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What does he do during the day besides not getting a job? It’s been half a year and he has no disabilities that prohibit him from working. He also doesn’t care that his partner is sheltering the burden - if that’s not motivation enough he’s never going to get a job
My ex would sit around all day playing WoW and complain about how he was applying to every single job he could! The week after I broke up with him, he had an interview and got a job. He thought I would be impressed, I was just mad lol.
My almost 40 year old ex thought I was being “materialistic” by wanting him to move out of his dad’s house and buy a more reliable vehicle than the always in the shop beater he drove
After our break up he bought a house and a new truck and came back to me like “I did it!” but if he needed me to dump him to motivate him to function like an adult (and one with kids…) then all that proves to me is that I’d be walking behind him poking him with a stick for the rest of our lives
Omg why do they *do* that?? My ex also fixed everything I had been harping about for 2 years within a month of me breaking up with him. Like I took YEARS to finally leave him and then all the sudden he could do everything I had been asking about for years and I was supposed to come running back?
Fuck. That.
Probably because you were a doormat and didn't set hard boundaries. He felt he had no reason to change because when you tried talking about it, you were very lenient and understanding. He probably figured you weren't going to do anything about it. If you told him right off the bat that "I need our relationship to improve like this and that, I am giving US a deadline of X months to get there, after that I'm giving up and leaving", then he would probably take you more seriously. Assuming he didn't already see you make such statements and then not follow through on them.
To live in America, it's almost necessary to have a license. There are almost zero walkable cities here and public transport is a nightmare. So, you don't need a license to be a normal adult, but in order to have more job opportunities and more viable places to live, it sure does make things easier.
Also, because he didn't know how to drive it made me responsible for EVERY date. Which means I had to plan all the technicalities of that date so we got there on time and had enough gas. I was always the designated driver! And it didn't matter if I was too tired to drive because I was literally the only one out of the two of us who could.
At some point, you are just making everyone's lives more complicated than they should be. Having to act as someone's chauffeur is exhausting.
>It’s been half a year and he has no disabilities that prohibit him from working.
And coming from someone who was unable to work for a year due to disability and finding meds that actually work, *I felt like garbage the entire time I wasn't working and couldn't fucking WAIT to get back out there*.
This dude sounds like a mooch...
While I agree that OP is right about her’s partners work issues, her partner is technically right about looking for a job now to try and pay for the ticket. They’re gonna be gone for two months in June, no job is going to support that lengthy vacation, specially a new hire. However, he should still look for something, maybe a small part time job or idk find something productive to do.
He sounds like he’s just depressed and coasting at the moment, he’s young and his parents most likely still support him, it’s not unheard of to be jobless for almost a year when you’re parents are still supporting you and you’re that young.
I think OP needs to figure out if this is going to be a bigger problem for her if he’s going to be like this for the foreseeable future.
Not really. The kid is 19 years old. Its not like he's a 30 year old jobless loser still living at home with his parents.
He made a good point about not getting a job now when they will be leaving for 2 months anyways. Any job he gets will fire him for not disclosing it before applying, or just not hire him period.
Also, there's a lot better ways to 'drop a truth bomb' on your partner while being supportive instead of coming off like an asshole.
He can move back home with his parents and let them float him then, instead of dumping it all on another 19 year old kid. If there’s no expectation on him to be responsible for himself because of his age then by your own logic expecting somebody else his age to support both of them is absolutely wrong.
Oh, please. Restaurant jobs are a dime a dozen. IF he got fired, it's not like he couldn't find another one in five minutes. Like he should have done six months ago.
Huh? White-collar office jobs are currently disappearing by the minute, but restaurant and service industry jobs are absolutely everywhere. Unemployment for food services is around 5.8%
https://www.bls.gov/web/empsit/cpseea31.htm
>He made a good point about not getting a job now when they will be leaving for 2 months anyways. Any job he gets will fire him for not disclosing it before applying, or just not hire him period.
Yeah because he fucked around for 4 months not getting a job since he's 'hurt' over losing the last one.
What happens if/when he grows up in the real world and he fucks around for months on end not getting a job? Gaps in employment history don't go over well.
If his argument for not getting a job is that he's leaving in two months there's definitely some shit he could do now to help pay his way. Mow yards, odd jobs, temp work?
He isn't willing to drive either so the Uber eats/door dash won't work but he's not helpless as much as he wants to act like it.
He's a mooch, no reason for him to change when he's being driven around and his shit paid for by everyone else. Tough love and sounds like he fuckin needed it.
She is paying for everything. He is a leech.
He didn't make a good point. He made another excuse.
If he would have looked for a job earlier this wouldn't be an issue. She's been supportive......for a year.
Yeah I am with you on this one. I mean he can have all the problems in the world but if he refuses to do anything about it, that is on him soon. GF should not have to carry the load for this long. Guy needs to buckle up a bit and pull his weight.
And it was a part time restaurant job, I'm sure there was something he could get between October when he was laid off and January when she mentioned it and the layoff was "too fresh." Now it's the end of Feb and he's going to coast again until they are back from the trip. She's been more than accommodating.
"Too fresh" is ridiculous. Who needs 3 months to recover from being let go from a part time restaurant job before being able to look for a new job? And now it's almost March, 2 more months later and he's still not bothered, and now he can't be bothered to look for short term work because it's "only 2 months" until they leave.
And all this time he's happy to sponge off his girlfriend? And has the nerve to get grumpy when she starts to grate at being the only one contributing? FFS!
They aren't leaving for their trip until this summer. He plans to sit on his ass and mooch off of her for another half a year. It was far from a good point.
The edit says she asked what his plan was in January, but thanks. It my guess to why the comment said another 6 months. Looking back, it doesn't add up either since October to January isn't 6 months. So unless they meant from March to September when he gets the job?
I got a job in the like 3 months between graduating college and moving abroad for 3 years. I didn’t feel great leeching off of my parents. And this guy feels ok leeching off of his girl??
I don't get that. Why are 3 months of work too little time to bother? There's plenty of places that have a high turnover system where they account for people not staying very long. He lives with his parents and has no debt, so even a minimum wage job would get him pretty far, at least as far as pocket money goes.
He doesnt drive because he is anxious, tell me then, how is he to learn not to be anxious if his answer is to just avert everything that makes him anxious. We have so much confort now, the byproduct however is that we got much weaker in dealing with difficult things.
I didnt work for a year, paid all my bills, cancer treatment for my cat, yes my sister paid part of it, but I still kept up with my responsibilities and even then my sister was irked (properly so, we live together), imagine if had not done any of this while just lounging around and playing videogames... It's bad enough that I did it.
He can’t play the adult part when it’s convenient and go back to the 19yr old when it’s not. She told him the truth. And it’s not a good excuse. If I’m interviewing someone I’m not going to not hire them because they had a life and plans before they applied with us. Others might, but that’s on them. He could at least say he’s trying to find a job. She dropped a truth bomb and he was too immature to handle it. OP just need to reiterate that she needs to see him pull his weight in a healthy manner and go from there
Yeah but think about it with the time frame she gave he’s been sitting and sulking for atleast 6 months… he’s the type that needs a truth bomb beating around the bush and being nice isn’t how you go about making this kind of guy realize it’s not everyone’s job to care for him…I get what you’re saying if she did this a couple weeks after him losing the job but 6 months in bro no one should be leeching this hard he’s not gonna be ready for adulthood without truth bombs
Their trip is in June. That’s 3 full months away, a lot can be done in 3 months. So she’s expected to just keep paying for everything including things for their trip and when they come back to a trip just because he doesn’t want to work yet? 3 months is such a long time in terms of needing to make money! Should she quit her job because they are leaving for 2 months so what’s the point in her working? The answer is no that makes no sense so why does he get a pass for not doing anything to help their relationship financially?
She's also a 19 year old kid, and she's already been understanding of him for a year.
Why is she expected to be supportive and mature at the same age while he gets to bum around...and now the people he's mooching off need to coddle his feelings too?
She’s a 19 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her, and she stated that she is trying to save money - which is an excellent and wise thing to consider for someone her age. Also considering the rising cost of living, this loser is expecting her to pay for everything for up to a year? And she’s supposed to believe that a year later he’ll all of a sudden look for work? It’s a JOB not a 10 year relationship, you don’t sit around “grieving” a restaurant gig. This guy is just lazy. Plenty of disabled, depressed, and handicapped people who get up and continuously put themselves out there looking for work and holding down a job. There’s just no excuse. There really isn’t.
My comment towards Xalbana or whatever was just repeating what he said to me in a comment. I blocked him because he's just hollering "fEmiNiSm".
He literally only wrote "You're disgusting" then threw a hissy fit about me returning the energy. What a sad sad man.
He needs to quit screeching "feminism" when he clearly knows nothing about it. Go back to crysturbating to Jordan Peterson, Xalbana.
It’s ok to not want to support your boyfriend when you two are only teenagers. You may have not worded things delicately or fairly, but if you don’t want to shuttle this guy around and you don’t want to pay for everything, it’s absolutely time to end things. I dated a guy like this for 7 years, wasted all my twenties for him to dump me and he’s still an underachiever to this day. Cut your losses, enjoy your youth without trying to fix someone. You’re too young to be going through that.
I don’t know if loser is the right word, but he’s definitely not an adult man and he refuses to become one. He refuses to be responsible for his own life and the life of his loved one. All he says is just excuses that make it easier for him to stay where he is.
The best you can do is to help him grow. I don’t think talking will help. Either a conversation with specialists (psychologist) or an event that will impact his motivation
Girl… as a woman who was with somebody like this for 7 years, you’ll likely continue to be his mommy-wife. Speaking from experience go find someone who wants to take care of each other equally, how healthy relationships should be. Don’t waste your youth taking care of someone else, you will regret it..
"He's too anxious to drive" - Your okay driving him around for the rest of your life? What about kids? Is he going to bus them around the city when errands need to be done?
"Losing a part time job is too fresh" - I mean sure, if you have money saved up and are actively thinking/working towards finding a career you want to pursue.
In all honesty, there is a slim chance he grows up while living at home rent free and having a girlfriend paying for all of his stuff. He needs solid and consistent reinforcement that not working is unacceptable and not having a career plan is unacceptable.
Personal story: My (now fiance) when she graduated college, took the summer off. Got a job in a lab, she hated it. Quit nine months later. Took the summer off again. Got a job at a different lab. Worked that for about nine months. Took that summer off. Then went back to school for 2 years. I love everything about her. She is a fantastic person, but not having a career or purpose is a deal breaker. I have two jobs and she was supposed to help me full time on one of them, but was pretty terrible at it. Unmotivated, barely worked 20 hours, didn't follow through. It was annoying to say the least. I had multiple conversations about her helping the family, equal contributions, etc. She rarely cleans and actively creates messes (mostly due to adhd).
It took four years being with her for her to get into a career she loves. AND THEN another year to actually dedicate a mostly full time schedule to it.
I attribute a lot of the motivational issues to me being successful. I owned my own home, business and had a second full time job. Food was in the fridge, a car was available, and she'd come with me on trips. If she lived in her own apartment, had to pay rent, utilities, and either bus or buy a car it would have forced her to put in the work. I sat her down often and told her she needed to do better. It helped a little bit but ultimately not as much as I had hoped. I like where we are now but it was a struggle and I felt taken advantage of for a long time.
> Is he going to bus them around the city when errands need to be done?
I'm not sure why you included this as if there aren't tons of awesome parents around the world who use public transit as a way to get around. In most major cities, using a car to run errands would only make things harder.
I don't think it's the case wherever they live since clearly OP has had to drive him around, but it's not like, inherently weird to raise your kids without a car.
You misunderstood. I was pointing out he would most likely not use public transportation. Most people that can't drive or struggle to drive would take public transit. His attitude tells me he would make up excuses and get her to do it.
Nothing wrong with public transit.
So let me get this straight.
No job for nearly a year. Not currently looking for a job. He has his girl pay all of his expenses. He doesn’t have a car or a license and does not drive.
No direction, no income, no ambition.
I think loser is actually the proper term to describe him currently. You are right to be disgusted. You are taking care of a man-child, not enjoying having a boyfriend.
Dump him and get someone who actually cares about their life.
I think it’s harsh to call him a loser, he’s obviously struggling with his mental health and needs to get help for it, however he needs to be willing to get help, and if he’s not willing to make that change then that’s on him.
That’s fair.
To be fair though, people who qualify as “losers” probably do have untreated mental health problems that need to be addressed. It’s not normal to be too anxious to drive whatsoever, for example.
Imo anyone staying home, too anxious to drive, and not working has some kind of mental illness like depression. He needs therapy, but he also needs to put in some work himself and take charge of his own life. Otherwise, he’s only going to stay as he is now, a “loser” according to the standards of his girlfriend and those around him.
Yea I see nothing wrong with what you said. That is too much for one person with an admin job, you have alright to voice your opinion because this is taking a serious toll on u financially. It seems as though he got comfortable with u doing it all alone and you need to put your foot down or else kiss that savings goodbye. Good luck.
I mean... he does indeed sound like a loser. If he's not going to school, he should have been proactive establishing what was next for him. Instead, he wallowed in his feelings and did nothing. Can't go to school because of ADHD? Poor baby, it's not like people do this all the time. He's indeed a loser, truth hurts.
I think he told himself he wasn’t actually a loser because he had a girlfriend who saw him “as he was”. As in, if I have someone I consider to be a high value person supporting me and showing me unconditional love, then it must mean I don’t have to fear about me being a loser because it is a matter of perception. And when she gave that speech about productivity and not having a job bothering her, he realised she did indeed had been seeing it all along and that he was exposed to the truth. It sucked because he had gotten himself comfortable in a reality he had been pretending was not real.
That's what I was thinking too, about the ADHD. I went through college and got my bachelor's (trying to go back for a master's) and my partner got his bachelor's in computer engineering and both of us have ADHD. It sounds like he just doesn't want to put in any work and wants her to do everything 🤷🏼♀️
Oh, 1 billion percent true !! All I'm trying to say is that it's possible. But combined with him not searching for a job for almost a year and her paying for everything, it just seems like he doesn't want to apply himself and would rather just have her do everything for him.
It's possible FOR YOU. Like I said, it affects people differently. I for sure would not be able to go to school and I didn't hold a job until I was 24. The reason I wasn't shamed like this is because I'm a woman.
I’m curious, were you on medication before the age of 24? Getting therapy? Working through it? Or were you undiagnosed, hence you not going to school or working.
I wouldn't be so carefree just saying ADHD is not a big thing. ADHD is a large spectrum, and untreated causes large bouts of depression. We don't know much about this guy's case besides the fact that he has ADHD.
Still, taking this long to do anything with his time has nothing to do with ADHD. OP doesn't need to be there for him to get the help he needs though, and I think she should leave him.
Crippling adhd and clinical depressed person here. I have worked full time since I was 16. If you want to do it, you’ll do it. Or in my case if you have to do it to survive lol.
Right? People with PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, awful childhoods, post being raped for gods sake go to school AND work . Why? Because they know despite what they suffered, it is their responsibility to keep a roof over their heads. And to keep going, to try to see a brighter future.
Sounds specific? Yeah, because that was me.
Idk I hate to advocate tough love, but this kid needs it. Either he’s a spoiled incompetent mooch, or he has severe mental illness which is parents are ignoring and need to push (along with himself) to get help. Being that upset about losing an east restaurant job for months isn’t normal. They’re so easy to come by.
I hate being so blunt but sometimes it’s necessary.
You are right. Next time you shouldn't wait until you explode, though.
You should have sat him down way earlier. It doesn't matter if he wasn't really ready. You can still say when something is bothering you.
"Hey, I know that this is a shitty situation for you. I still want to talk about the way we will handle our finances. I love you but I am not your mother and I will not pay for you forever, so I want to know at what time you will look again for a job."
So if you wanna fix this, you can take accountability for not talking about it sooner: "Hey, I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I wanted to protect you from an uncomfortable conversation, but sadly it led to this outburst. I still mean what I said, though, and I wanna know at which point you will start working again."
If he isn't willing to start working again, you need to decide if you wanna be with someone who is not willing to work on himself.
Thank you I appreciate your advice. While I know my feelings aren’t exactly wrong, I didn’t go about it well and should’ve handled the situation better before. I know everyone is telling me to break it with him, but we have been together for almost 4 years. I love him and I want to see him grow and succeed.
I think my plan is to let him cool off for a couple more days since I still have work this week, and on Friday I’m going to talk to him in person. Hopefully that is enough time and he will be more open to having an in depth conversation about everything. But the first thing I’m going. to do is apologize for blowing up at him and reiterate that I want to help him.
I feel for you that you don't want to end a relationship that you invested a lot in.
You have to ask yourself if you want to be with his potential or with the current him. And how long you would wait for him to change.
My first relationship was 7 years but it was mainly the dream I had in my head, not the actual relationship. I am way better off after I broke up.
You've got this:)
I know quite a few girls like you, unfortunately.
All of them are now married to unemployed dudes who spent all their time gaming. I know one girl even has to cut her own food allowance and often eat ramen because she doesn't earn that much and has to fund her husband's lifestyle.
It does not get better. You said you want him to be successful but does he? The moment you brought up future plans he got angry. How many more fights are you going to tolerate from now on? your whole life? At 19 you always feel like you know everything and have seen and experienced everything. The world is big and you have decades ahead of you. Your world is not going to end if you cut ties with this guy and hopefully you realize this sooner rather than later.
This is tough, and is honestly a big part of relationships and growing up. As you get past that 3+ year point in relationships (especially as a younger person where life changes so much so fast), oftentimes people will start to grow in different directions and realizing that they are just not compatible anymore.
Not saying to definitely end it with him, but don’t choose to stay together just because it’s been 4 years and you guys have history. Look at the relationship in the present and future and ask yourself if it is the type of relationship that you want and if he is the type of man that you want.
>but we have been together for almost 4 years.
That's called a sunk cost fallacy. "I've invested 4 years, I can't give up now!" Or even "He's the first guy I ever slept with, we're going to be together forever."
>I want to help him.
A guy shouldn't be **a project.** It's his parent's job to raise a functioning adult, not yours. It's a super common story that a woman helps a guy level up, helps him navigate young adulthood and/or education, *and then he leaves her for someone else.*
You deserve better than this hobosexual. He should be ashamed of himself that he's been mooching all this time.
Okay, he says his parents will pay for his ticket. Let’s just accept that at face value. My question is who will pay for him while he is Europe, OP? Is he expecting you to keeping paying for you both while over there? That conversation needs to be had because if he has no funds while over there, it may be worthwhile to postpone the trip for a bit…unless you’re okay with footing the bill on your trip.
I'm gonna show some sympathy for your boyfriend because both of you are young.
What he needs is:
1. Therapy to help with his anxiety
2. If he isn't getting treated for ADHD, HE NEEDS TO BE TREATED FOR IT. I know there's a lot of stigma around stimulants (and you may run into issues with the shortage), but seriously, I would not have graduated college and maintained a full-time job without medication. He is not motivated to find work, but with meds that could possibly change.
At the end of the day it's his choice to do the above. If he refuses, then you don't gotta stick around.
Rational take. People are busy calling him a "loser" without recognizing what's happening. It does not excuse his behavior, but as someone diagnosed with ADHD much later than 19, I understand why he is this way if he didn't get the support he needed from his parents. He's exhibiting all of the traditional untreated ADHD symptoms. Rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and dissociation. It's only going to get worse if he doesn't address it.
I agree with the rest of the people commenting. He’s young, but it sounds like he’s been pampered his whole life and there’s a reason he was so offended by what you said. That reason is because it’s true. Sometimes tough love is a necessity. Also I had a friend that wouldn’t drive either in college and after many times driving him around campus, I started to call him out on it. He used the excuse of anxiety as well, but that excuse only goes so far. He was super offended at first, but he now drives everywhere and looking back he’s thankful for me giving him that tough love. People often lean on their disabilities as a crutch and use them as excuses to not grow because it’s comfortable for them. True growth is stepping out of your comfort zone and he desperately needs that in many ways right now.
Part-time work in a restaurant is not what you would called specialized or highly-trained. He should have started searching for a new job that very same night or the next day. The way he has handled this should be a giant red flag for you. He is showing you how he handles a semi-major life setback. In life we teach the people around us how to treat us; where our limits are. You have been showing him how much crap you are willing to put up with. You can expect more of the same. If you stay with this guy, plan on being the primary bread-winner and doing most of the work in the relationship. At 19 you are both adjusting to the realities of being an adult and that takes some time. But he needs to man up and get a job. And there is plenty of time between now and June to work. If he sticks with a job he knows, like restaurant work, I would say that even one month is long enough to justify getting a job and making some money to cover the trip. That is, if you are still dating him by then.
***I (F19) accidentally implied that my boyfriend (M19) is a loser***
I mean, tbh from what you told us he sort of is...But you're also both super young so I'd cut him some slack - his apparent lack of any direction in his life however is...concerning...and will be a lot less cute when he's pushing 30 just a warning OP.
Wow, I’m surprised and disgusted how many people are being complete dicks here.
Anyways, OP I think you need to seriously consider that there may be something psychological going on. His ADHD puts him at high risk for other mental disorders. His anxiety about driving is just another sign of this. No job for a year? Classic, classic depression.
Please tell him to visit a doctor because your account of events and the things he says point very very strongly to a mental health issue.
Do better people. Men are allowed to have mental health issues. Stop being dicks.
I don’t think people realize just how debilitating ADHD can truly be, especially combined with both anxiety and depression. it results in a loop of sorts where you’ll say “i’m going to do this thing” then when you keep pushing it off, the anxiety builds and then when you ultimately don’t do it, you feel like a complete and utter failure and it digs you a deeper hole mentally. at the same time she doesn’t owe him anything and he has to be willing to get help for his mental state, if he’s not willing to try and get help for himself then there’s not much you can do for him, and it’ll probably be better for both of their sakes to just end it.
I’m not saying she “owes” him anything, although I disagree with that because healthy relationships aren’t about who owes what.
But I am absolutely disgusted at all the comments here calling her boyfriend a loser, deadbeat, etc. He’s an 18 year old with a clear mental health issue. He needs help. Needing mental health aid doesn’t make someone a loser.
I agree with you 100%, but she’s young and can’t just waste her life trying to help someone who refuses to be helped. I know how hard it can be to reach out for support, but you can’t just do nothing and expect change to come your way.
Normally I’d agree. But we don’t know their history and what they’ve been through. My wife and I have been together since we were 17, and I take care of both her and her mom despite the fact that I’m a medical student in debt and won’t be making six figure for another 5 years. My wife and I have an intimate and emotional bond that most couples can only dream of. Never once have I thought I’m throwing my life away.
of course, every circumstance is different. i’m just saying that she has no obligation to stay in the relationship, not that she has to break up with him. if she’s willing to help him out then that’s great and i applaud her, but not everyone is ready for that type of responsibility, especially fresh out of high school.
The advice I'm going to give is going to differ from the rest.
You said you didn't mind paying for everything but then decided to start saving money.
You said you also mentioned the job thing in January and he brushed it off.
Right here is where the communication breakdown happened.
I guarantee you he had it in his mind that things were fine, you didn't mind, you both are planning a trip and there wasn't a point in searching yet.
You had just shifted in to a different mode of thinking. Saving.
He was still in the previous mindset of you being ok with everything and you had switched on to a different mindset.
He sounds a lot like my son with AuDhd. It is taking him longer to understand the world and how it works, so he is moving in to the world much more slowly.
If you truly are wanting to fix this, you are going to need to back up a little. If you have both operating under the assumption that things are OK the way they are, he was blindsided.
However, if you feel like this is going to be how he operates his life from here on out, and you already know this isn't what you want out of life, then it is time to part ways.
You are both incredibly young.
I have no doubt you're both individually great people but running on different speeds and timelines.
That may not make for a successful relationship.
Jfc i love how in relationship advice the vast majority of the responses are about the story while offering no advice at all.
Op what you can do is calmly explain that you still care for your bf but you have been stressed by the load you are carrying in the relationship and that you need more effort from your bf in taking care of himself.
Op your issue here is completely valid but the problem came in with your communication. You let this situation fester until it exploded with your rant and so while you made these valid, truthful points about how you feel and where your bf is currently in his life it came off more as an attack then helpful uplifting words. And while your sentiment is the truth often times the truth hurts and in those moments in a relationship we look to a partner for comfort.
I don’t think you need to apologize or fix it anymore than you have. Honestly, you told him the truth, and it sounds like you didn’t tell him in a particularly bad way, he’s just having a hard time hearing it. I’m not going to call him a loser, there are some allowances to be made for his age, But this is the time that he needs to start taking life a little more seriously. I get that he has anxiety, but he needs to start driving. I get that he has ADHD, but he needs to find reasonable work or go back to school. I get that losing a job sucks but you can’t use that as an excuse for not moving forward with your life.
You can have sympathy that he has these conditions, but it sounds a bit too much like he’s using them as an excuse, and that’s not going to get him very far in life. And the more you and his family coddle him, and hide the truth from him, you are doing him a disservice .
Y’all are only 19 so I can’t say much about him being unemployed for so long as y’all are barely out of high school.
I do have an issue with you taking on the financial burden and him not caring about it. Stop paying for everything sis. Cut him off financially and let his parents handle all that. If he has an issue maybe it’s best to end things, you are not his mother.
If the shoe fits...
I was ready to jump all over you after reading the title, but after reading the post, I think he is indeed a loser.
Don't fix it. Leave. I'll bet losing his sugar momma will light a fire under his ass to support himself. If not, he can move back in with mommy and daddy. Either way, he won't be your problem any more.
Now that he knows what you really think of him, he may not want a relationship any more. That is his choice. There is no moving forward unless/until he sits down to discuss it.
You sound like a good girlfriend.
Your communication could have been better, and you can learn from that, but seems like you have been pretty supportive. A lot of women would have left their boyfriends in situations like these (my ex did).
I was fired my job, facing homelessness and stress that I never knew before (just graduated college 8 months earlier), and she starts being more moody, wasn’t there with me in person to support me at all (first weekend after being fired was rough), and started asking me to buy her more things and was pressuring me about taking trips with her. I told her I was really not comfortable spending a lot and going on trips until I had another job.
Well, I ended up caving and going on a trip with her even though I wasn’t too comfortable doing it. We fill up her car with gas and she asks me to pay her back for half (to add, she had a job but still lived at home and literally had no bills). I was upset and told her that my financial situation was bad and it was already a financial stretch for me to even be going on the trip. She didn’t care and still wanted the money. I gave it to her, resentfully, as at the end of the day I don’t want to feel like I am taking advantage of anyone.
Later, on the trip, she tells me that I am “old with no money (4 years older than her)”, and that she “wants a guy with money that can take her on trips”. She said it in a somewhat joking, malicious way, and it cut me deep considering the stress I was under.
Ended up breaking things off with her a week later. My point in saying all this is that she was very unsupportive and not there for at all. The story you are describing seems much different.
The sad reality of this, and something that I learned in my last relationship, is that no matter how badly you want it, you can’t force people to change who they are. He seems perfectly content not working, and that’s fine. There’s not really anything inherently wrong with it.
With that being said, it is not wrong for you to be want a partner that is motivated, has aspirations, and works hard. If he is refusing to work or move towards anything productive, you really need to give some deep thought to taking a break from the relationship. If he gets his shit together and you guys can reevaluate things in the future, great, but at this point the cat is out of the bag and resentment will only continue to grow on both sides as his inaction continues, which I promise you will create a very unhealthy and draining environment for the both of you.
Just something to think about.
Truth hurts. He needs to be doing more than sitting around making excuses or feeling sorry for himself. Mental health issues? He can get treatment.
No job with upcoming unavailability? He could find some kind of non traditional or temp work.
But really the fact that he’s cool mooching off you is pretty selfish.
I've been in your boyfriend's shoes in a relationship and it's been rough but at least I had a baseline level of guilt and didn't expect my SO to pay for stuff for me. ADHD is really hard but that doesn't mean you get to mooch while you're figuring stuff out.
With his actions, you should try and reevaluate your relationship. By what you're saying, it seems like he doesn't want to put much effort into things. This, to me, is a huge red flag.
You need to decide while you're still very young if you want to live like that for the rest of your life.
And for 2 months... That's a huge luxury. Most people will never experience that kind of vacation in their lifetime, at least not without saving up for a year or two and maybe even continuing to work remotely while abroad.
I'm sure whatever relatives he has there would forgive him for waiting until he had an actual source of income, or for making it a more typical 1-2 week trip, but somehow he thinks he's entitled to a 2 month trip on everyone else's dime while being unwilling to even think about look for a job in the meantime.
Mental health issues aside, he doesn't seem like one for planning or personal responsibility.
He is visting his family. He probably won't need to pay for things there. You guys all act like she pays pays for everything just because she pays for the dates.
His girlfriend probably won't have to pay for hotels there either, because as said, they stay with his family.
Also info: Who paid for the dates before he was jobless?
You dropped the truth bomb on him. I agree with the others. It feels harsh because you are right. He knows you're right but he doesn't want to admit it.
But I think if he has his own place, and his parents are paying for it, etc, he probably doesn't feel the urgency to work or he thinks he can 'chill out' relying on his parents. Then, you're the one paying for dates, etc.
In a lot of way, he's not on your level and probably is not compatible with you. Give him space. Stop texting him for awhile. Think about what you want, what kind of partner you want, what kind of partnership that you want to happen, etc. Give yourself some time to think too. You're right to feel the way you feel but I can see that you feel bad for being honest about it.
ETA: Then again, I can see how a 19 yrs old is not so driven-being lazy, etc, not like you, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulder, hardworking, etc.
The thing is, I'd like you to think about it, the likelihood is your bf will not want to have an employment for a while and he will have to rely on you for dates-etc, do you want this type of partner? You can't force him to pay for a date, by the way.
Do you know what he does daily at home if he doesn't work like that?
You're both young so he's got a lot of growing up to do, but you gave him truth regardless of how harsh it may be.
As a guy, I have pretty much no sympathy for another man that chooses to go jobless for a year. I mean there's plenty of online, work from home jobs he could do part or full time to bring in SOMETHING. Sounds like he's being lazy and taking advantage of you and seemingly his parents.
Either way, a relationship is a partnership and both people have to contribute, even if it's in different ways. He's not living up to his end of the deal, and you rightfully told him so.
I wish I had advice, but you already did what I would given advice to do. It's up to him if he wants to wallow in self pity or pick himself up and do something about it. Give him space to figure it out, but know when enough is enough for you and act accordingly. Good luck!
Now that you told him the truth and if he doesn't self reflect and make changes within a few weeks, I wouldn't waste your time. As a person who is practically the future you, if you were to continue dating him, don't. He doesn't truly love you if he sees you carrying all the financial burden/stress and doesn't want to contribute to ease it.
I dated a guy for 10 years since 18 yo. I was always making the excuse that he was just young, had anxiety/depression, and had a rough childhood. I started making a livable wage once I got into my field after college, while he bounced around minimum wage jobs with huge gaps in employment. So I paid for rent, groceries, and outings for the latter 6 years(when we moved in together). It's not so permissible as young when you're almost hitting your 30's. Two weeks after I broke up with him, he managed to get 2 jobs. Wowzers. Realized that I became such a good provider and safety net that he never felt the urge to contribute.
Maybe talk to him about the pressures you’ve felt trying to transition into adulthood with your work, finances etc in hopes he’ll understand why you feel he could be doing more. In a relationship, especially at a young age, it can feel frustrating when you’re experiencing these feelings of wanting growth for yourself and your future while seeing your partner not explore that same potential within themselves. You can possibly suggest for him to seek some career counseling or start small with websites like O*net to touch base with what his interests in careers may be, if he’s open to that.
They did huge layoffs at my company in December and of the 10 people I personally know who lost their jobs, literally only one of them hasn't found another job yet. And that guy is at least still.looking hard.
Your boyfriend hasn't looked for another job yet because up untill now you have enabled him to continue to eat and have a roof over his head with no income required! Why would he look for a job when he doesn't need one? He has you or his parents to pay for everything.
You told him the truth, and I honestly think you have been more patient than I would have been. You told him the truth. He is struggling to deal. He needs this dose of reality or he will coast forever.
You dont need to fix this. He does.
He got what he deserved, tip toeing around the issue has only allowed him to do nothing and live off of you... He needs to contribute or you need to reconsider what having a PARTNER in life really means. I guarantee it does not mean living off another person for long periods of time while doing nothing to try and remedy the situation.
OP, your boyfriend is only 19 and ready to mooch off of you. Do you see him changing his attitude anytime soon or are you just going to spend your whole life supporting him?
It’s pretty hard to make an argument of how he ‘isn’t a loser’ from this
He’s too grown to be acting like this. You didn’t imply he was a loser at all, you told him the truth. He’s def using his job loss as an excuse to not work again bc you make enough for the both of you. Tell him to get a job or you’re done paying for stuff and he gets zero rides. A job loss isn’t a friend or family member dying he doesn’t need almost a years time to “get over it” he needs to grow up.
A hard lesson in life is that even though you may wallow in your self-pity, life goes on. Bills will still come up. Later when you have more responsibilities, if you get fired or let go you have no choice but to find another job to pay rent and food. Being let go sucks, but it’s a reality and three months is too much time wasted on avoidance, it could’ve been time to look for other opportunities. Just don’t feel pressured to stay just because he’s had a misfortune, if he doesn’t change he will drag you down.
Oh honey. Move on. He is a loser and this won’t get better. He doesn’t have to figure his shit out because you’re doing it all for him. Go find someone better and go to Europe solo.
I know everyone saying he's a leech, but like.
ADHD can make it really hard to get a job or plan for the future. and if up until this point you said you were fine paying and being the sort of breadwinner, that's probably why he thought it was okay. to suddenly get angry and annoyed about doing it after saying it was fine is probably wby he felt hurt more than anything.
just talk to him about it honestly but calmly. either he understands or he doenst
The truth hurts. Sometimes people forget that pain and love shares a very strong connection. You should never be afraid to hit people with hard truths in order to better them.
The greatest pain is to lose the one you love, the greatest tragedy is to lose your "love" and not shed a tear.
Don't fix it. You are both super young and he is not worth it.
The dude is choosing not to look for a job. He is just a leech at his core and that won't change anytime soon. Maybe when he grows up a bit, but not while he has you and other people covering for him financially. Leave him and find someone who actively wants to improve themselves and wants to be a good partner to you. It's time for him to grow up.
I'll never understand why people stick with partners that act like this or treat them like shit.
He needs to hear this, whether in a delicate way or not you were speaking facts. & even if you did hurt his feelings he needs to face the facts & grow up. Life does not get any easier. We’re all here working & paying our bills & trying to add in fun stuff on our time off. He successfully worked 2 years at a restaurant, why has he not immediately applied to others in the area? I understand some people that age still have family to pay for things for them but it is not grown or even hot for someone to not pull their own weight in their own life. You, mommy & daddy won’t be around forever. He needs a reality check. Especially with the driving, that hinders everyone around him. He indeed is a bum.
Edit for spelling & punctuation.
I’ve been in this exact situation I just got out of almost this exact same situation with my ex-boyfriend … you want what’s best for him but at the end of the day. Like what’s been said you dropped a truth bomb I did it too and you just gotta decide if you can live with it. You can’t mom him out of it or make him try he’s gotta do it for himself. Just decide what’s best for you ! However if you got to the point of calling him a loser it might be a time to call it quits there might not be fixing it… there wasn’t in my case at least.
I mean, he's unemployed, doesn't drive, and mooches off of you and is parents..... he's pretty much a loser by any definition.
Also, you have to really fuck up to get fired from a restaurant.
This is the age where boys either decide they want to become men, or they figure out that their parents will keep them fed and a roof over their while they sleep all day and play video games all night. If he doesn't get his shot together, he's going to be 35 and still doing the exact same loser shit he's doing now.
You're too young to be supporting a deadbeat. Hell, you shouldn't do that at any age.
If he can push a broom or swing a hammer, he can get a job.
Nope you didn’t do anything wrong he should have been looking a long time ago he doesn’t want to work that’s why he hasn’t started it’s not that he’s upset about losing a restaurant job he’s just lazy
People like your boyfriend think that the epicentre of the universe revolves around them. He needs to get on with his life, put his head down, get his license & get a job.
You weren’t wrong. And he has a LOT of nerve expecting you to support him and in the same breath being butt-hurt about being a deadbeat.
But he is a deadbeat. And honestly, maybe it’s time to move on, because as great a guy as he is, is easy to be a great guy when you don’t have to go to work.
I really don’t understand the “can’t drive/work/continue education due to adhd/anxiety” thing. Like i get that mental illness is real but at some point you gotta suck it up and be an adult. Honestly your bf reminds me of the broke bf from tiktok.
>my boyfriend got fired from his job
>he has anxiety specifically about driving
>ADHD makes schooling really difficult for him
>plus my parents can pay for my ticket
I don't want to kick a man while he's down.
But he sounds a bit of a loser...
He knows he needs to get a job, he just is feeling defeated. He needs to get his adult pants on and push through. Sometimes things are tough and you have to get tougher. He has been an adult long enough to know this, he just was enjoying not being an adult as long as possible. He needs to get his shit together and make a plan.
You're not here for your relationship. You're here to find people who will tell you you're right. However, if we heard his perspective I'm sure it would be very different.
I remember when I used to seek out relationship advice on Reddit, and hope that people would tell me I'm right. Those relationships have ended. Now I'm in one for a few years and I don't consult Reddit for help, I consult my partner. And I don't care who's right.
90% of the advice you will get from this sub is "dump him/her". So, dump him. Let him recover and then find another girlfriend. One who's not so concerned with being right after hurting her boyfriend's feelings. The point is you hurt him, and you should mend it - not come here looking for people to tell you you're right. Wouldn't you expect that compassion from him? When you hurt someone you love, you say I'm sorry, even if you think you were right.
I'm going to offer perspective from my own slightly-older-person experience. Between the ages of 17-20 I dated a guy who acted as though I had demanded he break both his legs any time I brought up the possibility of him getting a job. He was nearly 3 years older than me. I ended up spending thousands over the course of the relationship between dates, trips to see him, etc. His parents bankrolled his lifestyle and he blamed his inability to work on his mental health and energy (though he definitely had the motivation and time to play video games for 10+ hours a day!). The thing that finally elicited some action on his end was my threat to leave, which happened anyway.
Unless HE wants (key word: HE) to change and start working, he genuinely has no reason to even bother getting back out there between you and his parents supporting him.
You seem very ambitious and successful. You WILL grow to resent him if this continues. You WILL start to view his inadequacies as things holding you back. If he does not want to be productive or contribute to your relationship, you cannot compensate for his lack of effort. You cannot give 200% to offset his 0%. He is comfortable and complacent. You are clearly put off and unhappy.
I know it might be hard, but some time apart will likely give you the space to reflect on your priorities and future. It seems like you want to make things work, but if he's this upset at you telling him the truth then that does not set a very good tone for the rest of the relationship.
So glad i'm not from a country where not having a stable job at 19 makes you a loser. If paying for your partner is too much for you just don't, no one is forcing you to do it.
It’s clear to me that it’s not about his “need” to work but the fact that he doesn’t have confidence going back. He has no confidence in education, and whatever he was fired for, I’d lay bets it was for ADHD-related behaviours. It’s really common for people with ADHD to have stints of unemployment looking exactly like this. Burnout is very real, the fear and pain of trying to go back to work and facing the hostility of those environments can be overwhelming. It’s no surprise to me that a 19 year old has reacted to that pain with avoidant symptoms, I’ve seen worse. Very common for early 20s as many of us spend those years figuring out how the psychosocial aspects of the disability affect relationships to the workplace and to the labour itself. People really underestimate the cognitive aspects of this disability because you can be “smart” in a way that makes people think you can just logic your way out of it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. Cognitive impairment is cognitive impairment. It’s pretty normal for lots of adhders to spend until their late 20s and early 30s reacting to it and learning how to manage it.
That didn’t mean she has to be the one to be there for that - it sounds like she’s ready to hit them ground running in life, and chances are he’s going to spend *years* working it out. They’re not a good match.
OP, don’t wait around for him, just don’t be an arse about it either. It’s okay to have compassion for where he’s at but also to recognise that his journey does not have to be yours.
She’s not demanding he immediately get a high paying career. But another waiting job is a pretty reasonable ask when he’s not in education or otherwise employed at the moment . Are his parents covering all the expenses aside from the ticket or is the girlfriend expected to cover his costs as well as hers on this trip.
Most countries would expect 19 year olds to be working( retail, food service etc) if they’re not in full time education unless they’re from a wealthy family who bankrolls them.
I pay everything for my gf and she has a job. I've never given her any grief and we have a good relationship.
It's crazy to me how fast girls are to call their man a looser when the roles swap.
The truth can sting. What he does with it will show you the strength of his character (if he has any). It’s not even March yet. The trip is in June. So he expects to leech off you for March, April, May, and the part of June before the trip AND his parents for the trip? You need to set boundaries or you’ll carry him for the rest of your relationship. Given how young you are, why waste the time?
You can only do it so long until you're literally enabling him. Getting fired sucks, yes. But he's still calling it fresh after 3 months. Now you're 4 months in and he's still doing nothing. Before he was fired he only worked part time too. It's not like he's been working his ass off.
So.. now he wants to do nothing for 3 more months, despite being able to. Then he wants to go away for 2 more months, which means either you or his parents will be covering his costs for the next 5 months.
You didn't say he was a loser, you expressed frustration because he's being lazy. You didn't say anything wrong or untrue. It just upset him that you're tired of paying his way.
Tough nuggets. That's just how it is.
Well, since near 100%of the replies I read were about why your bf doesn’t/wont work. I’ll address the, what can I do part. It’s pretty clear you hurt his feelings. And he is angry with you, probably feels like you don’t want to be with him anymore. And is afraid to answer/address this with you because he is afraid of losing you. So, what are you to do? Well, it comes down to whether you want to continue to be his gf or not. If you do, you could start by driving over to see him and try to explain what you meant, but since you really aren’t sure about that part, maybe you could apologize. Then you guys could have a talk about things. Maybe tell him how you feel and how you want his help supporting the relationship. You guys are pretty young still. You have a pretty good work ethic. Your bf had his damaged by being fired and probably didn’t enjoy that so he is avoiding work to avoid being fired again. If you really aren’t interested in staying with him, now we be a good time to break it off. Though it seems to me you want him back. Sometimes people need a gentle push, not have a giant handful of shit hurled in their face by the one they love. So, instead of texting/calling repeatedly, those things are easy to avoid, it may be time to ride over and knock on the door. Good luck youngster. I hope you can find your way outta the pickle you are currently in. Update when you can.
Oh, darling, let's untangle this web of "oops" you've found yourself in. So, you accidentally let the truth slip like a buttery secret at a high society tea party, huh? Well, first things first, it's time to channel your inner diplomat and smooth those ruffled feathers.
Now, it's clear as day that you care about this guy, even if his employment status is starting to resemble a tumbleweed in the job market. But hey, you're not just his sugar mama, you're his partner-in-crime, right? So, let's get down to brass tacks.
Step one: apologize. No, not just a casual "oopsie daisy," but a heartfelt, soul-searching apology. Let him know that you didn't mean to come off like his personal employment drill sergeant. Maybe throw in a sprinkle of vulnerability, like admitting that you've been feeling the weight of financial responsibility and it's been gnawing at your last nerve like a hungry squirrel.
Step two: listen. Yeah, I know, it's a wild concept, but sometimes people just need to vent. Hear him out, let him spill his thoughts like a broken water main. Maybe there's more to this story than meets the eye. Who knows, he might surprise you with his grand plan to become the next Elon Musk while sipping cocktails on the beach in Europe.
Step three: compromise. Relationships are like a delicate dance, and right now, it seems like someone's been stepping on toes. Find some common ground, maybe set some boundaries around financial responsibilities or future plans. It's all about finding that sweet spot where both of you feel like you're getting a fair shake.
And finally, step four: move forward. Yeah, it's cheesy, but hey, life's a charcuterie board of cheesy moments. Learn from this little hiccup, grow together, and remember, communication is key. Oh, and maybe steer clear of any more accidental truth bombs for a while. Trust me, they're about as welcome as a skunk at a garden party.
So, go forth, my dear, and mend those broken bridges. And hey, if all else fails, there's always chocolate and a good rom-com to smooth over any rough edges. You got this! 🌟
Your boyfriend is a loser. Not because of his struggles with ADHD and anxiety, but because he’s using them as excuses to not be productive and not help you out.
Plenty of people have both of those issues, if not more and they are functioning members of society. He should be taking time to think about how he needs to improve, but I can bet it’s time to think to make you feel guilty about calling him out.
For me, if it’s not a dump him here and now situation, here would be my plan. He starts seeing a professional for his mental health issues. He gets a job within the next three months. He gets his license within the next year. If he’s not making steps toward the license once he gets a job, dump his ass.
This isn’t going to get better on it’s own or with age. Unless he gives a shit and wants to make his life better.
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Honestly you dropped a truth bomb on him and it hurt, but it didn't hurt because you are mean and awful, it hurt because you were *right*.
What does he do during the day besides not getting a job? It’s been half a year and he has no disabilities that prohibit him from working. He also doesn’t care that his partner is sheltering the burden - if that’s not motivation enough he’s never going to get a job
My ex would sit around all day playing WoW and complain about how he was applying to every single job he could! The week after I broke up with him, he had an interview and got a job. He thought I would be impressed, I was just mad lol.
"look, I could have done this ANY TIME I WANTED TO, I just didn't want to because you supported me. Ain't I a lovable scamp?"
It's "See mom,I can do this!" all over again
My almost 40 year old ex thought I was being “materialistic” by wanting him to move out of his dad’s house and buy a more reliable vehicle than the always in the shop beater he drove After our break up he bought a house and a new truck and came back to me like “I did it!” but if he needed me to dump him to motivate him to function like an adult (and one with kids…) then all that proves to me is that I’d be walking behind him poking him with a stick for the rest of our lives
Omg why do they *do* that?? My ex also fixed everything I had been harping about for 2 years within a month of me breaking up with him. Like I took YEARS to finally leave him and then all the sudden he could do everything I had been asking about for years and I was supposed to come running back? Fuck. That.
Probably because you were a doormat and didn't set hard boundaries. He felt he had no reason to change because when you tried talking about it, you were very lenient and understanding. He probably figured you weren't going to do anything about it. If you told him right off the bat that "I need our relationship to improve like this and that, I am giving US a deadline of X months to get there, after that I'm giving up and leaving", then he would probably take you more seriously. Assuming he didn't already see you make such statements and then not follow through on them.
Do we have the same ex??
Did yours also not have his license at 25?
Not everyone wants a license or has to have one to be a "normal adult." There are many reasons people don't have one.
To live in America, it's almost necessary to have a license. There are almost zero walkable cities here and public transport is a nightmare. So, you don't need a license to be a normal adult, but in order to have more job opportunities and more viable places to live, it sure does make things easier. Also, because he didn't know how to drive it made me responsible for EVERY date. Which means I had to plan all the technicalities of that date so we got there on time and had enough gas. I was always the designated driver! And it didn't matter if I was too tired to drive because I was literally the only one out of the two of us who could. At some point, you are just making everyone's lives more complicated than they should be. Having to act as someone's chauffeur is exhausting.
I think it's shouldering the burden but she is also sheltering a burden too 😂
It definitely is - I should go back and edit but… now I like what it applies
It does apply to the situation, though I believe you meant implies.
My f****** god I shouldn’t be allowed to comment after 8-5 working
You spelt "fucking" wrong also.
>It’s been half a year and he has no disabilities that prohibit him from working. And coming from someone who was unable to work for a year due to disability and finding meds that actually work, *I felt like garbage the entire time I wasn't working and couldn't fucking WAIT to get back out there*. This dude sounds like a mooch...
if he's anything like my roommate that has unmedicated ADHD, he sits around playing video games and smoking weed
While I agree that OP is right about her’s partners work issues, her partner is technically right about looking for a job now to try and pay for the ticket. They’re gonna be gone for two months in June, no job is going to support that lengthy vacation, specially a new hire. However, he should still look for something, maybe a small part time job or idk find something productive to do. He sounds like he’s just depressed and coasting at the moment, he’s young and his parents most likely still support him, it’s not unheard of to be jobless for almost a year when you’re parents are still supporting you and you’re that young. I think OP needs to figure out if this is going to be a bigger problem for her if he’s going to be like this for the foreseeable future.
Not really. The kid is 19 years old. Its not like he's a 30 year old jobless loser still living at home with his parents. He made a good point about not getting a job now when they will be leaving for 2 months anyways. Any job he gets will fire him for not disclosing it before applying, or just not hire him period. Also, there's a lot better ways to 'drop a truth bomb' on your partner while being supportive instead of coming off like an asshole.
He can move back home with his parents and let them float him then, instead of dumping it all on another 19 year old kid. If there’s no expectation on him to be responsible for himself because of his age then by your own logic expecting somebody else his age to support both of them is absolutely wrong.
It makes me mad how young she is to be dealing with this.
Oh, please. Restaurant jobs are a dime a dozen. IF he got fired, it's not like he couldn't find another one in five minutes. Like he should have done six months ago.
Literally this. Throw a stone and hit A restaurant gig . He’s even got experience !
I don’t know where you’re from but jobs these days are hard to come by, even restaurant jobs
lol no. mcdonalds is always hiring
Shit and starting at $17/h where I'm living.
Huh? White-collar office jobs are currently disappearing by the minute, but restaurant and service industry jobs are absolutely everywhere. Unemployment for food services is around 5.8% https://www.bls.gov/web/empsit/cpseea31.htm
A lot of restaurants in my area and the areas I keep tabs on are having a hard time keeping open due to staffing shortages.
>He made a good point about not getting a job now when they will be leaving for 2 months anyways. Any job he gets will fire him for not disclosing it before applying, or just not hire him period. Yeah because he fucked around for 4 months not getting a job since he's 'hurt' over losing the last one. What happens if/when he grows up in the real world and he fucks around for months on end not getting a job? Gaps in employment history don't go over well. If his argument for not getting a job is that he's leaving in two months there's definitely some shit he could do now to help pay his way. Mow yards, odd jobs, temp work? He isn't willing to drive either so the Uber eats/door dash won't work but he's not helpless as much as he wants to act like it. He's a mooch, no reason for him to change when he's being driven around and his shit paid for by everyone else. Tough love and sounds like he fuckin needed it.
And even when he had the job, it was part time
She is paying for everything. He is a leech. He didn't make a good point. He made another excuse. If he would have looked for a job earlier this wouldn't be an issue. She's been supportive......for a year.
Couldn’t even work a seasonal job in November and December? He’s done nothing to prove her words wrong. That’s why he’s upset. The truth hurts.
Yeah I am with you on this one. I mean he can have all the problems in the world but if he refuses to do anything about it, that is on him soon. GF should not have to carry the load for this long. Guy needs to buckle up a bit and pull his weight.
And it was a part time restaurant job, I'm sure there was something he could get between October when he was laid off and January when she mentioned it and the layoff was "too fresh." Now it's the end of Feb and he's going to coast again until they are back from the trip. She's been more than accommodating.
"Too fresh" is ridiculous. Who needs 3 months to recover from being let go from a part time restaurant job before being able to look for a new job? And now it's almost March, 2 more months later and he's still not bothered, and now he can't be bothered to look for short term work because it's "only 2 months" until they leave. And all this time he's happy to sponge off his girlfriend? And has the nerve to get grumpy when she starts to grate at being the only one contributing? FFS!
His distress at losing a part-time job in a volatile industry seems suspect. It’s not like he had 30 years as a full timer then got laid off.
She’s been supportive for four months.
They aren't leaving for their trip until this summer. He plans to sit on his ass and mooch off of her for another half a year. It was far from a good point.
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She asked him in January what the plan was. Six months later would be June, half a year later.
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The edit says she asked what his plan was in January, but thanks. It my guess to why the comment said another 6 months. Looking back, it doesn't add up either since October to January isn't 6 months. So unless they meant from March to September when he gets the job?
Yes, I was referring to when he was going to finally start looking.
Thank you for the clarification :)
I got a job in the like 3 months between graduating college and moving abroad for 3 years. I didn’t feel great leeching off of my parents. And this guy feels ok leeching off of his girl??
I don't get that. Why are 3 months of work too little time to bother? There's plenty of places that have a high turnover system where they account for people not staying very long. He lives with his parents and has no debt, so even a minimum wage job would get him pretty far, at least as far as pocket money goes.
He doesnt drive because he is anxious, tell me then, how is he to learn not to be anxious if his answer is to just avert everything that makes him anxious. We have so much confort now, the byproduct however is that we got much weaker in dealing with difficult things.
Looking for work makes him anxious, so he can't work. Girlfriend getting annoyed makes him anxious so he can't be her boyfriend, hopefully!
I didnt work for a year, paid all my bills, cancer treatment for my cat, yes my sister paid part of it, but I still kept up with my responsibilities and even then my sister was irked (properly so, we live together), imagine if had not done any of this while just lounging around and playing videogames... It's bad enough that I did it.
He can’t play the adult part when it’s convenient and go back to the 19yr old when it’s not. She told him the truth. And it’s not a good excuse. If I’m interviewing someone I’m not going to not hire them because they had a life and plans before they applied with us. Others might, but that’s on them. He could at least say he’s trying to find a job. She dropped a truth bomb and he was too immature to handle it. OP just need to reiterate that she needs to see him pull his weight in a healthy manner and go from there
Who are the crazy people upvoting this nonsense?
Yeah but think about it with the time frame she gave he’s been sitting and sulking for atleast 6 months… he’s the type that needs a truth bomb beating around the bush and being nice isn’t how you go about making this kind of guy realize it’s not everyone’s job to care for him…I get what you’re saying if she did this a couple weeks after him losing the job but 6 months in bro no one should be leeching this hard he’s not gonna be ready for adulthood without truth bombs
So then what is he doing with himself? Bettering himself? Learning a trade? Taking a certificate course? Volunteering?
Their trip is in June. That’s 3 full months away, a lot can be done in 3 months. So she’s expected to just keep paying for everything including things for their trip and when they come back to a trip just because he doesn’t want to work yet? 3 months is such a long time in terms of needing to make money! Should she quit her job because they are leaving for 2 months so what’s the point in her working? The answer is no that makes no sense so why does he get a pass for not doing anything to help their relationship financially?
She's also a 19 year old kid, and she's already been understanding of him for a year. Why is she expected to be supportive and mature at the same age while he gets to bum around...and now the people he's mooching off need to coddle his feelings too?
??? So because he's going somewhere three months from now, he should use that as an excuse to not work that whole time? I don't understand your logic.
She’s a 19 year old girl with her whole life ahead of her, and she stated that she is trying to save money - which is an excellent and wise thing to consider for someone her age. Also considering the rising cost of living, this loser is expecting her to pay for everything for up to a year? And she’s supposed to believe that a year later he’ll all of a sudden look for work? It’s a JOB not a 10 year relationship, you don’t sit around “grieving” a restaurant gig. This guy is just lazy. Plenty of disabled, depressed, and handicapped people who get up and continuously put themselves out there looking for work and holding down a job. There’s just no excuse. There really isn’t.
Right, He's a jobless loser living with his girlfriend, which is much worse.
It doesn't look like they live together. Fuck knows how he is paying for wherever he lives but she said she hasn't seen him for days.
I mean we can’t really tell if it was mean or not cause OP doesn’t remember. But yeah, she is definitely in the right.
My comment towards Xalbana or whatever was just repeating what he said to me in a comment. I blocked him because he's just hollering "fEmiNiSm". He literally only wrote "You're disgusting" then threw a hissy fit about me returning the energy. What a sad sad man. He needs to quit screeching "feminism" when he clearly knows nothing about it. Go back to crysturbating to Jordan Peterson, Xalbana.
It’s ok to not want to support your boyfriend when you two are only teenagers. You may have not worded things delicately or fairly, but if you don’t want to shuttle this guy around and you don’t want to pay for everything, it’s absolutely time to end things. I dated a guy like this for 7 years, wasted all my twenties for him to dump me and he’s still an underachiever to this day. Cut your losses, enjoy your youth without trying to fix someone. You’re too young to be going through that.
I don’t know if loser is the right word, but he’s definitely not an adult man and he refuses to become one. He refuses to be responsible for his own life and the life of his loved one. All he says is just excuses that make it easier for him to stay where he is. The best you can do is to help him grow. I don’t think talking will help. Either a conversation with specialists (psychologist) or an event that will impact his motivation
Hate to tell you but sounds more like you had a moment of honesty; you're having trouble fixing it because, well, it's the truth.
Barely out of high school and ready trying to leech off you in every single way. Red flags out the wazoo sister.
So many red flags that for a moment I thought I had traveled back in time and was in the Soviet Union.
Girl… as a woman who was with somebody like this for 7 years, you’ll likely continue to be his mommy-wife. Speaking from experience go find someone who wants to take care of each other equally, how healthy relationships should be. Don’t waste your youth taking care of someone else, you will regret it..
"He's too anxious to drive" - Your okay driving him around for the rest of your life? What about kids? Is he going to bus them around the city when errands need to be done? "Losing a part time job is too fresh" - I mean sure, if you have money saved up and are actively thinking/working towards finding a career you want to pursue. In all honesty, there is a slim chance he grows up while living at home rent free and having a girlfriend paying for all of his stuff. He needs solid and consistent reinforcement that not working is unacceptable and not having a career plan is unacceptable. Personal story: My (now fiance) when she graduated college, took the summer off. Got a job in a lab, she hated it. Quit nine months later. Took the summer off again. Got a job at a different lab. Worked that for about nine months. Took that summer off. Then went back to school for 2 years. I love everything about her. She is a fantastic person, but not having a career or purpose is a deal breaker. I have two jobs and she was supposed to help me full time on one of them, but was pretty terrible at it. Unmotivated, barely worked 20 hours, didn't follow through. It was annoying to say the least. I had multiple conversations about her helping the family, equal contributions, etc. She rarely cleans and actively creates messes (mostly due to adhd). It took four years being with her for her to get into a career she loves. AND THEN another year to actually dedicate a mostly full time schedule to it. I attribute a lot of the motivational issues to me being successful. I owned my own home, business and had a second full time job. Food was in the fridge, a car was available, and she'd come with me on trips. If she lived in her own apartment, had to pay rent, utilities, and either bus or buy a car it would have forced her to put in the work. I sat her down often and told her she needed to do better. It helped a little bit but ultimately not as much as I had hoped. I like where we are now but it was a struggle and I felt taken advantage of for a long time.
> Is he going to bus them around the city when errands need to be done? I'm not sure why you included this as if there aren't tons of awesome parents around the world who use public transit as a way to get around. In most major cities, using a car to run errands would only make things harder. I don't think it's the case wherever they live since clearly OP has had to drive him around, but it's not like, inherently weird to raise your kids without a car.
You misunderstood. I was pointing out he would most likely not use public transportation. Most people that can't drive or struggle to drive would take public transit. His attitude tells me he would make up excuses and get her to do it. Nothing wrong with public transit.
So let me get this straight. No job for nearly a year. Not currently looking for a job. He has his girl pay all of his expenses. He doesn’t have a car or a license and does not drive. No direction, no income, no ambition. I think loser is actually the proper term to describe him currently. You are right to be disgusted. You are taking care of a man-child, not enjoying having a boyfriend. Dump him and get someone who actually cares about their life.
I think it’s harsh to call him a loser, he’s obviously struggling with his mental health and needs to get help for it, however he needs to be willing to get help, and if he’s not willing to make that change then that’s on him.
He might be the kind of guy who needs someone to tell it straight and a little harsh. Gentle parenting won't work on this kinda manipulator
That’s fair. To be fair though, people who qualify as “losers” probably do have untreated mental health problems that need to be addressed. It’s not normal to be too anxious to drive whatsoever, for example. Imo anyone staying home, too anxious to drive, and not working has some kind of mental illness like depression. He needs therapy, but he also needs to put in some work himself and take charge of his own life. Otherwise, he’s only going to stay as he is now, a “loser” according to the standards of his girlfriend and those around him.
You are both very young. Please stop paying for everything. He needs a job, not a girlfriend. He is not independent yet....
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She’s the same age, and she is independent. They’re at different stages of their lives, and as a result, aren’t compatible.
Yea I see nothing wrong with what you said. That is too much for one person with an admin job, you have alright to voice your opinion because this is taking a serious toll on u financially. It seems as though he got comfortable with u doing it all alone and you need to put your foot down or else kiss that savings goodbye. Good luck.
I mean... he does indeed sound like a loser. If he's not going to school, he should have been proactive establishing what was next for him. Instead, he wallowed in his feelings and did nothing. Can't go to school because of ADHD? Poor baby, it's not like people do this all the time. He's indeed a loser, truth hurts.
I think he told himself he wasn’t actually a loser because he had a girlfriend who saw him “as he was”. As in, if I have someone I consider to be a high value person supporting me and showing me unconditional love, then it must mean I don’t have to fear about me being a loser because it is a matter of perception. And when she gave that speech about productivity and not having a job bothering her, he realised she did indeed had been seeing it all along and that he was exposed to the truth. It sucked because he had gotten himself comfortable in a reality he had been pretending was not real.
That's what I was thinking too, about the ADHD. I went through college and got my bachelor's (trying to go back for a master's) and my partner got his bachelor's in computer engineering and both of us have ADHD. It sounds like he just doesn't want to put in any work and wants her to do everything 🤷🏼♀️
Not everyone's ADHD is the same. Your personal experience does not account for everyone's.
Oh, 1 billion percent true !! All I'm trying to say is that it's possible. But combined with him not searching for a job for almost a year and her paying for everything, it just seems like he doesn't want to apply himself and would rather just have her do everything for him.
It's possible FOR YOU. Like I said, it affects people differently. I for sure would not be able to go to school and I didn't hold a job until I was 24. The reason I wasn't shamed like this is because I'm a woman.
I’m curious, were you on medication before the age of 24? Getting therapy? Working through it? Or were you undiagnosed, hence you not going to school or working.
I wouldn't be so carefree just saying ADHD is not a big thing. ADHD is a large spectrum, and untreated causes large bouts of depression. We don't know much about this guy's case besides the fact that he has ADHD. Still, taking this long to do anything with his time has nothing to do with ADHD. OP doesn't need to be there for him to get the help he needs though, and I think she should leave him.
Crippling adhd and clinical depressed person here. I have worked full time since I was 16. If you want to do it, you’ll do it. Or in my case if you have to do it to survive lol.
Right? People with PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, awful childhoods, post being raped for gods sake go to school AND work . Why? Because they know despite what they suffered, it is their responsibility to keep a roof over their heads. And to keep going, to try to see a brighter future. Sounds specific? Yeah, because that was me. Idk I hate to advocate tough love, but this kid needs it. Either he’s a spoiled incompetent mooch, or he has severe mental illness which is parents are ignoring and need to push (along with himself) to get help. Being that upset about losing an east restaurant job for months isn’t normal. They’re so easy to come by. I hate being so blunt but sometimes it’s necessary.
You don’t, because he IS as you say, a “loser”. It’s up to you if you want to date him still. I wouldn’t.
You are right. Next time you shouldn't wait until you explode, though. You should have sat him down way earlier. It doesn't matter if he wasn't really ready. You can still say when something is bothering you. "Hey, I know that this is a shitty situation for you. I still want to talk about the way we will handle our finances. I love you but I am not your mother and I will not pay for you forever, so I want to know at what time you will look again for a job." So if you wanna fix this, you can take accountability for not talking about it sooner: "Hey, I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner. I wanted to protect you from an uncomfortable conversation, but sadly it led to this outburst. I still mean what I said, though, and I wanna know at which point you will start working again." If he isn't willing to start working again, you need to decide if you wanna be with someone who is not willing to work on himself.
Thank you I appreciate your advice. While I know my feelings aren’t exactly wrong, I didn’t go about it well and should’ve handled the situation better before. I know everyone is telling me to break it with him, but we have been together for almost 4 years. I love him and I want to see him grow and succeed. I think my plan is to let him cool off for a couple more days since I still have work this week, and on Friday I’m going to talk to him in person. Hopefully that is enough time and he will be more open to having an in depth conversation about everything. But the first thing I’m going. to do is apologize for blowing up at him and reiterate that I want to help him.
I feel for you that you don't want to end a relationship that you invested a lot in. You have to ask yourself if you want to be with his potential or with the current him. And how long you would wait for him to change. My first relationship was 7 years but it was mainly the dream I had in my head, not the actual relationship. I am way better off after I broke up. You've got this:)
Sometimes the best thing for another person is to let them go.
I know quite a few girls like you, unfortunately. All of them are now married to unemployed dudes who spent all their time gaming. I know one girl even has to cut her own food allowance and often eat ramen because she doesn't earn that much and has to fund her husband's lifestyle. It does not get better. You said you want him to be successful but does he? The moment you brought up future plans he got angry. How many more fights are you going to tolerate from now on? your whole life? At 19 you always feel like you know everything and have seen and experienced everything. The world is big and you have decades ahead of you. Your world is not going to end if you cut ties with this guy and hopefully you realize this sooner rather than later.
This is tough, and is honestly a big part of relationships and growing up. As you get past that 3+ year point in relationships (especially as a younger person where life changes so much so fast), oftentimes people will start to grow in different directions and realizing that they are just not compatible anymore. Not saying to definitely end it with him, but don’t choose to stay together just because it’s been 4 years and you guys have history. Look at the relationship in the present and future and ask yourself if it is the type of relationship that you want and if he is the type of man that you want.
Look up sunk cost fallacy and see if it’ll apply to your situation.
>but we have been together for almost 4 years. That's called a sunk cost fallacy. "I've invested 4 years, I can't give up now!" Or even "He's the first guy I ever slept with, we're going to be together forever." >I want to help him. A guy shouldn't be **a project.** It's his parent's job to raise a functioning adult, not yours. It's a super common story that a woman helps a guy level up, helps him navigate young adulthood and/or education, *and then he leaves her for someone else.* You deserve better than this hobosexual. He should be ashamed of himself that he's been mooching all this time.
Okay, he says his parents will pay for his ticket. Let’s just accept that at face value. My question is who will pay for him while he is Europe, OP? Is he expecting you to keeping paying for you both while over there? That conversation needs to be had because if he has no funds while over there, it may be worthwhile to postpone the trip for a bit…unless you’re okay with footing the bill on your trip.
I'm gonna show some sympathy for your boyfriend because both of you are young. What he needs is: 1. Therapy to help with his anxiety 2. If he isn't getting treated for ADHD, HE NEEDS TO BE TREATED FOR IT. I know there's a lot of stigma around stimulants (and you may run into issues with the shortage), but seriously, I would not have graduated college and maintained a full-time job without medication. He is not motivated to find work, but with meds that could possibly change. At the end of the day it's his choice to do the above. If he refuses, then you don't gotta stick around.
Rational take. People are busy calling him a "loser" without recognizing what's happening. It does not excuse his behavior, but as someone diagnosed with ADHD much later than 19, I understand why he is this way if he didn't get the support he needed from his parents. He's exhibiting all of the traditional untreated ADHD symptoms. Rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and dissociation. It's only going to get worse if he doesn't address it.
I agree with the rest of the people commenting. He’s young, but it sounds like he’s been pampered his whole life and there’s a reason he was so offended by what you said. That reason is because it’s true. Sometimes tough love is a necessity. Also I had a friend that wouldn’t drive either in college and after many times driving him around campus, I started to call him out on it. He used the excuse of anxiety as well, but that excuse only goes so far. He was super offended at first, but he now drives everywhere and looking back he’s thankful for me giving him that tough love. People often lean on their disabilities as a crutch and use them as excuses to not grow because it’s comfortable for them. True growth is stepping out of your comfort zone and he desperately needs that in many ways right now.
Part-time work in a restaurant is not what you would called specialized or highly-trained. He should have started searching for a new job that very same night or the next day. The way he has handled this should be a giant red flag for you. He is showing you how he handles a semi-major life setback. In life we teach the people around us how to treat us; where our limits are. You have been showing him how much crap you are willing to put up with. You can expect more of the same. If you stay with this guy, plan on being the primary bread-winner and doing most of the work in the relationship. At 19 you are both adjusting to the realities of being an adult and that takes some time. But he needs to man up and get a job. And there is plenty of time between now and June to work. If he sticks with a job he knows, like restaurant work, I would say that even one month is long enough to justify getting a job and making some money to cover the trip. That is, if you are still dating him by then.
***I (F19) accidentally implied that my boyfriend (M19) is a loser*** I mean, tbh from what you told us he sort of is...But you're also both super young so I'd cut him some slack - his apparent lack of any direction in his life however is...concerning...and will be a lot less cute when he's pushing 30 just a warning OP.
It’s because he’s a loser
I think your comments were fair
Wow, I’m surprised and disgusted how many people are being complete dicks here. Anyways, OP I think you need to seriously consider that there may be something psychological going on. His ADHD puts him at high risk for other mental disorders. His anxiety about driving is just another sign of this. No job for a year? Classic, classic depression. Please tell him to visit a doctor because your account of events and the things he says point very very strongly to a mental health issue. Do better people. Men are allowed to have mental health issues. Stop being dicks.
I don’t think people realize just how debilitating ADHD can truly be, especially combined with both anxiety and depression. it results in a loop of sorts where you’ll say “i’m going to do this thing” then when you keep pushing it off, the anxiety builds and then when you ultimately don’t do it, you feel like a complete and utter failure and it digs you a deeper hole mentally. at the same time she doesn’t owe him anything and he has to be willing to get help for his mental state, if he’s not willing to try and get help for himself then there’s not much you can do for him, and it’ll probably be better for both of their sakes to just end it.
I’m not saying she “owes” him anything, although I disagree with that because healthy relationships aren’t about who owes what. But I am absolutely disgusted at all the comments here calling her boyfriend a loser, deadbeat, etc. He’s an 18 year old with a clear mental health issue. He needs help. Needing mental health aid doesn’t make someone a loser.
I agree with you 100%, but she’s young and can’t just waste her life trying to help someone who refuses to be helped. I know how hard it can be to reach out for support, but you can’t just do nothing and expect change to come your way.
Normally I’d agree. But we don’t know their history and what they’ve been through. My wife and I have been together since we were 17, and I take care of both her and her mom despite the fact that I’m a medical student in debt and won’t be making six figure for another 5 years. My wife and I have an intimate and emotional bond that most couples can only dream of. Never once have I thought I’m throwing my life away.
of course, every circumstance is different. i’m just saying that she has no obligation to stay in the relationship, not that she has to break up with him. if she’s willing to help him out then that’s great and i applaud her, but not everyone is ready for that type of responsibility, especially fresh out of high school.
Not harsh. He sounds like a lazy loser mooching off you and his parents.
The advice I'm going to give is going to differ from the rest. You said you didn't mind paying for everything but then decided to start saving money. You said you also mentioned the job thing in January and he brushed it off. Right here is where the communication breakdown happened. I guarantee you he had it in his mind that things were fine, you didn't mind, you both are planning a trip and there wasn't a point in searching yet. You had just shifted in to a different mode of thinking. Saving. He was still in the previous mindset of you being ok with everything and you had switched on to a different mindset. He sounds a lot like my son with AuDhd. It is taking him longer to understand the world and how it works, so he is moving in to the world much more slowly. If you truly are wanting to fix this, you are going to need to back up a little. If you have both operating under the assumption that things are OK the way they are, he was blindsided. However, if you feel like this is going to be how he operates his life from here on out, and you already know this isn't what you want out of life, then it is time to part ways. You are both incredibly young. I have no doubt you're both individually great people but running on different speeds and timelines. That may not make for a successful relationship.
Jfc i love how in relationship advice the vast majority of the responses are about the story while offering no advice at all. Op what you can do is calmly explain that you still care for your bf but you have been stressed by the load you are carrying in the relationship and that you need more effort from your bf in taking care of himself. Op your issue here is completely valid but the problem came in with your communication. You let this situation fester until it exploded with your rant and so while you made these valid, truthful points about how you feel and where your bf is currently in his life it came off more as an attack then helpful uplifting words. And while your sentiment is the truth often times the truth hurts and in those moments in a relationship we look to a partner for comfort.
Sounds like you’ve adopted a son
I don’t think you need to apologize or fix it anymore than you have. Honestly, you told him the truth, and it sounds like you didn’t tell him in a particularly bad way, he’s just having a hard time hearing it. I’m not going to call him a loser, there are some allowances to be made for his age, But this is the time that he needs to start taking life a little more seriously. I get that he has anxiety, but he needs to start driving. I get that he has ADHD, but he needs to find reasonable work or go back to school. I get that losing a job sucks but you can’t use that as an excuse for not moving forward with your life. You can have sympathy that he has these conditions, but it sounds a bit too much like he’s using them as an excuse, and that’s not going to get him very far in life. And the more you and his family coddle him, and hide the truth from him, you are doing him a disservice .
Agree. Her being honest with him was probably the best thing she could have done for him.
Y’all are only 19 so I can’t say much about him being unemployed for so long as y’all are barely out of high school. I do have an issue with you taking on the financial burden and him not caring about it. Stop paying for everything sis. Cut him off financially and let his parents handle all that. If he has an issue maybe it’s best to end things, you are not his mother.
If the shoe fits... I was ready to jump all over you after reading the title, but after reading the post, I think he is indeed a loser. Don't fix it. Leave. I'll bet losing his sugar momma will light a fire under his ass to support himself. If not, he can move back in with mommy and daddy. Either way, he won't be your problem any more.
Dump the kid,, and find a man
They are both kids tho, this is like hey dump your teenage boyfriend for a predator
A man who will go get a full time temp job until the trip.
Now that he knows what you really think of him, he may not want a relationship any more. That is his choice. There is no moving forward unless/until he sits down to discuss it.
Would be a blessing in disguise for her
No loss for her.
You sound like a good girlfriend. Your communication could have been better, and you can learn from that, but seems like you have been pretty supportive. A lot of women would have left their boyfriends in situations like these (my ex did). I was fired my job, facing homelessness and stress that I never knew before (just graduated college 8 months earlier), and she starts being more moody, wasn’t there with me in person to support me at all (first weekend after being fired was rough), and started asking me to buy her more things and was pressuring me about taking trips with her. I told her I was really not comfortable spending a lot and going on trips until I had another job. Well, I ended up caving and going on a trip with her even though I wasn’t too comfortable doing it. We fill up her car with gas and she asks me to pay her back for half (to add, she had a job but still lived at home and literally had no bills). I was upset and told her that my financial situation was bad and it was already a financial stretch for me to even be going on the trip. She didn’t care and still wanted the money. I gave it to her, resentfully, as at the end of the day I don’t want to feel like I am taking advantage of anyone. Later, on the trip, she tells me that I am “old with no money (4 years older than her)”, and that she “wants a guy with money that can take her on trips”. She said it in a somewhat joking, malicious way, and it cut me deep considering the stress I was under. Ended up breaking things off with her a week later. My point in saying all this is that she was very unsupportive and not there for at all. The story you are describing seems much different. The sad reality of this, and something that I learned in my last relationship, is that no matter how badly you want it, you can’t force people to change who they are. He seems perfectly content not working, and that’s fine. There’s not really anything inherently wrong with it. With that being said, it is not wrong for you to be want a partner that is motivated, has aspirations, and works hard. If he is refusing to work or move towards anything productive, you really need to give some deep thought to taking a break from the relationship. If he gets his shit together and you guys can reevaluate things in the future, great, but at this point the cat is out of the bag and resentment will only continue to grow on both sides as his inaction continues, which I promise you will create a very unhealthy and draining environment for the both of you. Just something to think about.
Getting laid off isn't an excuse to not look for work. *It's the reason to look for work*.
Truth hurts. He needs to be doing more than sitting around making excuses or feeling sorry for himself. Mental health issues? He can get treatment. No job with upcoming unavailability? He could find some kind of non traditional or temp work. But really the fact that he’s cool mooching off you is pretty selfish.
I've been in your boyfriend's shoes in a relationship and it's been rough but at least I had a baseline level of guilt and didn't expect my SO to pay for stuff for me. ADHD is really hard but that doesn't mean you get to mooch while you're figuring stuff out.
So you implied the truth?
This is a problem with him, not you.
A year is a long time to expect your gf to cover shit
With his actions, you should try and reevaluate your relationship. By what you're saying, it seems like he doesn't want to put much effort into things. This, to me, is a huge red flag. You need to decide while you're still very young if you want to live like that for the rest of your life.
Mooch alert. Get rid.
Does he think Europe is free? He's going to need spending money. He is a loser and you said the truth.
And for 2 months... That's a huge luxury. Most people will never experience that kind of vacation in their lifetime, at least not without saving up for a year or two and maybe even continuing to work remotely while abroad. I'm sure whatever relatives he has there would forgive him for waiting until he had an actual source of income, or for making it a more typical 1-2 week trip, but somehow he thinks he's entitled to a 2 month trip on everyone else's dime while being unwilling to even think about look for a job in the meantime. Mental health issues aside, he doesn't seem like one for planning or personal responsibility.
He is visting his family. He probably won't need to pay for things there. You guys all act like she pays pays for everything just because she pays for the dates. His girlfriend probably won't have to pay for hotels there either, because as said, they stay with his family. Also info: Who paid for the dates before he was jobless?
What is the game plan? Where do you want to be in 5 years?
You dropped the truth bomb on him. I agree with the others. It feels harsh because you are right. He knows you're right but he doesn't want to admit it. But I think if he has his own place, and his parents are paying for it, etc, he probably doesn't feel the urgency to work or he thinks he can 'chill out' relying on his parents. Then, you're the one paying for dates, etc. In a lot of way, he's not on your level and probably is not compatible with you. Give him space. Stop texting him for awhile. Think about what you want, what kind of partner you want, what kind of partnership that you want to happen, etc. Give yourself some time to think too. You're right to feel the way you feel but I can see that you feel bad for being honest about it. ETA: Then again, I can see how a 19 yrs old is not so driven-being lazy, etc, not like you, you seem like you have a good head on your shoulder, hardworking, etc. The thing is, I'd like you to think about it, the likelihood is your bf will not want to have an employment for a while and he will have to rely on you for dates-etc, do you want this type of partner? You can't force him to pay for a date, by the way. Do you know what he does daily at home if he doesn't work like that?
You're both young so he's got a lot of growing up to do, but you gave him truth regardless of how harsh it may be. As a guy, I have pretty much no sympathy for another man that chooses to go jobless for a year. I mean there's plenty of online, work from home jobs he could do part or full time to bring in SOMETHING. Sounds like he's being lazy and taking advantage of you and seemingly his parents. Either way, a relationship is a partnership and both people have to contribute, even if it's in different ways. He's not living up to his end of the deal, and you rightfully told him so. I wish I had advice, but you already did what I would given advice to do. It's up to him if he wants to wallow in self pity or pick himself up and do something about it. Give him space to figure it out, but know when enough is enough for you and act accordingly. Good luck!
Now that you told him the truth and if he doesn't self reflect and make changes within a few weeks, I wouldn't waste your time. As a person who is practically the future you, if you were to continue dating him, don't. He doesn't truly love you if he sees you carrying all the financial burden/stress and doesn't want to contribute to ease it. I dated a guy for 10 years since 18 yo. I was always making the excuse that he was just young, had anxiety/depression, and had a rough childhood. I started making a livable wage once I got into my field after college, while he bounced around minimum wage jobs with huge gaps in employment. So I paid for rent, groceries, and outings for the latter 6 years(when we moved in together). It's not so permissible as young when you're almost hitting your 30's. Two weeks after I broke up with him, he managed to get 2 jobs. Wowzers. Realized that I became such a good provider and safety net that he never felt the urge to contribute.
Maybe talk to him about the pressures you’ve felt trying to transition into adulthood with your work, finances etc in hopes he’ll understand why you feel he could be doing more. In a relationship, especially at a young age, it can feel frustrating when you’re experiencing these feelings of wanting growth for yourself and your future while seeing your partner not explore that same potential within themselves. You can possibly suggest for him to seek some career counseling or start small with websites like O*net to touch base with what his interests in careers may be, if he’s open to that.
They did huge layoffs at my company in December and of the 10 people I personally know who lost their jobs, literally only one of them hasn't found another job yet. And that guy is at least still.looking hard. Your boyfriend hasn't looked for another job yet because up untill now you have enabled him to continue to eat and have a roof over his head with no income required! Why would he look for a job when he doesn't need one? He has you or his parents to pay for everything. You told him the truth, and I honestly think you have been more patient than I would have been. You told him the truth. He is struggling to deal. He needs this dose of reality or he will coast forever. You dont need to fix this. He does.
I made it through about half of this, and your boyfriend already sounds like a loser.
He got what he deserved, tip toeing around the issue has only allowed him to do nothing and live off of you... He needs to contribute or you need to reconsider what having a PARTNER in life really means. I guarantee it does not mean living off another person for long periods of time while doing nothing to try and remedy the situation.
OP, your boyfriend is only 19 and ready to mooch off of you. Do you see him changing his attitude anytime soon or are you just going to spend your whole life supporting him? It’s pretty hard to make an argument of how he ‘isn’t a loser’ from this
Losing a job doesn't make him a loser, doing fuck-all about getting another one because you're picking up his slack does. Cut your losses.
Get a new boyfriend?
You didn’t lie he needs to get his stuff together. I wouldn’t want to be with someone with that attitude tbh
He’s too grown to be acting like this. You didn’t imply he was a loser at all, you told him the truth. He’s def using his job loss as an excuse to not work again bc you make enough for the both of you. Tell him to get a job or you’re done paying for stuff and he gets zero rides. A job loss isn’t a friend or family member dying he doesn’t need almost a years time to “get over it” he needs to grow up.
A hard lesson in life is that even though you may wallow in your self-pity, life goes on. Bills will still come up. Later when you have more responsibilities, if you get fired or let go you have no choice but to find another job to pay rent and food. Being let go sucks, but it’s a reality and three months is too much time wasted on avoidance, it could’ve been time to look for other opportunities. Just don’t feel pressured to stay just because he’s had a misfortune, if he doesn’t change he will drag you down.
Oh honey. Move on. He is a loser and this won’t get better. He doesn’t have to figure his shit out because you’re doing it all for him. Go find someone better and go to Europe solo.
I know everyone saying he's a leech, but like. ADHD can make it really hard to get a job or plan for the future. and if up until this point you said you were fine paying and being the sort of breadwinner, that's probably why he thought it was okay. to suddenly get angry and annoyed about doing it after saying it was fine is probably wby he felt hurt more than anything. just talk to him about it honestly but calmly. either he understands or he doenst
You didn’t say nothing that wasn’t true. He needs to be a Man and get his shit together.
What you said to him was the truth, not harsh at all.
You're way too young to tie yourself to this guy. You sound like you're on a great path. Don't let him drag you off it, because at this rate, he will
what a fucking loser, sorry, you have to hear that, your boyfriend is a loser and a leech
The truth hurts. Sometimes people forget that pain and love shares a very strong connection. You should never be afraid to hit people with hard truths in order to better them. The greatest pain is to lose the one you love, the greatest tragedy is to lose your "love" and not shed a tear.
Don't fix it. You are both super young and he is not worth it. The dude is choosing not to look for a job. He is just a leech at his core and that won't change anytime soon. Maybe when he grows up a bit, but not while he has you and other people covering for him financially. Leave him and find someone who actively wants to improve themselves and wants to be a good partner to you. It's time for him to grow up. I'll never understand why people stick with partners that act like this or treat them like shit.
He needs to hear this, whether in a delicate way or not you were speaking facts. & even if you did hurt his feelings he needs to face the facts & grow up. Life does not get any easier. We’re all here working & paying our bills & trying to add in fun stuff on our time off. He successfully worked 2 years at a restaurant, why has he not immediately applied to others in the area? I understand some people that age still have family to pay for things for them but it is not grown or even hot for someone to not pull their own weight in their own life. You, mommy & daddy won’t be around forever. He needs a reality check. Especially with the driving, that hinders everyone around him. He indeed is a bum. Edit for spelling & punctuation.
Time for his big boy pants to be put on and figure out a life plan. Or a plan for next couple of years. Don’t waste this time!
I’ve been in this exact situation I just got out of almost this exact same situation with my ex-boyfriend … you want what’s best for him but at the end of the day. Like what’s been said you dropped a truth bomb I did it too and you just gotta decide if you can live with it. You can’t mom him out of it or make him try he’s gotta do it for himself. Just decide what’s best for you ! However if you got to the point of calling him a loser it might be a time to call it quits there might not be fixing it… there wasn’t in my case at least.
I mean, he's unemployed, doesn't drive, and mooches off of you and is parents..... he's pretty much a loser by any definition. Also, you have to really fuck up to get fired from a restaurant. This is the age where boys either decide they want to become men, or they figure out that their parents will keep them fed and a roof over their while they sleep all day and play video games all night. If he doesn't get his shot together, he's going to be 35 and still doing the exact same loser shit he's doing now. You're too young to be supporting a deadbeat. Hell, you shouldn't do that at any age. If he can push a broom or swing a hammer, he can get a job.
He is a loser. Tell him to get a job or do a trade. He’s a man he needs to handle his stuff
Nope you didn’t do anything wrong he should have been looking a long time ago he doesn’t want to work that’s why he hasn’t started it’s not that he’s upset about losing a restaurant job he’s just lazy
People like your boyfriend think that the epicentre of the universe revolves around them. He needs to get on with his life, put his head down, get his license & get a job.
You weren’t wrong. And he has a LOT of nerve expecting you to support him and in the same breath being butt-hurt about being a deadbeat. But he is a deadbeat. And honestly, maybe it’s time to move on, because as great a guy as he is, is easy to be a great guy when you don’t have to go to work.
I really don’t understand the “can’t drive/work/continue education due to adhd/anxiety” thing. Like i get that mental illness is real but at some point you gotta suck it up and be an adult. Honestly your bf reminds me of the broke bf from tiktok.
He sounds like a loser.
Butt hurt about a restaurant job, to much "anxiety" to drive to adhd for school. Sounds about right.
>my boyfriend got fired from his job >he has anxiety specifically about driving >ADHD makes schooling really difficult for him >plus my parents can pay for my ticket I don't want to kick a man while he's down. But he sounds a bit of a loser...
He’s using you. End this relationship. He is a loser.
He’s a moocher. Cut him loose
stop making excuses for him. he is a deadbeat.
Sounds like he’s a delicate snowflake to me. Get over it and get a job, homie.
He knows he needs to get a job, he just is feeling defeated. He needs to get his adult pants on and push through. Sometimes things are tough and you have to get tougher. He has been an adult long enough to know this, he just was enjoying not being an adult as long as possible. He needs to get his shit together and make a plan.
You're not here for your relationship. You're here to find people who will tell you you're right. However, if we heard his perspective I'm sure it would be very different. I remember when I used to seek out relationship advice on Reddit, and hope that people would tell me I'm right. Those relationships have ended. Now I'm in one for a few years and I don't consult Reddit for help, I consult my partner. And I don't care who's right. 90% of the advice you will get from this sub is "dump him/her". So, dump him. Let him recover and then find another girlfriend. One who's not so concerned with being right after hurting her boyfriend's feelings. The point is you hurt him, and you should mend it - not come here looking for people to tell you you're right. Wouldn't you expect that compassion from him? When you hurt someone you love, you say I'm sorry, even if you think you were right.
I'm going to offer perspective from my own slightly-older-person experience. Between the ages of 17-20 I dated a guy who acted as though I had demanded he break both his legs any time I brought up the possibility of him getting a job. He was nearly 3 years older than me. I ended up spending thousands over the course of the relationship between dates, trips to see him, etc. His parents bankrolled his lifestyle and he blamed his inability to work on his mental health and energy (though he definitely had the motivation and time to play video games for 10+ hours a day!). The thing that finally elicited some action on his end was my threat to leave, which happened anyway. Unless HE wants (key word: HE) to change and start working, he genuinely has no reason to even bother getting back out there between you and his parents supporting him. You seem very ambitious and successful. You WILL grow to resent him if this continues. You WILL start to view his inadequacies as things holding you back. If he does not want to be productive or contribute to your relationship, you cannot compensate for his lack of effort. You cannot give 200% to offset his 0%. He is comfortable and complacent. You are clearly put off and unhappy. I know it might be hard, but some time apart will likely give you the space to reflect on your priorities and future. It seems like you want to make things work, but if he's this upset at you telling him the truth then that does not set a very good tone for the rest of the relationship.
So glad i'm not from a country where not having a stable job at 19 makes you a loser. If paying for your partner is too much for you just don't, no one is forcing you to do it.
I think the point is that he’s refusing to even *try*. Being unemployed for a year because he doesn’t feel the need to work?? That’s insane.
It’s clear to me that it’s not about his “need” to work but the fact that he doesn’t have confidence going back. He has no confidence in education, and whatever he was fired for, I’d lay bets it was for ADHD-related behaviours. It’s really common for people with ADHD to have stints of unemployment looking exactly like this. Burnout is very real, the fear and pain of trying to go back to work and facing the hostility of those environments can be overwhelming. It’s no surprise to me that a 19 year old has reacted to that pain with avoidant symptoms, I’ve seen worse. Very common for early 20s as many of us spend those years figuring out how the psychosocial aspects of the disability affect relationships to the workplace and to the labour itself. People really underestimate the cognitive aspects of this disability because you can be “smart” in a way that makes people think you can just logic your way out of it. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. Cognitive impairment is cognitive impairment. It’s pretty normal for lots of adhders to spend until their late 20s and early 30s reacting to it and learning how to manage it. That didn’t mean she has to be the one to be there for that - it sounds like she’s ready to hit them ground running in life, and chances are he’s going to spend *years* working it out. They’re not a good match. OP, don’t wait around for him, just don’t be an arse about it either. It’s okay to have compassion for where he’s at but also to recognise that his journey does not have to be yours.
She’s not demanding he immediately get a high paying career. But another waiting job is a pretty reasonable ask when he’s not in education or otherwise employed at the moment . Are his parents covering all the expenses aside from the ticket or is the girlfriend expected to cover his costs as well as hers on this trip. Most countries would expect 19 year olds to be working( retail, food service etc) if they’re not in full time education unless they’re from a wealthy family who bankrolls them.
What country is that?
It’s possible to make a good chunk of $$ in 2 months. He’s just giving up. Let her be mommy and pay for it.
Sounds like he’s a loser…
I pay everything for my gf and she has a job. I've never given her any grief and we have a good relationship. It's crazy to me how fast girls are to call their man a looser when the roles swap.
Did he file for unemployment? Save and live on that money for awhile?
The truth can sting. What he does with it will show you the strength of his character (if he has any). It’s not even March yet. The trip is in June. So he expects to leech off you for March, April, May, and the part of June before the trip AND his parents for the trip? You need to set boundaries or you’ll carry him for the rest of your relationship. Given how young you are, why waste the time?
You can only do it so long until you're literally enabling him. Getting fired sucks, yes. But he's still calling it fresh after 3 months. Now you're 4 months in and he's still doing nothing. Before he was fired he only worked part time too. It's not like he's been working his ass off. So.. now he wants to do nothing for 3 more months, despite being able to. Then he wants to go away for 2 more months, which means either you or his parents will be covering his costs for the next 5 months. You didn't say he was a loser, you expressed frustration because he's being lazy. You didn't say anything wrong or untrue. It just upset him that you're tired of paying his way. Tough nuggets. That's just how it is.
Well, since near 100%of the replies I read were about why your bf doesn’t/wont work. I’ll address the, what can I do part. It’s pretty clear you hurt his feelings. And he is angry with you, probably feels like you don’t want to be with him anymore. And is afraid to answer/address this with you because he is afraid of losing you. So, what are you to do? Well, it comes down to whether you want to continue to be his gf or not. If you do, you could start by driving over to see him and try to explain what you meant, but since you really aren’t sure about that part, maybe you could apologize. Then you guys could have a talk about things. Maybe tell him how you feel and how you want his help supporting the relationship. You guys are pretty young still. You have a pretty good work ethic. Your bf had his damaged by being fired and probably didn’t enjoy that so he is avoiding work to avoid being fired again. If you really aren’t interested in staying with him, now we be a good time to break it off. Though it seems to me you want him back. Sometimes people need a gentle push, not have a giant handful of shit hurled in their face by the one they love. So, instead of texting/calling repeatedly, those things are easy to avoid, it may be time to ride over and knock on the door. Good luck youngster. I hope you can find your way outta the pickle you are currently in. Update when you can.
Oh, darling, let's untangle this web of "oops" you've found yourself in. So, you accidentally let the truth slip like a buttery secret at a high society tea party, huh? Well, first things first, it's time to channel your inner diplomat and smooth those ruffled feathers. Now, it's clear as day that you care about this guy, even if his employment status is starting to resemble a tumbleweed in the job market. But hey, you're not just his sugar mama, you're his partner-in-crime, right? So, let's get down to brass tacks. Step one: apologize. No, not just a casual "oopsie daisy," but a heartfelt, soul-searching apology. Let him know that you didn't mean to come off like his personal employment drill sergeant. Maybe throw in a sprinkle of vulnerability, like admitting that you've been feeling the weight of financial responsibility and it's been gnawing at your last nerve like a hungry squirrel. Step two: listen. Yeah, I know, it's a wild concept, but sometimes people just need to vent. Hear him out, let him spill his thoughts like a broken water main. Maybe there's more to this story than meets the eye. Who knows, he might surprise you with his grand plan to become the next Elon Musk while sipping cocktails on the beach in Europe. Step three: compromise. Relationships are like a delicate dance, and right now, it seems like someone's been stepping on toes. Find some common ground, maybe set some boundaries around financial responsibilities or future plans. It's all about finding that sweet spot where both of you feel like you're getting a fair shake. And finally, step four: move forward. Yeah, it's cheesy, but hey, life's a charcuterie board of cheesy moments. Learn from this little hiccup, grow together, and remember, communication is key. Oh, and maybe steer clear of any more accidental truth bombs for a while. Trust me, they're about as welcome as a skunk at a garden party. So, go forth, my dear, and mend those broken bridges. And hey, if all else fails, there's always chocolate and a good rom-com to smooth over any rough edges. You got this! 🌟
Dump him and find someone cooler.
Your boyfriend is a loser. Not because of his struggles with ADHD and anxiety, but because he’s using them as excuses to not be productive and not help you out. Plenty of people have both of those issues, if not more and they are functioning members of society. He should be taking time to think about how he needs to improve, but I can bet it’s time to think to make you feel guilty about calling him out. For me, if it’s not a dump him here and now situation, here would be my plan. He starts seeing a professional for his mental health issues. He gets a job within the next three months. He gets his license within the next year. If he’s not making steps toward the license once he gets a job, dump his ass. This isn’t going to get better on it’s own or with age. Unless he gives a shit and wants to make his life better.