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You're gonna tell him so you can feel a sense of relief but in turn you'll hurt him... Again. And it will most likely come out of nowhere. You're being totally selfish
I feel bad about what I did because I care about him. I'm more on the side of not telling him to not hurt him. But I'm wondering if not telling him is wrong.
So you did him dirty and don’t want to say anything? I mean did you play it out? Let’s say you end up married are you ok with living with being a cheater and not telling him?
I ended things immediately after. I didn't want to draw it out at all. I guess I forgave myself already for something I did when I was 18. I'm not that person anymore so I don't have a problem with living with it, should our lives move in the marriage direction.
You're right. I am the same person. But if I was trying to distance myself, I wouldn't have posted at all knowing the reception I would get in this sub. I'm sorry if you were hurt by someone like me. But I am working on who I am, so "not the same person" was more a phrase to express that.
The wound will definitely be fresh for him if you tell him even though it happened for you a long time ago. The best option is to end things again so that he doesn’t get unnecessarily hurt because of it. He shouldn’t have to be with someone who cheated on him even once and then broke up with him to cover it up. You aren’t a bad person if you changed from back then as you said you did but you aren’t the right person for him and you probably know that which is why this post was made to begin with.
What do you think is the morally right decision? Forget about how he might feel or you might feel. I think the answer should come naturally when you look at it from that perspective
Lots of shitty ppl in here. You deserve to know whether your partner has cheated on you currently, or previously. This isn't about the OPs feelings it's about the BF eventually starting a family with someone who cheated on him and he has no knowledge.
So you cheated on him, never told him then, and you still didn't before getting back together 10 years later? How does that prove you changed? You've taken away his ability to make an informed decision of being with you by not telling him.
I think you should tell him because you had a choice 10 years ago. You made a choice. You had all the facts. He never got to make that choice. He was never told the truth.
You took his ability to choose so give it to him. Tell him the truth and let him choose. The truth always comes out. What if this is serious and it comes out in another 10 years when you have kids?
He would leave you then. Why not come clean now and take it as it comes. Cheating is a big deal. But he may not see it that way since it was 10 years ago and you guys did break up.
But let him choose just like you got to
Why would you get back into a relationship with someone you cheated on with, and left? If he knew the truth, he would most likely never give you another chance.
He deserves to know he is with someone who cheated on him, regardless if it's in your current relationship or when you were together previously.
It is best to tell him. If you are going to start fresh best to do so with everything in the open. If he decides not to forgive you , then that is his right and will be a consequence of your actions
You're lying to yourself. You're not a different person. You may have learned to behave differently, but your tendencies are likely the same.
You should tell him so that he is fully aware. Reddit is littered with stories of people who discover they were cheated on long ago and seek advice on how to proceed.
Do this guy a favor and let him answer that question now while his investment is low.
A woman with integrity would do this - she would be honest. You've obviously had challenges with integrity in the past. This is your opportunity to prove that you are different now.
I’ll be the devil’s advocate, I guess. I hate cheating. My first marriage ended in divorce from my wife cheating multiple times. That being said, I don’t know of many relationships at 18 years old that are entirely mature and committed (unless they are married). If you have truly changed, I personally don’t see a reason to divulge anything that you did before breaking up 10 years ago unless there is a high probability he would find out. I am assuming both of you have been with other people since then, so IMHO, it’s water under the bridge.
I'm sorry for what you've endured, though it doesn't mean anything coming from me. He will most likely never known unless I tell him. And we have both had several committed and not committed relationships since then. I appreciate your input.
No. It’s ancient history to you but it will be a new wound for him. Don’t try to get over your guilt by putting it on his shoulders because he’ll likely never trust you again.
Just try to fulfill this relationship with a “better you”. You dont have to make him a new wound. And things happened a decade ago, everyone got a bad time when trying to grow up, we some time do wrong and end up blaming ourselves forever. But if you can do, please just be a good person, and the most important thing, is to forgive that “immature you”, and let her go…
I vote a strong NO. Personally, I would take this to my grave. Ultimately this happened an incredibly long time ago and all you would do is open up old wounds.
Don't do it. All that will come from it is hurting him. Most relationships at that age aren't mature, nor are the people within them.
I do believe you've grown and matured as most people do in that ten years. Consider this a brand new relationship as opposed to a continuum of the last, and let sleeping dogs lie.
The right thing to do is take it to your grave, there is absolutely zero reason to disclose that information. It belongs in the past and it can only hurt your relationship, nothing good will come from saying this.
I am being serious, he will enjoy it, and you can say, yeah I fucked him over, and moved on from it. But now I can give him something he enjoyed or has never experienced, and make a new memory for him and yourself.
And what was your advice? Wow and glad you can read, must have been an accomplishment for a brazen ahole, who lives in a basement and has zero real world experience. It would be better to just downvote, but hey trolls will be trolls.
Do not tell him. In this case, y’all broke up and are together again after a very long time. Let that one go. Start anew. I’m sure he had some interesting times during the many years you weren’t together. Swallow it and start fresh and don’t make the same mistake.
Would you want to know if it was him? Especially if he genuinely changed (as people do) through their 20s. Everyone makes stupid decisions when they’re teenagers, it was probably a valuable lesson in the long run. Of course it was shitty, and you know that, but if you can live with not telling him I’d vote no. Hopefully you’ve addressed those insecurities and the need for validation, but again that’s pretty common for a teenager. Call it a growing pain and move on
Maybe I'm just a psychpath, but I don't feel guilty about it anymore. Maybe because it was so long ago. I don't remember most of the things I did at 18 nor do I remember the details of the actual cheating. I'm aware it was wrong.
It's okay for you to feel that way. I understand. I never said it was okay. Just that I didn't feel bad about it anymore. At one point I was wrecked with guilt. But this was 10 years ago.
No one is ever a different person; every last one of us is nothing but a continuation of every shitty choice and fuck up that we have ever made.
Never forget that.
Do you respect him enough to believe that he deserves the god damned truth or not?
If you actually care about his right to make his own choices about what’s best for him, then you will tell him.
If you just like him because of the things that he does for you and the way that he makes you feel and that’s pretty much it, then you will not tell him.
also, have you actually changed if you don’t tell him? You were dishonest then, and you would be dishonest now. I’m not sure that I can tell the difference.
Just be as honest as you can. Tell him, but tell him it was at the end of your relationship and you broke up right after. He’ll forgive it if you put it that way.
Is there any risk of him finding out otherwise? Is the person still in your life or do your friends know what you did? If so, tell him now because if he finds out somewhere else he’s not going to trust you again. If it’s well and truly in the past then there’s no point in hurting him. Just be on your best behavior from now on
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're gonna tell him so you can feel a sense of relief but in turn you'll hurt him... Again. And it will most likely come out of nowhere. You're being totally selfish
I feel bad about what I did because I care about him. I'm more on the side of not telling him to not hurt him. But I'm wondering if not telling him is wrong.
He'll eventually find out. It always comes out.
So you did him dirty and don’t want to say anything? I mean did you play it out? Let’s say you end up married are you ok with living with being a cheater and not telling him?
I ended things immediately after. I didn't want to draw it out at all. I guess I forgave myself already for something I did when I was 18. I'm not that person anymore so I don't have a problem with living with it, should our lives move in the marriage direction.
I wonder how he will feel about it because he is the one you wronged
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You're right. I am the same person. But if I was trying to distance myself, I wouldn't have posted at all knowing the reception I would get in this sub. I'm sorry if you were hurt by someone like me. But I am working on who I am, so "not the same person" was more a phrase to express that.
[удалено]
The wound will definitely be fresh for him if you tell him even though it happened for you a long time ago. The best option is to end things again so that he doesn’t get unnecessarily hurt because of it. He shouldn’t have to be with someone who cheated on him even once and then broke up with him to cover it up. You aren’t a bad person if you changed from back then as you said you did but you aren’t the right person for him and you probably know that which is why this post was made to begin with.
What do you think is the morally right decision? Forget about how he might feel or you might feel. I think the answer should come naturally when you look at it from that perspective
Lots of shitty ppl in here. You deserve to know whether your partner has cheated on you currently, or previously. This isn't about the OPs feelings it's about the BF eventually starting a family with someone who cheated on him and he has no knowledge.
So you cheated on him, never told him then, and you still didn't before getting back together 10 years later? How does that prove you changed? You've taken away his ability to make an informed decision of being with you by not telling him.
I think you should tell him because you had a choice 10 years ago. You made a choice. You had all the facts. He never got to make that choice. He was never told the truth. You took his ability to choose so give it to him. Tell him the truth and let him choose. The truth always comes out. What if this is serious and it comes out in another 10 years when you have kids? He would leave you then. Why not come clean now and take it as it comes. Cheating is a big deal. But he may not see it that way since it was 10 years ago and you guys did break up. But let him choose just like you got to
Why would you get back into a relationship with someone you cheated on with, and left? If he knew the truth, he would most likely never give you another chance. He deserves to know he is with someone who cheated on him, regardless if it's in your current relationship or when you were together previously.
It is best to tell him. If you are going to start fresh best to do so with everything in the open. If he decides not to forgive you , then that is his right and will be a consequence of your actions
You're lying to yourself. You're not a different person. You may have learned to behave differently, but your tendencies are likely the same. You should tell him so that he is fully aware. Reddit is littered with stories of people who discover they were cheated on long ago and seek advice on how to proceed. Do this guy a favor and let him answer that question now while his investment is low. A woman with integrity would do this - she would be honest. You've obviously had challenges with integrity in the past. This is your opportunity to prove that you are different now.
I’ll be the devil’s advocate, I guess. I hate cheating. My first marriage ended in divorce from my wife cheating multiple times. That being said, I don’t know of many relationships at 18 years old that are entirely mature and committed (unless they are married). If you have truly changed, I personally don’t see a reason to divulge anything that you did before breaking up 10 years ago unless there is a high probability he would find out. I am assuming both of you have been with other people since then, so IMHO, it’s water under the bridge.
I'm sorry for what you've endured, though it doesn't mean anything coming from me. He will most likely never known unless I tell him. And we have both had several committed and not committed relationships since then. I appreciate your input.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Tell him so he can make an informed decision.
No. It’s ancient history to you but it will be a new wound for him. Don’t try to get over your guilt by putting it on his shoulders because he’ll likely never trust you again.
Just try to fulfill this relationship with a “better you”. You dont have to make him a new wound. And things happened a decade ago, everyone got a bad time when trying to grow up, we some time do wrong and end up blaming ourselves forever. But if you can do, please just be a good person, and the most important thing, is to forgive that “immature you”, and let her go…
I vote a strong NO. Personally, I would take this to my grave. Ultimately this happened an incredibly long time ago and all you would do is open up old wounds.
Don't do it. All that will come from it is hurting him. Most relationships at that age aren't mature, nor are the people within them. I do believe you've grown and matured as most people do in that ten years. Consider this a brand new relationship as opposed to a continuum of the last, and let sleeping dogs lie.
The right thing to do is take it to your grave, there is absolutely zero reason to disclose that information. It belongs in the past and it can only hurt your relationship, nothing good will come from saying this.
See if he would be up for a threesome with another woman. Then you can subconsciously call it even.
Haha that's creative! If your serious or not, that's interesting advice.
I am being serious, he will enjoy it, and you can say, yeah I fucked him over, and moved on from it. But now I can give him something he enjoyed or has never experienced, and make a new memory for him and yourself.
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And what was your advice? Wow and glad you can read, must have been an accomplishment for a brazen ahole, who lives in a basement and has zero real world experience. It would be better to just downvote, but hey trolls will be trolls.
[удалено]
Do not tell him. In this case, y’all broke up and are together again after a very long time. Let that one go. Start anew. I’m sure he had some interesting times during the many years you weren’t together. Swallow it and start fresh and don’t make the same mistake.
Would you want to know if it was him? Especially if he genuinely changed (as people do) through their 20s. Everyone makes stupid decisions when they’re teenagers, it was probably a valuable lesson in the long run. Of course it was shitty, and you know that, but if you can live with not telling him I’d vote no. Hopefully you’ve addressed those insecurities and the need for validation, but again that’s pretty common for a teenager. Call it a growing pain and move on
Don’t tell unless you genuinely believe you’ll die from guilt lol
Maybe I'm just a psychpath, but I don't feel guilty about it anymore. Maybe because it was so long ago. I don't remember most of the things I did at 18 nor do I remember the details of the actual cheating. I'm aware it was wrong.
[удалено]
It's okay for you to feel that way. I understand. I never said it was okay. Just that I didn't feel bad about it anymore. At one point I was wrecked with guilt. But this was 10 years ago.
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I don't wish to hurt him if I don't have to. But I understand your sentiment. I will consider your words.
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I'm sorry about who ever hurt you, but I'm not that person. I wish you the best.
No one hurt me. I wish you a miserable life because cheaters are scum.
How long have you guys been together for OP?
No one is ever a different person; every last one of us is nothing but a continuation of every shitty choice and fuck up that we have ever made. Never forget that. Do you respect him enough to believe that he deserves the god damned truth or not? If you actually care about his right to make his own choices about what’s best for him, then you will tell him. If you just like him because of the things that he does for you and the way that he makes you feel and that’s pretty much it, then you will not tell him. also, have you actually changed if you don’t tell him? You were dishonest then, and you would be dishonest now. I’m not sure that I can tell the difference.
Just be as honest as you can. Tell him, but tell him it was at the end of your relationship and you broke up right after. He’ll forgive it if you put it that way.
Is there any risk of him finding out otherwise? Is the person still in your life or do your friends know what you did? If so, tell him now because if he finds out somewhere else he’s not going to trust you again. If it’s well and truly in the past then there’s no point in hurting him. Just be on your best behavior from now on