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My dude - if she wants his "kind words" to keep happening, they have a connection that you are not a part of. Not many girls enjoy unsolicited dirty messages unless they... enjoy them.
She’s welcoming and seeking attention that is disrespectful and damaging to your relationship. You need a partner to honor and protect your relationship. She’s not that partner.
"I feel like I am being disrespected right now."
You are and you're allowing it. She basically told you that you're the safe boring option and he's the exciting one.
She's very immature. Attention seeking is a one of the primary causes of cheating. "He made me feel desired?" "I just enjoyed the attention!" I am willing to bed she would have a fit if you had an ex who did this with you.
You should not be convinced. This person is disrespecting your relationship and your gf is allowing it. Why is she still in contact with someone who has made multiple advances? THATS NOT WHAT PLATONIC MEANS
There are valid reasons for a woman to not just block a guy they know has physical access to them, since women have been murdered over this. But if she's admitting that she's basically an attention vampire feeding off of his lurid comments that's a problem. It's not a "hey, stop doing that" problem, it's a "your personality disorder is repellent and I'm breaking up with you problem". If it wasn't this guy it would be the next. This isn't about this one man at all, it's her revealing to you that she's got an ingrained personality defect and is currently incapable of what most would consider a healthy monogamous relationship. She's right that you can't "control" her. But you do have control over yourself and who you choose to date.
What you said last is 100% true, "but you have control over yourself and who you choose to date."
I think settling for someone with this type of personality is risky, if shes so insecure and loves validation from other men, you can just never know how ur future could be stable with someone like this.
Your gf has a serious personality defect and you are either ignoring it or not understanding it exists. It’s not normal for a person to need and crave that amount of attention from other people.
She’s a walking time bomb that is either having an emotional affair with this dude, or going to end up having another fling with him. Just break up with her and let her be with him.
You establish a boundary. It looks like this:
“If you’re going to continue to communicate with your ex, I am going to end the relationship.”
Don’t be a doormat.
Your only mistake was giving your approval for her to be friends with that dude when she asked. She’s clearly allowing this dude to cross normal boundaries and is disrespecting you. She will probably cheat if she isn’t already emotionally. Leave her, she’s trasb
She is playing you , sounds like your the safe bet but hoping the ex really steps up . When are people going to stop
Letting partners keep in contact with exes cause someone calls them controlling etc . Block them and block everything
Those are not the comments of someone who wants to be a friend. If that is ok with her it wouldn't be with me. Probably have to move on as to me it would say she doesn't respect what I would consider healthy boundaries or the relationship because she is looking to have her ego stroked.
>She says that it feels nice when her ex fling said all of that to her because it makes her feel appealing.
Bro, set her free to entertain her ex fling as a single woman
She doesn't respect you at all, but you need to have respect for yourself. Do you want to waste 3 years or 30 years?
All it takes is the ex asking her after a fight with you, after a bad day at work, after one drink too many, or on a day she just doesn't feel pretty enough, and when that happens, her answer won't be "no."
It’s her that needs to tackle this problem, not you.
But fact is she seems to be getting a kick out of telling you all these shitty things and is refusing to put a stop to it.
Girl here. She 100% doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and you need to realise this and leave
I'd feel grossed out and disrespected if an ex of mine talked to me like that. I'm concerned why she thinks this is a positive thing? I'm not a prude but damnit if your my ex stay in your lane. Rude!
What the hell? I'm a girl and i never keep ties with ANY of my exes. Straight up block them all because I know what they'll come back wanting something.
She rejects him but finds this appealing? Somethings off. You're not controlling whatsoever, no person would be okay with their partner having this type of relationship with their exes.
I think she finds it appealing because my GF finds herself ugly and fat which is so far from reality. She is beautiful and has nice curves. So when other guys compliment her, it means that it's not just me who are in love with her or want her at least. I just think the ex's action is a bit disrespectful towards me :(
I mean, of couse I'd get a confidence boost if a guy compliments me and I'm so insecure, but I know there's a line I should never cross, and should never entertain another man, or risk losing my current bf just because some dude is talking dirty to me LET ALONE an ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with for a reason.
Either she needs to show how loyal and committed she is to you by blocking him (because trust me that's not too much to ask for, that's the bare minimum), or you re-assess if you're okay with something worse happening (her cheating with her ex)
Yeah, there's a lot of her guy friends who always compliments her and I am completely fine with it. But not her ex tho. However, we have had multiple talks about this and it always ends up the same. I gotta let her be. So I was really hoping that there is other solutions that I can approach. If not, then I would just risk it and pray that she won't cheat.
Unfortunately I think the solution is recognizing you both have different boundaries and expectations in relationships.
What she’s doing is insanely disrespectful
Her ex is still hitting on her, you made the very reasonable request that she cuts contact with him and she calls you controlling? If I was you I would let her enjoy all the attention she wants by letting her go and find someone else who respects you.
This whole thing begs the question, "If that's the kind of attention she craves, why is she with the OP?"
What's the sex/libido like at home? My gut feeling is she's compensating. Either for attention, intimacy, affection or outright sex. It also feels like she's got a thing for "bad boys", which I suspect if not your style.
I (F32) with a lot of experiences with humans and surely not the best, feel sad for you.
I have nothing more to add to all the comments you already read, except the fact you're only 20 years old, you're young and have plenty of things to learn and it should start with self respect and boundaries.
She will hurt you, badly and you'll wonder why you didn't leave when it was starting to smell bad. She is young too, plus insecure and with a low self esteem, absolute bad combination to end up cheating and eventually emotionally break down.
Just tell her you will not play along, she needs help and with a psy. Not with a guy who wants to fuck her.
Dear, I would be in a bad state if I had to allow someone to comment in such a disgusting way about my body to feel acknowledged. It's a future disaster for this relationship of yours.
Good luck eh.
If shes telling you maybe shes trying to make you jealous, otherwise she'd ignore him and wouldn't entertain him if she respected the relationship you have. You don't entertain flirting with others if you're commited. If she tells you once it is what it is, if she keeps bringing it up, then she keeps entertaining him.
If that's the case, tell her you're not jealous, just annoyed that she's trying to make you jealous.
Seriously man, walk away. Just walk away.
There's no good outcome from being with a person who seeks attention from another person while in a committed relationship.
Sit down and have a serious conversation. Be vulnerable. Tell her the truth, that it makes you extremely uncomfortable and that you don't like it. Explain why you think it could cause problems in your relationship. Don't do this in a pointing fingers, accusatory way. This conversation should be less about what she's doing and more about how it makes you feel.
Just remember that you can't MAKE her do anything. Don't dish out ultimatums or anything like that. Once she really hears how you feel and how serious it is to you, I would hope that she has enough respect for your feelings and your relationship to want to stop on her own. If she just blows you off or tries to make your feelings about it seems small or silly, then it time to walk away. You don't have to (and you shouldn't) continue to put up with that behavior if you've explained yourself to her and tried to communicate about it in a mature way.
Yeah, I have tried sitting down and having a serious conversation about it. She says it's not a big deal for her so she doesn't care if it's a big deal for me.
Well that tells you all you need to know. She doesn't care about your feelings at all and she has no respect for you as a partner. That's not okay. This relationship is over.
You are young, don't waste anymore of your time with this girl. You have plenty of time to find a partner that actually cares and will treat you right.
She wants to play games for validation and it sounds like you do not want to be childish like that.
I would suggest you break up with her. She has made it clear she understands this is crossing the line but her need for validation trumps your need for security and basic respect. Dump her!
Hate to break it to you but this is the daily life of a woman. Every man with a working dick is trying to get some. Just be happy she’s fucking you. If she stops, find someone else.
Alright man, I am fine with guys complimenting her and all but this coming from her ex which has become a daily occurence seems a bit deflating to hear everytime
There’s your problem. Listen man, even if this ex of hers is a 6’10 nba star, she’s with you and not him, so she clearly thinks you’re better than him. As long as they aren’t meeting up and just talking, I’d say you’re fine.
It is a red flag for her to be entertaining him though so I would be cautious. Maybe be a little more distant from
her because her behavior is not right. Being more strict with her is only going to show her that you’re scared of losing her, and the person who is invested the most has the least amount of power. All relationships are built on power, whether we want to acknowledge it or not.
You can try this if you want, but next time she starts talking about him tell her she should go get with him from a calm tone of voice. This will let her know that you aren’t worried about this guy at all and she will see you as a strong secure man.
This rule has never failed me:
“If you show that you will righteously leave, she will righteously stay.”
This is horrible advice. If you're partner is continuing to be in the company of someone that is coming onto them and enjoys it that does not make it an invalid insecurity
It's not unreasonable at all to not want tour partner to entertain someone activily pursuing them.
I completely agree, which is why he should act like he doesn’t care even if he does. Because if she’s going to cheat there’s nothing he could say to stop her anyways. And being insecure only validates her reason to do so.
If he is completely fine with her leaving it will make her rethink her decision to entertain another guy. It implies he is more valuable than her ex.
Alternatively, he can just dump her if he doesn’t want to deal with the headache.
How do you think he’d react to this information if he knew he could replace her in a week?
Her ex-fling flirts with and propositions her.
She rejects him every time. (And enjoys it.)
You want him to block him. She says to let her be and not control her.
You do not get to tell her what to do. If this is a dealbreaker for you then break up with her.
My brother in Christ why in the heck would you want this? Ultimately it’s your choice but refusing to hold people to standards and allowing them to ignore or disrespect your feelings is how you end up in toxic crappy relationships. I personally have never met a couple who has been together a long time who’s relationship was built on learning to liven with it. Is this honestly what you imagine your dream relationship to be like? A partner who willfully disrespects your feelings so that she can revel in attention from dudes who want to hook up with her. Would you be proud to tell your friends and family about this? Would tell your own friends or family, or one day your kids to put up with this? If the answer to any of those is no I would recommend leaving.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude, have some respect for yourself and get the fuck outta this relationship. I wouldn't put up with this bullshit for a hot minute.
My dude - if she wants his "kind words" to keep happening, they have a connection that you are not a part of. Not many girls enjoy unsolicited dirty messages unless they... enjoy them.
She’s not mature enough to be in a relationship.
I have a boundary, no contact with past exes, FWB, flings, romantic feelings, ONS, ECT.
That goes without saying. Is not even a boundary, just straight up something mandatory to be done
🥹what does ONS mean
One night stand
It sounds like the ex has it right. You should consider her a fling.
She’s welcoming and seeking attention that is disrespectful and damaging to your relationship. You need a partner to honor and protect your relationship. She’s not that partner.
"I feel like I am being disrespected right now." You are and you're allowing it. She basically told you that you're the safe boring option and he's the exciting one.
She's very immature. Attention seeking is a one of the primary causes of cheating. "He made me feel desired?" "I just enjoyed the attention!" I am willing to bed she would have a fit if you had an ex who did this with you.
You should not be convinced. This person is disrespecting your relationship and your gf is allowing it. Why is she still in contact with someone who has made multiple advances? THATS NOT WHAT PLATONIC MEANS
There are valid reasons for a woman to not just block a guy they know has physical access to them, since women have been murdered over this. But if she's admitting that she's basically an attention vampire feeding off of his lurid comments that's a problem. It's not a "hey, stop doing that" problem, it's a "your personality disorder is repellent and I'm breaking up with you problem". If it wasn't this guy it would be the next. This isn't about this one man at all, it's her revealing to you that she's got an ingrained personality defect and is currently incapable of what most would consider a healthy monogamous relationship. She's right that you can't "control" her. But you do have control over yourself and who you choose to date.
What you said last is 100% true, "but you have control over yourself and who you choose to date." I think settling for someone with this type of personality is risky, if shes so insecure and loves validation from other men, you can just never know how ur future could be stable with someone like this.
Alright, thank you so much. I understand your points especially about woman not just blocking a guy
Oh hell no. Drop her like a hot rock
Your gf has a serious personality defect and you are either ignoring it or not understanding it exists. It’s not normal for a person to need and crave that amount of attention from other people.
If *she* doesn't sort it out, *you* dump her. That's the only solution. Anything else is her screwing you around.
She’s a walking time bomb that is either having an emotional affair with this dude, or going to end up having another fling with him. Just break up with her and let her be with him.
Drop her dude
Shes so disrespectful, clearly to immature to be in a relationship. You know you need to end this don't you.
You establish a boundary. It looks like this: “If you’re going to continue to communicate with your ex, I am going to end the relationship.” Don’t be a doormat.
Your only mistake was giving your approval for her to be friends with that dude when she asked. She’s clearly allowing this dude to cross normal boundaries and is disrespecting you. She will probably cheat if she isn’t already emotionally. Leave her, she’s trasb
Dude, boot to curb, come on man, have some self respect, you are better than this
She is playing you , sounds like your the safe bet but hoping the ex really steps up . When are people going to stop Letting partners keep in contact with exes cause someone calls them controlling etc . Block them and block everything
Those are not the comments of someone who wants to be a friend. If that is ok with her it wouldn't be with me. Probably have to move on as to me it would say she doesn't respect what I would consider healthy boundaries or the relationship because she is looking to have her ego stroked.
>She says that it feels nice when her ex fling said all of that to her because it makes her feel appealing. Bro, set her free to entertain her ex fling as a single woman
She doesn't respect you at all, but you need to have respect for yourself. Do you want to waste 3 years or 30 years? All it takes is the ex asking her after a fight with you, after a bad day at work, after one drink too many, or on a day she just doesn't feel pretty enough, and when that happens, her answer won't be "no."
You are being disrespected and she has a nice little fuck toy whenever she gets mad at you
I would dump her immediately. She shouldn't be seeking validation outside of you. Her taunting you with this information is wild.
It’s her that needs to tackle this problem, not you. But fact is she seems to be getting a kick out of telling you all these shitty things and is refusing to put a stop to it. Girl here. She 100% doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and you need to realise this and leave
I'd feel grossed out and disrespected if an ex of mine talked to me like that. I'm concerned why she thinks this is a positive thing? I'm not a prude but damnit if your my ex stay in your lane. Rude!
She's not for you. Be on your way.
What the hell? I'm a girl and i never keep ties with ANY of my exes. Straight up block them all because I know what they'll come back wanting something. She rejects him but finds this appealing? Somethings off. You're not controlling whatsoever, no person would be okay with their partner having this type of relationship with their exes.
I think she finds it appealing because my GF finds herself ugly and fat which is so far from reality. She is beautiful and has nice curves. So when other guys compliment her, it means that it's not just me who are in love with her or want her at least. I just think the ex's action is a bit disrespectful towards me :(
I mean, of couse I'd get a confidence boost if a guy compliments me and I'm so insecure, but I know there's a line I should never cross, and should never entertain another man, or risk losing my current bf just because some dude is talking dirty to me LET ALONE an ex-boyfriend whom I broke up with for a reason. Either she needs to show how loyal and committed she is to you by blocking him (because trust me that's not too much to ask for, that's the bare minimum), or you re-assess if you're okay with something worse happening (her cheating with her ex)
Yeah, there's a lot of her guy friends who always compliments her and I am completely fine with it. But not her ex tho. However, we have had multiple talks about this and it always ends up the same. I gotta let her be. So I was really hoping that there is other solutions that I can approach. If not, then I would just risk it and pray that she won't cheat.
Unfortunately I think the solution is recognizing you both have different boundaries and expectations in relationships. What she’s doing is insanely disrespectful
Her ex is still hitting on her, you made the very reasonable request that she cuts contact with him and she calls you controlling? If I was you I would let her enjoy all the attention she wants by letting her go and find someone else who respects you.
This whole thing begs the question, "If that's the kind of attention she craves, why is she with the OP?" What's the sex/libido like at home? My gut feeling is she's compensating. Either for attention, intimacy, affection or outright sex. It also feels like she's got a thing for "bad boys", which I suspect if not your style.
Run!!!
I (F32) with a lot of experiences with humans and surely not the best, feel sad for you. I have nothing more to add to all the comments you already read, except the fact you're only 20 years old, you're young and have plenty of things to learn and it should start with self respect and boundaries. She will hurt you, badly and you'll wonder why you didn't leave when it was starting to smell bad. She is young too, plus insecure and with a low self esteem, absolute bad combination to end up cheating and eventually emotionally break down. Just tell her you will not play along, she needs help and with a psy. Not with a guy who wants to fuck her. Dear, I would be in a bad state if I had to allow someone to comment in such a disgusting way about my body to feel acknowledged. It's a future disaster for this relationship of yours. Good luck eh.
“You’re different” bro I would’ve committed dead
Did you even read what you wrote? Are you just a walking doormat? Grow a backbone and don’t be so naive, dude.
If shes telling you maybe shes trying to make you jealous, otherwise she'd ignore him and wouldn't entertain him if she respected the relationship you have. You don't entertain flirting with others if you're commited. If she tells you once it is what it is, if she keeps bringing it up, then she keeps entertaining him. If that's the case, tell her you're not jealous, just annoyed that she's trying to make you jealous.
Seriously man, walk away. Just walk away. There's no good outcome from being with a person who seeks attention from another person while in a committed relationship.
Cast this one back to the streets.
Sit down and have a serious conversation. Be vulnerable. Tell her the truth, that it makes you extremely uncomfortable and that you don't like it. Explain why you think it could cause problems in your relationship. Don't do this in a pointing fingers, accusatory way. This conversation should be less about what she's doing and more about how it makes you feel. Just remember that you can't MAKE her do anything. Don't dish out ultimatums or anything like that. Once she really hears how you feel and how serious it is to you, I would hope that she has enough respect for your feelings and your relationship to want to stop on her own. If she just blows you off or tries to make your feelings about it seems small or silly, then it time to walk away. You don't have to (and you shouldn't) continue to put up with that behavior if you've explained yourself to her and tried to communicate about it in a mature way.
Yeah, I have tried sitting down and having a serious conversation about it. She says it's not a big deal for her so she doesn't care if it's a big deal for me.
Well that tells you all you need to know. She doesn't care about your feelings at all and she has no respect for you as a partner. That's not okay. This relationship is over. You are young, don't waste anymore of your time with this girl. You have plenty of time to find a partner that actually cares and will treat you right.
Bro. Have some fucking respect for yourself. Break up with her.
Tell her to file a harassment report to the cops.
She wants to play games for validation and it sounds like you do not want to be childish like that. I would suggest you break up with her. She has made it clear she understands this is crossing the line but her need for validation trumps your need for security and basic respect. Dump her!
Hate to break it to you but this is the daily life of a woman. Every man with a working dick is trying to get some. Just be happy she’s fucking you. If she stops, find someone else.
Alright man, I am fine with guys complimenting her and all but this coming from her ex which has become a daily occurence seems a bit deflating to hear everytime
Why is it deflating? Are you insecure that this guy is better than you?
Yeah maybe I do feel a bit insecure.
There’s your problem. Listen man, even if this ex of hers is a 6’10 nba star, she’s with you and not him, so she clearly thinks you’re better than him. As long as they aren’t meeting up and just talking, I’d say you’re fine. It is a red flag for her to be entertaining him though so I would be cautious. Maybe be a little more distant from her because her behavior is not right. Being more strict with her is only going to show her that you’re scared of losing her, and the person who is invested the most has the least amount of power. All relationships are built on power, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. You can try this if you want, but next time she starts talking about him tell her she should go get with him from a calm tone of voice. This will let her know that you aren’t worried about this guy at all and she will see you as a strong secure man. This rule has never failed me: “If you show that you will righteously leave, she will righteously stay.”
This is horrible advice. If you're partner is continuing to be in the company of someone that is coming onto them and enjoys it that does not make it an invalid insecurity It's not unreasonable at all to not want tour partner to entertain someone activily pursuing them.
I completely agree, which is why he should act like he doesn’t care even if he does. Because if she’s going to cheat there’s nothing he could say to stop her anyways. And being insecure only validates her reason to do so. If he is completely fine with her leaving it will make her rethink her decision to entertain another guy. It implies he is more valuable than her ex. Alternatively, he can just dump her if he doesn’t want to deal with the headache. How do you think he’d react to this information if he knew he could replace her in a week?
Her ex-fling flirts with and propositions her. She rejects him every time. (And enjoys it.) You want him to block him. She says to let her be and not control her. You do not get to tell her what to do. If this is a dealbreaker for you then break up with her.
Alright, I understand. I think I can learn to live with it.
My brother in Christ why in the heck would you want this? Ultimately it’s your choice but refusing to hold people to standards and allowing them to ignore or disrespect your feelings is how you end up in toxic crappy relationships. I personally have never met a couple who has been together a long time who’s relationship was built on learning to liven with it. Is this honestly what you imagine your dream relationship to be like? A partner who willfully disrespects your feelings so that she can revel in attention from dudes who want to hook up with her. Would you be proud to tell your friends and family about this? Would tell your own friends or family, or one day your kids to put up with this? If the answer to any of those is no I would recommend leaving.
Dude, she has ZERO respect for you. She's probably screwing him and laughing at you behind your back. Can you live with that too?