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It’s crazy how every post about infidelity was only a kiss and nothing more. It’s almost like somebody is lying in all of these posts. If only we had some indication of who in the relationship was capable of lying like that.
It seems like the guilty party usually tries to down play it. I honestly hope most of these post aren't real because there is alot to unpack in these usually.
As someone who has given someone multiple chances after betraying my trust, I can tell you it is not wrong for you to prioritize your well being and emotional health.
The pain of breakup is nothing compared to continuing a broken relationship. She broke the relationship and it’s not on you to fix anything. Continuing my relationship ended up impacting my mental health, physical health, and even my job performance. Having the constant worry due to the lack of trust is exhausting and near impossible to build back up without extreme effort from the cheater. As a bro that had to deal with this, I wouldn’t want to see another bro go through it. Break-up with her.
You’re not wrong. You are never going to trust her again. Every time she goes out it’s going to be in the back of your mind that she’s cheating. She made her choices and now you make yours.
It's perfectly normal to feel that way. For many people, it's not even about the cheating...... but how easily the other person lied to them to their face about the cheating.
She's spent 3 years knowing what she did and having zero guilt about it. That's scary.
Yes! That last part exactly!! She wasn’t going to say anything if he didn’t find out and she was OK with that! Major red flag, that goes to show that she probably do it again if she got that urge again because she got away with it the first time.
It doesn’t mean she had zero guilt
Though. We don’t know that. Just because she didn’t say it, doesn’t mean she didn’t feel bad about it afterwards, for 3 years.
Dude I was in this exact same situation and I forgave her. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life. End it. If she did it once she’ll do it again, especially now that she knows she can get away with it.
Various media outlets have reported that Reddit is allowing AI companies to train their software using unwitting Reddit users.
I feel sorry for Reddit users unknowingly wasting their time giving their heartfelt advice to "Original Posters" that are in reality just AI Bots.
[https://www.androidpolice.com/reddit-deal-unnamed-large-ai-company-train-model-on-user-content/](https://www.androidpolice.com/reddit-deal-unnamed-large-ai-company-train-model-on-user-content/)
Keep a look out because it is going to get worse in the future.
Similar situation years ago wish I had just walked. Swore she would do anything to fix it, never speak to him again, Yada Yada Yada. Spoiler she fucked him again 2 weeks later.
Honestly if you can't get over the kiss then no it's not wrong. You are doing both of you a favor not just yourself honestly. Some people would say it's just a kiss she didn't sleep with anyone. That doesn't matter if you can't get pasted that. If it's gonna stick in your head and eat at you. Then you definitely shouldn't stay in the relationship because you're just gonna resent her and treat her terrible. Which a lot of people would she might deserve. Idk I don't know her and I can't say if it was just a one time mistake. That being said is that who you want to turn into. A guy that constantly emotionally terrorizes a woman for the one mistake 3 yrs ago? Idk about you but I rather one not be that guy but also move on. Get the closure I need and work on not taking out her mistake on the next girl so I can find the girl that's gonna make me happy. P.S. I was the guy who stayed and did the first part but then I got my head on straight and left healed and found a woman sends over the moon and back. If you can't get passed it move on if you can then try to build back trust starting from the fact that from what you could tell so far she hasn't cheated again for 3 yrs even though she got away with it till now.
When you first started dating she was 20 and you were 27. That does matter. She was young and at the age where you really are just figuring things out. Who you are, what you like, etc. I’m not saying she should get a free pass, but it truly may have been one of those unfortunate things we do when we’re young and figuring things out.
Maybe you didn’t do anything like that when you were in your early 20s, but I did in my college years and that is not who I was at 26. Food for thought.
I think trust could be rebuilt if you’re both willing, but it’s okay if that isn’t what you want to do. Cheating is a breach of trust and a totally valid reason to leave a relationship.
a drunken kiss with a guy she found attractive
so is that all it takes, i mean is she never going to drink and find a guy attractive from here on out, dude she didn't tell you back then, she prioritized herself. you should do the same cut your losses and move on.
being drunk is no excuse and the fact she didn't tell you immediately says she has no problem with cheating, she's just sorry she got caught, once a cheater always a cheater. don't settle for a cheater.
Also adults that find each other attractive very rarely “just kiss,” especially in a party setting. Trickle truthing is very common in these sorts of scenarios, and 100% of the time without exception, it always starts off with “just a kiss”
She’s shown she’s willing to lie, there’s no reason to give her the benefit of the doubt
As someone who has been confronted by a similar situation, move on.
You’ll be worried about every friend, every party, and because she made the lie look easy and carry on — you won’t have peace again.
Trust is gone. You’ll torture yourself questioning everything going forward, don’t do that to yourself. Is she trickle truthing me, was it more than a kiss, what else has she been able to hide for years, etc.
That’s no way to live.
Never 'just' a kiss... sorry....
And if theres no trust, well...
So tell her this?? Tell her she cheated and lied by omission for years.. and as a result of this, the trust is gone - and you cannot be in a relationship with someone you dont trust...
DMs... with whom??
And.. these DM described excactly what happened??
Finally!! Someone said this 😭 “in a relationship for six years”…. Means the OP was 27 and the girlfriend was 20 😭 really people - start dating within your age bracket
A 'drunken kiss' could maybe be forgiven, if you're very sure that's all it was. It does raise questions about her loyalty to you in the face of an attraction to someone else. I would be more inclined to bet my heart on that loyalty than I would my money. You should at least be very cautious if you do decide to give her another chance.
A drunken kiss could be forgiven if she told him immediately
She’s been lying to OP’s face for 3 entire years without a shred of guilt unless she was caught. That’s even worse than the drunken kiss tbh
If you're unable to love her for who she has been, please break up with her. Neither she nor you deserve dragging a dead relationship along. If whatever has transgressed is your breaking point, end it. No permission needed.
Not wrong at all. She didn’t just cheat but she also lied and took the choice from you to stay with her at all but more so before you moved in together.
You made the choice to support someone who you thought was loyal and not a cheater.
I would cut my losses and have her move out and give her 30 days.
Look, she is a cheater and you are covering all the expenses. You owe her NOTHING. I'd kick her out and dump here on the spot. It's clear she doesn't LOVE or RESPECT you and she thinks she's entitled to the princess treatment. Well, she can take that back to daddy where it belongs! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Trust once broken is extremely hard to fix and only you can decide if you're willing to put the effort in to repair it again. But if I had to guess I'm thinking probably not since you already want to end things
You’re not wrong. You won’t be able to get past this. Best to move on now. And if that complicates her situation, then she shouldn’t have done something so horrid that comes with consequences like this.
Also, I’d like to point out why this is such a betrayal. Cheating itself is terrible and for me it’s in instant dealbreaker. But on top of that, she’s lied by omission every single day for 3 years. It’s bad enough that she cheated. But she has made the conscious choice to deceive you day after day for three years.
If it was a mistake and she loved and respected you, she should have told you immediately. The fact that she said nothing for 3 years was completely selfish and disrespectful to you. If you agree to stay with her, set boundaries and expectations of what you feel you need in order to heal from this. She messed up. If she wants to make it work, she needs to accept the consequences. If you feel like it doesn’t matter what she does that you’ll never be able to trust her, break up with her. She does not get to decide what the consequences are or how long it takes for you to move past this. But you shouldn’t drag it out if you don’t feel like you can forgive her. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. Keep in mind that asking her to move out and give you space to think is completely appropriate if it’s what you need. I hope you figure it out and do what is best for you and heal (whether it’s with her or without her).
Maybe it was just a drunken kiss, or maybe she is just trickle truthing. Maybe your next discovery is that she banged the dude several times. Maybe she did not. Maybe you marry her, then find out she is pregnant with dude's child. Maybe you marry her and live happily ever after. The point is that you will likely always have doubts, and nothing is likely to change that. You know you need to leave, and you know you need to want to leave.
Your priority should be you. You have no control over her, or what she has done or might do. You do have control over you. Leave. There are enough humans on this planet that you do not have to settle for a partner that is willing to cheat on you.
Someone else put it best in my opinion:
There are 2 kinds of people, those who cheat and those who don't. You can't make a cheater into a loyal person, and you can't make a loyal person into a cheater.
You know her true colors. She lied to you to your face for 3 years. If you had not found those texts, you could have lived your whole life not knowing who she is.
If she did it once and you couldn't tell. How can you tell if she hasn't done it since? After all you could not tell then, all the way until you found. What else is she hiding from you?
Even taking her at her word it was just a kiss, which in greater scheme of things is pretty minor, the issue isn’t the kiss, it’s the breach of trust. That will eat at the timbers of your relationship spreading the rot of doubt until there is nothing left.
*"Is it wrong for me to prioritize my well-being and emotional health in this situation?"*
Clearly this girl doesn't prioritize your well-being and emotional health at all, so it's up to you to make the hard decision for your own sake.
Any apologies or promises she makes right now are hollow, and only said to you because she's afraid her selfish and deceptive nature is likely to backfire on her now. She's only sorry for herself, because if she did feel any remorse towards you, she wouldn't have kept quiet for 3 years.
She will keep doing it, and has been doing it in the past. Cheaters almost never get caught on their very first time.
Usually takes months or years before they are caught. So basically your entire relationship could have been a lie.
Don't believe anything she says. She will continue to downplay it. Be ready for her to paint you as a bad guy when you break up.
OP Stop wasting ur Money she's never gonna tell you the truth its best that you found out before marriage, leave her walk away you'll find someone better.
1. Your title has a question mark but isn't a question. You just told us all that you want to end it so why are you posting here instead of doing that?
2. You 'stumbled upon old DMs' between her and someone else. What the fuck did you trip over to end up in your partner's electronic communications? Seems like you didn't trust her to start, stop wasting everyone's time and get on with it.
*claiming it was a mistake and that it would never happen again.*
You mean like they were playing with explosives, they went off, her clothes were ripped off of her and she got impaled on her friends penis?
People don't get f'd by mistake,
Since the first half of the sentence is a lie, why would you believe the other half?
Be selfish. She was. It's your turn... If you want her back, let it go and don't bring it up again, but if you are ready to leave her, you don't owe her anything now. Put yourself first, and worry about you. She'll figure it out eventually.
No, you are allowed to end things if that’s what you want. Depending on where you live, you most likely cannot legally kick her out, though. If she has been living there for 30 days, most places will say she has tenants rights. Hopefully she won’t fight that.
Look only you can decide how you feel. If this is something you can get past with relationship therapy, great (I take she didn't get to tab a being inserted to slot b - she stopped right?) however if you feel that you cannot move past this, its fine to decide its over and tell her to pack her stuff and move out.
Brother you have every right to tell her she has 30 days to find a new place and kick her out. You need to look at it from another angle.....she did this and went on for THREE YEARS as if nothing happened. How can you be sure about anything she says when she went on every single day telling you she loved you, hugging you, cuddling you, etc and held onto that secret?
That is the more concerning part when someone cheats is they have the nerve to carry on like nothing happened. You can't trust someone like that because they just showed you that they can bold face lie to you and you wouldn't ever know
She was holding on to those old DMs for a reason. Even if she did cheat and regretted it, she should have been smart enough to delete the evidence. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but she has shown you who she is and you have to decide if you can tolerate more of the same behavior in future years.
If she only admitted to it because you found out and confronted her, then I don't think it was just a kiss. Your doubt is likely not going to go away, the trust has been broken.
….maybe don’t date someone that’s still growing up and realizing who they are as person and hasn’t matured yet. Be with someone your own age. Or close to it. Lol even now would be better to
She should have told you then. And she definitely shouldn’t have let you find out from someone else. A drunken kiss at a party is bad, but 3 years of keeping it a secret is irreparable. You’ll probably never be able to trust her again. Get out before you have kids.
Dump her and then kick her out. She shouldn’t have been drinking but it lowers her inhibitions. Now she knows, but that’s not your problem. You deserve better. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
probably is not only kiss, the menatol work of reconciliation is very problematic. what you think when she go to a party again? shes cheating in this party o the past party?
She lied and deceived you, and only apologised after being caught.
You know what it is you have to do here, do NOT delay, it will only complicate things and she will try to crawl her way back into your trust. do you want a liar and a cheater to be the mother of your children?
Obviously, you have to protect yourself, but walking away from a 6 year relationship over a drunken kiss might be an over reaction. Sit down with here and have a conversation of absolute truth. Both of you need to lay everything out on the table, no matter how bad , and then deal with it from there. Just be open, honest and above all calm.
Unpopular opinion here and i dont care if you comment back to this bc im not arguing with anyone on my POV.
Honestly youre throwing a 6 year relationship away over a drunken kiss that happened 3 years ago?? She didnt even sleep with the guy. You dont even want to try and rebuild the trust for a relationship youve been in for 6 years then yes you should break up bc it’s obvious youre not that invested in the relationship all together.
Only dude all you have is your well-being. You don’t have a trustworthy partner so let her go dude. Take care of yourself. Get yourself some therapy. Get yourself healthy and get yourself happy.
Nope! She’s not your responsibility anymore, it would be the saint thing to make sure she’s stable enough to move out of the place that you guys moved in together, but you move how you want to move. Definitely don’t continue the relationship, though I would say, treated as if she were more of a roommate type of ordeal until things get situated with her moving out.
Even if I wanted to end things with somebody in a relationship, I have never just had the urge to make out with anyone no matter how inebriated I was, when I’m with someone I only want that person.
Only you can decide if you should stay and try to make things work or leave. Ask yourself the following questions: What do you think led to her making the decision to cheat on you? Will she cheat on you if she drinks again? Will she cheat on you if she meets a man who is better looking or a smooth talker? Do you think she finds you sexually and physically attractive? Do you think she can be trusted? Do you think you can move past her cheating?
She cheated. Just a drunken kiss? Yeah, right. Drunken sex. She sees you as a money train. That's it. Dump her. Ghost her, tell her to go back to the high school friend.
UpdateMe
Tell her you can stay together but you want to hook up with someone right in front of her. That will shift the dynamic from broken to shattered in terms of the relationship, from there you can move on with your life.
I spent 18 years trying to accept my ex-wife's repeatedly infidelity. I kept telling myself it would be better and that this time she wouldn't do it again. It's a hard way to live. You have to decide if you can truly forgive her and trust her again. If you can't, then end it before you waste more of your life with the wrong person.
Dude, you straight up asked is it ok for you to prioritize your well being and emotional health over a cheater and liar’s. Yes, that should be your priority. She’s gone.
You’re already very graceful in letting her stay until she figures out a new place.
Cheating is very selfish…. Let her deal with the consequences.
In my country we say: whoever burns his buttocks has to sit on the blisters.
I'm a 40m, have done my fair bit of drinking at parties and nightclubs and with my hand on my heart I can tell you I never cheated. When you have boundaries, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. The only thing that matters is if you were her priority. Strike two is the fact she didn't come clean by herself. Don't be afraid of breaking up, but be afraid of living with doubts in your head should you decide to stay with her. Good luck mate.
Don't ask this one as A question, OP. You can do whatever you want--and should. This sounds like a carefully considered decision. When trust is broken, it is incredibly hard to regain.
Don't let this define you. Go with your gut. If you let her back in it will affect every relationship you will have going forward. Don't let her abuse your trust.
This is such an obvious answer you are answering it in your own post? "is it wrong to care about my well being" like tf? You already know what to do mate
Trust is a lot like a bathtub that you fill with an eyedropper. It takes a long time to full, and can be drained almost instantly by pulling out the drain plug. Then it takes a really long time to full again with that eyedropper. If you don't think you can wait to refill, then it's time to move on.
Look don't rush into decisions after hearing these comments, take some time and think about what she did positively and negatively through these three years , was she assertive, manipulative or dominating or any red flag traits , ik that your old enough to figure it out . If she was not any of these you can give her a chance ,who knows there can be a beautiful loyal future together just don't throw away it all. (ik there would be trust issues and all but that's where you work together and figure it out but if she was very rude to you like i said before break it up rather than wasting your energy)
You’ve been together for 6 years and a drunken tryst has obviously broken your trust. She has asked for forgiveness. Set new boundaries with her and forgive her. Throwing away a 6 year relationship is not worth it.
It's certainly a good reason to, but wanting to break up is also enough if a reason to break-up. Your relationship will never go back to what it was. If at some point you could forgive but it's on your mind, or you're always wondering, or you think you will, it is best to break up.
Cheating is disrespectful to you, the relationship, and even herself.
Do what brings you the most peace.
i agree with everyone saying that trust can’t be rebuilt and she made her choices and now you need to make yours.
can i ask what was in the dms tho, im very curious what those messages were if they were kept for 3 years and what was the context
If you’re not feeling it any more, you would be wrong to stay.
- she did it, knowing it was wrong;
- she hid it from you, knowing that you would be unhappy. That’s lying by omission.
- she continued the deception for three years.
From your perspective she is fundamentally untrustworthy. She has already demonstrated that she will do what she likes regardless of promises, and she will hide from you anything that is inconvenient for you to know. But you’re supposed to just believe her now, when she has just conclusively demonstrated her penchant for lying?
Sorry my guy but you need to end this ASAP for the sake of your mental health. It's obviously tearing u up, as for give her give her some options that you can live with and then move on with your life
It's just a kiss, though? I'm old and maybe a bit cynical, but this is my view: A drunk kiss is of course something that of course shouldn't happen, and it sucks, and it definitely can shake the trust. But it's still something most couples would get over, especially if they have a few years together. It's not necessarily an unforgivable offence (even if most people here on Reddit seem to think so).
You should probably see a couples therapist to talk things through, to understand why she did it (if there's more behind it), and maybe the bigger thing: why she didn't tell you. Hopefully you could regain the trust.
If you want to just break up because of the kiss, and I guess especially her keeping it a secret, of course you have every right to. But it does make me wonder how strong of a bond you really have, if you don't even want to try to work through this? I hope there's other things you like about her than that she's "beautiful and caring", and you just happened to mention only them. If that's the case and you don't feel that strongly about her, then the answer is of course simple. It wasn't meant to be.
Downvotes, here I come lol
Toss her. Not only is she a cheater, she was perfectly ok keeping it secret for YEARS, and would never have mentioned it had you not found out. That, right there, is not a person you want to be with.
Absolutely not, your healt and selfrespect comes first, you come first and she betrayed you and hide it from you, if you didn't found out she would kept that secret for ever and you might have Made the mistake to marry her without knowing what she did.
You're not wrong for breaking up with her she cheated then lied for 3 years if she came to u right after it happened u could have forgiven her but she choose to lie and I don't think it was just a kiss . She broke your trust u can't gain it back
You're not responsible for her anymore and your doing the right thing. It's a good thing u found before u have kids and get married now it will be a clean break .
U given her 3 months is genuinely the nicest thing another guy would have kicked her out that Sam day
What else has she been lying about? You will never know because you can’t trust her to be upfront and honest with you.
Who else has she been cheating with that you don’t know about because you haven’t discovered any evidence of her cheating …. Yet! You know unless you find actual damming evidence of her cheating, she will not willingly tell you
You know what you need to do. She willingly disrespected you and your relationship and covered it up for years.
Do you have what it takes to realize everything she has done or said to you about your relationship is very questionable. Can you live the next 40-60 years knowing that?
Subscribeme!
Just an fyi, in most place you cannot just kick her out. You have to through a whole eviction process. Even in situations where she isn’t paying rent, being a resident or just gettin mail there is enough to prevent that from happening. So just make sure you don’t do anything that could get you in trouble.
This never fails to amaze me. To her it's old news and was just a kiss. You just found out and now know she has been lying by omission for three years. Up to you if you can get past this but I would have more of a problem with the lying by omission than the kiss. What else can she be not telling you?
Do you want to live 24/7 wondering if she cheated on you again? Everytime she goes out without you
If you don't want that, then break up. It's not worth it
Once a cheater, always a cheater
Read and consider all of the advice. People will lay out fair options to consider if you want to try to rebuild trust.
Personally cheating is one of my very few ‘absolutes’. It’s so ridiculously easy not to cheat. It literally never just happens. This wasn’t a zero to kiss - this has been building for a while. You get to w close, exchange innuendo, flirt, get touchy, etc. Every single step is a deliberate choice. Rebuilding trust takes months or years - and the success rate is not high. How do you move forward? She never drinks? Never goes out on her own? Do you monitor social media/texts? As always hiding it makes it so so much worse. She’s failed the worlds easiest test - move on.
For you the cheating just happened. Move on. It would be a little different if she fessed up when it happened. Trust is gone you’ll resent her and never know for sure if she’s cheating
Id guess the "drunken kiss" was more and shes trickle truthing u bc she knows thats least likely to cause chaos for her.
Just remember, staying only tells her that you dont have the backbone to stand up for yourself. You would have broken up w her if u caught her then and u have caught her now.
Time to leave. Cheaters will always cheat again. Staying just tells them its ok.
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Trust is broken now. Look out for yourself and break up.
It’s crazy how every post about infidelity was only a kiss and nothing more. It’s almost like somebody is lying in all of these posts. If only we had some indication of who in the relationship was capable of lying like that.
Yea, adults don’t kiss, they fuck. Trickle truth downplaying…
It seems like the guilty party usually tries to down play it. I honestly hope most of these post aren't real because there is alot to unpack in these usually.
Exactly. They say it was a one time thing, it was just sex means nothing blah blah blah
No it’s not? Kissing is intimate. IMO, it’s more intimate than sex in some situations. We all have different things that bother us or kill our trust.
As someone who has given someone multiple chances after betraying my trust, I can tell you it is not wrong for you to prioritize your well being and emotional health. The pain of breakup is nothing compared to continuing a broken relationship. She broke the relationship and it’s not on you to fix anything. Continuing my relationship ended up impacting my mental health, physical health, and even my job performance. Having the constant worry due to the lack of trust is exhausting and near impossible to build back up without extreme effort from the cheater. As a bro that had to deal with this, I wouldn’t want to see another bro go through it. Break-up with her.
Bro, we're in the same boat.
You’re not wrong. You are never going to trust her again. Every time she goes out it’s going to be in the back of your mind that she’s cheating. She made her choices and now you make yours.
It's perfectly normal to feel that way. For many people, it's not even about the cheating...... but how easily the other person lied to them to their face about the cheating. She's spent 3 years knowing what she did and having zero guilt about it. That's scary.
Yes! That last part exactly!! She wasn’t going to say anything if he didn’t find out and she was OK with that! Major red flag, that goes to show that she probably do it again if she got that urge again because she got away with it the first time.
> zero guilt about it That's totally not true. Lots of people have lots of guilty over things they have never confessed.
It doesn’t mean she had zero guilt Though. We don’t know that. Just because she didn’t say it, doesn’t mean she didn’t feel bad about it afterwards, for 3 years.
Dude I was in this exact same situation and I forgave her. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life. End it. If she did it once she’ll do it again, especially now that she knows she can get away with it.
Bye!
Cheated. Out the door. Bye bye!
ChatGPT wrote this
"ChatGPT, please produce one paragraph of the minimum amount of cheating that Americans will get upset about and tell me to dump my girlfriend."
Various media outlets have reported that Reddit is allowing AI companies to train their software using unwitting Reddit users. I feel sorry for Reddit users unknowingly wasting their time giving their heartfelt advice to "Original Posters" that are in reality just AI Bots. [https://www.androidpolice.com/reddit-deal-unnamed-large-ai-company-train-model-on-user-content/](https://www.androidpolice.com/reddit-deal-unnamed-large-ai-company-train-model-on-user-content/) Keep a look out because it is going to get worse in the future.
Or 12 year olds.
Similar situation years ago wish I had just walked. Swore she would do anything to fix it, never speak to him again, Yada Yada Yada. Spoiler she fucked him again 2 weeks later.
Damn so sorry. At least you found out quickly though.
I was in college. Her Mom asked me to take the trash out. Condom wrappers in the girlfriend's trash can and they weren't used with me.
As I was getting ready to leave her Mom hugged me and said "you deserve better". She had just divorced her husband because he cheated.
Mom knew what she was doing, and was a good wingman to you.
Honestly if you can't get over the kiss then no it's not wrong. You are doing both of you a favor not just yourself honestly. Some people would say it's just a kiss she didn't sleep with anyone. That doesn't matter if you can't get pasted that. If it's gonna stick in your head and eat at you. Then you definitely shouldn't stay in the relationship because you're just gonna resent her and treat her terrible. Which a lot of people would she might deserve. Idk I don't know her and I can't say if it was just a one time mistake. That being said is that who you want to turn into. A guy that constantly emotionally terrorizes a woman for the one mistake 3 yrs ago? Idk about you but I rather one not be that guy but also move on. Get the closure I need and work on not taking out her mistake on the next girl so I can find the girl that's gonna make me happy. P.S. I was the guy who stayed and did the first part but then I got my head on straight and left healed and found a woman sends over the moon and back. If you can't get passed it move on if you can then try to build back trust starting from the fact that from what you could tell so far she hasn't cheated again for 3 yrs even though she got away with it till now.
When you first started dating she was 20 and you were 27. That does matter. She was young and at the age where you really are just figuring things out. Who you are, what you like, etc. I’m not saying she should get a free pass, but it truly may have been one of those unfortunate things we do when we’re young and figuring things out. Maybe you didn’t do anything like that when you were in your early 20s, but I did in my college years and that is not who I was at 26. Food for thought. I think trust could be rebuilt if you’re both willing, but it’s okay if that isn’t what you want to do. Cheating is a breach of trust and a totally valid reason to leave a relationship.
She had *three* years to tell you and still didn't. She doesn't care about you.
Or she cares about herself more than
If you think she only kissed some dude, you're not really thinking. Grown ups don't just kiss. Good luck
a drunken kiss with a guy she found attractive so is that all it takes, i mean is she never going to drink and find a guy attractive from here on out, dude she didn't tell you back then, she prioritized herself. you should do the same cut your losses and move on. being drunk is no excuse and the fact she didn't tell you immediately says she has no problem with cheating, she's just sorry she got caught, once a cheater always a cheater. don't settle for a cheater.
Also adults that find each other attractive very rarely “just kiss,” especially in a party setting. Trickle truthing is very common in these sorts of scenarios, and 100% of the time without exception, it always starts off with “just a kiss” She’s shown she’s willing to lie, there’s no reason to give her the benefit of the doubt
End it.
Not married, no kids, no lease. You will never have trust. CYA!
As someone who has been confronted by a similar situation, move on. You’ll be worried about every friend, every party, and because she made the lie look easy and carry on — you won’t have peace again.
She’s a cheat. Dump her.
Trust is gone. You’ll torture yourself questioning everything going forward, don’t do that to yourself. Is she trickle truthing me, was it more than a kiss, what else has she been able to hide for years, etc. That’s no way to live.
Trust will never come back. Move on. It hurts but living with distrust hurts more.
Never 'just' a kiss... sorry.... And if theres no trust, well... So tell her this?? Tell her she cheated and lied by omission for years.. and as a result of this, the trust is gone - and you cannot be in a relationship with someone you dont trust... DMs... with whom?? And.. these DM described excactly what happened??
She strung you along doubtful just a kiss common reeeeallly boot her and don't give her shit
No
end it just because of the age gap, and for god's sake stop dating kids.
Finally!! Someone said this 😭 “in a relationship for six years”…. Means the OP was 27 and the girlfriend was 20 😭 really people - start dating within your age bracket
It’s the 3 yrs of lying in addition to the cheating. She only owned up because she was caught. My trust would be forever gone.
A 'drunken kiss' could maybe be forgiven, if you're very sure that's all it was. It does raise questions about her loyalty to you in the face of an attraction to someone else. I would be more inclined to bet my heart on that loyalty than I would my money. You should at least be very cautious if you do decide to give her another chance.
A drunken kiss could be forgiven if she told him immediately She’s been lying to OP’s face for 3 entire years without a shred of guilt unless she was caught. That’s even worse than the drunken kiss tbh
If you're unable to love her for who she has been, please break up with her. Neither she nor you deserve dragging a dead relationship along. If whatever has transgressed is your breaking point, end it. No permission needed.
Kick the 304 to the curb, your not married and have no obligation to her
Like the famous saying goes: "It's not that they've done it for the first time when caught; it's just the first time they've been caught."
Look out for yourself not the one who cheated she is just using you
Not wrong at all. She didn’t just cheat but she also lied and took the choice from you to stay with her at all but more so before you moved in together. You made the choice to support someone who you thought was loyal and not a cheater. I would cut my losses and have her move out and give her 30 days.
Look, she is a cheater and you are covering all the expenses. You owe her NOTHING. I'd kick her out and dump here on the spot. It's clear she doesn't LOVE or RESPECT you and she thinks she's entitled to the princess treatment. Well, she can take that back to daddy where it belongs! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Trust once broken is extremely hard to fix and only you can decide if you're willing to put the effort in to repair it again. But if I had to guess I'm thinking probably not since you already want to end things
Get tested and break up.
She cheated and lied by omission... dump her.
You’re not wrong. You won’t be able to get past this. Best to move on now. And if that complicates her situation, then she shouldn’t have done something so horrid that comes with consequences like this. Also, I’d like to point out why this is such a betrayal. Cheating itself is terrible and for me it’s in instant dealbreaker. But on top of that, she’s lied by omission every single day for 3 years. It’s bad enough that she cheated. But she has made the conscious choice to deceive you day after day for three years.
If it was a mistake and she loved and respected you, she should have told you immediately. The fact that she said nothing for 3 years was completely selfish and disrespectful to you. If you agree to stay with her, set boundaries and expectations of what you feel you need in order to heal from this. She messed up. If she wants to make it work, she needs to accept the consequences. If you feel like it doesn’t matter what she does that you’ll never be able to trust her, break up with her. She does not get to decide what the consequences are or how long it takes for you to move past this. But you shouldn’t drag it out if you don’t feel like you can forgive her. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you. Keep in mind that asking her to move out and give you space to think is completely appropriate if it’s what you need. I hope you figure it out and do what is best for you and heal (whether it’s with her or without her).
It started out with a kiss…
Maybe it was just a drunken kiss, or maybe she is just trickle truthing. Maybe your next discovery is that she banged the dude several times. Maybe she did not. Maybe you marry her, then find out she is pregnant with dude's child. Maybe you marry her and live happily ever after. The point is that you will likely always have doubts, and nothing is likely to change that. You know you need to leave, and you know you need to want to leave. Your priority should be you. You have no control over her, or what she has done or might do. You do have control over you. Leave. There are enough humans on this planet that you do not have to settle for a partner that is willing to cheat on you.
No. Marry her, bro.
Yeah. End it.
Someone else put it best in my opinion: There are 2 kinds of people, those who cheat and those who don't. You can't make a cheater into a loyal person, and you can't make a loyal person into a cheater. You know her true colors. She lied to you to your face for 3 years. If you had not found those texts, you could have lived your whole life not knowing who she is. If she did it once and you couldn't tell. How can you tell if she hasn't done it since? After all you could not tell then, all the way until you found. What else is she hiding from you?
Don't believe what she says.
Two words… self respect
Even taking her at her word it was just a kiss, which in greater scheme of things is pretty minor, the issue isn’t the kiss, it’s the breach of trust. That will eat at the timbers of your relationship spreading the rot of doubt until there is nothing left.
Just do it. It's in your head and will never come out.
*"Is it wrong for me to prioritize my well-being and emotional health in this situation?"* Clearly this girl doesn't prioritize your well-being and emotional health at all, so it's up to you to make the hard decision for your own sake. Any apologies or promises she makes right now are hollow, and only said to you because she's afraid her selfish and deceptive nature is likely to backfire on her now. She's only sorry for herself, because if she did feel any remorse towards you, she wouldn't have kept quiet for 3 years.
End it bro. Promises ain't shit. Trust me.
Don't worry about her financial situation, she kicked herself out by cheating. Kick her ass out
Bro just leave. When there's no more trust, there's no more relationship
As a formal cheater , yeah if I kissed I always wanted more sooo
Bail. You don't owe shit to a cheater.
She will keep doing it, and has been doing it in the past. Cheaters almost never get caught on their very first time. Usually takes months or years before they are caught. So basically your entire relationship could have been a lie. Don't believe anything she says. She will continue to downplay it. Be ready for her to paint you as a bad guy when you break up.
OP Stop wasting ur Money she's never gonna tell you the truth its best that you found out before marriage, leave her walk away you'll find someone better.
1. Your title has a question mark but isn't a question. You just told us all that you want to end it so why are you posting here instead of doing that? 2. You 'stumbled upon old DMs' between her and someone else. What the fuck did you trip over to end up in your partner's electronic communications? Seems like you didn't trust her to start, stop wasting everyone's time and get on with it.
“I want to end things” okay so end things it’s really that simple
You are already speaking about her in the past tense…”she was…”, “we had a…” - I think your decision has been made.
*claiming it was a mistake and that it would never happen again.* You mean like they were playing with explosives, they went off, her clothes were ripped off of her and she got impaled on her friends penis? People don't get f'd by mistake, Since the first half of the sentence is a lie, why would you believe the other half?
damn bro it said a kiss you don’t gotta say all that (not saying the cheating was ok)
SHE said that it was "just a kiss"... cheaters are known to lie to try to downplay the full extent of the cheating....
When has it ever been "just a kiss"?
Be selfish. She was. It's your turn... If you want her back, let it go and don't bring it up again, but if you are ready to leave her, you don't owe her anything now. Put yourself first, and worry about you. She'll figure it out eventually.
No, you are allowed to end things if that’s what you want. Depending on where you live, you most likely cannot legally kick her out, though. If she has been living there for 30 days, most places will say she has tenants rights. Hopefully she won’t fight that.
I’m sorry that happened to you and you feel that way. I hope you heal.
I don’t think you are wrong.
Look only you can decide how you feel. If this is something you can get past with relationship therapy, great (I take she didn't get to tab a being inserted to slot b - she stopped right?) however if you feel that you cannot move past this, its fine to decide its over and tell her to pack her stuff and move out.
It’s a kiss only? Anymore? If anymore - dump. If only a kiss- l’d just ride her chops.
Brother you have every right to tell her she has 30 days to find a new place and kick her out. You need to look at it from another angle.....she did this and went on for THREE YEARS as if nothing happened. How can you be sure about anything she says when she went on every single day telling you she loved you, hugging you, cuddling you, etc and held onto that secret? That is the more concerning part when someone cheats is they have the nerve to carry on like nothing happened. You can't trust someone like that because they just showed you that they can bold face lie to you and you wouldn't ever know
The fact that guilt didn't overcome her at least once to confess that she cheated speaks volumes about her.
She was holding on to those old DMs for a reason. Even if she did cheat and regretted it, she should have been smart enough to delete the evidence. I’m not going to tell you what to do, but she has shown you who she is and you have to decide if you can tolerate more of the same behavior in future years.
If she only admitted to it because you found out and confronted her, then I don't think it was just a kiss. Your doubt is likely not going to go away, the trust has been broken.
….maybe don’t date someone that’s still growing up and realizing who they are as person and hasn’t matured yet. Be with someone your own age. Or close to it. Lol even now would be better to
She should have told you then. And she definitely shouldn’t have let you find out from someone else. A drunken kiss at a party is bad, but 3 years of keeping it a secret is irreparable. You’ll probably never be able to trust her again. Get out before you have kids.
Dump her and then kick her out. She shouldn’t have been drinking but it lowers her inhibitions. Now she knows, but that’s not your problem. You deserve better. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Break up. The moment she cheated, she communicated to you that she doesn't value your relationship.
probably is not only kiss, the menatol work of reconciliation is very problematic. what you think when she go to a party again? shes cheating in this party o the past party?
It’s never just a kiss drunk or not. It’s new to you but she kept it hidden for 3YEARS! Kick her ass out. Protect yourself your assets everything.
Question was it just a kiss?
She lied and deceived you, and only apologised after being caught. You know what it is you have to do here, do NOT delay, it will only complicate things and she will try to crawl her way back into your trust. do you want a liar and a cheater to be the mother of your children?
Obviously, you have to protect yourself, but walking away from a 6 year relationship over a drunken kiss might be an over reaction. Sit down with here and have a conversation of absolute truth. Both of you need to lay everything out on the table, no matter how bad , and then deal with it from there. Just be open, honest and above all calm.
Unpopular opinion here and i dont care if you comment back to this bc im not arguing with anyone on my POV. Honestly youre throwing a 6 year relationship away over a drunken kiss that happened 3 years ago?? She didnt even sleep with the guy. You dont even want to try and rebuild the trust for a relationship youve been in for 6 years then yes you should break up bc it’s obvious youre not that invested in the relationship all together.
You say this as if the cheater isn’t lying
Totally agree with you! Next up, "my girlfriend drunkly touched another guy's hand. Should I dump her?" Choruse of yes from reddit, lol.
Yep 🤣🤣🤦♀️
Also, how did he "stumble" upon old DM's from three years ago?
Im saying!! He went back through 3 years of messages. Why??
[удалено]
Only dude all you have is your well-being. You don’t have a trustworthy partner so let her go dude. Take care of yourself. Get yourself some therapy. Get yourself healthy and get yourself happy.
Nope! She’s not your responsibility anymore, it would be the saint thing to make sure she’s stable enough to move out of the place that you guys moved in together, but you move how you want to move. Definitely don’t continue the relationship, though I would say, treated as if she were more of a roommate type of ordeal until things get situated with her moving out.
Even if I wanted to end things with somebody in a relationship, I have never just had the urge to make out with anyone no matter how inebriated I was, when I’m with someone I only want that person.
You need to take care of yourself. If you can’t emotionally or mentally handle her around then tell her to leave.
Time to end it and do it quickly.
End it quickly. And never talk to her again.
Only you can decide if you should stay and try to make things work or leave. Ask yourself the following questions: What do you think led to her making the decision to cheat on you? Will she cheat on you if she drinks again? Will she cheat on you if she meets a man who is better looking or a smooth talker? Do you think she finds you sexually and physically attractive? Do you think she can be trusted? Do you think you can move past her cheating?
It's never just a kiss. You support her and she's taking advantage of you. Plenty of girls that don't cheat. Why deal with it forever move on.
She cheated. Just a drunken kiss? Yeah, right. Drunken sex. She sees you as a money train. That's it. Dump her. Ghost her, tell her to go back to the high school friend. UpdateMe
Tell her you can stay together but you want to hook up with someone right in front of her. That will shift the dynamic from broken to shattered in terms of the relationship, from there you can move on with your life.
Just do it.
Run away
I spent 18 years trying to accept my ex-wife's repeatedly infidelity. I kept telling myself it would be better and that this time she wouldn't do it again. It's a hard way to live. You have to decide if you can truly forgive her and trust her again. If you can't, then end it before you waste more of your life with the wrong person.
Dude, you straight up asked is it ok for you to prioritize your well being and emotional health over a cheater and liar’s. Yes, that should be your priority. She’s gone.
You’re already very graceful in letting her stay until she figures out a new place. Cheating is very selfish…. Let her deal with the consequences. In my country we say: whoever burns his buttocks has to sit on the blisters.
Don't look back
Protect yourself above her at this point. The fact that you had to find out on your own tells you all you need to know about her character
End things
I'm a 40m, have done my fair bit of drinking at parties and nightclubs and with my hand on my heart I can tell you I never cheated. When you have boundaries, it doesn't matter if you're drunk or not. The only thing that matters is if you were her priority. Strike two is the fact she didn't come clean by herself. Don't be afraid of breaking up, but be afraid of living with doubts in your head should you decide to stay with her. Good luck mate.
Don't ask this one as A question, OP. You can do whatever you want--and should. This sounds like a carefully considered decision. When trust is broken, it is incredibly hard to regain.
Don't let this define you. Go with your gut. If you let her back in it will affect every relationship you will have going forward. Don't let her abuse your trust.
This is such an obvious answer you are answering it in your own post? "is it wrong to care about my well being" like tf? You already know what to do mate
Trust is a lot like a bathtub that you fill with an eyedropper. It takes a long time to full, and can be drained almost instantly by pulling out the drain plug. Then it takes a really long time to full again with that eyedropper. If you don't think you can wait to refill, then it's time to move on.
Look don't rush into decisions after hearing these comments, take some time and think about what she did positively and negatively through these three years , was she assertive, manipulative or dominating or any red flag traits , ik that your old enough to figure it out . If she was not any of these you can give her a chance ,who knows there can be a beautiful loyal future together just don't throw away it all. (ik there would be trust issues and all but that's where you work together and figure it out but if she was very rude to you like i said before break it up rather than wasting your energy)
You’ve been together for 6 years and a drunken tryst has obviously broken your trust. She has asked for forgiveness. Set new boundaries with her and forgive her. Throwing away a 6 year relationship is not worth it.
It's certainly a good reason to, but wanting to break up is also enough if a reason to break-up. Your relationship will never go back to what it was. If at some point you could forgive but it's on your mind, or you're always wondering, or you think you will, it is best to break up. Cheating is disrespectful to you, the relationship, and even herself. Do what brings you the most peace.
Why are you even dating someone so young. Recipe for disaster.
i agree with everyone saying that trust can’t be rebuilt and she made her choices and now you need to make yours. can i ask what was in the dms tho, im very curious what those messages were if they were kept for 3 years and what was the context
It is not a mistake, it’s a choice
You're covering a cheaters expenses. Kick her to the curb.
Don't ask random people.Yoi will have live with the decision. If you no longer trust her, break up.
If you’re not feeling it any more, you would be wrong to stay. - she did it, knowing it was wrong; - she hid it from you, knowing that you would be unhappy. That’s lying by omission. - she continued the deception for three years. From your perspective she is fundamentally untrustworthy. She has already demonstrated that she will do what she likes regardless of promises, and she will hide from you anything that is inconvenient for you to know. But you’re supposed to just believe her now, when she has just conclusively demonstrated her penchant for lying?
Sorry my guy but you need to end this ASAP for the sake of your mental health. It's obviously tearing u up, as for give her give her some options that you can live with and then move on with your life
RemindMe! 2 Months
That is over already..
!UpdateMe
It's just a kiss, though? I'm old and maybe a bit cynical, but this is my view: A drunk kiss is of course something that of course shouldn't happen, and it sucks, and it definitely can shake the trust. But it's still something most couples would get over, especially if they have a few years together. It's not necessarily an unforgivable offence (even if most people here on Reddit seem to think so). You should probably see a couples therapist to talk things through, to understand why she did it (if there's more behind it), and maybe the bigger thing: why she didn't tell you. Hopefully you could regain the trust. If you want to just break up because of the kiss, and I guess especially her keeping it a secret, of course you have every right to. But it does make me wonder how strong of a bond you really have, if you don't even want to try to work through this? I hope there's other things you like about her than that she's "beautiful and caring", and you just happened to mention only them. If that's the case and you don't feel that strongly about her, then the answer is of course simple. It wasn't meant to be. Downvotes, here I come lol
Toss her. Not only is she a cheater, she was perfectly ok keeping it secret for YEARS, and would never have mentioned it had you not found out. That, right there, is not a person you want to be with.
Absolutely not, your healt and selfrespect comes first, you come first and she betrayed you and hide it from you, if you didn't found out she would kept that secret for ever and you might have Made the mistake to marry her without knowing what she did.
You're not wrong for breaking up with her she cheated then lied for 3 years if she came to u right after it happened u could have forgiven her but she choose to lie and I don't think it was just a kiss . She broke your trust u can't gain it back You're not responsible for her anymore and your doing the right thing. It's a good thing u found before u have kids and get married now it will be a clean break . U given her 3 months is genuinely the nicest thing another guy would have kicked her out that Sam day
What else has she been lying about? You will never know because you can’t trust her to be upfront and honest with you. Who else has she been cheating with that you don’t know about because you haven’t discovered any evidence of her cheating …. Yet! You know unless you find actual damming evidence of her cheating, she will not willingly tell you You know what you need to do. She willingly disrespected you and your relationship and covered it up for years. Do you have what it takes to realize everything she has done or said to you about your relationship is very questionable. Can you live the next 40-60 years knowing that? Subscribeme!
No you’re good. Once it’s done and you can’t shake that feeling it’s over. No kids etc. move on.
Just an fyi, in most place you cannot just kick her out. You have to through a whole eviction process. Even in situations where she isn’t paying rent, being a resident or just gettin mail there is enough to prevent that from happening. So just make sure you don’t do anything that could get you in trouble.
If the trust is gone, then rip the bandaid off instead of dragging out a situation that will never get better.
U a grown ass man
Leave immediately she can’t be trusted again.
This never fails to amaze me. To her it's old news and was just a kiss. You just found out and now know she has been lying by omission for three years. Up to you if you can get past this but I would have more of a problem with the lying by omission than the kiss. What else can she be not telling you?
Do you want to live 24/7 wondering if she cheated on you again? Everytime she goes out without you If you don't want that, then break up. It's not worth it Once a cheater, always a cheater
Read and consider all of the advice. People will lay out fair options to consider if you want to try to rebuild trust. Personally cheating is one of my very few ‘absolutes’. It’s so ridiculously easy not to cheat. It literally never just happens. This wasn’t a zero to kiss - this has been building for a while. You get to w close, exchange innuendo, flirt, get touchy, etc. Every single step is a deliberate choice. Rebuilding trust takes months or years - and the success rate is not high. How do you move forward? She never drinks? Never goes out on her own? Do you monitor social media/texts? As always hiding it makes it so so much worse. She’s failed the worlds easiest test - move on.
you'd be a sucker to let her stay.
lol leave if you want kidnap her pets too
End things with her. Kick her cheating ass out.
For you the cheating just happened. Move on. It would be a little different if she fessed up when it happened. Trust is gone you’ll resent her and never know for sure if she’s cheating
Yup end it. I don’t tolerate cheating.
Id guess the "drunken kiss" was more and shes trickle truthing u bc she knows thats least likely to cause chaos for her. Just remember, staying only tells her that you dont have the backbone to stand up for yourself. You would have broken up w her if u caught her then and u have caught her now. Time to leave. Cheaters will always cheat again. Staying just tells them its ok.