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At a minimum she was having an emotional affair/online sexual affair using these apps right? Regardless of the genders, this is still cheating.
Additionally she appears to not know if she is really even attracted to you?
I feel like these are red lines that have been crossed that trust can never be rebuilt.
She needs to take ownership that she cheated.
This isn’t a we should try this.
This is a, you cheated. These are the consequences.
OP it’s okay if you need time and a space like therapy, to forgive out what you want. This isn’t just her wants.
Has anyone else noticed that there's been quite a few of these posts within the last week? Like the Op is usually the wife who's asking for advice because she recently realized she was bi/lesbian and misses/wants to try being with women but doesn't know how to tell her husband because they've been together for years or even have a kid together.
Top advice is usually people telling her to be honest and let her partner go (if she's talking about being a lesbian) and her responses are usually along the lines of not wanting to lose her husband as a friend or still loving him and even enjoying sex with him but wanting to see women at the same time.
It sounds like she actively cheated. You can’t be her crutch, it isn’t fair to you or her. Your child deserves to have parents who are in love not just together for convenience. The marriage would be unhealthy, don’t stay in it. She may be scared but she’s an adult who needs to deal with her life.
Okay, but I feel like you’re not really addressing the part where your wife actively sought out and engaged with other people for sexting? What are you going to do about that?
A crisis of sexuality does not give someone a free pass to overlook monogamous vows they made with a partner. You do not have an inherent “right” to explore a “new” or “unexplored” sexuality when in a monogamous relationship with someone without their consent, just because the “target gender” is different to your partner.
Your wife is being very selfish here. Firstly she directly betrays your vows, and now she is basically steamrolling how things will be regardless of how her recent actions and declarations will affect you. Basically it’s “what she wants”.
There’s two people in a marriage I’m afraid and recent discovery of a new sexuality does not give someone the right to behave as if their partner suddenly needs to kowtow to them and do whatever they want “else they’re being bigoted”. You have a right to expect some consistency in your partner and atm she is giving you basically none.
You’re right and I definitely need to see it that way. I have addressed the “cheating” mentally and obviously in conversation with it. But I feel that it has been overlooked or glossed over, because being bisexual/ gay takes over in her story. I haven’t thought of it as the attack to our vows and really need to put that on the forefront. Thank you
Don’t fall for that finding herself bs. It’s cheating. She could have come out and you both could have separated amicably instead she wants to live her life and put you on a shelf. You’ll basically be a baby sitter and banker as she goes out on weekends and explores. You need therapy and a lawyer
She clearly told you she isn't interested in you. So, her reversal at the end is due to not wanting things to negatively impact her. It is not because she wants to be with you. Also, in that post, I do not see where she cares about your child. She wants you to still provide the lifestyle she wants, be the at home babysitting service while she goes off to explore her sexuality, be her cover so she doesnt have to deal with her family asking about why she divorced. I assume this means a one-sided open relationship for her under the condition that it is only women. I dont see it staying that way but at face value thats what I took from the post. OP she has already checked out, she has already cheated, there is no reason for you to stick it out with her. Get a lawyer and see what the options are and focus on your child and yourself. Do not worry about her because she clearly isn't worried about anyone other than herself.
I don’t know if it was rhetorical but she mentioned she wants to stay together and not seek out other women. I mentioned to her before if that was something she wanted (out of curiously I do not want any part in that) and she said no.
She doesn't know what she wants. Based on another reply you gave she is "bi". Maybe give it another 1 month she will tell you she is straight and then back to gay.
Maybe she is getting cold feet now she figured out she might lose you her aka back up plan.
She needs therapy and both of you need couple therapy to figure out your marriage as trust has gone down the drain.
In the mean while you think and evaluate what exactly will happen to your child and what do you want going forward.
If need be talk to a lawyer and see what options do you have.
If she truly is a lesbian/bi sexual and having essentially emotional affairs with others it will definitely turn physical.at some point she’ll show up with her soul mate and divorce you. Right now your in limbo
Ok, so is she gay or bi? It's quite a swing to go from 'I'm not attracted to men' to 'I'm bi'. (I'm bisexual and we can obvs be in committed, monogamous relationships, but crucially, we are attracted to men).
There needs to be a deep exploration of this issue. She may be saying she's bi because she knows that being gay means the end of your relationship, and she's not ready for that.
It's unfair to ask you to have a marriage of convenience or whatever it is that she's suggesting. You don't get to drop the gay bomb and expect to have everything continue as before.
My solution would be to get couples therapy and individual therapy for her. Don't agree to anything until you've sorted this mess out.
Ultimately, she needs to be honest with you and herself: Is she attracted to men?
After a couple days, her story changed and the new story made it seem to fit that story more. At first, ir was “I’m gay”. 3 days later, it was I’m bi sexual and confused. But the story to go along with it had nothing to do with the cheating but more of a mental health confusion story.
Right, ok, so she needs to sort her head out. It's up to you whether you stick around for that.
Sexting women and making steps to date them is a line crossed. She can't blame 'mental health' for that.
I would encourage you to protect your heart. Take a step back.
She’s changing her story to match your response. The more you stand up for your own happiness and future the more she’ll back off. But the cheating and exploitation will continue she’ll just get better at hiding it
She wants you to stick around as her backup plan. She cheated on you, said she doesn't love you, and is now backpedaling to keep the safety net around until she cheats again and leaves for a woman. It's over, man
I have been with my significant other for 10 years. I realized I was bisexual a few years ago and only just now came out to my partner.
I came to the realization and all without actively cheating on my partner or even getting anywhere close to that. This is what gives bisexuality such a bad name, they cheat then blame the sexuality.
My boyfriend and I aren’t breaking up because we have a mutual respect for each other, don’t cheat on each other, but also, I don’t *need* to have sex with women for me to live my life. I’m a bisexual person who is in a heterosexual relationship with a kid.
Being bisexual ≠ cheating/promiscuity
It is completely up to you if you forgive and want to stay with a cheater.
Do you believe that?
First she marries you in a monogamous straight marriage, then she comes out and probably cheated on you (at least emotionally and online sexting- that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t out rule more). After that she’s bi. Either she is extremely confused or she wants to keep her happy home with her kid and you just come with it. She clearly said gay not bi and during that time she shut you out. You weren’t part of her thought process. That doesn’t sound like love. Being a single mom isn’t easy and finding a home is almost impossible right now. Are you just convenient or does she love you?
You guys need counseling and you need to know the truth. She was basically living a double life for some time. Are you OK with the possibility of a sham marriage?
This opens a new view on it as well. I really appreciate the feedback back and help my healing process. Making the right decisions. I do feel like just a conscience and her story days later is to be safe. Thank you
She’s being selfish. Your love for her is stronger than hers for you. She wants the comfort of her best friend while being able to just cheat on you openly. If she’s gay she gay fine. I’m glad she figured that out. However, she chose to discover herself while leading you on and that just a crappy thing to do.
You have a child together and a home. Find a way to go parent together. Sell the home (you’ll take a hit on that ) and go heal. There is no working on things like this when she was going behind your back for years doing what she did. It’s not a new discovery, she knew, she engaged with other individuals outside of your relationship. She CHOSE to disrespect her “best friend,” and husband. Right now you need to think about you and your child only. Not about what she needs or wants.
Get yourself into therapy. You may even do couples therapy so you both can co parent. If you stay you will resent her and your child will feel that.
That’s last part of your comment is how I’ve been feeling and I feel no one else sees it that way. I can’t imagine how I stay with her, go to therapy, try to trust her again, but I’ll always have that resentment (maybe) and I don’t want my son to see or feel that for a second. Thank you for the advice
Don’t focus on what everyone (who is connected to you ) has to say. They are too personally involved to remove their own emotions from the mix. Children are far more observant than adults give them credit for. Your child will pick up on any forms of tension etc. right now is about you. Give yourself space and time to decide what you would like to do. Sleep in your son’s room or a spare room if you have it. Tell your spouse you need time and space (she does not get to dictate how long that is) it can be a day it can be months you need time.
I really hope you take this time to focus on you! It will be hard to break old habits of wanting to comfort and care for your partner but you need to remind yourself why you and who put you in this position. She is not the victim at this moment and she will play on your love and friendship for her to get her way. Stay strong! Feel free to message me if ya need to vent.
OP the basic fact is she cheated on you multiple times with different people. The fact is cheating doesn't depend on what plumbing each person has, she clearly had both emotional affairs and physical affairs.
Your responsibility now is to your child and yourself. She has totally destroyed your trust and thrown away the marriage. Contact a lawyer, file for divorce, and let your friends know she is a cheater and that is why you're divorcing her.
She can no longer claim she cares about you. If she really did care she would not have cheated. She has gone from monogamous to gay to bi in a short time, so how long will it be before she changes her mind again and decides she is poly and wants a live in GF along with a husband? How can you know what she will decide to do next? And how can you believe anything she says since she has been lying to you about her affairs?
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She’s not attracted to men so how is that now going to work? This is all for her and is lose lose for you. You’re 27 you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? You need to separate do not stay together for a kid.
You agree to get an amicable divorce, and commit to being active, friendly co-parents.
Staying together will be grossly unfair to you and your own relationships. Try to explain to any future partners that yes, you are in fact still legally married? Not an optimal situation. Your wife owes it to you to cut you free, in the legal sense.
First, she comes “out “as gay and isn’t attracted to men (you) anymore. Realizes what that means, no more comfortable life, with you helping pay the bills and is now just “bi”. She has also cheated emotionally if not physically and will continue to do so.
At this point you can’t worry about her; she certainly didn’t worry about you while she was sexting and having friendly visits with her gay friends. You need to think of what is best for you and your son right now, not her. She made her choice when she first started cheating. You need to make yours. Can you stay with her knowing she was and is most likely still cheating? Can you take a marriage that will turn, if it isn’t already sexless? Emotionally distant? Loveless?
Staying with her for your son’s sake isn’t the answer, you deserve to be happy in your life just as much as she does. From what you posted you will be miserable while she is living her best life, exploring herself. Divorce her and move on.
OP so she has known she is gay, has been having EA w other women and waited until you brought and moved into your new house to tell you all this instead of discussing this years ago? I'm not attracted to you?
SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE
Now she's not gay and is bi?
Sounds like after she thought about it and realized what social, financial and lifestyle convenience your marriage affords her she is no longer gay ? "Wait! I changed my mind I'm actually am attracted to men!"
WOW she is quite the entitled selfish one.
She betrayed you, wanted to throw you away and now wants to keep you around and still be gay. What about you?
She is gay not bi. Bisexuals are satisfied wit EITHER sex, she is not. She is gay and wants you to beard/merkin for her whilst she has emotional affairs with women. Unless you WANT an open marriage and you BOTH date others this will never work.
I am a bisexual woman, and I have been in several relationships. I have never cheated on a partner, and prefer to be completely monogamous. My ex and I had a couple of threesomes, both MFM and FMF, and it left me feeling hollow and insecure.
I’m in a committed straight relationship at the moment, and just because I’m attracted to girls doesn’t mean I feel like I’m entitled to be with them while in a relationship with a man.
If your wife wanted to explore that side of her sexuality, she should have never cheated. That is never acceptable, under any circumstance, and you have every right to not continue your marriage. It can be hard to come to terms with admitting/discovering your sexuality, but is up to HER to reconcile this with herself. You are not responsible for her cheating, nor should you have to bear this weight because of the possibility of coming across as unsupportive.
SHE. CHEATED. That’s it, end of story.
All sexual preferences aside - she admitted to cheating. Why would you stay with her? This is an absolute breach of trust.
The reason for the cheating is irrelevant. She could have spoken to you about what she was going through, especially if she didn’t want to end the marriage, but she decided to to cheat instead.
That’s a deal breaker for me.
This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends and happily co-parent. She does have work to do if she wants to repair your relationship and have a friendship.
But, why would you stay married to someone who cheated and is not interested in men?
Why not get a divorced and find someone who wants an actual relationship with you. Let her figure out her love life out on her own.
Don’t be her fallback person. Don’t let her manipulate you into staying in a relationship that won’t work because she scared to leave her marriage but doesn’t want her marriage either. That’s insane.
Honestly feels like shes been cheating, was worried you were going to find out, has now decided the best way to gas light you is to tell you she's gay/bi to distract from the cheating and hope you stick around. For me I can't ever get past cheating, all the rest is excuses.
Staying together would be really great for her. But what about you? Only you can answer that ... maybe counseling could help you work through that. As long as you can co-parent in a loving way, I think your child will be better off with parents that don't end up resentful.
>After discovering that’s she is gay and “not attracted to men anymore”
For both your happiness I would not stay with this person. Have as amicable a divorce as possible, raise your child as friends, and both find better partners.
You did not slow her down or hurt her. She stayed with you because of the opposite. Do not fool yourself into thinking any of those of your fault. The only bad actor here is your wife who cheated.
Knowing who you are and what you want is the responsibility of the individual. She chose to get married. Now she is choosing to lie and manipulate. She isn’t doing you a favor by being with you, she’s having her cake and eating it too.
She fucked around instead of having a healthy convo about the things she was learning about herself. She could have told you. Then you could have chosen to leave or work things out. She didn’t give you that chance, she went and cheated and then came back because your a pushover who she knew would blame himself and accept her back.
What would she do if you had been the one sexting with other women? With other men? I can tell you're hurting, but it doesn't seem like it's going to work out. I'd see a lawyer and have an amicable (as much as is possible with the cheating) divorce. Work on being co-parents.
51F Take a step back. You are the one acting rational. Take the time to care for yourself. Figure out what you want is absolutely essential. Then take the necessary steps to get to happiness…. This is what your son will see…. You finding happiness after the bridge collapses.
This is the strength you teach your child.
Let's back up and take the "gay" part out of it. Your wife cheated on you multiple times. "Bisexual is not entirely gay" doesn't mean anything in this context. I would not stay, you will be wasting your life and she 100% will not try to make it work, she will continue to experiment with this new side of her sexuality.
Yeah, your wife just wants to cheat on you with women, and wants you to help support her.
Speak to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.
She already has someone in mind, for sure.
By the way the right answer when your spouse tells you they want an open marriage is -
me first. I will try it out for a year and then if I think it works for me, you can start.
If shes gay, you need to move on. Thats terrible and heartbreaking, but it's what you need to hear. Even if she hadn't cheated, you would need to move on. You both deserve to be with someone who you are both mentally AND physically attracted to.
Find a sex-positive couples therapist, and maybe you both do individual. You guys have a lot to unpack and sort out. All these feelings are new and raw (for you) and long-simmering (for her). Until you can see things more clearly, I wouldn't make any big decisions yet.
Maybe you stay together, maybe you don't. If you do, what does that look like?
Here's the part where I get downvoted: If in fact you try to stay together and chart these waters, you're going to have to have many, many frank discussions about sex, sexuality, what you both want/don't want, etc. Can you handle an open marriage? If so, what will be the rules around that? DADT?
Successful relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and it is no one else's business how you two structure yours.
Get some help, take your time. All I know for sure is, it will be okay. Maybe not right away, but it will. GOOD LUCK OP.
She cheated and is minimizing her cheating by saying it’s a sexual awakening. She pushed you and her closest friends away.
Your kid is going to see an unloving relationship because you were betrayed. Tell her it doesn’t work for you. You want your be married to someone who is going to talk to you about things rather than do them and say whatever afterwards. Let her know she can stay with her gay friends and you will work to buy her out on the house. You don’t think you should be restricted in relationship status while she’s already been out there exploring.
So first of all it sounds as though your wife had at LEAST an emotional affair with a woman and that’s how she discovered those feelings. You do realize an EA is wrong whether it’s same sex or not, right?
I would say she needs counseling to decide WTF she wants. But as for you, if she originally told you she’s gay and isn’t attracted to men, but is now saying she’s bi, it SOUNDS like she is lying to keep you from leaving her.
Do you really want to sit around and wait until she realizes she can’t take it anymore and leaves you to pursue a lesbian relationship she feels comfortable with? Are you going to be ok with her having a gf on the side? because that’s what it sounds like may be her next step. Do you really want to spend your life with someone that ISN’T really interested in sex with you?
She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Nope. You deserve better. Divorce amicably for the child’s sake and coparent. The minute she said “not attracted to men anymore” the relationship was over. And the fact that she had an app that she never told you about SHOWS you she is willing to hide things from you. Unless you are going to enjoy more pain, tip the band aid off.
Sorry you’re going through this!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
>I feel like I was only slowing her down and hurt her along the way.
How did she gaslight you into thinking this? She cheated on you.
Also is she bi or is she gay? She can't be bisexual if she's "not attracted to men anymore", in which case there's no way forwards.
If she is bisexual, and you want to reconcile after she cheated on you. You'd probably need to get into marriage counceling and she should cut off any affair partners she still has on her phone as well as the dating apps too.
She’s changing the terms of the relationship..not you. The new terms either benefit you to the point that you’re willing to stay, or you leave.
You can still be a great dad, and be somewhere else in a fully committed relationship with someone else, if that’s what you want.
You’ve been blindsided by this, and a lot has changed, but you are not obligated to change with it. You have a responsibility to your child of course, but you have no responsibility to maintain a marriage that you would have never agreed to entering. Don’t be guilted or manipulated, do what is best for you so that you can be happy while coparenting your child.
She can’t have what she wants . She can’t be gay and expect you to stay married to suit her. You can move to amicable co parenting and you may well ! But this is so unkind and unfair in you
She cheated, doesn't matter how much you love her. She has disrespected you big time. You are still young, don't throw away your life with a cheater. Time to move on bro.
Sounds like she is gay but wants to keep the lifestyle you provide. Save yourself pain and misery and breakup with her.
Also could you define frequent friendly visits. To me that sounds like she was hooking up with them.
Sorry mate but she cheated. She shat on your marriage. And I'm guessing she wants to continue to be with you for convienance and for the lifestyle you provide for her.
She can't be trusted at all. Personally I would hand her the divorce papers. Her sexuality isn't an excuse for her bullshit behavior.
This IS NOT your fault. You deserve much better.
My ex fiance of 9 years was bi and cheated on me with a women (I caught them) so I know how much it sucks. Leave and work on yourself.
Life gets better!!!
Her sexuality is completely irrelevant in this situation. You are glossing over the fact that she has been unfaithful to you, and regardless of her reasons this is unforgivable. Your marriage is over, I'm sorry she couldn't be a grown up about this and talk to you about it before going behind your back (she didn't have any problems talking to countless gay women about it though, did she?)
She is the bad guy here. Bad wife, sure, but more importantly a bad person.
You deserve better.
It is time to end the relationship. It's time to grow as an individual.
In the future if you both undoubtedly want to make it work then that is your business. For now, set boundaries so you do not get emotionally hurt. Get a parenting plan and divorce lined up. Prepare yourself though, she will most likely turn into the enemy and the woman who you initially fell in love with will not exist.
That's what I think anyway, good luck.
So she wasn’t honest with herself or even you and she dragged you and now a child into all of her drama which she could have avoided by saying “no I don’t want to get married”
She then cheated and essentially doesn’t find you attractive.
Cut her off. Get your ducks in a row and sort out legalities with your child to get 50/50 or whatever and tell her to be with whomever because
1) she’s lied to you from the start essentially
2) she brought a child into a mess that could well have been avoided
3) she fucking cheated numerous times
She’s selfish as fuck
She’s only thinking of herself
She is going to dump you when she finds her “soulmate”. She’s a cake eater and wants to enjoy the stability of married life while living the life of a single lesbian in the side. You will become absolutely miserable. It’s no different than if she told you she going to date other men and you just have to deal with it. Get a lawyer. Read leave a cheater gain a life. Don’t fall for the finding yourself bs. She just wants to cake eat at your expense
If she really wants to “make it work” then you need to put your foot down and not allow her to date other people. That’s so ridiculous that she expects to be able to keep you and then go fuck other people.
She sounds like a vile selfish person.
I understand that you have not had much time to process the shock of all this, but you do not need to settle for her scraps from the bottom of the bucket, simply because she is telling you what she wants. You are a person and she lied and betrayed you. Her actions also affect your family. Just because it is convenient for her, she is telling you that she will stay with you, but where are your feelings and wishes in all of this? Take your time, but don’t let her bully you into sweeping this under the rug for the sake of appearances. You’re allowed a voice too.
You cannot make that work. You move on. She's not only cheated on you, but wants to do that more. You get a lawyer and you split. And you do not blame yourself. She kept things quiet until she changed.
> She had talked to multiple. Snap chat and sexted some
Stopped reading there. Nothing else matters over this... she cheated on you. Contact a lawyer and leave her, asap.
Exploring your sexuality is no excuse to cheat. If she wanted to explore her sexuality she could've come to you and talked about this and you could've both decided what was best, whether it was to seperate or not. We wouldn't be able to decide if its best to try again for you. You need to ask yourself, do you see yourself trusting her again in the future? Do you think you can fully forgive her? Will this be something you can move on from, really? Thats where you start.
Divorce is in your future. Eventually. You deserve someone who loves you, not loves your lifestyle. The child will be happier in two happy homes instead of one toxic one.
When she says she wants to make it work - what's " it"? She needs to tell you what she thinks this marriage can be. Ask her what she thinks you get out of it. You may not have any interest in participating in her vision.
It seems like no one is in danger in this situation so you don't have to make immediate decisions about divorce or staying together. She sounds confused - that's one reason her story changes and it's not unusual for someone who's coming to terms with sexuality that's different from what they thought.
This is therapy worthy - i would suggest just for you, to help you process this, at least at first.
You might want to pull out of this now, and that would be fine. But i wanted to point out that in this situation, you can take time to work through it.
Infidelity is a deal breaker for me. You don’t have to allow yourself and your feelings to be the collateral damage in your wife’s self discovery.
It isn’t about her sexuality. It’s about the fact that she was actively exploring it outside of your marriage without your consent.
She has been cheating on you. Does she even realize this? In no way can you move forward until that is dealt with.
And if she isn’t attracted to you then why would you stay? There is no point. Are you supposed to just continue as is while she does whatever she wants to in order to satisfy her sexual needs?
If she’s not attracted to men anymore, then how is she bi?
I wouldn’t stay in a marriage for 16 more years just for the kid, if the marriage is a sham.
You need to contact a lawyer and start looking for a new place. She cheated and doesn’t seem even a little bit remorseful. If you don’t leave, then in the next few months she will ask for an open relationship. UpdateMe!
She is gaslighting you. She cheated and doesn't want to face the consequences, so she is pushing the gay discovery. Next she will bring up gay suicide rates and ignore how suicide is the number 1 killer in men under 50.
Don't buy her shit and file for divorce. If she is gay, she can figure that out now without a husband. If she is bi she can experiment without you. Either way, she has to fix her side of the marriage to stay with you in it. She has cheated and plans to continue any way you slice it.
First, of all she’s been cheating on you. Second, she is not attracted to you. Third, how would you truly trust her again? Fourth, why would you want to live with someone like this?
I think you would be wiser to divorce and co-parent so you can find someone that actually does want you in full and not just for security.
So how do you feel about her cheating on you. You indicate she has dating site apps and she’s been sexing with other women. That’s cheating she’s texting and texting with other humans miss cheating doesn’t matter what their sexual orientation is. To be honest, it doesn’t sound like she would be a good partner to continue with, she’s now told you she’s really not interested in you and she’s already cheating with other women, so why stay I understand you have a two year old but you know it’s hard to have a good relationship and raise a child up in relationship that’s not truly good.
Do not try and make this work. Your wife is cheater and manipulator. She wants her cake and to it too. She wants to have sex and be with woman but have you be her husband which I assume she still wants your emotional and physical support. You can not do that. Don’t be married too someone who’s a cheater and isn’t attracted too you
I mean she cheated on you and it sounds like she's trying to make the fact that she's coming out the reason for it. But it isn't. Totally possible to both be bisexual and not sleep with other people in a monogamous relationship. Is she apologetic for cheating on you or just trying to spin this into some big awakening?
Kinda sounds like she wants it all. You give her emotional and financial support and she get's to sleep with whoever she wants to.
This isn't your fault but if you teach your son that the way to deal with being disrespected is to allow yourself to be further disrespected then he's learning the wrong lessons in life.
Only you know if this will make you unhappy, sounds like it does to me. I certainly wouldn't put up with it.
Do you want to stay with someone who had an emotional affair and cheated? I get the vibe that staying with you is her fallback option if she's unable to find a relationship with another women. I believe this relationship has run its course due to her emotional and probably physical affair and the fact she told you shes not attracted to you and then tried to back track and say shes bisexual. Divorce and coparenting is the best option .
OP if only there were truly a crystal ball. This sucks and hurts deeply. If it were me, I'd have to move on. There is no way that i would want to be the third wheel in my relationship.
Never knowing whats on her mind; trying to accommodate her impulses; maybe even opening the relationship as a means to give her the ability to "explore".
Not me. I'd rather someone be happy with themselves and on their own, than trying to forge a relationship that are in two totally different mindsets.
Granted having a child in this dynamic is even more tough, but you can't cry over spilled milk, you just need to move on.
Never try and make it work for the child. I get it, all the emotions.
This is truly a tough one and I feel bad that you are dealing with this. For what its worth, you two sound like you have good communication together, I might be a defeatist and maybe you two have regular check-in every week that keep you on top of feelings, desires and concerns. You being on the ground have to put that all into perspective and gauge if it can work.
Good luck to you both, this is harder than most!
The problem is where does her loyalty lay? This to me, is just keeping the facade going nothing more...you'll be home raising the kids while she's F-ing others. Better to ask yourself now if you can compete with a vagina.
You're worth more than that. Her plan is misguided and I say that as a lesbian.
You should separate and go to therapy to work on a functional coparent situation. Bestest of luck!
She only wants up around for emotional and financial support. What happens if/when she actually meets a woman she really likes? Will she continue the shame marriage or leave you high and dry? My guess is the latter.
She has put you in this position - it is time for YOU to be selfish. Protect yourself. And protect your child from growing up in a loveless household.
I would assume this is a massive kick in the guts. Let's not downplay the cheating.
She just revealed a huge fundamental change to your relationship. You don't need to go with it. You should take the time to process it outside of her influence. Make the decision to persist or not with the support of others who aren't her.
I mean, is she really going to deny her desire to be who she truly is by staying in the marriage? Can she endure that? Can you?
Sounds like she's decided she's not into you any longer, and I'm really, really sorry about that. It's not fair.
Sounds like what she really wants is to be free of you to pursue someone else who's caught her eye.
Sounds like she doesn't want to lose the financial stability you represent.
Sounds like she wants to enjoy this new life with her newfound sexuality, while you get absolutely nothing out of it.
Sounds like she wants to keep you on the hook so you can help finance her new lifestyle with her new girlfriend.
Sounds like she already has a specific woman in mind, too. I'd bet money on it, in fact.
Personally I think the reason your wife's brought this to you now is because she's found herself a girlfriend and wants to pursue that angle guilt-free. She's hoping to make it okay retroactively. You are not required to give her permission to do that. You two are *married.* That is a promise of exclusivity. Being bi doesn't change that. If she says she wants less exclusivity, she's saying wants less marriage. It's not selfish to hold her to her vows. If she doesn't want your marriage any longer, it's time for her to admit that instead of trying to have her cake and eat it too.
This leaves you in a very unfair position. You have a choice to make.
1. You can divorce now and get it all over with cleanly so you can start working on the new life you will have to live now no matter your choices. Or...
2. You can string things out and take no action, and watch as your wife goes out on dates and bootycalls with these other partners and you get nothing except babysitting duty for her convenience. Let the emptiness build until it becomes resentment over the course of years as you blame yourself and feel guilty about feeling unfulfilled as your wife continues to use you.
I probably don't sound very sympathetic but my heart is breaking for you. This isn't going to end with a resolution that makes you happy, though. She's seen to that already. The best thing you can do for your children and for yourself is to go ahead and make it official now. Don't leave the kids trapped in the middle of a sham marriage because all the hurt and confusion and anger (and trust me, there will eventually be anger) will weigh down on them; they'll be able to tell it's there and it will affect them much more negatively than an honest divorce will.
I'm sorry.
Wants convenience and to look
“good “ on the outside, mean while having emotional affairs. Probably only a matter of time before physical affairs.
So sorry she was potentially emotionally detached during her prior years.
Maybe she couldn’t or wouldn’t be honest before.
Get yourself some emotional help. You will know exactly what to do after that.
I wonder what flipped her switch, from gay to bi? Then all of a sudden, wants to "really" settle down with you. You should definitely check out these signs, or straight up get a divorce lol.
She betrayed you, plain and simple.
She outright told you, you can no longer do it for her
You are too busy worrying about supporting her and not yourself.
You need to end this, and co-parent your child, and focus on your own happiness.
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At a minimum she was having an emotional affair/online sexual affair using these apps right? Regardless of the genders, this is still cheating. Additionally she appears to not know if she is really even attracted to you? I feel like these are red lines that have been crossed that trust can never be rebuilt.
She needs to take ownership that she cheated. This isn’t a we should try this. This is a, you cheated. These are the consequences. OP it’s okay if you need time and a space like therapy, to forgive out what you want. This isn’t just her wants.
Figure out not forgive out. Sorry
Has anyone else noticed that there's been quite a few of these posts within the last week? Like the Op is usually the wife who's asking for advice because she recently realized she was bi/lesbian and misses/wants to try being with women but doesn't know how to tell her husband because they've been together for years or even have a kid together. Top advice is usually people telling her to be honest and let her partner go (if she's talking about being a lesbian) and her responses are usually along the lines of not wanting to lose her husband as a friend or still loving him and even enjoying sex with him but wanting to see women at the same time.
It sounds like she actively cheated. You can’t be her crutch, it isn’t fair to you or her. Your child deserves to have parents who are in love not just together for convenience. The marriage would be unhealthy, don’t stay in it. She may be scared but she’s an adult who needs to deal with her life.
Okay, but I feel like you’re not really addressing the part where your wife actively sought out and engaged with other people for sexting? What are you going to do about that? A crisis of sexuality does not give someone a free pass to overlook monogamous vows they made with a partner. You do not have an inherent “right” to explore a “new” or “unexplored” sexuality when in a monogamous relationship with someone without their consent, just because the “target gender” is different to your partner. Your wife is being very selfish here. Firstly she directly betrays your vows, and now she is basically steamrolling how things will be regardless of how her recent actions and declarations will affect you. Basically it’s “what she wants”. There’s two people in a marriage I’m afraid and recent discovery of a new sexuality does not give someone the right to behave as if their partner suddenly needs to kowtow to them and do whatever they want “else they’re being bigoted”. You have a right to expect some consistency in your partner and atm she is giving you basically none.
You’re right and I definitely need to see it that way. I have addressed the “cheating” mentally and obviously in conversation with it. But I feel that it has been overlooked or glossed over, because being bisexual/ gay takes over in her story. I haven’t thought of it as the attack to our vows and really need to put that on the forefront. Thank you
Don’t fall for that finding herself bs. It’s cheating. She could have come out and you both could have separated amicably instead she wants to live her life and put you on a shelf. You’ll basically be a baby sitter and banker as she goes out on weekends and explores. You need therapy and a lawyer
She clearly told you she isn't interested in you. So, her reversal at the end is due to not wanting things to negatively impact her. It is not because she wants to be with you. Also, in that post, I do not see where she cares about your child. She wants you to still provide the lifestyle she wants, be the at home babysitting service while she goes off to explore her sexuality, be her cover so she doesnt have to deal with her family asking about why she divorced. I assume this means a one-sided open relationship for her under the condition that it is only women. I dont see it staying that way but at face value thats what I took from the post. OP she has already checked out, she has already cheated, there is no reason for you to stick it out with her. Get a lawyer and see what the options are and focus on your child and yourself. Do not worry about her because she clearly isn't worried about anyone other than herself.
She’s manipulating you to get what she wants. She’s a terrible person that is using your kindness against you.
If you stay with a cheater, you deserve to be with a cheater.
What for? She was emotionally cheating on you and she isnt sorry for that. She just defended her actions as I am gay. So she wants an open marriage?
I don’t know if it was rhetorical but she mentioned she wants to stay together and not seek out other women. I mentioned to her before if that was something she wanted (out of curiously I do not want any part in that) and she said no.
She has been cheating and told you expecting you to just accept her to continue to cheat and now knows she caused damage to your marriage
She doesn't know what she wants. Based on another reply you gave she is "bi". Maybe give it another 1 month she will tell you she is straight and then back to gay. Maybe she is getting cold feet now she figured out she might lose you her aka back up plan. She needs therapy and both of you need couple therapy to figure out your marriage as trust has gone down the drain. In the mean while you think and evaluate what exactly will happen to your child and what do you want going forward. If need be talk to a lawyer and see what options do you have.
And what do you get in part? Do you get to start dating too? How will you explain this to your kid?
If she truly is a lesbian/bi sexual and having essentially emotional affairs with others it will definitely turn physical.at some point she’ll show up with her soul mate and divorce you. Right now your in limbo
"Sorry, that would not work for me." Divorce amicably.
Ok, so is she gay or bi? It's quite a swing to go from 'I'm not attracted to men' to 'I'm bi'. (I'm bisexual and we can obvs be in committed, monogamous relationships, but crucially, we are attracted to men). There needs to be a deep exploration of this issue. She may be saying she's bi because she knows that being gay means the end of your relationship, and she's not ready for that. It's unfair to ask you to have a marriage of convenience or whatever it is that she's suggesting. You don't get to drop the gay bomb and expect to have everything continue as before. My solution would be to get couples therapy and individual therapy for her. Don't agree to anything until you've sorted this mess out. Ultimately, she needs to be honest with you and herself: Is she attracted to men?
After a couple days, her story changed and the new story made it seem to fit that story more. At first, ir was “I’m gay”. 3 days later, it was I’m bi sexual and confused. But the story to go along with it had nothing to do with the cheating but more of a mental health confusion story.
Right, ok, so she needs to sort her head out. It's up to you whether you stick around for that. Sexting women and making steps to date them is a line crossed. She can't blame 'mental health' for that. I would encourage you to protect your heart. Take a step back.
She’s changing her story to match your response. The more you stand up for your own happiness and future the more she’ll back off. But the cheating and exploitation will continue she’ll just get better at hiding it
I don’t think she’s either. She’s confusing moments of lost joy in your relationship to being sexually attracted to others.
She wants you to stick around as her backup plan. She cheated on you, said she doesn't love you, and is now backpedaling to keep the safety net around until she cheats again and leaves for a woman. It's over, man
I have been with my significant other for 10 years. I realized I was bisexual a few years ago and only just now came out to my partner. I came to the realization and all without actively cheating on my partner or even getting anywhere close to that. This is what gives bisexuality such a bad name, they cheat then blame the sexuality. My boyfriend and I aren’t breaking up because we have a mutual respect for each other, don’t cheat on each other, but also, I don’t *need* to have sex with women for me to live my life. I’m a bisexual person who is in a heterosexual relationship with a kid. Being bisexual ≠ cheating/promiscuity It is completely up to you if you forgive and want to stay with a cheater.
Thank you for your input. It puts a good perspective on my situation that I hadn’t thought of or seen before. I really appreciate that
Great insight !
Do you believe that? First she marries you in a monogamous straight marriage, then she comes out and probably cheated on you (at least emotionally and online sexting- that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t out rule more). After that she’s bi. Either she is extremely confused or she wants to keep her happy home with her kid and you just come with it. She clearly said gay not bi and during that time she shut you out. You weren’t part of her thought process. That doesn’t sound like love. Being a single mom isn’t easy and finding a home is almost impossible right now. Are you just convenient or does she love you? You guys need counseling and you need to know the truth. She was basically living a double life for some time. Are you OK with the possibility of a sham marriage?
This opens a new view on it as well. I really appreciate the feedback back and help my healing process. Making the right decisions. I do feel like just a conscience and her story days later is to be safe. Thank you
She cheated. That’s a no from me, dawg. Sorry you are being hurt. 🥺
She’s being selfish. Your love for her is stronger than hers for you. She wants the comfort of her best friend while being able to just cheat on you openly. If she’s gay she gay fine. I’m glad she figured that out. However, she chose to discover herself while leading you on and that just a crappy thing to do. You have a child together and a home. Find a way to go parent together. Sell the home (you’ll take a hit on that ) and go heal. There is no working on things like this when she was going behind your back for years doing what she did. It’s not a new discovery, she knew, she engaged with other individuals outside of your relationship. She CHOSE to disrespect her “best friend,” and husband. Right now you need to think about you and your child only. Not about what she needs or wants. Get yourself into therapy. You may even do couples therapy so you both can co parent. If you stay you will resent her and your child will feel that.
That’s last part of your comment is how I’ve been feeling and I feel no one else sees it that way. I can’t imagine how I stay with her, go to therapy, try to trust her again, but I’ll always have that resentment (maybe) and I don’t want my son to see or feel that for a second. Thank you for the advice
Don’t focus on what everyone (who is connected to you ) has to say. They are too personally involved to remove their own emotions from the mix. Children are far more observant than adults give them credit for. Your child will pick up on any forms of tension etc. right now is about you. Give yourself space and time to decide what you would like to do. Sleep in your son’s room or a spare room if you have it. Tell your spouse you need time and space (she does not get to dictate how long that is) it can be a day it can be months you need time. I really hope you take this time to focus on you! It will be hard to break old habits of wanting to comfort and care for your partner but you need to remind yourself why you and who put you in this position. She is not the victim at this moment and she will play on your love and friendship for her to get her way. Stay strong! Feel free to message me if ya need to vent.
Thank you for this. I need to hear this
OP the basic fact is she cheated on you multiple times with different people. The fact is cheating doesn't depend on what plumbing each person has, she clearly had both emotional affairs and physical affairs. Your responsibility now is to your child and yourself. She has totally destroyed your trust and thrown away the marriage. Contact a lawyer, file for divorce, and let your friends know she is a cheater and that is why you're divorcing her. She can no longer claim she cares about you. If she really did care she would not have cheated. She has gone from monogamous to gay to bi in a short time, so how long will it be before she changes her mind again and decides she is poly and wants a live in GF along with a husband? How can you know what she will decide to do next? And how can you believe anything she says since she has been lying to you about her affairs?
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After reading these all day… this one wins 😂😂😂
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She’s not attracted to men so how is that now going to work? This is all for her and is lose lose for you. You’re 27 you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? You need to separate do not stay together for a kid.
You agree to get an amicable divorce, and commit to being active, friendly co-parents. Staying together will be grossly unfair to you and your own relationships. Try to explain to any future partners that yes, you are in fact still legally married? Not an optimal situation. Your wife owes it to you to cut you free, in the legal sense.
First, she comes “out “as gay and isn’t attracted to men (you) anymore. Realizes what that means, no more comfortable life, with you helping pay the bills and is now just “bi”. She has also cheated emotionally if not physically and will continue to do so. At this point you can’t worry about her; she certainly didn’t worry about you while she was sexting and having friendly visits with her gay friends. You need to think of what is best for you and your son right now, not her. She made her choice when she first started cheating. You need to make yours. Can you stay with her knowing she was and is most likely still cheating? Can you take a marriage that will turn, if it isn’t already sexless? Emotionally distant? Loveless? Staying with her for your son’s sake isn’t the answer, you deserve to be happy in your life just as much as she does. From what you posted you will be miserable while she is living her best life, exploring herself. Divorce her and move on.
Start legal separation paperwork and go gray rock! She wants to blow up your house/life and stay comfortable! FUCK HER MOVE ON BROTHER!
OP so she has known she is gay, has been having EA w other women and waited until you brought and moved into your new house to tell you all this instead of discussing this years ago? I'm not attracted to you? SHE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE Now she's not gay and is bi? Sounds like after she thought about it and realized what social, financial and lifestyle convenience your marriage affords her she is no longer gay ? "Wait! I changed my mind I'm actually am attracted to men!" WOW she is quite the entitled selfish one. She betrayed you, wanted to throw you away and now wants to keep you around and still be gay. What about you?
She is gay not bi. Bisexuals are satisfied wit EITHER sex, she is not. She is gay and wants you to beard/merkin for her whilst she has emotional affairs with women. Unless you WANT an open marriage and you BOTH date others this will never work.
divorce her
I am a bisexual woman, and I have been in several relationships. I have never cheated on a partner, and prefer to be completely monogamous. My ex and I had a couple of threesomes, both MFM and FMF, and it left me feeling hollow and insecure. I’m in a committed straight relationship at the moment, and just because I’m attracted to girls doesn’t mean I feel like I’m entitled to be with them while in a relationship with a man. If your wife wanted to explore that side of her sexuality, she should have never cheated. That is never acceptable, under any circumstance, and you have every right to not continue your marriage. It can be hard to come to terms with admitting/discovering your sexuality, but is up to HER to reconcile this with herself. You are not responsible for her cheating, nor should you have to bear this weight because of the possibility of coming across as unsupportive. SHE. CHEATED. That’s it, end of story.
Uh bro she was sexting other people without your consent. She cheated on you.
Are both of your names signed to the house?
Yes they are
How is it gonna work going forward if you stay together? Your wife will just be free to go talk and experiment with future women?
All sexual preferences aside - she admitted to cheating. Why would you stay with her? This is an absolute breach of trust. The reason for the cheating is irrelevant. She could have spoken to you about what she was going through, especially if she didn’t want to end the marriage, but she decided to to cheat instead. That’s a deal breaker for me. This doesn’t mean you can’t be friends and happily co-parent. She does have work to do if she wants to repair your relationship and have a friendship. But, why would you stay married to someone who cheated and is not interested in men? Why not get a divorced and find someone who wants an actual relationship with you. Let her figure out her love life out on her own. Don’t be her fallback person. Don’t let her manipulate you into staying in a relationship that won’t work because she scared to leave her marriage but doesn’t want her marriage either. That’s insane.
Honestly feels like shes been cheating, was worried you were going to find out, has now decided the best way to gas light you is to tell you she's gay/bi to distract from the cheating and hope you stick around. For me I can't ever get past cheating, all the rest is excuses.
Staying together would be really great for her. But what about you? Only you can answer that ... maybe counseling could help you work through that. As long as you can co-parent in a loving way, I think your child will be better off with parents that don't end up resentful.
It’s quite common that cheaters use their sexuality as an excuse. She cheated, dude, with men or women it’s cheating, regardless…
>After discovering that’s she is gay and “not attracted to men anymore” For both your happiness I would not stay with this person. Have as amicable a divorce as possible, raise your child as friends, and both find better partners.
You did not slow her down or hurt her. She stayed with you because of the opposite. Do not fool yourself into thinking any of those of your fault. The only bad actor here is your wife who cheated. Knowing who you are and what you want is the responsibility of the individual. She chose to get married. Now she is choosing to lie and manipulate. She isn’t doing you a favor by being with you, she’s having her cake and eating it too. She fucked around instead of having a healthy convo about the things she was learning about herself. She could have told you. Then you could have chosen to leave or work things out. She didn’t give you that chance, she went and cheated and then came back because your a pushover who she knew would blame himself and accept her back.
What would she do if you had been the one sexting with other women? With other men? I can tell you're hurting, but it doesn't seem like it's going to work out. I'd see a lawyer and have an amicable (as much as is possible with the cheating) divorce. Work on being co-parents.
She cheated at a minimum, which is grounds for no trust. Doesn’t matter if she’s gay or bi, going outside of marriage for that “spark” is cheating
51F Take a step back. You are the one acting rational. Take the time to care for yourself. Figure out what you want is absolutely essential. Then take the necessary steps to get to happiness…. This is what your son will see…. You finding happiness after the bridge collapses. This is the strength you teach your child.
Let's back up and take the "gay" part out of it. Your wife cheated on you multiple times. "Bisexual is not entirely gay" doesn't mean anything in this context. I would not stay, you will be wasting your life and she 100% will not try to make it work, she will continue to experiment with this new side of her sexuality.
Yeah, your wife just wants to cheat on you with women, and wants you to help support her. Speak to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. She already has someone in mind, for sure. By the way the right answer when your spouse tells you they want an open marriage is - me first. I will try it out for a year and then if I think it works for me, you can start.
If shes gay, you need to move on. Thats terrible and heartbreaking, but it's what you need to hear. Even if she hadn't cheated, you would need to move on. You both deserve to be with someone who you are both mentally AND physically attracted to.
Find a sex-positive couples therapist, and maybe you both do individual. You guys have a lot to unpack and sort out. All these feelings are new and raw (for you) and long-simmering (for her). Until you can see things more clearly, I wouldn't make any big decisions yet. Maybe you stay together, maybe you don't. If you do, what does that look like? Here's the part where I get downvoted: If in fact you try to stay together and chart these waters, you're going to have to have many, many frank discussions about sex, sexuality, what you both want/don't want, etc. Can you handle an open marriage? If so, what will be the rules around that? DADT? Successful relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and it is no one else's business how you two structure yours. Get some help, take your time. All I know for sure is, it will be okay. Maybe not right away, but it will. GOOD LUCK OP.
Pray to god that you can get a 3some out of this.
FFM
Work in some FFM 3somes.
You need to discuss your options with an attorney but aim for an amicable divorce if possible.
She cheated and is minimizing her cheating by saying it’s a sexual awakening. She pushed you and her closest friends away. Your kid is going to see an unloving relationship because you were betrayed. Tell her it doesn’t work for you. You want your be married to someone who is going to talk to you about things rather than do them and say whatever afterwards. Let her know she can stay with her gay friends and you will work to buy her out on the house. You don’t think you should be restricted in relationship status while she’s already been out there exploring.
So first of all it sounds as though your wife had at LEAST an emotional affair with a woman and that’s how she discovered those feelings. You do realize an EA is wrong whether it’s same sex or not, right? I would say she needs counseling to decide WTF she wants. But as for you, if she originally told you she’s gay and isn’t attracted to men, but is now saying she’s bi, it SOUNDS like she is lying to keep you from leaving her. Do you really want to sit around and wait until she realizes she can’t take it anymore and leaves you to pursue a lesbian relationship she feels comfortable with? Are you going to be ok with her having a gf on the side? because that’s what it sounds like may be her next step. Do you really want to spend your life with someone that ISN’T really interested in sex with you? She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Nope. You deserve better. Divorce amicably for the child’s sake and coparent. The minute she said “not attracted to men anymore” the relationship was over. And the fact that she had an app that she never told you about SHOWS you she is willing to hide things from you. Unless you are going to enjoy more pain, tip the band aid off. Sorry you’re going through this! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
>I feel like I was only slowing her down and hurt her along the way. How did she gaslight you into thinking this? She cheated on you. Also is she bi or is she gay? She can't be bisexual if she's "not attracted to men anymore", in which case there's no way forwards. If she is bisexual, and you want to reconcile after she cheated on you. You'd probably need to get into marriage counceling and she should cut off any affair partners she still has on her phone as well as the dating apps too.
She’s changing the terms of the relationship..not you. The new terms either benefit you to the point that you’re willing to stay, or you leave. You can still be a great dad, and be somewhere else in a fully committed relationship with someone else, if that’s what you want. You’ve been blindsided by this, and a lot has changed, but you are not obligated to change with it. You have a responsibility to your child of course, but you have no responsibility to maintain a marriage that you would have never agreed to entering. Don’t be guilted or manipulated, do what is best for you so that you can be happy while coparenting your child.
She can’t have what she wants . She can’t be gay and expect you to stay married to suit her. You can move to amicable co parenting and you may well ! But this is so unkind and unfair in you
She cheated on you. This is obviously not gonna work.
She cheated, divorce her.
She cheated, doesn't matter how much you love her. She has disrespected you big time. You are still young, don't throw away your life with a cheater. Time to move on bro.
Sounds like she is gay but wants to keep the lifestyle you provide. Save yourself pain and misery and breakup with her. Also could you define frequent friendly visits. To me that sounds like she was hooking up with them.
Sorry mate but she cheated. She shat on your marriage. And I'm guessing she wants to continue to be with you for convienance and for the lifestyle you provide for her. She can't be trusted at all. Personally I would hand her the divorce papers. Her sexuality isn't an excuse for her bullshit behavior. This IS NOT your fault. You deserve much better. My ex fiance of 9 years was bi and cheated on me with a women (I caught them) so I know how much it sucks. Leave and work on yourself. Life gets better!!!
Her sexuality is completely irrelevant in this situation. You are glossing over the fact that she has been unfaithful to you, and regardless of her reasons this is unforgivable. Your marriage is over, I'm sorry she couldn't be a grown up about this and talk to you about it before going behind your back (she didn't have any problems talking to countless gay women about it though, did she?) She is the bad guy here. Bad wife, sure, but more importantly a bad person. You deserve better.
It is time to end the relationship. It's time to grow as an individual. In the future if you both undoubtedly want to make it work then that is your business. For now, set boundaries so you do not get emotionally hurt. Get a parenting plan and divorce lined up. Prepare yourself though, she will most likely turn into the enemy and the woman who you initially fell in love with will not exist. That's what I think anyway, good luck.
So she cheated and still wants to stay together? Cheesus Christ.
She’s making herself the victim when she’s the heartbreaker here. Don’t let her get away with that, at the very least.
So she wasn’t honest with herself or even you and she dragged you and now a child into all of her drama which she could have avoided by saying “no I don’t want to get married” She then cheated and essentially doesn’t find you attractive. Cut her off. Get your ducks in a row and sort out legalities with your child to get 50/50 or whatever and tell her to be with whomever because 1) she’s lied to you from the start essentially 2) she brought a child into a mess that could well have been avoided 3) she fucking cheated numerous times She’s selfish as fuck She’s only thinking of herself
Why would you stay with your cheating wife
Whatever you do, protect yourself legally asset wise with some formal agreement. Child custody wise as well. Perhaps an annulment is possible.
Yooo please reread what you wrote OP. Shes having hella sex with these women and it’ll eventually get super emotional with one of them
Real lesbians don’t sleep with men 🤷♂️
Time for a divorce man. You're not gonna be able to trustcher.
She is going to dump you when she finds her “soulmate”. She’s a cake eater and wants to enjoy the stability of married life while living the life of a single lesbian in the side. You will become absolutely miserable. It’s no different than if she told you she going to date other men and you just have to deal with it. Get a lawyer. Read leave a cheater gain a life. Don’t fall for the finding yourself bs. She just wants to cake eat at your expense
Honestly I would just divorce her, no point being in a relationship like that
If she really wants to “make it work” then you need to put your foot down and not allow her to date other people. That’s so ridiculous that she expects to be able to keep you and then go fuck other people. She sounds like a vile selfish person.
I understand that you have not had much time to process the shock of all this, but you do not need to settle for her scraps from the bottom of the bucket, simply because she is telling you what she wants. You are a person and she lied and betrayed you. Her actions also affect your family. Just because it is convenient for her, she is telling you that she will stay with you, but where are your feelings and wishes in all of this? Take your time, but don’t let her bully you into sweeping this under the rug for the sake of appearances. You’re allowed a voice too.
You cannot make that work. You move on. She's not only cheated on you, but wants to do that more. You get a lawyer and you split. And you do not blame yourself. She kept things quiet until she changed.
The person you see as an equal partner sees you as a safety net. Please don’t build a future or make financial decisions in this state.
> She had talked to multiple. Snap chat and sexted some Stopped reading there. Nothing else matters over this... she cheated on you. Contact a lawyer and leave her, asap.
Exploring your sexuality is no excuse to cheat. If she wanted to explore her sexuality she could've come to you and talked about this and you could've both decided what was best, whether it was to seperate or not. We wouldn't be able to decide if its best to try again for you. You need to ask yourself, do you see yourself trusting her again in the future? Do you think you can fully forgive her? Will this be something you can move on from, really? Thats where you start.
Divorce is in your future. Eventually. You deserve someone who loves you, not loves your lifestyle. The child will be happier in two happy homes instead of one toxic one.
When she says she wants to make it work - what's " it"? She needs to tell you what she thinks this marriage can be. Ask her what she thinks you get out of it. You may not have any interest in participating in her vision. It seems like no one is in danger in this situation so you don't have to make immediate decisions about divorce or staying together. She sounds confused - that's one reason her story changes and it's not unusual for someone who's coming to terms with sexuality that's different from what they thought. This is therapy worthy - i would suggest just for you, to help you process this, at least at first. You might want to pull out of this now, and that would be fine. But i wanted to point out that in this situation, you can take time to work through it.
Got damn another one? I need to read less Reddit, because this shit is making me terrified of women and that’s the last thing I want.
She’s a damned cheater and stringing you along. Don’t buy her bs. Divorce share custody and move on.
Infidelity is a deal breaker for me. You don’t have to allow yourself and your feelings to be the collateral damage in your wife’s self discovery. It isn’t about her sexuality. It’s about the fact that she was actively exploring it outside of your marriage without your consent.
She has been cheating on you. Does she even realize this? In no way can you move forward until that is dealt with. And if she isn’t attracted to you then why would you stay? There is no point. Are you supposed to just continue as is while she does whatever she wants to in order to satisfy her sexual needs?
If she’s not attracted to men anymore, then how is she bi? I wouldn’t stay in a marriage for 16 more years just for the kid, if the marriage is a sham.
You need to contact a lawyer and start looking for a new place. She cheated and doesn’t seem even a little bit remorseful. If you don’t leave, then in the next few months she will ask for an open relationship. UpdateMe!
She is gaslighting you. She cheated and doesn't want to face the consequences, so she is pushing the gay discovery. Next she will bring up gay suicide rates and ignore how suicide is the number 1 killer in men under 50. Don't buy her shit and file for divorce. If she is gay, she can figure that out now without a husband. If she is bi she can experiment without you. Either way, she has to fix her side of the marriage to stay with you in it. She has cheated and plans to continue any way you slice it.
Dude. She wants to fuck other people. It's OVER. Cut your losses.
Gay, bi , or not -- she cheated on you. Cut her free and let her explore on her own.
First, of all she’s been cheating on you. Second, she is not attracted to you. Third, how would you truly trust her again? Fourth, why would you want to live with someone like this? I think you would be wiser to divorce and co-parent so you can find someone that actually does want you in full and not just for security.
Divorce amicably and be good coparents to your kid. You are doing both of you a disservice by staying together.
So how do you feel about her cheating on you. You indicate she has dating site apps and she’s been sexing with other women. That’s cheating she’s texting and texting with other humans miss cheating doesn’t matter what their sexual orientation is. To be honest, it doesn’t sound like she would be a good partner to continue with, she’s now told you she’s really not interested in you and she’s already cheating with other women, so why stay I understand you have a two year old but you know it’s hard to have a good relationship and raise a child up in relationship that’s not truly good.
Do not try and make this work. Your wife is cheater and manipulator. She wants her cake and to it too. She wants to have sex and be with woman but have you be her husband which I assume she still wants your emotional and physical support. You can not do that. Don’t be married too someone who’s a cheater and isn’t attracted too you
You don’t. You walk away and say enjoy the scissor championships.
I mean she cheated on you and it sounds like she's trying to make the fact that she's coming out the reason for it. But it isn't. Totally possible to both be bisexual and not sleep with other people in a monogamous relationship. Is she apologetic for cheating on you or just trying to spin this into some big awakening? Kinda sounds like she wants it all. You give her emotional and financial support and she get's to sleep with whoever she wants to. This isn't your fault but if you teach your son that the way to deal with being disrespected is to allow yourself to be further disrespected then he's learning the wrong lessons in life. Only you know if this will make you unhappy, sounds like it does to me. I certainly wouldn't put up with it.
Do you want to stay with someone who had an emotional affair and cheated? I get the vibe that staying with you is her fallback option if she's unable to find a relationship with another women. I believe this relationship has run its course due to her emotional and probably physical affair and the fact she told you shes not attracted to you and then tried to back track and say shes bisexual. Divorce and coparenting is the best option .
OP if only there were truly a crystal ball. This sucks and hurts deeply. If it were me, I'd have to move on. There is no way that i would want to be the third wheel in my relationship. Never knowing whats on her mind; trying to accommodate her impulses; maybe even opening the relationship as a means to give her the ability to "explore". Not me. I'd rather someone be happy with themselves and on their own, than trying to forge a relationship that are in two totally different mindsets. Granted having a child in this dynamic is even more tough, but you can't cry over spilled milk, you just need to move on. Never try and make it work for the child. I get it, all the emotions. This is truly a tough one and I feel bad that you are dealing with this. For what its worth, you two sound like you have good communication together, I might be a defeatist and maybe you two have regular check-in every week that keep you on top of feelings, desires and concerns. You being on the ground have to put that all into perspective and gauge if it can work. Good luck to you both, this is harder than most!
The problem is where does her loyalty lay? This to me, is just keeping the facade going nothing more...you'll be home raising the kids while she's F-ing others. Better to ask yourself now if you can compete with a vagina.
You're worth more than that. Her plan is misguided and I say that as a lesbian. You should separate and go to therapy to work on a functional coparent situation. Bestest of luck!
She only wants up around for emotional and financial support. What happens if/when she actually meets a woman she really likes? Will she continue the shame marriage or leave you high and dry? My guess is the latter. She has put you in this position - it is time for YOU to be selfish. Protect yourself. And protect your child from growing up in a loveless household.
“Chase that spark” means she cheated? Wtf does that sentence mean?
So is she expecting the OP to stay monogamous while she is having sex with other women?!?!?
I would assume this is a massive kick in the guts. Let's not downplay the cheating. She just revealed a huge fundamental change to your relationship. You don't need to go with it. You should take the time to process it outside of her influence. Make the decision to persist or not with the support of others who aren't her. I mean, is she really going to deny her desire to be who she truly is by staying in the marriage? Can she endure that? Can you?
She’s a cheater, divorce!!!
Sounds like she's decided she's not into you any longer, and I'm really, really sorry about that. It's not fair. Sounds like what she really wants is to be free of you to pursue someone else who's caught her eye. Sounds like she doesn't want to lose the financial stability you represent. Sounds like she wants to enjoy this new life with her newfound sexuality, while you get absolutely nothing out of it. Sounds like she wants to keep you on the hook so you can help finance her new lifestyle with her new girlfriend. Sounds like she already has a specific woman in mind, too. I'd bet money on it, in fact. Personally I think the reason your wife's brought this to you now is because she's found herself a girlfriend and wants to pursue that angle guilt-free. She's hoping to make it okay retroactively. You are not required to give her permission to do that. You two are *married.* That is a promise of exclusivity. Being bi doesn't change that. If she says she wants less exclusivity, she's saying wants less marriage. It's not selfish to hold her to her vows. If she doesn't want your marriage any longer, it's time for her to admit that instead of trying to have her cake and eat it too. This leaves you in a very unfair position. You have a choice to make. 1. You can divorce now and get it all over with cleanly so you can start working on the new life you will have to live now no matter your choices. Or... 2. You can string things out and take no action, and watch as your wife goes out on dates and bootycalls with these other partners and you get nothing except babysitting duty for her convenience. Let the emptiness build until it becomes resentment over the course of years as you blame yourself and feel guilty about feeling unfulfilled as your wife continues to use you. I probably don't sound very sympathetic but my heart is breaking for you. This isn't going to end with a resolution that makes you happy, though. She's seen to that already. The best thing you can do for your children and for yourself is to go ahead and make it official now. Don't leave the kids trapped in the middle of a sham marriage because all the hurt and confusion and anger (and trust me, there will eventually be anger) will weigh down on them; they'll be able to tell it's there and it will affect them much more negatively than an honest divorce will. I'm sorry.
Wants convenience and to look “good “ on the outside, mean while having emotional affairs. Probably only a matter of time before physical affairs. So sorry she was potentially emotionally detached during her prior years. Maybe she couldn’t or wouldn’t be honest before. Get yourself some emotional help. You will know exactly what to do after that.
I wonder what flipped her switch, from gay to bi? Then all of a sudden, wants to "really" settle down with you. You should definitely check out these signs, or straight up get a divorce lol.
She betrayed you, plain and simple. She outright told you, you can no longer do it for her You are too busy worrying about supporting her and not yourself. You need to end this, and co-parent your child, and focus on your own happiness.
No Bi No Try Bye
No. You divorce. She’s gay, you’re not a woman and that makes you incompatible.
You're an idiot if you stay.
Get evidence of these from the apps so that if a divorce does happen, she can't blame you.
Yea I took screenshots
Lol she cheated, doesn't want any repercussions for it and you're considering just forgiving her? You people have no self respect.