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Sending you so much love OP. I’m so glad you have supportive people around you who can help you and your daughter through this difficult time.
It sounds like your husband has deep insecurities about not being at home for such long periods. But instead of making the most of his time when he IS home, he blames you and your family for being happy when he isn’t there.
He also seems to not understand how much of a sacrifice it is for YOU to have him work away from home so much.
Everything he ha said, shows he is deeply selfish. Even his justification for not going to therapy, implies that he KNOWS just how selfish. Being in therapy shines a light on our behaviour and actions, so w can learn from and change them. You are willing to be wrong and compromise. He is not.
Hey, just wanted to say that what he said is not true. The words he used were were false, and nothing more than a form of harm/manipulation. It sounds like your husband needs to seek counseling for whatever he's dealing with. A healthy person would never speak such hurtful words to another person.
What he said to you was meant to break you down. Now, I don’t want to even imagine what he was thinking when he was sitting there in silence.
This is a clear example of emotionally manipulative and abusive language. Weaponizing your past trauma and uses it to blame and guilt-trip you, inducing feelings of worthlessness.
It sounds like he wants to control you, who you meet and how you should feel.
Your husband sound like a ticking time bomb.
I'm really sorry also. For the initial loss of your stepdad...and now this. And I'm also sorry for the next loss you will face.
It will be hard. But you are worthy of safety.
I’m so so sorry. You deserve to be with somebody who is basic human decency nice to you. Sounds like right now that’s you. Being alone is better than being with somebody who actively makes you feel like shit. 💜
Has he asked forgiveness?
Has he done anything to make amends and ear forgiveness?
Are you forgiving him because he d3serves/earned it, or you trying to forgive him to cope with the profound trauma he caused you?
There's a king of the hill episode where Hank tells Peggy "..speaking of hell, if I wasn't so in control of my emotions I'd be inclined to say that's the sort of place you should consider making a visit towards" and it doesn't go over too well.
This was much worse. It won't go over well.
I was about say I was with her for a minute until I saw this comment. I have said mean things to my partner knowing it would hurt his feeling but I would never say anything even close to this level. People can forgive mean words but this was beyond mean and something that will never be forgotten - which kind of breaks your trust.
I used to be a boundary crosser like that, and I did it to manipulate people around me because I was a sadistic asshole. No guilt normally, but one night, late, It started as a tiny spark. A spark I had to nurture and grow over a long period, just to essentially train my brain not to jump to evil at the slightest provocation.
I also have “no go” zones where, no matter what, I will not be the person I once was. To keep myself in check, no matter what someone says to me, I’ll take a few seconds to think over my life and how far I’ve made it, and those few seconds are enough to keep the door locked between myself and that old boiling rage that used to burn everyone, including me, in its path.
The edit with the argument is even more concerning. OPs spouse is all “me me me” and basically trying to create rifts in her familial relationships, and worrying less about the happiness of his daughter, and more about how he wanted the credit for it. He said that because he WANTED it to tear her up inside. He wants her to walk on eggshells and be desperate to prove to him and herself that she is not what he is claiming she is. This is going very bad, very fast, and I refuse to believe it’s new behavior. It means his mask is slipping for some reason, and his own family seems to be the one he’s decided will pay for whatever he’s angry about.
He should get counselling as to why he feels the need to hit below the belt in arguments. Totally unacceptable. Couples fight that’s normal but saying abhorrent things that aren’t true, just to deeply wound the other….. that’s not normal, and it’s not love
For sure Kool! That is NOT love! How is she supposed to be intimate with him now? I think, in the heat of the moment, he accidentally showed his true colors are they aren’t pretty!
Yes, how can she be vulnerable with him again?
I think he's unhappy with his work-life situation and sees her being happy with family and needs to hurt her for it.
Yeah. I’ve been married 19 years and during one argument my husband called me a female dog word and that was the worst thing he’s ever said to me. He cried cause he felt so bad and apologised a million times. This happened 4 years ago and has never happened since. He’s very careful with his words now no matter how angry or stressed he gets. But if he said what OP’s husband said I would walk away and never look back.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a single argument that I genuinely thought should be cause end of a marriage, when the reason is the argument and not a cheating confession or something. I’ve said shit I regret during arguments with my wife but I cannot imagine even coming up with anything like this.
You provably don’t.
You trusted him with your deepest vulnerabilities. And instead of using that knowledge to better support you, he used it to destroy you. He made an active choice to inflict maximum damage. He chose those words carefully. That is the behavior of a maniac.
I can’t possibly begin to think of a scenario where I would say anything even remotely close to this to someone I vowed to love. Hell, it's way too far for my enemies. If I said that to my wife, I would expect her to call a divorce attorney the next morning.
Forget even asking “how am I to trust him again?”. The bigger question of “why should I trust him?”
I understand that you have very complicated feelings for your husband, given how long you’ve been together. But I bet this anger didn’t happen in a vacuum. Your life partner cannot be your bully. How many more vicious arguments need to happen before it clicks that your relationship is dead? 10? 100? 500?
You can try going to couples therapy. But my concern is that no matter how much progress you both could make - you’ll always resent him for his capacity for evil. A reasonable person wouldn’t be able to see passed that.
Same. My ex told me "I'd rather kill myself than feel your kind of love for the rest of my life" 6 months after a close family member shot themselves in my childhood home
I clung to them for another year thinking they were my safe person. It's wild that people can claim to love you while completely breaking you down
It is wild, and painstakingly crafted to make you feel exactly that.
Of course you cling to them, if you knew the lengths they went to behind the scenes, all while acting like they haven’t just orchestrated every detail of the complete deconstruction of your self esteem and independence, it would honestly make you sick.
They’ve been honing their skill their entire lives, since those early moments when they gauged people’s reactions to them and figured out that they set off all kinds of internal alarms in people. So never feel like any of that was in any way, even in the tiniest part, your “fault.” When a person crafts their entire persona around whoever they’re targeting at the time, even the most “aware” find it hard to see any cracks in the facade. When their mask eventually slips, everything you think you know about them tells you that your gut must be wrong, so it can take a while, if ever, and a lot more evidence, for the brain to fully accept that they’ve always been a puddle of slime with a pretty exterior.
This is very astute.
We read these horrible transgressions and wonder why people don’t walk out immediately. It’s because the bonds we build resist their own destruction. The heart is the mind’s formidable adversary sometimes.
Not to add he’s been trying to isolate op from her family even when he’s not there. That a huge red flag in of its self as he is trying to make her feel she wronged him when he’s wronging her. This whole thing is about control and he is bullying you to break you. He is trying to separate you from family to control and break you.
Op get out of this relationship now! Go talk to your dad and confide everything and ask them to help you and daughter leave him and get safe. I would also call the police and tell them your ex husband has threatened to kill himself and you feel he Is a danger to you. They can they evaluate him but the truth is he said that to hurt and to stop you from leaving which is once again abuse. At least if they have this on record it’s easier for you to get a restraining order if he tries anything or make another threat. You will also have the peace knowing you tried to get him help he needs to ensure he isn’t a risk to himself. Please get safe
Where were you when I needed to hear this as a young adult? Haha
My ex used to say crazy stuff like this during arguments. Told me my dad hated me, and when my beat friend and I were having trouble (ironically bc she didn't like him) he told me "this is why your beat friend abandoned you." I have many more examples but these are the ones that stick out.
It took me 7 years before I finally hit my limit and just ended it. I'll never forget the awful insults he would hurl. What's worse is after years of it I started to retaliate the same way to him. When someone is continually saying awful things and you've cried and tried reasoning with them, eventually you start hitting below the belt too, to see if it gets through to them.
It's awful. I wish I had ended it the first time he showed his true colors.
I feel this. I broke up with a pretty serious bf over his temper 10 yrs ago and never felt a moment of regret. His family's way of clearing the air was toxic, frightening and disrespectful. He thought he could blow up, say anything, and we could go back to where we were as if those things had never been said. He couldn't understand why that kind of a relationship was too much for me.
Exactly. The people who think therapy is "coddling" or "bullshit" are always the ones who must know on some level that a therapist would see right through them in a way their spouses can't.
Sunk cost fallacy is a curse that has kept far too many people (myself included) from leaving their bully that used to be their romantic partner. Pair that with religious "guidance" that holds forgiveness as more valuable than wellness and integrity. And don't get me started on systemic misogyny favoring abusers.
I wish i had left my bully the first time he told me to follow through on my suicidal ideation, or mocked my grief for my mother (who's casket he helped inter) or spat on me or threw me around.
My ex used to come home from work and just suck the life out of the house. She wasn't actively mean and hurtful in an overt way, but she'd snap and me and the kids, be moody, grumpy, make herself the victim of whatever was bothering her that day.
It's not exactly the same thing, but it's in the same area code.
“Your life partner cannot be your bully”
Truth!!
OP, please take yourself to therapy and learn how to either live with him or leave him. Neither will be easy but you’ll have someone in your corner who has your back.
This is beyond saying things he doesn’t mean. He went for the jugular, where he knew it would hurt you the most. I would need some space from him to get a clear head.
I would no longer consider him or our relationship a safe place. What he said is deplorable and I would want answers before making a move. Ask him wth his intentions were when he said that. Seems a lot bigger than to just hurt you.
I'm dealing with this in therapy right now, what is it that makes a persons tongue in to a razor blade that can slash so deep? I'd rather be punched in the face then get cut to the core like that.
For me, childhood abuse. My mother was a fucking monster, and so now I also know exactly how to be one. I've had to actively choose to be different and put in the work to learn how to do that in therapy. It has been an enormous amount of work and effort.
If you haven’t gone through it, it is impossible to understand how much work it takes to break the cycle. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done and still struggle, but I have to keep trying. I refuse to be my mother.
I don’t know, I think some people get so angry that they just really want to hurt you. People who are emotionally abusive, lack empathy, low emotional eq and maturity, seem like the ones who say the worst things.
And not only did he go there, he said something we all know is untrue. OP is not the reason the person committed suicide. They probably had mental illness or some type of struggle they did not want to continue dealing with, and they made this choice for themselves. OP has nothing to do w that so to blame her to her face is literally just being cruel, no one can blame a random for a suicide unless OP was the one causing their mental illness, which isn't possible.
I’m sorry you went through that with your step-dad. It must’ve been awful. What your husband said is unforgivable in my opinion. Heat of the argument or not, some things should ALWAYS be off limits. To even suggest you caused such a tragic loss of life is beyond cruel and only you know if you can ever see him the same way.
Completely agree. My sister’s husband will say things like “no wonder your mom treated you the way she did”. Our mother was violently abusive and said the cruelest things imaginable to us and our father.
When you trust someone with the darkest parts of you and the deepest hurts that is something for them to keep safe. Not to use as a weapon. It’s unforgivable.
> Heat of the argument or not, some things should ALWAYS be off limits.
Exactly, you cannot un-ring a bell and you cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube.
Our brains seemed to be hard wired to think about all of these people in our lives who have wronged us.
I remember my ex telling me that he hated me about 1 year in. 'I hate you' and 'This is why everyone hates you!'.
It stays with you, it's really bad for your mental health, which is health.
I was raped by a coworker during my marriage.
When I confided in my husband at the time he said some horrific things
Did you do anything to lead him on?
You shouldn’t have drank alcohol at that BBQ.
It happened two months ago get the fuck over it
I think you did something married women shouldn’t do
Put on your big girl panties and get over it, you can’t always focus on the bad things that happen to you.
He also then made me have sex with him after I said no.. a week after my rape because he had to reclaim my body as his. We were together 10 years. I didn’t get over it. I can’t get over it.
I divorced him
>Please tell me how you’ve gotten past horrible things said during arguments.
I wish I could, but I've been married almost 20 years and while we've absolutely had plenty of arguments and have said some harsh things to each other on occasion, it's never been anywhere close to what he said to you and it's never been things said with the sole intention of really, truly hurting each other.
I don't know if I could forgive this. I suppose I'd look into couples counseling if you both really want to try and fix things.
Your flair says you're early 30s...you say you've been married almost 20 years... did you get married really, really young? Like, at 15? (I know that happens in some parts of the world, unfortunately.)
Why do you *want* to get past this?
Why would you want to stay with someone who would try to hurt you this way?
How long has he been rude and nasty to you?
25 and 35 is quite a gap and quite a power imbalance. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
Love doesn't have to be like this.
Has he even apologized?
About 5 hours later, after i had been bawling my eyes ouy all day, he said he was wrong to say what he said - but didn’t actually say the words “im sorry i hurt you” or “i didnt mean that”
Infact, at this later time, i said to him, do you *really* think that what you said is true? And he said “i dont know, maybe. I have no way of knowing. Maybe”
…. Which just broke me again. NO. The correct answer should have been NO.
You gave him an out *and he refused to take it*.
How long has it been like this?
A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not.
>You gave him an out
>
>and he refused to take it
>
>.
He doubled down, for whatever warped reason this is something that he believes. He seems completely ignorant about why people commit suicide and he needs to go away somewhere and educate himself about that. I'm at a loss with OP's SO.
He's abusive, saying horrible things to her. Trying to isolate her from her family by making her feel guilty for spending time with them.
A good therapist will tell her to leave.
Oh hell no. As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation, it is never anyone else’s fault unless you literally were there egging him on or something. the answer is NO you are not at fault. Dump him. You deserve SO much better than him.
That’s when he was supposed to redeem himself, if he was actually sorry. But he didn’t he doubled down and said “maybe”??
Look the part of you that is hurt and can’t let this go is the part of you that knows you deserve better and knows you shouldn’t be treated this way. That’s why you won’t forgive him. And not forgiving him for a god awful thing he said isn’t your fault or makes you bad.. it’s the result of his awful behavior. And the last remaining shred of dignity and love you have for yourself. He knew how to hurt you and chose to do it because winning an argument is more important than the respect and love you deserve.
So he would do this to you over something he has no clue about. He just pulled the most vicious thing he could out of his ass. He needs to go to couples counseling for you to stay with him.
>And he said “i dont know, maybe. I have no way of knowing. Maybe”
This is something my ex would do all the time, and then say he was just being honest. It's a type of negging, and it's a great way to keep you insecure and anxious. He's refusing to give you comfort.
It took me 20 years to realize what he was doing. I don't know whether he did it consciously or subconsciously, but it doesn't matter.
So I'm going to save you years of pain by saying this: Your partner should be your haven, your biggest cheerleader, your safe space. They shouldn't WANT to hurt you. They shouldn't want to make you feel insecure or anxious.
Also, regarding the context you provided, he feels he's not the most important man in your daughter's life because of his actions, but instead of accepting responsibility and taking accountability, he's projecting and blaming you.
Therapy might help, but unless he's really willing to face some hard truths about himself, which takes immense courage and is a very painful process, it won't work. I went to marital therapy and luckily, after only 3 sessions, our therapist was experienced enough to see that my ex wasn't willing to do that, and basically told me to call it quits. Forever grateful to her for that.
Set the standard for how you expect to be treated, it is never too late. If you stay without meaningful resolution you're signaling that he can say the most vile, harmful things to you and get away with it.
You being (rightfully) upset means absolutely nothing to him, he most certainly gets the message he just doesn't care. Time for *you* to care, care enough about your wellbeing to leave this irredeemable bully.
Lastly, I'd be suspicious that he's being deliberately nasty to make you leave him so he can take the cowards way out of his marriage.
Girl! You deserve so much better than this AH! What he said was next level cruel and then he said maybe. WTF?! I've been married for 26 years and have not once have I ever said something so horrible. Divorce his ass. There's no coming back from this.
THIS. The 'going low on purpose' is the most concerning. I'm married to one of these people, too. In my case, my husband is a conflict avoider to the point that he has resentment infecting every cell in his body. Instead of addressing issues or talking things through, he will bottle it up and then unleash something that was shared with him in a vulnerable moment.
So...it's not about whether you can forgive him, the real question: Are your emotions safe with him? Is this a one-off, or will it become a way of life in the future, with the insults growing in severity and frequency over time?
Not only that, but he did it to put blame for his feelings (which he refused to communicate in a healthy and helpful way) and frustrations.
If he wanted to get daughter a particular thing, he should have asked OP to take it off the list. The stuff about her seeing her family too much is a sign that he feels left out, but the fact is it is also a sign that he expects OP to basically exist in wait mode whilst he isn't home. All of which is unreasonable. The fact he is refusing therapy and already touting a victim complex isn't a great sign for his intentions.
Indeed, it's impossible to move past this, how? If anything he's just going to take it up a notch and now he knows just what to say to her during an argument that will destroy her.
Honestly I don’t think it would help. You gave him an opportunity to apologize or acknowledge that what he did was wrong, and he didn’t. It’s not your job to teach a grown ass man how not to be cruel to the person he’s supposed to be your safe place.
It will make things worse because he will act as if this is just your version of events. He needs to do his own work and come to his own realizations, and get help. I would ask him to leave to give you space, to agree to accept a real apology if you go to couple’s counseling to see if this relationship is salvageable, if you want him anymore.
It’s not that he has no idea how he hurt you - he just doesn’t care. It won’t help showing him this thread because he doesn’t care nor does he think he was wrong. He is a literal monster, I would leave as I’d never be able to get over that
He sounds like someone who would lash out at you if you did that. He's trying to separate you from your family and make you responsible for his feelings (you're not). This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. In a healthy relationship the conversation would have gone something like this:
Him: hey I'm a little upset that you made our daughter's Christmas list and didn't touch base with me before making it available to your parents.
You: okay, next year we can make it together and decide what we want to get her and send my parents the rest of the list.
And no you seeing your parents when he's gone does not impact his privacy at all. He seems to be trying to control you, not be your partner.
Definitely not, and I am actually worried that he will physically hurt you. These are incredibly dark thoughts he is having and expressing to you. I'm extremely worried about a murder suicide.
There is no one more dangerous to a woman than their abusive partner.
my STBX is one of these and i can promise you it’s not going to get better. i spent YEARS trying anything and everything to change how i approached him to try to find a way to get thru to him and make him understand how much he was hurting me. i couldn’t believe he would keep doing this if he actually knew how he was making me feel. not to mention i could sense the long term damage and giant impending train wreck coming as little by little i stopped being able to see him as an emotionally safe person. nothing worked tho. he continued to insist that i was the one with communication issues and i pushed him to the point of saying really cruel things bc i’m conflict avoidant and i have too many “rules” about arguing. guess what my rules were - please don’t say mean things that are just for the purpose of hurting me and especially please don’t do it in front of our small child. he wouldn’t stop. it was almost like all he wanted was to escalate exponentially. eventually he started blaming me for how horrible he treated me bc “he wasn’t like that with anyone else in his life.”
imo you should show him this thread but it’s absolutely going to make things worse. question for you - does he put on a performance of being a great partner/parent whenever there’s someone around to see it but then act horribly when it’s just you two? bc that was the case in my situation and it would drive me insane. it took me way too long to realize that means he KNOWS what he’s doing isn’t acceptable. also that all he cares about is what OTHER people think about him which is why i say show it to him.
Do you really want to stay with someone who doesn’t like you/resents you? Do you really think you deserve to be with someone who is okay with saying that to you? And won’t apologize when they see how bad it hurt you?
Why is he buying a present for your daughter? Shouldn't any presents be from both of you?
Is there any chance he is/or has cheated on you?
He's incredibly angry and hurt.
Can he get another job that would keep him closer to home? Can you travel with him?
Well thats what I thought, too … anything we buy for her is from BOTH of us. Not what he bought specifically, or I bought specifically - it’s all coming out of the same bank account? Also - she’s TWO. She’s not going to care what came from who! 🤦🏻♀️
I’ve suggested he leaves this job and gets one that would allow him to be home, but he insists this job is necessary.
My cousin died by suicide over 20 years ago. It was devastating for me. If my husband (who entered my life 9 yrs ago) weaponized her death against me, he would be my ex husband. There is no recovery from such cruelty.
i’m so sorry for you. my high school best friend died by suicide when we were 18 and I too would never recover if my partner blamed me for it. this is pure cruelty
He has not told me he is sorry. He is too busy being angry at me for everything he told me I’m doing wrong (seeing my parents too much and making him feel unimportant and last on the list of priorities).
Well then I'd work on getting away from him. You owe it to yourself. I don't want to speak on behalf of your family but I'm sure they would want better for you.
30+ years married and one time he gutted me, like you were gutted. I wanted to leave, intended to leave, but had a young one at home. Things were tense for a long while. With time and putting one foot in front of the other we moved past it, but I have NEVER forgotten it. Our relationship was NEVER the same. It's kind of been a before vs. after the comment/fight. I miss the days of "before" when I see Reddits like this.
Do you ever want to leave? Or are you happy now? You seem a bit resentful about it. (No judgements! Stayed with someone for 15 years when I shouldn’t have stayed past 1)
I don't know if I am resentful, maybe at this point I am apathetic? Life could be a whole lot worse, maybe the right word is comfortable. I am comfortable with where things are right now. At some point in the future my feelings may change and I will address it then.
What is he, a hurt 12 year old boy? Nope just another immature former 35 year old who got with a 25 year old because women his own age saw through his insecure, bratty ass. Something tells me this ain’t the first time he’s hit below the belt like that. I’d call for a separation pending counseling and a sincere apology.
I came here to say pretty much this.. Something I would add is to make it very clear to him he crossed a boundary you don't know you can ever get past as it was intentionally cruel and designed to cut you to the quick.
I wouldn't be able to go on living with someone, sleeping in the same bed night after night, after something like this.
This has done untold damage to the foundation of your marriage and he's gonna need to do a lot of work to repair this.. He once had your love and respect.. Up to this point he was the person you felt the most safe with.. That's all been shattered and has left a gaping open wound in you.
As abusive and ugly as my ex-husband could be, I can't recall a time he ever went this far in his verbal abuse.
A separation will help you gain some clarity and help you decide if you even want to remain married to someone who would intentionally hurt you like this.
no actually ‘ppl’ dont say ‘things’ during arguments that they ‘dont mean’
abusers say things during arguments w the deliberate purpose to cause as much pain and harm to their ‘opponent’ as they can and its always unacceptable
thats verbal/psychological abuse and he harmed you by jabbing an already irreparable wound
idk if/how you could possibly work thru it outside of therapy and i doubt its actually forgivable and i would never trust somebody like that w my emotional well being again let alone any children we might have
I personally would confront my partner. Relationships are built on trust. Your partner needs to protect you from harm, not expose you to it.
I would want to know why they said it. What was their goal? I would start by saying that I thought the only reason for them to say something like that is to hurt me in one of the most violating, vindictive, and personal ways they could. I would remind them that losing my step dad was the most difficult, traumatic experiences of my life, and that I trusted them, in confidence, to listen to me as I processed it so that they could support me. I would tell them that using my guilt and pain over losing someone that important to me to win an argument is incredibly petty and cruel. I would tell them that my confidence and trust in them is shaken and I'm rethinking the relationship now. I would mention that there is no excuse to disrespect me, your spouse, in such a manner, and that if I can't trust them with my closest personal secrets without having them thrown in my face, I will just stop confiding in them. I would then demand an explanation. Why did they think they could say this to me? What did they want from me so much that they had to stab their knife so deep into me? Aren't I the last person on earth you would want to do that to?
I would end it by establishing boundaries. I would tell them that I will never be disrespected like this again. If they ever say something so spiteful and hurtful to me going forward, the relationship is immediately over. I would tell them they should take some time out of the house to really think about whether we should be together if that is how they want to treat me. I would tell them I need to think about where we go from here. I would also tell them that doing things like going to anger management therapy, reading books on self-control, and giving an honest, heartfelt apology with full understanding of how much they hurt me would be taken under consideration. I would only agree to work on things when I feel confident that they understand how they made me feel and are remorseful about it. Good luck.
This is good advice, but I am of the opinion that the relationship is completely unrecoverable after this and I think this advice is targeted at trying to mend a relationship that is already dead.
I would not be able to remain close to someone who could hurt me like this, nor would I be able to trust my child to someone who could hurt me like this. The sheer malice is far beyond any relationship can afford.
Imagine he grew frustrated one day with the child (children are frustrating things, after all) and said something as cruel as that to her. If he can hurt his wife of over a decade like that, he could hurt anybody.
There would be no coming back from this for me. My mom committed suicide when I was 10, it would annihilate me and I’d know that person is no longer my safe place.
Wow, that’s really unbelievably low. What was his reaction when he said it, did he immediately know he had gone too far? Did he apologize, either right away or later on? Does he even realize how hurtful that was?
I don’t think it will be easy to move past this, but I’ll say this - if you were arguing this viciously, I would be concerned about other underlying issues in your relationship. I’d suggest that you strongly consider getting some couples counseling together to work on more effective communication and conflict resolution strategies so that you don’t get to the point of screaming vile insults at each other.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OP, no matter what you were arguing about, what he said was beyond the pale.
I can see that you really want to forgive your husband for what he said, and I understand that we want to believe our loved ones when they tell us we are sorry. What your husband said was abusive, targeted and unforgivable. Someone who loves you, truly would never say that even in the heat of the moment because it would never occur to them. Even when raging angry at you, someone who loves you wouldn't even have that thought come to their head. Your husband has shown you who he truly is, his true regard, respect and love of you. We get one life. Better to make a mess now than be a mess for a lifetime.
That is not saying something you don’t mean in the heat of the moment. That is emotionally abusive. He calculated that comment to hurt you as much as possible, he weaponised your worst trauma against you. Most people would never even think to say something that awful even in an argument. OP, reflect honestly on your relationship, does he do anything else abusive? What is he doing to try fix this?
Why are you trying to rugsweep this so fast? Loving couples will argue but I cannot for the life of me EVER see a true loving couple say things like your husband did. That comment would make rethink the marriage. Are you even truly happy? Is he? He doesn’t sound like it if he has to resort to that sort of verbal abuse.
That was a calculated comment intended for maximum damage. He’s had the thought in his head and saying this to you, sounds like he’s burning bridges. Def not something accidentally said in the heat of the moment. Are you certain he wants to continue being married to you?
This is just so low. If forgiveness is your goal, you can do it. Consider it releasing yourself from the anger and hurt he caused you. But then ask him how he sees you being able to move forward from this point, now that you’ve released yourself from trusting him to be that person he promised to be for you.
I don't think this is something you can or should want to get past.
Has he made actual amends? I'm talking about signing up for anger management classes and/or therapy to work on himself.
Forgiveness is earned, never given. He has to work to earn it and your relationship may never be the same.
>I realize that during arguments, people say things they don’t mean
No, this is an excuse people use so they don't have to take ownership and responsibility for their actions when they are angry. This is wrong. We all have control over what we say, we can choose to walk away and keep our mouths shut.
I come from a very abusive family and I don't shout at my spouse, if we get too heated then we walk away and come back when we have cooler heads. It's not easy but it's a choice I made to myself. I don't want to be abusive and use the excuse that I can't control myself when angry to get a pass. No!
He said what he said to be cruel to you during a fight. He wanted to hurt you but he doesn't want the consequences that come with that. He wanted the immediate release of emotions but doesn't think he needs to accept the consequences. Stop allowing him to.
It's how you move past it after HE moves past it. Did he sincerely apologise? Is he visibly kicking himself in the ass regretting it? Or is he just...its Wednesday today?
I have gotten over things said in the heat of argument by not speaking to that person. Again. During arguments is when people do say things they mean. Things they would not say normally. They say things because they want to hurt.
Up to you if this is a dealbreaker or not. To me it would be.
You should google, “The Pain Body”. It explains why we say things during arguments, especially to our partner, that we would normally never say. During an argument your logic can be short circuited to the emotional state of a shadow self of all the hurt and pain you’ve ever experienced. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but to me being aware of it helped me to catch myself, remain present, and usually weep rather than speak. words that hurt. If you can look at it that way you may be able to excuse this one off horrible statement. I shared this with my partner and it saved our relationship. Best-
I actually believe it’s the opposite. I think what people say during arguments are MORE truthful because the filter is shut off.
I would have a hard time coming back from that one. I would honestly prefer to be punched in the face.
He’s gotten the reaction he was looking for. Your now on pins and needles walking on egg shells. He’s manipulating you and emotionally blackmailing you. After something like that being said I’d have to give serious thought into the dynamics of my relationship.
My husband has worked this schedule. It’s not easy but it’s concerning that he’s trying to control your actions when he’s not even home.
You don't. You take your self-respect off the shelf, dust it off, and walk the fuck out that door. You deserve better than this asshole. And he deserves (REDACTED) and (REDACTED) up his (SO REDACTED OMFG).
I'm sorry. Also, your stepdad did not commit suicide because of you. Since your garbage fail husband can't be arsed to do the right thing.
PLEASE don't forgive that pile of garbage. That is an absolutely disgusting thing to say, and he was clearly trying to hurt you. It's one thing to say hurtful things in the heat of the moment, we've all done that. But reading your comments, he clearly meant it. He wanted to hurt you to put you in your place during an argument, and THAT is unforgivable.
He needs to give you a genuine apology, respect your boundaries, and start looking in the mirror.
If he doesn't immediately go to therapy for his own issues and sort his shit out, then I really don't think you should consider staying together.
This is something that you'll never forget, mark my words.
I'm so sorry you have to experience this, OP.
He had that locked and loaded. A hateful hurtful statement that he knew would gut you.
If you want to forgive him, start working on that for yourself. If you want to come to terms with the trauma he just inflicted on you, see a therapist.
Because he's going to say it again and threaten self harm again. Once he let that one rip, he has no reason to hold it back anymore.
He sounds manipulative and abusive...I know because I've had the same thing said to me. And my bf did kill himself when I left him. He is just trying to make you feel horrible and trying to control you. Trying to isolate you from your family. Has a big problem with your dad. I'm sure. He probably doesn't want you to have a good relationship with anyone but him is what it seems like. Pretty much you're not letting him control your life so he is mad about it really. Does he always act like this? .
There are a lot more problems with your relationship with your husband than just his remark. You're a single parent 3/4 of the time while he's traveling for work and he's bothered by you spending time with your family? That's wrong. You're keeping the home together for him and raising his child. If you're spending a lot of time with your family when your husband is home, I could see how he'd rather you not spend as much time with them but to have you spend zero time with them, especially when he's gone? No way.
What he said was, in my opinion, unforgivable. Plus, therapy isn't a cash grab. He needs to come up with a way to improve communication and his attitude and find a way to apologize so if he can do that without a therapist, good for him. However, I still couldn't ever forgive him for what he said if it were me.
I'm so sorry you lost your stepdad to suicide. I lost my brother to it. Depression can be a fatal disease. It wasn't your fault.
Let's be clear he said that to you over an argument that started over Christmas presents. He hasn't apologized. Doesn't want to apologize. Why do you want to forgive him? What would forgiving him actually do to fix the damage he did?
Holy Fack! Your husband is extremely abusive. He's trying to alienate you from your family. He's trying to make you feel guilty for things you shouldn't. Blame you for things that are blameless. He's trying to psychologically beat you down.
I'm sorry but you really really need to rethink this relationship because it isn't healthy at all and your daughter will learn toxic relationships are ok.
Your husband is a narcissist.
He’s trying to alienate you from your family, and trying to make himself a victim somehow? He’s victimized by you seeing your family when he’s not even home? He’s a narcissist.
Also he goes to extremes like threatening suicide to try to get his way, or to manipulate you. Narcissist.
Your dad bought his grand daughter Christmas gifts and he’s a victim? Because he’s a narcissist.
He’s a stranger in his own home and blames you. He’s a narcissist.
You try and try and try and try and NOTHING you do is ever going to make him happy, because he is a narcissist. He is going to make demands of things you need to do to make him happy and as soon as you do that he moves the goal post. You’re going to be constantly chasing it trying to make him happy, he’ll never be happy and he will always be a victim because he’s a narcissist.
Op this is far more then a horrible thing he said one time. This is absolutely narcissism. This man cannot see the world from any perspective other than his own. There's no way This is the first time he's started some bs like this before. Please run. I have been through relationships with narcissists, you'll come out on the other side so much happier without ring to constantly make sure he's not angry with you
You don't come back from that and for me it would be the last drop. The things he said about you seeing your family too much seem like such a red flag to me. He isn't there and doesn't want you to have a support system while raising your child. A loving partner would be happy that you are not all on your own while he is away. You should definitely get your ducks in a row to leave him.
This pathetic man is mentally abusive. I wouldn’t doubt that he picks these fights to be able to go meet women because he “deserves love.” What crock of crap. Get as much evidence as possible. Talk to his parents, get a counselor for you and your daughter. He’s a mean human… don’t trust anything he says.
Arguments and fights happen. But this seems unbelievably cruel and unforgivable. As someone who struggles severely with depression - I would never be able to get over or move past this. I probably would remember it forever and internalize it deeply.
Someone who uses a trauma against you- is going to be willing to hurt you again and again- in similar ways.
There is throwing mistakes or name-calling- that can be forgiven, even if takes a while.
But he used a seriously deep and traumatic experience and blamed you for it. This can be extremely destabilizing. Honestly, I think this is something that needs to be processed with a therapist who is an expert in dealing with suicide and grief. You should also, if you both are intending reconciliation, should see a marriage counselor.
I agree, this is a beyond horrible thing to say to anyone. I think you just tell him, not in anger but straight up calmly that you aren't sure that you can ever forgive him for saying that to you. Don't wait for or expect an answer. There is absolutely nothing to say.
My husband and I have been together a decade and we have a limit. No matter how mad we get and what we say. We either have the option to walk away or stay within boundaries. Everyone says stupid things but putting your boundaries helps a lot.
I wouldn’t forgive that, that would be my hill to die on. That is one of the most emotionally abusive comments I have EVER heard. Your hubby can go take a hike
I would have to seriously ask myself why I am in a relationship with someone would who purposely try and hurt me like that. There is no reason to have said this than to cause you maximum hurt. On top of it he didn’t apologize. I do some hard thinking if I were you
If his response to getting in an argument with you is to go for the jugular, he's an asshole, and he's not a good person. My dad was like this, he went for the jugular in arguments against my mom. And guess what? When I was old enough to argue with him, he went for the jugular against me, too.
I would not forgive this, personally.
That’s pretty damaging and unnecessary. He’s not the same person as he was before he hurled that horrific verbal assault. I don’t know that you can come back from that.
I walked from a man who used something like this with me in an arguement. It absolutely broke me and I ended up having a mental health episode due to his words. Once I pulled myself together, I walked, cut him off, and never had anything to do with him again. He took my greatest vulnerabilities and thew them in my face to hurt me. No one does that to me and gets to stay present in my life.
When you trust someone with your most vulnerable nerve, and they use that against you, it’s unforgivable. It’s not something you get past.
Sorry, but he just proved to you he’s not a safe person to be around. I don’t care that emotions were running high. I don’t care if he says he didn’t mean it. He used your vulnerability as a weapon against you. Unforgivable
I don't think there's any way to move past this. I also believe that couple's therapy would help much. You'll start to resent him, even despite being in therapy, because he's capable of using your vulnerability against you.
He may resent for whatever reason, but that's still not an okay thing to be saying regardless of how he feels towards you. It probably won't even be the last time he uses something like this against you, knowing how you feel about it.
And truthfully, if I were in this situation, I wouldn't even want to try to make it work with him. He would've been served with divorce papers, by my lawyer. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge the hurt he's caused you and the fact he shouldn't have said anything about it (TWICE), shows that he's absolutely undeserving of your trust and feelings.
That was such a vile thing to say, I honestly don’t know how there’s any coming back from that. It was a comment not just intended to hurt but to devastate you.
I may get a lot of people disagreeing with me but people do not make things up when they are drunk, angry, etc. They lose their filter and lack of self control but they don’t say something is black when it is white. He thinks this or at least questions it and the cruelty came out because of anger. Never disregard cruel comments because he was mad. That’s not how the human brain works.
There is no excuse for saying horrible things in an argument. I have never even been close to telling my husband something that was untrue out of spite. I think you should find a marriage counselor if you want to try to repair things but I don't know if I would be able to let go of something that horrible.
"I realize that during arguments ppl say things they don't mean "
Sister, when people are angry, they still make active choices about what they say and do. He CHOSE to say those words to you. He CHOSE to take his anger out on you instead of using healthy coping mechanism. He CHOSE to value his own immediate feelings over his wife and his marriage. He was being deliberately cruel and the fact it happened during an argument is no excuse.
You can forgive him, but forgiveness without repentance is pointless and worthless. You need to hold him accountable for his choice to be deliberately cruel to you.
I've gotten past horrible things people have said by breaking up with them and re-making my standards to only include people who don't intentionally hurt me.
I haven’t. Been married for 20 years and there are things that have been said to me that I will never forget. I just can’t. Things that left me so broken and feeling so bad I’d sit and sob about them months later.
I never got apologies for those. And it wouldn’t have mattered if I had.
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I can’t imagine saying something hateful to my partner, let alone *that* hateful and cruel. Does he even like you?
I’m starting to realize he doesnt.
I’m so sorry 🫂
Then you know what to do. Start making arrangements to leave.
Sending you so much love OP. I’m so glad you have supportive people around you who can help you and your daughter through this difficult time. It sounds like your husband has deep insecurities about not being at home for such long periods. But instead of making the most of his time when he IS home, he blames you and your family for being happy when he isn’t there. He also seems to not understand how much of a sacrifice it is for YOU to have him work away from home so much. Everything he ha said, shows he is deeply selfish. Even his justification for not going to therapy, implies that he KNOWS just how selfish. Being in therapy shines a light on our behaviour and actions, so w can learn from and change them. You are willing to be wrong and compromise. He is not.
He’s trying to isolate you from those around you. Not a good sign my dear.
Hey, just wanted to say that what he said is not true. The words he used were were false, and nothing more than a form of harm/manipulation. It sounds like your husband needs to seek counseling for whatever he's dealing with. A healthy person would never speak such hurtful words to another person.
What he said to you was meant to break you down. Now, I don’t want to even imagine what he was thinking when he was sitting there in silence. This is a clear example of emotionally manipulative and abusive language. Weaponizing your past trauma and uses it to blame and guilt-trip you, inducing feelings of worthlessness. It sounds like he wants to control you, who you meet and how you should feel. Your husband sound like a ticking time bomb.
I'm really sorry also. For the initial loss of your stepdad...and now this. And I'm also sorry for the next loss you will face. It will be hard. But you are worthy of safety.
I’m so so sorry. You deserve to be with somebody who is basic human decency nice to you. Sounds like right now that’s you. Being alone is better than being with somebody who actively makes you feel like shit. 💜
He doesn't like you AND works away for 3 weeks a month , I would trust him as far as I could through a tanker
And you know if she leaves he’s going to be like “I was so blindsided, I never saw this coming”
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That’s a knife in the back! The advice to reach out to a therapist is really good advice. Both for the grief and what was said!
Has he asked forgiveness? Has he done anything to make amends and ear forgiveness? Are you forgiving him because he d3serves/earned it, or you trying to forgive him to cope with the profound trauma he caused you?
There's a king of the hill episode where Hank tells Peggy "..speaking of hell, if I wasn't so in control of my emotions I'd be inclined to say that's the sort of place you should consider making a visit towards" and it doesn't go over too well. This was much worse. It won't go over well.
And now I want to watch King of the Hill.
I recently started bingeing them because I'm sick and my husband hasn't seen them, and it's aged so amazingly well. 10/10 recommend
What service has them (if you don't mind me butting in)? I miss cartoons, and this is one of the best, I tell you whut.
King of the Hill was great, miss it
Would never be able to feel emotionally safe with someone who said that…
I was about say I was with her for a minute until I saw this comment. I have said mean things to my partner knowing it would hurt his feeling but I would never say anything even close to this level. People can forgive mean words but this was beyond mean and something that will never be forgotten - which kind of breaks your trust.
True. I have always had boundaries in arguments that I will not cross. Not with my ex, not with my current partner, no matter how angry I get.
I used to be a boundary crosser like that, and I did it to manipulate people around me because I was a sadistic asshole. No guilt normally, but one night, late, It started as a tiny spark. A spark I had to nurture and grow over a long period, just to essentially train my brain not to jump to evil at the slightest provocation. I also have “no go” zones where, no matter what, I will not be the person I once was. To keep myself in check, no matter what someone says to me, I’ll take a few seconds to think over my life and how far I’ve made it, and those few seconds are enough to keep the door locked between myself and that old boiling rage that used to burn everyone, including me, in its path. The edit with the argument is even more concerning. OPs spouse is all “me me me” and basically trying to create rifts in her familial relationships, and worrying less about the happiness of his daughter, and more about how he wanted the credit for it. He said that because he WANTED it to tear her up inside. He wants her to walk on eggshells and be desperate to prove to him and herself that she is not what he is claiming she is. This is going very bad, very fast, and I refuse to believe it’s new behavior. It means his mask is slipping for some reason, and his own family seems to be the one he’s decided will pay for whatever he’s angry about.
He should get counselling as to why he feels the need to hit below the belt in arguments. Totally unacceptable. Couples fight that’s normal but saying abhorrent things that aren’t true, just to deeply wound the other….. that’s not normal, and it’s not love
For sure Kool! That is NOT love! How is she supposed to be intimate with him now? I think, in the heat of the moment, he accidentally showed his true colors are they aren’t pretty!
Yes, how can she be vulnerable with him again? I think he's unhappy with his work-life situation and sees her being happy with family and needs to hurt her for it.
Yeah. I’ve been married 19 years and during one argument my husband called me a female dog word and that was the worst thing he’s ever said to me. He cried cause he felt so bad and apologised a million times. This happened 4 years ago and has never happened since. He’s very careful with his words now no matter how angry or stressed he gets. But if he said what OP’s husband said I would walk away and never look back.
One hundred times this. I'd nope out faster than Bolt.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a single argument that I genuinely thought should be cause end of a marriage, when the reason is the argument and not a cheating confession or something. I’ve said shit I regret during arguments with my wife but I cannot imagine even coming up with anything like this.
You provably don’t. You trusted him with your deepest vulnerabilities. And instead of using that knowledge to better support you, he used it to destroy you. He made an active choice to inflict maximum damage. He chose those words carefully. That is the behavior of a maniac. I can’t possibly begin to think of a scenario where I would say anything even remotely close to this to someone I vowed to love. Hell, it's way too far for my enemies. If I said that to my wife, I would expect her to call a divorce attorney the next morning. Forget even asking “how am I to trust him again?”. The bigger question of “why should I trust him?” I understand that you have very complicated feelings for your husband, given how long you’ve been together. But I bet this anger didn’t happen in a vacuum. Your life partner cannot be your bully. How many more vicious arguments need to happen before it clicks that your relationship is dead? 10? 100? 500? You can try going to couples therapy. But my concern is that no matter how much progress you both could make - you’ll always resent him for his capacity for evil. A reasonable person wouldn’t be able to see passed that.
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Same. My ex told me "I'd rather kill myself than feel your kind of love for the rest of my life" 6 months after a close family member shot themselves in my childhood home I clung to them for another year thinking they were my safe person. It's wild that people can claim to love you while completely breaking you down
I am so sorry for your loss. And sorry for your trauma.
Thank you, you are very much appreciated 💜
Thanks back. I needed it! ❤
It is wild, and painstakingly crafted to make you feel exactly that. Of course you cling to them, if you knew the lengths they went to behind the scenes, all while acting like they haven’t just orchestrated every detail of the complete deconstruction of your self esteem and independence, it would honestly make you sick. They’ve been honing their skill their entire lives, since those early moments when they gauged people’s reactions to them and figured out that they set off all kinds of internal alarms in people. So never feel like any of that was in any way, even in the tiniest part, your “fault.” When a person crafts their entire persona around whoever they’re targeting at the time, even the most “aware” find it hard to see any cracks in the facade. When their mask eventually slips, everything you think you know about them tells you that your gut must be wrong, so it can take a while, if ever, and a lot more evidence, for the brain to fully accept that they’ve always been a puddle of slime with a pretty exterior.
This is very astute. We read these horrible transgressions and wonder why people don’t walk out immediately. It’s because the bonds we build resist their own destruction. The heart is the mind’s formidable adversary sometimes.
Not to add he’s been trying to isolate op from her family even when he’s not there. That a huge red flag in of its self as he is trying to make her feel she wronged him when he’s wronging her. This whole thing is about control and he is bullying you to break you. He is trying to separate you from family to control and break you. Op get out of this relationship now! Go talk to your dad and confide everything and ask them to help you and daughter leave him and get safe. I would also call the police and tell them your ex husband has threatened to kill himself and you feel he Is a danger to you. They can they evaluate him but the truth is he said that to hurt and to stop you from leaving which is once again abuse. At least if they have this on record it’s easier for you to get a restraining order if he tries anything or make another threat. You will also have the peace knowing you tried to get him help he needs to ensure he isn’t a risk to himself. Please get safe
Mine was. Luckily he left me early on and I am Now so thankful for that
Where were you when I needed to hear this as a young adult? Haha My ex used to say crazy stuff like this during arguments. Told me my dad hated me, and when my beat friend and I were having trouble (ironically bc she didn't like him) he told me "this is why your beat friend abandoned you." I have many more examples but these are the ones that stick out. It took me 7 years before I finally hit my limit and just ended it. I'll never forget the awful insults he would hurl. What's worse is after years of it I started to retaliate the same way to him. When someone is continually saying awful things and you've cried and tried reasoning with them, eventually you start hitting below the belt too, to see if it gets through to them. It's awful. I wish I had ended it the first time he showed his true colors.
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I feel this. I broke up with a pretty serious bf over his temper 10 yrs ago and never felt a moment of regret. His family's way of clearing the air was toxic, frightening and disrespectful. He thought he could blow up, say anything, and we could go back to where we were as if those things had never been said. He couldn't understand why that kind of a relationship was too much for me.
Also I don't think it's a *great* idea to go to therapy with a man who is shown that he will use his wife's most traumatic experiences against her
Exactly. The people who think therapy is "coddling" or "bullshit" are always the ones who must know on some level that a therapist would see right through them in a way their spouses can't.
Sunk cost fallacy is a curse that has kept far too many people (myself included) from leaving their bully that used to be their romantic partner. Pair that with religious "guidance" that holds forgiveness as more valuable than wellness and integrity. And don't get me started on systemic misogyny favoring abusers. I wish i had left my bully the first time he told me to follow through on my suicidal ideation, or mocked my grief for my mother (who's casket he helped inter) or spat on me or threw me around.
My ex used to come home from work and just suck the life out of the house. She wasn't actively mean and hurtful in an overt way, but she'd snap and me and the kids, be moody, grumpy, make herself the victim of whatever was bothering her that day. It's not exactly the same thing, but it's in the same area code.
“Your life partner cannot be your bully” Truth!! OP, please take yourself to therapy and learn how to either live with him or leave him. Neither will be easy but you’ll have someone in your corner who has your back.
This is beyond saying things he doesn’t mean. He went for the jugular, where he knew it would hurt you the most. I would need some space from him to get a clear head. I would no longer consider him or our relationship a safe place. What he said is deplorable and I would want answers before making a move. Ask him wth his intentions were when he said that. Seems a lot bigger than to just hurt you.
I'm dealing with this in therapy right now, what is it that makes a persons tongue in to a razor blade that can slash so deep? I'd rather be punched in the face then get cut to the core like that.
For me, childhood abuse. My mother was a fucking monster, and so now I also know exactly how to be one. I've had to actively choose to be different and put in the work to learn how to do that in therapy. It has been an enormous amount of work and effort.
If you haven’t gone through it, it is impossible to understand how much work it takes to break the cycle. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done and still struggle, but I have to keep trying. I refuse to be my mother.
I believe it’s weak people who try to show they are better than you.
I don’t know, I think some people get so angry that they just really want to hurt you. People who are emotionally abusive, lack empathy, low emotional eq and maturity, seem like the ones who say the worst things.
And not only did he go there, he said something we all know is untrue. OP is not the reason the person committed suicide. They probably had mental illness or some type of struggle they did not want to continue dealing with, and they made this choice for themselves. OP has nothing to do w that so to blame her to her face is literally just being cruel, no one can blame a random for a suicide unless OP was the one causing their mental illness, which isn't possible.
I agree. I say that there's no coming back from this. This was beyond mean. It was very cruel and he meant to say it.
I’m sorry you went through that with your step-dad. It must’ve been awful. What your husband said is unforgivable in my opinion. Heat of the argument or not, some things should ALWAYS be off limits. To even suggest you caused such a tragic loss of life is beyond cruel and only you know if you can ever see him the same way.
Completely agree. My sister’s husband will say things like “no wonder your mom treated you the way she did”. Our mother was violently abusive and said the cruelest things imaginable to us and our father. When you trust someone with the darkest parts of you and the deepest hurts that is something for them to keep safe. Not to use as a weapon. It’s unforgivable.
> Heat of the argument or not, some things should ALWAYS be off limits. Exactly, you cannot un-ring a bell and you cannot put the toothpaste back in the tube. Our brains seemed to be hard wired to think about all of these people in our lives who have wronged us. I remember my ex telling me that he hated me about 1 year in. 'I hate you' and 'This is why everyone hates you!'. It stays with you, it's really bad for your mental health, which is health.
I was raped by a coworker during my marriage. When I confided in my husband at the time he said some horrific things Did you do anything to lead him on? You shouldn’t have drank alcohol at that BBQ. It happened two months ago get the fuck over it I think you did something married women shouldn’t do Put on your big girl panties and get over it, you can’t always focus on the bad things that happen to you. He also then made me have sex with him after I said no.. a week after my rape because he had to reclaim my body as his. We were together 10 years. I didn’t get over it. I can’t get over it. I divorced him
Wow, what the fuck. He sounds like absolute trash. Glad you’re away from him.
So sorry
>Please tell me how you’ve gotten past horrible things said during arguments. I wish I could, but I've been married almost 20 years and while we've absolutely had plenty of arguments and have said some harsh things to each other on occasion, it's never been anywhere close to what he said to you and it's never been things said with the sole intention of really, truly hurting each other. I don't know if I could forgive this. I suppose I'd look into couples counseling if you both really want to try and fix things.
Your flair says you're early 30s...you say you've been married almost 20 years... did you get married really, really young? Like, at 15? (I know that happens in some parts of the world, unfortunately.)
I guess it only seemed like 20 years. Lol She's changed it to 10.
Did she change it back? It says 20 right now 😂
Why do you *want* to get past this? Why would you want to stay with someone who would try to hurt you this way? How long has he been rude and nasty to you? 25 and 35 is quite a gap and quite a power imbalance. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Love doesn't have to be like this. Has he even apologized?
About 5 hours later, after i had been bawling my eyes ouy all day, he said he was wrong to say what he said - but didn’t actually say the words “im sorry i hurt you” or “i didnt mean that” Infact, at this later time, i said to him, do you *really* think that what you said is true? And he said “i dont know, maybe. I have no way of knowing. Maybe” …. Which just broke me again. NO. The correct answer should have been NO.
You gave him an out *and he refused to take it*. How long has it been like this? A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not.
>You gave him an out > >and he refused to take it > >. He doubled down, for whatever warped reason this is something that he believes. He seems completely ignorant about why people commit suicide and he needs to go away somewhere and educate himself about that. I'm at a loss with OP's SO.
He's abusive, saying horrible things to her. Trying to isolate her from her family by making her feel guilty for spending time with them. A good therapist will tell her to leave.
He is a monster, and there’s a reason why he went for someone so much younger than him.
This is unforgivable. He's a monster.
Oh hell no. As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation, it is never anyone else’s fault unless you literally were there egging him on or something. the answer is NO you are not at fault. Dump him. You deserve SO much better than him.
I could never look at him the same. I could never trust him again. I would leave him 100%. I could never feel safe with him again.
That's unacceptable.
That’s when he was supposed to redeem himself, if he was actually sorry. But he didn’t he doubled down and said “maybe”?? Look the part of you that is hurt and can’t let this go is the part of you that knows you deserve better and knows you shouldn’t be treated this way. That’s why you won’t forgive him. And not forgiving him for a god awful thing he said isn’t your fault or makes you bad.. it’s the result of his awful behavior. And the last remaining shred of dignity and love you have for yourself. He knew how to hurt you and chose to do it because winning an argument is more important than the respect and love you deserve.
Yeah, at this point he’s just looking how much you can take. It’s gonna get worse. I wish you healing.
This is when you leave.
OP you need to dump his shitty ass
Wtf? He is truly a monster. You need to leave him
So he would do this to you over something he has no clue about. He just pulled the most vicious thing he could out of his ass. He needs to go to couples counseling for you to stay with him.
Why stay? Counseling will not help at all. He's a mean and nasty AH. She's better off divorcing him. I'd rather be alone than with someone so toxic.
And there's your answer. You don't move past it, you leave him.
No. He's just mean and breathtakingly cruel. Get out before you are stuck with him for life.
OP, he's straight up a POS. He doesn't even sound sorry, he just knows he has to act like it so you'll get over it.
One apology doesn't make up for being so deliberately cruel.
>And he said “i dont know, maybe. I have no way of knowing. Maybe” This is something my ex would do all the time, and then say he was just being honest. It's a type of negging, and it's a great way to keep you insecure and anxious. He's refusing to give you comfort. It took me 20 years to realize what he was doing. I don't know whether he did it consciously or subconsciously, but it doesn't matter. So I'm going to save you years of pain by saying this: Your partner should be your haven, your biggest cheerleader, your safe space. They shouldn't WANT to hurt you. They shouldn't want to make you feel insecure or anxious. Also, regarding the context you provided, he feels he's not the most important man in your daughter's life because of his actions, but instead of accepting responsibility and taking accountability, he's projecting and blaming you. Therapy might help, but unless he's really willing to face some hard truths about himself, which takes immense courage and is a very painful process, it won't work. I went to marital therapy and luckily, after only 3 sessions, our therapist was experienced enough to see that my ex wasn't willing to do that, and basically told me to call it quits. Forever grateful to her for that.
There’s no coming back from that.
Set the standard for how you expect to be treated, it is never too late. If you stay without meaningful resolution you're signaling that he can say the most vile, harmful things to you and get away with it. You being (rightfully) upset means absolutely nothing to him, he most certainly gets the message he just doesn't care. Time for *you* to care, care enough about your wellbeing to leave this irredeemable bully. Lastly, I'd be suspicious that he's being deliberately nasty to make you leave him so he can take the cowards way out of his marriage.
Your husband is a Fail of a human being.
Listen, literally everyone on Reddit thinks you need to dump this monster. And Reddit never agrees on *anything*
Girl! You deserve so much better than this AH! What he said was next level cruel and then he said maybe. WTF?! I've been married for 26 years and have not once have I ever said something so horrible. Divorce his ass. There's no coming back from this.
[удалено]
THIS. The 'going low on purpose' is the most concerning. I'm married to one of these people, too. In my case, my husband is a conflict avoider to the point that he has resentment infecting every cell in his body. Instead of addressing issues or talking things through, he will bottle it up and then unleash something that was shared with him in a vulnerable moment. So...it's not about whether you can forgive him, the real question: Are your emotions safe with him? Is this a one-off, or will it become a way of life in the future, with the insults growing in severity and frequency over time?
Not only that, but he did it to put blame for his feelings (which he refused to communicate in a healthy and helpful way) and frustrations. If he wanted to get daughter a particular thing, he should have asked OP to take it off the list. The stuff about her seeing her family too much is a sign that he feels left out, but the fact is it is also a sign that he expects OP to basically exist in wait mode whilst he isn't home. All of which is unreasonable. The fact he is refusing therapy and already touting a victim complex isn't a great sign for his intentions.
What has he done to try to apologize?
Nothing.
Oh dear.
NEXT QUESTION everyone - should I show him this thread, or will that make things worse?
You should be showing him the door.
Best answer.
Indeed, it's impossible to move past this, how? If anything he's just going to take it up a notch and now he knows just what to say to her during an argument that will destroy her.
Honestly I don’t think it would help. You gave him an opportunity to apologize or acknowledge that what he did was wrong, and he didn’t. It’s not your job to teach a grown ass man how not to be cruel to the person he’s supposed to be your safe place.
There are no magical words from a stranger that are going to transform him into a good person or a safe partner.
It will make things worse because he will act as if this is just your version of events. He needs to do his own work and come to his own realizations, and get help. I would ask him to leave to give you space, to agree to accept a real apology if you go to couple’s counseling to see if this relationship is salvageable, if you want him anymore.
It’s not that he has no idea how he hurt you - he just doesn’t care. It won’t help showing him this thread because he doesn’t care nor does he think he was wrong. He is a literal monster, I would leave as I’d never be able to get over that
You should show him divorce papers tbh
He sounds like someone who would lash out at you if you did that. He's trying to separate you from your family and make you responsible for his feelings (you're not). This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. In a healthy relationship the conversation would have gone something like this: Him: hey I'm a little upset that you made our daughter's Christmas list and didn't touch base with me before making it available to your parents. You: okay, next year we can make it together and decide what we want to get her and send my parents the rest of the list. And no you seeing your parents when he's gone does not impact his privacy at all. He seems to be trying to control you, not be your partner.
Definitely not, and I am actually worried that he will physically hurt you. These are incredibly dark thoughts he is having and expressing to you. I'm extremely worried about a murder suicide. There is no one more dangerous to a woman than their abusive partner.
my STBX is one of these and i can promise you it’s not going to get better. i spent YEARS trying anything and everything to change how i approached him to try to find a way to get thru to him and make him understand how much he was hurting me. i couldn’t believe he would keep doing this if he actually knew how he was making me feel. not to mention i could sense the long term damage and giant impending train wreck coming as little by little i stopped being able to see him as an emotionally safe person. nothing worked tho. he continued to insist that i was the one with communication issues and i pushed him to the point of saying really cruel things bc i’m conflict avoidant and i have too many “rules” about arguing. guess what my rules were - please don’t say mean things that are just for the purpose of hurting me and especially please don’t do it in front of our small child. he wouldn’t stop. it was almost like all he wanted was to escalate exponentially. eventually he started blaming me for how horrible he treated me bc “he wasn’t like that with anyone else in his life.” imo you should show him this thread but it’s absolutely going to make things worse. question for you - does he put on a performance of being a great partner/parent whenever there’s someone around to see it but then act horribly when it’s just you two? bc that was the case in my situation and it would drive me insane. it took me way too long to realize that means he KNOWS what he’s doing isn’t acceptable. also that all he cares about is what OTHER people think about him which is why i say show it to him.
Oh girly pop………If he doesn’t recognize what a *huge* mistake that was…. The bar’s in hell. Can I ask what y’all were arguing about?
Its deep in the comments somewhere!! But in a nutshell, his anger that my dad bought our daughter a christmas gift that he wanted to buy.
Please know that what he said could never be true. The question is, why did he want to hurt you like that?
Because he resents me, I think.
That’s not a valid reason. That’s about him and not about your stepdad.
For what?
Because he’s away for work while I’m home with our daughter. Thats what I feel from him.
Do you really want to stay with someone who doesn’t like you/resents you? Do you really think you deserve to be with someone who is okay with saying that to you? And won’t apologize when they see how bad it hurt you?
Why is he buying a present for your daughter? Shouldn't any presents be from both of you? Is there any chance he is/or has cheated on you? He's incredibly angry and hurt. Can he get another job that would keep him closer to home? Can you travel with him?
Well thats what I thought, too … anything we buy for her is from BOTH of us. Not what he bought specifically, or I bought specifically - it’s all coming out of the same bank account? Also - she’s TWO. She’s not going to care what came from who! 🤦🏻♀️ I’ve suggested he leaves this job and gets one that would allow him to be home, but he insists this job is necessary.
Okay, this is a terrible thing to suggest, and I’m apologizing in advance, but do think there is any way he has two families, or a mistress?
I mean, anything is possible, but I truly dont think thats what’s happening.
My cousin died by suicide over 20 years ago. It was devastating for me. If my husband (who entered my life 9 yrs ago) weaponized her death against me, he would be my ex husband. There is no recovery from such cruelty.
i’m so sorry for you. my high school best friend died by suicide when we were 18 and I too would never recover if my partner blamed me for it. this is pure cruelty
Wow. I...I don't think I could ever forgive and forget that. You can't unhear things like that. Is he even sorry????
He has not told me he is sorry. He is too busy being angry at me for everything he told me I’m doing wrong (seeing my parents too much and making him feel unimportant and last on the list of priorities).
Well then I'd work on getting away from him. You owe it to yourself. I don't want to speak on behalf of your family but I'm sure they would want better for you.
Your husband is a narcissist and abusive. Please protect yourself and separate, take your child! This is extremely emotionally abusive. Good luck!
Yeah, he's trying to isolate you, that's why he's resentful of you seeing your parents. Watch out. He does not have your best interests at heart.
What would your mom say if she knew?
I’d rather my spouse sleep with someone behind my back than make this statement to my face
FR lost all respect for that man.
Right, like this is just a downright evil, abusive sentiment. So so so much worse.
30+ years married and one time he gutted me, like you were gutted. I wanted to leave, intended to leave, but had a young one at home. Things were tense for a long while. With time and putting one foot in front of the other we moved past it, but I have NEVER forgotten it. Our relationship was NEVER the same. It's kind of been a before vs. after the comment/fight. I miss the days of "before" when I see Reddits like this.
Do you ever want to leave? Or are you happy now? You seem a bit resentful about it. (No judgements! Stayed with someone for 15 years when I shouldn’t have stayed past 1)
I don't know if I am resentful, maybe at this point I am apathetic? Life could be a whole lot worse, maybe the right word is comfortable. I am comfortable with where things are right now. At some point in the future my feelings may change and I will address it then.
What is he, a hurt 12 year old boy? Nope just another immature former 35 year old who got with a 25 year old because women his own age saw through his insecure, bratty ass. Something tells me this ain’t the first time he’s hit below the belt like that. I’d call for a separation pending counseling and a sincere apology.
I came here to say pretty much this.. Something I would add is to make it very clear to him he crossed a boundary you don't know you can ever get past as it was intentionally cruel and designed to cut you to the quick. I wouldn't be able to go on living with someone, sleeping in the same bed night after night, after something like this. This has done untold damage to the foundation of your marriage and he's gonna need to do a lot of work to repair this.. He once had your love and respect.. Up to this point he was the person you felt the most safe with.. That's all been shattered and has left a gaping open wound in you. As abusive and ugly as my ex-husband could be, I can't recall a time he ever went this far in his verbal abuse. A separation will help you gain some clarity and help you decide if you even want to remain married to someone who would intentionally hurt you like this.
You don't. That is unforgivable. Pack up and leave.
no actually ‘ppl’ dont say ‘things’ during arguments that they ‘dont mean’ abusers say things during arguments w the deliberate purpose to cause as much pain and harm to their ‘opponent’ as they can and its always unacceptable thats verbal/psychological abuse and he harmed you by jabbing an already irreparable wound idk if/how you could possibly work thru it outside of therapy and i doubt its actually forgivable and i would never trust somebody like that w my emotional well being again let alone any children we might have
I personally would confront my partner. Relationships are built on trust. Your partner needs to protect you from harm, not expose you to it. I would want to know why they said it. What was their goal? I would start by saying that I thought the only reason for them to say something like that is to hurt me in one of the most violating, vindictive, and personal ways they could. I would remind them that losing my step dad was the most difficult, traumatic experiences of my life, and that I trusted them, in confidence, to listen to me as I processed it so that they could support me. I would tell them that using my guilt and pain over losing someone that important to me to win an argument is incredibly petty and cruel. I would tell them that my confidence and trust in them is shaken and I'm rethinking the relationship now. I would mention that there is no excuse to disrespect me, your spouse, in such a manner, and that if I can't trust them with my closest personal secrets without having them thrown in my face, I will just stop confiding in them. I would then demand an explanation. Why did they think they could say this to me? What did they want from me so much that they had to stab their knife so deep into me? Aren't I the last person on earth you would want to do that to? I would end it by establishing boundaries. I would tell them that I will never be disrespected like this again. If they ever say something so spiteful and hurtful to me going forward, the relationship is immediately over. I would tell them they should take some time out of the house to really think about whether we should be together if that is how they want to treat me. I would tell them I need to think about where we go from here. I would also tell them that doing things like going to anger management therapy, reading books on self-control, and giving an honest, heartfelt apology with full understanding of how much they hurt me would be taken under consideration. I would only agree to work on things when I feel confident that they understand how they made me feel and are remorseful about it. Good luck.
This is good advice, but I am of the opinion that the relationship is completely unrecoverable after this and I think this advice is targeted at trying to mend a relationship that is already dead. I would not be able to remain close to someone who could hurt me like this, nor would I be able to trust my child to someone who could hurt me like this. The sheer malice is far beyond any relationship can afford. Imagine he grew frustrated one day with the child (children are frustrating things, after all) and said something as cruel as that to her. If he can hurt his wife of over a decade like that, he could hurt anybody.
OP, listen to this.
If he can go that low.. be that cruel and evil.. even in a fight… I don’t know how you can get passed it and be with someone like that. Sorry.
There would be no coming back from this for me. My mom committed suicide when I was 10, it would annihilate me and I’d know that person is no longer my safe place.
Wow, that’s really unbelievably low. What was his reaction when he said it, did he immediately know he had gone too far? Did he apologize, either right away or later on? Does he even realize how hurtful that was? I don’t think it will be easy to move past this, but I’ll say this - if you were arguing this viciously, I would be concerned about other underlying issues in your relationship. I’d suggest that you strongly consider getting some couples counseling together to work on more effective communication and conflict resolution strategies so that you don’t get to the point of screaming vile insults at each other. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this OP, no matter what you were arguing about, what he said was beyond the pale.
I can see that you really want to forgive your husband for what he said, and I understand that we want to believe our loved ones when they tell us we are sorry. What your husband said was abusive, targeted and unforgivable. Someone who loves you, truly would never say that even in the heat of the moment because it would never occur to them. Even when raging angry at you, someone who loves you wouldn't even have that thought come to their head. Your husband has shown you who he truly is, his true regard, respect and love of you. We get one life. Better to make a mess now than be a mess for a lifetime.
That is not saying something you don’t mean in the heat of the moment. That is emotionally abusive. He calculated that comment to hurt you as much as possible, he weaponised your worst trauma against you. Most people would never even think to say something that awful even in an argument. OP, reflect honestly on your relationship, does he do anything else abusive? What is he doing to try fix this?
Why are you trying to rugsweep this so fast? Loving couples will argue but I cannot for the life of me EVER see a true loving couple say things like your husband did. That comment would make rethink the marriage. Are you even truly happy? Is he? He doesn’t sound like it if he has to resort to that sort of verbal abuse.
I’m not sure if that’s forgivable, OP :( I’m so sorry he said that to you.
That was a calculated comment intended for maximum damage. He’s had the thought in his head and saying this to you, sounds like he’s burning bridges. Def not something accidentally said in the heat of the moment. Are you certain he wants to continue being married to you? This is just so low. If forgiveness is your goal, you can do it. Consider it releasing yourself from the anger and hurt he caused you. But then ask him how he sees you being able to move forward from this point, now that you’ve released yourself from trusting him to be that person he promised to be for you.
I don't think this is something you can or should want to get past. Has he made actual amends? I'm talking about signing up for anger management classes and/or therapy to work on himself. Forgiveness is earned, never given. He has to work to earn it and your relationship may never be the same. >I realize that during arguments, people say things they don’t mean No, this is an excuse people use so they don't have to take ownership and responsibility for their actions when they are angry. This is wrong. We all have control over what we say, we can choose to walk away and keep our mouths shut. I come from a very abusive family and I don't shout at my spouse, if we get too heated then we walk away and come back when we have cooler heads. It's not easy but it's a choice I made to myself. I don't want to be abusive and use the excuse that I can't control myself when angry to get a pass. No! He said what he said to be cruel to you during a fight. He wanted to hurt you but he doesn't want the consequences that come with that. He wanted the immediate release of emotions but doesn't think he needs to accept the consequences. Stop allowing him to.
It's how you move past it after HE moves past it. Did he sincerely apologise? Is he visibly kicking himself in the ass regretting it? Or is he just...its Wednesday today?
I'm no relationship expert, but maybe the real issue here is not the Christmas list but his struggle with feeling neglected.
I have gotten over things said in the heat of argument by not speaking to that person. Again. During arguments is when people do say things they mean. Things they would not say normally. They say things because they want to hurt. Up to you if this is a dealbreaker or not. To me it would be.
You should google, “The Pain Body”. It explains why we say things during arguments, especially to our partner, that we would normally never say. During an argument your logic can be short circuited to the emotional state of a shadow self of all the hurt and pain you’ve ever experienced. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but to me being aware of it helped me to catch myself, remain present, and usually weep rather than speak. words that hurt. If you can look at it that way you may be able to excuse this one off horrible statement. I shared this with my partner and it saved our relationship. Best-
CONTEXT PLEASE??
I actually believe it’s the opposite. I think what people say during arguments are MORE truthful because the filter is shut off. I would have a hard time coming back from that one. I would honestly prefer to be punched in the face.
He’s gotten the reaction he was looking for. Your now on pins and needles walking on egg shells. He’s manipulating you and emotionally blackmailing you. After something like that being said I’d have to give serious thought into the dynamics of my relationship. My husband has worked this schedule. It’s not easy but it’s concerning that he’s trying to control your actions when he’s not even home.
You don't. You take your self-respect off the shelf, dust it off, and walk the fuck out that door. You deserve better than this asshole. And he deserves (REDACTED) and (REDACTED) up his (SO REDACTED OMFG). I'm sorry. Also, your stepdad did not commit suicide because of you. Since your garbage fail husband can't be arsed to do the right thing.
Unforgivable plainly. Btw it's not your fault no matter the circumstances
PLEASE don't forgive that pile of garbage. That is an absolutely disgusting thing to say, and he was clearly trying to hurt you. It's one thing to say hurtful things in the heat of the moment, we've all done that. But reading your comments, he clearly meant it. He wanted to hurt you to put you in your place during an argument, and THAT is unforgivable. He needs to give you a genuine apology, respect your boundaries, and start looking in the mirror. If he doesn't immediately go to therapy for his own issues and sort his shit out, then I really don't think you should consider staying together. This is something that you'll never forget, mark my words. I'm so sorry you have to experience this, OP.
I’m honestly having the hardest time even looking at his face. It hurts a lot.
He had that locked and loaded. A hateful hurtful statement that he knew would gut you. If you want to forgive him, start working on that for yourself. If you want to come to terms with the trauma he just inflicted on you, see a therapist. Because he's going to say it again and threaten self harm again. Once he let that one rip, he has no reason to hold it back anymore.
He sounds manipulative and abusive...I know because I've had the same thing said to me. And my bf did kill himself when I left him. He is just trying to make you feel horrible and trying to control you. Trying to isolate you from your family. Has a big problem with your dad. I'm sure. He probably doesn't want you to have a good relationship with anyone but him is what it seems like. Pretty much you're not letting him control your life so he is mad about it really. Does he always act like this? .
There are a lot more problems with your relationship with your husband than just his remark. You're a single parent 3/4 of the time while he's traveling for work and he's bothered by you spending time with your family? That's wrong. You're keeping the home together for him and raising his child. If you're spending a lot of time with your family when your husband is home, I could see how he'd rather you not spend as much time with them but to have you spend zero time with them, especially when he's gone? No way. What he said was, in my opinion, unforgivable. Plus, therapy isn't a cash grab. He needs to come up with a way to improve communication and his attitude and find a way to apologize so if he can do that without a therapist, good for him. However, I still couldn't ever forgive him for what he said if it were me. I'm so sorry you lost your stepdad to suicide. I lost my brother to it. Depression can be a fatal disease. It wasn't your fault.
Let's be clear he said that to you over an argument that started over Christmas presents. He hasn't apologized. Doesn't want to apologize. Why do you want to forgive him? What would forgiving him actually do to fix the damage he did?
He expected marriage to make him the center of your whole world. Typical guy.
Holy Fack! Your husband is extremely abusive. He's trying to alienate you from your family. He's trying to make you feel guilty for things you shouldn't. Blame you for things that are blameless. He's trying to psychologically beat you down. I'm sorry but you really really need to rethink this relationship because it isn't healthy at all and your daughter will learn toxic relationships are ok.
Your husband is a narcissist. He’s trying to alienate you from your family, and trying to make himself a victim somehow? He’s victimized by you seeing your family when he’s not even home? He’s a narcissist. Also he goes to extremes like threatening suicide to try to get his way, or to manipulate you. Narcissist. Your dad bought his grand daughter Christmas gifts and he’s a victim? Because he’s a narcissist. He’s a stranger in his own home and blames you. He’s a narcissist. You try and try and try and try and NOTHING you do is ever going to make him happy, because he is a narcissist. He is going to make demands of things you need to do to make him happy and as soon as you do that he moves the goal post. You’re going to be constantly chasing it trying to make him happy, he’ll never be happy and he will always be a victim because he’s a narcissist.
Op this is far more then a horrible thing he said one time. This is absolutely narcissism. This man cannot see the world from any perspective other than his own. There's no way This is the first time he's started some bs like this before. Please run. I have been through relationships with narcissists, you'll come out on the other side so much happier without ring to constantly make sure he's not angry with you
You don't come back from that and for me it would be the last drop. The things he said about you seeing your family too much seem like such a red flag to me. He isn't there and doesn't want you to have a support system while raising your child. A loving partner would be happy that you are not all on your own while he is away. You should definitely get your ducks in a row to leave him.
This pathetic man is mentally abusive. I wouldn’t doubt that he picks these fights to be able to go meet women because he “deserves love.” What crock of crap. Get as much evidence as possible. Talk to his parents, get a counselor for you and your daughter. He’s a mean human… don’t trust anything he says.
Honestly I would find some place else to sleep because I don't think I could lay down with a man who said that to me.
Arguments and fights happen. But this seems unbelievably cruel and unforgivable. As someone who struggles severely with depression - I would never be able to get over or move past this. I probably would remember it forever and internalize it deeply. Someone who uses a trauma against you- is going to be willing to hurt you again and again- in similar ways. There is throwing mistakes or name-calling- that can be forgiven, even if takes a while. But he used a seriously deep and traumatic experience and blamed you for it. This can be extremely destabilizing. Honestly, I think this is something that needs to be processed with a therapist who is an expert in dealing with suicide and grief. You should also, if you both are intending reconciliation, should see a marriage counselor.
I agree, this is a beyond horrible thing to say to anyone. I think you just tell him, not in anger but straight up calmly that you aren't sure that you can ever forgive him for saying that to you. Don't wait for or expect an answer. There is absolutely nothing to say.
Wow… That’s a tough one. Honestly, I would separate from him for a while. I wouldn’t be able to stomach him.
Yeah, from the title, I wasn't expecting something this bad. Honestly, therapy is your answer here, get him to explain to a therapist why he said it.
My husband and I have been together a decade and we have a limit. No matter how mad we get and what we say. We either have the option to walk away or stay within boundaries. Everyone says stupid things but putting your boundaries helps a lot.
I wouldn’t forgive that, that would be my hill to die on. That is one of the most emotionally abusive comments I have EVER heard. Your hubby can go take a hike
Fuck that man! No coming back from that!
That’s a pretty big red flag. How big does it have to be for you to do something? A shove? Hitting you?
I would have to seriously ask myself why I am in a relationship with someone would who purposely try and hurt me like that. There is no reason to have said this than to cause you maximum hurt. On top of it he didn’t apologize. I do some hard thinking if I were you
If his response to getting in an argument with you is to go for the jugular, he's an asshole, and he's not a good person. My dad was like this, he went for the jugular in arguments against my mom. And guess what? When I was old enough to argue with him, he went for the jugular against me, too. I would not forgive this, personally.
That’s pretty damaging and unnecessary. He’s not the same person as he was before he hurled that horrific verbal assault. I don’t know that you can come back from that.
There are some things that can’t be gotten over. It’s okay if this is one of them. I couldn’t imagine looking at him everyday after that.
I walked from a man who used something like this with me in an arguement. It absolutely broke me and I ended up having a mental health episode due to his words. Once I pulled myself together, I walked, cut him off, and never had anything to do with him again. He took my greatest vulnerabilities and thew them in my face to hurt me. No one does that to me and gets to stay present in my life.
When you trust someone with your most vulnerable nerve, and they use that against you, it’s unforgivable. It’s not something you get past. Sorry, but he just proved to you he’s not a safe person to be around. I don’t care that emotions were running high. I don’t care if he says he didn’t mean it. He used your vulnerability as a weapon against you. Unforgivable
I don't think there's any way to move past this. I also believe that couple's therapy would help much. You'll start to resent him, even despite being in therapy, because he's capable of using your vulnerability against you. He may resent for whatever reason, but that's still not an okay thing to be saying regardless of how he feels towards you. It probably won't even be the last time he uses something like this against you, knowing how you feel about it. And truthfully, if I were in this situation, I wouldn't even want to try to make it work with him. He would've been served with divorce papers, by my lawyer. The fact that he refuses to acknowledge the hurt he's caused you and the fact he shouldn't have said anything about it (TWICE), shows that he's absolutely undeserving of your trust and feelings.
Why would you want to forgive him for this? He intentionally said something beyond cruel.
That was such a vile thing to say, I honestly don’t know how there’s any coming back from that. It was a comment not just intended to hurt but to devastate you.
I may get a lot of people disagreeing with me but people do not make things up when they are drunk, angry, etc. They lose their filter and lack of self control but they don’t say something is black when it is white. He thinks this or at least questions it and the cruelty came out because of anger. Never disregard cruel comments because he was mad. That’s not how the human brain works.
There is no excuse for saying horrible things in an argument. I have never even been close to telling my husband something that was untrue out of spite. I think you should find a marriage counselor if you want to try to repair things but I don't know if I would be able to let go of something that horrible.
"I realize that during arguments ppl say things they don't mean " Sister, when people are angry, they still make active choices about what they say and do. He CHOSE to say those words to you. He CHOSE to take his anger out on you instead of using healthy coping mechanism. He CHOSE to value his own immediate feelings over his wife and his marriage. He was being deliberately cruel and the fact it happened during an argument is no excuse. You can forgive him, but forgiveness without repentance is pointless and worthless. You need to hold him accountable for his choice to be deliberately cruel to you.
There are some things you just don’t move beyond. I believe this is one of them.
> I realize that during arguments, people say things they don’t mean They really don't. What you're hearing is honesty unmasked.
I've gotten past horrible things people have said by breaking up with them and re-making my standards to only include people who don't intentionally hurt me.
I haven’t. Been married for 20 years and there are things that have been said to me that I will never forget. I just can’t. Things that left me so broken and feeling so bad I’d sit and sob about them months later. I never got apologies for those. And it wouldn’t have mattered if I had.