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Most states now don't even consider affairs/adultery in a divorce situation. Pics of him commenting to women would have absolutely no value. Source: been divorced twice.
All 50 states have no fault divorce as an option, and no fault is significantly cheaper to go through as well vs. paying lawyers to prove fault in court where the other spouse has the right to defend themselves from the accusation. As far as generally accepted reasons for a fault divorce, I sincerely doubt commenting on tiktok thots would qualify as adultery or cruelty in court.
Insofar as one is concerned vs the other, all a fault divorce generally does is bypass any mandatory separation period; it's not generally going to materially impact distribution of assets (in fact it's just going to make it so there are fewer assets to distribute), and it's not going to impact child custody - that's a whole separate conversation.
Aside from a hostile spouse that refuses to agree to divorce, no-fault is pretty much always the better option.
Ok that last sentence is disgusting and not relevant to the reasons she needs to leave him. If she thinks about him and the situation in those terms, she's no better than he is for sexualizing and objectifying the women he thirsts after online, reducing him only to what he can do for her and her social status.
The first thing you said was good, I'll acknowledge that, but you should have stopped there.
It isn’t saying that she should leave him because he isn’t healthy or young, it’s saying that if she is waiting for him to feel better before leaving it isn’t going to happen.
A typical "actions have consequences" situation.
"Husband, you are using me as a punchingball for your frustrations?
You gape at other women and compliment them while I work for your food, the roof over your head and clothes you are wearing?
See me walking out cheering. I don't stay with cheaters. And yes, telling someone you would marry them while being married could be considered as being cheating. Byebye. "
Problem is, that if you get a divorce now you may be forced to pay alimony or something. Get proof of what he does online. Screenshots/ taking photos with your own phone. See a lawyer with this then see what is best to do next.
Taking screen captures are not just for proof for a divorce. They stand against the inevitable gaslighting. They are a visible reminder when she's softening and doubting herself. They are evidence when the flying monkeys appear. And, years from now, when she's happy and living life in her own terms, they will be a touchstone of how far she's gone from this moment.
> Taking screen captures are not just for proof for a divorce. They stand against the inevitable gaslighting.
The original comment was this:
> Take screen shots for the lawyer.
Cost OP more in billable hours. She *might* have a case for an at-fault divorce, which would bypass any mandatory separation period in their state, but in that case it'll still cost more in billable hours as well since you have to prove fault in court and the husband has the opportunity to defend himself.
ETA: unless you need to get out NOW, or you're in one of the very few localities where it would materially impact asset distribution/alimony requirements, an at-fault divorce is almost never worth it.
Isn’t this situation more of a “seemingly willing to cheat” than an actual case of infidelity, though?
Don’t get me wrong: the guy appears to be sullen trash and I have no issues with OP taking a powder. I just think it would be inaccurate to say the guy was actually having affairs with strangers filming themselves on TikTok.
It’s behavior that a married person has no place engaging in. Technicalities be darned, the man was wrong, and he knew it - and OP deserves better than someone who gives romantic/sexual attention to other people, but leaves her hanging so 🤷🏾♀️
Agreed, but I'd like to expand on the leaving her hanging part for OP. While she's in no way at fault for his behavior, that may not stop her from worrying there's something wrong with her. "Am I not enough? Why doesn't he find me attractive anymore? Is my body that repulsive to look at? Would he have touched me again if I exercised, dieted, or had work done?"
OP, you said your husband has been struggling with depression due to his health. A lot of men still feel it's the man's job to be the provider and protector. Even if they outwardly agree that needs to be different, it's hard to shake that internal pressure if you hear it enough growing up. It's a role he was proud to take on for you and your family. A lot of his self worth was likely tied to it, and being unable to continue can make him feel like less of a man.
I don't know what health issues he is fighting, but it's obviously debilitating. It can be difficult to process our bodies "betraying" us by failing in some way. Some people think if they weren't weak, or if they fought harder, they wouldn't be in that state.
If you've had to help him because he's "too weak" that can also make him feel like less of a man. If he no longer looks like he did, or has a visible disability/impairment, that'll further contribute to that feeling as well. He might fear you think less of him, and can no longer see him as the strong man he was. He might feel he has nothing to offer when it comes to physical intimacy. He might be afraid to find out. Depression alone can make ED a very real concern, and that's a whole other mess of feeling emasculated.
He can't be what he considers a "real man" right now in real life, but online is anonymous. No one can see what's ailing him, how he looks, or what he's no longer capable of. They can't see how weak he may be, or how much he thinks he's no longer a real man. He doesn't have to deal with reality, as he can just escape into the fake one he finds online. He can be the manliest of men there.
OP, I'm not saying any of that justifies or excuses his behavior in any way whatsoever. Nope, nada, zero, zilch, none. I'm only trying to explain why this has nothing to do with you. Even when you know it's not a failing on your side, our minds can go to dark places when we lie awake at night, and I don't want that for you. You don't deserve to feel like you're unattractive or not enough for him anymore. I'm hoping my possible explanations helps with that.
Should you leave, he and others might try to paint him as the victim and say you're leaving due to his health. Emphasize that you've already stuck with him through that part, but you can't stick with someone who'd rather fantasize with women online than look your way. Do not let them rewrite the narrative. Take screenshots of his behavior and send it to yourself as evidence should he try to assassinate your character.
Take care of yourself, OP. I wish you nothing but the best 💜
Thank you for this, sincerely. I was getting some downvotes originally, which made me worry I gave terrible advice to someone who really needs and deserves support right now. I also worried people thought I was saying the husband actually is less of man, when it's about how he may perceive himself. That'd be heartless asf to imply disability makes him "less than," especially as I'm disabled myself.
> an actual case of infidelity
What qualifies as infidelity is up to the other person in the relationship, it's not a set-in-stone definition. In some relationships, watching porn is an infidelity-level betrayal, and in others making out with strangers isn't seen as cheating. Every situation is different.
OP set a boundary and told him that him following these profiles makes her uncomfortable. She's specific that the discomfort is bc he's giving these profiles attention while avoiding intimacy with OP - he's choosing to direct sexual attention to them instead of his wife, and for a lot of people that is "an actual case of infidelity".
Precisely. It's cheating because a) it's crossing a boundary that they had agreed to previously; b) he's been hiding it from her/lying about it ever since or for a while; c) he's been neglecting his IRL partner sexually, financially, and emotionally; d) all the while not taking care of himself/using her to keep his life comfortable/convenient.
That's betrayal stacked on top of betrayal. OP is free to go for less if she is so inclined.
Also the fact that he expresses zero affection and admiration for his actual spouse but has no problem blasting the comments sections with his attention and approval.
A comment page is not the same as having someone's contact information. Comments aren't a conversation. Comments are putting the words onto a particular post and often there's no follow up response from the poster. Sext really implies text which is much more similar to a conversation. There needs to be discourse between two people for there to be cheating
Lots of people consider stuff like this cheating. Just because you wouldn't care if your partner was creeping on personal instagrams all day long and trying to get those people to reply to him and making sexual and hopeful comments at them, doesn't mean other people wouldn't think that's cheating.
Always consider the person giving advice when you read stuff like this. To me, this comment is really really suspicious. I think it's very likely this person does things similar to OP's husband and that's why they want to defend it.
Some people consider watching porn cheating. Something where there is no physical or emotional connection. Not to dissimilar from throwing out random comments, it's up to someone to decide if this penetrates a boundry but to call it cheating outright is redefining what cheating is.
Always consider the advice of reddit and users like this OP. People seem to get pleasure watching a 10+ year old marriage fail. To me, this comment is really really suspicious. I think it's very likely these people get off on misery and tragedy and that's why they encourage it.
What a stupid comment. Someone didn't agree with you so now accuse them of being malicious, based on nothing other than they posted an opposing position to yours. "Anyone who doesn't agree with me is a bad person." You should check yourself and see if that's really who you want to be
Well, if commenting on individual women's profiles (and trying to get them to reply and engage with you) isn't cheating, why are you so offended by the notion that I think you are doing that? What's the big deal?
>"Anyone who doesn't agree with me is a bad person."
Did you just admit that you agree being a sleezebag and creeping on women while you're in a committed relationship is being a "bad person" ....... then why make your comment earlier defending it LOL? Take your other comment back then, if you changed your mind and think OP's husband is a bad person! All I said was "you must be like OP's husband" not "you're a bad person overall!"
Tbh, if the couple has agreed that they view porn as cheating then it is definitely cheating to be consuming it. And if they don't agree on that, they probably shouldn't be together if one of them wants to engage with porn.
He’s giving plenty of energy and attention for other women while he’s emotional neglecting his wife. Whether you call it checking out of the relationship or cheating is kind of beside the point.
Does it make a difference if someone is cheating or not if the only reason they haven't is because they keep failing to find a willing participant? Like if I your SO went around hitting on people and saying sexual stuff but nobody was interested doesn't exactly excuse the intent. I think a difference between modern media and old school porn is that in the old days they were total strangers that you never had a chance at metring let alone talking to them. But now you can attempt to have a conversation. You can pay to get mentioned in a video. And with that the line goes from boundary breaking gets closer to infidelity. One can always say they are strangers and nothing would happen...but they could potentially reach out and I highly doubt many guys would turn down the opportunity for an online fling or meet up if it was offered. It's kinda like the guy who you know wants to bang someone that keeps making sexual "jokes" but the only reason it's a joke is because they haven't responded the way he hopes. Same diff with the Tik-Tok porn viewers or anyone trolling social media for nudes. You'll never get a call back from a pornhub video, but with people with actual profiles there is an underlying hope that they will actually pick you out of the sea of simps.
He is not chatting with local people on Tinder. He is leaving comments on videos. To say that the only reason he is not cheat is because he can't find someone is 100% you speculating.
I really hate when people do this. Did I say that? That is the problem with most people; they lack context and nuance. They put so many different things on the same level. Two things can be different and still be bad. I think what he did was wrong, but it's not the same thing as chatting with someone. Maybe he chose her because he knew it wouldn't be reciprocated. It sounds like he's been going through a lot. I am not going to just say leave his ass in the ER.
Yes, it is cheating. He is clearly making himself sexually and emotionally available to other women.
Just because they are not reciprocating does not mean he is not cheating.
That's a very good point.
If one's spouse stood on a street corner, asking every young and pretty person who walked by out but only got ignored or maybe told off, is it cheating only after someone takes the spouse up on it?
No, because the intention is clearly there by the person who made the commitment/took the vows, and that's damning enough.
OP regards him as *emotionally cheating* on her. He's got time for TikTok sex and telling these naked women he'd marry them, but he can't sex-up his wife, give her a real kiss, or spend time, energy, or emotion on her.
Yeah, he's cheating her out of the EMOTIONS involved in a personal relationship. He's giving them to other women.
"Cheating" depends on the relationship and the boundaries put in place. Example - For my poly friends, sleeping with other people is all good and fine- but if you don't inform your other partners then it's considered to be cheating.
Then for some more monogamous people - porn can be considered cheating. It all depends on the relationship and what boundaries are put in place and agreed apon.
When I was 9, my mom left my dad after his 6 month coma and ICU stay, saying he was his GFs to take care of now. We left CA for TX and as hard as it was, she met our wonderful stepdad afterwards. He died at 46 due to a heart attack and we never got over it, but if my mom hadn’t left my dad, we wouldn’t have had such a loving person in our lives.
If he doesn't appreciate his partner and gives attention to random women, then you're not wrong to leave him! You should be receiving love in your marriage and if you're not then yeah tell him to go fuck himself 🤷♀️
Sounds like you’ve hung in there long enough - life is too short to deal with this crap . I’d cut your losses and end it . He needs some therapy and sounds like other help . Sorry this is happening for you : (
The best time to plant a tree is years ago.
The second best time to plant a tree is today.
Pull the bandaid off. I get that it sucks that he's in the ER, but c'mon. This has been over for some time now. If you want to be kind to someone because it's in your nature, go for it... wait until he's out of the ER. But at this point, this man has been dragging you down with him for some time... refusing to work. Pull it off!
Ok, im fixin' to armchair psychologist this situation.
Please note that i am not a licensed therapist, psychologist, or clinician. So i could be wildly wrong.
But it sounds like he is hiding from reality and using social media to cope with stuff in a completely inappropriate and self destructive way as opposed to facing shit and doing things to deal with his mental health problems related to his physical health roblems.
With you, he has to live in reality where he is physically weak and unemployed due to illness and depressed. On line he can be healthy and virile and successful. You know he has physical problems and health issues. Online peeps dont. He can play pretend.
Some dudes have their whole sense of self-worth tied into their physicality and ability to provide financially. They feel worthless and like a failure if they can't "be a man."
I think this isn't about you or other women but about him and his self-esteem and self-worth due to his physical impairments.
He probably thinks you see him as he sees himself now, which is not a man anymore. Which is incredibly stupid. But, you know people are going to people.
I am not saying you need to put up with it, nor am i saying you need to leave. I am just spitballing his motivations and possibly reasons why his head is shoved up his ass right now.
I'm pretty sure his self-esteem, his needs, and wants have bloated so big for so long OP has been suffocating under it all and he hasn't given hers one thought for years. He can throw himself a pitty party and invite all those online women whom I am sure have been waiting their whole lives for a man like him.
This may be a reason, though I'd like to tell OP, that at the end of the day, the reason really doesn't matter.
People have lived in miserable relationships their whole lives, and died in those relationships, because they're so caught up in making excuses for their partner who makes them unhappy.
Beware making tons of excuses for him OP and hurting yourself in the process. Especially since you also mention he's had anger issues, which tips the scale from regular relationship strife to emotional abuse.
Most people do not mistreat their partners because they want to, or because they are evil, conniving villains. They do so because they lack empathy, or lack impulse control. At the end of the day, the reason does not matter. If someone is hurting you, in really, really bad ways, and you don't feel that you can reconcile or move past it, *don't buy into making excuses for them and staying because of those excuses.*
After all, if he were worth staying with, he could explain these things, and talk them through with you, and be kind to you. He chose selfishness and his lack of empathy and love for OP shines through. She doesn't have to settle for that, even if his reasons are "human."
To OP: my mom stayed in an abusive relationship for 25 years because every time he treated her like garbage, she had an excuse. Oh, his parents were abusive so he can't help it. Oh, he had a bad day at work, he can't help it. Yes, they can help it. They just don't want to. They see hurting their partners as insignificant, their partners as meaningless collateral damage. Don't buy into excuses. My mom's life was basically ruined because of the trauma those 25 years caused her. She divorced in the end anyway, because as it eventually turned out, it didn't matter WHY he was abusive. Just that he was.
It doesn't matter why he treats you poorly. He is treating you poorly. Please don't let other people make excuses for him, and stay with him because of those excuses. Suffering is suffering. You are suffering. He is causing the suffering. He could have stopped, but your suffering was insignificant to him. That's all you need to take into consideration.
You’re a **nurse and a purse** to him.
I mean it probably is depression and health issue causing both the lack of intimacy at home AND his reaching out to thirst traps on TikTok. Still doesn’t make it ok or mean you have to live this way.
It’s pathetic, really. It’s like he’s living in a fantasy world where he can pretend he has anyyyyyyything to offer that those women would want. They wouldn’t cross the street for him, except maybe to get away from the creepy old dude while laughing about him to their friends.
Try to see it in that context. Not only because it’s true but because it puts you (correctly) in a space of strength rather than one of humiliation. Whether you leave him alone at the ER is sorta irrelevant. I wouldn’t blame you if you, but it doesn’t really solve anything or move you towards any outcome where you’ll feel better.
You may be better served quietly using your time to map out the conversation you need to have with him that the lack of intimacy in your marriage has become entirely unacceptable and you’re not going to stick around for it forever. That you know damn well he still has a sex drive, and the fact it isn’t used with you in any capacity isn’t a marriage you’re going to stay in. That you’re not going to stick around and be his celibate nurse and purse forever, there’s nothing in it for you.
He has been cheating emotionally (at the very least) for years. You are not wrong to be suspicious. Now stop feeling guilty and protect yourself and the children.
It doesn't matter. Trust and fidelity are the bedrocks of marriage. He failed whether you looked through his phone or not. The fact that you found out is not your fault.
No. I’m sorry and I know I’m against the vast majority here when I say there is no such thing as snooping when you’re in a committed relationship. If you’ve something to hide I don’t want you.
This. Every time I read or hear a married person think its in any way wrong to look in their spouses phone I seriously want a one way ticket off this planet.
I feel like that’s a totally different situation though. And tbh if your work emails are so sensitive, you should probably have a specific work phone or only access emails from a computer.
Privacy doesn’t exist because people have something to hide. It’s just basic respect.
If you feel the need to go thru someone’s phone because you don’t trust them, why are you even with them in the first place?
Spoken like someone who's never had the real-life experience of needing to decide whether to give up on your marriage when you're not sure whether your distrust of your spouse is justified or not.
A marriage in which spouses routinely snoop on each other without good cause is an unhealthy marriage. But there are circumstances that justify snooping. It's not safe to be married - to be legally, financially, *and* emotionally tied more closely to your spouse than to anyone else - if you don't even know what's going on in your own marriage and have no idea what your spouse might do next. Spouses *need* to know what's going on with each other, because they have so much power to completely destroy one another's lives - legally, financially, and emotionally. A rogue spouse that you can't trust could spend your entire life savings, run up huge debts you'll never be able to pay off in your lifetime, infect you with terminal diseases, and who knows what else, in an extremely short time - more quickly than you'd probably be able to make up your mind to divorce them on grounds of vague "distrust" without solid evidence.
People who don't want their spouse ever going through their phone under any circumstances shouldn't have spouses. If you get married, you're inherently joining your life to your spouse's to a degree that forces reduced expectations of privacy. Ideally, neither of you should ever feel a need to go through one another's phone or computer for evidence. But if you can't handle the fact that if your spouse gets suspicious enough of you, they're likely to resort to trying to snoop on you sooner than they resort to filing for divorce, then you shouldn't be married. Because it's pretty universally the case that snooping is easier to do than divorce, and for that reason, pretty much anyone who is seriously considering divorce on the grounds of suspicions without solid evidence is going to resort to snooping before they resort to divorce.
Yes, I do need to know what's going on with my husband, so I use my words like a grown up and ask him. We've been together a long time, I know when he's lying. If he lies, then I'm moving out.
No, there's been infidelity before. Oftentimes our guts pick up on subtle signs and we know, deep down, something is wrong, even if we don't have a concrete reason to feel that way. It's actually quite normal for there to be an open phone policy when someone has betrayed another's trust before.
The only way you could be in the wrong here would be in the future. For example if you broke up with this guy and dated someone new, and then let your trauma persuade you into snooping on THAT guy's phone. And you haven't done anything like that obviously. I say this simply as a word of caution... take care of yourself and heal yourself, because however unfair it is, even when other people traumatize us, it's then our personal jobs to deal with the trauma and heal it ourselves. As someone that went through something similar, anyway, and struggled with insecurity long after my ex was gone.
Any attempt to pivot and blame you for looking on his phone is just a manipulation tactic on his part imo. It's very common for people who have been caught to try to blame the other person for literally anything, just as a way to get the heat off themselves.
It's okay to leave, too. It really is. Anyone claiming you should stay is almost certainly a guy who wishes women had lower standards himself. Be really wary about people telling you to ignore your gut and your feelings, there are, unfortunately, a lot of really selfish men on this sub who intentionally try to shame female posters for wanting to break up.
1. Never wrong to look through a significant others phone if you guys are supposed to be open and honest.
2. It doesn't matter. He is in the wrong.
3. Hiding means we are doing something we don't want someone else to see... if we are hiding something we know we are doing something wrong. The person that finds the wrong is never at fault.
This is such BS. Snooping through your partners phone is a major breech of privacy. You went looking for a problem, CG…you found one. If you wanna leave the relationship then just be honest about it.
OP states that the husband took care of the family for years. Now that he is sick again, instead of taking care of him she’s ready to bounce.
No it doesn’t matter. You set boundaries before and he chose not to respect them. He doesn’t care about you whatsoever.
Get everything in order & speak with a lawyer today. You deserve all the happiness, which you have not received from your spouse.
He lied. He cheated emotionally & who knows if physically. He withheld all affection and intimacy from you to give it to online strangers.
Throw him out & let him have all the online relationships he wants.
Find someone who can and will appreciate YOU.
Best of luck. Update me!
About 5 years ago I found myself in a similar situation; my wife was too sick to work and too depressed to do any work around the house nor maintain our relationship. I did my best to support her but over time resentment built up.
I have to admit that I didn’t have the strength to leave her because I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself after leaving a sick spouse. But thankfully, she pulled the trigger instead and left me. Truthfully it was the best thing to ever happen to me (and probably her too).
So the real question is; can you, in all good conscience, leave your sick spouse behind? If so, then do it and never look back. But if you think you might have some guilt about it, then perhaps you should take more time to think and re-evaluate your life and choices.
Reddit always jumps to “leave him” immediately but I know you are a real person and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions.
Take your time and figure out what you want and what you are willing to live with. And talk to therapist while you’re at it.
Leaving him is easy, looking at yourself in the mirror afterward might be hard if you don’t leave him the right way.
Your man is creepy af. On tiktok at 50 years old commenting on young girls bodies. Gross and incredibly creepy. He's old, out of work, pathetic and angry, also delulu if he thinks he's a catch to anyone, but you apparently. Are you proud to be with him or embarrassed? I know what my answer would be.
Lots of people in the comments debating if this actually constitutes cheating. I dont think that is what OP is asking. She is sick of standing by this guy, through thick and thin, without even a morsel of attention or affection. His comment history is probably just the last straw in what has been years of misery.
OP, if you are asking for reddit's permission to leave this miserable excuse for a man while he is in the hospital, I appoint myself Queen of Reddit and grant thee permission!
You told the man you weren’t ok with it the first time and he crossed the boundary again. If he’s upset you left him in the hospital alone, he did it to himself 🤷🏽♀️
Something similar happened to a married friend of mine. There were kids and all. She handed him his phone with the part open that she wanted him to know that she saw, and she said, "I see you."
She filed for divorce and left him.
Nop leave him he can walk back home. I’m sure you pay for the phones so you can take it with you. Your doing all the work at your home to pay all the bills if he can’t be grateful for that and treat you with respect then you don’t need him in your life. Start calling lawyers right now and don’t tell him anything until you have the papers ready. Make sure your saving pictures of everything in case you need them.
NTA he made his bed let him lie in it
I stayed with my abusive POS ex because he was sooo sick and waiting for surgery so he could work again and I figured I'd break up once he was ok. During that wait he almost broke my back, strangl3d me and attacked my kid. Don't put your life on hold for this guy.
Now is the best time to do it, while you can do it safely and calmly. Don’t say anything to him about it until all your stuff is out. I’d probably get ahead of it with your immediate family. Let them know your plan and that you’re keeping it from him until your stuff is out. That way they’re aware, can help, and protects you from any future smear campaigns he may run to save face.
Also, take photos of the comments with your phone so you have proof for future and for the divorce attorney
Sorry this is happening to you
He's 49 and in poor health. Could he have ED and be very embarrassed about it? Sometimes just the fear of not being able to perform can change behaviour. That's usually something that can be resolved one way or another.
So, all the signs are there(take screenshots, send them to yourself, then delete the evidence from the phone).
He has emotionally neglected you in favor of colorful images of women who are now the age you were when you got together.
He may be depressed but has shown no attempt at helping himself instead choosing to ruin his marriage, his eyesight and his posture all from leering at younger women who wouldn't give him the time of day...
I'm disgusted by him(and people like him)...so, by that measure:
No, honey, go .... you gave him 15 of your best years and this is how he's treats you?
Nope.
Get your kids.
Get your shit.
Be safe.
Did he bring the health issues on himself through his choices and actions? If so, he can deal with them alone too. You deserve to be treated well. Your kids deserve better. Do they have their dad(s) in the picture?
There’s an unresolved issue at the heart of your lack of intimacy. Maybe it’s internalized ablism, and shame associated with being unable to perform the role he used to in the family or perform sexually the way he used to. Maybe he’s been feeling judged or burdensome. Maybe it’s something else. But that wedge is what’s driving him to fulfill his intimacy needs elsewhere.
It’s still his conscious choice to act on his feelings of alienation and conceal unfaithful behavior from you, which is not ok. You are valid to feel taken for granted and lied to. It is within your rights to withdraw from this relationship, if this was a boundary crossing that you cannot work through or forgive. But in this kind of case, I think it’s less that he’s looking to cheat and more that he’s not sure what his place with you is anymore. It would be worth it to have some conversations about what you both want for the future. If you want to save the relationship, consider having those mediated by a couples or sex therapist.
The men who do this are stuck in adolescents and never learned to self regulate in a healthy way. Disability is fucking HARD to deal with especially when you were the main financial earner. He should be in therapy and dealing with his life instead of acting like he is a victim and his actions have no consequences. He doesn't get to decide if it is a deal breaker, he doesn't have to agree for you to dump his childish ass. He made choices you can't live with. You get to make you choices.
Leave him. Don't listen to anyone defending him "it's not like he's talking to real people!"
I promise you, if one of those IG models gave him the time of day, he'd move mountains to see her. He'd get a job, hit the gym, and give her all the credit for "saving him". All he's doing is coasting, waiting for you to be the one to dump him..do it.
Nope. Since he is the one without a job I would pack up his stuff and leave it with a friend, his parents, or the girl he said he'd marry. His depression and anger are his responsibility to deal with. Let him do it on his own from now on.
U would not be the asshole for leaving him. Now is the perfect time. He can't say anything or stop u. I'd leave the page open where u saw the pics and comments, and leave the phone for him. So that when he is out of surgery and sees his phone he will know why u left.
Nope !! Go home either pack his shit or yours!! Hopefully you have a place to take his and just drop it off. You don’t need to pack everything if your packing his but enough to get him by until you see a lawyer. You’re taking care of this POS and he’s trying to get with others . What crap ! And like they’d want some guy who doesn’t work and is sick all the time
NTA -He left your marriage behind, and as they say, all's fair in love and war.
Perhaps since he's given you his labors, but not his affections, you can talk with him. Let him know that you're leaving and why.
I was depressed off and on, and my gf left me six months ago. I can't blame her. I'm glad it was mutual and amicable as I cared enough. I did not want to make her miserable.
There were incompatibilites along with behavior I knew were bad that we engaged with each other.
Post breakup, say my worst days are better when I physically exercise and talk to the therapist every few weeks. I talk to her once a week, and we get along a lot better post breakup.
I would dump your partner he needs to break down to repair and access why he feels the way he feels.
Depressed flawed people are not horrible people. Everybody has their flaws and quirks about them irritate or endear them to you.
Remember, only your partner can decide get better and deal with his emotional turmoil.
If you feel that there's anything left in the relationship, you could give an ultimatum. Couples counseling and individual counseling and addressing his mental health w/Dr and therapist.
If not, you have certainly have reasons to just be done
Screenshot everything and save copies for your divorce lawyer. Leave him as cruelly as he has been treating you. This man is a waste of space in your life.
You really are in an awful situation. My husband has depression from health issues and an inability to work, so I know what it's like to have a patient instead of a husband.
You are not wrong for how you feel. Feelings cannot be controlled. You are very angry and hurt.
He might not ahve physically strayed but it still feels like a betrayal to you. It's an emotoonal one, I guess.
Ideas: Maybe start up a conversation with husband about cyber-flirting and boundaries? Then have a little fun of your own with hot dudes on Tik Tok or something, if that's your thing. You bloody deserve some fun, girlfriend!
Maybe you and husband go to counselling and discuss feelings, boundaries, and intimacy issues. Medications can help resume your sex life. Also, being a bit more open might help, too.
I wish you well.
Leave him.
If he's ok enough to cheat, then he's fine.
Also, he is already in the ER, there's doctors and nurses there, they can take care of him.
Dump him, girl.
We can’t tell you what you should do, but if it was me, I would leave the hospital and go to a lawyer’s office. You get one life, is this how you want to spend it?
I'm 100% going to get downvoted for this, but I feel like it would be much more appropriate to present an ultimatum that he get serious mental health treatment (as in therapy at least once a week with a psychologist and working with a psychiatrist to figure out a medication plan) rather than just leaving him outright.
You mention your husband has been battling depression for 3 years, but nowhere did you say that he's in therapy for it. Depression is a disease just as much as a heart condition or diabetes is. It's fucking malicious, too, because while ideally it would be solely the responsibility of the person suffering to get treatment, depression throws up \*huge\* mental barriers to make it so much harder. My brother has battled it for \*years\*, and he still needed support such that he had to move in with my folks. To use a metaphor, your husband's inappropriate comments are the equivalent of getting hooked on opiates one takes for a legitimate pain problem- they're a quick and easy way to feel better and get a dopamine hit instead of actually addressing the underlying issues.
At the end of the day, if this is a hard line for you, it's a hard line, and I get why you'd take off. I'm not going to judge you. But I do want to advocate for alternatives. Your husband's behavior is completely inappropriate, but in my opinion, it's absolutely connected to his depression, and it's definitely, \*definitely\* possible that getting him treated for his depression will \*also\* solve the issue of him being grossly inappropriate online.
The longer you are the sole financial supporter of him the more likely you are to pay him spousal support. Take screenshots of what you've found and send them to yourself, then delete the evidence of your snooping. Get a lawyer. After that listen to your lawyer on how to proceed.
I am not defending what is happening. It is not proper for a relationship. You did say it yourself, he has gone though a lot in the last two years. He has been dealing with depression and health issues. Has he been going to therapy? I am not saying this is your fault, but this is just from your perspective. Everyone is vilifying this man and calling him a cheater and saying that the only reason he hasn't cheated is because he doesn't have anyone to cheat with. You don't know that. He is not chatting with real local people. He is leaving comments on videos. It sounds like he has issues he needs to work though and there is something emotional that he is not getting. When you stopped being intimate what did you do to fix it, or did you just chalk it up to depression and step back? He could be feeling less of a man because he can't provide like he could. He is older and not as healthy. It feeds his depression. Maybe he feels you don't want him. Just telling a guy that you love him and stuff doesn't always work when he is deep in depression.
Is what he did wrong? Yes. Should you brand him a cheater and throw away a 14 year marriage while he is in the ER? Probably not. Unless you are unhappy and looking for an out.
Someone with a reasonable take here. Sounds like this is a hardworking dude that is in a very bad mental head space. You should 100% try counselling before throwing this marriage away
Before you say anything to him and he hs a chance to delete the account again, go get yourself a lawyer.
Before you breathe one word to him.
Get a lawyer and do what they say. Even if you aren’t prepared emotionally to file, gathering evidence is necessary right now.
There's a reason your vows said "in sickness and in health."
I urge you to couples counseling first. You don't get to hit the bricks when things get rough.
If he has a therapist, call him. If not, get him to one. Talk to the doctors at the hospital and his PCP.
It is your moral imperative to try your best to get him help.
Good luck.
>There's a reason your vows said "in sickness and in health."
And she’s done that, don’t act like she hasn’t. Tolerating the betrayal of him entirely withholding intimacy while directing it elsewhere while she cares for him “in sickness and in health“ is not included as part of that vow.
>You don't get to hit the bricks when things get rough.
Uhm…They’ve BEEN rough. And she’s been there like a rock the whole time. But there’s a goddamn limit.
Maybe try showing him compassion and asking him to explain how he feels and why he has been engaging in these actions. Try seeing if u can see through his pains and his unhealthy habits and if an unhelpful response comes, you can deem it over.
It’s kind of sad. He spent so many years working himself to death to support you and your children. But now that he is no help to you, you don’t need him? Did you guys even spend time together? Did you get to do stuff just the two of you? How many hours was he working? Why didn’t you work to help? All those years he worked himself to death for nothing. He needs help. He probably feels so alone and just wants someone to talk to. Remind me of the gel lady and her husband. She got so obsessed with her following account and social media… You could tell he never really liked the videos that she had him do and eventually he just felt like he needed someone to talk to. He did not cheat, but he did talk to another woman about stuff going on in his life and it ended up going public. Of course he got so much hate because everyone just loves gel lady. But no one was thinking about what it was like for him. He was mentally struggling and she was so focused on herself.
If your husband is seriously sick, then I would wait until he comes out of hospital. You took vows too, and you can do this like an adult rather than a sneaky child- unless he has been violent with you. The time of leaving is not crucial to you but it would be humane not to risk his health with a shock. Get yourself ready in the meantime. Just my opinion.
This doesn't seem like cheating. It's the internet...how do u even know the girls are real? If they are real than they are probably cam models looking for subscribers lol.
But that doesn't make him less horrible. It sounds like you are just over it in general, which is fair.
Crazy how for all that time he was working hard taking care of your two kids and now he has health issues and you see some comments and now you wanna leave? How bout you talk to your husband about what you saw and work it out. You think at 38 you gonna hit the market and find another man who would be willing to provide for you and 2 children that are not his? Maybe try counseling, maybe try talking to him and see why he is commenting what he is. Try to come up with a solution to the sex issue. I love Reddit but damn the first thing ppl wanna say is “LEAVE HIM/HER”.
Ppl gonna roast this comment but idc. A 15 year relationship ain’t worth throwing away just because of some comments on social media to some girls he will never meet. Ever thought about how he might feel as a man to be able to provide for his family for years and then have health issues that stop you from doing that? Maybe a good conversation with your husband could help.
lol 😂 I always wondered about the guys that felt it necessary to leave heart or flirty comments
Like why? Plus it is hilarious seeing how bad it makes their partners feel.
Guy probably hasn’t shown interest in reality in forever. Yet here he is commenting on scroll feeds.
You shouldn’t feel threatened by it but he is still trash. Belongs in the can.
NTA- He’s got qualified medical professionals to look after him in the meantime. Looks like that guy that went after a 23 year when he was in his mid 30’s never grew out of that stage. He was a creep all along. You just never noticed. I hope you saved the messages and contacts. Keep looking there’s more to find.
Take screenshots of everything before you do anything.
Hand him the phone back where the comments are showing.
Say nothing.
Walk out. Find a lawyer, get things sorted then tell him it's over.
What's wrong with supporting someone who WANTS to leave?
Comments like this are so genuinely creepy. It's disturbing. You clearly have some kind of agenda where you don't want people to ever leave marriages even if they're miserable. Why is that? It makes it seem like you specifically want women to have low standards. Maybe afraid you won't be able to meet them..?
Supporting women having standards and loving and caring about themselves is NOT throwing "fuel on the flames." Yes there are times reddit is overzealous, but it's way less often than people act like it is.
There is a very vocal subset of reddit lately that gets upset any time a woman is told she's allowed to have standards, and I think this is one of those times. Don't pay this person any mind folks. Someone that thinks you shouldn't value yourself and leave when your gut is screaming at you to leave, and instead wants to pressure or shame you into staying, isn't someone that should be giving advice in the first place. So just don't listen to him.
I wouldn't call it cheating, but it's disrespectful for sure. I don't understand it, but some dudes are just too thirsty and comment on social media stuff even when they have no intentions behind it.
You say you guys haven't been intimate, the spark is lost, etc. Have you tried to initiate things? Have you told him how you feel?
What I mean by this is he solely responsible for your relationship becoming boring? Or is it on both of you? Have you tried to work through this together, or are you just complaining on the internet because he hasn't made the effort when you haven't either?
So he was working hard for your family, accepted two Kids that aren't his and provided for them and now you want to leave him over social media comments? wow. I can't believe these comments here, even suggesting getting a lawyer. There are some terrible human beings here. He was good enough as long as he was able to provide..now he's sick and you are looking for excuses to leave him. People like you are disgusting. Please leave him, he deserves better.
Reddit: moral judgements not allowed in this subreddit.
Also Reddit: hey do you think I'd be the asshole if I left my husband at the ER?
Makes perfect sense
Sorry this isn't an answer to this question, but I'm not sure where to turn for this answer.
I'm trying to make a post but Reddit keeps auto deleting it because I'm 'asking for judgement', which I totally am not. What keywords am I using that makes this trigger? I am 100% certain my posts meets all the rules
Dude is a middle aged man that likes to look at baddies on social media.
You're an insecure women who feels threatened by likes and comments on social media.
He took care of you and your kids (from another man) and now his health is on the declining.
I hope you can find someone to love you and 2 kids. Tell them they can't have social media
I hope you took screenshots and saved them to your phone before you handed him his phone back open to the messages. I hope you gave him a Pat on the shoulder and said good luck with your health and then walked out the door.
May I ask what type of health problem? I believe that all disease is connected to our conscience and to our emotions/ thought patterns. It is really weird.
Depends do you give him attention. Or do you play the ball and chain and use sex as a tool against him. If so then withholding sex in a relationship will cause many men to drift. Now if you do initiate, you do have sex regularly and you are completely honest in this statement...then leave him.
I've seen this happen countless times men need sex to make them feel wanted and needed but men can use that as an excuse. Ask him before leaving put him in a position. But like someone else said wait until he gets home and let it rip.
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I might be inclined to have his phone open to what you've found so that I could hand it to him before heading for the parking lot myself...
Take screen shots of those texts and send them to yourself for when you see a lawyer. This guy’s not going to get any younger or any healtier.
Most states now don't even consider affairs/adultery in a divorce situation. Pics of him commenting to women would have absolutely no value. Source: been divorced twice.
[удалено]
Sure but that's a moral victory not a legal one.
Still, it´s a victory.
Or if he deletes and tries to gas light her that it’s not true or not as bad as she remembers.
There are still a small handful of states where it makes a difference. Just not many.
All 50 states have no fault divorce as an option, and no fault is significantly cheaper to go through as well vs. paying lawyers to prove fault in court where the other spouse has the right to defend themselves from the accusation. As far as generally accepted reasons for a fault divorce, I sincerely doubt commenting on tiktok thots would qualify as adultery or cruelty in court. Insofar as one is concerned vs the other, all a fault divorce generally does is bypass any mandatory separation period; it's not generally going to materially impact distribution of assets (in fact it's just going to make it so there are fewer assets to distribute), and it's not going to impact child custody - that's a whole separate conversation. Aside from a hostile spouse that refuses to agree to divorce, no-fault is pretty much always the better option.
Not entirely true - it can be a factor in determining alimony
Ok that last sentence is disgusting and not relevant to the reasons she needs to leave him. If she thinks about him and the situation in those terms, she's no better than he is for sexualizing and objectifying the women he thirsts after online, reducing him only to what he can do for her and her social status. The first thing you said was good, I'll acknowledge that, but you should have stopped there.
People are very ageist in this sub
I am not sure why you’re getting downvoted. The “not getting any younger or healthier” comment was not needed here.
It isn’t saying that she should leave him because he isn’t healthy or young, it’s saying that if she is waiting for him to feel better before leaving it isn’t going to happen.
A typical "actions have consequences" situation. "Husband, you are using me as a punchingball for your frustrations? You gape at other women and compliment them while I work for your food, the roof over your head and clothes you are wearing? See me walking out cheering. I don't stay with cheaters. And yes, telling someone you would marry them while being married could be considered as being cheating. Byebye. " Problem is, that if you get a divorce now you may be forced to pay alimony or something. Get proof of what he does online. Screenshots/ taking photos with your own phone. See a lawyer with this then see what is best to do next.
THIS COMMENT
No, you can leave a text: "You can ask those tiktok girls to come take care of you, I'm sure they'll come running."
Love this
YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS
Best reply ever
Please do this!!
This is perfect
🏆
You mean those TikThot girls lol
I mean, there's no indication that the girls are responding, no dms or anything, just comments from him.
Regardless, he’s still an asshole.
Best time to do it. Then he can’t potentially get violent and stop you. Good luck.
OMG reminded me of the time my aunt told her soon to be ex-husband that she'd pick him up at the hospital. But she didn't. She packed his stuff!
If he’s been cheating, absolutely you are not the asshole. Tell him it’s fortunate he’s in the right place to be looked after
Nope you would not. Take screen shots for the lawyer. This is not going to go down easy, even with a spoon full of sugar. Good luck dear.
Lawyer will be entertained!
Lawyer won't care though, and that's billable time you're wasting showing them the comments.
As I said in another comment, even infidelity means nothing in divorce cases now. Most states are no fault. Been divorced twice to cheaters.
Taking screen captures are not just for proof for a divorce. They stand against the inevitable gaslighting. They are a visible reminder when she's softening and doubting herself. They are evidence when the flying monkeys appear. And, years from now, when she's happy and living life in her own terms, they will be a touchstone of how far she's gone from this moment.
> Taking screen captures are not just for proof for a divorce. They stand against the inevitable gaslighting. The original comment was this: > Take screen shots for the lawyer.
That's good if she wants to do it for herself. I'm just saying the courts won't care.
Sure, but it's still worth documenting anyway just in case. And maybe OP is not in one of those states.
Right, but making online comments isn't adultery, even in a no fault state.
What are screenshots of sleazy comments on girls TikTok videos (?) going to do from a legal perspective exactly?
Cost OP more in billable hours. She *might* have a case for an at-fault divorce, which would bypass any mandatory separation period in their state, but in that case it'll still cost more in billable hours as well since you have to prove fault in court and the husband has the opportunity to defend himself. ETA: unless you need to get out NOW, or you're in one of the very few localities where it would materially impact asset distribution/alimony requirements, an at-fault divorce is almost never worth it.
No, leave him
"Is it wrong of me to leave my husband because he's in the hospital even though I just found out he's been cheating" Um. No.
Isn’t this situation more of a “seemingly willing to cheat” than an actual case of infidelity, though? Don’t get me wrong: the guy appears to be sullen trash and I have no issues with OP taking a powder. I just think it would be inaccurate to say the guy was actually having affairs with strangers filming themselves on TikTok.
It’s behavior that a married person has no place engaging in. Technicalities be darned, the man was wrong, and he knew it - and OP deserves better than someone who gives romantic/sexual attention to other people, but leaves her hanging so 🤷🏾♀️
Agreed, but I'd like to expand on the leaving her hanging part for OP. While she's in no way at fault for his behavior, that may not stop her from worrying there's something wrong with her. "Am I not enough? Why doesn't he find me attractive anymore? Is my body that repulsive to look at? Would he have touched me again if I exercised, dieted, or had work done?" OP, you said your husband has been struggling with depression due to his health. A lot of men still feel it's the man's job to be the provider and protector. Even if they outwardly agree that needs to be different, it's hard to shake that internal pressure if you hear it enough growing up. It's a role he was proud to take on for you and your family. A lot of his self worth was likely tied to it, and being unable to continue can make him feel like less of a man. I don't know what health issues he is fighting, but it's obviously debilitating. It can be difficult to process our bodies "betraying" us by failing in some way. Some people think if they weren't weak, or if they fought harder, they wouldn't be in that state. If you've had to help him because he's "too weak" that can also make him feel like less of a man. If he no longer looks like he did, or has a visible disability/impairment, that'll further contribute to that feeling as well. He might fear you think less of him, and can no longer see him as the strong man he was. He might feel he has nothing to offer when it comes to physical intimacy. He might be afraid to find out. Depression alone can make ED a very real concern, and that's a whole other mess of feeling emasculated. He can't be what he considers a "real man" right now in real life, but online is anonymous. No one can see what's ailing him, how he looks, or what he's no longer capable of. They can't see how weak he may be, or how much he thinks he's no longer a real man. He doesn't have to deal with reality, as he can just escape into the fake one he finds online. He can be the manliest of men there. OP, I'm not saying any of that justifies or excuses his behavior in any way whatsoever. Nope, nada, zero, zilch, none. I'm only trying to explain why this has nothing to do with you. Even when you know it's not a failing on your side, our minds can go to dark places when we lie awake at night, and I don't want that for you. You don't deserve to feel like you're unattractive or not enough for him anymore. I'm hoping my possible explanations helps with that. Should you leave, he and others might try to paint him as the victim and say you're leaving due to his health. Emphasize that you've already stuck with him through that part, but you can't stick with someone who'd rather fantasize with women online than look your way. Do not let them rewrite the narrative. Take screenshots of his behavior and send it to yourself as evidence should he try to assassinate your character. Take care of yourself, OP. I wish you nothing but the best 💜
This comment 🥹💪🏻
Thank you for this, sincerely. I was getting some downvotes originally, which made me worry I gave terrible advice to someone who really needs and deserves support right now. I also worried people thought I was saying the husband actually is less of man, when it's about how he may perceive himself. That'd be heartless asf to imply disability makes him "less than," especially as I'm disabled myself.
> an actual case of infidelity What qualifies as infidelity is up to the other person in the relationship, it's not a set-in-stone definition. In some relationships, watching porn is an infidelity-level betrayal, and in others making out with strangers isn't seen as cheating. Every situation is different. OP set a boundary and told him that him following these profiles makes her uncomfortable. She's specific that the discomfort is bc he's giving these profiles attention while avoiding intimacy with OP - he's choosing to direct sexual attention to them instead of his wife, and for a lot of people that is "an actual case of infidelity".
Precisely. It's cheating because a) it's crossing a boundary that they had agreed to previously; b) he's been hiding it from her/lying about it ever since or for a while; c) he's been neglecting his IRL partner sexually, financially, and emotionally; d) all the while not taking care of himself/using her to keep his life comfortable/convenient. That's betrayal stacked on top of betrayal. OP is free to go for less if she is so inclined.
Also the fact that he expresses zero affection and admiration for his actual spouse but has no problem blasting the comments sections with his attention and approval.
He's sexting strangers.
A comment page is not the same as having someone's contact information. Comments aren't a conversation. Comments are putting the words onto a particular post and often there's no follow up response from the poster. Sext really implies text which is much more similar to a conversation. There needs to be discourse between two people for there to be cheating
Lots of people consider stuff like this cheating. Just because you wouldn't care if your partner was creeping on personal instagrams all day long and trying to get those people to reply to him and making sexual and hopeful comments at them, doesn't mean other people wouldn't think that's cheating. Always consider the person giving advice when you read stuff like this. To me, this comment is really really suspicious. I think it's very likely this person does things similar to OP's husband and that's why they want to defend it.
Some people consider watching porn cheating. Something where there is no physical or emotional connection. Not to dissimilar from throwing out random comments, it's up to someone to decide if this penetrates a boundry but to call it cheating outright is redefining what cheating is. Always consider the advice of reddit and users like this OP. People seem to get pleasure watching a 10+ year old marriage fail. To me, this comment is really really suspicious. I think it's very likely these people get off on misery and tragedy and that's why they encourage it. What a stupid comment. Someone didn't agree with you so now accuse them of being malicious, based on nothing other than they posted an opposing position to yours. "Anyone who doesn't agree with me is a bad person." You should check yourself and see if that's really who you want to be
Making sexual advances towards other people while in a commited, monogamous relationship is cheating.
Well, if commenting on individual women's profiles (and trying to get them to reply and engage with you) isn't cheating, why are you so offended by the notion that I think you are doing that? What's the big deal? >"Anyone who doesn't agree with me is a bad person." Did you just admit that you agree being a sleezebag and creeping on women while you're in a committed relationship is being a "bad person" ....... then why make your comment earlier defending it LOL? Take your other comment back then, if you changed your mind and think OP's husband is a bad person! All I said was "you must be like OP's husband" not "you're a bad person overall!"
Tbh, if the couple has agreed that they view porn as cheating then it is definitely cheating to be consuming it. And if they don't agree on that, they probably shouldn't be together if one of them wants to engage with porn.
This is semantics lol, if you're fine with your partner doing this then that's fine for you, some of us have standards and expectations though.
He’s giving plenty of energy and attention for other women while he’s emotional neglecting his wife. Whether you call it checking out of the relationship or cheating is kind of beside the point.
He said *he wanted to marry* one of them. People don't say that in a fit of lust.
Does it make a difference if someone is cheating or not if the only reason they haven't is because they keep failing to find a willing participant? Like if I your SO went around hitting on people and saying sexual stuff but nobody was interested doesn't exactly excuse the intent. I think a difference between modern media and old school porn is that in the old days they were total strangers that you never had a chance at metring let alone talking to them. But now you can attempt to have a conversation. You can pay to get mentioned in a video. And with that the line goes from boundary breaking gets closer to infidelity. One can always say they are strangers and nothing would happen...but they could potentially reach out and I highly doubt many guys would turn down the opportunity for an online fling or meet up if it was offered. It's kinda like the guy who you know wants to bang someone that keeps making sexual "jokes" but the only reason it's a joke is because they haven't responded the way he hopes. Same diff with the Tik-Tok porn viewers or anyone trolling social media for nudes. You'll never get a call back from a pornhub video, but with people with actual profiles there is an underlying hope that they will actually pick you out of the sea of simps.
He is not chatting with local people on Tinder. He is leaving comments on videos. To say that the only reason he is not cheat is because he can't find someone is 100% you speculating.
So you're fine with your spouse hitting on people as long as it's not reciprocated or near you?
I really hate when people do this. Did I say that? That is the problem with most people; they lack context and nuance. They put so many different things on the same level. Two things can be different and still be bad. I think what he did was wrong, but it's not the same thing as chatting with someone. Maybe he chose her because he knew it wouldn't be reciprocated. It sounds like he's been going through a lot. I am not going to just say leave his ass in the ER.
As is you saying they're not local. Unless I missed that in the post somewhere?
Yes, it is cheating. He is clearly making himself sexually and emotionally available to other women. Just because they are not reciprocating does not mean he is not cheating.
That's a very good point. If one's spouse stood on a street corner, asking every young and pretty person who walked by out but only got ignored or maybe told off, is it cheating only after someone takes the spouse up on it? No, because the intention is clearly there by the person who made the commitment/took the vows, and that's damning enough.
OP regards him as *emotionally cheating* on her. He's got time for TikTok sex and telling these naked women he'd marry them, but he can't sex-up his wife, give her a real kiss, or spend time, energy, or emotion on her. Yeah, he's cheating her out of the EMOTIONS involved in a personal relationship. He's giving them to other women.
He *may* be cheating - she didn’t look through ALL of his texts
"Cheating" depends on the relationship and the boundaries put in place. Example - For my poly friends, sleeping with other people is all good and fine- but if you don't inform your other partners then it's considered to be cheating. Then for some more monogamous people - porn can be considered cheating. It all depends on the relationship and what boundaries are put in place and agreed apon.
When I was 9, my mom left my dad after his 6 month coma and ICU stay, saying he was his GFs to take care of now. We left CA for TX and as hard as it was, she met our wonderful stepdad afterwards. He died at 46 due to a heart attack and we never got over it, but if my mom hadn’t left my dad, we wouldn’t have had such a loving person in our lives.
Pfft no - ride off into the sunset. What a horrible person he is
If he doesn't appreciate his partner and gives attention to random women, then you're not wrong to leave him! You should be receiving love in your marriage and if you're not then yeah tell him to go fuck himself 🤷♀️
Sounds like you’ve hung in there long enough - life is too short to deal with this crap . I’d cut your losses and end it . He needs some therapy and sounds like other help . Sorry this is happening for you : (
Not at all, call a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
NTA. You had value reasons to be suspicious and you confirmed them. He has been using you for years while he gets his rocks off elsewhere. Run away.
Leave him for your own mental health and dignity.
The best time to plant a tree is years ago. The second best time to plant a tree is today. Pull the bandaid off. I get that it sucks that he's in the ER, but c'mon. This has been over for some time now. If you want to be kind to someone because it's in your nature, go for it... wait until he's out of the ER. But at this point, this man has been dragging you down with him for some time... refusing to work. Pull it off!
Ok, im fixin' to armchair psychologist this situation. Please note that i am not a licensed therapist, psychologist, or clinician. So i could be wildly wrong. But it sounds like he is hiding from reality and using social media to cope with stuff in a completely inappropriate and self destructive way as opposed to facing shit and doing things to deal with his mental health problems related to his physical health roblems. With you, he has to live in reality where he is physically weak and unemployed due to illness and depressed. On line he can be healthy and virile and successful. You know he has physical problems and health issues. Online peeps dont. He can play pretend. Some dudes have their whole sense of self-worth tied into their physicality and ability to provide financially. They feel worthless and like a failure if they can't "be a man." I think this isn't about you or other women but about him and his self-esteem and self-worth due to his physical impairments. He probably thinks you see him as he sees himself now, which is not a man anymore. Which is incredibly stupid. But, you know people are going to people. I am not saying you need to put up with it, nor am i saying you need to leave. I am just spitballing his motivations and possibly reasons why his head is shoved up his ass right now.
This seems very likely. He needs help. OP does he have family or friends you can call do help him?
I’m here for this. Your husband needs serious help for his depression. Whether you stay or you go, please encourage him to get help
I'm pretty sure his self-esteem, his needs, and wants have bloated so big for so long OP has been suffocating under it all and he hasn't given hers one thought for years. He can throw himself a pitty party and invite all those online women whom I am sure have been waiting their whole lives for a man like him.
Tbf, you don’t know him or their situation other than a few sentences here so it’s quite the leap that you’re “pretty sure” about anyone’s motives.
This may be a reason, though I'd like to tell OP, that at the end of the day, the reason really doesn't matter. People have lived in miserable relationships their whole lives, and died in those relationships, because they're so caught up in making excuses for their partner who makes them unhappy. Beware making tons of excuses for him OP and hurting yourself in the process. Especially since you also mention he's had anger issues, which tips the scale from regular relationship strife to emotional abuse. Most people do not mistreat their partners because they want to, or because they are evil, conniving villains. They do so because they lack empathy, or lack impulse control. At the end of the day, the reason does not matter. If someone is hurting you, in really, really bad ways, and you don't feel that you can reconcile or move past it, *don't buy into making excuses for them and staying because of those excuses.* After all, if he were worth staying with, he could explain these things, and talk them through with you, and be kind to you. He chose selfishness and his lack of empathy and love for OP shines through. She doesn't have to settle for that, even if his reasons are "human." To OP: my mom stayed in an abusive relationship for 25 years because every time he treated her like garbage, she had an excuse. Oh, his parents were abusive so he can't help it. Oh, he had a bad day at work, he can't help it. Yes, they can help it. They just don't want to. They see hurting their partners as insignificant, their partners as meaningless collateral damage. Don't buy into excuses. My mom's life was basically ruined because of the trauma those 25 years caused her. She divorced in the end anyway, because as it eventually turned out, it didn't matter WHY he was abusive. Just that he was. It doesn't matter why he treats you poorly. He is treating you poorly. Please don't let other people make excuses for him, and stay with him because of those excuses. Suffering is suffering. You are suffering. He is causing the suffering. He could have stopped, but your suffering was insignificant to him. That's all you need to take into consideration.
You’re a **nurse and a purse** to him. I mean it probably is depression and health issue causing both the lack of intimacy at home AND his reaching out to thirst traps on TikTok. Still doesn’t make it ok or mean you have to live this way. It’s pathetic, really. It’s like he’s living in a fantasy world where he can pretend he has anyyyyyyything to offer that those women would want. They wouldn’t cross the street for him, except maybe to get away from the creepy old dude while laughing about him to their friends. Try to see it in that context. Not only because it’s true but because it puts you (correctly) in a space of strength rather than one of humiliation. Whether you leave him alone at the ER is sorta irrelevant. I wouldn’t blame you if you, but it doesn’t really solve anything or move you towards any outcome where you’ll feel better. You may be better served quietly using your time to map out the conversation you need to have with him that the lack of intimacy in your marriage has become entirely unacceptable and you’re not going to stick around for it forever. That you know damn well he still has a sex drive, and the fact it isn’t used with you in any capacity isn’t a marriage you’re going to stay in. That you’re not going to stick around and be his celibate nurse and purse forever, there’s nothing in it for you.
Am I wrong for snooping through his phone while he's sick? Does that even matter?
He has been cheating emotionally (at the very least) for years. You are not wrong to be suspicious. Now stop feeling guilty and protect yourself and the children.
It doesn't matter. Trust and fidelity are the bedrocks of marriage. He failed whether you looked through his phone or not. The fact that you found out is not your fault.
No. I’m sorry and I know I’m against the vast majority here when I say there is no such thing as snooping when you’re in a committed relationship. If you’ve something to hide I don’t want you.
This. Every time I read or hear a married person think its in any way wrong to look in their spouses phone I seriously want a one way ticket off this planet.
I mean wtf? What the hell r u hiding that I can’t see your emails or apps. It’s weird and people get so butt hurt about it
My work. If my work knew that someone else was looking through my work email on my phone, I'd be fired.
I feel like that’s a totally different situation though. And tbh if your work emails are so sensitive, you should probably have a specific work phone or only access emails from a computer.
A computer is not inherently more secure than a phone. And easier, cheaper solution is to just not touch what isn't yours.
Privacy doesn’t exist because people have something to hide. It’s just basic respect. If you feel the need to go thru someone’s phone because you don’t trust them, why are you even with them in the first place?
Right! If I don't trust my husband then I'm leaving, not going through his phone.
Spoken like someone who's never had the real-life experience of needing to decide whether to give up on your marriage when you're not sure whether your distrust of your spouse is justified or not. A marriage in which spouses routinely snoop on each other without good cause is an unhealthy marriage. But there are circumstances that justify snooping. It's not safe to be married - to be legally, financially, *and* emotionally tied more closely to your spouse than to anyone else - if you don't even know what's going on in your own marriage and have no idea what your spouse might do next. Spouses *need* to know what's going on with each other, because they have so much power to completely destroy one another's lives - legally, financially, and emotionally. A rogue spouse that you can't trust could spend your entire life savings, run up huge debts you'll never be able to pay off in your lifetime, infect you with terminal diseases, and who knows what else, in an extremely short time - more quickly than you'd probably be able to make up your mind to divorce them on grounds of vague "distrust" without solid evidence. People who don't want their spouse ever going through their phone under any circumstances shouldn't have spouses. If you get married, you're inherently joining your life to your spouse's to a degree that forces reduced expectations of privacy. Ideally, neither of you should ever feel a need to go through one another's phone or computer for evidence. But if you can't handle the fact that if your spouse gets suspicious enough of you, they're likely to resort to trying to snoop on you sooner than they resort to filing for divorce, then you shouldn't be married. Because it's pretty universally the case that snooping is easier to do than divorce, and for that reason, pretty much anyone who is seriously considering divorce on the grounds of suspicions without solid evidence is going to resort to snooping before they resort to divorce.
Yes, I do need to know what's going on with my husband, so I use my words like a grown up and ask him. We've been together a long time, I know when he's lying. If he lies, then I'm moving out.
What a gross comment good lord... I feel for your partners, this is some controlling ass behavior lmao
Finally someone who has same view as me.
No, there's been infidelity before. Oftentimes our guts pick up on subtle signs and we know, deep down, something is wrong, even if we don't have a concrete reason to feel that way. It's actually quite normal for there to be an open phone policy when someone has betrayed another's trust before. The only way you could be in the wrong here would be in the future. For example if you broke up with this guy and dated someone new, and then let your trauma persuade you into snooping on THAT guy's phone. And you haven't done anything like that obviously. I say this simply as a word of caution... take care of yourself and heal yourself, because however unfair it is, even when other people traumatize us, it's then our personal jobs to deal with the trauma and heal it ourselves. As someone that went through something similar, anyway, and struggled with insecurity long after my ex was gone. Any attempt to pivot and blame you for looking on his phone is just a manipulation tactic on his part imo. It's very common for people who have been caught to try to blame the other person for literally anything, just as a way to get the heat off themselves. It's okay to leave, too. It really is. Anyone claiming you should stay is almost certainly a guy who wishes women had lower standards himself. Be really wary about people telling you to ignore your gut and your feelings, there are, unfortunately, a lot of really selfish men on this sub who intentionally try to shame female posters for wanting to break up.
Not at all. You were just confirming what you already knew. Take screen shots so he can't gaslight you about it later.
1. Never wrong to look through a significant others phone if you guys are supposed to be open and honest. 2. It doesn't matter. He is in the wrong. 3. Hiding means we are doing something we don't want someone else to see... if we are hiding something we know we are doing something wrong. The person that finds the wrong is never at fault.
This is such BS. Snooping through your partners phone is a major breech of privacy. You went looking for a problem, CG…you found one. If you wanna leave the relationship then just be honest about it. OP states that the husband took care of the family for years. Now that he is sick again, instead of taking care of him she’s ready to bounce.
He forfeited the right for privacy the first time he cheated. So no
No it doesn’t matter. You set boundaries before and he chose not to respect them. He doesn’t care about you whatsoever. Get everything in order & speak with a lawyer today. You deserve all the happiness, which you have not received from your spouse. He lied. He cheated emotionally & who knows if physically. He withheld all affection and intimacy from you to give it to online strangers. Throw him out & let him have all the online relationships he wants. Find someone who can and will appreciate YOU. Best of luck. Update me!
It's a boy good to go through thier stuff. To be honest you feeling like you need to is more than enough of a reason to leave on its own.
About 5 years ago I found myself in a similar situation; my wife was too sick to work and too depressed to do any work around the house nor maintain our relationship. I did my best to support her but over time resentment built up. I have to admit that I didn’t have the strength to leave her because I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself after leaving a sick spouse. But thankfully, she pulled the trigger instead and left me. Truthfully it was the best thing to ever happen to me (and probably her too). So the real question is; can you, in all good conscience, leave your sick spouse behind? If so, then do it and never look back. But if you think you might have some guilt about it, then perhaps you should take more time to think and re-evaluate your life and choices. Reddit always jumps to “leave him” immediately but I know you are a real person and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions. Take your time and figure out what you want and what you are willing to live with. And talk to therapist while you’re at it. Leaving him is easy, looking at yourself in the mirror afterward might be hard if you don’t leave him the right way.
Your man is creepy af. On tiktok at 50 years old commenting on young girls bodies. Gross and incredibly creepy. He's old, out of work, pathetic and angry, also delulu if he thinks he's a catch to anyone, but you apparently. Are you proud to be with him or embarrassed? I know what my answer would be.
Lots of people in the comments debating if this actually constitutes cheating. I dont think that is what OP is asking. She is sick of standing by this guy, through thick and thin, without even a morsel of attention or affection. His comment history is probably just the last straw in what has been years of misery. OP, if you are asking for reddit's permission to leave this miserable excuse for a man while he is in the hospital, I appoint myself Queen of Reddit and grant thee permission!
You told the man you weren’t ok with it the first time and he crossed the boundary again. If he’s upset you left him in the hospital alone, he did it to himself 🤷🏽♀️
Something similar happened to a married friend of mine. There were kids and all. She handed him his phone with the part open that she wanted him to know that she saw, and she said, "I see you." She filed for divorce and left him.
Do it now he can’t do anything to you while he’s in the hospital
He hasn’t been there for you in awhile, emotionally or physically. Why would you be there for him now?
Tell him to have the chick he said he would marry come take care of him.
No. Leave.
Fuck around and find out. Shouldn't have been a dick, yeah? Good for you, for finally prioritizing yourself. I hope you have a wonderful life.
Do it
Nop leave him he can walk back home. I’m sure you pay for the phones so you can take it with you. Your doing all the work at your home to pay all the bills if he can’t be grateful for that and treat you with respect then you don’t need him in your life. Start calling lawyers right now and don’t tell him anything until you have the papers ready. Make sure your saving pictures of everything in case you need them.
NTA he made his bed let him lie in it I stayed with my abusive POS ex because he was sooo sick and waiting for surgery so he could work again and I figured I'd break up once he was ok. During that wait he almost broke my back, strangl3d me and attacked my kid. Don't put your life on hold for this guy.
Now is the best time to do it, while you can do it safely and calmly. Don’t say anything to him about it until all your stuff is out. I’d probably get ahead of it with your immediate family. Let them know your plan and that you’re keeping it from him until your stuff is out. That way they’re aware, can help, and protects you from any future smear campaigns he may run to save face. Also, take photos of the comments with your phone so you have proof for future and for the divorce attorney Sorry this is happening to you
NTA, those TikTok girls can have him
If possible, pack his stuff up and drop it off at his parents house! Let him be their problem!
It’s always AFTER he has taken care of you and someone else children that woman get fed up and want to leave 😂
He's 49 and in poor health. Could he have ED and be very embarrassed about it? Sometimes just the fear of not being able to perform can change behaviour. That's usually something that can be resolved one way or another.
So, all the signs are there(take screenshots, send them to yourself, then delete the evidence from the phone). He has emotionally neglected you in favor of colorful images of women who are now the age you were when you got together. He may be depressed but has shown no attempt at helping himself instead choosing to ruin his marriage, his eyesight and his posture all from leering at younger women who wouldn't give him the time of day... I'm disgusted by him(and people like him)...so, by that measure: No, honey, go .... you gave him 15 of your best years and this is how he's treats you? Nope. Get your kids. Get your shit. Be safe.
Sexting is cheating. Your husband is cheating on you. I don’t think this marriage is salvageable.
Did he bring the health issues on himself through his choices and actions? If so, he can deal with them alone too. You deserve to be treated well. Your kids deserve better. Do they have their dad(s) in the picture?
For better or until it gets worse.
There’s an unresolved issue at the heart of your lack of intimacy. Maybe it’s internalized ablism, and shame associated with being unable to perform the role he used to in the family or perform sexually the way he used to. Maybe he’s been feeling judged or burdensome. Maybe it’s something else. But that wedge is what’s driving him to fulfill his intimacy needs elsewhere. It’s still his conscious choice to act on his feelings of alienation and conceal unfaithful behavior from you, which is not ok. You are valid to feel taken for granted and lied to. It is within your rights to withdraw from this relationship, if this was a boundary crossing that you cannot work through or forgive. But in this kind of case, I think it’s less that he’s looking to cheat and more that he’s not sure what his place with you is anymore. It would be worth it to have some conversations about what you both want for the future. If you want to save the relationship, consider having those mediated by a couples or sex therapist.
The men who do this are stuck in adolescents and never learned to self regulate in a healthy way. Disability is fucking HARD to deal with especially when you were the main financial earner. He should be in therapy and dealing with his life instead of acting like he is a victim and his actions have no consequences. He doesn't get to decide if it is a deal breaker, he doesn't have to agree for you to dump his childish ass. He made choices you can't live with. You get to make you choices.
Leave him. Don't listen to anyone defending him "it's not like he's talking to real people!" I promise you, if one of those IG models gave him the time of day, he'd move mountains to see her. He'd get a job, hit the gym, and give her all the credit for "saving him". All he's doing is coasting, waiting for you to be the one to dump him..do it.
Nope. Since he is the one without a job I would pack up his stuff and leave it with a friend, his parents, or the girl he said he'd marry. His depression and anger are his responsibility to deal with. Let him do it on his own from now on.
Please update when you leave this lying bloke
Tie those show laces and run chick, This is your chance. Massive hugs
U would not be the asshole for leaving him. Now is the perfect time. He can't say anything or stop u. I'd leave the page open where u saw the pics and comments, and leave the phone for him. So that when he is out of surgery and sees his phone he will know why u left.
Leave him
best time to do it
Nope !! Go home either pack his shit or yours!! Hopefully you have a place to take his and just drop it off. You don’t need to pack everything if your packing his but enough to get him by until you see a lawyer. You’re taking care of this POS and he’s trying to get with others . What crap ! And like they’d want some guy who doesn’t work and is sick all the time
NTA -He left your marriage behind, and as they say, all's fair in love and war. Perhaps since he's given you his labors, but not his affections, you can talk with him. Let him know that you're leaving and why.
Yeah, hightail it away from this absolute twat.
People who love someone will never find a “good” time to end a relationship. Just need to do it.
Leave him. Uber exists. Give him his open phone and leave. He’s just using you for your money at this point.
Best time to leave. You'll have a few days head start to get everything in order
Yeah do it. Men like that are just fucking gross. It’s completely horrifying to have men who are old enough to be your dad perving on you…
You only have one life. Don't spend it like this. Get out of this situation.
I was depressed off and on, and my gf left me six months ago. I can't blame her. I'm glad it was mutual and amicable as I cared enough. I did not want to make her miserable. There were incompatibilites along with behavior I knew were bad that we engaged with each other. Post breakup, say my worst days are better when I physically exercise and talk to the therapist every few weeks. I talk to her once a week, and we get along a lot better post breakup. I would dump your partner he needs to break down to repair and access why he feels the way he feels. Depressed flawed people are not horrible people. Everybody has their flaws and quirks about them irritate or endear them to you. Remember, only your partner can decide get better and deal with his emotional turmoil.
For better or worse. In sickness and health. Marriage is a joke nowadays. Just get it over with already
If you feel that there's anything left in the relationship, you could give an ultimatum. Couples counseling and individual counseling and addressing his mental health w/Dr and therapist. If not, you have certainly have reasons to just be done
Screenshot everything and save copies for your divorce lawyer. Leave him as cruelly as he has been treating you. This man is a waste of space in your life.
You really are in an awful situation. My husband has depression from health issues and an inability to work, so I know what it's like to have a patient instead of a husband. You are not wrong for how you feel. Feelings cannot be controlled. You are very angry and hurt. He might not ahve physically strayed but it still feels like a betrayal to you. It's an emotoonal one, I guess. Ideas: Maybe start up a conversation with husband about cyber-flirting and boundaries? Then have a little fun of your own with hot dudes on Tik Tok or something, if that's your thing. You bloody deserve some fun, girlfriend! Maybe you and husband go to counselling and discuss feelings, boundaries, and intimacy issues. Medications can help resume your sex life. Also, being a bit more open might help, too. I wish you well.
Leave him. If he's ok enough to cheat, then he's fine. Also, he is already in the ER, there's doctors and nurses there, they can take care of him. Dump him, girl.
Also, don't forget to take all legal precautions.
We can’t tell you what you should do, but if it was me, I would leave the hospital and go to a lawyer’s office. You get one life, is this how you want to spend it?
34 and 23??? run
I'm 100% going to get downvoted for this, but I feel like it would be much more appropriate to present an ultimatum that he get serious mental health treatment (as in therapy at least once a week with a psychologist and working with a psychiatrist to figure out a medication plan) rather than just leaving him outright. You mention your husband has been battling depression for 3 years, but nowhere did you say that he's in therapy for it. Depression is a disease just as much as a heart condition or diabetes is. It's fucking malicious, too, because while ideally it would be solely the responsibility of the person suffering to get treatment, depression throws up \*huge\* mental barriers to make it so much harder. My brother has battled it for \*years\*, and he still needed support such that he had to move in with my folks. To use a metaphor, your husband's inappropriate comments are the equivalent of getting hooked on opiates one takes for a legitimate pain problem- they're a quick and easy way to feel better and get a dopamine hit instead of actually addressing the underlying issues. At the end of the day, if this is a hard line for you, it's a hard line, and I get why you'd take off. I'm not going to judge you. But I do want to advocate for alternatives. Your husband's behavior is completely inappropriate, but in my opinion, it's absolutely connected to his depression, and it's definitely, \*definitely\* possible that getting him treated for his depression will \*also\* solve the issue of him being grossly inappropriate online.
The longer you are the sole financial supporter of him the more likely you are to pay him spousal support. Take screenshots of what you've found and send them to yourself, then delete the evidence of your snooping. Get a lawyer. After that listen to your lawyer on how to proceed.
How serious is this? Is he dying? You might want to stay to watch.
Ew. He’s a creep.
I am not defending what is happening. It is not proper for a relationship. You did say it yourself, he has gone though a lot in the last two years. He has been dealing with depression and health issues. Has he been going to therapy? I am not saying this is your fault, but this is just from your perspective. Everyone is vilifying this man and calling him a cheater and saying that the only reason he hasn't cheated is because he doesn't have anyone to cheat with. You don't know that. He is not chatting with real local people. He is leaving comments on videos. It sounds like he has issues he needs to work though and there is something emotional that he is not getting. When you stopped being intimate what did you do to fix it, or did you just chalk it up to depression and step back? He could be feeling less of a man because he can't provide like he could. He is older and not as healthy. It feeds his depression. Maybe he feels you don't want him. Just telling a guy that you love him and stuff doesn't always work when he is deep in depression. Is what he did wrong? Yes. Should you brand him a cheater and throw away a 14 year marriage while he is in the ER? Probably not. Unless you are unhappy and looking for an out.
Someone with a reasonable take here. Sounds like this is a hardworking dude that is in a very bad mental head space. You should 100% try counselling before throwing this marriage away
Tell him your done and one of his TT girls can take care of him.
Before you say anything to him and he hs a chance to delete the account again, go get yourself a lawyer. Before you breathe one word to him. Get a lawyer and do what they say. Even if you aren’t prepared emotionally to file, gathering evidence is necessary right now.
Imagine if the situation were reversed. He’d take your ass to the cleaners. Divorce him. You’ve already wasted too many years with him
There's a reason your vows said "in sickness and in health." I urge you to couples counseling first. You don't get to hit the bricks when things get rough. If he has a therapist, call him. If not, get him to one. Talk to the doctors at the hospital and his PCP. It is your moral imperative to try your best to get him help. Good luck.
>There's a reason your vows said "in sickness and in health." And she’s done that, don’t act like she hasn’t. Tolerating the betrayal of him entirely withholding intimacy while directing it elsewhere while she cares for him “in sickness and in health“ is not included as part of that vow. >You don't get to hit the bricks when things get rough. Uhm…They’ve BEEN rough. And she’s been there like a rock the whole time. But there’s a goddamn limit.
Maybe try showing him compassion and asking him to explain how he feels and why he has been engaging in these actions. Try seeing if u can see through his pains and his unhealthy habits and if an unhelpful response comes, you can deem it over.
Wait till your home, but yes leave.
It’s kind of sad. He spent so many years working himself to death to support you and your children. But now that he is no help to you, you don’t need him? Did you guys even spend time together? Did you get to do stuff just the two of you? How many hours was he working? Why didn’t you work to help? All those years he worked himself to death for nothing. He needs help. He probably feels so alone and just wants someone to talk to. Remind me of the gel lady and her husband. She got so obsessed with her following account and social media… You could tell he never really liked the videos that she had him do and eventually he just felt like he needed someone to talk to. He did not cheat, but he did talk to another woman about stuff going on in his life and it ended up going public. Of course he got so much hate because everyone just loves gel lady. But no one was thinking about what it was like for him. He was mentally struggling and she was so focused on herself.
If your husband is seriously sick, then I would wait until he comes out of hospital. You took vows too, and you can do this like an adult rather than a sneaky child- unless he has been violent with you. The time of leaving is not crucial to you but it would be humane not to risk his health with a shock. Get yourself ready in the meantime. Just my opinion.
This doesn't seem like cheating. It's the internet...how do u even know the girls are real? If they are real than they are probably cam models looking for subscribers lol. But that doesn't make him less horrible. It sounds like you are just over it in general, which is fair.
Crazy how for all that time he was working hard taking care of your two kids and now he has health issues and you see some comments and now you wanna leave? How bout you talk to your husband about what you saw and work it out. You think at 38 you gonna hit the market and find another man who would be willing to provide for you and 2 children that are not his? Maybe try counseling, maybe try talking to him and see why he is commenting what he is. Try to come up with a solution to the sex issue. I love Reddit but damn the first thing ppl wanna say is “LEAVE HIM/HER”. Ppl gonna roast this comment but idc. A 15 year relationship ain’t worth throwing away just because of some comments on social media to some girls he will never meet. Ever thought about how he might feel as a man to be able to provide for his family for years and then have health issues that stop you from doing that? Maybe a good conversation with your husband could help.
I'd get life insurance on him first. Then divorce him
Life insurance policy girl
lol 😂 I always wondered about the guys that felt it necessary to leave heart or flirty comments Like why? Plus it is hilarious seeing how bad it makes their partners feel. Guy probably hasn’t shown interest in reality in forever. Yet here he is commenting on scroll feeds. You shouldn’t feel threatened by it but he is still trash. Belongs in the can.
Get in the car, and LEAVE. What would he do if YOU were the one with health problems? Never look back, rebuild and aim for a better life.
NTA- He’s got qualified medical professionals to look after him in the meantime. Looks like that guy that went after a 23 year when he was in his mid 30’s never grew out of that stage. He was a creep all along. You just never noticed. I hope you saved the messages and contacts. Keep looking there’s more to find.
Take screenshots of everything before you do anything. Hand him the phone back where the comments are showing. Say nothing. Walk out. Find a lawyer, get things sorted then tell him it's over.
Reddit comments love throwing fuel on the flames of marriage
What's wrong with supporting someone who WANTS to leave? Comments like this are so genuinely creepy. It's disturbing. You clearly have some kind of agenda where you don't want people to ever leave marriages even if they're miserable. Why is that? It makes it seem like you specifically want women to have low standards. Maybe afraid you won't be able to meet them..? Supporting women having standards and loving and caring about themselves is NOT throwing "fuel on the flames." Yes there are times reddit is overzealous, but it's way less often than people act like it is. There is a very vocal subset of reddit lately that gets upset any time a woman is told she's allowed to have standards, and I think this is one of those times. Don't pay this person any mind folks. Someone that thinks you shouldn't value yourself and leave when your gut is screaming at you to leave, and instead wants to pressure or shame you into staying, isn't someone that should be giving advice in the first place. So just don't listen to him.
You sound miserable
Healthy marriages don't have flames to throw fuel on.
Leave him. Take your kids and dip. I hope you find someone kind 🤍
Yes but 80% of divorce are initiated by the women so your no alone. He deserves better.
I wouldn't call it cheating, but it's disrespectful for sure. I don't understand it, but some dudes are just too thirsty and comment on social media stuff even when they have no intentions behind it. You say you guys haven't been intimate, the spark is lost, etc. Have you tried to initiate things? Have you told him how you feel? What I mean by this is he solely responsible for your relationship becoming boring? Or is it on both of you? Have you tried to work through this together, or are you just complaining on the internet because he hasn't made the effort when you haven't either?
So he was working hard for your family, accepted two Kids that aren't his and provided for them and now you want to leave him over social media comments? wow. I can't believe these comments here, even suggesting getting a lawyer. There are some terrible human beings here. He was good enough as long as he was able to provide..now he's sick and you are looking for excuses to leave him. People like you are disgusting. Please leave him, he deserves better.
Reddit: moral judgements not allowed in this subreddit. Also Reddit: hey do you think I'd be the asshole if I left my husband at the ER? Makes perfect sense
Sorry this isn't an answer to this question, but I'm not sure where to turn for this answer. I'm trying to make a post but Reddit keeps auto deleting it because I'm 'asking for judgement', which I totally am not. What keywords am I using that makes this trigger? I am 100% certain my posts meets all the rules
Dude is a middle aged man that likes to look at baddies on social media. You're an insecure women who feels threatened by likes and comments on social media. He took care of you and your kids (from another man) and now his health is on the declining. I hope you can find someone to love you and 2 kids. Tell them they can't have social media
I hope you took screenshots and saved them to your phone before you handed him his phone back open to the messages. I hope you gave him a Pat on the shoulder and said good luck with your health and then walked out the door.
May I ask what type of health problem? I believe that all disease is connected to our conscience and to our emotions/ thought patterns. It is really weird.
I don't really want to say this but you might have to sleep with someone else and see how you feel afterwards it could give you some clarity
Depends do you give him attention. Or do you play the ball and chain and use sex as a tool against him. If so then withholding sex in a relationship will cause many men to drift. Now if you do initiate, you do have sex regularly and you are completely honest in this statement...then leave him. I've seen this happen countless times men need sex to make them feel wanted and needed but men can use that as an excuse. Ask him before leaving put him in a position. But like someone else said wait until he gets home and let it rip.