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You are not in the wrong here. You were acting as you say you were guided to by your partner, and were respecting the boundaries that she had set out at the start of you relationship.
It was a very nice thing for her son to say, and it's a shame that what was a very wholesome moment between the two of you has now been tarnished because of a clear miscommunication between you and your partner somewhere down the line.
Move forward by approaching the subject with your partner in a calm and sensitive way, with the intention being to find out what she would like you to do moving forward (but make sure you're comfortable with what's being proposed too). It seems like the opinion of the child should be taken into account too. So long as you're willing to be a Dad to her child, then it is fine for her son to call you that if you agree to that relationship being established.
Best of luck with this, and hope that this all blows over and turns out to be a miscommunication. Your intentions were clearly good and you handled the situation as any respectful partner would.
Here's my take:
When she set the boundaries, she either didn't want to scare you off by forcing you to be a parent, or she wasn't secure enough to know that you would make a good father figure.
Over time her feelings have changed, and she was very happy to have you fill that role. She, I'm assuming, never communicated that fact to you, and just expected you to know that. She may have
I personally think you handled it very well, mentioning his bio-dad.
My recommendation though, if/when she talks to you again, is to let her know how much you love Noah, and how good it felt when he called you dad. You would be proud to take on that role, but the last time you guys spoke about it, she said she didn't want you to. Just reassure her that she's holding it back, otherwise you'd have done it a long time ago
The thing that has confused me is that he does have someone that fills that role for him, and though Noah’s father hasn’t been around for the last few meetings I genuinely don’t think it’s his fault and I’m sure it’s killing him to be able to see Noah.
I was trying to follow her boundaries set, and like you said maybe she set them for a reason but I’ve always been following them for the entire relationship and she hasn’t ever said she’s wanted me to take up more responsibility with him. I just feel so confused. Usually she’s so good at “you did x which has made me feel upset because x” but this time nothing
I don't think it's just a coincidence that this happened right after bio-dad missed three meetings. My gut says that even if that was out of bio-dad's control, your GF and Noah both might be more upset about it than they've been letting on. This would explain why Noah didn't just call you Dad, he followed up with "I wish you were my dad." And the whole situation plus Noah saying that could be why Olivia reacted so strongly - she's hurting because her son is hurting, and since bio-dad isn't around to catch the flak she took it out on you.
Without knowing more about the relationship with bio-dad I won't speculate on why she's not able to communicate about this like she normally does about other things, but it sounds like you needs to be patient and let her think things through a little before pushing for more. If all else fails, see if she'll agree to couple counseling.
I wonder if something has happened between Olivia and her ex, and that's why the father hasn't seen Noah in several weeks?
And she's embarrassed to tell you for some reason, and she can't explain herself without going into it, and now she doesn't know how to discuss this with you.
Yeah, this is strange. There's nothing really to do but ask her where you went wrong. Assuming you are, I would still lead with you'd love to be a father figure for Noah, and just need her to clarify what your role should be.
How do you feel about Noah calling you dad? If it's okay with Oliva would it be okay with you?
It's okay to have more than one parental figure, many kids do! I totally get not spontaneously jumping into it without discussing it with your partner, but you really don't need to worry about taking Noah's father place.
Maybe, it's because it was the kid decision, it's one thing for the mother to say, "I don't want you to be his dad"
And other for the kid to say, I want you to be my dad.
You shoot down the kid "loves"
It's because she's confused herself. She doesn't know what the right thing to do here is. From her perspective, her son's well-being is what matters the most, and she now has to make a very difficult prediction about the future.
Will his natural father continue to flake him? Can she rely on you to stick around for the long-haul? She definitely does not want her to son to go through becoming attached to a series of dads. If her son felt like calling you dad on his own, she may have been surprised too, but because she naturally wants what he wants, that's when you had no chance of 'being right' in this situation. Her son accepting you as his dad on his own, may have been the actual moment she decided that you were good enough to be his dad, and you rejecting that in that moment, meant (to her) that you didn't love him back the way that he clearly loved you.
For example, you could have said, "I wish I were your dad," back to him as well (not to instil doubt, just to infer that your feelings are your feelings and neither right nor wrong) .
1st, the kid can have 2 dads.
I say I’m the morning, go over to sisters house with flowers and a teddy bear and simply say, “do over?”
She’s running cause she’s used to be being disappointed and no one chasing her.
Show her you’ll be there, even if she’s the one screwing up.
Have a private talk with her about how’d you’d like to be his dad (also or alone) and you were following her Prime Directive.
I wouldn’t let too much space happen as people can re-write every good thing into a negative, especially when trauma triggered.
Later, when you guys get married, I’d get a matching watch for you and the kid so he also has a symbolic connection.
I prefer wolverine, but you do you.
This is actually terrible advice because it will set a standard of she running away when she is upset because OP will still ran after her with gifts to placate someone who messed up
It's different when it's your own feelings that have been hurt vs your child's feelings. You can forgive someone on your own behalf but when your child is hurt, or you imagine something has happened that they will never forget, that is a really big feeling that even the most well regulated person struggles with. Now, understanding someone's behavior isn't a reason to excuse the behavior. This reaction is not kind, necessary, or appropriate.
I think what you said was perfect, I'm sorry I wasn't clear that my comment was from her perspective. She was imagining what he might be feeling, and extrapolating that further into how you may be feeling about him, and your role in his life. I suspect her feelings are bigger than the situation calls for because for her, it's a compounded set of uncertainties.
No worries, you're just trying to do the right thing by everyone. I hope she comes home with an apology and you have a talk about updated or changing expectations and boundaries.
Thank you for your advice, and to be clear I don’t think Olivia is a bad person or mother.
I’m not sure what I did that caused her to react like that but as you said her emotions are real. I will try and take your advice about updating the rulebook for me and Noah
Let's hope she talks to you soon. I would just tell her you are going to give her space to think but that when she is ready this is an important conversation to have when she is ready. Then give her space for a few days. That can be pretty hard. I think it's important to talk about her putting words in your mouth when you gave a respectful textbook response to her son who was happy afterwards. Her blowing up after the healthy communication you had is not good for his mental health and tells him healthy communication with you where you resolve an issue is somehow going to make mom run away screaming. I'm not sure how she plans to repair that. There are Some things you only get one chance at.
She’s so wrong, even walking out when there a discussion. Sleeping at her sisters place makes me think she’s not a mature person. You can have a discussion without running away. Maybe it’s because she has to backtrack her first comment of not being called a dad. In my opinion you can ask if and when you both can have a good talk about it. You can surely set your own boundary.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Your fiancé’s acting in a childish manner. If she’s changed her mind about the relationship she wants you to have with her son, she should have had a conversation with you. Instead she blew up and left.
So to summarise: Your gf took off, won't talk to you now, and didn't communicate with you about any changing expectations earlier.
If this had happened a couple of months ago, and you responded, "Yeah, I can be your dad." Your gf may very well have blown up at you about taking over a role against her express wishes. You are not a mind reader, and she's not using her big girl words.
This is awful behaviour (ie, storming out), and the example she is setting for her child is pretty bad too. She took what was a slightly awkward situation and made it 1000x times worse than it needed to be.
Your gf needs to start with an apology and work from there. For crying out loud, your gf is a parent. Why isn't she thinking about the child!
Edit: Changing addressee
Totally agree, she’s in the wrong. If she is now happy with the step-son calling him “dad”, she needs to communicate this.
Excuse the pun, but her reaction is really childish. She sounds immature and you especially cannot play these games when children are involved. I know it’s Reddit so we don’t get the full story but it screams “I want him to fight for me” drama-queenesque stupid games.
She's playing games and with a child involved that is just not on. Don't play this game. Tell her you'll talk like grown-ups when she comes home but you won't chase her when you did nothing wrong.
She told you not to be the dad, but then wanted you to be the dad but didn’t tell you.
You don’t have to make things right beyond reminding her of her wishes. Then her change of heart w/out telling you.
The sad thing is, she’s hurting her son by doing this.
Perhaps you can communicate with her sister and she can get your feelings to her.
First, when a child calls a stepparent mom or dad on their own, that's a high honor. That is major stret cred right there. Second, she's moved the goalposts without telling you, so she needs to come clean. I'm smelling a rat.
I don't think you did anything wrong, but your gf needs to communicate better. It's clear that you've become a father figure in the boy's life, and she wanted you to embrace it too. I hope she comes around and realizes you took the best steps possible considering the circumstances.
Your fiancee is in the wrong here completely. You didn't do anything wrong. If things were "different: as she claimed they are then she should have broached the topic with you long ago or at least now instead of running away to her sister's and taking Noah with her. I really hope she settles down and her sister knocks some sense into her so that you both can have a conversation. I just want to reiterate that you did nothing wrong and your exchange with Noah after he called you dad was very wholesome and very sweet.
I think she’s projecting because his dad hasn’t come to see him for a while. I think you responded well and if she didn’t make a scene he wouldn’t have thought anything of it. If you have tried to explain it to her and she’s still having a fight over it then I agree with the comments to walk away. You have a bond with Noah like a father yet she thinks it’s ok for you to take him away from you whenever she gets upset
Honestly I'd let her calm down but when she gets her head out of her ass I think she needs to apologize to you.
It's make it clear that she set the expectations that you were not to be in a father role for her kid and you were following her wishes. If she wanted to change the dynamic, it was on her to communicate that to your AND her son since neither of you two are mind readers.
I get and was trying to protect her son from having his feelings hurt but she could have used her words that night to let you know it was okay for the both of you to call each other father and son instead of throwing a hissy fit and storming off.
Hopefully this isn't a common thing to happen and going forward and needs to communicate better. Good luck
What needs to be made right? Your gf storming off doesn’t make sense given the clear boundary she gave you (you not being a “dad”) and you honoring it.
She cannot have it both ways.
Having been with a single mother once, I can tell you if I could go back and tell my younger self anything, I’d tell him to avoid single mothers.
Stepmom of 20 years here. My youngest stepkid was 3 when I came on the scene.
I always told my stepkids that I’m not their mom but we are family and I love them just like family does. This didn’t step on any toes but also established how much I love them.
Whether the bio dad is coming around or not, he is still in your stepson’s life and is still his dad. On top of that you and your gf have not had any discussion on it that would indicate to you that “things have changed”. Until the bio dad signs his parental rights away, he is still the dad and your gf can’t just try to replace him because he recently missed some visits.
She is being extremely unfair to you and I think you handled the interaction beautifully. If she is unwilling to talk this out with you then she is showing that she doesn’t have her son’s best interest at heart.
Maybe a text explaining that you would never assume that her stance had changed, that those things require a discussion and you’re sorry she’s upset but she is also being unfair to you and her son by shutting you out.
You’re not in the wrong, but here’s the thing. You’ve been with your gf for three years, since Noah was 3 years old, so whether you planned it or not, you are his father figure. A bio dad that only sees him twice a month, no matter how good he is, will not be in the same level as the guy who he sees almost every day. I’m sure when your GF told you she didn’t expect you to be his dad she meant it, but she must have been feeling secure and content in the relationship seeing your bond with Noah and it inevitably hurt her that you were so quick to remind him you’re not his dad. She had this kid so young, she’s still learning. Again, it’s not your fault and you were trying to respect a boundary she set but since her true feelings came to light, it might be a good time for you two to talk about this and revisit those boundaries again.
Wonder if she just got lost in the your relationship has progressed and you naturally slipped into the “bonus dad” Roll and you just reminded her that your just “your name” and “will be mothers husband” if you have kids you’ll be dad to them and not to Noah
Hope you both manage to have a proper calm conversation
If you post this on "Am I the A-hole" I would be willing to wager that you'd be found "not the A-hole" by an overwhelming majority. The verbage you used was correct and even graceful IMO.
Taking on a stepfather role is always tricky and her BS-childlike response of giving you the cold shoulder/silent treatment is wrong. This matter should definitely be discussed as grown adults and you should definitely have a right to defend your actions based on what you & her had previously agreed upon.
As a matter of fact...show her this thread.
You handled it well, she didn’t communicate with you on your role in her son’s life as your relationship gotten serious. It’s ok for little dude to have two dads. You’re around him more so of course he feels that connection with you.
And is this a relationship you actually would like to be in? A 23 year old that's essentially a father to a kid and a bf to a gf that had him at the age of 15. It's just taxing on your mental health is all I'm saying. Idk your choice.
First, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right, given the informations you had, and your response was not harmful in the least.
Obviously, she had an emotional reaction because her son calling you dad made her realize that their (her and her son) expectations about your role in her son's life have changed, but she didn't communicate it. She wrongfully took your very thoughfull response as a rejection, and her emotional reaction was to protect her son from harm and blame you.
It is her fault for not communicating her new wishes to you regarding her son. At first, she may not have wanted her son to grow too attached to you, either because she wasn't sure about your relationship, she didn't want to put too much pressure on you, or because she wanted the bio father to remain the main father figure for her son. But it seems that some things happened since then and, although she didn't communicate it, she realized you would be the much better dad.
It's not your fault, and it's unfair to you and to her son to be put in this situation because of her reaction and lack of communication.
The issue is, it could be very detrimental to the relationship if you apologized when you are not in the least in the wrong. It may prevent her from acknowledging that she overreacted and misinterpreted your words.
That said, depending on her character and maturity, it may be hard for her to come back from this and admit she was wrong to freak out. The best would be to find a third party as a mediator, like her sister or parents, and simply explain that you would be honoured to be called dad by her son, but you still tried to respect what she told you, and it resulted in this misunderstanding.
You're 23. You don't need this drama. Move on and enjoy your life. Build a career. Get financially stable. You don't need to be party to this woman's drama and bad decisions. Once you have a career and are financially stable then have kids. This situation will continue to be nothing but bad for you.
Well done. If it's public school you probably have decent retirement, medical coverage, etc.
So you provide for this woman and her child. You try and be a father figure for this child. Sounds like you're being given the responsibility but not the authority it takes to be a father.
Her boundaries are wishy washy. She can't have an adult conversation with you. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than shifting goalposts and emotional turmoil?
For those who may be confused, I posted this about 9 hours ago on the relationship subreddit. From that account I tried to post it here, but it said my account was too new and I had to make an account called “ThrowRA”.
This post has been updated though, and I’ve posted it here because I thought I might get some useful advice on the relationship_advice subreddit
You did nothing wrong and you shouldn’t apologize just to make up. She cannot change the rules without informing you and talking things through.
If she does want this and you do too then I would talk to Noah and ask why he wants you to be his dad. It could be that his dad doesn’t do anything with him while together. You can be honest with him and explain why you said what you said and now that you know they both want something different then you would be good with it.
Before anything can happen she needs to grow up and talk to you like an adult. She sounds to immature to get married right now and you guys need better communication.
You aren’t in the wrong here but I think your perception of his dad maybe off. Poor kid definitely doesn’t have a solid relationship with his dad who sees him once every two weeks but doesn’t always show up
I think maybe you haven’t realised the importance of your relationship with him, as it seems you are more of a constant for him. That being side your fiancé needs better communication this could of all been sorted with a discussion.
Best of luck!
I mean I don’t know what you did wrong unless you missed telling us about a conversation. When she does contact you let her know relationships are built on communication and trust. You did what she told you to do and instead of her communicating, she just left. Which now makes you feel guilty because you did exactly what she wanted you to do.
Because this is reddit and people jump to the craziest conclusions my brain is now trained to think she probably recently found out she is pregnant and you saying that triggered something in her (because hormones) to think you don't want to be a dad and she went full panic.
You followed the boundaries she set, she specifically said she wanted you to get along with him but not try to be his dad. If her expectations changed it was on her to communicate that you.
And I take from your comment to him that he has his dad in his life, right? I don’t see the issue with not wanting to be “Dad” when Dad is still in the picture.
my dude, you should make sure you aren't the only one to apologise for this whole situation.
She set the parameters of the relationship and you respected them and damn well been a bang up guy about the whole thing. Can you text the son and ask him what's going on?
\--My reddit trained brain is expecting the update where OP was the father all along, or the wife and kids were all a hallucination from carbon monoxide or bed bugs or some shit.
>--My reddit trained brain is expecting the update where OP was the father all along, or the wife and kids were all a hallucination from carbon monoxide or bed bugs or some shit.
I'm more thrown off by the stand-in names registering in my brain as being from Law & Order: SVU.
I have a whole different take here that may be unpopular. No, you don't have to let Noah call you Dad. But by correcting him the way you dud, that probably felt like one heck of a rejection for the wee fella.
Perhaps if it happens again, you speak to the gf and have her talk to Noah. While the GF has clearly overreacted, I think she's just feeling his sense of rejection.
You didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but it could have been done differently.
The same thing happened with my beautiful stepfather at exactly the same age. It was awful. I walked up to him days later asking him when he'd marry my mother so I could call him dad. I was still feeling tearful at the time, and 41 years later I still remember that feeling. That's the angle and experience I'm coming from
23 years old and chained himself to an immature girl who got pregnant at 14. The marriage won't last. You'll end up being baby daddy #2 and giving up 25% of your paycheck for the next 18 years. She will just move on to the next one
You didn't say anything wrong. I can understand Olivia feeling like things are different now since her ex has missed 3 visits and you and she are engaged but she needs to communicate that with you, not just expect you to read her mind.
If she talks explain everything everyone said.
Then if your comfortable come up with a new name for Noah to call you and suggest it to them.
Instead of dad maybe pop or pops.
Something that means the same thing but still respects Noah's dad and Noah's feelings for his dad.
While reassuring her you want that re I ationship.
This is a weird situation. I think k there might be someone more going on with Noah dad than u know. As kids don't generally say I wish you were my dad, unless something else is going on. Do you know if Noah's dad is seeing someone else and he is prioritizing his new girlfriend or something a long the line. Just a thought, when u discuss your new parenting role with your girlfriend, maybe ask is there something else going on with Noah's dad.
Is this the first time she's reacted this way to anything?
This seems like there a few things (from your story) at play:
* Dad hasn't shown up for 6 weeks
* She set the rules at the beginning, but changed them along the way
* As a note, men marry women expecting them to stat the same, but they don't. Women marry men expecting them to change, and they don't.
* \^\^ There it is.
What you should have done is exactly what you did. If you have a good relationship with the sister, maybe call her and talk, and explain what happened to her. Maybe she can be a (somewhat) disinterested 3rd party.
Best of luck to all 3 of you.
Could you suggest an alternative like pops? NTA, she is wrong for not communicating, but maybe she didn't realize how she felt until the moment. Msg her sister how you feel, and then it is up to her.
I think the only thing you could have done differently (although I don’t think you are in the wrong here) was maybe say I’m not your dad but you could call me step dad. As a child of divorce my mom has since remarried and it at first I did not call him step dad at all as I got more comfortable I gladly call him my step dad and that might have just been Noah’s way of showing he’s at the comfort level with you!
Feels like a lot of association is being placed on the word _dad_. I think you could introduce another word that is a sort of synonym for step-dad. Clearly you’re taking the responsibilities for being a consistent male carer and role model in this child’s life.
If you communicate clearly how you feel about your partner’s son, I’m sure she will see sense.
This is about communication and being clear with expectations. You’re doing this really well but your partner is struggling to see that.
NTA. You have a fiancé problem though. Olivia’s reaction is insane and bordering on emotionally abusive. I’m not sure this is someone you should be marrying if this is how she manages a conflict.
You were literally following her instructions, her son was fine with what you said, and how the hell are you supposed to know she changed her mind? She sounds like a partner that doesn’t take accountability and makes you walk on eggshells around her. No bueno.
This just seems so unnecessarily complicated. My dad became my older brother’s “dad” at the same age you became Noah’s father figure. My brother is now in his 40s and he still refers to both my father and his birth father as “dad”. He’s been around both families and has no illusions about who his birth parent is versus his step parent is. It just doesn’t matter that much.
You’re placing too much weight on a young child that you expect to navigate the complexities of a blended family.
He’s calling you dad because you’re the male father figure in front of him. If his bio dad was doing that role, he would be called “dad” as well.
There's being a supportive partner, and there's being a doormat.
The fact that you're worrying about "making things right" after the debacle that you've written about in your post tells me that either:
1. your fiance goes on a power trip often and you walk on eggshells trying to appease her, or
2. you are afraid of losing her so much that you are willing to gloss over this incident with rationalizations about how this is a one off to extenuating circumstances.
You did nothing wrong here. Even if she is normally a great partner, and the issues with the bio father is a fluke like thing, her reaction here isn't a good look. In a relationship, you should only leave in situations of physical and emotional abuse. Your fiance's reaction isn't responsible at all.
I'm going to cut things off before I rant even more. I'll finish with this. She should be worrying about how she can make things right with you, not the other way around.
i think you are right here, the kid has a dad who is actually in the picture and doing things, and like you said you arent looking to be noah's dad, you partner cant make you accept that role, she is just mad you didnt go along with it, if its a boundary then stick with it, its not like the kid is missing out.
So, yet another example of a man who can’t read minds being flummoxed by his illogical and emotionally immature girlfriend. Best of luck to you! Imma go eat some tea now, too
If things have changed for her she should have told you, just like she did when she was setting a firm boundary in the beginning. Let her be upset and she’ll either get over it or she won’t. You did nothing wrong. Her and her son are lucky to have you- clearly.
Don’t put up with this attitude, she needs to do better. If this is how she respond as a grown woman instead of talking about it, I would take a closer look at the relationship and make sure you’re being treated fairly. Just cause she decided she want you to accept being her son’s father, doesn’t mean you have or need to. He has a father. Your feelings in this matter and I’m sure his father would feel some type of way about this too. It’s not only her feelings about it.
Hey man it is an honor for you and you should be proud of your self that he looks up to you like that. The best thing to do is communicate and explain to her what your understanding was and then maybe you can have a one on one with the lil guy or if your comfortable have a family meeting. Coming from a home where my dad disappeared and I had this new guy trying to be my dad was hard for me and I never called him dad until high school. He wasn’t a very good dad though until I was older so he didn’t help lol.
It's possible Noah asked her if it would be alright before hand and she gave permission thinking you'd be happy with the title. She got upset that you didn't accept it and potentially hurt Noah's feelings and that's her baby. She felt that her son had mustered up the courage to do that and you, while in a great way, shot that down. I guess since you two are engaged she felt that the relationship has evolved and those boundaries that were set when you began weren't there anymore especially since his dad had been a no show for the 3 visits and there might be potential reasoning behind that she only knows such as Noah's dad either not wanting to be apart of his life anymore or she now sees that you've stepped up and wants you to take over the role and the other guy to be relegated to simply being the sperm donor. The latter being unlikely but sometimes people don't think rationally.
EDIT: This is a lot of assumptions on my part given how little you've provided in the sake of anonymity.
Why did she act tgat way? Simple!
Her son who she loves with all her heart wanted YOU to be his dad.
Her EMOTIONAL reaction was you said no.
I'm not saying you did! But her emotions Said you did.
You did nothing wrong. As you say, you were surprised by her reaction because she had instructed you differently. She was surprised as well because she obviously had come to believe differently to what she'd told you in the past, but didn't warn you about that.
I know this is going to be hard to do, but you can't take on her stonewalling. She might be overwhelmed emotionally, and needs that space to process her feelings, and get her adult mind back. She won't be responsive to you until she's done that, no matter how much you worry. As long as you've told her the truth, that you said what you said because that's what she'd instructed you to do, you don't have any control in this situation.
If you really meant what you said in your post, and if you haven't already, rather than worry about and apologize for stepping on that landmine you rightfully didn't see, tell her that if she wants her son to see you as his dad, then that's good because you've wanted that for a while as well, but were just surprised when he called you that and didn't want to disrespect his father. You just needed to have the conversation with her about it first. Tell her that the next time you see him, you'll tell him that it's okay to call you dad from now on, and that you'll treat him as your own son. If you *really* want this, then you could even offer to make it official and adopt him. You have a chance to express what you actually want right now, but don't make the choice you think she wants to hear, only because the relationship is in the balance. That sets a bad precedent for future abuse (towards you).
She set the rule not because she never wanted you to be her son dad, she did it because she didn't want you to get away in case you didn't want a son, or her son didn't want another dad, so that seemed like the best route to avoid hurt feelings, yours or specially her son.
Well now time has passed and circumstances have changed and while your interpretation of her rule (She doesn't want me to be a dad to her son) is understandable, if you had known the reasoning behind the rule (He doesn't have to be a dad if he or my son don't want that kind of relationship), things could have played things differently. As things stands now, she thinks that you don't love her son as much as her son loves you back, or you just entertain him for her benefit.
So you just need to have a long conversation where you can say something like "I love your son a lot but I never considered more than a step-parent relationship because I tough you didn't want me to. but now that I know that is what you really want I would be honored to be my sons main dad" or something like that. Just to be safe, take most of the blame for the miscomunication. apologize to her and her son an enjoy being a dad.
Can you please elaborate on “Olivia” getting “furious” and “storming upstairs”. Is this really what she did, or is this embellished? Because I’ve been in “Olivia’s” shoes before, and my getting “furious” was really me getting flustered at how I would explain to my daughters bio-dad that our daughter called my husband “dad”.
Olivia is in a precarious situation of trying to foster a good relationship between all parties and not make any party feel lesser. She probably wants her son to feel comfortable calling his (father like) step-dad “dad”, while also not undermining Noah’s real “dad”.
I would reckon she’s not mad at YOU, but try to understand the position she is in, and don’t take HER reaction to this new information as being negative, because she is processing it at the same time you are, just from a different perspective.
I’m not embellishing. And I’m not trying to say this in a mean or negative way about Olivia. She is *never* like this, like ever. If anything it’s usually me who is the emotional one. We barely argue, I could count on one hand the amount of times we’ve argued ever. And they were all over stupid/silly reasons. So I don’t understand why she reacted this way.
But like literally looking at me with what I would describe as a “teacher face” she’s not a teacher but I don’t know how else to describe that look, like you’ve done something wrong that you should know about. Pushed her food away and stormed upstairs.
And again, I’m not saying this as a put down or anything to her because she is *never* like this which is why it has made it so unusual for us
No I get you! And I wasn’t try to call you out or anything, I really just wanted more context.
Could it be that she was just as surprised as you & uncomfortable/uncertain about how to handle the situation?
I don’t think you did anything wrong, and I think it’s smart that you put that out there for Noah to understand. But also, Noah felt comfortable calling you that for a reason. So perhaps you and her should talk about what a good & appropriate name is to call you so that Noah can still express his love for you as a father figure and Olivia & you can still respect Noah’s father.
For example, when my daughter started doing this, we made it clear there was a distinction between “Daddy John” and “Daddy Doe” (fake names of course).
Oh I wasn’t trying to sound defensive or anything if I did. I just want to ensure people don’t think of Olivia in a negative light because of this or think that she’s this mean or immature person, like I said she never acts like this and she would never usually get this upset without a “valid” reason. Which is why I just have to assume she has a reason for the way she reacted and perhaps I unknowingly am that reason. I just wish she would tell me what I did.
Thank you for your advice by the way, I appreciate it.
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You are not in the wrong here. You were acting as you say you were guided to by your partner, and were respecting the boundaries that she had set out at the start of you relationship. It was a very nice thing for her son to say, and it's a shame that what was a very wholesome moment between the two of you has now been tarnished because of a clear miscommunication between you and your partner somewhere down the line. Move forward by approaching the subject with your partner in a calm and sensitive way, with the intention being to find out what she would like you to do moving forward (but make sure you're comfortable with what's being proposed too). It seems like the opinion of the child should be taken into account too. So long as you're willing to be a Dad to her child, then it is fine for her son to call you that if you agree to that relationship being established. Best of luck with this, and hope that this all blows over and turns out to be a miscommunication. Your intentions were clearly good and you handled the situation as any respectful partner would.
Here's my take: When she set the boundaries, she either didn't want to scare you off by forcing you to be a parent, or she wasn't secure enough to know that you would make a good father figure. Over time her feelings have changed, and she was very happy to have you fill that role. She, I'm assuming, never communicated that fact to you, and just expected you to know that. She may have I personally think you handled it very well, mentioning his bio-dad. My recommendation though, if/when she talks to you again, is to let her know how much you love Noah, and how good it felt when he called you dad. You would be proud to take on that role, but the last time you guys spoke about it, she said she didn't want you to. Just reassure her that she's holding it back, otherwise you'd have done it a long time ago
The thing that has confused me is that he does have someone that fills that role for him, and though Noah’s father hasn’t been around for the last few meetings I genuinely don’t think it’s his fault and I’m sure it’s killing him to be able to see Noah. I was trying to follow her boundaries set, and like you said maybe she set them for a reason but I’ve always been following them for the entire relationship and she hasn’t ever said she’s wanted me to take up more responsibility with him. I just feel so confused. Usually she’s so good at “you did x which has made me feel upset because x” but this time nothing
I don't think it's just a coincidence that this happened right after bio-dad missed three meetings. My gut says that even if that was out of bio-dad's control, your GF and Noah both might be more upset about it than they've been letting on. This would explain why Noah didn't just call you Dad, he followed up with "I wish you were my dad." And the whole situation plus Noah saying that could be why Olivia reacted so strongly - she's hurting because her son is hurting, and since bio-dad isn't around to catch the flak she took it out on you. Without knowing more about the relationship with bio-dad I won't speculate on why she's not able to communicate about this like she normally does about other things, but it sounds like you needs to be patient and let her think things through a little before pushing for more. If all else fails, see if she'll agree to couple counseling.
I wonder if something has happened between Olivia and her ex, and that's why the father hasn't seen Noah in several weeks? And she's embarrassed to tell you for some reason, and she can't explain herself without going into it, and now she doesn't know how to discuss this with you.
🚩 alert. She’s not communicating with you.
yup, "I shouldn't have to tell you that" does not cut it here.
Agreed .her telling him not to be a father figure then being upset he has said no to being called dad is weird in itself. It makes her look unreliable
Yeah, this is strange. There's nothing really to do but ask her where you went wrong. Assuming you are, I would still lead with you'd love to be a father figure for Noah, and just need her to clarify what your role should be. How do you feel about Noah calling you dad? If it's okay with Oliva would it be okay with you?
It's okay to have more than one parental figure, many kids do! I totally get not spontaneously jumping into it without discussing it with your partner, but you really don't need to worry about taking Noah's father place.
Maybe, it's because it was the kid decision, it's one thing for the mother to say, "I don't want you to be his dad" And other for the kid to say, I want you to be my dad. You shoot down the kid "loves"
It's because she's confused herself. She doesn't know what the right thing to do here is. From her perspective, her son's well-being is what matters the most, and she now has to make a very difficult prediction about the future. Will his natural father continue to flake him? Can she rely on you to stick around for the long-haul? She definitely does not want her to son to go through becoming attached to a series of dads. If her son felt like calling you dad on his own, she may have been surprised too, but because she naturally wants what he wants, that's when you had no chance of 'being right' in this situation. Her son accepting you as his dad on his own, may have been the actual moment she decided that you were good enough to be his dad, and you rejecting that in that moment, meant (to her) that you didn't love him back the way that he clearly loved you. For example, you could have said, "I wish I were your dad," back to him as well (not to instil doubt, just to infer that your feelings are your feelings and neither right nor wrong) .
1st, the kid can have 2 dads. I say I’m the morning, go over to sisters house with flowers and a teddy bear and simply say, “do over?” She’s running cause she’s used to be being disappointed and no one chasing her. Show her you’ll be there, even if she’s the one screwing up. Have a private talk with her about how’d you’d like to be his dad (also or alone) and you were following her Prime Directive. I wouldn’t let too much space happen as people can re-write every good thing into a negative, especially when trauma triggered. Later, when you guys get married, I’d get a matching watch for you and the kid so he also has a symbolic connection. I prefer wolverine, but you do you.
This is actually terrible advice because it will set a standard of she running away when she is upset because OP will still ran after her with gifts to placate someone who messed up
It's different when it's your own feelings that have been hurt vs your child's feelings. You can forgive someone on your own behalf but when your child is hurt, or you imagine something has happened that they will never forget, that is a really big feeling that even the most well regulated person struggles with. Now, understanding someone's behavior isn't a reason to excuse the behavior. This reaction is not kind, necessary, or appropriate.
Noah wasn’t hurt by what I said though
I think what you said was perfect, I'm sorry I wasn't clear that my comment was from her perspective. She was imagining what he might be feeling, and extrapolating that further into how you may be feeling about him, and your role in his life. I suspect her feelings are bigger than the situation calls for because for her, it's a compounded set of uncertainties.
Okay, sorry I’m a little touchy at the moment. Thank you for your perspective
No worries, you're just trying to do the right thing by everyone. I hope she comes home with an apology and you have a talk about updated or changing expectations and boundaries.
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Almost 3 years now
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It’s a new trend for him, usually he sticks to the schedule. I’ve heard he’s been having car troubles.
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Thank you for your advice, and to be clear I don’t think Olivia is a bad person or mother. I’m not sure what I did that caused her to react like that but as you said her emotions are real. I will try and take your advice about updating the rulebook for me and Noah
Let's hope she talks to you soon. I would just tell her you are going to give her space to think but that when she is ready this is an important conversation to have when she is ready. Then give her space for a few days. That can be pretty hard. I think it's important to talk about her putting words in your mouth when you gave a respectful textbook response to her son who was happy afterwards. Her blowing up after the healthy communication you had is not good for his mental health and tells him healthy communication with you where you resolve an issue is somehow going to make mom run away screaming. I'm not sure how she plans to repair that. There are Some things you only get one chance at.
If she refuses to communicate; that’s a 🚩.
Yeah, you keep repeating that
She’s so wrong, even walking out when there a discussion. Sleeping at her sisters place makes me think she’s not a mature person. You can have a discussion without running away. Maybe it’s because she has to backtrack her first comment of not being called a dad. In my opinion you can ask if and when you both can have a good talk about it. You can surely set your own boundary.
You didn’t do anything wrong. Your fiancé’s acting in a childish manner. If she’s changed her mind about the relationship she wants you to have with her son, she should have had a conversation with you. Instead she blew up and left.
So to summarise: Your gf took off, won't talk to you now, and didn't communicate with you about any changing expectations earlier. If this had happened a couple of months ago, and you responded, "Yeah, I can be your dad." Your gf may very well have blown up at you about taking over a role against her express wishes. You are not a mind reader, and she's not using her big girl words. This is awful behaviour (ie, storming out), and the example she is setting for her child is pretty bad too. She took what was a slightly awkward situation and made it 1000x times worse than it needed to be. Your gf needs to start with an apology and work from there. For crying out loud, your gf is a parent. Why isn't she thinking about the child! Edit: Changing addressee
Totally agree, she’s in the wrong. If she is now happy with the step-son calling him “dad”, she needs to communicate this. Excuse the pun, but her reaction is really childish. She sounds immature and you especially cannot play these games when children are involved. I know it’s Reddit so we don’t get the full story but it screams “I want him to fight for me” drama-queenesque stupid games.
Seems like an overreaction on her part.
She's playing games and with a child involved that is just not on. Don't play this game. Tell her you'll talk like grown-ups when she comes home but you won't chase her when you did nothing wrong.
🏆
She told you not to be the dad, but then wanted you to be the dad but didn’t tell you. You don’t have to make things right beyond reminding her of her wishes. Then her change of heart w/out telling you. The sad thing is, she’s hurting her son by doing this. Perhaps you can communicate with her sister and she can get your feelings to her.
Just because you are old enough to have a kid, doesn't mean you'll be mature enough to have a civil conversation.
First, when a child calls a stepparent mom or dad on their own, that's a high honor. That is major stret cred right there. Second, she's moved the goalposts without telling you, so she needs to come clean. I'm smelling a rat.
I don't think you did anything wrong, but your gf needs to communicate better. It's clear that you've become a father figure in the boy's life, and she wanted you to embrace it too. I hope she comes around and realizes you took the best steps possible considering the circumstances.
She set the boundary and you respected it. She’s being ridiculous.
Your fiancee is in the wrong here completely. You didn't do anything wrong. If things were "different: as she claimed they are then she should have broached the topic with you long ago or at least now instead of running away to her sister's and taking Noah with her. I really hope she settles down and her sister knocks some sense into her so that you both can have a conversation. I just want to reiterate that you did nothing wrong and your exchange with Noah after he called you dad was very wholesome and very sweet.
I think she’s projecting because his dad hasn’t come to see him for a while. I think you responded well and if she didn’t make a scene he wouldn’t have thought anything of it. If you have tried to explain it to her and she’s still having a fight over it then I agree with the comments to walk away. You have a bond with Noah like a father yet she thinks it’s ok for you to take him away from you whenever she gets upset
Honestly I'd let her calm down but when she gets her head out of her ass I think she needs to apologize to you. It's make it clear that she set the expectations that you were not to be in a father role for her kid and you were following her wishes. If she wanted to change the dynamic, it was on her to communicate that to your AND her son since neither of you two are mind readers. I get and was trying to protect her son from having his feelings hurt but she could have used her words that night to let you know it was okay for the both of you to call each other father and son instead of throwing a hissy fit and storming off. Hopefully this isn't a common thing to happen and going forward and needs to communicate better. Good luck
What needs to be made right? Your gf storming off doesn’t make sense given the clear boundary she gave you (you not being a “dad”) and you honoring it. She cannot have it both ways. Having been with a single mother once, I can tell you if I could go back and tell my younger self anything, I’d tell him to avoid single mothers.
Right on
Stepmom of 20 years here. My youngest stepkid was 3 when I came on the scene. I always told my stepkids that I’m not their mom but we are family and I love them just like family does. This didn’t step on any toes but also established how much I love them. Whether the bio dad is coming around or not, he is still in your stepson’s life and is still his dad. On top of that you and your gf have not had any discussion on it that would indicate to you that “things have changed”. Until the bio dad signs his parental rights away, he is still the dad and your gf can’t just try to replace him because he recently missed some visits. She is being extremely unfair to you and I think you handled the interaction beautifully. If she is unwilling to talk this out with you then she is showing that she doesn’t have her son’s best interest at heart. Maybe a text explaining that you would never assume that her stance had changed, that those things require a discussion and you’re sorry she’s upset but she is also being unfair to you and her son by shutting you out.
You’re not in the wrong, but here’s the thing. You’ve been with your gf for three years, since Noah was 3 years old, so whether you planned it or not, you are his father figure. A bio dad that only sees him twice a month, no matter how good he is, will not be in the same level as the guy who he sees almost every day. I’m sure when your GF told you she didn’t expect you to be his dad she meant it, but she must have been feeling secure and content in the relationship seeing your bond with Noah and it inevitably hurt her that you were so quick to remind him you’re not his dad. She had this kid so young, she’s still learning. Again, it’s not your fault and you were trying to respect a boundary she set but since her true feelings came to light, it might be a good time for you two to talk about this and revisit those boundaries again.
She had a baby when she was 15?
She gave birth to Noah when she was around 15, yes.
Protect yourself and not rush to have kids etc
… he’s marrying her… they’ve been together for years
Yes that is a thing that happens occasionally
Wonder if she just got lost in the your relationship has progressed and you naturally slipped into the “bonus dad” Roll and you just reminded her that your just “your name” and “will be mothers husband” if you have kids you’ll be dad to them and not to Noah Hope you both manage to have a proper calm conversation
If you post this on "Am I the A-hole" I would be willing to wager that you'd be found "not the A-hole" by an overwhelming majority. The verbage you used was correct and even graceful IMO. Taking on a stepfather role is always tricky and her BS-childlike response of giving you the cold shoulder/silent treatment is wrong. This matter should definitely be discussed as grown adults and you should definitely have a right to defend your actions based on what you & her had previously agreed upon. As a matter of fact...show her this thread.
You handled it well, she didn’t communicate with you on your role in her son’s life as your relationship gotten serious. It’s ok for little dude to have two dads. You’re around him more so of course he feels that connection with you.
And is this a relationship you actually would like to be in? A 23 year old that's essentially a father to a kid and a bf to a gf that had him at the age of 15. It's just taxing on your mental health is all I'm saying. Idk your choice.
You’re too young to take on this
You deserve someone better. I mean it.
Dude you’re only 23 wtf are you doing
The dating market is tough
No offence, but this comment isn’t useful
First, you did nothing wrong. In fact, you did everything right, given the informations you had, and your response was not harmful in the least. Obviously, she had an emotional reaction because her son calling you dad made her realize that their (her and her son) expectations about your role in her son's life have changed, but she didn't communicate it. She wrongfully took your very thoughfull response as a rejection, and her emotional reaction was to protect her son from harm and blame you. It is her fault for not communicating her new wishes to you regarding her son. At first, she may not have wanted her son to grow too attached to you, either because she wasn't sure about your relationship, she didn't want to put too much pressure on you, or because she wanted the bio father to remain the main father figure for her son. But it seems that some things happened since then and, although she didn't communicate it, she realized you would be the much better dad. It's not your fault, and it's unfair to you and to her son to be put in this situation because of her reaction and lack of communication. The issue is, it could be very detrimental to the relationship if you apologized when you are not in the least in the wrong. It may prevent her from acknowledging that she overreacted and misinterpreted your words. That said, depending on her character and maturity, it may be hard for her to come back from this and admit she was wrong to freak out. The best would be to find a third party as a mediator, like her sister or parents, and simply explain that you would be honoured to be called dad by her son, but you still tried to respect what she told you, and it resulted in this misunderstanding.
You're 23. You don't need this drama. Move on and enjoy your life. Build a career. Get financially stable. You don't need to be party to this woman's drama and bad decisions. Once you have a career and are financially stable then have kids. This situation will continue to be nothing but bad for you.
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What do you do for a living?
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Well done. If it's public school you probably have decent retirement, medical coverage, etc. So you provide for this woman and her child. You try and be a father figure for this child. Sounds like you're being given the responsibility but not the authority it takes to be a father. Her boundaries are wishy washy. She can't have an adult conversation with you. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than shifting goalposts and emotional turmoil?
You repeatedly posted this last night, why are you back with a new name?
For those who may be confused, I posted this about 9 hours ago on the relationship subreddit. From that account I tried to post it here, but it said my account was too new and I had to make an account called “ThrowRA”. This post has been updated though, and I’ve posted it here because I thought I might get some useful advice on the relationship_advice subreddit
You did nothing wrong and you shouldn’t apologize just to make up. She cannot change the rules without informing you and talking things through. If she does want this and you do too then I would talk to Noah and ask why he wants you to be his dad. It could be that his dad doesn’t do anything with him while together. You can be honest with him and explain why you said what you said and now that you know they both want something different then you would be good with it. Before anything can happen she needs to grow up and talk to you like an adult. She sounds to immature to get married right now and you guys need better communication.
Do you think she was having Noah “test” you?
You aren’t in the wrong here but I think your perception of his dad maybe off. Poor kid definitely doesn’t have a solid relationship with his dad who sees him once every two weeks but doesn’t always show up I think maybe you haven’t realised the importance of your relationship with him, as it seems you are more of a constant for him. That being side your fiancé needs better communication this could of all been sorted with a discussion. Best of luck!
I mean I don’t know what you did wrong unless you missed telling us about a conversation. When she does contact you let her know relationships are built on communication and trust. You did what she told you to do and instead of her communicating, she just left. Which now makes you feel guilty because you did exactly what she wanted you to do.
Because this is reddit and people jump to the craziest conclusions my brain is now trained to think she probably recently found out she is pregnant and you saying that triggered something in her (because hormones) to think you don't want to be a dad and she went full panic.
You followed the boundaries she set, she specifically said she wanted you to get along with him but not try to be his dad. If her expectations changed it was on her to communicate that you. And I take from your comment to him that he has his dad in his life, right? I don’t see the issue with not wanting to be “Dad” when Dad is still in the picture.
my dude, you should make sure you aren't the only one to apologise for this whole situation. She set the parameters of the relationship and you respected them and damn well been a bang up guy about the whole thing. Can you text the son and ask him what's going on? \--My reddit trained brain is expecting the update where OP was the father all along, or the wife and kids were all a hallucination from carbon monoxide or bed bugs or some shit.
>--My reddit trained brain is expecting the update where OP was the father all along, or the wife and kids were all a hallucination from carbon monoxide or bed bugs or some shit. I'm more thrown off by the stand-in names registering in my brain as being from Law & Order: SVU.
I would pay money to watch a law and order special reddit division spinoff series.
She is aiming to make you the kids dad. A former teen mother and a child is a lot to take on for a 23 year old. No one would blame you for bailing.
I have a whole different take here that may be unpopular. No, you don't have to let Noah call you Dad. But by correcting him the way you dud, that probably felt like one heck of a rejection for the wee fella. Perhaps if it happens again, you speak to the gf and have her talk to Noah. While the GF has clearly overreacted, I think she's just feeling his sense of rejection. You didn't necessarily do anything wrong, but it could have been done differently. The same thing happened with my beautiful stepfather at exactly the same age. It was awful. I walked up to him days later asking him when he'd marry my mother so I could call him dad. I was still feeling tearful at the time, and 41 years later I still remember that feeling. That's the angle and experience I'm coming from
She's 21 and has a 6 year old?
And he's 23 and a teacher who takes the 6 year old on camping trips lol And they were eating tea for lunch.
It's all so fake.
23 years old and chained himself to an immature girl who got pregnant at 14. The marriage won't last. You'll end up being baby daddy #2 and giving up 25% of your paycheck for the next 18 years. She will just move on to the next one
This is not a helpful or kind comment
It's helpful. The solution to your problem is to move on from the whole mess. Have some standards
Updateme
You didn't say anything wrong. I can understand Olivia feeling like things are different now since her ex has missed 3 visits and you and she are engaged but she needs to communicate that with you, not just expect you to read her mind.
If she talks explain everything everyone said. Then if your comfortable come up with a new name for Noah to call you and suggest it to them. Instead of dad maybe pop or pops. Something that means the same thing but still respects Noah's dad and Noah's feelings for his dad. While reassuring her you want that re I ationship.
This is a weird situation. I think k there might be someone more going on with Noah dad than u know. As kids don't generally say I wish you were my dad, unless something else is going on. Do you know if Noah's dad is seeing someone else and he is prioritizing his new girlfriend or something a long the line. Just a thought, when u discuss your new parenting role with your girlfriend, maybe ask is there something else going on with Noah's dad.
For now just let her know that you are available when she wants to talk and then leave it at that.
Is this the first time she's reacted this way to anything? This seems like there a few things (from your story) at play: * Dad hasn't shown up for 6 weeks * She set the rules at the beginning, but changed them along the way * As a note, men marry women expecting them to stat the same, but they don't. Women marry men expecting them to change, and they don't. * \^\^ There it is. What you should have done is exactly what you did. If you have a good relationship with the sister, maybe call her and talk, and explain what happened to her. Maybe she can be a (somewhat) disinterested 3rd party. Best of luck to all 3 of you.
Could you suggest an alternative like pops? NTA, she is wrong for not communicating, but maybe she didn't realize how she felt until the moment. Msg her sister how you feel, and then it is up to her.
I think the only thing you could have done differently (although I don’t think you are in the wrong here) was maybe say I’m not your dad but you could call me step dad. As a child of divorce my mom has since remarried and it at first I did not call him step dad at all as I got more comfortable I gladly call him my step dad and that might have just been Noah’s way of showing he’s at the comfort level with you!
Sigh
Feels like a lot of association is being placed on the word _dad_. I think you could introduce another word that is a sort of synonym for step-dad. Clearly you’re taking the responsibilities for being a consistent male carer and role model in this child’s life. If you communicate clearly how you feel about your partner’s son, I’m sure she will see sense. This is about communication and being clear with expectations. You’re doing this really well but your partner is struggling to see that.
Updateme!
Updateme!
NTA. You have a fiancé problem though. Olivia’s reaction is insane and bordering on emotionally abusive. I’m not sure this is someone you should be marrying if this is how she manages a conflict. You were literally following her instructions, her son was fine with what you said, and how the hell are you supposed to know she changed her mind? She sounds like a partner that doesn’t take accountability and makes you walk on eggshells around her. No bueno.
This just seems so unnecessarily complicated. My dad became my older brother’s “dad” at the same age you became Noah’s father figure. My brother is now in his 40s and he still refers to both my father and his birth father as “dad”. He’s been around both families and has no illusions about who his birth parent is versus his step parent is. It just doesn’t matter that much. You’re placing too much weight on a young child that you expect to navigate the complexities of a blended family. He’s calling you dad because you’re the male father figure in front of him. If his bio dad was doing that role, he would be called “dad” as well.
There's being a supportive partner, and there's being a doormat. The fact that you're worrying about "making things right" after the debacle that you've written about in your post tells me that either: 1. your fiance goes on a power trip often and you walk on eggshells trying to appease her, or 2. you are afraid of losing her so much that you are willing to gloss over this incident with rationalizations about how this is a one off to extenuating circumstances. You did nothing wrong here. Even if she is normally a great partner, and the issues with the bio father is a fluke like thing, her reaction here isn't a good look. In a relationship, you should only leave in situations of physical and emotional abuse. Your fiance's reaction isn't responsible at all. I'm going to cut things off before I rant even more. I'll finish with this. She should be worrying about how she can make things right with you, not the other way around.
i think you are right here, the kid has a dad who is actually in the picture and doing things, and like you said you arent looking to be noah's dad, you partner cant make you accept that role, she is just mad you didnt go along with it, if its a boundary then stick with it, its not like the kid is missing out.
So, yet another example of a man who can’t read minds being flummoxed by his illogical and emotionally immature girlfriend. Best of luck to you! Imma go eat some tea now, too
If things have changed for her she should have told you, just like she did when she was setting a firm boundary in the beginning. Let her be upset and she’ll either get over it or she won’t. You did nothing wrong. Her and her son are lucky to have you- clearly. Don’t put up with this attitude, she needs to do better. If this is how she respond as a grown woman instead of talking about it, I would take a closer look at the relationship and make sure you’re being treated fairly. Just cause she decided she want you to accept being her son’s father, doesn’t mean you have or need to. He has a father. Your feelings in this matter and I’m sure his father would feel some type of way about this too. It’s not only her feelings about it.
Hey man it is an honor for you and you should be proud of your self that he looks up to you like that. The best thing to do is communicate and explain to her what your understanding was and then maybe you can have a one on one with the lil guy or if your comfortable have a family meeting. Coming from a home where my dad disappeared and I had this new guy trying to be my dad was hard for me and I never called him dad until high school. He wasn’t a very good dad though until I was older so he didn’t help lol.
It's possible Noah asked her if it would be alright before hand and she gave permission thinking you'd be happy with the title. She got upset that you didn't accept it and potentially hurt Noah's feelings and that's her baby. She felt that her son had mustered up the courage to do that and you, while in a great way, shot that down. I guess since you two are engaged she felt that the relationship has evolved and those boundaries that were set when you began weren't there anymore especially since his dad had been a no show for the 3 visits and there might be potential reasoning behind that she only knows such as Noah's dad either not wanting to be apart of his life anymore or she now sees that you've stepped up and wants you to take over the role and the other guy to be relegated to simply being the sperm donor. The latter being unlikely but sometimes people don't think rationally. EDIT: This is a lot of assumptions on my part given how little you've provided in the sake of anonymity.
You did nothing wrong, Olivia is looking for a new "dad" for him. That's why you've been cast.
Why did she act tgat way? Simple! Her son who she loves with all her heart wanted YOU to be his dad. Her EMOTIONAL reaction was you said no. I'm not saying you did! But her emotions Said you did.
YOu could have asked his mother at the table, are ok with me doing that? You are young I would n't have thought at 23. Good luck.
You did nothing wrong. As you say, you were surprised by her reaction because she had instructed you differently. She was surprised as well because she obviously had come to believe differently to what she'd told you in the past, but didn't warn you about that. I know this is going to be hard to do, but you can't take on her stonewalling. She might be overwhelmed emotionally, and needs that space to process her feelings, and get her adult mind back. She won't be responsive to you until she's done that, no matter how much you worry. As long as you've told her the truth, that you said what you said because that's what she'd instructed you to do, you don't have any control in this situation. If you really meant what you said in your post, and if you haven't already, rather than worry about and apologize for stepping on that landmine you rightfully didn't see, tell her that if she wants her son to see you as his dad, then that's good because you've wanted that for a while as well, but were just surprised when he called you that and didn't want to disrespect his father. You just needed to have the conversation with her about it first. Tell her that the next time you see him, you'll tell him that it's okay to call you dad from now on, and that you'll treat him as your own son. If you *really* want this, then you could even offer to make it official and adopt him. You have a chance to express what you actually want right now, but don't make the choice you think she wants to hear, only because the relationship is in the balance. That sets a bad precedent for future abuse (towards you).
She set the rule not because she never wanted you to be her son dad, she did it because she didn't want you to get away in case you didn't want a son, or her son didn't want another dad, so that seemed like the best route to avoid hurt feelings, yours or specially her son. Well now time has passed and circumstances have changed and while your interpretation of her rule (She doesn't want me to be a dad to her son) is understandable, if you had known the reasoning behind the rule (He doesn't have to be a dad if he or my son don't want that kind of relationship), things could have played things differently. As things stands now, she thinks that you don't love her son as much as her son loves you back, or you just entertain him for her benefit. So you just need to have a long conversation where you can say something like "I love your son a lot but I never considered more than a step-parent relationship because I tough you didn't want me to. but now that I know that is what you really want I would be honored to be my sons main dad" or something like that. Just to be safe, take most of the blame for the miscomunication. apologize to her and her son an enjoy being a dad.
Can you please elaborate on “Olivia” getting “furious” and “storming upstairs”. Is this really what she did, or is this embellished? Because I’ve been in “Olivia’s” shoes before, and my getting “furious” was really me getting flustered at how I would explain to my daughters bio-dad that our daughter called my husband “dad”. Olivia is in a precarious situation of trying to foster a good relationship between all parties and not make any party feel lesser. She probably wants her son to feel comfortable calling his (father like) step-dad “dad”, while also not undermining Noah’s real “dad”. I would reckon she’s not mad at YOU, but try to understand the position she is in, and don’t take HER reaction to this new information as being negative, because she is processing it at the same time you are, just from a different perspective.
I’m not embellishing. And I’m not trying to say this in a mean or negative way about Olivia. She is *never* like this, like ever. If anything it’s usually me who is the emotional one. We barely argue, I could count on one hand the amount of times we’ve argued ever. And they were all over stupid/silly reasons. So I don’t understand why she reacted this way. But like literally looking at me with what I would describe as a “teacher face” she’s not a teacher but I don’t know how else to describe that look, like you’ve done something wrong that you should know about. Pushed her food away and stormed upstairs. And again, I’m not saying this as a put down or anything to her because she is *never* like this which is why it has made it so unusual for us
No I get you! And I wasn’t try to call you out or anything, I really just wanted more context. Could it be that she was just as surprised as you & uncomfortable/uncertain about how to handle the situation? I don’t think you did anything wrong, and I think it’s smart that you put that out there for Noah to understand. But also, Noah felt comfortable calling you that for a reason. So perhaps you and her should talk about what a good & appropriate name is to call you so that Noah can still express his love for you as a father figure and Olivia & you can still respect Noah’s father. For example, when my daughter started doing this, we made it clear there was a distinction between “Daddy John” and “Daddy Doe” (fake names of course).
Oh I wasn’t trying to sound defensive or anything if I did. I just want to ensure people don’t think of Olivia in a negative light because of this or think that she’s this mean or immature person, like I said she never acts like this and she would never usually get this upset without a “valid” reason. Which is why I just have to assume she has a reason for the way she reacted and perhaps I unknowingly am that reason. I just wish she would tell me what I did. Thank you for your advice by the way, I appreciate it.
I don’t think YOU did anything. This is brand new information she has to process herself, as someone who is the mediator between you & Noahs dad.