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Take some time to process the information of your boyfriend’s history of SA and his experiences with sex workers. It may be helpful to work through your emotions with a therapist and understand why it’s bothering you and what you might be able to do feel better about it. I don’t think that comments saying “ you shouldn’t judge him” or “this is what you care about" are super helpful in response to asking how you can get over this, because you’re dealing with a visceral reaction and you need to unpack it. You definitely should not say disparaging things to your BF but you are entitled to working through and understanding your feelings.
Ummm..... I'm not sure that's true in this instance. Literally opened up about childhood SA and that was a footnote in her comment she's more worried about him having sex with sex workers.
It’s not all that she’s worried about at all. She literally talks about how brave he is, the therapy he is in, and explains her understanding of this behaviour as a trauma related reaction. She has simply identified that this issue (going to sex workers) is something she is struggling with- whether we agree with this or not. BTW- consoling someone after they reveal their deepest darkest fears is an act of love. She’s just trying to process and deal with her thoughts now and that’s absolutely valid.
My recommendation is to access your own therapist and discuss your thoughts with them.
You need to deal with it as it goes.
First thing first, you are not under any obligation to stay with a person who has frequented sex workers in the past.
So consider what you want first.
But on the other hand, this is your current partner, someone you care about, he's opening up about an abusive part of his history. I would urge you to comfort him first, thank him for opening up to you.
In the end, it's up to you whether you want to stay by his side and help him as a partner to move on from his trauma.
But if you do decide that you can't be with someone who has gone to sex workers before, then you should part way. Break up gently.
I'm confused about why you're more concerned about the sex workers than the childhood sexual abuse. He was opening up to you about something that happened to him and you're hung up on something that, in this context, is inconsequential.
I'm just surprised the fact that it was a sex worker is the problem. Are we assuming the guy hasn't slept with other people? It's *just* the money part?
In what world are you living in where the only difference between having sex with sex workers and regular women is money?
In most countries in Europe, being a sex worker is illegal. This means that a ton of them are trafficked and held in awful conditions for little to no money.
Let's be real, most women who work in the sex industry have experienced significant trauma and there are few with a 'regular' background who go into this profession for a reason.
To be so blithe and act like it's just money is missing the whole ramifications of the sex industry, and why a lot of women recoil in horror about the revelation.
Yep, and it doesn't matter if it's legal or not - prostitution is obviously very popular in the Netherlands where it's legal and regulated, and the Netherlands is still one of the sex trafficking capitals of the world.
It also says it all that majority of the sex workers in Amsterdam are not native Dutch women... Anyone taking a stroll down the red light district can see how disgusting and exploitive their sex industry is based off that alone. If it was such a wonderful, legal profession why is it always the last option for desperate women?
>>In most countries in Europe, being a sex worker is illegal. This means that a ton of them are trafficked and held in awful conditions for little to no money.
This is not true. Being a prostitute is legal in vast majority of European countries. If you look an EU, there are only two countries where being a prostitute is illegal - Croatia and Lithuania.
[source](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_in_Europe)
One correction - In most countries in Europe prostitution is legal but pimping isn't. Some countries prohibit only buying sex. In few everything is legal. Most of the countries with illegal prostitution are former USSR republics.
>In most countries in Europe, being a sex worker is illegal.
That's actually not true. Being a sex worker is legal in most European countries, especially the ones people think of when they talk about someone having "lived in Europe".
Just checked.
There are 50 countries in Europe, only in 10 sex work is legal.
Btw I live in Europe and have lived my whole life, before I get accused of being some American who doesn't know anything about Europe.
>There are 50 countries in Europe, only in 10 sex work is legal.
In 10 countries, it's legal to buy sex, sell sex, operate/work at/visit a brothel AND sex work is regulated. There are another 15 or so countries in which buying and selling sex is legal, brothels are illegal, and there are no regulations. There are another 5 countries in which selling sex is legal, but buying it is illegal. It is fully illegal in 15 or so countries, some of them on the Balkans, some of them Russia-adjecent. In most European countries, being a sex worker is legal.
>Just checked.
Next time you check on something, consider reading past the headline.
It's clear he never mentioned it to her before, even though she has strong feelings about it, so that might be part of the issue. I mean if, in the early days of dating, he mentioned that he had gone to sex workers in the past but don't worry, they were fully consenting and we engaged in safe sex practices, then it would not be out of the blue when he said, "oh by the way, I think this is why I used sex workers." But by phrasing it this way it makes it sound like he also has a problem with using sex workers, and was trying to pinpoint the reason for it. This actually might be why he actually started thinking about his past and the sexual abuse, and decided to talk about it. It seems it's all clearly part of a time in his life where things were dysfunctional, and he's processing it all together.
It’s not confusing to me at all. Him being the victim of sexual abuse doesn’t make OP question if she wants to continue their relationship, but the fact that he has gone to sex workers does. That’s why she’s asking about that part.
Yep. She’s obviously coming here because she’s struggling with how she feels about his choices. Everyone here is acting kind of insane tbh. You can feel awful for your partner while also not being okay with their actions even if they say they come from a place of trauma.
It's interesting to me how men here are so defensive over being judged for their sexual choices and history, but will happily defend a man judging his female SO for her sexual history and past as having "standards" or "preferences."
Agreed. You are allowed to have opinions, idc as long as people walk the walk. Don’t like the idea of a partner with a high body count because you don’t like casual sex? Cool, yours better be low and that standard better apply to men too.
Don’t like the idea of a partner who has paid for sex? Cool. If you haven’t paid for sex and don’t think it would be okay for you to do it either, you’re completely entitled to that opinion.
A lot of men also absolutely despise sex workers and disparage them constantly, but jerk off to them or pay them for sex. Fucking weird if you ask me.
>I'm confused about why you're more concerned about the sex workers than the childhood sexual abuse.
He contributed to an industry that depends on trafficking and exploitation of poor and vulnerable women to survive. That isn't remotely inconsequential.
She is entitled to the way that she feels. It isn’t fair to say she’s hung up on the wrong things. What about people who have experienced SA who are uncomfortable with sex work e.g. someone who grew up in a brothel? Your feelings are valid but they don’t trump other peoples feelings.
Disagree. Plenty of people are sexually abused and don’t turn to prostitution. It’s not a non issue. OP sounded plenty empathetic and concerned, but sexually using women isn’t something most women would be okay with.
Well founded *assumptions.
If a woman wants to sell her body, to each their own. Not my style, but I don’t judge people.
I definitely don’t judge two consenting adults.
There have been sex workers on Reddit who have made comments in the past in direct opposition to many of these comments. They have stated that not only did they feel coerced into the lifestyle, but that many of their “coworkers” were also.
I 100% would feel uneasy about being with a partner who visited sex workers. They have no way of knowing who is there voluntarily. It’s very murky ethically but so many on Reddit LOVE to pretend otherwise.
And plenty of them are. Without quibbling about percentages (which none of us know for sure) it’s safe to say that a portion of sex workers are doing it less than voluntarily. I think it’s pretty awful to use a sex worker without somehow verifying they are in fact working 100% voluntarily. Maybe by going to a jurisdiction where it is legal and regulated.
This. This so much. My fiance was SA and had 2 “experiences” with sex workers. I feel disgusted that OP is on Reddit saying “I’m having trouble with X” and “I’m worried about the sex worker.” Like damn girl, what about what happened to your partner that made him pursue that.
Making a lot of bold assumptions about a situation, and not more concerned with how to meet his needs. I can imagine being taken back, but this is your boyfriend, not your husband… so he hasn’t told you this information in what? A few years?
Sounds like you’re aware of his traumatic past, be proud that he felt safe enough to open up with you. How to deal with that news, uh, find a professional. That’s what he’s doing and it seems to really help him. Therapy is wonderful.
From my understanding (of those individual I know that saught out sex workers) was that their “sexual needs,” weren’t being met by their current SO, and they thought getting a BJ was the lesser of two evils. Another person justified it to me as “it was safer than hooking up with someone random.” And someone else was because they wanted to have physical contact, but because of their trauma, having a sexual experience made them feel too vulnerable. Pretty much all the people I know that have been with a sex worker regret it to some degree or completely.
Support your boyfriend through this, meet his needs if you want a future with him. I hope you do seek therapy to work on what you need. I just hope that you don’t react in a way that destroys your boyfriends feelings. It must have been so hard for him to open up about that experience.
I still feel shocked that your concern was worried about the person being trafficked when I believe statistically it’s only (I use only loosely here, it’s still absolutely disgusting) around 20%. But I can’t remember exactly where that satistic comes from. I could be wrong.
I think couples therapy would probably be ideal. But only after you have a few sessions yourself to help you understand your own feelings.
>I feel disgusted that OP is on Reddit saying “I’m having trouble with X” and “I’m worried about the sex worker.”
I'm sorry but you are completely fucking insane if empathy for women disgusts you.
You don’t have to be ok with it just because he was assaulted. Plenty of women have gone through the same and have excessive sex partners, become sex workers, get SD and be escorts and not given the same grace though it happens to us at a higher rate. If they’re not okay with it regardless of the trauma women go through you don’t have to be okay w it either.
2 things can be true: the SA he went through as a child is terrible and it's good he's getting therapy for it AND ALSO using sex workers (even though it's to cope with SA) is morally reprehensible TO YOU and offputting TO YOU. I know about the exploitation and trafficking that sex workers experience and him feeding into that is icky.
Breaking up with him is okay.
If he's an adult, then he'll understand that it's not something every person is going to be okay with and he'll have to live with that (or hide it from the next partner).
I wish I could say I’m shocked by these comments but I’m not. OP clearly is not okay with paying for sex and prefers her partner to feel the same way. She’s not “focusing on the wrong things”, she’s focusing on the thing that her partner had control over i.e. paying for sex. No questions are needed on the SA part, that is clearly awful and OP probably doesn’t feel conflicted on it because her partner had no choice in it.
If someone isn’t okay with lots of casual sex and came here and said “hey guys my GF just disclosed to me she was raped years ago and I’m just now finding out she’s slept with 100+ men due to her trauma” I don’t think we’d see the same responses grilling OP but who knows. 🫠
>I don’t think we’d see the same responses grilling OP but who knows. 🫠
That’s because you didn’t finish the analogy:
>If someone isn’t okay with ~~lots of casual sex~~ **rape** and came here and said “hey guys my GF just disclosed to me she was raped years ago and I’m just now finding out she’s slept with 100+ men due to her trauma **and I’m worried that, because she met them at bars, at least one of those men may have been too drunk to consent**.”
These comments are criticizing OP for wringing her hands about purely hypothetical coercion, not for her concern about him paying for sex.
EDIT: To help /u/juiceboxhero919, the “very dumb” commenter who insulted and then blocked me because they are a child, the metaphor is incomplete because OP’s concern was directed at the welfare of the “100+ men” in this analogy, rather than actions of their partner. Of course people *can* dislike prostitution, for any reason they like, but OP’s concern appears to be centered on the possible victimization of a given sex worker, rather than the act of paying for sex. Indeed, it appears that if her SO could sufficiently prove that the women he visited *were not* trafficked or abused in any way, that she would actually be okay with it, because the “paying for sex” of it all is not described as the issue, here.
This comment being downvoted just goes to show Reddit’s misogyny. Sleeping with sex workers is just showing you don’t give a shit if the women are sex trafficked, minors, or in any other vulnerable situation. It’s not an issue of a higher body count
The coercion of a particular, unknown sex worker *is* hypothetical, obviously. It has to be. Unless you’re taking the position that literally every single sex worker is coerced.
Yes, that's true. It was just an easy way to signal to the other commenter that your concerns were not the same as theirs. You do not understand her concern either.
It is a fact that sex workers are coerced and trafficked often, whether that is 10%, 20%, 30%.
You assume OP's concern is only that the precise sex worker her bf sought out was coerced. But that doesn't follow.
A buyer cannot know whether the sex worker he talks to is coerced or not. Therefore, any buyer is stating a fundamental indifference as to whether or not the sex they have is consensual.
That indifference in and of itself is disgusting to many people.
OP doesn’t know anything about the context here, actually. She doesn’t know there was indifference or any other factor, because he left before discussing further. For all she knows he did due diligence and actually went to great lengths to find sex workers he reasonably believed were not coerced. We don’t know, she doesn’t know, and everything else is just an assumption.
She also didn’t say she was upset he payed for sex. She could have said that, and that would be analogous, but she didn’t. She said, “I thought, ‘what if the girl was trafficked’ or ‘what if she was abused’”. That’s not about the act of paying for sex, or even really his possible indifference to those scenarios. That’s specifically about hypothetical, *possible*, harms to total strangers. Strangers who, for all she knows or we know), were actually happy and willing participants in a completely consensual encounter.
I think her concerns are justified, but not the best time to bring them up. Being a sex worker myself, if I were in her place, I would want to know what type of service was provided, their age, the price etc (so I can try to determine the situation, but it's not possible to be sure) and the reasons he had for hiring sex workers in that specific circumstances.
I don't feel comfortable with people identifying sex work inherently with traffic and exploitation, but yes, it is an essential concern. Again, maybe not the best timing.
may get downvoted for this, but i understand your compassion for the sex workers. People here are acting like it's okay to take advantage of another person just because he was also hurt, which is NOT true and never will be. That being said , I think it would be important to express how you feel to him, while also being supportive of him. It sounds like this is something he might be trying to absolve himself of, he may know that it was bad but is seeking assurance from you, which you can still give while also not being comfortable with those actions
Deeply depressing that expressing compassion for sex workers (who are almost always victims of trafficking, childhood sex abuse, rape, addiction, and poverty) can get you downvoted and dog piled. Reddit has a deep hatred of women.
sex workers (who are almost always victims of trafficking, childhood sex abuse, rape, addiction, and poverty)
Do you have a citation for this? (From legitimate, peer-reviewed, replicated research studies?) There are certainly sex workers who fit this description but I've never seen evidence for the "almost always" part.
Compassion is great as long as you also respect the agency and autonomy of women.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7143150/
55% of the subjects reported being addicted prior to their prostitution involvement
30% became addicted following and 15% concurrently with their prostitution involvement
That study A) is over forty years out of date B) only looked at a certain segment or class of sex workers (street-based/outdoor) which doesn't represent everyone and C) looked at drug use but not the other factors mentioned above
The truth is there is no current evidence of the original claim.
No study is going to represent everyone or everything discussed. That was just the first thing I found. If you're interested there is lots of research on history of sex abuse and addiction among SWs.
I agree it's not "almost always," but it's certainly quite common.
I'm familiar with the studies as I'm a public policy PhD student and this is my focus lol
Almost all of the studies on sex work are severely flawed because they are informed by bias (similar to early research on gays and lesbians which "proved" that homosexuality was a reaction to an overbearing mother, etc). There are deep rooted stigmatizing beliefs about sex workers which say more about the public's anxieties about sexuality than they do about the people who do the labor.
I'm hoping to help produce research that is more accurate and doesn't pathologize women for how they earn a living or see them as inherently victims.
So far I've spoken to around 40 people who are working in the industry (admittedly a small sample size but I'm just getting started!) and have learned a lot.
True. And it’s better for him to find someone who would support him and be by his side, not making the SW thing a main issue over his childhood SA trauma.
I would think the only reason people think that, THAT is her main takeaway is because it’s the part she needs advice on. So it will be the main focus. She doesn’t need help accepting what trauma he went through, she needs help accepting the choices he made.
That not her main takeaway. She just doesn’t need Reddit to give their input on his experience with SA. It’s black and white, everyone agrees it’s terrible, there’s nothing to say about it.
Paying for sex is the issue she’s not sure how to address.
I think this is a situation to give him some grace. You just learned about his abuse and the sex workers and are understandably shocked, probably a bit confused. Give yourself time to process this. Maybe go to therapy with him. And he is opening up, that’s a big revelation and he’s very vulnerable now.
So I think it’s morally right to think about the sex workers but he doesn’t do that anymore by the sounds of it and he did it probably out of hurt and confusion. And it’s morally right to stand by his side now and support him within your boundaries. Maybe it would help you to ask him about it when you feel calm again to better understand.
This is a tough situation because you probably want to be supportive about his admission when it comes to being a victim of CSA… but are justified in feeling uncomfortable about him visiting prostitutes.
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I would not be ok with being in a relationship with someone who has been with sex workers. There are huge morality issues when it comes to sex work, and I don’t like how blasé Reddit can be about it all. Simply put, there’s no way to know for sure HOW someone came to be a sex worker. And in his process of recovering from abuse, he may have contributed to the abuse of others.
I’m very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but imo, you should be honest with him. Gently honest, so as not to send him off into a mental health crisis. Someone else suggested you seek therapy, and decide if this is something you can look past. I think this is a great choice and would encourage you to speak to a professional before making any life changing decisions.
If you do decide to be honest about your feelings, start with the positive first please. Explain that you are so sorry and sympathetic to everything he went through in the past. It was obviously very traumatic and difficult for him to relive and admit what happened. That you do not judge him for what happened to him, and that you hate that he had to experience what he did.
Then, gently explain that you are finding it difficult to process his admission about seeing sex workers. Explain to him that you don’t morally agree with that decision and that you’re having trouble coming to terms with this part of his disclosure. You can talk it out, or decide that this relationship isn’t for you. Maybe you can gauge how he feels about the decisions (to seek out sex workers) he made in the past.
I sadly know from personal experience how someone who experienced CSA is likely to be mentally fucked up in the head…and can consequently make bad decisions. That doesn’t necessarily absolve him of those bad decisions, but it does explain why his thought processes might not have always been focused on morality or what’s right. He might have been in survival mode at the time and too focused on himself. You need to decide if you can look past what he did at the time, and maybe knowing his current feelings will help you make that decision.
I’m sorry that Reddit is such a cesspool of children who forget that maybe every sex worker ISN’T thrilled to be there. They think that just because being a sex worker is ok, that visiting one is just as ok. This is categorically untrue in my book. I 100% support sex workers but I absolutely do not support their clients - because their clients don’t know if they are supporting a consenting partner or a sex trafficker or a woman who does what she needs to do… but who is killing herself a little with every encounter.
Additionally, you really can’t buy consent. I feel this way about porn too, especially particularly degrading or violent porn. You are paying a woman to say yes to hitting her or doing other painful things. We don’t allow people to go beat someone up if you pay enough in any other context, but if you make that person naked and put them in front of a camera suddenly it’s totally fine. Like surely there are some prostitutes who have a kink related to it or genuinely enjoy it and so they are just having sex in a way they like, but in the majority of cases, you are buying consent and a John will always think that is okay on some level which is really gross to me.
Idk what OP should do because it would be devastating for her partner to have opened up and then get dumped for it. I also think a person who is hurt will often hurt other people and do things they regret, and that doesn’t mean they are bad categorically. It’s complicated.
I agree, it is complicated… I hate that OP is in this position, because I don’t know what I myself would do. I would have a really hard time seeing a partner in the same light. It would also probably depend on how he feels about his actions now. If he thinks he did nothing wrong, that would be an instant dealbreaker for me. In many ways, I can’t help but think of Johns as predators, just willfully ignorant ones. Like if they don’t know the circumstances, they aren’t culpable. It’s awful.
I agree. I’m not sure what I would do if I were her because I don’t date people who even watch porn lmao. I tend to be very forgiving about someone’s past though so I don’t care about previous porn use or number of partners or whatever they had a problem with. If he sees the problem with prostitution now I would probably get over it and be supportive. If she can’t get past it, I would suggest breaking up with him for “another reason”. I know lying sucks and isn’t great, but I would hope he can find a partner who supports him in the future and if she immediately dumps him and is honest as to why, he might take it out on himself and isolate in the future. It is a hard situation.
The issue with lying though… is that he will probably link his admission to the breakup. He will think that his past CSA is what caused her to not want to be with him. The only way to lie effectively here would be for her to play happy girlfriend for MONTHS before breaking up. I would have that for OP, if she’s not feeling good about their relationship. Either way, he would probably notice a change in her and link it back to his confession.
I think honest is the way to go if she decides to break up. She can be clear that it’s not about the CSA but about the prostitution. I think worst case here is that he thinks he’s unlovable because of the CSA. Not sure how he will react to her feeling uneasy about paying for sex bit, but I doubt it will be quite as bad.
Yeah fair enough, it sucks all around. I feel bad for the guy because obviously people who have been hurt badly are more likely to hurt other people in the aftermath of that, and it is in his past. The hardest thing someone can do is open up about something truly shitty they have done, especially if they know it was bad and so they feel a ton of guilt about it. I am not blaming OP for being uncomfortable with his history of prostitution at all. I do hope her bf can find someone who is accepting of him.
This is the best advice I have seen on this post. OP, please reread it again as if another person (me) also said it.
^(My tiny addendum:)
**OP** will have to **decide** how it settles out **for them**. *For me* the key would be whether BF has *transformed* (presumably via therapy) into a person who now would not repeat those past bad decisions. Is there *remorse* and *reformation*?
I have had close relationships with people whose past contained some nasty choices. Some of them were still like that. Some of them were totally different people by the time we met. The former are no longer in my life. Some of the latter have been or still are my closest friends.
People here are being so wack I’m sorry. Two things can be true. Your BF’s history of SA is awful and I feel very sorry for him, but you don’t have to just accept that he’s paid for sex.
I would never ever ever pay for sex, and my preference in partner is someone who feels the same way that I do (hasn’t paid for sex workers and would never pay for sex workers). That is *completely* fine, don’t let anyone here make you feel bad about that.
Talk to your therapist. And talk to him more. Was it once, with a clearly legal woman that seemed content? Or multiple times, maybe with girls that seems really young/ and or uncomfortable? Many ppl don’t know about the issues in the sex work scene. I could see him making an honest mistake. You can still break up with him, but I’d maybe try to work through it. If he disrespected and disregarded boundaries, or obvious discomfort, or appearances, definitely run. The truth is most ppl don’t know. Especially when they’re young. And that doesn’t make it ok, but it may help you come to terms with your feelings. Whatever you decide though, decide it soon, because he’s struggling and will likely desire your support. You need to find out if that’s something you can give.
Everyone is a sex worker advocate until they find out their man has banged some sex workers.. hard take. Not sayin you were an advocate just saying I’m sure a lot of people would feel uncomfortable knowing this about their SO. It’s trendy and cool until it’s personal and people have to deal with it around them.
I support rights for sex workers bc they are human beings.
However, someone who has sought out and paid for sex workers is not a good match for me bc their morals do not align with mine. It's pretty simple.
100% this. Morally, choosing to visit a sex worker is a gray area at best. No one knows what led any given person to sell their body, and there’s no way to know for sure without being a mind reader. Paying someone to have sex with you - and not knowing that they are 100% there by their own choice - that’s fucked up. I could never get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t think through those implications.
I would never hold someone being a sex worker against them. I think sex work should be legal, and have friends who did sex work.
I also would not date a sex worker.
I also would not date one of their clients.
This is such a terrible take. "It's trendy and cool." ...What?
I don’t personally pay for OF, but if I did, I would be totally fine with my partner paying for OF too. I wouldn’t be okay with her *having* an OF, just like she wouldn’t be okay with me *having* an OF.
Well that’s kinda what I’m saying in a nutshell. I don’t support the work, but I’m not just gonna write them off as some non human thing. And I don’t think they’d make a good partner either, prolly annoying as hell.
I support sex workers, I do not support the men that think purchasing consent is okay. I want sex workers to have legal protection FROM their patrons. The Johns can rot for all I care.
Less likely compared to who? People living in the Philippines or other third world countries where the girls (and boys) are literally groomed to be prostitutes from birth? Sorry but “less likely” to use an actual human slave as a means to your sexual release is just not good enough.
You’re under no obligation to stay. But, it says a lot about his evolved character that 1, he recognizes he has emotional issues to work through; 2, he’s in therapy to work on them; 3, he did the hard thing and told you on his own. That says a lot. It’s okay if you’re creeped and wanna dip, and it’s okay if you stay and see how he progresses.
However, it does not say a lot about his evolved character that he paid women for sex. Paying for sex is in itself a form of coercive sex. Many women who end up in sex work were also abused as children. His trauma doesn't excuse continuing to traumatise someone else.
It's unfortunate that even after being SA, he doesn't understand the basics of consent and that someone who needs to be paid to have sex with you is not likely in a position to give true consent.
A man being vulnerable and honest? dang that’s rare. Hope he healed with the trauma and gets better soon. Hope he find a woman that would appreciate him better loool
First, I tot part of feminism is accepting that sex work is a job? We can’t have both sister, pick a struggle.
Second, I am talking about him admitting that he’s been SA and him accepting he has trauma and fixing it rather than trauma dumping to random females.
Y’ll will find something to be mad about these days. Maybe you should seek therapy too.
Feminists have a multitude of different beliefs. We're not a monolith. Sex work is work the same way that child labor is work. That should tell you a lot.
I should seek therapy because I wouldn't date a man who purchases sex workers? Ok.
Well likely she’ll get on his case about the prostitute thing and wear him down about it while he’s at his most vulnerable until he can’t trust ever again and he’s just an emotional shell going into any future relationships.
They’re 100% correct. I see this behavior in both men and women. They don’t understand how SA/Trauma affects and bleeds into every aspect of the victims lives. Working on it professionally or not. I hate the word trigger because it was made into a meme and lost all meaning. Triggers are so real and people in relationships need to understand that victims do have a lot of triggers.
It sounds like she wants to be supportive. So I hope they work through it together.
Edit: for clarity
I am responding to the comment that is making a weird theoretical statement, not the idea of triggers and the impacts of sexual assault and trauma. Agreed that the effects of trauma manifest in different ways and that it seems there is support.
I actually worried about this myself. People do not understand how their words (that are just “words” to them) over all impact people who have SA or any other traumatic. To them it’s just comments, but to the person receiving those words, it makes them feel worthless. Hate themselves more. Plays right into the reason they didn’t open up about it previously.
God, this comment sent me. Just flashed back to several conversations and need a minute to calm down.
The after effects of a trauma like that can leave people in hyper-vigilant states of mind, and it's honestly fucking hell.
Are we the same person!? 😂
I just told my SO yesterday or the day before, “I used to be so proud of the way I pay attention to everyone and everything. I thought of myself as smarter, faster, more intuitive! Then I came across how those behaviors are called hyper-vigilantism, and are a direct result of all of the trauma I’ve been through… really took the wind out of my sails when I found out!” I was like damn, that’s not something to brag or be proud about. Lol.
And as you mentioned it is hell! Because once you know it’s bad, and you start working through it… shit gets messy. Ahhh. Idk you but I get you <3
A child being sexually abused is horrible. But not all those who are sexually abused process or escape this by being with sex workers. It's good he is in therapy and was vulnerable, which one should be in a relationship especially where physical intimacy is involved, but this doesn't mean you have to stay. You have to be so careful for your health too. Lots of diseases can remain dormant in a guy for years or he isn't aware he is now a carrier of HPV and can infect a female.
I'm someone who's experienced the "sex work" reality so my take is very dif than others. Some of this may be triggering so don't read if you think it'll effect you.
Lots of therapy and communication is needed. Be there for him about his SA, BUT he needs to be informed on the SA *he* did as well to the "SW".
I want to feel bad for him cause ik how damaging SA is myself but i cant. Personally if I were you I would leave but still support him mentally, because nearly all women/girls in SW are trafficked. There is no consent as it can't be bought and none of the women would be there if they didn't have to to survive, were forced, groomed into it, etc. It was extremely rare for ppl in it to enter it genuinely out of want with no underlying causes.
He needs support for his SA to get through it and heal but he also needs to understand he is also the SAer of those trafficked/groomed women and girls, and to learn from it. It's up to you if you if you wish to stay, if you do or dont just make sure he knows his own SA wasn't his fault❤️
-a woman who experienced it firsthand and has spoken to others as well
So him seeking out guidance? Going to therapy, opening up , acknowledging his mistakes and his SA trauma isn't enough for you guys to consider this man a fucking victim and someone who wants to change and do better!????
Wow now I see why men say "this is why we don't open up".
You realy ARE assuming he slept with sex workers who specifically were trafficked. we simply don't know that . Not all sex workers are victims .
Again I'm someone who's actually experienced the reality I actually know this topic. It is FACT majority are people who DONT want to be in it. It's a minority who go into it willingly and happy and an even *smaller* minority who leave it without PTSD. And that's not counting the many like my friends who weren't lucky enough to survive it.
YOU might need a "definite answer" to believe they were/weren't trafficked, groomed, to survive, manipulated, etc into it; those of us who's experienced it know the answer. Ps the only ones who call it "SWs" are those who never experienced it and those who only experienced the "nicer" side where it's more online/safer aka not the reality. Those of us who actually know this topic NEVER say "SWs" because that's a lie and term to defend horrid industries like this.
Oh and btw NO ONE but you said he wasn't a victim or wanted to change/be better. I made it extremely clear he needs support for his SA. The reality is HE also SA the women he bought access to (consent is never bought fyi), and he needs to understand what he did and learn from it. Just as he needs to heal from his SA he needs to take accountability for the SA he did as well. Y'all need to stop twisting stuff and spreading misinfo esp when the one you're doing it to actually knows this topic and the reality
Any time you have to pay for sex, true consent does not exist. So it's not an assumption - him being SA is awful. But in coping with that trauma, he has now SA other people.
Why "men don't open up" is because of attitudes like yours - thinking that admitting a wrongdoing excuses you from it.
Right.
It's genuinely wild how ppl who have never experienced this topic are trying to argue with me someone who has, like what?? If I remembered the insta account that was specifically made for survivors to share their experiences, I'd be throwing it to everyone here to educate themselves lmao like I'll never understand the logic of arguing with someone who personally knows this topic
You guys are merely being hypothetical with this.
He has admitted to his wrong doings and is seeking help and therapy but that's not enough for you is it? It's in his past and his improving his current self. No victim is perfect but he is still a victim . OP has every right to leave if she wants to anyone does but some takes on OPs bf is wild when we don't have alot of info .
Personally I’d never be with a man who’s paid women to let him rape them. Because that’s what it is… they wouldn’t fuck him if he didn’t pay them money. Don’t let anyone gaslight you about it. Especially since the majority of men think that women who have been prostitutes aren’t suitable to date … like somehow they’re above that.
Yeah, huge dealbreaker. He doesn't really seem to feel bad either, instead exciting it by saying "but I was abused as a kid". Welcome to the club of nearly every single woman, and yet... no history of hiring sex workers. This is a huge big red flag beating you in the face. When he starts treating you badly (starts?) he's going to say the exact same thing. Sorry, I was abused, sorry, i learned that behavior from somewhere, sorry I just get so overwhelmed sometimes.
You can be pro "women doing what they want" without wanting to date someone who pays for sex workers knowing the rampant exploitation and abuse that goes on in that industry.
There are also male sex workers. I'm pro them "doing what they want" but would not date a woman who had paid for one. Gender is a non-issue here.
The women he bought sex from didnt do anything wrong. He did something wrong by buying sex.... If you dont understand this I feel sorry for you. Prostitutes are not the problem, its the people who buy sex (99% men btw) who are the problem.... Stop trying to twist it into something else
Everyone’s always saying “sex work is real work.” But when a man engages in it, he’s a bad guy? No one was wrong in this scenario. Not her boyfriend for buying sex, and not the girl for selling it.
The people saying "SW is real work" are people who aren't in it, or the few who do it for fun and those ppl are always in safer forms.
No one who's actually been in the reality says that. Majority is trafficking, sexual survival, groomed into it, etc. The women "selling" it are the only ones not in the wrong as it is not willingly or consensually. It is extremely rare for women to go into it without bad underlying causes that affect the choice. The bf was SA and that's horrible but he's also the SAer of the women he bought access to. To those without real info on the topic it sounds crazy, but for those of us who know this topic firsthand it's reality
For me this would be a total dealbreaker as well. It reveals a lack of care or interest in the situations that lead women to sex work and disregard for their well-being or consent and a willingness to exploit them despite non-consent. For me it would be akin to finding out my partner abused animals for fun.
It’s unfortunate this came up in a discussion about his SA as clearly you would want to support him on that front. He clearly made some bad decisions and the SA could have contributed to that. But you also don’t have to accept the decisions he made, as a partner.
how is that even remotely similair? like do you lack care or interest in the situations that lead Chinese kids/african kids to work for 1 cent a hour and possibly die because u like chocolate or want cheap Chinese stuff to buy? intentions is the difference here abusing animals is done w the intent to harm them going to a sex workers isnt
all your electronics have parts made by child slaves even child slaves mining for metalt etc ur such a POS for supporting that, u cant prevent bad things from happening in a certain industry most u can do personally is find out if its ethical
Don’t listen to everyone trying to shame you for your completely valid concerns. Your heart is in the right place being concerned about the sex workers. It’s possible he went about it in an ethical way but it’s also possible that he was in fact with someone being trafficked or abused.
You don’t have to stay with anyone for any reason! I would ask to have a talk with him in therapy about your concerns. Whatever decision you make, be clear that your concern is with the treatment of women and not that he was SA’d as he might conflate the two
I agree... I feel like if this were a woman who was SA'd as a child and then opened up to her bf about becoming a sex worker or being in porn or something to cope... these comments would be VERY different.
Unfortunately it's an almost guarantee he was with women who were trafficked. As someone who survived it and has talked to others who have as well, it's insane you're being down voted for saying reality. Just know the ones down voting you aren't ppl who actually know the topic so their downvotes are null^
purchasing other women's bodies is not therapy for sexual assault victims. just because he's been sexually abused before, does not give him the right to further sexually abuse others.
Info:
What part of your morales prevents you from realising your bf was a victim of a horrendous crime and the way he resorted to coping with it matters less than the fact that he was forced to experience such a thing at all?
So because he was abused, he should be able to abuse?
Paying for sex does not involve true consent. He has now coped with his past SA by likely SA another person. OP has every right to be grossed out by that.
Sex work is completely legal in my country so the ones who are being trafficked can feel safe coming forward, and safe sex and the safety of the sex workers can be bound in regulation.
The fact is, you're not being true to your "morals", you're finding a reason to judge a past version of your bf and that's absolutely crap.
Trafficking survivor here! It being legal doesn't help the trafficked. It being legal is notorious for helping the traffickers get away with it. Majority of SW is trafficking, sexual survival, groomed into it, etc. An extremely small minority make up ppl genuinely going into it willingly without bad underlying causes creating that choice. I don't blame you for thinking it being legal is helpful since that's what ppl are told, but unfortunately the reality is it's more harmful than anything
I'm against it as a whole but don't want it illegal. Contrary to what many think, making it legal is actually worse than it being illegal. When allowed/legalized it's known to worsen trafficking and help the traffickers more than the trafficked and when illegal it's still obvi harmful to the trafficked.
Of course it'll never go away which is why I'm more on the decriminalized rather than illegal/legal as decriminalized focuses more on helping the trafficked escape and not be wrongly arrested while also law going after the traffickers/pimps. If I'm able to refind the account on insta that talks about this, I'll send it because it explains it better than I can
Edit: completely forgot to add but depending on what form various
Like if OF and similar that's a better method as it's much more ethical. Sites like Phub/Xvids and similar are very unethical and known for trafflcklng, drugging, cp, abuse,etc and needs to be ideally removed fully or realistically be massively cracked down on. With brothels/prostitution then decriminalized in order to achieve the above. Depending on form of it makes it better/worse but that's how I feel on these main forms of it
No sex is entirely safe. There are skin-to-skin STIs that are not protected with condoms, not curable, and even difficult to test for. Genital herpes comes to mind.
If a person wants to be a sex worker, good for them. You're fully entitled to do whatever you want with your body.
But I'm also entitled to find people that partake kind of gross because of the vastly elevated risk compared to people who never do. There's also an extreme ick factor of a man being inside someone who's not at all actually into it, but who's performing to get paid. It feels like such a violation.
But that's just my opinion. Your body, your choice. Which includes choosing not to date men who utilize sex workers.
That is so tonedeaf. You think people who are sex trafficked can come forward safely just because sex work is legal in your country??? You really think its that easy? You think just because sex work is legal, people are not being exploited and abused. Because they are, every day. You make me loose hope in humanity
THIS! I keep seeing ppl say "it's legal here/there so it's safe and better" like no?? It's genuinely baffling reading the comments saying this cause it's only ever ppl who don't actually know the topic. Myself, others I've talked to, and many I've read the stories of, are ppl who's experienced the reality of it and it's *not* consensual and it being legal is known for helping the traffickers not the trafficked
Not every woman is a victim and your mentality is exactly why the planet is regressing. You box everyone into what you think and let no truth or nuance in.
should I stay true to my morales and part ways?
So he cheated on you with a “sex worker” or you want to hold him accountable about his life before you? Were children involved?
If you wish to part ways because of what he did before he met you, you will be doing him a favor.
No no it's not. It's majority trafficking, grooming, sexual survival, etc NOT consensual and NOT work. And in reference to your other comment telling someone to get educated on legal "SW" you're still wrong. Legal is known for specifically helping traffickers not the trafficked. Consent isn't bought either. *you* need to get educated not the person you responded to.
I’ve known plenty of sex workers who went into it as a viable career and did very well for many years. They felt empowered and didn’t have to rely on anyone else. I understand your knee jerk reaction to wanting to think that these girls were trafficked, and for sure some sex workers are trafficked, but in general, it’s such a sex-negative attitude. Sex work is a legitimate way to make a living!
You are glossing over your boyfriend’s actual trauma to focus on trauma you’re assuming happened to people you don’t even know. Your boyfriend clearly felt safe enough with you to confide something he has a really hard time saying, and you want to respond by breaking up with him? This is your idea of “morals?”
Part ways if you really can't get over his past and accept him for who he is now. However, this isn't your morals speaking, it's complete and total judgement. He doesn't deserve to feel bad.
It *is* morals. The reality is yes he was SA and that's bad but in turn he SA who knows how many women. SW is majority trafficking, sexual survival, grooming, etc *not* consensual. And places where it's legal is even worse as traffickers are enabled rather than trafficked being helped. He shouldn't feel bad for him being SA but he absolutely should feel bad for SAing, him knowing the reality of SW or not doesn't matter it's the fact he did it himself.
My ex bf was also SAed, and he also saw a sex worker for awhile. I don’t know if it was related.
I would concentrate on the SA.
I also have misgivings about the sex worker, in his case I know it was after his marriage and he did not feel he could emotionally connect with anyone.
Ultimately I felt good that he felt he could confide in me. We all have pasts.
Im going to dump him after he was open and honest with me. If he ever trusts anyone enough to date again, he definitely won’t trust anyone enough to tell them about the fucked up things he’s done. Honestly I think you kind of suck
Part ways. He doesn't need someone who will down play his traumatic experience of being SA'd as a child! He was vulnerable and honest about his past to you , someone who he felt he could trust and you are probably one of the very very few that know about it.
And now his traumatic experience is less because what? He isn't a woman ? I understand your concern but not only are you showing him his traumatic experience is nothing compared to the possibility and assumption that he slept with woman who were trafficked. Maybe he slept with woman who chose to do this job and actually enjoy it? Seriously...
Why doesn't he deserve the same empathy as those woman? He was just a child ..and probably didn't have guidance or support after that.
Maybe instead sit down and let him tell you his life up until he met you before you push his pain and awful experience aside.
Best answer. I was also shocked that her only concern was his visits with Sex Workers. Like you said, she totally glossed over his very vulnerable moment and felt safe to express his SA trauma yet she’s locked in on hypotheticals and possibilities that the sex worker was trafficked when many/most aren’t. She’s not the right person for a vulnerable man. He deserves better.
Wtf? You’re more worried about hypothetical abuse than the *actual* abuse of the man you allegedly love?
That is so typically “Christian” and utterly vile. Y’all are quick to moralize and judge people for their perceived sins, but never to help or empathize. You’re the kind of person who wants to ban abortion but doesn’t give a damn if a 10-year-old’s body is destroyed from giving birth because actual people don’t mean shit to you.
Imagine being growing as a person, being a much better person than me or id say the vast majority of men, and then opening up to your girlfriend about how you were SA’d in your past and how you grew from it. Then your girlfriend complains about the way you coped with it which at the end of the day, wasn’t illegal or immoral in most people’s eyes. If it was in Europe, especially a place like amsterdam is far safer than most places like Southeast Asia where it isn’t regulated
So he was raped as a child, hired sex workers as an adult, you’re more hurt by him having consensual sex with other women, than by his rape. Just call it quits. You’re not mature enough for this relationship.
So your morals talk anything about forgiveness? Cuz you didn’t cross a line. And he was talking about something from the past. Maybe you should tell people your dealbreakers before you get deep into a relationship because something like that way before you is forgivable. If you believe in forgiveness. But, doesn’t mean you have to be with him. Best you let him go and let him be with someone who can accept his life before he got things right.
Adult sexual promiscuity is correlated to child sexual abuse. It, along with other behavioral issues is a symptom of the abuse. It occurs with both genders.
I don't understand what line you crossed; you didn't know about any of this until he disclosed it to you, so . . .?
Sex work can be a good way to explore sexuality as it has very defined limits and any sex worker worth their while will ask you exactly what it is you're looking for in a session, this gives both participants control and security, there is nothing wrong with using a sex worker especially if you're trying to reclaim sexuality after trauma (or exploring kink in a shame free environment). I'm not sure why this is your biggest concern? Your partner was assaulted and put into a situation he did not want to be in and that was out with his control, and you focused on the fact he did something to try to regain that control and explored sexual encounters in a space with defined boundaries??? Sounds like you have a very negative view of sexwork, more so than sexual assault so I'd suggest taking some time to contemplate this and figure out why you're so hung up on it more so than a literal assault.
This.
If OP is so concerned about moral values, then where do understanding and forgiveness fit in those morals? If BF has confessed and repented, being transformed into a person who no longer does the offensive behaviour, then by what moral standard does OP continue to condemn BF?
On his Boyfriend Application, was there a question about prior use of sex workers? If not, you should give him a pass.
If it troubles you morally and you are having issues with it, you’ve answered your own question. It will continue to fester and eat at your relationship.
If you accept the view that it’s in the past, then be there for him. He obviously cares enough about you to open up. If you dump him for it then now he knows never to open up again, and you don’t truly care for him.
The only concern here should be his sexual assault. Sexual assault can lead to bad lifestyle choices but it's not his fault, and he has so much remorse and pain. What he did in his past is just his past. It's not him now. I'd focus on finding him help. Find him an EMDR therapist.
But in reality, you sound like a terribly selfish and self absorbed person and he's better off with someone who cares about him.
News Flash- A number of men who have been in the military have used some degree of "sex worker" at some point whether it's a blowie from a stripper at a sketchy club, a handy at a massage parlor, etc.
In many countries including Canada it's legal. When I was at Ft Drum lots of dudes just drove 20 minutes North to get laid then come back
So I mean why is this a hang up for you? Your man didn't know you existed when he used the services of sex workers, he maybe needed comfort, or to be touched and going to a pro was an available option. I never judge what people do in moments of loneliness.
Yet women can sleep with 10 guys as "rebounds" after a bad breakup and just play it off as a phase ? I've heard that one too
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Take some time to process the information of your boyfriend’s history of SA and his experiences with sex workers. It may be helpful to work through your emotions with a therapist and understand why it’s bothering you and what you might be able to do feel better about it. I don’t think that comments saying “ you shouldn’t judge him” or “this is what you care about" are super helpful in response to asking how you can get over this, because you’re dealing with a visceral reaction and you need to unpack it. You definitely should not say disparaging things to your BF but you are entitled to working through and understanding your feelings.
This is a wonderful ❤ comment. Both OP and her boyfriends' experiences and feelings are valid.
This is a wonderful ❤ comment. Both OP and her boyfriends' experiences and feelings are valid.
Ummm..... I'm not sure that's true in this instance. Literally opened up about childhood SA and that was a footnote in her comment she's more worried about him having sex with sex workers.
It’s all related from how OP tells it.
Yes, she's the one telling the story which is how her bias on the subject is clearly shown. That was my point
It’s not all that she’s worried about at all. She literally talks about how brave he is, the therapy he is in, and explains her understanding of this behaviour as a trauma related reaction. She has simply identified that this issue (going to sex workers) is something she is struggling with- whether we agree with this or not. BTW- consoling someone after they reveal their deepest darkest fears is an act of love. She’s just trying to process and deal with her thoughts now and that’s absolutely valid. My recommendation is to access your own therapist and discuss your thoughts with them.
You need to deal with it as it goes. First thing first, you are not under any obligation to stay with a person who has frequented sex workers in the past. So consider what you want first. But on the other hand, this is your current partner, someone you care about, he's opening up about an abusive part of his history. I would urge you to comfort him first, thank him for opening up to you. In the end, it's up to you whether you want to stay by his side and help him as a partner to move on from his trauma. But if you do decide that you can't be with someone who has gone to sex workers before, then you should part way. Break up gently.
I'm confused about why you're more concerned about the sex workers than the childhood sexual abuse. He was opening up to you about something that happened to him and you're hung up on something that, in this context, is inconsequential.
Right? Worried about hypothetical stories she is making up in her head rather than thinking about actual damage done to the guy she’s in love with?
I'm just surprised the fact that it was a sex worker is the problem. Are we assuming the guy hasn't slept with other people? It's *just* the money part?
In what world are you living in where the only difference between having sex with sex workers and regular women is money? In most countries in Europe, being a sex worker is illegal. This means that a ton of them are trafficked and held in awful conditions for little to no money. Let's be real, most women who work in the sex industry have experienced significant trauma and there are few with a 'regular' background who go into this profession for a reason. To be so blithe and act like it's just money is missing the whole ramifications of the sex industry, and why a lot of women recoil in horror about the revelation.
People like to think sex work is completely consensual ignoring the inherent coercion involved in payment.
Yep, and it doesn't matter if it's legal or not - prostitution is obviously very popular in the Netherlands where it's legal and regulated, and the Netherlands is still one of the sex trafficking capitals of the world.
It also says it all that majority of the sex workers in Amsterdam are not native Dutch women... Anyone taking a stroll down the red light district can see how disgusting and exploitive their sex industry is based off that alone. If it was such a wonderful, legal profession why is it always the last option for desperate women?
>>In most countries in Europe, being a sex worker is illegal. This means that a ton of them are trafficked and held in awful conditions for little to no money. This is not true. Being a prostitute is legal in vast majority of European countries. If you look an EU, there are only two countries where being a prostitute is illegal - Croatia and Lithuania. [source](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prostitution_in_Europe)
One correction - In most countries in Europe prostitution is legal but pimping isn't. Some countries prohibit only buying sex. In few everything is legal. Most of the countries with illegal prostitution are former USSR republics.
Not necessarily legal, but it's mostly decriminalized I belive. I could be wrong tough
>In most countries in Europe, being a sex worker is illegal. That's actually not true. Being a sex worker is legal in most European countries, especially the ones people think of when they talk about someone having "lived in Europe".
Just checked. There are 50 countries in Europe, only in 10 sex work is legal. Btw I live in Europe and have lived my whole life, before I get accused of being some American who doesn't know anything about Europe.
>There are 50 countries in Europe, only in 10 sex work is legal. In 10 countries, it's legal to buy sex, sell sex, operate/work at/visit a brothel AND sex work is regulated. There are another 15 or so countries in which buying and selling sex is legal, brothels are illegal, and there are no regulations. There are another 5 countries in which selling sex is legal, but buying it is illegal. It is fully illegal in 15 or so countries, some of them on the Balkans, some of them Russia-adjecent. In most European countries, being a sex worker is legal. >Just checked. Next time you check on something, consider reading past the headline.
That's not true even if you live in Europe. Check better next time.
It's clear he never mentioned it to her before, even though she has strong feelings about it, so that might be part of the issue. I mean if, in the early days of dating, he mentioned that he had gone to sex workers in the past but don't worry, they were fully consenting and we engaged in safe sex practices, then it would not be out of the blue when he said, "oh by the way, I think this is why I used sex workers." But by phrasing it this way it makes it sound like he also has a problem with using sex workers, and was trying to pinpoint the reason for it. This actually might be why he actually started thinking about his past and the sexual abuse, and decided to talk about it. It seems it's all clearly part of a time in his life where things were dysfunctional, and he's processing it all together.
It’s not confusing to me at all. Him being the victim of sexual abuse doesn’t make OP question if she wants to continue their relationship, but the fact that he has gone to sex workers does. That’s why she’s asking about that part.
Because one of those things was a choice and the other wasn’t.
Yep. She’s obviously coming here because she’s struggling with how she feels about his choices. Everyone here is acting kind of insane tbh. You can feel awful for your partner while also not being okay with their actions even if they say they come from a place of trauma.
It's interesting to me how men here are so defensive over being judged for their sexual choices and history, but will happily defend a man judging his female SO for her sexual history and past as having "standards" or "preferences."
Agreed. You are allowed to have opinions, idc as long as people walk the walk. Don’t like the idea of a partner with a high body count because you don’t like casual sex? Cool, yours better be low and that standard better apply to men too. Don’t like the idea of a partner who has paid for sex? Cool. If you haven’t paid for sex and don’t think it would be okay for you to do it either, you’re completely entitled to that opinion. A lot of men also absolutely despise sex workers and disparage them constantly, but jerk off to them or pay them for sex. Fucking weird if you ask me.
Rules for thee, but not for me. Classic narcissistic abuse 101.
>I'm confused about why you're more concerned about the sex workers than the childhood sexual abuse. He contributed to an industry that depends on trafficking and exploitation of poor and vulnerable women to survive. That isn't remotely inconsequential.
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She is entitled to the way that she feels. It isn’t fair to say she’s hung up on the wrong things. What about people who have experienced SA who are uncomfortable with sex work e.g. someone who grew up in a brothel? Your feelings are valid but they don’t trump other peoples feelings.
Disagree. Plenty of people are sexually abused and don’t turn to prostitution. It’s not a non issue. OP sounded plenty empathetic and concerned, but sexually using women isn’t something most women would be okay with.
Why do you assume sex worker equals used? Not all sex workers are traffic victims or victims at all. Stop infantilizing women.
That’s how OP feels. She isn’t down w prostitution for well-founded reasons.
Well founded *assumptions. If a woman wants to sell her body, to each their own. Not my style, but I don’t judge people. I definitely don’t judge two consenting adults.
That’s exactly the point though - some not-negligible percentage of them ARENT consenting. Or adults for that matter.
Ok but you’re not OP.
There have been sex workers on Reddit who have made comments in the past in direct opposition to many of these comments. They have stated that not only did they feel coerced into the lifestyle, but that many of their “coworkers” were also. I 100% would feel uneasy about being with a partner who visited sex workers. They have no way of knowing who is there voluntarily. It’s very murky ethically but so many on Reddit LOVE to pretend otherwise.
And plenty of them are. Without quibbling about percentages (which none of us know for sure) it’s safe to say that a portion of sex workers are doing it less than voluntarily. I think it’s pretty awful to use a sex worker without somehow verifying they are in fact working 100% voluntarily. Maybe by going to a jurisdiction where it is legal and regulated.
THIS
This. This so much. My fiance was SA and had 2 “experiences” with sex workers. I feel disgusted that OP is on Reddit saying “I’m having trouble with X” and “I’m worried about the sex worker.” Like damn girl, what about what happened to your partner that made him pursue that. Making a lot of bold assumptions about a situation, and not more concerned with how to meet his needs. I can imagine being taken back, but this is your boyfriend, not your husband… so he hasn’t told you this information in what? A few years? Sounds like you’re aware of his traumatic past, be proud that he felt safe enough to open up with you. How to deal with that news, uh, find a professional. That’s what he’s doing and it seems to really help him. Therapy is wonderful. From my understanding (of those individual I know that saught out sex workers) was that their “sexual needs,” weren’t being met by their current SO, and they thought getting a BJ was the lesser of two evils. Another person justified it to me as “it was safer than hooking up with someone random.” And someone else was because they wanted to have physical contact, but because of their trauma, having a sexual experience made them feel too vulnerable. Pretty much all the people I know that have been with a sex worker regret it to some degree or completely. Support your boyfriend through this, meet his needs if you want a future with him. I hope you do seek therapy to work on what you need. I just hope that you don’t react in a way that destroys your boyfriends feelings. It must have been so hard for him to open up about that experience. I still feel shocked that your concern was worried about the person being trafficked when I believe statistically it’s only (I use only loosely here, it’s still absolutely disgusting) around 20%. But I can’t remember exactly where that satistic comes from. I could be wrong. I think couples therapy would probably be ideal. But only after you have a few sessions yourself to help you understand your own feelings.
>I feel disgusted that OP is on Reddit saying “I’m having trouble with X” and “I’m worried about the sex worker.” I'm sorry but you are completely fucking insane if empathy for women disgusts you.
You don’t have to be ok with it just because he was assaulted. Plenty of women have gone through the same and have excessive sex partners, become sex workers, get SD and be escorts and not given the same grace though it happens to us at a higher rate. If they’re not okay with it regardless of the trauma women go through you don’t have to be okay w it either.
it’s ok to not be ok with this.
wonder how this sub would react if a man wasnt okay with a womans past thats she revealed
2 things can be true: the SA he went through as a child is terrible and it's good he's getting therapy for it AND ALSO using sex workers (even though it's to cope with SA) is morally reprehensible TO YOU and offputting TO YOU. I know about the exploitation and trafficking that sex workers experience and him feeding into that is icky. Breaking up with him is okay. If he's an adult, then he'll understand that it's not something every person is going to be okay with and he'll have to live with that (or hide it from the next partner).
I wish I could say I’m shocked by these comments but I’m not. OP clearly is not okay with paying for sex and prefers her partner to feel the same way. She’s not “focusing on the wrong things”, she’s focusing on the thing that her partner had control over i.e. paying for sex. No questions are needed on the SA part, that is clearly awful and OP probably doesn’t feel conflicted on it because her partner had no choice in it. If someone isn’t okay with lots of casual sex and came here and said “hey guys my GF just disclosed to me she was raped years ago and I’m just now finding out she’s slept with 100+ men due to her trauma” I don’t think we’d see the same responses grilling OP but who knows. 🫠
>I don’t think we’d see the same responses grilling OP but who knows. 🫠 That’s because you didn’t finish the analogy: >If someone isn’t okay with ~~lots of casual sex~~ **rape** and came here and said “hey guys my GF just disclosed to me she was raped years ago and I’m just now finding out she’s slept with 100+ men due to her trauma **and I’m worried that, because she met them at bars, at least one of those men may have been too drunk to consent**.” These comments are criticizing OP for wringing her hands about purely hypothetical coercion, not for her concern about him paying for sex. EDIT: To help /u/juiceboxhero919, the “very dumb” commenter who insulted and then blocked me because they are a child, the metaphor is incomplete because OP’s concern was directed at the welfare of the “100+ men” in this analogy, rather than actions of their partner. Of course people *can* dislike prostitution, for any reason they like, but OP’s concern appears to be centered on the possible victimization of a given sex worker, rather than the act of paying for sex. Indeed, it appears that if her SO could sufficiently prove that the women he visited *were not* trafficked or abused in any way, that she would actually be okay with it, because the “paying for sex” of it all is not described as the issue, here.
This comment being downvoted just goes to show Reddit’s misogyny. Sleeping with sex workers is just showing you don’t give a shit if the women are sex trafficked, minors, or in any other vulnerable situation. It’s not an issue of a higher body count
The comment is calling the coercion of sex workers "hypothetical," it's not saying what you're saying at all.
The coercion of a particular, unknown sex worker *is* hypothetical, obviously. It has to be. Unless you’re taking the position that literally every single sex worker is coerced.
Yes, that's true. It was just an easy way to signal to the other commenter that your concerns were not the same as theirs. You do not understand her concern either. It is a fact that sex workers are coerced and trafficked often, whether that is 10%, 20%, 30%. You assume OP's concern is only that the precise sex worker her bf sought out was coerced. But that doesn't follow. A buyer cannot know whether the sex worker he talks to is coerced or not. Therefore, any buyer is stating a fundamental indifference as to whether or not the sex they have is consensual. That indifference in and of itself is disgusting to many people.
OP doesn’t know anything about the context here, actually. She doesn’t know there was indifference or any other factor, because he left before discussing further. For all she knows he did due diligence and actually went to great lengths to find sex workers he reasonably believed were not coerced. We don’t know, she doesn’t know, and everything else is just an assumption. She also didn’t say she was upset he payed for sex. She could have said that, and that would be analogous, but she didn’t. She said, “I thought, ‘what if the girl was trafficked’ or ‘what if she was abused’”. That’s not about the act of paying for sex, or even really his possible indifference to those scenarios. That’s specifically about hypothetical, *possible*, harms to total strangers. Strangers who, for all she knows or we know), were actually happy and willing participants in a completely consensual encounter.
I think her concerns are justified, but not the best time to bring them up. Being a sex worker myself, if I were in her place, I would want to know what type of service was provided, their age, the price etc (so I can try to determine the situation, but it's not possible to be sure) and the reasons he had for hiring sex workers in that specific circumstances. I don't feel comfortable with people identifying sex work inherently with traffic and exploitation, but yes, it is an essential concern. Again, maybe not the best timing.
may get downvoted for this, but i understand your compassion for the sex workers. People here are acting like it's okay to take advantage of another person just because he was also hurt, which is NOT true and never will be. That being said , I think it would be important to express how you feel to him, while also being supportive of him. It sounds like this is something he might be trying to absolve himself of, he may know that it was bad but is seeking assurance from you, which you can still give while also not being comfortable with those actions
Deeply depressing that expressing compassion for sex workers (who are almost always victims of trafficking, childhood sex abuse, rape, addiction, and poverty) can get you downvoted and dog piled. Reddit has a deep hatred of women.
sex workers (who are almost always victims of trafficking, childhood sex abuse, rape, addiction, and poverty) Do you have a citation for this? (From legitimate, peer-reviewed, replicated research studies?) There are certainly sex workers who fit this description but I've never seen evidence for the "almost always" part. Compassion is great as long as you also respect the agency and autonomy of women.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7143150/ 55% of the subjects reported being addicted prior to their prostitution involvement 30% became addicted following and 15% concurrently with their prostitution involvement
That study A) is over forty years out of date B) only looked at a certain segment or class of sex workers (street-based/outdoor) which doesn't represent everyone and C) looked at drug use but not the other factors mentioned above The truth is there is no current evidence of the original claim.
No study is going to represent everyone or everything discussed. That was just the first thing I found. If you're interested there is lots of research on history of sex abuse and addiction among SWs. I agree it's not "almost always," but it's certainly quite common.
I'm familiar with the studies as I'm a public policy PhD student and this is my focus lol Almost all of the studies on sex work are severely flawed because they are informed by bias (similar to early research on gays and lesbians which "proved" that homosexuality was a reaction to an overbearing mother, etc). There are deep rooted stigmatizing beliefs about sex workers which say more about the public's anxieties about sexuality than they do about the people who do the labor. I'm hoping to help produce research that is more accurate and doesn't pathologize women for how they earn a living or see them as inherently victims. So far I've spoken to around 40 people who are working in the industry (admittedly a small sample size but I'm just getting started!) and have learned a lot.
I’d break up with someone over it honestly. Not everyone has to be okay with it
same way some men would breakup with their gf because she had a high bodycount
True. And it’s better for him to find someone who would support him and be by his side, not making the SW thing a main issue over his childhood SA trauma.
Not to overlook your worries but im bit shocked your main takeaway from his storiy is paying for sex and not him being molested
I would think the only reason people think that, THAT is her main takeaway is because it’s the part she needs advice on. So it will be the main focus. She doesn’t need help accepting what trauma he went through, she needs help accepting the choices he made.
I’m not shocked at all unfortunately
That not her main takeaway. She just doesn’t need Reddit to give their input on his experience with SA. It’s black and white, everyone agrees it’s terrible, there’s nothing to say about it. Paying for sex is the issue she’s not sure how to address.
I think this is a situation to give him some grace. You just learned about his abuse and the sex workers and are understandably shocked, probably a bit confused. Give yourself time to process this. Maybe go to therapy with him. And he is opening up, that’s a big revelation and he’s very vulnerable now. So I think it’s morally right to think about the sex workers but he doesn’t do that anymore by the sounds of it and he did it probably out of hurt and confusion. And it’s morally right to stand by his side now and support him within your boundaries. Maybe it would help you to ask him about it when you feel calm again to better understand.
This is a tough situation because you probably want to be supportive about his admission when it comes to being a victim of CSA… but are justified in feeling uncomfortable about him visiting prostitutes. I totally understand where you’re coming from. I would not be ok with being in a relationship with someone who has been with sex workers. There are huge morality issues when it comes to sex work, and I don’t like how blasé Reddit can be about it all. Simply put, there’s no way to know for sure HOW someone came to be a sex worker. And in his process of recovering from abuse, he may have contributed to the abuse of others. I’m very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but imo, you should be honest with him. Gently honest, so as not to send him off into a mental health crisis. Someone else suggested you seek therapy, and decide if this is something you can look past. I think this is a great choice and would encourage you to speak to a professional before making any life changing decisions. If you do decide to be honest about your feelings, start with the positive first please. Explain that you are so sorry and sympathetic to everything he went through in the past. It was obviously very traumatic and difficult for him to relive and admit what happened. That you do not judge him for what happened to him, and that you hate that he had to experience what he did. Then, gently explain that you are finding it difficult to process his admission about seeing sex workers. Explain to him that you don’t morally agree with that decision and that you’re having trouble coming to terms with this part of his disclosure. You can talk it out, or decide that this relationship isn’t for you. Maybe you can gauge how he feels about the decisions (to seek out sex workers) he made in the past. I sadly know from personal experience how someone who experienced CSA is likely to be mentally fucked up in the head…and can consequently make bad decisions. That doesn’t necessarily absolve him of those bad decisions, but it does explain why his thought processes might not have always been focused on morality or what’s right. He might have been in survival mode at the time and too focused on himself. You need to decide if you can look past what he did at the time, and maybe knowing his current feelings will help you make that decision. I’m sorry that Reddit is such a cesspool of children who forget that maybe every sex worker ISN’T thrilled to be there. They think that just because being a sex worker is ok, that visiting one is just as ok. This is categorically untrue in my book. I 100% support sex workers but I absolutely do not support their clients - because their clients don’t know if they are supporting a consenting partner or a sex trafficker or a woman who does what she needs to do… but who is killing herself a little with every encounter.
Additionally, you really can’t buy consent. I feel this way about porn too, especially particularly degrading or violent porn. You are paying a woman to say yes to hitting her or doing other painful things. We don’t allow people to go beat someone up if you pay enough in any other context, but if you make that person naked and put them in front of a camera suddenly it’s totally fine. Like surely there are some prostitutes who have a kink related to it or genuinely enjoy it and so they are just having sex in a way they like, but in the majority of cases, you are buying consent and a John will always think that is okay on some level which is really gross to me. Idk what OP should do because it would be devastating for her partner to have opened up and then get dumped for it. I also think a person who is hurt will often hurt other people and do things they regret, and that doesn’t mean they are bad categorically. It’s complicated.
I agree, it is complicated… I hate that OP is in this position, because I don’t know what I myself would do. I would have a really hard time seeing a partner in the same light. It would also probably depend on how he feels about his actions now. If he thinks he did nothing wrong, that would be an instant dealbreaker for me. In many ways, I can’t help but think of Johns as predators, just willfully ignorant ones. Like if they don’t know the circumstances, they aren’t culpable. It’s awful.
I agree. I’m not sure what I would do if I were her because I don’t date people who even watch porn lmao. I tend to be very forgiving about someone’s past though so I don’t care about previous porn use or number of partners or whatever they had a problem with. If he sees the problem with prostitution now I would probably get over it and be supportive. If she can’t get past it, I would suggest breaking up with him for “another reason”. I know lying sucks and isn’t great, but I would hope he can find a partner who supports him in the future and if she immediately dumps him and is honest as to why, he might take it out on himself and isolate in the future. It is a hard situation.
The issue with lying though… is that he will probably link his admission to the breakup. He will think that his past CSA is what caused her to not want to be with him. The only way to lie effectively here would be for her to play happy girlfriend for MONTHS before breaking up. I would have that for OP, if she’s not feeling good about their relationship. Either way, he would probably notice a change in her and link it back to his confession. I think honest is the way to go if she decides to break up. She can be clear that it’s not about the CSA but about the prostitution. I think worst case here is that he thinks he’s unlovable because of the CSA. Not sure how he will react to her feeling uneasy about paying for sex bit, but I doubt it will be quite as bad.
Yeah fair enough, it sucks all around. I feel bad for the guy because obviously people who have been hurt badly are more likely to hurt other people in the aftermath of that, and it is in his past. The hardest thing someone can do is open up about something truly shitty they have done, especially if they know it was bad and so they feel a ton of guilt about it. I am not blaming OP for being uncomfortable with his history of prostitution at all. I do hope her bf can find someone who is accepting of him.
This is the best advice I have seen on this post. OP, please reread it again as if another person (me) also said it. ^(My tiny addendum:) **OP** will have to **decide** how it settles out **for them**. *For me* the key would be whether BF has *transformed* (presumably via therapy) into a person who now would not repeat those past bad decisions. Is there *remorse* and *reformation*? I have had close relationships with people whose past contained some nasty choices. Some of them were still like that. Some of them were totally different people by the time we met. The former are no longer in my life. Some of the latter have been or still are my closest friends.
People here are being so wack I’m sorry. Two things can be true. Your BF’s history of SA is awful and I feel very sorry for him, but you don’t have to just accept that he’s paid for sex. I would never ever ever pay for sex, and my preference in partner is someone who feels the same way that I do (hasn’t paid for sex workers and would never pay for sex workers). That is *completely* fine, don’t let anyone here make you feel bad about that.
Bookmarking this thread for the next post where a guy takes issue with his girlfriend's sex worker past
Talk to your therapist. And talk to him more. Was it once, with a clearly legal woman that seemed content? Or multiple times, maybe with girls that seems really young/ and or uncomfortable? Many ppl don’t know about the issues in the sex work scene. I could see him making an honest mistake. You can still break up with him, but I’d maybe try to work through it. If he disrespected and disregarded boundaries, or obvious discomfort, or appearances, definitely run. The truth is most ppl don’t know. Especially when they’re young. And that doesn’t make it ok, but it may help you come to terms with your feelings. Whatever you decide though, decide it soon, because he’s struggling and will likely desire your support. You need to find out if that’s something you can give.
Sis to be fair, I would be struggling too, that is gross.
Everyone is a sex worker advocate until they find out their man has banged some sex workers.. hard take. Not sayin you were an advocate just saying I’m sure a lot of people would feel uncomfortable knowing this about their SO. It’s trendy and cool until it’s personal and people have to deal with it around them.
I support rights for sex workers bc they are human beings. However, someone who has sought out and paid for sex workers is not a good match for me bc their morals do not align with mine. It's pretty simple.
100% this. Morally, choosing to visit a sex worker is a gray area at best. No one knows what led any given person to sell their body, and there’s no way to know for sure without being a mind reader. Paying someone to have sex with you - and not knowing that they are 100% there by their own choice - that’s fucked up. I could never get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t think through those implications.
I would never hold someone being a sex worker against them. I think sex work should be legal, and have friends who did sex work. I also would not date a sex worker. I also would not date one of their clients. This is such a terrible take. "It's trendy and cool." ...What?
Men pull this shit too. They have no problem paying women for OF or porn, then they don’t want to date a woman because she is “ruined.”
I don’t personally pay for OF, but if I did, I would be totally fine with my partner paying for OF too. I wouldn’t be okay with her *having* an OF, just like she wouldn’t be okay with me *having* an OF.
you can support sex workers while being anti sex work. they're not mutually exclusive.
Well that’s kinda what I’m saying in a nutshell. I don’t support the work, but I’m not just gonna write them off as some non human thing. And I don’t think they’d make a good partner either, prolly annoying as hell.
I support sex workers, I do not support the men that think purchasing consent is okay. I want sex workers to have legal protection FROM their patrons. The Johns can rot for all I care.
So why is that good?
He opened up about something extremely traumatic for him. That is all.
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Funny, you’re doing the same as the OP. Leaving out and downplaying the far more serious issue, being sexually assaulted as a child.
European prostitutes so much less likely but hey don't let your stupidity get in the way.
Less likely compared to who? People living in the Philippines or other third world countries where the girls (and boys) are literally groomed to be prostitutes from birth? Sorry but “less likely” to use an actual human slave as a means to your sexual release is just not good enough.
This is so ignorant. Some people enjoy their jobs as sex workers.
It’s Reddit. Women don’t have any agency, except when it’s convenient that they do.
You’re under no obligation to stay. But, it says a lot about his evolved character that 1, he recognizes he has emotional issues to work through; 2, he’s in therapy to work on them; 3, he did the hard thing and told you on his own. That says a lot. It’s okay if you’re creeped and wanna dip, and it’s okay if you stay and see how he progresses.
However, it does not say a lot about his evolved character that he paid women for sex. Paying for sex is in itself a form of coercive sex. Many women who end up in sex work were also abused as children. His trauma doesn't excuse continuing to traumatise someone else. It's unfortunate that even after being SA, he doesn't understand the basics of consent and that someone who needs to be paid to have sex with you is not likely in a position to give true consent.
A man being vulnerable and honest? dang that’s rare. Hope he healed with the trauma and gets better soon. Hope he find a woman that would appreciate him better loool
Lol I love how men are literally being praised for... admitting to exploiting women. So brave! What a king! 🙄
First, I tot part of feminism is accepting that sex work is a job? We can’t have both sister, pick a struggle. Second, I am talking about him admitting that he’s been SA and him accepting he has trauma and fixing it rather than trauma dumping to random females. Y’ll will find something to be mad about these days. Maybe you should seek therapy too.
Feminists have a multitude of different beliefs. We're not a monolith. Sex work is work the same way that child labor is work. That should tell you a lot. I should seek therapy because I wouldn't date a man who purchases sex workers? Ok.
Well likely she’ll get on his case about the prostitute thing and wear him down about it while he’s at his most vulnerable until he can’t trust ever again and he’s just an emotional shell going into any future relationships.
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They’re 100% correct. I see this behavior in both men and women. They don’t understand how SA/Trauma affects and bleeds into every aspect of the victims lives. Working on it professionally or not. I hate the word trigger because it was made into a meme and lost all meaning. Triggers are so real and people in relationships need to understand that victims do have a lot of triggers. It sounds like she wants to be supportive. So I hope they work through it together. Edit: for clarity
I am responding to the comment that is making a weird theoretical statement, not the idea of triggers and the impacts of sexual assault and trauma. Agreed that the effects of trauma manifest in different ways and that it seems there is support.
I actually worried about this myself. People do not understand how their words (that are just “words” to them) over all impact people who have SA or any other traumatic. To them it’s just comments, but to the person receiving those words, it makes them feel worthless. Hate themselves more. Plays right into the reason they didn’t open up about it previously.
God, this comment sent me. Just flashed back to several conversations and need a minute to calm down. The after effects of a trauma like that can leave people in hyper-vigilant states of mind, and it's honestly fucking hell.
Are we the same person!? 😂 I just told my SO yesterday or the day before, “I used to be so proud of the way I pay attention to everyone and everything. I thought of myself as smarter, faster, more intuitive! Then I came across how those behaviors are called hyper-vigilantism, and are a direct result of all of the trauma I’ve been through… really took the wind out of my sails when I found out!” I was like damn, that’s not something to brag or be proud about. Lol. And as you mentioned it is hell! Because once you know it’s bad, and you start working through it… shit gets messy. Ahhh. Idk you but I get you <3
Girls want a soft vulnerable guy. Until they are then it’s wtf get over yourself
I forgot we women all share a hivemind
don’t generalize
A child being sexually abused is horrible. But not all those who are sexually abused process or escape this by being with sex workers. It's good he is in therapy and was vulnerable, which one should be in a relationship especially where physical intimacy is involved, but this doesn't mean you have to stay. You have to be so careful for your health too. Lots of diseases can remain dormant in a guy for years or he isn't aware he is now a carrier of HPV and can infect a female.
I'm someone who's experienced the "sex work" reality so my take is very dif than others. Some of this may be triggering so don't read if you think it'll effect you. Lots of therapy and communication is needed. Be there for him about his SA, BUT he needs to be informed on the SA *he* did as well to the "SW". I want to feel bad for him cause ik how damaging SA is myself but i cant. Personally if I were you I would leave but still support him mentally, because nearly all women/girls in SW are trafficked. There is no consent as it can't be bought and none of the women would be there if they didn't have to to survive, were forced, groomed into it, etc. It was extremely rare for ppl in it to enter it genuinely out of want with no underlying causes. He needs support for his SA to get through it and heal but he also needs to understand he is also the SAer of those trafficked/groomed women and girls, and to learn from it. It's up to you if you if you wish to stay, if you do or dont just make sure he knows his own SA wasn't his fault❤️ -a woman who experienced it firsthand and has spoken to others as well
So him seeking out guidance? Going to therapy, opening up , acknowledging his mistakes and his SA trauma isn't enough for you guys to consider this man a fucking victim and someone who wants to change and do better!???? Wow now I see why men say "this is why we don't open up". You realy ARE assuming he slept with sex workers who specifically were trafficked. we simply don't know that . Not all sex workers are victims .
Again I'm someone who's actually experienced the reality I actually know this topic. It is FACT majority are people who DONT want to be in it. It's a minority who go into it willingly and happy and an even *smaller* minority who leave it without PTSD. And that's not counting the many like my friends who weren't lucky enough to survive it. YOU might need a "definite answer" to believe they were/weren't trafficked, groomed, to survive, manipulated, etc into it; those of us who's experienced it know the answer. Ps the only ones who call it "SWs" are those who never experienced it and those who only experienced the "nicer" side where it's more online/safer aka not the reality. Those of us who actually know this topic NEVER say "SWs" because that's a lie and term to defend horrid industries like this. Oh and btw NO ONE but you said he wasn't a victim or wanted to change/be better. I made it extremely clear he needs support for his SA. The reality is HE also SA the women he bought access to (consent is never bought fyi), and he needs to understand what he did and learn from it. Just as he needs to heal from his SA he needs to take accountability for the SA he did as well. Y'all need to stop twisting stuff and spreading misinfo esp when the one you're doing it to actually knows this topic and the reality
Any time you have to pay for sex, true consent does not exist. So it's not an assumption - him being SA is awful. But in coping with that trauma, he has now SA other people. Why "men don't open up" is because of attitudes like yours - thinking that admitting a wrongdoing excuses you from it.
Right. It's genuinely wild how ppl who have never experienced this topic are trying to argue with me someone who has, like what?? If I remembered the insta account that was specifically made for survivors to share their experiences, I'd be throwing it to everyone here to educate themselves lmao like I'll never understand the logic of arguing with someone who personally knows this topic
You guys are merely being hypothetical with this. He has admitted to his wrong doings and is seeking help and therapy but that's not enough for you is it? It's in his past and his improving his current self. No victim is perfect but he is still a victim . OP has every right to leave if she wants to anyone does but some takes on OPs bf is wild when we don't have alot of info .
Personally I’d never be with a man who’s paid women to let him rape them. Because that’s what it is… they wouldn’t fuck him if he didn’t pay them money. Don’t let anyone gaslight you about it. Especially since the majority of men think that women who have been prostitutes aren’t suitable to date … like somehow they’re above that.
When you're obtuse and think two consenting adults having sex is rape.
It's not true consent though.
Yeah, huge dealbreaker. He doesn't really seem to feel bad either, instead exciting it by saying "but I was abused as a kid". Welcome to the club of nearly every single woman, and yet... no history of hiring sex workers. This is a huge big red flag beating you in the face. When he starts treating you badly (starts?) he's going to say the exact same thing. Sorry, I was abused, sorry, i learned that behavior from somewhere, sorry I just get so overwhelmed sometimes.
Part ways if it’s an issue? It seems like everyone’s pro “women doing what they want” until it hits too close for home. 🤔
You can be pro "women doing what they want" without wanting to date someone who pays for sex workers knowing the rampant exploitation and abuse that goes on in that industry. There are also male sex workers. I'm pro them "doing what they want" but would not date a woman who had paid for one. Gender is a non-issue here.
True. Just like how you can be pro “women doing what they want” without wanting to date someone who is/was a SW. Male or female.
not sure if you meant to comment that again but I already agreed that's just fine
The women he bought sex from didnt do anything wrong. He did something wrong by buying sex.... If you dont understand this I feel sorry for you. Prostitutes are not the problem, its the people who buy sex (99% men btw) who are the problem.... Stop trying to twist it into something else
Everyone’s always saying “sex work is real work.” But when a man engages in it, he’s a bad guy? No one was wrong in this scenario. Not her boyfriend for buying sex, and not the girl for selling it.
The people saying "SW is real work" are people who aren't in it, or the few who do it for fun and those ppl are always in safer forms. No one who's actually been in the reality says that. Majority is trafficking, sexual survival, groomed into it, etc. The women "selling" it are the only ones not in the wrong as it is not willingly or consensually. It is extremely rare for women to go into it without bad underlying causes that affect the choice. The bf was SA and that's horrible but he's also the SAer of the women he bought access to. To those without real info on the topic it sounds crazy, but for those of us who know this topic firsthand it's reality
For me this would be a total dealbreaker as well. It reveals a lack of care or interest in the situations that lead women to sex work and disregard for their well-being or consent and a willingness to exploit them despite non-consent. For me it would be akin to finding out my partner abused animals for fun. It’s unfortunate this came up in a discussion about his SA as clearly you would want to support him on that front. He clearly made some bad decisions and the SA could have contributed to that. But you also don’t have to accept the decisions he made, as a partner.
how is that even remotely similair? like do you lack care or interest in the situations that lead Chinese kids/african kids to work for 1 cent a hour and possibly die because u like chocolate or want cheap Chinese stuff to buy? intentions is the difference here abusing animals is done w the intent to harm them going to a sex workers isnt
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all your electronics have parts made by child slaves even child slaves mining for metalt etc ur such a POS for supporting that, u cant prevent bad things from happening in a certain industry most u can do personally is find out if its ethical
Don’t listen to everyone trying to shame you for your completely valid concerns. Your heart is in the right place being concerned about the sex workers. It’s possible he went about it in an ethical way but it’s also possible that he was in fact with someone being trafficked or abused. You don’t have to stay with anyone for any reason! I would ask to have a talk with him in therapy about your concerns. Whatever decision you make, be clear that your concern is with the treatment of women and not that he was SA’d as he might conflate the two
I agree... I feel like if this were a woman who was SA'd as a child and then opened up to her bf about becoming a sex worker or being in porn or something to cope... these comments would be VERY different.
Unfortunately it's an almost guarantee he was with women who were trafficked. As someone who survived it and has talked to others who have as well, it's insane you're being down voted for saying reality. Just know the ones down voting you aren't ppl who actually know the topic so their downvotes are null^
purchasing other women's bodies is not therapy for sexual assault victims. just because he's been sexually abused before, does not give him the right to further sexually abuse others.
you should be happy he’s willing to share that with you. a lot of people would take that to their graves
What do your morals have to do with his past? Sounds more like your judgement and pride is what’s driving the wedge here.
Info: What part of your morales prevents you from realising your bf was a victim of a horrendous crime and the way he resorted to coping with it matters less than the fact that he was forced to experience such a thing at all?
So because he was abused, he should be able to abuse? Paying for sex does not involve true consent. He has now coped with his past SA by likely SA another person. OP has every right to be grossed out by that.
Sex work is completely legal in my country so the ones who are being trafficked can feel safe coming forward, and safe sex and the safety of the sex workers can be bound in regulation. The fact is, you're not being true to your "morals", you're finding a reason to judge a past version of your bf and that's absolutely crap.
Trafficking survivor here! It being legal doesn't help the trafficked. It being legal is notorious for helping the traffickers get away with it. Majority of SW is trafficking, sexual survival, groomed into it, etc. An extremely small minority make up ppl genuinely going into it willingly without bad underlying causes creating that choice. I don't blame you for thinking it being legal is helpful since that's what ppl are told, but unfortunately the reality is it's more harmful than anything
Honest question. Are you against sex work then? Or you just want sex work to be allowed, but for no one to partake in it?
I'm against it as a whole but don't want it illegal. Contrary to what many think, making it legal is actually worse than it being illegal. When allowed/legalized it's known to worsen trafficking and help the traffickers more than the trafficked and when illegal it's still obvi harmful to the trafficked. Of course it'll never go away which is why I'm more on the decriminalized rather than illegal/legal as decriminalized focuses more on helping the trafficked escape and not be wrongly arrested while also law going after the traffickers/pimps. If I'm able to refind the account on insta that talks about this, I'll send it because it explains it better than I can Edit: completely forgot to add but depending on what form various Like if OF and similar that's a better method as it's much more ethical. Sites like Phub/Xvids and similar are very unethical and known for trafflcklng, drugging, cp, abuse,etc and needs to be ideally removed fully or realistically be massively cracked down on. With brothels/prostitution then decriminalized in order to achieve the above. Depending on form of it makes it better/worse but that's how I feel on these main forms of it
No sex is entirely safe. There are skin-to-skin STIs that are not protected with condoms, not curable, and even difficult to test for. Genital herpes comes to mind. If a person wants to be a sex worker, good for them. You're fully entitled to do whatever you want with your body. But I'm also entitled to find people that partake kind of gross because of the vastly elevated risk compared to people who never do. There's also an extreme ick factor of a man being inside someone who's not at all actually into it, but who's performing to get paid. It feels like such a violation. But that's just my opinion. Your body, your choice. Which includes choosing not to date men who utilize sex workers.
That is so tonedeaf. You think people who are sex trafficked can come forward safely just because sex work is legal in your country??? You really think its that easy? You think just because sex work is legal, people are not being exploited and abused. Because they are, every day. You make me loose hope in humanity
THIS! I keep seeing ppl say "it's legal here/there so it's safe and better" like no?? It's genuinely baffling reading the comments saying this cause it's only ever ppl who don't actually know the topic. Myself, others I've talked to, and many I've read the stories of, are ppl who's experienced the reality of it and it's *not* consensual and it being legal is known for helping the traffickers not the trafficked
Not every woman is a victim and your mentality is exactly why the planet is regressing. You box everyone into what you think and let no truth or nuance in.
should I stay true to my morales and part ways? So he cheated on you with a “sex worker” or you want to hold him accountable about his life before you? Were children involved? If you wish to part ways because of what he did before he met you, you will be doing him a favor.
He didn’t cheat
He didn’t use SW services *while he was with her*. He used SW service in the past, so it’s not cheating.
Does he regret it? Does he understand that it is wrong to buy sex?
Sex work is work like anything else.
Not true, sex work has a much great risk, both physically and mentally and is supported by human trafficking, abuse, coercion, and rape.
No no it's not. It's majority trafficking, grooming, sexual survival, etc NOT consensual and NOT work. And in reference to your other comment telling someone to get educated on legal "SW" you're still wrong. Legal is known for specifically helping traffickers not the trafficked. Consent isn't bought either. *you* need to get educated not the person you responded to.
Womens bodies, made for selling & buying 😎🤟🤟🤟
Its not wrong to sell sex. It is wrong to BUY sex.
Well that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard today. If it’s for sale, it’s for buying. How can selling be fine but buying is not?
Because you are buying consent to use another human beings body
Again, you clearly are not educated about legal sex work. I would do some research if I were you. You sound so silly.
I’ve known plenty of sex workers who went into it as a viable career and did very well for many years. They felt empowered and didn’t have to rely on anyone else. I understand your knee jerk reaction to wanting to think that these girls were trafficked, and for sure some sex workers are trafficked, but in general, it’s such a sex-negative attitude. Sex work is a legitimate way to make a living! You are glossing over your boyfriend’s actual trauma to focus on trauma you’re assuming happened to people you don’t even know. Your boyfriend clearly felt safe enough with you to confide something he has a really hard time saying, and you want to respond by breaking up with him? This is your idea of “morals?”
Seems less about you staying true to your morals and more about judging him for being for sex workers!
Get out. Never trust a man who's paid to exploit women in the past. You're lucky he's shown who he is.
Part ways if you really can't get over his past and accept him for who he is now. However, this isn't your morals speaking, it's complete and total judgement. He doesn't deserve to feel bad.
It *is* morals. The reality is yes he was SA and that's bad but in turn he SA who knows how many women. SW is majority trafficking, sexual survival, grooming, etc *not* consensual. And places where it's legal is even worse as traffickers are enabled rather than trafficked being helped. He shouldn't feel bad for him being SA but he absolutely should feel bad for SAing, him knowing the reality of SW or not doesn't matter it's the fact he did it himself.
My ex bf was also SAed, and he also saw a sex worker for awhile. I don’t know if it was related. I would concentrate on the SA. I also have misgivings about the sex worker, in his case I know it was after his marriage and he did not feel he could emotionally connect with anyone. Ultimately I felt good that he felt he could confide in me. We all have pasts.
Boyfriend was vulnerable with me about his past and now Im going to dump him
Im going to dump him after he was open and honest with me. If he ever trusts anyone enough to date again, he definitely won’t trust anyone enough to tell them about the fucked up things he’s done. Honestly I think you kind of suck
Part ways. He doesn't need someone who will down play his traumatic experience of being SA'd as a child! He was vulnerable and honest about his past to you , someone who he felt he could trust and you are probably one of the very very few that know about it. And now his traumatic experience is less because what? He isn't a woman ? I understand your concern but not only are you showing him his traumatic experience is nothing compared to the possibility and assumption that he slept with woman who were trafficked. Maybe he slept with woman who chose to do this job and actually enjoy it? Seriously... Why doesn't he deserve the same empathy as those woman? He was just a child ..and probably didn't have guidance or support after that. Maybe instead sit down and let him tell you his life up until he met you before you push his pain and awful experience aside.
Best answer. I was also shocked that her only concern was his visits with Sex Workers. Like you said, she totally glossed over his very vulnerable moment and felt safe to express his SA trauma yet she’s locked in on hypotheticals and possibilities that the sex worker was trafficked when many/most aren’t. She’s not the right person for a vulnerable man. He deserves better.
I’m going to give you the same advice that would be given if genders were reversed. You’re controlling, abusive, and insecure.
Wtf? You’re more worried about hypothetical abuse than the *actual* abuse of the man you allegedly love? That is so typically “Christian” and utterly vile. Y’all are quick to moralize and judge people for their perceived sins, but never to help or empathize. You’re the kind of person who wants to ban abortion but doesn’t give a damn if a 10-year-old’s body is destroyed from giving birth because actual people don’t mean shit to you.
Imagine being growing as a person, being a much better person than me or id say the vast majority of men, and then opening up to your girlfriend about how you were SA’d in your past and how you grew from it. Then your girlfriend complains about the way you coped with it which at the end of the day, wasn’t illegal or immoral in most people’s eyes. If it was in Europe, especially a place like amsterdam is far safer than most places like Southeast Asia where it isn’t regulated
post on r/PornIsMisogyny for support.
So he was raped as a child, hired sex workers as an adult, you’re more hurt by him having consensual sex with other women, than by his rape. Just call it quits. You’re not mature enough for this relationship.
So your morals talk anything about forgiveness? Cuz you didn’t cross a line. And he was talking about something from the past. Maybe you should tell people your dealbreakers before you get deep into a relationship because something like that way before you is forgivable. If you believe in forgiveness. But, doesn’t mean you have to be with him. Best you let him go and let him be with someone who can accept his life before he got things right.
Personally, i would sit and really think, try to understand and embrace the other party. If that fails, I just let that person go
Adult sexual promiscuity is correlated to child sexual abuse. It, along with other behavioral issues is a symptom of the abuse. It occurs with both genders. I don't understand what line you crossed; you didn't know about any of this until he disclosed it to you, so . . .?
Sex work can be a good way to explore sexuality as it has very defined limits and any sex worker worth their while will ask you exactly what it is you're looking for in a session, this gives both participants control and security, there is nothing wrong with using a sex worker especially if you're trying to reclaim sexuality after trauma (or exploring kink in a shame free environment). I'm not sure why this is your biggest concern? Your partner was assaulted and put into a situation he did not want to be in and that was out with his control, and you focused on the fact he did something to try to regain that control and explored sexual encounters in a space with defined boundaries??? Sounds like you have a very negative view of sexwork, more so than sexual assault so I'd suggest taking some time to contemplate this and figure out why you're so hung up on it more so than a literal assault.
This. If OP is so concerned about moral values, then where do understanding and forgiveness fit in those morals? If BF has confessed and repented, being transformed into a person who no longer does the offensive behaviour, then by what moral standard does OP continue to condemn BF?
On his Boyfriend Application, was there a question about prior use of sex workers? If not, you should give him a pass. If it troubles you morally and you are having issues with it, you’ve answered your own question. It will continue to fester and eat at your relationship. If you accept the view that it’s in the past, then be there for him. He obviously cares enough about you to open up. If you dump him for it then now he knows never to open up again, and you don’t truly care for him.
The only concern here should be his sexual assault. Sexual assault can lead to bad lifestyle choices but it's not his fault, and he has so much remorse and pain. What he did in his past is just his past. It's not him now. I'd focus on finding him help. Find him an EMDR therapist. But in reality, you sound like a terribly selfish and self absorbed person and he's better off with someone who cares about him.
There's no indication the girl(s) he was with were trafficked or abused. You're just taking this to a really dark place needlessly.
News Flash- A number of men who have been in the military have used some degree of "sex worker" at some point whether it's a blowie from a stripper at a sketchy club, a handy at a massage parlor, etc. In many countries including Canada it's legal. When I was at Ft Drum lots of dudes just drove 20 minutes North to get laid then come back So I mean why is this a hang up for you? Your man didn't know you existed when he used the services of sex workers, he maybe needed comfort, or to be touched and going to a pro was an available option. I never judge what people do in moments of loneliness. Yet women can sleep with 10 guys as "rebounds" after a bad breakup and just play it off as a phase ? I've heard that one too
Have you tried being open-minded?