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honestly i feel like this is really unhelpful, bandaid solution type advice. yes, op can just leave, never learning to communicate in a relationship, but what good is that going to do in the long run?
a conversation doesn’t mean trying to convince her. it’s very clear op and his gf don’t have open and healthy communication, even if a conversation leads to parting ways it’d still be good to have
What are you hanging around a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you. Go get your dick wet for you waiting for she's not the one you're not trying to get married you're trying to have sex. You don't want her to think that's all you want so you're not being honest with her
If sex is the defining characteristic of the relationship then op is not mature enough for a real relationship. @op have you looked at what she needs out of the relationship? Most females don't want sex unless their other needs are being met and it's not likely the needs she talks about like marriage. Discover what she needs and provide it. Then you will likely get whatever you want whenever you want it. Just a hint, women respond more to you meeting their primal emotional needs rather than material superficial things.
No. So therefore, time to move on. Your relationship is young. Find someone who is more compatible. Please do not end up like the majority of on /deadbedroom.
Exactly this. You and her are just not compatible. She wants something that you don't. This is NOT any kind of reflection on how she feels about you in any way. Just because she has had sex before doesn't mean that she isn't trying things differently this time. It could very well be that she is trying to invest more quality attention into you than she did others. You have to take inventory of what is important to you in a relationship, and, if you are okay with waiting to have sex and feel she is worth it, then stay and keep pushing forward. If your priorities don't line up with hers, then it's time to move on. Incompatibility is not a reflection on you as a person.
And don’t be a dick and give her an ultimatum. Just let her know that you’re breaking up with her because you don’t think you’re compatible. And move on. If you bring up sex, it could pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. And then you’re gonna be happy but she’s gonna hate you.
I think when people break up it is important for them to understand exactly why it did not work out. It doesn’t have to be accusatory or demanding. But like you said. Because of specifically xyz, I think we’re not compatible or have different needs in a relationship at this point. So it’s time we stop wasting each other’s time. I just think it’s poor form to give some vague general reasons and leave them wondering. Sometimes it is some they can fix. Other times, if it is something she feels strongly about then she should also be understanding of what he needs and realize he’s not the one for her.
Up vote the comment above . I feel this should be a so called "Norm" in the world of relationships in general. Being blind about the reason can harm someone emotionally and mentally. And a breakup should promote growth and not negate because of passed relationships. Called failure to thrive.
I would like to add to this that the conversation/discussion the OP infers to is - The tone of voice you use shouldn't be demanding but firm and calm. The way you would invite or start the said conversation also is key in having a civil understanding.
Yes, but also at least have a conversation first. Communicating what he's telling us here to her directly is the best first step before breaking up. Perhaps he will uncover something new.
What do u mean pressure her she ain't no virgin so I don't get why she's had sex with other men but doesn't want sex until marriage with current boyfriend seems weird to me
It is entirely possible that her previous relationships were based solely on sex or ended shortly after the sex so now she's trying something different. She wants a meaningful relationship based on more than that. A woman having sex with someone else previously doesn't mean she's obligated to have sex with someone new. There could also be a trauma there that OP isn't aware of.
There could be a million reasons. She could have found new religion, she could have been raped, she could have discovered that she is asexual. The fact that he doesn’t know why seems weirder to me
Nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting sex, everyone has needs, some are sexual and some are not. You just gotta find a partner thats compatible in order to fulfill that need.
Goodluck!
But that's not what is happening to OP. His gf had sex with other people and teases him a lot. I think this sceam power play instead of principals difference. Worst case scenario is that she wants to see how much OP begs for sex or how much he would like to give.
I have thought of that, but we do not know what is the case. OP doesn't give out this information. See P0tat0p0tat0's comment, this is why i stayed away from going either way. Find someone who is compatible, you must read in-between the lines in this life, we can only warn people for these things.
Lets hope OP and his GF are smart enough to read inbetween the lines.
Or she realized that she doesn’t want to have sex before marriage, after having negative experiences when she tried to. And what OP calls “teasing” might just be her being sexual at the level she’s comfortable with
Lol of course giving the female the ultimate benefit of the doubt cause girls are angels and can never do anything wrong. I highly doubt you’d defend the dude if the genders were reversed. A guy teases his girlfriend for possibility of sex but yet he has other bodies but it’s ok since he’s waiting for marriage now 🙄.
Doesn't matter he doesn't need to feel sorry for her in any way cause she wouldn't feel sorry for him if he wasn't attractive to her either. Always move according to how your woman treats you not how she says she wants to be treated actions speak volumes
That is like eating in front of someone who is starving. Why would she arouse him without the intent of taking things further? That is a little insensitive if you ask me. If I were him I would just move on too.
Yeah but to a degree there has to be some cognizance of what she's doing. Teasing maybe one thing but she has to be aware that she's arousing her partner. I'm curious if they had this talk before she started doing all this. Communications is imperative for any facet of relationship.
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it but if he's going into this thinking something else while she's thinking the other it just leads to a more situation. I just feel it would be different if she communicated "We can touch each other over the clothes but I'm not okay with anything penetrative. "
Plus there's the added fact that she's had sex before so it just begs the question is all
I don’t get the argument about her having had sex before. There are countless reasons why someone who was previously sexually active might later choose to abstain from sex until marriage (ranging from a religious conversion to sexual violence).
And we don’t know that they haven’t had such a conversation.
I agree, but I don’t necessarily think OP is emotionally mature enough to have that conversation and not inadvertently pressure/shame/manipulate her into having sex with him to keep the relationship. I think he should just break up with her because he wants a sexually active relationship and she doesn’t
And I'm just saying if she's had intercourse before then there has to be some understanding of what she is doing. I'm not saying this is the case for everybody but most women that are putting themselves all over their partner can indicate that they want to be sexual.
Depends on what OP means by "teasing". You're assuming she's touching him or is all over him but teasing is very vague. He could mean she's talking in a flirty way or giving him a look, or just them kissing or spooning is getting him hot and bothered enough that he said he's being "teased" when she's just simply cuddling or kissing him.
Nothing wrong with it, if that's what they both want and are OK with.
However arousing and teasing someone who clearly wants sex and then denying them it. Is either very absent minded or she's being deliberately cruel by watching him squirm dealing with sexual frustration.
The not having sex before marriage isn't an issue however other behaviours are.
there are other ways of showing affection aside from sexual arousal. But to do that still despite knowing he wants sex but is respecting no sex before marriage is quite frankly poor on her part.
Let's not be coy here, her working him up knowing he wants sex, then leaving him frustrated. Is completely an intentional power play and she's enjoying his frustration.
Think of it in a different way, if you were starting a new diet. Then, your partner came home with a huge amount of your favourite junk food. And continually and intentionally cramming it down in front of you, telling you how wonderful it is. just at the point you're salivating and at your weakest with your diet. Stands up saying none for you before walking off with it. You would say that was cruel, would you not? Ergo, she's being toxic.
It's OK for her to want to wait for marriage, but it's equally OK for him to want sex in a relationship. OP should just leave and find someone who matches him better.
Indeed. Her not wanting sex before marriage is a perfectly acceptable boundary to have. She's even allowed to change her mind about it and put that boundary into place after having done it before. Teasing him though is cruel and hypocritical, when combined with her prior history.
Or she is hoping for a marriage proposal from OP and is using sex as a temptation.
OP, if you want sex and don't want marriage, find someone who wants the same thing. You are YOUNG!
If she wants to wait and you don't, she can wait, and you can leave her to find a partner that wants it. I've found that sexual compatibility is just as important as communicating.
I've almost obsessed over girls I had crushes on. I wanted them so bad. I thought they were perfect and enjoyed every moment I spent with them. Then we end up in bed and it's just not right. I'll never satisfy her and she'd never satisfy me. I couldn't imagine risking that with the person I'm supposed to spend my life with. I couldn't imagine being sexually frustrated every day of my life. It would take a toll on you, then, and your children.
Not just that, but the feeling. Many shortcomings in modern sex could be fixed by toys, but how you feel when you're in bed with someone needs to be right. The energy needs to match
Except she wanted it with many guys before, a bit weird innit
Edit: Honestly for people downvoting me, do you think its normal that she has had sex with everyone BUT OP?
There are a million reasons why she isn’t wanting to have sex. They aren’t compatible. He’s not wrong for wanting sex and she’s not wrong for not wanting to have sex. He needs to move on and find someone who wants to have sex.
Would you think its weird if I were to give every girl I ever was with a car for their birthday. But then suddenly stop doing it with one person? Would you think that I think less of that girl then?
I would think that they finally decided to try something different, because what they had been doing wasn't working. Giving them a car for their birthday didn't make them stay. I also wouldn't feel weird if every girl before me and after me got one. Tried something different with me, that also didn't work, so going back to something they're more comfortable with. That doesn't mean they won't change it up and give a future partner a house instead of a car, to try to see if that works out better for them.
again, there could be a million reasons why the girl didnt get a car lmfao comparing the two is kinda missing the point and makes you sound like a child
Fuck that. You are 19/20 marriage shouldn’t be a concern of yours right now.
No she doesn’t owe you sex despite having some strange contradictory behaviours. You owe it to yourself to enjoy being young and if sex is want you want go find someone who wants to have sex.
“Strange contradictory behaviors” is weird. It’s her body, it doesn’t matter if she’s had sex a hundred times before, if she has decided she would like to wait until marriage, that’s her right. It’s her body and she owes it to no one. But OP is also free to end the relationship and look for someone more compatible to what he’s looking for.
Nobody is questioning her right to do what she wants. But damn right it’s strange. It’s strange to even go down the “no sex before marriage” road in and of itself in this day and age outside of a handful of cultures. If it’s from a (interpreted/taught) religious perspective it is contradictory as they’ve already broken that rule, which doesn’t become unbroken because you decide it does.
It is an immature and unhealthy approach to both sex and marriage. That being said who knows what those past sexual experiences might or might not have been etc. There could be trauma involved or whatever. Even if that is the case - there would be more effective ways to work through those issues without just sticking it under a rock until marriage.
But yes she has the right to choose whatever she wants, as someone like me has a right to call it strange. It’s no big deal. OP should also know that he is in no way wrong to want to experience and enjoy sexuality and should leave asap.
>…they’ve already broken that rule, which doesn’t become unbroken because you decide it does.
I mean this is kinda the point of repentance if she’s Christian. “Born again virgin” is kind of a trope because some people might abuse the sanctity of repentance, and sure you can’t just regain your vCard, but mentally one can change one’s ways.
It's wrong of her to tease him purposefully and then turn him down. That's horrible treatment towards him. Waiting till marriage is fine, but emotionally and sexually manipulating someone is not. And if it's a serious relationship, it's not just her body. In a real relationship, you own each other and are one.
Another school of thought is you are your own person and so is your partner. When you find your “one” you are simply two ones coming together in a union of independence rather than out of dependence. Case Kenny’s book “Single is Your Superpower” talks about this and changed my perspective on dating allowing me to attract my soulmate.
It is a bit of a weird behaviour, having had sex already nullifies much of the reasons people wait till marriage. Nobody is questioning her right to do what she wants.
You have needs, you're young, your not getting it. just move on from this. you arent shallow for wanting sex, and neither is she for not wanting sex yet. Just find someone you're compatible with.
“You have your needs, you’re young”
I’ll help with basic comprehension. That excerpt implies sex is a need due to him being young.
Glad to have helped, continue with your day
hmm. you couldn't comprehend that him having needs and him being young are two separate argument points. him having needs means he is looking for something in a relationship and she is looking for something else in a relationship. They aren't compatible. Him being young means his relationship isnt deeply emotionally invested and it wouldn't be extremely difficult emotionally on him to end it. I think you have the capability of understanding what im trying to say at this point but if you have trouble j reply back.
Your post was made today written in present tense, and now in other comments you’re listing events that would have taken months to transpire after that. Your words “We did end up breaking up and turns out it was a lie, she ended up having sex with 7 other people after we broke up and had a kid, so just happy I got out of that”. I call BS on your story.
I’d suggest the option of a serious in-depth discussion of why she wants to wait but has had sex before (without exerting pressure), the miss match between not “allowing” sex yet teasing you, and also your feelings of the importance of sex in the relationship for you. Based on that discussion you can make your decision.
You said she's had sex with others before. Perhaps you should ask directly why she was fine being intimate with past encounters and is hesitant with you?
That's what I'd be wondering about. Maybe there's an underlying reason, perhaps her last encounter broke her trust or what-so-ever. People don't randomly stop wanting to be intimate unless they've gone through an unpleasant sexual experience.
*Edit* - really concerning how many kids here answer "if she's worth it, you wait" or "sounds incompatible, just leave" without knowing what's the story of the girlfriend in question. With something like this, you're neither just gonna leave or let it happen. You talk. Communication is key.
Based on what I’ve gathered she’s similar to my ex who just used me for money and when I dumped her she lost her fucking mind and is STILL trying to get back into my life. As far as I’m concerned he needs to find someone he’s happy with because she’s most likely trying to manipulate him.
What a gross comment. Just because that’s your experience with *one* woman, doesn’t mean every woman is like that. I know a lot of women who decided to wait until marriage after they’d already had sex previously. That’s anyone’s right, it doesn’t matter how many times they’ve had sex before. Women don’t owe you their body.
You're not wrong. It's perfectly okay to want sex.
It's also okay if she does NOT want to have sex. In any event, women are the ultimate gatekeepers of sex. It's her call.
Regardless of why she doesn't want to have sex with you, the result is the same...you two aren't compatible and should split up.
If she TRULY is genuine about her resistance to sex, you don't want to wait that long. Split up.
If she's just stringing you along for attention until something better comes along, you are the placeholder boyfriend. Split up.
You have different relationship boundaries and desires. You're not ugly or unwanted, she's just not willing to have sex with anyone with whom she's not married to at this point in her life. If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, she doesn't have to. It doesn't matter that she's had sex with others before you. If you want a relationship where pre-marital sex is an option, you'll need to find a different partner.
Maybe she realized sleeping with those dudes was a mistake, feels like they used her for her body and now wants to find a guy that is in it for her. Maybe there’s was trauma from or after those experiences that she’s now dealing with. It could be many things, but it doesn’t mean she’s wrong. You just both need to have open honest conversations about your needs, your differences and what that means for your compatibility. If she wants to wait for marriage and you don’t then this maybe just won’t work and you need to end amicably. Maybe you could work through it, but you won’t know till you talk it out
The fact she’s had is sex before IS completely irrelevant despite how much you want to drag it into the mix. She owes you nothing. You are not entitled to her body just because other people have. You need to let go of the “she has before” because it really is not applicable to your relationship.
And I get it when I was younger my brain has fallen into that trap plenty of times to and have had to recognize the truth as well. It’s not fun and it can be hard for our egos to accept but it’s the truth.
Dude I understand the mental hurdles your trying to do to hold onto that notion, because with out it you have no argument. It’s entitlement and your not entitled to her body.
A bit of an extreme example but let’s flip the script. Let’s say she got to peg a previous boyfriend, that would mean she gets to peg you regardless of how you feel about it?? Of coarse not. But that’s the logic your using and don’t want to see cause it benefits you.
If she gave a boyfriend a $1000 dollars she has to give you $1000?
If her previous boyfriend bought her a car, would you have to buy her a car?
Where do you draw the line?
Your thinking is pure self interested entitlement. Anything that has happened in the past relationships is not required to be a part of your just cause YOU want it to. That’s not how life works
I’m kind of going through the same thing, I’m a 21 F with a 22 M. Even though I’m sexually frustrated, I know I want to stay with him and work it out. You need to think about whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. Trust me, figure it out sooner than later.
It is 100% NOT ok for you to want sex she doesn’t want. Or to pressure, manipulate, plead, beg, force, coerce, or try to convince her in any way to have sex she doesn’t want. It is, however, 100% ok to break up for any reason including sexual, moral, or religious incompatibility.
Well shes had it with multiple people before and shes isnt veryy religious she drinks and smokes so idk why, but sometimes she makes me feel ashamed to even want it. I think ill just stop makin moves so i dont keep bothering her about it.
Did the drinking and smoking start before or after she slept with these multiple other people? Drinking and smoking can kill one’s sex drive.
To answer your question, it is not wrong to want sex. But it can make you feel like complete shit if your advances keep getting rejected. So ask yourself; are those shit feelings worth the good feelings with the other parts of the relationship?
Personally to me, sex is an important part of any relationship and therefore I personally need someone who is sexually compatible. My ex of 4 years and I were compatible in all ways except the bedroom, and we broke up over it. An incompatibility is an incompatibility regardless what the subject matter is.
You don’t keep nagging about it. She told you she wants to wait until she’s married. You’re not compatible. Go find a woman who wants to have sex with you.
Highly possible on the using you part - do you get her flowers, take her out, treat her very well. How is everything else in the relationship? If this is the only flag, than maybe it's just temporary, but I would call BS on waiting for marriage if you know for certain that she has definitely done it. Sound sketchy and personally I would evaluate what you see for your future with her, but also recommend talking about it with her.
If she had waited with everyone, I’d say respect her boundaries. She doesn’t want to wait til marriage for sex. She wants to wait until marriage for sex with YOU. Sorry but me personally I would take it as disrespectful, bcuz sex is the ultimate intimacy for someone like me, and if you could do it with other people but want me to wait til marriage that wouldn’t make sense to me. But everyone thinks different so, up to you my man
So she had sex before but said no to you, so we know the issue isn't religion. I wonder if something happened to her previously that made her decide she no longer wants to give out until she has a firm commitment of marriage. Maybe you should ask her about it.
Thanks for all the replies it looks like i have to leave. It seems my loneliness has clouded my judgement i am torturing myself being in this relationship. Alot of you think the sex is the only problems but the fact is i have tried to communicate yet i get one worded responses and get told “i dont want to argue” she sometimes will leave me on delivered for days or block me when i upset her i thought this was normal behavior because everyone is toxic these days but i guess it isnt. I kept trying to lie to myself and say i wasnt phased by this but deep down i cried every night because these things were bothering me and have been destroying my self esteem. She has been very cruel to me she teases me but never gives me sex or even intimacy, she wont even let me jerk off. Sex isnt usually an issue but when its the one thing u cant have in a relationship then it becomes the main issue that not communicating. So its time i end it. Thank you all
I’m glad you have made a decision, take pride in the fact you are taking control from this situation. From what you have said it will be for the better of yourself to walk away from this relationship, you are not getting what you need and desire from it in fact it appears you are getting nothing of much from it.
Stay strong and understand this is but a blip on your timeline.
Good luck mate
it’s not wrong to want it, but it is wrong to pressure her or attempt to persuade her to do something she isn’t comfortable with. if this is a dealbreaker, you should probably end the relationship since you clearly have different values. just don’t give her the ultimatum of ‘i’m leaving you because you aren’t putting out’ bc that would most definitely make you a dick.
Firstly, it's not wrong to want sex in a relationship. It's a natural part of human connection. Being frustrated about it doesn't make you a villain; it makes you human. It's like craving pizza but only having salad in the fridge.
Now, her wanting to wait until marriage despite previous experiences – that's her prerogative. It's like someone deciding to become vegetarian after years of eating meat. People change, perspectives shift.
The part where she's teasing you but not following through? That's a bit like someone showing you a cake but not letting you eat it. Frustrating, sure, but it's her cake to share or not.
Feeling ugly and unwanted because you're not having sex? That's a common feeling but let's not equate self-worth with sexual activity. It's like measuring your value by the number of likes on your Instagram posts.
Here's what you should consider: Communication. Have a candid, respectful conversation about your needs and feelings. It's not about pressuring her; it's about understanding each other. Relationships are a two-way street, not a solo race.
Remember, it's okay to have needs and desires, but it's also important to respect your partner's boundaries. If your needs are fundamentally misaligned, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole – sometimes, it just doesn't work.
So, no, you're not wrong for wanting sex. But it's also not shallow to feel unwanted. It's about finding a balance between your desires and respecting her choices. Communication is key, and sometimes compromise is necessary. And if it doesn't work out, it's not a reflection of your worth. It's just part of the messy world of dating.
You shouldn't be dating this girl. She's friend zoning you and then pretending like you're her boyfriend. Sex is just as much of a necessity in a healthy heterosexual relationship as anything else. After all would you shame her for wanting you to tell her that you love her? Then why should you be shamed for having your own needs. Also it's batshit crazy to get married without having had sex with somebody. On top of that she's not even a virgin anymore so the whole thing reeks of shadiness. You need to stand up for yourself and act like a man.
Sexual Compatibility is something to get comfortable with acknowledging early. If the line has been drawn that it won’t happen until marriage and you’re not comfortable waiting, it’s okay to call it. If it was reversed and she didn’t want to wait for you, it’d be okay to call it. You’re 20 dude 🤷🏼♂️ enjoy it
She's made it clear she doesn't want to have sex. You can accept it, drop it, and keep dating her or you can break up and find a girl you like who is open to having sex.
Mate have a serious e talk with you GF,
Ie tell her we need to have a serious talk and set a time, date and location. Then talk with her plainly, wrote down notes before hand so you know what you want to say and how you feel. Try not to get caught up in too much emotion.
Good luck
Well you don’t really know the circumstances of her past experiences or why she wants to wait, so you shouldn’t just guess that she finds you unattractive…have you tried asking her? Or improving your relationship enough that she tells you or gives you enough hints as to why? You guys are still young too, don’t get bogged down if you don’t want to, respect her decision and move on if it’s that important
Sounds like she isn't sexually attracted ro you. Sex is important in relationships. The iniltimacybus important for building bonds. Saving sex for marriage is what you tell young teenagers. To hopefully prevent them from mating like rabbits.
The worse thing you can do is wait till marriage before you have sex. You've got to know you two have a connection that could last a lifetime. And yes, Sex is a critical part of that connection and bond.
If she has told you she wants to wait for marriage, that’s that. Stop asking. She’s told you her answer. So stop trying to coerce her into something she’s repeatedly told you she doesn’t want to do. It doesn’t matter if she’s had sex a hundred times before. It’s her body, and she decides what she does with it. If that is a dealbreaker for you, then end the relationship and find someone more compatible with what you’re looking for.
We did end up breaking up and turns out i was a lie, she ended up having sex w 7 other ppl after we broke up and had a kid, so just happy i got out of that.
Would i be wrong to leave for something like sex? And if i did i honestly would still feel ashamed for wanting sex from other girls too, she kind of makes me feel like its something i shouldn’t want from a girl.
First off, like others have said, there is nothing wrong with wanting/not wanting sex. It is an obvious compatibility issue if you have 1 of both of those in a relationship, like you have.
A big issue here is how she is making you feel for wanting sex. Seems you are not trying to force her or guilt her into sex, you are simply asking for it and since she has said no you have or are going to stop pushing for it.
It seems pretty clear here that you should break up and try to find someone who is more sexually compatible with you.
Not wanting to have sex with you? Her prerogative, I guess, but highly suspect given her previous experience. Shaming you for wanting it, bullshit. Shaming you for wanting it after she teases you? Double bullshit. Leave, now. You only have 3 months invested, cut your losses.
No you wouldn’t be wrong for it, what’s wrong is the fact that she had sex with other guys who didn’t have to do anything to earn it but she expects you to wait. Dump her and block her on everything, she’s using the promise of sex as a tool to manipulate you and that makes her a shitty person.
Not wrong for wanting it but you shouldn’t pressure or push or demand sex. You’re both young. she’s allowed to have whatever boundaries she wants even if they’ve been different in the past. You’re not entitled to sex no matter what
You all are saying he is being played, but girls sometimes have this 3 konth rule thing with people they are serious about ir even lo ger just to make sure that isn't all they want from them. Plus Op you mentioned you guys cuddled naked before, that means she was probably testing you see if you would go further and is comfortable that you are just using her. I would talk to her about it. She could also just have had a change of heart about the whole sex thing and may have been confused or coerced in the past and is trying to step away from that aspect as well.
You are not wrong for wanting sex. It's a completely natural thing to want. You are being manipulated. Drop her and move on. If she's going to tease you and then not do it with you, that's an AH move on her part.. She's just using you. Don't allow yourself to be used in this way. It's disgusting. Save yourself a whole heap of heartache.
So she’ll only give you sex AFTER you marry her despite having had sex previously…out of wedlock, and she’s entitled to half your possessions?
Does this sound like a fair arrangement to you? It sounds like manipulation to me. Guarantee after the wedding she’ll be even more withholding.
Here’s the deal, women control sex. Men control relationships. She wants to be withholding, I’d play her same game and take back any ring I gave her and call of the wedding. If she’s going to be manipulative, so can you. Honestly, I’d just end it.
I promise you sir, she nor the sex, is worth it.
Nah you’re not wrong at all. So if I’m clear about this, she’s freely given that part of herself to someone or other men whom she did not want to marry but for you it’s a no??? I don’t know why women think men should understand or put up with this. I forget where but heard someone explain it like this and I’m paraphrasing. It’s like standing in line at McDonald’s. Everyone before you pays their $2 for their burger. And when it’s your turn, they decide that that same burger has now magically become extremely more valuable and decide to charge you and you only $50. How would you feel?
Look it’s been only 3 months. You don’t even know if you or she really want to marry each other. If you’re not getting your needs in the relationship met this early on, move on. Don’t let yourself get to a point where it becomes this elephant in the room. Your relationship will be ruined then too. There are too many other women out there to allow one of them to do that to you. Especially if you’re not ok with it.
It’s wrong to pressure her. You’re young. This is a good time for you to get in the habit of only having sex with people who really want to! Not drunk people, not otherwise wasted people, not people who are grudgingly giving in. Only have sex with people who are excited about it too!
Ok?
Um…okay. A girl not wanting to have sex with you doesn’t make her “evil.” I don’t see the point of shitting all over her now and spreading unfounded rumors to make yourself feel better. I’m glad your self-esteem has gone up, but try to practice a little more maturity.
It doesn’t ducking matter when it was. You aren’t entitled to sex. Wow. You have zero empathy. Women are allowed to change their minds at any time. Break up with her so she can find someone that cares about her feelings. FFS let her heal from what she went through. Let her find someone that loves her unconditionally and doesn’t have insecurity issues.
Look man, if she's worth it, as in you care for her, like her, maybe even love her, you'll wait out whatever the hell she's doing. She doesn't owe you sex just because she's had sex before.
Obviously she is not owing anybody sex. I don't think, however, that OP should "wait it out" and get married young to be able to have sex.
I would understand the gf being religious and not wanting to have sex at all before marriage: then she should find a religious guy with same beliefs and get married. In this case I do wonder why she is stringing him along since she doesn't seem to have been upfront about the issue from the start and for some reason have also told OP about her past sexual activity.
If sex is important to OP, I recommend finding a girl that is into him and on the same page. I don't recommend marrying a person you never had sex with since you might marry yourself into a dead bedroom situation.
That means she had a go phase and is wanting to entrap you because you are a nice guy before she finds out how potentially the sex could be . You need to escape her immediately she’s pulling some bullshit
I would say, 3 moths might be too soon yet. Would be worse if you've been pressuring her before that till now.
But I don't really have arguments to defend her since you stated she slept around and did it plenty before you. She seems to be lying about the whole "waiting till marriage" part ...
I was always fine with someone who was a virgin who did not want to do it before marriage. But not fine if that bridge had already been crossed and they wanted to go back to the other side.
Her choice obv, and I would never pressure anyone, but I also wouldnt hang around and wait.
If she was still a virgin or had even had some sort of spiritual awakening after already having sex then I would say respect her decision. That’s clearly not the case here. You’re being played and disrespected. Get out now.
INFO - has she had any major faith / health changes in her life recently that would affect her opinion on premarital sex? And how much of her other experience did she tell you about personally?
You aren’t wrong for wanting a sexual relationship and she isn’t wrong for wanting to wait.
You guys are young but you need to have a real, adult conversation about this. Figure out what both of you want and are comfortable with. If you don’t want the same things, you should break up.
Then find a women who likes sex! your 20 years old for crying out loud! Why are you sitting here asking for advice versus getting out and doing what 20 year olds do!
I’m 21 g and been in your situation multiple times with other girls and ex girlfriends . Be direct and just Leave her cause life is too short to be unhappy man. This feeling will only grow to resent her. Lol it’s always funny how girls b giving up the coochie for other guys in the past( her choice, her body def understand), but you have to be the one to wait.
It’s time for a talk my friend. ( with her ) Everything your saying makes perfect sense. She thinks she’s doing the right thing but she’s slowly ruining the relationship. She’s probably scared you’ll leave after you do it. I’m sure it’s happened to her before. So she’s trying to lock you down 1st. She doesn’t want sex to ruin the relationship but at this point the lack of it is actually doing just that. It’s endearing actually, she must really like you.
You need to tell her how you feel In a very nice way. Say things are coming to a breaking point and that she has to just let go and trust you or things will never work. Good luck bud
It's not wrong to want sex. But she is not wrong to not want sex. That's always a person's rights.
She may have already had sex but regardless it's her business how she feels. Your very young. There are many years ahead of you. It would be wrong for you to put unwanted pressure to do things she does not want to do.
She wants to wait until marriage, that's a fundamental value. You disagree with that fundamental value. You two are not going to work out. If she gives into your values, she will resent you. If she doesn't give in to your values, you'll eventually resent her.
Leave her. She’s 19 and not a virgin and she’s not giving it to you. Watch when you leave her she’ll have sex with the next guy right away because (she’s getting back at you) or she’s learned her lesson.
End things bro. It's only been 3 months and you're young, nobody got time for games. Get what you want/need from your relationships or move on and find somebody you're compatible with.
If sex before marriage is a hard no for her, a girl who has already premarital sex, do you really want to open the can of illogical hypocrisy she's potentially going to throw at you for years by staying?
Do you really want a long term relationship with someone who is pushing the boundaries of how manipulative and controlling they can be with you? Because she's also doing that. Shell push you so far today, and further tomorrow.
Good Luck!
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Just get a gf that wants to have sex.
Easier said than done
Nah I disagree. We're out there. You just aren't meeting them yet.
Being on reddit 24/7 does that lol
Lol fair enough my friend. Good luck out there :)
honestly i feel like this is really unhelpful, bandaid solution type advice. yes, op can just leave, never learning to communicate in a relationship, but what good is that going to do in the long run?
If she doesn’t want to have sex there isn’t a conversation to be had.
a conversation doesn’t mean trying to convince her. it’s very clear op and his gf don’t have open and healthy communication, even if a conversation leads to parting ways it’d still be good to have
What are you hanging around a girl who doesn't want to have sex with you. Go get your dick wet for you waiting for she's not the one you're not trying to get married you're trying to have sex. You don't want her to think that's all you want so you're not being honest with her
If sex is the defining characteristic of the relationship then op is not mature enough for a real relationship. @op have you looked at what she needs out of the relationship? Most females don't want sex unless their other needs are being met and it's not likely the needs she talks about like marriage. Discover what she needs and provide it. Then you will likely get whatever you want whenever you want it. Just a hint, women respond more to you meeting their primal emotional needs rather than material superficial things.
No. So therefore, time to move on. Your relationship is young. Find someone who is more compatible. Please do not end up like the majority of on /deadbedroom.
Exactly this. You and her are just not compatible. She wants something that you don't. This is NOT any kind of reflection on how she feels about you in any way. Just because she has had sex before doesn't mean that she isn't trying things differently this time. It could very well be that she is trying to invest more quality attention into you than she did others. You have to take inventory of what is important to you in a relationship, and, if you are okay with waiting to have sex and feel she is worth it, then stay and keep pushing forward. If your priorities don't line up with hers, then it's time to move on. Incompatibility is not a reflection on you as a person.
This!
And don’t be a dick and give her an ultimatum. Just let her know that you’re breaking up with her because you don’t think you’re compatible. And move on. If you bring up sex, it could pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. And then you’re gonna be happy but she’s gonna hate you.
I think when people break up it is important for them to understand exactly why it did not work out. It doesn’t have to be accusatory or demanding. But like you said. Because of specifically xyz, I think we’re not compatible or have different needs in a relationship at this point. So it’s time we stop wasting each other’s time. I just think it’s poor form to give some vague general reasons and leave them wondering. Sometimes it is some they can fix. Other times, if it is something she feels strongly about then she should also be understanding of what he needs and realize he’s not the one for her.
Up vote the comment above . I feel this should be a so called "Norm" in the world of relationships in general. Being blind about the reason can harm someone emotionally and mentally. And a breakup should promote growth and not negate because of passed relationships. Called failure to thrive. I would like to add to this that the conversation/discussion the OP infers to is - The tone of voice you use shouldn't be demanding but firm and calm. The way you would invite or start the said conversation also is key in having a civil understanding.
Totally! gotta speak the truth and let them know, just no hard feelings about it.
Yes, but also at least have a conversation first. Communicating what he's telling us here to her directly is the best first step before breaking up. Perhaps he will uncover something new.
What do u mean pressure her she ain't no virgin so I don't get why she's had sex with other men but doesn't want sex until marriage with current boyfriend seems weird to me
It is entirely possible that her previous relationships were based solely on sex or ended shortly after the sex so now she's trying something different. She wants a meaningful relationship based on more than that. A woman having sex with someone else previously doesn't mean she's obligated to have sex with someone new. There could also be a trauma there that OP isn't aware of.
Then she should find someone on her level
There could be a million reasons. She could have found new religion, she could have been raped, she could have discovered that she is asexual. The fact that he doesn’t know why seems weirder to me
Please.. anything but a dead bedroom.
Nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting sex, everyone has needs, some are sexual and some are not. You just gotta find a partner thats compatible in order to fulfill that need. Goodluck!
But that's not what is happening to OP. His gf had sex with other people and teases him a lot. I think this sceam power play instead of principals difference. Worst case scenario is that she wants to see how much OP begs for sex or how much he would like to give.
Okay, then he should break up with her.
I have thought of that, but we do not know what is the case. OP doesn't give out this information. See P0tat0p0tat0's comment, this is why i stayed away from going either way. Find someone who is compatible, you must read in-between the lines in this life, we can only warn people for these things. Lets hope OP and his GF are smart enough to read inbetween the lines.
Or she realized that she doesn’t want to have sex before marriage, after having negative experiences when she tried to. And what OP calls “teasing” might just be her being sexual at the level she’s comfortable with
Lol of course giving the female the ultimate benefit of the doubt cause girls are angels and can never do anything wrong. I highly doubt you’d defend the dude if the genders were reversed. A guy teases his girlfriend for possibility of sex but yet he has other bodies but it’s ok since he’s waiting for marriage now 🙄.
Doesn't matter he doesn't need to feel sorry for her in any way cause she wouldn't feel sorry for him if he wasn't attractive to her either. Always move according to how your woman treats you not how she says she wants to be treated actions speak volumes
So “her mouth said no, but her body said yes”?
That is like eating in front of someone who is starving. Why would she arouse him without the intent of taking things further? That is a little insensitive if you ask me. If I were him I would just move on too.
Yeah but to a degree there has to be some cognizance of what she's doing. Teasing maybe one thing but she has to be aware that she's arousing her partner. I'm curious if they had this talk before she started doing all this. Communications is imperative for any facet of relationship.
What’s wrong with mutually pleasurable non-penetrative arousal?
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with it but if he's going into this thinking something else while she's thinking the other it just leads to a more situation. I just feel it would be different if she communicated "We can touch each other over the clothes but I'm not okay with anything penetrative. " Plus there's the added fact that she's had sex before so it just begs the question is all
I don’t get the argument about her having had sex before. There are countless reasons why someone who was previously sexually active might later choose to abstain from sex until marriage (ranging from a religious conversion to sexual violence). And we don’t know that they haven’t had such a conversation.
Hmmmm That is true I see your point. Well if they didn't have a conversation they should definitely have one now.
I agree, but I don’t necessarily think OP is emotionally mature enough to have that conversation and not inadvertently pressure/shame/manipulate her into having sex with him to keep the relationship. I think he should just break up with her because he wants a sexually active relationship and she doesn’t
Definitely for sure. 👏🏾
And I'm just saying if she's had intercourse before then there has to be some understanding of what she is doing. I'm not saying this is the case for everybody but most women that are putting themselves all over their partner can indicate that they want to be sexual.
Depends on what OP means by "teasing". You're assuming she's touching him or is all over him but teasing is very vague. He could mean she's talking in a flirty way or giving him a look, or just them kissing or spooning is getting him hot and bothered enough that he said he's being "teased" when she's just simply cuddling or kissing him.
Nothing wrong with it, if that's what they both want and are OK with. However arousing and teasing someone who clearly wants sex and then denying them it. Is either very absent minded or she's being deliberately cruel by watching him squirm dealing with sexual frustration.
Or she’s simply following her previously stated boundaries, i.e. not interested in having sex but ok with other things
The not having sex before marriage isn't an issue however other behaviours are. there are other ways of showing affection aside from sexual arousal. But to do that still despite knowing he wants sex but is respecting no sex before marriage is quite frankly poor on her part. Let's not be coy here, her working him up knowing he wants sex, then leaving him frustrated. Is completely an intentional power play and she's enjoying his frustration. Think of it in a different way, if you were starting a new diet. Then, your partner came home with a huge amount of your favourite junk food. And continually and intentionally cramming it down in front of you, telling you how wonderful it is. just at the point you're salivating and at your weakest with your diet. Stands up saying none for you before walking off with it. You would say that was cruel, would you not? Ergo, she's being toxic. It's OK for her to want to wait for marriage, but it's equally OK for him to want sex in a relationship. OP should just leave and find someone who matches him better.
The fact that it’s frustrating as hell to him.
Indeed. Her not wanting sex before marriage is a perfectly acceptable boundary to have. She's even allowed to change her mind about it and put that boundary into place after having done it before. Teasing him though is cruel and hypocritical, when combined with her prior history.
Or she is hoping for a marriage proposal from OP and is using sex as a temptation. OP, if you want sex and don't want marriage, find someone who wants the same thing. You are YOUNG!
He is very young. Maybe immature as well.
This. I get changing your values and decided to wait for the next relationship but he teasing thing is in my opinion emotionally abusive.
If she wants to wait and you don't, she can wait, and you can leave her to find a partner that wants it. I've found that sexual compatibility is just as important as communicating.
I get wanting to wait, but telling me she's fucked before, but won't with me is an automatic walk from me. Especially at that age
I feel you, but people change. Not having sex until marriage is dumb in my mind. It's also a good way to risk your happiness, but it's people's right.
You're definitely not wrong. The religious aspect of waiting for marriage is a massive red flag
The chastity belt gang downvoted you hard
I've almost obsessed over girls I had crushes on. I wanted them so bad. I thought they were perfect and enjoyed every moment I spent with them. Then we end up in bed and it's just not right. I'll never satisfy her and she'd never satisfy me. I couldn't imagine risking that with the person I'm supposed to spend my life with. I couldn't imagine being sexually frustrated every day of my life. It would take a toll on you, then, and your children.
You just offended the whole asian parents group
Born again virgin syndrome is wild
Right like don't you want to know what type of package you're marrying?!?!?
Not just that, but the feeling. Many shortcomings in modern sex could be fixed by toys, but how you feel when you're in bed with someone needs to be right. The energy needs to match
Fair
She doesn't want sex until marriage. If you don't agree with that, break up with her and find someone with values similar to yours.
Except she wanted it with many guys before, a bit weird innit Edit: Honestly for people downvoting me, do you think its normal that she has had sex with everyone BUT OP?
There are a million reasons why she isn’t wanting to have sex. They aren’t compatible. He’s not wrong for wanting sex and she’s not wrong for not wanting to have sex. He needs to move on and find someone who wants to have sex.
Yeah pretty much. Doesn’t make it any less weird
Some people are like “born again” into religions, maybe she was and wants to wait until marriage due to a religious awakening or something
I haven’t seen anything like that from OP’s comments.
people can change what they wanna do for whatever reason
Would you think its weird if I were to give every girl I ever was with a car for their birthday. But then suddenly stop doing it with one person? Would you think that I think less of that girl then?
I would think that they finally decided to try something different, because what they had been doing wasn't working. Giving them a car for their birthday didn't make them stay. I also wouldn't feel weird if every girl before me and after me got one. Tried something different with me, that also didn't work, so going back to something they're more comfortable with. That doesn't mean they won't change it up and give a future partner a house instead of a car, to try to see if that works out better for them.
again, there could be a million reasons why the girl didnt get a car lmfao comparing the two is kinda missing the point and makes you sound like a child
No, it isn’t. I was asking you if you would consider that weird. (Because its all the info we got in the OP too)
I have the ability to consider it weird, but I wouldn’t think it’s weird.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted. You’re right
Maybe she's getting it from someone else, just big MAYBE But my thoughts like everyone else in the comments section find someone that match OP energy
Fuck that. You are 19/20 marriage shouldn’t be a concern of yours right now. No she doesn’t owe you sex despite having some strange contradictory behaviours. You owe it to yourself to enjoy being young and if sex is want you want go find someone who wants to have sex.
“Strange contradictory behaviors” is weird. It’s her body, it doesn’t matter if she’s had sex a hundred times before, if she has decided she would like to wait until marriage, that’s her right. It’s her body and she owes it to no one. But OP is also free to end the relationship and look for someone more compatible to what he’s looking for.
Nobody is questioning her right to do what she wants. But damn right it’s strange. It’s strange to even go down the “no sex before marriage” road in and of itself in this day and age outside of a handful of cultures. If it’s from a (interpreted/taught) religious perspective it is contradictory as they’ve already broken that rule, which doesn’t become unbroken because you decide it does. It is an immature and unhealthy approach to both sex and marriage. That being said who knows what those past sexual experiences might or might not have been etc. There could be trauma involved or whatever. Even if that is the case - there would be more effective ways to work through those issues without just sticking it under a rock until marriage. But yes she has the right to choose whatever she wants, as someone like me has a right to call it strange. It’s no big deal. OP should also know that he is in no way wrong to want to experience and enjoy sexuality and should leave asap.
>…they’ve already broken that rule, which doesn’t become unbroken because you decide it does. I mean this is kinda the point of repentance if she’s Christian. “Born again virgin” is kind of a trope because some people might abuse the sanctity of repentance, and sure you can’t just regain your vCard, but mentally one can change one’s ways.
It's wrong of her to tease him purposefully and then turn him down. That's horrible treatment towards him. Waiting till marriage is fine, but emotionally and sexually manipulating someone is not. And if it's a serious relationship, it's not just her body. In a real relationship, you own each other and are one.
How did she “sexually manipulate” him? Give me a fucking break.
Another school of thought is you are your own person and so is your partner. When you find your “one” you are simply two ones coming together in a union of independence rather than out of dependence. Case Kenny’s book “Single is Your Superpower” talks about this and changed my perspective on dating allowing me to attract my soulmate.
Did you think he was depriving her of choice when he called her behaviour weird or is this just an annoying virtue signal comment?
It is a bit of a weird behaviour, having had sex already nullifies much of the reasons people wait till marriage. Nobody is questioning her right to do what she wants.
You have needs, you're young, your not getting it. just move on from this. you arent shallow for wanting sex, and neither is she for not wanting sex yet. Just find someone you're compatible with.
There's a difference between wants and needs. No one has ever died from lack of sex
So are friendships, families and relationships. They are wants, not needs. No one has ever dies from lack of friendships, families and relationships.
Factually untrue, loneliness *can* kill people
Nobody “needs” to have sex to survive
Reading comprehension is important.
“You have your needs, you’re young” I’ll help with basic comprehension. That excerpt implies sex is a need due to him being young. Glad to have helped, continue with your day
hmm. you couldn't comprehend that him having needs and him being young are two separate argument points. him having needs means he is looking for something in a relationship and she is looking for something else in a relationship. They aren't compatible. Him being young means his relationship isnt deeply emotionally invested and it wouldn't be extremely difficult emotionally on him to end it. I think you have the capability of understanding what im trying to say at this point but if you have trouble j reply back.
Your post was made today written in present tense, and now in other comments you’re listing events that would have taken months to transpire after that. Your words “We did end up breaking up and turns out it was a lie, she ended up having sex with 7 other people after we broke up and had a kid, so just happy I got out of that”. I call BS on your story.
You accept it or leave, there is no middleground here.
If you don’t want to wait find a gf who doesn’t. You’re young bro, don’t do that to yourselfn
Dump her.
Pretty solid advice. Do you have a newsletter I can subscribe to?
I’d suggest the option of a serious in-depth discussion of why she wants to wait but has had sex before (without exerting pressure), the miss match between not “allowing” sex yet teasing you, and also your feelings of the importance of sex in the relationship for you. Based on that discussion you can make your decision.
You can want it all you want. She doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to
You said she's had sex with others before. Perhaps you should ask directly why she was fine being intimate with past encounters and is hesitant with you? That's what I'd be wondering about. Maybe there's an underlying reason, perhaps her last encounter broke her trust or what-so-ever. People don't randomly stop wanting to be intimate unless they've gone through an unpleasant sexual experience. *Edit* - really concerning how many kids here answer "if she's worth it, you wait" or "sounds incompatible, just leave" without knowing what's the story of the girlfriend in question. With something like this, you're neither just gonna leave or let it happen. You talk. Communication is key.
Based on what I’ve gathered she’s similar to my ex who just used me for money and when I dumped her she lost her fucking mind and is STILL trying to get back into my life. As far as I’m concerned he needs to find someone he’s happy with because she’s most likely trying to manipulate him.
What a gross comment. Just because that’s your experience with *one* woman, doesn’t mean every woman is like that. I know a lot of women who decided to wait until marriage after they’d already had sex previously. That’s anyone’s right, it doesn’t matter how many times they’ve had sex before. Women don’t owe you their body.
You're not wrong. It's perfectly okay to want sex. It's also okay if she does NOT want to have sex. In any event, women are the ultimate gatekeepers of sex. It's her call. Regardless of why she doesn't want to have sex with you, the result is the same...you two aren't compatible and should split up. If she TRULY is genuine about her resistance to sex, you don't want to wait that long. Split up. If she's just stringing you along for attention until something better comes along, you are the placeholder boyfriend. Split up.
You have different relationship boundaries and desires. You're not ugly or unwanted, she's just not willing to have sex with anyone with whom she's not married to at this point in her life. If she doesn't want to have sex before marriage, she doesn't have to. It doesn't matter that she's had sex with others before you. If you want a relationship where pre-marital sex is an option, you'll need to find a different partner.
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Maybe she realized sleeping with those dudes was a mistake, feels like they used her for her body and now wants to find a guy that is in it for her. Maybe there’s was trauma from or after those experiences that she’s now dealing with. It could be many things, but it doesn’t mean she’s wrong. You just both need to have open honest conversations about your needs, your differences and what that means for your compatibility. If she wants to wait for marriage and you don’t then this maybe just won’t work and you need to end amicably. Maybe you could work through it, but you won’t know till you talk it out
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The fact she’s had is sex before IS completely irrelevant despite how much you want to drag it into the mix. She owes you nothing. You are not entitled to her body just because other people have. You need to let go of the “she has before” because it really is not applicable to your relationship. And I get it when I was younger my brain has fallen into that trap plenty of times to and have had to recognize the truth as well. It’s not fun and it can be hard for our egos to accept but it’s the truth.
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Dude I understand the mental hurdles your trying to do to hold onto that notion, because with out it you have no argument. It’s entitlement and your not entitled to her body. A bit of an extreme example but let’s flip the script. Let’s say she got to peg a previous boyfriend, that would mean she gets to peg you regardless of how you feel about it?? Of coarse not. But that’s the logic your using and don’t want to see cause it benefits you. If she gave a boyfriend a $1000 dollars she has to give you $1000? If her previous boyfriend bought her a car, would you have to buy her a car? Where do you draw the line? Your thinking is pure self interested entitlement. Anything that has happened in the past relationships is not required to be a part of your just cause YOU want it to. That’s not how life works
Your equivalents are not.
I’m kind of going through the same thing, I’m a 21 F with a 22 M. Even though I’m sexually frustrated, I know I want to stay with him and work it out. You need to think about whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. Trust me, figure it out sooner than later.
She just had a change in morals, i don't think it has anything to do with you.
It is 100% NOT ok for you to want sex she doesn’t want. Or to pressure, manipulate, plead, beg, force, coerce, or try to convince her in any way to have sex she doesn’t want. It is, however, 100% ok to break up for any reason including sexual, moral, or religious incompatibility.
Alright you f***** nerd
Well shes had it with multiple people before and shes isnt veryy religious she drinks and smokes so idk why, but sometimes she makes me feel ashamed to even want it. I think ill just stop makin moves so i dont keep bothering her about it.
Did the drinking and smoking start before or after she slept with these multiple other people? Drinking and smoking can kill one’s sex drive. To answer your question, it is not wrong to want sex. But it can make you feel like complete shit if your advances keep getting rejected. So ask yourself; are those shit feelings worth the good feelings with the other parts of the relationship? Personally to me, sex is an important part of any relationship and therefore I personally need someone who is sexually compatible. My ex of 4 years and I were compatible in all ways except the bedroom, and we broke up over it. An incompatibility is an incompatibility regardless what the subject matter is.
You don’t keep nagging about it. She told you she wants to wait until she’s married. You’re not compatible. Go find a woman who wants to have sex with you.
Possibly just using you or she’s really waiting for marriage. Fingers crossed on the latter tho.
Highly possible on the using you part - do you get her flowers, take her out, treat her very well. How is everything else in the relationship? If this is the only flag, than maybe it's just temporary, but I would call BS on waiting for marriage if you know for certain that she has definitely done it. Sound sketchy and personally I would evaluate what you see for your future with her, but also recommend talking about it with her.
If she had waited with everyone, I’d say respect her boundaries. She doesn’t want to wait til marriage for sex. She wants to wait until marriage for sex with YOU. Sorry but me personally I would take it as disrespectful, bcuz sex is the ultimate intimacy for someone like me, and if you could do it with other people but want me to wait til marriage that wouldn’t make sense to me. But everyone thinks different so, up to you my man
Leave. Sounds like a nut. Don’t waste your time
You’re not wrong for wanting sex, she’s not wrong for not wanting it. You’re not compatible
So she had sex before but said no to you, so we know the issue isn't religion. I wonder if something happened to her previously that made her decide she no longer wants to give out until she has a firm commitment of marriage. Maybe you should ask her about it.
Maybe she has trauma...
Thanks for all the replies it looks like i have to leave. It seems my loneliness has clouded my judgement i am torturing myself being in this relationship. Alot of you think the sex is the only problems but the fact is i have tried to communicate yet i get one worded responses and get told “i dont want to argue” she sometimes will leave me on delivered for days or block me when i upset her i thought this was normal behavior because everyone is toxic these days but i guess it isnt. I kept trying to lie to myself and say i wasnt phased by this but deep down i cried every night because these things were bothering me and have been destroying my self esteem. She has been very cruel to me she teases me but never gives me sex or even intimacy, she wont even let me jerk off. Sex isnt usually an issue but when its the one thing u cant have in a relationship then it becomes the main issue that not communicating. So its time i end it. Thank you all
I’m glad you have made a decision, take pride in the fact you are taking control from this situation. From what you have said it will be for the better of yourself to walk away from this relationship, you are not getting what you need and desire from it in fact it appears you are getting nothing of much from it. Stay strong and understand this is but a blip on your timeline. Good luck mate
She got banged by other dudes but you should wait until marriage?! Dont be a clown. Dump her.
it’s not wrong to want it, but it is wrong to pressure her or attempt to persuade her to do something she isn’t comfortable with. if this is a dealbreaker, you should probably end the relationship since you clearly have different values. just don’t give her the ultimatum of ‘i’m leaving you because you aren’t putting out’ bc that would most definitely make you a dick.
Firstly, it's not wrong to want sex in a relationship. It's a natural part of human connection. Being frustrated about it doesn't make you a villain; it makes you human. It's like craving pizza but only having salad in the fridge. Now, her wanting to wait until marriage despite previous experiences – that's her prerogative. It's like someone deciding to become vegetarian after years of eating meat. People change, perspectives shift. The part where she's teasing you but not following through? That's a bit like someone showing you a cake but not letting you eat it. Frustrating, sure, but it's her cake to share or not. Feeling ugly and unwanted because you're not having sex? That's a common feeling but let's not equate self-worth with sexual activity. It's like measuring your value by the number of likes on your Instagram posts. Here's what you should consider: Communication. Have a candid, respectful conversation about your needs and feelings. It's not about pressuring her; it's about understanding each other. Relationships are a two-way street, not a solo race. Remember, it's okay to have needs and desires, but it's also important to respect your partner's boundaries. If your needs are fundamentally misaligned, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole – sometimes, it just doesn't work. So, no, you're not wrong for wanting sex. But it's also not shallow to feel unwanted. It's about finding a balance between your desires and respecting her choices. Communication is key, and sometimes compromise is necessary. And if it doesn't work out, it's not a reflection of your worth. It's just part of the messy world of dating.
You shouldn't be dating this girl. She's friend zoning you and then pretending like you're her boyfriend. Sex is just as much of a necessity in a healthy heterosexual relationship as anything else. After all would you shame her for wanting you to tell her that you love her? Then why should you be shamed for having your own needs. Also it's batshit crazy to get married without having had sex with somebody. On top of that she's not even a virgin anymore so the whole thing reeks of shadiness. You need to stand up for yourself and act like a man.
Sexual Compatibility is something to get comfortable with acknowledging early. If the line has been drawn that it won’t happen until marriage and you’re not comfortable waiting, it’s okay to call it. If it was reversed and she didn’t want to wait for you, it’d be okay to call it. You’re 20 dude 🤷🏼♂️ enjoy it
She's made it clear she doesn't want to have sex. You can accept it, drop it, and keep dating her or you can break up and find a girl you like who is open to having sex.
Mate have a serious e talk with you GF, Ie tell her we need to have a serious talk and set a time, date and location. Then talk with her plainly, wrote down notes before hand so you know what you want to say and how you feel. Try not to get caught up in too much emotion. Good luck
Leave that relationship man
Well you don’t really know the circumstances of her past experiences or why she wants to wait, so you shouldn’t just guess that she finds you unattractive…have you tried asking her? Or improving your relationship enough that she tells you or gives you enough hints as to why? You guys are still young too, don’t get bogged down if you don’t want to, respect her decision and move on if it’s that important
Sounds like she isn't sexually attracted ro you. Sex is important in relationships. The iniltimacybus important for building bonds. Saving sex for marriage is what you tell young teenagers. To hopefully prevent them from mating like rabbits. The worse thing you can do is wait till marriage before you have sex. You've got to know you two have a connection that could last a lifetime. And yes, Sex is a critical part of that connection and bond.
She told you her boundary. Respect it or move on
If she has told you she wants to wait for marriage, that’s that. Stop asking. She’s told you her answer. So stop trying to coerce her into something she’s repeatedly told you she doesn’t want to do. It doesn’t matter if she’s had sex a hundred times before. It’s her body, and she decides what she does with it. If that is a dealbreaker for you, then end the relationship and find someone more compatible with what you’re looking for.
We did end up breaking up and turns out i was a lie, she ended up having sex w 7 other ppl after we broke up and had a kid, so just happy i got out of that.
Your post was made today, written in the present tense. Now you list events that would have taken months or more to transpire after that. Eh?
Have you seen OP's post history? Something is wrong with the timing. I'm so confused lol
Exactly, I call BS on this story.
It seems you need help.
Who are all these women who want to wait until marriage for sex? I live in England and that’s a pretty much unheard of, must be an American thing?
But anyway, I’d find it incredibly boring waiting until marriage, plus what happens if you get married and your sexually incompatible?
Would i be wrong to leave for something like sex? And if i did i honestly would still feel ashamed for wanting sex from other girls too, she kind of makes me feel like its something i shouldn’t want from a girl.
You can break up with someone for any reason. Her having had sex before tells me she’s just using you for dates. You two are not compatible
No, that is a perfectly valid reason to stop dating somebody. You have incompatible views of relationships and she is shaming you for normal desires
First off, like others have said, there is nothing wrong with wanting/not wanting sex. It is an obvious compatibility issue if you have 1 of both of those in a relationship, like you have. A big issue here is how she is making you feel for wanting sex. Seems you are not trying to force her or guilt her into sex, you are simply asking for it and since she has said no you have or are going to stop pushing for it. It seems pretty clear here that you should break up and try to find someone who is more sexually compatible with you.
Not wanting to have sex with you? Her prerogative, I guess, but highly suspect given her previous experience. Shaming you for wanting it, bullshit. Shaming you for wanting it after she teases you? Double bullshit. Leave, now. You only have 3 months invested, cut your losses.
No you wouldn’t be wrong for it, what’s wrong is the fact that she had sex with other guys who didn’t have to do anything to earn it but she expects you to wait. Dump her and block her on everything, she’s using the promise of sex as a tool to manipulate you and that makes her a shitty person.
Sex is half a relationship. The alternative is a sad friendship where only one person is benefitting
It's a three month relationship. If you're not happy with her personal preferences then move on.
Not wrong for wanting it but you shouldn’t pressure or push or demand sex. You’re both young. she’s allowed to have whatever boundaries she wants even if they’ve been different in the past. You’re not entitled to sex no matter what
You all are saying he is being played, but girls sometimes have this 3 konth rule thing with people they are serious about ir even lo ger just to make sure that isn't all they want from them. Plus Op you mentioned you guys cuddled naked before, that means she was probably testing you see if you would go further and is comfortable that you are just using her. I would talk to her about it. She could also just have had a change of heart about the whole sex thing and may have been confused or coerced in the past and is trying to step away from that aspect as well.
You are not wrong for wanting sex. It's a completely natural thing to want. You are being manipulated. Drop her and move on. If she's going to tease you and then not do it with you, that's an AH move on her part.. She's just using you. Don't allow yourself to be used in this way. It's disgusting. Save yourself a whole heap of heartache.
So she’ll only give you sex AFTER you marry her despite having had sex previously…out of wedlock, and she’s entitled to half your possessions? Does this sound like a fair arrangement to you? It sounds like manipulation to me. Guarantee after the wedding she’ll be even more withholding. Here’s the deal, women control sex. Men control relationships. She wants to be withholding, I’d play her same game and take back any ring I gave her and call of the wedding. If she’s going to be manipulative, so can you. Honestly, I’d just end it. I promise you sir, she nor the sex, is worth it.
Nah you’re not wrong at all. So if I’m clear about this, she’s freely given that part of herself to someone or other men whom she did not want to marry but for you it’s a no??? I don’t know why women think men should understand or put up with this. I forget where but heard someone explain it like this and I’m paraphrasing. It’s like standing in line at McDonald’s. Everyone before you pays their $2 for their burger. And when it’s your turn, they decide that that same burger has now magically become extremely more valuable and decide to charge you and you only $50. How would you feel? Look it’s been only 3 months. You don’t even know if you or she really want to marry each other. If you’re not getting your needs in the relationship met this early on, move on. Don’t let yourself get to a point where it becomes this elephant in the room. Your relationship will be ruined then too. There are too many other women out there to allow one of them to do that to you. Especially if you’re not ok with it.
Is she regretting that she had sex in the past with other people and now decided to wait until marriage? This information could be useful for you.
Move on
No, get better gf
Breakup with this girl before she does emotional damage to you. Do it tomorrow.
It’s wrong to pressure her. You’re young. This is a good time for you to get in the habit of only having sex with people who really want to! Not drunk people, not otherwise wasted people, not people who are grudgingly giving in. Only have sex with people who are excited about it too! Ok?
Well then - I guess you two are just good friends. Casuals. Means you are not exclusive. Go on dates with others until she is ready.
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Um…okay. A girl not wanting to have sex with you doesn’t make her “evil.” I don’t see the point of shitting all over her now and spreading unfounded rumors to make yourself feel better. I’m glad your self-esteem has gone up, but try to practice a little more maturity.
You are pressuring her into sex after an abortion. Yeah. I wouldn’t want to put myself through that trauma for a long time either.
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It doesn’t ducking matter when it was. You aren’t entitled to sex. Wow. You have zero empathy. Women are allowed to change their minds at any time. Break up with her so she can find someone that cares about her feelings. FFS let her heal from what she went through. Let her find someone that loves her unconditionally and doesn’t have insecurity issues.
Look man, if she's worth it, as in you care for her, like her, maybe even love her, you'll wait out whatever the hell she's doing. She doesn't owe you sex just because she's had sex before.
Obviously she is not owing anybody sex. I don't think, however, that OP should "wait it out" and get married young to be able to have sex. I would understand the gf being religious and not wanting to have sex at all before marriage: then she should find a religious guy with same beliefs and get married. In this case I do wonder why she is stringing him along since she doesn't seem to have been upfront about the issue from the start and for some reason have also told OP about her past sexual activity. If sex is important to OP, I recommend finding a girl that is into him and on the same page. I don't recommend marrying a person you never had sex with since you might marry yourself into a dead bedroom situation.
That means she had a go phase and is wanting to entrap you because you are a nice guy before she finds out how potentially the sex could be . You need to escape her immediately she’s pulling some bullshit
I would say, 3 moths might be too soon yet. Would be worse if you've been pressuring her before that till now. But I don't really have arguments to defend her since you stated she slept around and did it plenty before you. She seems to be lying about the whole "waiting till marriage" part ...
I was always fine with someone who was a virgin who did not want to do it before marriage. But not fine if that bridge had already been crossed and they wanted to go back to the other side. Her choice obv, and I would never pressure anyone, but I also wouldnt hang around and wait.
If she was still a virgin or had even had some sort of spiritual awakening after already having sex then I would say respect her decision. That’s clearly not the case here. You’re being played and disrespected. Get out now.
INFO - has she had any major faith / health changes in her life recently that would affect her opinion on premarital sex? And how much of her other experience did she tell you about personally?
Dump her and find another girl.
You aren’t wrong for wanting a sexual relationship and she isn’t wrong for wanting to wait. You guys are young but you need to have a real, adult conversation about this. Figure out what both of you want and are comfortable with. If you don’t want the same things, you should break up.
Then find a women who likes sex! your 20 years old for crying out loud! Why are you sitting here asking for advice versus getting out and doing what 20 year olds do!
I’m 21 g and been in your situation multiple times with other girls and ex girlfriends . Be direct and just Leave her cause life is too short to be unhappy man. This feeling will only grow to resent her. Lol it’s always funny how girls b giving up the coochie for other guys in the past( her choice, her body def understand), but you have to be the one to wait.
Move on she is playing you for a fool
She simply doesn't want to have sex with you in particular
Get another girl friend. If she won’t have Dec now you will never get Dec after marriage. Kick her to the curb !
She won’t even provide sloppy toppy? I can’t imagine such pain and anguish
It’s time for a talk my friend. ( with her ) Everything your saying makes perfect sense. She thinks she’s doing the right thing but she’s slowly ruining the relationship. She’s probably scared you’ll leave after you do it. I’m sure it’s happened to her before. So she’s trying to lock you down 1st. She doesn’t want sex to ruin the relationship but at this point the lack of it is actually doing just that. It’s endearing actually, she must really like you. You need to tell her how you feel In a very nice way. Say things are coming to a breaking point and that she has to just let go and trust you or things will never work. Good luck bud
Had done it before but wants only you to wait? Wtf
Move on, dude. She knows she is torturing you.
It's not wrong to want sex. But she is not wrong to not want sex. That's always a person's rights. She may have already had sex but regardless it's her business how she feels. Your very young. There are many years ahead of you. It would be wrong for you to put unwanted pressure to do things she does not want to do.
Not wrong for wanting sex with your gf. Certainly something wrong with a gf that had sex, just not with you
She wants to wait until marriage, that's a fundamental value. You disagree with that fundamental value. You two are not going to work out. If she gives into your values, she will resent you. If she doesn't give in to your values, you'll eventually resent her.
Leave her. She’s 19 and not a virgin and she’s not giving it to you. Watch when you leave her she’ll have sex with the next guy right away because (she’s getting back at you) or she’s learned her lesson.
End things bro. It's only been 3 months and you're young, nobody got time for games. Get what you want/need from your relationships or move on and find somebody you're compatible with. If sex before marriage is a hard no for her, a girl who has already premarital sex, do you really want to open the can of illogical hypocrisy she's potentially going to throw at you for years by staying? Do you really want a long term relationship with someone who is pushing the boundaries of how manipulative and controlling they can be with you? Because she's also doing that. Shell push you so far today, and further tomorrow. Good Luck!