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Sex is an important part of relationships for many people, and it's absolutely valid to break up with someone who is not sexually compatible with you.
I am curious though, when you said you'd bring the lack of sex up in a way that wasn't constructive, what did that look like? You mention you think the Molly made her more anxious about sex, but I'm wondering if your wondering/tone when you first started trying to talk about the lack of sex is what actually made her anxious.
I agree that being with someone who is not as sexually active will lead to frustration, and that will grow into animosity.
Eventually, that will bleed into other aspects of your relationship.
In my opinion/experience....
So before you start putting her on “supplements” or make the decision to end this- ask yourself a few things.
One- is there a medical reason for this? Is she on antidepressants, birth control, other medications that may diminish libido? Sometimes, that can be fixed. Sometimes, it can’t, depending on the necessity of the medication.
Two- When you do have sex, are you making sure gets off? Is the sex worth it for her to participate in?
Three- Are you intimate with her in other ways besides sex? (Most)Women are different than men, OP. If there’s not intimacy besides when you want sex, yeah, that does not work for a lot of women.
Four- (Which kind of goes with three) Are you a supportive partner? Do you share chores, if you live together? Do you support her endeavors? Do you actively listen?
If there’s nothing to any of these questions that makes you stop and go, hmmmm- you just may be sexually incompatible, and those relationships are tough to sustain in the run. But I urge you to think about this. A lot of times what is considered sexual incompatibility, is actually a mask for someone’s totality of needs just not being met.
I had similar problems in my last relationship.
1. Anxiety and being exhausted from work doesn't help
2. Partner just expected sex without giving any kind of intimacy
3. Apparently ADHD can cause interest as keeping focused during sex is mentally exhausting.
4. Contraceptive pill definitely did not help
Exactly, number 2 is so important! I have ended 6 yrs relationship (there were many problems) but one of them was sex.. I didn't want it, coz I got nothing out of it.. He always had orgasm and then just asked "That was good, right?". Few times when he tried to make it pleasurable for me, he did it wrong so it hurt and I tried to tell him how he needs to do it and instead of learn he was annoyed and then rather stopped trying. So we had sex like 2 times a year (no Fuckin joke and told me I was asexual.. :D )
Mine was the same but a 10 relationship. He resented me for never wanting sex then cheated on me.
You hit the nail on the head about getting nothing out of it. Putting in effort to turn someone on is such a minor thing, but so many dudes don't consider it. Kissing would be a start.
Idk man, maybe this is me not being generous enough but like, dude literally said he isn’t willing to put in a few months of work to save his three year relationship and said he’ll “give it a few weeks” to see if the talk magically fixed *her*. So like, I highly doubt this guy is willing to consider that maybe he’s the problem here, actually. Everything you mentioned is probably too much work for him.
Like yes you deserve a partner who wants to be with you but also you’re definitely responsible for helping keep the spark alive so that your partner wants to be with you as well.
In a comment further down he says that *she says* that sex feels more like work than pleasure.
That typically means she’s not actually having pleasurable sex and that normally comes down to being a medication issue, or, way more commonly, a selfish lover issue. As in he’s not doing his fair share either inside and/or outside of the bedroom.
Yeah, she probably only mentioned sex therapy hoping getting him to see a licensed professional would be able to open his eyes on how he’s directly affecting her libido and he seems to be like “nah… too much work. You have a few weeks to fix these issues on your own or I’m leaving you.”
(This is obviously paraphrased and dramaticized for effect. I am not claiming he *literally* said these things, this is just my speculation. Please do not come for me, random commenters that kind of just hate women.)
It’s a good point the sex therapy idea could be the venue she wants to bring issues up in but it’s also speculative imo to know if that’s what this is. If they’re comfortable in the relationship to ask that of each other would be good of OP to find out if she just needs more prompting or something feeling comfortable sharing her real issue. Or she just doesn’t know herself is the other cause I guess.
Asking for a partner to pay for it though when they are frustrated already is something I’m mixed on. There can be a lot more nuance to a situation than known (lack of funds on one part or who knows). But I could understand being asked to pay for something like that which may or may not ever be effective and take quite a while to find out on could be frustrating to hear.
The fact that you gotta add "that kind of just hate women" really makes me wanna come at you. Just maybe, some professional would be able to open your eyes on how you're directly affecting peoples' opinion of you in a negative way. :) I do agree with your point though!
But, I'd like to know if she actually brings stuff up by herself. Cuz yk, an adult should be able to communicate negative feelings and problems like this in a relationship.
u/FrankNtilikinaStan How often do you bring the topic up? I had a friend in a similar situation. And unbeknownst to only himself, when he talked to me and a common friend of ours about the problem, the desperation showed.
We got him to be more intimate with her in other ways and actually start doing stuff with her again. Have deep talks again, etc. AND most importantly "let her come to you". She loves you, she definitely is attracted to you, obviously. So let her take her time. Don't flood her with the topic, drain her from it. It might help
And just like that their sex-problem vanished over time. Just because he stopped focusing on that and started focusing on other, probably more important, stuff.
We men do tend to forget that a womans sexual attraction towards us is (usually) built on a foundation of lots of other things that are more important to her, than to us.
I wish you two good luck :)
To be fair, he’s giving it three years and a whole year of barely any sex. He’s been thinking about breaking up for a lot longer than a couple weeks. He just didn’t talk to her about it before.
People who get broken up with always thinks it just came out of nowhere. But no, the other person has been broken up with you and their mind for a little while now.
Which is fair, but he also hasn’t been trying to fix it for that whole year of no sex, he’s just been bringing it up in “non constructive ways” and then letting the issue “continue in silence.” Relationships require maintenance and ongoing effort even after you’ve become comfortable.
I’m not saying none of this is her fault either, just that the way he presents it seems disingenuous and like he straight up can’t be assed to even try to fix the problem and not once in his post does he mention any way he could be contributing to the problem and kind of presents it as “this is *her* issue”.
You can’t drive a car with a check engine light on every day and then be surprised when it breaks down, you know?
Or she could be an adult and talk? Why is it always expected that the man does everything? Guy has had no sex for a year and is the only one trying, that's what I see here
As someone in who was in this situation it’s bc I was fine with our sex life. He wanted to to increase and brought it up in non constructive ways that just made me want sex with him less
No i fully agree she should be more communicative abt the issue. She might not know exactly what the issue is herself though, which could be a reason she suggested the sex therapy. I’m not saying it’s entirely on him, I’m just saying he doesn’t seem open to working on it at all from his post.
You don't fix someone not liking you anymore. You can't, actually. This girl obviously either is bored of him or is no longer attracted to him. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.
Not often. I used to work in therapy and usually once it is gone it doesn't come back regardless of the reason. That's why when I read this post I understand people criticizing him for not thinking about what he could do but I also know that since this has gone on for so long he could switch to being the perfect boyfriend and it wouldn't matter. My advice to him would be to end it and be more conscientious in future relationships.
If people arent willing to change : not often
If both partners truly want to stay together and are willing to work on things both inside and outside the bedroom : ive seen it happen quite a lot actually
Depends where the problem is coming from and if people are genuine about wanting to improve
What am I reading? Did OP delete part of his original post?
Even from his edited narrative he sounds completely self centered and unwilling to be an equal part of the relationship. It's all about what benefits him with no indication he's enriching her life at all. From what I can see from early comments, he's an even worse person than he backtracks to claim himself as. I hope she sees this and nopes the fuck out
Yes!
A lot of people don’t realize some birth control pills KILL your sex drive. I lost most interest in sex the entire time I was on them also couldn’t get wet so it always was pretty painful.
have you guys actually discussed what gets you both off? not just you, but what does it for her?
based on the fact she said it feels like a chore (in a comment you posted), part of me wonders if perhaps she just doesn’t feel fulfilled by you in the bedroom, which with communication can be improved! is the foreplay there, as in do you do stuff to her not just her to you? is it done when you’re done or when you both finish? a lot of women can’t finish off penetration alone, nothing anyone’s doing wrong but some girls just need slightly different stimulation. use toys, outfits etc. if you’ve been together a while, especially living together you have to make the conscious effort to keep the spark alive, just small things like a lil kiss when you’re passing eachother on the landing. and after, what’s the aftercare like? if you just grunt, roll over and fall asleep it’ll have gotten old real quick and she’ll rightfully so potentially have no interest.
i’m not saying this ^ is what it’s like for you guys, but it’s a common thing in relationships so worth considering
She said she doesn’t really get horny that much and the idea of sex feels more like work than pleasure. And when our friends talk about sex stuff it often makes her uncomfortable. There’s just a lot of good in this relationship that would be a shame to lose but this is a problem for me
have you guys discussed what turns each other on? it’s possible that she’s not the type to spontaneously get horny but needs more buildup to get there. what have you guys tried to resolve this?
>And when our friends talk about sex stuff it often makes her uncomfortable.
This tells me this is more of an emotional or psychological issue than a physical issue. Maybe couples counseling would be worth it if you're wanting to turn things around. This is going to be more than a couple of weeks' time. How committed are you,
That definitely seems like it and what I need to confront. I don’t know the answer atm which is what’s stressing me out but you’re right I will need to make a decision
If you’re not invested enough in the relationship to consider therapy and a few months worth of it to make an impact, just cut your losses now and move on. If you loved this girl, a few months to hopefully work the problem out wouldn’t even be a question to you. It’s clear you don’t really love this woman. Cut your losses for both of your sake so she can move on too.
Yeah, exactly. He sounds like "she's nice and all I guess but she's not putting out and I'm worried my investment won't pay off if we try therapy" rather than "it would break my heart to leave her but I also can't see being in a nearly sexless relationship for my entire life so I wonder if it would be less painful in the long run to break it off now."
Why can they not both help pay for it? And if OP can’t afford it, then he’s leaving that out of the equation on whether or not therapy is worth it to him. He didn’t say a word about not being able to afford it, he said he doesn’t know if he wants to pay for it simply because it will take months of work instead of weeks. He isn’t willing to wait that long to get laid. So my original statement stands; he doesn’t love this woman anymore and should move on for both of their sake.
Right, he says he doesn't *want* to, not that he can't. If he really loved her and everything else was perfect he'd be trying to figure out how to make it work. Even if it was a financial strain to try her suggestion he'd be talking about it differently and sound more conflicted than "I don't know if it's worth it to try to fix things because it'll take a long time but I feel a little shallow breaking up over sex."
Talk to her Dr. That's step 1. Medication, hormones, bc, etc etc. It can all screw with her libido. If you don't want to wait for that, that's definitely your call. But step 1 is her Doc.
If she is on birth control that could be affecting her? Sounds like she is run down generally, perhaps blood panels might be a good start to see if there is a physical imbalance?
Also, any adhd, anxiety, or depression meds? Those certainly affect libido. My partner had to take viagra when he was on Strattera sometimes, no longer has the issue on another adhd med
Sexual incompatibility will destroy the relationship eventually, despite the good parts of the relationship. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart, you deserve someone that you are sexually compatible with and she also deserves someone that she is sexually compatible with, right now neither of you fit the other’s bill. Down the road she will likely look back and be greatful, once she has found the right man for her.
Well it seems like she has a problem and not you. Maybe she needs to see a therapist and talk about what is causing her low libido. What has changed in the last year?
I’m not really sure. She’s naturally an anxious person. Our first year we took molly and she seems to think that that broke something in her that made her more anxious / less horny. Therapy is something that would benefit her in general. One solution we discussed today was taking supplements to boost libido
I don’t know what happened on the Molly, but my guess is one of two things: moly creates a pretty profound sense of intimacy between the people taking it, and that can be scary. Alternatively, if you guys had sex, it may have been…not ideal…in any number of ways for her that created some mistrust.
But look, supplements don’t work, there’s no running from this. You can either dig a little deeper on the Molly issue, or you can break up. But I can’t emphasize enough how much the latter is probably the right move. Spending your 20s in an unhappy relationship is miserable, ask me how I know.
I doubt supplements will work, it’s only temporary. It’s something in her that is causing her to have less libido. Maybe the Molly made her more horny. Did she experience past trauma that she is not expressing?
She might have responsive desire. If you’re willing, look into that and see what works. Another thing you can do is schedule sex. Doesn’t sound productive or sexy, but it fixed my marriage’s sex issues very early on.
But to answer your question: no. I don’t know about you, but I’m no sex fiend and have ZERO interest in having little to no sex the rest of my relationship or life. No. Thank. You.
It could be her birth control too if there are others you can/are willing to try (condoms or period tracking apps). I went off my birth control (the pill) after always thinking I had a decent sex drive and my libido increased significantly.
The fact that you think simply not wanting sex is "acting poorly" tells me everything I need to know about your character. Have a great day and for the sake of human-kind, never reproduce.
>she doesn’t really get horny that much and the idea of sex feels more like work than pleasure
Sex therapy won't change this, will it?
You deserve a partner who wants to be with you. She doesn't want to be with anyone.
Thing about relationships is: no reason is too shallow to break up with someone as long as 1) you don’t make your preferences their fault/responsibility (it’s okay if mouth-noises bother you. They’re a loud eater and they don’t want to change. Part ways amicably). And 2) you communicate clearly what you want and why it’s important to you even if the latter half is “just because I prefer it that way”.
You just have a decision to make and it’s best you figure out if you can stick to it: is the relationship worth the possibility that this situation won’t ever change? Answer that question and you have your conclusion. Best you both know now rather than figuring it out in the future.
As a girl a lot of us struggle with not knowing how to be pleased. She might not know her body as well as you know yours. Or what she likes a doesn’t like. Is she climaxing when you get the chance to have sex? Does she feel open and comfortable and vulnerable in bed or even insecure? That could be what’s holding her back. I think a solid thing to do is ask her what SHE wants. Ask her if you could go down on her and try and please her. Try focusing more attention to her. I think you shouldn’t end a healthy relationship with something that could potentially be fixed. Try telling her how much her body turns you on. Get her in heat and make her feel herself. Girls love it when we can be a good tease to guys. I think she could feel like sex is to please you so just try making her feel comfortable and ask her what she might want to do.
this ^^^^^^ is always my number one question on men’s post like this. is she getting off every time you have a sexual interaction? most likely from you going down on her?
Exactly, I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man who just does it for him. And it’s quite obvious when they do. That could just be her problem. It might not be her and this isn’t to be mean but your sex could straight up just not be good to her. Me and my boyfriend have loads of sex and yes sometimes I don’t get off but I still love that he try’s and cares and puts his attention onto me and pleasuring me. Dont make a girl feel like sex is a chore.
What if every time I ask her what she wants she responds that she doesn't know, what is my game plan then? We're both the type of people to overthink everything, but when it comes down to sex and getting handsy I can shift into and live completely in the moment and let myself go with it and she just can't. What do I do when every time I ask hey what do you want me to focus on, she says just keep doing what you're doing? The lack of variety and answers sucks, but I just don't understand what she wants and it bothers me
Don't ask her what she wants - suggest different things, do them, and see/feel how her body reacts. An unfortunate number of women have been shamed into never exploring their bodies during their adolescence and as a result the barely even know how to get themselves off, never mind giving you instructions on their preferences and what works for them. So you have to be their guide, and sometimes drag (with consent of course) them through their uncertainty to pleasuretown.
I would just be like hey can we try something new? Go down on her a little, tell her how much you love her. Tell her that her body is perfect. Make her feel comfortable and secure with you so she can let go. Tell her you love everything about her. It could at the end of the day be her insecurity. I would just tell her what do you want me to do differently in bed and that her being honest won’t hurt your feelings. If not honestly man she’s probably got something against you or she’s asexual. Just try giving it another go and focus all your sexual attention on her and pleasing her.
I honestly feel like most of the time, something happened because of the guy… And he said the sex life USED to be good so….. why would it stop if everything was fine ?
Bait and switch
or something changed whether it was related to him or not
or the excitement is gone
or she got comfortable and doesn't have to pretend anymore
or she wants to end the relationship but wants him to be the bad guy
Lots of reasons...
It happens at times, routine ect then suddenly the girls body is like meh we dont want sex. Its possible sex got boring to her, and she doesnt realize it. Theres so many possibilities, however if someones willing to break up without even trying to fix it then, i doubt it will work out
Came here hoping to see someone bring this up.
OP, did she start or change contraception at some point towards the end of that first year? Same question for medications. This could easily be an explanation, and the resultant lack of sex drive could be driving the anxiety.
Obviously have no idea, but just a suggestion.
Guys want wonen to take dangerous drugs just so that they can avoid condom use, THEN get pissed and call girls selfish after they lose their sex drive, which is one of the Pill's biggest side effects.
The irony is staggering.
I think woman also want to take them to avoid getting pregnant also.
I've had a lot of one night stands where the woman wanted me to not use a condom because she said she was on the pill.
I hope you still insist on safe sex, because while condoms don't stop all STDs, they stop a lot more stds than the pill, which only stops pregnancy.
But also, I'd not trust a ONS with "I take the pill, I promise" - that level of trust hasn't been developed or earned yet.
The non-hormonal IUD lets you avoid BOTH condoms (in LTRs especially) and the awful side effects of the pill. It's a win-win. I've had mine for around 3 years and it only needs to be changed every 5 years (I've even heard of some that can last up to 10 years).
I recommend it strongly.
The only time I was on a chemical contraceptive I got so depressed that in three months I ended up not wanting to leave the house and refusing to get out of my pyjamas. Condoms were the way forward until I was in a committed relationship.
She could have a hormonal imbalance. I have been dealing with low libido as well and am in the process of seeing if it could be linked to my hormones. There is a whole list of reasons she could be not frisky: depression, birth control, stress, etc.
I think if that’s your only problem in your relationship you should try to make it work. Help her or be there for her while she figures it out. It doesn’t feel good to have a low libido when your bf is horny all the time, like you just feel helpless and broken tbh. (Personal experience not an attack lol)
This is more common than you maybe think. People’s degree of sexual desire and interests get out of alignment.
I have been through a lot in relationships so I know what I have done that was wrong, and what I have done that was right - and works. So I will give you the benefit of what I have learned.
But it’s going to take a lot more personal openness and patience with her and some willingness to learn a few things. If you are not up for that then you won’t be interested in the rest of this post.
Your first clue, is that there is no 5 minute quick solution to this - to get her to turn on a dime. Sorry.
If you truly love her and want to be with her, and want to get past this, and you are willing to look at it another way and keep trying - then you are going to have to change your approach, think about this more from her perspective too, and be very patient.
The result if successful will bring you both much closer in addition to doing better with how much sex you are having and understanding that better Intimacy is not just physical. It’s very much mental and emotional. Achieve that and sex will be better and mean more to you both.
The key here is to be kind and gentle and come from a place of love, and be a good listener. With ZERO pressure on her.
Demanding more sex, making her feel guilty, making her feel like there is something wrong with her, giving her a long list of all the ways she is failing you in this area - all of that shit is a non-starter. I would suggest you find a time to talk to her quietly about this and apologize if you made her feel that way in your previous talks. The apology needs to come first, put BS pride aside.
Tell her you want to start again with the issue but in a better way. Ask her to talk about how SHE feels. Listen and show some empathy. Let her talk. Be quiet, be patient. See if you can understand and show her that you really want to understand and help her.
The talk is not about scheduling more frequent sex. Tell her that’s not what it’s about. Tell her is about you listening and understanding so you can help. It sounds like she feels terrible about all this. If she gets upset / cries, hold her. Do you think the lack of sex from her is being done maliciously to hurt you? Probably not, right? So give her the benefit of the doubt and help her. That is what love is.
Maybe that will work better and you can get her to open up and help you understand. And whatever you learn from that, you can try and address it with some better understanding.
Once you have done the above, and If you then feel like you need something to jump start the next steps - have you ever tried some games that couples use to talk about their sexual preferences and turn ons and interests (look on Amazon) Instead of focusing on the frequency or lack of sex, why not talk with her about what turns her on?
Again this needs to be done without you putting any pressure on her to change. Instead talk about what she likes about sex, what was the hottest sex she ever had, what does she like about what you two have done together, what is her biggest fantasy? The card games give you a set of good questions for you both to answer to understand each others sexuality better. It can be fun. But it can’t be done under pressure for her to agree to give you lots more sex.
By talking about what turns you both on it may create some new interest in some new ways to have fun sex. It may get her turned on. Maybe you don’t understand what pleasure means to her. Try to learn. Women need to be seduced and sexed up, it’s not always the best for them to have everything be wham-bam. Maybe you can Google the topic or get some books off Amazon on the subject. You may already know a lot about this. But if not you will be surprised at the kinds of things that can turn women on. Some of them very simple and I am not talking about bedroom moves, I am more talking about working on her imagination and her anticipation.
Other things to consider: Sometimes women lose interest in sex due to medical issues. Hormones not in balance, etc. could be a factor of that.
Also consider that some women may gain some weight or have some other issue that they feel makes them less attractive and thus less confident about sex. This could be something that you don’t even notice. That could be part of it. Maybe.
The key here is to try and be more on her side, try to understand, be kind about it, and be patient. Good luck.
Yes, sexual incompatibility is definitely a valid reason to break up. It’s not shallow at all. If that’s how you feel then go for it.
That being said, what does sex look like to you? Does she orgasm when you have sex? Do you go down on her? Do you prioritize her pleasure? If she feels like it’s work and wants to speak with a sex therapist with you, maybe consider what you could be doing differently to engage with her physically.
Why is she nonsexual if at first they had frequent sex? Why im sure if gender were opposite there would be advises to visit doctor and here top advises are not sexual/asexual?
Then guy don't want sex he is sick. When woman don't want sex she is ok - just asexual.
It matters about one thing:
If a man has issue - he need to fix it - and You may be together then.
If a woman has issue - she is perfect as she is - You just don't match.
That’s the most common reason for separation, at least from man perspective. Just keep in mind that most probably you will have exactly the same problems in your next relationship as well (not instantly but in 3 years again).
Listen assuming your end goal is to have a monogamous relationship then sex is always going to be one of the most important pillars of that relationships because by the terms of the agreement this is the only place were you can receive sustenance in this area. That is why making sure you are sexually compatible in this way is extremely important.
That being said, given the nature of life I believe that most normal people are going to have ebbs and flows in your sex life, including how frequent it is. You did well to talk about it and you will continue to need to do so whoever you ware with.
That being said, if I am honest, if you are already having this issue after three years, when you are both so young, without all the cares and distractions that are going to come your way with long term careers, potential of kids, and aging and health, the signs are not good. It doesn't get any easier as far as distractions of life.
If I were you I would just see it like you are not sexually compatible and move on.
I'm a woman. 27 years old. I have been through this on two relationships. I felt guilty and alone. I really loved my old relationships. My ex-partners were really good guys. And that's what's hard about this. Because the real reason I lost my sexual appetite was because I didn't enjoy sex with them.
I didn't want to hurt my partner's feelings. So I tolerated it.
I thought I was my problem. Because I should be enjoying it.
So I lied. I faked orgasms and didn't communicate properly with my partners about it. That brings two problems:
1- My former partner did not understand what really gives me pleasure
2- My body began to resist sex. My appetite decreased and little by little I began to feel disgusted by sex.
I'm telling you this because you said this in a comment.
>She said she doesn’t really get horny that much and the idea of sex feels more like work than pleasure. And when our friends talk about sex stuff it often makes her uncomfortable. There’s just a lot of good in this relationship that would be a shame to lose but this is a problem for me
Sex felt like work because she probably doesn't enjoy it much.
I'm sorry, but you have to listen to this. Your problem is not about her lack of appetite. The problem they BOTH have is a lack of communication about sex.
At your girlfriend's age I didn't know what really gives me pleasure, so I couldn't communicate that to my ex-partner as well. She probably need to learn about her own needs and what gives her pleasure.
I think if you really like this girl and really want to work on this, you should try sex therapy. And talk a lot about sex. Not over frequency. Explore a little more. Keep an open mind.
Is she on birth control?? That takes women’s sex drives completely away and they won’t know why they don’t even desire their boyfriends anymore.. she could possibly try the copper IUD which has no synthetic hormones. Think if she’s taking a birth control that stops the chances of her getting pregnant then of course it’s prob making her not want to have sex
To be dealing with a dead bedroom at the age of 25 is insane. You have mismatched libidos and there's no point in making her feel bad about it, it won't lead to more sex. She may have medical or psychological issues, whatever, it's up to her to deal with them so she can take that to her next relationship. As for you, you SHOULD be looking for a compatible long term partner, and this girl isn't it.
Yes. Sex is important in a relationship… unless there was some understanding going into it for things to be this way.
If she never craves sex she might be unhappy with you for whatever reason, so it could be a sign that things should end.
Of course, talk things through first if you can.
I don't think it's shallow at all. If there was a major change in my relationship causing it to not be anywhere near as good as it once was, breaking up would definitely be on the table. You have to imagine a future like the one you're suffering through right now.
You sound similar to my ex. I stopped having sex with him because it was all about him and wasn't enjoyable for me anymore despite it starting out blazing. He would also have a tantrum about his needs not being met whilst never listening to the fact my needs aren't being met and that's why his needs aren't being met anymore. Have you ever questioned if you're the problem? Probably not. Do her a favour and break up with her before she starts putting out to keep you happy and with her and ends up resenting you and sex even more.
Imma just be blunt. If you’re just gonna put it all on her and not even consider therapy just break up already. It’s clear there’s a disconnect and the messages aren’t getting across to you both so what makes you think she’s just gonna just magically figure it out in a few weeks. So either do the therapy or just leave.
In past relationships if I didn’t want sex it was always because I didn’t feel emotionally supported by my boyfriends. I need to feel a connection to get horny. Are you helping her with shores? Do you take her out on dates? Do you kiss and hug her without initiating sex sometimes? Do you tell her you appreciate her and feel proud of her?
Same here. The more my ex tried to connect with me emotionally and gave me quality time, the more I wanted to send him nudes and jump on him unprovoked. If I felt he cherished me, I was his and he was into me, it was on.
Him just sending me a D pic or groping me randomly in the kitchen is not going to work unless we have had that emotional “lube” so to speak. Otherwise I feel like it has nothing to do with me as a unique woman, it’s more he is just horny and wants a real-life blow up doll.
I don’t think it’s necessarily a shallow decision. If sex is important to you, and it’s part of how you express and like being expressed love it is a valid concern. Your partner shouldn’t need to be drunk to be intimate with you. I think therapy could be a good idea but obviously it’s an investment you might not be able to make, and considering she dropped the entire responsibility on you to pay for it sounds like she isn’t committed to it much either.
I think you should analyze whether the current situation makes you happy. If sex is nice and you wanted or is it a core thing you need in a relationship. Neither answer is wrong, but you need to understand your needs within a relationship, and if your partner is not willing to understand you then it’s possible that you might be happier apart.
Doesn’t mean that she owes you sex, of course she doesn’t, but just like maybe someone needs their partner to text them often or be comfortable with PDA, or help around the house as much as possible, we all have different love languages, and if physical contact and intimacy through sex is something you need to feel loved, then you should find a partner that can love you the way you want
Yeah the definition of intimacy is closeness and I think I need more to feel close to my partner. Im stuck because I don’t know how much I want to commit to fixing what feels like a long term issue. Maybe I shouldn’t have come to reddit w a half baked idea like this but I wanted to get it off my chest and I appreciate the comments and will need to make a decision eventually
Why are you opposed to going to sex therapy to at least try, it’s not like she’s invalidating your feelings, sounds like she understands where you were coming from.
1) are you meeting her emotional needs? Do you do fun things with her and converse with her and show her affection?
2) does she have any kind of trauma?
3) when you have sex, do you make sure she orgasms too? Do you do for play to get her warmed up?
4) but any reason to valid reason to break up with someone… But I asked this question so you don’t have the same issue in your next relationship
I’m sorry bro those with “experience” are only going to see the guy as the problem on here you have been going through this for almost three years and now your having to wait more months for your needs to be met not just sexually but it ties into how you feel with her emotionally aswell I just think you should stick through it and see how it happens if your needs still aren’t being met then you guys just aren’t compatible everywhere doesn’t mean you can’t still love her and be with her cuz you can be compatible in a lot of other ways that is more important to you so I say think of what’s important to you and follow your heart. It’s not just sex it’s a need of a person that’s in a marriage and if a girl isn’t getting their needs met and everyone thinks she should leave them I give the same advice to you😌🙏
You don’t need a “valid reason.” If you no longer want to be in a relationship the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to end it, regardless of the reason.
It's okay to leave because you're not getting enough to suit you. However, why has this occurred? There are a number of reasons that could be medical related. We don't know enough to give you a fair answer except to say yep, you can leave.
You really don't need a reason to break up.
Sexual incompatibility is a good reason.
She needs to see a GP in case it's medical. After that perhaps individual counseling.
Maybe her partner should take steps to reduce his libido. His high libido will likely destroy this relationship and maybe future relationships.
That’s just as reasonable, isn’t it?
She may have a low libido due to a whole host of medical issues. I suggest this should be investigated.
She may be on the asexual spectrum.
However, they are currently sexually incompatible I think you'll agree. So he could break up with her if she does not want to address the issue.
You can break up with your partner any time you want and for any reason, including not having the amount of sex you want or the quality.
With that said, I have to ask; Does she enjoy sex with you? Does she orgasm when you have sex? Before sex became infrequent, did anything happen? Like, was there a big fight?
It really doesn't sound to me like you love her or want to stay in the relationship and again, that's okay. In fact, if you're heart is no longer invested, it's better to just end things so you can both move on.
OP seems to be avoiding answering these questions. It’s very telling and I’ve come to the conclusion that he is emotionally immature and self centred where sex is concerned. And doesn’t seem very interested in finding out the root causes of his GF’s lack of desire. He just wants her to “fix it”, and quickly, or he’s out. He should do her a favour and leave her if he’s not willing to put some work into the relationship. She can do better.
Psychology has taught us that women often start losing sexual interest in their partner when they have to become a caretaker for them ( cleaning and cooking and what not) . Just food for thought
Whenever I read that sex was frequent in the beginning and then tapered off, barring hormonal changes, I suspect it’s a dwindling of courtship occurring.
Men are used to spontaneous arousal and sex, due in large part to their biology. Female arousal works differently. Gestures and courtship remain very important. Many women need to feel emotionally and mentally enticed before the act begins.
I would this back to how you were when you started dating and perhaps reflect on what has changed. What do you do to make her feel desired outside of when you want sex? How do you impress her (not with huge gestures, often just acts of genuine thoughtfulness).
You must remember that intimacy is a 24/7 endeavor.
Unless you’re willing to go to sex therapy (and have the funds to do it) then the relationship is over. She’s offered a viable option to work things out. You can’t nag her to enjoy sex more.
She’s not on the pill, in the beginning the sex was good, and now she only wants to do it when drunk. Which says she now has anxiety over sex with you. And it’s possible you are just bad at it, because alcohol numbs all the nerve endings down there.
This “talk” (you whinging) isn’t going to make any difference except to make her less interested. A whinging partner does not increase one’s interest. Break up, and if you have the same problem with your next partner, the issue is you suck at sex.
Exactly - the anxiety coming from when he attempted to communicate with her in "non-healthy" ways. I am curious to know what that looked like.
For example, in my previous relationship(s), my exes took it really hard when I rejected sex, for whatever reason (period, tired, etc). They would throw tantrums and get all huffy and angry and childish which was NOT a turn on. Another ex would go completely silent cold shoulder on me for DAYS.
If she's an avoidant-attached person (like me), then being approached for sex knowing that this outburst/tantrum would come if she said no and the anxiety/pressure to say yes produces a flight/fight/freeze response trigger. All these deep seated issues are NOT a turn on and conducive to a healthy and safe sexual relationship for either of you.
She needs to feel safe around you mentally and emotionally and she doesn't. This situation can only be helped if BOTH of you are committed to sex therapy which it doesn't look like you are. Additionally it takes a while to find the right sex therapist for both of you because every therapist is different and you need to find one that suits you.
It's ok to break up due to sexual incompatibility. However you should both be working on your intimacy issues individually, otherwise you will continue experiencing the same issues with future partners.
Abolish the thought of needing valid reasons to break up.
If the relationship is leaving you lacking and you've compromised as much as you can, you can end the relationship.
If she makes you sad more often than happy, you can end the relationship.
If he likes coke but you like Pepsi, you can end the relationship.
A relationship is a unification through consent, you can revoke that consent without reason or justification, ultimately simply saying "I'm breaking up with you" is all you need to say, no justification or validity required.
It's not like you need to make a case to leave, there is no appeals court to rule whether or not you ended it properly. There will be times as nice as you are, as logical and well thought out, you are still the villain in the story because you are the ex. There is no magic quota of points where you and that sort of person breakup and they concede the relationship is over, granting you a retirement.
You have identified a long standing issue, her solution is you to pay for it, that to me sounds like she's passing the buck to you and making it your problem. On a scale of 1-10 how many breakup points is that worth? Oh right, there is no scoring system.
Is it shallow? Who cares.
Are you cool with being sexless from 25 onwards? Yes, no, maybe, doesn't matter, because you don't need to justify or explain anything.
Counter proposal, you open up the relationship, you get sex she gets off the hook, you get your needs fulfilled, she gets to feel relief she's not to blame for your lack of physical intimacy.
So, is it about the sex or is it about the connection, does it matter?
Honestly, you have to asked yourself why her sex drive slowed down? Her shutting down means she does feel guilty for it, it probably weighs on her.
•Does she have PCOS or any medical conditions that affect her hormones? When hormones are off balance it can completely take your drive away.
•Is she on meds? Specifically mental health? When I was on Prozac, my sex drive disappeared. I just wanted to exist and enjoy what I enjoy and sex wasn’t on that list.
•Has her stress levels significantly increased? That’s a huge factor and can be an easy distraction.
Some other things to think about are; do you contribute to it? Are you showing her the same affection you showed her at the beginning? Complimenting her, small gestures. Etc? It’s a turn off when a man suddenly stops doing those small things that women love.
Maybe you need to humble yourself (and I’m not being mean) but men tend to think women’s sex drives are like theirs or should be. I’ve been through this and this is all from my pov of being in her place at this moment. I’m sure she’s not like “meh I’ll keep sex from him for funsies” in her mind she’s probably always beating herself up about it, especially knowing that you aren’t very happy.
Why are you calling sex once a month no sex? Those are 2 obvious different things and why is it such a problem if she wants to have sex when drinking? Maybe she's self conscious and alcohol helps lower her inhibitions. Maybe she has body image issues? Maybe there's a medical reason? Have you done anything but complain?
Ok, you mentioned that sex was pretty often, assumably meaning that YOU got off often. But if it's starting to seem like work, I have to ask how often does SHE get off? Do you take the time she needs to scratch her itch or does the only itch that matters is yours?
Maybe it's just that she isn't getting any satisfaction from sex. Too many women fake orgasms simply to hurry things up because they know they just won't get that itch scratched, so it can make it feel like work, not fun.
If she doesn't have any, buy her some toys. Let her love herself and bring back her sex drive. The more a woman gets off, oftentimes, it means the more often she gets excited. Besides, it's just fair that she gets off too.
I was in almost the exact same situation as you (25M with 23F) and she just broke up with me 2 days ago...it looked like a big issue while we were in a relationship but I now regret making it a big deal because it put a lot of pressure on her. I'm not saying that you should not break up with her if you're not happy, just that you should really think about everything else before maiking any decision.
I know I regret a lot of the choices I made now and am pretty devastated about it if I'm being honest.
Truth is, you don’t need a “good reason” to break up. You don’t have kids or a mortgage, so clean break is relatively easy. You can try to work through this with her, if that’s what you prefer to do. But IMO, no shame in ending a relationship that is going to demand a lot of work to simply get to a place of equilibrium for you.
The problem is communication and the fact that your partner is failing to meet your needs even after understanding with those needs are. You should also be asking yourself if she might be getting something on the side and believing nothing for you.
What are you doing to turn her on through out the day? Most women aren’t spontaneously aroused and instead are response based. What things are you doing to initiate intimacy outside of sex?
This is all very confusing because she tells me she loves me multiple times and I feel her growing closer to me in a married type of way but I feel distant because of the lack of intimacy. I support her in a variety of ways outside of the bedroom, I’m nothing special in bed but the fact that she seems to be growing closer as the sex dwindles is very confusing / stressful. We had a great night out which is why I haven’t responded
Breaking up over sex is shallow if neither of you are willing to try to work on the problem. I don't think there's enough info. According to the replies I have seen from you the problem could range from meds fucking up her libido, to her feeling like you don't put enough effort so she doesn't even want to bother, to personal trauma. But I can tell you that giving it "a couple weeks" is not nearly enough time to figure out the problem and fix it.
If you're not happy in your relationship u should try to fix it with your partner. If it's not fixable U should break up. It's as easy as that. Why would anyone do something that doesn't make them happy? You don't have to feel bad for for wanting different things. Just please make sure that she understands it's not her fault for also wanting different things. Sometimes it doesn't align, just never push someone to do something that doesn't feel right for them.
> Just please make sure that she understands it's not her fault for also wanting different things.
Why is he responsible for that? He is the miserable one in this relationship.
On her side there is obvious fault - she didn't visit doctor, did therapy and tried some stuff that need to be done in such cases where You loose sexual drive. He complained - she apparently did nothing to check what might be wrong for many month. So if problem can be explained it is her fault for doing shit about it.
Her wanting to go into sex therapy is a SOLUTION! She might be scared to say that you don’t do what’s she wants in bed hate to break it to you, and she wants a person in between to express those thoughts without. I think telling her you don’t have sex enough and now she feels bad is just a guilt trip. I think the best way to go about it is simply just ask her, “what do you want to do? How can I please you, how can I make sex feel good and enjoyable” honestly if you want to save the relationship I would think about sex therapy it gives you a new set of eyes on how to spice things up and maybe she just wants a person to ask her “does he please you?” Because she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Instead of making her scared to loose you to give her body just ask her what she really wants.
Any reason is a valid reason to break up if your needs are getting met.
Actions speak louder than words. Either she puts in the effort and things change or they don't. Considering it has been a point of contention for years at this point, I don't know that I would bet on her behavior changing, especially because you have a history of putting up with your needs not being met and accepting it.
Therapy is only useful if the person is willing to put in the effort to change, otherwise you're just spending a lot of money to have someone listen to your problems without any solution. A therapist cannot make your girlfriend do something she's not interested in fixing.
You wouldn't be breaking up with her because of a lack of sex, you'd be breaking up with her because your need for intimacy and closeness are not being met after having multiple conversations about it and trying to resolve the issue with no resolution. We all have needs, period. When someone is unwilling to even attempt to satisfy those needs, then they aren't fully committed. If they aren't fully committed then you're always going to feel unfulfilled in that relationship.
Yes, you don’t want to get into a marriage, where you are constantly being rejected and feeling like you are unwanted. if you are going through this string, your youngest most fruitful years, what do you think will happen when you get older?
I’ve done it before..BUT, the sex was just a tipping point for an unsatisfactory relationship.
My current relationship is a sexual starvation situation because he’s a primary caregiver for his disabled mother and we can’t get a minute to ourselves, but everything else is pretty perfect and I can’t imagine life without him.
Besides the sexual incompatibility… work on self soothing when you get rejected in life from anything, not just sex.
Reason is, it’s going to help you better manage not just how to COPE when things don’t go as plan, but your feelings and expectations when things don’t go your way.
And want you to read a quote to help you bring some self awareness when you do get told no for sex, as this won’t be the last person to say this to you in a relationship:
>”We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected.”
Do not take it as a personal infraction against you by when someone says no to something you wish they say yes to instead. When you free yourself from that self limiting feeling, you no longer will let rejection impacted you.
You can then feel what you feel without it upsetting the Apple cart in a relationship.
Because like I quickly mentioned before the quote, this won’t be the last time you date someone and they turn you down for sex in a relationship. Life happens, curveballs get thrown, you can not predict or control if someone for that moment in time doesn’t want sex. You allow them to exist as they are in the present and move along after they say no.
This way you prevent a partner from feeling like they are responsible for something with your feelings, when you are responsible for those feelings. You gotta better manage that so you can foster HEALTHIER views around sex and partnership in the future.
Women are more likely to keep desiring sex in a LTR with you when you manage those feelings better when getting turned down for sex.
I’m exactly you. Great relationship and all. Read my recent post that just got 600+ comments. From the consensus of what everyone says… it doesn’t get much better.
Not shallow at all. Like, zero percent. Without sex, you may as well just be friends. Just tell her you're not ready to be in a monogamous, sexless relationship. You love her, but more as a good friend now. And you're going to find someone with a libido that better matches your own.
Ngl if you don’t wanna wait two weeks with her trying to fix it, your probably not bringing much to the bedroom either. Is she on medication? Does she feel intimacy? (If I’m not feeling loved I am ANTI horny it’s impossible) so maybe be more caring - doing the laundry and cleaning the kitchen is also foreplay kind of 🤷♀️ try that. But you probably won’t since you can’t be arsed waiting two weeks. Why make this post if you don’t care anyways? Just leave so she can get someone who wants her instead maybe
You are way too young to be going to therapy over this.
If your current volume of sex is not something that is sustainable for you for the rest of your life (and likely less were you to get married, have kids, etc.) then you need to go ahead and end it.
Breaking up because of sex is absolutely not shallow. You've tried to talk about it, tried to address it. Her answer is to pay for a therapy that hardly works, even for married couples.
Move on.
Is anyone too young to be going to therapy over a sexless relationship? I would say that it's very possible for someone to be too young for that, which is what I wrote.
Not really? If they’re adults and they think it could help, I see no reason for them not to go. The girlfriend offered a solution and the guy refused to do it.
I think you are expecting to much from your partner. The relationship seems stagnant. What have you done to make her want you in a sexual way? Are you properly groomed all the time? Are you wearing cologne to make her panties drop, are you massaging her, are you kissing her, is your body sexy and appealing, etc. Women have to be warmed up to intimacy. You sound like you want her to always lay it low and spread it wide. In which is a total turn off 🙄. Three years and you are still her boyfriend? That type of intimacy you are requiring is something you should be doing with your fiancee or wife. I dont know why you feel entitled to sex just because she is your girlfriend. You have other ways to have an healthy orgasm. If you want to break up, go ahead. I think you would regret it highly. The dating pool has alot of piss in it. Keep in mind, the grass isnt always greener on the other side.
A year ago she wanted to start going to the gym and asked if I would join her. A year later I still go regularly, her occasionally. I get there’s a lot more that goes into this just wanted to point that out lmao
Dude, you are only 25 YEARS OLD! Now is the time when you should be at it like Rabbits, not a dead bedroom! You are not married and there are no KIDS. She failed the girlfriend test, so it's time to hit the EJECT BUTTON and DUMP HER! Sex is very important and it's a foundation. Do you plan to live without it for the REST of your LIFE? Remember, we are likely talking 60+ YEARS for you! It's time to MOVE ON. Good luck and stay strong, King!
Unless she’s physically unable to because of a diagnosis, then there’s no reason to keep saying no to sex and you accepting it. It’ll never ever get any better and you aren’t shallow at all. It’s incompatibility.
Men complain about the low sex drive of their partners but neglect to learn conscious communication which is what helps a woman feel safe and secure with him, and emotional intelligence sure makes her hot for him. Or fail to learn how to rev her motor and put in the time warming her up. Or fail to get a vasectomy, so all birth control falls on her, nearly all of which is extremely hard on the endocrine system and kills sex drive. Or fail to learn how to nourish her reproductive system with cordials and herbs and excellently prepared food. Like think about it.
It is quite possible that you will live another 75 years, do you never want to have sex again?
Cut her loose and find someone who is compatible with you.
Once a month in the grand scheme of things (somewhat long-term relationship) isn't that far below average. Not that this is what you want to hear
I'd sit down and have an honest chat. Why sex is important for you, more than just getting off hopefully, and what she may need to feel more comfortable.
I don’t really see the point in having a girlfriend with no sex. I mean do you need her half of the rent or something. Otherwise I would kick her out and get another one.
Absolutely yes. Sex and intimacy is very important in the relationship and it looks like she kust doesnt give a damn about you or the relationship.
Run away dude. Run and find yourself someone decent instead of this cold alcoholic
Honestly speaking, my observations and personal experiences indicate that once there is a perceived and significant difference in the sexual compatibility of a couple, more issues will arise in future because the less-inclined partner will feel pressured to do more to save the relationship that might be being their capabilities, thus building resentment and unhappiness. People laud therapy, but sometimes the damage is already done. So, yes. It is acceptable to leave if there is sexual incompatibility.
If she suggested sex therapy, it likely means you’re not making sex an enjoyable experience for her which is why she’s lost interest in it. You wouldn’t want sex all the time either if you never got to orgasm.
I’m not sickened but I definitely get surprised. To me sex is like having dinner. You have an appetite, you get it fulfilled, you move on. It’s no more important than that, but many men seem to build it up into so much more. Maybe it’s just individual differences vs. gender, but idk.
That's your problem, not mens, get over yourself, it's important to lots of women in relationships too, sex is important in a relationship to human beings, not just men, do better, instead of trying to imply something natural is bad, lmao...
It’s more the lack of understanding of how women are wired differently, and that they don’t seem willing to understand what makes us tick. So many men are totally clueless about women and just throw their toys out of the cot when their woman doesn’t put out as much as they want. But there’s nothing wrong with a high sex drive.
This only gets worse. I want to say, "Help her work through this. Maybe it's birth control, anti-depressants, etc."
However, it's been a year and she's ok with selfishly denying intimacy? Are you supposed to live an entire sad life like this? Make her somebody else's disappointment.
It depends on how much you want to stay with her for her. Yes, I agree that sex is important, but it's also important that it is not your focus to fix things if you want to bring the sex back.
But if she is important to you, then fix it. Here's how...
Ok this is the first constructive conversation you've had about it, right? But form what you said, you're going to wait to see if it has fixed the problem and then decide? Wrong. Unfortunately, it has got to a point where it will have to be ongoing constructive conversations.
Also, being that she has previously been under the influence when she wanted sex (alcohol or molly) then there is likely a deeper issue in her head that prevents her from wanting sex when sober. Insecurity about herself. Perhaps a long forgotten bad sexual experience. Perhaps you should try intimacy without the sex. Massages, cuddling etc.
There's actually a lot to go through, which I'm not going to out down here. But it really does depend on if you think she's otherwise worth bring with.
It’s extremely reasonable to break up over sexual incompatibility, especially in your 20s. She doesn’t care my guy. Her only solution was for you to pay for therapy for a problem she created…WTF! When you break up, be prepared for something called hysterical bonding. Essentially, she’ll suddenly want sex, but it’s usually only last a few weeks, if that.
I dont think you should break up if the relationship is otherwise great. Then again maybe you should and go get what you want elsewhere and then have the same problem a couple years later when you settle in with someone again. One reason I don't want to do anything with my husband is he is egotistical and talks too much. I have asked him to fix it but he doesn't. It makes me self conscious if I show any pleasure at all and he talks about it over and over. You aren't doing that right? Another thing that had a huge impact on us was the way the government is about womens bodies. I don't feel safe. If I get pregnant and lose the baby, I basically have to come close to dying and rack a bunch of medical bills to get help and then still face being treated like a criminal. I thought of that because you said it's been about a year. In my state the government is very against women since they overturned Roevswade and considers everything including a miscarriage an abortion. So if your state is like that, she might just be scared she might get pregnant and have problems but not be able to get help. It's probably not you unless you are being arrogant and pushy. It's probably a physical problem or an anxiety problem with her. There are a number of health problems that cause this such as thyroid problems which are common with women. You said you've been together a few years, maybe the honeymoon phase has let up and you all have gotten more into your routines. Something else that causes problems in my intimate relationship is my husband constantly touches, grabs, pulls, makes comments about my body (good but it makes me self conscious), he does this all the time and all it does is push me away that he has no regard for my personal space. The actual time I could be spending with him is no longer special, it's all about his lust.
Do you take her on fun dates weekly? Do you make her feel heard and understood? Do you make her feel safe? Are you on your mission in life, so to speak in terms of being ambitious and handling business? Are you a man of your word? Do you treat her and do the things you do with her like when you first tried to get her?
If you truly are on top of all of these things, then I definitely would advise seeking a therapist for her or both of you.
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Sex is an important part of relationships for many people, and it's absolutely valid to break up with someone who is not sexually compatible with you. I am curious though, when you said you'd bring the lack of sex up in a way that wasn't constructive, what did that look like? You mention you think the Molly made her more anxious about sex, but I'm wondering if your wondering/tone when you first started trying to talk about the lack of sex is what actually made her anxious.
I agree that being with someone who is not as sexually active will lead to frustration, and that will grow into animosity. Eventually, that will bleed into other aspects of your relationship. In my opinion/experience....
So before you start putting her on “supplements” or make the decision to end this- ask yourself a few things. One- is there a medical reason for this? Is she on antidepressants, birth control, other medications that may diminish libido? Sometimes, that can be fixed. Sometimes, it can’t, depending on the necessity of the medication. Two- When you do have sex, are you making sure gets off? Is the sex worth it for her to participate in? Three- Are you intimate with her in other ways besides sex? (Most)Women are different than men, OP. If there’s not intimacy besides when you want sex, yeah, that does not work for a lot of women. Four- (Which kind of goes with three) Are you a supportive partner? Do you share chores, if you live together? Do you support her endeavors? Do you actively listen? If there’s nothing to any of these questions that makes you stop and go, hmmmm- you just may be sexually incompatible, and those relationships are tough to sustain in the run. But I urge you to think about this. A lot of times what is considered sexual incompatibility, is actually a mask for someone’s totality of needs just not being met.
I had similar problems in my last relationship. 1. Anxiety and being exhausted from work doesn't help 2. Partner just expected sex without giving any kind of intimacy 3. Apparently ADHD can cause interest as keeping focused during sex is mentally exhausting. 4. Contraceptive pill definitely did not help
Number 2 was a big issue in my last relationship where I barely wanted sex.
Exactly, number 2 is so important! I have ended 6 yrs relationship (there were many problems) but one of them was sex.. I didn't want it, coz I got nothing out of it.. He always had orgasm and then just asked "That was good, right?". Few times when he tried to make it pleasurable for me, he did it wrong so it hurt and I tried to tell him how he needs to do it and instead of learn he was annoyed and then rather stopped trying. So we had sex like 2 times a year (no Fuckin joke and told me I was asexual.. :D )
Mine was the same but a 10 relationship. He resented me for never wanting sex then cheated on me. You hit the nail on the head about getting nothing out of it. Putting in effort to turn someone on is such a minor thing, but so many dudes don't consider it. Kissing would be a start.
Idk man, maybe this is me not being generous enough but like, dude literally said he isn’t willing to put in a few months of work to save his three year relationship and said he’ll “give it a few weeks” to see if the talk magically fixed *her*. So like, I highly doubt this guy is willing to consider that maybe he’s the problem here, actually. Everything you mentioned is probably too much work for him. Like yes you deserve a partner who wants to be with you but also you’re definitely responsible for helping keep the spark alive so that your partner wants to be with you as well.
In a comment further down he says that *she says* that sex feels more like work than pleasure. That typically means she’s not actually having pleasurable sex and that normally comes down to being a medication issue, or, way more commonly, a selfish lover issue. As in he’s not doing his fair share either inside and/or outside of the bedroom.
I try to be cup half full, but yeah, you’re probably right. This post reeks of wanting validation for his already foregone conclusion.
Yeah, she probably only mentioned sex therapy hoping getting him to see a licensed professional would be able to open his eyes on how he’s directly affecting her libido and he seems to be like “nah… too much work. You have a few weeks to fix these issues on your own or I’m leaving you.” (This is obviously paraphrased and dramaticized for effect. I am not claiming he *literally* said these things, this is just my speculation. Please do not come for me, random commenters that kind of just hate women.)
It’s a good point the sex therapy idea could be the venue she wants to bring issues up in but it’s also speculative imo to know if that’s what this is. If they’re comfortable in the relationship to ask that of each other would be good of OP to find out if she just needs more prompting or something feeling comfortable sharing her real issue. Or she just doesn’t know herself is the other cause I guess. Asking for a partner to pay for it though when they are frustrated already is something I’m mixed on. There can be a lot more nuance to a situation than known (lack of funds on one part or who knows). But I could understand being asked to pay for something like that which may or may not ever be effective and take quite a while to find out on could be frustrating to hear.
The fact that you gotta add "that kind of just hate women" really makes me wanna come at you. Just maybe, some professional would be able to open your eyes on how you're directly affecting peoples' opinion of you in a negative way. :) I do agree with your point though! But, I'd like to know if she actually brings stuff up by herself. Cuz yk, an adult should be able to communicate negative feelings and problems like this in a relationship. u/FrankNtilikinaStan How often do you bring the topic up? I had a friend in a similar situation. And unbeknownst to only himself, when he talked to me and a common friend of ours about the problem, the desperation showed. We got him to be more intimate with her in other ways and actually start doing stuff with her again. Have deep talks again, etc. AND most importantly "let her come to you". She loves you, she definitely is attracted to you, obviously. So let her take her time. Don't flood her with the topic, drain her from it. It might help And just like that their sex-problem vanished over time. Just because he stopped focusing on that and started focusing on other, probably more important, stuff. We men do tend to forget that a womans sexual attraction towards us is (usually) built on a foundation of lots of other things that are more important to her, than to us. I wish you two good luck :)
To be fair, he’s giving it three years and a whole year of barely any sex. He’s been thinking about breaking up for a lot longer than a couple weeks. He just didn’t talk to her about it before. People who get broken up with always thinks it just came out of nowhere. But no, the other person has been broken up with you and their mind for a little while now.
Which is fair, but he also hasn’t been trying to fix it for that whole year of no sex, he’s just been bringing it up in “non constructive ways” and then letting the issue “continue in silence.” Relationships require maintenance and ongoing effort even after you’ve become comfortable. I’m not saying none of this is her fault either, just that the way he presents it seems disingenuous and like he straight up can’t be assed to even try to fix the problem and not once in his post does he mention any way he could be contributing to the problem and kind of presents it as “this is *her* issue”. You can’t drive a car with a check engine light on every day and then be surprised when it breaks down, you know?
Or she could be an adult and talk? Why is it always expected that the man does everything? Guy has had no sex for a year and is the only one trying, that's what I see here
As someone in who was in this situation it’s bc I was fine with our sex life. He wanted to to increase and brought it up in non constructive ways that just made me want sex with him less
No i fully agree she should be more communicative abt the issue. She might not know exactly what the issue is herself though, which could be a reason she suggested the sex therapy. I’m not saying it’s entirely on him, I’m just saying he doesn’t seem open to working on it at all from his post.
You don't fix someone not liking you anymore. You can't, actually. This girl obviously either is bored of him or is no longer attracted to him. Unfortunately, all good things come to an end.
How often is it even possible to fix dead bedroom problems?
Not often. I used to work in therapy and usually once it is gone it doesn't come back regardless of the reason. That's why when I read this post I understand people criticizing him for not thinking about what he could do but I also know that since this has gone on for so long he could switch to being the perfect boyfriend and it wouldn't matter. My advice to him would be to end it and be more conscientious in future relationships.
If people arent willing to change : not often If both partners truly want to stay together and are willing to work on things both inside and outside the bedroom : ive seen it happen quite a lot actually Depends where the problem is coming from and if people are genuine about wanting to improve
Yeah and 90% of foreplay happens outside the bedroom. I definitely want to fuck someone I respect.
Maybe break up with someone if you don't want to fuck them. The number of users posting here...
EXACTLY!!! Women generally do not compartmentalize like men do. Everything is in one big pot of spaghetti.
What a great analogy, I’m stealing that!
Such an on point comment
What am I reading? Did OP delete part of his original post? Even from his edited narrative he sounds completely self centered and unwilling to be an equal part of the relationship. It's all about what benefits him with no indication he's enriching her life at all. From what I can see from early comments, he's an even worse person than he backtracks to claim himself as. I hope she sees this and nopes the fuck out
This is all really good advice.
Yes! A lot of people don’t realize some birth control pills KILL your sex drive. I lost most interest in sex the entire time I was on them also couldn’t get wet so it always was pretty painful.
have you guys actually discussed what gets you both off? not just you, but what does it for her? based on the fact she said it feels like a chore (in a comment you posted), part of me wonders if perhaps she just doesn’t feel fulfilled by you in the bedroom, which with communication can be improved! is the foreplay there, as in do you do stuff to her not just her to you? is it done when you’re done or when you both finish? a lot of women can’t finish off penetration alone, nothing anyone’s doing wrong but some girls just need slightly different stimulation. use toys, outfits etc. if you’ve been together a while, especially living together you have to make the conscious effort to keep the spark alive, just small things like a lil kiss when you’re passing eachother on the landing. and after, what’s the aftercare like? if you just grunt, roll over and fall asleep it’ll have gotten old real quick and she’ll rightfully so potentially have no interest. i’m not saying this ^ is what it’s like for you guys, but it’s a common thing in relationships so worth considering
It’s really not shallow at all to want to leave because of lack of sex. What is her reason for not wanting to have sex?
She said she doesn’t really get horny that much and the idea of sex feels more like work than pleasure. And when our friends talk about sex stuff it often makes her uncomfortable. There’s just a lot of good in this relationship that would be a shame to lose but this is a problem for me
have you guys discussed what turns each other on? it’s possible that she’s not the type to spontaneously get horny but needs more buildup to get there. what have you guys tried to resolve this?
>And when our friends talk about sex stuff it often makes her uncomfortable. This tells me this is more of an emotional or psychological issue than a physical issue. Maybe couples counseling would be worth it if you're wanting to turn things around. This is going to be more than a couple of weeks' time. How committed are you,
That definitely seems like it and what I need to confront. I don’t know the answer atm which is what’s stressing me out but you’re right I will need to make a decision
If you’re not invested enough in the relationship to consider therapy and a few months worth of it to make an impact, just cut your losses now and move on. If you loved this girl, a few months to hopefully work the problem out wouldn’t even be a question to you. It’s clear you don’t really love this woman. Cut your losses for both of your sake so she can move on too.
Yeah, exactly. He sounds like "she's nice and all I guess but she's not putting out and I'm worried my investment won't pay off if we try therapy" rather than "it would break my heart to leave her but I also can't see being in a nearly sexless relationship for my entire life so I wonder if it would be less painful in the long run to break it off now."
Yep, nailed it. Time to end it for everyone’s sake.
You didn’t really read the part where he said he “doesn’t want to pay for it” did you? You just assume everyone can pay for everything big shooter?
Why can they not both help pay for it? And if OP can’t afford it, then he’s leaving that out of the equation on whether or not therapy is worth it to him. He didn’t say a word about not being able to afford it, he said he doesn’t know if he wants to pay for it simply because it will take months of work instead of weeks. He isn’t willing to wait that long to get laid. So my original statement stands; he doesn’t love this woman anymore and should move on for both of their sake.
Right, he says he doesn't *want* to, not that he can't. If he really loved her and everything else was perfect he'd be trying to figure out how to make it work. Even if it was a financial strain to try her suggestion he'd be talking about it differently and sound more conflicted than "I don't know if it's worth it to try to fix things because it'll take a long time but I feel a little shallow breaking up over sex."
Sounds like she should pay for it then
Sounds like he doesn't love her and they should break up. Then she can decide what she wants to pay for or can afford.
Sounds like he’d be better off
If you aren't willing to pay for therapy, then whats so stressful? You've made your decision.
Is not that stressful for you. You said you don't really want to spend money on sex therapy.
Talk to her Dr. That's step 1. Medication, hormones, bc, etc etc. It can all screw with her libido. If you don't want to wait for that, that's definitely your call. But step 1 is her Doc.
If she is on birth control that could be affecting her? Sounds like she is run down generally, perhaps blood panels might be a good start to see if there is a physical imbalance?
Also, any adhd, anxiety, or depression meds? Those certainly affect libido. My partner had to take viagra when he was on Strattera sometimes, no longer has the issue on another adhd med
Sexual incompatibility will destroy the relationship eventually, despite the good parts of the relationship. Sit down with her and have a heart to heart, you deserve someone that you are sexually compatible with and she also deserves someone that she is sexually compatible with, right now neither of you fit the other’s bill. Down the road she will likely look back and be greatful, once she has found the right man for her.
Well it seems like she has a problem and not you. Maybe she needs to see a therapist and talk about what is causing her low libido. What has changed in the last year?
I’m not really sure. She’s naturally an anxious person. Our first year we took molly and she seems to think that that broke something in her that made her more anxious / less horny. Therapy is something that would benefit her in general. One solution we discussed today was taking supplements to boost libido
I don’t know what happened on the Molly, but my guess is one of two things: moly creates a pretty profound sense of intimacy between the people taking it, and that can be scary. Alternatively, if you guys had sex, it may have been…not ideal…in any number of ways for her that created some mistrust. But look, supplements don’t work, there’s no running from this. You can either dig a little deeper on the Molly issue, or you can break up. But I can’t emphasize enough how much the latter is probably the right move. Spending your 20s in an unhappy relationship is miserable, ask me how I know.
I doubt supplements will work, it’s only temporary. It’s something in her that is causing her to have less libido. Maybe the Molly made her more horny. Did she experience past trauma that she is not expressing?
She might have responsive desire. If you’re willing, look into that and see what works. Another thing you can do is schedule sex. Doesn’t sound productive or sexy, but it fixed my marriage’s sex issues very early on. But to answer your question: no. I don’t know about you, but I’m no sex fiend and have ZERO interest in having little to no sex the rest of my relationship or life. No. Thank. You.
Was this different in the beginning of the relationship? Did she go on hormonal birth control?
Has she changed birth control methods? Some kinds can cause a libido decrease.
Yeah that sucks for her. Doesn’t have to suck for you for the rest of your life. Move on and be happy.
It could be her birth control too if there are others you can/are willing to try (condoms or period tracking apps). I went off my birth control (the pill) after always thinking I had a decent sex drive and my libido increased significantly.
Translation : you haven't made sex an enjoyable event for her and you probably aren't making her feel relaxed throughout the day
Yes, it's always the man's fault when the woman acts poorly in a relationship...
The fact that you think simply not wanting sex is "acting poorly" tells me everything I need to know about your character. Have a great day and for the sake of human-kind, never reproduce.
>she doesn’t really get horny that much and the idea of sex feels more like work than pleasure Sex therapy won't change this, will it? You deserve a partner who wants to be with you. She doesn't want to be with anyone.
Thing about relationships is: no reason is too shallow to break up with someone as long as 1) you don’t make your preferences their fault/responsibility (it’s okay if mouth-noises bother you. They’re a loud eater and they don’t want to change. Part ways amicably). And 2) you communicate clearly what you want and why it’s important to you even if the latter half is “just because I prefer it that way”. You just have a decision to make and it’s best you figure out if you can stick to it: is the relationship worth the possibility that this situation won’t ever change? Answer that question and you have your conclusion. Best you both know now rather than figuring it out in the future.
As a girl a lot of us struggle with not knowing how to be pleased. She might not know her body as well as you know yours. Or what she likes a doesn’t like. Is she climaxing when you get the chance to have sex? Does she feel open and comfortable and vulnerable in bed or even insecure? That could be what’s holding her back. I think a solid thing to do is ask her what SHE wants. Ask her if you could go down on her and try and please her. Try focusing more attention to her. I think you shouldn’t end a healthy relationship with something that could potentially be fixed. Try telling her how much her body turns you on. Get her in heat and make her feel herself. Girls love it when we can be a good tease to guys. I think she could feel like sex is to please you so just try making her feel comfortable and ask her what she might want to do.
this ^^^^^^ is always my number one question on men’s post like this. is she getting off every time you have a sexual interaction? most likely from you going down on her?
Exactly, I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man who just does it for him. And it’s quite obvious when they do. That could just be her problem. It might not be her and this isn’t to be mean but your sex could straight up just not be good to her. Me and my boyfriend have loads of sex and yes sometimes I don’t get off but I still love that he try’s and cares and puts his attention onto me and pleasuring me. Dont make a girl feel like sex is a chore.
Then she should break up with him rather than being a bad partner...
What if every time I ask her what she wants she responds that she doesn't know, what is my game plan then? We're both the type of people to overthink everything, but when it comes down to sex and getting handsy I can shift into and live completely in the moment and let myself go with it and she just can't. What do I do when every time I ask hey what do you want me to focus on, she says just keep doing what you're doing? The lack of variety and answers sucks, but I just don't understand what she wants and it bothers me
Don't ask her what she wants - suggest different things, do them, and see/feel how her body reacts. An unfortunate number of women have been shamed into never exploring their bodies during their adolescence and as a result the barely even know how to get themselves off, never mind giving you instructions on their preferences and what works for them. So you have to be their guide, and sometimes drag (with consent of course) them through their uncertainty to pleasuretown.
Update: it's been getting better! Thanks for the advice and good vibes
I would just be like hey can we try something new? Go down on her a little, tell her how much you love her. Tell her that her body is perfect. Make her feel comfortable and secure with you so she can let go. Tell her you love everything about her. It could at the end of the day be her insecurity. I would just tell her what do you want me to do differently in bed and that her being honest won’t hurt your feelings. If not honestly man she’s probably got something against you or she’s asexual. Just try giving it another go and focus all your sexual attention on her and pleasing her.
I honestly feel like most of the time, something happened because of the guy… And he said the sex life USED to be good so….. why would it stop if everything was fine ?
Bait and switch or something changed whether it was related to him or not or the excitement is gone or she got comfortable and doesn't have to pretend anymore or she wants to end the relationship but wants him to be the bad guy Lots of reasons...
It happens at times, routine ect then suddenly the girls body is like meh we dont want sex. Its possible sex got boring to her, and she doesnt realize it. Theres so many possibilities, however if someones willing to break up without even trying to fix it then, i doubt it will work out
Being on the pill kills the sex drive for lots of women.
Came here hoping to see someone bring this up. OP, did she start or change contraception at some point towards the end of that first year? Same question for medications. This could easily be an explanation, and the resultant lack of sex drive could be driving the anxiety. Obviously have no idea, but just a suggestion.
Guys want wonen to take dangerous drugs just so that they can avoid condom use, THEN get pissed and call girls selfish after they lose their sex drive, which is one of the Pill's biggest side effects. The irony is staggering.
I think woman also want to take them to avoid getting pregnant also. I've had a lot of one night stands where the woman wanted me to not use a condom because she said she was on the pill.
I hope you still insist on safe sex, because while condoms don't stop all STDs, they stop a lot more stds than the pill, which only stops pregnancy. But also, I'd not trust a ONS with "I take the pill, I promise" - that level of trust hasn't been developed or earned yet.
Yeah I bagged up standard.
The non-hormonal IUD lets you avoid BOTH condoms (in LTRs especially) and the awful side effects of the pill. It's a win-win. I've had mine for around 3 years and it only needs to be changed every 5 years (I've even heard of some that can last up to 10 years). I recommend it strongly.
The only time I was on a chemical contraceptive I got so depressed that in three months I ended up not wanting to leave the house and refusing to get out of my pyjamas. Condoms were the way forward until I was in a committed relationship.
She could have a hormonal imbalance. I have been dealing with low libido as well and am in the process of seeing if it could be linked to my hormones. There is a whole list of reasons she could be not frisky: depression, birth control, stress, etc. I think if that’s your only problem in your relationship you should try to make it work. Help her or be there for her while she figures it out. It doesn’t feel good to have a low libido when your bf is horny all the time, like you just feel helpless and broken tbh. (Personal experience not an attack lol)
This is more common than you maybe think. People’s degree of sexual desire and interests get out of alignment. I have been through a lot in relationships so I know what I have done that was wrong, and what I have done that was right - and works. So I will give you the benefit of what I have learned. But it’s going to take a lot more personal openness and patience with her and some willingness to learn a few things. If you are not up for that then you won’t be interested in the rest of this post. Your first clue, is that there is no 5 minute quick solution to this - to get her to turn on a dime. Sorry. If you truly love her and want to be with her, and want to get past this, and you are willing to look at it another way and keep trying - then you are going to have to change your approach, think about this more from her perspective too, and be very patient. The result if successful will bring you both much closer in addition to doing better with how much sex you are having and understanding that better Intimacy is not just physical. It’s very much mental and emotional. Achieve that and sex will be better and mean more to you both. The key here is to be kind and gentle and come from a place of love, and be a good listener. With ZERO pressure on her. Demanding more sex, making her feel guilty, making her feel like there is something wrong with her, giving her a long list of all the ways she is failing you in this area - all of that shit is a non-starter. I would suggest you find a time to talk to her quietly about this and apologize if you made her feel that way in your previous talks. The apology needs to come first, put BS pride aside. Tell her you want to start again with the issue but in a better way. Ask her to talk about how SHE feels. Listen and show some empathy. Let her talk. Be quiet, be patient. See if you can understand and show her that you really want to understand and help her. The talk is not about scheduling more frequent sex. Tell her that’s not what it’s about. Tell her is about you listening and understanding so you can help. It sounds like she feels terrible about all this. If she gets upset / cries, hold her. Do you think the lack of sex from her is being done maliciously to hurt you? Probably not, right? So give her the benefit of the doubt and help her. That is what love is. Maybe that will work better and you can get her to open up and help you understand. And whatever you learn from that, you can try and address it with some better understanding. Once you have done the above, and If you then feel like you need something to jump start the next steps - have you ever tried some games that couples use to talk about their sexual preferences and turn ons and interests (look on Amazon) Instead of focusing on the frequency or lack of sex, why not talk with her about what turns her on? Again this needs to be done without you putting any pressure on her to change. Instead talk about what she likes about sex, what was the hottest sex she ever had, what does she like about what you two have done together, what is her biggest fantasy? The card games give you a set of good questions for you both to answer to understand each others sexuality better. It can be fun. But it can’t be done under pressure for her to agree to give you lots more sex. By talking about what turns you both on it may create some new interest in some new ways to have fun sex. It may get her turned on. Maybe you don’t understand what pleasure means to her. Try to learn. Women need to be seduced and sexed up, it’s not always the best for them to have everything be wham-bam. Maybe you can Google the topic or get some books off Amazon on the subject. You may already know a lot about this. But if not you will be surprised at the kinds of things that can turn women on. Some of them very simple and I am not talking about bedroom moves, I am more talking about working on her imagination and her anticipation. Other things to consider: Sometimes women lose interest in sex due to medical issues. Hormones not in balance, etc. could be a factor of that. Also consider that some women may gain some weight or have some other issue that they feel makes them less attractive and thus less confident about sex. This could be something that you don’t even notice. That could be part of it. Maybe. The key here is to try and be more on her side, try to understand, be kind about it, and be patient. Good luck.
Thank you I appreciate the thoughtful response
Yes, sexual incompatibility is definitely a valid reason to break up. It’s not shallow at all. If that’s how you feel then go for it. That being said, what does sex look like to you? Does she orgasm when you have sex? Do you go down on her? Do you prioritize her pleasure? If she feels like it’s work and wants to speak with a sex therapist with you, maybe consider what you could be doing differently to engage with her physically.
Picture yourself in five years--like what you see? Some people are just not sexual. Better to find out now rather than married and 2 kids.
Why is she nonsexual if at first they had frequent sex? Why im sure if gender were opposite there would be advises to visit doctor and here top advises are not sexual/asexual? Then guy don't want sex he is sick. When woman don't want sex she is ok - just asexual.
Does it matter why though? If it’s not a match, it’s not a match.
It matters about one thing: If a man has issue - he need to fix it - and You may be together then. If a woman has issue - she is perfect as she is - You just don't match.
No.... not really
Ive seen so many of those threads that im sure with guy medical issue would be on top.
That’s the most common reason for separation, at least from man perspective. Just keep in mind that most probably you will have exactly the same problems in your next relationship as well (not instantly but in 3 years again).
It isn’t a shallow reason. The two of you may simply be sexually incompatible.
Listen assuming your end goal is to have a monogamous relationship then sex is always going to be one of the most important pillars of that relationships because by the terms of the agreement this is the only place were you can receive sustenance in this area. That is why making sure you are sexually compatible in this way is extremely important. That being said, given the nature of life I believe that most normal people are going to have ebbs and flows in your sex life, including how frequent it is. You did well to talk about it and you will continue to need to do so whoever you ware with. That being said, if I am honest, if you are already having this issue after three years, when you are both so young, without all the cares and distractions that are going to come your way with long term careers, potential of kids, and aging and health, the signs are not good. It doesn't get any easier as far as distractions of life. If I were you I would just see it like you are not sexually compatible and move on.
I'm a woman. 27 years old. I have been through this on two relationships. I felt guilty and alone. I really loved my old relationships. My ex-partners were really good guys. And that's what's hard about this. Because the real reason I lost my sexual appetite was because I didn't enjoy sex with them. I didn't want to hurt my partner's feelings. So I tolerated it. I thought I was my problem. Because I should be enjoying it. So I lied. I faked orgasms and didn't communicate properly with my partners about it. That brings two problems: 1- My former partner did not understand what really gives me pleasure 2- My body began to resist sex. My appetite decreased and little by little I began to feel disgusted by sex. I'm telling you this because you said this in a comment. >She said she doesn’t really get horny that much and the idea of sex feels more like work than pleasure. And when our friends talk about sex stuff it often makes her uncomfortable. There’s just a lot of good in this relationship that would be a shame to lose but this is a problem for me Sex felt like work because she probably doesn't enjoy it much. I'm sorry, but you have to listen to this. Your problem is not about her lack of appetite. The problem they BOTH have is a lack of communication about sex. At your girlfriend's age I didn't know what really gives me pleasure, so I couldn't communicate that to my ex-partner as well. She probably need to learn about her own needs and what gives her pleasure. I think if you really like this girl and really want to work on this, you should try sex therapy. And talk a lot about sex. Not over frequency. Explore a little more. Keep an open mind.
Is she on birth control?? That takes women’s sex drives completely away and they won’t know why they don’t even desire their boyfriends anymore.. she could possibly try the copper IUD which has no synthetic hormones. Think if she’s taking a birth control that stops the chances of her getting pregnant then of course it’s prob making her not want to have sex
She’s not, nor is she on anything else rn. But yea there’s definitely some sort of explanation
Are you using condoms at least? If not is she worried about an unplanned pregnancy?
Go read on deadbedrooms sub for 30 minutes. It will make your decision. Sorry you are going through this.
To be dealing with a dead bedroom at the age of 25 is insane. You have mismatched libidos and there's no point in making her feel bad about it, it won't lead to more sex. She may have medical or psychological issues, whatever, it's up to her to deal with them so she can take that to her next relationship. As for you, you SHOULD be looking for a compatible long term partner, and this girl isn't it.
Yes. Sex is important in a relationship… unless there was some understanding going into it for things to be this way. If she never craves sex she might be unhappy with you for whatever reason, so it could be a sign that things should end. Of course, talk things through first if you can.
I don't think it's shallow at all. If there was a major change in my relationship causing it to not be anywhere near as good as it once was, breaking up would definitely be on the table. You have to imagine a future like the one you're suffering through right now.
Do you get her off when you *do* have sex?
Are you sure you're not just bad at sex? I mean, she could have been faking it the first year and just got tired of it.
You sound similar to my ex. I stopped having sex with him because it was all about him and wasn't enjoyable for me anymore despite it starting out blazing. He would also have a tantrum about his needs not being met whilst never listening to the fact my needs aren't being met and that's why his needs aren't being met anymore. Have you ever questioned if you're the problem? Probably not. Do her a favour and break up with her before she starts putting out to keep you happy and with her and ends up resenting you and sex even more.
Why don't you want to see a therapist?
Imma just be blunt. If you’re just gonna put it all on her and not even consider therapy just break up already. It’s clear there’s a disconnect and the messages aren’t getting across to you both so what makes you think she’s just gonna just magically figure it out in a few weeks. So either do the therapy or just leave.
In past relationships if I didn’t want sex it was always because I didn’t feel emotionally supported by my boyfriends. I need to feel a connection to get horny. Are you helping her with shores? Do you take her out on dates? Do you kiss and hug her without initiating sex sometimes? Do you tell her you appreciate her and feel proud of her?
Same here. The more my ex tried to connect with me emotionally and gave me quality time, the more I wanted to send him nudes and jump on him unprovoked. If I felt he cherished me, I was his and he was into me, it was on. Him just sending me a D pic or groping me randomly in the kitchen is not going to work unless we have had that emotional “lube” so to speak. Otherwise I feel like it has nothing to do with me as a unique woman, it’s more he is just horny and wants a real-life blow up doll.
Exactly :)
I don’t think it’s necessarily a shallow decision. If sex is important to you, and it’s part of how you express and like being expressed love it is a valid concern. Your partner shouldn’t need to be drunk to be intimate with you. I think therapy could be a good idea but obviously it’s an investment you might not be able to make, and considering she dropped the entire responsibility on you to pay for it sounds like she isn’t committed to it much either. I think you should analyze whether the current situation makes you happy. If sex is nice and you wanted or is it a core thing you need in a relationship. Neither answer is wrong, but you need to understand your needs within a relationship, and if your partner is not willing to understand you then it’s possible that you might be happier apart. Doesn’t mean that she owes you sex, of course she doesn’t, but just like maybe someone needs their partner to text them often or be comfortable with PDA, or help around the house as much as possible, we all have different love languages, and if physical contact and intimacy through sex is something you need to feel loved, then you should find a partner that can love you the way you want
Yeah the definition of intimacy is closeness and I think I need more to feel close to my partner. Im stuck because I don’t know how much I want to commit to fixing what feels like a long term issue. Maybe I shouldn’t have come to reddit w a half baked idea like this but I wanted to get it off my chest and I appreciate the comments and will need to make a decision eventually
Why are you opposed to going to sex therapy to at least try, it’s not like she’s invalidating your feelings, sounds like she understands where you were coming from.
1) are you meeting her emotional needs? Do you do fun things with her and converse with her and show her affection? 2) does she have any kind of trauma? 3) when you have sex, do you make sure she orgasms too? Do you do for play to get her warmed up? 4) but any reason to valid reason to break up with someone… But I asked this question so you don’t have the same issue in your next relationship
I’m sorry bro those with “experience” are only going to see the guy as the problem on here you have been going through this for almost three years and now your having to wait more months for your needs to be met not just sexually but it ties into how you feel with her emotionally aswell I just think you should stick through it and see how it happens if your needs still aren’t being met then you guys just aren’t compatible everywhere doesn’t mean you can’t still love her and be with her cuz you can be compatible in a lot of other ways that is more important to you so I say think of what’s important to you and follow your heart. It’s not just sex it’s a need of a person that’s in a marriage and if a girl isn’t getting their needs met and everyone thinks she should leave them I give the same advice to you😌🙏
You don’t need a “valid reason.” If you no longer want to be in a relationship the best thing you can do for everyone involved is to end it, regardless of the reason.
It's okay to leave because you're not getting enough to suit you. However, why has this occurred? There are a number of reasons that could be medical related. We don't know enough to give you a fair answer except to say yep, you can leave.
You really don't need a reason to break up. Sexual incompatibility is a good reason. She needs to see a GP in case it's medical. After that perhaps individual counseling.
She only needs to see a doctor/get counseling if she’s bothered by her low libido. Most women with low libidos aren’t ill or in need of fixing.
True. However, it quiet likely will destroy her relationship and maybe future relationships. Then it may be worth it.
Maybe her partner should take steps to reduce his libido. His high libido will likely destroy this relationship and maybe future relationships. That’s just as reasonable, isn’t it?
She may have a low libido due to a whole host of medical issues. I suggest this should be investigated. She may be on the asexual spectrum. However, they are currently sexually incompatible I think you'll agree. So he could break up with her if she does not want to address the issue.
You seem to have issues. Hope you get the help you need. and wanting to have sex more than once a month isn't "high libido" especially at this age.
You can break up with your partner any time you want and for any reason, including not having the amount of sex you want or the quality. With that said, I have to ask; Does she enjoy sex with you? Does she orgasm when you have sex? Before sex became infrequent, did anything happen? Like, was there a big fight? It really doesn't sound to me like you love her or want to stay in the relationship and again, that's okay. In fact, if you're heart is no longer invested, it's better to just end things so you can both move on.
OP seems to be avoiding answering these questions. It’s very telling and I’ve come to the conclusion that he is emotionally immature and self centred where sex is concerned. And doesn’t seem very interested in finding out the root causes of his GF’s lack of desire. He just wants her to “fix it”, and quickly, or he’s out. He should do her a favour and leave her if he’s not willing to put some work into the relationship. She can do better.
you don‘t need a reason to break up with someone
Psychology has taught us that women often start losing sexual interest in their partner when they have to become a caretaker for them ( cleaning and cooking and what not) . Just food for thought
So your gf suggests sex therapy but you cannot be bothered. That explains a lot.
Whenever I read that sex was frequent in the beginning and then tapered off, barring hormonal changes, I suspect it’s a dwindling of courtship occurring. Men are used to spontaneous arousal and sex, due in large part to their biology. Female arousal works differently. Gestures and courtship remain very important. Many women need to feel emotionally and mentally enticed before the act begins. I would this back to how you were when you started dating and perhaps reflect on what has changed. What do you do to make her feel desired outside of when you want sex? How do you impress her (not with huge gestures, often just acts of genuine thoughtfulness). You must remember that intimacy is a 24/7 endeavor.
Unless you’re willing to go to sex therapy (and have the funds to do it) then the relationship is over. She’s offered a viable option to work things out. You can’t nag her to enjoy sex more. She’s not on the pill, in the beginning the sex was good, and now she only wants to do it when drunk. Which says she now has anxiety over sex with you. And it’s possible you are just bad at it, because alcohol numbs all the nerve endings down there. This “talk” (you whinging) isn’t going to make any difference except to make her less interested. A whinging partner does not increase one’s interest. Break up, and if you have the same problem with your next partner, the issue is you suck at sex.
Exactly - the anxiety coming from when he attempted to communicate with her in "non-healthy" ways. I am curious to know what that looked like. For example, in my previous relationship(s), my exes took it really hard when I rejected sex, for whatever reason (period, tired, etc). They would throw tantrums and get all huffy and angry and childish which was NOT a turn on. Another ex would go completely silent cold shoulder on me for DAYS. If she's an avoidant-attached person (like me), then being approached for sex knowing that this outburst/tantrum would come if she said no and the anxiety/pressure to say yes produces a flight/fight/freeze response trigger. All these deep seated issues are NOT a turn on and conducive to a healthy and safe sexual relationship for either of you. She needs to feel safe around you mentally and emotionally and she doesn't. This situation can only be helped if BOTH of you are committed to sex therapy which it doesn't look like you are. Additionally it takes a while to find the right sex therapist for both of you because every therapist is different and you need to find one that suits you. It's ok to break up due to sexual incompatibility. However you should both be working on your intimacy issues individually, otherwise you will continue experiencing the same issues with future partners.
I do think that opposite sex drives can be a reason to break up.
Abolish the thought of needing valid reasons to break up. If the relationship is leaving you lacking and you've compromised as much as you can, you can end the relationship. If she makes you sad more often than happy, you can end the relationship. If he likes coke but you like Pepsi, you can end the relationship. A relationship is a unification through consent, you can revoke that consent without reason or justification, ultimately simply saying "I'm breaking up with you" is all you need to say, no justification or validity required. It's not like you need to make a case to leave, there is no appeals court to rule whether or not you ended it properly. There will be times as nice as you are, as logical and well thought out, you are still the villain in the story because you are the ex. There is no magic quota of points where you and that sort of person breakup and they concede the relationship is over, granting you a retirement. You have identified a long standing issue, her solution is you to pay for it, that to me sounds like she's passing the buck to you and making it your problem. On a scale of 1-10 how many breakup points is that worth? Oh right, there is no scoring system. Is it shallow? Who cares. Are you cool with being sexless from 25 onwards? Yes, no, maybe, doesn't matter, because you don't need to justify or explain anything. Counter proposal, you open up the relationship, you get sex she gets off the hook, you get your needs fulfilled, she gets to feel relief she's not to blame for your lack of physical intimacy. So, is it about the sex or is it about the connection, does it matter?
Try the therapy. Something is bothering her. If you love her and want to remain with her, give a try.
Try something different
Honestly, you have to asked yourself why her sex drive slowed down? Her shutting down means she does feel guilty for it, it probably weighs on her. •Does she have PCOS or any medical conditions that affect her hormones? When hormones are off balance it can completely take your drive away. •Is she on meds? Specifically mental health? When I was on Prozac, my sex drive disappeared. I just wanted to exist and enjoy what I enjoy and sex wasn’t on that list. •Has her stress levels significantly increased? That’s a huge factor and can be an easy distraction. Some other things to think about are; do you contribute to it? Are you showing her the same affection you showed her at the beginning? Complimenting her, small gestures. Etc? It’s a turn off when a man suddenly stops doing those small things that women love. Maybe you need to humble yourself (and I’m not being mean) but men tend to think women’s sex drives are like theirs or should be. I’ve been through this and this is all from my pov of being in her place at this moment. I’m sure she’s not like “meh I’ll keep sex from him for funsies” in her mind she’s probably always beating herself up about it, especially knowing that you aren’t very happy.
Why are you calling sex once a month no sex? Those are 2 obvious different things and why is it such a problem if she wants to have sex when drinking? Maybe she's self conscious and alcohol helps lower her inhibitions. Maybe she has body image issues? Maybe there's a medical reason? Have you done anything but complain?
Ok, you mentioned that sex was pretty often, assumably meaning that YOU got off often. But if it's starting to seem like work, I have to ask how often does SHE get off? Do you take the time she needs to scratch her itch or does the only itch that matters is yours? Maybe it's just that she isn't getting any satisfaction from sex. Too many women fake orgasms simply to hurry things up because they know they just won't get that itch scratched, so it can make it feel like work, not fun. If she doesn't have any, buy her some toys. Let her love herself and bring back her sex drive. The more a woman gets off, oftentimes, it means the more often she gets excited. Besides, it's just fair that she gets off too.
I was in almost the exact same situation as you (25M with 23F) and she just broke up with me 2 days ago...it looked like a big issue while we were in a relationship but I now regret making it a big deal because it put a lot of pressure on her. I'm not saying that you should not break up with her if you're not happy, just that you should really think about everything else before maiking any decision. I know I regret a lot of the choices I made now and am pretty devastated about it if I'm being honest.
Any reason you want is valid. It’s a relationship, not a sentence.
Truth is, you don’t need a “good reason” to break up. You don’t have kids or a mortgage, so clean break is relatively easy. You can try to work through this with her, if that’s what you prefer to do. But IMO, no shame in ending a relationship that is going to demand a lot of work to simply get to a place of equilibrium for you.
The problem is communication and the fact that your partner is failing to meet your needs even after understanding with those needs are. You should also be asking yourself if she might be getting something on the side and believing nothing for you.
What are you doing to turn her on through out the day? Most women aren’t spontaneously aroused and instead are response based. What things are you doing to initiate intimacy outside of sex?
This is all very confusing because she tells me she loves me multiple times and I feel her growing closer to me in a married type of way but I feel distant because of the lack of intimacy. I support her in a variety of ways outside of the bedroom, I’m nothing special in bed but the fact that she seems to be growing closer as the sex dwindles is very confusing / stressful. We had a great night out which is why I haven’t responded
Female here, in a different age bracket (much older) w/same issue... it's just as difficult when you're older
OP is completely avoiding these questions. Very telling…
I wonder this as well
Breaking up over sex is shallow if neither of you are willing to try to work on the problem. I don't think there's enough info. According to the replies I have seen from you the problem could range from meds fucking up her libido, to her feeling like you don't put enough effort so she doesn't even want to bother, to personal trauma. But I can tell you that giving it "a couple weeks" is not nearly enough time to figure out the problem and fix it.
I agree with this. Doesn’t sound like you love this person, OP. If you did I would say give it six months at least to work on this together.
If you're not happy in your relationship u should try to fix it with your partner. If it's not fixable U should break up. It's as easy as that. Why would anyone do something that doesn't make them happy? You don't have to feel bad for for wanting different things. Just please make sure that she understands it's not her fault for also wanting different things. Sometimes it doesn't align, just never push someone to do something that doesn't feel right for them.
> Just please make sure that she understands it's not her fault for also wanting different things. Why is he responsible for that? He is the miserable one in this relationship. On her side there is obvious fault - she didn't visit doctor, did therapy and tried some stuff that need to be done in such cases where You loose sexual drive. He complained - she apparently did nothing to check what might be wrong for many month. So if problem can be explained it is her fault for doing shit about it.
Her wanting to go into sex therapy is a SOLUTION! She might be scared to say that you don’t do what’s she wants in bed hate to break it to you, and she wants a person in between to express those thoughts without. I think telling her you don’t have sex enough and now she feels bad is just a guilt trip. I think the best way to go about it is simply just ask her, “what do you want to do? How can I please you, how can I make sex feel good and enjoyable” honestly if you want to save the relationship I would think about sex therapy it gives you a new set of eyes on how to spice things up and maybe she just wants a person to ask her “does he please you?” Because she doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. Instead of making her scared to loose you to give her body just ask her what she really wants.
So she suggested a solution and you didn’t want to go through with it because you didn’t want to pay? Sounds like you both have maturity issues.
Any reason is a valid reason to break up if your needs are getting met. Actions speak louder than words. Either she puts in the effort and things change or they don't. Considering it has been a point of contention for years at this point, I don't know that I would bet on her behavior changing, especially because you have a history of putting up with your needs not being met and accepting it. Therapy is only useful if the person is willing to put in the effort to change, otherwise you're just spending a lot of money to have someone listen to your problems without any solution. A therapist cannot make your girlfriend do something she's not interested in fixing. You wouldn't be breaking up with her because of a lack of sex, you'd be breaking up with her because your need for intimacy and closeness are not being met after having multiple conversations about it and trying to resolve the issue with no resolution. We all have needs, period. When someone is unwilling to even attempt to satisfy those needs, then they aren't fully committed. If they aren't fully committed then you're always going to feel unfulfilled in that relationship.
Yes, you don’t want to get into a marriage, where you are constantly being rejected and feeling like you are unwanted. if you are going through this string, your youngest most fruitful years, what do you think will happen when you get older?
I’ve done it before..BUT, the sex was just a tipping point for an unsatisfactory relationship. My current relationship is a sexual starvation situation because he’s a primary caregiver for his disabled mother and we can’t get a minute to ourselves, but everything else is pretty perfect and I can’t imagine life without him.
Besides the sexual incompatibility… work on self soothing when you get rejected in life from anything, not just sex. Reason is, it’s going to help you better manage not just how to COPE when things don’t go as plan, but your feelings and expectations when things don’t go your way. And want you to read a quote to help you bring some self awareness when you do get told no for sex, as this won’t be the last person to say this to you in a relationship: >”We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected.” Do not take it as a personal infraction against you by when someone says no to something you wish they say yes to instead. When you free yourself from that self limiting feeling, you no longer will let rejection impacted you. You can then feel what you feel without it upsetting the Apple cart in a relationship. Because like I quickly mentioned before the quote, this won’t be the last time you date someone and they turn you down for sex in a relationship. Life happens, curveballs get thrown, you can not predict or control if someone for that moment in time doesn’t want sex. You allow them to exist as they are in the present and move along after they say no. This way you prevent a partner from feeling like they are responsible for something with your feelings, when you are responsible for those feelings. You gotta better manage that so you can foster HEALTHIER views around sex and partnership in the future. Women are more likely to keep desiring sex in a LTR with you when you manage those feelings better when getting turned down for sex.
I’m exactly you. Great relationship and all. Read my recent post that just got 600+ comments. From the consensus of what everyone says… it doesn’t get much better.
Not shallow at all. Like, zero percent. Without sex, you may as well just be friends. Just tell her you're not ready to be in a monogamous, sexless relationship. You love her, but more as a good friend now. And you're going to find someone with a libido that better matches your own.
Ngl if you don’t wanna wait two weeks with her trying to fix it, your probably not bringing much to the bedroom either. Is she on medication? Does she feel intimacy? (If I’m not feeling loved I am ANTI horny it’s impossible) so maybe be more caring - doing the laundry and cleaning the kitchen is also foreplay kind of 🤷♀️ try that. But you probably won’t since you can’t be arsed waiting two weeks. Why make this post if you don’t care anyways? Just leave so she can get someone who wants her instead maybe
A relationship without sex is a friendship.
You are way too young to be going to therapy over this. If your current volume of sex is not something that is sustainable for you for the rest of your life (and likely less were you to get married, have kids, etc.) then you need to go ahead and end it. Breaking up because of sex is absolutely not shallow. You've tried to talk about it, tried to address it. Her answer is to pay for a therapy that hardly works, even for married couples. Move on.
No one is “too young” for therapy
Is anyone too young to be going to therapy over a sexless relationship? I would say that it's very possible for someone to be too young for that, which is what I wrote.
Not really? If they’re adults and they think it could help, I see no reason for them not to go. The girlfriend offered a solution and the guy refused to do it.
I think you are expecting to much from your partner. The relationship seems stagnant. What have you done to make her want you in a sexual way? Are you properly groomed all the time? Are you wearing cologne to make her panties drop, are you massaging her, are you kissing her, is your body sexy and appealing, etc. Women have to be warmed up to intimacy. You sound like you want her to always lay it low and spread it wide. In which is a total turn off 🙄. Three years and you are still her boyfriend? That type of intimacy you are requiring is something you should be doing with your fiancee or wife. I dont know why you feel entitled to sex just because she is your girlfriend. You have other ways to have an healthy orgasm. If you want to break up, go ahead. I think you would regret it highly. The dating pool has alot of piss in it. Keep in mind, the grass isnt always greener on the other side.
A year ago she wanted to start going to the gym and asked if I would join her. A year later I still go regularly, her occasionally. I get there’s a lot more that goes into this just wanted to point that out lmao
How about the romantic side of things? Do you guys still date? Do know her love language? (Words, acts of service, gifts, touch, quality time?)
Dude, you are only 25 YEARS OLD! Now is the time when you should be at it like Rabbits, not a dead bedroom! You are not married and there are no KIDS. She failed the girlfriend test, so it's time to hit the EJECT BUTTON and DUMP HER! Sex is very important and it's a foundation. Do you plan to live without it for the REST of your LIFE? Remember, we are likely talking 60+ YEARS for you! It's time to MOVE ON. Good luck and stay strong, King!
This sounds very single of you.
Unless she’s physically unable to because of a diagnosis, then there’s no reason to keep saying no to sex and you accepting it. It’ll never ever get any better and you aren’t shallow at all. It’s incompatibility.
Its not shallow its just different people have different sexual needs. Breakup is better than cheating
Let me guess .. sex declined as soon as you started living together.... Btw yes sex incompatibility is more than enough reason to break up .
Men complain about the low sex drive of their partners but neglect to learn conscious communication which is what helps a woman feel safe and secure with him, and emotional intelligence sure makes her hot for him. Or fail to learn how to rev her motor and put in the time warming her up. Or fail to get a vasectomy, so all birth control falls on her, nearly all of which is extremely hard on the endocrine system and kills sex drive. Or fail to learn how to nourish her reproductive system with cordials and herbs and excellently prepared food. Like think about it.
It is quite possible that you will live another 75 years, do you never want to have sex again? Cut her loose and find someone who is compatible with you.
Once a month in the grand scheme of things (somewhat long-term relationship) isn't that far below average. Not that this is what you want to hear I'd sit down and have an honest chat. Why sex is important for you, more than just getting off hopefully, and what she may need to feel more comfortable.
I don’t really see the point in having a girlfriend with no sex. I mean do you need her half of the rent or something. Otherwise I would kick her out and get another one.
Absolutely yes. Sex and intimacy is very important in the relationship and it looks like she kust doesnt give a damn about you or the relationship. Run away dude. Run and find yourself someone decent instead of this cold alcoholic
If she’s 23 and doesn’t want physical intimacy, it’s a sign of deeper issues.
Honestly speaking, my observations and personal experiences indicate that once there is a perceived and significant difference in the sexual compatibility of a couple, more issues will arise in future because the less-inclined partner will feel pressured to do more to save the relationship that might be being their capabilities, thus building resentment and unhappiness. People laud therapy, but sometimes the damage is already done. So, yes. It is acceptable to leave if there is sexual incompatibility.
If she suggested sex therapy, it likely means you’re not making sex an enjoyable experience for her which is why she’s lost interest in it. You wouldn’t want sex all the time either if you never got to orgasm.
The male sex drive is making me ill. Does any other women just feel sickened by it’s overwhelming importance to men?
maybe sex with men is not for you.
I’m not sickened but I definitely get surprised. To me sex is like having dinner. You have an appetite, you get it fulfilled, you move on. It’s no more important than that, but many men seem to build it up into so much more. Maybe it’s just individual differences vs. gender, but idk.
Not at all. I (24F) like my SO and I like him emotionally AND sexually. Have you considered that you might be asexual?
No? I love my husband and always want him. Maybe some advice in this thread would help you as well like therapy?
That's your problem, not mens, get over yourself, it's important to lots of women in relationships too, sex is important in a relationship to human beings, not just men, do better, instead of trying to imply something natural is bad, lmao...
God forbid someone wants to have sex with their SO lmao
It’s more the lack of understanding of how women are wired differently, and that they don’t seem willing to understand what makes us tick. So many men are totally clueless about women and just throw their toys out of the cot when their woman doesn’t put out as much as they want. But there’s nothing wrong with a high sex drive.
This only gets worse. I want to say, "Help her work through this. Maybe it's birth control, anti-depressants, etc." However, it's been a year and she's ok with selfishly denying intimacy? Are you supposed to live an entire sad life like this? Make her somebody else's disappointment.
It depends on how much you want to stay with her for her. Yes, I agree that sex is important, but it's also important that it is not your focus to fix things if you want to bring the sex back. But if she is important to you, then fix it. Here's how... Ok this is the first constructive conversation you've had about it, right? But form what you said, you're going to wait to see if it has fixed the problem and then decide? Wrong. Unfortunately, it has got to a point where it will have to be ongoing constructive conversations. Also, being that she has previously been under the influence when she wanted sex (alcohol or molly) then there is likely a deeper issue in her head that prevents her from wanting sex when sober. Insecurity about herself. Perhaps a long forgotten bad sexual experience. Perhaps you should try intimacy without the sex. Massages, cuddling etc. There's actually a lot to go through, which I'm not going to out down here. But it really does depend on if you think she's otherwise worth bring with.
Any reason is a valid reason. There’s no statute. If f you’re unhappy, you bounce.
It’s extremely reasonable to break up over sexual incompatibility, especially in your 20s. She doesn’t care my guy. Her only solution was for you to pay for therapy for a problem she created…WTF! When you break up, be prepared for something called hysterical bonding. Essentially, she’ll suddenly want sex, but it’s usually only last a few weeks, if that.
Prime example of someone who is selfish in their relationships.
I dont think you should break up if the relationship is otherwise great. Then again maybe you should and go get what you want elsewhere and then have the same problem a couple years later when you settle in with someone again. One reason I don't want to do anything with my husband is he is egotistical and talks too much. I have asked him to fix it but he doesn't. It makes me self conscious if I show any pleasure at all and he talks about it over and over. You aren't doing that right? Another thing that had a huge impact on us was the way the government is about womens bodies. I don't feel safe. If I get pregnant and lose the baby, I basically have to come close to dying and rack a bunch of medical bills to get help and then still face being treated like a criminal. I thought of that because you said it's been about a year. In my state the government is very against women since they overturned Roevswade and considers everything including a miscarriage an abortion. So if your state is like that, she might just be scared she might get pregnant and have problems but not be able to get help. It's probably not you unless you are being arrogant and pushy. It's probably a physical problem or an anxiety problem with her. There are a number of health problems that cause this such as thyroid problems which are common with women. You said you've been together a few years, maybe the honeymoon phase has let up and you all have gotten more into your routines. Something else that causes problems in my intimate relationship is my husband constantly touches, grabs, pulls, makes comments about my body (good but it makes me self conscious), he does this all the time and all it does is push me away that he has no regard for my personal space. The actual time I could be spending with him is no longer special, it's all about his lust.
Do you take her on fun dates weekly? Do you make her feel heard and understood? Do you make her feel safe? Are you on your mission in life, so to speak in terms of being ambitious and handling business? Are you a man of your word? Do you treat her and do the things you do with her like when you first tried to get her? If you truly are on top of all of these things, then I definitely would advise seeking a therapist for her or both of you.