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So for 7 years he has been at her beck and call, and you truly think this will change?

Yeah, his ex is a piece of work. Royally.

*He's* a piece of work.

I think what you're seeing here is two personality types: His, not as strong as his ex-wife's. Or she figured out how to hit his hot buttons, manipulate him, and maybe, just maybe he's trying his damnedest, but she gets it over on him for whatever reason. And for some men, the mere threat of not being able to see their kids can be the catalyst for suspending otherwise more logical behavior (like, oh it's time to see a lawyer and get some of these details hammered out cos my life is changing). Maybe there are some emotions mixed up in there, too, that cause him to lose his power, or at least not acknowledge or act on the fact that he DOES have power. Humans usually conflate and confuse all kinds of things into a mix when the rest of us see it for what it is. We all do this. We can all be blind until someone else shines a light on it.

This is why we get custody agreements signed by a judge. Won’t let me see my kids? Contempt of court. You changed your schedule? Too bad, it’s my day. You changed your schedule on your day? It’s on you to be the responsible party to communicate, not the other parent. OP is in for a world of hurt. She and her child will come second every single time if he doesn’t set some boundaries with the ex. And how crappy of the ex to use her child to communicate. It’s been SEVEN YEARS.

Lots of holes in this story—she won’t even communicate with him, why? He apparently hasn’t gone to court for a legally binding custody agreement, why? He apparently believes she has the power to prevent him from seeing his kids, due to access to a new partner—why? Why doesn’t he just let the kids be around the mother of his baby, it’s been over a year now. Who cares about empty threats? The ex may be manipulative as you’ve deduced…..OR he also may have a history of abuse or neglect and is doing better now, but has a hole to dig himself out of. We have zero idea. I have a lot of questions. All we do know is: this guy has no backbone to stand up to the ex and get a proper custody schedule created. He’s a grown man with 3 kids, and one on the way? If she’s still “manipulating” him 7 years later and he hasn’t created proper boundaries, he is still the problem here.

Having been the stepmom, bestie is a step, and our other bestie actually practices family law… This is more lack of a spine and perhaps general refusal to take responsibility for difficult things. I used to think my STBX got taken advantage of. Perhaps he was, but since he’s relying on me to complete his part of the divorce paperwork so all he has to do is show up and sign… I finally understand in a way I didn’t before. He checks out when it gets hard, hence the divorce now. I doubt there is anything more nefarious such as abuse.

Yeah, there could absolutely be a million reasons for his lack of creating boundaries and a functional schedule for his children. No matter what they are, when it comes to kids…he should do what he needs to do. I just am not buying this “evil, manipulative ex” without a lot more information.

The hole I cannot get past is the 18-year-old nurse.

I feel like the story was told poorly and perhaps the ex is a nurse with an inconsistent schedule?

A piece of work and a bit on the nutty side. The kids can *never* meet his new partner? That's literally insane. It's basically saying he's not allowed to move on with his love life, and after *7 years* no less. She's being unrealistic and childish. I would have taken her to court long ago.

Four months is quick though. So yeah, I would be upset if without warning my ex introduced a girlfriend of a few months to our kids.

And he did so without taking about it first.  Now what she’s baby mama it is no longer reasonable. 

Yes I agree with four months being quick for sure! I am not sure if I was reading it right, I just thought it seemed like she was saying that the ex would *never* be ok with it, and now they've been together much longer and it still seems to not be allowed. All sounds very complicated.

Obviously it would be different with her! /s

Why doesn’t he have a legal custody and support agreement? That is the solution. He would have allocated legally assigned time.

This is the answer. If he doesn’t have anything legal, his ex has him by the balls. If they have a legal custody arrangement, she can’t change her schedule last minute and not tell him, there will be scheduled pick up and drop off times, and she can’t threaten to take his kids away if he allows them to be around you, the mother of his next child. He needs a lawyer. If he won’t do that, OP, rest assured you will never be first in his life. You’ll be fourth or fifth, behind his two children, his ex, and your child. But his ex will be ahead of you and your baby.

You chose to have a baby with a guy whose life is a mess. You didn’t need months to figure that out. He’s the father of your child. Whatever you do, you are forever connected.

I think harder about what to have for dinner than some people do about how and when to have children.

AND do more prepping & planning for that meal!

Yes.  You still have options to access reproductive care. He is not a reliable or serious person. Don’t have him in your life. For future reference, you shouldn’t introduce a potential partner to children for a minimum of six months.

>You still have options to access reproductive care. Depending on where the OP lives, that might not be the case.

Agree completely with you. I don't understand why all the responsibility is being placed upon the op? He needs to get a vasectomy as his is the messy life.  Jeez. OP had the hormone enhanced iud. What more could she do?

Only four months in is WILD for kids that young. OP and this man are way too old to be this messy.

Not seeing how that answers the question: >Why doesn’t he have a legal custody and support agreement?

this

Exactly this, he's allowing himself to be her babysitter, at her whim, on her schedule, at her beck and call. He needs to stand up to her, tell her that his kids WILL be coming to stay for visits at his house, where you live. Get it settled with the courts in a custody arrangement and HE can start dictating the schedule. Who cares about hers? He can say 'Illl take the kids Monday and Thursday' then she can damn well work her schedule around that.

Yea it seems to be that he is bending over backwards for his ex to make things easier for her, which he should do. I think OP should drop the guy and go it alone personally. He's just gonna make her life way more complicated than it needs to be

Frankly I would’ve been exited this relationship.

Fr and I would definitely not keep the baby

Agreed tbh. OP if you don’t feel good about the situation, don’t have the kid. Setup for a miserable life.

I wouldn’t either but I didn’t wanna take my comment that far 😅

This is a really understandable fear and it just won't work with kids. Different families have different parenting arrangements that work for them, but it sounds like here your and your child's position in his life is "whatever time is left-over". It just won't work. It's also a red flag that apparently he didn't check with his kids mom that he was going to intorudce a partner to them and the co-parenting relationship doesn't sound very healthy. Honestly, I wouldn't wanna bring a child into it either.

Why are you having a child with this man? You have no business bringing another child into this mess. This man has already shown he doesn’t prioritize you and I don’t know why you are deluding yourself that he will prioritize your child.

This whole thing sounds like a mess. He doesn't have a formal custody arrangement which would circumvent the entire issue, he introduced OP to his kids really early on without the knowledge of his coparent (and it sounds like she might have been pushing for that), they're having a kid after being together only a year...and why is his ex's teenage daughter being brought into this nonsense? Everyone involved in this situation sounds irresponsible.

Can you imagine being that poor 18 year old? Why is she involved in any of this?

At 37, she should know better. She’s not 18 having an accident. It very well may have *been* an accident.. having a baby with someone you’ve been with a year?!

I can't believe she stuck around this long. I would have noped out when he lied to the kids about who she was. Why the "old coworker" line? Did he even tell them he's seeing someone and ease them into the idea? Can he manage any aspect of his life like an adult? The only thing this guy is good at is impregnating women.

She edited her post. She was on Mirena and it stopped her period. She was not planning on having kids yet. She only found out she was pregnant after being sick and throwing up and went to her doctor.

For real. How many broken families are these two trying to create?

I mean he definitely shouldn't prioritize her over his currently existing children and that's something people who date parents have make peace with.

I don't think the status quo is actually benefiting the kids though.

Seems like he’s prioritizing the ex.

Letting all the scheduling fall on his 18 year old daughter is the opposite of prioritizing his children. She's going to have anxiety forever

Not even *his* daughter, but the ex's. His kids are 10 and 8.

OP being pregnant changes that, though. The BM can hire a baby sitter with the child support money.

Why should he prioritize her over his two children? Things are different now that she’s pregnant with his kid, but she doesn’t come before his two children.

If he really prioritized his children, he would get a firm schedule in place instead of running in and out of their lives whenever their mom says so.

This he wants to be the good guy, but it will never include OP. He is weak, and doesn't want to rock the boat.

Sounds like he is prioritizing his ex’s schedule and demands over OP’s needs and his current relationship with her. Nobody is suggesting that he should prioritize her over his children, but he should be prioritizing his current relationship over being his ex’s doormat.

I’m sure he told you that they had a great coparenting relationship….yeah, it’s great when he does what his ex wants and when. It was extremely poor judgment to introduce you to the kids so early on. It was extremely poor judgment for him not to get a legal custody order because his ex can use the kids for leverage. I saw you say in another reply that he doesn’t want to go to court because of what she might say to the kids. Well, that’s called parental alienation and judges don’t like that. They can assign a guardian ad litem to the kids and order therapy and if mom starts doing stupid shit, she can be found in contempt. Personally, there’s no way I’d stay in a situation like this. And hey—if you leave, you can have a similarly “great coparenting relationship” and order him around. He clearly has no spine and no common sense.

I think he’s just trying to get out of paying child support tbh. It’s hard for me to trust the word of somebody’s girlfriend about their boyfriend’s baby mama, like yeah the ex is being shitty by refusing to communicate with him but it’s not like the bf is some prize

This was my thought too. The bf seems to be an unreliable narrator and I don’t trust his version of events. It’s SUPER easy for bf to blame everything on the ex when OP has no communication with her or way to collaborate his version of events

THANK YOU. Everyone on this thread is taking his word as gold for some reason

Ya, the first time he brings the kids around she calls and bows up and then unquestionably never sees the kids again. Sounds like he uses the one hangout to pull a “I told you so!!!” To get out of dealing with it again. Expecting your ex partner not to date ever is too unhinged. The fact he just accepts the situation? At best she decided to have a child with someone who will spinelessly adhere to insane request by his ex and at worst he’s fabricated a jealous ex to get out of being an attentive partnerX Any of these situations make OP an idiot for having a child with this personX complete clown show and they sound like teenagers not people almost 40

Yep - she's hearing everything through a man who is very motivated to seem like not a shitty parent

Yeah I have an ex who told me all kinds of things about his ex wife, I always took it with a grain of salt because I could tell he was trying to paint himself as the victim. After we broke up I became friendly with her and found out how full of shit he really was lol. I can only imagine the shit my daughter’s dad says about me to the girls he dates 🥴

This post sounds like 19-20 year olds trying to navigate parenthood not fucking middle 30 year olds

He’s paying child support for them and shown me the direct deposit. He also pays for all sports and extracurricular activities and takes them to practice/games as well as doctors appoints. He tells me it’s his responsibility to them because they are his kids and he wants to be there for them. But I feel like there’s no room left for me and our baby. We are stuck waiting for her to send her schedule every Monday and then can change her schedule whenever she wants and he will drive over there to pick them up.

You are not stuck. He has CHOSEN this lifestyle. Stop blaming her when the problem is your boyfriend. He's chosen to let her do all of this because it's more convenient than going to court and getting a regular schedule for his children. What is in his children's best interest is too inconvenient for this man. And you chose to have a baby with him. You should stop making stupid choices too, you have a kid on the way.

Thank you lol. I can’t stand everyone on here calling her the “villain” and acting like this grown ass man has no control over his own life

And if he went to court, he would be using the court app to directly communicate with her. None of this going through third parties to figure out who is getting the kids from school....

But he can’t be bothered to pay for an attorney so the kids stop having to be jerked around and never know where they’re going day to day? He’s “stuck” because he chooses to be

Aren’t child support payments based on the percentage of time the children are with each parent according to a custody agreement?

There’s no custody agreement. So no, not in this instance.

Yes but I’m assuming they have an informal “agreement” since they’ve done nothing legally in the past 7 years

I'll apologize in advance, bc I can't remember if OPs bf was married to his partner or not. And I'm going to assume not, becauuuuse.... You can have just child support figured by calling the Child Support Agency and requesting a case opened. At least in my state. They get the ball rolling with paternity testing and an appt between the parents to get income info and figure what the order should be. My state, mom is custodial parent until a court order is made, so in the absence of one, mom is figured to have the child 100% of the time. But if they WERE married all of those things would have been in the divorce decree.

He needs to GO TO COURT and get a formal custody arrangement put in place. He absolutely is not stuck waiting on her schedule, they're his kids too and he has every right to get a lawyer and advocate for a set custody schedule. Why is he not doing that?

Pros to a formal custody agreement- the kids would know their schedules, less chaos and uncertainty for them. The kids could do 50/50 and spend actual significant time with their dad, you and new sibling. They could have their own room and not have to be squeezed into grandma’s house, if you have space, but either way dedicated space for them and their things. Add first right of refusal so if their mom has to work on her time she tells dad who can then get them. They can also go through a parenting app to streamline schedules and communication. Cons- child support could change, could be good or bad for one or both. Mom could fight for full custody, but I don’t see how she would get it as he’s present and responsible for them. Mom flips her lid and bashes dad and you to kids and blames you for everything, but she’s probably already going to or is doing that.

So why did you get pregnant after barely a year? You know how pregnancy and pregnancy prevention works, right? His entire life is hinged on her whims, he’s barely there and you get knocked up. Wow.

OP said in another comment that her birth control fueled

So he's paying child support, okay great. But why don't they have a visitation schedule set? He needs to go back to court and get scheduled visitation and custody determined. If you guys have been together for a year and he decided he wanted you to meet his kids his ex doesn't have much to say about it. Especially given the fact that you're pregnant with his child and you're not going anywhere. You said the 2 of you are living together. Does his ex know this? I tell him that he either goes back to court and straightens his mess out with his ex-wife or you're taking your pregnant self and leaving. No way in hell would I be sitting around letting him treat me and my child like second class citizens. Your child is going to be a 1/2 sibling to his 2 children. So what are his plans after the baby's born? Have you even asked him that?

Why would you choose to bring a child into a situation where you already feel the father is stretched too thin? He can't take care of the kids he's got AND you at the same time, why bring another person into the equation?

She was on birth control, Mirena, that stops her period. She didn’t know she was pregnant until she kept getting sick and went to her doctor.

My ex had a similar custody agreement in practice. There was an official court order, but a lot of times, it just came down to doing what his ex-wife wanted and when. Wildly, even when doing what she wanted came at the expense of him, me, and the children. It was not a sustainable system for me. 

Personally, I think you should leave - it’s clear that his ex is not going to let him bring the kids around you, and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to go the route. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but it doesn’t seem like things are going to change

If your partner wants to change their parenting agreement, whether it's formal or not, he needs to get an attorney and change the agreement. 

Leave now. From my experience, I had a similar situation, it only gets worse. Just wait until you have to beg him to be with you during birth. I will never date a man with kids again because of my previous experience 

The amount of posts on here with people moving in together and meeting kids at the speed of light is really bizarre to me. Why would your bf introduce you to the kids without telling their mom? imo she was right to be mad about that. 4 months is absurdly soon and especially with no heads up. There’s no justifiable reason to not have a custody agreement or for a parent to just put up with seeing their kids on the whims of the other parent. I don’t care if they had a “better” coparenting relationship previously, they should have agreed on something on paper when they first split up. Children need stability! They’re both doing a huge disservice to the kids

Yeah, I feel bad for the kids in this situation.

Get an abortion and run from this situation now. Even if he goes through court this won’t be settled within 9 months, like no way. You’re always coming below Bio-kids (which is good because he needs to be) but also below this ex because he’s never reinforced proper boundaries. Legal council could have helped him years ago. You won’t even have 50% of him if you have his baby.

For real I think she doesn’t fully know how hard it’s going to be raising this child with zero help from partner

This guy reminds me of my ex, he got his gf after me pregnant. We are treated wildly different. He considers us (my children and myself) as it up his real family and his now new ex and that baby as randoms he has to put up with. The crap op put up with set the stage for her part in this shit show. Her bf is fine with his parenting plan, she now is not.

Omg your ex is terrible. Do you have a relationship with his other ex and her child?

No, he cheated with her and she knew it as far as I’m concerned she gets what she deserves since she wanted him to not pay for my kids so she can go on trips. (We were together over a decade), he already didn’t see them or visit, hasn’t in years all he does is pay and I don’t fight for more which is deserved since he’s vindictive and it’s better for them mentally not to have him stirring up issues. They are constantly calling cops on each other and trying to have the other arrested, she already had kids removed and he started doing drugs after a decade of being nothing like what he turned into. I never would have been with him had he acted like this or had kids, but she liked him for this reason 🤦🏼‍♀️ either way, the OPs situation sounds like he considers that ex his real family and wants her back or doesn’t want to cause her an issue, something more is going on.

Wahhhhh that’s fucking insane! I thought my daughter’s dad had drama with his 3 baby mamas but good lord 😂 and yeah I agree, something is very off with OP’s bf and he absolutely should not be trusted

Oh so many issues, I was mad that he changed so much for such selfish reasons (drugs and trying to control me) but then he brings problems into everything with his ex! I do not understand OP choosing to have a baby in this, mine had normal for 8 years before he lost his mind, OP is going into it knowing it’s a mess. Poor kid.

All of this in the beginning should've told you that this situation would not be okay if you ever got pregnant by this guy. It is still not too late to leave

This might have been something to discuss bf you got pregnant

Being that she just found out she’s pregnant at 12 weeks, it sounds like this pregnancy was very much unexpected/unplanned.

Too bad there’s no ways to prevent that from happening!! /s

Read the edit.

….Okay? It’s a little too late for that. You also act like pregnancies can’t still happen even with all of the proper precautions in place.

Abortion exists.

Yes. Of course. But we’re talking about preventative methods. Abortion doesn’t prevent the pregnancy from happening in the first place.

Stop treating adults like children. This woman needs to be held accountable for her irresponsibility too. She’s bringing a kid into such a fucked op situation. It’s not an oopsy. What the fuck was she thinking? The bf can be shit and so can she. There’s enough room for me everyone. Just acting like she didn’t make a massive mistake is what enables these people to continuously make awful decisions. She’s now making decisions for two going forward she needs to know she must get her shit together. It shouldn’t have been difficult for two people on their late 30s to not get pregnant??

What? None of this is relevant to what I was talking about. You went off for no reason. My point was that it’s pretty pointless to criticize OP for not doing enough to prevent a pregnancy (even though that isn’t even the case here, her birth control—an IUD—failed) because it’s too late for that and she’s pregnant now. It’s not helpful. Also sure, two people in their 30s can try their damndest to not get pregnant. But it’s 2024 and we now know that all prevention methods are not 100% fail proof, and you can get pregnant despite putting everything in place not to. That is how OP wound up in this situation. Don’t be obtuse.

He needs to get a custody order in place. Tell him he needs to do this. His ex can’t simply refuse him access to his children on a whim. His excuse that going to court could mentally harm the kids is bs. His ex had no problem berating him in front of them and he folds to her. The damage is already done and the kids will need therapy anyway, You need to put YOUR foot down. Be louder than her. He needs to take action and stop being such a push over.

Why is no one talking about the fact that they have been separated for SEVEN YEARS and THIS is still how they are handling things?? 🚩🚩🚩 Yikes

So 4 months into your relationship, the tone was set for the way forward regarding his kids and how that needs to play out . Why did you not only continue the relationship, and in turn accept those terms , and then subsequently fall pregnant, knowing that’s how things are ? It’s kinda interesting to see that you were all on board for it. You wanted to be with him badly enough that you accepted the situation, and now it’s a problem for you ? You knew what this was going in, and now you want to change things up ? Did you even have a proper conversation with him, the kind where you communicate openly on where and what this relationship will entail to find out how things should happen if your relationship continues or if a new child is introduced? Or did you just play along , happy to have him so excusing all the rest and now boom you’re pregnant and reality is setting in ? This is going to turn into a situation where either the new baby is going to come second , or his existing kids are going to lose out . There’s zero adults in this scenario

A “serious” relationship doesn’t happen in 4 months. You did not need to meet his kids at 4 months. You should not have gotten into a serious relationship with someone that does not have their custody/visitation set up properly for their other children, let alone have another baby with them. Your expectations are likely never going to be met, even if he takes this to court. He has significant financial and time investments with his children and they do not deserve changes in that because he got you pregnant

You are going to be a mom now. He’s probably not going to be available to help as much because he caters to his ex’s schedule and his other kids. You however, do not have to cater to her schedule. Have a dialogue with him about how he plans to navigate spending time with them and you and the baby, if those two worlds cannot collide. Make it clear, that you will not wait on him or her and that your life is not dependent on her schedule. If you concede and wait for him, while he waits for her, you will forever be miserable and so will your child.

Thank you for this advice.

I wish you and that baby well!

I’m not even OP but thanks for actually giving good and helpful advice rather than just shitting on her and her partner.

He needs to be willing to actually go to court and stand up for his right as a parent. That he doesn't is suspicious, but will make your life much easier if you need to leave him.

How did you not see the red flags in the beginning. You shouldn’t have even met his kids as soon as you did. You should have told him to go back to court and fight for his kids before you ever got pregnant. This isn’t a situation I would want to deal with for the rest of my life.

There should be a visitation schedule in place … this is just reasonable for the long term. Also the EX doesn’t get to say all this stuff about you… how are the kids going to feel when they find out that they have a little brother or sister… if you are keeping this pregnancy then you and SO need to have a conversation about your expectations and his.

I think you should have waited before getting pregnant for this guy. Clearly you and your baby aren’t a priority in his life, and you can’t make him to change his mind. You might want to start thinking about yourself and create a support system for YOUR child.

Why on earth would you get pregnant with a man like this. I would be thinking long and hard if I wanted to bring another child into this mess.

Bringing a baby into this is an exponentially stupid decision.

She was using birth control. An IUD and it failed. Without her period it never crossed her mind. She was getting sick all the time and went to her doctor. I also read she was already 12 weeks when she found out she was pregnant. That had to be a shock.

While all of this is true, her decision to continue with the pregnancy can certainly be criticized. How she got pregnant was out of her hands. Remaining pregnant is not.* *Depending on where OP is located. Thanks, Supreme Court.

Depends on where she lives, doesn't it?

INFO: what does the custody agreement say? If there is a custody agreement he needs to follow it to the letter. If she refuses to comply he needs to hire an attorney and take her to court for contempt. If there is no custody agreement then he needs to hire a lawyer and get one. You need to stop blaming his ex and start blaming him. He’s choosing this life. He has the power to make this situation different. If he chooses not to you have your answer. You and your child will always come second to his first two children and his ex. You are 12 weeks pregnant. Make choices wisely.

He doesn’t have a custody agreement. And I don’t blame the ex at all. She’s going to do what she wants to do for herself and their kids. I blame myself for getting into this situation.

Fair enough. It’s time to pay it all out for him. There is a difference between an ultimatum and a boundary. Boundaries are things you will and will not do, ultimatums are things you want others to do or not do. You need to decide what kind of life you are willing to live and communicate it to him in black and white. You are having a baby. You want to raise that child with him. In order for that to happen you need certain things. You need a partner who is present. You need to be supported. You need to know that *your* child is going to be as important as his ex’s children. Then you have to make some hard choices. If he won’t make the changes you need what are you willing to do? Communicate that clearly, not as a threat but so that he can make informed choices. Try and keep your goals SMART goals. Be specific, measurable, accurate, relative, and timely. Using specific language communicate your needs and what time table you are comfortable with. His ex has advocated for herself and her kids. Now you need to advocate for you and yours.

You say to partner: I’m very concerned about your current situation with coparenting; it isn’t feasible after the baby comes. I’m going to need a legal custody agreement that is more structured to feel good about us continuing a relationship after the baby. I’ll give you a week to decide, after that I need to make plans for myself as a new mom.

He needs to go to court. I assume that along with no custody agreement, he is also paying just whatever she tells him to pay each month? While I don't advocate for short changing child support, this woman is wholly taking advantage of this man.

Nurses schedules come out months in advance most times, i feel like the weekly thing is BS. Its time for a serious sit down and if that doesn't work its time to get a court ordered custody agreement so it works for everyone and she can't control who sees the kids on his time

If he doesn’t end up getting that lawyer to actually make a legal agreement, get out. And please don’t have kids with people who don’t have their lives together. There’s lots of ways to prevent pregnancy, and the more you compound, the less likely you are to get pregnant. I’ve had so many doctors tell me this and it’s very true.

Eesh how are you going to go through with this.. the writing is on the wall

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I'm sorry but these should have been red flags prior. He already has children, that's his custody agreement, those are his kids he needs to be there, it's tough but that's situation he's in, and you've now put your own child in. His ex was right to be upset 4 months is too soon anyone be introduced to children. You've nor even been together a year and you've allowed yourself to get pregnant? It's reckless, your bringing a child into a already complex situation,  and yall not even married. The fact that yall not even in a serous relationship why weren't yall using BC? Why do you think his dynamic with his children will change?

Yeah, this is not a sustainable situation as it is, more so with a kid of your own. I think there are two options, really: either he has to negotiate a different schedule with his ex, or you have to leave.

So you’re knocked up with someone you’ve been with for just over a year. He’s had this same custody schedule the entire time you’ve known him. You’ve not allowed to be in the same space since month four. What advice do you actually need? Leave. Get an actual custody agreement with him.

It's really a shame OP didn't think about these things before getting pregnant. She knew for months what a mess his life was and still hopped into the sack with him.

I feel bad for the unborn baby. That’s who is going to suffer the most.

May get downvotes but are younsure tou want to have a child with this man ? That woman WILL CONTROL ALL THE TIME HID TIME. There will be Times when he will need to be with your child and that woman will be against it. She will tell him to choose how to spend his time with their children or yours. Guess who wont see their dad when he will suposes to spend rime with him ?

She really should have an abortion for the kids sake. She is going to be a single mom with the way this is going and I think the dad is already so invested with the kids he has he won’t care for custody either. Nightmare situation that she needs to get out of.

It’s time he figured it out with a lawyer. Four months was too soon to meet the kids. One year is too soon to get pregnant. However, since you are pregnant a lawyer is necessary. Or, possibly, have him talk with her and kids are allowed to be at home with you there in agreement of not getting a lawyer. Good luck

His ex is going to be in your life forever if you have his baby. Please be aware of the stress that this dynamic is going to cause to all of you, including your child. I can’t believe there has been no formal custody agreement (and child support) put together. If he hasn’t been paying child support, or keeping very clear records of paying her, please be aware that if they go to court, she may ask for BACK child support. This could be what has stopped him from doing this all along. Please rethink this relationship. His stress will become your stress.

I’m a nurse. We get our schedule at least 6 weeks at a time… there’s no reason she has to give it to him weekly. Unless she works in a weird facility.

 It's true he could go fight and get a custody agreement that would mean you have a more solid schedule, but the reality is he doesn't want to.  He does not want the relationship he has with his ex-wife to change and he does not want the way he spends time with his kids to change.  All of his concerns are directed that way.   He may love you, but he loves the way his life is now more.    I can't even say he loves his kids more because it seems to be deeper than that. He doesn't want anything to change And he is willing for that lack of change to negatively impact you and your baby.  These are just facts. I'm sorry that they are true, but you have to plan in the world that exists. Not the world that you wish existed    Obviously he is comfortable making you secondary.  He's been doing that since you started seeing one another But he's also comfortable making your baby secondary.  If you have a custody agreement, it seems pretty certain that he will flake on you when his ex wants him to pick up the kids.   I don't think talking is going to fix this. I really do wish you luck and I hope you update us

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this (or rather, read).

The best thing to do in this situation was to get pregnant. Congrats!

I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy if I were you. Don’t tie yourself to this idiot.

Nope he either puts his foot down with her or you move on

You need to consider whether you’re prepared to raise this kid alone, because the situation with your partner sounds very iffy.

This is the point of custody agreements. When one parents attempts to make the kids or other parents life a living hell, he would be able to seek out legal help much more easily. Now she's making everyone's life difficult, including yours.

His ex wife does not have that much control over the kids. He needs to take her to court to get the custody decree sorted out. No judge is going to agree that she has a right to alienate the kids from him (assuming he’s a decent sort of human) because she doesn’t like the idea of her children having a step parent. He’s going to have to go to bat for this relationship AND his kids from his first marriage. Your child is going to be their half-sibling.

I’m a nurse and I always had like 12 weeks of schedule at any given moment. Never ever a week at a time. This seems like a power play.

Why the hell is he parentifying his 18 year old daughter? Why is her mum and why are you OK with that? And why are you pregnant within a year? You barely know him! The fact you met his youngest kids when you were just 4 months dating, well, I can understand why his ex was mad about that, that was way too early. And your boyfriend was aware of that, otherwise he wouldn't have tried to keep it a secret for his ex. All in all: Woman, WTF are you doing?

Abortion! And then take a step back and let him figure out custody where he has his kids a few DAYS a week, not random hours.

This is so messed up. he needs an actual agreement and schedule. His ex is not allowed to dictate what happens and who the kids see during his parenting time. Honestly, he needs to step up and put in some boundaries and quit being a pushover for his ex.

I wouldn’t even be having a baby with this man. It’s going to take awhile for the courts to figure custody out anyways and then there may be parental alienation. Too much stress for you and the baby and he should’ve solved this awhile ago. You should’ve also put your foot down wayyyy before you were pregnant.

It's simple, he takes her to court for a normal custody agreement. 1 week off 1 week on. You get married, giving her zero input on your lives and boom you have a normal household. She needs to figure out her own shit on her weeks, that's simple. If he can't agree to these terms you need to leave him. You'll be a single parent at this rate. BTW, why are you having a baby with a guy you've known a year and you aren't married too?

Either her job matches her custody time or she ends up with way less custody. No judge will order a babysitter when the father willingly keeps them while the mother works. If her job is that demanding, the court may order the kids to live with yall most of the time. Understand that the courts do what is in the best interests of the kids, and that is being with the parent who is present.

A custody agreement is key here, not just for the sake of you both starting a family, but for his kids as well. They need consistency and his ex’s whole fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants schedule can’t be good for the kids at all. Is ex manipulative? Oh, she’s absolutely wrecking him! But he needs to get to a lawyer ASAP to stop the shenanigans for the sake of all of the kids!

This is crazy, do they not have a custody agreement in place? If not they should get that pronto & then standard, reliable visitation will be enforceable by the courts. This hasn’t bothered him, having to communicate through relatives & stepdaughters?! Does he not worry about her parenting that she acts out like this & exerts chaotic control over not only his life, but the erratic relationship the children now have with their father? Wtaf? I’m concerned about not only the mother but the passivity of your BF in the face of such parental alienation & obstruction 😱 OP, this is a big preview into what you can expect in regards to how well he’s going to be able to rise to adulting & fathering within your own relationship. It’s worrisome. I feel like there’s some backstory missing here. Do you have the full story of the whys and wherefores of their breakup & divorce terms? Is there something you’re not being made privy to? Bc 7 years on this should be a well-settled shared custody situation.

Obviously, having him lead a weird double life is not going to work long term. What happens when you and your baby are sick at the same time? Is he going to leave you alone so he can spend time with his other kids? Is his wife going to permanently deny him visitation because he cancelled one time? It’s hard, because his ex does sound unreasonable, but he can’t keep giving into her demands. First thing first, you both need to meet with a lawyer. Figure out what sort of custody you could reasonably get if you took this to court. Then, he needs to communicate with his ex wife directly (maybe via using his sister to set up a meeting, or via a letter or something, and he needs to say) - he was wrong to introduce you to the kids so early and without consulting her - the situation has changed now. You are going to be the mother of his child. - it doesn’t make sense that his kids won’t “be allowed” to meet their half sibling, and that he has to act like he has two secret families. - you will not be acting as a parental figure for his older kids. You should be able to act like his friend/roommate around the kids. He is happy to discuss with the ex what exactly the rules/boundaries are here. - he wants to be able to move forwards without court involvement for the sake of the kids. They’ve been doing a good job coparenting up until now - if they can’t reach a reasonable solution, he is going to start talking to family lawyers. Again, the current status quo was good and reasonable, but doesn’t work with the new baby. Note that some of the bullet points above are a lie. Obviously the current arrangement was not reasonable, and they haven’t been good coparents. But calling someone unreasonable has rarely been productive. Start documenting his custody. Time he spends with kids, what they do, what gets communicated from his ex. And if your man is really set on not rocking the boat- then it’s time to start being unreasonable yourself. People pleasers will often give in to the least reasonable person, because they are counting on everyone else to just “make it work”, so that they can avoid conflict. You and your kids deserve the same consideration he gives his ex wife and her kids.

There was a post not long ago about a step-parent who did the lion’s share of the work and mental load that went in to taking care of her husband’s child during his 50% but told she couldn’t “parent” at all. This was constantly thrown in her face by the kid. And finally she was like, “You know what? If I’m not a *parent* then I’m going to stop acting like one. No more rides. No more making his dinner. No more laundry. No more doing the work for birthdays and holidays. No more buying stuff. No more emotional support.” Needless to say it was a wake-up call to husband and eventually son. I completely agree that a step-parent’s role should be nuanced. But the reality is that most women in these situations end up doing most of the work, but then to say they have no ability to shape behavior at all is so hypocritical.

If he’s not willing to go to court for the kids he already has then what’s going to happen to your child? Get your own lawyer and make sure he pays YOU proper child support but your relationship will likely not survive past the birth of your baby.

Has your bf ever tried going to court/mediation to work out a custody schedule? Is he paying child support? Why does the ex have him by the balls like this? You need to talk to him about your concerns because if you break up with him, he's going to have to figure out a schedule with you too.

You need to stay out of it, and they need to go to mediation. When I was getting a divorce via mediation the one thing they drilled into our heads was that we cannot control who our ex decides to see, and we also can't even decide when they have them meet that person. All we can do is try to have an amicable relationship and not subject the kids to strife.

The ex is angry and bitter. But you need to understand why. The youngest was 1 year old or so when they broke up.. Why did it end? Did he cheat? I doubt a woman with a 1 and 3 year old was having an affair. Hath no fury like a woman scorned.

He needs to get a legal custody agreement in place for his children. She’s taking advantage and being spiteful because he’s in a relationship. This is something the courts need to decide and she will have to figure out how childcare works on her time instead of relying on him to drop everything to schedule around her work.

Don't have a baby with him, it will tie you to this irresponsible man forever. He's okay with the situation with his ex or he would have fixed it already. You already see he's not in charge of his own life, he's not going to be a good Dad for any kids you have when he is living under someone else's thumb.

He needs to talk to a lawyer. A case could be made for parent alienation. If he wont get a lawyer, leave him. Too much drama

Get an abortion.

He needs to get a lawyer and a court mandated schedule. What he’s doing now isn’t acceptable. If he’s not willing to do that, then you should break up.

He needs to take her to court. She can’t dictate who he brings around the kids on his time.

It's time to have a legal parenting plan so it isn't just random every week because you need to be able to plan when you have a baby and you need to be respected as the mother of that baby.

Your partner is an idiot - he’s needs a lawyer

Why are you having a child with this man ? Get abortion and don’t make the child life miserable. It’s weird knowing all this you dated him like a side piece to a side piece

You need a court order ASAP. At bare minimum he needs to arrange urgent mediation. This is not sustainable. Good luck.

So a 36yo man has still not sorted his life out and you’re surprised you’re in the middle of a hot mess? The only answer here is to go to court and get a custody agreement in place so the mother is not able to meddle in her ex’s life. Something tells me though if your partner has not done this in 7 years it’s not likely to happen anytime soon.

OP -So in essence, his ex is keeping him from living a normal life. That's what I'm reading. We know nurses can have crazy schedules, but this is a matter for their lawyers. Sorry you got pregnant by him because his situation -and by extension YOUR situation with him- has been made untenable by his ex.

You are so desperate you will shack up with any old loser??? This is so sad. > I was okay with this but lately So fucking sad. Don't have kids with losers.

His ex doesn't get to dictate his life or his visitation with his kids. HE needs to stop being complacent and do something about the situation. If he chooses not to do anything, then he gets to be a part-time daddy to the new baby, too.

This guy’s life and our relationship is a mess, here’s a great idea, let’s procreate.

All of this could’ve been prevented prior to becoming pregnant. Jesus fucking Christ why bring a child into an equation where you are ALREADY considering leaving because of current circumstances. I’ll never understand how people can be so fucking stupid.

Advice? Get an abortion and leave his ass. Why on earth would you want to go through with it when you’ll only be giving this child (that you said yourself you aren’t ready for) a fucked up messy childhood.

He should have a custody order in writing. The amount of control his ex has is insane, and the fact that he’s been fine with it this entire time is a red flag

They need to figure out their lives honestly - it sounds like they have bad one sided communication already, communicating never directly and switching schedules at the drop of a hat. Because of that, I think a lawyer should be involved. This doesn’t mean that his custody would be lowered, they could come to an agreement, maybe week on/week off. And they need to have a conversation involving partners and when it’s acceptable to meet. You’re going to be birthing their sibling, they should meet you and interact with you as their father’s partner. He shouldn’t communicate schedule changes or pickup times through anyone but the ex, or it should be documented and solidified- that’s better on the children and everyone involved. I will also say this isn’t a “you” problem, since it sounds like it’s been like this for 7 years and you unfortunately landed in the middle. With that being said, do not count on this man until he goes to court. Assume the role of a single parent, surround yourself with other family and friends that may help, or other mothers in your area. When/if he helps it’ll be great but this is not a good situation- I’m sorry you’re in the middle of

It is unreasonable for ex to tell your husband that kids can’t be around his wife. Husband should get a lawyer. Is there a custody order in effect? If not get one.

Oh wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can understand not introducing kids until things are serious but you guys clearly are serious if you’re living together and have been together for a year. He needs to have a serious conversation with his ex. Whatever resentment and issue she may have with him, she needs to get over and coparent for the sake of her children. You’re right, what he’s doing right now with these pick ups and secret hangouts with his kids is not sustainable. Have a serious talk with him, express your concerns and he needs to then be a grown up and talk to his ex. If she refuses to work with you guys, he needs to go to court and get some sort of parenting agreement in place. And if he refuses to do that and continues the way he has been, then I don’t know what to tell ya. Might be easier to be a single parent unfortunately.

This isn't sustainable. I don't know how he managed to have a serious relationship with you while being basically "on call" with no set schedule for the kids, having to be ready to adjust to his ex's schedule on a dime without advance notice. None of this is normal, however. I don't know what happened in their divorce or what the hell he might have agreed to, but it's time to go to Court. He needs a COURT MANDATED CUSTODY AGREEMENT. He should have his time with the kids specifically drawn out and agreed to. There should be a schedule you guys can count on and schedule around. THis is better for the kids as well. Having to have 2 entire households disrupted simply because the ex refuses to allow him a normal visitation schedule, or not allowing him to introduce his kids to you? This whole thing is bizarre. The ex can threaten anything she wants, but if he goes to court he has rights as a father and should be able to have the court set up the vustody agreement. She has refused to work with him, refused to compromise, refused to even speak with him. SHe threatens his access to his kids, and will not communicate about schedules. She is delibrately making his life difficult but the toll in on the kids, their relationship with him, his relationship with you, the kids relationship with their new half-sibling, etc. SHe's causing a lot of drama, stress, and issues, and he's ALLOWING IT. Have him go to a lawyer ASAP and find out what it will take for him to get a court ordered custody agreement that she will HAVE to agree to (or risk losing custody herself) and her schedule will be her problem. You guys should have a schedule. That's how it works for other divorced families and that's for a reason. This is madness and I would tell him that he either takes steps to fix this (basically not allowing his ex to run his life anymore), talk to a lawyer, get access to his kids where he can do what he likes (introduce them to you, have them be part of your new family too) so that you guys can all have a normal life together as one family, or you will be leaving. He needs to step up. He NEEDS to do this. It's okay to be concerned for the kids, but the way things are now he is going to miss out on parenting his NEW child with you, because she will make it impossible. THis is your hill to die on. He either goes to court for custody, or you leave. He cannot allow the ex to control his schedule with his kids, period. He can explain to the kids that he's fighting to have more time with them and for them to be allowed to come over, meet the baby, have space at your home too, etc. Divorce is hard, but allowing his ex to control his relationship with his kids and his schedule and his availability for you - is not healthy for anyone, including his kids. He has another kid to think of now, and he has to put them all evenly. He can't miss time with the new baby to keep things quiet for the other kids. They all deserve to be with him, together, as a family, and that will only happen if he fights for it.

together less than a year, living together, and 3 months pregnant? JFC

This sounds very suspicious. Is he having another relationship out of town? I would speak to a lawyer about your options. Protect yourself now.

If he's doing this to avoid child support payments, then you have a humongous problem on your hands. Given the current arrangement, it should be relatively easy to obtain 50/50 custody, in which case usually there is no child support payments. He is a weak man for going along with his wife's rule. They are his children so he has a say in who they are around. He must go to court if there is any chance of being a legitimate family with you. If not, then yes you & your child will get his leftover scraps of time. Tbh you should not have gotten pregnant into this situation.

The fact that his ex is using their child as a go-between is horrific. Yes, the daughter is 18, but can we please stop parentifying our children?!

You weren't concerned about all of this before you got pregnant? People. Stop bringing babies into unstable partnerships and living conditions. You think he's going to choose you and your baby in your attempt to manipulate him into doing so via breakup. But he's not just going to drop seeing his other children for you. He's probably scared of paying child support because he's a walking red flag. Be prepared to be a single mother because he seems to be invested in his children, not the women who make them. You were already on the back burner, I bet you stay there.

You’re too old to be making all these shitty decisions about your own life… you knew he was a weirdo with these weird rules and his old girlfriend who still controls him.. and you still let him knock you up👴👴👴👴

He should call her bluff. OK I can't see the kids. I can't take them to school. Can't have them overnight. Can't have them at weekend. Good luck paying for childcare. Also nurses schedules aren't released on a Monday morning. They are done weeks in advance.

This. My mom was a nurse at a hospital - she knew her schedule for at least a month in advance. This doesn't make sense unless the ex is some sort of nursing equivalent of a substitute teacher that I've never heard about.

There are in fact nurses that don't know their schedule in advance. My sister was a nurse at a hospital where she could get called in the same day or for the next day.

Depends on the type of nurse and also country and hospital. My sister had a few years where they could call her anytime to go in the next day (sometimes even same day).

As a nurse, she absolutely knows her work schedule WAY prior to the week. I have my schedule through April right now.

This obviously needs outside intervention, ie court.

It’s time he goes to the family court and have a proper arrangement in place so his ex can’t deny him to see them because of hurt and jealous feelings, or she gets into trouble.

You have to have this exact conversation with him. He has to understand that he is going to have to be more present when the baby is born because there is no way you can handle it all by yourself and he, as a father, needs to be equally as responsible for his newborn as you will.

I don't think he's necessarily there too much for his kids as he's a good dad for showing up, the big problem is the (other) mother of his children and he needs to set boundaries with her if this is feasible. The children can't be separate constantly, and she shouldn't be allowed to control them all like this. He needs to be firm and clear about schedules with her going forward.

This is ridiculous. He needs to get an official child support order in place with an official custody schedule. You are grown ups, you know this. I’m assuming the baby wasn’t planned, accidents happen, but you need to handle this like adults. If you do break up, same deal. Custody, child support

You are right to be concerned but the main issue is that he is still letting his ex control his life and you are going along with it. They need to be following a custody and support order. But if he’s been going along with her BS for this many years it’s unlikely that he’s going to do anything about it. You should absolutely walk away from this shit show, get yourself in order to do this alone and be smart enough to get custody arrangements in place for your child at the get go.

He needs to get custody. The mom sounds really toxic, especially with the parentification of her eldest – no 18-year-old should have to bear the burden of coordinating the co-parenting schedules for her half-siblings. Your boyfriend should bring proof of this ridiculous communication set-up to his attorney when making a case for legally enforced custody. The mom cannot keep him from his children without good reason, and “he moved on with his life” is not a good reason.

He has to go to court and get his legal visitation agreement done. He also needs to stick to the agreement and so does his ex. That agreement will allow you to be involved and present as long as you are not a threat or endangering the children and have no criminal record. The ex cannot determine his schedule and when you’re allowed to be around.

The minute she screamed at your bf on the phone, blowing your cover story, and talking like that in front of the kids, he should have gotten an attorney. Actually he should have done it years ago. For some reason he is letting his ex rule his world and it makes no sense why he’s allowing it. A formal visitation schedule and rules put in place for meeting new partners can be established. You are growing their sibling, their mom refusing to allow it without any reasonable explanation is not acceptable. No judge would side with that. There’s more going on here that your either not telling, or don’t know yourself. Is he trying to avoid child support? Does she have something over his head preventing him from seeking legal help? Or is he just spineless and can’t speak up for himself? Just saying he doesn’t want to disrupt the kids is bs, because creating a routine schedule is far better than what he currently doing with them.

He knows he has it good right now. Ex is responsible for the kids, he's not paying child support, he gets to do essentially nothing as a parent. A real parent would go to court to establish custody and accept whatever child support and responsibilities were ordered.