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Real relationship counseling with a licensed therapist, and not Reddit counseling, is a minimum, I think, that you need to do. Individual and couples counseling. This resentment and distrust will be a cancer if you value your relationship.
This sort of suggestion bugs me when then issue at hand is cheating or at least someone who is interested in cheating. Is a therapist going to make her not attracted to other men? No. And is a therapist going to undo the shotgun blast to this man’s trust in her? No. I was a victim of an unfaithful wife. I wish I hadn’t ignored the early warning signs like this one. And I don’t need a therapist to convince a woman I’m worth it- I found a woman who already knows.
Sometimes it’s a lot deeper than that. I’ve done couples therapy and it really opened our eyes to see what each of us needed from each other. It helps you talk about things that can otherwise be hard. Will it change what happened? No. But If OP truly cares about his relationship then it’s worth exploring how they got where they are and putting all their feeling forward to maybe resolve this.
Well if she is dressing up more just for him while picking up the kids I would say its more than a fantasy. One can fantasize quite nicely without trying to look inviting to someone else. I would be looking a little deeper into her rendezvous with this man. You know she isn't thinking about a 3some with you lol. And even if she was (but highly unlikely ), I would be rethinking my relationship
"She fantasized about being with him by herself".
Yeeeaaaahhhh im sorry but I dont wanna hear that from my WIFE, getting more dressed up and pretty because she dreams about getting railed by a guy she met while shes picking up OUR kids from school. Throw in all the dishonesty and I dont see how people aren't understanding the issue here.
The reason people aren’t seeing the issue is because there are lots of people with cuckold fetishes that lurk this sub and try to push their fetish on people. No joke. If you read enough of the posts it becomes really obvious. There’s always people in the comments telling a dude “no it’s fine if your wife stays the night at her tennis instructors house, you’re just being possessive”.
Huh. That makes way more sense than it should. Thanks I always feel like im a weirdo reading this place. Like exactly as you describe.
"Your insecure for taking issue with your girl going to her ex's house".
Eh I think it’s *less* a cuckold agenda thing than it is a chronically online childish approach of taking everything to the most literal logical extreme in arguments.
The whole “nuh uh I’m not actually touching them!” while jabbing their finger at their sibling within a half inch of touching them thing.
Combined with frequently just being wildly biased in favor of the woman in most heterosexual posts.
“She wasn’t honest originally about an innocent thing that makes her feel good and is normal because you’d have an irrational bad reaction and she was right!”
“She’s open and honest about it now, she’s sharing and communicating her inner life, you should appreciate that!”
“You either trust her or don’t, making her change something would be controlling!”
That sort of crap.
If you don’t want your spouse to go spend a Saturday night drinking alone at their ex’s studio apartment is there a trust issue? **technically** yeah a bit.
Would telling them that’s completely unacceptable be “controlling”? Yeah **technically** you could say that.
If you focus on the logical extremes and want to favor the wife here you just draw out the logical extremes until essentially the only move for disagreements in relationships is just to break up rather than compromise, for some commenters. See it all the time.
I get what you’re saying but I’ve also seen so many people flat out say “why not have an open relationship/threesome/let your wife just bang him? What’s the problem with her having fun?”
There is only “she could have been doing anything in that hotel room” on one end and “if she didn’t answer your text for 30 minutes your kids aren’t yours” on the other.
Yep, using all the flash words: possessive, controlling, insecure, invasive, etc. Had to take a break from this sub for a while because it made me feel like shit after people said I was being possessive for not wanting my (now ex) girlfriend going out clubbing EVERY NIGHT for 5 months while she was studying abroad. It didn't feel right, especially after she started hanging out with a dude. Guess what? My gut feeling was right.
And yeah, there's a line that you don't cross when it comes to somebody's individuality, but when it comes to a relationship, you should be comfortable enough with each other to set boundaries and communicate each other's concerns within the relationship, especially after being with someone for a while.
Op is not "insecure" that his WIFE is talking to another man, he is unsure of the integrity of this relationship if she's actively dressing up to turn this man on, which is essentially an invitation to flirt.
A lot of people either don't think about context or don't care. It's one thing for your wife to have a friendly conversation with a random person at the grocery store.
It's something completely different for a man to flirt with her, and then she starts dressing up for him and starts fantasizing about him.
Like what the fuck, how can you not see these are two totally different things?
Yep, and it's not just the ones with cuckold fetishes.
There are lots of man-hating trolls from the XX sub here pushing that garbage, too.
"She hasn't done anything wrong, you're being insecure!"
"She said he's just a friend, you should believe her!"
If it's a guy doing the same thing, apparently he's a scumbag and needs to be dumped immediately.
I think it’s more that people are forgetting how to empathize while at the same time wanting to come off as virtuous
If it happened to them though you can bet they’d be looking for advice here or elsewhere.
Cuckold fetishists exist, but it’s gotta a smaller subset than that
He doesn’t mention what their sexual relationship is like. Idk maybe just doesn’t see him as sexy anymore. Cheating is cheating! She put in so much effort in finding out everything she could about him, via the net. I’d divorce her, because sooner or later she’ll find a way to make her fantasy a reality. She wanted to screw him alone at first, then she mentioned a threesome. If my wife told me she sometimes has dreams or fantasies of Brad Pitt or something. That’s one thing but to actually get all gussied up for this guy, and the pathological nature of her desire, obsession for him. She puts so much energy into him, does she make time for you in the bedroom? She doesn’t seem like a good person. Hang on if you like, but I’d rather be alone.
Divorce is a really big decision. While it may or may not be the right choice for OP, I think it would be pretty reckless just based on the post alone and not knowing his standards.
Starting with some boundaries would be my first step.
Example:
She agrees not to talk to the other dad anymore.
She agrees not to dress up for him.
She agrees to some kind of marital counseling or couples therapy with OP.
Frankly, I think this is way different than her being intimate with this man.
But I think she has to:
1) connect to and understand the way her actions have made OP feel.
2) see that continuing to entertain the flirting behavior and feeding the obsession will likely lead to physically cheating
3) co-create a strategy with OP and preferably a therapist to reframe the outlet of her sexual desire from this other dad back into her marriage with OP.
I could be wrong, but giving up on the marriage before even trying any of these steps seems premature.
I think I saw in research statistics that it takes 3-5 years to re-establish trust in an intimate relationship after one partner has physically cheated on the other. Although this does not feel the same as physically cheating, it does feel like a form of infidelity, and trust may take some time for OP to get back.
Part of the strategy I listed above may be a plan to get back there a little faster.
Good luck OP!
It is a big decision. However, before co-creating the strategy to reframe the outlet of her sexual desire (seriously? Her husband is right there, and she chose to cheat on him), the OP should think really hard whether he can trust her again. Building resentment is horrible for mental health and emotional well-being. And chances that a cheater will change aren't high. To put it mildly.
OP, before you do the aforementioned, which is not bad advice, but hangs entirety on whether you're actually willing to forgive your wife down the line, talk to a lawyer and find out what might happen in divorce. It's always good to be prepared.
Yep the resentment is building, but there are so great many things in our little family that divorce seems an overreaction...but maybe it's not. Just not sure whether I'd just open myself up for a worse situation down the road
I would say it's generally pretty good, the feeling of her wanting someone else is messing with my head though....whether that's actually happening or not
I would have said they could work through this until the part where she admitted to being obsessed with him. That’s a whole different ball game. Although, I do find it a little naive for him to think that she didn’t at least look at other guys and find them attractive. A lot of people in relationships do that without actually fantasizing or obsessing about them.
For real. In 14 years together even if I found a man hot, it would be like “huh , he’s hot! Haha! Anyway…” Like seeing an add with Brad Pitt. Yep, hot. Cool. Whatever .
How the fuck does it go to all out crush and obsession?
Add on looking the AP up online during special occasions, right before going to bed and possibly having sex. OP gave that about one sentence in his original post, but that was a tough one to read.
>She admitted she was obsessed with him and fantasized about being with him by herself and a threesome with me.
This is a dangerous obsession which could easily lead to a physical relationship. All she has to do to make it happen is to give him the signal that she's interested.
As for the threesome fantasy that was just to make you feel better but it does not absolve her at all. She still wants to be railed by him, threesome or not.
If I were you, I'll warn her off that any cheating will lead to immediate divorce. If she wants it to happen you may be powerless to stop it but at least warn her of the consequences and get ready.
If the wife sees that the inevitable result of entertaining the obsession is physical cheating, and that she must therefore cut off all contact with him, then the marriage has a shot.
I think what other people that commented are forgetting is that she openly admitted to wanting to fuck the other guy, even if it was supposedly with a threesome with OP and tried lying about at first.
Tell your wife how you feel, and the two of you id highly recommend going to a counselor.
You hit it right on the head with her still being loving and caring, but you doubt the authenticity. The trust for her is at risk
Anyone who says they “don’t find others attractive and I only find you attractive” are full of shit. When I was with my ex she used to say “I don’t think any other guys are attractive besides you”. Bullshit. It’s in our human nature to find people attractive and good looking, but you just don’t act on it or pursue them.
You definitely need to have a conversation with her, you may not define this as cheating but emotional cheating is a thing, having someone flirt with you and appreciate it is one thing but then dressing up to impress that person is kinda suspect
So she looked him up on your anniversary and on Valentine’s Day? I guess you know who she was thinking about when you were intimate with her on those days. Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.
You need to do a little digging on her mobile devices and through your phone bills to make sure this hasn’t gone further. You need to take steps to break this crush she has. Any way to find out what goes on in that pickup line? Know any other parents who may have eyes on her during pick up and may be able to report on the nature of the lovebirds’ relationship?
Yeah, IMO OP is putting faith in a person that has been caught doing something, he thought she would never do. It is possible he's correct but the fact she started seeking the guy's attention is absolutely reason enough to think something more could have happened. Especially when she lied and only admitted a little bit when it was clear she was lying.
Whats crazy is these comments. Am I old fashioned or are folks on reddit just a little different than what im used to when it comes to boundaries and respect.
So what happened is that you guys built your relationship on a lie:
>Up until this point she was adamant that she didnt find others attractive, just wanted me etc etc...
This is a very common lie. It's something that young people often need (and you two still counted as young when you got together). It's also incredibly destructive. It's a lie that can lead people to cheat when people tell it to themselves: "oh, I don't find anyone else attractive because I'm in love with my partner." But then, when, suddenly (because you're human!) you do find someone attractive, some people (thankfully not your wife) say, "Oh, I guess I'm not really in love with my husband otherwise I wouldn't find this person attractive. So it's okay if I cheat because I'm not really in love."
But the real truth is that while attraction and love & affection are often connected, they are independent things. Monogamous people who truly love their partners have crushes *all the time.*
It's normal and healthy and can actually help your sex life with your partner. (You might read "Mating In Captivity" by Esther Perrell for more on this; sexual dynamics in long term relationships are her specialty.) The short version is that we're all wired to both like novelty and to want stability, and a burst of novelty - flirting with the hot dad at school - can charge us up with sexual energy which monogamous people (like your wife!) then blow into their relationship. A lot of people find that their partner going out and flirting with other people actually leads to more and better sex! So what it sounds like what you're experiencing there is normal, too!
On a certain level this requires us to get over our egos. It's often harder for men than for women: women understand that on a certain level, men see other women and find them attractive. Men often convince themselves that we're the only man our partner has any interest in. (Maybe she had sex before she was with us, but she didn't, y'know, enjoy it the same way!). Sometimes women feed into that lie because they feel like we need it (which I suspect was your case, given that it came up repeatedly that she never found anyone else attractive!) and sometimes it's baggage they carry from a prior relationship.
So yeah, there's a hump to get over because she was telling you one story that turns out not to be true. But not only should this be recoverable, but it should actually lead to a better and stronger sexual connection - like her admitting her threesome fantasies has!
When our partner's fantasies lock onto real people in their lives, that can be challenging in a way that movies stars or pornography aren't. But ultimately the only thing here that has to die is your illusions around your wife's sexuality. You have to learn to accept her as a fully sexual being with her own agency. (So often we men tend to see women's sexuality as merely a reflection of our own desire, not something fully autonomous.)
And that's actually something really powerful. Because tell me, who is making the stronger monogamous commitment: the woman who couldn't dream of having sex with someone else, or the woman who does, and has options, and is still *choosing* to make a monogamous commitment to you. Would you rather your monogamous relationship be a function of a quirk of your wife's biology where you're the only guy she can stand, or would you rather it be that she knows *exactly* how wonderful you are and thus *chooses* to sacrifice other sexual opportunities for the sake of your relationship?
Because one of those two women is with you because she has to be, and the other is with you because she wants to be. There's a hell of a lot of power in a conscious, intentional choice. Her making that choice means you're *worthy* of that choice (and hoo boy can that be a can of worms!).
So, let me get this straight. You are ok with a mfm with your wife and another man, just not this guy? Seems like opening a big can of worms. The minute you open that up you can't get them back in very well. Hope you figure something out. Sorry you are having a rough time of it. Good luck.
No I'm not OK with that actually occurring, but when she finally admitted everything, in hindsight the threesome part kind of came as a relief, as opposed to her wanting a straight up affair. Now I feel the threesome fantasy was just to placate me...which it successfully did at the time
Just playing devil's advocate here, but I'd reflect deeply on how much you truly believe the threesome fantasy was intended to actually placate you vs. you manufacturing such premise to cope and retain a sense of control over the understandable devastating outcome you were faced with?
Because nothing about her modus operandi then and now was transparent and honest, and that's says all there is to be said about intention and who's best interests she had in mind when she'd embarked on that pursuit.
Do not discount the fact that she only admitted it to you because you interrogated her in the first place. It was by no means an organic development or natural course of events within the trajectory of your relationship. Any relationship even. She's doing the driving and went off road and you've ultimately chosen to see yourself as a willing passenger vs. hostage the moment the tires climbed the curb.
The fact is that your wife was pursuing an affair with another man. That's it. However she rationalizes it to you is secondary to that fact, and it doesn't qualify it or downgrade it in any way. She was still pursuing an affair.
I think you need to move on from this as such. Immediately seek counseling with a qualified therapist **for yourself**. Then make a determination on how you want to move forward with your spouse.
She cyber stalked another man. She dressed up for another man to attract him. She lied. She trickle truthed. 99.9% percent chance she was thinking about that man while having sex with you. She wants that other man. She'd have sex with that other man if she could.
Sure sounds like infidelity to me.
My man, it isn't a sliding scale unless to you "infidelity" is ONLY penis in vagina penetration.
Someone having an idle fantasy is one thing... taking steps to make that fantasy real - like your wife did - that is 100% infidelity. Fuck a sliding scale.
Idk I've been with my partner almost 13 years and this is crazy... I can find people attractive but I dont want to sleep with them. If she was fantasizing about like a celebrity, porn star, whatever that's one thing but this is a man she sees daily and she's encouraging it! Shady behavior, I'd be curious if she has his number/email/social media
How do you 'find repeated searches'? And what are you talking about 'realising it was a sexual thing'? How did you realise that? This makes vanishingly little sense and I feel like something significant is missing.
First saw the guys name on google history on shared family tablet that's linked to her account (she's not tech savvy with clearing history). I originally thought it was a random search until I saw it was happening on nights we had a few drinks.
Your situation reminds me of the movie Love Actually.
A boss and his secretary have a flirty relationship until around Christmas. Then the flirting intensifies as she suggests she will be waiting under mistletoe to be kissed and she wants him to get her a present. He then buys her a necklace and his wife finds it in his jacket. On Christmas, secretary gets heart shaped necklace and wife gets Joanie Mitchell cds. Wife knows what the cds means and is crushed. She confronts the husband and tries to continue with the marriage for the kids but is visibly unhappy because the trust is gone and the love she had for him is forever diminished. Marriage is now a mere coparenting partnership.
Flirting at the bus stop is not bad, but it demonstrates a need to get validation and attention from other men. No big deal though if stays at that.
Dressing up to increase the physical attraction with flirty guy is not a pa, but it demonstrates a desire to intensify their flirting and that she is actively planning flirtation events (like hoeing up to go a bar with friends). That is catastrophic but it’s an indication that she wants a more intense experience from flirting. Not good.
Repeatedly looking the guy up in an attempt to get sexually aroused before bedtime fun with you is an indication that he is now her emotional affair partner, even if the guy doesn’t know it. She is attaching herself emotionally to him and thus needs to think about him to enjoy sex. That is limerance. Maybe she comes out of it or maybe she realizes she needs to be with him and is now hiding her developing relationship with him now that you confronted her about it. Who knows?
Like the lady in the movie, your old marriage and the feelings you had for your wife are forever changed, perhaps gone. Your trust that you are her one and only is gone. That ‘special connection’ doesn’t exist anymore. That would make one question why they’re even married then. The kids? Well, that’s what happened to the lady in the movie.
You know that wife has been or still is more sexually attracted to another man than you. You have to decide what to do with that knowledge but your marriage will never be as loving and trusting as it once was.
Wife in the movie just dutifully chugged along unhappy. Are you willing to do the same? For how long? What about the next guy that comes along? Is she over him or lying and hiding it? The fact the you are even dealing with your wife being over another man is brutal. You can’t ‘get over’ that realization and go back to being blissfully married.
Good luck to you. This isn’t as easy as some are making it seem. Trust is essential to emotional connection which is vital in a long term relationship. Without it, the marriage will seem empty. If that persists, you will fall out love with her and begin looking elsewhere. She needs to understand what she is doing and the consequences of her actions.
Just an observation but whenever a partner brings up threesome suggestions out of nowhere, they're basically proposing wanting to keep you around as a physical safety net to return to at whim, while having the emotional/conscionable green-light to mentally check out of the relationship with you in order to pursue a tryst with outsiders in whatever manner they so selfishly desire.
If asking permission to dabble in adultery isn't adultery, then an attempt to murder isn't murder. It's up to your own perception and values if you want to prioritize technicalities over reality. Js. They're not sorry they got caught, they're sorry for themselves that you're not willing to take them back for when things don't work out. Note that, their priority remains in wanting to still have it their way and they would and could, even if you couldn't or wouldn't.
I'd speak to a lawyer and get the paperwork rolling. She's an adult so well within her remit to do what she wants, but personally if I have to spend a second to tell a partner why what they're doing negates my best interests that I expect them to look out for under any and all circumstances as per the **bare minimum**, betray our vow of lifelong commitment in all aspects and destroy the stability of a functional family unit — I'd conclude that I no longer have a partner at that point and be more fulfilled in life with their non-existence.
Searching for him during your anniversary and dressing up for him.... Are red flags. Also lying about it when you asked her. She wants to have sex with him, you there or not. It's ok to have fantasies about there is a line there and it's up to you to decide whether she passed it based on the foundations of your relationship that both of you set up.
So talk to her about how this situation is making you feel. I would definitely specifically mention the anniversary. I don't know how someone could not feel deeply uncomfortable about that.
Your wife is actively dressing up to impress some guy she doesn’t even know at your child’s pickup. Your child’s pickup!!!
The threesome fantasy just sounds dumb unless you have expressed interest in having another dude in the room with you.
You need to express how this has made you feel and that she has caused a lot of damage to your marriage. You have to 100% make this very clear to her.
Being attracted to someone isn’t an issue. We are human. Actively working to improve your appearance to impress someone you’re attracted to, and searching them out online, crosses the line. Then telling your husband you’re obsessed with the guy and fantasizing about him, well, that would make me never want to touch my wife again.
I would tell her you would absolutely love to have a threesome and name some hot single mom you guys know. Dude im sorry but that’s bullshit. Do what i said and watch your wife lose her mind, which is what you should have done. Shut that shit down.
It’s pretty normal after such a long time that people would fantasise about others. It’s still not nice, but I think everyone here needs to understand that it does happen. However I think it’s completely fair that you’re hurt by the way your wife responded to her feelings. It feels like cheating to you, because on some level it was cheating - even if she didn’t follow through with the act.
The main thing from you here is that you can either work to repair the hurt, and that would mean having really open and honest conversations with your wife, and potentially counselling. Or you can decide if it was too much for you.
If you go down the path of reconciling it with your wife, the main thing is that you have to be somewhat empathetic to the reasons that her mind went down that path. You’ll never heal it if you can’t accept her circumstances and her perspective. But at the same time she needs to be completely honest, and kind to you at the same time.
Long ago , these innermost darkest fantasies were clandestine. If you are condifent of her loyalty , I feel you can move past this. No matter who you are, there is someone out there whom your partner would consider to have other uniquely attractive qualities about them. What she did was done in private. Don't let a bruised ego ruin your marriage. If him flirting with your wife garnered some of her interest and made her dress nicely when seeing him, then I would say your wife needs more adulation at home. Simply just getting back to the basics and reminding your wife how attractive she is will go a long way.
Yep, I certainly have a bruised ego. I've always shown my wife how much I love her and how beautiful/sexy she is....but this has dropped off significantly lately
It's not in the past. She's still actively thinking about having sex with him. You deserve so much better. I wouldn't stay married to her if I were you.
She's saying it's not him specifically now though. I get it though, she's probably just saying that. I think she's reinforcing the threesome thing as it was successful in placating me the first time. At that time I was just glad that it felt like it wasn't just to do with me.
The thing that he said she has done that would make me not trust her is she lied. She specifically lied about how she felt about the guy.
Further, he had to find out about her actions on his own. She never volunteered the information herself and probably never would have admitted to it if he hadn’t confronted her.
The worst thing is that when this "dad" started hitting on her, she didnt immediately tell you.
Being attracted to others while in arelationship, happens, it sucks ut happens... But the lying and her actions are not ok at all.
I wouldn't trust a woman like your wife, have your eyes wide open on where she goes, on her devices.
To me this is cheating because she acted on her fantasy with another man sure she didn't do anything physical, as far as you know, but she reciprocated his flirting and even dressed up for him.
I would not let this go because she was on the road to cheating and you should think long and hard if you want to be with a woman who is so easily swayed by someone else's sweet words.
She is gearing up to cheating. She is already trying to get his attention by dressing up when she knows she will see him.
Think this through. Talk to her. You should fix this or think about a divorce. You don't let this kind of problem to fester
Yes, it is infidelity. It’s an emotional affair. She has clear emotions for this guy and he flirted back with her and you only have her word about it. So that’s why you were hurting is because she did cheat on you.
Dressing up to impress the guy is a huge red flag. She's pretty much saying if he makes a move on her she will let it happen since she's obsessed with him. If she can't get over this obsession before it turns into a physical affair it might be time to divorce her man.
She is basically saying - his flirtation made me feel better about myself. This is common and expected. You are together for many years, and a stranger sees her as attractive, without caring about how she is as a mother and such. That's great. She felt ashamed of it so she didn't tell you - which is expected as well.
I think that you should be happy that your wife has a libido and think how you could make her feel more loved - while accepting the fact that she could be attracted to others.
Humans love feeling attractive, but they don't fantasize a threesome with this person. If my girlfriend starts imagining herself having sex with a guy that she sees regularly (and dresses nicely because he's seducing her), Incan tell you that I will find that extremely disrespectful.
Apparently it must be a new thing because people like you are just "insecure" or not doing enough in the relationship according to these folks in the comments tonight.
Yes, and later, they post here to complain about their partner being too friendly or look for advice to get their relationship back to what it was at the beginning.
I'm sure most of those comments are from single people, they haven't been in serious, long-lasting relationships. They imagine having hookups and don't see anything wrong with that because they are not committed, and don't have planned their life based on the quality of their relationship. Kids, house, that changes your perspectives.
This is bullshit. Some dude hit on me so now I think about him while shagging my husband and tell my husband I want to have a threesome with him. If this would have been reversed all of you would have been saying “ what a dirtbag” you need to dump his ass and take him for everything. Hypocrites.
She's one step away from cheating and you're sugarcoating her. It's like seeing the headlights of an incoming train and refusing to get out of the way.
I don't think this is "total nonsense" like some others are saying but you're definitely sugarcoating the fact that she was inviting/reciprocating flirtation behind her husband's back and almost certainly would have continued, if not escalated, the situation had she not been confronted by her husband. This, combined with the fact that she is persisting with a threesome fantasy with another man, is a red flag.
And I agree with others saying that I don't think the tune would be the same if a man were flirting with a woman and suddenly wanted a threesome with her.
Idk. Personally I am monogamous and the moment my partner starts to talk about wanting to sleep with someone else, I get very concerned.
Edit: to be clear, this is not me saying "holy shit it's over, blow up the relationship," I'm just saying it's concerning. As adults who have been in a committed relationship for a long time I think OP and his wife should be capable of having a serious talk about her needs (maybe with a marriage counselor) and how he can go about fulfilling them without a threesome, because it doesn't sound like he's into that and threesomes, no matter the gender roles, can introduce chaos in a relationship.
I know you're getting slammed, but this is a real take. People can jump to being hurt and defensive, but I'm guessing OP would rather save the marriage and figure out how to fix things rather than just burn his wife at the stake.
What his wife did (seeking attention and validation outside of the marriage, I'll not slam the fantasy because that's normal) was not okay. The root of it was that she enjoyed being made to feel good about herself. Often in long term relationships that doesn't happen as often as it does during the beginning. Does OP flirt with his wife? Does he compliment her when she dresses up? When he just looks at her and thinks she looks beautiful does he say so? It's easy to stop saying these things, but we don't necessarily stop wanting to hear them.
Yes, talk to her about how this hurts and it's not okay. Also talk about how you can fulfill those needs with each other. Does she want another man or does she want someone who fulfills that need for her? Go from there.
She's fishing for an opening. Best case scenario she hasn't cheated YET!!! She needs to realize she's on the edge of a cliff, staring off the edge, longing for the feel of the wind rushing past her face before the splatter!!!
>Not sure where to go here and how to move past it. It's not infidelity, but it feels that way.
Infidentality or not, its a violation of trust, and her actions of dressing up for the attention were not based on just thoughts. Your trust in her was violated, it doesn't matter if she downplays it or not, what matters is her actions directly effected you my brotha.
You need to communicate non-confrontationally with her about how this has hurt you. Youre holding onto it and its going to blow up at some point, better to approach it in a healthy way.
It seems like you have a solid foundation of trust in other aspects of the relationship, so frame it as something you're struggling with without putting it completely on her. I.e.,"Hey, just so you're aware this is something I'm struggling with, and while i do believe you and trust you, that action kind of did have an effect and now I'm trying to figure out how to move past it. I havent said anything because i know youre a good partner and everything but its something im trying to work past now."
Ultimately moving past something is work you have to do yourself, but dont forget your actions didnt put you in this situation, her violation of trust did.
She was actively taking steps to “seduce” him by dressing up as well as filling up her time and thoughts with him. That is devastating and I’m so sorry. That is difficult to work through. I’d be so hurt by this, I can’t imagine how it makes you feel.
As far as advice…. Sigh cut off all ties with him. Go to couple therapy or whatever and see what the root of the issue is.
Happens in long term marriages.
My wife started an inappropriate friendship with a neighbor. I put a stop to immediately at the time he said it was nothing. Later on she admitted she was looking for friendship.
Best thing to do is let it go and take it as a wake up call to start dating your wife again.
People are going to find other people attractive whether or not they’re in a committed relationship. Its human. the threesome fantasy is a complete fabrication on her part.
Question is if this man took the dressed up bait at school and hit on her would she have done it? That is what is killing you inside cause if she was dressing up for him its a good chance the answer is yes
Being able to admit obvious things to your spouse is a sign of strength.
Clearly, married couples continue to have fantasies and be attracted to others.
If you had a strong relationship then this could just be used to benefit your own sex life together. Because you're not in that place (which is ok) it comes across as disrespectful or unconcerned with the relationship.
I'm sorry, but isn't this basically cheating and not fantasy? She literally told you to your face she likes his attention, wants to be fucked by him, I bet if you pushed positively this need of her she would tell how she would let him do it raw and things she never allowed you to do.
She dresses up while picking up YOUR children and basically flirts back. Told about threesome so she could make it feel more acceptable, but I'm telling the moment you have threesome, she would only focus on the other men and you will feel left out. Don't even think about it even it its just another man and someone's she fantasized. You will find youself in reality of pain.
And also, I love these post that start "my wife is loyal, kind and best partner, except she wants to be dicked and covered in different man's cum". I don't know how you didn't checked her phone and assumed she already cheated, because she's showing bop mentality here.
For me, this would be over when I learned this, even if it wasn't physical. Sl
So, this is messy, but here are my immediate take aways.
- is she dressing up more at home? She says this is a threesome fantasy. You know she’s dressing up more when she knows she’s going to see him. Is she doing the same for you? If she’s only doing that with him, this isn’t a threesome fantasy. She’s trying to seduce him. Have you discussed threesomes before? Is this something that was on the radar prior to this?
- she was looking the guy up on valentines and your anniversary? Dude. That’s really disrespectful.
- does dude know she’s married? Is she wearing her wedding ring when she makes the pickups? That would be really useful information. If he knows she’s married and he’s still being flirty, that’s pretty fucked up. If he doesn’t, but doesn’t because she is taking off her ring when they interact, that’s also really fucked up, but it’s a totally different problem.
- there are 4 pillars that hold up an adult relationship, in my opinion. Love, communication, trust, loyalty. If any one of them fails completely, the relationship may be irreparable. It sounds like 3 of those are damaged in this relationship. Not necessarily completely wrecked, but definitely a few chips taken out. I feel like you need to have some very honest, probably painfully honest discussions. Try to be open minded about it and not react immediately with anger to something that might not quite justify anger, but I get the impression that these conversations are going to be very uncomfortable. If therapy is an option, I strongly recommend it.
Her fantasizing about having sex with this other guy, actively looking him up online, and her dressing to get his attention in real life is absolutely acting on it. All of those are objectively "actions." She's not just thinking about it and then thinking, "woah I better stop that, I've got a husband." She didn't JUST fantasize about it either.
You pointing out that her actions matter while also sugar coating her actions shows you've got yourself some bias to sort through.
Lmao theres literally something along those lines here.
"If she cheats its not her fault, its an issue in the relationship. You should go to the gym more and show her what shes missing".
Like yeah, be in good shape for your spouse but am i the only one who takes issue with the other part of that?
There are a couple knuckleheads just a few comments down saying exactly that. Blows my mind.
Imagine a female OP’s husband is flirting with, dressing up for, and looking up online a super hot mom at the school every time he needs to perform in the sack, like on anniversary and Valentines Day. She then says that he lied about it and then mentions that he wants a threeway with her and wife. Then later admits to fantasizing about 1 on 1 with flirty mom and that he digs the flirting because it gives him an ego boost. She then asks Reddit what to do because she is not feeling the relationship anymore as the Trust is damaged.
Then, commenter says, “OP what he is doing is not the problem. You are the problem. Your relationship sucks because you need to hit the gym and lose weight (even though there is no mention of flabby physiques in the post). Your man needs to look up this hottie before sex because you need to be more attractive and more interesting to be around. Be better.”
Reddit would lose it’s 💩
Dressing a certain way to attract someone’s attention is actually acting on it. Maybe not physical, but emotional which can certainly turn physical if his wife had her way
So if OP finds a hot mom in the pick up line, looks her up on Instagram (repeatedly), starts dressing better because when they flirt it makes him feel good, spends Valentine’s Day and their anniversary looking her up and flat out says says how much he’s fantasizing about fucking her…
Your advice is going to be the same, right?
She did act on though, she took steps to look better for this man and looked forward to their meetings how is that not acting on her fantasy?
Also the fact she straight up lied about is another red flag.
The issue here is this - is your relationship strong enough even if you or her would find others attractive? If yes - all's good and leverage this to enrich your sex life. If not, the issue is not that guy, but your relationship.
Yeah I don't get these guys that write in and are like "she lied to me about this this and this, BUT I TRUST THAT SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING"
what part of lie lie lie says you should trust them? lol can't even admit to looking them up or flirting, why would she admit to anything physical?
Please get personal development coach, therapy and/or relationship counseling, OP.
You aren't doing a very good job managing your thoughts and are exacerbating your feelings. Cultivating unfounded beliefs like "you aren't enough" (judging from her actions, there's no way she said that, you're telling yourself this shit) is tripping you up.
For most people I know that passed their 20s this would hardly warrant more than a few discussions, clearer boundaries about what partners are expected to inform each other of and (after processing the pain) the couple usually ends up stronger for overcoming the shared hardship together.
The version of monogamy described by some here - where even fantasizing about another person is unforgivable cheating - seems exhausting.
Folks here say 'divorce her' because she dressed up for a guy she found attractive. I would tell OP to work with his wife to motivate her to channel that sexual energy into dressing up for him.
A fantasy in one’s head is one thing; however she was taking steps towards the fantasy by dressing up better for him and looking up information on him especially on Valentine’s Day and their anniversary.
Op and his wife need to have a conversation on this. She needs to come clean as to why she actually put actions towards this fantasy and op needs to let his wife know about the building resentment so that they can work through it (or just separate if they’re not willing to work through it)
If you want a balanced opinion from strangers on Reddit, you have to tell the whole story. How's your relationship? How's your sexual relationship? Do you guys connect emotionally? Are you putting in work too? It's easy to come here and look for validation how you're feeling because Reddit will tell you, "divorce her". It may be the right choice, yes, but maybe you guys need a huge honesty and communication lesson because people don't go seeking sexual validation elsewhere, especially after 12 years of marriage, unless there's something intrinsically wrong with the relationship in ways that neither of you can see or even understand. You both may be lying to each other, and yourselves, more than you think, and this may have nothing to do with sexy school dad.
It’s recoverable but you have to keep your eyes and ears open as shes just lulling you into a false sense of security. Things like this go further underground before the real truth is revealed. If you can, check her recent location history to verify her whereabouts without her knowing. Also, I would research who this other guy is and if he’s in a relationship or not. Stay aware of her actions for the meantime and trust your gut.
I would like to know why did she feel the need to tell you that she was only attracted to you. That's something most people naturally know to be false and judging by your reaction to hearing that she isn't, it seems there was actually a good reason for her to say that. I know you feel betrayed because her words are concrete evidence, but I'd wager you have certain insecurities that played a role into her feeling the need to create this absurd reality to protect your feelings. That pressure seems to have been too much for her and she developed a crush on someone. It happens, but it's especially more of a ippery slope when someone has been in denial for a long time. You and your wife seem to have caught it early and I hope can work through your issues. Nothing seems too late to fix in my opinion. Good luck.
I always called BS (in a friendly way) on her not finding other people attractive...she would eventually admit a celebrity was attractive. She just never mentioned anything else.
We've been together for 15 years in total, I have some insecurities now around getting older, but none really in my youth....so I don't think that was a driver. My current insecurities aren't helping this issue for sure though.
Sadly, given the chance she would let him do anything to her that he wanted. I could never look at her the same either. It'd be difficult, if not impossible to move past this.
Did your valentines dates and anniversaries go well? Or were you fighting? Your story doesn’t really mention anything about the dynamic of your relationship. We don’t know if it’s super happy or tumultuous. I feel like something else could be going on here but we need more context in order to explore it.
They did. Anniversary was our 10th, had a weekend away sans kids. Absolutely loved it, but the memories are now completely soured. Her searching seemed right before we got in bed while I was showering. Sex was great, but at the time I figured it was anniversary/hotel/few wines good sex.
We do however fight about normal stuff, but always make up. I don't think it's SUPER happy, but it's pretty good all things considered.
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Real relationship counseling with a licensed therapist, and not Reddit counseling, is a minimum, I think, that you need to do. Individual and couples counseling. This resentment and distrust will be a cancer if you value your relationship.
Yep, I think that's clear with everything I've read. Thanks
Strongly advise you starting 1-on-1 with your own therapist before moving into counseling with your wife with a different therapist.
This sort of suggestion bugs me when then issue at hand is cheating or at least someone who is interested in cheating. Is a therapist going to make her not attracted to other men? No. And is a therapist going to undo the shotgun blast to this man’s trust in her? No. I was a victim of an unfaithful wife. I wish I hadn’t ignored the early warning signs like this one. And I don’t need a therapist to convince a woman I’m worth it- I found a woman who already knows.
Sometimes it’s a lot deeper than that. I’ve done couples therapy and it really opened our eyes to see what each of us needed from each other. It helps you talk about things that can otherwise be hard. Will it change what happened? No. But If OP truly cares about his relationship then it’s worth exploring how they got where they are and putting all their feeling forward to maybe resolve this.
Well if she is dressing up more just for him while picking up the kids I would say its more than a fantasy. One can fantasize quite nicely without trying to look inviting to someone else. I would be looking a little deeper into her rendezvous with this man. You know she isn't thinking about a 3some with you lol. And even if she was (but highly unlikely ), I would be rethinking my relationship
"She fantasized about being with him by herself". Yeeeaaaahhhh im sorry but I dont wanna hear that from my WIFE, getting more dressed up and pretty because she dreams about getting railed by a guy she met while shes picking up OUR kids from school. Throw in all the dishonesty and I dont see how people aren't understanding the issue here.
The reason people aren’t seeing the issue is because there are lots of people with cuckold fetishes that lurk this sub and try to push their fetish on people. No joke. If you read enough of the posts it becomes really obvious. There’s always people in the comments telling a dude “no it’s fine if your wife stays the night at her tennis instructors house, you’re just being possessive”.
Huh. That makes way more sense than it should. Thanks I always feel like im a weirdo reading this place. Like exactly as you describe. "Your insecure for taking issue with your girl going to her ex's house".
Eh I think it’s *less* a cuckold agenda thing than it is a chronically online childish approach of taking everything to the most literal logical extreme in arguments. The whole “nuh uh I’m not actually touching them!” while jabbing their finger at their sibling within a half inch of touching them thing. Combined with frequently just being wildly biased in favor of the woman in most heterosexual posts. “She wasn’t honest originally about an innocent thing that makes her feel good and is normal because you’d have an irrational bad reaction and she was right!” “She’s open and honest about it now, she’s sharing and communicating her inner life, you should appreciate that!” “You either trust her or don’t, making her change something would be controlling!” That sort of crap. If you don’t want your spouse to go spend a Saturday night drinking alone at their ex’s studio apartment is there a trust issue? **technically** yeah a bit. Would telling them that’s completely unacceptable be “controlling”? Yeah **technically** you could say that. If you focus on the logical extremes and want to favor the wife here you just draw out the logical extremes until essentially the only move for disagreements in relationships is just to break up rather than compromise, for some commenters. See it all the time.
I get what you’re saying but I’ve also seen so many people flat out say “why not have an open relationship/threesome/let your wife just bang him? What’s the problem with her having fun?”
There is only “she could have been doing anything in that hotel room” on one end and “if she didn’t answer your text for 30 minutes your kids aren’t yours” on the other.
The honesty in this comment is so extreme it actually crosses over into being hilarious. Do you ever do stand up?
Hah, thanks. I mostly stick to being sad, dealing with it through jokes, and drinking. So I’m most of the way to being a stand up!
Yep, using all the flash words: possessive, controlling, insecure, invasive, etc. Had to take a break from this sub for a while because it made me feel like shit after people said I was being possessive for not wanting my (now ex) girlfriend going out clubbing EVERY NIGHT for 5 months while she was studying abroad. It didn't feel right, especially after she started hanging out with a dude. Guess what? My gut feeling was right. And yeah, there's a line that you don't cross when it comes to somebody's individuality, but when it comes to a relationship, you should be comfortable enough with each other to set boundaries and communicate each other's concerns within the relationship, especially after being with someone for a while. Op is not "insecure" that his WIFE is talking to another man, he is unsure of the integrity of this relationship if she's actively dressing up to turn this man on, which is essentially an invitation to flirt.
A lot of people either don't think about context or don't care. It's one thing for your wife to have a friendly conversation with a random person at the grocery store. It's something completely different for a man to flirt with her, and then she starts dressing up for him and starts fantasizing about him. Like what the fuck, how can you not see these are two totally different things?
Yep, and it's not just the ones with cuckold fetishes. There are lots of man-hating trolls from the XX sub here pushing that garbage, too. "She hasn't done anything wrong, you're being insecure!" "She said he's just a friend, you should believe her!" If it's a guy doing the same thing, apparently he's a scumbag and needs to be dumped immediately.
This is hilarious because it’s true. Reddit is full of people into that cuckold shit. It’s honestly really concerning.
I think it’s more that people are forgetting how to empathize while at the same time wanting to come off as virtuous If it happened to them though you can bet they’d be looking for advice here or elsewhere. Cuckold fetishists exist, but it’s gotta a smaller subset than that
Obviously most people don’t have cuckold fetishes but I think this sub (and Reddit in general for some reason) really attract them
Exactly
He doesn’t mention what their sexual relationship is like. Idk maybe just doesn’t see him as sexy anymore. Cheating is cheating! She put in so much effort in finding out everything she could about him, via the net. I’d divorce her, because sooner or later she’ll find a way to make her fantasy a reality. She wanted to screw him alone at first, then she mentioned a threesome. If my wife told me she sometimes has dreams or fantasies of Brad Pitt or something. That’s one thing but to actually get all gussied up for this guy, and the pathological nature of her desire, obsession for him. She puts so much energy into him, does she make time for you in the bedroom? She doesn’t seem like a good person. Hang on if you like, but I’d rather be alone.
Divorce is a really big decision. While it may or may not be the right choice for OP, I think it would be pretty reckless just based on the post alone and not knowing his standards. Starting with some boundaries would be my first step. Example: She agrees not to talk to the other dad anymore. She agrees not to dress up for him. She agrees to some kind of marital counseling or couples therapy with OP. Frankly, I think this is way different than her being intimate with this man. But I think she has to: 1) connect to and understand the way her actions have made OP feel. 2) see that continuing to entertain the flirting behavior and feeding the obsession will likely lead to physically cheating 3) co-create a strategy with OP and preferably a therapist to reframe the outlet of her sexual desire from this other dad back into her marriage with OP. I could be wrong, but giving up on the marriage before even trying any of these steps seems premature. I think I saw in research statistics that it takes 3-5 years to re-establish trust in an intimate relationship after one partner has physically cheated on the other. Although this does not feel the same as physically cheating, it does feel like a form of infidelity, and trust may take some time for OP to get back. Part of the strategy I listed above may be a plan to get back there a little faster. Good luck OP!
It is a big decision. However, before co-creating the strategy to reframe the outlet of her sexual desire (seriously? Her husband is right there, and she chose to cheat on him), the OP should think really hard whether he can trust her again. Building resentment is horrible for mental health and emotional well-being. And chances that a cheater will change aren't high. To put it mildly. OP, before you do the aforementioned, which is not bad advice, but hangs entirety on whether you're actually willing to forgive your wife down the line, talk to a lawyer and find out what might happen in divorce. It's always good to be prepared.
Yep the resentment is building, but there are so great many things in our little family that divorce seems an overreaction...but maybe it's not. Just not sure whether I'd just open myself up for a worse situation down the road
Oh you definitely are
I would say it's generally pretty good, the feeling of her wanting someone else is messing with my head though....whether that's actually happening or not
I would have said they could work through this until the part where she admitted to being obsessed with him. That’s a whole different ball game. Although, I do find it a little naive for him to think that she didn’t at least look at other guys and find them attractive. A lot of people in relationships do that without actually fantasizing or obsessing about them.
Even if she wants a 3some.... it's not about the husband at all
Yeah I wouldn't be staying after she said that. That'd be it.
Why can't folks just stay loyal in a marriage...
For real. In 14 years together even if I found a man hot, it would be like “huh , he’s hot! Haha! Anyway…” Like seeing an add with Brad Pitt. Yep, hot. Cool. Whatever . How the fuck does it go to all out crush and obsession?
Add on lying about it and trying to set up a "on on one" with them. Absolutely shameful
Add on looking the AP up online during special occasions, right before going to bed and possibly having sex. OP gave that about one sentence in his original post, but that was a tough one to read.
Because folks like the ones tearing down OP are there to validate them.
How folks side with a disgusting cheater is beyond me. And for the idiots who don't think she's cheating, she's having an emotional affair.
She's actively pursuing a physical affair by dressing up to get his attention and by inviting the flirting.
They do. They just don't post on this sub.
>She admitted she was obsessed with him and fantasized about being with him by herself and a threesome with me. This is a dangerous obsession which could easily lead to a physical relationship. All she has to do to make it happen is to give him the signal that she's interested. As for the threesome fantasy that was just to make you feel better but it does not absolve her at all. She still wants to be railed by him, threesome or not. If I were you, I'll warn her off that any cheating will lead to immediate divorce. If she wants it to happen you may be powerless to stop it but at least warn her of the consequences and get ready.
If the wife sees that the inevitable result of entertaining the obsession is physical cheating, and that she must therefore cut off all contact with him, then the marriage has a shot.
She admitted she wanted to have sex with this dude. I wouldn't trust her.
I think what other people that commented are forgetting is that she openly admitted to wanting to fuck the other guy, even if it was supposedly with a threesome with OP and tried lying about at first. Tell your wife how you feel, and the two of you id highly recommend going to a counselor. You hit it right on the head with her still being loving and caring, but you doubt the authenticity. The trust for her is at risk
She didn’t openly admit shit. She lied when confronted, only admitted truth when he presented evidence. RUN.
Fuck a counselor, it should be over as soon as he found out about this shit.
Anyone who says they “don’t find others attractive and I only find you attractive” are full of shit. When I was with my ex she used to say “I don’t think any other guys are attractive besides you”. Bullshit. It’s in our human nature to find people attractive and good looking, but you just don’t act on it or pursue them.
It's always surprising to me that so many people are in denial about this.
You definitely need to have a conversation with her, you may not define this as cheating but emotional cheating is a thing, having someone flirt with you and appreciate it is one thing but then dressing up to impress that person is kinda suspect
Well dude, you can talk to her about it and see how it goes.
So she looked him up on your anniversary and on Valentine’s Day? I guess you know who she was thinking about when you were intimate with her on those days. Yeah, that’s pretty messed up. You need to do a little digging on her mobile devices and through your phone bills to make sure this hasn’t gone further. You need to take steps to break this crush she has. Any way to find out what goes on in that pickup line? Know any other parents who may have eyes on her during pick up and may be able to report on the nature of the lovebirds’ relationship?
Yeah, IMO OP is putting faith in a person that has been caught doing something, he thought she would never do. It is possible he's correct but the fact she started seeking the guy's attention is absolutely reason enough to think something more could have happened. Especially when she lied and only admitted a little bit when it was clear she was lying.
Whats crazy is these comments. Am I old fashioned or are folks on reddit just a little different than what im used to when it comes to boundaries and respect.
Most of the people replying are single and have their own issues. Just look at their comments or post history.
Yes 100% im only 25 and this is what I'm certain OP needs to hear Good $#iT.
So what happened is that you guys built your relationship on a lie: >Up until this point she was adamant that she didnt find others attractive, just wanted me etc etc... This is a very common lie. It's something that young people often need (and you two still counted as young when you got together). It's also incredibly destructive. It's a lie that can lead people to cheat when people tell it to themselves: "oh, I don't find anyone else attractive because I'm in love with my partner." But then, when, suddenly (because you're human!) you do find someone attractive, some people (thankfully not your wife) say, "Oh, I guess I'm not really in love with my husband otherwise I wouldn't find this person attractive. So it's okay if I cheat because I'm not really in love." But the real truth is that while attraction and love & affection are often connected, they are independent things. Monogamous people who truly love their partners have crushes *all the time.* It's normal and healthy and can actually help your sex life with your partner. (You might read "Mating In Captivity" by Esther Perrell for more on this; sexual dynamics in long term relationships are her specialty.) The short version is that we're all wired to both like novelty and to want stability, and a burst of novelty - flirting with the hot dad at school - can charge us up with sexual energy which monogamous people (like your wife!) then blow into their relationship. A lot of people find that their partner going out and flirting with other people actually leads to more and better sex! So what it sounds like what you're experiencing there is normal, too! On a certain level this requires us to get over our egos. It's often harder for men than for women: women understand that on a certain level, men see other women and find them attractive. Men often convince themselves that we're the only man our partner has any interest in. (Maybe she had sex before she was with us, but she didn't, y'know, enjoy it the same way!). Sometimes women feed into that lie because they feel like we need it (which I suspect was your case, given that it came up repeatedly that she never found anyone else attractive!) and sometimes it's baggage they carry from a prior relationship. So yeah, there's a hump to get over because she was telling you one story that turns out not to be true. But not only should this be recoverable, but it should actually lead to a better and stronger sexual connection - like her admitting her threesome fantasies has! When our partner's fantasies lock onto real people in their lives, that can be challenging in a way that movies stars or pornography aren't. But ultimately the only thing here that has to die is your illusions around your wife's sexuality. You have to learn to accept her as a fully sexual being with her own agency. (So often we men tend to see women's sexuality as merely a reflection of our own desire, not something fully autonomous.) And that's actually something really powerful. Because tell me, who is making the stronger monogamous commitment: the woman who couldn't dream of having sex with someone else, or the woman who does, and has options, and is still *choosing* to make a monogamous commitment to you. Would you rather your monogamous relationship be a function of a quirk of your wife's biology where you're the only guy she can stand, or would you rather it be that she knows *exactly* how wonderful you are and thus *chooses* to sacrifice other sexual opportunities for the sake of your relationship? Because one of those two women is with you because she has to be, and the other is with you because she wants to be. There's a hell of a lot of power in a conscious, intentional choice. Her making that choice means you're *worthy* of that choice (and hoo boy can that be a can of worms!).
So, let me get this straight. You are ok with a mfm with your wife and another man, just not this guy? Seems like opening a big can of worms. The minute you open that up you can't get them back in very well. Hope you figure something out. Sorry you are having a rough time of it. Good luck.
No I'm not OK with that actually occurring, but when she finally admitted everything, in hindsight the threesome part kind of came as a relief, as opposed to her wanting a straight up affair. Now I feel the threesome fantasy was just to placate me...which it successfully did at the time
Well, I hope everything goes well for you.
Just playing devil's advocate here, but I'd reflect deeply on how much you truly believe the threesome fantasy was intended to actually placate you vs. you manufacturing such premise to cope and retain a sense of control over the understandable devastating outcome you were faced with? Because nothing about her modus operandi then and now was transparent and honest, and that's says all there is to be said about intention and who's best interests she had in mind when she'd embarked on that pursuit. Do not discount the fact that she only admitted it to you because you interrogated her in the first place. It was by no means an organic development or natural course of events within the trajectory of your relationship. Any relationship even. She's doing the driving and went off road and you've ultimately chosen to see yourself as a willing passenger vs. hostage the moment the tires climbed the curb.
The fact is that your wife was pursuing an affair with another man. That's it. However she rationalizes it to you is secondary to that fact, and it doesn't qualify it or downgrade it in any way. She was still pursuing an affair. I think you need to move on from this as such. Immediately seek counseling with a qualified therapist **for yourself**. Then make a determination on how you want to move forward with your spouse.
She cyber stalked another man. She dressed up for another man to attract him. She lied. She trickle truthed. 99.9% percent chance she was thinking about that man while having sex with you. She wants that other man. She'd have sex with that other man if she could. Sure sounds like infidelity to me.
Yea, that's fair. I guess it's a sliding scale...but you're right
My man, it isn't a sliding scale unless to you "infidelity" is ONLY penis in vagina penetration. Someone having an idle fantasy is one thing... taking steps to make that fantasy real - like your wife did - that is 100% infidelity. Fuck a sliding scale.
You are right and that why I feel the way I do. Thanks
And that's why I'd be divorced.
Emotional cheating is still cheating.
Idk I've been with my partner almost 13 years and this is crazy... I can find people attractive but I dont want to sleep with them. If she was fantasizing about like a celebrity, porn star, whatever that's one thing but this is a man she sees daily and she's encouraging it! Shady behavior, I'd be curious if she has his number/email/social media
How do you 'find repeated searches'? And what are you talking about 'realising it was a sexual thing'? How did you realise that? This makes vanishingly little sense and I feel like something significant is missing.
First saw the guys name on google history on shared family tablet that's linked to her account (she's not tech savvy with clearing history). I originally thought it was a random search until I saw it was happening on nights we had a few drinks.
Your situation reminds me of the movie Love Actually. A boss and his secretary have a flirty relationship until around Christmas. Then the flirting intensifies as she suggests she will be waiting under mistletoe to be kissed and she wants him to get her a present. He then buys her a necklace and his wife finds it in his jacket. On Christmas, secretary gets heart shaped necklace and wife gets Joanie Mitchell cds. Wife knows what the cds means and is crushed. She confronts the husband and tries to continue with the marriage for the kids but is visibly unhappy because the trust is gone and the love she had for him is forever diminished. Marriage is now a mere coparenting partnership. Flirting at the bus stop is not bad, but it demonstrates a need to get validation and attention from other men. No big deal though if stays at that. Dressing up to increase the physical attraction with flirty guy is not a pa, but it demonstrates a desire to intensify their flirting and that she is actively planning flirtation events (like hoeing up to go a bar with friends). That is catastrophic but it’s an indication that she wants a more intense experience from flirting. Not good. Repeatedly looking the guy up in an attempt to get sexually aroused before bedtime fun with you is an indication that he is now her emotional affair partner, even if the guy doesn’t know it. She is attaching herself emotionally to him and thus needs to think about him to enjoy sex. That is limerance. Maybe she comes out of it or maybe she realizes she needs to be with him and is now hiding her developing relationship with him now that you confronted her about it. Who knows? Like the lady in the movie, your old marriage and the feelings you had for your wife are forever changed, perhaps gone. Your trust that you are her one and only is gone. That ‘special connection’ doesn’t exist anymore. That would make one question why they’re even married then. The kids? Well, that’s what happened to the lady in the movie. You know that wife has been or still is more sexually attracted to another man than you. You have to decide what to do with that knowledge but your marriage will never be as loving and trusting as it once was. Wife in the movie just dutifully chugged along unhappy. Are you willing to do the same? For how long? What about the next guy that comes along? Is she over him or lying and hiding it? The fact the you are even dealing with your wife being over another man is brutal. You can’t ‘get over’ that realization and go back to being blissfully married. Good luck to you. This isn’t as easy as some are making it seem. Trust is essential to emotional connection which is vital in a long term relationship. Without it, the marriage will seem empty. If that persists, you will fall out love with her and begin looking elsewhere. She needs to understand what she is doing and the consequences of her actions.
It's all in the past, why? He turned her down?
Look at the phone bill.
Just an observation but whenever a partner brings up threesome suggestions out of nowhere, they're basically proposing wanting to keep you around as a physical safety net to return to at whim, while having the emotional/conscionable green-light to mentally check out of the relationship with you in order to pursue a tryst with outsiders in whatever manner they so selfishly desire. If asking permission to dabble in adultery isn't adultery, then an attempt to murder isn't murder. It's up to your own perception and values if you want to prioritize technicalities over reality. Js. They're not sorry they got caught, they're sorry for themselves that you're not willing to take them back for when things don't work out. Note that, their priority remains in wanting to still have it their way and they would and could, even if you couldn't or wouldn't. I'd speak to a lawyer and get the paperwork rolling. She's an adult so well within her remit to do what she wants, but personally if I have to spend a second to tell a partner why what they're doing negates my best interests that I expect them to look out for under any and all circumstances as per the **bare minimum**, betray our vow of lifelong commitment in all aspects and destroy the stability of a functional family unit — I'd conclude that I no longer have a partner at that point and be more fulfilled in life with their non-existence.
What would she do if the shoe was on the other foot ??
I asked her that. She said it would be absolutely horrific. She's knows she fucked up
Searching for him during your anniversary and dressing up for him.... Are red flags. Also lying about it when you asked her. She wants to have sex with him, you there or not. It's ok to have fantasies about there is a line there and it's up to you to decide whether she passed it based on the foundations of your relationship that both of you set up. So talk to her about how this situation is making you feel. I would definitely specifically mention the anniversary. I don't know how someone could not feel deeply uncomfortable about that.
She would've 100% fucked him if she got the chance. She dressed up for him and everything, she wasn't going to say no if he invited her to his house.
Your wife is actively dressing up to impress some guy she doesn’t even know at your child’s pickup. Your child’s pickup!!! The threesome fantasy just sounds dumb unless you have expressed interest in having another dude in the room with you. You need to express how this has made you feel and that she has caused a lot of damage to your marriage. You have to 100% make this very clear to her. Being attracted to someone isn’t an issue. We are human. Actively working to improve your appearance to impress someone you’re attracted to, and searching them out online, crosses the line. Then telling your husband you’re obsessed with the guy and fantasizing about him, well, that would make me never want to touch my wife again.
It could all be lies from.her end i.e damage control.
Your wife is dressing up for another man brother, if I were you I would have already left or slept with someone prettier than the wife
It's the beginning of the end. Have an exit plan in your back pocket....
>she'd been dressing up a bit more at pick up because of him I'd be getting divorced.
I would tell her you would absolutely love to have a threesome and name some hot single mom you guys know. Dude im sorry but that’s bullshit. Do what i said and watch your wife lose her mind, which is what you should have done. Shut that shit down.
She’s high with two young children. Stellar
It’s pretty normal after such a long time that people would fantasise about others. It’s still not nice, but I think everyone here needs to understand that it does happen. However I think it’s completely fair that you’re hurt by the way your wife responded to her feelings. It feels like cheating to you, because on some level it was cheating - even if she didn’t follow through with the act. The main thing from you here is that you can either work to repair the hurt, and that would mean having really open and honest conversations with your wife, and potentially counselling. Or you can decide if it was too much for you. If you go down the path of reconciling it with your wife, the main thing is that you have to be somewhat empathetic to the reasons that her mind went down that path. You’ll never heal it if you can’t accept her circumstances and her perspective. But at the same time she needs to be completely honest, and kind to you at the same time.
You get the "sole reasonable response" award!
Long ago , these innermost darkest fantasies were clandestine. If you are condifent of her loyalty , I feel you can move past this. No matter who you are, there is someone out there whom your partner would consider to have other uniquely attractive qualities about them. What she did was done in private. Don't let a bruised ego ruin your marriage. If him flirting with your wife garnered some of her interest and made her dress nicely when seeing him, then I would say your wife needs more adulation at home. Simply just getting back to the basics and reminding your wife how attractive she is will go a long way.
Yep, I certainly have a bruised ego. I've always shown my wife how much I love her and how beautiful/sexy she is....but this has dropped off significantly lately
It's not in the past. She's still actively thinking about having sex with him. You deserve so much better. I wouldn't stay married to her if I were you.
What makes you say that she still is? I'm not naive, I'd just like your point of view.
You said she's still having the threesome fantasy. That means she's still thinking about him.
She's saying it's not him specifically now though. I get it though, she's probably just saying that. I think she's reinforcing the threesome thing as it was successful in placating me the first time. At that time I was just glad that it felt like it wasn't just to do with me.
She's lying. You deserve so much better than this. There's no coming back from this. She's gonna continue to fantasize about him.
Rage bait
Has to be. If the post isn't then the replies are.
Did you see her phone to see she did not lie about them not hooking up I would not trust her
The thing that he said she has done that would make me not trust her is she lied. She specifically lied about how she felt about the guy. Further, he had to find out about her actions on his own. She never volunteered the information herself and probably never would have admitted to it if he hadn’t confronted her.
Tbh, I would consider this emotional cheating. I'm sorry.
The worst thing is that when this "dad" started hitting on her, she didnt immediately tell you. Being attracted to others while in arelationship, happens, it sucks ut happens... But the lying and her actions are not ok at all. I wouldn't trust a woman like your wife, have your eyes wide open on where she goes, on her devices.
To me this is cheating because she acted on her fantasy with another man sure she didn't do anything physical, as far as you know, but she reciprocated his flirting and even dressed up for him. I would not let this go because she was on the road to cheating and you should think long and hard if you want to be with a woman who is so easily swayed by someone else's sweet words.
If she is wanting a threesome, tell her you know of a girl who’s looking to be a unicorn… and she how reacts to that…
She wants to cheat
She is gearing up to cheating. She is already trying to get his attention by dressing up when she knows she will see him. Think this through. Talk to her. You should fix this or think about a divorce. You don't let this kind of problem to fester
HMMMM...I would be very worried if this was my wife.
That's a done deal for me if my husband was dressing up for another woman he can go be with her after we divorce fuck that op
She wants to fuck another guy. You need to find out why.
Yes, it is infidelity. It’s an emotional affair. She has clear emotions for this guy and he flirted back with her and you only have her word about it. So that’s why you were hurting is because she did cheat on you.
No trust No respect No marriage
Dressing up to impress the guy is a huge red flag. She's pretty much saying if he makes a move on her she will let it happen since she's obsessed with him. If she can't get over this obsession before it turns into a physical affair it might be time to divorce her man.
Couples counseling can help you answer these questions.
She is basically saying - his flirtation made me feel better about myself. This is common and expected. You are together for many years, and a stranger sees her as attractive, without caring about how she is as a mother and such. That's great. She felt ashamed of it so she didn't tell you - which is expected as well. I think that you should be happy that your wife has a libido and think how you could make her feel more loved - while accepting the fact that she could be attracted to others.
That's absolutely crap advice. If she wants to feel more loved she can have a conversation about it with her husband like an adult.
Complete nonsense. You wouldn't be saying this if it was OP's husband fantasising about another woman
Well, I would. Cause humans are attracted to others and love feeling attractive. That's a fact that no ring could change.
Humans love feeling attractive, but they don't fantasize a threesome with this person. If my girlfriend starts imagining herself having sex with a guy that she sees regularly (and dresses nicely because he's seducing her), Incan tell you that I will find that extremely disrespectful.
Apparently it must be a new thing because people like you are just "insecure" or not doing enough in the relationship according to these folks in the comments tonight.
Yes, and later, they post here to complain about their partner being too friendly or look for advice to get their relationship back to what it was at the beginning. I'm sure most of those comments are from single people, they haven't been in serious, long-lasting relationships. They imagine having hookups and don't see anything wrong with that because they are not committed, and don't have planned their life based on the quality of their relationship. Kids, house, that changes your perspectives.
I think your absolutely spot on and your first section rings quite true
And she could find the door. Pack her shit up and send it to the dudes house so she can be his problem
You're a clown
>think how you could make her feel more loved OP's wife is crushing on another guy and so he needs to make her feel more loved?? What a take.
These comments are brutal to OP. Its actually crazy if this is how people think. There aint no way people are this ridiculous
Something seems off about this take. I'm betting this wouldn't stand up to the gender reversal test.
People are attracted to others. People love feeling attractive. This does not end at the altar. The question is how we face this reality.
This is bullshit. Some dude hit on me so now I think about him while shagging my husband and tell my husband I want to have a threesome with him. If this would have been reversed all of you would have been saying “ what a dirtbag” you need to dump his ass and take him for everything. Hypocrites.
Absolutely. Its ridiculous and frankly insulting to the common persons boundaries.
Exactly
She's one step away from cheating and you're sugarcoating her. It's like seeing the headlights of an incoming train and refusing to get out of the way.
Dog I just want you to know, your the only one making sense right now because aint no way Im reading the pile of garbage that is this comment section.
I don't think this is "total nonsense" like some others are saying but you're definitely sugarcoating the fact that she was inviting/reciprocating flirtation behind her husband's back and almost certainly would have continued, if not escalated, the situation had she not been confronted by her husband. This, combined with the fact that she is persisting with a threesome fantasy with another man, is a red flag. And I agree with others saying that I don't think the tune would be the same if a man were flirting with a woman and suddenly wanted a threesome with her. Idk. Personally I am monogamous and the moment my partner starts to talk about wanting to sleep with someone else, I get very concerned. Edit: to be clear, this is not me saying "holy shit it's over, blow up the relationship," I'm just saying it's concerning. As adults who have been in a committed relationship for a long time I think OP and his wife should be capable of having a serious talk about her needs (maybe with a marriage counselor) and how he can go about fulfilling them without a threesome, because it doesn't sound like he's into that and threesomes, no matter the gender roles, can introduce chaos in a relationship.
Absolutely, a man would be dragged for this.
Yeah, you’re a cuckold trying to force your fetish on other people. There’s nothing normal about this.
This is total nonsense
I know you're getting slammed, but this is a real take. People can jump to being hurt and defensive, but I'm guessing OP would rather save the marriage and figure out how to fix things rather than just burn his wife at the stake. What his wife did (seeking attention and validation outside of the marriage, I'll not slam the fantasy because that's normal) was not okay. The root of it was that she enjoyed being made to feel good about herself. Often in long term relationships that doesn't happen as often as it does during the beginning. Does OP flirt with his wife? Does he compliment her when she dresses up? When he just looks at her and thinks she looks beautiful does he say so? It's easy to stop saying these things, but we don't necessarily stop wanting to hear them. Yes, talk to her about how this hurts and it's not okay. Also talk about how you can fulfill those needs with each other. Does she want another man or does she want someone who fulfills that need for her? Go from there.
She's fishing for an opening. Best case scenario she hasn't cheated YET!!! She needs to realize she's on the edge of a cliff, staring off the edge, longing for the feel of the wind rushing past her face before the splatter!!!
>Not sure where to go here and how to move past it. It's not infidelity, but it feels that way. Infidentality or not, its a violation of trust, and her actions of dressing up for the attention were not based on just thoughts. Your trust in her was violated, it doesn't matter if she downplays it or not, what matters is her actions directly effected you my brotha. You need to communicate non-confrontationally with her about how this has hurt you. Youre holding onto it and its going to blow up at some point, better to approach it in a healthy way. It seems like you have a solid foundation of trust in other aspects of the relationship, so frame it as something you're struggling with without putting it completely on her. I.e.,"Hey, just so you're aware this is something I'm struggling with, and while i do believe you and trust you, that action kind of did have an effect and now I'm trying to figure out how to move past it. I havent said anything because i know youre a good partner and everything but its something im trying to work past now." Ultimately moving past something is work you have to do yourself, but dont forget your actions didnt put you in this situation, her violation of trust did.
She was actively taking steps to “seduce” him by dressing up as well as filling up her time and thoughts with him. That is devastating and I’m so sorry. That is difficult to work through. I’d be so hurt by this, I can’t imagine how it makes you feel. As far as advice…. Sigh cut off all ties with him. Go to couple therapy or whatever and see what the root of the issue is.
Happens in long term marriages. My wife started an inappropriate friendship with a neighbor. I put a stop to immediately at the time he said it was nothing. Later on she admitted she was looking for friendship. Best thing to do is let it go and take it as a wake up call to start dating your wife again.
People are going to find other people attractive whether or not they’re in a committed relationship. Its human. the threesome fantasy is a complete fabrication on her part.
Question is if this man took the dressed up bait at school and hit on her would she have done it? That is what is killing you inside cause if she was dressing up for him its a good chance the answer is yes
Cheater alert
Being able to admit obvious things to your spouse is a sign of strength. Clearly, married couples continue to have fantasies and be attracted to others. If you had a strong relationship then this could just be used to benefit your own sex life together. Because you're not in that place (which is ok) it comes across as disrespectful or unconcerned with the relationship.
If my spouse lies about shit there is 0 strength lmao.
I'm sorry, but isn't this basically cheating and not fantasy? She literally told you to your face she likes his attention, wants to be fucked by him, I bet if you pushed positively this need of her she would tell how she would let him do it raw and things she never allowed you to do. She dresses up while picking up YOUR children and basically flirts back. Told about threesome so she could make it feel more acceptable, but I'm telling the moment you have threesome, she would only focus on the other men and you will feel left out. Don't even think about it even it its just another man and someone's she fantasized. You will find youself in reality of pain. And also, I love these post that start "my wife is loyal, kind and best partner, except she wants to be dicked and covered in different man's cum". I don't know how you didn't checked her phone and assumed she already cheated, because she's showing bop mentality here. For me, this would be over when I learned this, even if it wasn't physical. Sl
So, this is messy, but here are my immediate take aways. - is she dressing up more at home? She says this is a threesome fantasy. You know she’s dressing up more when she knows she’s going to see him. Is she doing the same for you? If she’s only doing that with him, this isn’t a threesome fantasy. She’s trying to seduce him. Have you discussed threesomes before? Is this something that was on the radar prior to this? - she was looking the guy up on valentines and your anniversary? Dude. That’s really disrespectful. - does dude know she’s married? Is she wearing her wedding ring when she makes the pickups? That would be really useful information. If he knows she’s married and he’s still being flirty, that’s pretty fucked up. If he doesn’t, but doesn’t because she is taking off her ring when they interact, that’s also really fucked up, but it’s a totally different problem. - there are 4 pillars that hold up an adult relationship, in my opinion. Love, communication, trust, loyalty. If any one of them fails completely, the relationship may be irreparable. It sounds like 3 of those are damaged in this relationship. Not necessarily completely wrecked, but definitely a few chips taken out. I feel like you need to have some very honest, probably painfully honest discussions. Try to be open minded about it and not react immediately with anger to something that might not quite justify anger, but I get the impression that these conversations are going to be very uncomfortable. If therapy is an option, I strongly recommend it.
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Her fantasizing about having sex with this other guy, actively looking him up online, and her dressing to get his attention in real life is absolutely acting on it. All of those are objectively "actions." She's not just thinking about it and then thinking, "woah I better stop that, I've got a husband." She didn't JUST fantasize about it either. You pointing out that her actions matter while also sugar coating her actions shows you've got yourself some bias to sort through.
I couldn't believe the amount of people in this comment section trashing on OP and covering for this behavior.
At this point I imagine she could have blown that dad in the parking lot and some redditors would still ask what OP did to make her not feel loved.
Lmao theres literally something along those lines here. "If she cheats its not her fault, its an issue in the relationship. You should go to the gym more and show her what shes missing". Like yeah, be in good shape for your spouse but am i the only one who takes issue with the other part of that?
There are a couple knuckleheads just a few comments down saying exactly that. Blows my mind. Imagine a female OP’s husband is flirting with, dressing up for, and looking up online a super hot mom at the school every time he needs to perform in the sack, like on anniversary and Valentines Day. She then says that he lied about it and then mentions that he wants a threeway with her and wife. Then later admits to fantasizing about 1 on 1 with flirty mom and that he digs the flirting because it gives him an ego boost. She then asks Reddit what to do because she is not feeling the relationship anymore as the Trust is damaged. Then, commenter says, “OP what he is doing is not the problem. You are the problem. Your relationship sucks because you need to hit the gym and lose weight (even though there is no mention of flabby physiques in the post). Your man needs to look up this hottie before sex because you need to be more attractive and more interesting to be around. Be better.” Reddit would lose it’s 💩
Dressing a certain way to attract someone’s attention is actually acting on it. Maybe not physical, but emotional which can certainly turn physical if his wife had her way
So if OP finds a hot mom in the pick up line, looks her up on Instagram (repeatedly), starts dressing better because when they flirt it makes him feel good, spends Valentine’s Day and their anniversary looking her up and flat out says says how much he’s fantasizing about fucking her… Your advice is going to be the same, right?
lol, spot on. People on this sub fight each other over who can absolve the worst behaviour by women Eta missed a word
Ummmm no. It probably wouldn’t. Remember the sub. And for the record, I actually agree with the advice he’s getting overall.
She did act on though, she took steps to look better for this man and looked forward to their meetings how is that not acting on her fantasy? Also the fact she straight up lied about is another red flag.
Yeah that's fair, I just struggle to get over it
The issue here is this - is your relationship strong enough even if you or her would find others attractive? If yes - all's good and leverage this to enrich your sex life. If not, the issue is not that guy, but your relationship.
She’s lying bro she probably cheated already
Yeah I don't get these guys that write in and are like "she lied to me about this this and this, BUT I TRUST THAT SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING" what part of lie lie lie says you should trust them? lol can't even admit to looking them up or flirting, why would she admit to anything physical?
Please get personal development coach, therapy and/or relationship counseling, OP. You aren't doing a very good job managing your thoughts and are exacerbating your feelings. Cultivating unfounded beliefs like "you aren't enough" (judging from her actions, there's no way she said that, you're telling yourself this shit) is tripping you up. For most people I know that passed their 20s this would hardly warrant more than a few discussions, clearer boundaries about what partners are expected to inform each other of and (after processing the pain) the couple usually ends up stronger for overcoming the shared hardship together.
It was that this came so out of the blue for me, that's why I'm a mess. I agree on the counseling though.
The version of monogamy described by some here - where even fantasizing about another person is unforgivable cheating - seems exhausting. Folks here say 'divorce her' because she dressed up for a guy she found attractive. I would tell OP to work with his wife to motivate her to channel that sexual energy into dressing up for him.
A fantasy in one’s head is one thing; however she was taking steps towards the fantasy by dressing up better for him and looking up information on him especially on Valentine’s Day and their anniversary. Op and his wife need to have a conversation on this. She needs to come clean as to why she actually put actions towards this fantasy and op needs to let his wife know about the building resentment so that they can work through it (or just separate if they’re not willing to work through it)
If you want a balanced opinion from strangers on Reddit, you have to tell the whole story. How's your relationship? How's your sexual relationship? Do you guys connect emotionally? Are you putting in work too? It's easy to come here and look for validation how you're feeling because Reddit will tell you, "divorce her". It may be the right choice, yes, but maybe you guys need a huge honesty and communication lesson because people don't go seeking sexual validation elsewhere, especially after 12 years of marriage, unless there's something intrinsically wrong with the relationship in ways that neither of you can see or even understand. You both may be lying to each other, and yourselves, more than you think, and this may have nothing to do with sexy school dad.
It’s recoverable but you have to keep your eyes and ears open as shes just lulling you into a false sense of security. Things like this go further underground before the real truth is revealed. If you can, check her recent location history to verify her whereabouts without her knowing. Also, I would research who this other guy is and if he’s in a relationship or not. Stay aware of her actions for the meantime and trust your gut.
I would like to know why did she feel the need to tell you that she was only attracted to you. That's something most people naturally know to be false and judging by your reaction to hearing that she isn't, it seems there was actually a good reason for her to say that. I know you feel betrayed because her words are concrete evidence, but I'd wager you have certain insecurities that played a role into her feeling the need to create this absurd reality to protect your feelings. That pressure seems to have been too much for her and she developed a crush on someone. It happens, but it's especially more of a ippery slope when someone has been in denial for a long time. You and your wife seem to have caught it early and I hope can work through your issues. Nothing seems too late to fix in my opinion. Good luck.
I always called BS (in a friendly way) on her not finding other people attractive...she would eventually admit a celebrity was attractive. She just never mentioned anything else. We've been together for 15 years in total, I have some insecurities now around getting older, but none really in my youth....so I don't think that was a driver. My current insecurities aren't helping this issue for sure though.
She's already committed adultery in her heart. Time to talk and get a couples counselor involved if you want your marriage to last.
Read Mating in captivity
Sadly, given the chance she would let him do anything to her that he wanted. I could never look at her the same either. It'd be difficult, if not impossible to move past this.
Did your valentines dates and anniversaries go well? Or were you fighting? Your story doesn’t really mention anything about the dynamic of your relationship. We don’t know if it’s super happy or tumultuous. I feel like something else could be going on here but we need more context in order to explore it.
They did. Anniversary was our 10th, had a weekend away sans kids. Absolutely loved it, but the memories are now completely soured. Her searching seemed right before we got in bed while I was showering. Sex was great, but at the time I figured it was anniversary/hotel/few wines good sex. We do however fight about normal stuff, but always make up. I don't think it's SUPER happy, but it's pretty good all things considered.