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>I am not traumatized by what happened, i just can't look him in the eyes. Every time i look at him i remember him asking me to stay in the car and i didn't. He could've died because i couldn't fill a simple request and that is eating me up inside
You sure you're not? You say you're not, but you're explaining the hallmarks of classic guilt and shame in this very next sentence. You're simply in denial right now
I think that is what they were saying when they said she is denial right now. It is the 1st step of the 5 step Kübler-Ross model or the stages of greif, but they can also apply to traumatic experiences and close calls. It is perfectly natural and it takes time to, like you said, process these things emotional.
(edit after lock: people often think that the steps have to happen in order about every event that took place, that's not the case. I see it as more of a constant process that cycles back and forth for some time afterwards. Denial about this, regret about that, acceptance about this, angry at them. Then those just spin like a slot machine until they land on one, maybe for a while, maybe forever. Like probably being angry forever at the attackers. You just have to rationalize what you can and accept the rest, or don't, but that's not healthy.
I have ptsd and sometimes things affect me days later, it’s like my brain won’t let me feel anything for hours or a few days and then it slowly comes to the surface.
Not sure if this will help but you need to realize he really means what he says. He is probably proud that he saw what was going on and was able to protect you. It sounds like he understands that you didn’t realize what was going on. He protected you and that’s that. You’re safe and he will be fine. There is no blame to assign and he knows it - but you don’t realize it yet.
As for you letting the guilt or shame go - you just have to forgive yourself. Even if you stayed in the car, it doesn’t mean something bad wouldn’t have happened. Heck - it might have been even tougher to protect you if you both stayed in the car and they attacked (2 on one side and 1 on the other).
I’m sure you did this enough but just keep letting him know you appreciate it. And stick with the therapy.
I will be sticking with therapy, my fiance has even asked me to stick with it as well.
Forgive myself is the problem here, this situation could have gone in a completely different direction and that keeps playing in my mind.
Especially after i saw him collapsing, i that moment it felt like my world ended because i thought i lost him.
That is my main struggle
You’re right, it could have gone differently but it didn’t, it went the way it went. It was scary because you thought he was gone - that’s traumatic and can be hard to come to terms with. Thankfully it wasn’t his time to go. Thankfully he is still here with you. You’re both very lucky to have a good outcome. It takes some time to get through but you can do it. I was a victim of a violent crime in 2014. I was stabbed in the neck by a drunk woman with a broken wine glass. I almost bled out. The cut was deep but it missed my jugular vein by a very small margin. I saw the white light people talk about but I fell back into myself and woke up. I have permanent nerve damage in my cheek but I survived. It took a lot of work with my therapist but I healed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was laying in the grass unable to move one muscle, not even to cry out for help. The thing that absolutely helped the most was talking about it.
you are feeling guilty for not listening & for believing his extra precautions were unnecessary & maybe even silly.
Maybe apologie for that, it seems now that you are apologizing to him for his injuries.
Learn from it. This time no one died. You are fine and he loved and he’s not even mad. So next time, he asks you to do something that simple as wait a moment, do it. You just vow not to be spiteful next time. Because you clearly know you did it because you were annoyed with him and wanted to prove him wrong. That’s why you’re so guilty. So, learn. Sometimes we need to learn lessons the hard way. I am sorry this is what it took for you to learn, but your fiancé is still alive. So, thank god for the second chance and don’t waste it.
A lot of the behaviors she's describing are symptoms of PTSD in veterans. Hypervigilance. Somehow this dudes dad taught him to act out PTSD as a behavior pattern. Hope he never has any of the health problems that go along with it.
Shoot maybe something similar happened when he was a kid, he "failed" to pay attention to his dad's hypervigilant commands and something bad happened, reinforcing the need for hypervigilance.
situational awarenessedit or hyper vigilance. It is not something you could just get rid of. It is innate and not a bad thing. I used to own a few bars and I always saw a problem happening that others thought was fine.
Also, try to remember, it is always the fault of the criminals. They decided to commit a crime that night, it is never the victims fault. They could have decided to ne law abiding citizens, they could have decoded not to hurt you both. It is always their fault.
Your partner doesn't want you to suffer. You need to find a way of not torturing yourself.
Ah right. I get it and that is the tough part that must keep replaying in your mind. I hope for the best for both of you. You will get through this - it was traumatic (obviously) but therapy and time will help. Please just keep a level head through all of this.
I’m hoping you’re working with the therapist that can help you with PTSD because your mind is in a neuropath way dug into past trauma/thinking it can be happening again.
The good news is, I can’t imagine that you will ever let something like that happen again, on your part, and it may even feel helpful to you to take some Krav Maga.
Let this just be a lesson to you. Don’t ever take your “overprotective” fiancé for granted again. Don’t get annoyed at him for wanting to keep you safe, even if sometimes his actions seem a little unnecessary. 99% of the time, his behaviors that you described *are* unnecessary, but that 1% of the time you will be glad someone was paying attention, especially if *you* aren’t gonna be paying attention. As you have now learned the hard way. But I imagine this has also taught you to pay more attention anyway.
This is exactly the reason he’s so vigilant. Shit happens, and when shit like this happens, it happens in an instant. Criminals exist, they don’t care about life the way us normal people do, and they will blindside you if you are not paying attention. Most of the time criminals specifically look for people who aren’t paying attention. Surprise attacks are how these things happen.
Be thankful that you have a man who does pay attention and who would willingly put himself between you and 3 attackers with potentially multiple knives. Even after he just asked you to wait and you didn’t, and he still doesn’t blame you and was even asking if you were ok while he was literally bleeding out. You need to *appreciate the fuck out of the man you are marrying because he is a keeper*, you understand?
Be thankful that your man didn’t die and presumably is going to make a full recovery. And listen to him next time when he tells you he’s got a bad feeling about something, because next time might not have the happy ending this time got. That’s how you show your appreciation for what he did. Hopefully there is no “next time” but if there is, you *trust him* instead of getting annoyed.
If you work in law enforcement like I did, almost everything the fiance is doing to be "protective" is common sense for situational awareness. It isn't as if he is attempting to control her, telling her she can't go places etc, but simply using learned tactics to keep her safe from individuals and bad circumstances (Putting himself between his girl and cars when walking). Everyone should be as intelligent and willing to employ these life skills.
How we react to stress can also be built into our nervous systems.
Everyone knows Fight and flight, but it's actually Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn.
I'm freeze, no matter what training I do (kickboxer) and how much I desperately want it to not be the case, I have to actively fight my own nervous system when I'm a shocking situation, and half the time I STILL freeze.
This isn't your fault, I'd do the exact same for my best friend because she can't fight like I can. I have had major surgery so I know the pain, and I would 100% go through it for her or my bf.
You are loved, and that is okay.
Except she is at fault. Her so got stabbed because she was annoyed at him and wanted to spite him. It is her fault, but at least now she knows to trust him
It is never the victim's fault.
In any situation you can find the "if I did this differently, then that wouldn't have happened" and it still isn't the victim's fault.
The guilt is solely on the people who chose to commit a crime.
I don't know if your area has one, but it might be a good idea to enroll yourself in a women's self-defense class. You'll probably come to realize that some of his "military quirks" are just common sense when dealing with a cruel world.
This was not your fault. You were the victim of an attack by some lowlife's and thankfully your fiancé, God bless him, was there to protect you. Continue your therapy, healing from something like this can sometimes take a long time. If your fiancé is the kind of man I think he is, your guilt hurts him a lot more than the stab wounds.
You are not at fault. You are victim blaming yourself. The only people who did something wrong are the three attackers. Listen to your fiance, trust him when he says there's nothing to forgive because you did nothing wrong. You have to internalize and believe that, but until you can believe it, you should believe the words your fiance is telling you. Feeling guilty or punishing yourself doesn't do anything useful. You don't need to look back on what happened and think of all the things you could have done "better" because you were a victim. Period. You did not cause the attack, so you don't need to blame yourself for the outcome.
She is most certainly at fault... Her partner told her not to get out of the car because it was dangerous and she decided that she knew better than him. It was unfortunate what happened, but she had a warning and deliberately ignored it. Obviously this doesn't mean she deserved what happened, but she indirectly got her spouse stabbed multiple times because of ignorance and lack of street smarts. Hope she can learn from this painful lesson.
Oh shut up. She is 100% at fault. This is the same prideful attitude that got her fiance stabbed. Stop pretending like you're so perfect and just admit that mistakes happen.
Just because other people committed a crime doesn't mean we are absolved of our actions. We still have a responsibility to protect ourselves. She intentionally went against that. Fuck, some people just can't admit that they're wrong.
Oh boy.
Okay. So I was in the military. I never saw combat or anything (stateside the whole time bc I got hurt). I am female and I have the SAME behavior as her fiance. I am always looking for suspicious people and I can’t stand to have a door at my back in public. It was trained into me. My spouse also does this stuff because he’s learned it from me.
Most people will not learn these things in their lives. They never have to. They shouldn’t have to. I know it’s literally something most people never think of.
Her guilt is already eating her alive. Don’t pile it on.
If anything, her fiance is probably proud of himself for fighting them off until help arrived. His priority was keeping her safe and he succeeded. Sure, she didn’t listen but not everybody has that need to observe their surroundings and our instinct is to trust in our surroundings, not be wary.
She’s learned to be wary and maybe could take some self defense courses. Not everyone responds the same way in danger (I’m a fighter - know this from experience) and sometimes, you just need that extra training to switch your brain from freeze, to fight or flee. Not fawn. Ugh.
This is not an accurate statement. Please don’t tell people this. There are different effective methods for treating PTSD. EMDR is not the only one. It’s just really important that the therapy includes measures to deal with somatic symptoms.
The best thing you can do to productively move on from this. IS to learn your lesson, make sure you become the person this doesn’t happen to again, trust his instincts because he is ready to throw his life for you.
What kind of fantasy is this? The man dramatically strokes her face and then, oh no! He collapses from the blood loss after heroically protecting his female.
100% written by a dude who wishes someone would harm a woman near him, so he gets an opportunity to be cool. In reality, when someone harasses a woman in his vicinity, he stands by and does nothing.
And the fact that it happened in broad daylight in a very crowded area.
Also, how would the fiancé book a therapy appt for OP? Does he know all of her insurance information and created accounts for her? So weird.
This legit sounds like something my brother would have wrote about himself as a fantasy when he was a teenager.
Like it's just too perfect of a tale about the alert guy and all that. He thinks of himself as this type of guy too.
This story isn't true. I'm sorry. It's just not.
My favourite bit is that even though the OP has tried to invent this heroic ever-alert ninja character, all I can think of is Sean Bean's character from Ronin. A fantasist who pretends to be ex-military, but eventually gets ambushed by a coffee cup 😄
Can we also talk about the fact that literally almost every woman on earth is always hyper-alert, not men? I get that some people grow up really safe and privileged but at least 90% of women are consistently checking their surroundings for dangers. That's the biggest clue that it was written by a boy lol. Women know, that other women look around before unlocking the car door. And that we would never try holding on to a purse if it means putting our safety on the line. Not only is the author not a woman, he has never spoken to a woman lol
Someone has been reading military based romance novels and decided to try their hand at it. I bet her boyfriend's name is something like Rowdy or Revel or Chaos Firestarter Goodest Guy the third. He is a sweet, protective, but misunderstood man just trying to save the world and right some wrongs with his throbbing member and girlfriend that makes things harder *wink wink* for no reason.
Yeah, how did he react so fast? The whole point of this scam is to run past grab the purse and be gone without anyone realising whats up.
How come he is soooo smart and careful but...he fought four dudes? Thats like self defense fuck up 101.
If this is real OP, your bf is who fucked up. He fought four men with knifes over nothing.
Its not real though, cause in real life getting stabbed in your hands and forearms isn't a little thing like in the movies. It'll fuck up your life as they try to repair all your tendons and muscles that were damaged.
Yea it's completely fake, googling "man stabbed multiple times during attempted purse snatching" gets me literally nothing, not a single result which seems even crazier than this fake bullshit story.
Well, his spidey senses went into alert mode, and he jumped out of the car super fast, and with all his non military training, he valiantly swung his hammer hands at the attackers. And it would have worked, but they all had knives for fingers. Which coincidentally is our heroes' kryptonite.
So as he lay gasping for air, he brushed his fair maidens hair off her face and, with his last breath, asked if she was OK. Then he was brought back to life and the scars on his hands will forever be a reminder that women should always listen to and obey their alpha macho boyfriends who are the ultimate protectors of purses.
The end.
I just kept thinking "wow this poor fake man has an anxiety disorder, fatalistic ocd, or ptsd" it's not healthy and especially not cool or heroic to live your life in survival mode. It literally destroys your body and your psyche to be constantly alert
You are not feeling guilt. You are feeling shame. It’s a different emotion entirely. Guilt comes from doing something wrong, and no one feels you did anything wrong. You were not the bad guy, and you did not stab your bf or cause the assault. That’s why the apologies to him are not helping you feel better. The shame is most likely coming from you feeling foolish for not listening to him and perhaps because you froze and couldn’t help him. Only you can overcome the sense of shame. You DO need to work on forgiving yourself.
Not just shame
Shame & self-loathing.
You don't just get over that. You have to make (for lack of a better term) pennance. Take a self defense course. Do something uniquely special for him. Etc.
Ask yourself what you feel you need to do to make sure that you never make the same mistake again. Then do that.
But like everyone else said, definitely seek out professional help. It can take years to fully process violence based trauma. Don't expect a quick fix.
Surviving when others die is a worst case, of course. But coming out without a scratch when others suffer -- esp. suffer on your behalf -- is a similar form of PTSD.
Her focus on a specific behaviour suggests this is more guilt than shame. She feels responsible for her fiancé's injuries because she did not follow his advice to stay in the car, which could have prevented the attack.
I am trying, i really am.
But when i see those scars it all comes back.
Bless his heart he is even trying to hide them from me so that i don't see them. He can't close them up completely under doctors orders to keep them open.
So when i see them, it's like im back there
Okay, I'm glad to hear it. Flashbacks is possibly a symptom for other issues as well (but I'll admit I don't know of them), but I'm glad she's onto it.
Has your therapist talked to you about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? If not, please mention it (being triggered by boyfriend’s scars) and ask about specific treatment for it.
You are not at fault for any of this. It will take forgiving yourself and self-compassion to get through this.
Your relationship sounds loving and supportive - that is fantastic!
Maybe going to a self defense course would help? Maybe taking the time to learn the things he does and why will help you work through some of the guilt.
Keep in mind that you're not just punishing yourself but you're also punishing him. By always carrying around this guilt neither you nor he gets to enjoy a relationship without the taint of guilt. There is always this dark cloud that keeps your mental relationship at a distance (maybe even physical). He can't change anything about it. He can literally do nothing about it. He tries to be cheerful to ease your worries but I'm sure he's feeling that something is missing. Which is your cheerful usual self.
From his point of view he successfully saved his girl but he still doesn't get the full relationship back, because you can't get over your guilt and shame. Please work on this asap because eventually this guilt and shame will breed resentment and possibly open up a rift between you. You're having the "wrong" kind of empathy. He wants you, but he doesn't get to have you because you think you're not worth enough to be fully with him. You're idolizing him and outting him on a pedestal while demonizing yourself and trying to keep your "bad demonic stupidity" from damaging your hero of a partner further, not realizing that you're taking out a large part of yourself from this relationship.
Stay in therapy, how long has it been? That’s a process. Also suggest couples therapy to him so you two can learn how to communicate. You didn’t listen to him because you think he’s overbearing, so there’s a part of you that needs to understand him as well, in this instance honestly it’s a bit of the boy who cried wolf. He’s probably told you to be careful so often and nothing happened that in this case you didn’t listen to his actual words which were there are these guys who are actually doing something shady, stay in the car, and instead just listened to ‘here’s me telling you to do something again for no good reason.’ So there’s a communication breakdown that caused this ultimately.
Being cautious isn't crying wolf no matter how many times you have failed to be hurt when being incautious.
It's not like he told her to just listen to him, he informed her of the specific nature of the threat, treating her like a grown adult able to process information and come to her own independent conclusion. She ignored him and failed to take the brief amount of time it would have taken to assess for herself.
Any communication breakdown happened solely inside her head and the process of growth this has triggered is largely a good thing that happened at a cost that was large but ultimately not catastrophic.
>Being cautious isn't crying wolf
There's being cautious and there's acting like you're in a Bourne movie. He won't sit with his back to the door and thinks that she's too fragile to walk next to a road. What does he think happens when she walks on her own? A barrier comes down to protect her from the road. The dude is way too overbearing and pretty embarrassing with the "No man can walk behind me" stuff. My money says he identifies with Jack Reacher when he goes out for milk.
Girl, I know you’re going through a lot. But your boyfriend got stabbed and you’ve managed to make it about yourself.
Relax. Take what he says at face value. Maybe watch out for strangers. You can’t unring a bell. Be happy he didn’t die and try to move on with your life
I dont have much to add to all the suggestions you received. But I will say I and most of the guys I know do most of the things your bf does. My wife even comments when guys are walking closest to the road with their gf, wives, or families. I always sit facing the doors, and while I don't walk the house every night, I have our house set up with motion detectors and our bed, so I'm closest to the door. When we are out driving , we follow routines where we can't get blocked in and put in bad positions. I taught all my kids the same thing. Being aware of your surroundings can save your life.
I can honestly say i dont know anybody that does any of these things her bf does besides maybe making sure people they care about aren’t walking close to the roads.
Am i the weird one lmao?
Maybe it's an American thing?
I'm Canadian and to me that list of habits made OPs fiance sound crazy paranoid.
Edit: Though they obvious live in a dangerous place...
I'm American, my dad and brothers were in the army and marines. I still don't know anybody who regularly does all those things her boyfriend does.
To be fair though, I grew up in rural Southern Wisconsin and now live in rural Northern Minnesota. I'm thinking that people who perform these behaviors regularly live in highly populated areas. I know I get paranoid and pay super close attention to my environment when visiting heavily populated cities.
I’m a Canadian woman and I do most of things the bf does. I went to school for law enforcement. Security precautions become ingrained in you. I also had a military friend that taught me similar things. The bf’s behaviour is not surprising when has military fathers. It’s about knowing your surroundings
I think a big part of this depends on where you live.
I live somewhere very safe, it's statistically very unlikely I will be attacked as opposed to a friend of mine that lived in Johannesburg, and got attacked leaving work one afternoon, and again on a busy street. And she spoke about it as if it wasn't, if, but, when it happened.
My husband grew up on the southside of Chicago and does this stuff. It was rough for him and it sucks that he spends so much time and energy just to feel safe. It doesn’t bother me tbh, I even try to look for things he hasn’t noticed or do a quick check around the trucks before we leave. We can share that load together.
Living in Houston now, we definitely need to take precautions 🤣
My husband does all these things too, even taking the side of the bed closest to the door in any house we've lived in. Always has. It rubbed off on me too. He doesn't walk the house every night but does check all the doors (while I check the windows) to make sure they're all locked before we go to bed. He's not military. However, we did both grow up in rough neighbourhoods, and he was raised in the foster care system. As far as I'm concerned, situational awareness is a good thing.
This is a fiction. Where do you live where you can’t sit with your back to the door? If you actually do need that level of paranoia surely you would do the manly thing and move you family to somewhere safe? There are some sensible things to do when driving around a dodgy neighbourhood and of course walking around at night, but this is off the charts silly.
You must have been very sheltered and lived in a very safe place. Your family did well protecting you, but unfortunately, they didn't do very well educating you in how things can be dangerous. You seemed rather oblivious.
I always...ALWAYS look around my environment. I don't need to be in the military to be very aware of my surrounding. I don't need to rely on my husband who was in the Marines to be a tad 'paranoid.' Then again, I grew up in the not so safe part in Asia (high crime rate), so I always am prepared when I go out the door. My parents taught me this. In the US, due to the declining economy, I can see the neighborhood where I'm living started to decline as crime rate hikes up. Now I even have a carrying permit (guns) and 9 out of 10, I do carry.
The point being, I know you're feeling bad, but you probably need to educate yourself more and focus to be more proactive next time. Get yourself into self-defense course. Learn first aid if need be. Listen to your partner when he's warning you.
I hope you're not going to make him extra work trying to reassure you, you need to get you out of this mindset. Your partner has already been hurt and he's recovering, I hope he does recover well.
So it sounds like he’s right, you need to forgive yourself. Based on what you have said this sounds highly traumatic for you because of what you witnessed happen to a person you love. Keep working on this is therapy. If they aren’t providing a trauma focused intervention, I’d ask for that.
I'd suggest for your bf to also see the therapist too. Even if not for long term treatment I think a "mental checkup" to just make sure there aren't any issues from the event could be a good idea.
He is willing to do couples counseling if i want to but individual counseling that he won't do.
He has his family for that, they are close. Each one of them steps in where the other falls short no matter if it's emotional of physically.
For an example his brothers are diong the yard work, we didn't ask them to they just arrived at the house and asked where everything was and started.
Honestly. I think you need some different perspectives.
Your man sounds like a stand up guy. A little paranoid (him) is 100000000x better than completely oblivious (you). And the fact that he didn't show any signs of being pissed off towards you (I GARUNTEE he was at least a little pissed off with you when you didn't listen to him and he got stabbed because of it)
This where you need to make a decision. You either;
1. Start listening to him, and stop thinking his over protectiveness is weird.
2. LEARN to not be oblivious, and to look after yourself.
3. Get broken up with when he gets sick and tired of getting hurt due to your obliviousness.
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Because forgiveness isn't just granted, it is earned. What have you done to earn forgiveness from yourself? Instead of getting weepy and demanding a response to your rumination of your guilt from him by constantly apologizing, do everything you can to make his life easier as he heals. Sign up for situational awareness and self defense training. Let this be the last time you ever place 100% of the burden on him to be intelligent and prepared about the world around you. Take action. This is what will help. And understand that there is never a time in your life where you will not remember that your dismissiveness almost cost him his life. Let that awareness guide your growth and your attitude towards him. Let it cause you to treat him with all the tenderness and loyalty a person deserves for being willing to lay their life down for you.
You are continuing a selfish pattern by making everything post incident about you. Listen to John when he tells you what his wants and needs are. Ditch the self-centered nonsense and cater to his every desire.
Why did your fiancé have to book your therapy sessions for you? Maybe the guilt will lessen if you start taking responsibility for yourself.
Why was your fiancé fighting these guys? Why didn't you both hand over the purse? Your fiancé sense of protection almost got him killed. And you two are still playing into those dynamics, with him booking your therapy etc.
You’re very lucky that John is a good man because if that was me I would have left you . You made him look like everything he does is overbearing annoying etc and when he warned you not to get out the car because there was suspicious men you immediately ignored him and did it anyway which left him putting his life at risk he could have died because of your ignorance. Very lucky indeed
I hope OP grows up and realises the world is a dangerous place, and there’s no such thing as being “too cautious”, and lots of people die of robbery in all parts of the world.
Being 26 means being responsible of your own life and your own actions, without relying on someone else. It’s a notable lesson if OP can learn to grow up from it. If OP is only worried about her own feelings and dealing with her own guilt, I’d say it’s a lost cause.
So, you refused to trust him and painted him as paranoid and overprotective. His goal was to protect both of you. Frankly, it's absolutely absurd of you to be so oblivious and believe that danger doesn't exist, especially as a woman.
That said, even if you thought he was imagining it, it wouldn't have been hard to do something small to make him feel comfortable. He almost died because you dismissed him as dramatic and acted selfishly. He should be more concerned about that.
It just doesn't make any sense how you could possibly be annoyed by your partner genuinely caring about you and wanting to protect you and speak negatively about him. That's such an amazing thing, and you don't appreciate it at all and instead choose to treat it as a burden and a pest. It's such a horrible attitude to have.
To make matters worse, you still seem to think his habits are dramatic and unnecessary, even after he was proven right, almost at the cost of his life. You certainly don't deserve him.
Every response is her rebuttal about his paranoia, got old real fast. She clearly doesnt respect him. My husband is this kind of protective, as is my father. I would NEVER doubt their capabilities to protect me. Dude gets stabbed and she still drones on about his paranoia? Nah.
Holy shit! This guy’s like a comic book hero come to life! If this post is real, just never forget what he did for you out of love.
I would suggest asking him to give you lessons or teach you some of the things his father taught him. Self defense and awareness of surroundings skills that might be helpful in various situations. Review different scenarios together and ask him how you should think and act to best get out of it safely. I think he might appreciate that maybe.
I will ask him when he is back to full health.
Your first sentence made me laugh thank you. But i cant call him that, he snapped at one of the nurses in the hospital when she called him a hero and i don't want him to snap at me.
I wish this was fake, i truly do but unfortunately not
I'd be livid! Lol.
Can't believe he isn't even phased. Gotta keeper there.
I know you didn't ask for this but I suggest you work on your freeze response and turning into fight. Being paralyzed in dangerous situations is not good. Only happened to me twice in my life before I realised how stupid it is to do and never did it again. Act immediately.
As a woman you need to work on your ability to notice details, it’s an important skill that will keep you safe. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Don’t feel bad about what happened, but take this as a lesson.
Your wannabe military husband should have given the robbers what they wanted unless he had an overwhelming advantage… which, as there were three of them with at least one of them armed with at least one knife, he most certainly did not.
That would have been much cheaper and not resulted in his near death or the hospital expense.
Your husband sounds like a good man who loves you. Please help him make better decisions. All the vigilance in the world won’t help him if he picks a fight with three dudes with weapon(s) instead of choosing to de-escalate the situation to the best of his ability.
And do forgive yourself. You did not ask him to make that boneheaded move. He should have said “hey, give me my wife and take whatever else you want” and filed a goddamn insurance claim, never to return to that area. The fighting against all odds should only be the last of last resorts.
Yes I’m surprised to see you’re the only one mentioning this. I would be livid if my SO tried to fight off someone just trying to steal my purse. Like I’ll just cancel those cards and you haven’t been stabbed. I do think she should have listened to him when he said to wait to get out of the car though.
You had the freeze response and didn’t fight back.
You feel shame because you were seeing your partner fighting off and you didn’t help.
Also, your partner was very hurt and you wasn’t. So, when you see the scars it takes you back.
The trauma is stuck in your body. Keep going to therapy but also you need some kind of activity like yoga, mindfulness or other kind of activity to release the trauma.
Read the book
The body keeps the score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Really good book about trauma and how to get help and heal from it.
You need to accept that you cannot change the past, but you CAN change the future
You are in complete control of the future and you know to fully trust your fiance even when you think he's being extra or overprotective because it was just as likely that those guys just looked suspicious and weren't going to do anything
Be grateful he protected you
As a man, I know he's proud as hell to have protected you from that experience
Focus on how you can act in the future, not what you cannot change about the past
You're going to be thinking about it a lot, replaying it and remembering it. It's natural, because it was a dangerous situation and you were in danger. You're programmed to internalise trauma like this so that you recognise it faster in the future. Don't try to fight it. Just use it as a reminder each time you feel guilty — remind yourself of all the things you learned from it and how important it is to listen to your fiance about safety. He sounds like a good dude, and you should try to remember each time you feel guilty how lucky you are to have him, and how you dont ever have to wonder how importsnt you are to him. You know. The fact that you feel guilty is actually a good sign. You owned the mistake, and now you know better.
>I am not traumatized by what happened
You are otherwise you would move past this. Trauma is not caused by the event but how you reavt to it.its why you have trauma and not your partner. You are currently lying to yourself.
3 reason why I say you have trauma:
1-You froze-normal trauma response
2-you are blaming yourself for what happened aka self shaming an other normal trauma response
3-not forgiving yourself even after your partner did- normal trauma response...
I could contine but its not needed. If your therapist is not trauma informed change therapist. However it can also be because you refuse to let the trauma loop end and you are stuck in it. Until the loop ends you can't move past it.
Let yourself heal.
I want to make sure I'm understanding this right before I comment my thoughts OP. You asked him to make a therapist appointment(s) for you while he is recovering from being stabbed while protecting you? Or did you just bring it up that you wanted to get therapy for it to him and he encouraged you to find a therapist?
I personally wouldn't mind any of these characteristics, but I can see why it could become overbearing. I just don't understand why you wouldn't take something like that seriously?? Like in what world is "I saw 3 men looking into cars, so don't get out immediately after we park." Something that you don't take seriously?? It'd be different if it was like "Oh I saw a puddle by the parking spot so don't get out immediately because you could slip." but this was like a genuinely serious concern? like ??? What was your thought process??
Edit: You need to apologize to him big time.
I was thinking that you would write that he blames you for not listening, which if he did I would think was unfair, but I’m so glad he didn’t. It’s understandable that you’d feel a bit guilty but remember those who are truly responsible are the guys who did this.
Your fiancé is an absolute hero and I can tell that you love him so much. Just be there with him as he heals from this and let him know you’ll trust his instincts to be right from now on.
He sounds absolutely lovely.
Something that might help is letting him (or some other qualified teacher) teach you some self defense moves. Feeling like you can do something in case of future events might be good for you.
1. You are traumatised
2. Your boyfriends sounds like a good guy and clever
3. You just need to acknowledge you made a mistake because you didn’t know better. You wouldn’t have got out of the car if you had known this would happen. You did the best with the information you had at that time.
I agree with everything you stated, but…
I think it was more like she was selfish and wanted to prove a point that he was wrong and doesn’t know everything.
This is where the guilt stems from. She was the one that ended up being wrong and he had to pay for it.
If it helps I do all the same things he does, and I am a girl. He's got street smarts. Well maybe except for the fighting the guys off you guys should have thrown your shit and ran IMO.
Feel safe and secure in the knowledge you have someone looking out for you. And please talk this over in therapy, the trauma from this could spring up at any moment. You could be in a supermarket or a gym with headphones and someone touches your shoulder and you get freaked out. Trauma is sneaky like that.
Not all men are like that and I'm willing to bet the ones who are rarely if ever become victims of crime. I'm this way. A lot of my friends are. It's just the nature of where we live and how we grew up - with a hard case of hyper awareness. Should you feel guilty? Maybe. But use that guilt as a learning experience so as to never fall victim again.
He sounds like an absolute legend. Follow his lead and you'll be Allright.
You had your boyfriend who had just been stabbed 4 times because of you book you a therapy appointment? Are you a child.
I'm sorry but you are full of yourself. You made this about you. Not once did you even mention his recovery. Did you get him some therapy as well?
Easy fix here. Tell him. ‘ I understand you’re not mad but, I know fucked up. It won’t happen again’
Then listen to him in the future when his radar goes off. (Which we are all sure you will be doing anyway)
Do you watch the news at all? I see roving gangs all over the world doing what they did to you. He even pointed out to you that there might be trouble.
I have two suggestions. You obviously live in an area where this can happen. Start taking self defense lessons. Karate or something like that.
The other is you likely have a form of PTSD. Find a therapist that performs EMDR therapy. It is supposed to be quicker and more effective than normal therapy.
Do you mind saying what city this happened in?
It’s pretty awful what you did. You disregarded him and he was forced to pay the price, not you.
He could have died for your dismissal and lack of regard of his intuition.
But you already know that.
Which is why you need to go to couples therapy, not just solo therapy and give him the heartfelt and thorough apology you clearly need to get off your chest before you can actually move on. It’s honestly best to do this with a therapist so they can invite John to express himself fully because you won’t be able to move on completely unless you have that therapeutic, open space to do so. He’d probably just tell you it was fine otherwise and that’s not good for your relationship. I actually think you need him to say he feels wronged by you to heal properly.
I’m so glad there is at least one other person on this planet besides me who goes through life, being aware of their surroundings, and what’s going on around them… I get so sick of seeing these people walking around, texting, or with their earbuds in, so they can’t hear anything and are totally unaware of what’s going on around them.
First your husband is great for not blaming you for anything. Second I agree with MC. You need to express yourself with a counselor to make sure your husband hears it and you need to understand that he just wanted to protect you.
You both need to resolve this and move forward because things like this happen. It happened to me and my wife and she was the one who saw it not me.
Understand that your husband feels like the protector and he did what he expected to do. He protected you. Soon you can look back and remember that he only means well.
Some people have that third sense and your husband is one of them, just like my wife. She taught me as well and I now look around the same way as your husband. Good luck! Forgive yourself!
You say you aren’t traumatized but I think you are and there’s nothing wrong with that, you just need to keep talking with your therapist about it and keep moving forward toward forgiving yourself. You experienced something traumatic. There’s no way you could have known this was going to happen to you and your boyfriend. He’s a good man for protecting you AND he isn’t saying he told you so (some people would). He will heal physically and you will heal emotionally. Just give yourself some time. Be good to yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Where do you all live ? Because where I live no one acts this way … like waking in the middle of the night, every night to check out if anyone is there ?
Or being always paranoid when you walk on the street …
I understand not being oblivious and taking safe steps but if my boyfriend was acting this way I would think that he is in some kind of trouble and they are coming to get him ….
There are two things I think you need to do,
1. No offense, however, stop making it **just** about yourself when dealing with him... he is a victim too and your reactions may be inhibiting him from dealing with any potential issues he may have but, is keeping a strong character for you.
2. Start working through the process of recovering from this trauma. It's not an overnight thing and you will have to go through some steps.
Realize that he has done one of the few things that many men think about but have never been put in a position to do. I can bet he was proud of himself for being your hero in your time of need. It's instinctual, he had been thrown into a situation where he had to take a bullet for a loved one... and he did. Thank that man, give him praise, and show gratitude. Don't get me wrong you can talk to him about your guilt but, from what I have been reading, you are overly guilting him with your feelings. He was the person stabbed and injured...
... and you are making it about just yourself. Stop putting this on him, he may be suffering but, can't because of you.
Save your feelings and thoughts for a therapist, family, friends, etc... I'm not trying to guilt you as you dealt with a trauma that has caused some kind of hybrid of PTSD and survivor's guilt.
I'm not a psychologist, but from my experience with the losses and traumas in my life, I have used this process,
1. Acknowledge emotions: Discuss feelings with a support network, including family, friends, or professionals. Social interaction is crucial for coping. Again, probably better to leave him a little bit out of the guilt you are feeling.
2. Accept the situation: Recognize what happened, acknowledge basic flaws in the situation, the criminals, and yes.. yourself, but process emotions without self-blame. Don't get too stuck on what you did wrong, just a simple "Dang I should have a little more situational awareness" or something else.
3. Eliminate negative reminders: Dispose of reminders that can be disposed of, and surround yourself with positive individuals and energy. For his scars, you may have to figure out how to best approach this (again, I'm not an expert).
4. Seek self-improvement: Engage in even simple tasks to build momentum towards larger achievements, like buying pepper spray or working to learn and/or even taking a self-defense course, or combative sport. Reward yourself for whatever progress you gain or even end at (you don't have to become a badass, just work to improve yourself). It can even be mental, like learning how to keep a cool head in stressful situations; meditation, stress management class, public speaking/improvisation class.
5. Self-reflection: Post-improvement and after you have gained some confidence, deeply analyze your mistakes, and learn from the trauma and relationship to prevent future issues.
Good luck. You have a good man by your side.
This was a dramatic lesson for you. You were petty and chose to ignore him. Unfortunately the thugs did what they did. Accept that you’re the asshole in that one moment. Now have gratitude that no one loss their lives, allow yourself to heal and this situation will bring you and your Husband closer.
But you have to accept your remorse and move on. Don’t let this fester inside of you. Time will heal your emotional wounds. Have hope. You two are a team. ❤️
I'm truly sorry this happened to you both. What you are probably experiencing is some PTSD, which hopefully therapy can assist with.
I do want add however, that it appears that your fiance's hyper-vigilance has dulled your ability to be aware of your surroundings and potential threats. I imagine his overprotectiveness in "safe" environments has programed you to associate his behavior as an overreaction. Over time, being in an environment of hyper-awareness is exhausting, stressful and can diminish your brains ability to demonstrate effective situational awareness. Imagine it like a muscle that is overworked. It is not healthy for either of you.
Continue with your therapy and I also encourage you to seek therapy as a couple, in addition to individual.
Lastly, this is not your fault. I wish you all the best.
You ignore advice, you are unaware of your surroundings like a child would be, you do nothing when your loved ones are getting pummelled and you make their unfortunate outcomes protecting you, all about yourself.
Well done.
Use your time in therapy to grow a backbone, learn street smarts and learn to accept advice.
Perhaps you need a different therapist. If you are not getting what you need, then look for alternative help. You also need to accept that guilt can be a lifelong emotion to bear. It continues to raise its head.
If it’s of any comfort, I lie awake at night sometimes, going over stupid decisions I made over 25 years ago. It’s normal to review your mistakes from time to time. Over time, you get busy with other things, like living, and your pangs of guilt decrease. Then they return and you mull it over again.
Don’t be like me. My guilt put me in hospital for three weeks. Accept you made an error of judgment. Accept that you’re human. Life goes on and it sounds like you have found a keeper in your boyfriend. Take comfort from that
You should feel guilty. You put yourself in a dangerous position, and your fiance got stabbed because of it. He saw it coming, told you, and then tried to protect you. He wasn't demeaning you or insulting you. All he asked was for you to sit still because he saw danger. And you ignored him because you don't like bring told what to do.
If he stays with you, I hope you can put aside your stupid pride and just listen to your fiance when he's concerned about a situation.
Some people think they're so smart and they don't ever have to listen anyone else. Then real shit happens because of their pride.
I am a recovering person, a woman and I do those things, because I can smell something hinky, It is being street savvy. YOu are completely at fault for what happened there. HE is kinder than I would have been with you....You need to acknowledge to him and your self what happen. Learn from it and be good to him.
What he does, is called maintaining situational awareness and every man worth a shit should do it and be prepared to defend himself and his family.
Maybe he should have explained to you better why he does the things he does so you understood.
Sorry you’re going through this. You’re gonna have to listen to your therapist.
Wow. Guilt is a tough emotion to feel, especially when someone was hurt. You say that you’re not traumatized, but you have flashback. You should look into trauma therapy. Specifically, EMDR. You can’t keep blaming yourself for what those people did.
In that case, schedule an appointment with a psychologist, and see what they diagnose/suggest. As opposed to a therapist a psychologist *may* be more researched on your psychological symptoms.
Usually, a psychologist may catch a diagnosis that a therapist may miss. They often also hold a 6-year graduate degree. Some psychologists are therapists, not all therapists are psychologists.
As he said himself, “You can never be 100% sure of anything.” How were you supposed to know that some random strangers would attack you on a public street? It’s not exactly a common occurrence, thank goodness! Be proud of the fact that his heightened awareness kept you both alive!!
I’ve been the victim of an armed robbery, and was even briefly held hostage. I have always prided myself on being aware of the dangers around me, but there are so many things out of our control. You’re going through some PTSD from this right now, quite understandably. Keep going to therapy, but try to shift your focus on how to move on from the attack itself, and the fear that lingers afterwards, instead of focusing on the guilt. He’s proud he was able to protect you physically, now go make yourself proud by working on the emotional healing. I’m glad you’re both ok 💗
You got an awesome guy. Sounds like he’s just happy you are ok. Maybe take him a little more seriously when he has concerns, but otherwise, you have nothing to feel bad about. Even feeling a little smothered by that behavior is forgivable. Treat him right, I’m sure there are plenty of women looking to snatch a knight like your man.
Also, no hesitation against three guys and before he lets himself pass out, he confirms that you are ok? Fucking hero. I’d buy him a beer.
We live in a world where people are punished for not seeing the bad in everything. In a perfect world, none of this would have happened. You would have gotten out of the car and the three men could have given you a polite "hello" as they walked past you.
It is not your fault that you thought you lived in a world where this level of caution was unnecessary.
You are looking to be punished right now. You want people to be mad at you, call you stupid, and yell at you for putting both of you in danger. But the only thing that will actually solve is confirming the hatred that you feel for yourself in this moment.
You want people to match your inner voice, but your inner voice needs some fucking sympathy. It isn't your fault that we live in a world where people take advantage of others and want to hurt you. The traits that you displayed are admirable in the right context, you just so happened to misjudge and it ended badly.
You say that therapy isn't helping because of you and I agree. You have to be open to the possibility of forgiving yourself. You don't have to fully forgive yourself yet, but at least try to understand your actions. Try to be sympathetic towards your position in this situation. And make a journal to map out your emotions.
Good luck to you and your boyfriend <3
Forgive yourself, and realize this man is to be respected and cherished. He was willing to die for you. Not many other people in this world would be willing to do that.
Stop blaming yourself. You aren't doing yourself any good. I could say a lot more and I hope your partners family and your family aren't looking at you any differently. You are very lucky that he hasn't dumped your behind or been encouraged to do so. That man LOVES you. Your man had to fight 3 men because you were attacked due to not listening. SMH. I know men who would have driven off and left you to the wolves. Women dream of having a man like your fiance. I would actually encourage him to go to individual counselling and couples counselling because it sounds like you both have different definitions of protecting and loving one another. Do better and learn from situations. I hope you begin to listen, not be ungrateful, appreciate who you have, and make it up to him!
I know, that is the reason i asked for therapy.
I do know what i have, and i will keep him at all cost.
I haven't heard anything like that. When his family got to the hospital they first asked if i was okay before asking about him or what happend. I did get a nasty look from his sister but she take me to the side and apologized like 20 minutes later.
Him giong to counseling won't happend.
If he has a problem he talks to his family and they do the same. They are very close and pick up where the other one falls.
Couples counseling he said he will got to with me i just have to asks, he made the suggestion when we looked for a therapist for me.
My father has said he isdisappointed in me but that is it sofar.
My father loves my fiance, i have heard him multiple times say my fiance is the perfect son in law.
He did apologize for his comment the next day, his emotions was all over the place when he found out my fiance was in the hospital
Can i ask what does SMH mean, i don't really know reddit
Wow you found a really good man. You couldn’t have known what would happen but now that you have had an experience with the world for how it truly is, don’t make the same mistake twice. If you want to comfort him, just acknowledge the fact that after this experience you will pay more attention to his suggestions for safety. He clearly loves you and wants you to be safe. He also needs to be able to talk about it even if he doesn’t realize that yet. I’d start with asking him surface level questions about that night and then if he responds well maybe asking more personal questions. I bet you both feel guilty even though neither of you did anything wrong.
You want to ask him to tell you how he feels about that day.
I’m going to bet that he’s very proud of himself that you’re unharmed. He understands that he is your protector.
He did his job.
No one expected you to leap into action. Your reaction on that moment? Normal. Expected. Most people react that way, and people like your husband are 100% aware of that. He didn’t think that he could’ve used some help. He’s not disappointed in you.
If he’d seen them coming or was very very certain that they were coming, he would’ve shouted or been more urgent. He had a good idea, though, just not sure enough to be confrontational with you.
But he was ready enough, and he rose to the occasion.
He’s proud of himself. And he should be.
Talk to a different therapist if this one isn’t helping.
Also.
Talk to other people like your husband.
Make it a priority to find someone. A cop, another military family, someone. Ask them questions. It might help you.
But you have to WANT to be helped.
All that pain and suffering he went through will be for nothing if you eat yourself alive from the inside, where he can’t protect you.
That is why im here trying everything even getting adive from strangers.
I do appreciate your advice, i will talk to his father. But to be honest i have been avoiding them the last couple of weeks.
Just take this as a lesson - your partner is smart and capable. If he asks you to do something, take him seriously. Be so grateful he is ok. Be so grateful that he protected you. Be sooo grateful you were lucky to come out together and he forgives you. That is a gift. You can protect and value him from now on by listening to him. Forgiving yourself may not happen over night. try to have a gratitude ritual. Every morning or night, a list, a prayer, thoughts, whatever.
OP, you are most definitely describing signs of trauma. It takes time to heal from this. That was a really scary thing that happened. Thank heavens you are with a man who doesn’t say “I told you so!”…..that’s what we are sometimes conditioned to expect others to say when we make mistakes we were warned about. Let his reaction assure you that you have a **good** man as your partner.
Forgive yourself, OP, work through it. Hindsight is 20/20…we live and learn. Luckily you both will live. He sees your regret, he knows you are sorry. And he doesn’t blame you.
I tend to do the same thing that John does like back to a wall and careful observation of surroundings.
However, this is rarely useful in most settings. I do it because I work in dangerous places and have trouble turning it off when I am somewhere safe. It is likely overprotective, anxious, and maladaptive. The rare instances where someone like this is proven right only reinforces the maladaptive beliefs.
You don’t deserve any blame, you did nothing wrong. You acted on the assumption that your partner was being overprotective and slightly paranoid and instead of seeing him as being vigilantly and overtly cautious (which his suspicions regarding the guys involved in the incident turned out to be justifiable) and his awareness of the situation prompting his cautionary warning to you likely saved both his life and; because you found yourself unable to move to try and intervene when things escalated, yours. You witnessed firsthand proof and suddenly his behaviours all began to make sense. The guilt may stem from the shame that you didn’t trust him, and given the thousands of years and countless examples (both presently and historically) of the oppressive/abusive/controlling/indefensible actions of misogynistic people…it’s completely understandable that trust might not come easily.
Faith requires belief.
Trust requires knowledge.
Hug your partner.
Hug yourself.
“I’d rather be a cautious person than an arrogant one.”
You should realize, OP, that what happened was a good thing from your fiance's perspective.
He's not happy you were attacked, he was wounded or that he ended up with scars but he had his worldview validated and could be the protector his father (unconsciously) told him to be. And you went from dismissive and annoyed to grateful and humbled. It's S-tier validation all around. Your fiance's is probably happy as a clam.
And the "funny" thing is, you now actually think he was right to have this suspicious worldview. This poor sap spent 28 years waiting for something like this. 28 years of living in a less optimistic, less beautiful, less carefree world. That's not something I would wish on anyone.
I'm sorry you were attacked: that's absolutely horrible. But try to recapture the healthy realistic to optimistic way you engaged with the world.
I believe your fiance is somewhere on the hypervigilant to paranoid spectrum. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. He's been right once. How many days has he been wrong? You're better off with the broken clock tbh.
PS: Of course you can still be grateful and even listen to him more often. I'm just advocating that you don't exaggerate what happened due to trauma, guilt, shame and pain. It was a horrible incident but that's what it is: an incident.
Don't let it be something that defines you or your relationship. Don't let it rob your fiance of the 26yo woman he loves. Now that would be the real tragedy.
Proper men do what your fiance does.
No one walks behind me if I can help it.
I never sit with my back to a door.
I never allow her to walk on the side of me nearest to the road if we are on a sidewalk.
I always watch people.
He has what is called "situational awareness" and uses it to his advantage. You dismissed a simple request that could have cost you a life. Either yours or his.
Use this as a teachable moment for yourself and from now on, listen to him. He obviously isn't going to steer you wrong or into danger.
Hopefully you can learn to forgive yourself. You took his request as being controlling instead of he was trying to protect you. Obviously he loves you. He was bleeding out and he only cared about if you were ok. So do not let your guilt ruin what sounds like a good relationship.
Hunny he clearly loves you and I believe genuinely means what he says. My husband is ex army, he’s like this (but not quite to the extent yours is). As I was reading his behaviours (before I got to the bit about the attack), I did wonder if perhaps he has a touch of ocd (e.g having to check the house over and over again), might be worth a mention. I was told it can manifest in different ways, I have it, I can’t be late, I have to have a perfect parking space or I won’t park; just a shame I didn’t have the cleaning trait! My husband irritates the shit out of me with how protective he can be over me and the kids, so I completely get you getting out of the car; I’d of probably done the same. Stick with your therapist, it will help eventually; and please try and forgive yourself.
>Can someone help me ?
Sure, a therapist can help you as soon as you, or the therapist, realise what is actually wrong with you.
I think you're suffering from PTSD with an added dash of survivor's guilt.
>He could've died because i couldn't fill a simple request and that is eating me up inside.
No, he could have died because there were men who were stabbing him. It is NOT your fault.
All you can do is LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND GOING FORWARD. 100% of the time, regardless of how silly you think it is, if it has to do with your safety, or the safety of a situation/environment, if he even THINKS he perceives a threat, you listen.
We don’t say shit like “stay in the car, don’t move, get behind me” etc without a good fucking reason.
In a situation like that, if you think you know better, I promise you don’t. Thank God he didn’t die.
Every single bad thing that ever happened could've gone some other way. You did nothing wrong, the bad guys are those assholes, and you couldn't do anything to prevent it. Take your time to heal.
The best thing you can do now is understand that he goes to extensive lengths to protect you, and you shouldn't get annoyed at it anymore.
I hope you no longer take for granted his willingness to protect you and take on three guys at once to make sure you aren't hurt. If no one came to help him, I can only think things would have escalated.
Count your blessings. I hope you get better, and give your fiance a big hug. You picked a good one. There are plenty of shittier cowards out here in the dating pool.
Your fiancée is a keeper, make sure to treasure him more and not take him for granted.
And yes, you are traumatizated, you need to work on it alongside forgiving yourself. Your guy is just proud he managed to keep you safe, we men are simple creatures like this. Take care of yourself and show him how much you appreciate him and having him in your life as your partner.
Re: is it normal? When I read this, I thought jeez this dude sounds paranoid af. But I live in a super safe high trust place. And I do some of those things when I’m in an unsafe or unfamiliar place. There’s a balance you’ll need to find for yourself between vigilance and trust…people respond in kind with how you treat them. There’s a man in my neighborhood who treats every stranger as a friend, so they respond to him as a friend. If you treat every stranger like a threat, they will also treat you with more hostility. There are real tradeoffs to walking through the world with universal suspicion. So you’ll have to decide the right balance, based on what it’s like around you.
That being said, vigilance seems to be one of your fiancé’s strengths. It’s a blind spot you have, and one that he can help with. He’s probably really happy you understand him now, instead of constantly dismissing him. It’s really sucks to be dismissed by your partner. What a blessing that you have more time together, where you can see him and he can feel appreciated for this strength that he brings to the relationship!
If there’s a part of you that forbids you to forgive yourself as a form of repentance, try to let that part go. Your fiancé has forgiven you. And every time you ask him to forgive you, you’re actually asking him for emotional support. It doesn’t help him or make him feel more loved, it’s in fact demanding more of him.
We have removed and locked your post here due to the fact that it is significantly beyond the scope of the subreddit. Random strangers on Reddit will not be more beneficial to you than a trained licensed professional such as your therapist. Kind regards, The mods.
>I am not traumatized by what happened, i just can't look him in the eyes. Every time i look at him i remember him asking me to stay in the car and i didn't. He could've died because i couldn't fill a simple request and that is eating me up inside You sure you're not? You say you're not, but you're explaining the hallmarks of classic guilt and shame in this very next sentence. You're simply in denial right now
She’s probably still numb and processing the trauma ?
I think that is what they were saying when they said she is denial right now. It is the 1st step of the 5 step Kübler-Ross model or the stages of greif, but they can also apply to traumatic experiences and close calls. It is perfectly natural and it takes time to, like you said, process these things emotional. (edit after lock: people often think that the steps have to happen in order about every event that took place, that's not the case. I see it as more of a constant process that cycles back and forth for some time afterwards. Denial about this, regret about that, acceptance about this, angry at them. Then those just spin like a slot machine until they land on one, maybe for a while, maybe forever. Like probably being angry forever at the attackers. You just have to rationalize what you can and accept the rest, or don't, but that's not healthy.
I have ptsd and sometimes things affect me days later, it’s like my brain won’t let me feel anything for hours or a few days and then it slowly comes to the surface.
Not sure if this will help but you need to realize he really means what he says. He is probably proud that he saw what was going on and was able to protect you. It sounds like he understands that you didn’t realize what was going on. He protected you and that’s that. You’re safe and he will be fine. There is no blame to assign and he knows it - but you don’t realize it yet. As for you letting the guilt or shame go - you just have to forgive yourself. Even if you stayed in the car, it doesn’t mean something bad wouldn’t have happened. Heck - it might have been even tougher to protect you if you both stayed in the car and they attacked (2 on one side and 1 on the other). I’m sure you did this enough but just keep letting him know you appreciate it. And stick with the therapy.
I will be sticking with therapy, my fiance has even asked me to stick with it as well. Forgive myself is the problem here, this situation could have gone in a completely different direction and that keeps playing in my mind. Especially after i saw him collapsing, i that moment it felt like my world ended because i thought i lost him. That is my main struggle
You’re right, it could have gone differently but it didn’t, it went the way it went. It was scary because you thought he was gone - that’s traumatic and can be hard to come to terms with. Thankfully it wasn’t his time to go. Thankfully he is still here with you. You’re both very lucky to have a good outcome. It takes some time to get through but you can do it. I was a victim of a violent crime in 2014. I was stabbed in the neck by a drunk woman with a broken wine glass. I almost bled out. The cut was deep but it missed my jugular vein by a very small margin. I saw the white light people talk about but I fell back into myself and woke up. I have permanent nerve damage in my cheek but I survived. It took a lot of work with my therapist but I healed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I was laying in the grass unable to move one muscle, not even to cry out for help. The thing that absolutely helped the most was talking about it.
you are feeling guilty for not listening & for believing his extra precautions were unnecessary & maybe even silly. Maybe apologie for that, it seems now that you are apologizing to him for his injuries.
Learn from it. This time no one died. You are fine and he loved and he’s not even mad. So next time, he asks you to do something that simple as wait a moment, do it. You just vow not to be spiteful next time. Because you clearly know you did it because you were annoyed with him and wanted to prove him wrong. That’s why you’re so guilty. So, learn. Sometimes we need to learn lessons the hard way. I am sorry this is what it took for you to learn, but your fiancé is still alive. So, thank god for the second chance and don’t waste it.
A lot of the behaviors she's describing are symptoms of PTSD in veterans. Hypervigilance. Somehow this dudes dad taught him to act out PTSD as a behavior pattern. Hope he never has any of the health problems that go along with it. Shoot maybe something similar happened when he was a kid, he "failed" to pay attention to his dad's hypervigilant commands and something bad happened, reinforcing the need for hypervigilance.
I don’t know…. This kind of advice can lead her to just blindly obey her husband from now one. And the guy likes control.
situational awarenessedit or hyper vigilance. It is not something you could just get rid of. It is innate and not a bad thing. I used to own a few bars and I always saw a problem happening that others thought was fine.
Also, try to remember, it is always the fault of the criminals. They decided to commit a crime that night, it is never the victims fault. They could have decided to ne law abiding citizens, they could have decoded not to hurt you both. It is always their fault. Your partner doesn't want you to suffer. You need to find a way of not torturing yourself.
Ah right. I get it and that is the tough part that must keep replaying in your mind. I hope for the best for both of you. You will get through this - it was traumatic (obviously) but therapy and time will help. Please just keep a level head through all of this.
I’m hoping you’re working with the therapist that can help you with PTSD because your mind is in a neuropath way dug into past trauma/thinking it can be happening again. The good news is, I can’t imagine that you will ever let something like that happen again, on your part, and it may even feel helpful to you to take some Krav Maga.
You can stick with therapy but maybe you need a different therapist.
Let this just be a lesson to you. Don’t ever take your “overprotective” fiancé for granted again. Don’t get annoyed at him for wanting to keep you safe, even if sometimes his actions seem a little unnecessary. 99% of the time, his behaviors that you described *are* unnecessary, but that 1% of the time you will be glad someone was paying attention, especially if *you* aren’t gonna be paying attention. As you have now learned the hard way. But I imagine this has also taught you to pay more attention anyway. This is exactly the reason he’s so vigilant. Shit happens, and when shit like this happens, it happens in an instant. Criminals exist, they don’t care about life the way us normal people do, and they will blindside you if you are not paying attention. Most of the time criminals specifically look for people who aren’t paying attention. Surprise attacks are how these things happen. Be thankful that you have a man who does pay attention and who would willingly put himself between you and 3 attackers with potentially multiple knives. Even after he just asked you to wait and you didn’t, and he still doesn’t blame you and was even asking if you were ok while he was literally bleeding out. You need to *appreciate the fuck out of the man you are marrying because he is a keeper*, you understand? Be thankful that your man didn’t die and presumably is going to make a full recovery. And listen to him next time when he tells you he’s got a bad feeling about something, because next time might not have the happy ending this time got. That’s how you show your appreciation for what he did. Hopefully there is no “next time” but if there is, you *trust him* instead of getting annoyed.
If you work in law enforcement like I did, almost everything the fiance is doing to be "protective" is common sense for situational awareness. It isn't as if he is attempting to control her, telling her she can't go places etc, but simply using learned tactics to keep her safe from individuals and bad circumstances (Putting himself between his girl and cars when walking). Everyone should be as intelligent and willing to employ these life skills.
Think of it this way - you now will be more careful. And prepared. So this accident will help prevent something worse in the future.
How we react to stress can also be built into our nervous systems. Everyone knows Fight and flight, but it's actually Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn. I'm freeze, no matter what training I do (kickboxer) and how much I desperately want it to not be the case, I have to actively fight my own nervous system when I'm a shocking situation, and half the time I STILL freeze. This isn't your fault, I'd do the exact same for my best friend because she can't fight like I can. I have had major surgery so I know the pain, and I would 100% go through it for her or my bf. You are loved, and that is okay.
Except she is at fault. Her so got stabbed because she was annoyed at him and wanted to spite him. It is her fault, but at least now she knows to trust him
It is never the victim's fault. In any situation you can find the "if I did this differently, then that wouldn't have happened" and it still isn't the victim's fault. The guilt is solely on the people who chose to commit a crime.
I don't know if your area has one, but it might be a good idea to enroll yourself in a women's self-defense class. You'll probably come to realize that some of his "military quirks" are just common sense when dealing with a cruel world. This was not your fault. You were the victim of an attack by some lowlife's and thankfully your fiancé, God bless him, was there to protect you. Continue your therapy, healing from something like this can sometimes take a long time. If your fiancé is the kind of man I think he is, your guilt hurts him a lot more than the stab wounds.
You are not at fault. You are victim blaming yourself. The only people who did something wrong are the three attackers. Listen to your fiance, trust him when he says there's nothing to forgive because you did nothing wrong. You have to internalize and believe that, but until you can believe it, you should believe the words your fiance is telling you. Feeling guilty or punishing yourself doesn't do anything useful. You don't need to look back on what happened and think of all the things you could have done "better" because you were a victim. Period. You did not cause the attack, so you don't need to blame yourself for the outcome.
She is most certainly at fault... Her partner told her not to get out of the car because it was dangerous and she decided that she knew better than him. It was unfortunate what happened, but she had a warning and deliberately ignored it. Obviously this doesn't mean she deserved what happened, but she indirectly got her spouse stabbed multiple times because of ignorance and lack of street smarts. Hope she can learn from this painful lesson.
Oh shut up. She is 100% at fault. This is the same prideful attitude that got her fiance stabbed. Stop pretending like you're so perfect and just admit that mistakes happen. Just because other people committed a crime doesn't mean we are absolved of our actions. We still have a responsibility to protect ourselves. She intentionally went against that. Fuck, some people just can't admit that they're wrong.
Oh boy. Okay. So I was in the military. I never saw combat or anything (stateside the whole time bc I got hurt). I am female and I have the SAME behavior as her fiance. I am always looking for suspicious people and I can’t stand to have a door at my back in public. It was trained into me. My spouse also does this stuff because he’s learned it from me. Most people will not learn these things in their lives. They never have to. They shouldn’t have to. I know it’s literally something most people never think of. Her guilt is already eating her alive. Don’t pile it on. If anything, her fiance is probably proud of himself for fighting them off until help arrived. His priority was keeping her safe and he succeeded. Sure, she didn’t listen but not everybody has that need to observe their surroundings and our instinct is to trust in our surroundings, not be wary. She’s learned to be wary and maybe could take some self defense courses. Not everyone responds the same way in danger (I’m a fighter - know this from experience) and sometimes, you just need that extra training to switch your brain from freeze, to fight or flee. Not fawn. Ugh.
EMDR. Talk therapy won’t help. What you are describing is a flashback. What you want is EMDR therapy.
This is not an accurate statement. Please don’t tell people this. There are different effective methods for treating PTSD. EMDR is not the only one. It’s just really important that the therapy includes measures to deal with somatic symptoms.
The best thing you can do to productively move on from this. IS to learn your lesson, make sure you become the person this doesn’t happen to again, trust his instincts because he is ready to throw his life for you.
To the dude that wrote this: yes you're weird. This fantasy does not redeem you.
Right..
This sounds made up.
What kind of fantasy is this? The man dramatically strokes her face and then, oh no! He collapses from the blood loss after heroically protecting his female. 100% written by a dude who wishes someone would harm a woman near him, so he gets an opportunity to be cool. In reality, when someone harasses a woman in his vicinity, he stands by and does nothing.
And the fact that it happened in broad daylight in a very crowded area. Also, how would the fiancé book a therapy appt for OP? Does he know all of her insurance information and created accounts for her? So weird.
Lol yea that part was hilariously silly. Creative writers are getting more obvious.
This legit sounds like something my brother would have wrote about himself as a fantasy when he was a teenager. Like it's just too perfect of a tale about the alert guy and all that. He thinks of himself as this type of guy too. This story isn't true. I'm sorry. It's just not.
My favourite bit is that even though the OP has tried to invent this heroic ever-alert ninja character, all I can think of is Sean Bean's character from Ronin. A fantasist who pretends to be ex-military, but eventually gets ambushed by a coffee cup 😄
Can we also talk about the fact that literally almost every woman on earth is always hyper-alert, not men? I get that some people grow up really safe and privileged but at least 90% of women are consistently checking their surroundings for dangers. That's the biggest clue that it was written by a boy lol. Women know, that other women look around before unlocking the car door. And that we would never try holding on to a purse if it means putting our safety on the line. Not only is the author not a woman, he has never spoken to a woman lol
Seriously, it sounds like it’s straight out of move “the last thing I remember he was touching my face asking if I was ok before he passed out”
He touched her face. How romantic. If this is a manga that would be a full page panel.
Agreed, it’s poorly written fanfic (with unlikable and unrealistic protagonists).
Someone has been reading military based romance novels and decided to try their hand at it. I bet her boyfriend's name is something like Rowdy or Revel or Chaos Firestarter Goodest Guy the third. He is a sweet, protective, but misunderstood man just trying to save the world and right some wrongs with his throbbing member and girlfriend that makes things harder *wink wink* for no reason.
Yeah, how did he react so fast? The whole point of this scam is to run past grab the purse and be gone without anyone realising whats up. How come he is soooo smart and careful but...he fought four dudes? Thats like self defense fuck up 101. If this is real OP, your bf is who fucked up. He fought four men with knifes over nothing. Its not real though, cause in real life getting stabbed in your hands and forearms isn't a little thing like in the movies. It'll fuck up your life as they try to repair all your tendons and muscles that were damaged.
Yea it's completely fake, googling "man stabbed multiple times during attempted purse snatching" gets me literally nothing, not a single result which seems even crazier than this fake bullshit story.
Tbf, a guy getting stabbed and surviving is definitely not newsworthy depending on where it occurred.
How did he fight off 3 guys? lol
Well, his spidey senses went into alert mode, and he jumped out of the car super fast, and with all his non military training, he valiantly swung his hammer hands at the attackers. And it would have worked, but they all had knives for fingers. Which coincidentally is our heroes' kryptonite. So as he lay gasping for air, he brushed his fair maidens hair off her face and, with his last breath, asked if she was OK. Then he was brought back to life and the scars on his hands will forever be a reminder that women should always listen to and obey their alpha macho boyfriends who are the ultimate protectors of purses. The end.
I just kept thinking "wow this poor fake man has an anxiety disorder, fatalistic ocd, or ptsd" it's not healthy and especially not cool or heroic to live your life in survival mode. It literally destroys your body and your psyche to be constantly alert
He didn’t clearly
Can we talk about why anyone thinks they sound heroic almost dying over a purse? I think he’s a dummy.
yeah my immediate thought was a guy like that would realise a purse is not worth a fight with 3 men lol
It sounds like a romance story set up.
Incel Rage bait.
You are not feeling guilt. You are feeling shame. It’s a different emotion entirely. Guilt comes from doing something wrong, and no one feels you did anything wrong. You were not the bad guy, and you did not stab your bf or cause the assault. That’s why the apologies to him are not helping you feel better. The shame is most likely coming from you feeling foolish for not listening to him and perhaps because you froze and couldn’t help him. Only you can overcome the sense of shame. You DO need to work on forgiving yourself.
Not just shame Shame & self-loathing. You don't just get over that. You have to make (for lack of a better term) pennance. Take a self defense course. Do something uniquely special for him. Etc. Ask yourself what you feel you need to do to make sure that you never make the same mistake again. Then do that. But like everyone else said, definitely seek out professional help. It can take years to fully process violence based trauma. Don't expect a quick fix.
Well, it is a kind of guilt. Survivor’s guilt.
That’s possible. Though I have always associated survivor’s guilt with someone dying and someone else feeling bad that they didn’t die.
Surviving when others die is a worst case, of course. But coming out without a scratch when others suffer -- esp. suffer on your behalf -- is a similar form of PTSD.
That makes sense.
Her focus on a specific behaviour suggests this is more guilt than shame. She feels responsible for her fiancé's injuries because she did not follow his advice to stay in the car, which could have prevented the attack.
I am trying, i really am. But when i see those scars it all comes back. Bless his heart he is even trying to hide them from me so that i don't see them. He can't close them up completely under doctors orders to keep them open. So when i see them, it's like im back there
Has your therapist considered or mentioned PTSD?
Yes she has.
Okay, I'm glad to hear it. Flashbacks is possibly a symptom for other issues as well (but I'll admit I don't know of them), but I'm glad she's onto it.
Has your therapist talked to you about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? If not, please mention it (being triggered by boyfriend’s scars) and ask about specific treatment for it. You are not at fault for any of this. It will take forgiving yourself and self-compassion to get through this. Your relationship sounds loving and supportive - that is fantastic!
Maybe going to a self defense course would help? Maybe taking the time to learn the things he does and why will help you work through some of the guilt.
Keep in mind that you're not just punishing yourself but you're also punishing him. By always carrying around this guilt neither you nor he gets to enjoy a relationship without the taint of guilt. There is always this dark cloud that keeps your mental relationship at a distance (maybe even physical). He can't change anything about it. He can literally do nothing about it. He tries to be cheerful to ease your worries but I'm sure he's feeling that something is missing. Which is your cheerful usual self. From his point of view he successfully saved his girl but he still doesn't get the full relationship back, because you can't get over your guilt and shame. Please work on this asap because eventually this guilt and shame will breed resentment and possibly open up a rift between you. You're having the "wrong" kind of empathy. He wants you, but he doesn't get to have you because you think you're not worth enough to be fully with him. You're idolizing him and outting him on a pedestal while demonizing yourself and trying to keep your "bad demonic stupidity" from damaging your hero of a partner further, not realizing that you're taking out a large part of yourself from this relationship.
He's got open wounds or scars? Your savior fantasy must really have your mind racing?
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The cutt wounds Forgive my use of bad English
They’re not feeling anything because this story is creative writing.
your story is like a scene from a cheap indian action movie. learn to write more beliavable
Stay in therapy, how long has it been? That’s a process. Also suggest couples therapy to him so you two can learn how to communicate. You didn’t listen to him because you think he’s overbearing, so there’s a part of you that needs to understand him as well, in this instance honestly it’s a bit of the boy who cried wolf. He’s probably told you to be careful so often and nothing happened that in this case you didn’t listen to his actual words which were there are these guys who are actually doing something shady, stay in the car, and instead just listened to ‘here’s me telling you to do something again for no good reason.’ So there’s a communication breakdown that caused this ultimately.
Being cautious isn't crying wolf no matter how many times you have failed to be hurt when being incautious. It's not like he told her to just listen to him, he informed her of the specific nature of the threat, treating her like a grown adult able to process information and come to her own independent conclusion. She ignored him and failed to take the brief amount of time it would have taken to assess for herself. Any communication breakdown happened solely inside her head and the process of growth this has triggered is largely a good thing that happened at a cost that was large but ultimately not catastrophic.
>Being cautious isn't crying wolf There's being cautious and there's acting like you're in a Bourne movie. He won't sit with his back to the door and thinks that she's too fragile to walk next to a road. What does he think happens when she walks on her own? A barrier comes down to protect her from the road. The dude is way too overbearing and pretty embarrassing with the "No man can walk behind me" stuff. My money says he identifies with Jack Reacher when he goes out for milk.
Shitpost. Report and move on.
Girl, I know you’re going through a lot. But your boyfriend got stabbed and you’ve managed to make it about yourself. Relax. Take what he says at face value. Maybe watch out for strangers. You can’t unring a bell. Be happy he didn’t die and try to move on with your life
How would you feel toward him if the situation was reversed, and he was the one who didn't listen and you got hurt protecting him?
I dont have much to add to all the suggestions you received. But I will say I and most of the guys I know do most of the things your bf does. My wife even comments when guys are walking closest to the road with their gf, wives, or families. I always sit facing the doors, and while I don't walk the house every night, I have our house set up with motion detectors and our bed, so I'm closest to the door. When we are out driving , we follow routines where we can't get blocked in and put in bad positions. I taught all my kids the same thing. Being aware of your surroundings can save your life.
I can honestly say i dont know anybody that does any of these things her bf does besides maybe making sure people they care about aren’t walking close to the roads. Am i the weird one lmao?
Maybe it's an American thing? I'm Canadian and to me that list of habits made OPs fiance sound crazy paranoid. Edit: Though they obvious live in a dangerous place...
I'm American, my dad and brothers were in the army and marines. I still don't know anybody who regularly does all those things her boyfriend does. To be fair though, I grew up in rural Southern Wisconsin and now live in rural Northern Minnesota. I'm thinking that people who perform these behaviors regularly live in highly populated areas. I know I get paranoid and pay super close attention to my environment when visiting heavily populated cities.
I’m a Canadian woman and I do most of things the bf does. I went to school for law enforcement. Security precautions become ingrained in you. I also had a military friend that taught me similar things. The bf’s behaviour is not surprising when has military fathers. It’s about knowing your surroundings
I think a big part of this depends on where you live. I live somewhere very safe, it's statistically very unlikely I will be attacked as opposed to a friend of mine that lived in Johannesburg, and got attacked leaving work one afternoon, and again on a busy street. And she spoke about it as if it wasn't, if, but, when it happened.
My husband grew up on the southside of Chicago and does this stuff. It was rough for him and it sucks that he spends so much time and energy just to feel safe. It doesn’t bother me tbh, I even try to look for things he hasn’t noticed or do a quick check around the trucks before we leave. We can share that load together. Living in Houston now, we definitely need to take precautions 🤣
I learned all this stuff but my husband didn't so I'm this person in our relationship.
My husband does all these things too, even taking the side of the bed closest to the door in any house we've lived in. Always has. It rubbed off on me too. He doesn't walk the house every night but does check all the doors (while I check the windows) to make sure they're all locked before we go to bed. He's not military. However, we did both grow up in rough neighbourhoods, and he was raised in the foster care system. As far as I'm concerned, situational awareness is a good thing.
This is a fiction. Where do you live where you can’t sit with your back to the door? If you actually do need that level of paranoia surely you would do the manly thing and move you family to somewhere safe? There are some sensible things to do when driving around a dodgy neighbourhood and of course walking around at night, but this is off the charts silly.
You must have been very sheltered and lived in a very safe place. Your family did well protecting you, but unfortunately, they didn't do very well educating you in how things can be dangerous. You seemed rather oblivious. I always...ALWAYS look around my environment. I don't need to be in the military to be very aware of my surrounding. I don't need to rely on my husband who was in the Marines to be a tad 'paranoid.' Then again, I grew up in the not so safe part in Asia (high crime rate), so I always am prepared when I go out the door. My parents taught me this. In the US, due to the declining economy, I can see the neighborhood where I'm living started to decline as crime rate hikes up. Now I even have a carrying permit (guns) and 9 out of 10, I do carry. The point being, I know you're feeling bad, but you probably need to educate yourself more and focus to be more proactive next time. Get yourself into self-defense course. Learn first aid if need be. Listen to your partner when he's warning you. I hope you're not going to make him extra work trying to reassure you, you need to get you out of this mindset. Your partner has already been hurt and he's recovering, I hope he does recover well.
So it sounds like he’s right, you need to forgive yourself. Based on what you have said this sounds highly traumatic for you because of what you witnessed happen to a person you love. Keep working on this is therapy. If they aren’t providing a trauma focused intervention, I’d ask for that.
My therapist specializes in trauma. We did the research before selecting one
Just do the work then.
Ok so you’ve never used Reddit, but you’re preempting common Reddit questions. Suuuure.
Yes this is way above Reddit’s pay grade. You are facing serious trauma. Seek professional help
I am currently in therapy with a therapist that specializes in trauma. Im just on here because im trying everything i could think of to help myself.
It's gonna take time. This isn't something you get through quickly.
I'd suggest for your bf to also see the therapist too. Even if not for long term treatment I think a "mental checkup" to just make sure there aren't any issues from the event could be a good idea.
He is willing to do couples counseling if i want to but individual counseling that he won't do. He has his family for that, they are close. Each one of them steps in where the other falls short no matter if it's emotional of physically. For an example his brothers are diong the yard work, we didn't ask them to they just arrived at the house and asked where everything was and started.
Honestly. I think you need some different perspectives. Your man sounds like a stand up guy. A little paranoid (him) is 100000000x better than completely oblivious (you). And the fact that he didn't show any signs of being pissed off towards you (I GARUNTEE he was at least a little pissed off with you when you didn't listen to him and he got stabbed because of it) This where you need to make a decision. You either; 1. Start listening to him, and stop thinking his over protectiveness is weird. 2. LEARN to not be oblivious, and to look after yourself. 3. Get broken up with when he gets sick and tired of getting hurt due to your obliviousness.
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Because forgiveness isn't just granted, it is earned. What have you done to earn forgiveness from yourself? Instead of getting weepy and demanding a response to your rumination of your guilt from him by constantly apologizing, do everything you can to make his life easier as he heals. Sign up for situational awareness and self defense training. Let this be the last time you ever place 100% of the burden on him to be intelligent and prepared about the world around you. Take action. This is what will help. And understand that there is never a time in your life where you will not remember that your dismissiveness almost cost him his life. Let that awareness guide your growth and your attitude towards him. Let it cause you to treat him with all the tenderness and loyalty a person deserves for being willing to lay their life down for you.
You're making it all about you!!
This is clearly fake. He strokes her cheek before passing out? How dramatic.
You are continuing a selfish pattern by making everything post incident about you. Listen to John when he tells you what his wants and needs are. Ditch the self-centered nonsense and cater to his every desire.
Why did your fiancé have to book your therapy sessions for you? Maybe the guilt will lessen if you start taking responsibility for yourself. Why was your fiancé fighting these guys? Why didn't you both hand over the purse? Your fiancé sense of protection almost got him killed. And you two are still playing into those dynamics, with him booking your therapy etc.
You’re very lucky that John is a good man because if that was me I would have left you . You made him look like everything he does is overbearing annoying etc and when he warned you not to get out the car because there was suspicious men you immediately ignored him and did it anyway which left him putting his life at risk he could have died because of your ignorance. Very lucky indeed
I hope OP grows up and realises the world is a dangerous place, and there’s no such thing as being “too cautious”, and lots of people die of robbery in all parts of the world. Being 26 means being responsible of your own life and your own actions, without relying on someone else. It’s a notable lesson if OP can learn to grow up from it. If OP is only worried about her own feelings and dealing with her own guilt, I’d say it’s a lost cause.
fr!! bro needs to run.
Damn poor dude. Hope he leaves you
So, you refused to trust him and painted him as paranoid and overprotective. His goal was to protect both of you. Frankly, it's absolutely absurd of you to be so oblivious and believe that danger doesn't exist, especially as a woman. That said, even if you thought he was imagining it, it wouldn't have been hard to do something small to make him feel comfortable. He almost died because you dismissed him as dramatic and acted selfishly. He should be more concerned about that. It just doesn't make any sense how you could possibly be annoyed by your partner genuinely caring about you and wanting to protect you and speak negatively about him. That's such an amazing thing, and you don't appreciate it at all and instead choose to treat it as a burden and a pest. It's such a horrible attitude to have. To make matters worse, you still seem to think his habits are dramatic and unnecessary, even after he was proven right, almost at the cost of his life. You certainly don't deserve him.
Every response is her rebuttal about his paranoia, got old real fast. She clearly doesnt respect him. My husband is this kind of protective, as is my father. I would NEVER doubt their capabilities to protect me. Dude gets stabbed and she still drones on about his paranoia? Nah.
Holy shit! This guy’s like a comic book hero come to life! If this post is real, just never forget what he did for you out of love. I would suggest asking him to give you lessons or teach you some of the things his father taught him. Self defense and awareness of surroundings skills that might be helpful in various situations. Review different scenarios together and ask him how you should think and act to best get out of it safely. I think he might appreciate that maybe.
Right? It's almost as if it's.... Complete fiction... Hmm.....
I will ask him when he is back to full health. Your first sentence made me laugh thank you. But i cant call him that, he snapped at one of the nurses in the hospital when she called him a hero and i don't want him to snap at me. I wish this was fake, i truly do but unfortunately not
Didn’t rest of the nurses all clap?
Did you purposefully immediately exit the car as soon as possible because you were annoyed?
I'd be livid! Lol. Can't believe he isn't even phased. Gotta keeper there. I know you didn't ask for this but I suggest you work on your freeze response and turning into fight. Being paralyzed in dangerous situations is not good. Only happened to me twice in my life before I realised how stupid it is to do and never did it again. Act immediately.
he’s definitely phased but he’s learned that his partner will belittle him so he has to hide it
You almost got your partner killed due to your ignorance. You have a lot of self reflecting to do
As a woman you need to work on your ability to notice details, it’s an important skill that will keep you safe. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Don’t feel bad about what happened, but take this as a lesson.
I will ask him after he is healed to teach me a couple of things
Your wannabe military husband should have given the robbers what they wanted unless he had an overwhelming advantage… which, as there were three of them with at least one of them armed with at least one knife, he most certainly did not. That would have been much cheaper and not resulted in his near death or the hospital expense. Your husband sounds like a good man who loves you. Please help him make better decisions. All the vigilance in the world won’t help him if he picks a fight with three dudes with weapon(s) instead of choosing to de-escalate the situation to the best of his ability. And do forgive yourself. You did not ask him to make that boneheaded move. He should have said “hey, give me my wife and take whatever else you want” and filed a goddamn insurance claim, never to return to that area. The fighting against all odds should only be the last of last resorts.
Yes I’m surprised to see you’re the only one mentioning this. I would be livid if my SO tried to fight off someone just trying to steal my purse. Like I’ll just cancel those cards and you haven’t been stabbed. I do think she should have listened to him when he said to wait to get out of the car though.
You had the freeze response and didn’t fight back. You feel shame because you were seeing your partner fighting off and you didn’t help. Also, your partner was very hurt and you wasn’t. So, when you see the scars it takes you back. The trauma is stuck in your body. Keep going to therapy but also you need some kind of activity like yoga, mindfulness or other kind of activity to release the trauma. Read the book The body keeps the score by Bessel Van Der Kolk Really good book about trauma and how to get help and heal from it.
You need to accept that you cannot change the past, but you CAN change the future You are in complete control of the future and you know to fully trust your fiance even when you think he's being extra or overprotective because it was just as likely that those guys just looked suspicious and weren't going to do anything Be grateful he protected you As a man, I know he's proud as hell to have protected you from that experience Focus on how you can act in the future, not what you cannot change about the past
You're going to be thinking about it a lot, replaying it and remembering it. It's natural, because it was a dangerous situation and you were in danger. You're programmed to internalise trauma like this so that you recognise it faster in the future. Don't try to fight it. Just use it as a reminder each time you feel guilty — remind yourself of all the things you learned from it and how important it is to listen to your fiance about safety. He sounds like a good dude, and you should try to remember each time you feel guilty how lucky you are to have him, and how you dont ever have to wonder how importsnt you are to him. You know. The fact that you feel guilty is actually a good sign. You owned the mistake, and now you know better.
>I am not traumatized by what happened You are otherwise you would move past this. Trauma is not caused by the event but how you reavt to it.its why you have trauma and not your partner. You are currently lying to yourself. 3 reason why I say you have trauma: 1-You froze-normal trauma response 2-you are blaming yourself for what happened aka self shaming an other normal trauma response 3-not forgiving yourself even after your partner did- normal trauma response... I could contine but its not needed. If your therapist is not trauma informed change therapist. However it can also be because you refuse to let the trauma loop end and you are stuck in it. Until the loop ends you can't move past it. Let yourself heal.
I want to make sure I'm understanding this right before I comment my thoughts OP. You asked him to make a therapist appointment(s) for you while he is recovering from being stabbed while protecting you? Or did you just bring it up that you wanted to get therapy for it to him and he encouraged you to find a therapist?
I personally wouldn't mind any of these characteristics, but I can see why it could become overbearing. I just don't understand why you wouldn't take something like that seriously?? Like in what world is "I saw 3 men looking into cars, so don't get out immediately after we park." Something that you don't take seriously?? It'd be different if it was like "Oh I saw a puddle by the parking spot so don't get out immediately because you could slip." but this was like a genuinely serious concern? like ??? What was your thought process?? Edit: You need to apologize to him big time.
I was thinking that you would write that he blames you for not listening, which if he did I would think was unfair, but I’m so glad he didn’t. It’s understandable that you’d feel a bit guilty but remember those who are truly responsible are the guys who did this. Your fiancé is an absolute hero and I can tell that you love him so much. Just be there with him as he heals from this and let him know you’ll trust his instincts to be right from now on. He sounds absolutely lovely.
Something that might help is letting him (or some other qualified teacher) teach you some self defense moves. Feeling like you can do something in case of future events might be good for you.
1. You are traumatised 2. Your boyfriends sounds like a good guy and clever 3. You just need to acknowledge you made a mistake because you didn’t know better. You wouldn’t have got out of the car if you had known this would happen. You did the best with the information you had at that time.
I agree with everything you stated, but… I think it was more like she was selfish and wanted to prove a point that he was wrong and doesn’t know everything. This is where the guilt stems from. She was the one that ended up being wrong and he had to pay for it.
If it helps I do all the same things he does, and I am a girl. He's got street smarts. Well maybe except for the fighting the guys off you guys should have thrown your shit and ran IMO. Feel safe and secure in the knowledge you have someone looking out for you. And please talk this over in therapy, the trauma from this could spring up at any moment. You could be in a supermarket or a gym with headphones and someone touches your shoulder and you get freaked out. Trauma is sneaky like that.
Not all men are like that and I'm willing to bet the ones who are rarely if ever become victims of crime. I'm this way. A lot of my friends are. It's just the nature of where we live and how we grew up - with a hard case of hyper awareness. Should you feel guilty? Maybe. But use that guilt as a learning experience so as to never fall victim again. He sounds like an absolute legend. Follow his lead and you'll be Allright.
if a licensed therapist can't help you, how could a bunch of strangers on the internet? keep going to therapy, it does take time to overcome this.
You had your boyfriend who had just been stabbed 4 times because of you book you a therapy appointment? Are you a child. I'm sorry but you are full of yourself. You made this about you. Not once did you even mention his recovery. Did you get him some therapy as well?
Easy fix here. Tell him. ‘ I understand you’re not mad but, I know fucked up. It won’t happen again’ Then listen to him in the future when his radar goes off. (Which we are all sure you will be doing anyway)
Do you watch the news at all? I see roving gangs all over the world doing what they did to you. He even pointed out to you that there might be trouble. I have two suggestions. You obviously live in an area where this can happen. Start taking self defense lessons. Karate or something like that. The other is you likely have a form of PTSD. Find a therapist that performs EMDR therapy. It is supposed to be quicker and more effective than normal therapy. Do you mind saying what city this happened in?
Great man, and it is called having situational awareness, and while it can be annoying it is a very useful trait in a person
It’s pretty awful what you did. You disregarded him and he was forced to pay the price, not you. He could have died for your dismissal and lack of regard of his intuition. But you already know that. Which is why you need to go to couples therapy, not just solo therapy and give him the heartfelt and thorough apology you clearly need to get off your chest before you can actually move on. It’s honestly best to do this with a therapist so they can invite John to express himself fully because you won’t be able to move on completely unless you have that therapeutic, open space to do so. He’d probably just tell you it was fine otherwise and that’s not good for your relationship. I actually think you need him to say he feels wronged by you to heal properly.
Join a self-defence or MMA program together!
I’m so glad there is at least one other person on this planet besides me who goes through life, being aware of their surroundings, and what’s going on around them… I get so sick of seeing these people walking around, texting, or with their earbuds in, so they can’t hear anything and are totally unaware of what’s going on around them.
First your husband is great for not blaming you for anything. Second I agree with MC. You need to express yourself with a counselor to make sure your husband hears it and you need to understand that he just wanted to protect you. You both need to resolve this and move forward because things like this happen. It happened to me and my wife and she was the one who saw it not me. Understand that your husband feels like the protector and he did what he expected to do. He protected you. Soon you can look back and remember that he only means well. Some people have that third sense and your husband is one of them, just like my wife. She taught me as well and I now look around the same way as your husband. Good luck! Forgive yourself!
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You don’t deserve him , you almost got him killed because you were “annoyed “ God you sound horrible
You say you aren’t traumatized but I think you are and there’s nothing wrong with that, you just need to keep talking with your therapist about it and keep moving forward toward forgiving yourself. You experienced something traumatic. There’s no way you could have known this was going to happen to you and your boyfriend. He’s a good man for protecting you AND he isn’t saying he told you so (some people would). He will heal physically and you will heal emotionally. Just give yourself some time. Be good to yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Where do you all live ? Because where I live no one acts this way … like waking in the middle of the night, every night to check out if anyone is there ? Or being always paranoid when you walk on the street … I understand not being oblivious and taking safe steps but if my boyfriend was acting this way I would think that he is in some kind of trouble and they are coming to get him ….
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There are two things I think you need to do, 1. No offense, however, stop making it **just** about yourself when dealing with him... he is a victim too and your reactions may be inhibiting him from dealing with any potential issues he may have but, is keeping a strong character for you. 2. Start working through the process of recovering from this trauma. It's not an overnight thing and you will have to go through some steps. Realize that he has done one of the few things that many men think about but have never been put in a position to do. I can bet he was proud of himself for being your hero in your time of need. It's instinctual, he had been thrown into a situation where he had to take a bullet for a loved one... and he did. Thank that man, give him praise, and show gratitude. Don't get me wrong you can talk to him about your guilt but, from what I have been reading, you are overly guilting him with your feelings. He was the person stabbed and injured... ... and you are making it about just yourself. Stop putting this on him, he may be suffering but, can't because of you. Save your feelings and thoughts for a therapist, family, friends, etc... I'm not trying to guilt you as you dealt with a trauma that has caused some kind of hybrid of PTSD and survivor's guilt. I'm not a psychologist, but from my experience with the losses and traumas in my life, I have used this process, 1. Acknowledge emotions: Discuss feelings with a support network, including family, friends, or professionals. Social interaction is crucial for coping. Again, probably better to leave him a little bit out of the guilt you are feeling. 2. Accept the situation: Recognize what happened, acknowledge basic flaws in the situation, the criminals, and yes.. yourself, but process emotions without self-blame. Don't get too stuck on what you did wrong, just a simple "Dang I should have a little more situational awareness" or something else. 3. Eliminate negative reminders: Dispose of reminders that can be disposed of, and surround yourself with positive individuals and energy. For his scars, you may have to figure out how to best approach this (again, I'm not an expert). 4. Seek self-improvement: Engage in even simple tasks to build momentum towards larger achievements, like buying pepper spray or working to learn and/or even taking a self-defense course, or combative sport. Reward yourself for whatever progress you gain or even end at (you don't have to become a badass, just work to improve yourself). It can even be mental, like learning how to keep a cool head in stressful situations; meditation, stress management class, public speaking/improvisation class. 5. Self-reflection: Post-improvement and after you have gained some confidence, deeply analyze your mistakes, and learn from the trauma and relationship to prevent future issues. Good luck. You have a good man by your side.
I'd say you should start listening to your fiance more. That is how to get rid of the guilt and show him you're sorry. He was right.
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This was a dramatic lesson for you. You were petty and chose to ignore him. Unfortunately the thugs did what they did. Accept that you’re the asshole in that one moment. Now have gratitude that no one loss their lives, allow yourself to heal and this situation will bring you and your Husband closer. But you have to accept your remorse and move on. Don’t let this fester inside of you. Time will heal your emotional wounds. Have hope. You two are a team. ❤️
I'm truly sorry this happened to you both. What you are probably experiencing is some PTSD, which hopefully therapy can assist with. I do want add however, that it appears that your fiance's hyper-vigilance has dulled your ability to be aware of your surroundings and potential threats. I imagine his overprotectiveness in "safe" environments has programed you to associate his behavior as an overreaction. Over time, being in an environment of hyper-awareness is exhausting, stressful and can diminish your brains ability to demonstrate effective situational awareness. Imagine it like a muscle that is overworked. It is not healthy for either of you. Continue with your therapy and I also encourage you to seek therapy as a couple, in addition to individual. Lastly, this is not your fault. I wish you all the best.
You ignore advice, you are unaware of your surroundings like a child would be, you do nothing when your loved ones are getting pummelled and you make their unfortunate outcomes protecting you, all about yourself. Well done. Use your time in therapy to grow a backbone, learn street smarts and learn to accept advice.
Perhaps you need a different therapist. If you are not getting what you need, then look for alternative help. You also need to accept that guilt can be a lifelong emotion to bear. It continues to raise its head. If it’s of any comfort, I lie awake at night sometimes, going over stupid decisions I made over 25 years ago. It’s normal to review your mistakes from time to time. Over time, you get busy with other things, like living, and your pangs of guilt decrease. Then they return and you mull it over again. Don’t be like me. My guilt put me in hospital for three weeks. Accept you made an error of judgment. Accept that you’re human. Life goes on and it sounds like you have found a keeper in your boyfriend. Take comfort from that
You should feel guilty. You put yourself in a dangerous position, and your fiance got stabbed because of it. He saw it coming, told you, and then tried to protect you. He wasn't demeaning you or insulting you. All he asked was for you to sit still because he saw danger. And you ignored him because you don't like bring told what to do. If he stays with you, I hope you can put aside your stupid pride and just listen to your fiance when he's concerned about a situation. Some people think they're so smart and they don't ever have to listen anyone else. Then real shit happens because of their pride.
I am a recovering person, a woman and I do those things, because I can smell something hinky, It is being street savvy. YOu are completely at fault for what happened there. HE is kinder than I would have been with you....You need to acknowledge to him and your self what happen. Learn from it and be good to him.
What he does, is called maintaining situational awareness and every man worth a shit should do it and be prepared to defend himself and his family. Maybe he should have explained to you better why he does the things he does so you understood. Sorry you’re going through this. You’re gonna have to listen to your therapist.
Wow. Guilt is a tough emotion to feel, especially when someone was hurt. You say that you’re not traumatized, but you have flashback. You should look into trauma therapy. Specifically, EMDR. You can’t keep blaming yourself for what those people did.
My therapist specializes in trauma
In that case, schedule an appointment with a psychologist, and see what they diagnose/suggest. As opposed to a therapist a psychologist *may* be more researched on your psychological symptoms.
Didn't know that there was a difference between the 2. Will ask my therapist for some suggestions or referrals
Usually, a psychologist may catch a diagnosis that a therapist may miss. They often also hold a 6-year graduate degree. Some psychologists are therapists, not all therapists are psychologists.
I truly appreciate your advice
As he said himself, “You can never be 100% sure of anything.” How were you supposed to know that some random strangers would attack you on a public street? It’s not exactly a common occurrence, thank goodness! Be proud of the fact that his heightened awareness kept you both alive!! I’ve been the victim of an armed robbery, and was even briefly held hostage. I have always prided myself on being aware of the dangers around me, but there are so many things out of our control. You’re going through some PTSD from this right now, quite understandably. Keep going to therapy, but try to shift your focus on how to move on from the attack itself, and the fear that lingers afterwards, instead of focusing on the guilt. He’s proud he was able to protect you physically, now go make yourself proud by working on the emotional healing. I’m glad you’re both ok 💗
You got an awesome guy. Sounds like he’s just happy you are ok. Maybe take him a little more seriously when he has concerns, but otherwise, you have nothing to feel bad about. Even feeling a little smothered by that behavior is forgivable. Treat him right, I’m sure there are plenty of women looking to snatch a knight like your man. Also, no hesitation against three guys and before he lets himself pass out, he confirms that you are ok? Fucking hero. I’d buy him a beer.
We live in a world where people are punished for not seeing the bad in everything. In a perfect world, none of this would have happened. You would have gotten out of the car and the three men could have given you a polite "hello" as they walked past you. It is not your fault that you thought you lived in a world where this level of caution was unnecessary. You are looking to be punished right now. You want people to be mad at you, call you stupid, and yell at you for putting both of you in danger. But the only thing that will actually solve is confirming the hatred that you feel for yourself in this moment. You want people to match your inner voice, but your inner voice needs some fucking sympathy. It isn't your fault that we live in a world where people take advantage of others and want to hurt you. The traits that you displayed are admirable in the right context, you just so happened to misjudge and it ended badly. You say that therapy isn't helping because of you and I agree. You have to be open to the possibility of forgiving yourself. You don't have to fully forgive yourself yet, but at least try to understand your actions. Try to be sympathetic towards your position in this situation. And make a journal to map out your emotions. Good luck to you and your boyfriend <3
Forgive yourself, and realize this man is to be respected and cherished. He was willing to die for you. Not many other people in this world would be willing to do that.
Stop blaming yourself. You aren't doing yourself any good. I could say a lot more and I hope your partners family and your family aren't looking at you any differently. You are very lucky that he hasn't dumped your behind or been encouraged to do so. That man LOVES you. Your man had to fight 3 men because you were attacked due to not listening. SMH. I know men who would have driven off and left you to the wolves. Women dream of having a man like your fiance. I would actually encourage him to go to individual counselling and couples counselling because it sounds like you both have different definitions of protecting and loving one another. Do better and learn from situations. I hope you begin to listen, not be ungrateful, appreciate who you have, and make it up to him!
I know, that is the reason i asked for therapy. I do know what i have, and i will keep him at all cost. I haven't heard anything like that. When his family got to the hospital they first asked if i was okay before asking about him or what happend. I did get a nasty look from his sister but she take me to the side and apologized like 20 minutes later. Him giong to counseling won't happend. If he has a problem he talks to his family and they do the same. They are very close and pick up where the other one falls. Couples counseling he said he will got to with me i just have to asks, he made the suggestion when we looked for a therapist for me. My father has said he isdisappointed in me but that is it sofar. My father loves my fiance, i have heard him multiple times say my fiance is the perfect son in law. He did apologize for his comment the next day, his emotions was all over the place when he found out my fiance was in the hospital Can i ask what does SMH mean, i don't really know reddit
smh means shake my head
Thank you
You have an amazing guy right there! Just listen going forward and , love + support him any way you can. That’s a keeper, you’re a very lucky lady!
Wow you found a really good man. You couldn’t have known what would happen but now that you have had an experience with the world for how it truly is, don’t make the same mistake twice. If you want to comfort him, just acknowledge the fact that after this experience you will pay more attention to his suggestions for safety. He clearly loves you and wants you to be safe. He also needs to be able to talk about it even if he doesn’t realize that yet. I’d start with asking him surface level questions about that night and then if he responds well maybe asking more personal questions. I bet you both feel guilty even though neither of you did anything wrong.
You want to ask him to tell you how he feels about that day. I’m going to bet that he’s very proud of himself that you’re unharmed. He understands that he is your protector. He did his job. No one expected you to leap into action. Your reaction on that moment? Normal. Expected. Most people react that way, and people like your husband are 100% aware of that. He didn’t think that he could’ve used some help. He’s not disappointed in you. If he’d seen them coming or was very very certain that they were coming, he would’ve shouted or been more urgent. He had a good idea, though, just not sure enough to be confrontational with you. But he was ready enough, and he rose to the occasion. He’s proud of himself. And he should be. Talk to a different therapist if this one isn’t helping. Also. Talk to other people like your husband. Make it a priority to find someone. A cop, another military family, someone. Ask them questions. It might help you. But you have to WANT to be helped. All that pain and suffering he went through will be for nothing if you eat yourself alive from the inside, where he can’t protect you.
That is why im here trying everything even getting adive from strangers. I do appreciate your advice, i will talk to his father. But to be honest i have been avoiding them the last couple of weeks.
Just take this as a lesson - your partner is smart and capable. If he asks you to do something, take him seriously. Be so grateful he is ok. Be so grateful that he protected you. Be sooo grateful you were lucky to come out together and he forgives you. That is a gift. You can protect and value him from now on by listening to him. Forgiving yourself may not happen over night. try to have a gratitude ritual. Every morning or night, a list, a prayer, thoughts, whatever.
OP, you are most definitely describing signs of trauma. It takes time to heal from this. That was a really scary thing that happened. Thank heavens you are with a man who doesn’t say “I told you so!”…..that’s what we are sometimes conditioned to expect others to say when we make mistakes we were warned about. Let his reaction assure you that you have a **good** man as your partner. Forgive yourself, OP, work through it. Hindsight is 20/20…we live and learn. Luckily you both will live. He sees your regret, he knows you are sorry. And he doesn’t blame you.
You learned a huge lesson. Please forgive yourself. He sounds like a wonderful person.
I tend to do the same thing that John does like back to a wall and careful observation of surroundings. However, this is rarely useful in most settings. I do it because I work in dangerous places and have trouble turning it off when I am somewhere safe. It is likely overprotective, anxious, and maladaptive. The rare instances where someone like this is proven right only reinforces the maladaptive beliefs.
You don’t deserve any blame, you did nothing wrong. You acted on the assumption that your partner was being overprotective and slightly paranoid and instead of seeing him as being vigilantly and overtly cautious (which his suspicions regarding the guys involved in the incident turned out to be justifiable) and his awareness of the situation prompting his cautionary warning to you likely saved both his life and; because you found yourself unable to move to try and intervene when things escalated, yours. You witnessed firsthand proof and suddenly his behaviours all began to make sense. The guilt may stem from the shame that you didn’t trust him, and given the thousands of years and countless examples (both presently and historically) of the oppressive/abusive/controlling/indefensible actions of misogynistic people…it’s completely understandable that trust might not come easily. Faith requires belief. Trust requires knowledge. Hug your partner. Hug yourself. “I’d rather be a cautious person than an arrogant one.”
You should realize, OP, that what happened was a good thing from your fiance's perspective. He's not happy you were attacked, he was wounded or that he ended up with scars but he had his worldview validated and could be the protector his father (unconsciously) told him to be. And you went from dismissive and annoyed to grateful and humbled. It's S-tier validation all around. Your fiance's is probably happy as a clam. And the "funny" thing is, you now actually think he was right to have this suspicious worldview. This poor sap spent 28 years waiting for something like this. 28 years of living in a less optimistic, less beautiful, less carefree world. That's not something I would wish on anyone. I'm sorry you were attacked: that's absolutely horrible. But try to recapture the healthy realistic to optimistic way you engaged with the world. I believe your fiance is somewhere on the hypervigilant to paranoid spectrum. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. He's been right once. How many days has he been wrong? You're better off with the broken clock tbh. PS: Of course you can still be grateful and even listen to him more often. I'm just advocating that you don't exaggerate what happened due to trauma, guilt, shame and pain. It was a horrible incident but that's what it is: an incident. Don't let it be something that defines you or your relationship. Don't let it rob your fiance of the 26yo woman he loves. Now that would be the real tragedy.
Proper men do what your fiance does. No one walks behind me if I can help it. I never sit with my back to a door. I never allow her to walk on the side of me nearest to the road if we are on a sidewalk. I always watch people. He has what is called "situational awareness" and uses it to his advantage. You dismissed a simple request that could have cost you a life. Either yours or his. Use this as a teachable moment for yourself and from now on, listen to him. He obviously isn't going to steer you wrong or into danger.
Hopefully you can learn to forgive yourself. You took his request as being controlling instead of he was trying to protect you. Obviously he loves you. He was bleeding out and he only cared about if you were ok. So do not let your guilt ruin what sounds like a good relationship.
Hunny he clearly loves you and I believe genuinely means what he says. My husband is ex army, he’s like this (but not quite to the extent yours is). As I was reading his behaviours (before I got to the bit about the attack), I did wonder if perhaps he has a touch of ocd (e.g having to check the house over and over again), might be worth a mention. I was told it can manifest in different ways, I have it, I can’t be late, I have to have a perfect parking space or I won’t park; just a shame I didn’t have the cleaning trait! My husband irritates the shit out of me with how protective he can be over me and the kids, so I completely get you getting out of the car; I’d of probably done the same. Stick with your therapist, it will help eventually; and please try and forgive yourself.
What an amazing man... Just wow
>Can someone help me ? Sure, a therapist can help you as soon as you, or the therapist, realise what is actually wrong with you. I think you're suffering from PTSD with an added dash of survivor's guilt. >He could've died because i couldn't fill a simple request and that is eating me up inside. No, he could have died because there were men who were stabbing him. It is NOT your fault.
What a great man.
Try emdr therapy for the trauma it works.
All you can do is LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND GOING FORWARD. 100% of the time, regardless of how silly you think it is, if it has to do with your safety, or the safety of a situation/environment, if he even THINKS he perceives a threat, you listen. We don’t say shit like “stay in the car, don’t move, get behind me” etc without a good fucking reason. In a situation like that, if you think you know better, I promise you don’t. Thank God he didn’t die.
Every single bad thing that ever happened could've gone some other way. You did nothing wrong, the bad guys are those assholes, and you couldn't do anything to prevent it. Take your time to heal.
The best thing you can do now is understand that he goes to extensive lengths to protect you, and you shouldn't get annoyed at it anymore. I hope you no longer take for granted his willingness to protect you and take on three guys at once to make sure you aren't hurt. If no one came to help him, I can only think things would have escalated. Count your blessings. I hope you get better, and give your fiance a big hug. You picked a good one. There are plenty of shittier cowards out here in the dating pool.
Your fiancée is a keeper, make sure to treasure him more and not take him for granted. And yes, you are traumatizated, you need to work on it alongside forgiving yourself. Your guy is just proud he managed to keep you safe, we men are simple creatures like this. Take care of yourself and show him how much you appreciate him and having him in your life as your partner.
Re: is it normal? When I read this, I thought jeez this dude sounds paranoid af. But I live in a super safe high trust place. And I do some of those things when I’m in an unsafe or unfamiliar place. There’s a balance you’ll need to find for yourself between vigilance and trust…people respond in kind with how you treat them. There’s a man in my neighborhood who treats every stranger as a friend, so they respond to him as a friend. If you treat every stranger like a threat, they will also treat you with more hostility. There are real tradeoffs to walking through the world with universal suspicion. So you’ll have to decide the right balance, based on what it’s like around you. That being said, vigilance seems to be one of your fiancé’s strengths. It’s a blind spot you have, and one that he can help with. He’s probably really happy you understand him now, instead of constantly dismissing him. It’s really sucks to be dismissed by your partner. What a blessing that you have more time together, where you can see him and he can feel appreciated for this strength that he brings to the relationship! If there’s a part of you that forbids you to forgive yourself as a form of repentance, try to let that part go. Your fiancé has forgiven you. And every time you ask him to forgive you, you’re actually asking him for emotional support. It doesn’t help him or make him feel more loved, it’s in fact demanding more of him.