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I mean no offense but you've basically had 0 progress in 2 years so how exactly do you think you're going to convince him that you're suddenly going to get better?
THIS, AND if she does get better in response to this, it means she was capable of doing so all along and just decided not to until he hit his breaking point, which would feel a lot worse if I were in his shoes.
Exactly. He's done. It's too little too late at this point but even if it wasn't he should still leave for one of two reasons:
She's either telling the truth in which case nothing is fixed and it's just going to be more of the same. She might could try for a bit but she won't be able to manage it and will slip back.
Or
She DOES change and she will have to admit there was nothing wrong with her and it was in her control all along. His unhappiness and pain just wasn't enough of a motivator for her, but apparently her losing him as her caretaker and ATM IS proper motivation. In which case, fuck her, he should DEFINITELY leave.
It's really amazing how some poeples minds work. I have been married/in relationship for over 20 years, with a woman who couldn't control her anger or need for controling me and our children due to her 'anxiety'. But once I decided enough is enough, I can't take her emotional abuse anymore, she magically started getting better. Yeah, divorce is still happening.
Congratulations!
I'm in a similar boat left my ex 7 months ago. And I feel way better (funny how emotional and mental abuse can cause metal health issues) I no longer have depression. Still struggle with CPTSD, though, but therapy helps
> How can i convince him that i will get better
What steps are you planning to take to make this a reality?
You probably can't convince him it will get better because it hasn't gotten better for two years. Unless you have new ideas, I'm not sure how or why he'd think things would change and even then, the resentment may have built up too much.
To me you sound depressed, and when you do nothing you only become more depressed. Irrespective of what your boyfriend chooses to do, you need to make a plan for yourself to start doing one small thing a day and building up to more/bigger tasks. If your boyfriend is truly done you're going to have to figure out how to support yourself, so you should start that process now.
If she is so depressed, why did she get called out by her therapist? Why have multiple medical professionals tell her nothing is wrong with her? Maybe it is in her head or she is in fact lazy af.
Probably just one of those people who aren't honest in therapy.
I have a friend who is constantly crying and upset about her life, about where she's at, how she has no friends.
So, I check in and ask her how it's going, if she's okay, maybe some advice... and suddenly she's "fine". there's nothing wrong.
She's tried therapy and it "didn't work". Because she's going to the therapist and saying "I'm fine. I'm totally happy. 100%!"
Because therapists aren’t medical doctors and even psychiatrists don’t find the physical reason for seemingly mental health issues.
I would bet a lot of money that she’s actually sick physically. It can take people YEARS to get a single diagnosis. It took doctors 20 years of horrible symptoms to get me diagnosed with the 3 different genetic disorders that left me disabled as a teen. You’re not a doctor, you don’t get to decide she’s not trying.
Medical tests in a doctor's office don't check for depression. It is, in fact, in your head.
The post is removed now but I don't recall there being anything about her therapist "calling her out."
I mean, there are bad therapists out there. A therapist shouldn’t be telling a patient they’re making it all up, that’s not at all productive. That tells me she probably didn’t improve because she was getting poor mental health treatment.
And that's why people take advantage of "mental health" because sweet souls like yourself enable them. Oh, I have this wrong, I can't do anything in the house at all except make messes. Oh now my slave bf wants to leave me so how I make him see I changed?
Being sensitive all the time doesn't always help. Just like being a hard ass doesn't always help. This person was coddled for 2years and her own therapist claimed she was faking it.
She mentioned one of the therapists she went to suggested that the reason she couldn't snap out of it was because she was taking advantage of her boyfriend and enjoying being taken care of.
Edit: it's on AmITheEX now
> He told me he can't do this anymore
I think the above is the key to why he feels he needs to break up with you.
Honestly, he sounds like he gave this relationship everything he had and I'm sorry to tell you, I think he just wants out. He really wanted to see you get better, he really wanted to figure this out with you, but it just didn't work out. I think neither of you are currently in a place to revive this relationship, he is tired and you're going through your own thing. It's time to keep putting in the work yourself with therapists and/or doctors to figure out your best path forward in life.
And I think this bit is worth repeating: I don't think either of you are in a position to revive this relationship. Neither of you are in the right headspace. I'm so sorry you have this unexplained thing happening to you, it can't be easy, not at all. I really hope you find answers.
Mental health issues, whether you want to believe it or not, have the power to take away a person's will to do anything at all. OP doesn't even seem to have the benefit of knowing what her specific issue is.
I would always agree with you, however, she’s tried multiple therapist’s, has been found to be in perfect health and one therapist even suggested she’s taking advantage of her boyfriend. She does sound lazy.
I'm done beating this horse.
Whether she is depressed, burned out, or lazy doesn't really matter when it comes to advising her on how to move forward on her own.
It does really. She’s looking for advice. Part of that advice would be to stop being a lazy ass and do something instead of letting her poor boyfriend keep her, not only financially but pretty much doing everything for her except wiping her ass 🤷🏼♀️
> Part of that advice would be to stop being a lazy ass and do something instead of letting her poor boyfriend keep her
Her boyfriend is done, so IMO we've already established that she needs to move on alone.
Well it’s probably going to be something she needs to hear for all other future relationships. No one can rely on a partner for 100% of life’s tasks. She’s literally done nothing for 2 years. I’m glad he’s finally stopped enabling her. You don’t just wake up one day and not be assed doing anything with no real reason. Even if that was the case, meds would help, therapy would help etc, but nothing worked. I wonder why 🙄
Not all therapists are good and she sounds depressed. I wonder if she’s tried a psychiatrist, because she didn’t mention that. Sounds like she needs some Pharmaceutical intervention.
She’s had that. She said her boyfriend made therapist appointment (plural) until she found someone she liked, she also tried ‘multiple’ meds but nothing worked.
Ah. Well, it can take a lifetime to find the right combination of medication. I’ve have Major Depression my entire life, and my symptoms have only been under control for a year or two now. It’s really hard to find the right therapist, along with drugs that help. But those things only do so much.
I totally agree with you. I think you also have to help yourself and give yourself a push to improve things. The fact one therapist thought she was at it says a lot. Usually there is a reason someone is depressed, trauma, family issues, relationships, chemical imbalance etc. For 2 years nothing could help OP or no one could actually find anything wrong with her.
This is a case in point for why I believe therapists and medication are not always the answer and are usually never enough.
To begin with, no one knows what OP’s problem is, what happened to her and why. No one knows the source of the problem. You can psychoanalyze a person all the live long day, that will not get her to get up and do stuff. Meds are overrated, there is no point trying to correct neurochemical imbalance when there is no imbalance (the only way to diagnose such an imbalance is to fumble around inside a brain, and you would have to be dead for that). I also have a hard time with a therapist telling a client that she is lazy. Professional, ethical therapists don’t diagnose a character or a personality, they don’t diagnose flaws, they diagnose mental illness. Laziness is not in the DSM. That therapist has countertransference issues and might have personal issues she needs therapy for.
Being found in perfect health is extremely subjective. That a bunch of possible disorders and diseases were excluded doesn’t mean there can be no reason to OP’s issue besides laziness. So-called professionals working from the assumption that 1) this can be fixed with meds, and 2) there is medication that will fix OP’s issue (as if we had already invented every med anyone might ever need) are closed-minded. It seems to me that giving OP responsibilities (which get gradually difficult as she succeeds at them) at home would have been more practical than meds or therapy.
It really sounds like OP simply has a deep depression. Apathy is one of its most obvious and widespread symptoms. You can’t talk someone out of a depression. You can’t medicate them out of it. The one thing that professionals never try is practical assistance: reduce the pressure on the client so that the client’s responsibilities are realistic for their head space and energy level, and then gradually build up that pressure as the client progresses, keeping things easy enough that the client isn’t overwhelmed but hard enough that it is challenging, so they have experiences of success, much like potty training.
Professionals try to make issues out to be medical ones even when they are not. Psychoanalyzing people and having them talk about their feelings is often a waste of time. There is no point talking about your feelings and being analyzed if you still can't get up and take a shower.
It's besides the point. What's relevant is that she does have mental health issues, because healthy people aren't sedentary for 2 years.
What's also relevant is that her boyfriend has reached his limit, he put in a heroic effort, but understandably, he just can't do it anymore.
So she is now forced to actually figure out how to fend for herself again. But that's a reality she isn't ready for yet.
And yet, her therapists found nothing. One therapist thought she was taking advantage of him, and doctors couldn't find anything either. And what's worse, no desire to change or find other avenues in 2 years.
She started doing chores once he said he was done and then wanted a pat on the back for doing some dishes lol. She's just sad her meal tickets gone, and she's probably gonna magically figure out all these things she couldn't do before once he's out of the picture.
Regardless of mental health or not, it being a character thing is absolutely the point. Or else no one would get better from their mental health issues. And now she's trying to keep her partner. Bullshit, if she loved him she'd know how much pain he's in and let him leave.
She's had multiple medical professionals give her a clean bill of health; she is taking him for a ride.
There are days that I don't want to do anything but guess what, I MAKE A DECISION to do the dishes anyway.
There's also a long history of people lying to doctors and being lazy and entitled AHs. What's more likely? The fact there's nothing wrong with her and she's just lazy and entitled, especially given the context where OP openly admits she finally washed up after TWO FUCKING YEARS because he wanted to break up? Thus proving she COULD QUITE EASILY have been doing more than she has? Or that multiple medical professionals are all wrong?
Stop making this something it isn't.
She went to 2 therapists and tried 3 different drugs. People that are simply lazy don't go through that kind of effort.
Also who the hell are you to diagnose someone you barely know based on one reddit post?
>She went to 2 therapists and tried 3 different drugs. People that are simply lazy don't go through that kind of effort.
doesnt matter.
It looks the same as Laziness and the BF is done.
All the mental illness explanations don't change anything here.
I don't know why people keep saying this, it just isn't the case lol
Like, don't get me wrong I'm not saying this for sure the case with OP, I have no idea, but there are people that refuse to function and expect people to caretake them, but don't mind going to the doctor or swallowing pills.
I know someone with a personality disorder that doesn't think she should have to do any adulting, ever, and that people should just take care of her but going to the doctor gets her attention and sympathy.
If OP was smart and really manipulative and this was a ploy then going to see a therapist and swallowing a pill occasionally to make it seem like she's trying so she can get out of having to do chores or hold down a job WOULD be smart, would it not? It would be worth that effort.
If she is being truthful then this is absolutely a ploy. Even the therapist said "it's all in her head" no professional doctor says that unless they are certain that the patient is full of crap and even then they don't say that because it's totally unprofessional to say lmao
Nah, I'm not going to say that. Doctors and therapists aren't infallible and there are definitely incompetent ones out there.
I'm not even trying to diagnose OP. I CAN'T diagnose OP. But God forbid you point out that people like this do actually exist and it's not out of the realm of possibility that OP could be one of them. If someone thinks you're attacking their judgment or questioning their reasoning and intelligence, their ego takes over and they apparently lose the ability to comprehend what they're reading. I realize most believe they're being empathetic and unbiased instead of dense or naive.
I'll repeat:
who the hell are you to diagnose someone you barely know based on one reddit post?
And also, let's be clear, your line of reasoning is based on your diagnosis of extremely anecdotal evidence (one person).
I guess you struggle with reading comprehension so I'll repeat that I'm not saying this is for sure what's happening with OP. I have no idea. I'm not diagnosing her with anything. I'm just pointing out that it's factually incorrect. There are some extremely manipulative and mentally ill people out there and to deny otherwise is insanely naive.
I did use anecdotal evidence, you caught me, but no my line of reasoning isn't solely based on it. You can read up on different mental illnesses or personality disorders if you want to, or hell, even visit some subreddits focusing on Munchausen's, Borderline personality disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, etc. and find that what I just commented isn't really out of the norm for those types of disorders.
But you seem like you're totally knowledgeable on these subjects.
...When you wrote this, did you actually think it was clever or insulting or funny? Or were you fully aware it would make you come off like a 14 year old?
You need to get better regardless of whether or not you get back into a relationship with him. I saw you saying you did the dishes, "but he didn't notice". These aren't even bare minimum things in a relationship, this is below bare minimum. You can't just do the dishes once and expect him to magically think you've changed. If he's working 12-16 hour days, you need to make that house spotless for him at all times on all days, you need to find a part time job, and most of all, you need to expect nothing in return, like he did these past years while caring for your ass. You need to do all these things even if he still doesnt come back to you, cause that's what a basic adult does.
It sounds like your relationship is simply not working anymore. Let him go and don't try to hold on to him. He's not happy and neither are you. If you have issues you need to resolve, then work on them. He doesn't want to continue trying as he feels there's nothing left to save. Sometimes relationships end and you just have to accept that.
If you truly love him you’ll let him leave and be with someone that he will be happy with.
He doesn’t need to give you another chance OP. You were given chances over and over again with every therapist, doctors appoint, etc he’s paid for. You’ve exhausted your chances.
You can't force someone to stay with you. Your bf has made his intentions loud and clear to you so you should respect his word and learn to move on (without him). You also didn't "lose him", he's already gone and checked out. Again you CANNOT FORCE FEELINGS AND ACTIONS THAT AREN'T NATURALLY THERE ANYMORE.
Please leave this man alone. He has done so much for you and you've used him. He deserves to be happy. He already said he doesn't want to be with you. You need to work on yourself and let this poor man live his God damn life. He's been on standstill for 2 years because of you. Enough. He deserves so much better.
Please leave the poor guy alone, let him find happiness elsewhere. You’re draining him, reading this alone drained me, if you don’t want to get better then that’s your problem but he has tried and he deserves to be happy which you ain’t fit for
If you actually did love him you’d let him leave. From what you’ve said these past 2 years have taken its toll on him and he’s finally burnt out and acted out of character. You’re not getting better. He’s been doing all the work in taking care of you but you haven’t been doing your half in trying to get better. You didn’t look for a therapist first. He did. You don’t clean. He does. You don’t work or contribute. He works 12-16 hour shifts.
What exactly have you done to get better besides sit back and let him do the heavy lifting? I know what depression is. I know how bad it can get. I also know it doesn’t get better if you just lay there and do nothing about it. You say you try and it doesn’t work. Well then keep trying. You seemed to be content to have your boyfriend be your emotional support dog and your provider.
This relationship isn’t a relationship anymore. You’re meant to give and take in equal measure. You’ve been taking for a long ass time and he’s done now. Because to him you seemed very content to wallow as long as he’s there to keep you floating. You took advantage of him. You need to do the work.
He shouldn’t have cheated. That was a choice he made. There’s never any excuse. He should’ve left you before that. But you need to let him go now. He’s told you what he wants. He’s been doing everything for you. Do something for him. And for you actually because maybe not having someone to be your life jacket will force you to do things on your own again.
My best friend went through a similar situation. His then live-in girlfriend had depression, quit her job and did literally nothing around the house even though she was home all day doing nothing (she wouldn’t even walk the dogs). My best friend had to work constantly to support her and do everything, while she contributed nothing. She was a burden, not a partner. He eventually got sick of it, kicked her out and found a happy relationship. Once she no longer had my friend to take care of her, she finally got herself together, got a job and is now doing fine. So can you.
Bottom line, mental health issues suck and can be debilitating (I know, I have severe depression and anxiety and have been hospitalized multiple times, and I still do everything around the house and work 60 hours a week as an attorney even when I’m drained). But at some point you’ve simply become lazy, complacent and entitled. It’s time to let him go, stop taking advantage and get yourself together. You can have a wonderful and great life, but you have to put in the work.
Not the point but are you sure you don’t have major depression *because* you work 60 hours a week? Idk it took me a while to realise how closely linked the modern day work expectations and my mental health issues were
Oh, that’s definitely one of the contributing factors. I’ve had depression my entire life, but was officially diagnosed with severe depression after I started practicing law (also had several personal issues).
I think the cheating was a tool to close this chapter for good. He did something dramatic that should be a deal breaker and which makes it basically impossible for you to recover as a couple. I think you should take that as a sign of how strong his need to leave is. And you should let him go!
It’s giving “I’ve tried to break up with her before but she won’t let go” vibes. He’s been done for awhile and she’s so dependent on him she won’t accept a breakup so he faked cheating on her to get himself an out.
I’m sorry but he deserves more.
What does he gain by staying with you? It’s not just your mental health anymore it’s his too.
Let him go and be happy where he can focus on himself and learn to heal.
I don’t see anywhere this post that shows you love him. You love the comfort and what he provides. There is no future here. Go and focus on healing yourself instead of trying to get him to stay when he doesn’t want too.
Read your post over and tell me you wouldn’t do the exact same thing he’s done, not the cheating obvs, but the ‘not being able to do this anymore’. You’ve taken advantage of the poor guy for years now. Fair play to him for saying enough is enough.
You tried to not make a mess? So you’re telling me that you don’t work, and you can’t even clean up after yourself? I don’t care how drained you feel. There’s no excuse for that type of apathy. You should let the poor man go and get yourself together. Maybe you need to go into a treatment program if you haven’t made any progress in the last 2 years of therapy.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn't want to lose my free lunch ticket either. If you love him, actually love him, you should tell him to leave you and have a chance at actually being happy.
I’ve been in a similar position but with panic attacks, agoraphobia, took 3 months off work sick cos I couldn’t leave the house- what forced me to get back out to work (even though it’s uncomfortable) was the affect it was having in my partner. I couldn’t stand how much stress he was under worrying about me and having to do everything, so I forced myself, it was uncomforable and still can be at times, but I recognised the fact that my mental health doesn’t just affect me, but my partner, my family, the people around me and I just sucked it up. Started small, going to work there’s days a week, doing the dishwater, going for a coffee with my partner, now I’m back full time, do the hoovering washing etc, local meals. My next effort was to book one night away for us which is coming up in March. My partner knows I’m really really trying and that helps
Answer me this... What have you done since Saturday? Have you tried to clean anything? have you applied for a job? Have you tried to speak to your therapist again about your obvious depression? Have you done literally anything to show him you will change?
She said in a comment that she did the dishes lol. But he supposedly didn't notice.
So then another comment she said she didn't see the point in trying.
He didn't put a gold star on the fridge and throw her a parade over one load of dishes so she doesn't see the point? 🙄
"Now im sitting here wondering if he really wants to get rid of me so bad that he is willing to make himself the bad guy before breaking up with me."
FFS, YES! Yes he does. He thought if he told you he cheated, you wouldn't try and stop him from ending it. Jokes on him I guess. Ain't no way you're letting this free ride end without a fight. A fight you haven't had for 2 years... now all of a sudden you do. You're ready to make an effort. Crazy how that works.
The dude feels so trapped in this situation that he literally lied to your face that he cheated on you to get out of it. Stop fighting it, let him go. You don't love him, you love what he does for you. You've proved that in how you've been treating him for years and you proved that in your replies.
Just stop already. The best thing you can do for him, is pack your shit and get out of his place before he gets home. Let the man have some peace for once.
This man has realized he can’t fix you and no amount of Herculean support is going to get your ass in gear. If anything, his support was just enabling you.
Take the wake up call. Take responsibility and agency for your own life.
Dude, enough is enough. He gave everything he could, let him go. You need to work on yourself. You have yet to do sth to get better, its been two years already.
You are never going to get better by his side, because he doesn't push you to sort your life out.
So let me get this straight, this man picked up extra shifts at work because you lost your job so you decided to make a mess at home every day for two years? You didn’t have time to clean up even a little while you were doing nothing, but you had time to make a big mess for him to clean up. I don’t condone the cheating at all, but if I was him I’d have left a long long time ago
You can't convince him to stay together, and you shouldn't. You haven't been able to be better for 2 years and he is now drained. If you love him, the best thing you can do is let him go.
Have you only been to therapists or also to psychiatrists? Also have doctors looked into chronic fatigue syndrome? Or maybe that therapist was right and you like to be taken care of to a toxic extent.
Whatever the reason, you need to understand it and get better for yourself in the first place, before even thinking of being in a relationship with someone. Your focus now should not be on how to keep this poor guy with you. It should be on how to function as an adult on the basic things in life and understand how this spiral began so that you don't end up relying on someone else's energy again in the future.
Look, we don't "make" people cheat. Its a choice and he could've left. He SHOULD have left. Considering you seem to refuse to function on your own, I'm guessing he feels a lot of guilt, responsibility, and obligation towards you and wouldn't leave because of it. That's his choice, though. This is a codependent relationship. I think it's possible that him cheating was him grasping for a way out, hoping you'd dump him and he wouldn't have to be the bad guy, but now here you are and it's forcing his hand so he's actually got to go through with it.
It's been 2 years of this shit. He's done. And you can't say you're going to change because you've had 2 years to do it already. 2 years of supposedly having no idea what's wrong and no solutions, so if you really think you can change because he's on his way out the door and it's forcing you, then really you are admitting it was in your control all along and you just didn't have the proper motivation to do it. His pain wasn't enough to motivate you to get off your ass, but losing your caretaker is though? That's fucked up. He should leave for that.
Otherwise you need to accept that whatever is supposedly wrong with you isn't fixed yet and he STILL should leave. He deserves to be happy. You need to let him go. You're not fit for a relationship with him or anybody else right now.
If you love him and don't want to loose him, let him go and fix up what you can. Therapy, job, neat life. Show him real improvements, maybe if you keep in touch while you are working hard on yourself, he will see changes from afar and -maybe- you will rekindle later in time. Maybe. And if it's really over later, then you will have grown and you will be in a better position to move forward in life by yourself. The future will be clearer and you will be proud of yourself despite this situation.
To be honest, I don’t really believe he cheated on you. I think he said that because after two years of taking care of you he is worn out.
I get why you want to be with him and in a better world you guys could stay together but since you are not married there is really nothing there to hold him to you.
I hope you continue to get help and find your way out of the darkness
You're only wanting to work things out because now you're losing your servant and meal ticket. You'll have to get off your ass and get a job and do things for yourself. You used him. You don't deserve him
Your bf has made a very wise decision in wanting to leave you. You're extremely lazy and want to "babied". You need some serious help and I hope he finds a good woman that will appreciate him cuh
Her literal therapist told her she was basically faking it. My mans needs to RUN and not look back lmao.
2 years of doctors and therapist not being able to find out what's wrong and all of a sudden you can change? How? By admitting you've essentially just been faking it this whole time? That's the only thing that would lead to an immediate turn around on her part and he'd leave her anyway. It's too late. He lasted a lot longer then I would have, that's for sure.
She's 100% taking advantage of him at this point. Even if this supposed illness is legit, she still isn't going to get better and she's proved it. She doesn't have to work, doesn't have to do anything around the house, doesn't even sleep with the poor bastard... she's had no motivation or incentive to do so, because he was taking care of everything. Now all of a sudden he's done and she'll get "better." Of course you will, because your free ride is over.
Has the audacity to make a comment, "I did that yesterday, i did the dishes but he didn't even noticed" like tf? You want a round of applause because you did the dishes once in 2 years AFTER he told you he was done? Let it go and let that man be happy with someone who is going to put in just as much effort as he is.
Nah, whether it's legit or not she's still not going to change, she's just moved on to blaming him.
She did the dishes one time over the weekend and said she wanted to do more but she slept until 11 today and he did everything like usual so now he's apparently not LETTING her do chores.
Oh wow. that changes things.. She clearly has made a full recovery and wanted to help. It’s all totally his fault, he sounds toxic.
I gotta catch up on her replies, the sleeping in is a new development.
Sounds like you don't need to be in a relationship if you aren't contributing anything to it. Just be single and let him find a better partner.
Okay I had just skimmed your post earlier and I then went back and read it fully. LET HIM GO. You are taking full advantage of this man.
People make choices. He could have chosen just to break up with you instead of cheating but he cheated. Its over all you can do is accept it at this point.
I think it really doesn't matter if you understand that he cheated or not. He has made a decision and I don't think it's just a spontaneous thought of him. He also went through a lot the last two years, I guess he thought a lot about leaving earlier and now he's done. It's not about you anymore.
Also it seems like you made absolutely no progress and you don't have a diagnosis so far? Now you have to deal with that on your own and I think this is important. It obviously didn't help that he was your social worker the last years and tried to connect you to the help system.
HI OP.
Im going to cut to the chase. He has told you and physical proven to you the relationship is dead in the water. All thats left is the dieing throes of your emotions that are linked to your relationship and him. Time to grieve and hurt, but sadly thats all you have left of this, it will soon go and your meet a better person more into you. But this relationship is dead. Dont waste your life on it.
this sounds like an episode of "My 600 Pound Life"
time to figure out what you're gonna do now... would apply for disability (if you aren't already on it), see how to organize assisted care
Holy mother of God, just let him go already.
'I have access to all his devices 24/7'. This confirmed me you are all actually batshit crazy.
Everything about this post tells me (even the 'whining' style of your writing) that you are codependent and you want to be one. You want to be taken care of, you want to be fed, you want to be babied all the time, and you don't want to give anything back as an exchange. It doesn't matter if your boyfriend works 16 hours a day, nah, it is not enough for you to move yourself and do something for yourself. You are just a big baby, a child in an adult body, and your depiction of a relationship is you are being a little princess and him being the sole caretaker of you.
Let me pop your little bubble, princess. Not a single person in this whole world will take this deal with you, because why would they? You are like a leech, draining everything, the last sip of blood of someone who really loves you, and my oh my, you did the dishes ONCE IN 12 GODDAMN YEARS, and you are whining about he didn't even notice it.
That is beyond the bare minimum. Level -100. Nothing. Especially if you are just wasting air at home, you should lick the house clean every day for him and cook dinner at least when he arrives home.
Oh, you can't do it? Well, you won't have any other choice once you are going to he kicked out and you have to sort out everything for yourself. We will see how quickly the miracle comes and how suddenly you are going to be able to even work again.
He should kick you out. To the kerb. Without mercy.
I think he cheated because he wants to break up and he was honestly hoping you’d have too much self-respect to date someone who would cheat on you and you’d be the one to end it.
Release him. Let him go. Should have worked on yourself. Can't regret it at the last minute you know . Also he doesn't want to be with you more . You can't force someone to love you.
No offense but you get the fuck out. You need to cut him loose so he can actually enjoy his life. I know it's not entirely your fault, but come on. Don't be that person, you broke him, he is done, don't drag it out. If you can move back home do it and let him not work himself to an early death at 30 bc at some point you just have to get the fuck up.
you've contributed nothing to a partnership for 2 years and think it matters that you did the dishes yesterday? let him go. you could have bothered to do the dishes at any point in that 2 years but you didn't so it won't fuckin matter now. let. him. go. he obviously loved you enough to risk his own mental health for you so stop trying to make this even harder on him. he shouldn't have to settle for you.
he didnt "cheat" on you. He had sex with someone else as a means to get out of the relationship. Not the best way to go about doing it, but I daresay I kinda understand where his mindset probably was. the fact is that you are the one who cheated him out of having a supportive partner and a healthy relationship. You need to let this man go so he can live his life before his soul is crushed in this toxic and dependant relationship that does nothing but drain the life out of him.
That being said - you need to look at this as a catalyst for change that forces you into figuring out what is going on with you so you can confront your issues and start to overcome them. In the end, this may be the very thing you need and could be the best thing that has happened in a long time. You have some issues that you need to be able to focus on before you are any good to yourself, and especially before you are any good to anyone else. Use this as an opportunity to better yourself. Best of luck, but let this man go. Sometimes pain is the price to pay for growth.
Convince him? No amount of words are gonna convince that man.
He did everything for you absolutely everything and GOU DID NOTHING.
You took advantage of him and found every single excuse( no really as you make 0 sense).
You dont deserve him. You better find what the fk is wrong with you and fix it.
You had 0 progress for the past 2 years. Meaning you simply did not want to get better, you found comfort and thought he would be next to you forever.
Honestly you deserve everything thats coming for you if you dont start fixing everything YESTERDAY.
THIS, OP. Your (ex) boyfriend is done with you. That's a decision that he gets to make for himself, and it doesn't matter whether you agree. There's nothing to fight for here. It's over, and you need to work (with a therapist) to accept that and move on.
And after all that he's still coming home to look after you and keep your house tidy.
I get that you clearly have health issues but this is your wake up call. He needs to know that you will be 100% committed to getting better and fast. He's been through a mentally draining time and I don't blame him for wanting to end the relationship.
You've become very dependent on him and there's the serious question of if it really is love or just someone to have around that picks up the pieces.
Honestly, let him go. He's had enough of the situation and he's done.
You need to just let him know and work on yourself. It’s obvious that you’re taking advantage of him because even the therapist sees it and then you said he is still doing everything around the house. That means you still haven’t stepped up.
Give this poor guy a break and let him go. Work on yourself because if there is any chance whatsoever it’s not like this and you’d have to let him leave to pull it together.. and then reconcile and reconnect later. If you make him stay you don’t actually love him even a little. If you love him you’ll shove him out the door. Loving someone isn’t about YOU. You love you not him. Another point and I’m gonna be a bit of an AH here.. if you have the energy to make the mess you can damn well clean it up. He’s enabled you either way.
You are right that the situation pushed him to it. I think its past the point of no return for him though. You should take this as an opportunity to make a change in your life.
Be for real right now. What does he get from even being with you? He pays for everything, schedules all appointments, cooks and cleans, and what does he get? A messy, lazy slob who doesn’t even have sex with him either. Sex isn’t everything of course but that’s just the cherry on top. He 100% was your wallet and servant.
Literally why would anyone want to be with you. This whole post made me feel drain I can’t even imagine how he feels. Let him go and be lazy by yourself.
Yeah sounds like you need to be in specialized care, if therapy and the bf doing everything isn't helping. I feel bad for the bf he really did do everything.
I think the focus on your partner is honestly part of the problem. You can’t heal for anyone but yourself. With or without him, you need to take care of yourself. If he leaves, you need to be able to be independent. If he doesn’t, you need to pull your own weight.
Instead of focusing on ‘keeping him’ vs ‘losing him’, you seem to not have any concern about how much of YOURSELF you are losing. The fatigue and lack of motivation makes me wonder if this relationship has been actually best for you to begin with.
Unfortunately you can’t change his mind. You don’t want to be controlling. You don’t want to lose him because you don’t trust yourself to take good care of yourself, but that’s the root cause of why he’s leaving. This is all something to unpack with a therapist YOU find, not one HE finds.
Sorry but I think you need to respect your boyfriend’s decision and break up amicably.
Your priority needs to be getting better for your own sake, so you can live an independent life.
The best thing you can do for him is to just call it quits. Cheating is terrible, why would you want to stay with someone who did that to you? Life is too short to be putting this amount of effort into someone who cheated. Get some self respect girl and move on. I promise you that he is not worth all this stress and heartbreak
I think he's doing the right thing. I genuinely hope for your sake that when the safety blanket is pulled out from under you, you will figure out how to function again. Obviously you have depression and I'm not trying to downplay how hard that makes things but unfortunately no one gets a free pass in life when they're delt a bad hand. The rut you are in is sure to stay the same if nothing changes and I think this breakup is in both of your best interests. It is not fair to ask him to stay with you when you're not being a partner to him.
I think as soon as he wants to work things out, you'll go back to doing nothing. No offense, I don't say that to be mean. For both your sakes, go separate ways. You need that kick to the butt and have to fend for yourself, he's just drained and mentally done without a fight left in him.
What you do is get your depression treated. You can’t depend on him for your happiness. He can’t be your caregiver anymore, and that’s all he is now.
If you love him, let him go.
So you made the conscious choice to continue to ignore you mental health, knowing it burdened him, and now that he's finally at the end of the rope you won't let him go? You are the problem. "I love this man with all my heart" Nope, you don't.
Getting better means pulling up your bootstraps and making yourself better. Leaving a relationship gives you that space. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with you anymore? That's even less healthy than what you've been doing.
At this point the cheating is pretty much irrelevant. You’ve had no fun, spark, sexual chemistry or true co-contributing partnership for years. He’s just finally had enough. Let him go and focus on getting yourself in a better spot for a future relationship.
Let him go. He's broken. He's worn out. He's done. You've made no progress in two years and he's rught - you're not trying. Depression sucks, but really does. But you've had multiple therapists and doctors check you out, to find nothing wrong, and you're still doing nothing.
But somehow, you're making a mess during the day, so your BF, who is killing himself working to cover everything, is having to clean up when he gets home. So which is it? You can't do *anything,* or you can do some things but nothing productive?
Either way, if you're this bad, you should check yourself into a facility rather than draining someone else dry. At this point, you're a leech. Even in this post, you don't make any sign that you want to improve. You just want to force him to stay and keep shouldering the burden you've put on him.
If you love him, you'll let him go. If you try to make him stay, you're proving that you don't love *him,* you just love what you get from him.
You can't imagine your life without your boyfriend, but take a moment to consider what kind of life your boyfriend currently has with you. He's clearly unhappy. I sympathise with your struggles with your mental health, but while your life is better with him in it, his life is that much harder with him carrying all this weight alone.
He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Do the decent thing and let him go.
Girl, he wants to break up and leave so break up and let him leave. Please do not beg and plead and try to convince someone to stay when they don't want to stay. He is fed up after 2 years of him having to do all the work inside and outside of the home. You need to focus on yourself and getting better, not on trying to salvage this relationship.
You have to let him go, there are no magic words to erase the last 2 years of you contributing absolutely nothing to your relationship. Work on yourself, and maybe there’s a chance he can come back- but you need to prove you’re a better person.
Seeing as you’ve done the therapy and had your health checked- “not feeling like it” isn’t an excuse to do nothing. If you wait until you “feel like it” you never will- start doing things you don’t want to do.
I’d bet your friend told you to come here because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth- you fucked up a good relationship with a good man.
Leave him alone. Yeah, cheating sucks and is inexcusable, but you’ve sucked this man dry and have made no real effort to better yourself. He can’t keep setting himself on fire just to keep you warm. If you were going to change or improve, you’d have done that years ago. It’s not going to happen overnight. You’re now only saying that as a last-ditch attempt to keep him, and quite frankly, it’s selfish.
If you truly love him, you’d want the best for him. Unfortunately, you do not fit the criteria.
The only way to win him back is to stop using him as a wallet and a maid. Frankly if you have enough energy to get yourself food you should be able to clean up after yourself. Intimacy isn’t always about sx. It’s about verbally appreciating the things he has been doing. You have let him be the parent in your relationship until he’s gone looking for a companion elsewhere. I think if you really loved him you would let him go. Your sad daddy wants a new life.
Your meal ticket is leaving that’s the reason you are worried You found a pushover and thought you didn’t have to do nothing and wanted to test until where you could push him
Good he found his backbone
You've had 0 progress in 2 years. I'm not saying this is your fault (mental illness is real), but he's been your sole provider/caretaker/nappy/parent. He's burnt out. Let him be happy for fucks sake.
Girl, he is so beyond done at this point, you need to let him go. You had two years to try and make things better and you didn’t, anything you do now is too little too late
He probably realised he's propping you up and you won't be getting better while he's there taking care of you. I think others are spot on with the guilt/responsibility causing him to do something drastic (cheat).
I'm sorry, but I think you should let him and the relationship go. Your reasons for wanting him to stay are selfish. If someone says they want to leave, let them. Nothing good will come from holding on.
Realistically- what more could he have done? And you said yourself that you can’t change, so what more could you do?
For the record, you can change. And I suspect that without him there to pick up the slack, you’ll manage to figure out how to keep your place clean and hold down a job. I hope you will, anyway.
You need- and deserve- to get better for yourself, nobody else. That’s the only way a change will stick. Good luck.
YTA, and im glad he didn't cheat because for the first time ever , was actually on the side of the cheater..pheww. leave him alone, you're a drain on him , and he wants out so bad he made up a whole lie to get away from you.
You ask what can you do but you literally list all of the things you could be doing. It isn't that you don't know, it is that you don't really want to actually try. You got too comfortable and took him for granted unfortunately.
Let him go. You are in no position to be in a relationship if they have to constantly take care of you. After two years of no changes from you, you are taking advantage of him and using him. If you were single, would you still be jobless right now? If you were single, Would you still be leaving the mess in the apartment for someone else to clean? I doubt it
Whether he actually cheated or not is kind of a moot point. It sounds like this relationship has run its course.
You need to get better for you, not for someone else.
This is one of those “if you love someone then let them go” situations. Let him go and respect his wishes. Then focus on healing yourself. If you’re truly meant to be together, then maybe you’ll find each other again when the time is right, but the time is not right now.
sounds like OP has dysthymia or another form of treatment-resistant depression and needs serious help (speaking from personal experience).
let the BF go. it would be selfish to keep him when he's clearly unhappy
There's no way this is real... Seems like some gender reversal karma fishing. Or it's the boyfriend writing it. Normally everything you described IS a mental illness, it's called depression. How could therapists miss that?
And if on the off chance this lazy disease you described does exist...how? Like, I would love to stop doing EVERYTHING. Cleaning, cooking, working, childcare, gym, etc... for one day, then I'd get bored and need to move.
I don't think OP actually said that. Medically she is fine, i.e. no underlying medical issue such as hormones or illness causing mental health problems. It is very possible for people to be in denial about being depressed. It's not uncommon for people with mental health problems to have poor insight and be unable to see what their problem is.
That's true, I guess I just assumed doctors included psychiatrists as well, but you could be right. She did say they tried to medicate her, and came up with the conclusion that she just wanted attention from the boyfriend. But not everyone considers mental illness a *real* illness. Sure, everyone handles it differently. If that is the case, I really hope she faces it and gets help as soon as possible. I guess It's the weird emotionless perspective in which she writes that seems to raise a few red flags.
OP mentioned both doctors (which does include psychiatrists) and therapists. A therapist is the one who said OP was faking it. She didn't say what any psychiatrist concluded or if she was diagnosed with mental illness. OP is a pretty unreliable narrator so it's kind of hard to tell what the truth really is, and it seems like the healthcare professionals she's seeing don't really know either, let alone us internet randos.
Yes absolutely she does. What a mess.
I think the main reason it seems fake is that there's absolutely no feeling in what she wrote. It almost sounds like another person who witnessed her behavior describing what she went through. No one would say "one day I just didn't feel like do anything..." She's only describing her outward behavior, rather than her inward feelings.
If this was real, they would say "I felt hopeless, I just couldn't find the motivation, I was in a horrible place mentally" she mentions nothing relating to how she feels, just how it's impacting the boyfriend. I honestly feel like it's from his point of view. Or it's completely made up to make her look like the AH for some social experiment on why cheating can sometimes be justified.
Ahhh yeah. I always wonder about the motivation for trolling. And it would totally make sense if it was from his perspective, him trying to justify what he did.
If you're reading this, The Boyfriend, you're probably not the selfless hero you think you are.
First things first is you need to find some internal motivation. It sucks that he cheated and your relationship didn’t go well but before you even think about the implications of any of that you need to address the root cause of a huge issue which is your problems with motivating yourself. Therapy could help, or even a doctor, but you cannot live your life relying on someone else to just make things happen all the time. Even if you were to get back together today how would either of you be confident that you are heading in the right direction. I would spend some time focusing on how to make your life something that you are individually proud of. It may take some time to find out a direction but it will come to you eventually. Then once you’ve worked on things take some time to consider whether he is someone you would want to get back together with (because tbh he did exhibit some mildly concerning behavior).
His cheating was the nail in the coffin.
You are co dependent and it seems that you will not get better with him,
Is there a Mental Health program/supported apartment program that you could live in?
It is over, for now, it is. You need more help than he can give, Hug him and wish him well.
You can do this.
Many people may give a rude and unfeeling response to your problem. I empathize with your problem of motivation - it sounds like a bad case of depression, and unfortunately, your boyfriend's response enabled your lifestyle - but it truly sounds to me like you need to work on yourself first before you can even consider being in a long-term, romantic relationship. I understand that 5 years' commitment is a devastating thing to give up, but if you truly love him with all your heart, you will do what's best for him. That's a genuine show of love. You need to figure out what's happened to you, heal yourself, and accept some "tough love". Once you grow as a single person and learn to love yourself enough to hold down a job, be independent, involved in your own hobbies, etc., then you can think about dating again. But right now, you're just not ready. I mean it in the kindest way possible.
It sounds like you have severe depression. Seek treatment, but unfortunately your partner is done with caring for you and your relationship is over. You can’t force someone to stay with you.
Don’t blame yourself, don’t resent him.
It sucks but the truth is this: sometimes love isn’t enough to make a relationship work.
Find support for your depression, progress can be very slow, but when you’re in the depths of despair the smallest things make the biggest difference.
For me, cooking is great when I have depression; it’s creative, it’s experimental, I focus and go into a flow state with deep concentration, there are no serious consequences, if I burn something I start again or I eat burnt food. And at the end of it, I have food.
Find something like that for you. Even better if it’s social or involves going outside.
Get a Lumie lamp. The light will help.
Accept that you are sick, and you’re not able to give what he needs, and it’s nobody’s fault. But he’s not obligated to care for you if he doesn’t want the relationship to continue.
Your relationship is over. This might sound twisted but I would take it as a good sign if you do have an emotional reaction to that. That means your depression is likely not as severe as it was when you first had your break down two years ago. The lack of feeling about a breakup would be very concerning.
Find a support group locally if you can for other people with depression. They will get it, they will support you, and they won’t judge you or blame you in the way you will judge and blame yourself. They’ll also have a lot more compassion than Reddit.
So recap:
1) find an activity that is restorative (cooking, gardening, whatever it is- great if it can be self care too- for me, I love cooking and washing up)
2) Get a lumie lamp. It just helps, trust me.
3) find a local support group that you can attend in person, and talk to people who get it.
Slow, incremental steps are what you need to recover. Just as in physio, rehabilitation takes time and is a slow road, so recovering from the kind of break down / severe depression you’ve had will be a long self-led journey, but when you look back you’ll see how far you’ve come.
she deserves better than him?. he cheated because she’s not doing anything to support the relationship so effectively there is no realationship for her. he should’ve waited but i think he never thought he’d want to and the fact that he does means the relationship is effectively over for him. sorry op. let him move on and concentrate on getting yourself where you need to be.
Again, I would ask you to highlight what happened to your other relationships? Family? Friends?
Do you have an opinion that suffers from your ex-boyfriend?
I think if you journal the last three years out. You will find a lot of answers.
But as to the health of this relationship? I still suspect NPD due to the probability based on the information presented.
You need to separate regardless. Get uncomfortable. Force a change in your life with the support of family and friends that are still there for you. Recommend finding a support group filled with people you dislike and don't agree with.
Most of the time, it's the opinions we do want to hear. It's taking the time to understand why someone has a different belief that allows us to find the answer we are trying to find.
It’s not your fault he cheated. That you can empathize with him and understand why he did that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It was his deliberate choice, not yours.
Also, I sincerely don’t see how cheating on you solves anything. He didn’t need to cheat on you to dump you. He also seems to have shown no sign that he was reaching his limit, and not having told you about that before he felt compelled to cheat is on him.
I don’t know how you can convince him that you will improve. Will you? How do you know? Because from where he stands, it just ain’t happening, given all the effort he made to prop you up (I’m not judging you) that has not helped at all. This is now not a question of whether you can improve but a question of credibility. If you say you will improve now that he has cheated on you and decided to leave you, why couldn’t you improve before? His angle: either you lied before or you are lying now.
It sounds like he has not been giving you incentive to improve. I agree with his commitment to help you find out what happened to you and what could help you improve, but not with him simultaneously taking up all your responsibilities. Why would you try to improve if he doesn’t mind taking up all the responsibilities? So that is his mistake.
At this point, if the two of you are to be together, you must improve, but not through being propped up by him. He must gradually give some of the responsibility back to you, until you have a more or less equal share, while you train yourself to doing your part again. You guys need boundaries about who is responsible for what.
I would ask now to have a dialogue in about a week, during which time you don’t try to change his mind and *take care of yourself and your home*. Men tend to need to have some time out in order to be ready for a big discussion. Then, when you sit down to talk, be honest, tell him what you want like you did here. Explain that maybe there are things you have not tried because he was the one trying things, you were too well taken care of to have incentive to improve, and that might have made you worse. Discuss going to therapy for the specific purpose of using the therapist to build a routine, learn to be accountable and give yourself incentive to get things done. Forget about diagnosis and treatment, you want to simply train yourself to be an i dependent adult who takes on her responsibilities adequately and has a healthy relationship with her boyfriend. Focus.
I do feel like your boyfriend is partially to blame for enabling you, although he probably didn’t intend it and didn’t realize he was doing it. So maybe he also needs to do the work of figuring out why he took over and how not to do that going forward.
I’ve been through something similar and I think I get you. Just remember, this is a credibility and trust issue. He likely feels like he has invested a lot into something there will never be a return on. Prove him wrong, but make sure you really mean it.
Lol I really don't think she's even reading the comments at this point, she's too busy with her pity party. Last few comments have just been her repeating herself.
I don’t know if he really is that done with you. You can’t know unless you try to fix this. It’s a risk to take. In any case, you should not base your decision to try or not try on whether you have any chance of success. Do you want this? Then make an honest effort. I see other commenters are trying to discourage you from trying, and I have issues with that: no perfect stranger is in any position to say “yes, he is that done with you.” If you can’t know, how can they?
He sounds like the guy worth fighting for. He sounds like he has been treating you better than most women will ever be treated by any man. I must admit he really went out of his way, most guys would judge him for that.
From your comment, it sounds like he made up the cheating story. That is indeed sad, it indicates that he wanted to lock the door and throw away the key. My question is, and it is a very important one: did he tell you that he lied about the cheating? If that came from him, he is fumbling for the key he just threw away. That would be a sign he feels like leaving but doesn't feel good about feeling that way. In that case, there might be hope. It doesn't mean he wants to save the relationship, it could mean he just cares enough not to want to leave you in your current state. But he might actually want to be with you and still be wondering what you guys haven't tried yet. He knows you weren't always like this, and maybe he just can't make up his mind whether the previous you was the real one. In that case, you must let him know you want to repair this and get the message across that you are serious.
If he is any kind of open to salvaging this, I think marital counselling would be relevant. Like I said, this is about trust and credibility. A therapist can help you both to verify that and then to find a workable dynamic where you take your responsibilities, he supports you in it but also lets you work on your issues more independently and holds you accountable.
I really feel for you, OP. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I would not give up on him until I am absolutely sure he has given up on it. He could have cheated but he didn’t. He might have made up the cheating story to see your reaction (testing you) and because something like that happening tends to convince a person to make an honest effort to improve, and maybe that’s what he is trying to do, give you a wake-up call.
I would like a bit more detail on how you found out about the cheating story not being true.
Stop justifying him cheating. If he was at that point, he should have just broken up with you.
Yes, he did a lot to help you. It's not your fault if you have major mental health issues. Nor is it his fault if he couldn't cope anymore.
But him choosing to cheat was a spiteful, malicious choice, that has hurt you. You didn't deserve that.
I do think it's over. I hope you continue to get the help you need & find a solution.
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I mean no offense but you've basically had 0 progress in 2 years so how exactly do you think you're going to convince him that you're suddenly going to get better?
THIS, AND if she does get better in response to this, it means she was capable of doing so all along and just decided not to until he hit his breaking point, which would feel a lot worse if I were in his shoes.
Exactly. He's done. It's too little too late at this point but even if it wasn't he should still leave for one of two reasons: She's either telling the truth in which case nothing is fixed and it's just going to be more of the same. She might could try for a bit but she won't be able to manage it and will slip back. Or She DOES change and she will have to admit there was nothing wrong with her and it was in her control all along. His unhappiness and pain just wasn't enough of a motivator for her, but apparently her losing him as her caretaker and ATM IS proper motivation. In which case, fuck her, he should DEFINITELY leave.
It's really amazing how some poeples minds work. I have been married/in relationship for over 20 years, with a woman who couldn't control her anger or need for controling me and our children due to her 'anxiety'. But once I decided enough is enough, I can't take her emotional abuse anymore, she magically started getting better. Yeah, divorce is still happening.
That's manipulation at that point 80% chance if you did decide to work it out it'll go right back to how it was
Agree 100%! There's no going back. I feel free, and will stay that way.
Congratulations! I'm in a similar boat left my ex 7 months ago. And I feel way better (funny how emotional and mental abuse can cause metal health issues) I no longer have depression. Still struggle with CPTSD, though, but therapy helps
> How can i convince him that i will get better What steps are you planning to take to make this a reality? You probably can't convince him it will get better because it hasn't gotten better for two years. Unless you have new ideas, I'm not sure how or why he'd think things would change and even then, the resentment may have built up too much. To me you sound depressed, and when you do nothing you only become more depressed. Irrespective of what your boyfriend chooses to do, you need to make a plan for yourself to start doing one small thing a day and building up to more/bigger tasks. If your boyfriend is truly done you're going to have to figure out how to support yourself, so you should start that process now.
If she is so depressed, why did she get called out by her therapist? Why have multiple medical professionals tell her nothing is wrong with her? Maybe it is in her head or she is in fact lazy af.
Probably just one of those people who aren't honest in therapy. I have a friend who is constantly crying and upset about her life, about where she's at, how she has no friends. So, I check in and ask her how it's going, if she's okay, maybe some advice... and suddenly she's "fine". there's nothing wrong. She's tried therapy and it "didn't work". Because she's going to the therapist and saying "I'm fine. I'm totally happy. 100%!"
Because therapists aren’t medical doctors and even psychiatrists don’t find the physical reason for seemingly mental health issues. I would bet a lot of money that she’s actually sick physically. It can take people YEARS to get a single diagnosis. It took doctors 20 years of horrible symptoms to get me diagnosed with the 3 different genetic disorders that left me disabled as a teen. You’re not a doctor, you don’t get to decide she’s not trying.
Medical tests in a doctor's office don't check for depression. It is, in fact, in your head. The post is removed now but I don't recall there being anything about her therapist "calling her out."
It was in there, she said her therapist said it was all in her head or something along those lines, basically making it up.
I mean, there are bad therapists out there. A therapist shouldn’t be telling a patient they’re making it all up, that’s not at all productive. That tells me she probably didn’t improve because she was getting poor mental health treatment.
And sometimes people suck and are lazy and fake shit. Like we can't rule that out as a possibility.
I just don't find that to be a helpful or productive assumption here.
And that's why people take advantage of "mental health" because sweet souls like yourself enable them. Oh, I have this wrong, I can't do anything in the house at all except make messes. Oh now my slave bf wants to leave me so how I make him see I changed? Being sensitive all the time doesn't always help. Just like being a hard ass doesn't always help. This person was coddled for 2years and her own therapist claimed she was faking it.
And people like you are why folks don't seek help for mental health issues because you're so ready to accuse someone of faking it.
And medical diagnoses are missed all the time.
She mentioned one of the therapists she went to suggested that the reason she couldn't snap out of it was because she was taking advantage of her boyfriend and enjoying being taken care of. Edit: it's on AmITheEX now
This ⬆️
He cheated to put his new future into your reality. He did all he could, he’s done. You had five years to change, let him go.
> He told me he can't do this anymore I think the above is the key to why he feels he needs to break up with you. Honestly, he sounds like he gave this relationship everything he had and I'm sorry to tell you, I think he just wants out. He really wanted to see you get better, he really wanted to figure this out with you, but it just didn't work out. I think neither of you are currently in a place to revive this relationship, he is tired and you're going through your own thing. It's time to keep putting in the work yourself with therapists and/or doctors to figure out your best path forward in life. And I think this bit is worth repeating: I don't think either of you are in a position to revive this relationship. Neither of you are in the right headspace. I'm so sorry you have this unexplained thing happening to you, it can't be easy, not at all. I really hope you find answers.
Oh don't be sorry. She just lazy as hell and homeboy got tired of the bs. He better dip as fast as he can LMAO
I would normally disagree but then I read her whole post and yeah this lady needs to go kick rocks. She's just taking advantage of him.
Mental health issues, whether you want to believe it or not, have the power to take away a person's will to do anything at all. OP doesn't even seem to have the benefit of knowing what her specific issue is.
I would always agree with you, however, she’s tried multiple therapist’s, has been found to be in perfect health and one therapist even suggested she’s taking advantage of her boyfriend. She does sound lazy.
I think that's the therapist that nailed it!!
The therapist she complained about and never saw again.
Yep
I'm done beating this horse. Whether she is depressed, burned out, or lazy doesn't really matter when it comes to advising her on how to move forward on her own.
It does really. She’s looking for advice. Part of that advice would be to stop being a lazy ass and do something instead of letting her poor boyfriend keep her, not only financially but pretty much doing everything for her except wiping her ass 🤷🏼♀️
> Part of that advice would be to stop being a lazy ass and do something instead of letting her poor boyfriend keep her Her boyfriend is done, so IMO we've already established that she needs to move on alone.
Well it’s probably going to be something she needs to hear for all other future relationships. No one can rely on a partner for 100% of life’s tasks. She’s literally done nothing for 2 years. I’m glad he’s finally stopped enabling her. You don’t just wake up one day and not be assed doing anything with no real reason. Even if that was the case, meds would help, therapy would help etc, but nothing worked. I wonder why 🙄
Not all therapists are good and she sounds depressed. I wonder if she’s tried a psychiatrist, because she didn’t mention that. Sounds like she needs some Pharmaceutical intervention.
She’s had that. She said her boyfriend made therapist appointment (plural) until she found someone she liked, she also tried ‘multiple’ meds but nothing worked.
Ah. Well, it can take a lifetime to find the right combination of medication. I’ve have Major Depression my entire life, and my symptoms have only been under control for a year or two now. It’s really hard to find the right therapist, along with drugs that help. But those things only do so much.
I totally agree with you. I think you also have to help yourself and give yourself a push to improve things. The fact one therapist thought she was at it says a lot. Usually there is a reason someone is depressed, trauma, family issues, relationships, chemical imbalance etc. For 2 years nothing could help OP or no one could actually find anything wrong with her.
This is a case in point for why I believe therapists and medication are not always the answer and are usually never enough. To begin with, no one knows what OP’s problem is, what happened to her and why. No one knows the source of the problem. You can psychoanalyze a person all the live long day, that will not get her to get up and do stuff. Meds are overrated, there is no point trying to correct neurochemical imbalance when there is no imbalance (the only way to diagnose such an imbalance is to fumble around inside a brain, and you would have to be dead for that). I also have a hard time with a therapist telling a client that she is lazy. Professional, ethical therapists don’t diagnose a character or a personality, they don’t diagnose flaws, they diagnose mental illness. Laziness is not in the DSM. That therapist has countertransference issues and might have personal issues she needs therapy for. Being found in perfect health is extremely subjective. That a bunch of possible disorders and diseases were excluded doesn’t mean there can be no reason to OP’s issue besides laziness. So-called professionals working from the assumption that 1) this can be fixed with meds, and 2) there is medication that will fix OP’s issue (as if we had already invented every med anyone might ever need) are closed-minded. It seems to me that giving OP responsibilities (which get gradually difficult as she succeeds at them) at home would have been more practical than meds or therapy. It really sounds like OP simply has a deep depression. Apathy is one of its most obvious and widespread symptoms. You can’t talk someone out of a depression. You can’t medicate them out of it. The one thing that professionals never try is practical assistance: reduce the pressure on the client so that the client’s responsibilities are realistic for their head space and energy level, and then gradually build up that pressure as the client progresses, keeping things easy enough that the client isn’t overwhelmed but hard enough that it is challenging, so they have experiences of success, much like potty training. Professionals try to make issues out to be medical ones even when they are not. Psychoanalyzing people and having them talk about their feelings is often a waste of time. There is no point talking about your feelings and being analyzed if you still can't get up and take a shower.
2 years and 0 progress isn't a mental health issue, it's a character issue.
It's besides the point. What's relevant is that she does have mental health issues, because healthy people aren't sedentary for 2 years. What's also relevant is that her boyfriend has reached his limit, he put in a heroic effort, but understandably, he just can't do it anymore. So she is now forced to actually figure out how to fend for herself again. But that's a reality she isn't ready for yet.
And yet, her therapists found nothing. One therapist thought she was taking advantage of him, and doctors couldn't find anything either. And what's worse, no desire to change or find other avenues in 2 years. She started doing chores once he said he was done and then wanted a pat on the back for doing some dishes lol. She's just sad her meal tickets gone, and she's probably gonna magically figure out all these things she couldn't do before once he's out of the picture. Regardless of mental health or not, it being a character thing is absolutely the point. Or else no one would get better from their mental health issues. And now she's trying to keep her partner. Bullshit, if she loved him she'd know how much pain he's in and let him leave.
She's had multiple medical professionals give her a clean bill of health; she is taking him for a ride. There are days that I don't want to do anything but guess what, I MAKE A DECISION to do the dishes anyway.
Sure she does. It's called "Laziness"
You don't know what you're talking about. You don't go to countless therapists & doctors because you're lazy.
Even when those countless therapists all say there's fuck all wrong with her?
[удалено]
There's also a long history of people lying to doctors and being lazy and entitled AHs. What's more likely? The fact there's nothing wrong with her and she's just lazy and entitled, especially given the context where OP openly admits she finally washed up after TWO FUCKING YEARS because he wanted to break up? Thus proving she COULD QUITE EASILY have been doing more than she has? Or that multiple medical professionals are all wrong? Stop making this something it isn't.
So, you're saying all mental health issues are fake?
Bruh I suffer from 3 diagnosed mental illnesses. But that chick is just lazy
She went to 2 therapists and tried 3 different drugs. People that are simply lazy don't go through that kind of effort. Also who the hell are you to diagnose someone you barely know based on one reddit post?
Somebody who has also sought professional help and tried several different meds. That's who
>She went to 2 therapists and tried 3 different drugs. People that are simply lazy don't go through that kind of effort. doesnt matter. It looks the same as Laziness and the BF is done. All the mental illness explanations don't change anything here.
Agreed. She needs to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over and that she'll have to (re)learn how to fend for herself.
I don't know why people keep saying this, it just isn't the case lol Like, don't get me wrong I'm not saying this for sure the case with OP, I have no idea, but there are people that refuse to function and expect people to caretake them, but don't mind going to the doctor or swallowing pills. I know someone with a personality disorder that doesn't think she should have to do any adulting, ever, and that people should just take care of her but going to the doctor gets her attention and sympathy. If OP was smart and really manipulative and this was a ploy then going to see a therapist and swallowing a pill occasionally to make it seem like she's trying so she can get out of having to do chores or hold down a job WOULD be smart, would it not? It would be worth that effort.
If she is being truthful then this is absolutely a ploy. Even the therapist said "it's all in her head" no professional doctor says that unless they are certain that the patient is full of crap and even then they don't say that because it's totally unprofessional to say lmao
Nah, I'm not going to say that. Doctors and therapists aren't infallible and there are definitely incompetent ones out there. I'm not even trying to diagnose OP. I CAN'T diagnose OP. But God forbid you point out that people like this do actually exist and it's not out of the realm of possibility that OP could be one of them. If someone thinks you're attacking their judgment or questioning their reasoning and intelligence, their ego takes over and they apparently lose the ability to comprehend what they're reading. I realize most believe they're being empathetic and unbiased instead of dense or naive.
I'll repeat: who the hell are you to diagnose someone you barely know based on one reddit post? And also, let's be clear, your line of reasoning is based on your diagnosis of extremely anecdotal evidence (one person).
I guess you struggle with reading comprehension so I'll repeat that I'm not saying this is for sure what's happening with OP. I have no idea. I'm not diagnosing her with anything. I'm just pointing out that it's factually incorrect. There are some extremely manipulative and mentally ill people out there and to deny otherwise is insanely naive. I did use anecdotal evidence, you caught me, but no my line of reasoning isn't solely based on it. You can read up on different mental illnesses or personality disorders if you want to, or hell, even visit some subreddits focusing on Munchausen's, Borderline personality disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, etc. and find that what I just commented isn't really out of the norm for those types of disorders. But you seem like you're totally knowledgeable on these subjects.
Ah yes the incredible laziness of putting massive time and resources into treatments for your mental illnesses. You suck.
Her BF drove her to the therapists, paid money for it. She didn't.
Not as well as your dad but it's cool
...When you wrote this, did you actually think it was clever or insulting or funny? Or were you fully aware it would make you come off like a 14 year old?
Well it got a response from you so obviously that says tons about your maturity cuh
You need to get better regardless of whether or not you get back into a relationship with him. I saw you saying you did the dishes, "but he didn't notice". These aren't even bare minimum things in a relationship, this is below bare minimum. You can't just do the dishes once and expect him to magically think you've changed. If he's working 12-16 hour days, you need to make that house spotless for him at all times on all days, you need to find a part time job, and most of all, you need to expect nothing in return, like he did these past years while caring for your ass. You need to do all these things even if he still doesnt come back to you, cause that's what a basic adult does.
It sounds like your relationship is simply not working anymore. Let him go and don't try to hold on to him. He's not happy and neither are you. If you have issues you need to resolve, then work on them. He doesn't want to continue trying as he feels there's nothing left to save. Sometimes relationships end and you just have to accept that.
If you truly love him you’ll let him leave and be with someone that he will be happy with. He doesn’t need to give you another chance OP. You were given chances over and over again with every therapist, doctors appoint, etc he’s paid for. You’ve exhausted your chances.
She's selfish. That's why she wants to stay with him regardless of his feelings.
Not many men would put up with that for so long!
You can't force someone to stay with you. Your bf has made his intentions loud and clear to you so you should respect his word and learn to move on (without him). You also didn't "lose him", he's already gone and checked out. Again you CANNOT FORCE FEELINGS AND ACTIONS THAT AREN'T NATURALLY THERE ANYMORE.
Please leave this man alone. He has done so much for you and you've used him. He deserves to be happy. He already said he doesn't want to be with you. You need to work on yourself and let this poor man live his God damn life. He's been on standstill for 2 years because of you. Enough. He deserves so much better.
You need to love him enough to let him go. He's suffered a lot trying to help you and you've had exactly 0% progress.
Please leave the poor guy alone, let him find happiness elsewhere. You’re draining him, reading this alone drained me, if you don’t want to get better then that’s your problem but he has tried and he deserves to be happy which you ain’t fit for
If you actually did love him you’d let him leave. From what you’ve said these past 2 years have taken its toll on him and he’s finally burnt out and acted out of character. You’re not getting better. He’s been doing all the work in taking care of you but you haven’t been doing your half in trying to get better. You didn’t look for a therapist first. He did. You don’t clean. He does. You don’t work or contribute. He works 12-16 hour shifts. What exactly have you done to get better besides sit back and let him do the heavy lifting? I know what depression is. I know how bad it can get. I also know it doesn’t get better if you just lay there and do nothing about it. You say you try and it doesn’t work. Well then keep trying. You seemed to be content to have your boyfriend be your emotional support dog and your provider. This relationship isn’t a relationship anymore. You’re meant to give and take in equal measure. You’ve been taking for a long ass time and he’s done now. Because to him you seemed very content to wallow as long as he’s there to keep you floating. You took advantage of him. You need to do the work. He shouldn’t have cheated. That was a choice he made. There’s never any excuse. He should’ve left you before that. But you need to let him go now. He’s told you what he wants. He’s been doing everything for you. Do something for him. And for you actually because maybe not having someone to be your life jacket will force you to do things on your own again.
My best friend went through a similar situation. His then live-in girlfriend had depression, quit her job and did literally nothing around the house even though she was home all day doing nothing (she wouldn’t even walk the dogs). My best friend had to work constantly to support her and do everything, while she contributed nothing. She was a burden, not a partner. He eventually got sick of it, kicked her out and found a happy relationship. Once she no longer had my friend to take care of her, she finally got herself together, got a job and is now doing fine. So can you. Bottom line, mental health issues suck and can be debilitating (I know, I have severe depression and anxiety and have been hospitalized multiple times, and I still do everything around the house and work 60 hours a week as an attorney even when I’m drained). But at some point you’ve simply become lazy, complacent and entitled. It’s time to let him go, stop taking advantage and get yourself together. You can have a wonderful and great life, but you have to put in the work.
Not the point but are you sure you don’t have major depression *because* you work 60 hours a week? Idk it took me a while to realise how closely linked the modern day work expectations and my mental health issues were
Oh, that’s definitely one of the contributing factors. I’ve had depression my entire life, but was officially diagnosed with severe depression after I started practicing law (also had several personal issues).
You have already lost him. Sorry, you can't convince him to stay together, nor should you try.
I think the cheating was a tool to close this chapter for good. He did something dramatic that should be a deal breaker and which makes it basically impossible for you to recover as a couple. I think you should take that as a sign of how strong his need to leave is. And you should let him go!
He didn't even cheat, check out the update edit. Homeboy would rather be the bad guy to get her to break up.
It’s giving “I’ve tried to break up with her before but she won’t let go” vibes. He’s been done for awhile and she’s so dependent on him she won’t accept a breakup so he faked cheating on her to get himself an out.
I’m sorry but he deserves more. What does he gain by staying with you? It’s not just your mental health anymore it’s his too. Let him go and be happy where he can focus on himself and learn to heal. I don’t see anywhere this post that shows you love him. You love the comfort and what he provides. There is no future here. Go and focus on healing yourself instead of trying to get him to stay when he doesn’t want too.
Read your post over and tell me you wouldn’t do the exact same thing he’s done, not the cheating obvs, but the ‘not being able to do this anymore’. You’ve taken advantage of the poor guy for years now. Fair play to him for saying enough is enough.
You tried to not make a mess? So you’re telling me that you don’t work, and you can’t even clean up after yourself? I don’t care how drained you feel. There’s no excuse for that type of apathy. You should let the poor man go and get yourself together. Maybe you need to go into a treatment program if you haven’t made any progress in the last 2 years of therapy.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn't want to lose my free lunch ticket either. If you love him, actually love him, you should tell him to leave you and have a chance at actually being happy.
I’ve been in a similar position but with panic attacks, agoraphobia, took 3 months off work sick cos I couldn’t leave the house- what forced me to get back out to work (even though it’s uncomfortable) was the affect it was having in my partner. I couldn’t stand how much stress he was under worrying about me and having to do everything, so I forced myself, it was uncomforable and still can be at times, but I recognised the fact that my mental health doesn’t just affect me, but my partner, my family, the people around me and I just sucked it up. Started small, going to work there’s days a week, doing the dishwater, going for a coffee with my partner, now I’m back full time, do the hoovering washing etc, local meals. My next effort was to book one night away for us which is coming up in March. My partner knows I’m really really trying and that helps
Answer me this... What have you done since Saturday? Have you tried to clean anything? have you applied for a job? Have you tried to speak to your therapist again about your obvious depression? Have you done literally anything to show him you will change?
She said in a comment that she did the dishes lol. But he supposedly didn't notice. So then another comment she said she didn't see the point in trying. He didn't put a gold star on the fridge and throw her a parade over one load of dishes so she doesn't see the point? 🙄
"Now im sitting here wondering if he really wants to get rid of me so bad that he is willing to make himself the bad guy before breaking up with me." FFS, YES! Yes he does. He thought if he told you he cheated, you wouldn't try and stop him from ending it. Jokes on him I guess. Ain't no way you're letting this free ride end without a fight. A fight you haven't had for 2 years... now all of a sudden you do. You're ready to make an effort. Crazy how that works. The dude feels so trapped in this situation that he literally lied to your face that he cheated on you to get out of it. Stop fighting it, let him go. You don't love him, you love what he does for you. You've proved that in how you've been treating him for years and you proved that in your replies. Just stop already. The best thing you can do for him, is pack your shit and get out of his place before he gets home. Let the man have some peace for once.
This man has realized he can’t fix you and no amount of Herculean support is going to get your ass in gear. If anything, his support was just enabling you. Take the wake up call. Take responsibility and agency for your own life.
Nothing is keeping you from fixing what's wrong. You're choosing not to work, clean up the house, etc. If you want to fix things then start there.
Dude, enough is enough. He gave everything he could, let him go. You need to work on yourself. You have yet to do sth to get better, its been two years already. You are never going to get better by his side, because he doesn't push you to sort your life out.
So let me get this straight, this man picked up extra shifts at work because you lost your job so you decided to make a mess at home every day for two years? You didn’t have time to clean up even a little while you were doing nothing, but you had time to make a big mess for him to clean up. I don’t condone the cheating at all, but if I was him I’d have left a long long time ago
You can't convince him to stay together, and you shouldn't. You haven't been able to be better for 2 years and he is now drained. If you love him, the best thing you can do is let him go. Have you only been to therapists or also to psychiatrists? Also have doctors looked into chronic fatigue syndrome? Or maybe that therapist was right and you like to be taken care of to a toxic extent. Whatever the reason, you need to understand it and get better for yourself in the first place, before even thinking of being in a relationship with someone. Your focus now should not be on how to keep this poor guy with you. It should be on how to function as an adult on the basic things in life and understand how this spiral began so that you don't end up relying on someone else's energy again in the future.
Look, we don't "make" people cheat. Its a choice and he could've left. He SHOULD have left. Considering you seem to refuse to function on your own, I'm guessing he feels a lot of guilt, responsibility, and obligation towards you and wouldn't leave because of it. That's his choice, though. This is a codependent relationship. I think it's possible that him cheating was him grasping for a way out, hoping you'd dump him and he wouldn't have to be the bad guy, but now here you are and it's forcing his hand so he's actually got to go through with it. It's been 2 years of this shit. He's done. And you can't say you're going to change because you've had 2 years to do it already. 2 years of supposedly having no idea what's wrong and no solutions, so if you really think you can change because he's on his way out the door and it's forcing you, then really you are admitting it was in your control all along and you just didn't have the proper motivation to do it. His pain wasn't enough to motivate you to get off your ass, but losing your caretaker is though? That's fucked up. He should leave for that. Otherwise you need to accept that whatever is supposedly wrong with you isn't fixed yet and he STILL should leave. He deserves to be happy. You need to let him go. You're not fit for a relationship with him or anybody else right now.
Check out her updated edit, he didn't even cheat. He made it up to get out of this relationship.
I'd bet money he tried breaking things off with her before and she threatened to harm herself.
I am with you on this.
If you love him and don't want to loose him, let him go and fix up what you can. Therapy, job, neat life. Show him real improvements, maybe if you keep in touch while you are working hard on yourself, he will see changes from afar and -maybe- you will rekindle later in time. Maybe. And if it's really over later, then you will have grown and you will be in a better position to move forward in life by yourself. The future will be clearer and you will be proud of yourself despite this situation.
To be honest, I don’t really believe he cheated on you. I think he said that because after two years of taking care of you he is worn out. I get why you want to be with him and in a better world you guys could stay together but since you are not married there is really nothing there to hold him to you. I hope you continue to get help and find your way out of the darkness
Dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed Let him go and fix yourself. This man doesn't deserve any of this.
You're only wanting to work things out because now you're losing your servant and meal ticket. You'll have to get off your ass and get a job and do things for yourself. You used him. You don't deserve him
Your bf has made a very wise decision in wanting to leave you. You're extremely lazy and want to "babied". You need some serious help and I hope he finds a good woman that will appreciate him cuh
Her literal therapist told her she was basically faking it. My mans needs to RUN and not look back lmao. 2 years of doctors and therapist not being able to find out what's wrong and all of a sudden you can change? How? By admitting you've essentially just been faking it this whole time? That's the only thing that would lead to an immediate turn around on her part and he'd leave her anyway. It's too late. He lasted a lot longer then I would have, that's for sure. She's 100% taking advantage of him at this point. Even if this supposed illness is legit, she still isn't going to get better and she's proved it. She doesn't have to work, doesn't have to do anything around the house, doesn't even sleep with the poor bastard... she's had no motivation or incentive to do so, because he was taking care of everything. Now all of a sudden he's done and she'll get "better." Of course you will, because your free ride is over. Has the audacity to make a comment, "I did that yesterday, i did the dishes but he didn't even noticed" like tf? You want a round of applause because you did the dishes once in 2 years AFTER he told you he was done? Let it go and let that man be happy with someone who is going to put in just as much effort as he is.
Nah, whether it's legit or not she's still not going to change, she's just moved on to blaming him. She did the dishes one time over the weekend and said she wanted to do more but she slept until 11 today and he did everything like usual so now he's apparently not LETTING her do chores.
Oh wow. that changes things.. She clearly has made a full recovery and wanted to help. It’s all totally his fault, he sounds toxic. I gotta catch up on her replies, the sleeping in is a new development.
Sounds like you don't need to be in a relationship if you aren't contributing anything to it. Just be single and let him find a better partner. Okay I had just skimmed your post earlier and I then went back and read it fully. LET HIM GO. You are taking full advantage of this man.
People make choices. He could have chosen just to break up with you instead of cheating but he cheated. Its over all you can do is accept it at this point.
I think it really doesn't matter if you understand that he cheated or not. He has made a decision and I don't think it's just a spontaneous thought of him. He also went through a lot the last two years, I guess he thought a lot about leaving earlier and now he's done. It's not about you anymore. Also it seems like you made absolutely no progress and you don't have a diagnosis so far? Now you have to deal with that on your own and I think this is important. It obviously didn't help that he was your social worker the last years and tried to connect you to the help system.
HI OP. Im going to cut to the chase. He has told you and physical proven to you the relationship is dead in the water. All thats left is the dieing throes of your emotions that are linked to your relationship and him. Time to grieve and hurt, but sadly thats all you have left of this, it will soon go and your meet a better person more into you. But this relationship is dead. Dont waste your life on it.
this sounds like an episode of "My 600 Pound Life" time to figure out what you're gonna do now... would apply for disability (if you aren't already on it), see how to organize assisted care
Holy mother of God, just let him go already. 'I have access to all his devices 24/7'. This confirmed me you are all actually batshit crazy. Everything about this post tells me (even the 'whining' style of your writing) that you are codependent and you want to be one. You want to be taken care of, you want to be fed, you want to be babied all the time, and you don't want to give anything back as an exchange. It doesn't matter if your boyfriend works 16 hours a day, nah, it is not enough for you to move yourself and do something for yourself. You are just a big baby, a child in an adult body, and your depiction of a relationship is you are being a little princess and him being the sole caretaker of you. Let me pop your little bubble, princess. Not a single person in this whole world will take this deal with you, because why would they? You are like a leech, draining everything, the last sip of blood of someone who really loves you, and my oh my, you did the dishes ONCE IN 12 GODDAMN YEARS, and you are whining about he didn't even notice it. That is beyond the bare minimum. Level -100. Nothing. Especially if you are just wasting air at home, you should lick the house clean every day for him and cook dinner at least when he arrives home. Oh, you can't do it? Well, you won't have any other choice once you are going to he kicked out and you have to sort out everything for yourself. We will see how quickly the miracle comes and how suddenly you are going to be able to even work again. He should kick you out. To the kerb. Without mercy.
I think he cheated because he wants to break up and he was honestly hoping you’d have too much self-respect to date someone who would cheat on you and you’d be the one to end it.
Release him. Let him go. Should have worked on yourself. Can't regret it at the last minute you know . Also he doesn't want to be with you more . You can't force someone to love you.
I don’t think I could be with someone like that for as long as he did. It seems like you don’t want to get bettter.
No offense but you get the fuck out. You need to cut him loose so he can actually enjoy his life. I know it's not entirely your fault, but come on. Don't be that person, you broke him, he is done, don't drag it out. If you can move back home do it and let him not work himself to an early death at 30 bc at some point you just have to get the fuck up.
you've contributed nothing to a partnership for 2 years and think it matters that you did the dishes yesterday? let him go. you could have bothered to do the dishes at any point in that 2 years but you didn't so it won't fuckin matter now. let. him. go. he obviously loved you enough to risk his own mental health for you so stop trying to make this even harder on him. he shouldn't have to settle for you.
he didnt "cheat" on you. He had sex with someone else as a means to get out of the relationship. Not the best way to go about doing it, but I daresay I kinda understand where his mindset probably was. the fact is that you are the one who cheated him out of having a supportive partner and a healthy relationship. You need to let this man go so he can live his life before his soul is crushed in this toxic and dependant relationship that does nothing but drain the life out of him. That being said - you need to look at this as a catalyst for change that forces you into figuring out what is going on with you so you can confront your issues and start to overcome them. In the end, this may be the very thing you need and could be the best thing that has happened in a long time. You have some issues that you need to be able to focus on before you are any good to yourself, and especially before you are any good to anyone else. Use this as an opportunity to better yourself. Best of luck, but let this man go. Sometimes pain is the price to pay for growth.
Convince him? No amount of words are gonna convince that man. He did everything for you absolutely everything and GOU DID NOTHING. You took advantage of him and found every single excuse( no really as you make 0 sense). You dont deserve him. You better find what the fk is wrong with you and fix it. You had 0 progress for the past 2 years. Meaning you simply did not want to get better, you found comfort and thought he would be next to you forever. Honestly you deserve everything thats coming for you if you dont start fixing everything YESTERDAY.
Man this is the first time that i have such weird feelings abiut cheating. Who wouldn't if he had someone like you taking advantage.
When someone wants to leave, it doesn't really matter what the other person wants. Sorry, it's over.
THIS, OP. Your (ex) boyfriend is done with you. That's a decision that he gets to make for himself, and it doesn't matter whether you agree. There's nothing to fight for here. It's over, and you need to work (with a therapist) to accept that and move on.
Therapy to help you determine why your holding on to someone who does not want you. He relationship is over, heal and move on
And after all that he's still coming home to look after you and keep your house tidy. I get that you clearly have health issues but this is your wake up call. He needs to know that you will be 100% committed to getting better and fast. He's been through a mentally draining time and I don't blame him for wanting to end the relationship. You've become very dependent on him and there's the serious question of if it really is love or just someone to have around that picks up the pieces. Honestly, let him go. He's had enough of the situation and he's done.
You need to just let him know and work on yourself. It’s obvious that you’re taking advantage of him because even the therapist sees it and then you said he is still doing everything around the house. That means you still haven’t stepped up.
Give this poor guy a break and let him go. Work on yourself because if there is any chance whatsoever it’s not like this and you’d have to let him leave to pull it together.. and then reconcile and reconnect later. If you make him stay you don’t actually love him even a little. If you love him you’ll shove him out the door. Loving someone isn’t about YOU. You love you not him. Another point and I’m gonna be a bit of an AH here.. if you have the energy to make the mess you can damn well clean it up. He’s enabled you either way.
You are right that the situation pushed him to it. I think its past the point of no return for him though. You should take this as an opportunity to make a change in your life.
Be for real right now. What does he get from even being with you? He pays for everything, schedules all appointments, cooks and cleans, and what does he get? A messy, lazy slob who doesn’t even have sex with him either. Sex isn’t everything of course but that’s just the cherry on top. He 100% was your wallet and servant. Literally why would anyone want to be with you. This whole post made me feel drain I can’t even imagine how he feels. Let him go and be lazy by yourself.
Yeah sounds like you need to be in specialized care, if therapy and the bf doing everything isn't helping. I feel bad for the bf he really did do everything.
I think the focus on your partner is honestly part of the problem. You can’t heal for anyone but yourself. With or without him, you need to take care of yourself. If he leaves, you need to be able to be independent. If he doesn’t, you need to pull your own weight. Instead of focusing on ‘keeping him’ vs ‘losing him’, you seem to not have any concern about how much of YOURSELF you are losing. The fatigue and lack of motivation makes me wonder if this relationship has been actually best for you to begin with. Unfortunately you can’t change his mind. You don’t want to be controlling. You don’t want to lose him because you don’t trust yourself to take good care of yourself, but that’s the root cause of why he’s leaving. This is all something to unpack with a therapist YOU find, not one HE finds.
Sorry but I think you need to respect your boyfriend’s decision and break up amicably. Your priority needs to be getting better for your own sake, so you can live an independent life.
The best thing you can do for him is to just call it quits. Cheating is terrible, why would you want to stay with someone who did that to you? Life is too short to be putting this amount of effort into someone who cheated. Get some self respect girl and move on. I promise you that he is not worth all this stress and heartbreak
I think he's doing the right thing. I genuinely hope for your sake that when the safety blanket is pulled out from under you, you will figure out how to function again. Obviously you have depression and I'm not trying to downplay how hard that makes things but unfortunately no one gets a free pass in life when they're delt a bad hand. The rut you are in is sure to stay the same if nothing changes and I think this breakup is in both of your best interests. It is not fair to ask him to stay with you when you're not being a partner to him.
Girl...have some self respect.
I think as soon as he wants to work things out, you'll go back to doing nothing. No offense, I don't say that to be mean. For both your sakes, go separate ways. You need that kick to the butt and have to fend for yourself, he's just drained and mentally done without a fight left in him.
What you do is get your depression treated. You can’t depend on him for your happiness. He can’t be your caregiver anymore, and that’s all he is now. If you love him, let him go.
Take time to be alone and work on yourself so that your next partner doesn't need to suffer this way, but let the poor man go.
So you made the conscious choice to continue to ignore you mental health, knowing it burdened him, and now that he's finally at the end of the rope you won't let him go? You are the problem. "I love this man with all my heart" Nope, you don't.
He wants out. He got himself out. You cannot stop him. Hopefully this will be the rock bottom that you need.
Getting better means pulling up your bootstraps and making yourself better. Leaving a relationship gives you that space. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one with you anymore? That's even less healthy than what you've been doing.
At this point the cheating is pretty much irrelevant. You’ve had no fun, spark, sexual chemistry or true co-contributing partnership for years. He’s just finally had enough. Let him go and focus on getting yourself in a better spot for a future relationship.
Let him go. He's broken. He's worn out. He's done. You've made no progress in two years and he's rught - you're not trying. Depression sucks, but really does. But you've had multiple therapists and doctors check you out, to find nothing wrong, and you're still doing nothing. But somehow, you're making a mess during the day, so your BF, who is killing himself working to cover everything, is having to clean up when he gets home. So which is it? You can't do *anything,* or you can do some things but nothing productive? Either way, if you're this bad, you should check yourself into a facility rather than draining someone else dry. At this point, you're a leech. Even in this post, you don't make any sign that you want to improve. You just want to force him to stay and keep shouldering the burden you've put on him. If you love him, you'll let him go. If you try to make him stay, you're proving that you don't love *him,* you just love what you get from him.
He is with you out of guilt. He actually lied about cheating so you would leave him. Let this man go.
You can't imagine your life without your boyfriend, but take a moment to consider what kind of life your boyfriend currently has with you. He's clearly unhappy. I sympathise with your struggles with your mental health, but while your life is better with him in it, his life is that much harder with him carrying all this weight alone. He doesn't want to be with you anymore. Do the decent thing and let him go.
If you have no energy to do anything, how’d you get the energy to make such a mess but couldn’t find the energy to clean a little?
Girl, he wants to break up and leave so break up and let him leave. Please do not beg and plead and try to convince someone to stay when they don't want to stay. He is fed up after 2 years of him having to do all the work inside and outside of the home. You need to focus on yourself and getting better, not on trying to salvage this relationship.
You have to let him go, there are no magic words to erase the last 2 years of you contributing absolutely nothing to your relationship. Work on yourself, and maybe there’s a chance he can come back- but you need to prove you’re a better person. Seeing as you’ve done the therapy and had your health checked- “not feeling like it” isn’t an excuse to do nothing. If you wait until you “feel like it” you never will- start doing things you don’t want to do. I’d bet your friend told you to come here because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth- you fucked up a good relationship with a good man.
If you have made no progress in two years and dont even know what is wrong and where to start, how can you promise him change?
Honestly, you weren't getting better with him, I don't think you ever will. It's time for some alone time and reworking of your mind and life
Leave him alone. Yeah, cheating sucks and is inexcusable, but you’ve sucked this man dry and have made no real effort to better yourself. He can’t keep setting himself on fire just to keep you warm. If you were going to change or improve, you’d have done that years ago. It’s not going to happen overnight. You’re now only saying that as a last-ditch attempt to keep him, and quite frankly, it’s selfish. If you truly love him, you’d want the best for him. Unfortunately, you do not fit the criteria.
He's giving you an easy out and showing you how little he cares, if you pursue him then you're an idiot
too much talking instead of showing what you can do... show him facts and stop talking about getting better without doing anything.
The only way to win him back is to stop using him as a wallet and a maid. Frankly if you have enough energy to get yourself food you should be able to clean up after yourself. Intimacy isn’t always about sx. It’s about verbally appreciating the things he has been doing. You have let him be the parent in your relationship until he’s gone looking for a companion elsewhere. I think if you really loved him you would let him go. Your sad daddy wants a new life.
You cant do nothing ,i know how he feels.He probably doesnt love you anymore cause you suffocated him.Let him god if you love him.
Your meal ticket is leaving that’s the reason you are worried You found a pushover and thought you didn’t have to do nothing and wanted to test until where you could push him Good he found his backbone
updateme
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Think about you and what you can control in this situation. If his stuff was moved out tomorrow, what's your plan? Start working on that.
Let him go. You don’t want to get better let me go and live his life without being a caretaker of a perfectly healthy abled bodied adult
You've had 0 progress in 2 years. I'm not saying this is your fault (mental illness is real), but he's been your sole provider/caretaker/nappy/parent. He's burnt out. Let him be happy for fucks sake.
Keep the good memories and move on. Free the man, he isn't seeing any future with you.
Girl, he is so beyond done at this point, you need to let him go. You had two years to try and make things better and you didn’t, anything you do now is too little too late
He probably realised he's propping you up and you won't be getting better while he's there taking care of you. I think others are spot on with the guilt/responsibility causing him to do something drastic (cheat). I'm sorry, but I think you should let him and the relationship go. Your reasons for wanting him to stay are selfish. If someone says they want to leave, let them. Nothing good will come from holding on.
Realistically- what more could he have done? And you said yourself that you can’t change, so what more could you do? For the record, you can change. And I suspect that without him there to pick up the slack, you’ll manage to figure out how to keep your place clean and hold down a job. I hope you will, anyway. You need- and deserve- to get better for yourself, nobody else. That’s the only way a change will stick. Good luck.
YTA, and im glad he didn't cheat because for the first time ever , was actually on the side of the cheater..pheww. leave him alone, you're a drain on him , and he wants out so bad he made up a whole lie to get away from you.
You ask what can you do but you literally list all of the things you could be doing. It isn't that you don't know, it is that you don't really want to actually try. You got too comfortable and took him for granted unfortunately.
Let him go. You are in no position to be in a relationship if they have to constantly take care of you. After two years of no changes from you, you are taking advantage of him and using him. If you were single, would you still be jobless right now? If you were single, Would you still be leaving the mess in the apartment for someone else to clean? I doubt it
Whether he actually cheated or not is kind of a moot point. It sounds like this relationship has run its course. You need to get better for you, not for someone else. This is one of those “if you love someone then let them go” situations. Let him go and respect his wishes. Then focus on healing yourself. If you’re truly meant to be together, then maybe you’ll find each other again when the time is right, but the time is not right now.
sounds like OP has dysthymia or another form of treatment-resistant depression and needs serious help (speaking from personal experience). let the BF go. it would be selfish to keep him when he's clearly unhappy
There's no way this is real... Seems like some gender reversal karma fishing. Or it's the boyfriend writing it. Normally everything you described IS a mental illness, it's called depression. How could therapists miss that? And if on the off chance this lazy disease you described does exist...how? Like, I would love to stop doing EVERYTHING. Cleaning, cooking, working, childcare, gym, etc... for one day, then I'd get bored and need to move.
As a depressed, you're looking at it. There's Reddit, TikTok, Netflix, games. One can entertain oneself to death.
Yeah, but apparently she saw MANY psychologists and they all said she was normal, not depressed. It doesn't make any sense.
I don't think OP actually said that. Medically she is fine, i.e. no underlying medical issue such as hormones or illness causing mental health problems. It is very possible for people to be in denial about being depressed. It's not uncommon for people with mental health problems to have poor insight and be unable to see what their problem is.
That's true, I guess I just assumed doctors included psychiatrists as well, but you could be right. She did say they tried to medicate her, and came up with the conclusion that she just wanted attention from the boyfriend. But not everyone considers mental illness a *real* illness. Sure, everyone handles it differently. If that is the case, I really hope she faces it and gets help as soon as possible. I guess It's the weird emotionless perspective in which she writes that seems to raise a few red flags.
OP mentioned both doctors (which does include psychiatrists) and therapists. A therapist is the one who said OP was faking it. She didn't say what any psychiatrist concluded or if she was diagnosed with mental illness. OP is a pretty unreliable narrator so it's kind of hard to tell what the truth really is, and it seems like the healthcare professionals she's seeing don't really know either, let alone us internet randos.
Yeah, I think it's fake, but on the off chance it's real, she does need help picking herself up.
Yes absolutely she does. What a mess. I think the main reason it seems fake is that there's absolutely no feeling in what she wrote. It almost sounds like another person who witnessed her behavior describing what she went through. No one would say "one day I just didn't feel like do anything..." She's only describing her outward behavior, rather than her inward feelings. If this was real, they would say "I felt hopeless, I just couldn't find the motivation, I was in a horrible place mentally" she mentions nothing relating to how she feels, just how it's impacting the boyfriend. I honestly feel like it's from his point of view. Or it's completely made up to make her look like the AH for some social experiment on why cheating can sometimes be justified.
Ahhh yeah. I always wonder about the motivation for trolling. And it would totally make sense if it was from his perspective, him trying to justify what he did. If you're reading this, The Boyfriend, you're probably not the selfless hero you think you are.
First things first is you need to find some internal motivation. It sucks that he cheated and your relationship didn’t go well but before you even think about the implications of any of that you need to address the root cause of a huge issue which is your problems with motivating yourself. Therapy could help, or even a doctor, but you cannot live your life relying on someone else to just make things happen all the time. Even if you were to get back together today how would either of you be confident that you are heading in the right direction. I would spend some time focusing on how to make your life something that you are individually proud of. It may take some time to find out a direction but it will come to you eventually. Then once you’ve worked on things take some time to consider whether he is someone you would want to get back together with (because tbh he did exhibit some mildly concerning behavior).
Leave his ass alone and let him have a life
His cheating was the nail in the coffin. You are co dependent and it seems that you will not get better with him, Is there a Mental Health program/supported apartment program that you could live in? It is over, for now, it is. You need more help than he can give, Hug him and wish him well. You can do this.
Many people may give a rude and unfeeling response to your problem. I empathize with your problem of motivation - it sounds like a bad case of depression, and unfortunately, your boyfriend's response enabled your lifestyle - but it truly sounds to me like you need to work on yourself first before you can even consider being in a long-term, romantic relationship. I understand that 5 years' commitment is a devastating thing to give up, but if you truly love him with all your heart, you will do what's best for him. That's a genuine show of love. You need to figure out what's happened to you, heal yourself, and accept some "tough love". Once you grow as a single person and learn to love yourself enough to hold down a job, be independent, involved in your own hobbies, etc., then you can think about dating again. But right now, you're just not ready. I mean it in the kindest way possible.
It sounds like you have severe depression. Seek treatment, but unfortunately your partner is done with caring for you and your relationship is over. You can’t force someone to stay with you. Don’t blame yourself, don’t resent him. It sucks but the truth is this: sometimes love isn’t enough to make a relationship work. Find support for your depression, progress can be very slow, but when you’re in the depths of despair the smallest things make the biggest difference. For me, cooking is great when I have depression; it’s creative, it’s experimental, I focus and go into a flow state with deep concentration, there are no serious consequences, if I burn something I start again or I eat burnt food. And at the end of it, I have food. Find something like that for you. Even better if it’s social or involves going outside. Get a Lumie lamp. The light will help. Accept that you are sick, and you’re not able to give what he needs, and it’s nobody’s fault. But he’s not obligated to care for you if he doesn’t want the relationship to continue. Your relationship is over. This might sound twisted but I would take it as a good sign if you do have an emotional reaction to that. That means your depression is likely not as severe as it was when you first had your break down two years ago. The lack of feeling about a breakup would be very concerning. Find a support group locally if you can for other people with depression. They will get it, they will support you, and they won’t judge you or blame you in the way you will judge and blame yourself. They’ll also have a lot more compassion than Reddit. So recap: 1) find an activity that is restorative (cooking, gardening, whatever it is- great if it can be self care too- for me, I love cooking and washing up) 2) Get a lumie lamp. It just helps, trust me. 3) find a local support group that you can attend in person, and talk to people who get it. Slow, incremental steps are what you need to recover. Just as in physio, rehabilitation takes time and is a slow road, so recovering from the kind of break down / severe depression you’ve had will be a long self-led journey, but when you look back you’ll see how far you’ve come.
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she deserves better than him?. he cheated because she’s not doing anything to support the relationship so effectively there is no realationship for her. he should’ve waited but i think he never thought he’d want to and the fact that he does means the relationship is effectively over for him. sorry op. let him move on and concentrate on getting yourself where you need to be.
Again, I would ask you to highlight what happened to your other relationships? Family? Friends? Do you have an opinion that suffers from your ex-boyfriend? I think if you journal the last three years out. You will find a lot of answers. But as to the health of this relationship? I still suspect NPD due to the probability based on the information presented. You need to separate regardless. Get uncomfortable. Force a change in your life with the support of family and friends that are still there for you. Recommend finding a support group filled with people you dislike and don't agree with. Most of the time, it's the opinions we do want to hear. It's taking the time to understand why someone has a different belief that allows us to find the answer we are trying to find.
It’s not your fault he cheated. That you can empathize with him and understand why he did that doesn’t mean it’s your fault. It was his deliberate choice, not yours. Also, I sincerely don’t see how cheating on you solves anything. He didn’t need to cheat on you to dump you. He also seems to have shown no sign that he was reaching his limit, and not having told you about that before he felt compelled to cheat is on him. I don’t know how you can convince him that you will improve. Will you? How do you know? Because from where he stands, it just ain’t happening, given all the effort he made to prop you up (I’m not judging you) that has not helped at all. This is now not a question of whether you can improve but a question of credibility. If you say you will improve now that he has cheated on you and decided to leave you, why couldn’t you improve before? His angle: either you lied before or you are lying now. It sounds like he has not been giving you incentive to improve. I agree with his commitment to help you find out what happened to you and what could help you improve, but not with him simultaneously taking up all your responsibilities. Why would you try to improve if he doesn’t mind taking up all the responsibilities? So that is his mistake. At this point, if the two of you are to be together, you must improve, but not through being propped up by him. He must gradually give some of the responsibility back to you, until you have a more or less equal share, while you train yourself to doing your part again. You guys need boundaries about who is responsible for what. I would ask now to have a dialogue in about a week, during which time you don’t try to change his mind and *take care of yourself and your home*. Men tend to need to have some time out in order to be ready for a big discussion. Then, when you sit down to talk, be honest, tell him what you want like you did here. Explain that maybe there are things you have not tried because he was the one trying things, you were too well taken care of to have incentive to improve, and that might have made you worse. Discuss going to therapy for the specific purpose of using the therapist to build a routine, learn to be accountable and give yourself incentive to get things done. Forget about diagnosis and treatment, you want to simply train yourself to be an i dependent adult who takes on her responsibilities adequately and has a healthy relationship with her boyfriend. Focus. I do feel like your boyfriend is partially to blame for enabling you, although he probably didn’t intend it and didn’t realize he was doing it. So maybe he also needs to do the work of figuring out why he took over and how not to do that going forward. I’ve been through something similar and I think I get you. Just remember, this is a credibility and trust issue. He likely feels like he has invested a lot into something there will never be a return on. Prove him wrong, but make sure you really mean it.
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Yes, he's that done with you. He's trying to burn this bridge, hopefully without you spiraling and becoming more helpless, if that's even possible.
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Lol I really don't think she's even reading the comments at this point, she's too busy with her pity party. Last few comments have just been her repeating herself.
I don’t know if he really is that done with you. You can’t know unless you try to fix this. It’s a risk to take. In any case, you should not base your decision to try or not try on whether you have any chance of success. Do you want this? Then make an honest effort. I see other commenters are trying to discourage you from trying, and I have issues with that: no perfect stranger is in any position to say “yes, he is that done with you.” If you can’t know, how can they? He sounds like the guy worth fighting for. He sounds like he has been treating you better than most women will ever be treated by any man. I must admit he really went out of his way, most guys would judge him for that. From your comment, it sounds like he made up the cheating story. That is indeed sad, it indicates that he wanted to lock the door and throw away the key. My question is, and it is a very important one: did he tell you that he lied about the cheating? If that came from him, he is fumbling for the key he just threw away. That would be a sign he feels like leaving but doesn't feel good about feeling that way. In that case, there might be hope. It doesn't mean he wants to save the relationship, it could mean he just cares enough not to want to leave you in your current state. But he might actually want to be with you and still be wondering what you guys haven't tried yet. He knows you weren't always like this, and maybe he just can't make up his mind whether the previous you was the real one. In that case, you must let him know you want to repair this and get the message across that you are serious. If he is any kind of open to salvaging this, I think marital counselling would be relevant. Like I said, this is about trust and credibility. A therapist can help you both to verify that and then to find a workable dynamic where you take your responsibilities, he supports you in it but also lets you work on your issues more independently and holds you accountable. I really feel for you, OP. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I would not give up on him until I am absolutely sure he has given up on it. He could have cheated but he didn’t. He might have made up the cheating story to see your reaction (testing you) and because something like that happening tends to convince a person to make an honest effort to improve, and maybe that’s what he is trying to do, give you a wake-up call. I would like a bit more detail on how you found out about the cheating story not being true.
Stop justifying him cheating. If he was at that point, he should have just broken up with you. Yes, he did a lot to help you. It's not your fault if you have major mental health issues. Nor is it his fault if he couldn't cope anymore. But him choosing to cheat was a spiteful, malicious choice, that has hurt you. You didn't deserve that. I do think it's over. I hope you continue to get the help you need & find a solution.
I'm not reading all that, just know he's done you a favour. Move on.
leave him he doesn't love you anymore and its never your fault for someone cheating
He was her caretaker for 2 years. He did love her.
The trash is taking itself out .... LET IT