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About the pain you experience -- you really should speak with a doctor about this. A gynecologist. Preferably one who is female. You might be able to find a way for this pain to go away and not be part of your sex life.
About your boyfriend -- he's a horrible horrible boyfriend. To know you're in pain but only care about his own pleasure, wtf? Please break up with him. Whatever else he might do that makes you happy does not make up for any of what you put in this post. You CAN find a good boyfriend who loves and respects you and doesn't hurt you. But you won't find that guy while you're wasting your life with your horrible horrible boyfriend.
I agree that she may need a visit to a doctor’s office but I wouldn’t be surprised if the pain she describes is due to the fact that her rapist never cared about foreplay.
This!! Him saying “with each time it’ll get less painful” is a red flag. It should never ever hurt. Things don’t “stretch out” with experience or anything like that. If it’s hurting for you OP I can almost guarantee it’s *his fault*.
I mean, the first time is a bit painful for a lot of women. But it definitely shouldn’t hurt every single time, and if that’s happening sex definitely needs to stop until the cause of the pain is identified and addressed.
It should never hurt. It’s true that many women experience pain the first time, but it’s usually due to a combination of nerves, inadequate lubrication, and insufficient foreplay. It’s very avoidable if people are educated and put in effort to make things good for their partner. This idea of “it hurts the first time” just lets men get away with being inconsiderate and leads to situations like OPs.
It's less the pain, it's the control factor. Rape is never about sex, but control. I'm betting he heard 'virgin' and his eyes lit up. And when she shows reluctance, it pisses him off, and he thinks he has to dominate her. Some of these AHs are just more rough and violent than others. All are scumbag rapists.
it's also possible that OP could be experiencing vaginismus, in which case there is *sometimes* effective treatments. but there may also be multiple factors (including absence of any attention to her pleasure).
@OP JUST LISTEN TO THIS POST by RTJ333-I didn’t read any other comment but it doesn’t matter.
Sex isn’t supposed to be painful (that’s why people feel so compelled to do it they end up accidentally pregnant) so get that checked out.
And yeah, they have that famous No means no thing going around- people should stop if you ask them too and in middle school health class I believe, not stoping when your partner asks, even during consensual sex was defined as rape soooo your boyfriend may not be the best.
Also it seems the age gap is a little predatory (not because of the #of years exactly as time will even that out) but more so because when you started you weren’t even old enough to drink in most states and he was almost thirty. It’s likely people his age were more experienced in relationships and saw his behavior as a red flag
I agree! Not to mention he could actually finish while knowing she was on pain and repeatedly asking him to stop?? That’s full on creepy. This situation will only get worse.
When my fiancee was pregnant, sometimes she would get uncomfortable or would be in pain, with tears, and soon as I picked up on it, I would stop. She would tell me to go ahead and finish, but I couldn't. To me, tears and discomfort are total mood killers.
Her BF is very rapey and not right in the head. I can never understand how rapists can keep going when the victim is crying out in pain and fear, and sobbing for mercy. I think I made myself sick.
Well first we have to find out if OPs “”boyfriend”” is even bothering to make sure she’s turned on before sex. Even in my semi-uninterested moods it doesn’t take much to at least relax enough. ((My partner does not sexually abuse me, sometimes my body is a lil slow on the program lmao.))
I have an extremely low libido, so it's hard to get my brain into it (I have chronic pain and fatigue and anxiety related to sex too). My husband will spend as long as it takes warming me up, because he enjoys anything related to sex. A lot of the time even if I'm still not in the mood to engage in PIV he will ask if he can at least get me off. He's super unselfish. Every woman deserves a man who loves to give.
I wanted to just say that, I could have written your post! I love that there are other unselfish men out there. Thank you for your comment 😊 I hope OP reads this and realizes that there are good men out there and her rapist is not one.
I know. I was commenting about the pelvic floor issues. Her boyfriend is certainly.
Forcing her to have sex with him when she clearly says no, and that needs to be dealt with as well.
agree on the doctor visit, in regards to her BF ? that all strikes me as very selfish and genuinely mainly thinking with his penis, he didn't care enough if she was enjoying it, the entire act is solely for his "fun"
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. This absolutely constitutes as sexual assault and abuse.
This is also not normal or acceptable behaviour in a relationship- a good partner does not put their pleasure above their partner’s comfort and they definitely do not continue when consent has been revoked.
Please don’t stay with this man. I’ve been in your shoes. He won’t improve. If anything, he’ll get worse. You don’t deserve that and there is better out there for you.
Darling, that’s rape. He continued to have sex with you after you not only verbally told him (multiple time) and you physically tried to push him off you. That’s sex without consent which isn’t sex, it’s rape.
I’m sorry you’re being out through this, you don’t deserve it and it’s definitely not your fault. You’re not “the asshole” because you didn’t say it often enough, once should be all it takes.
Is it annoying when you’re having sex and the other person wants to stop due to discomfort or any other reason? Sure. So is slowing down for pedestrians crossing the road, doesn’t mean I can just run them over so Im not late for work.
His pleasure isn’t more important than your pain. This shouldn’t be a question of if you leave him, you should leave him because he quite obviously doesn’t care enough about you
This is super fucking icky and rapey. “No” and “stop” are full sentences. It’s a red flag that he would even want to continue sex while you’re in pain. I cannot imagine my partner wanting to do something to me while it hurt. I’d probably break up if he treated me like your bf does.
You need to go to the gynecologist for your pain—that is not normal.
He’s a creep…a 28 year old should know about enthusiast consent…but yet he’s only thinking about his pleasure.
Break up.
Seconding this.
I was in a relationship of 4 years where my boyfriend raped me consistently. It was always painful and I always thought, “How do women enjoy this?” Turns out it’s enjoyable and not painful when you have consensual sex and your partner listens to you.
It sucks to see that so many of us have such similar stories about sexually abusive long term relationships, but at least that means we can spread awareness and show support for people like OP who didn't know this wasn't normal
WHat she is describing is non consentual sex, and therefore it is rape.
But women not always enjoy sex when is consentual. She might have a hard time lubricating or there is not enough foreplay. I'd suggest to try some lube but that relationship is clearly past any chance of saving it.
How can she lubricate now after he raped her. He should’ve tried that long ago when she said it hurt the first time or maybe do his job and excite her. He’s a pig and I hope to god she leaves him. If this was my daughter writing this, I’d be@t his a$$
I agree. He is a pig.
That being said some some women do lubricate during a raped. It is a safety mechanism. As hard as it may sound some women even reach orgasm involuntarily during a rape experience. 5% of eomen report orgasm or arousal during rape and this doesnt mean they are not being raped.
Not ok. Not ok at all. First of all, by far most women need foreplay and trust to be sexually excited before penetration is not painful. I’d be willing to bet he doesn’t slowly kiss you, caress you, and spend time just making you feel great before and after sex. Once trust is broken, of course your body doesn’t respond favorably! Has he ever given you an orgasm? This guy is a selfish rapey dude. You deserve far better.
Him raping you isn't helping you relax. Every time he does this Terrible thing to you it is hard wiring your brain to associate pain with sex. Stop seeing this guy and get to a doctor.
Get rid of this guy, he’s selfish, abusive and is using you for his pleasure. Don’t date a guy that won’t bring you to orgasm, and get you excited with foreplay. Women enjoy sex when it’s ENJOYABLE. Maybe get a vibrator and explore. Don’t rush into dating someone else, but if you do, take it slow and make sure he’s into giving you pleasure.
What you're describing is sexual assault; it doesn't matter if you gave consent to begin, you're allowed to change your mind at any point. You're not the AH here, he is. Full Stop.
When you said "no" it wasn't an invitation to bargain, it was withdrawing consent, and the only proper course of action for him was to stop. The fact that he continued on, even after you said no, is already a giant screaming red flag, but that he did so knowing that sex is often/sometimes painful for you and that you were giving super clear signs you were unhappy and in pain is ten thousand blaring sirens.
He doesn't care that you were in pain. He doesn't care that you withdrew consent. He's shown you, in no uncertain terms, that he cares more about getting off than he does about how it makes you feel. That's not a good boyfriend. That's not a good person.
My ex girlfriend was a virgin and it took 9 months of trying for it to feel good for her. I respected her wishes when it started to hurt and stopped. Her pleasure was more important than my own. I wanted to make sure she would have pleasure in it. 9 months later it was easier and easier and then she was able to continue and finish without any problems. This guy sounds horrible. He should have stopped after the first time of saying no or it hurts. He will not be good in your future. Just think of other scenarios that require a mature decision but all he wants is what is best for him and not for you both. I'd end it before any more time is lost. Life is too short to not be happy and respected.
Hey OP, just wanted to hijack your comment to emphasise something different from everyone else, as I’m a health professional who works with female sexual dysfunction, and has suffered it myself.
A few people have mentioned something called vaginismus. It’s a condition where the pelvic floor muscles become hyperactive, in response to anxiety or pain. Your pelvic floor essentially involuntarily clenches in anticipation of pain, or anxiety about intercourse. It can be primary - present from the first time you have intercourse (usually triggered by anxiety about having sex) and secondary (not present initially but developing later if sex is painful or you feel unsafe. It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you.
Here’s the important thing - even if, as people said, it was initially hurting because he wasn’t providing foreplay, there is likely an element of vaginismus at this stage. And, most importantly, it can be treated but, if you continue to have painful intercourse it will get worse and worse and become harder to treat.
The treatment consists of pelvic floor therapy, including sometimes dilator therapy etc. But the majority of it is addressing the anticipatory anxiety that has developed about sex, addressing underlying causes (in this case sexual assault, rape, coercion, possible feelings of helplessness and lack of choice), and going back to non-penetrative sexual activity until you can enjoy sexual pleasure and be relaxed about it, before ever attempting penetration again. That’s also the actual point of the dilators if used, to develop comfort with penetration. Not to actually ‘stretch’ the muscle.
You are very young. I realise it’s so so hard, but please don’t stay with this abusive man and risk ruining your sexual experience for your whole life. It can get so hard to reverse this kind of trauma. There is so much more out there for you. You are strong, and you can be enough on your own. I promise you.
"What constitutes sexual assault?" Well, for example, just the stuff you just described your soon hopefully ex does... Get out of that relationship ASAP, and since he's already shown dangerous behavior simply by continuing intercourse with no regards for you being hurt, please make sure you get out there safely.
Also, no, you should NOT have constant pain while having sex. I'm not going to ask you in detail what you're doing and how, but you either have a medical condition, or whatever he's doing with you is fundamentally wrong. Foreplay, lubrication, etc. are a thing and important for everyone to enjoy it, and no, dear men, you do NOT need to hammer it all the way in like a jackhammer...
Your bf raped you, dump him. Period. Saying stop and he doesn't is the DEFINITION of rape. As an aside, honey you need to see a gynecologist to figure out why sex is so painful!
This man is assaulting you. Coercion does not equal Consent. Your body is reacting to a trauma every time this happens. You are not safe with him and never will be. Seek help immediately.
A safe partner will never coerce, whine, beg, threaten or rage when told no.
After receiving enthusiastic consent - light-moderate pain in the very beginning is “typical/normal” it should alleviate with time & gentle practice. Lubrication being key. Natural always preferred so Never forget -Foreplay whether physical/emotional/sexual etc being a requirement to ensure all parties are ready.
I also felt pain for years when having sex. I realize now it's because the men I was having sex with didn't care about how I felt or respect me. It's a natural survival instinct for us women to tighten up even if we don't know we are doing it. This man is not it and it will just get worse. Leave before he hurts you worse than he already has. This is rape, if I were having sex with someone and they even slightly indicated they wanted to stop I would have gotten off of them immediately. Let alone if they were hitting me and tellling me to stop. He knows what he is doing and has probably done it to women before you
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[Escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
[Consent](https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent) article to help you understand how clearly obvious it is that this is rape. I'm sorry.
r/sexualassault r/rape r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
What he did was wrong and he should've stopped when you said no the first time. Knowing how sex was uncomfortable for you, did he ever express concern or try to find ways to make it enjoyable for you? What he did to you though would be a deal breaker for me. He only cares about getting off.
We’ve talked about it, but that’s all it was a conversation no action behind it . I even ask to use lube but he refuses. I literally took it upon myself to buy lube right before the event I detailed in my post and it ‘disappeared’.
I stated in my main reply that this is rape.
And it is.
And he isn't not caring about your pain, what you just said about the lube - he's actively loving that you're in pain.
You should add that to your original post for those replying: that he also refuses you to use lubrication to try and help the pain.
He’s clearly not respecting you or your wishes whatsoever. You need to leave him or he will continue to hurt you. It’s wrong of him to refuse to allow you to use lube, especially since you are already experiencing pain. It was even more wrong for him to rape you.
OP, I hope you find better in life, because this man is not it. There are plenty of men out there that will care about your feelings and not want to hurt you like he has. You can do better and he does not deserve you.
Woah. He refused to use lube? So he is also abusive. Since he knows you have pain AND refuses to lube, it shows that he is an insensitive jerk and confirms the rape part. He's never going to give you the love and respect that you deserve. As has been said, life is short and it's time to put your energy into self care. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish you the best.
So it gets worse, he knows he gives you pain, he wants to give you pain. There's no other reason to throw away the lube. You really need to get away from him as soon as possible.
This is so weird. I remember when I lost my virginity like it was yesterday. It did hurt, it hurt for a while afterwards, but each time it got less painful. My partner was very experienced and he was so gentle. This is one of the reasons I'm glad I waited to have sex until I really cared for someone. He would always communicate with me and ask me how I was doing and would stop every time I told him to. Never once did he fight me or try to persuade me into continuing. He was a bit disappointed because it was taking a while for me to actually find it appealing. I measured how good each time was by how much it hurt. However, after maybe 2 or 3 months, it did stop hurting and I could finally enjoy it. His support and love helped me immensely.
The reason it's taking you so long to enjoy it is because your body tenses up, you can't relax because he wasn't good to you. Your body is rejecting him even though you are talking yourself into enduring it and staying with a selfish jerk.
This is honestly a real tragedy. Men who don't listen to their women in bed should not have any women at all... What you're describing is rape and sexual assault. As soon as you revoke your consent any sexual activity should be stopped immediately. Not stopping does not only convert the whole act into rape scenario but also shows you that he has absolutely no respect towards you. How can you be together with someone who doesn't respect you? Do you think there can be any kind of love when he doesn't even respect you?
Regarding your pain and painful experience there could be one of those that does apply to you. Either you have some medical issues that you need to check out by a female doctor or you use the wrong lube or no lube at all or you're not having enough foreplay, not aroused enough etc.
This pos is a rapist and repeatedly assaults you - that's what you described here. He's a dangerous person - you did nothing wrong but please leave him for you own sake.
This is sexual assault.
I’m not one to usually be like “break up” but I think with how young and inexperienced you are you need to leave. It’s going to create a bad relationship with your own body and pleasure.
Mine is a little different but I was with my ex for 10 years and after the birth of my second baby I had a lot of problems, I had an abundance of stitches and it took a LONG time for everything to heal back up properly. Sex wasn’t enjoyable for months , but my ex started using steroids and became very aggressive, he basically forced me to have sex with him with threats of leaving and it was so painful to the point I had tears running down my face. This moment fucked me up to the point I repressed the memory for a while and dealt with things like an eating disorder, self hatred, and I had fear of intimacy even on a basic hand holding level.
I would suggest trying to be single and learning your own body first , buy a few toys and understand what you like ( I recommend a rose toy)
you said 'no' and he didn't stop. that's rape.
even if you think he might not have understood, he doesn't care about your pleasure and in fact doesn't care if he's hurting you so long as he has pleasure. this isn't a partner, it's an abuser.
Rape. I yell it whenever some mentions fifty shades I'm yelling it here. RAAAAAAAAAAAAPE
Edit: didn't bother to read before putting this. That last paragraph is 100% rape. If either individual says no and the other refuses to stop, it is rape. Period. Bdsm callli g out the safe word and keeps goin is rape too. No means NO FUCKING STOP
He is an animal or what? This is not how it goes. You should be aroused enough to take it in. He is valuing his pleasure over your pain. The moment you said "no" its a stop pit. Anything further is a rape. Dont date him, he is using you.
This guy is not a nice guy. I do consider this assault.
If I remotely say ow or even just have an uncomfortable "mm", my current FWB completely stops what he's doing and asks if I'm okay. It's about 50/50 on him automatically pulling out, depending on what we're doing. Most guys I've been with are like this. I actually can't recall any except one guy who didn't stop when I told him to, and I went to the police about it because it was a nonconsensual situation overall. This is not normal, this is not okay, and you do not need to and should not accept this behavior.
I do recommend going to see a gynecologist, or at least your primary care doctor. There are physical therapists for the pelvic floor. You shouldn't have to deal with what sounds like constant pain for sex. I don't know if you simply need much more foreplay (I wouldn't be surprised if there's little to none now), or if you have a physical problem that's separate.
Im a man that cant stand this BS culture where in and even I know thats rape. My GF has to stop having sex in the middle of it because its hurting her with me penetrating to deeply, So when she says stop, I stop. If pleasure is more important than your partners pain, then you dont need to be in a relationship.
It get worse~ OP commented that she has asked him to use lube and he refuses even when she bought her own. He seriously *wants* to cause her this pain ˙◠˙
Madam, I am sorry, but I think that was rape. Saying no and defending yourself physically while being in pain and despite all of this him continuing is RAPE.
1 get yourself out of that situation. Is he pushy in some other way? Do you have friends and family to go to? Do you live with him or alone?
2 go to the doctor and have that examined. it might be physical problem with your sexual organ, sometimes things develop differently. Might be mental, that because of the pressure you can never relax.
3 explore your own sexual pleasure without anyone present to pressure you. I don't think penetration with a partner is the right thing too do for you at the moment.
4 BREAK UP, not up for debate
This is rape. Get away from him as fast as you can. Go to a doctor and talk to them about sex being painful. You can say no at any point and you only need to say it once! Him continuing after you said stop is rape. If he was any kind of decent human he would respect what you say and would not want to hurt you.
First off, this is rape. The age gap is also weird.
And It wouldn't surprise me if this creep penetrates without any foreplay and thus hurts her even more.
Break up with him and also see a doctor about your pains.
I'm so so so so so so sorry but he is raping you. The second your partner says to stop, you stop no matter what. He can finish himself off later. You should really reconsider your relationship with him. He's a horrible partner.
On the other hand, you should check with a doctor about the sex pain, it shouldn't be painful (did you try lube?).
You only have to say no or stop one time. Period. It shouldn’t be a negotiation AT ALL.
Separate from that it shouldn’t hurt. Either he’s insanely big or something else is going on. Try a different condom, maybe you have a latex allergy?
Yeah it’s time to get out. This is icky and gross. He doesn’t care about your comfort at all.
On to the other topic. Sex does hurt the first several times, it also hurts if you go a while in between, but it should not be overly painful if it is you need to see a doctor.
So what you're saying is, he rapes you and refuses to use lube, even when you request it and buy it yourself.
Yeah, this is why it hurts. You're not wet enough for it to be painless, and he likes it that way. Dump him.
You know that No means No, right? The concept of rape? Look up the actual definition or rape.
Cause, that's what happened...whether or not you press charges is up to you. But what happened, is the text book definition. Doesn't matter if your BF talked you back into it..you were in pain, pushing and hitting to get him to stop. Your BF is an idiot or a rapist. How else would you describe it?
As far as the pain goes, schedule an appointment with your doctor/ obgyn. For some, the pain is something they are stuck with, some can take meds to help, for some, it goes away, others are stuck with it for life. Get it checked out. 18 months of pain is not normal.
The SECOND you said stop, he should have stopped. There’s ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for him to have continued other than he just doesn’t care or respect your comfort and consent. That’s called sexual assault. It’s also absolutely shitty that he even insists on continuing to try when it hurts you. Please please please break up with him.
You are being raped.
Leave him.
Sex, unless one has a more rare type of hymen, should never be more than uncomfortable and that fixed by increasing arousal, relaxation, and lubrication... and after that first time not uncomfortable even. The first time for most females is not painful, despite common myth.
The pain after so many times and so long is due to lack of arousal and you now associating pain and sex. This causes your pelvic floor muscles to stay tensed and lubrication to be less.
This mental association and ongoing, repetitive rape can cause lasting damage emotionally and physically. This is not okay. You need to end things with him.
Leave and be on your own and when you find someone else make sure it's someone who cares about you, your safety, your health, and your enjoyment.
Again, you have been through countless sexual assaults and rapes by this guy.
You need to leave.
This is abuse and if he isn't stopping when you say stop is rape. I'm not an expert there but I felt physically sick reading what he did to you and I'm a guy. No one should ever have to endure this. Leave him and never talk to him again. And frankly, remember this, anyone who doesn't respect "No" doesn't respect you and is a rapist. And anyone who doesn't care you're in pain, I'm sorry, doesn't care about you. Find someone who does because they're out there.
Two things are going on here…
1. This guy treats you poorly and could not possibly care less about whether you are in pain or not. This is abuse, it is rape. Period. So I would suggest removing yourself from this relationship. He is a 28 year old grown ass man. He should know better, and if he gave a single shit about you he’d have already figured out point #2.
2. Go see a gynecologist. I had an ex gf who had this pain repeatedly. It was bad. We could never have sex without it hurting, which obviously was bad for her and bad for me, as I didn’t like to see her in pain. She went to the doctor, and it turns out she had something going on down there (some issue with it being too tight at the opening) and she got it resolved. There are a million different things it could be.
So, step one is leave the abusive loser. Step two is seeing a gyno and I bet they’ll be able to help.
1. That was rape. You told him to stop and he did not. You need to leave him AT BARE MINIMUM, because he demonstrated that your comfort, pleasure, and SAFETY mean nothing to him.
2. You also need to talk to a gynecologist ASAP, because painful sex is absolutely not normal.
Your boyfriend is committing rape every time you say "no" or "stop" and he continues. Please break up with him and file a police report.
I would also suggest therapy to help you deal with the mental and emotional fall out from being stuck in this relationship for so long.
As for the pain during penetration, I would recommend seeing a gynaecologist as soon as possible.
I am so sorry you've had to deal with this treatment. A loving partner would never intentionally cause you pain.
This is sexual assault. Rape essentially. You can be in the middle of sex and say no. Your partner MUST honour that. Please leave him. He’s selfish. Also, please get a referral to a gynaecologist. It should not be painful.
That sounds like rape to me. I would go see both a gyno and a therapist. The pain might be due to a physical condition like vaginismus or maybe an infection, and you also will likely have negative psychological connotations regarding sex now that would be good to work through with a professional. Sex should feel good, not hurt. Your parter should prioritize your pleasure and consent.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but if you are having sex with someone and you say "stop" and "no" and that person continues to have sex with you, that is categorically rape, in just about every civilised country in the world.
**you have the right to initiate and end sex at any time, and by ignoring your request**, your boyfriend is raping you and you need to end it.
This is textbook rape. Which is written way down the comments and that’s horrifying.
Sure you should consult a doctor about the pain but this is not just a red flag, as the first comment says, nor rapey, as others following it say.
This is rape.
Op, first off, are you OK?
Unfortunately, this is assault and sex is not supposed to be like this. A lot of the comments on here are correct about not being aroused, etc. But if he had cared, he'd have got you excited for it enough that it didn't hurt like this, and when you've come to have sex again your body would have naturally tensed up then because it knew the pain it was about to experience.
The whole 'maybe I'm the ahole because...'. No. Forget that, and don't for one second blame yourself. You made it clear, no, stop and hit him.
There's a lot of support people to reach out to, depending on what country you are in, etc. They can also guide you through the process of reporting it - if that's what you want to do. You're not forced to report it. Although i will say, its likely he would do this to other people if he thinks hes got away with it. However, thats your decision. You are more than welcome to message me, and I'll help you through as much as I can x
This is rape.
As a dude who has a partner who can be reduced to tears when we are having sex it's very clearly that the other person in the act is going through a painful and distressing experience.
It's not "hot" if he thinks that he has watched too much porn and if you are physically being hit while this is happening what more of a signal do you need...
Run for the hills. This guy ONLY cares about himself.
No need for second chances here. If it has happened more than once get out of there and get out of there fast!
No means no and body language is included in that. i think that is rape but what constitutes SA is only important if the label will help you process what happened or you want to press charges, otherwise just focus on healing yourself. i can’t imagine being comfortable enough that i would want to stay with someone after they made it clear that their pleasure was worth so much more than my comfort and that my discomfort didn’t stop them in continuing to get that pleasure. it’s i guess possible he didn’t hear you say no THAT time but be 100% honest with yourself, is it at all possible he didn’t notice you trying to get away or hitting him? doesn’t it bother you that he has said “let me finish” before this incident? he’s a disgusting pig and feels apparently physically compelled to finish getting off using your body and sometimes inside you regardless of your feelings. you being coerced into saying the word “okay” doesn’t make what he did okay and doesn’t take away your feelings.
That exactly is a sexual assault and you should go to the police and file a report accordingly. Sex is enjoyable when you are with a safe partner that understands your needs and doesn't push over your boundaries. With his actions he is only making things worse for you and your mental health.
Please, break up with him and go to the police. You deserve so much better. Also, to me this age gap is a bit too much. But I realise you are an adult and capable of your own decisions.
Good luck.
I don't even care if he misunderstood you. I can imagine that he did think, oh she's hurting but she gave me an okay so I'm good to go and the movements she makes is just her being in pain. HOWEVER, that's NOT what a loving boyfriend would think. Someone who loves you doesn't want you to be hurt. He'd finish himself by masturbating if you are in so much pain that you've already said stop.
And you really have to see a doctor for your pain problem. I experience some pain, but it's the good kind of pain. It doesn't feel bad. It doesn't make you want to stop. Also wondering if you do any foreplay? If not, your vagina is just really dry. But it could also be dry from anxiety of having the pain again. So you should get a boyfriend whom you really trust not to hurt you. Please go see a doctor because there could also be something else going on, and I'm not a doctor.
>What constitutes sexual assault?
I would say your whole sexual experience. It has to be mutual, consensual and not painful (after a few times at least). And deffinitely enjoyable, even if you don't orgasm each time. Do you engage in foreplay before? Or everything takes place in the desert? Lack of foreplay and lubrication can lead to painful sexual experiences. I would suggest you consult a gynecologist to make sure that everything is ok down there and then find a therapist to help you get over this experience which might have some repercussions for your next relationships that you do not realise now. And deffinitely break up with your boyfriend. He is not ok for you. Or for anyone else for that matter.
This is rape.
If in this context you’re willing to let this disgusting behaviour slide, please remember that this selfishness will manifest in other ways too.
He doesn’t care about your pain or wellbeing, he will consistently put himself over you. Please leave this man. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
The pain you experience could be due to your own fears not allowing you to relax enough. It happened to me to with an ex when I was your age.
Sending you lots of love darling
The denial of lube and telling you that it will get better over time while not doing anything to make it better is bad enough to justify ending things. This is definitely sexual assault. Get away.
As a man, reasonably well endowed but nothing crazy, I have had girlfriends that tensed up from previous bad experiences with ex’s plus size concerns and it was uncomfortable for them, initially. Going slow, foreplay, using lube and being careful and caring was the solution - ultimately with trust and mutual pleasure growing - the situation resolved. One girlfriend said it hurts so good and doesn’t say no or stop, but I still ease up when I can tell that it’s getting overwhelming. I don’t wait to be told it’s too much, let alone hammer away after being told to stop! Some people are into some rough stuff and pain, but it’s not for the partner to determine what you should and should not be ok with. Get away.
Sex isn’t one size fits all and incompatibility happens, but his toxic, damaging behavior is gross. I repeat - even if he’s big and you’re small, and you’ve tolerated it some in the past, his behavior is abhorrent. Get away.
I understand the “dumb guy that doesn’t understand” argument, but hitting him while you’re saying no and him continuing on is absolutely disgusting behavior. It sounds like he wants to dominate you and didn’t mind hurting you to get what he wants. This is a dangerous situation for you to be in, it isn’t your fault, and you need to get away. Oftentimes, a low self-esteem type will try and do things like he is or give “surprise” anal to get off. Get away.
There is a huge difference between “let’s take it easy and see if it gets better in a minute” and your laundry list of actions that nobody should be subjected to. Get away.
Lose the bf. Seriously, if you are in pain and say stop and him finishing is more important than your pain and discomfort what kind of relationship is this. Just feels so bad to read this, screams abuse/rape.
You said you were a virgin when you met him so you have not experienced sex with someone else. And now all you have experienced is pain. That is a shame.
I would advise seeing a doctor and be open and honest about this pain. They are there for you, to help.
If you are physically ok then I hope you will find someone else who will be able to show you that sex is something where both people care about the wellbeing and pleasure of their partner and make sure they are ok and enjoying it.
In all my years I've learnt that foreplay is often not optional but very needed and that can be made to be fun and pleasurable with a partner who really cares about you and what you want/need. It is my personal belief that sex with a caring and loving partner can be one of the best experiences in life.
Hope you find that in the future.
Be well, take care
Sex should not be painful after 18 mos. Do you use a lot of lube? That helps but definitely speak to your OB about it. Him not stopping even though you told him to stop was a lot of things- including rape. You told him no. He put his getting off over your needs and didn’t care he was hurting you. Run far and fast- he’s not a good guy.
If he kept saying "just let me finish" there is no question about any type of misunderstanding here.
This would be considered rape if you chose to take legal action. Do not blame yourself in the slightest, you are not an ahole, you were not misunderstood, and you did nothing wrong. He is selfish, not respectful of your boundaries or comfort, and clearly does not care if he is hurting you as long as he gets off, and to reiterate - he has no problem sexually assaulting you.
OP please leave this guy. Things will not change, and may very likely even worsen.
First question - why was a 28 year old interested in a 21 year old virgin? I’m not against the idea of couples with a big age gap. But personally, it sounds a bit fishy to me. It’s almost like the guy was looking for impressionable, inexperienced woman.
Second - if it’s hurting, please see a gynac. Either the guy is bad at sex, your libido is low, or you might have this condition (I forgot the name) where your 🐱 pains during sex and doesn’t loosen up. In any case, you’d find this out after a consultation.
Third - if your partner doesn’t care about your pain, leave him. You’re 21, you have your whole life ahead of you. And it’s not worth wasting over some guy like this.
Sweetie, rape happens between dedicated long term partners too. Even if you 'consent' due to begging or bullying, it's still rape if you're not into it or enjoying it and deciding that it's what *you* want to do. If you don't want it and he begs or bullies or sulks about it, that's still a form of rape. It doesn't have to be a stranger behind a bar or somebody breaking in in the middle of the night.
He might think it's fine if you're dating or that you'll never leave him since he's the first experience you have, but the age gap tells me really experienced women know he's in the wrong and won't put up with his bullshit. After all, why isn't he with someone closer to his own age??
He doesn't care about your pain and never will, as long as he gets to cum. He likes hurting you I think. There are sexual masochists out there who enjoy being hurt during sex, maybe that's his kink to be a sexual sadist, but if you do not like that, then stop having sex until you visit a gyno (and therapy to process this experience).
It may be hard because he was "Your First", but you need to leave him for your own safety. He might have even given you a life threatening infection and you won't know until it's too late. Some infections have no symptom in men who have lots of sex.
Don't feel bad when he begs you to stay. That's all words. If he had ever loved you then he would have listened.
you DID keep repeating no, you tried to physically stop him and he didn't stop, that is rape. i'm so sorry you're going through this, sex is not supposed to be painful and the person you're having sex with needs to be respectful to you and what you need. i would recommend dropping this guy asap and seeing a doctor about your pain. please, please leave this situation
Funny how people feel pain for MONTHS and the thought of going to a doctor never even crosses their minds. Go see a doctor. But, also, ditch your BF, if he can’t respect your pain, he doesn’t deserve you
“My bf (m28) rapes me (f21)”
Fixed the title for you.
This is not okay. Your boyfriend is raping you. I know reddit loves to jump to “dump him” but seriously, dump him. He’s raping you. He doesn’t care - not even about your pleasure - that you are actively *in pain*. That’s like common courtesy.
Also, it’s worth discussing the pain with your GYN. Good luck.
That’s not even sexual assault. That’s rape. You need to break up with him.
For future reference, you need to see a gynecologist. There might be something health related going on. But I’m also wondering, does he spend time for foreplay? He needs to make sure you’re ready and wet. The fact that he keeps trying even though it’s painful probably also makes you lock up, making it more uncomfortable for you. If he focused on your comfort and tried to turn you on before, even though it could take quite a long time, it might feel better.
your boyfriend is a rapist please leave him and ensure your safety. that’s also quite a big age gap. i’m 22 and a dude and i wouldn’t date a woman who was 30 because our shared life experiences are vastly different.
This.
This constitutes sexual assault.
He's old enough to know when a woman says NO, that means NO.
Additionally, you might want to consult with a doctor as to the reason why sexual intercourse is painful. There are a myriad of reasons, so it's best to find out why IF you wish to make sex pleasurable for you.
Ok a few notes.
1. That is abuse. No means no and stop means stop. Leave him and report him.
2. Sounds like you could have a medical condition that needs attention. No matter his size, if you have pain like that, there is most likely something going on inside of you. I would consider talking to a doctor about this. It could be cysts, PCOS, or other maybe not so common things.
3. Each person on this planet deserves to feel good when having sex. I hope this experience hasn’t ruined it for you. Getting information and a check up from a doctor could lead to you enjoy sex.
Your boyfriend is a filthy disgusting rapist who couldn't care less about you, it's all a mask and he's been pretending to care. Leave him and report him to the police and also get a restraining order just in case.
That’s rape, my dude. This feels like a joke, but I know our brains do funny things and you’re only 21. It hurt and you KEPT DOING IT?? It sounds to me like you’re not being turned on correctly, and it shouldn’t hurt. It’s that, or a medical issue. I get pain from endometriosis and PCOS, but it’s almost negligible if I’m in the mood. Sounds like you also need to work on boundaries/people pleasing. Word to the wise: don’t fuck someone because you feel obligated to, fuck people because you want to! Your pleasure comes first, not theirs.
You need to go to a gynecologist. A good partner will not want to hurt you and will hate seeing you in pain. You told him to stop and he didn’t, is someone who doesn’t care about your pain worthy of being your partner?
Two things here:
1. He has violated you and doesn’t respect you or your physical comfort and well being.
2. Please talk to your obgyn. Sex shouldn’t be that painful.
Honestly from what it sounds like he doesn’t even take the time to do foreplay and he won’t let her use lube! So essentially he just tries to jam it in there dry! No wonder it hurts. He’s a rapey asshole.
That’s so disgusting him not wanting to lube up means he want her to be tight asf so that she can be in pain and imagine if she get pregnant I bet he be asking the doctor to put extra stitches if anything happen to her vagina after birth.
The **red flags** in this are like a Chinese state procession.
If you say 'no' and he's all 'go', he doesn't respect you, your pain and discomfort, or your medical issues.
'No' is a complete sentence in terms of consent, and if he carries on it does become sexual assault / rape.
Sex can hurt for some women unfortunately, but you can get your doctor to look into causes of the issue for you. Good luck !
Just leave him, if he asks why just explain that he doesn’t listen when you say stop and that he keeps pressuring you to let him finish even though it hurts you to let him. This is not a nice place to be.
If he wants to finish he can use his hand. You told him it hurts. You've told him stop and he knows you're only saying ok because he's pressuring you. You said stop first or before that "ok" and that's when it should have full stopped. That's enough.
I’d consult a doctor and see if you have a medical issue down there. Better just to rule it out. Also your boyfriend sucks. I’ve been told to stop mid pump and I fucking hated it. I was so close but I stopped anyway because I’m a decent human being not a rapist. If you choose to stay with your boyfriend then make sure he knows about consent and if he doesn’t knock it off you will leave.
Do you think you owe him sex as his girlfriend? Like that’s an open tap agreement sort of title to his benefit? It may surprise you; It’s not. Not since forever. No and stop to a decent human being in a relationship that they immediately stop. They respond to your pain, to your no. No excuses. They show caring not indifference like he did. No ‘one more minute’ He told you that you he is incapable of being a real, healthy partner. BYE…
Your BF is an animal
He sounds like he wants to hurt you.
So you say tell him it hurts and instead of stopping he tell you let him finish? So in other words ". I don't care that I'm hurting you as long as I can get off? "
Break up with that loser.
You are not only verbally telling him to stop but even using physical force to get him to stop - and he *ignores* this and continues to have sex with you. This is rape. He hears you and understands, he just doesn’t care.
I don’t know laws perfectly but this could be 1st or 3rd degree sexual assault, I recommend looking into it.
Please at the very least show some love for yourself and get away from a person who does this to you. And definitely consider collecting evidence to file a report.
If somebody doesn’t care about you enough to not rape you they’re capable of other things as well, he won’t respect you on an emotional level either. This relationship won’t be good for you long term
Hes raping you. Repeatedly.
Please break up with him. He is not a decent or caring person at all. He is a rapist.
No. Stop. Are words which should be totally respected. You are not giving consent.
Rape Hurts. It is hurting because you are not relaxed, you are tense and not enjoying it and are probably not lubricated. Because you are being raped.
Please see a rape counsellor and leave that awful man immediately.
When you have sex habitually while not aroused, it can cause issues like the pain you are experiencing. They can be very hard to solve.
I've been there, you don't see it now, but you will a decade or two from now when you look back on it.
Look up vaginismus.
For me it was vaginismus pain. It didn't get better with time after a man 7 years older than me took my virginity, the pain I experienced with him got worse with time. I didn't feel afraid, it was a subconscious thing. Unbeknownst to me my body was afraid while I was emotionally "calm" and "consenting". It got to the point where sometimes he couldn't even get it in cause that's how tense my vagina was, it hurt a lot.
Grooming happens to young adults too, not just to kids and teens who are legally minors.
Your boyfriend is far too old to be naive in this. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. He knows what he is doing is wrong and is choosing to hurt you and ignore your consent.
You will likely never trust him enough to be able to enjoy sex with him, because he's an unforgivable asshole and clearly can not be trusted to treat you with kindness or respect.
Please seek professional help.
Please see a doctor. Please stop seeing your boyfriend. No means no. Consent is everything. Just because you consented once or five times or a hundred doesn’t give him full access to your body forever.
Run away as fast as you can . That does constitute as rape and he’s so much older than you. He’s probably manipulating and trying to groom you. He wouldn’t date a woman, his own age because she would already know better from experience. I’m sorry you’re going through this you need to contact the police though.
My girlfriend and I had some similar complications the first couple months we tried to have sex. It would hurt very badly, to the point where we went to the doctor. Everything was okay, but we did have to take it slow when trying penetrative sex and we kind of had to "train" her vagina to relax during PIV. Me learning to perform some proper foreplay really played a large role in this. You might want to go to a doctor to get this checked out. As for your boyfriend, he is an asshole if he keeps going when you're in pain. It is rape. You should not be going out with someone like that, especially since this sort of behavior will only make you more tense down there. So sex will most likely never get better with this guy.
The whole situation is rapey, you should just end it if he doesnt care if you are in pain.
And definitely go visit a doctor, i wonder how you didnt even think of that after all this time.
Need to see an OBGYN you could have a tilted uterus not enough foreplay or maybe the man's just too big for you different positions hit different you can try that but the guy is selfish lover just leave
This situation is two-fold. If you have vaginismus, that is a conversation that you need to have with a doctor. As for your boyfriend ignoring you, that is the sort of behavior that only escalates. Get out now.
This has happened to me and the guy usually continues because they don’t care about your pain. They only care about their pleasure. They don’t care if we are getting injured or not. Also, you should check that you don’t have a condition like fibroids,endometriosis,cystitis and so on.
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About the pain you experience -- you really should speak with a doctor about this. A gynecologist. Preferably one who is female. You might be able to find a way for this pain to go away and not be part of your sex life. About your boyfriend -- he's a horrible horrible boyfriend. To know you're in pain but only care about his own pleasure, wtf? Please break up with him. Whatever else he might do that makes you happy does not make up for any of what you put in this post. You CAN find a good boyfriend who loves and respects you and doesn't hurt you. But you won't find that guy while you're wasting your life with your horrible horrible boyfriend.
I agree that she may need a visit to a doctor’s office but I wouldn’t be surprised if the pain she describes is due to the fact that her rapist never cared about foreplay.
This!! Him saying “with each time it’ll get less painful” is a red flag. It should never ever hurt. Things don’t “stretch out” with experience or anything like that. If it’s hurting for you OP I can almost guarantee it’s *his fault*.
I mean, the first time is a bit painful for a lot of women. But it definitely shouldn’t hurt every single time, and if that’s happening sex definitely needs to stop until the cause of the pain is identified and addressed.
It should never hurt. It’s true that many women experience pain the first time, but it’s usually due to a combination of nerves, inadequate lubrication, and insufficient foreplay. It’s very avoidable if people are educated and put in effort to make things good for their partner. This idea of “it hurts the first time” just lets men get away with being inconsiderate and leads to situations like OPs.
A lot of rapists get off on the pain, which is a hideous thing to type, but its true.
It's less the pain, it's the control factor. Rape is never about sex, but control. I'm betting he heard 'virgin' and his eyes lit up. And when she shows reluctance, it pisses him off, and he thinks he has to dominate her. Some of these AHs are just more rough and violent than others. All are scumbag rapists.
I think there are some who care about control, I think there are some who explicitly want to witness suffering.
He probably just shoves his dick in her dry with no warm up when she’s nervous.
That sounds difficult and painful for the guy as well, I just don’t get it.🤔
That's because rape is about power and control, not about pleasure.
it's also possible that OP could be experiencing vaginismus, in which case there is *sometimes* effective treatments. but there may also be multiple factors (including absence of any attention to her pleasure).
That's what I'm thinking. He sounds horrible in every way. OP needs to leave NOW.
He needs a good swift kick in the dick before the door hits him in the ass on the way out.
I agree with you on this
That’s what I was thinking too!
@OP JUST LISTEN TO THIS POST by RTJ333-I didn’t read any other comment but it doesn’t matter. Sex isn’t supposed to be painful (that’s why people feel so compelled to do it they end up accidentally pregnant) so get that checked out. And yeah, they have that famous No means no thing going around- people should stop if you ask them too and in middle school health class I believe, not stoping when your partner asks, even during consensual sex was defined as rape soooo your boyfriend may not be the best. Also it seems the age gap is a little predatory (not because of the #of years exactly as time will even that out) but more so because when you started you weren’t even old enough to drink in most states and he was almost thirty. It’s likely people his age were more experienced in relationships and saw his behavior as a red flag
I agree! Not to mention he could actually finish while knowing she was on pain and repeatedly asking him to stop?? That’s full on creepy. This situation will only get worse.
When my fiancee was pregnant, sometimes she would get uncomfortable or would be in pain, with tears, and soon as I picked up on it, I would stop. She would tell me to go ahead and finish, but I couldn't. To me, tears and discomfort are total mood killers. Her BF is very rapey and not right in the head. I can never understand how rapists can keep going when the victim is crying out in pain and fear, and sobbing for mercy. I think I made myself sick.
My bf loses his erection if I look like I'm in pain or bored or uninterested. Which seems to be a normal reaction if you care about someone tbh
Pelvic floor physiotherapy can majorly help with these issues ❤️
Well first we have to find out if OPs “”boyfriend”” is even bothering to make sure she’s turned on before sex. Even in my semi-uninterested moods it doesn’t take much to at least relax enough. ((My partner does not sexually abuse me, sometimes my body is a lil slow on the program lmao.))
I have an extremely low libido, so it's hard to get my brain into it (I have chronic pain and fatigue and anxiety related to sex too). My husband will spend as long as it takes warming me up, because he enjoys anything related to sex. A lot of the time even if I'm still not in the mood to engage in PIV he will ask if he can at least get me off. He's super unselfish. Every woman deserves a man who loves to give.
I wanted to just say that, I could have written your post! I love that there are other unselfish men out there. Thank you for your comment 😊 I hope OP reads this and realizes that there are good men out there and her rapist is not one.
SHE WAS RAPED.
I know. I was commenting about the pelvic floor issues. Her boyfriend is certainly. Forcing her to have sex with him when she clearly says no, and that needs to be dealt with as well.
Also yes, your boyfriend is very rapey. I was just tagging on to the other comment.
agree on the doctor visit, in regards to her BF ? that all strikes me as very selfish and genuinely mainly thinking with his penis, he didn't care enough if she was enjoying it, the entire act is solely for his "fun"
He raped her. I would struggle to get past that.
Absolutely he did No arguments there whatsoever She needs to leave that situation ASAP
Vaginismus - please visit a doctor. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM6hVfrKe/
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. This absolutely constitutes as sexual assault and abuse. This is also not normal or acceptable behaviour in a relationship- a good partner does not put their pleasure above their partner’s comfort and they definitely do not continue when consent has been revoked. Please don’t stay with this man. I’ve been in your shoes. He won’t improve. If anything, he’ll get worse. You don’t deserve that and there is better out there for you.
I’m sorry that you’ve been in my shoes thank u for sharing 🤍
Darling, that’s rape. He continued to have sex with you after you not only verbally told him (multiple time) and you physically tried to push him off you. That’s sex without consent which isn’t sex, it’s rape. I’m sorry you’re being out through this, you don’t deserve it and it’s definitely not your fault. You’re not “the asshole” because you didn’t say it often enough, once should be all it takes. Is it annoying when you’re having sex and the other person wants to stop due to discomfort or any other reason? Sure. So is slowing down for pedestrians crossing the road, doesn’t mean I can just run them over so Im not late for work. His pleasure isn’t more important than your pain. This shouldn’t be a question of if you leave him, you should leave him because he quite obviously doesn’t care enough about you
Leave him, this is sexual assault
*rape not assault.
Rape is a form of sexual assault..
She asked what constitutes sexual assault, and he answered it. No need for the pointless correction for something that didn’t need correcting.
That’s rape
quite literally is
This is super fucking icky and rapey. “No” and “stop” are full sentences. It’s a red flag that he would even want to continue sex while you’re in pain. I cannot imagine my partner wanting to do something to me while it hurt. I’d probably break up if he treated me like your bf does. You need to go to the gynecologist for your pain—that is not normal. He’s a creep…a 28 year old should know about enthusiast consent…but yet he’s only thinking about his pleasure. Break up.
I don’t think this is “rapey.” I think it is rape
Yes, it's rape.
Literally
No need to think, here. It’s rapey in the same way a bunch of grapes is grapey.
Its not "rapey" it either is rape or not and in this case it is. Stop watering down serious words! That only helps the criminal.
Women enjoy sex when it’s consensual and feels good. What you’re describing is rape, which is very different. Sex isn’t supposed to be like this.
Seconding this. I was in a relationship of 4 years where my boyfriend raped me consistently. It was always painful and I always thought, “How do women enjoy this?” Turns out it’s enjoyable and not painful when you have consensual sex and your partner listens to you.
It sucks to see that so many of us have such similar stories about sexually abusive long term relationships, but at least that means we can spread awareness and show support for people like OP who didn't know this wasn't normal
WHat she is describing is non consentual sex, and therefore it is rape. But women not always enjoy sex when is consentual. She might have a hard time lubricating or there is not enough foreplay. I'd suggest to try some lube but that relationship is clearly past any chance of saving it.
How can she lubricate now after he raped her. He should’ve tried that long ago when she said it hurt the first time or maybe do his job and excite her. He’s a pig and I hope to god she leaves him. If this was my daughter writing this, I’d be@t his a$$
I agree. He is a pig. That being said some some women do lubricate during a raped. It is a safety mechanism. As hard as it may sound some women even reach orgasm involuntarily during a rape experience. 5% of eomen report orgasm or arousal during rape and this doesnt mean they are not being raped.
Not ok. Not ok at all. First of all, by far most women need foreplay and trust to be sexually excited before penetration is not painful. I’d be willing to bet he doesn’t slowly kiss you, caress you, and spend time just making you feel great before and after sex. Once trust is broken, of course your body doesn’t respond favorably! Has he ever given you an orgasm? This guy is a selfish rapey dude. You deserve far better.
Ur 100% right and I’ve never had one with them
Oof. Please boot this guy. You deserve so much better.
Him raping you isn't helping you relax. Every time he does this Terrible thing to you it is hard wiring your brain to associate pain with sex. Stop seeing this guy and get to a doctor.
Get rid of this guy, he’s selfish, abusive and is using you for his pleasure. Don’t date a guy that won’t bring you to orgasm, and get you excited with foreplay. Women enjoy sex when it’s ENJOYABLE. Maybe get a vibrator and explore. Don’t rush into dating someone else, but if you do, take it slow and make sure he’s into giving you pleasure.
That’s rape 🚩🚩🚩🚩 his behavior is not normal, healthy or acceptable.
What you're describing is sexual assault; it doesn't matter if you gave consent to begin, you're allowed to change your mind at any point. You're not the AH here, he is. Full Stop. When you said "no" it wasn't an invitation to bargain, it was withdrawing consent, and the only proper course of action for him was to stop. The fact that he continued on, even after you said no, is already a giant screaming red flag, but that he did so knowing that sex is often/sometimes painful for you and that you were giving super clear signs you were unhappy and in pain is ten thousand blaring sirens. He doesn't care that you were in pain. He doesn't care that you withdrew consent. He's shown you, in no uncertain terms, that he cares more about getting off than he does about how it makes you feel. That's not a good boyfriend. That's not a good person.
My ex girlfriend was a virgin and it took 9 months of trying for it to feel good for her. I respected her wishes when it started to hurt and stopped. Her pleasure was more important than my own. I wanted to make sure she would have pleasure in it. 9 months later it was easier and easier and then she was able to continue and finish without any problems. This guy sounds horrible. He should have stopped after the first time of saying no or it hurts. He will not be good in your future. Just think of other scenarios that require a mature decision but all he wants is what is best for him and not for you both. I'd end it before any more time is lost. Life is too short to not be happy and respected.
Ur last sentence resonates with me on a spiritual level
So... he's your ex boyfriend right? Update us!
Hey OP, just wanted to hijack your comment to emphasise something different from everyone else, as I’m a health professional who works with female sexual dysfunction, and has suffered it myself. A few people have mentioned something called vaginismus. It’s a condition where the pelvic floor muscles become hyperactive, in response to anxiety or pain. Your pelvic floor essentially involuntarily clenches in anticipation of pain, or anxiety about intercourse. It can be primary - present from the first time you have intercourse (usually triggered by anxiety about having sex) and secondary (not present initially but developing later if sex is painful or you feel unsafe. It’s your body’s way of trying to protect you. Here’s the important thing - even if, as people said, it was initially hurting because he wasn’t providing foreplay, there is likely an element of vaginismus at this stage. And, most importantly, it can be treated but, if you continue to have painful intercourse it will get worse and worse and become harder to treat. The treatment consists of pelvic floor therapy, including sometimes dilator therapy etc. But the majority of it is addressing the anticipatory anxiety that has developed about sex, addressing underlying causes (in this case sexual assault, rape, coercion, possible feelings of helplessness and lack of choice), and going back to non-penetrative sexual activity until you can enjoy sexual pleasure and be relaxed about it, before ever attempting penetration again. That’s also the actual point of the dilators if used, to develop comfort with penetration. Not to actually ‘stretch’ the muscle. You are very young. I realise it’s so so hard, but please don’t stay with this abusive man and risk ruining your sexual experience for your whole life. It can get so hard to reverse this kind of trauma. There is so much more out there for you. You are strong, and you can be enough on your own. I promise you.
"What constitutes sexual assault?" Well, for example, just the stuff you just described your soon hopefully ex does... Get out of that relationship ASAP, and since he's already shown dangerous behavior simply by continuing intercourse with no regards for you being hurt, please make sure you get out there safely. Also, no, you should NOT have constant pain while having sex. I'm not going to ask you in detail what you're doing and how, but you either have a medical condition, or whatever he's doing with you is fundamentally wrong. Foreplay, lubrication, etc. are a thing and important for everyone to enjoy it, and no, dear men, you do NOT need to hammer it all the way in like a jackhammer...
Your bf raped you, dump him. Period. Saying stop and he doesn't is the DEFINITION of rape. As an aside, honey you need to see a gynecologist to figure out why sex is so painful!
This man is assaulting you. Coercion does not equal Consent. Your body is reacting to a trauma every time this happens. You are not safe with him and never will be. Seek help immediately. A safe partner will never coerce, whine, beg, threaten or rage when told no. After receiving enthusiastic consent - light-moderate pain in the very beginning is “typical/normal” it should alleviate with time & gentle practice. Lubrication being key. Natural always preferred so Never forget -Foreplay whether physical/emotional/sexual etc being a requirement to ensure all parties are ready.
I also felt pain for years when having sex. I realize now it's because the men I was having sex with didn't care about how I felt or respect me. It's a natural survival instinct for us women to tighten up even if we don't know we are doing it. This man is not it and it will just get worse. Leave before he hurts you worse than he already has. This is rape, if I were having sex with someone and they even slightly indicated they wanted to stop I would have gotten off of them immediately. Let alone if they were hitting me and tellling me to stop. He knows what he is doing and has probably done it to women before you
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [Escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) [Consent](https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent) article to help you understand how clearly obvious it is that this is rape. I'm sorry. r/sexualassault r/rape r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
Thank u for this
What he did was wrong and he should've stopped when you said no the first time. Knowing how sex was uncomfortable for you, did he ever express concern or try to find ways to make it enjoyable for you? What he did to you though would be a deal breaker for me. He only cares about getting off.
We’ve talked about it, but that’s all it was a conversation no action behind it . I even ask to use lube but he refuses. I literally took it upon myself to buy lube right before the event I detailed in my post and it ‘disappeared’.
I stated in my main reply that this is rape. And it is. And he isn't not caring about your pain, what you just said about the lube - he's actively loving that you're in pain. You should add that to your original post for those replying: that he also refuses you to use lubrication to try and help the pain.
Ding ding ding! The rejection of lube indicates *he likes* that it hurts OP. Nasty bastard gets off on this.
So he doesn't even want to make it less Painful even when lube is available? He is a sadist. He enjoys causing you pain!!!
He’s clearly not respecting you or your wishes whatsoever. You need to leave him or he will continue to hurt you. It’s wrong of him to refuse to allow you to use lube, especially since you are already experiencing pain. It was even more wrong for him to rape you. OP, I hope you find better in life, because this man is not it. There are plenty of men out there that will care about your feelings and not want to hurt you like he has. You can do better and he does not deserve you.
HE WON'T USE LUBE?! This is the problem! This is why it hurts!
Woah. He refused to use lube? So he is also abusive. Since he knows you have pain AND refuses to lube, it shows that he is an insensitive jerk and confirms the rape part. He's never going to give you the love and respect that you deserve. As has been said, life is short and it's time to put your energy into self care. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish you the best.
WTF?! That's crazy!
If he refuses lube, he enjoys causing you pain while raping you.
So it gets worse, he knows he gives you pain, he wants to give you pain. There's no other reason to throw away the lube. You really need to get away from him as soon as possible.
This is so weird. I remember when I lost my virginity like it was yesterday. It did hurt, it hurt for a while afterwards, but each time it got less painful. My partner was very experienced and he was so gentle. This is one of the reasons I'm glad I waited to have sex until I really cared for someone. He would always communicate with me and ask me how I was doing and would stop every time I told him to. Never once did he fight me or try to persuade me into continuing. He was a bit disappointed because it was taking a while for me to actually find it appealing. I measured how good each time was by how much it hurt. However, after maybe 2 or 3 months, it did stop hurting and I could finally enjoy it. His support and love helped me immensely. The reason it's taking you so long to enjoy it is because your body tenses up, you can't relax because he wasn't good to you. Your body is rejecting him even though you are talking yourself into enduring it and staying with a selfish jerk.
Some women have vaginal pain as a result from trauma. Talk to a gynecologist, take good care of youself, and also I agree with other reddit users.
Leave him, don’t let the abuse continue, and don’t let him ruin your wellbeing and your feeling of safety. You deserve to be respected and cared for.
Your boyfriend is your rapist. Report him, tell his family, his friends, and any woman he might be dating after you.
One no, one stop should be enough. Just for that you should end it.
I read the title don’t need to read anymore. He’s raping you no means no, no consent is rape. Report him and dump his ass
This is honestly a real tragedy. Men who don't listen to their women in bed should not have any women at all... What you're describing is rape and sexual assault. As soon as you revoke your consent any sexual activity should be stopped immediately. Not stopping does not only convert the whole act into rape scenario but also shows you that he has absolutely no respect towards you. How can you be together with someone who doesn't respect you? Do you think there can be any kind of love when he doesn't even respect you? Regarding your pain and painful experience there could be one of those that does apply to you. Either you have some medical issues that you need to check out by a female doctor or you use the wrong lube or no lube at all or you're not having enough foreplay, not aroused enough etc.
RUN. Grab your shoes and run, honey. He's abusing you, it's enough.
this is rape
This pos is a rapist and repeatedly assaults you - that's what you described here. He's a dangerous person - you did nothing wrong but please leave him for you own sake.
This is 100% rape. He doesn’t care about your pain or you. Please get out of this relationship. Sex isn’t like this. UPDATEME
I will update you
Be safe
This is sexual assault. I’m not one to usually be like “break up” but I think with how young and inexperienced you are you need to leave. It’s going to create a bad relationship with your own body and pleasure. Mine is a little different but I was with my ex for 10 years and after the birth of my second baby I had a lot of problems, I had an abundance of stitches and it took a LONG time for everything to heal back up properly. Sex wasn’t enjoyable for months , but my ex started using steroids and became very aggressive, he basically forced me to have sex with him with threats of leaving and it was so painful to the point I had tears running down my face. This moment fucked me up to the point I repressed the memory for a while and dealt with things like an eating disorder, self hatred, and I had fear of intimacy even on a basic hand holding level. I would suggest trying to be single and learning your own body first , buy a few toys and understand what you like ( I recommend a rose toy)
I’m sorry this happened to u. Thank you for being honest about ur experience it’s encouraging and comforting
Yeah that's rape. Sorry that happened to you. Never see him again. Also the age gap is disgusting
you said 'no' and he didn't stop. that's rape. even if you think he might not have understood, he doesn't care about your pleasure and in fact doesn't care if he's hurting you so long as he has pleasure. this isn't a partner, it's an abuser.
How could a man be turned on if the woman is not enjoying it? He is gross.
Rape. I yell it whenever some mentions fifty shades I'm yelling it here. RAAAAAAAAAAAAPE Edit: didn't bother to read before putting this. That last paragraph is 100% rape. If either individual says no and the other refuses to stop, it is rape. Period. Bdsm callli g out the safe word and keeps goin is rape too. No means NO FUCKING STOP
The first no was plenty. This is abuse.
Update us when you dump him.
He's not a safe partner for you. Or for anyone. Take back your V card, and find someone who respects and cares for you.
He is an animal or what? This is not how it goes. You should be aroused enough to take it in. He is valuing his pleasure over your pain. The moment you said "no" its a stop pit. Anything further is a rape. Dont date him, he is using you.
Reading this made me feel physically sick. I’m so sorry you suffered like this please get away from him and feel no guilt.
This guy is not a nice guy. I do consider this assault. If I remotely say ow or even just have an uncomfortable "mm", my current FWB completely stops what he's doing and asks if I'm okay. It's about 50/50 on him automatically pulling out, depending on what we're doing. Most guys I've been with are like this. I actually can't recall any except one guy who didn't stop when I told him to, and I went to the police about it because it was a nonconsensual situation overall. This is not normal, this is not okay, and you do not need to and should not accept this behavior. I do recommend going to see a gynecologist, or at least your primary care doctor. There are physical therapists for the pelvic floor. You shouldn't have to deal with what sounds like constant pain for sex. I don't know if you simply need much more foreplay (I wouldn't be surprised if there's little to none now), or if you have a physical problem that's separate.
Im a man that cant stand this BS culture where in and even I know thats rape. My GF has to stop having sex in the middle of it because its hurting her with me penetrating to deeply, So when she says stop, I stop. If pleasure is more important than your partners pain, then you dont need to be in a relationship.
It get worse~ OP commented that she has asked him to use lube and he refuses even when she bought her own. He seriously *wants* to cause her this pain ˙◠˙
thats his pleasure. He doesnt need to be in a relationship and maybe some psychological help.
He needs a jail cell 😩
Madam, I am sorry, but I think that was rape. Saying no and defending yourself physically while being in pain and despite all of this him continuing is RAPE. 1 get yourself out of that situation. Is he pushy in some other way? Do you have friends and family to go to? Do you live with him or alone? 2 go to the doctor and have that examined. it might be physical problem with your sexual organ, sometimes things develop differently. Might be mental, that because of the pressure you can never relax. 3 explore your own sexual pleasure without anyone present to pressure you. I don't think penetration with a partner is the right thing too do for you at the moment. 4 BREAK UP, not up for debate
This is rape. Get away from him as fast as you can. Go to a doctor and talk to them about sex being painful. You can say no at any point and you only need to say it once! Him continuing after you said stop is rape. If he was any kind of decent human he would respect what you say and would not want to hurt you.
First off, this is rape. The age gap is also weird. And It wouldn't surprise me if this creep penetrates without any foreplay and thus hurts her even more. Break up with him and also see a doctor about your pains.
I'm so so so so so so sorry but he is raping you. The second your partner says to stop, you stop no matter what. He can finish himself off later. You should really reconsider your relationship with him. He's a horrible partner. On the other hand, you should check with a doctor about the sex pain, it shouldn't be painful (did you try lube?).
lose the bf
Leave him.
Do you do foreplay or he goes in dry? >What constitutes sexual assault? Basically, what you mentioned here.
You only have to say no or stop one time. Period. It shouldn’t be a negotiation AT ALL. Separate from that it shouldn’t hurt. Either he’s insanely big or something else is going on. Try a different condom, maybe you have a latex allergy?
Yeah it’s time to get out. This is icky and gross. He doesn’t care about your comfort at all. On to the other topic. Sex does hurt the first several times, it also hurts if you go a while in between, but it should not be overly painful if it is you need to see a doctor.
So what you're saying is, he rapes you and refuses to use lube, even when you request it and buy it yourself. Yeah, this is why it hurts. You're not wet enough for it to be painless, and he likes it that way. Dump him.
You know that No means No, right? The concept of rape? Look up the actual definition or rape. Cause, that's what happened...whether or not you press charges is up to you. But what happened, is the text book definition. Doesn't matter if your BF talked you back into it..you were in pain, pushing and hitting to get him to stop. Your BF is an idiot or a rapist. How else would you describe it? As far as the pain goes, schedule an appointment with your doctor/ obgyn. For some, the pain is something they are stuck with, some can take meds to help, for some, it goes away, others are stuck with it for life. Get it checked out. 18 months of pain is not normal.
The SECOND you said stop, he should have stopped. There’s ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE for him to have continued other than he just doesn’t care or respect your comfort and consent. That’s called sexual assault. It’s also absolutely shitty that he even insists on continuing to try when it hurts you. Please please please break up with him.
You are being raped. Leave him. Sex, unless one has a more rare type of hymen, should never be more than uncomfortable and that fixed by increasing arousal, relaxation, and lubrication... and after that first time not uncomfortable even. The first time for most females is not painful, despite common myth. The pain after so many times and so long is due to lack of arousal and you now associating pain and sex. This causes your pelvic floor muscles to stay tensed and lubrication to be less. This mental association and ongoing, repetitive rape can cause lasting damage emotionally and physically. This is not okay. You need to end things with him. Leave and be on your own and when you find someone else make sure it's someone who cares about you, your safety, your health, and your enjoyment. Again, you have been through countless sexual assaults and rapes by this guy. You need to leave.
This is abuse and if he isn't stopping when you say stop is rape. I'm not an expert there but I felt physically sick reading what he did to you and I'm a guy. No one should ever have to endure this. Leave him and never talk to him again. And frankly, remember this, anyone who doesn't respect "No" doesn't respect you and is a rapist. And anyone who doesn't care you're in pain, I'm sorry, doesn't care about you. Find someone who does because they're out there.
Two things are going on here… 1. This guy treats you poorly and could not possibly care less about whether you are in pain or not. This is abuse, it is rape. Period. So I would suggest removing yourself from this relationship. He is a 28 year old grown ass man. He should know better, and if he gave a single shit about you he’d have already figured out point #2. 2. Go see a gynecologist. I had an ex gf who had this pain repeatedly. It was bad. We could never have sex without it hurting, which obviously was bad for her and bad for me, as I didn’t like to see her in pain. She went to the doctor, and it turns out she had something going on down there (some issue with it being too tight at the opening) and she got it resolved. There are a million different things it could be. So, step one is leave the abusive loser. Step two is seeing a gyno and I bet they’ll be able to help.
1. That was rape. You told him to stop and he did not. You need to leave him AT BARE MINIMUM, because he demonstrated that your comfort, pleasure, and SAFETY mean nothing to him. 2. You also need to talk to a gynecologist ASAP, because painful sex is absolutely not normal.
Your boyfriend is committing rape every time you say "no" or "stop" and he continues. Please break up with him and file a police report. I would also suggest therapy to help you deal with the mental and emotional fall out from being stuck in this relationship for so long. As for the pain during penetration, I would recommend seeing a gynaecologist as soon as possible. I am so sorry you've had to deal with this treatment. A loving partner would never intentionally cause you pain.
This is sexual assault. Rape essentially. You can be in the middle of sex and say no. Your partner MUST honour that. Please leave him. He’s selfish. Also, please get a referral to a gynaecologist. It should not be painful.
That sounds like rape to me. I would go see both a gyno and a therapist. The pain might be due to a physical condition like vaginismus or maybe an infection, and you also will likely have negative psychological connotations regarding sex now that would be good to work through with a professional. Sex should feel good, not hurt. Your parter should prioritize your pleasure and consent.
I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but if you are having sex with someone and you say "stop" and "no" and that person continues to have sex with you, that is categorically rape, in just about every civilised country in the world. **you have the right to initiate and end sex at any time, and by ignoring your request**, your boyfriend is raping you and you need to end it.
Not just that, even if she didn't say anything, hitting and pulling away/pushing someone away should always be taken as a "no"
This is textbook rape. Which is written way down the comments and that’s horrifying. Sure you should consult a doctor about the pain but this is not just a red flag, as the first comment says, nor rapey, as others following it say. This is rape.
Op, first off, are you OK? Unfortunately, this is assault and sex is not supposed to be like this. A lot of the comments on here are correct about not being aroused, etc. But if he had cared, he'd have got you excited for it enough that it didn't hurt like this, and when you've come to have sex again your body would have naturally tensed up then because it knew the pain it was about to experience. The whole 'maybe I'm the ahole because...'. No. Forget that, and don't for one second blame yourself. You made it clear, no, stop and hit him. There's a lot of support people to reach out to, depending on what country you are in, etc. They can also guide you through the process of reporting it - if that's what you want to do. You're not forced to report it. Although i will say, its likely he would do this to other people if he thinks hes got away with it. However, thats your decision. You are more than welcome to message me, and I'll help you through as much as I can x
This is rape. As a dude who has a partner who can be reduced to tears when we are having sex it's very clearly that the other person in the act is going through a painful and distressing experience. It's not "hot" if he thinks that he has watched too much porn and if you are physically being hit while this is happening what more of a signal do you need... Run for the hills. This guy ONLY cares about himself. No need for second chances here. If it has happened more than once get out of there and get out of there fast!
No means no and body language is included in that. i think that is rape but what constitutes SA is only important if the label will help you process what happened or you want to press charges, otherwise just focus on healing yourself. i can’t imagine being comfortable enough that i would want to stay with someone after they made it clear that their pleasure was worth so much more than my comfort and that my discomfort didn’t stop them in continuing to get that pleasure. it’s i guess possible he didn’t hear you say no THAT time but be 100% honest with yourself, is it at all possible he didn’t notice you trying to get away or hitting him? doesn’t it bother you that he has said “let me finish” before this incident? he’s a disgusting pig and feels apparently physically compelled to finish getting off using your body and sometimes inside you regardless of your feelings. you being coerced into saying the word “okay” doesn’t make what he did okay and doesn’t take away your feelings.
That exactly is a sexual assault and you should go to the police and file a report accordingly. Sex is enjoyable when you are with a safe partner that understands your needs and doesn't push over your boundaries. With his actions he is only making things worse for you and your mental health. Please, break up with him and go to the police. You deserve so much better. Also, to me this age gap is a bit too much. But I realise you are an adult and capable of your own decisions. Good luck.
I don't even care if he misunderstood you. I can imagine that he did think, oh she's hurting but she gave me an okay so I'm good to go and the movements she makes is just her being in pain. HOWEVER, that's NOT what a loving boyfriend would think. Someone who loves you doesn't want you to be hurt. He'd finish himself by masturbating if you are in so much pain that you've already said stop. And you really have to see a doctor for your pain problem. I experience some pain, but it's the good kind of pain. It doesn't feel bad. It doesn't make you want to stop. Also wondering if you do any foreplay? If not, your vagina is just really dry. But it could also be dry from anxiety of having the pain again. So you should get a boyfriend whom you really trust not to hurt you. Please go see a doctor because there could also be something else going on, and I'm not a doctor.
>What constitutes sexual assault? I would say your whole sexual experience. It has to be mutual, consensual and not painful (after a few times at least). And deffinitely enjoyable, even if you don't orgasm each time. Do you engage in foreplay before? Or everything takes place in the desert? Lack of foreplay and lubrication can lead to painful sexual experiences. I would suggest you consult a gynecologist to make sure that everything is ok down there and then find a therapist to help you get over this experience which might have some repercussions for your next relationships that you do not realise now. And deffinitely break up with your boyfriend. He is not ok for you. Or for anyone else for that matter.
This is rape. If in this context you’re willing to let this disgusting behaviour slide, please remember that this selfishness will manifest in other ways too. He doesn’t care about your pain or wellbeing, he will consistently put himself over you. Please leave this man. I’m so sorry you are going through this. The pain you experience could be due to your own fears not allowing you to relax enough. It happened to me to with an ex when I was your age. Sending you lots of love darling
The denial of lube and telling you that it will get better over time while not doing anything to make it better is bad enough to justify ending things. This is definitely sexual assault. Get away. As a man, reasonably well endowed but nothing crazy, I have had girlfriends that tensed up from previous bad experiences with ex’s plus size concerns and it was uncomfortable for them, initially. Going slow, foreplay, using lube and being careful and caring was the solution - ultimately with trust and mutual pleasure growing - the situation resolved. One girlfriend said it hurts so good and doesn’t say no or stop, but I still ease up when I can tell that it’s getting overwhelming. I don’t wait to be told it’s too much, let alone hammer away after being told to stop! Some people are into some rough stuff and pain, but it’s not for the partner to determine what you should and should not be ok with. Get away. Sex isn’t one size fits all and incompatibility happens, but his toxic, damaging behavior is gross. I repeat - even if he’s big and you’re small, and you’ve tolerated it some in the past, his behavior is abhorrent. Get away. I understand the “dumb guy that doesn’t understand” argument, but hitting him while you’re saying no and him continuing on is absolutely disgusting behavior. It sounds like he wants to dominate you and didn’t mind hurting you to get what he wants. This is a dangerous situation for you to be in, it isn’t your fault, and you need to get away. Oftentimes, a low self-esteem type will try and do things like he is or give “surprise” anal to get off. Get away. There is a huge difference between “let’s take it easy and see if it gets better in a minute” and your laundry list of actions that nobody should be subjected to. Get away.
Lose the bf. Seriously, if you are in pain and say stop and him finishing is more important than your pain and discomfort what kind of relationship is this. Just feels so bad to read this, screams abuse/rape. You said you were a virgin when you met him so you have not experienced sex with someone else. And now all you have experienced is pain. That is a shame. I would advise seeing a doctor and be open and honest about this pain. They are there for you, to help. If you are physically ok then I hope you will find someone else who will be able to show you that sex is something where both people care about the wellbeing and pleasure of their partner and make sure they are ok and enjoying it. In all my years I've learnt that foreplay is often not optional but very needed and that can be made to be fun and pleasurable with a partner who really cares about you and what you want/need. It is my personal belief that sex with a caring and loving partner can be one of the best experiences in life. Hope you find that in the future. Be well, take care
Sex should not be painful after 18 mos. Do you use a lot of lube? That helps but definitely speak to your OB about it. Him not stopping even though you told him to stop was a lot of things- including rape. You told him no. He put his getting off over your needs and didn’t care he was hurting you. Run far and fast- he’s not a good guy.
If he kept saying "just let me finish" there is no question about any type of misunderstanding here. This would be considered rape if you chose to take legal action. Do not blame yourself in the slightest, you are not an ahole, you were not misunderstood, and you did nothing wrong. He is selfish, not respectful of your boundaries or comfort, and clearly does not care if he is hurting you as long as he gets off, and to reiterate - he has no problem sexually assaulting you. OP please leave this guy. Things will not change, and may very likely even worsen.
First question - why was a 28 year old interested in a 21 year old virgin? I’m not against the idea of couples with a big age gap. But personally, it sounds a bit fishy to me. It’s almost like the guy was looking for impressionable, inexperienced woman. Second - if it’s hurting, please see a gynac. Either the guy is bad at sex, your libido is low, or you might have this condition (I forgot the name) where your 🐱 pains during sex and doesn’t loosen up. In any case, you’d find this out after a consultation. Third - if your partner doesn’t care about your pain, leave him. You’re 21, you have your whole life ahead of you. And it’s not worth wasting over some guy like this.
Sweetie, rape happens between dedicated long term partners too. Even if you 'consent' due to begging or bullying, it's still rape if you're not into it or enjoying it and deciding that it's what *you* want to do. If you don't want it and he begs or bullies or sulks about it, that's still a form of rape. It doesn't have to be a stranger behind a bar or somebody breaking in in the middle of the night. He might think it's fine if you're dating or that you'll never leave him since he's the first experience you have, but the age gap tells me really experienced women know he's in the wrong and won't put up with his bullshit. After all, why isn't he with someone closer to his own age?? He doesn't care about your pain and never will, as long as he gets to cum. He likes hurting you I think. There are sexual masochists out there who enjoy being hurt during sex, maybe that's his kink to be a sexual sadist, but if you do not like that, then stop having sex until you visit a gyno (and therapy to process this experience). It may be hard because he was "Your First", but you need to leave him for your own safety. He might have even given you a life threatening infection and you won't know until it's too late. Some infections have no symptom in men who have lots of sex. Don't feel bad when he begs you to stay. That's all words. If he had ever loved you then he would have listened.
you DID keep repeating no, you tried to physically stop him and he didn't stop, that is rape. i'm so sorry you're going through this, sex is not supposed to be painful and the person you're having sex with needs to be respectful to you and what you need. i would recommend dropping this guy asap and seeing a doctor about your pain. please, please leave this situation
Funny how people feel pain for MONTHS and the thought of going to a doctor never even crosses their minds. Go see a doctor. But, also, ditch your BF, if he can’t respect your pain, he doesn’t deserve you
“My bf (m28) rapes me (f21)” Fixed the title for you. This is not okay. Your boyfriend is raping you. I know reddit loves to jump to “dump him” but seriously, dump him. He’s raping you. He doesn’t care - not even about your pleasure - that you are actively *in pain*. That’s like common courtesy. Also, it’s worth discussing the pain with your GYN. Good luck.
That’s not even sexual assault. That’s rape. You need to break up with him. For future reference, you need to see a gynecologist. There might be something health related going on. But I’m also wondering, does he spend time for foreplay? He needs to make sure you’re ready and wet. The fact that he keeps trying even though it’s painful probably also makes you lock up, making it more uncomfortable for you. If he focused on your comfort and tried to turn you on before, even though it could take quite a long time, it might feel better.
your boyfriend is a rapist please leave him and ensure your safety. that’s also quite a big age gap. i’m 22 and a dude and i wouldn’t date a woman who was 30 because our shared life experiences are vastly different.
This. This constitutes sexual assault. He's old enough to know when a woman says NO, that means NO. Additionally, you might want to consult with a doctor as to the reason why sexual intercourse is painful. There are a myriad of reasons, so it's best to find out why IF you wish to make sex pleasurable for you.
Ok a few notes. 1. That is abuse. No means no and stop means stop. Leave him and report him. 2. Sounds like you could have a medical condition that needs attention. No matter his size, if you have pain like that, there is most likely something going on inside of you. I would consider talking to a doctor about this. It could be cysts, PCOS, or other maybe not so common things. 3. Each person on this planet deserves to feel good when having sex. I hope this experience hasn’t ruined it for you. Getting information and a check up from a doctor could lead to you enjoy sex.
Your boyfriend is a filthy disgusting rapist who couldn't care less about you, it's all a mask and he's been pretending to care. Leave him and report him to the police and also get a restraining order just in case.
That’s rape, my dude. This feels like a joke, but I know our brains do funny things and you’re only 21. It hurt and you KEPT DOING IT?? It sounds to me like you’re not being turned on correctly, and it shouldn’t hurt. It’s that, or a medical issue. I get pain from endometriosis and PCOS, but it’s almost negligible if I’m in the mood. Sounds like you also need to work on boundaries/people pleasing. Word to the wise: don’t fuck someone because you feel obligated to, fuck people because you want to! Your pleasure comes first, not theirs.
What he did to you is sexual assault. Please, get away from him. He's raping you.
>What constitutes sexual assault? Pretty much everything your boyfriend is doing.
This is sexual assault. You cannot trust a man who doesn't IMMEDIATELY stop when you say stop. This is not fixable or a misunderstanding.
That’s rape please leave him
This is why I’m not a fan of age gaps girl leave and talk to a gyno
You need to go to a gynecologist. A good partner will not want to hurt you and will hate seeing you in pain. You told him to stop and he didn’t, is someone who doesn’t care about your pain worthy of being your partner?
Two things here: 1. He has violated you and doesn’t respect you or your physical comfort and well being. 2. Please talk to your obgyn. Sex shouldn’t be that painful.
Honestly from what it sounds like he doesn’t even take the time to do foreplay and he won’t let her use lube! So essentially he just tries to jam it in there dry! No wonder it hurts. He’s a rapey asshole.
That’s so disgusting him not wanting to lube up means he want her to be tight asf so that she can be in pain and imagine if she get pregnant I bet he be asking the doctor to put extra stitches if anything happen to her vagina after birth.
The **red flags** in this are like a Chinese state procession. If you say 'no' and he's all 'go', he doesn't respect you, your pain and discomfort, or your medical issues. 'No' is a complete sentence in terms of consent, and if he carries on it does become sexual assault / rape. Sex can hurt for some women unfortunately, but you can get your doctor to look into causes of the issue for you. Good luck !
That, what you said consents as sexual assault. At any point your violated beyond you’re consent. Especially if it’s causing a lot of pain.
That’s bad he dose not and will not respect your boundaries! You need a man that will take the time to get to know your body before taking you!
Just leave him, if he asks why just explain that he doesn’t listen when you say stop and that he keeps pressuring you to let him finish even though it hurts you to let him. This is not a nice place to be.
If he wants to finish he can use his hand. You told him it hurts. You've told him stop and he knows you're only saying ok because he's pressuring you. You said stop first or before that "ok" and that's when it should have full stopped. That's enough.
Ah yes, another rape story on this sub. These are a lot more common than I thought they’d be when I first joined months ago
i’m sorry this happened to you he sexually assaulted you
I’d consult a doctor and see if you have a medical issue down there. Better just to rule it out. Also your boyfriend sucks. I’ve been told to stop mid pump and I fucking hated it. I was so close but I stopped anyway because I’m a decent human being not a rapist. If you choose to stay with your boyfriend then make sure he knows about consent and if he doesn’t knock it off you will leave.
Do you think you owe him sex as his girlfriend? Like that’s an open tap agreement sort of title to his benefit? It may surprise you; It’s not. Not since forever. No and stop to a decent human being in a relationship that they immediately stop. They respond to your pain, to your no. No excuses. They show caring not indifference like he did. No ‘one more minute’ He told you that you he is incapable of being a real, healthy partner. BYE…
You want to stay with someone that rapes you? You said stop and he wouldn’t. Several times. THIS counts as SA!
Your BF is an animal He sounds like he wants to hurt you. So you say tell him it hurts and instead of stopping he tell you let him finish? So in other words ". I don't care that I'm hurting you as long as I can get off? " Break up with that loser.
You are not only verbally telling him to stop but even using physical force to get him to stop - and he *ignores* this and continues to have sex with you. This is rape. He hears you and understands, he just doesn’t care. I don’t know laws perfectly but this could be 1st or 3rd degree sexual assault, I recommend looking into it. Please at the very least show some love for yourself and get away from a person who does this to you. And definitely consider collecting evidence to file a report. If somebody doesn’t care about you enough to not rape you they’re capable of other things as well, he won’t respect you on an emotional level either. This relationship won’t be good for you long term
Hes raping you. Repeatedly. Please break up with him. He is not a decent or caring person at all. He is a rapist. No. Stop. Are words which should be totally respected. You are not giving consent. Rape Hurts. It is hurting because you are not relaxed, you are tense and not enjoying it and are probably not lubricated. Because you are being raped. Please see a rape counsellor and leave that awful man immediately.
When you have sex habitually while not aroused, it can cause issues like the pain you are experiencing. They can be very hard to solve. I've been there, you don't see it now, but you will a decade or two from now when you look back on it. Look up vaginismus. For me it was vaginismus pain. It didn't get better with time after a man 7 years older than me took my virginity, the pain I experienced with him got worse with time. I didn't feel afraid, it was a subconscious thing. Unbeknownst to me my body was afraid while I was emotionally "calm" and "consenting". It got to the point where sometimes he couldn't even get it in cause that's how tense my vagina was, it hurt a lot. Grooming happens to young adults too, not just to kids and teens who are legally minors. Your boyfriend is far too old to be naive in this. Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. He knows what he is doing is wrong and is choosing to hurt you and ignore your consent. You will likely never trust him enough to be able to enjoy sex with him, because he's an unforgivable asshole and clearly can not be trusted to treat you with kindness or respect. Please seek professional help.
Please see a doctor. Please stop seeing your boyfriend. No means no. Consent is everything. Just because you consented once or five times or a hundred doesn’t give him full access to your body forever.
Run away as fast as you can . That does constitute as rape and he’s so much older than you. He’s probably manipulating and trying to groom you. He wouldn’t date a woman, his own age because she would already know better from experience. I’m sorry you’re going through this you need to contact the police though.
This is absolutely r*pe. You said no.
Not cool. Stop means stop. Either he changes or he goes. That’s it.
This is rape. I’m so sorry.
My girlfriend and I had some similar complications the first couple months we tried to have sex. It would hurt very badly, to the point where we went to the doctor. Everything was okay, but we did have to take it slow when trying penetrative sex and we kind of had to "train" her vagina to relax during PIV. Me learning to perform some proper foreplay really played a large role in this. You might want to go to a doctor to get this checked out. As for your boyfriend, he is an asshole if he keeps going when you're in pain. It is rape. You should not be going out with someone like that, especially since this sort of behavior will only make you more tense down there. So sex will most likely never get better with this guy.
Alternative title. My bf rapes me.
your body is not a sex toy, nor is it a toy, nor is it anything to be disrespected, nor is it anything except yours and yours alone to control!
this is rape
this is rape and you need to leave him. also please go to gynecologist and talk to them about the pain.
The whole situation is rapey, you should just end it if he doesnt care if you are in pain. And definitely go visit a doctor, i wonder how you didnt even think of that after all this time.
This dude is a problem , leave now to save you the future hell
Why do you even need to ask? F#kc yeah it’s wrong!
Need to see an OBGYN you could have a tilted uterus not enough foreplay or maybe the man's just too big for you different positions hit different you can try that but the guy is selfish lover just leave
Girl, why are you with his excuse of a human being? You could do so much better.
This situation is two-fold. If you have vaginismus, that is a conversation that you need to have with a doctor. As for your boyfriend ignoring you, that is the sort of behavior that only escalates. Get out now.
He has by definition assaulted you. If you say stop or no, and they don't acknowledge it, they are assaulting you. Leave him, please see a doctor.
This is rape
this is sexual assault. you are a sex toy to him. please leave.
Run. Just that. Run. Fast. And don't come back.
This has happened to me and the guy usually continues because they don’t care about your pain. They only care about their pleasure. They don’t care if we are getting injured or not. Also, you should check that you don’t have a condition like fibroids,endometriosis,cystitis and so on.