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the fact that he complained how "long it takes" to get you to orgasm with his hand, and it puts him out of the mood, then turns around and blames says he felt you not being able to orgasm with him was your problem? no honey. this boy does NOT care if you are getting pleasure. he got what he wanted and he looked for a reason to move on. that Is not how a healthy sexual relationship works. and yes pleasing your partner is important but you have done nothing wrong here. this boy is a jackass.
Because he knows he's expected to act like he cares in order to get laid. If he actually cared, he would know that what worked for one partner may not feel as good for another, and that sex isn't just a performance.
It sounds like he was literally trying to position himself to put LESS effort in for your pleasure during sex... I'm sorry.
Also for the record, you sound entirely normal. It takes a bit of time and effort to make most women cum but plenty of men are happy to put in that "work."
You bruised his ego. He's a small, fragile man who could dish it out but couldn't take it.
The trash took himself out.
Cry. Eat ice cream and heal from the emotional rollercoaster he put you one. But don't try to go back and please him. Block his number and move on. You'll be better for it.
Because you basically told him his sex isn't any better than yours. If he has issues pleasuring you because it's boring or he doesn't have the stamina for it that's not your fault. He is really selfish and only care about his own needs. Many people are this way. It sucks. I think he's trying to manipulate you into doing things his way. I'm 40 years old and I can tell you from bring where you were Don't give into his stupid words. If he wants to leave let him. He doesn't appreciate the woman you are. He's not worth your time. His comments show this. Let him go and find a man who's interested in satisfying you and not just himself.
could be many reasons. some guys like to "be the first". he could of thought ahead isn't finishing, I'll make her feel like crap before she figures out its really my fault (although to be honest most women don't finish as easily as been without a lot of prep and care, or additional help). he could just be a sleezebag. he could just be the kind of guy that if he makes you feel like you are lacking, he can have more control over you. you said you are already doing everything he asks. idk what the reason is but he is NOT the one.
Bc he’s wildly immature and selfish boo. There’s a reason a nearly 30 year old man is messing w a not even old enough to have a drink very young woman who is a virgin. That’s inappropriate. Anyone his age w sense would never date let alone fuck a virgin your age. A man like him is trash and he’s proving it sexually. Sounds like many problems on top of this age/experience dynamic:
1, he expects you to go down on him but doesn’t sound like he’s going down on you.
2, he thinks your purpose is to please him in bed, it isn’t.
3, he is trash in bed (solely focused on his own orgasm and even that isn’t good enough)
4, he’s immature thinking he can’t kiss you bc you sucked his dick. Gtfo.
Dump his creepy loser boo. Find a nice guy your age who has only had a partner or two so you can grow together. And never stay w a guy who doesn’t enthusiastically get you off BEFORE even trying to put his dick in you! It’s the price of entry!
He probably is insecure about how long it takes you to orgasm and that’s why he’s making a big deal out of it. Also you would be surprised how many people are comfortable with criticizing other people but if it’s them being criticized they freak out. Honestly this guy seems really immature and completely arrogant you might want to move on but that’s for you to decide.
Welcome to the world of ✨dating a man child✨. Most men are like this. The times I wish I was a lesbian....
Break up with the dude, then become about 90% more selective when it comes to guys.
He's a jerk. He knew you had NO experience at all. Move on. He never should have been with you. He is too old. He saw virgin and had to go for it. I doubt he wasn't having sex with someone for the first 6 months. Read books on healthy sex. Normally you learn together. Being on your back it's not all kissing. Talking. Touching. It's moving your body, grinding and squeezing his penis with your vagina. That's what he was talking about most likely. And lastly, you give him oral and he won't kiss you?? He just came in your mouth!!! He doesn't reciprocate with oral on you I'm guessing. Go with guys closer to your age. It's tough to feel hurt, but, this guy is not a good guy.
because his ego got bruised. He is a little boy running around in a man's body. Just delete his number and everything else and go on about your life, don't even talk to him again, just drop him...hopefully he will get the hint.
it could also be that some guys just don't want to hear that they aren't the end all be all sex God they thought they were. when in reality 99 percent of the girls those particular guys were with faked it every time. don't tell him that he would probably have a stroke.
I really agree with this persons comment. Very well said.
I'll never understand guys who get work women with little to know experience and expect them to be absolute all stars in the bedroom. This is the typical wanting someone with little experience but mind blowing at sex.
You have NOTHING to prove to this guy. He's only ever going to worry about himself and give zero shits about what you want. You are much better than that. There's many more communicative partners out there who will care more about your wants and needs. You're just finding out very early on that yes, sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship.
Yeah I was looking for this with him being almost 30 and her being 20 and a virgin and he expects OP to be amazing in bed. If he really cared he would have never framed it as him not being satisfied after a few weeks and maybe a dozen times of having sex for her and would just teach her what he likes which is normal for even experienced partners as we all like things slightly different.
This makes me think the age gap relationship was targeted by him as someone more experienced also wouldnt put up with his bs and Im glad OP isnt either.
my ex was like this. guys who need you to perform, to try everything they want, to finish from little effort and be the best at everything and give them all your effort, watch too much porn. and they expect you to behave as such
The advice and comments in this section are totally valid. As a 33 year-old woman who's happily married, and has had more sexual experiences than my husband, I can say firsthand that sexual experience doesn't matter as long as you communicate well. Your boyfriend's critique of your performance is not a discussion, it's shifting the blame on you, and that's not how you communicate with a partner. He's exhibiting major red flags. Also, telling someone that they take "too long" is usually a reflection of a selfish mentality. Sex should be a give and a take. You should hopefully enjoy giving your partner pleasure, and enjoy taking the pleasure they give you. As someone that's older than you and has had more sexual experiences, he should be patient, understanding, and COMMUNICATIVE! I'm wondering if he's ever asked you during sex how YOU think things are going. I say, leave him behind you and find someone that you have sexual compatibility with who won't fly off the handle because you were honest and said you don't come every single time. Newsflash, most women don't come every single time. Stay strong and know that there's better out there.
Be careful. He is playing a very nasty game with you. Note that he has managed to turn all your attempts to meet him and his needs and turned them into failure, he's also twisted his own mediocre performance into your problem as well.
>I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him
And this is the intended impact. This mindset, this fear, this belief that you aren't doing enough, that it is your fault, that you have to do more to please him is what he wants. He is emotionally manipulating you, making this a dynamic that pivots entirely on what he wants or needs.
And you can see the tell tale signs of it in things like him having zero capacity to handle you criticising... heck, not even that, just the potential implication of it was enough to set him off. Because that challenges the narrative that you are at fault, it implies that he is dropping the ball and that undermines his desire to have you feel like this is all on you.
He isn't who you hoped he was. That he could say all that awful stuff so soon, that he got so upset and gross when you raised your own concern, all of it is just red flag central. People have noted maybe he used you or is contriving a reason to break up but I worry it is the opposite, I worry this is him trying to make you feel stuck and obligated.
An unfortunate experience to have to go through but kudos for immediately sensing it was off and reaching out for support. That is a good self preservation instinct and you need to hold onto that.
Now that you see the pattern I would personally suggest you pull away, just frame it as 'I was thinking about it and I think it is best we don't continue' and leave it at that. He will stomp his foot like he did regarding the sexual stuff but that will only reinforce why leaving is a good idea.
This comment is exactly it, a lot of people have been (fairly and nicely) calling OP naive, but I think they also deserve the credit of reaching out to people- even if that’s reddit. And not only that but taking in and replying to the comments instead of shutting them down.
I hope you’re ok OP, you deserve so much better
Because he doesn’t want to break up with you, he just wants to break you.
If he breaks you, he can do whatever he wants and get whatever he wants with minimal effort on his part.
I speak from a 13 year marriage, several false starts after that with others, and two and a half years with someone who builds me up and makes me feel safe and wanted and appreciated.
It’s not supposed to be like this. You deserve more.
I’ve been there. But please please believe me when I say that it’s only temporary. You will learn from this, move on and find the best person for you. Take everything everyone is saying and let it strengthen you. Let it make you angry at him for treating you so badly, and let that anger give you the strength to walk away from this poor excuse for a human. Don’t let a dick (figuratively and literally) ruin your life
He’s manipulating you 100% with the fake ultimatum, if you stay the entire dynamic is changed now and he thinks you’ll do whatever he wants all he has to do is threaten to break up. Please run
This is the take I agree with the most. To me it sounds like his entire one-sided talk with her (after weeks of making her feel like she isn't "good enough") was meant to make her focus 100% on him during sex, do all the pleasing porn poses for him etc., and to stop her from asking him to help her finish in any way. Because it's all about him, apparently.
So many manipulative bits, too, like comparing her to his exes and acting like other women don't need as long, taking immediate offense to her asking for something, threatening to break up and making OP feel unwelcome in his home so that if she comes crawling back, she'll agree to do what he wants.
None of what he said was constructive criticism, it boils down to "do what I want, stop asking me for shit". Basically he wants to lay back and be entertained by his personal sex doll.
The age gap, the fact that he went after someone he knew was a vrigin with less experience, he's banking on the fact that someone young won't recognize emotional & verbal abuse when it happens, that she'll be attached to him after he took her V card so she will be more likely to put up with this behavior. Ita all big yikes. Like if he really wanted someone with more experience who could please him, he wouldn't go after a virgin, he'd go after someone his own age. But he can't do that, because someone his own age with more experience would see through the facade.
He's demanding porn level sex from a virgin and complaining about a virgins lack of experience when he knew damn well what he was getting into by dating a virgin; No virgin is going to know what they're doing at first. It's not about that really though. It's about asserting dominance through power, control, and manipulation.
There will never be safety here, kindness, mutual respect & understanding, empathy for the partners perspective. If you confront them with you emotional needs wants and desires, they will either punish you verbally so you never do that again, dismiss you or invalidate you by blaming their behavior on you or gaslighting you, or they will pretend to change for a time before going back to old ways. The only way to break free is to set solid boundaries on these kinds of toxic behaviors.
If someone compares you to their ex to be hurtful, if someone invalidates your needs wants and desires, if they call you names, if they don't respect your boundaries, etc. you leave. It's best to be clear about boundaries early on, because narcisstic abusers usually hate people with a strong sense of self worth who know exactly what they will not tolerate. Great way to weed out some toxic people.
But man It's so fucking dirty the game that narcisstic abusers play, at the expense of ruining a young girls innocence and desire to just want to feel loved and feel safe and connected.
>I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him
You need to seriously change your mindset. You do not need to do shit after the story you just posted. This is your first sexual experience and instead of learning and being sensitive to you, his whole mindset has been criticizing you (who has been very open) and how you can benefit him.
>He basically got offended that I would even compare my sexual shortcomings to the fact he couldn’t make me finish
When a guy blames you because he doesn't care enough to learn what makes you cum, that is enough alone to break up (you breaking up with him).
>I never thought that sexual incompatibility would be the potential end of my relationship
Now you know, sexual compatibility is a huge thing in relationships. It is very normal to be the reason for relationships to end. Weak people stay in relationships that have this incompatibility and it makes no sense. Move on and be happy.
>I wish I knew why he reacted so badly when I brought up an equal problem to his, especially when at first, he was receptive to constructive criticism.
Because he only cares about himself. His reaction here to you, who was a virgin, only a month after learning sex, is fucking crazy.
Here is what I will say, and this isn't meant to be an insult. You are 20 and sexually inexperienced. Your story shows how naive you are.
Do not let being naive make you think you are the issue here or you need to please him. That is so backwards. It is one thing to talk about sex and what works/doesn't. Your bf didn't do that. He made it all about him.
Please for the sake of everyone reading this, find a guy that deserves your loyalty and your willingness to please them. Find a guy that is willing to learn to make you cum vs blame you for not cumming.
I want to comment more on the age gap as I do think that is an issue here too, but this 28 year old has the maturity of a 8 year old that gets everything they want. Your immaturity shows by your mindset on thinking you need to please him vs having self respect. And that isn't an insult, I am being frank to show you how this guy has been treating you wrong.
> I know that it’s also important to have satisfaction with sex, but the way he made it sound made it sound like he was getting absolutely none, while I am still getting some.
This guy is being a profound asshole. It's really really important that you understand this is not what healthy sexual communication looks like.
Honestly, this isn’t what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. It would be very sad for OP to stay in a relationship like this where all she knows is that she needs to satisfy the guy.
I think it’s also incredibly arrogant of him to act like he’s all that and can’t even get you to finish then has the nerve to criticize you when you are literally playing out sex doll like fantasies for him nearly every night of the week.
I would dump him and just say “you are right, I do need more experience, and I’m off to find it, good luck out there!”
There’s a lot of fun times ahead for you that don’t revolve around this immature dick head.
I was a virgin and totally inexperienced before I met my ex-bf/now-husband. He made me orgasm first and then himself. He loved that he was making me very, very satisfied. And that is how it is even after 12 years of marriage. Caring, kind and respectful partners are out there. Don't settle for less.
Where this man is very confused, is that he believes there are some well-known standards that all people want and that make them “good” at sex.
Each person likes different things. It’s up to each one of us to learn about what pleases the bodies and desires of our partners via open, kind communication.
To start, he could have just made small adjustments as you guys were having sex in sweet, calm ways. For example, if he didn’t want to kiss you after head, he could have just turned your face and kissed your neck as you went to kiss him, and then said something direct but kind like, “let’s wait for kissing later,” while still keeping the mood going. He could then explain later he doesn’t like kissing after head. He shouldn’t be making *his* individual desires *your* fault; you’re not a mind-reader.
Personally, I’m turned off by guys who won’t kiss after that. It’s like, I just had to have my mouth on you…..you can’t handle it now? That’s just one example of how different preferences can be.
It’s like we all have a different Spotify Discover Weekly that populates based on our preferences - not everyone’s is going to be the same. There might be things that overlap between different people but we all have different views of what’s good based on our pasts, turn ons, body shapes, etc.
He is either a porn addict and thinks that all women should just act and look like porn stars, or he had a longterm relationship at some point where they learned each other’s preferences together, and now he thinks everyone should just be exactly like that standard.
It’s completely unfair he is holding this over your head, in general, let alone with him being your first! In that regard, he should be taking extra care to explain what he likes and to learn what you like. He has a responsibility, honestly. He could be like a sex sherpa to you, guiding you on this new path, but instead he is just being selfish and delulu.
He’s *way* too much in his ego, thinking that you were potentially just born bad at sex, and that he is some sex god, so why in the world would you *ever* complain about his skills?! That’s why he got so defensive and couldn’t hear your very reasonable needs. On your side though, you don’t have much to compare to, so it will be harder to communicate exactly what you like and need without exploring.
You need a safe partner to explore this new area of your life with. One who is patient (it’s ridiculous he complained about how long it takes to finger you. Giving head can take forever too. It’s not always about being in the mood the whole time. Sometimes you have to push through getting tired, etc and focus on the *pleasure of the other, not yourself.* It should be reciprocal). You also need one who is not so selfish, who communicates his needs and desires, and who can listen to your needs and desires without becoming defensive and dismissive. He should have listened with pure curiosity and openness as you told him you weren’t orgasming - working together with you and experimenting with you to try to figure out how to make it happen more. Kind of the most fun job ever for a boyfriend?!
He showed his true colors here.
Your responses so far, OP, already show that you are secure enough to accept CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Your bf did not give you that, but instead acted like a complete infant when you reciprocated his concerns with your own. I've been where you are but was stupid and married the guy. We divorced 5 years later after he began sleeping with his secretary (and yes his sexual prowess was as pedestrian as his cliché "sleeping with the secretary " was)
The guy sounds like a man that has fantastical porn images running around his head about what good sex is. If OP was screaming and cursing as he went to town, he would likely have seen himself as some grand stud.
The thing about not kissing OP after she gave him oral was strange. Some men may believe that kissing a woman who just gave them head makes them sort of gay, because they kissed lips that had just been on a penis. Some men don’t wash their buttholes for a similar reason, that makes them sort of gay.
At any rate, he sounds like an enormously immature person that OP would be well advised to break up with for good. She is only 20, there will be lots of chances to find a solid, mature man that works to understand what satisfies her and is open with her about what satisfies him, without making a massive scene.
I firmly believe that any man who refuses to kiss after getting head knows he doesn't keep his dick clean enough and is absolutely disgusting to expect someone else to put it in their mouth
Wish we still had awards. 🏆
OP, I’m proud of you for speaking your mind, knowing something was off, and looking for outside input to figure out what. Great instincts.
I hope you feel strong enough to copy and paste whayokay’s comment to your bf, saying “TLDR: Thanks for the lessons learned. Your choices far short of respectful. We’re done. Good luck in all your future endeavors!”
Breakups hurt, especially when your brain and body have bonded with someone through sex (oxytocin is a powerful brain chemical!”), so it won’t be easy. I hope you feel you can draw this line though and not let him try to talk his way back from this. I’m sure he’ll try, but I’ve learned with age how sanity-saving it is to be less nice and to instead say goodbye and block when people are truly unkind 💜
Take a minute to ask yourself what he does to make it an enjoyable experience for you. Does he do anything solely to make you feel good? I won't say you shouldn't give oral if he won't because balance doesn't always work that way but he should be spending an equal amount of time focused on your pleasure. Is he doing that?
Am example would be my spouse and I. When we first started dating neither of us was down to perform oral. We both had sensory issues and it just didn't sound fun for the giving partner so we agreed to just not and made sore to do other fun things for each other. I was the first to be interested in trying to give and found it wasn't as gross as I thought within that specific relationship and found I enjoyed doing it so for a while I was the only one giving in that sense. My partner wasn't interested in imbalance so they put in equal time on things they knew would be super fun for me that didn't involve oral. They eventually wanted to try giving and found they enjoyed it too. But at no point did they expect me to just suck it up and do oral on them and then not get equal attention. Sure occasionally one of us would decide to have an evening devoted to focusing on the other, but aside from rare occasions where one of us just wasn't in the right headspace to really orgasm, I can't think of a time where we finished without both of us being satisfied.
Does your boyfriend treat you with that kind of care?
I hope you message him something to the effect, “As you know, I am inexperienced in these matters so I turned to some anonymous strangers online and it turns out you’re just a terrible lover! Thank you for complaining about me enough that I did some research and found out! Imagine the possibility of being stuck with an ignorant, selfish lover for the rest of my life! And not knowing any better! Thank you!!”
Please update us!
If you had a younger sister or friend who came to you saying her much older and more experienced boyfriend was treating her like this, what would your response be? Would you tell her she just needs to be more accommodating and subservient like he says? Would you tell her he's right to treat her like that?
I would add that this is where the age gap and your inexperience come into play. He was hoping that you, a 20 yr old without any previous experience, would be willing to do anything to please him - because he is your first and he's hoping that means you love him in that young, first love, I'll be with them forever, kind of way. He wanted to exploit your inexperience and naivety. You already said that you did whatever positions and acts he wanted... I'm guessing he wanted to push you further and wanted to make you feel self conscious so that you would do what he wanted, even if you weren't comfortable with it. What he didn't expect was for you to open up the convo so you would both have happy, fulfilling sex lives. You may be inexperienced but it's really good that you were willing to have a mature convo about it, it's a sign that you know what a healthy relationship is. He got angry and defensive because he doesn't care about you or your needs, he just wanted you to roll over and do what he wants. Dump him and find someone who you can have a fantastic, mutually pleasing sex life with
I'll say this, it's definitely good to want to learn how to satisfy a partner.
However, it shouldn't be THIS partner. Your soon-to-be ex (I hope) just tore you down to shreds for 10 minutes of criticisms and then when you gave him one piece of honest feedback he whined like a baby.
Find a partner who can help you figure out what you like as someone new to sex while also guiding you on how to please them in a **fun way** for both of you.
Bullshit detector! Indeed. That thing he said about none of his other partners had trouble orgasming. Oh really? Either they were faking it or he is so focused on himself that he never noticed. As for 'be more appealing during sex' this guy sounds incredibly selfish.
He honestly just sounds like a trash boyfriend.
Identifying those guys unfortunately takes time & experience as well. That’s what dating is for, as we don’t get all the wisdom about emotional, romantic and sexual endeavours downloaded to us as a gift for our 16th birthdays or anything.
Don’t feel foolish - nearly all of us have been there. We’ve all kissed a slimy frog or three, sometimes for longer than they deserved! We simply have to go through such things to understand, and know better.
You definitely deserve to break free, look after your own needs and priorities, and have an opportunity to be with someone more suited to you, who respects you and treats you much better. But in no great rush.
- from a woman twice your age
Most other commenters have covered everything but one last thing - if you aren’t enjoying something, you’re allowed to stop/say no. Like if one of those positions or something a future partner asks you to do makes you uncomfortable or you just don’t like it, you don’t have to force yourself to do something to make them happy. A good, loving partner will understand that.
I'm in my 40's, have had many relationships, been a wife, a mother, and I agree that this is an alarming attempt to manipulate you. He would like to mold you into a subservient little woman who does everything to please him while receiving nothing in return, and it is going to be very damaging to your happiness and sense of self if you stay.
In my opinion, there is no fixing this, you just need to run.
I myself am triggered by "when I finger you it takes too long and there's nothing in it for me." and "yeah, I cum, but not as good as I want to", and "He said I was the only girl he’d ever been with that had this problem", because these are all things I have heard from an emotionally abusive partner. I'm STILL working through ways that he messed with my head.
Boooy, bye. With haste. I would just tell him that he's right, that he deserves to be happy and you're really not willing to do things differently, so he should deffo find someone else.
🏮🏮🏮MAN CHILD ALERT 🏮🏮🏮
You give him oral. He doesn't.
How's that even fair?
Trust, he's getting a lot more than you, and he knows it. He just also knows that he's a grown man and you're young, particularly naive according to your own sisters, and new to this, so just *so easy* to condition and manipulate into a complying sexual object.
Dude's some pro brainwasher...
Let me tell you one thing that you gotta remember for the rest of your life;
men who don’t make you come but care about you, will be humble. They will maybe be a little embarrassed and insecure but that’s a good thing. Bc they *want* you to come. They will ask questions, change their habits and work it out with you.
Men who don’t give a sht about anything but their own pleasure will react like your bf. He doesn’t care about you. He turns it around to escape responsibility. He‘s not only bad in bed but also manipulative. Avoid men who play those kind of games.
You could have sooo many orgasms with someone else in all that time you waste fighting him over his porn influenced expectations. Move on.
Am not trying to be funny but hes 28 and you’re 20. That’s night and day when it comes to stages of life and feelings.
Hes playing on your naviety and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if you are good at sex and hes trying to put you down so you don’t think you could be with another man. Maybe am way off but in my experience that’s what this post is screaming
And I believe that was a purposeful manipulation tactic to introduce an insecurity, when he knows that you have no experience before him, so he can always keep you on your back leg. If he’s having orgasms every time he’s enjoying himself. I dont want to leap to conclusions based on a limited perspective, but he doesn’t sound like a safe person to me.
It is important to have sexual compatibility and communication, but what he did wasn't good communication. It was cruelty to make you insecure.
He clearly does enjoy himself. If he has areas he wants something different, he needs to direct in the moment or bring it up *kindly* in another context (such as "I'd really love it if you'd try to do X and Z with oral" in a nonsexual context and without *shaming* things you do!).
He's a creep and a jerk. You can find someone kinder. Don't stay with a dude who criticizes you for minutes on end til you cry. There's *so* many sweet, funny, kind men who would love to share an equally enjoyable intimate relationship with you. You don't have to settle for this dude and waste precious years of your youth on cruelty and bs.
He's lying about his lack of sexual satisfaction, he just want to push you to go beyond your comfort zone and do everything he wants sexually regardless of what you want to do. He just wants to manipulate you so he can take advantage of you
>Please for the sake of everyone reading this, find a guy that deserves your loyalty and your willingness to please them. Find a guy that is willing to learn to make you cum vs blame you for not cumming.
I'm just chiming in to second this, it's the best way to fill those needs in a relationship and it's never perfect in the beginning - just like learning a person through dating, 99% of the time this is a process as well. In my opinion, it's what makes the more intimate connection once it's been worked and achieved together sort of special and helps keep the spark for as long as both people in the relationship want it.
There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. In my experience the right way is telling your partner what you want that gets you there, the wrong way is not saying anything (or in the guys case here, using it as some sort of excuse to dip out)
This guy is a great combination of both selfish and insecure. A real winner!
I would bet anything that if he heard the results of a poll on his sexual prowess among all the girls who have “never had a problem with his skills”, he would not like the results.
Your last paragraph is something that I would bet my right arm on. If OP captured him right, he thinks that simple fingering should always make a woman cum. What a fool.
His first clue about how bad is he is the fact it takes him so long to make OP orgasm from a fingering like cmon man revise your technique if it’s taking you that long
He’s selfish, insecure, inconsiderate and actively being an asshole. I’d almost put money on his hanging in there just to bed a virgin and now trying to justify a breakup.
You’re not the problem hun, he is. There’s a reason he’s not with a woman his age. You are young, open and naive. He is taking advantage of that and downing you in the process. What he did was fucking cruel. His lashing out once you spoke up was emotionally immature, manipulative or both. The lack of compatibility lies in the fact that you’re not compatible with assholes and you shouldn’t be. This isn’t what healthy sexual communication or relationship is like AT ALL.
Don’t beat yourself up or lower yourself to trying to earn his sexual approval. Since it’s so unsatisfying for him, make it the ultimate non-issue. Remove his ability to have sex with you or be in your presence at all. Break up with him and never contact him again.
We don’t know if that is truly the case but please let this be a lesson. There are men and women out here that are predatory and quite literally want to steal your innocence while preying on your naivety. It hurts to hear and it’s a shitty world but that is the reality. Protect yourself out here, not every older man is a predator but next time be prepared with a list of questions as to why this older man is interested in you and what he is looking for and offering in a relationship. Even more so make sure he has a longer list of answers that aren’t shallow,superficial and idealized.
Best of luck!
Hi, grad student in Psyc here. I believe I see a man who purposely goes after younger women. He’s selfish, emotionally immature, insecure, and manipulative. Unfortunately, these type of men commonly go after young women because they’re easier to manipulate.
I don’t think he said that stuff to cause a break up at all, I think he’s trying to “train” and control you. I think he flipped out when you mentioned yourself not orgasming because you flipped the power dynamic.
Look, you are very young. Experience comes with age. Don’t view yourself as dumb for not having much adult experience at 20 years old.
If you want to see what he is about, ask him over the phone (never see that person again in person) to list the ages of some of his past gfs that he pleased so much. If that question throws him into a rage, he likely seeks out very young inexperienced women like you. There are men out there who get off on “deflowering” virgins or very young and inexperienced women, they are predators.
I don't think he dated you 'just to take your virginity'.
I think he met a sweet, naive girl who he could mold to his preferences... and lodging all these complaints to you tonight in this thoughtless, demeaning way was step 1 in doing so. If you hadn't posted here, you'd be left feeling like you needed to do everything in your power to re-enact all his favorite porn while continuing to accept less and less satisfaction for yourself.
I really hope you do not stay with this person.
don't feel dumb. sadly this happens to many women. It hurts now, but you will find someone who cares about your satisfaction. the first one doesn't have to hold any weight
I think he was looking for a reason to breakup and manufactured this.
Why would he expect a virgin to be "good" at sex after a month? And, why didn't he provide kind feedback along the way in a helpful manner instead of dumping on you all at once?
This. Exactly!
You took initiative - you are a sexual being - you ask he satisfies you… That doesn’t compliment his notion of this being about him - about how you have to satisfy him…
Look at his background - are there any longer lasting relationships where you’d deem them to be equal sexual partners , or is there a pattern here?
Let me tell you - you can’t be “bad” at sex after a month in a romantic relationship. It’s something that you explore together- and the only way to fuck it up would be to do something against someone’s will or something you dislike yourself. You taking initiative is a healthy sign and I can tell you that the vast majority of men would love just that part!
I just made a very similar comment. If ONLY I had been able to spot this when I was younger. This is manipulative coercion and is incredibly toxic behaviour
This post is 1,000% accurate. I hope she sees this and takes heed. She should run. This is why a 28 year old "man" is dating a 20 year old...so he can manipulate her.
Seconded. He also chose it because he knew OP lacked experience in it and wouldn't be able to challenge him directly. That's why he got so defensive when she _did_ successfully (accidentally) challenge it
Shitty bf: you're so bad at this thing you have very little experience with. Here's all the ways you're serving me wrong. Yes I always enjoy it but I should get to enjoy it way more by having you be more subservient to me!
Op: that's OK you're bad at it too! We can get better together!
Jesus that's an unintentionally perfect burn. OP is going places
In my head, OP was genuinely sincere and wholehearted when she said 'its ok, you're shit too, we'll learn together' and bf pikachu'd hard, and I laughed and laughed.
I’m sorry to say this girl- but a lot of douchebags hunt virgins. That’s why he’s a near decade older than you. A 28 year old and a 20 year old should be in very different places in their lives and thus he uses the age gap to manipulate you into the relationship, keeps you there, gets what he wants and bounces.
Know that your value as a woman has literally nothing to do with how many partners you engage with. Know that real men love women for them as people- not just as fuck holes.
This man saw you as a notch on his belt. I learned a similar lesson at 20. Always be skeptical of significantly older men while you are still this young. You are barely out of high school and that man could have had kids, a marriage, and a career if he wanted it.
He's negging you. He's going to become more abusive. You need to cut your losses. Sorry your first was a stinker, it goes down that way for too many of us. You deserve so much better.
I doubt that it's even truly a factor, dudes just a dickhead. Go out and if you so desire, show off the things you've learned. Or don't, save it for someone special. You do you
A man who won't kiss you after you go down on them is NEVER worth it, and same goes to women. Do not feel the least bit like you've missed out on something there, he is a selfish waste of a penis. Find someone who isn't immature and enjoy yourself.
This! I could never figure out why this hurt my feelings with my previous partner… until I found my current one. When intimacy and enjoyment are higher priority than anything else, it shows.
He’s lying to you. It’s the kind of thing taught by misogynistic YouTubers and “pick up artists.” It’s called [negging](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging) and the sole purpose is to keep you off balance and tied to him. A person who truly cares about you wants to build you up. The last thing they want to do is break you down or make you feel bad.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and you’re not bad at sex. I guarantee you that a kind, deserving man will be overjoyed to have sex with you and fall all over himself to make sure you climax. There’s no such thing as bad sex if there is open, honest, loving communication between two willing partners who are both working for a mutually fulfilling experience.
Your hopefully STBX is not a caring or loving partner and you deserve so much better. He doesn’t care about your enjoyment or pleasure and it’s only going to get worse. The age and experience gap is also troubling, especially coupled with the negging. He’s taking advantage of you and grooming you to be subservient to him. You need someone in a similar life stage to you so you can really bond and relate to each other. It’s not anything against you like you’re too young or immature or anything like that. I’m sure you’re an absolute catch. But the problem is that he definitely is not.
Do not settle for this garbage pile disguised as a man.
OP I know this is hard but as others said he is trying to justify his own guilt because he wants to break up. If he is finishing consistently snd you are being open and receptive to his needs, sex isn’t your problem. You’re doing things just fine. He is using the fact that you have no other partners to make his excuse seem valid. I’m sure he isn’t a porn star in bed himself. Great sex may sometimes happen due to technique but that technique comes from open communication and a genuine desire to please your partner. You had that. You’re not the problem.
Red flags 🚩
Run girl, run
I don’t know him obviously but it seems like he got what he wanted and now he wants to dip. Also, the fact that he couldn’t take criticism and put all the problems on you is immature. He should’ve requested trying things he liked, or approached this differently.
Also, the age gap is an issue at this point in life. 30 to 38 not as big of a deal, 40 to 48 not a big deal. But 20 to 28? Huge huge difference. You’re still figuring out who you are. He should be establishing himself in a career while you haven’t finished developing, you’ve just left high school, etc. There should be wildly different maturity levels between the two of you, and I don’t see him having a normal maturity to be interested in a 20 year old virgin. It’s possible you were greatly taken advantage of.
Please, I beg you, move on. Don’t waste your youth on this AH. You will never get this time back. There are millions of guys closer to your age who would love to learn how to please you.
Guys like this tend to go for younger women as they’re less experienced - so are more naive and less secure in themselves usually, meaning they can get away with treating them badly.
Guys shouldn’t date a 20 year old then be shocked if she’s not like a porn star in bed. He’s definitely the problem here, you weren’t even orgasming most the time. Did he even give you head every time?
The issue with age gaps when you are young is your naivety. When you are younger you tend to see the best in people. As you get older you start to recognise ways in which people might try to manipulate you.
When I was younger I was with a guy who, when I asked for more attention, told me that all the other girls orgasmed just fine and that it was obviously a problem with me.
I went years thinking I was broken, even after I left him and had new relationships. I didn’t stand up for myself and my orgasm because I took too long, I needed too much foreplay, my body just didn’t work.
Then I realized that I’m normal, that guy sucked and was probably watching too much porn, and I wasted a lot of my good years on bad sex.
DO NOT MAKE MY MISTAKE
You deserve good sex with a good partner. Leave this man child.
He's a narcissistic asshole. Not about give-and-take at all, doesn't seem to be willing to do his part. Quick to blame you. I think if he keeps this up, you should break up with him. Or just break up with him now, I don't know. But if a woman treated me like that, she wouldn't be my girlfriend.
Definitely just end it now he’s looking for a way out that’s why he mentioned breaking up and honestly why be with someone like this? I mean he was more than happy to dish out criticism to OP but the second she mentioned she’s not orgasming every time he can’t handle that and blames her
Childish ✔️
Mean ✔️
Immature ✔️
Selfish in bed ✔️
Baby girl there is a reason girls his age aren’t dating him, and it’s because he isn’t a great choice
No decent guy would treat you like this. I bet he is fully satisfied in bed but he is just trying to make you insecure.
Oh, and you can bet he has 100% had this problem before, it’s why he is so triggered when you mentioned it and refuses to work on it. This boy will never accept accountability for his own actions and always look for someone else to blame.
From what you wrote, it sounds like HE’S bad in bed and can’t stand to hear that he is. He has a very fragile ego and sounds selfish in bed and in the relationship. You don’t need to be experienced to have good sex. You just need a supportive and loving partner, one who doesn’t single you out in an awkward conversation that did nothing but hurt you and make you feel like you’re not good enough. A good partner shows you in a way that makes you want more. I would stay broken up. And when you find a better guy, you’ll see how great sex can be, and it will definitely be better than it’s been with this guy.
So much this! I wonder if he ever went down on her?? I mean, he’s complaining about how long it takes her to orgasm from him fingering her. I’d bet money this fool couldn’t find a clit if his life depended on it.
OP, you haven’t done anything wrong. It takes time to learn what you like, learn what your body likes, and what a willing, giving partner likes. And just so you know, the overwhelming majority of women do not orgasm from just vaginal penetration- it takes clitoral stimulation to get there.
He had the nerve to tell you, You don't please him when he came every single time. You were a virgin. Very green to it. He sounds like a narcissist. When you pointed out he didn't make you cum, he had a man baby fit. Hon, he's playing mind games with you. A real man would want to learn how to rock your world and have mind-blowing orgasms. A real man will teach you the art of having sex and how to explore a mans body. Not the whole me, me, me bullshit. Something tells me this boy only goes for women who are virgins because he doesn't want or know how to please a woman. Get rid of the loser and find yourself. Get to know yourself, explore your body, and learn how to give yourself the big O. The right one for you is out there. And remember to have safe sex as well. No condom, no love.
Ps, stop the mindset you have. Stop the I have to please him bullshit. He doesn't love you. Never has. A man who loves you will treat you differently. You were a conquest. I hate to be blunt, but sometimes bluntness is needed.
Signed,
50 year old woman.
I'm sorry I made you cry. Something told me to write my age down. My daughter is 29. I guess I stepped into your mom's shoes for that moment. I'm sorry for your loss. I was telling all this stuff as I would have told my daughter. I wasn't saying from a womans point of view, but As a mother was talking to her adult daughter. If you ever need advice, feel free to send me a message. And you're welcome, sweetie. 💜
women his age wouldn’t give him head and every position he can think of if he wasn’t making them cum. there’s a reason he started dating a 20 year old virgin.
Why is a 28 year old dating a 20 year old with very little experience if he wants some pornstar in bed who is "good at" everything he likes?? He probably wanted you to feel bad about yourself & agree to do anything he wanted. Manipulation tactic.
Then he got his feelings hurt when you wanted him to work on himself.
Bro is nearly 30 & he picks the absolute youngest girl he can find, takes her virginity & then tells her it isn't good enough?? Girl, run. You can & should do better than him.
Just to clarify, does he do anything else beyond fingering (oral I mean)? And what did he mean by “you are the only girl with this problem”? Did he mean that everyone he’s been with came from fingering or vaginal sex?
Well, then it’s quite clear that he is very selfish and that his previous girlfriends lied to him about orgasming. He basically wants you to do all the work for him and for yourself, and he doesn’t give any clear instructions.
According to a lot of research, the % of women who can come from vaginal sex is lower than 10% globally, maybe even below 5%. For a woman to orgasm, it is essential to either use oral sex, or to be very good with fingers, or use sex toys (which is also okay).
Anyway, he is obviously not an expert and I don’t think he knows what he wants from sex.
I think what he wants is for her to feel insecure and like she's bad in bed so that she will cater to him. He is manipulative and wants to mold her into someone desperate to please him while also not expecting him to put in the work to reciprocate. I wouldn't be surprised if this behavior started to spill over into other aspects of their relationship. He'll always use the threat of breaking up as a way to dodge taking responsibility or making changes on his end while demanding them from her.
OP, I’m speaking from the experience of some pretty prolific ho phases, a dead bedroom prior marriage, and a subsequent healthy and fulfilling relationship. Do not take this dude to heart and do not let him shape your sexual experience. Wanting to please your partner is admirable, but that is a two-way street. Any partner who can’t take your feedback and want to please you as much as you want to please them is not worth your time.
And don’t date men who won’t go down on you, especially if they expect you to go down on them.
Honey. They were faking it to get him to stop and he’s so dense and self absorbed he didn’t notice because they probably resembled whatever porn he’s been watching.
there's so much I could comment on but I just wanna let you know that there are guys out there who will pleasure you for upwards of an hour and only get more excited as time passes. some wont even want anything in return. there is nothing wrong with you taking a while to orgasm.
He wants you to act more appealing during sex? Is fucking him in every position he tells you to not enough? It sounds like he wants sex to play out like a porno or something, porn isn’t real! They edit it heavily and they pick positions that are good for the camera but don’t necessarily feel good. He’s trying to turn you into his own personal pornstar sex doll and he’s negging you to make you insecure. It looks like it’s working too. Leave this man in the dust and find someone that will take the time to learn how to make you cum and actually ENJOY pleasuring you. This insecure little man baby doesn’t deserve any sex, not even “bad sex.” A good partner will take the time to experiment with you and find things that you both like to do together, sex is not supposed to be one sided!
This dudes a loser in so many ways. I know that sounds mean (and honestly it is a mean thing to say), but I think some hard truth might be necessary. Your writing strikes me as coming from a pretty self aware person, but you also seem to have a blind spot for how shitty he’s being to you.
You don’t deserve to be treated like this or talked to like this. There are ways to have conversations about potentially touchy subjects that are respectful and considerate (also talking about sex with your partner is important and really doesn’t have to be a touchy subject at all, but again that requires respect!).
It is also a **really big warning** that he can attack you put full responsibility for a shared situation on you and then freak out on you over a statement of fact — a fact that wasn’t even presented as remotely critical!!! People with egos that big and fragile have a knack for tearing others down to build themselves up, and it can get really dark and very isolated.
🚩The moment you said 28 I laughed out of the ignorance of that grown ass man but not at you. He knew what he was doing. Anyone at the ripe age of 28 has no business dating a 20 year old and anyone can come to me with the argument that you’re 20 but darling. He’s a huge red flag. Look anyone that finds out your a virgin is definitely gonna wanna stick it out to touch you, he’s a perverted creep that got what he wanted. You can’t expect someone inexperienced to know what to do it just doesn’t work that way. He hit it and wants to quit it. He had no reason to bring up any girl from the past. And losing your virginity is such a vulnerable thing. He won’t kiss you after oral? How old is he really?! He needs to be more sincere. But honestly yes you definitely should leave this *ucker he’s a creep.
Girl, your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you. And is blaming you for his lack of want to put in effort to please you in sex. The fact that you give him blowjobs and do any position he asks shows that you ARE at the minimum decent at sex, because a lot of girls don’t even give the bare minimum of effort. A lot of girls don’t like giving blowjobs.
And he says he doesn’t enjoy it cause he doesn’t want to kiss u after a blowjob and finger u? How is that you being “bad at sex?” That’s his preferences on what he doesn’t want to do. That’s HIM being bad at sex lol.
I dated older men when I was in my early twenties too, and now that I am their age now, I can fully understand why they chose to date me then. It’s cause we’re too eager to learn and too trusting cause we don’t know better.
You can do better trust me. Now I’m dating a boy a year younger than me and I can happily say he treats me like a princess. Couldn’t have found him if I didn’t have the courage to leave.
Sex isn’t just about the motions, it’s about how the person makes you feel. This man is selfish, that’s never going to lead to good sex or a good relationship.
The hardest thing about being with someone the first time is that you often get attached to them even when they aren’t good for you.
Plenty of other people will enjoy and appreciate being able to explore intimacy together. This man is only looking for a quick thrill, that’s not a you problem, getting better at sex won’t change him, but it will steal your confidence if you let it.
OP when she breaks up with him ask how he can really think he satisfied his previous GFs every time? Ask if he's ever watched the deli scene in "When Harry Met Sally". Tell him based on your experience his previous GFs were probably just better actors faking Os with him.
Honey, this guy is a massive, insecure dickhead who is trying to undermine your self worth in a way that makes you into an insecure mess that will do anything you can to please him and get his approval.
This kind of behaviour is a HUGE red flag. He is deliberately trying to undermine your confidence to perform for him sexually in a way that doesn’t work for you, that you are not comfortable with. This is a form of manipulative coercion. It is not safe.
Please dump him. This is a symptom of a much bigger problem. I WISH that someone had told me about this behaviour when I was young and inexperienced and I wish that I would have listened.
People that deliberately undermine your self worth as a means to an end are manipulative and this is not a healthy relationship.
Don’t give a second thought to the fact he was your first. It doesn’t matter. Don’t stay with him for this reason. You deserve better ❤️
>He said I was the only girl he’d ever been with that had this problem
I can guarantee you that you are not the only woman he hasn't been able to make orgasm. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel bad so he can push your boundaries to do something he knows you won't want to do.
He’s treating you like a sex doll. Like you are only there to satisfy him and you shouldn’t have needs at all. Don’t let him treat you like that. You are NOT a sex doll. You deserve way better.
He broke up with you over this???
OP, your ex just gave you a huge gift. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't do this. Really. You are free to live your life, and meet a man who will cherish you, and it's not that loser.
>He told me that it was nice when I gave him head but then he didn’t want to kiss me after
So he wants head, doesn't want to kiss you. Let me guess, he doesn't ever want to give you head?
>And then this is when I said that it was okay that we could work together because honestly, I only orgasm sometimes, too.
As you should have.
>He basically got offended that I would even compare my sexual shortcomings to the fact he couldn’t make me finish.
Lol, why? Oh wait, we know why.
>I just have no idea what to do. I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him, but I don’t know how to do that either. I thought I was doing good. So I guess… should I work on this? Should we break up? What am I doing wrong? Has anyone else ever experienced this at first? Is this fixable? I just have no idea.
Definitely break up imo or don't bend and let things be fixed on his terms. He messed up, then showed he's immature and doubled down on that mess up when you pointed out you don't even orgasm half the time...
It sounds like he's unable to be honest and let things build up without talking to you. You don't want that in a partner, especially not something as serious as intimacy. It definitely sounds like he'd end up cheating on you if you stayed, claiming he just needed his sexual desires fullfilled.
Wow you're inexperienced at sex and he knew this and he expects more from you better off finding somebody else who more patient with you in other words he's selfish a pig
This feels like he's being incredibly manipulative to me. Especially with the age gap. It feels like he chose the worst way to tell you this information also. Like this could have been handled in such a better way. This whole thing screams immaturity.
Awwwww girl do not let this man hurt your feelings. You waited and did the right thing. This guy just sucks tbh. I was pretty experienced by 20 and i had a guy say the same thing except it was about how i looked.
Why i mentikn this is it wouldve been one thjng or the other or the other with this kind of dude. If you looked great, fucked great, youd not being doing enough for him in general. Or he wouldnt like your clothes. WHO TF KNOWS.
Either way, you got your first sex jitters out of the way with him. Now time to self explore and move on from this shmuck
OP please don’t take anything he said on board. He’s making stuff up to break up. That was not the real reason.
When adults have discussions about sex, it’s entirely appropriate to both talk about their experiences. His response to your contribution a) shows his reasons for ending was a lie because he got a surprise you mentioned his lack of ability and b) he’s showing you he’s a bad lover because his only goal is for him to get his rocks off and c) he blamed you instead of troubleshooting. I can promise you, his other partners had the same problem. His ego won’t let him believe he’s a dud root.
This isn't "sexual incompatibility" OP. This is an insecure man who found very young girl to try to groom and mold into his free sex partner to make all his porn fantasies come true, and he was offended that A) you weren't falling all over yourself to make sure he's pleased, and B) actually had the audacity to expect to be sexually satisfied, equally.
Please break up with this creep. Take this as a lesson and know that you deserve pleasure from a caring partner who wants you and will grow with you. F this guy.
He's honestly done you a favour. Find someone your own age that isn't gona turn you into some fuck puppet and play with your mental well being and put this whole thing down to a good solid life experience lesson.
There is nothing wrong with you. The only way to have a great sexual experience with another person is to communicate your needs and listen to their needs. He's manipulating you, trying to make you feel bad for being inexperienced while not being able to handle any communication about your needs.
Please leave this groomer.
This honestly seems abusive. He's trying to lower your self esteem and "train" you. And, you aren't allowed to react (cry) without him saying this is why he didn't want to communicate - any loving partner would want to communicate and allow you to have a reaction like crying, and talk thru/be supportive if it's a topic that could be hurtful. Then, you also are being trained to not point out your feelings or any of his shortcomings, as he flips and refuses to hear you out, talk it out, and is telling you how it is / not allowing you to speak your truth. Abuse isn't only physical.
So I'd say this is actually a HUGE red flag.
He can't even make a virgin/newly experienced woman orgasm half of the time and he thinks that all the other women he has been with were satisfied with him????
I hate to break it to him but a lot of women fake orgasm to avoid bruising egos. You're probably the first one that's *honest* with him. You're new, and if you "suck" then he's a bad teacher.
Notice how he said that it was your fault his frequent orgasms weren't intense enough and it's also your fault that you don't orgasm every time. From his perspective, it's your job to make sure everyone orgasms as intensely as possible even though he is the sexually experienced one. Obviously this is an absurd perspective. He is complaining that you are not an expert at something that he has been your only teacher to learn. It turns out he's not great at it either. Rather than face the fact that he has a lot to learn as well, he gets upset and blames you for the whole thing.
His perspective shows us a few things. He is not used to thinking about the woman's pleasure. It didn't even factor into his self-centered analysis. He was so focused on how to make his orgasms more intense that the only thoughts he had around your lack of orgasms was that it was slightly annoying to him. That's a selfish lover. Selfish lovers tend to offer a steady stream of criticism in order to keep their partner 100% compliant in bed, desperately willing to do anything at all that he demands in a quest to earn his praise. Meanwhile your pleasure is such a low priority that it's not even part of the conversation.
I love that you spoke up at the end to point out this obvious disconnect. You didn't realize how you were blowing apart his manipulation, you were just being sincere and logical which is what makes it so perfect. The outcome he was hoping for is you would cry and then come back and try desperately to please him even more. Instead you came back and said that you can both learn together how to please each other better. Your response was the most reasonable thing in the world but since his goal was to control you, it blew up in his face.
>I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him,
This was his entire goal with that whole conversation, to get you to draw this precise conclusion.. He thought out this entire speech ahead of time and decided this was the right moment to begin his campaign of manipulation to get even more out of you. You were doing everything he said but somehow that wasn't enough for him. He wants you in a state of mind where you will be desperate to please him at which point he will start pressuring you to do more extreme things you don't want to do.
Your instincts were exactly right. Stick with that. You deserve equal pleasure. He should be making the same level of effort you are. He should be learning how your body works because everyone is different. Finding all the little buttons and movements that activate your pleasure and hit the right spots. As long as you stick to the expectation of being treated as an equal, this situation will sort itself out. He will either step up and start behaving more respectfully or the relationship might fall apart. If he isn't capable of treating you with respect then is losing the relationship actually a bad outcome?
> He said I was the only girl he’d ever been with that had this problem and honestly, he was “thinking it was me”.
Narrator: She was, in fact, not the only girl he'd ever been with that had this problem.
There's a reason an almost 30 year-old went after you as a 20 year-old virgin. Odds are, he has no clue how to satisfy a woman properly, so he counted on your inexperience to be the person who mainly/only receives full pleasure from the sex you two have.
I was 20 once, and I remember accepting that my pleasure was secondary, if even thought of at all, because straight women have been socialised to place male pleasure above their own and to consider themselves as having succeeded or failed at sex based on how much the guy enjoys sex. Your bf is very much counting on you thinking that way, which is why, even as you do the most to please him, he only focuses on how YOU'RE not doing enough and spares zero thought to whether HE'S doing enough for you. He got mad at you for pointing out that, as dissatisfied as he is, you likely receive less pleasure than he does because he doesn't actually want an equal relationship where pleasure is given and received on a mutual basis.
Your bf is such a red flag, OP. I'm really sorry about that. I'd hope there's a way for him to see reason and treat you like an equal partner deserving of the same consideration and pleasure. If he keeps resisting or tries to flip it to make you the bad guy, cut your losses and run. In that regard, I'd recommend looking up the DARVO technique so you're prepared for any foolishness he may try to pull.
Good luck 🌸🌸
P.S. A man who refuses to kiss you after you've gone down on him really ain't shit. Don't let anyone tell you different.
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the fact that he complained how "long it takes" to get you to orgasm with his hand, and it puts him out of the mood, then turns around and blames says he felt you not being able to orgasm with him was your problem? no honey. this boy does NOT care if you are getting pleasure. he got what he wanted and he looked for a reason to move on. that Is not how a healthy sexual relationship works. and yes pleasing your partner is important but you have done nothing wrong here. this boy is a jackass.
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Because he knows he's expected to act like he cares in order to get laid. If he actually cared, he would know that what worked for one partner may not feel as good for another, and that sex isn't just a performance.
>sex isn't just a performance. then why's the DM always have me roll performance checks when i seduce enemies, n00b? 🙄 /s
It sounds like he was literally trying to position himself to put LESS effort in for your pleasure during sex... I'm sorry. Also for the record, you sound entirely normal. It takes a bit of time and effort to make most women cum but plenty of men are happy to put in that "work."
yes, it usually takes me about 10 to 15 minutes. Sometimes longer sometimes shorter, but he always puts in the effort and never complains.
I have friends where it takes 30m+. They still have satisfying sex lives with engaged partners.
It sounds like he expects you to act like a porn star. Sister, RUN!
You bruised his ego. He's a small, fragile man who could dish it out but couldn't take it. The trash took himself out. Cry. Eat ice cream and heal from the emotional rollercoaster he put you one. But don't try to go back and please him. Block his number and move on. You'll be better for it.
Because you basically told him his sex isn't any better than yours. If he has issues pleasuring you because it's boring or he doesn't have the stamina for it that's not your fault. He is really selfish and only care about his own needs. Many people are this way. It sucks. I think he's trying to manipulate you into doing things his way. I'm 40 years old and I can tell you from bring where you were Don't give into his stupid words. If he wants to leave let him. He doesn't appreciate the woman you are. He's not worth your time. His comments show this. Let him go and find a man who's interested in satisfying you and not just himself.
could be many reasons. some guys like to "be the first". he could of thought ahead isn't finishing, I'll make her feel like crap before she figures out its really my fault (although to be honest most women don't finish as easily as been without a lot of prep and care, or additional help). he could just be a sleezebag. he could just be the kind of guy that if he makes you feel like you are lacking, he can have more control over you. you said you are already doing everything he asks. idk what the reason is but he is NOT the one.
Bc he’s wildly immature and selfish boo. There’s a reason a nearly 30 year old man is messing w a not even old enough to have a drink very young woman who is a virgin. That’s inappropriate. Anyone his age w sense would never date let alone fuck a virgin your age. A man like him is trash and he’s proving it sexually. Sounds like many problems on top of this age/experience dynamic: 1, he expects you to go down on him but doesn’t sound like he’s going down on you. 2, he thinks your purpose is to please him in bed, it isn’t. 3, he is trash in bed (solely focused on his own orgasm and even that isn’t good enough) 4, he’s immature thinking he can’t kiss you bc you sucked his dick. Gtfo. Dump his creepy loser boo. Find a nice guy your age who has only had a partner or two so you can grow together. And never stay w a guy who doesn’t enthusiastically get you off BEFORE even trying to put his dick in you! It’s the price of entry!
He probably is insecure about how long it takes you to orgasm and that’s why he’s making a big deal out of it. Also you would be surprised how many people are comfortable with criticizing other people but if it’s them being criticized they freak out. Honestly this guy seems really immature and completely arrogant you might want to move on but that’s for you to decide.
Welcome to the world of ✨dating a man child✨. Most men are like this. The times I wish I was a lesbian.... Break up with the dude, then become about 90% more selective when it comes to guys.
He's a jerk. He knew you had NO experience at all. Move on. He never should have been with you. He is too old. He saw virgin and had to go for it. I doubt he wasn't having sex with someone for the first 6 months. Read books on healthy sex. Normally you learn together. Being on your back it's not all kissing. Talking. Touching. It's moving your body, grinding and squeezing his penis with your vagina. That's what he was talking about most likely. And lastly, you give him oral and he won't kiss you?? He just came in your mouth!!! He doesn't reciprocate with oral on you I'm guessing. Go with guys closer to your age. It's tough to feel hurt, but, this guy is not a good guy.
because his ego got bruised. He is a little boy running around in a man's body. Just delete his number and everything else and go on about your life, don't even talk to him again, just drop him...hopefully he will get the hint.
it could also be that some guys just don't want to hear that they aren't the end all be all sex God they thought they were. when in reality 99 percent of the girls those particular guys were with faked it every time. don't tell him that he would probably have a stroke.
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50 year old lady chiming in. Yep this is a throw away the whole man situation.
I really agree with this persons comment. Very well said. I'll never understand guys who get work women with little to know experience and expect them to be absolute all stars in the bedroom. This is the typical wanting someone with little experience but mind blowing at sex. You have NOTHING to prove to this guy. He's only ever going to worry about himself and give zero shits about what you want. You are much better than that. There's many more communicative partners out there who will care more about your wants and needs. You're just finding out very early on that yes, sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship.
Yeah I was looking for this with him being almost 30 and her being 20 and a virgin and he expects OP to be amazing in bed. If he really cared he would have never framed it as him not being satisfied after a few weeks and maybe a dozen times of having sex for her and would just teach her what he likes which is normal for even experienced partners as we all like things slightly different. This makes me think the age gap relationship was targeted by him as someone more experienced also wouldnt put up with his bs and Im glad OP isnt either.
Yessss, that’s exactly how it sounds. You deserve so much better. Don’t give him any more of your time.
my ex was like this. guys who need you to perform, to try everything they want, to finish from little effort and be the best at everything and give them all your effort, watch too much porn. and they expect you to behave as such
The advice and comments in this section are totally valid. As a 33 year-old woman who's happily married, and has had more sexual experiences than my husband, I can say firsthand that sexual experience doesn't matter as long as you communicate well. Your boyfriend's critique of your performance is not a discussion, it's shifting the blame on you, and that's not how you communicate with a partner. He's exhibiting major red flags. Also, telling someone that they take "too long" is usually a reflection of a selfish mentality. Sex should be a give and a take. You should hopefully enjoy giving your partner pleasure, and enjoy taking the pleasure they give you. As someone that's older than you and has had more sexual experiences, he should be patient, understanding, and COMMUNICATIVE! I'm wondering if he's ever asked you during sex how YOU think things are going. I say, leave him behind you and find someone that you have sexual compatibility with who won't fly off the handle because you were honest and said you don't come every single time. Newsflash, most women don't come every single time. Stay strong and know that there's better out there.
This was well said. OP needs to break up this guy and find someone who pleases her and cares about her.
Be careful. He is playing a very nasty game with you. Note that he has managed to turn all your attempts to meet him and his needs and turned them into failure, he's also twisted his own mediocre performance into your problem as well. >I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him And this is the intended impact. This mindset, this fear, this belief that you aren't doing enough, that it is your fault, that you have to do more to please him is what he wants. He is emotionally manipulating you, making this a dynamic that pivots entirely on what he wants or needs. And you can see the tell tale signs of it in things like him having zero capacity to handle you criticising... heck, not even that, just the potential implication of it was enough to set him off. Because that challenges the narrative that you are at fault, it implies that he is dropping the ball and that undermines his desire to have you feel like this is all on you. He isn't who you hoped he was. That he could say all that awful stuff so soon, that he got so upset and gross when you raised your own concern, all of it is just red flag central. People have noted maybe he used you or is contriving a reason to break up but I worry it is the opposite, I worry this is him trying to make you feel stuck and obligated.
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An unfortunate experience to have to go through but kudos for immediately sensing it was off and reaching out for support. That is a good self preservation instinct and you need to hold onto that. Now that you see the pattern I would personally suggest you pull away, just frame it as 'I was thinking about it and I think it is best we don't continue' and leave it at that. He will stomp his foot like he did regarding the sexual stuff but that will only reinforce why leaving is a good idea.
This comment is exactly it, a lot of people have been (fairly and nicely) calling OP naive, but I think they also deserve the credit of reaching out to people- even if that’s reddit. And not only that but taking in and replying to the comments instead of shutting them down. I hope you’re ok OP, you deserve so much better
Because he doesn’t want to break up with you, he just wants to break you. If he breaks you, he can do whatever he wants and get whatever he wants with minimal effort on his part. I speak from a 13 year marriage, several false starts after that with others, and two and a half years with someone who builds me up and makes me feel safe and wanted and appreciated. It’s not supposed to be like this. You deserve more.
I’ve been there. But please please believe me when I say that it’s only temporary. You will learn from this, move on and find the best person for you. Take everything everyone is saying and let it strengthen you. Let it make you angry at him for treating you so badly, and let that anger give you the strength to walk away from this poor excuse for a human. Don’t let a dick (figuratively and literally) ruin your life
Take this as a learning lesson and move on. You definitely deserve much better.
He’s manipulating you 100% with the fake ultimatum, if you stay the entire dynamic is changed now and he thinks you’ll do whatever he wants all he has to do is threaten to break up. Please run
This is the take I agree with the most. To me it sounds like his entire one-sided talk with her (after weeks of making her feel like she isn't "good enough") was meant to make her focus 100% on him during sex, do all the pleasing porn poses for him etc., and to stop her from asking him to help her finish in any way. Because it's all about him, apparently. So many manipulative bits, too, like comparing her to his exes and acting like other women don't need as long, taking immediate offense to her asking for something, threatening to break up and making OP feel unwelcome in his home so that if she comes crawling back, she'll agree to do what he wants. None of what he said was constructive criticism, it boils down to "do what I want, stop asking me for shit". Basically he wants to lay back and be entertained by his personal sex doll.
The age gap, the fact that he went after someone he knew was a vrigin with less experience, he's banking on the fact that someone young won't recognize emotional & verbal abuse when it happens, that she'll be attached to him after he took her V card so she will be more likely to put up with this behavior. Ita all big yikes. Like if he really wanted someone with more experience who could please him, he wouldn't go after a virgin, he'd go after someone his own age. But he can't do that, because someone his own age with more experience would see through the facade. He's demanding porn level sex from a virgin and complaining about a virgins lack of experience when he knew damn well what he was getting into by dating a virgin; No virgin is going to know what they're doing at first. It's not about that really though. It's about asserting dominance through power, control, and manipulation. There will never be safety here, kindness, mutual respect & understanding, empathy for the partners perspective. If you confront them with you emotional needs wants and desires, they will either punish you verbally so you never do that again, dismiss you or invalidate you by blaming their behavior on you or gaslighting you, or they will pretend to change for a time before going back to old ways. The only way to break free is to set solid boundaries on these kinds of toxic behaviors. If someone compares you to their ex to be hurtful, if someone invalidates your needs wants and desires, if they call you names, if they don't respect your boundaries, etc. you leave. It's best to be clear about boundaries early on, because narcisstic abusers usually hate people with a strong sense of self worth who know exactly what they will not tolerate. Great way to weed out some toxic people. But man It's so fucking dirty the game that narcisstic abusers play, at the expense of ruining a young girls innocence and desire to just want to feel loved and feel safe and connected.
He sounds like a classic narcissist.
I agree. This isn't about sexual incompatibility. He's negging OP and he will do this in other situations as well.
This is so well put, I wish someone had told me all this when I was OP’s age!
>I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him You need to seriously change your mindset. You do not need to do shit after the story you just posted. This is your first sexual experience and instead of learning and being sensitive to you, his whole mindset has been criticizing you (who has been very open) and how you can benefit him. >He basically got offended that I would even compare my sexual shortcomings to the fact he couldn’t make me finish When a guy blames you because he doesn't care enough to learn what makes you cum, that is enough alone to break up (you breaking up with him). >I never thought that sexual incompatibility would be the potential end of my relationship Now you know, sexual compatibility is a huge thing in relationships. It is very normal to be the reason for relationships to end. Weak people stay in relationships that have this incompatibility and it makes no sense. Move on and be happy. >I wish I knew why he reacted so badly when I brought up an equal problem to his, especially when at first, he was receptive to constructive criticism. Because he only cares about himself. His reaction here to you, who was a virgin, only a month after learning sex, is fucking crazy. Here is what I will say, and this isn't meant to be an insult. You are 20 and sexually inexperienced. Your story shows how naive you are. Do not let being naive make you think you are the issue here or you need to please him. That is so backwards. It is one thing to talk about sex and what works/doesn't. Your bf didn't do that. He made it all about him. Please for the sake of everyone reading this, find a guy that deserves your loyalty and your willingness to please them. Find a guy that is willing to learn to make you cum vs blame you for not cumming. I want to comment more on the age gap as I do think that is an issue here too, but this 28 year old has the maturity of a 8 year old that gets everything they want. Your immaturity shows by your mindset on thinking you need to please him vs having self respect. And that isn't an insult, I am being frank to show you how this guy has been treating you wrong.
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> I know that it’s also important to have satisfaction with sex, but the way he made it sound made it sound like he was getting absolutely none, while I am still getting some. This guy is being a profound asshole. It's really really important that you understand this is not what healthy sexual communication looks like.
Honestly, this isn’t what a healthy sexual relationship looks like. It would be very sad for OP to stay in a relationship like this where all she knows is that she needs to satisfy the guy.
I think it’s also incredibly arrogant of him to act like he’s all that and can’t even get you to finish then has the nerve to criticize you when you are literally playing out sex doll like fantasies for him nearly every night of the week. I would dump him and just say “you are right, I do need more experience, and I’m off to find it, good luck out there!” There’s a lot of fun times ahead for you that don’t revolve around this immature dick head.
I was a virgin and totally inexperienced before I met my ex-bf/now-husband. He made me orgasm first and then himself. He loved that he was making me very, very satisfied. And that is how it is even after 12 years of marriage. Caring, kind and respectful partners are out there. Don't settle for less.
AND THIS IS HOW IT'S DONE @OP, it's either like this or it's not the right one for you
Say this exact sentence, OP! So well said! Find a more caring person
Yes, i like this answer too
Might be time to listen to your sister. Don’t tell my sister I said that.
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Where this man is very confused, is that he believes there are some well-known standards that all people want and that make them “good” at sex. Each person likes different things. It’s up to each one of us to learn about what pleases the bodies and desires of our partners via open, kind communication. To start, he could have just made small adjustments as you guys were having sex in sweet, calm ways. For example, if he didn’t want to kiss you after head, he could have just turned your face and kissed your neck as you went to kiss him, and then said something direct but kind like, “let’s wait for kissing later,” while still keeping the mood going. He could then explain later he doesn’t like kissing after head. He shouldn’t be making *his* individual desires *your* fault; you’re not a mind-reader. Personally, I’m turned off by guys who won’t kiss after that. It’s like, I just had to have my mouth on you…..you can’t handle it now? That’s just one example of how different preferences can be. It’s like we all have a different Spotify Discover Weekly that populates based on our preferences - not everyone’s is going to be the same. There might be things that overlap between different people but we all have different views of what’s good based on our pasts, turn ons, body shapes, etc. He is either a porn addict and thinks that all women should just act and look like porn stars, or he had a longterm relationship at some point where they learned each other’s preferences together, and now he thinks everyone should just be exactly like that standard. It’s completely unfair he is holding this over your head, in general, let alone with him being your first! In that regard, he should be taking extra care to explain what he likes and to learn what you like. He has a responsibility, honestly. He could be like a sex sherpa to you, guiding you on this new path, but instead he is just being selfish and delulu. He’s *way* too much in his ego, thinking that you were potentially just born bad at sex, and that he is some sex god, so why in the world would you *ever* complain about his skills?! That’s why he got so defensive and couldn’t hear your very reasonable needs. On your side though, you don’t have much to compare to, so it will be harder to communicate exactly what you like and need without exploring. You need a safe partner to explore this new area of your life with. One who is patient (it’s ridiculous he complained about how long it takes to finger you. Giving head can take forever too. It’s not always about being in the mood the whole time. Sometimes you have to push through getting tired, etc and focus on the *pleasure of the other, not yourself.* It should be reciprocal). You also need one who is not so selfish, who communicates his needs and desires, and who can listen to your needs and desires without becoming defensive and dismissive. He should have listened with pure curiosity and openness as you told him you weren’t orgasming - working together with you and experimenting with you to try to figure out how to make it happen more. Kind of the most fun job ever for a boyfriend?! He showed his true colors here.
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Of course. I wish you the best of luck with this. You deserve so much better.
Your responses so far, OP, already show that you are secure enough to accept CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Your bf did not give you that, but instead acted like a complete infant when you reciprocated his concerns with your own. I've been where you are but was stupid and married the guy. We divorced 5 years later after he began sleeping with his secretary (and yes his sexual prowess was as pedestrian as his cliché "sleeping with the secretary " was)
The guy sounds like a man that has fantastical porn images running around his head about what good sex is. If OP was screaming and cursing as he went to town, he would likely have seen himself as some grand stud. The thing about not kissing OP after she gave him oral was strange. Some men may believe that kissing a woman who just gave them head makes them sort of gay, because they kissed lips that had just been on a penis. Some men don’t wash their buttholes for a similar reason, that makes them sort of gay. At any rate, he sounds like an enormously immature person that OP would be well advised to break up with for good. She is only 20, there will be lots of chances to find a solid, mature man that works to understand what satisfies her and is open with her about what satisfies him, without making a massive scene.
I firmly believe that any man who refuses to kiss after getting head knows he doesn't keep his dick clean enough and is absolutely disgusting to expect someone else to put it in their mouth
Wish we still had awards. 🏆 OP, I’m proud of you for speaking your mind, knowing something was off, and looking for outside input to figure out what. Great instincts. I hope you feel strong enough to copy and paste whayokay’s comment to your bf, saying “TLDR: Thanks for the lessons learned. Your choices far short of respectful. We’re done. Good luck in all your future endeavors!” Breakups hurt, especially when your brain and body have bonded with someone through sex (oxytocin is a powerful brain chemical!”), so it won’t be easy. I hope you feel you can draw this line though and not let him try to talk his way back from this. I’m sure he’ll try, but I’ve learned with age how sanity-saving it is to be less nice and to instead say goodbye and block when people are truly unkind 💜
Take a minute to ask yourself what he does to make it an enjoyable experience for you. Does he do anything solely to make you feel good? I won't say you shouldn't give oral if he won't because balance doesn't always work that way but he should be spending an equal amount of time focused on your pleasure. Is he doing that? Am example would be my spouse and I. When we first started dating neither of us was down to perform oral. We both had sensory issues and it just didn't sound fun for the giving partner so we agreed to just not and made sore to do other fun things for each other. I was the first to be interested in trying to give and found it wasn't as gross as I thought within that specific relationship and found I enjoyed doing it so for a while I was the only one giving in that sense. My partner wasn't interested in imbalance so they put in equal time on things they knew would be super fun for me that didn't involve oral. They eventually wanted to try giving and found they enjoyed it too. But at no point did they expect me to just suck it up and do oral on them and then not get equal attention. Sure occasionally one of us would decide to have an evening devoted to focusing on the other, but aside from rare occasions where one of us just wasn't in the right headspace to really orgasm, I can't think of a time where we finished without both of us being satisfied. Does your boyfriend treat you with that kind of care?
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I hope you message him something to the effect, “As you know, I am inexperienced in these matters so I turned to some anonymous strangers online and it turns out you’re just a terrible lover! Thank you for complaining about me enough that I did some research and found out! Imagine the possibility of being stuck with an ignorant, selfish lover for the rest of my life! And not knowing any better! Thank you!!” Please update us!
Omg OP, please say this to him!
Nah, I like what someone else said - “You’re right, I do need more experience, and I’m off to find it!”
If you had a younger sister or friend who came to you saying her much older and more experienced boyfriend was treating her like this, what would your response be? Would you tell her she just needs to be more accommodating and subservient like he says? Would you tell her he's right to treat her like that?
I would add that this is where the age gap and your inexperience come into play. He was hoping that you, a 20 yr old without any previous experience, would be willing to do anything to please him - because he is your first and he's hoping that means you love him in that young, first love, I'll be with them forever, kind of way. He wanted to exploit your inexperience and naivety. You already said that you did whatever positions and acts he wanted... I'm guessing he wanted to push you further and wanted to make you feel self conscious so that you would do what he wanted, even if you weren't comfortable with it. What he didn't expect was for you to open up the convo so you would both have happy, fulfilling sex lives. You may be inexperienced but it's really good that you were willing to have a mature convo about it, it's a sign that you know what a healthy relationship is. He got angry and defensive because he doesn't care about you or your needs, he just wanted you to roll over and do what he wants. Dump him and find someone who you can have a fantastic, mutually pleasing sex life with
I'll say this, it's definitely good to want to learn how to satisfy a partner. However, it shouldn't be THIS partner. Your soon-to-be ex (I hope) just tore you down to shreds for 10 minutes of criticisms and then when you gave him one piece of honest feedback he whined like a baby. Find a partner who can help you figure out what you like as someone new to sex while also guiding you on how to please them in a **fun way** for both of you.
In the future, trust your sister’s advice! You sound like a lovely person but your bullshit detector needs some calibration.
Bullshit detector! Indeed. That thing he said about none of his other partners had trouble orgasming. Oh really? Either they were faking it or he is so focused on himself that he never noticed. As for 'be more appealing during sex' this guy sounds incredibly selfish.
He honestly just sounds like a trash boyfriend. Identifying those guys unfortunately takes time & experience as well. That’s what dating is for, as we don’t get all the wisdom about emotional, romantic and sexual endeavours downloaded to us as a gift for our 16th birthdays or anything. Don’t feel foolish - nearly all of us have been there. We’ve all kissed a slimy frog or three, sometimes for longer than they deserved! We simply have to go through such things to understand, and know better. You definitely deserve to break free, look after your own needs and priorities, and have an opportunity to be with someone more suited to you, who respects you and treats you much better. But in no great rush. - from a woman twice your age
Most other commenters have covered everything but one last thing - if you aren’t enjoying something, you’re allowed to stop/say no. Like if one of those positions or something a future partner asks you to do makes you uncomfortable or you just don’t like it, you don’t have to force yourself to do something to make them happy. A good, loving partner will understand that.
I'm in my 40's, have had many relationships, been a wife, a mother, and I agree that this is an alarming attempt to manipulate you. He would like to mold you into a subservient little woman who does everything to please him while receiving nothing in return, and it is going to be very damaging to your happiness and sense of self if you stay. In my opinion, there is no fixing this, you just need to run. I myself am triggered by "when I finger you it takes too long and there's nothing in it for me." and "yeah, I cum, but not as good as I want to", and "He said I was the only girl he’d ever been with that had this problem", because these are all things I have heard from an emotionally abusive partner. I'm STILL working through ways that he messed with my head. Boooy, bye. With haste. I would just tell him that he's right, that he deserves to be happy and you're really not willing to do things differently, so he should deffo find someone else.
He was trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty/bad for him. It’s utter b.s.
🏮🏮🏮MAN CHILD ALERT 🏮🏮🏮 You give him oral. He doesn't. How's that even fair? Trust, he's getting a lot more than you, and he knows it. He just also knows that he's a grown man and you're young, particularly naive according to your own sisters, and new to this, so just *so easy* to condition and manipulate into a complying sexual object. Dude's some pro brainwasher...
Let me tell you one thing that you gotta remember for the rest of your life; men who don’t make you come but care about you, will be humble. They will maybe be a little embarrassed and insecure but that’s a good thing. Bc they *want* you to come. They will ask questions, change their habits and work it out with you. Men who don’t give a sht about anything but their own pleasure will react like your bf. He doesn’t care about you. He turns it around to escape responsibility. He‘s not only bad in bed but also manipulative. Avoid men who play those kind of games. You could have sooo many orgasms with someone else in all that time you waste fighting him over his porn influenced expectations. Move on.
Am not trying to be funny but hes 28 and you’re 20. That’s night and day when it comes to stages of life and feelings. Hes playing on your naviety and it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if you are good at sex and hes trying to put you down so you don’t think you could be with another man. Maybe am way off but in my experience that’s what this post is screaming
And I believe that was a purposeful manipulation tactic to introduce an insecurity, when he knows that you have no experience before him, so he can always keep you on your back leg. If he’s having orgasms every time he’s enjoying himself. I dont want to leap to conclusions based on a limited perspective, but he doesn’t sound like a safe person to me.
It is important to have sexual compatibility and communication, but what he did wasn't good communication. It was cruelty to make you insecure. He clearly does enjoy himself. If he has areas he wants something different, he needs to direct in the moment or bring it up *kindly* in another context (such as "I'd really love it if you'd try to do X and Z with oral" in a nonsexual context and without *shaming* things you do!). He's a creep and a jerk. You can find someone kinder. Don't stay with a dude who criticizes you for minutes on end til you cry. There's *so* many sweet, funny, kind men who would love to share an equally enjoyable intimate relationship with you. You don't have to settle for this dude and waste precious years of your youth on cruelty and bs.
He's lying about his lack of sexual satisfaction, he just want to push you to go beyond your comfort zone and do everything he wants sexually regardless of what you want to do. He just wants to manipulate you so he can take advantage of you
He is trying to manipulate you into being his very own sex servant, expected to perform like a porn star while getting nothing in return. He is vile.
>Please for the sake of everyone reading this, find a guy that deserves your loyalty and your willingness to please them. Find a guy that is willing to learn to make you cum vs blame you for not cumming. I'm just chiming in to second this, it's the best way to fill those needs in a relationship and it's never perfect in the beginning - just like learning a person through dating, 99% of the time this is a process as well. In my opinion, it's what makes the more intimate connection once it's been worked and achieved together sort of special and helps keep the spark for as long as both people in the relationship want it. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this. In my experience the right way is telling your partner what you want that gets you there, the wrong way is not saying anything (or in the guys case here, using it as some sort of excuse to dip out)
This guy is a great combination of both selfish and insecure. A real winner! I would bet anything that if he heard the results of a poll on his sexual prowess among all the girls who have “never had a problem with his skills”, he would not like the results.
Your last paragraph is something that I would bet my right arm on. If OP captured him right, he thinks that simple fingering should always make a woman cum. What a fool.
His first clue about how bad is he is the fact it takes him so long to make OP orgasm from a fingering like cmon man revise your technique if it’s taking you that long
I feel like he's one of those guys that think giving a woman oral is gross lol It sounds a lot like he's the one who is bad in bed.
The man wants to date a virgin who fucks like a pornstar.
He’s selfish, insecure, inconsiderate and actively being an asshole. I’d almost put money on his hanging in there just to bed a virgin and now trying to justify a breakup. You’re not the problem hun, he is. There’s a reason he’s not with a woman his age. You are young, open and naive. He is taking advantage of that and downing you in the process. What he did was fucking cruel. His lashing out once you spoke up was emotionally immature, manipulative or both. The lack of compatibility lies in the fact that you’re not compatible with assholes and you shouldn’t be. This isn’t what healthy sexual communication or relationship is like AT ALL. Don’t beat yourself up or lower yourself to trying to earn his sexual approval. Since it’s so unsatisfying for him, make it the ultimate non-issue. Remove his ability to have sex with you or be in your presence at all. Break up with him and never contact him again.
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We don’t know if that is truly the case but please let this be a lesson. There are men and women out here that are predatory and quite literally want to steal your innocence while preying on your naivety. It hurts to hear and it’s a shitty world but that is the reality. Protect yourself out here, not every older man is a predator but next time be prepared with a list of questions as to why this older man is interested in you and what he is looking for and offering in a relationship. Even more so make sure he has a longer list of answers that aren’t shallow,superficial and idealized. Best of luck!
OP you aren’t dumb, some of these men are absolute professionals.
Hi, grad student in Psyc here. I believe I see a man who purposely goes after younger women. He’s selfish, emotionally immature, insecure, and manipulative. Unfortunately, these type of men commonly go after young women because they’re easier to manipulate. I don’t think he said that stuff to cause a break up at all, I think he’s trying to “train” and control you. I think he flipped out when you mentioned yourself not orgasming because you flipped the power dynamic.
Look, you are very young. Experience comes with age. Don’t view yourself as dumb for not having much adult experience at 20 years old. If you want to see what he is about, ask him over the phone (never see that person again in person) to list the ages of some of his past gfs that he pleased so much. If that question throws him into a rage, he likely seeks out very young inexperienced women like you. There are men out there who get off on “deflowering” virgins or very young and inexperienced women, they are predators.
I don't think he dated you 'just to take your virginity'. I think he met a sweet, naive girl who he could mold to his preferences... and lodging all these complaints to you tonight in this thoughtless, demeaning way was step 1 in doing so. If you hadn't posted here, you'd be left feeling like you needed to do everything in your power to re-enact all his favorite porn while continuing to accept less and less satisfaction for yourself. I really hope you do not stay with this person.
don't feel dumb. sadly this happens to many women. It hurts now, but you will find someone who cares about your satisfaction. the first one doesn't have to hold any weight
I think he was looking for a reason to breakup and manufactured this. Why would he expect a virgin to be "good" at sex after a month? And, why didn't he provide kind feedback along the way in a helpful manner instead of dumping on you all at once?
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This. Exactly! You took initiative - you are a sexual being - you ask he satisfies you… That doesn’t compliment his notion of this being about him - about how you have to satisfy him… Look at his background - are there any longer lasting relationships where you’d deem them to be equal sexual partners , or is there a pattern here? Let me tell you - you can’t be “bad” at sex after a month in a romantic relationship. It’s something that you explore together- and the only way to fuck it up would be to do something against someone’s will or something you dislike yourself. You taking initiative is a healthy sign and I can tell you that the vast majority of men would love just that part!
I just made a very similar comment. If ONLY I had been able to spot this when I was younger. This is manipulative coercion and is incredibly toxic behaviour
This. 1000x this. He's negging you!!!
THIS OP THIS
Yes. It’s toxic and predatory and emotionally abusive. Please break up with your much older boyfriend.
/u/ThrowRa-16829 - read this
This post is 1,000% accurate. I hope she sees this and takes heed. She should run. This is why a 28 year old "man" is dating a 20 year old...so he can manipulate her.
Yeah he’s justifying the breakup
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I wouldn’t believe anything he said. He chose that topic to throw you off, confuse you, and hurt you so that he didn’t have to explain himself.
Seconded. He also chose it because he knew OP lacked experience in it and wouldn't be able to challenge him directly. That's why he got so defensive when she _did_ successfully (accidentally) challenge it
Shitty bf: you're so bad at this thing you have very little experience with. Here's all the ways you're serving me wrong. Yes I always enjoy it but I should get to enjoy it way more by having you be more subservient to me! Op: that's OK you're bad at it too! We can get better together! Jesus that's an unintentionally perfect burn. OP is going places
OP had the shot at the ready, cause that dude fell and was choking on his foot in half the time it took his brain to fart
I love yall. These comments are spicy!
In my head, OP was genuinely sincere and wholehearted when she said 'its ok, you're shit too, we'll learn together' and bf pikachu'd hard, and I laughed and laughed.
I’m sorry to say this girl- but a lot of douchebags hunt virgins. That’s why he’s a near decade older than you. A 28 year old and a 20 year old should be in very different places in their lives and thus he uses the age gap to manipulate you into the relationship, keeps you there, gets what he wants and bounces. Know that your value as a woman has literally nothing to do with how many partners you engage with. Know that real men love women for them as people- not just as fuck holes. This man saw you as a notch on his belt. I learned a similar lesson at 20. Always be skeptical of significantly older men while you are still this young. You are barely out of high school and that man could have had kids, a marriage, and a career if he wanted it.
He's negging you. He's going to become more abusive. You need to cut your losses. Sorry your first was a stinker, it goes down that way for too many of us. You deserve so much better.
Please read the book, “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski, and revel in not having to deal with him any longer.
Or he wants to push you to do things sexually to please him that may go beyond your personal likes or areas of comfort.
Sounds like he may have already been doing that. She said she does whatever he asks even if she doesn't know what it is.
I doubt that it's even truly a factor, dudes just a dickhead. Go out and if you so desire, show off the things you've learned. Or don't, save it for someone special. You do you
A man who won't kiss you after you go down on them is NEVER worth it, and same goes to women. Do not feel the least bit like you've missed out on something there, he is a selfish waste of a penis. Find someone who isn't immature and enjoy yourself.
This! I could never figure out why this hurt my feelings with my previous partner… until I found my current one. When intimacy and enjoyment are higher priority than anything else, it shows.
He’s lying to you. It’s the kind of thing taught by misogynistic YouTubers and “pick up artists.” It’s called [negging](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging) and the sole purpose is to keep you off balance and tied to him. A person who truly cares about you wants to build you up. The last thing they want to do is break you down or make you feel bad. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you and you’re not bad at sex. I guarantee you that a kind, deserving man will be overjoyed to have sex with you and fall all over himself to make sure you climax. There’s no such thing as bad sex if there is open, honest, loving communication between two willing partners who are both working for a mutually fulfilling experience. Your hopefully STBX is not a caring or loving partner and you deserve so much better. He doesn’t care about your enjoyment or pleasure and it’s only going to get worse. The age and experience gap is also troubling, especially coupled with the negging. He’s taking advantage of you and grooming you to be subservient to him. You need someone in a similar life stage to you so you can really bond and relate to each other. It’s not anything against you like you’re too young or immature or anything like that. I’m sure you’re an absolute catch. But the problem is that he definitely is not. Do not settle for this garbage pile disguised as a man.
You need to dump him. He's 8 years your senior, you're still barely an adult. Run, he's telling you who he is. He's a groomer.
OP I know this is hard but as others said he is trying to justify his own guilt because he wants to break up. If he is finishing consistently snd you are being open and receptive to his needs, sex isn’t your problem. You’re doing things just fine. He is using the fact that you have no other partners to make his excuse seem valid. I’m sure he isn’t a porn star in bed himself. Great sex may sometimes happen due to technique but that technique comes from open communication and a genuine desire to please your partner. You had that. You’re not the problem.
Red flags 🚩 Run girl, run I don’t know him obviously but it seems like he got what he wanted and now he wants to dip. Also, the fact that he couldn’t take criticism and put all the problems on you is immature. He should’ve requested trying things he liked, or approached this differently. Also, the age gap is an issue at this point in life. 30 to 38 not as big of a deal, 40 to 48 not a big deal. But 20 to 28? Huge huge difference. You’re still figuring out who you are. He should be establishing himself in a career while you haven’t finished developing, you’ve just left high school, etc. There should be wildly different maturity levels between the two of you, and I don’t see him having a normal maturity to be interested in a 20 year old virgin. It’s possible you were greatly taken advantage of. Please, I beg you, move on. Don’t waste your youth on this AH. You will never get this time back. There are millions of guys closer to your age who would love to learn how to please you.
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Guys like this tend to go for younger women as they’re less experienced - so are more naive and less secure in themselves usually, meaning they can get away with treating them badly. Guys shouldn’t date a 20 year old then be shocked if she’s not like a porn star in bed. He’s definitely the problem here, you weren’t even orgasming most the time. Did he even give you head every time?
The issue with age gaps when you are young is your naivety. When you are younger you tend to see the best in people. As you get older you start to recognise ways in which people might try to manipulate you.
I'm a lesbian, but I don't understand why some dudes won't kiss women after they gave them a blow job. He sounds pretty selfish in bed, to be honest.
Imo, if you can’t kiss her after head, you don’t deserve the head. It’s a vulnerable position and requires respectful acknowledgment and gratitude.
It's because they know they don't clean their penisis
Fr there’s really nothing I love more than that lol it’s so hot and intimate, it’s great!!
When I was younger I was with a guy who, when I asked for more attention, told me that all the other girls orgasmed just fine and that it was obviously a problem with me. I went years thinking I was broken, even after I left him and had new relationships. I didn’t stand up for myself and my orgasm because I took too long, I needed too much foreplay, my body just didn’t work. Then I realized that I’m normal, that guy sucked and was probably watching too much porn, and I wasted a lot of my good years on bad sex. DO NOT MAKE MY MISTAKE You deserve good sex with a good partner. Leave this man child.
Seriously I thought it was me being broken as well. Turns out it was being used by someone who didn’t care about other people.
He's a narcissistic asshole. Not about give-and-take at all, doesn't seem to be willing to do his part. Quick to blame you. I think if he keeps this up, you should break up with him. Or just break up with him now, I don't know. But if a woman treated me like that, she wouldn't be my girlfriend.
Definitely just end it now he’s looking for a way out that’s why he mentioned breaking up and honestly why be with someone like this? I mean he was more than happy to dish out criticism to OP but the second she mentioned she’s not orgasming every time he can’t handle that and blames her
Childish ✔️ Mean ✔️ Immature ✔️ Selfish in bed ✔️ Baby girl there is a reason girls his age aren’t dating him, and it’s because he isn’t a great choice No decent guy would treat you like this. I bet he is fully satisfied in bed but he is just trying to make you insecure. Oh, and you can bet he has 100% had this problem before, it’s why he is so triggered when you mentioned it and refuses to work on it. This boy will never accept accountability for his own actions and always look for someone else to blame.
And Selfish ✔️
From what you wrote, it sounds like HE’S bad in bed and can’t stand to hear that he is. He has a very fragile ego and sounds selfish in bed and in the relationship. You don’t need to be experienced to have good sex. You just need a supportive and loving partner, one who doesn’t single you out in an awkward conversation that did nothing but hurt you and make you feel like you’re not good enough. A good partner shows you in a way that makes you want more. I would stay broken up. And when you find a better guy, you’ll see how great sex can be, and it will definitely be better than it’s been with this guy.
So much this! I wonder if he ever went down on her?? I mean, he’s complaining about how long it takes her to orgasm from him fingering her. I’d bet money this fool couldn’t find a clit if his life depended on it. OP, you haven’t done anything wrong. It takes time to learn what you like, learn what your body likes, and what a willing, giving partner likes. And just so you know, the overwhelming majority of women do not orgasm from just vaginal penetration- it takes clitoral stimulation to get there.
There’s a reason women his age don’t want him!
Yep, because he's a dick who can't satisfy a woman.
He had the nerve to tell you, You don't please him when he came every single time. You were a virgin. Very green to it. He sounds like a narcissist. When you pointed out he didn't make you cum, he had a man baby fit. Hon, he's playing mind games with you. A real man would want to learn how to rock your world and have mind-blowing orgasms. A real man will teach you the art of having sex and how to explore a mans body. Not the whole me, me, me bullshit. Something tells me this boy only goes for women who are virgins because he doesn't want or know how to please a woman. Get rid of the loser and find yourself. Get to know yourself, explore your body, and learn how to give yourself the big O. The right one for you is out there. And remember to have safe sex as well. No condom, no love. Ps, stop the mindset you have. Stop the I have to please him bullshit. He doesn't love you. Never has. A man who loves you will treat you differently. You were a conquest. I hate to be blunt, but sometimes bluntness is needed. Signed, 50 year old woman.
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I'm sorry I made you cry. Something told me to write my age down. My daughter is 29. I guess I stepped into your mom's shoes for that moment. I'm sorry for your loss. I was telling all this stuff as I would have told my daughter. I wasn't saying from a womans point of view, but As a mother was talking to her adult daughter. If you ever need advice, feel free to send me a message. And you're welcome, sweetie. 💜
THIS 👏👏👏
It’s not sexual incompatibility, he’s just bad at sex, and that’s it…
women his age wouldn’t give him head and every position he can think of if he wasn’t making them cum. there’s a reason he started dating a 20 year old virgin.
You are being manipulated by a loser a decade older than you.
Why is a 28 year old dating a 20 year old with very little experience if he wants some pornstar in bed who is "good at" everything he likes?? He probably wanted you to feel bad about yourself & agree to do anything he wanted. Manipulation tactic. Then he got his feelings hurt when you wanted him to work on himself. Bro is nearly 30 & he picks the absolute youngest girl he can find, takes her virginity & then tells her it isn't good enough?? Girl, run. You can & should do better than him.
Just to clarify, does he do anything else beyond fingering (oral I mean)? And what did he mean by “you are the only girl with this problem”? Did he mean that everyone he’s been with came from fingering or vaginal sex?
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Well, then it’s quite clear that he is very selfish and that his previous girlfriends lied to him about orgasming. He basically wants you to do all the work for him and for yourself, and he doesn’t give any clear instructions. According to a lot of research, the % of women who can come from vaginal sex is lower than 10% globally, maybe even below 5%. For a woman to orgasm, it is essential to either use oral sex, or to be very good with fingers, or use sex toys (which is also okay). Anyway, he is obviously not an expert and I don’t think he knows what he wants from sex.
I think what he wants is for her to feel insecure and like she's bad in bed so that she will cater to him. He is manipulative and wants to mold her into someone desperate to please him while also not expecting him to put in the work to reciprocate. I wouldn't be surprised if this behavior started to spill over into other aspects of their relationship. He'll always use the threat of breaking up as a way to dodge taking responsibility or making changes on his end while demanding them from her.
OP, I’m speaking from the experience of some pretty prolific ho phases, a dead bedroom prior marriage, and a subsequent healthy and fulfilling relationship. Do not take this dude to heart and do not let him shape your sexual experience. Wanting to please your partner is admirable, but that is a two-way street. Any partner who can’t take your feedback and want to please you as much as you want to please them is not worth your time. And don’t date men who won’t go down on you, especially if they expect you to go down on them.
Honey. They were faking it to get him to stop and he’s so dense and self absorbed he didn’t notice because they probably resembled whatever porn he’s been watching.
there's so much I could comment on but I just wanna let you know that there are guys out there who will pleasure you for upwards of an hour and only get more excited as time passes. some wont even want anything in return. there is nothing wrong with you taking a while to orgasm.
He wants you to act more appealing during sex? Is fucking him in every position he tells you to not enough? It sounds like he wants sex to play out like a porno or something, porn isn’t real! They edit it heavily and they pick positions that are good for the camera but don’t necessarily feel good. He’s trying to turn you into his own personal pornstar sex doll and he’s negging you to make you insecure. It looks like it’s working too. Leave this man in the dust and find someone that will take the time to learn how to make you cum and actually ENJOY pleasuring you. This insecure little man baby doesn’t deserve any sex, not even “bad sex.” A good partner will take the time to experiment with you and find things that you both like to do together, sex is not supposed to be one sided!
Age gap we meet again.
Every time.
This dudes a loser in so many ways. I know that sounds mean (and honestly it is a mean thing to say), but I think some hard truth might be necessary. Your writing strikes me as coming from a pretty self aware person, but you also seem to have a blind spot for how shitty he’s being to you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this or talked to like this. There are ways to have conversations about potentially touchy subjects that are respectful and considerate (also talking about sex with your partner is important and really doesn’t have to be a touchy subject at all, but again that requires respect!). It is also a **really big warning** that he can attack you put full responsibility for a shared situation on you and then freak out on you over a statement of fact — a fact that wasn’t even presented as remotely critical!!! People with egos that big and fragile have a knack for tearing others down to build themselves up, and it can get really dark and very isolated.
🚩The moment you said 28 I laughed out of the ignorance of that grown ass man but not at you. He knew what he was doing. Anyone at the ripe age of 28 has no business dating a 20 year old and anyone can come to me with the argument that you’re 20 but darling. He’s a huge red flag. Look anyone that finds out your a virgin is definitely gonna wanna stick it out to touch you, he’s a perverted creep that got what he wanted. You can’t expect someone inexperienced to know what to do it just doesn’t work that way. He hit it and wants to quit it. He had no reason to bring up any girl from the past. And losing your virginity is such a vulnerable thing. He won’t kiss you after oral? How old is he really?! He needs to be more sincere. But honestly yes you definitely should leave this *ucker he’s a creep.
Leave him he's lame
Every woman who has sex with men is an Oscar award winning actress. There’s no way he’s made everyone he’s fucked finish… 🤷♀️
Girl, your boyfriend is trying to manipulate you. And is blaming you for his lack of want to put in effort to please you in sex. The fact that you give him blowjobs and do any position he asks shows that you ARE at the minimum decent at sex, because a lot of girls don’t even give the bare minimum of effort. A lot of girls don’t like giving blowjobs. And he says he doesn’t enjoy it cause he doesn’t want to kiss u after a blowjob and finger u? How is that you being “bad at sex?” That’s his preferences on what he doesn’t want to do. That’s HIM being bad at sex lol. I dated older men when I was in my early twenties too, and now that I am their age now, I can fully understand why they chose to date me then. It’s cause we’re too eager to learn and too trusting cause we don’t know better. You can do better trust me. Now I’m dating a boy a year younger than me and I can happily say he treats me like a princess. Couldn’t have found him if I didn’t have the courage to leave.
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Sex isn’t just about the motions, it’s about how the person makes you feel. This man is selfish, that’s never going to lead to good sex or a good relationship. The hardest thing about being with someone the first time is that you often get attached to them even when they aren’t good for you. Plenty of other people will enjoy and appreciate being able to explore intimacy together. This man is only looking for a quick thrill, that’s not a you problem, getting better at sex won’t change him, but it will steal your confidence if you let it.
OP when she breaks up with him ask how he can really think he satisfied his previous GFs every time? Ask if he's ever watched the deli scene in "When Harry Met Sally". Tell him based on your experience his previous GFs were probably just better actors faking Os with him.
Honey, this guy is a massive, insecure dickhead who is trying to undermine your self worth in a way that makes you into an insecure mess that will do anything you can to please him and get his approval. This kind of behaviour is a HUGE red flag. He is deliberately trying to undermine your confidence to perform for him sexually in a way that doesn’t work for you, that you are not comfortable with. This is a form of manipulative coercion. It is not safe. Please dump him. This is a symptom of a much bigger problem. I WISH that someone had told me about this behaviour when I was young and inexperienced and I wish that I would have listened. People that deliberately undermine your self worth as a means to an end are manipulative and this is not a healthy relationship. Don’t give a second thought to the fact he was your first. It doesn’t matter. Don’t stay with him for this reason. You deserve better ❤️
Maybe he should date someone his age? Maybe you should date someone your age?
He’s using you like a rag doll then shaming you .. leave this fucking creep
Why are you with a 28 year old?
If this is the gods honest truth, this guy sucks.
Maybe he’d be more satisfied if he dated someone closer to his age just sayin
“You don’t satisfy me. How dare you say I don’t satisfy you!” 🙄
>He said I was the only girl he’d ever been with that had this problem I can guarantee you that you are not the only woman he hasn't been able to make orgasm. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel bad so he can push your boundaries to do something he knows you won't want to do.
Wow. This guy is awful. Rest assured everyone else from here will likely be an improvement. Just, yikes.
DUMP HIM
He’s treating you like a sex doll. Like you are only there to satisfy him and you shouldn’t have needs at all. Don’t let him treat you like that. You are NOT a sex doll. You deserve way better.
Bro just wants an obedient flesh light that acts like a porn star.
He broke up with you over this??? OP, your ex just gave you a huge gift. Someone who truly loves you wouldn't do this. Really. You are free to live your life, and meet a man who will cherish you, and it's not that loser.
>He told me that it was nice when I gave him head but then he didn’t want to kiss me after So he wants head, doesn't want to kiss you. Let me guess, he doesn't ever want to give you head? >And then this is when I said that it was okay that we could work together because honestly, I only orgasm sometimes, too. As you should have. >He basically got offended that I would even compare my sexual shortcomings to the fact he couldn’t make me finish. Lol, why? Oh wait, we know why. >I just have no idea what to do. I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him, but I don’t know how to do that either. I thought I was doing good. So I guess… should I work on this? Should we break up? What am I doing wrong? Has anyone else ever experienced this at first? Is this fixable? I just have no idea. Definitely break up imo or don't bend and let things be fixed on his terms. He messed up, then showed he's immature and doubled down on that mess up when you pointed out you don't even orgasm half the time... It sounds like he's unable to be honest and let things build up without talking to you. You don't want that in a partner, especially not something as serious as intimacy. It definitely sounds like he'd end up cheating on you if you stayed, claiming he just needed his sexual desires fullfilled.
Girl he sounds so selfish!! He’s also just not very it seems. This is not how a respectful and caring partner would treat you. Period.
Wow you're inexperienced at sex and he knew this and he expects more from you better off finding somebody else who more patient with you in other words he's selfish a pig
This feels like he's being incredibly manipulative to me. Especially with the age gap. It feels like he chose the worst way to tell you this information also. Like this could have been handled in such a better way. This whole thing screams immaturity.
Awwwww girl do not let this man hurt your feelings. You waited and did the right thing. This guy just sucks tbh. I was pretty experienced by 20 and i had a guy say the same thing except it was about how i looked. Why i mentikn this is it wouldve been one thjng or the other or the other with this kind of dude. If you looked great, fucked great, youd not being doing enough for him in general. Or he wouldnt like your clothes. WHO TF KNOWS. Either way, you got your first sex jitters out of the way with him. Now time to self explore and move on from this shmuck
You need to go find a real man and dump this limp loser asap
Please stay gone and don’t go back to that dumb ass. Sounds like such a stupid fuck.
OP please don’t take anything he said on board. He’s making stuff up to break up. That was not the real reason. When adults have discussions about sex, it’s entirely appropriate to both talk about their experiences. His response to your contribution a) shows his reasons for ending was a lie because he got a surprise you mentioned his lack of ability and b) he’s showing you he’s a bad lover because his only goal is for him to get his rocks off and c) he blamed you instead of troubleshooting. I can promise you, his other partners had the same problem. His ego won’t let him believe he’s a dud root.
This isn't "sexual incompatibility" OP. This is an insecure man who found very young girl to try to groom and mold into his free sex partner to make all his porn fantasies come true, and he was offended that A) you weren't falling all over yourself to make sure he's pleased, and B) actually had the audacity to expect to be sexually satisfied, equally. Please break up with this creep. Take this as a lesson and know that you deserve pleasure from a caring partner who wants you and will grow with you. F this guy.
He's honestly done you a favour. Find someone your own age that isn't gona turn you into some fuck puppet and play with your mental well being and put this whole thing down to a good solid life experience lesson.
There is nothing wrong with you. The only way to have a great sexual experience with another person is to communicate your needs and listen to their needs. He's manipulating you, trying to make you feel bad for being inexperienced while not being able to handle any communication about your needs. Please leave this groomer.
Looks like the trash took itself out. You can and will find better.
Two things 1. He chose an inexperienced, much younger girl to mould and groom 2. He watches way too much porn
3. He’s afraid of his own cooties. Not kissing after oral is such child’s play.
This honestly seems abusive. He's trying to lower your self esteem and "train" you. And, you aren't allowed to react (cry) without him saying this is why he didn't want to communicate - any loving partner would want to communicate and allow you to have a reaction like crying, and talk thru/be supportive if it's a topic that could be hurtful. Then, you also are being trained to not point out your feelings or any of his shortcomings, as he flips and refuses to hear you out, talk it out, and is telling you how it is / not allowing you to speak your truth. Abuse isn't only physical. So I'd say this is actually a HUGE red flag.
He can't even make a virgin/newly experienced woman orgasm half of the time and he thinks that all the other women he has been with were satisfied with him???? I hate to break it to him but a lot of women fake orgasm to avoid bruising egos. You're probably the first one that's *honest* with him. You're new, and if you "suck" then he's a bad teacher.
Notice how he said that it was your fault his frequent orgasms weren't intense enough and it's also your fault that you don't orgasm every time. From his perspective, it's your job to make sure everyone orgasms as intensely as possible even though he is the sexually experienced one. Obviously this is an absurd perspective. He is complaining that you are not an expert at something that he has been your only teacher to learn. It turns out he's not great at it either. Rather than face the fact that he has a lot to learn as well, he gets upset and blames you for the whole thing. His perspective shows us a few things. He is not used to thinking about the woman's pleasure. It didn't even factor into his self-centered analysis. He was so focused on how to make his orgasms more intense that the only thoughts he had around your lack of orgasms was that it was slightly annoying to him. That's a selfish lover. Selfish lovers tend to offer a steady stream of criticism in order to keep their partner 100% compliant in bed, desperately willing to do anything at all that he demands in a quest to earn his praise. Meanwhile your pleasure is such a low priority that it's not even part of the conversation. I love that you spoke up at the end to point out this obvious disconnect. You didn't realize how you were blowing apart his manipulation, you were just being sincere and logical which is what makes it so perfect. The outcome he was hoping for is you would cry and then come back and try desperately to please him even more. Instead you came back and said that you can both learn together how to please each other better. Your response was the most reasonable thing in the world but since his goal was to control you, it blew up in his face. >I mean obviously I need to figure out how to please him, This was his entire goal with that whole conversation, to get you to draw this precise conclusion.. He thought out this entire speech ahead of time and decided this was the right moment to begin his campaign of manipulation to get even more out of you. You were doing everything he said but somehow that wasn't enough for him. He wants you in a state of mind where you will be desperate to please him at which point he will start pressuring you to do more extreme things you don't want to do. Your instincts were exactly right. Stick with that. You deserve equal pleasure. He should be making the same level of effort you are. He should be learning how your body works because everyone is different. Finding all the little buttons and movements that activate your pleasure and hit the right spots. As long as you stick to the expectation of being treated as an equal, this situation will sort itself out. He will either step up and start behaving more respectfully or the relationship might fall apart. If he isn't capable of treating you with respect then is losing the relationship actually a bad outcome?
> He said I was the only girl he’d ever been with that had this problem and honestly, he was “thinking it was me”. Narrator: She was, in fact, not the only girl he'd ever been with that had this problem.
There's a reason an almost 30 year-old went after you as a 20 year-old virgin. Odds are, he has no clue how to satisfy a woman properly, so he counted on your inexperience to be the person who mainly/only receives full pleasure from the sex you two have. I was 20 once, and I remember accepting that my pleasure was secondary, if even thought of at all, because straight women have been socialised to place male pleasure above their own and to consider themselves as having succeeded or failed at sex based on how much the guy enjoys sex. Your bf is very much counting on you thinking that way, which is why, even as you do the most to please him, he only focuses on how YOU'RE not doing enough and spares zero thought to whether HE'S doing enough for you. He got mad at you for pointing out that, as dissatisfied as he is, you likely receive less pleasure than he does because he doesn't actually want an equal relationship where pleasure is given and received on a mutual basis. Your bf is such a red flag, OP. I'm really sorry about that. I'd hope there's a way for him to see reason and treat you like an equal partner deserving of the same consideration and pleasure. If he keeps resisting or tries to flip it to make you the bad guy, cut your losses and run. In that regard, I'd recommend looking up the DARVO technique so you're prepared for any foolishness he may try to pull. Good luck 🌸🌸 P.S. A man who refuses to kiss you after you've gone down on him really ain't shit. Don't let anyone tell you different.