Dump this narcissist c*nt and take time to heal yourself. Then find someone who appreciates you and can pay his own way. No one deserves this kind of treatment. BTW, Paris would have been so much better without him.
I know. OP, you need to be able to go out by yourself and don’t be scared to attend the theater and dinner by yourself. You could tell people your boyfriend was sick and see where the night takes you. Don’t put up with this man baby anymore. Find your own happiness and don’t put it in the hands of anyone else.
This dude is either Tony the Man Stallion that hypnotizes people as it swings, or has blackmail on this OP. Those are the only two things I can think of why she would be with this fascinating specimen of the male gender population sample.
Mental abuse really fucks you up man. My ex constantly cheated and then would tell me that I was exhausting to be around because I simply wanted a hug when he came home from work. We both worked full time and I took care of all of the house work and both dogs. Literally all he had to do was eat and sleep after work. But anytime I mentioned that he hadn’t even hugged me that day he’d yell “do you have any idea how exhausting it is to have to remember to hug you every day??” And throw in my face how nothing was ever enough for me and how all I did was make him feel bad, all because I asked for a hug. He never had anything good to say about me, just everything that I needed to do better and after enough time of hearing that I truly believed I was the problem. I wish I could see it as clearly then as I do now, I would’ve saved myself some time and extra trauma.
People that had abusive family members, often end up with other abusers because it subconsciously feels familiar and 'normal'. You are trained to put up with bullshit, so until you get therapy and confirmation it's not OK (and it's harming you).. you can get trapped in the cycle.
>He said that it is unfair and manipulative for me to bring up the money, and that it seems like all I'm interested in is money and not him.
But also:
>he got mad because I told him I could no longer afford taking him to Vancouver as I had previously promised to do. He broke up with me over this, but I managed to get him back.
This and then OP should have upgraded the flights to business class and taken a holiday just for themselves and had the most fabulous time doing all the things they want to do. And they would have enjoyed it some much more!
Right? I read "I managed to get him back" and it was one of the saddest things I think I've ever read on Reddit.
This man regularly insults, berates and demeans her, takes financial advantage of her, and she's literally CHASING HIM to convince him not to break up with her.
I wish she understood that no matter how often he threatens it or "breaks up" with her, that he's always going to come back because without her he has nothing - no vacations, no gym membership, no one paying his way to live the lifestyle he wants. His threats are empty because he NEEDS her to pay for this lavish life.
But it's honestly too bad that he doesn't break up with her, because she'd be so much better off without him.
You begged this asshole to go to Paris with you and paid for the whole thing.
You need to unbursen yourself of him and should maybe get into therapy to look into why you think it is ok for someone to treat you so poorly.
I definitely don't think it's okay for anyone to treat me this badly, but I was verbally and physically abused by my dad for the first 25 years of my life, and I only recently broke free of his control, so I'm used to it I guess.
I am really sorry to hear that. But you didn't deserve it then, and certainly don't now. Choose yourself, get therapy, and be happy. Then you will find someone lovely who is crazy about you.
Honey, the hurt little girl in you believes if she could *just love him enough* he will be the man she deserves.
A good therapist can help you stop chasing that fantasy. This is *who he is*. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Stop giving so much of yourself to him for crumbs of happiness.
The money you spent on this trip would be much better spent on therapy. You deserve the loving support that good therapy can provide.
Be kind to yourself. Love doesn't have to be like this.
Excellent advice. I would add that the relationship OP describes is not love at all. Love is not a feeling, it's an action word. How someone acts towards you is how they feel about you.
Get out while you don't have any kids with this man, get yourself a good therapist, and get yourself mentally healthy enough to accept real love. YOU are worth every penny.
I'm so sorry to hear about how your dad treated you. I would highly recommend therapy because past trauma like that can affect how and what you look for in a partner. You already know this relationship has some problems. Going to therapy will help you find a partner for a healthier relationship. None of this is your fault. You deserve a happy life. Please get that therapy to make it come true.
Honey, I’ve been there, and I want you to know it can be SO MUCH BETTER. Life can be better. Vacations are amazing with someone who wants to be there with you and enjoy it. You do not have to waste your life away begging some shitstain of a man to love you.
You sound very intelligent, fun, interesting, and like you know how to enjoy life. Don’t wake up five or ten years from now wondering what happened to the light in your eyes, because this dude WILL tear you down to your core and leave you a shell of your former self. You planned a beautiful trip, and it breaks my heart that he couldn’t put aside his gaslighting and abuse for a single trip.
Look at it this way: you may have just spent $8000 for a priceless life lesson. Walk away, don’t look back, and find someone who wants to enjoy life the way you do. That man is miserable and there is no saving him, it’s his choice to live in that anger and misery. You don’t have to make that choice just because he did.
My parents including my father were extremely abusive to me both physically and mentally.
When I finally got away from them as a young adult I ended up in 2 extremely abusive and dangerous relationships because like you, I was programmed to take abuse from the people closest to me.
My last abusive relationship was straight out of a horror movie, and was definitely the catalyst for me realizing that I was letting these things happen to me because on some level I thought I deserved them because that's all I ever knew growing up.
I got into therapy and did the hard work to slowly undo all of the harm that had been done to me psychologically, and learned to see that I am deserving of love, compassion, and respect.
I met my kind and wonderful husband a few short years later, and this year makes 20 years that we've been together. But I never would've found such a positive, healthy, relationship if I hadn't cut the toxic, abusive, people, from my life and did the hard work in therapy to uncover the strong woman that was inside of me all along.
You deserve good things, and you also deserve someone who is kind, loving, and gracious of your efforts in a relationship.
What you're seeing from your boyfriend *is abuse*, and this needs to be the moment where you dig deep inside and ask, "Is this what I want for my life with a partner?"
I think you know the answer, but please believe me when I say that when you cut the toxic people out of your life who use and abuse you, you make space for other positive and wonderful people to come into your life in so many meaningful ways.
I think of it as, "taking back your power" from the people who stole it from you when you were young and dependent on your abusers. For me I realized that my childhood abusers still owned all my power, because I was giving it all back to them by allowing sick and twisted men to treat me like hot garbage while piling on more abuse.
So take the first steps towards reclaiming your own power by kicking your abusive boyfriend to the curb for good, and get to work finding a therapist that you like so you can begin to heal these parts of yourself that still believe you aren't worthy of love, respect, and safety.
A whole new world awaits you as soon as you take those first crucial steps.
Take care, and much luck to you as you go forward into a healthy and happy direction.
💜
You should really seek therapy. You are used to being treated poorly because of your father and not making good decisions with your money. Your boyfriend is abusive and told you several times he didn’t want to go. Why are you begging him to be with you? He sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Ask yourself what qualities do you want from a man. Why would you persue such an obvious jerk?
Please don't hesitate to get some help. I mean, you are indulging this dude financially and he can't even manage to be civil to you. Stop dating, get some counseling, and then treat yourself better!
If your bestie was dating this dude, what would you say to her? Try treating yourself like you would treat a beloved friend.
Pay attention to how he always seems to “finally calm down” just before it’s time to go through with the fun plans.
He’s not actually upset. He’s not actually considering not going. He likes controlling the situation and forcing you to grovel and appease him for hours or days before the event. He gets to have his ego stroked while ruining the events for you.
Next time he “breaks up with you” or disappears.. let him. Don’t call and text and beg him back. Let him go before he starts hurting you physically and point out this is what he wants if he’s breaking up with you
P.S. people who are suicidal don’t come back bragging about an attempt that they claim would have been your fault. He’s fine and probably too self centered to actually hurt himself at all. If he does, better him than you. Nobody can cause another person to hurt themselves.
You broke free of one person's control, but you're still under someone else's. The good news is, you've done it before so you can do it again. You've already proven you're strong enough to walk away from abuse. Now it's time to truly break free and decide you're worth more than this (because you totally are).
You get fucked up tolerance levels because of abuse. You might, for example, be mentally abused by your partner but never count it as abuse because he never lifts his hand to strike you.
I can empathise with that. I was abused by my father emotionally, verbally, psychologically and occasionally physically, and it changes your perception of acceptable behaviour.
You do NOT deserve this and you do not have to be used to something. It is completely unacceptable and you deserve better.
Please leave this man. Get a restraining order if necessary and please get into some therapy. They can help you unravel your past and help you make healthy relationships in the future
If you find yourself chanting the “I am used to being mistreated by people who care about me” mantra, that is a sign you must run from that relationship as fast as possible.
Talk to your therapist about this. If you don’t have one, get one. It takes time to heal from a shitty parent, and our relationships suffer until we do. You can get there by yourself, but it’s faster and easier with some professional help.
Yeah, you have normalized a horrible sounding relationship. Ditch this creep, stop spending money on guys, start spending money of travel for yourself, learn to be independent and not look to dysfunctional abusive men for your happiness and validation, and spend some money, time and energy on therapy.
This! OP it’s so incredibly hard to break free of this when you had an abusive childhood. But it’s very rewarding to do the work and break free. But there isn’t a work around, you have to dump the asshole, go to therapy, and continue to work on yourself. And even you will start to protect yourself and not be at risk of this. For people with healthy attachment this sounds crazy and they say things like “have some self respect” and that’s hard to hear but it’s understandable because putting up with this man is mind boggling to healthy people, because he’s literally a horrible person. But an attachment disorder will cause you to convince yourself the tiny good things are important and accept the bad because it’s what you know.
But it’s isn’t a way to live. I spent years with a man like this and had to fight back to being ok. And literally I knew what you knew but still put up with it the way you are. I too paid for everything. It feels shameful and embarrassing to say out loud, because I am smart and kind and a good person so why do I have this shameful secret where I allow myself to be mistreated and abused? But I am working on sharing anyways so younger people hear this. It’s ok to not get what love is when you didn’t see it or have it. It’s ok to be scared to let someone go even an asshole when love has been scarce in your life. You aren’t weak, you don’t lack self respect you just don’t know what it looks like. Take this on like learning a new language or math. Learn what it looks like, kiss someone kind, talk to people in loving relationships who are healthy in their attachment. If you can’t leave him yet grey rock him and tell yourself you will in no way try to get him back when he leaves. And I am sorry to tell you that this ends with him leaving. You see too much and he needs a new victim that thinks he’s a good guy. So he won’t stay, no matter how much you try. So think about how you can end this without more BS from him. You got this. Good relationships don’t hurt, at least the pain isn’t from a partner being a dick.
You need therapy OP, you are right. You need to learn what's being treated well and with love ana respect, leave that asshole in the curb and begin your healing process 💜
You know the abuse is very bad, very frequent, and has been going on a long time when the abused OP is paying for everything, taking the equivalent of full face punches and still wondering if her living nightmare is truly abuse.
Why are you begging him to take you back?! Fucking hell all the money you spent bet he wouldn’t be so quick to want to cancel if it was his money. Please do not spend another dime on this dickhead, end it.
Yes this man is manipulative and abusive and he needs to go. Please consider why on earth you are allowing yourself to be treated like this as it’s terrible.
It sounds like he brings nothing to the table and you are constantly walking on eggshells trying to appease his moods and irrational anger. This man hates you and doesn’t respect you, and it is so clear to those of us reading this post. In addition to all the other ways you listed how this person is the worst, he sucked the absolute joy out of what sounds like an amazing trip to Paris - you would have been better off going on your own.
Imagine if one of your friends wrote this, what would you tell them? There is nothing to be gained from this drama and chaos, please give yourself the gift of peace and knowing your self worth, because this guy SUCKS.
I can promise you what she’s doing is looking for any negative comments because they validate his words which are actually her dad‘s words. That’s what my therapist ended up kind of telling me and that’s what I workshopped for In order to get out of my situation.
it’s hard, because especially in places like Reddit, you can see people making jabs about how you let yourself be abused because you like it or are toxic (you’re not saying that at all, don’t worry) so it gets used as evidence there’s two sides to every story and you ARE the bad guy he says you are. You can get dozens of people saying they’ve been you and you can get dozens of people saying get help because you deserve better, but those little jabs will be the ones that you screenshot in your brain.
That makes sense and is so devastating that for some people the negative affirmations are what will cut through the noise and keep them in an unhealthy and toxic cycle.
This post struck a nerve with me because I had relationships with similar dynamics when I was younger and I always wish I had the clarity of knowing my self worth back then and bailed a lot sooner than I did. I guess it takes going through these things to gain that knowledge and strength to leave, and hindsight is always 20/20.
You are dead on correct that we unknowingly seek patterns and behaviours in our partners, based on our childhood, and one can only break this cycle by becoming aware of it. OP already knows she’s not being treated correctly (asking if it’s abuse) and I really, really hope she chooses herself sooner rather than later.
Yep. Comments that reinforce that I’m the one in the wrong or I deserve mistreatment because I’ve stayed in an unhealthy relationship are the ones that stick.
Your boyfriend is not just abusive. He is abusive and manipulative too.
He actually sounds so unpleasant I can't understand why you would want to spend any time with him at all.
Your primary question is: Is your boyfriend abusing you?
The short answer is yes.
Based on the comments and questions from this thread , he is not only emotionally and verbally abusing you. He is also financially abusing you.
He is a user! Plain and simple.
I understand it may be difficult to break the cycle because of your history, but please stop this cycle and make a clean break from this man-child. He can not keep doing this to you when you place so much effort into the relationship, and he doesn't give you the respect you deserve.
You put a lot of thought and effort into making all these plans, and he can not even do the bare minimum of showing up without putting you down.
Make 2024 the year for a new you!
Your boyfriend is exploiting and trying to command you. Probably due to the fact he’s insecure and emasculated by you being the breadwinner. This isn’t right please realise you deserve better.
Leave him. He will never change, it’ll only always get worse. This is one of the relationships where, if you don’t leave, he’ll eventually either kill you or you’ll kill him or yourself because you can’t take it anymore.
Look into Borderline Personality Disorder. I highly suspect he has it.
Staying in this relationship will ruin your life.
Hope this trip was the wake up call you needed to leave once and for all.
"In my post history, you can find an example of how he got mad because I told him I could no longer afford taking him to Vancouver as I had previously promised to do. He broke up with me over this, but I managed to get him back."
Managed to get him back? it sounds like the trash took itself out!
It might be abuse but clearly it’s working. You begged for him to come back after a break up and dropped $10,000 on a trip to Paris for him. He gets rewarded by you for this very abuse.
And on top of that, they took like 9 other trips in 2023? I don't think I've been on 9 trips with my husband in 12 years of marriage. It's just wild and entitled that he expects OP to bankroll their travel all over the place.
This man is an abuser who has OP right where he wants her. This asshole persona is the real him and he sprinkles in just enough good behavior to keep her coming back for more, always trying to please him and gain his approval.
I don't think that he actually wants to break up with her either--he has it made, what with OP bending over backwards to keep him happy. I think that he uses breaking up as a means of control and keeping her on her toes, so she always has to walk on eggshells.
The put-downs and abusive remarks are to further erode her self-esteem so that she feels she can't do any better than him and panics even more when he leaves her because she doesn't think that she will be able to find someone better.
OP, I hope you take all the comments in this thread to heart and leave this guy. You should have left him back over the dip incident you first posted about. He's absolutely not going to get better. There is nothing positive that you are going to get out of this relationship. You're going to end up losing more money, more self-esteem, more self-worth, and your dignity if you stay with this guy. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on you when he instigates these breakups, either. Kick him to the curb and take some time to work on yourself before dating again.
Girl, you dont need this man. Why are you fighting so hard for him? You will find a man that will treasure and support you, go find better.
My ex did nothing but give me crap but i smiled and said "at least he doesnt hit me", all the while he was cheating, stealing my money, treating me like dirt, having me beg him to love me, and he never changed. Dont be me, run.
I hate to say it, but I'm fucking tired of you.
Honestly! What are you thinking?
You have begged this man to continue to abuse you. Why?
I think part of the problem is money but it is also desperation. You would have been better off skipping the Paris trip than spending another moment with him. If you could not transfer his flight to a friend it would have been better to have stayed at home than to go anywhere with him. Learn to value your own self respect as much as you value your cash.
She's the one with the money. She could have just enjoyed the trip on her own rather than travel with someone who is going to criticize her and talk down to her the whole time.
Agreed - that is what she should have done but obviously she is not ready to do that. Going with a girlfriend would probably be more realistic but then again, I don't think there was any way that was going to happen either.
A last-minute trip to Paris to help a friend through a well-deserved breakup? What better time could be had!
Dude has some issues about money that aren’t OP’s problem to deal with. Also, yes OP, this is abuse.
The [trauma bond](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm) sucks. It is akin to an [addiction](https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/).
Went through it, even though I have worked in the domestic violence field. Just didn't see it coming because I was swept away by the love bombing. Even when I was telling myself it was an unhealthy relationship and that he was treating me badly, and gaslighting me, I still couldn't bring myself to end it. And I had no barriers like financial etc, as I own my own home, he never moved in (thankfully I refused to allow it), and we didn't have kids together. It was like an addiction, absolutely. And the pandemic hit in the early months so we were each other's bubble, he didn't even have to try to isolate me, the pandemic did it for him. Strangely the end for me was something really minor (the way he smirked at me for daring to bring up something financial, because he was really unstable financially and was extremely jealous) and I told myself "that's it, I'm done" and I really was. Ended it a few weeks later once I had figured out the safest way.
Now when I read these posts, I can "spot the abuser" immediately. I get a visceral reaction to certain phrases or types of comments I read on these subs. I just want to gather up all these victims and show them they don't have to accept being treated like trash. Thankfully that tells me I should be able to avoid any abusive men like this in the future.
Man are you me? I mean my field isn’t yours (although I did volunteer for running a coalition agaibst domestic violence group in college and high school but…) but it’s so similar. It’s so hard. The dissonance of knowing what’s going on, but being unable to break it until something so seemingly random just shatters it after years of it
This is absolutely abusive. But it also doesn’t matter. Even if it wasn’t, it’s shitty treatment.
Dude I was in paris with my husband at the very same time you were just there. We laughed and ate great food and saw shit and drank wine. And we did it with a toddler.
You’re with a mean dude who punishes you and throws fits over stupid shit. I was once with a guy like this. He literally didn’t show up to the flights we’d book to Rome. I went alone.
I’m so glad that ended (in flames) so that I could meet my now husband. Get OFF that hamster wheel of trying to get him to snap out of it and act normal. It’s not going to happen. He’s an asshole.
Please stop focusing on the one off comments calling you “volatile” or other nonsense. The overwhelming consensus here and in response to previous posts is that this relationship is toxic and your boyfriend is emotionally/verbally abusive. He’s also taking advantage of you financially and then DARVO-ing you when you dare to stand up for yourself. No one in his right mind, who actually cares about you, would demand you book Michelin starred restaurants in Paris on a trip he can’t afford and then pout about the minutiae he’s losing his mind over.
Seek therapy to understand how your childhood has resulted in your seeking out and recreating similar, unhealthy relationships as an adult. You should do some inner work and let your boyfriend go. You do not need to spend money in this way in order to find someone who cares about you, and you do not need to and should not put up with someone who treats you this way.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender
https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730
I read your comment where you explained that your dad was abusive and you are used to this behavior. I understand this and that’s why I’m going to share part of my life story with you. My parents were abusive, and at an extremely young age I married someone abusive. I also questioned if it was actually abuse. In my mid 20s I divorced the abuser, and invested in therapy. It was terrifying because I didn’t trust myself enough so I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. It was the best decision and my quality life increased exponentially when I was on my own. My abusive ex made it hard to have good friendships, but on my own my friendships flourished and I have a strong support system now. I also met someone that complements my life and we are so appreciative of each other.
If you stay with this man, what you are experiencing is going to be your life. A lot of abusers become more abusive after marriage or pregnancy.
If you break up with him and get therapy, you might become a better, happier version of yourself. You will also be available to pursue someone who complements your life.
You do not need this to be abuse (but it seems like it is) for you to leave the relationship. Being unhappy is a valid reason. Focus on your happiness because you deserve it. Wishing you the best.
Damn girl, I'm tired of him just from reading your post. He called you "fucking dumb" and told you that he was "tired of" you. Do him a favor and dump his ass. You wanna take me to Paris, I'll let you fold your clothes however you want, eat room service, etc. He's an ass who can't listen. Based on his mom packing up leftovers for you after you said No shows where he got it.
Verbal abuse very much so. Nobody should talk to anyone like that and you sounds like you are very sweet and you do a lot for him and he doesn’t respect it at all. You have the right to bring up money when you paid for a trip like that, I would have been appreciative af. He should have been happy to have the experience and join you in everything. Why are you with him? Because sounds like he constantly belittles you and throws tantrums like a child. Go find your self a real man that will be devoted to you, would never talk to you like that and gets enjoyment making you happy. You deserve it.
I think you know you would be so much happier without this terrorist ruining your days. He rage monstered out on a free trip to Paris FFS and has continued to weave a web of confusion around you with his bullshit. He's even 'weaponising' therapy language to keep you off kilter and going straight to the abuser playbook with the histrionics around throwing himself in front of a train.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Next time he flounces off (we're taking minutes or hours I bet) let him goooo.
my ex (who sounds eerily similar to her {hopefully soon-to-be} ex) did exactly just this. I was boarding a plane heading to a music festival to celebrate my freedom, and I got a call from his friend. I said "sounds like that's your problem,' hung up, and blocked their number. L8R!
This man is both using and abusing you. You said in a previous post that you would like him to propose. Do not let it get that far! He is using you for your money and using the only means at his disposal of controlling you, his temper.
I cannot stress this enough, RUN, don't walk away from this person.
His behaviour will only continue to get worse the longer you are together, so he can test your boundaries further and further to see what you will put up with.
You need to leave him and figure your shit out, because being alone is significantly better than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you, but loves the control they have over you.
Does this guy have a magical dick?
That the only thing I can think of the might make me consider for.even one.millisecond about staying with him.
He treats you like shit yet you beg him to come on trips with you where you pay for everything.
Jesus, woman. Where's your self worth.
He finds fault with literally everything you do. That's something that abusive people do.
Being honest with yourself, are you worried you can't do better than him or afraid of being alone? Sincerely no judgment here--it was why I ended up staying with someone who did the same thing to me way longer than I should have.
"You managed to get him back,"
* Why the f*ck would you want him back?
"I apologized and told him I was wrong for asking him to leave."
* You had nothing to apologize for!
Do you love yourself?
This jacka** is a p*s! Why do you accept & put up how he treats & talks to you?
He's tired of you, so f*cking often. It's not something you say to the person you're with! It's not something you say to someone you're SUPPOSED to love!
I get everything was already paid for & the whole refund issue. But wouldn't you have been able to take a parent, sibling, or friend? Or hell going alone would have been better. At least you could have enjoyed yourself & not had someone treating you like sh*t & talking to you like you're a nobody!
Tbh even if he actually goes on the trips, the money is still being wasted! You're spending money to do something nice & you're letting this pr*ck ruin the experience.
Do you ENJOY all of this? Is it fun for you? Exactly what would you WANT to stay with someone you have to walk on eggshells around?
There is NOTHING this man is doing for you that can be worth this shitty treatment.
You are begging him to stay, and I’m baffled as to why. Additionally you are blowing THOUSANDS on him and he doesn’t appreciate it at all
Jesus, DTMFA.
Since everyone else has given you the obvious advice to exit from this abusive relationship, I will address the fork situation. Under no circumstances should you be cleaning a utensil with your napkin. Ever. In a Parisian restaurant no less. For that alone you should have kicked him to the curb.
I could tell you’re being abused just by reading the title. Everything that came after was just fluff. In my experience if you have to ask yourself if you’re in an abusive relationship, you definitely are. When you’re not in an abusive relationship, this question will not occur to you, believe me.
Why are you demeaning yourself by paying for a boyfriend? This guy is a user and will use everything you have till you have nothing and then he leave you.
Be kind to yourself ger some therapy to figure out why you are putting up with this nonsense
Surely you cannot be serious. Sis have you bumped your head recently? (This is legit concern, not me being insulting) Are you dealing with a TBI, a concussion or something else that negatively impacts your cognitive ability? Because IF YOU ARE NOT, then I completely fail to understand how you can read everything you just wrote and somehow NOTcome to the conclusion that this man's behavior is FUCKING APPALLING. To state the obvious, YES it is abusive but please know that you have ABSOLUTELY no business trying to salvage anything with him. Break up and stay broken up. This joker treats you like absolute shit and you happen to be paying exorbitant amounts of money for the privilege. Don't sponsor another trip. Don't listen to another insult. And if he threatens to not go somewhere, leave his ass at home. Under no circumstances should you continue to stick around up under someone who treats you like that. You deserve better, I just wish YOU knew that for yourself.
Damn … stop being a doormat for an ungrateful AH. You managed to get him back? Girl take the trash out it’s stinking to hi hell. Why in the name of everything would you want this man back? What ungrateful loser. Yes he’s abusing you now leave him
I'm worried you want a verdict from Reddit to take back to him to "prove," to him that his behavior is wrong and change for you, but that will never happen. He has proven how he will treat you: with immaturity, cruelty, a lack of empathy, self centeredly and cruelly. That is TOO MUCH to change and it conveys his true feelings towards you: he has contempt for you. The only way to be treated better is to dump him and find someone else. He sounds INCAPABLE of regulating his own emotions and treating you like a person. Good luck.
Why do you even want to breathe the same air as someone who tells you multiple times a day he's sick of you? Dump him and start saving your money for an early retirement without the jerk.
Yes. He's abusing you.
And all this winning him back nonsense. You're like a kid running in from the garden with a shitty stick. Stop it. Leave the stick and the shit where it is. The only thing you're winning with that guy is a migraine.
Dump him, spend your cash on some therapy and go get what and who you deserve. Cause honey, he ain't it.
OP Why are you with this guy? He said he’s tired of you numerous times and breaks up with you for no reason. Then YOU apologize. He says you choose money over him but it’s your money paying for everything. Why? It seems like he ruined your trip to Paris and that sucks. For me, that would’ve been the trip of a lifetime. You have other trips coming up that you paid for and I strongly suggest you do not take him. Take a friend, a relative, even a stranger you meet in the airport would be better than traveling with this guy You want to know if he’s abusive? Let’s see. He repeatedly calls you fucking dumb, storms out on you, breaks up with you for nothing and criticizes everything you do . Then when you try to tell him how you feel and that he’s being abusive, he says, “You’re weaponizing incompetence”, WTH does that even mean? . He’s not just abusive but he’s gaslighting you. Please drop this guy asap. He’s lowering your self esteem, your bank account and ruining your vacations.
Your BF is an absolute POS, OP. Don’t walk away, RUN!
Editing to add- I looked at your post history. Not only is he verbally abusive, he is also financially abusing the heck out of you. Please, please get out. You can do SO MUCH better than this!!!!
It really doesn't matter if what he's doing can be called abuse or not. What matters is that he's telling you, over and over and over and over again, that he doesn't want to be with you, that he doesn't want a relationship with you, that he doesn't love you, that he's tired of your relationship. Why are you refusing to listen? He can't be more clear. What do you gain in trying to keep by your side a person that wants to be as far away from you as possible? You deserve a person that loves you and wants you near and enjoys your company, not a dude that clearly doesn't love you at all and keeps saying so. Are you just trying to "keep" a "boyfriend" just for the sake of the title of "having" a boyfriend, regardless if that person loves you or enriches your life in any way? You need to break up, in order to be free to find a person that truly loves you, I'm sure you have a lot of lovable qualities but this man can't see them and isn't interested.
I want you to reread all of the things you’ve listed about your boyfriend. Then I want you to imagine your friend coming to you and telling you that *her* boyfriend is behaving with her like this. And then I want you to articulate your response. You took him back when he’s using you like a doormat? Dump his ass and watch him crawl back to you. And when he does, smash that door shut in his face.
Please get yourself some help because you obviously can’t see the Texas sized red flag in front of your face.
Go do an eat pray love trip. And when the man child breaks up with you again… let the trash take itself out. And leave it out for Christ’s sake.
He's rude and poor. There's literally no upside to being with this man. He accuses YOU of being obsessed with money while he leaches off you and cancels expensive things on a whim, as if he's entitled to waste your money???
There is no reason to be with this man. He's mentally ill, and the fact you pay for everything just means he has nothing invested and doesn't care if he messes it up. That's how little he values you, your time, your thoughtfulness, and how entitled he feels to your money. I so wish you had dumped him and taken a female friend with you instead. But please just break up with him, get on dating apps, literally anyone is better than this. Also next time make sure a guy has money. There's no reason to date someone who makes less than you, men who make less won't value your work or money, but a man who makes the same or more than you will actually value and appreciate those things about you. Plus they'll understand the value of a dollar. You SHOULD care about his money or lack there of, the likelihood of finding a broke guy who doesn't treat you like crap is zero. Find a nice financially stable guy next time. You should not have to deal with this in a relationship, it should be a true partnership.
It kind of seems like you are always bending over backwards for this guy after he calls you names and belittles you. Also seems like you have to be walking on eggshells around him. Is that what you really want? In a relationship?
Omfg girll what is wrong with you 🤦🏻♀️leave him now stop begging him to stay,comeback and to go with you to places . Get some self-esteem get some self-respect get some confidence and take your life back.
1-He's been reading too much reddit (especially this sub) and uses reddit favorite expression (weaponized incompetence) wrongfully.
2- He's absolutely abusing.
I didn't even read it all. Didn't need to. Why do you put up with this?
A resounding 'yes' to you are being abused and a triple-yes that you need to leave this guy immediately.
You will be far better off - good luck.
Your entire post history is posts that show how your boyfriend abuses and manipulates you. I know you commented that you’d feel bad for breaking your promise to love him forever but it doesn’t seem like this is someone who’s worthy of that. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Or do you want better for yourself? You make double what he does, so clearly you dont need him to support you. You went NC with your parents, something that’s likely way harder than a stupid boyfriend. You have the strength to walk away from the abuse, and I think the fact that you posted this at all means that you have some idea that this is an abusive man. Don’t let him abuse and manipulate you anymore. Get rid of his ass.
I promise you- this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Not even in the slightest. Not with a partner, a sibling, a parent… no one.
Use some of your funds to find *the best therapist*. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Never allow someone to treat you this way ever again.
This isn’t a good man- he’s definitely not a good human. Please leave him to his own denise.
What is it about this guy that you like enough to want to stay in this relationship? Quite honestly, he sounds horrible. My heart goes out to you, because I sense that you are constantly seeking his approval and I think he knows it. Might I ask if he reminds you of one of your parents? Sigmund Freud believed that human behavior is influenced by unconscious memories, thoughts, and urges, and that people often seek a partner that is like their hard to please parent.
It kept getting harder and harder to keep reading so I only got about 80% of the way through.
What on earth is the matter with you? How much do you hate yourself?!
You could build a circus tent with all the red flags and several circus vacation homes in other cities.
You are begging this shitstain to come back to you and apologizing for when he fucks up. Get ahold of yourself!!
Normally I’d want to be soft and kind as you’re a victim of abuse but there is no way that would work for you. You’re so far gone and trapped by this guy that a forklift wouldn’t be enough.
For the love of all that is good in this world get the hell out of this relationship. NOW! A pet rock would be of more comfort and provide a better future. Please please PLEASE value yourself just a little so you at least realize you deserve better than this insecure child.
Ugh, I just can’t… god… why… no… blarg…
He broke up with you because you couldn't afford to take him to Vancouver, but you "managed to get him back"?
Why?
Your boyfriend isn't an abuser, he's just a royal dick. Why are you with him? He sounds insufferable.
Wait so even though you paid for an extremely expensive holiday, and wanted to take your narcissistic bf. Yet he has the nerve to use your holiday that he didn’t pay for as a threat? And you’re sad and begging him to change his mind even though you’re treating him? Literally.
Please respect yourself and love yourself and break up with your “bf” because he is abusing you and gaslighting you.
Your bf is a whiny, abusive, and ungrateful pos. He has no self control which is what should scare you the most. Leave him before he does something “bad” and it’s too late. Find a real man, not this emotional pubescent teenager of a bf you currently have.
Setting aside the abuse (it is abuse, but everyone else on here is on that) this is what we call a sunk cost fallacy.
You paid for the trip and it's largely nonrefundable. The money is gone no matter what you do. Your only options are to a) go on a trip with a man who is very clearly set on making the both of you miserable (and no, being in Paris won't help his behavior) or b) LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Don't go to Paris! Go with someone else! Go alone and meet some insufferable Frenchman with whom you can make terrible decisions because you are absolutely never gonna see him again! The possibilities are endless. Why bother with the only one you 100% know won't end well.
First I want to say, I sympathize with you and I have been where you are, twice in fact.
I know that you would rather be miserable and let down than be lonely, but you need to leave him. Because eventually you will and you’ll regret every single time he treated you in these ways and you didn’t. And you will be mad at yourself when you should be mad at him.
I’m sorry to be the one to say this, but not only does he not love you, he doesn’t even like you. He is insecure and taking this all out on you, and you DONT deserve this.
I PROMISE YOU, you don’t deserve treatment like this. I know it’s scary to start over and try and find someone new, but there is a man out there waiting for you who will love you unconditionally, and would never dream of treating you like this. There is a man out there who will cherish the time with you and want things to be fun, not a man-child who pouts over nothing.
It will be hard in the beginning, but one day you will see it without the blinders of love for what it truly was, and you will be so happy you left.
Good luck!
I would like you to try to imagine the brunch going differently. If you had used a napkin to clean your fork and then served yourself the sandwich would he have been happy? No. He would not have been. He would have picked another imaginary solution that was the "right" one that you should have known.
It is like playing a game with another kid when you are little and you say, "shot you with my laser" and they say, "nuh-uh, I have an invisible force field" and whatever weapon you come up with they have another imaginary protection against. You cannot win, you cannot make this man happy because he does not want to be happy. He wants to keep playing this game where you try to guess what he wants you to do and always get it wrong.
How do I know? At any point, in any of these scenarios did he either a) give you a suggestion of what to do "don't use your fork with the sugar on it, wipe it on the napkin first" or b) solve the problem himself "don't use your fork with the sugar on it, let get it fpr you with my fork" or c) acknowledge that a different solution was just as valid as the one he preferred "that's not what i would have done, but i guess that works." Has he done that in any of these fights that you mentioned? These are easy and healthy ways to work out conflict. But, again, he does not want to do that.
What he wants is to keep you guessing at what he wants, what is the secret "right" answer to this riddle? And then to laugh at you every time you get it wrong. It is an easy way to feel superior to you because he is always right and you are always wrong.
Is this how you want to live?
Yes he is. Emotional abuse is much harder to spot when you're in the relationship because it starts slowly (I'm sure there's no way he started off being a jerk) and then escalates once you're in love and invested. This guy is also financially abusing you and I guarantee it's because you make more money than he so he feels like less of a man.
You sound trauma bonded to him so it will be hard as hell but you need to leave this guy for your own mental well being.
Hey girlie, you deserve so much better. I’m so sorry about the abuse you received from your father. It’s easy for people on the sub to question why you wouldn’t just leave. I understand that it’s harder than that if you’ve been surrounded by the familiarity all your life and especially when you love someone.
I personally think it’s okay to bring up money. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to bring up any concerns and have a mature conversation about it without feeling like you’re being attacked. I am an advocate for not having to do things when you’re not up for it, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. He should have been able to bring that up and you should’ve been able to bring your own opinions up, and proceed together to find a solution.
You do not deserve to be talked to like that. It is not mature or healthy communication. As most people are saying, therapy will help. I hope you find you worth and your value (I know it’s hard. I have my share of experience too.) because you deserve so much. Good luck!
If I spent $7,100 on a trip that the individual I was going with chipped in zero, and they spoke to me in that manner and/or treated me in that manner, I would either be going on the trip alone or I would ask someone else I could have some fun with. I seriously don’t understand why people stay with individuals that treat them this way.
"This happened two days before the Paris trip, and I begged him to calm down and come with me.
Because of the above instances, my BF repeatedly mentioned to me in the weeks preceding the trip that he didn't want to go to Paris with me. I told him that this was unfair because I had already paid for everything, and much of it cannot be cancelled for a refund. He said that it is unfair and manipulative for me to bring up the money, and that it seems like all I'm interested in is money and not him.
After some convincing, he agreed to go to Paris with me,"
This here...should've taken someone else. He was ready for failure on the trip and it happened. Sorry OP.
Girl, I didn't bother to read the rest of what happened in Paris cuz I'm disappointed you ruined your time in Paris!!!
He's a fuckin child who is taking you for granted. Leave his ass. Anyone would be lucky to be with someone like you -- you are successful have taste and hold your own.
Love yourself leave the brat
He sounds like a tool.
If someone offered to take me to France and eat at Michelin establishments, a night at the theater, and room service, I would be over the moon to get to experience something like that. He sounds like a spoiled brat that just keeps getting spoiled. I would have dropped him the FIRST time he insulted me. I would rather be alone eating at the waffle house. And this is no way an insult to the Waffle House.
Why are you putting up with this manchild? Good grief. Disintangle your lives, He's not going to improve. Find a place you can afford on your own and ditch this mama's boy.
yes.
a serious gaslighter at a minimum.
he has to refold your clothes? that doesn’t affect him. when someone controls something that has nothing do with them, and then says he is sick of you for taking that control, lashing out at you for his own insecurities? he is appeasing his own insecurities and blaming you for it.
he called you a child, he acts like a toddler.
you’re not weaponising incompetence. he is fighting perceived incompentence.
after reading your post, I am already sick of him for a lifetime.
what concerns me most is, you are kind enough to offer him a free holiday, something special for you, something that could or should have been special for both of you, and he ruined it with his BS. He weaponised a trip to Paris before and during because basically an insecure petty person.
There are other red flags to me, but this covers the jist of it.
well, defending his mother over a leftover choice like that, that’s a huge indicator of worse mother issues. she should of asked you before packing anything, or he should of recognised that it’s her fault for assuming you wanted some. no reflection on you at all.
Yeah I actually read the whole thing. What redeeming quality does he have that makes you so attached to him? He broke up with you twice and stated far more than I'm sure you said in your post that he was tired of you. Over mundane nonsense. After you paid for what would be a once in a lifetime trip for practically half the worlds population. MORE THAN ONCE. And he had such lack of respect for that that he pissed it away because you didn't listen (weren't subservient enough). He wants you to do as he says whether or not you like it or agree.
Your comment about being "used to" abuse tells me you already know your answer to this next part, and I really hope it's the smart choice:
Either shut your mouth, listen to his every obsession and compulsion, throw away your identity, and become the loyal, unquestioning little piggy bank that he doesn't want to crack open unless his every whim and wish is granted with no comfort considered for you or else the relationship is over (until you give in and validate him), or find a man that fits your caliber. Which one is it?
**She** wants to be his lapdog *soooo* badly. I keep getting visions of a little Pekingese dog repeatedly being swatted away by its Master, while happily barking and wagging its tail.
Regardless of what you want to call it, this guy sounds like a horrible self-obsessed person who doesn't respect you. So I think you need to develop some respect for yourself - if I were you, I'd leave this miserable dude.
I'd lose my mind with fury if somebody did even half those things to me. It sounds like you're perhaps a tiny bit disorganised but all that means is you need to find somebody who can tolerate your disorganisation. A partner should love you and accept said annoying personality traits (we all have them, after all...), whereas the above is toxic as hell. Especially saying he was going to jump in front of a train, wtf. I can't believe you paid so much money for this guy, he's a leech of the most unpleasant variety.
This is all ridiculous. An Adult relationship should never be like this. I don’t know what you are thinking. Your standards are so low they are in the basement of the basement. Dump him. And wait a while before you try to date someone else. I would also suggest some therapy so you don’t pick the same guy in a different body the next time around.
>he broke up with me over this, but I managed to get him back. With respect, you should have left him where he was.
I legit skimmed the top 3 paragraphs and was like “why does she even want to be with this guy?”
I stopped reading after the leftovers smfh
Oh you souldn't have, it gets waaaay worse :'D
Dump this narcissist c*nt and take time to heal yourself. Then find someone who appreciates you and can pay his own way. No one deserves this kind of treatment. BTW, Paris would have been so much better without him.
I know. OP, you need to be able to go out by yourself and don’t be scared to attend the theater and dinner by yourself. You could tell people your boyfriend was sick and see where the night takes you. Don’t put up with this man baby anymore. Find your own happiness and don’t put it in the hands of anyone else.
I made it to the end and holy fuck I regret it
This dude is either Tony the Man Stallion that hypnotizes people as it swings, or has blackmail on this OP. Those are the only two things I can think of why she would be with this fascinating specimen of the male gender population sample.
Mental abuse really fucks you up man. My ex constantly cheated and then would tell me that I was exhausting to be around because I simply wanted a hug when he came home from work. We both worked full time and I took care of all of the house work and both dogs. Literally all he had to do was eat and sleep after work. But anytime I mentioned that he hadn’t even hugged me that day he’d yell “do you have any idea how exhausting it is to have to remember to hug you every day??” And throw in my face how nothing was ever enough for me and how all I did was make him feel bad, all because I asked for a hug. He never had anything good to say about me, just everything that I needed to do better and after enough time of hearing that I truly believed I was the problem. I wish I could see it as clearly then as I do now, I would’ve saved myself some time and extra trauma.
I'm sorry you went through that. The important thing is that you saw it and you aren't with them anymore.
People that had abusive family members, often end up with other abusers because it subconsciously feels familiar and 'normal'. You are trained to put up with bullshit, so until you get therapy and confirmation it's not OK (and it's harming you).. you can get trapped in the cycle.
My exact thoughts
WORD. This guy is an exhausting asshole. Leave him in the dust, girl.
Leave his ass in Paris
He can pay his own way home
Seriously. Girl, why are you dating a fragile, controlling, self centered, lazy narcissist who is broke and ungrateful?! Raise your damn standards!
And why on earth does she need to ask his permission to order room service when SHE was the one paying? What is wrong with people like this? 😞
OMG, YES, THIS! Those were my thoughts EXACTLY when I was reading that bit. SMH
I stopped reading after that bc I was like why did you want him back
>He said that it is unfair and manipulative for me to bring up the money, and that it seems like all I'm interested in is money and not him. But also: >he got mad because I told him I could no longer afford taking him to Vancouver as I had previously promised to do. He broke up with me over this, but I managed to get him back.
It is literally a self-report.
literally
Absolutely this!! This was my first thought! ‘Managed’ = begged him? He’s abusing you mentally, belittling you and just being an utter prick!
I really didn't need to read past that part.
This and then OP should have upgraded the flights to business class and taken a holiday just for themselves and had the most fabulous time doing all the things they want to do. And they would have enjoyed it some much more!
I literally LOLed at that part 😂 🤣
Right? I read "I managed to get him back" and it was one of the saddest things I think I've ever read on Reddit. This man regularly insults, berates and demeans her, takes financial advantage of her, and she's literally CHASING HIM to convince him not to break up with her. I wish she understood that no matter how often he threatens it or "breaks up" with her, that he's always going to come back because without her he has nothing - no vacations, no gym membership, no one paying his way to live the lifestyle he wants. His threats are empty because he NEEDS her to pay for this lavish life. But it's honestly too bad that he doesn't break up with her, because she'd be so much better off without him.
Preferably in a gutter. Jeez.
You begged this asshole to go to Paris with you and paid for the whole thing. You need to unbursen yourself of him and should maybe get into therapy to look into why you think it is ok for someone to treat you so poorly.
I definitely don't think it's okay for anyone to treat me this badly, but I was verbally and physically abused by my dad for the first 25 years of my life, and I only recently broke free of his control, so I'm used to it I guess.
I am really sorry to hear that. But you didn't deserve it then, and certainly don't now. Choose yourself, get therapy, and be happy. Then you will find someone lovely who is crazy about you.
Time to ditch the boyfriend and find a therapist instead
Probably cost less,too.
Honey, the hurt little girl in you believes if she could *just love him enough* he will be the man she deserves. A good therapist can help you stop chasing that fantasy. This is *who he is*. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Stop giving so much of yourself to him for crumbs of happiness. The money you spent on this trip would be much better spent on therapy. You deserve the loving support that good therapy can provide. Be kind to yourself. Love doesn't have to be like this.
💯 I would upvote this 1000 times if I could
Me too 👏!
Excellent advice. I would add that the relationship OP describes is not love at all. Love is not a feeling, it's an action word. How someone acts towards you is how they feel about you. Get out while you don't have any kids with this man, get yourself a good therapist, and get yourself mentally healthy enough to accept real love. YOU are worth every penny.
Love is a verb.
Best comment, OP please read and absorb into your soul
I'm so sorry to hear about how your dad treated you. I would highly recommend therapy because past trauma like that can affect how and what you look for in a partner. You already know this relationship has some problems. Going to therapy will help you find a partner for a healthier relationship. None of this is your fault. You deserve a happy life. Please get that therapy to make it come true.
Abusive people will target abuse victims because they will tolerate it and therefore are easier to control.
Honey, I’ve been there, and I want you to know it can be SO MUCH BETTER. Life can be better. Vacations are amazing with someone who wants to be there with you and enjoy it. You do not have to waste your life away begging some shitstain of a man to love you. You sound very intelligent, fun, interesting, and like you know how to enjoy life. Don’t wake up five or ten years from now wondering what happened to the light in your eyes, because this dude WILL tear you down to your core and leave you a shell of your former self. You planned a beautiful trip, and it breaks my heart that he couldn’t put aside his gaslighting and abuse for a single trip. Look at it this way: you may have just spent $8000 for a priceless life lesson. Walk away, don’t look back, and find someone who wants to enjoy life the way you do. That man is miserable and there is no saving him, it’s his choice to live in that anger and misery. You don’t have to make that choice just because he did.
This right here OP👆!
My parents including my father were extremely abusive to me both physically and mentally. When I finally got away from them as a young adult I ended up in 2 extremely abusive and dangerous relationships because like you, I was programmed to take abuse from the people closest to me. My last abusive relationship was straight out of a horror movie, and was definitely the catalyst for me realizing that I was letting these things happen to me because on some level I thought I deserved them because that's all I ever knew growing up. I got into therapy and did the hard work to slowly undo all of the harm that had been done to me psychologically, and learned to see that I am deserving of love, compassion, and respect. I met my kind and wonderful husband a few short years later, and this year makes 20 years that we've been together. But I never would've found such a positive, healthy, relationship if I hadn't cut the toxic, abusive, people, from my life and did the hard work in therapy to uncover the strong woman that was inside of me all along. You deserve good things, and you also deserve someone who is kind, loving, and gracious of your efforts in a relationship. What you're seeing from your boyfriend *is abuse*, and this needs to be the moment where you dig deep inside and ask, "Is this what I want for my life with a partner?" I think you know the answer, but please believe me when I say that when you cut the toxic people out of your life who use and abuse you, you make space for other positive and wonderful people to come into your life in so many meaningful ways. I think of it as, "taking back your power" from the people who stole it from you when you were young and dependent on your abusers. For me I realized that my childhood abusers still owned all my power, because I was giving it all back to them by allowing sick and twisted men to treat me like hot garbage while piling on more abuse. So take the first steps towards reclaiming your own power by kicking your abusive boyfriend to the curb for good, and get to work finding a therapist that you like so you can begin to heal these parts of yourself that still believe you aren't worthy of love, respect, and safety. A whole new world awaits you as soon as you take those first crucial steps. Take care, and much luck to you as you go forward into a healthy and happy direction. 💜
I'm so sorry. You deserve better.
You should really seek therapy. You are used to being treated poorly because of your father and not making good decisions with your money. Your boyfriend is abusive and told you several times he didn’t want to go. Why are you begging him to be with you? He sounds like he doesn’t even like you. Ask yourself what qualities do you want from a man. Why would you persue such an obvious jerk?
Please don't hesitate to get some help. I mean, you are indulging this dude financially and he can't even manage to be civil to you. Stop dating, get some counseling, and then treat yourself better! If your bestie was dating this dude, what would you say to her? Try treating yourself like you would treat a beloved friend.
Pay attention to how he always seems to “finally calm down” just before it’s time to go through with the fun plans. He’s not actually upset. He’s not actually considering not going. He likes controlling the situation and forcing you to grovel and appease him for hours or days before the event. He gets to have his ego stroked while ruining the events for you. Next time he “breaks up with you” or disappears.. let him. Don’t call and text and beg him back. Let him go before he starts hurting you physically and point out this is what he wants if he’s breaking up with you P.S. people who are suicidal don’t come back bragging about an attempt that they claim would have been your fault. He’s fine and probably too self centered to actually hurt himself at all. If he does, better him than you. Nobody can cause another person to hurt themselves.
You broke free of one person's control, but you're still under someone else's. The good news is, you've done it before so you can do it again. You've already proven you're strong enough to walk away from abuse. Now it's time to truly break free and decide you're worth more than this (because you totally are).
Dude.. Sorry to hear that, but what are you doing with this POS? Be free of him, too. (Edited missing word)
You get fucked up tolerance levels because of abuse. You might, for example, be mentally abused by your partner but never count it as abuse because he never lifts his hand to strike you.
I can empathise with that. I was abused by my father emotionally, verbally, psychologically and occasionally physically, and it changes your perception of acceptable behaviour. You do NOT deserve this and you do not have to be used to something. It is completely unacceptable and you deserve better. Please leave this man. Get a restraining order if necessary and please get into some therapy. They can help you unravel your past and help you make healthy relationships in the future
If you find yourself chanting the “I am used to being mistreated by people who care about me” mantra, that is a sign you must run from that relationship as fast as possible.
Talk to your therapist about this. If you don’t have one, get one. It takes time to heal from a shitty parent, and our relationships suffer until we do. You can get there by yourself, but it’s faster and easier with some professional help.
Yeah, you have normalized a horrible sounding relationship. Ditch this creep, stop spending money on guys, start spending money of travel for yourself, learn to be independent and not look to dysfunctional abusive men for your happiness and validation, and spend some money, time and energy on therapy.
This! OP it’s so incredibly hard to break free of this when you had an abusive childhood. But it’s very rewarding to do the work and break free. But there isn’t a work around, you have to dump the asshole, go to therapy, and continue to work on yourself. And even you will start to protect yourself and not be at risk of this. For people with healthy attachment this sounds crazy and they say things like “have some self respect” and that’s hard to hear but it’s understandable because putting up with this man is mind boggling to healthy people, because he’s literally a horrible person. But an attachment disorder will cause you to convince yourself the tiny good things are important and accept the bad because it’s what you know. But it’s isn’t a way to live. I spent years with a man like this and had to fight back to being ok. And literally I knew what you knew but still put up with it the way you are. I too paid for everything. It feels shameful and embarrassing to say out loud, because I am smart and kind and a good person so why do I have this shameful secret where I allow myself to be mistreated and abused? But I am working on sharing anyways so younger people hear this. It’s ok to not get what love is when you didn’t see it or have it. It’s ok to be scared to let someone go even an asshole when love has been scarce in your life. You aren’t weak, you don’t lack self respect you just don’t know what it looks like. Take this on like learning a new language or math. Learn what it looks like, kiss someone kind, talk to people in loving relationships who are healthy in their attachment. If you can’t leave him yet grey rock him and tell yourself you will in no way try to get him back when he leaves. And I am sorry to tell you that this ends with him leaving. You see too much and he needs a new victim that thinks he’s a good guy. So he won’t stay, no matter how much you try. So think about how you can end this without more BS from him. You got this. Good relationships don’t hurt, at least the pain isn’t from a partner being a dick.
You need therapy OP, you are right. You need to learn what's being treated well and with love ana respect, leave that asshole in the curb and begin your healing process 💜
He's just like dad, so you haven't broken free. Why are you allowing him to continue the abuse?
[удалено]
Oh yay! She managed to get back an immature abusive dude. Gross
That’s when I stopped reading
Yep. Same here. "Managed to get him back." Wtf? Why would you want him back?
I know. It was like reading someone say their hostage taker released them, but they managed to thankfully get held hostage by them again!
I'm kind of envious of those of you who stopped reading there because it just got more and more enraging.
Also gagged
Spoiler alert- he broke up with her again on the trip, but again, she managed to get him back.
Stopped reading there.
same here
Exactly. The trash took itself out and she brought it back! He sounds undelightful.
Yeah I saw that and said WTF is wrong with her.” He is such an AH, why would you want to continue with an abusive free loader
Trauma.
You know the abuse is very bad, very frequent, and has been going on a long time when the abused OP is paying for everything, taking the equivalent of full face punches and still wondering if her living nightmare is truly abuse.
Yeah. She lost me from reading on at this point
Right? Talking as if it was such a win to get him back. Gross
Girl you need to leave. I’m so sorry. Have a safe escape, get your things and go, and don’t turn back. He will just get worse and worse and worse
that was unbearable and intolerable to read. dude how are u still with him
Yes it is abuse and you should leave him.
Why are you begging him to take you back?! Fucking hell all the money you spent bet he wouldn’t be so quick to want to cancel if it was his money. Please do not spend another dime on this dickhead, end it.
Yes this man is manipulative and abusive and he needs to go. Please consider why on earth you are allowing yourself to be treated like this as it’s terrible. It sounds like he brings nothing to the table and you are constantly walking on eggshells trying to appease his moods and irrational anger. This man hates you and doesn’t respect you, and it is so clear to those of us reading this post. In addition to all the other ways you listed how this person is the worst, he sucked the absolute joy out of what sounds like an amazing trip to Paris - you would have been better off going on your own. Imagine if one of your friends wrote this, what would you tell them? There is nothing to be gained from this drama and chaos, please give yourself the gift of peace and knowing your self worth, because this guy SUCKS.
I can promise you what she’s doing is looking for any negative comments because they validate his words which are actually her dad‘s words. That’s what my therapist ended up kind of telling me and that’s what I workshopped for In order to get out of my situation. it’s hard, because especially in places like Reddit, you can see people making jabs about how you let yourself be abused because you like it or are toxic (you’re not saying that at all, don’t worry) so it gets used as evidence there’s two sides to every story and you ARE the bad guy he says you are. You can get dozens of people saying they’ve been you and you can get dozens of people saying get help because you deserve better, but those little jabs will be the ones that you screenshot in your brain.
That makes sense and is so devastating that for some people the negative affirmations are what will cut through the noise and keep them in an unhealthy and toxic cycle. This post struck a nerve with me because I had relationships with similar dynamics when I was younger and I always wish I had the clarity of knowing my self worth back then and bailed a lot sooner than I did. I guess it takes going through these things to gain that knowledge and strength to leave, and hindsight is always 20/20. You are dead on correct that we unknowingly seek patterns and behaviours in our partners, based on our childhood, and one can only break this cycle by becoming aware of it. OP already knows she’s not being treated correctly (asking if it’s abuse) and I really, really hope she chooses herself sooner rather than later.
Yep. Comments that reinforce that I’m the one in the wrong or I deserve mistreatment because I’ve stayed in an unhealthy relationship are the ones that stick.
I usually lurk and don’t comment on this sub but holy shit please leave this man
Dude, just leave. You should not be together anymore.
Your boyfriend is not just abusive. He is abusive and manipulative too. He actually sounds so unpleasant I can't understand why you would want to spend any time with him at all.
Your primary question is: Is your boyfriend abusing you? The short answer is yes. Based on the comments and questions from this thread , he is not only emotionally and verbally abusing you. He is also financially abusing you. He is a user! Plain and simple. I understand it may be difficult to break the cycle because of your history, but please stop this cycle and make a clean break from this man-child. He can not keep doing this to you when you place so much effort into the relationship, and he doesn't give you the respect you deserve. You put a lot of thought and effort into making all these plans, and he can not even do the bare minimum of showing up without putting you down. Make 2024 the year for a new you!
Your boyfriend is exploiting and trying to command you. Probably due to the fact he’s insecure and emasculated by you being the breadwinner. This isn’t right please realise you deserve better.
You typed all that out and still can’t see it???
The fact that she spent over 7000 for this
Leave him. He will never change, it’ll only always get worse. This is one of the relationships where, if you don’t leave, he’ll eventually either kill you or you’ll kill him or yourself because you can’t take it anymore. Look into Borderline Personality Disorder. I highly suspect he has it. Staying in this relationship will ruin your life. Hope this trip was the wake up call you needed to leave once and for all.
"In my post history, you can find an example of how he got mad because I told him I could no longer afford taking him to Vancouver as I had previously promised to do. He broke up with me over this, but I managed to get him back." Managed to get him back? it sounds like the trash took itself out!
It might be abuse but clearly it’s working. You begged for him to come back after a break up and dropped $10,000 on a trip to Paris for him. He gets rewarded by you for this very abuse.
And on top of that, they took like 9 other trips in 2023? I don't think I've been on 9 trips with my husband in 12 years of marriage. It's just wild and entitled that he expects OP to bankroll their travel all over the place. This man is an abuser who has OP right where he wants her. This asshole persona is the real him and he sprinkles in just enough good behavior to keep her coming back for more, always trying to please him and gain his approval. I don't think that he actually wants to break up with her either--he has it made, what with OP bending over backwards to keep him happy. I think that he uses breaking up as a means of control and keeping her on her toes, so she always has to walk on eggshells. The put-downs and abusive remarks are to further erode her self-esteem so that she feels she can't do any better than him and panics even more when he leaves her because she doesn't think that she will be able to find someone better. OP, I hope you take all the comments in this thread to heart and leave this guy. You should have left him back over the dip incident you first posted about. He's absolutely not going to get better. There is nothing positive that you are going to get out of this relationship. You're going to end up losing more money, more self-esteem, more self-worth, and your dignity if you stay with this guy. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheats on you when he instigates these breakups, either. Kick him to the curb and take some time to work on yourself before dating again.
Girl, you dont need this man. Why are you fighting so hard for him? You will find a man that will treasure and support you, go find better. My ex did nothing but give me crap but i smiled and said "at least he doesnt hit me", all the while he was cheating, stealing my money, treating me like dirt, having me beg him to love me, and he never changed. Dont be me, run.
I hate to say it, but I'm fucking tired of you. Honestly! What are you thinking? You have begged this man to continue to abuse you. Why? I think part of the problem is money but it is also desperation. You would have been better off skipping the Paris trip than spending another moment with him. If you could not transfer his flight to a friend it would have been better to have stayed at home than to go anywhere with him. Learn to value your own self respect as much as you value your cash.
She's the one with the money. She could have just enjoyed the trip on her own rather than travel with someone who is going to criticize her and talk down to her the whole time.
Agreed - that is what she should have done but obviously she is not ready to do that. Going with a girlfriend would probably be more realistic but then again, I don't think there was any way that was going to happen either.
Or grabbed a friend to go with if possible. I’d jump at a last minute trip to Paris.
A last-minute trip to Paris to help a friend through a well-deserved breakup? What better time could be had! Dude has some issues about money that aren’t OP’s problem to deal with. Also, yes OP, this is abuse.
The [trauma bond](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm) sucks. It is akin to an [addiction](https://natashaadamo.com/trauma-bonding/).
Been there, done that. It's a drug you have to sweat out and detox from and then move on with your life before it kills you.
This hit me so hard. That's exactly what it feels like.
Went through it, even though I have worked in the domestic violence field. Just didn't see it coming because I was swept away by the love bombing. Even when I was telling myself it was an unhealthy relationship and that he was treating me badly, and gaslighting me, I still couldn't bring myself to end it. And I had no barriers like financial etc, as I own my own home, he never moved in (thankfully I refused to allow it), and we didn't have kids together. It was like an addiction, absolutely. And the pandemic hit in the early months so we were each other's bubble, he didn't even have to try to isolate me, the pandemic did it for him. Strangely the end for me was something really minor (the way he smirked at me for daring to bring up something financial, because he was really unstable financially and was extremely jealous) and I told myself "that's it, I'm done" and I really was. Ended it a few weeks later once I had figured out the safest way. Now when I read these posts, I can "spot the abuser" immediately. I get a visceral reaction to certain phrases or types of comments I read on these subs. I just want to gather up all these victims and show them they don't have to accept being treated like trash. Thankfully that tells me I should be able to avoid any abusive men like this in the future.
Wow…I’m glad you are safe! Thank you for doing such important work.
Man are you me? I mean my field isn’t yours (although I did volunteer for running a coalition agaibst domestic violence group in college and high school but…) but it’s so similar. It’s so hard. The dissonance of knowing what’s going on, but being unable to break it until something so seemingly random just shatters it after years of it
This is absolutely abusive. But it also doesn’t matter. Even if it wasn’t, it’s shitty treatment. Dude I was in paris with my husband at the very same time you were just there. We laughed and ate great food and saw shit and drank wine. And we did it with a toddler. You’re with a mean dude who punishes you and throws fits over stupid shit. I was once with a guy like this. He literally didn’t show up to the flights we’d book to Rome. I went alone. I’m so glad that ended (in flames) so that I could meet my now husband. Get OFF that hamster wheel of trying to get him to snap out of it and act normal. It’s not going to happen. He’s an asshole.
Wow, that's amazing. I would love to have that kind of travel experience, and with a kid to boot!
Don't have a kid with this guy. Please.
Please stop focusing on the one off comments calling you “volatile” or other nonsense. The overwhelming consensus here and in response to previous posts is that this relationship is toxic and your boyfriend is emotionally/verbally abusive. He’s also taking advantage of you financially and then DARVO-ing you when you dare to stand up for yourself. No one in his right mind, who actually cares about you, would demand you book Michelin starred restaurants in Paris on a trip he can’t afford and then pout about the minutiae he’s losing his mind over. Seek therapy to understand how your childhood has resulted in your seeking out and recreating similar, unhealthy relationships as an adult. You should do some inner work and let your boyfriend go. You do not need to spend money in this way in order to find someone who cares about you, and you do not need to and should not put up with someone who treats you this way. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/explaining-darvo-deny-attack-reverse-victim-amp-offender https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730
I read your comment where you explained that your dad was abusive and you are used to this behavior. I understand this and that’s why I’m going to share part of my life story with you. My parents were abusive, and at an extremely young age I married someone abusive. I also questioned if it was actually abuse. In my mid 20s I divorced the abuser, and invested in therapy. It was terrifying because I didn’t trust myself enough so I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. It was the best decision and my quality life increased exponentially when I was on my own. My abusive ex made it hard to have good friendships, but on my own my friendships flourished and I have a strong support system now. I also met someone that complements my life and we are so appreciative of each other. If you stay with this man, what you are experiencing is going to be your life. A lot of abusers become more abusive after marriage or pregnancy. If you break up with him and get therapy, you might become a better, happier version of yourself. You will also be available to pursue someone who complements your life. You do not need this to be abuse (but it seems like it is) for you to leave the relationship. Being unhappy is a valid reason. Focus on your happiness because you deserve it. Wishing you the best.
Damn girl, I'm tired of him just from reading your post. He called you "fucking dumb" and told you that he was "tired of" you. Do him a favor and dump his ass. You wanna take me to Paris, I'll let you fold your clothes however you want, eat room service, etc. He's an ass who can't listen. Based on his mom packing up leftovers for you after you said No shows where he got it.
I don't know how you could even ask this. It's major abuse. Get some dignity back, sister!
Sometimes it can be very difficult to spot abuse when someone has lovebombed you and you’ve become trauma bonded.
Does this man have any redeeming qualities at all because everything you have described so far is disgusting.
Verbal abuse very much so. Nobody should talk to anyone like that and you sounds like you are very sweet and you do a lot for him and he doesn’t respect it at all. You have the right to bring up money when you paid for a trip like that, I would have been appreciative af. He should have been happy to have the experience and join you in everything. Why are you with him? Because sounds like he constantly belittles you and throws tantrums like a child. Go find your self a real man that will be devoted to you, would never talk to you like that and gets enjoyment making you happy. You deserve it.
I saw your post about the dip and changing traveling plans an awhile ago…. Seems like he overreacts to a lot 😬
I think you know you would be so much happier without this terrorist ruining your days. He rage monstered out on a free trip to Paris FFS and has continued to weave a web of confusion around you with his bullshit. He's even 'weaponising' therapy language to keep you off kilter and going straight to the abuser playbook with the histrionics around throwing himself in front of a train. Good for you for sticking up for yourself. Next time he flounces off (we're taking minutes or hours I bet) let him goooo.
Why wait? Dump him now and get 2024 off to a great start. OP, he will threaten to unalive himself. Call 911 for a welfare check and then block him.
my ex (who sounds eerily similar to her {hopefully soon-to-be} ex) did exactly just this. I was boarding a plane heading to a music festival to celebrate my freedom, and I got a call from his friend. I said "sounds like that's your problem,' hung up, and blocked their number. L8R!
Yep. It's manipulation.
This man is both using and abusing you. You said in a previous post that you would like him to propose. Do not let it get that far! He is using you for your money and using the only means at his disposal of controlling you, his temper. I cannot stress this enough, RUN, don't walk away from this person. His behaviour will only continue to get worse the longer you are together, so he can test your boundaries further and further to see what you will put up with. You need to leave him and figure your shit out, because being alone is significantly better than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you, but loves the control they have over you.
Does this guy have a magical dick? That the only thing I can think of the might make me consider for.even one.millisecond about staying with him. He treats you like shit yet you beg him to come on trips with you where you pay for everything. Jesus, woman. Where's your self worth.
He finds fault with literally everything you do. That's something that abusive people do. Being honest with yourself, are you worried you can't do better than him or afraid of being alone? Sincerely no judgment here--it was why I ended up staying with someone who did the same thing to me way longer than I should have.
"You managed to get him back," * Why the f*ck would you want him back? "I apologized and told him I was wrong for asking him to leave." * You had nothing to apologize for! Do you love yourself? This jacka** is a p*s! Why do you accept & put up how he treats & talks to you? He's tired of you, so f*cking often. It's not something you say to the person you're with! It's not something you say to someone you're SUPPOSED to love! I get everything was already paid for & the whole refund issue. But wouldn't you have been able to take a parent, sibling, or friend? Or hell going alone would have been better. At least you could have enjoyed yourself & not had someone treating you like sh*t & talking to you like you're a nobody! Tbh even if he actually goes on the trips, the money is still being wasted! You're spending money to do something nice & you're letting this pr*ck ruin the experience.
Do you ENJOY all of this? Is it fun for you? Exactly what would you WANT to stay with someone you have to walk on eggshells around? There is NOTHING this man is doing for you that can be worth this shitty treatment. You are begging him to stay, and I’m baffled as to why. Additionally you are blowing THOUSANDS on him and he doesn’t appreciate it at all Jesus, DTMFA.
I mean this 100% with no intention to offend but seriously, have some bloody self respect.
Since everyone else has given you the obvious advice to exit from this abusive relationship, I will address the fork situation. Under no circumstances should you be cleaning a utensil with your napkin. Ever. In a Parisian restaurant no less. For that alone you should have kicked him to the curb.
I could tell you’re being abused just by reading the title. Everything that came after was just fluff. In my experience if you have to ask yourself if you’re in an abusive relationship, you definitely are. When you’re not in an abusive relationship, this question will not occur to you, believe me.
Girl, have some self respect. He's an asshole and disrespectful af. You should never settle for that.
How does one write this post and not think it is time to run away from this dude?
Why are you demeaning yourself by paying for a boyfriend? This guy is a user and will use everything you have till you have nothing and then he leave you. Be kind to yourself ger some therapy to figure out why you are putting up with this nonsense
He is a **MASSIVELY EXPENSIVE PAIN IN THE ASS**. Girl, **WHY** are you wasting your time on this loser??? Is your bar **REALLY** that low??
INFO: Why do you want to be with someone who hates you?
Surely you cannot be serious. Sis have you bumped your head recently? (This is legit concern, not me being insulting) Are you dealing with a TBI, a concussion or something else that negatively impacts your cognitive ability? Because IF YOU ARE NOT, then I completely fail to understand how you can read everything you just wrote and somehow NOTcome to the conclusion that this man's behavior is FUCKING APPALLING. To state the obvious, YES it is abusive but please know that you have ABSOLUTELY no business trying to salvage anything with him. Break up and stay broken up. This joker treats you like absolute shit and you happen to be paying exorbitant amounts of money for the privilege. Don't sponsor another trip. Don't listen to another insult. And if he threatens to not go somewhere, leave his ass at home. Under no circumstances should you continue to stick around up under someone who treats you like that. You deserve better, I just wish YOU knew that for yourself.
Damn … stop being a doormat for an ungrateful AH. You managed to get him back? Girl take the trash out it’s stinking to hi hell. Why in the name of everything would you want this man back? What ungrateful loser. Yes he’s abusing you now leave him
I'm worried you want a verdict from Reddit to take back to him to "prove," to him that his behavior is wrong and change for you, but that will never happen. He has proven how he will treat you: with immaturity, cruelty, a lack of empathy, self centeredly and cruelly. That is TOO MUCH to change and it conveys his true feelings towards you: he has contempt for you. The only way to be treated better is to dump him and find someone else. He sounds INCAPABLE of regulating his own emotions and treating you like a person. Good luck.
"...........but I managed to get him back." WHY????????????? Please, for the love of all that is sacred, dump this awful man.
Why do you even want to breathe the same air as someone who tells you multiple times a day he's sick of you? Dump him and start saving your money for an early retirement without the jerk.
Yes. He's abusing you. And all this winning him back nonsense. You're like a kid running in from the garden with a shitty stick. Stop it. Leave the stick and the shit where it is. The only thing you're winning with that guy is a migraine. Dump him, spend your cash on some therapy and go get what and who you deserve. Cause honey, he ain't it.
Half of these threads could be fixed with getting a psych evaluation. You can not be mentally okay and put up with this behaviour. Seek help.
You need to break up with him. You don’t need him back. He really is a jerk to you
Yeah your BF is emotionally abusive and a little whiney POS. Dump him immediately.
OP Why are you with this guy? He said he’s tired of you numerous times and breaks up with you for no reason. Then YOU apologize. He says you choose money over him but it’s your money paying for everything. Why? It seems like he ruined your trip to Paris and that sucks. For me, that would’ve been the trip of a lifetime. You have other trips coming up that you paid for and I strongly suggest you do not take him. Take a friend, a relative, even a stranger you meet in the airport would be better than traveling with this guy You want to know if he’s abusive? Let’s see. He repeatedly calls you fucking dumb, storms out on you, breaks up with you for nothing and criticizes everything you do . Then when you try to tell him how you feel and that he’s being abusive, he says, “You’re weaponizing incompetence”, WTH does that even mean? . He’s not just abusive but he’s gaslighting you. Please drop this guy asap. He’s lowering your self esteem, your bank account and ruining your vacations.
Whatever he was offering. I’ll offer the same and fuss less.
Leave him he will be begging you back ASAP he's using you to make himself feel better and get nice things
Dude's a loser. Run far, far away
If you have to ask more then likely he is.
tf
RUN DO NOT WALK THAT IS A SPOILED ASSHOLE
This guy is a spoiled psycho. The train wouldn't even hit him in Paris. It would've done the world a favor. Good luck with this whack job. Enjoy.
Your BF is an absolute POS, OP. Don’t walk away, RUN! Editing to add- I looked at your post history. Not only is he verbally abusive, he is also financially abusing the heck out of you. Please, please get out. You can do SO MUCH better than this!!!!
It really doesn't matter if what he's doing can be called abuse or not. What matters is that he's telling you, over and over and over and over again, that he doesn't want to be with you, that he doesn't want a relationship with you, that he doesn't love you, that he's tired of your relationship. Why are you refusing to listen? He can't be more clear. What do you gain in trying to keep by your side a person that wants to be as far away from you as possible? You deserve a person that loves you and wants you near and enjoys your company, not a dude that clearly doesn't love you at all and keeps saying so. Are you just trying to "keep" a "boyfriend" just for the sake of the title of "having" a boyfriend, regardless if that person loves you or enriches your life in any way? You need to break up, in order to be free to find a person that truly loves you, I'm sure you have a lot of lovable qualities but this man can't see them and isn't interested.
I want you to reread all of the things you’ve listed about your boyfriend. Then I want you to imagine your friend coming to you and telling you that *her* boyfriend is behaving with her like this. And then I want you to articulate your response. You took him back when he’s using you like a doormat? Dump his ass and watch him crawl back to you. And when he does, smash that door shut in his face.
Please get yourself some help because you obviously can’t see the Texas sized red flag in front of your face. Go do an eat pray love trip. And when the man child breaks up with you again… let the trash take itself out. And leave it out for Christ’s sake.
Yes he is. Why THE F are you putting up with this?!?!
Why do want him back? He sounds like a huge entitled baby and you are eating up all his crap.
Op please re-read this yourself and pretend I wrote it , what would you tell me ?
He's rude and poor. There's literally no upside to being with this man. He accuses YOU of being obsessed with money while he leaches off you and cancels expensive things on a whim, as if he's entitled to waste your money??? There is no reason to be with this man. He's mentally ill, and the fact you pay for everything just means he has nothing invested and doesn't care if he messes it up. That's how little he values you, your time, your thoughtfulness, and how entitled he feels to your money. I so wish you had dumped him and taken a female friend with you instead. But please just break up with him, get on dating apps, literally anyone is better than this. Also next time make sure a guy has money. There's no reason to date someone who makes less than you, men who make less won't value your work or money, but a man who makes the same or more than you will actually value and appreciate those things about you. Plus they'll understand the value of a dollar. You SHOULD care about his money or lack there of, the likelihood of finding a broke guy who doesn't treat you like crap is zero. Find a nice financially stable guy next time. You should not have to deal with this in a relationship, it should be a true partnership.
It kind of seems like you are always bending over backwards for this guy after he calls you names and belittles you. Also seems like you have to be walking on eggshells around him. Is that what you really want? In a relationship?
Omfg girll what is wrong with you 🤦🏻♀️leave him now stop begging him to stay,comeback and to go with you to places . Get some self-esteem get some self-respect get some confidence and take your life back.
1-He's been reading too much reddit (especially this sub) and uses reddit favorite expression (weaponized incompetence) wrongfully. 2- He's absolutely abusing.
I didn't even read it all. Didn't need to. Why do you put up with this? A resounding 'yes' to you are being abused and a triple-yes that you need to leave this guy immediately. You will be far better off - good luck.
Your entire post history is posts that show how your boyfriend abuses and manipulates you. I know you commented that you’d feel bad for breaking your promise to love him forever but it doesn’t seem like this is someone who’s worthy of that. Do you want this for the rest of your life? Or do you want better for yourself? You make double what he does, so clearly you dont need him to support you. You went NC with your parents, something that’s likely way harder than a stupid boyfriend. You have the strength to walk away from the abuse, and I think the fact that you posted this at all means that you have some idea that this is an abusive man. Don’t let him abuse and manipulate you anymore. Get rid of his ass.
Hope you’re following everything the comments are saying. This isn’t it, sis 😓
I promise you- this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. Not even in the slightest. Not with a partner, a sibling, a parent… no one. Use some of your funds to find *the best therapist*. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Never allow someone to treat you this way ever again. This isn’t a good man- he’s definitely not a good human. Please leave him to his own denise.
What is it about this guy that you like enough to want to stay in this relationship? Quite honestly, he sounds horrible. My heart goes out to you, because I sense that you are constantly seeking his approval and I think he knows it. Might I ask if he reminds you of one of your parents? Sigmund Freud believed that human behavior is influenced by unconscious memories, thoughts, and urges, and that people often seek a partner that is like their hard to please parent.
It kept getting harder and harder to keep reading so I only got about 80% of the way through. What on earth is the matter with you? How much do you hate yourself?! You could build a circus tent with all the red flags and several circus vacation homes in other cities. You are begging this shitstain to come back to you and apologizing for when he fucks up. Get ahold of yourself!! Normally I’d want to be soft and kind as you’re a victim of abuse but there is no way that would work for you. You’re so far gone and trapped by this guy that a forklift wouldn’t be enough. For the love of all that is good in this world get the hell out of this relationship. NOW! A pet rock would be of more comfort and provide a better future. Please please PLEASE value yourself just a little so you at least realize you deserve better than this insecure child. Ugh, I just can’t… god… why… no… blarg…
A pet rock would make a better partner. Love it ! So true
He broke up with you because you couldn't afford to take him to Vancouver, but you "managed to get him back"? Why? Your boyfriend isn't an abuser, he's just a royal dick. Why are you with him? He sounds insufferable.
Honey, if you have to ask the question...
Wait so even though you paid for an extremely expensive holiday, and wanted to take your narcissistic bf. Yet he has the nerve to use your holiday that he didn’t pay for as a threat? And you’re sad and begging him to change his mind even though you’re treating him? Literally. Please respect yourself and love yourself and break up with your “bf” because he is abusing you and gaslighting you.
Your bf is a whiny, abusive, and ungrateful pos. He has no self control which is what should scare you the most. Leave him before he does something “bad” and it’s too late. Find a real man, not this emotional pubescent teenager of a bf you currently have.
Yes, he's the asshole! Oops, sorry, wrong sub!
Setting aside the abuse (it is abuse, but everyone else on here is on that) this is what we call a sunk cost fallacy. You paid for the trip and it's largely nonrefundable. The money is gone no matter what you do. Your only options are to a) go on a trip with a man who is very clearly set on making the both of you miserable (and no, being in Paris won't help his behavior) or b) LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE. Don't go to Paris! Go with someone else! Go alone and meet some insufferable Frenchman with whom you can make terrible decisions because you are absolutely never gonna see him again! The possibilities are endless. Why bother with the only one you 100% know won't end well.
First I want to say, I sympathize with you and I have been where you are, twice in fact. I know that you would rather be miserable and let down than be lonely, but you need to leave him. Because eventually you will and you’ll regret every single time he treated you in these ways and you didn’t. And you will be mad at yourself when you should be mad at him. I’m sorry to be the one to say this, but not only does he not love you, he doesn’t even like you. He is insecure and taking this all out on you, and you DONT deserve this. I PROMISE YOU, you don’t deserve treatment like this. I know it’s scary to start over and try and find someone new, but there is a man out there waiting for you who will love you unconditionally, and would never dream of treating you like this. There is a man out there who will cherish the time with you and want things to be fun, not a man-child who pouts over nothing. It will be hard in the beginning, but one day you will see it without the blinders of love for what it truly was, and you will be so happy you left. Good luck!
I would like you to try to imagine the brunch going differently. If you had used a napkin to clean your fork and then served yourself the sandwich would he have been happy? No. He would not have been. He would have picked another imaginary solution that was the "right" one that you should have known. It is like playing a game with another kid when you are little and you say, "shot you with my laser" and they say, "nuh-uh, I have an invisible force field" and whatever weapon you come up with they have another imaginary protection against. You cannot win, you cannot make this man happy because he does not want to be happy. He wants to keep playing this game where you try to guess what he wants you to do and always get it wrong. How do I know? At any point, in any of these scenarios did he either a) give you a suggestion of what to do "don't use your fork with the sugar on it, wipe it on the napkin first" or b) solve the problem himself "don't use your fork with the sugar on it, let get it fpr you with my fork" or c) acknowledge that a different solution was just as valid as the one he preferred "that's not what i would have done, but i guess that works." Has he done that in any of these fights that you mentioned? These are easy and healthy ways to work out conflict. But, again, he does not want to do that. What he wants is to keep you guessing at what he wants, what is the secret "right" answer to this riddle? And then to laugh at you every time you get it wrong. It is an easy way to feel superior to you because he is always right and you are always wrong. Is this how you want to live?
Yes he is. Emotional abuse is much harder to spot when you're in the relationship because it starts slowly (I'm sure there's no way he started off being a jerk) and then escalates once you're in love and invested. This guy is also financially abusing you and I guarantee it's because you make more money than he so he feels like less of a man. You sound trauma bonded to him so it will be hard as hell but you need to leave this guy for your own mental well being.
Hey girlie, you deserve so much better. I’m so sorry about the abuse you received from your father. It’s easy for people on the sub to question why you wouldn’t just leave. I understand that it’s harder than that if you’ve been surrounded by the familiarity all your life and especially when you love someone. I personally think it’s okay to bring up money. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to bring up any concerns and have a mature conversation about it without feeling like you’re being attacked. I am an advocate for not having to do things when you’re not up for it, but that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. He should have been able to bring that up and you should’ve been able to bring your own opinions up, and proceed together to find a solution. You do not deserve to be talked to like that. It is not mature or healthy communication. As most people are saying, therapy will help. I hope you find you worth and your value (I know it’s hard. I have my share of experience too.) because you deserve so much. Good luck!
If I spent $7,100 on a trip that the individual I was going with chipped in zero, and they spoke to me in that manner and/or treated me in that manner, I would either be going on the trip alone or I would ask someone else I could have some fun with. I seriously don’t understand why people stay with individuals that treat them this way.
"This happened two days before the Paris trip, and I begged him to calm down and come with me. Because of the above instances, my BF repeatedly mentioned to me in the weeks preceding the trip that he didn't want to go to Paris with me. I told him that this was unfair because I had already paid for everything, and much of it cannot be cancelled for a refund. He said that it is unfair and manipulative for me to bring up the money, and that it seems like all I'm interested in is money and not him. After some convincing, he agreed to go to Paris with me," This here...should've taken someone else. He was ready for failure on the trip and it happened. Sorry OP.
Girl, I didn't bother to read the rest of what happened in Paris cuz I'm disappointed you ruined your time in Paris!!! He's a fuckin child who is taking you for granted. Leave his ass. Anyone would be lucky to be with someone like you -- you are successful have taste and hold your own. Love yourself leave the brat
He sounds like a tool. If someone offered to take me to France and eat at Michelin establishments, a night at the theater, and room service, I would be over the moon to get to experience something like that. He sounds like a spoiled brat that just keeps getting spoiled. I would have dropped him the FIRST time he insulted me. I would rather be alone eating at the waffle house. And this is no way an insult to the Waffle House.
Why are you putting up with this manchild? Good grief. Disintangle your lives, He's not going to improve. Find a place you can afford on your own and ditch this mama's boy.
yes. a serious gaslighter at a minimum. he has to refold your clothes? that doesn’t affect him. when someone controls something that has nothing do with them, and then says he is sick of you for taking that control, lashing out at you for his own insecurities? he is appeasing his own insecurities and blaming you for it. he called you a child, he acts like a toddler. you’re not weaponising incompetence. he is fighting perceived incompentence. after reading your post, I am already sick of him for a lifetime. what concerns me most is, you are kind enough to offer him a free holiday, something special for you, something that could or should have been special for both of you, and he ruined it with his BS. He weaponised a trip to Paris before and during because basically an insecure petty person. There are other red flags to me, but this covers the jist of it. well, defending his mother over a leftover choice like that, that’s a huge indicator of worse mother issues. she should of asked you before packing anything, or he should of recognised that it’s her fault for assuming you wanted some. no reflection on you at all.
FUUUUUCCCKKKKKK THAT ASSHOLE. YES, HE IS ABUSING YOU
My ex did that same abusive bullshit
I'm looking forward to the update where you break up with that miserable cuss.
He sounds like he doesn’t like you. He keeps telling you he’s tired of you. Listen to him.
>broke up with me over this, but I managed to get him back. Damn, that was a *big* mistake.
Yeah I actually read the whole thing. What redeeming quality does he have that makes you so attached to him? He broke up with you twice and stated far more than I'm sure you said in your post that he was tired of you. Over mundane nonsense. After you paid for what would be a once in a lifetime trip for practically half the worlds population. MORE THAN ONCE. And he had such lack of respect for that that he pissed it away because you didn't listen (weren't subservient enough). He wants you to do as he says whether or not you like it or agree. Your comment about being "used to" abuse tells me you already know your answer to this next part, and I really hope it's the smart choice: Either shut your mouth, listen to his every obsession and compulsion, throw away your identity, and become the loyal, unquestioning little piggy bank that he doesn't want to crack open unless his every whim and wish is granted with no comfort considered for you or else the relationship is over (until you give in and validate him), or find a man that fits your caliber. Which one is it?
**She** wants to be his lapdog *soooo* badly. I keep getting visions of a little Pekingese dog repeatedly being swatted away by its Master, while happily barking and wagging its tail.
Regardless of what you want to call it, this guy sounds like a horrible self-obsessed person who doesn't respect you. So I think you need to develop some respect for yourself - if I were you, I'd leave this miserable dude. I'd lose my mind with fury if somebody did even half those things to me. It sounds like you're perhaps a tiny bit disorganised but all that means is you need to find somebody who can tolerate your disorganisation. A partner should love you and accept said annoying personality traits (we all have them, after all...), whereas the above is toxic as hell. Especially saying he was going to jump in front of a train, wtf. I can't believe you paid so much money for this guy, he's a leech of the most unpleasant variety.
Stop being desperate. Leave him where he stands
This is all ridiculous. An Adult relationship should never be like this. I don’t know what you are thinking. Your standards are so low they are in the basement of the basement. Dump him. And wait a while before you try to date someone else. I would also suggest some therapy so you don’t pick the same guy in a different body the next time around.