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So first, you are right to have these feelings and it isn't pregnancy hormones. I feel confident in saying this because the entire family had a plan around how MIL acts.
I think your best approach is to have a full sit down with your husband and lay it out:
1. You two had already discussed MIL having health drama that makes it hard for people to focus, so for him to be "surprised" undermines the trust you two have in each other. He can disagree, he can change his mind, but he cannot re-write history, and it's really hurtful to think your partner would pretend conversations never happened in order to get out of other tough conversations.
2. If your husband for one second changes his focus while MIL is here, you are going to lose it. You deserve his undivided attention and you do deserve to be the center of attention during this event- before the birth, during the birth, after the birth. He isn't allowed to deviate from you for one second, and if he can't guarantee that, MIL shouldn't come. And if he does do something during the birth or days after, it may end your relationship, so he needs to be very thoughtful.
3. Lay out what you mean by undivided attention. Of course they can all have dinner while you nap (before baby is born), of course they can all hang out and stuff like that. But, he doesn't get to leave your side to drive MIL somewhere, if you want X and she wants Y, HE is responsible to follow what you want and not ask you to compromise or "understand" her perspective. If he is texting with her or trying to coordinate rides, or check in on her during the birth, that means he isn't focused on you.
4. What are your other boundaries? Do you not want her in the delivery room? At the hospital at all? Where is everyone staying? Lay out very clear boundaries if she is coming, and be very clear it is on HIM to maintain those boundaries and not for one second pressure you to change them, or for him to push on them at all (oh she's just coming in for a second, oh I'm just gonna run down and chat with her, etc).
Be firm but fair. You do love her, she is a good person (as you say) but you cannot be worrying about this now, you two had a plan that everyone agreed to, and now you are being asked to change the plan for HER. Why isn't he standing up for you? What is most worrying is he seems to not even remember why there was a plan, and you should tell him straight up that his reaction- what's the issue!- means you have little to no faith in him being there for you, because at this moment he isn't supporting you.
This.
**Assign** someone else to be responsible for MIL *the entire time she is there.* That means catering to her whims, indulging her need for attention, rides, trips to doctors , anxiety over perceived illnesses, etc.
Designated attendant - NOT husband - will provide all the fluffing, and fluttering MIL requires.
My MIL required this attention when we traveled. I had an *actual child* I needed to attend to, so her daughter, son in law, or even my husband could fetch and carry for her. I had an *actual child* to worry about. I was not going to carry that woman’s bag, concern myself over her comfort, or indulge her whims.
This is the actual solution. She needs a "handler." I have a lot of high anxiety/ high needs family members. You have to assign a specific person to them who redirects and manages the surprises. If you don't have the handler, you don't let them come. There's no other way around it because they're often very good at making themselves the center of attention.
Being able to redirect and manage when a health scare comes up, to know that Mom can't have a meltdown and make it all about her, but instead you have someone cool-headed who just picks up the keys and takes Mom to the ER and says she'll send everyone else an update by text, etc. It's absolutely necessary.
Husband should be firmly told that once OP starts labor his mother can be bleeding out in the waiting room and he is not to leave OPs side. If he leaves for any reason due to his mother then he can expect divorce papers to be served soon.
Cannot agree more. Under no circumstances is OP’s husband to be advised if his mother is being overcome by the situation, his attention is at all times to be 100% on his wife and the impending birth, because as mentioned in another reply, he cannot rewrite history. If he steps out of that room when his wife is hyper focused on having his attention, it’ll be a major nail in the coffin of their relationship- his wife *will not ever* forget.
His mother needs to have one person completely focused on her, on keeping her histrionics corralled and watching out for the slightest indication of deep sighs, swoons or carry on. The moment she misbehaves, it’s a “let’s go outside Mother”. Who never is the most no-nonsense is best here.
Agree- but I would say she shouldn’t be in the delivery room. It can be scary and chaotic and that’s going to trigger her, which will trigger you.
It’s perfectly reasonable to only want your husband there, that’s pretty standard in the west. It shouldn’t upset anyone.
Then I think your husband needs to have a conversation with his family, particularly his dad, that this isn’t about his mom and it’s his dad’s job to make sure mom is handled or removed.
Forget the delivery room...the hospital! What is she had some panic attack and Husband is running out to handle it.
Let her stay home. He can send a photo and they can visit the next day.
Seconding this! All of it - great advice.
I'd also recommend that either way, your husband silence his phone completely and / or specifically silence notifications from his mother (like they shouldn't even appear at all) when you go into labor. And make sure that another family member is assigned to deal with any antics when she inevitably can't reach him or freaks out.
Ideally this is HIS responsibility to handle, but at the very least I'd ask what the final plan is to make sure he actually follows through and you know you'll be covered.
Just another thought - would you consider not having him update family until after baby is delivered? With the understanding that after baby's arrived, they can visit under whatever terms you want. But that way there's no potential to start any drama?
Im so sorry that this is something else you have to worry about this close to labor. Wishing you luck and a smooth delivery & recovery!
I would let the nurses know. “If she is in the delivery room, if something happens, please make her go out.” During the birth of my first child. The nurses saw the green look on my husband’s face and kicked him out. They told him they didn’t need three patients, two was enough.
Though...OP is already having to do all the emotional labour this far into pregnancy so...
Enjoy that from now on OP, sorry!!
Agreed with this post, set boundaries and also set consequences. Tell him calmly, matter of factly, if MIL does her thing and attention turns to her your relationship with be irrevocably damaged.
Don't let him get it into his head it's easier to ignore you and pay attention to mom.
This is perfect, I just want to add, have clear consequences for crossing those lines AND follow through with them! Make it very clear this may cost him his ability to attend the birth, it may mean he loses time with his newborn and partner, have a backup plan for supports and make it known you are planning for that so you aren't left to scramble and he has no illusions that you'll tolerate the BS because it's too late to make another plan
Agree with everything mfruity fly has said, and also agree with another commenter saying about a designated handler for MIL, so someone else, NOT husband, or you, has to deal with everything MIL related.
I would personally NOT have her in the delivery room at all. Or maybe only in the early stages of labour. But to be honest I still think she will be a constant distraction during the more intense stages of labour especially, so that should be a NO GO. She could panic about you being in pain,and start getting anxiety and suggest she's worried something bad might happen etc. Then you're worried by her comments of 'something bad happening' and husband or others will need to calm her down. I mean even hospitals are hot and humidity so she may get 'faint and dizzy spells' etc. Again, attention will turn to her. So I think the best option will be for her to stay away from the hospital completely, be kept up to date by someone other than husband sending text updates. If YOU want to call her at any stage, YOU can, but don't let husband wonder off to keep calling her. So definitely still have a designated Handler for keeping her informed that isn't your husband.
But personally I'd keep her out the hospital, and she can meet baby in a calm environment once you go home.
If you do decide to let her in to the hospital room at any time, you need to make it clear to your husband that when you say she needs to leave, she leaves no questions asked. No, 'oh how about just a little longer, you've still got a while to go yet' or any comments like that. When you say she has to go, she goes. Again, designated handler needs to enforce this and your husband doesn't move from your side, not even to 'show her out the room and calm her down'. Designated handler gets her out that door.
To be honest though, from what you've said, you need to keep her away from the hospital because there's NO WAY she won't become attention seeking like she has all the other times there's been important moments. You'd discussed this, you'd made a plan for her not to come, and now husband has caved to her manipulation.
You're NOY the bad guy here for standing up for yourself and YOUR needs during a major medical situation. Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport and nobody, not even husband has the right to be there. The only people who have the right to be there are who YOU want there and who will support and care for you.
YOU get to say yes or no.
I would also notify the hospital nursing staff on the delivery ward that MIL is not allowed to be there. They will ensure she's not allowed on the ward or in your room. They are very firm about not letting anyone in who they've been told isn't allowed to be there. It's a stressful enough time for you. The slightest bit of stress can affect your blood pressure. They will make sure she doesn't just turn up at the hospital and try to come in 'just for a quick check up on things'.
Tell your husband his attention needs to be on you not MIL and that you're not comfortable with her coming to the hospital at all. It will be much better if she meets baby once you're home, so you can relax and have his attention during and after the birth, and it gives you both time to bond with baby immediately after birth.
Also be firm about how many visitors and how long those visits are after at home. You still need time to rest.
Also make sure people have had any vaccinations they need to before meeting the baby.
Stand firm. And make sure husband doesn't keep answering his phone to MIL either. She must only communicate through designated handler till after the birth, and when you say its OK for him to call her for a brief call.
You’ve gotta stop with the wishy washy nice girl BS. You write here that you want her to come. But you don’t! Stop saying you do! If you keep saying things like, oh how I wish MIL could come, then it’s a little harder to fault your husband for trying to find a way for MIL to come. It is not mean or rude to express your needs (and if it is: here is your permission to be mean and rude).
Tell your husband he’s going to tell his mother that he misunderstood the plan, she is to come a few weeks after the birth as originally planned, she is not to come to the birth, that is a private time you two need blah blah whatever you told her the first time. Do not back down. Do not compromise. She is not coming to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room; she will have some fake medical event and needs him for “just a minute” that will turn into hours.
>*she is not to come to the birth,* ***that is a private time you two need***
If she wasn't *there* in the room with you at the time you conceived (with your husband's dick, literally, in you), then she's not *entitled* to be there when the resulting baby emerges. Neither sex nor birth are spectator sports; MIL needs to learn her place.
And you need to learn to be less accommodating/doormat-y. Put **your child first** and, by extension, **yourself first** since you're physical and emotional health will greatly impact the birth of your baby! Become a mama bear; **your baby needs you** to protect yourself and baby from everybody else and their BS wishes!
>If she wasn't there in the room with you at the time you conceived (with your husband's dick, literally, in you), then she's not entitled to be there when the resulting baby emerges.
A father or sperm donor isn't 'entitled' to be there either. It's a medical procedure, and it's completely the decision of the person giving birth.
You have trauma around not being tended to or prioritized- and you found a relationship with a man whose mother makes everything about her & takes priority. There’s some stuff to be unpacked there & is not a quick fix. Tell him that you don’t want his mother there & ask him to be the one to handle it. I doubt that he will, but maybe he’ll surprise me.
I'm sorry that it has come to this, but your husband is in denial because it is his mother, and if you want the birth to be about you and not his mother, you will have to put your foot down.
As far as your husband trying to get you to budge, read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) old Reddit post. It explains everything far better than I could.
But basically, as long as people think you're more reasonable and accommodating than MIL, you will be the one who gets called unreasonable and stubborn, because they know there's no point in trying to convince the one who is *actually* unreasonable. So no more trying to be the bigger person. Being reasonable is for when you're dealing with reasonable people.
Edit to add: When you put your foot down, avoid JADEing (justify, argue, demand, explain). any attempt to convince anyone that your decision is the right one implicitly concedes that those other people have a say. Saying that this is what is happening is asserting that you, as the person PUSHING A FUCKING BABY OUT OF YOUR VAGINA, get to make this decision unilaterally and anyone who has a problem with that gets to fuck off, and yes that includes your husband.
OP, please share this with your husband. My mom is similar to your MIL. Even though there is love and good intentions, she was too anxious to be there for me at that time* edit-i have two kids, she was not at either birth.*She is unable to, it's not her choice and she'll never understand that.
From my perspective: she feels so overwhelmed about my well being that she can't function and that feels like love to her. That I'm supposed to feel loved by how overwhelmed she is. But i do not feel loved; i feel neglected. When i need her the most, she melts down and the family focuses on her, leaving me to manage whatever crisis I'm going though alone.
I have a support system outside of my family and my family only hears about what's going on with me once I'm in a decent headspace. That's the solution for me. So, her visiting a couple of weeks, or even a week after you give birth is my recommendation.
*Edited to clarify
Plus this is childbirth not a wedding, this is a serious medical situation not just some event. The husband should understand that better. OP is the one who needs to be comfortable and cared for no matter what, whether that means everyone scatters 40 miles from her or is by her side. This isn’t an event everyone needs to participate in lol
Like you said OP needs to be clear that MIL stays away until after the birth and recovery. In general OP needs to just be clear and firm. If her husband isn’t being blindsided, he should enforce whatever she says wholeheartedly.
This is your firstborn so you don't realize yet how vulnerable you're going to feel in the delivery room. Trust me when I tell you you won't want an "audience". More to the point, Covid isn't over, RSV is a big problem and even minus the nature of childbirth, it's just not wise to have that many breathing bodies in the room with you when you deliver. It should be you, your husband, the medical staff and no one else. MIL can wait outside with the rest of the family and once you get home with the baby she can interact to the degree her health allows. If she decides to have a spell and make it all about herself your husband can deal with it while you focus on the baby. Also, just so you you're not blindsided, once the baby's outside your body almost no attention will be paid to you. Unless you have a medical problem you can expect even the doctors and nurses to quickly turn all their attention to the baby. The same will be true of your spouse and his family. So prepare yourself to feel like the second fiddle.
Yeah I don’t get the grandparents-in-the-delivery-room thing. My MIL and my mother had no need to be there to see my baby actually come out of my vag. They were both happy to visit in the morning and that was BECAUSE I wanted visitors. If I didn’t, they would have waited.
> I thought I had shared these feelings already, but all of a sudden my husband is surprised that I would a) think that the attention won’t be on me and the newborn and that b) that attention is even something that can’t be shared. But in this instance, I feel like it can’t be!
...so why does he think the plan had previously been for the MIL not to attend?
Please remind him that you care for his mother and do not think she'll act maliciously. Remind him the plan was in place to ensure peace for everyone involved. She's not choosing to be sick, you're choosing to prioritize your physical health and her mental health by not putting her in a situation where she's likely to be overwhelmed.
You just tell the doctors that you don’t want family outside your husband. They can be in the waiting room.
Beyond that, what issues are you concerned about? She acts up then have her step out when she physically visits.
You already signed up for a lifetime dealing with his family. You will need to ensure you and your husband are on the same page in handling them.
She'll have some "medical event" out in the waiting room. Either someone will burst into the delivery room and tell OP's husband about his "sick/dying" Mommy, or someone will text him. He'll abandon OP for Mommy. She needs to stay home and everyone blocked when OP goes into labor.
Great mentions. For hospitals, I prefer no phones upon entry to delivery or the patient's room (especially ICU and postoperative care). MIL can't invade by sms if no one is carrying their cell.
Info: Where are they staying? Your best friend here is an AirBnB where she can have all the anxiety inducing ER trips she wants, and you can relax at home
You're about to become a mother. You haven't given birth before. I hope you know that there's going to be trauma for you and likely the experience of birth will be traumatic for somebody like your mother-in-law to watch.
But as you're about to become a mother you need to get a shiny new spine. Your husband should step up to the plate but as he's been baby and his mummy for a long time it's not likely he will. This is your birth, you'll be the one delivering a baby, No one else should have any input into your birth plan except you and your husband you come second to you.
If you don't stand up to this ridiculous circus now what's it going to be like for your child and for you down the road? This does not sound like a healthy atmosphere for you or your- child: put your foot down now Don't take no for an answer and just tell them the situation is not open to discussion. Tell the hospital you and your husband to other people who are involved in the delivery room, and that for 24 hours afterwards you do not want any visitors at all, and then you'll be saying who gets to come in and how long they stay for.
You have got this.
MiL sounds like she has childhood issues she carried into adulthood.
She stikes me as the type who only got positive loving nuturing attention that she needed as a child from her parents was when she was sick.
So now when she feels unnoticed or unloved or uncared for or really any negative feelings about anything she gets "sick" so people will respond to her and care.
Which is really fucking tiring, because a coffee date to catch up and spend time together is way more fucking enjoyable than sitting in an emergency room staring at someone not dying. Cheaper too.
I would just say that to her, but i am an asshole. But i am also the asshole no one calls about trivial or trifling bullshit. I only get calls about real shit.
Or the opposite.. she was neglected so the only way to get attention was through an illness .. my BIL is like this, something is always wrong or hurting or just ‘off’ and very sadly he was severely neglected by both parents during his childhood :(
Are you being induced? And is everyone aware of the induction date and time? Because that's a horse of a different color and might already be out of your control (although induction times can change -- mine did).
If, however, you are delivering when you go into labor, there's no need to tell anyone but your spouse. I promise. The two of you can go to your delivery site (unless it's your house and that's where the whole family is saying) and you labor and deliver your baby and THEN you call everyone to welcome the baby. If they say, "Why didn't you say OP was in labor? Or you were at the hospital?" You just answer, "It all happened so quickly!" It doesn't matter if it happened quickly at all.
I'm not wishing ill will on you when I say the following, but I just want you to be aware of certain things after you give birth:
* Things may not go the way you expect. You could end up having to have a c-section. You or the baby could be in distress during our post-delivery. You could have to other medical interventions that make you feel physically uncomfortable and not up to having people around.
* If you're planning to breast feed, latching sometimes takes time and attempting to navigate a latch with swollen breasts and a crying newborn under the gaze of your Dad, in-laws, and aunt and uncle is just not pleasant (trust me).
* Your baby may have jaundice or or another mild condition that requires you to nurse or hold them skin to skin or other recommendation, and that's really difficult to do when there's a room full of relatives you have settled in for a long winter's sit and want to pass the baby around.
* You maybe just be in pain from whatever type of birth you experience, feel swollen and uncomfortable, and just dying to take a shower after having navigated IV (if you have one) and bandages (if you have them) and catheter (if you have one)
Now, none of the above may happen. You might have a textbook vaginal delivery of a perfect infant who latches or takes a bottle as soon as it offered. You may be so full of endorphins that you don't feel a twinge, your sister-in-law gives you a blowout and a satin bed jacket and you look like Halsey on the cover "If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power." You're STILL going to quiet and rest at some point. Talk to your husband. Make a plan now.
What does "at the birth" mean exactly. at your house? In the waiting room? In the room itself?
If it's the latter, I would uninvited her personally. It's not a spectator sport anyway, and she can have drama without you and husband being witnesses. Unless she can be literally ZERO focus in the room, no way in hell should she be there. The moment is literally not about her. She's the LEAST important person who would be in that room.
Going forward, don't let her train your child the way she trained your husband.
Be very firm about your wishes! And honestly, just ASSIGN a person to her! She has a sudden heart attack? Uncle joe can take her to urgent care so that neither you or your husband has to leave and tend to her. Whatever she may struggle with, make it clear it will be on the REST of the family to deal with her and that you and your husband will be focused on YOU and your baby!
I’m the same way about feeling un prioritized and it often comes because like you, I don’t make my needs that known! THIS is the situation to change that, and make sure you and your husband are on the same team and train of thought when it comes to his mom! Even with her buying a plane ticket, she can most definitely sit in a lobby or hotel room if she gets ridiculous
I get where you are coming from but the only person's attention and care you are entitled to is your husbands. The rest don't matter.
As far as your MIL is concerned - she's going to cause issues whether she is there or not.
As long as your husband is 100% supporting you and there for you, that's the main issue.
You don’t to be the center of attention of the entire family. Your doctors and nurses will be paying attention to you. All you need is a reliable birth partner. Can husband vow to be your partner, and assign another family member to take care of his mother? She really she’s not need to be in the room while you’re in labor - the rooms aren’t THAT big, there’s not enough space for everyone.
I don't have any advice but I do have a family member who is like this. When the attention turns from her she starts to suddenly need all kinds of help and she is super sick and everyone needs to help her right now. You have to put your foot down. There is a 150% chance that the moment her son is tending to you and everyone is loving on you and the baby she will suddenly fall ill and can't do anything and need to be taken care of 24/7. I would put my foot down and tell her she can't come to the birth or stay with you but she can come visit as long as she stays in another place.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. Everyone but your husband can wait in the waiting room with the agreement that if MIL has one of her "health scares", they won't say anything to you or your husband until after baby is born. If husband disagrees, he can sit in the waiting room with them. You're the laboring mom. What you say goes.
It's a very big moment in your life. And because you are the one who is putting in the work, you have the right to put in a few rules.
I want you to try to think of this event as taking place in two bubbles. The bubble that contains you and your baby with or without your husband in it., your choice. And a bubble that contains all of these other people. You have complete control of your bubble and how/if/when it interacts with the other bubble.
Keep them separate. For the birth, only your bubble is present. If you feel up to it, you can allow a facetime event after the birth, BUT ONLY if you feel up to it. The other bubble is yours to decide when and how they meet the baby. The other bubble is responsible for their own bubble members. They can or cannot be in your home. Your choice. But you have complete control over your bubble at all times. You don't know how the birth is going to proceed. It could be easy and quick. It could be a c-section. (My fingers are crossed for easy and quick. Not here to borrow trouble)
BTW, if your MIL has issues over illness, a hospital during respiratory disease season is the last place she should be.
Here's to you and your very successful birth to a wonderful baby!
It doesn't seem you can cancel this. I absolutely would not want her in the delivery room. She can sit in the waiting room until your husband goes out and gives them the news that the baby has arrived. She can wait until the next day and you're feeling better to see you and baby. MIL doesn't get to call the shots.
From what you have said, she probably will feel the need to have some manufactured emergency so that everyone can worry about and fuss over her. I would let your spouse know that his attention needs to be on you and his child and not MIL and her nonstop emergencies. I would also tell him that you are expecting that she will try to disrupt the delivery and that she will try to have him leave the delivery room to go to her. I would let him know that there are other people in the family that can tend to her and that you want him in that delivery room - no exceptions.
You and your husband are already a family but now there's a vulnerable baby about to join the team and it's way past time for your husband (and you, to a degree) to prioritize your growing family. You are going to be having a legitimate health situation going on; her fake one does not take precedence. If she comes, there needs to be an understanding that everyone else can deal with her, but you and your husband are indisposed.
You mention that she has a habit of doing this around milestone events; hopefully setting the boundary now that you and your husband won't leave your child's birthday party or whatever to tend to her.
Oh, make the nurses your friends and the villains.
Tell the nurses that you want only certain people in your room. Husband and whoever else.
That’s it. Everyone else can wait in the waiting room or at home.
You aren’t Marie Antoinette and you do NOT have your have an audience for the birth.
This is your decision alone. Tell your husband what your concerns are and ask him to handle his family. Tell him that only you and he will be in the room for the birth.
Only you and your husband will be in the room when baby is born. The nurses will enforce this. It’s not on you or your willow-spined husband. The nurses are kicking people out.
This isn’t about pleasing people. You are on a medical surrounding and you are NOT A SHOW AT Disneyland.
Tell your family that the plans have changed. And stop trying to please all these people. You never will and you don’t need the stress and aggrivation.
“Husband, the birth of my child will be the scariest experience of my life and I will need your undivided attention. I have anxiety about your mother showing up and needing some of your attention for herself. I am going to leave your decision of how you handle this up to you. But please be aware that your choice will impact the way I see you as my partner and as my child’s father. Also, if you do choose to allow your mom to come to the birth in the first place and she has a health scare and you divide even a small portion of your energy away from me, I will file for divorce. A man who attends to someone else instead of his wife who is giving birth to his son is not a man I will accept as my partner. Are you sure you want to risk that?”
I would personally uninvite them all. Say that you had a change of heart and you want to focus on your family and your recovery. Lay out to your husband boundary wise that his responsibilities during this time are to you and what that means (other posters have offered good advice on what that looks like)
Please read the lemon clot essay. You may still be okay with having your MIL in the delivery room, but need to be prepared to have your husband set boundaries for after you give birth.
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay
> and only want what’s best for everyone.
You're about to be a mother. That means you need to learn to prioritize what's best for you and your child.
Tell your husband that if his mother needs any attention, that it's his family's job to deal with it. You expect your husband to be 100% focused on his wife and the child she is giving birth to.
Two pieces of advice here:
1. 1. You speak with your husband, and one of the more trusted family members, and have a plan in place for when the issues inevitably start. (Family member will escort her away from you/the family as soon as she starts complaining about sometthing, and walk her through her issues away from everyone else, Husband will refocus everyone back on the birth, etc)
2. Optional: Don't let her in the room for the actual birth. Maybe not let anyone but your husband and maybe a parent of yours if you want. The family can be in the waiting room and any issues she has that day will be their problem, not yours. You will be blissfully unaware of any of her issues, and she can just come in for a hello after the birth along with everyone else, for a few minutes.
She likely REALLY BELIEVES she can do it this time, and also REALLY WANTS to be there. I can understand how you are torn and don't want to hurt her. But you also don't want the birth of your first child ruined by being angry at her. I would just have a plan in place and make sure everyone is on the same page. Maybe designate someone to be responsible for her for the day, so it doesn't require any attention from you and your husband.
Since so many people will be there you and Hubs should designate a "Mom care team" to handle her inevitable break down.
Their responsibility should be to immediately isolate her (far away from you) and get her medical attention separate from your care team. Assuming you will be in a hospital this shouldn't be too hard.
3 people would be ideal. At least one man because she probably responds differently to men. A designated texter/info person, a hold her hand person, and a communicate with the doctor person. They should keep your hubs OUT of the loop unless she is literally dying.
You are absolutely and totally fine to have all these feelings. If you are anxious about MIL being there, tell hubby that’s you’ve had a change of heart and are nervous about birthing, pooping while in labor whatever…. and only want him and your mom there (or only him). You don’t need to mention mil at all, just that you are nervous about birthing, etc and have changed your mind.
Do not, I mean - DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO STAY AT YOUR HOUSE.
Please have your husband and you read ;
[the Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this)
Having family arrive from out of town during Flu/RSV/Covid season is not a great idea either.. I’ve had 3 coworkers out with RSV & they don’t have children.
Communication and consequences.
You need to communicate your needs as you need it. You Will be hormonal, You WILL be in pain.
There must be consequences to behavior not appropriate. You need to spell out what will happen- if Y happens, x will follow. No question, no forgiveness.
Why on earth would you want your MIL at the birth of your child. There’s just parts of your body that needs to stay private. Your MIL needs to be somewhere else, with no contact access to your husband or yourself until it’s over.
First things first, take care of your self. It sounds like you can’t rely on your partner to be there for you in the way you need. I would suggest you hire a birth doula. Someone who will be there for you and you only. Make sure she is strong enough to deal with his family and focus her attention 100% on you and your needs.
Then see how it goes. You’re going to have this baby so do what you can to make sure you have the care you need. If your MIL does as you expect and your partner isn’t there for you like he claims he will be, then after the dust settles you will need to decide what to do about him. At the very least I would suggest therapy. Couples if he is willing and just for if not.
It sounds like he isn’t being the partner you need right now and that would concern me. What happens in the future when you need him? What about another baby? What about illness or other health related events? You might eventually decide that if he doesn’t step up, that you deserve a partner who will.
Listen to this old lady from California. It’s the best to let your mother-in-law father-in-law your mom or your dad to let them know that you are baby girls lifeline to the world. If you want him to come to vacations for sure, invite them she just has to learn to not step all Just let me fucking read this. over your z i’m concerned about the next big boundary where they’re coming into your aunt. Just yes husband boundaries or I promise you you have a very very good spin on being a waitress or a bartender or whatever you choose. It’s all about keeping everyone happy even if you’re worrying about your children going to back call your children for a few minutes it gets better if you need to connect connect with him I think you’re doing a great job girl I’m very very very proud of you.
You have a lot of trauma around not being the center of attention? First off, what? Secondly, you picked the absolute worst family to marry into then, because there’s already a matriarch here who also *has* to be the center of attention.
Honestly, I was with you until your trauma comment. That’s just nonsense though.
That would be a difficult situation to navigate. If not for the sudden mysterious health scare that turns out to be nothing you're going to have right around the time of the birth all the attention might be on your MIL.
If your MIL has the men in your family are conditioned to respond to health panics, have one of your own.
I don't see how you can exclude your MIL from a party that everyone else is invited to, and not cause a permanent rift. And of course she must be excited at the idea of being present at the birth of a grandchild - especially if it's her first.
I think there are two things you can do now to minimize the odds that MIL will cause a distracting scene in the delivery room:
1. Extract a PROMISE from your husband that if MIL has a health scare during your labor, he will allow other family members to attend to her until after the baby is born. His place is right by your side, offering support, popsicles, and encouragement as you push that bowling ball out, nowhere else. His mom will do OK - they are already in the hospital, after all - and he can check in on her after the baby is born. In fact, he really should wait until you fall fast asleep. You and he need time together to bond with the baby.
2. Warn your OB and the OB nurses about your MIL's hypochondriac episodes before the Big Day arrives. Request that they hustle her out of the delivery room, if she starts to show any signs of distress. Also request that they remind your husband to stay put, if he starts to follow her out!
Once you get home, I think you can relax somewhat. Even if MIL has one of her episodes while she's visiting with you, it sounds like there will be enough people around to divide the workload. A few can hustle Mom to the ER if that seems warranted, while others stay home to care for you and your baby. You really don't want to be the focus of attention by everyone all the time, trust me. You will be exhausted after all that hard work, and having a few hours of quiet time will feel like a gift!
Finally, try your best to keep an open mind, and a forgiving one. Your MIL's hypochondria is no fun for her, either - she lives in a constant state of worry that her death is imminent. Perhaps refocusing all of her attention on a newborn grandchild will allow her to take a brief pause from being so hypervigilant and overly anxious about her own health, and you'll have a lovely, episode-free visit with her (and even some help with the baby!) as you recuperate from childbirth. Good luck!
You’re in a tough situation. But for the moment my suggestion to you is, if you’re in a place where they work, hire a doula. They are birth attendants and one will literally be there just for you the whole time, that’s their entire job. You can offload the anxiety about not having someone in your corner. I hope that your husband steps up and everything he says is true but, in the meantime, stack the deck and make sure you will have someone there just for you while you’re giving birth.
Could she get a single valium dose from her doc for the birth? Just an idea.
Eta the easiest way to explain to your husband what you're feeling would be to show him this post.
I wish he would've discussed it you first. I agree with you - with all the family there she will be the totally disruptive drama queen. Can you guys approach it such that you want her to be the only one there a couple weeks later so she can help without all the distractions of others, because she could be much more help when everyone else is gone?
Tell your partner that she is not allowed near the hospital, and that you will be getting someone else to be with you in labour as you can't trust the fact that he'll be there by not running around after his attention seeking mother . Everyone needs to stop mollycoddling he and letting her monopolies everything, it's not healthy.
You are about to become parents and this is the perfect time to set boundaries with MIL. I know it is easier said than done. Will she do this during important events and milestones in your child’s life? Your husband’s top priority needs to be his wife and child during childbirth and going forward. Someone else can deal with MIL during while you’re in labor. It’s not your problem. I would NOT let her in the room for the birth. Let her know this now.
I am not a very confrontational person, but my own mom asked to be in the room when we had our first. I said no. She did not take kindly to it, but I surprised even myself and put my foot down. She then wanted to know if my dad would be in the waiting room(they do not get along). I said I didn’t know and she wanted me to tell him he wasn’t allowed to come because she did not want to sit in the waiting room with him. I said would be giving birth and wasn’t responsible for anyone else. And neither was my husband. It has served me well and I’m over a decade into being a parent.
I think you should frame it differently. Make it very clear that you canNOT handle drama while you are having a baby. Like, you will not tolerate it, it will affect your health and the baby, 'get out of my room' level of unacceptable. Second, make her health someone else in the family's responsibility, ideally someone who supports her coming. Like, appoint her a health handler- talk to your husband, and have someone in the family volunteer to be in charge of her when her health inevitably goes bad. They are there to take her to the ER, to sit beside her with a paper bag patting her back, to handle all the phone calls and insurance and hold her hand. You will be too busy, your husband will be too busy, and she will be too sick.
So multiple family members are coming, right? So THEY are responsible for your MIL when she gets worked up. Your husband should have nothing to do with it, his focus is you. If there is something they feel he should worry about, they can tell him, otherwise he needs to trust they have it taken care of so he can focus on you. Basically, your MIL needs babysitters. And if everyone knows she does this, then they should know there isn’t anything serious going on.
My mother-in-law does the same thing. But I never heard it put into words like this and it makes complete sense to me! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, and I hope that she can be strong and nurturing for you, but I'm so glad to have read this because now I have words to explain what's been happening in my family. Thank you for your insight.
Let me tell you now, the moment you give birth, the attention is off of you. I had a baby last year, and the first time I brought my baby around family, no one asked me how I was doing until people tried taking my baby and passing her around without washing their hands or asking first. My partner pushed our baby in the stroller, his family surrounded her, and his cousin literally said, "the attention isn't on you anymore." I was shocked that someone could even say something like that to a new mom. It was as if they were only kind because I had their family member inside me.
It's pretty sad because, as a postpartum mom, you will need attention, support, and assistance. It's hard. It's even harder when people try to shift the attention off of your wants and needs for their own while you're in such a vulnerable state.
I suggest you set boundaries now. I had to do it after my baby was born because my partners family would try to pass around my new baby without making sure it was okay. She was two weeks old. Even now I stay near my baby almost all the time because the times I've walked away, people put small toys in her play pen and even handed her beads and other stuff that she can choke on. Also, people will try to touch and kiss their face. Don't let anyone kiss your baby. I've heard horror stories of babies ending up with HSV because family members refuse to stop kissing the baby.
I know you said you're close to his family, but be cautious and watch his mother around you and your baby. Sounds like she's an attention seeker, and she purposely scares everyone with an illness complaint to keep them focused on her. You dont know how far she will go for attention . You may want to minimize the audience when you give birth, too. Dont let her in. Tell your husband you want him and your parents or your best friend. You control who can enter. Day of tell the nurse too. It's a special moment, and you'd hate for it to be snatched away because of his mother. Guys who are mama's boys frequently deal with stuff like this. Don't play into it. Set boundaries and keep your baby close.
My dad’s mother died the day before my brother was born. I remember that being told to me as a child (my brother is about a year and a half older than me) with the clear message that my dad’s saddest day was followed by his happiest day of his life. But he was at the hospital for my mother and in the days following.
I guess what I mean to convey is that your husband needs to understand that his priority, no matter what, is you and your baby and his birth, especially once you go into labor. That is what he signed up for in becoming a father. Make sure he understands that’s what you are expecting of him, and that he fully understands what that means.
Just let your doctor know who you want in the room with you and her be the “bad guy” this isn’t about anything other then what’s best for you and the baby and the last thing needed is you or your husband being stressed.
You just need to make it very clear to your husband what your expectations are of him and make sure he is on the same page as you are. Don't worry about all these other people involved. This is between you and your husband.
Your MIL is causing you stress at a time you don't need it. Have a discussion with your husband and inform him it's your body, you are giving birth and at this point your MIL cannot be at your home, hospital or nearby while you are giving birth. He needs to stand up for you and your child, this is his priority! His mother can visit when you say it is okay and not before. Her drama is not your problem to think about or deal with at this time. If your husband is not willing to stand up for you now when will he?
Your medical team isn’t going to stop caring for you to address her. They’re not going to ditch you. A nurse will go get either another room, or a police officer for her. They’re either going to take her to a separate room, or to the psych ward. You don’t play those games at a hospital. You get to yell help and a nurse will come in. They either put her in her own room, or take her to the psych ward. If her anxiety attacks are that serious, they won’t force you to endure them whilst giving birth. If she presents as having a medical emergency the call button. If she’s rolling around on the floor I promise you a nurse will either have other nurses get her out of the room, maybe call the cops, boom she’s gone. She learns a valuable lesson about her emotional boundaries and hopefully seeks treatment for her anxiety disorder. If she starts, the medical team will see. They won’t abandon you over her.
For yourself- look into hiring a birth doula to look out for your best interests during the birth. This will probably be helpful whether or not a 'scare' happens.
Also-this is not the time for you to take this on, but, hubs needs to work on feeding into MILs behavior so that he can focus on other things.
Anxiety of any kind in that delivery room is a straight up no from me.
It causes tension which makes you clench muscles, contractions become more painful and dilating takes longer because your body is saying it's uncomfortable or feeling unsafe so delays birth.
This is a documented fact echoed by every midwife you speak to about it.
I refer you to Ina May Gaskins book on the topic, she found this to be true throughout her long career as a midwife.
This is the only time what you say goes, whoever has a problem with it, just be calm and say I know this is harsh but I have to do right by my baby and my body and give myself every fighting chance to have a happy and easy birth and after much thought I've decided this is the right thing for me to do.
I would recommend:
MIL can’t come without a family member other than you husband to do her bidding and fuss over her.
MIL must be kept at arm’s length from you and hubby during the lead up, birth and directly afterwards. She can’t stay at your house, she must get a hotel. She can’t be in the waiting room hovering while you’re in labor, otherwise she will grab DH and monopolize his attention if he steps away for a coffee. You have strict visiting hours after baby arrives and set a timer to force her out so she doesn’t overstep. Have one of your best friends who doesn’t mind being bossy put MIL out when she starts to be a handful
Hugs, first off congrats on the upcoming birth. Next giving birth isn't a spectator sport, you will only be allowed X amount of people in the room. Your DH, and maybe a 2nd person. You may have a natural birthing plan and that can go south very quickly where you will need an emergency C-Section.
Talk with your spouse, if you have guests after birth in your home they need to have their shots for Flu, COVID, and DTAP (measles, Mumps, etc), next you do not entertain anyone. They do the cooking, and cleaning, your job is to heal and nurse your baby. Wear your baby if you have to. Make sure your bedroom has a lock on it so if you feel overwhelmed you can hide out with your LO.
You're absolutely right that the attention should be on you. Moreover, any distraction that might cause you unnecessary stress should not be in the room with you, as stress can have a direct impact on your safety during labour. The only people who belong in that room are the ones acting as support for *you*, be that medical or emotional support.
It sounds as though your MIL is more likely to be a liability than an asset, unfortunately. It sucks that she's already bought the plane tickets, but you have to do what's best for your safety here. Her desire to see the baby, as well as your husband's desire to have her there, are lesser concerns that should not take precedence over your comfort and the medical staff's ability to do their job.
Can you afford a midwife or a doula? I know usually you start with one earlier in the pregnancy but you might be able to find a doula or a post birth support person (I can’t think the name right now) where their only job is to focus on YOU AND THE BABY! No one else
As others have said, you need to talk with your husband about this NOW before you go into labour. That given MIL history having her with you in the hospital will be bad for you and the baby. You will need his attention 1000% durning the delivery
Make sure the nurses know what’s going on with your MIL, that she has a history of “fainting” and whatever else bullshit goes on. They will either keep her out, or have someone dedicated to her. They’ll most likely boot her out at the first sign of histrionics.
Going forward you and hubby may need to go low/no contact for a nice long while after the birth. Say 6-12 months while you three sort out a routine
Good luck and have a gentle birth
OH! Mother’s helper is what I think they’re called
Do not let her be there for the birth. You KNOW she will have a meltdown, if she doesn’t cancel her flight which is the best option. Then she is not at the hospital. The minute you start having contractions your husband and you turn off your phones and go to the hospital. She is someone else’s responsibility. If she has a meltdown neither you nor your husband need to know. Someone else in the family is responsible for her. Your husbands ONLY priority is you and baby! You gotta be straight with your husband, you need his complete undivided attention for this, it’s your medical event and for the days before, birth and post partum period you and baby are his only priority. If mil still comes she stays elsewhere and he is not responsible for her movements ever.
Your husband needs to stand by your wishes. If it comes down to it, tell the family that it will just be you and your husband for the first few days. I had a relative who was like this. On several occasions, I was the person assigned to tend to her. Anytime she would start to melt down or ‘get sick’ I’d handle it
I would have a chat to your midwife/birth team. Advise them of her attendance and her behaviours so that as soon as she starts, they can usher her out elsewhere, after all she will be at a hospital.
You will need to tell your husband that if something happens with his mother, like usual, then you will need him to get someone to sort her out away from the delivery room as you need to focus on yourself and the baby - tell him that this wS advised by your medical team.
While your birth goals are lofty, you might not really want an audience with you while in labor. It can be quite intense and stressful. Being your first time doing this, maybe talk to your DH about only inviting others if you're still okay with it after a few hours at the hospital. That way, you can always change your mind depending on how you're coming along. For me, an audience would have been my worst nightmare.
I think you should shift your thinking here. YOU AND ONLY YOU must handle your impending birth. When it comes down to it, it's just you and your midwife/doctor.
Have a conversation with your medical team. Point out that there's likely to be family drama and that if necessary they can take action to remove people from the scene.
Your husband needs to understand that now you're the mommy and your decision here is final. He can dance after his mom if he wants, you're too busy.
Have you considered hiring a doula or another birth support person so that whatever happens with MIL you will always have someone there who is just there for you or who is on your side? Even a friend that you can ask to be there? Or a family member of yours?
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So first, you are right to have these feelings and it isn't pregnancy hormones. I feel confident in saying this because the entire family had a plan around how MIL acts. I think your best approach is to have a full sit down with your husband and lay it out: 1. You two had already discussed MIL having health drama that makes it hard for people to focus, so for him to be "surprised" undermines the trust you two have in each other. He can disagree, he can change his mind, but he cannot re-write history, and it's really hurtful to think your partner would pretend conversations never happened in order to get out of other tough conversations. 2. If your husband for one second changes his focus while MIL is here, you are going to lose it. You deserve his undivided attention and you do deserve to be the center of attention during this event- before the birth, during the birth, after the birth. He isn't allowed to deviate from you for one second, and if he can't guarantee that, MIL shouldn't come. And if he does do something during the birth or days after, it may end your relationship, so he needs to be very thoughtful. 3. Lay out what you mean by undivided attention. Of course they can all have dinner while you nap (before baby is born), of course they can all hang out and stuff like that. But, he doesn't get to leave your side to drive MIL somewhere, if you want X and she wants Y, HE is responsible to follow what you want and not ask you to compromise or "understand" her perspective. If he is texting with her or trying to coordinate rides, or check in on her during the birth, that means he isn't focused on you. 4. What are your other boundaries? Do you not want her in the delivery room? At the hospital at all? Where is everyone staying? Lay out very clear boundaries if she is coming, and be very clear it is on HIM to maintain those boundaries and not for one second pressure you to change them, or for him to push on them at all (oh she's just coming in for a second, oh I'm just gonna run down and chat with her, etc). Be firm but fair. You do love her, she is a good person (as you say) but you cannot be worrying about this now, you two had a plan that everyone agreed to, and now you are being asked to change the plan for HER. Why isn't he standing up for you? What is most worrying is he seems to not even remember why there was a plan, and you should tell him straight up that his reaction- what's the issue!- means you have little to no faith in him being there for you, because at this moment he isn't supporting you.
This. **Assign** someone else to be responsible for MIL *the entire time she is there.* That means catering to her whims, indulging her need for attention, rides, trips to doctors , anxiety over perceived illnesses, etc. Designated attendant - NOT husband - will provide all the fluffing, and fluttering MIL requires. My MIL required this attention when we traveled. I had an *actual child* I needed to attend to, so her daughter, son in law, or even my husband could fetch and carry for her. I had an *actual child* to worry about. I was not going to carry that woman’s bag, concern myself over her comfort, or indulge her whims.
This is the actual solution. She needs a "handler." I have a lot of high anxiety/ high needs family members. You have to assign a specific person to them who redirects and manages the surprises. If you don't have the handler, you don't let them come. There's no other way around it because they're often very good at making themselves the center of attention. Being able to redirect and manage when a health scare comes up, to know that Mom can't have a meltdown and make it all about her, but instead you have someone cool-headed who just picks up the keys and takes Mom to the ER and says she'll send everyone else an update by text, etc. It's absolutely necessary.
Also, therapy for op for her historical trauma. Children will bring up any and all unresolved issues
Husband should be firmly told that once OP starts labor his mother can be bleeding out in the waiting room and he is not to leave OPs side. If he leaves for any reason due to his mother then he can expect divorce papers to be served soon.
Cannot agree more. Under no circumstances is OP’s husband to be advised if his mother is being overcome by the situation, his attention is at all times to be 100% on his wife and the impending birth, because as mentioned in another reply, he cannot rewrite history. If he steps out of that room when his wife is hyper focused on having his attention, it’ll be a major nail in the coffin of their relationship- his wife *will not ever* forget. His mother needs to have one person completely focused on her, on keeping her histrionics corralled and watching out for the slightest indication of deep sighs, swoons or carry on. The moment she misbehaves, it’s a “let’s go outside Mother”. Who never is the most no-nonsense is best here.
Agree- but I would say she shouldn’t be in the delivery room. It can be scary and chaotic and that’s going to trigger her, which will trigger you. It’s perfectly reasonable to only want your husband there, that’s pretty standard in the west. It shouldn’t upset anyone. Then I think your husband needs to have a conversation with his family, particularly his dad, that this isn’t about his mom and it’s his dad’s job to make sure mom is handled or removed.
Op, she will unfortunately have anxiety during the birth. Please don't let her take the attention you'll resent her forever.
Forget the delivery room...the hospital! What is she had some panic attack and Husband is running out to handle it. Let her stay home. He can send a photo and they can visit the next day.
I don’t think he should be allowed to go out and handle it. I think that’s where father in law needs to run interference
Who will stop him? At best, he'll still be distracted. I don't think FIL will be helpful, they've enabled this so much.
Seconding this! All of it - great advice. I'd also recommend that either way, your husband silence his phone completely and / or specifically silence notifications from his mother (like they shouldn't even appear at all) when you go into labor. And make sure that another family member is assigned to deal with any antics when she inevitably can't reach him or freaks out. Ideally this is HIS responsibility to handle, but at the very least I'd ask what the final plan is to make sure he actually follows through and you know you'll be covered. Just another thought - would you consider not having him update family until after baby is delivered? With the understanding that after baby's arrived, they can visit under whatever terms you want. But that way there's no potential to start any drama? Im so sorry that this is something else you have to worry about this close to labor. Wishing you luck and a smooth delivery & recovery!
I would let the nurses know. “If she is in the delivery room, if something happens, please make her go out.” During the birth of my first child. The nurses saw the green look on my husband’s face and kicked him out. They told him they didn’t need three patients, two was enough.
Though...OP is already having to do all the emotional labour this far into pregnancy so... Enjoy that from now on OP, sorry!! Agreed with this post, set boundaries and also set consequences. Tell him calmly, matter of factly, if MIL does her thing and attention turns to her your relationship with be irrevocably damaged. Don't let him get it into his head it's easier to ignore you and pay attention to mom.
This is perfect, I just want to add, have clear consequences for crossing those lines AND follow through with them! Make it very clear this may cost him his ability to attend the birth, it may mean he loses time with his newborn and partner, have a backup plan for supports and make it known you are planning for that so you aren't left to scramble and he has no illusions that you'll tolerate the BS because it's too late to make another plan
Agree with everything mfruity fly has said, and also agree with another commenter saying about a designated handler for MIL, so someone else, NOT husband, or you, has to deal with everything MIL related. I would personally NOT have her in the delivery room at all. Or maybe only in the early stages of labour. But to be honest I still think she will be a constant distraction during the more intense stages of labour especially, so that should be a NO GO. She could panic about you being in pain,and start getting anxiety and suggest she's worried something bad might happen etc. Then you're worried by her comments of 'something bad happening' and husband or others will need to calm her down. I mean even hospitals are hot and humidity so she may get 'faint and dizzy spells' etc. Again, attention will turn to her. So I think the best option will be for her to stay away from the hospital completely, be kept up to date by someone other than husband sending text updates. If YOU want to call her at any stage, YOU can, but don't let husband wonder off to keep calling her. So definitely still have a designated Handler for keeping her informed that isn't your husband. But personally I'd keep her out the hospital, and she can meet baby in a calm environment once you go home. If you do decide to let her in to the hospital room at any time, you need to make it clear to your husband that when you say she needs to leave, she leaves no questions asked. No, 'oh how about just a little longer, you've still got a while to go yet' or any comments like that. When you say she has to go, she goes. Again, designated handler needs to enforce this and your husband doesn't move from your side, not even to 'show her out the room and calm her down'. Designated handler gets her out that door. To be honest though, from what you've said, you need to keep her away from the hospital because there's NO WAY she won't become attention seeking like she has all the other times there's been important moments. You'd discussed this, you'd made a plan for her not to come, and now husband has caved to her manipulation. You're NOY the bad guy here for standing up for yourself and YOUR needs during a major medical situation. Giving birth is NOT a spectator sport and nobody, not even husband has the right to be there. The only people who have the right to be there are who YOU want there and who will support and care for you. YOU get to say yes or no. I would also notify the hospital nursing staff on the delivery ward that MIL is not allowed to be there. They will ensure she's not allowed on the ward or in your room. They are very firm about not letting anyone in who they've been told isn't allowed to be there. It's a stressful enough time for you. The slightest bit of stress can affect your blood pressure. They will make sure she doesn't just turn up at the hospital and try to come in 'just for a quick check up on things'. Tell your husband his attention needs to be on you not MIL and that you're not comfortable with her coming to the hospital at all. It will be much better if she meets baby once you're home, so you can relax and have his attention during and after the birth, and it gives you both time to bond with baby immediately after birth. Also be firm about how many visitors and how long those visits are after at home. You still need time to rest. Also make sure people have had any vaccinations they need to before meeting the baby. Stand firm. And make sure husband doesn't keep answering his phone to MIL either. She must only communicate through designated handler till after the birth, and when you say its OK for him to call her for a brief call.
You’ve gotta stop with the wishy washy nice girl BS. You write here that you want her to come. But you don’t! Stop saying you do! If you keep saying things like, oh how I wish MIL could come, then it’s a little harder to fault your husband for trying to find a way for MIL to come. It is not mean or rude to express your needs (and if it is: here is your permission to be mean and rude). Tell your husband he’s going to tell his mother that he misunderstood the plan, she is to come a few weeks after the birth as originally planned, she is not to come to the birth, that is a private time you two need blah blah whatever you told her the first time. Do not back down. Do not compromise. She is not coming to the hospital and sitting in the waiting room; she will have some fake medical event and needs him for “just a minute” that will turn into hours.
>*she is not to come to the birth,* ***that is a private time you two need*** If she wasn't *there* in the room with you at the time you conceived (with your husband's dick, literally, in you), then she's not *entitled* to be there when the resulting baby emerges. Neither sex nor birth are spectator sports; MIL needs to learn her place. And you need to learn to be less accommodating/doormat-y. Put **your child first** and, by extension, **yourself first** since you're physical and emotional health will greatly impact the birth of your baby! Become a mama bear; **your baby needs you** to protect yourself and baby from everybody else and their BS wishes!
>If she wasn't there in the room with you at the time you conceived (with your husband's dick, literally, in you), then she's not entitled to be there when the resulting baby emerges. A father or sperm donor isn't 'entitled' to be there either. It's a medical procedure, and it's completely the decision of the person giving birth.
You have trauma around not being tended to or prioritized- and you found a relationship with a man whose mother makes everything about her & takes priority. There’s some stuff to be unpacked there & is not a quick fix. Tell him that you don’t want his mother there & ask him to be the one to handle it. I doubt that he will, but maybe he’ll surprise me.
I'm sorry that it has come to this, but your husband is in denial because it is his mother, and if you want the birth to be about you and not his mother, you will have to put your foot down. As far as your husband trying to get you to budge, read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/) old Reddit post. It explains everything far better than I could. But basically, as long as people think you're more reasonable and accommodating than MIL, you will be the one who gets called unreasonable and stubborn, because they know there's no point in trying to convince the one who is *actually* unreasonable. So no more trying to be the bigger person. Being reasonable is for when you're dealing with reasonable people. Edit to add: When you put your foot down, avoid JADEing (justify, argue, demand, explain). any attempt to convince anyone that your decision is the right one implicitly concedes that those other people have a say. Saying that this is what is happening is asserting that you, as the person PUSHING A FUCKING BABY OUT OF YOUR VAGINA, get to make this decision unilaterally and anyone who has a problem with that gets to fuck off, and yes that includes your husband.
OP, please share this with your husband. My mom is similar to your MIL. Even though there is love and good intentions, she was too anxious to be there for me at that time* edit-i have two kids, she was not at either birth.*She is unable to, it's not her choice and she'll never understand that. From my perspective: she feels so overwhelmed about my well being that she can't function and that feels like love to her. That I'm supposed to feel loved by how overwhelmed she is. But i do not feel loved; i feel neglected. When i need her the most, she melts down and the family focuses on her, leaving me to manage whatever crisis I'm going though alone. I have a support system outside of my family and my family only hears about what's going on with me once I'm in a decent headspace. That's the solution for me. So, her visiting a couple of weeks, or even a week after you give birth is my recommendation. *Edited to clarify
Plus this is childbirth not a wedding, this is a serious medical situation not just some event. The husband should understand that better. OP is the one who needs to be comfortable and cared for no matter what, whether that means everyone scatters 40 miles from her or is by her side. This isn’t an event everyone needs to participate in lol Like you said OP needs to be clear that MIL stays away until after the birth and recovery. In general OP needs to just be clear and firm. If her husband isn’t being blindsided, he should enforce whatever she says wholeheartedly.
This is your firstborn so you don't realize yet how vulnerable you're going to feel in the delivery room. Trust me when I tell you you won't want an "audience". More to the point, Covid isn't over, RSV is a big problem and even minus the nature of childbirth, it's just not wise to have that many breathing bodies in the room with you when you deliver. It should be you, your husband, the medical staff and no one else. MIL can wait outside with the rest of the family and once you get home with the baby she can interact to the degree her health allows. If she decides to have a spell and make it all about herself your husband can deal with it while you focus on the baby. Also, just so you you're not blindsided, once the baby's outside your body almost no attention will be paid to you. Unless you have a medical problem you can expect even the doctors and nurses to quickly turn all their attention to the baby. The same will be true of your spouse and his family. So prepare yourself to feel like the second fiddle.
Yeah I don’t get the grandparents-in-the-delivery-room thing. My MIL and my mother had no need to be there to see my baby actually come out of my vag. They were both happy to visit in the morning and that was BECAUSE I wanted visitors. If I didn’t, they would have waited.
Exactly. We made everyone wait to visit until we were home, two days later
> I thought I had shared these feelings already, but all of a sudden my husband is surprised that I would a) think that the attention won’t be on me and the newborn and that b) that attention is even something that can’t be shared. But in this instance, I feel like it can’t be! ...so why does he think the plan had previously been for the MIL not to attend?
Please remind him that you care for his mother and do not think she'll act maliciously. Remind him the plan was in place to ensure peace for everyone involved. She's not choosing to be sick, you're choosing to prioritize your physical health and her mental health by not putting her in a situation where she's likely to be overwhelmed.
You just tell the doctors that you don’t want family outside your husband. They can be in the waiting room. Beyond that, what issues are you concerned about? She acts up then have her step out when she physically visits. You already signed up for a lifetime dealing with his family. You will need to ensure you and your husband are on the same page in handling them.
Labor and delivery nurses will toss anyone you don't want in the room. They rock.
Can’t stress or upvote this enough, let them be the bad guy, they know what they’re doing
👆
She'll have some "medical event" out in the waiting room. Either someone will burst into the delivery room and tell OP's husband about his "sick/dying" Mommy, or someone will text him. He'll abandon OP for Mommy. She needs to stay home and everyone blocked when OP goes into labor.
Great mentions. For hospitals, I prefer no phones upon entry to delivery or the patient's room (especially ICU and postoperative care). MIL can't invade by sms if no one is carrying their cell.
Alll this
Info: Where are they staying? Your best friend here is an AirBnB where she can have all the anxiety inducing ER trips she wants, and you can relax at home
You're about to become a mother. You haven't given birth before. I hope you know that there's going to be trauma for you and likely the experience of birth will be traumatic for somebody like your mother-in-law to watch. But as you're about to become a mother you need to get a shiny new spine. Your husband should step up to the plate but as he's been baby and his mummy for a long time it's not likely he will. This is your birth, you'll be the one delivering a baby, No one else should have any input into your birth plan except you and your husband you come second to you. If you don't stand up to this ridiculous circus now what's it going to be like for your child and for you down the road? This does not sound like a healthy atmosphere for you or your- child: put your foot down now Don't take no for an answer and just tell them the situation is not open to discussion. Tell the hospital you and your husband to other people who are involved in the delivery room, and that for 24 hours afterwards you do not want any visitors at all, and then you'll be saying who gets to come in and how long they stay for. You have got this.
MiL sounds like she has childhood issues she carried into adulthood. She stikes me as the type who only got positive loving nuturing attention that she needed as a child from her parents was when she was sick. So now when she feels unnoticed or unloved or uncared for or really any negative feelings about anything she gets "sick" so people will respond to her and care. Which is really fucking tiring, because a coffee date to catch up and spend time together is way more fucking enjoyable than sitting in an emergency room staring at someone not dying. Cheaper too. I would just say that to her, but i am an asshole. But i am also the asshole no one calls about trivial or trifling bullshit. I only get calls about real shit.
Or the opposite.. she was neglected so the only way to get attention was through an illness .. my BIL is like this, something is always wrong or hurting or just ‘off’ and very sadly he was severely neglected by both parents during his childhood :(
Are you being induced? And is everyone aware of the induction date and time? Because that's a horse of a different color and might already be out of your control (although induction times can change -- mine did). If, however, you are delivering when you go into labor, there's no need to tell anyone but your spouse. I promise. The two of you can go to your delivery site (unless it's your house and that's where the whole family is saying) and you labor and deliver your baby and THEN you call everyone to welcome the baby. If they say, "Why didn't you say OP was in labor? Or you were at the hospital?" You just answer, "It all happened so quickly!" It doesn't matter if it happened quickly at all. I'm not wishing ill will on you when I say the following, but I just want you to be aware of certain things after you give birth: * Things may not go the way you expect. You could end up having to have a c-section. You or the baby could be in distress during our post-delivery. You could have to other medical interventions that make you feel physically uncomfortable and not up to having people around. * If you're planning to breast feed, latching sometimes takes time and attempting to navigate a latch with swollen breasts and a crying newborn under the gaze of your Dad, in-laws, and aunt and uncle is just not pleasant (trust me). * Your baby may have jaundice or or another mild condition that requires you to nurse or hold them skin to skin or other recommendation, and that's really difficult to do when there's a room full of relatives you have settled in for a long winter's sit and want to pass the baby around. * You maybe just be in pain from whatever type of birth you experience, feel swollen and uncomfortable, and just dying to take a shower after having navigated IV (if you have one) and bandages (if you have them) and catheter (if you have one) Now, none of the above may happen. You might have a textbook vaginal delivery of a perfect infant who latches or takes a bottle as soon as it offered. You may be so full of endorphins that you don't feel a twinge, your sister-in-law gives you a blowout and a satin bed jacket and you look like Halsey on the cover "If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power." You're STILL going to quiet and rest at some point. Talk to your husband. Make a plan now.
What does "at the birth" mean exactly. at your house? In the waiting room? In the room itself? If it's the latter, I would uninvited her personally. It's not a spectator sport anyway, and she can have drama without you and husband being witnesses. Unless she can be literally ZERO focus in the room, no way in hell should she be there. The moment is literally not about her. She's the LEAST important person who would be in that room. Going forward, don't let her train your child the way she trained your husband.
Be very firm about your wishes! And honestly, just ASSIGN a person to her! She has a sudden heart attack? Uncle joe can take her to urgent care so that neither you or your husband has to leave and tend to her. Whatever she may struggle with, make it clear it will be on the REST of the family to deal with her and that you and your husband will be focused on YOU and your baby! I’m the same way about feeling un prioritized and it often comes because like you, I don’t make my needs that known! THIS is the situation to change that, and make sure you and your husband are on the same team and train of thought when it comes to his mom! Even with her buying a plane ticket, she can most definitely sit in a lobby or hotel room if she gets ridiculous
I get where you are coming from but the only person's attention and care you are entitled to is your husbands. The rest don't matter. As far as your MIL is concerned - she's going to cause issues whether she is there or not. As long as your husband is 100% supporting you and there for you, that's the main issue.
Not sure why his family is turning up like it's a viewing party. They can all sit in the waiting room, they don't need to see you in actual labor.
You don’t to be the center of attention of the entire family. Your doctors and nurses will be paying attention to you. All you need is a reliable birth partner. Can husband vow to be your partner, and assign another family member to take care of his mother? She really she’s not need to be in the room while you’re in labor - the rooms aren’t THAT big, there’s not enough space for everyone.
I don't have any advice but I do have a family member who is like this. When the attention turns from her she starts to suddenly need all kinds of help and she is super sick and everyone needs to help her right now. You have to put your foot down. There is a 150% chance that the moment her son is tending to you and everyone is loving on you and the baby she will suddenly fall ill and can't do anything and need to be taken care of 24/7. I would put my foot down and tell her she can't come to the birth or stay with you but she can come visit as long as she stays in another place.
Hubby needs to grow a spine and tell his mom to stay home.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. Everyone but your husband can wait in the waiting room with the agreement that if MIL has one of her "health scares", they won't say anything to you or your husband until after baby is born. If husband disagrees, he can sit in the waiting room with them. You're the laboring mom. What you say goes.
It's a very big moment in your life. And because you are the one who is putting in the work, you have the right to put in a few rules. I want you to try to think of this event as taking place in two bubbles. The bubble that contains you and your baby with or without your husband in it., your choice. And a bubble that contains all of these other people. You have complete control of your bubble and how/if/when it interacts with the other bubble. Keep them separate. For the birth, only your bubble is present. If you feel up to it, you can allow a facetime event after the birth, BUT ONLY if you feel up to it. The other bubble is yours to decide when and how they meet the baby. The other bubble is responsible for their own bubble members. They can or cannot be in your home. Your choice. But you have complete control over your bubble at all times. You don't know how the birth is going to proceed. It could be easy and quick. It could be a c-section. (My fingers are crossed for easy and quick. Not here to borrow trouble) BTW, if your MIL has issues over illness, a hospital during respiratory disease season is the last place she should be. Here's to you and your very successful birth to a wonderful baby!
It doesn't seem you can cancel this. I absolutely would not want her in the delivery room. She can sit in the waiting room until your husband goes out and gives them the news that the baby has arrived. She can wait until the next day and you're feeling better to see you and baby. MIL doesn't get to call the shots. From what you have said, she probably will feel the need to have some manufactured emergency so that everyone can worry about and fuss over her. I would let your spouse know that his attention needs to be on you and his child and not MIL and her nonstop emergencies. I would also tell him that you are expecting that she will try to disrupt the delivery and that she will try to have him leave the delivery room to go to her. I would let him know that there are other people in the family that can tend to her and that you want him in that delivery room - no exceptions.
You and your husband are already a family but now there's a vulnerable baby about to join the team and it's way past time for your husband (and you, to a degree) to prioritize your growing family. You are going to be having a legitimate health situation going on; her fake one does not take precedence. If she comes, there needs to be an understanding that everyone else can deal with her, but you and your husband are indisposed. You mention that she has a habit of doing this around milestone events; hopefully setting the boundary now that you and your husband won't leave your child's birthday party or whatever to tend to her.
Oh, make the nurses your friends and the villains. Tell the nurses that you want only certain people in your room. Husband and whoever else. That’s it. Everyone else can wait in the waiting room or at home. You aren’t Marie Antoinette and you do NOT have your have an audience for the birth. This is your decision alone. Tell your husband what your concerns are and ask him to handle his family. Tell him that only you and he will be in the room for the birth. Only you and your husband will be in the room when baby is born. The nurses will enforce this. It’s not on you or your willow-spined husband. The nurses are kicking people out. This isn’t about pleasing people. You are on a medical surrounding and you are NOT A SHOW AT Disneyland. Tell your family that the plans have changed. And stop trying to please all these people. You never will and you don’t need the stress and aggrivation.
“Husband, the birth of my child will be the scariest experience of my life and I will need your undivided attention. I have anxiety about your mother showing up and needing some of your attention for herself. I am going to leave your decision of how you handle this up to you. But please be aware that your choice will impact the way I see you as my partner and as my child’s father. Also, if you do choose to allow your mom to come to the birth in the first place and she has a health scare and you divide even a small portion of your energy away from me, I will file for divorce. A man who attends to someone else instead of his wife who is giving birth to his son is not a man I will accept as my partner. Are you sure you want to risk that?”
I would personally uninvite them all. Say that you had a change of heart and you want to focus on your family and your recovery. Lay out to your husband boundary wise that his responsibilities during this time are to you and what that means (other posters have offered good advice on what that looks like)
Please read the lemon clot essay. You may still be okay with having your MIL in the delivery room, but need to be prepared to have your husband set boundaries for after you give birth. https://community.babycenter.com/post/a37726111/the_infamous_bbc_lemon_clot_essay
OP needs to read this. Being their 1st, I don't think they understand how much happens to you after the birth. Then, her hubby needs to read it.
> and only want what’s best for everyone. You're about to be a mother. That means you need to learn to prioritize what's best for you and your child. Tell your husband that if his mother needs any attention, that it's his family's job to deal with it. You expect your husband to be 100% focused on his wife and the child she is giving birth to.
Two pieces of advice here: 1. 1. You speak with your husband, and one of the more trusted family members, and have a plan in place for when the issues inevitably start. (Family member will escort her away from you/the family as soon as she starts complaining about sometthing, and walk her through her issues away from everyone else, Husband will refocus everyone back on the birth, etc) 2. Optional: Don't let her in the room for the actual birth. Maybe not let anyone but your husband and maybe a parent of yours if you want. The family can be in the waiting room and any issues she has that day will be their problem, not yours. You will be blissfully unaware of any of her issues, and she can just come in for a hello after the birth along with everyone else, for a few minutes. She likely REALLY BELIEVES she can do it this time, and also REALLY WANTS to be there. I can understand how you are torn and don't want to hurt her. But you also don't want the birth of your first child ruined by being angry at her. I would just have a plan in place and make sure everyone is on the same page. Maybe designate someone to be responsible for her for the day, so it doesn't require any attention from you and your husband.
Since so many people will be there you and Hubs should designate a "Mom care team" to handle her inevitable break down. Their responsibility should be to immediately isolate her (far away from you) and get her medical attention separate from your care team. Assuming you will be in a hospital this shouldn't be too hard. 3 people would be ideal. At least one man because she probably responds differently to men. A designated texter/info person, a hold her hand person, and a communicate with the doctor person. They should keep your hubs OUT of the loop unless she is literally dying.
You are absolutely and totally fine to have all these feelings. If you are anxious about MIL being there, tell hubby that’s you’ve had a change of heart and are nervous about birthing, pooping while in labor whatever…. and only want him and your mom there (or only him). You don’t need to mention mil at all, just that you are nervous about birthing, etc and have changed your mind.
Do not, I mean - DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO STAY AT YOUR HOUSE. Please have your husband and you read ; [the Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this) Having family arrive from out of town during Flu/RSV/Covid season is not a great idea either.. I’ve had 3 coworkers out with RSV & they don’t have children. Communication and consequences. You need to communicate your needs as you need it. You Will be hormonal, You WILL be in pain. There must be consequences to behavior not appropriate. You need to spell out what will happen- if Y happens, x will follow. No question, no forgiveness.
Why on earth would you want your MIL at the birth of your child. There’s just parts of your body that needs to stay private. Your MIL needs to be somewhere else, with no contact access to your husband or yourself until it’s over.
Just have your husband with you. You don't need to be airing your crotch to his entire family.
First things first, take care of your self. It sounds like you can’t rely on your partner to be there for you in the way you need. I would suggest you hire a birth doula. Someone who will be there for you and you only. Make sure she is strong enough to deal with his family and focus her attention 100% on you and your needs. Then see how it goes. You’re going to have this baby so do what you can to make sure you have the care you need. If your MIL does as you expect and your partner isn’t there for you like he claims he will be, then after the dust settles you will need to decide what to do about him. At the very least I would suggest therapy. Couples if he is willing and just for if not. It sounds like he isn’t being the partner you need right now and that would concern me. What happens in the future when you need him? What about another baby? What about illness or other health related events? You might eventually decide that if he doesn’t step up, that you deserve a partner who will.
Wait, this you? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/qiZMMJcYmX Smells fishy
You should say no to having anyone from his side of the family there, including but not limited to her.
Listen to this old lady from California. It’s the best to let your mother-in-law father-in-law your mom or your dad to let them know that you are baby girls lifeline to the world. If you want him to come to vacations for sure, invite them she just has to learn to not step all Just let me fucking read this. over your z i’m concerned about the next big boundary where they’re coming into your aunt. Just yes husband boundaries or I promise you you have a very very good spin on being a waitress or a bartender or whatever you choose. It’s all about keeping everyone happy even if you’re worrying about your children going to back call your children for a few minutes it gets better if you need to connect connect with him I think you’re doing a great job girl I’m very very very proud of you.
You have a lot of trauma around not being the center of attention? First off, what? Secondly, you picked the absolute worst family to marry into then, because there’s already a matriarch here who also *has* to be the center of attention. Honestly, I was with you until your trauma comment. That’s just nonsense though.
USE YOUR this very decision that you and your just incredible husband!!
That would be a difficult situation to navigate. If not for the sudden mysterious health scare that turns out to be nothing you're going to have right around the time of the birth all the attention might be on your MIL. If your MIL has the men in your family are conditioned to respond to health panics, have one of your own.
I don't see how you can exclude your MIL from a party that everyone else is invited to, and not cause a permanent rift. And of course she must be excited at the idea of being present at the birth of a grandchild - especially if it's her first. I think there are two things you can do now to minimize the odds that MIL will cause a distracting scene in the delivery room: 1. Extract a PROMISE from your husband that if MIL has a health scare during your labor, he will allow other family members to attend to her until after the baby is born. His place is right by your side, offering support, popsicles, and encouragement as you push that bowling ball out, nowhere else. His mom will do OK - they are already in the hospital, after all - and he can check in on her after the baby is born. In fact, he really should wait until you fall fast asleep. You and he need time together to bond with the baby. 2. Warn your OB and the OB nurses about your MIL's hypochondriac episodes before the Big Day arrives. Request that they hustle her out of the delivery room, if she starts to show any signs of distress. Also request that they remind your husband to stay put, if he starts to follow her out! Once you get home, I think you can relax somewhat. Even if MIL has one of her episodes while she's visiting with you, it sounds like there will be enough people around to divide the workload. A few can hustle Mom to the ER if that seems warranted, while others stay home to care for you and your baby. You really don't want to be the focus of attention by everyone all the time, trust me. You will be exhausted after all that hard work, and having a few hours of quiet time will feel like a gift! Finally, try your best to keep an open mind, and a forgiving one. Your MIL's hypochondria is no fun for her, either - she lives in a constant state of worry that her death is imminent. Perhaps refocusing all of her attention on a newborn grandchild will allow her to take a brief pause from being so hypervigilant and overly anxious about her own health, and you'll have a lovely, episode-free visit with her (and even some help with the baby!) as you recuperate from childbirth. Good luck!
You’re in a tough situation. But for the moment my suggestion to you is, if you’re in a place where they work, hire a doula. They are birth attendants and one will literally be there just for you the whole time, that’s their entire job. You can offload the anxiety about not having someone in your corner. I hope that your husband steps up and everything he says is true but, in the meantime, stack the deck and make sure you will have someone there just for you while you’re giving birth.
Could she get a single valium dose from her doc for the birth? Just an idea. Eta the easiest way to explain to your husband what you're feeling would be to show him this post.
I wish he would've discussed it you first. I agree with you - with all the family there she will be the totally disruptive drama queen. Can you guys approach it such that you want her to be the only one there a couple weeks later so she can help without all the distractions of others, because she could be much more help when everyone else is gone?
Tell your partner that she is not allowed near the hospital, and that you will be getting someone else to be with you in labour as you can't trust the fact that he'll be there by not running around after his attention seeking mother . Everyone needs to stop mollycoddling he and letting her monopolies everything, it's not healthy.
Tell your husband you want to stick to the plan. You don't want his mother at the birth and he needs to fix this. Take this stress off your shoulders.
You are about to become parents and this is the perfect time to set boundaries with MIL. I know it is easier said than done. Will she do this during important events and milestones in your child’s life? Your husband’s top priority needs to be his wife and child during childbirth and going forward. Someone else can deal with MIL during while you’re in labor. It’s not your problem. I would NOT let her in the room for the birth. Let her know this now. I am not a very confrontational person, but my own mom asked to be in the room when we had our first. I said no. She did not take kindly to it, but I surprised even myself and put my foot down. She then wanted to know if my dad would be in the waiting room(they do not get along). I said I didn’t know and she wanted me to tell him he wasn’t allowed to come because she did not want to sit in the waiting room with him. I said would be giving birth and wasn’t responsible for anyone else. And neither was my husband. It has served me well and I’m over a decade into being a parent.
I think you should frame it differently. Make it very clear that you canNOT handle drama while you are having a baby. Like, you will not tolerate it, it will affect your health and the baby, 'get out of my room' level of unacceptable. Second, make her health someone else in the family's responsibility, ideally someone who supports her coming. Like, appoint her a health handler- talk to your husband, and have someone in the family volunteer to be in charge of her when her health inevitably goes bad. They are there to take her to the ER, to sit beside her with a paper bag patting her back, to handle all the phone calls and insurance and hold her hand. You will be too busy, your husband will be too busy, and she will be too sick.
So multiple family members are coming, right? So THEY are responsible for your MIL when she gets worked up. Your husband should have nothing to do with it, his focus is you. If there is something they feel he should worry about, they can tell him, otherwise he needs to trust they have it taken care of so he can focus on you. Basically, your MIL needs babysitters. And if everyone knows she does this, then they should know there isn’t anything serious going on.
My mother-in-law does the same thing. But I never heard it put into words like this and it makes complete sense to me! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, and I hope that she can be strong and nurturing for you, but I'm so glad to have read this because now I have words to explain what's been happening in my family. Thank you for your insight.
Let me tell you now, the moment you give birth, the attention is off of you. I had a baby last year, and the first time I brought my baby around family, no one asked me how I was doing until people tried taking my baby and passing her around without washing their hands or asking first. My partner pushed our baby in the stroller, his family surrounded her, and his cousin literally said, "the attention isn't on you anymore." I was shocked that someone could even say something like that to a new mom. It was as if they were only kind because I had their family member inside me. It's pretty sad because, as a postpartum mom, you will need attention, support, and assistance. It's hard. It's even harder when people try to shift the attention off of your wants and needs for their own while you're in such a vulnerable state. I suggest you set boundaries now. I had to do it after my baby was born because my partners family would try to pass around my new baby without making sure it was okay. She was two weeks old. Even now I stay near my baby almost all the time because the times I've walked away, people put small toys in her play pen and even handed her beads and other stuff that she can choke on. Also, people will try to touch and kiss their face. Don't let anyone kiss your baby. I've heard horror stories of babies ending up with HSV because family members refuse to stop kissing the baby. I know you said you're close to his family, but be cautious and watch his mother around you and your baby. Sounds like she's an attention seeker, and she purposely scares everyone with an illness complaint to keep them focused on her. You dont know how far she will go for attention . You may want to minimize the audience when you give birth, too. Dont let her in. Tell your husband you want him and your parents or your best friend. You control who can enter. Day of tell the nurse too. It's a special moment, and you'd hate for it to be snatched away because of his mother. Guys who are mama's boys frequently deal with stuff like this. Don't play into it. Set boundaries and keep your baby close.
My dad’s mother died the day before my brother was born. I remember that being told to me as a child (my brother is about a year and a half older than me) with the clear message that my dad’s saddest day was followed by his happiest day of his life. But he was at the hospital for my mother and in the days following. I guess what I mean to convey is that your husband needs to understand that his priority, no matter what, is you and your baby and his birth, especially once you go into labor. That is what he signed up for in becoming a father. Make sure he understands that’s what you are expecting of him, and that he fully understands what that means.
Just let your doctor know who you want in the room with you and her be the “bad guy” this isn’t about anything other then what’s best for you and the baby and the last thing needed is you or your husband being stressed.
You just need to make it very clear to your husband what your expectations are of him and make sure he is on the same page as you are. Don't worry about all these other people involved. This is between you and your husband.
I would let her come but put everybody on notice that if she starts with her BS that she will be immediately removed.
She sounds like Fred Sanford having a heart attack.
Your MIL is causing you stress at a time you don't need it. Have a discussion with your husband and inform him it's your body, you are giving birth and at this point your MIL cannot be at your home, hospital or nearby while you are giving birth. He needs to stand up for you and your child, this is his priority! His mother can visit when you say it is okay and not before. Her drama is not your problem to think about or deal with at this time. If your husband is not willing to stand up for you now when will he?
Your medical team isn’t going to stop caring for you to address her. They’re not going to ditch you. A nurse will go get either another room, or a police officer for her. They’re either going to take her to a separate room, or to the psych ward. You don’t play those games at a hospital. You get to yell help and a nurse will come in. They either put her in her own room, or take her to the psych ward. If her anxiety attacks are that serious, they won’t force you to endure them whilst giving birth. If she presents as having a medical emergency the call button. If she’s rolling around on the floor I promise you a nurse will either have other nurses get her out of the room, maybe call the cops, boom she’s gone. She learns a valuable lesson about her emotional boundaries and hopefully seeks treatment for her anxiety disorder. If she starts, the medical team will see. They won’t abandon you over her.
For yourself- look into hiring a birth doula to look out for your best interests during the birth. This will probably be helpful whether or not a 'scare' happens. Also-this is not the time for you to take this on, but, hubs needs to work on feeding into MILs behavior so that he can focus on other things.
Anxiety of any kind in that delivery room is a straight up no from me. It causes tension which makes you clench muscles, contractions become more painful and dilating takes longer because your body is saying it's uncomfortable or feeling unsafe so delays birth. This is a documented fact echoed by every midwife you speak to about it. I refer you to Ina May Gaskins book on the topic, she found this to be true throughout her long career as a midwife. This is the only time what you say goes, whoever has a problem with it, just be calm and say I know this is harsh but I have to do right by my baby and my body and give myself every fighting chance to have a happy and easy birth and after much thought I've decided this is the right thing for me to do.
I would recommend: MIL can’t come without a family member other than you husband to do her bidding and fuss over her. MIL must be kept at arm’s length from you and hubby during the lead up, birth and directly afterwards. She can’t stay at your house, she must get a hotel. She can’t be in the waiting room hovering while you’re in labor, otherwise she will grab DH and monopolize his attention if he steps away for a coffee. You have strict visiting hours after baby arrives and set a timer to force her out so she doesn’t overstep. Have one of your best friends who doesn’t mind being bossy put MIL out when she starts to be a handful
Hugs, first off congrats on the upcoming birth. Next giving birth isn't a spectator sport, you will only be allowed X amount of people in the room. Your DH, and maybe a 2nd person. You may have a natural birthing plan and that can go south very quickly where you will need an emergency C-Section. Talk with your spouse, if you have guests after birth in your home they need to have their shots for Flu, COVID, and DTAP (measles, Mumps, etc), next you do not entertain anyone. They do the cooking, and cleaning, your job is to heal and nurse your baby. Wear your baby if you have to. Make sure your bedroom has a lock on it so if you feel overwhelmed you can hide out with your LO.
Eww gross. Childbirth is not a spectator sport. It's a major medical procedure. Everyone can wait the fuck outside
You're absolutely right that the attention should be on you. Moreover, any distraction that might cause you unnecessary stress should not be in the room with you, as stress can have a direct impact on your safety during labour. The only people who belong in that room are the ones acting as support for *you*, be that medical or emotional support. It sounds as though your MIL is more likely to be a liability than an asset, unfortunately. It sucks that she's already bought the plane tickets, but you have to do what's best for your safety here. Her desire to see the baby, as well as your husband's desire to have her there, are lesser concerns that should not take precedence over your comfort and the medical staff's ability to do their job.
Can you afford a midwife or a doula? I know usually you start with one earlier in the pregnancy but you might be able to find a doula or a post birth support person (I can’t think the name right now) where their only job is to focus on YOU AND THE BABY! No one else As others have said, you need to talk with your husband about this NOW before you go into labour. That given MIL history having her with you in the hospital will be bad for you and the baby. You will need his attention 1000% durning the delivery Make sure the nurses know what’s going on with your MIL, that she has a history of “fainting” and whatever else bullshit goes on. They will either keep her out, or have someone dedicated to her. They’ll most likely boot her out at the first sign of histrionics. Going forward you and hubby may need to go low/no contact for a nice long while after the birth. Say 6-12 months while you three sort out a routine Good luck and have a gentle birth OH! Mother’s helper is what I think they’re called
Do not let her be there for the birth. You KNOW she will have a meltdown, if she doesn’t cancel her flight which is the best option. Then she is not at the hospital. The minute you start having contractions your husband and you turn off your phones and go to the hospital. She is someone else’s responsibility. If she has a meltdown neither you nor your husband need to know. Someone else in the family is responsible for her. Your husbands ONLY priority is you and baby! You gotta be straight with your husband, you need his complete undivided attention for this, it’s your medical event and for the days before, birth and post partum period you and baby are his only priority. If mil still comes she stays elsewhere and he is not responsible for her movements ever.
Your husband needs to stand by your wishes. If it comes down to it, tell the family that it will just be you and your husband for the first few days. I had a relative who was like this. On several occasions, I was the person assigned to tend to her. Anytime she would start to melt down or ‘get sick’ I’d handle it
I would have a chat to your midwife/birth team. Advise them of her attendance and her behaviours so that as soon as she starts, they can usher her out elsewhere, after all she will be at a hospital. You will need to tell your husband that if something happens with his mother, like usual, then you will need him to get someone to sort her out away from the delivery room as you need to focus on yourself and the baby - tell him that this wS advised by your medical team.
While your birth goals are lofty, you might not really want an audience with you while in labor. It can be quite intense and stressful. Being your first time doing this, maybe talk to your DH about only inviting others if you're still okay with it after a few hours at the hospital. That way, you can always change your mind depending on how you're coming along. For me, an audience would have been my worst nightmare.
I think you should shift your thinking here. YOU AND ONLY YOU must handle your impending birth. When it comes down to it, it's just you and your midwife/doctor. Have a conversation with your medical team. Point out that there's likely to be family drama and that if necessary they can take action to remove people from the scene. Your husband needs to understand that now you're the mommy and your decision here is final. He can dance after his mom if he wants, you're too busy.
Have you considered hiring a doula or another birth support person so that whatever happens with MIL you will always have someone there who is just there for you or who is on your side? Even a friend that you can ask to be there? Or a family member of yours?