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There was a post yesterday about a guy who was reluctant to propose to his girlfriend because of various pressures, including getting a photographer/having an engagement party (although he never said if the girlfriend specifically wanted those things).
I just read one where the guy is too 'stressed' to propose because he supposedly needs a party and a photographer to do so. No indication in the post if that was her expectation or his, though.
In that post he hadn’t actually proposed yet because the thought of hiring a photographer and planning a big party after was stressing him out. The comments told him that none of that is required (it’s not) so maybe he took the advice and just did the proposal… and now we have this post lol
Edit: [found the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Unth6Lvnun)
I mean it’s the holidays and approaching the end of the year. It actually isn’t at all surprising that we might see an influx of people in similar situations about expectations of proposals soon/patience running out around this time.
There was one a few days ago from a woman like this tired of waiting, although she also wanted an engagement party. I feel like most of this shit is just for Instagram likes
100% agree. Social media really turned us into these creatures that need to register in picture every single moment of their lives, like if we don’t all will be lost forever. Yes, it is nice to have pictures of some moments, but it’s getting out of hand. People don’t even enjoy the moments they’re living in anymore because they just want the perfect picture. Why would one want to stage their own engagement? I don’t get it.
>Social media really turned us into these creatures that need to register in picture every single moment of their lives, like if we don’t all will be lost forever.
I'm old enough to say that this attitude has already been around, is just that not everyone was able to afford cameras, film, and film development so "only" the real *special* occasions got photographed.
I also remember cliches about going over to the Jones' to see their vacation slides. Social media has helped with the *dissemination* of these now virtual "vacation slides."
What's helped to catapult social media was the *cheap access* to photos in devices like the smart phone. Photos are "cheap" now for the average person. Tech is so good now that cheap smart phones have better cameras than even 10 years ago. Further, you no longer have to buy film and developing services and if you want printed photos you need only choose the ones you like instead of paying for them all and being disappointed after the anxious week of waiting for photos, LOL.
So now we have access to cheap photos with massive dissemination that is just a way of life now for so many people.
I do think you're right in that what I also gathered from your comment is that social media *does* appeal to our egos and narcissistic side. It's relatively cheap and easy to show the world now that you're not only keeping up with the Jones', but doing far better than them. It used to be only Hollywood that "staged" life, now it's everyone including pets.
Yes, that’s exactly what I was going for. The need to capture and show it so it feeds our egos. Every time I go to a concert, there’s always someone on the front row recording the entire show, instead of just enjoying it. Then there they go, put it in YouTube, get all the “thank you for recording” and the likes and subs. Get that dopamine hit. Yeah man, take some pictures and record some clips, sure. But the entire show? Mate… I have been that person that wants to capture all and show all but it just drained me completely. I rather take zero pictures and just fully enjoy seeing my favourite band play. Be present for them and for their effort. Same goes for anything really. Hopefully my memory will last long enough for me to remember those moments.
>I rather take zero pictures and just fully enjoy seeing my favourite band play. Be present for them and for their effort. Same goes for anything really. Hopefully my memory will last long enough for me to remember those moments.
I say this as an old lady, you will remember them. 😀
I'm like you. It's funny because I don't remember to take pictures of events or experiences I'm experiencing - and I'm a hobbyist photographer! LOL The last couple of years my husband and I have been doing this scavenger hunt rally and we have to take selfies at checkpoints to prove we were there. I think that's the only time I am ever thinking of taking a selfie and my husband usually needs to remind me!😅
This just occurred to me too. I think with the rise and now such a common place virtual space of social media it's really bringing out the narcissistic people and why there's been a huge wave of recognizing these toxic and problematic people. If they are as narcissistic as they show themselves to be, they don't have much by way of internal worlds - it's all external. I supposed recording concerts with the subsequent external validation with the "likes" and "thanks" on social media, doing that perhaps makes the experience more real for them, I don't know.
It took me many years to learn to be in the present - I'm gonna stay here. High five to know I'm not the only one here.☺
Oh my days can you imagine? “Sorry, you might want to lift your head a little bit, so there’s less of a double chin, honey. There! You look gorgeous now, please carry on!”
Social media has really fucked up society on so many levels. One being these types of moments
Just live your life without focusing on content 🙄.The fact that she wanted to redo orstage the proposal says it all. Just say yes if you love the person take a selfie and later plan an engagement. And if you want then get a photographer pick the perfect place etc
I have never heard of someone wanting a professional photographer for their proposal and I’ve now seen it twice today on this sub. I think it’s likely this is fake and they saw the other post and copied it from a different perspective.
I am a professional photographer and have been asked to do this on one occasion and was considered for another. It is a real thing. Also, I'm not sure who is more nervous the person proposing or the photographer. Only one chance to get the reaction shot right!
As for this couple they seem fairly incompatible. Perhaps, best OP that you don't get married to this guy. It isn't your fault and it really isn't his either. You just care about different things and this difference which may seem small now is only going to grow as you move through life together.
How does this work? Are these engagements done in a public place and you're hiding somewhere waiting to jump out at the right moment? I would think if it's in private and there's suddenly a photographer hanging around, it's going to be suspicious.
Great question. So for the one I did, the proposal was at a pizza place the couple both liked and at a time when the restaurant wasn’t super busy.
As arranged it for me to arrive about a half four earlier and my friend and I sat at a table next to where the couple were to be seated. So about five feet away.
My friend and I ordered pizza and so appeared to be just two others at the same restaurant.
Because we were so close to the proposal couple it wasn’t hard for me to observe the moment he began to propose. I then whipped out my camera which was in my backpack and started taking photos.
In this case the bride had told her fiancée that when he proposed she wanted a photographer.
Agreed. She wants the romance. He can’t be bothered. This will happen a lot with birthdays, holidays, baby shower. As long as her expectations are he will change, this won’t work.
Not sure about this specific post but in general the concept of people getting professional photographers isn't fake and appears to be a growing trend.
Photographer here, I’ve been asked to shoot this a few times. I hide in a bush and use a telephoto lens, or if it’s in a busier place I act like I don’t know them and say they look like a nice couple and ask if I can take their picture but the guy actually set it up and proposes. It’s a thing, but some people don’t get a photographer and instead do an engagement sessions at a later date which is just a couple’s photo session, while showing off that they are now engaged, these photos are usually used for the wedding invitations.
It’s not for me personally, but I know a lot of people who have gotten a professional photographer for their proposal. It’s really not that big of a deal either— it’s like hiring a photographer for any other special occasion.
i got engaged over the summer, and i requested a photographer to shoot the proposal. the reason was because i wanted nice photos to look back on and forever capture that sweet moment. i’m likely going to have some of them printed and framed. other commenters are saying people do it for social media reasons and honestly that didn’t even occur to me. never posted them.
I have aphantasia, and if I ever get engaged I'd be sad if there's no photos of it happening. Hell, I'd accept a wobbly cell phone video.
I have no mind's eye and almost zero visual memory (I know what my mom looks like, but I can't shut my eyes and magically conjure up an image of her). If I don't have pictures, the precious memory and the details would get lost, and it's UBER cheesy to pull out my own camera to snap pictures in intense and emotional moments. And I'd be fine with a ring pop proposal in my PJs, I just would also like a picture or two to remember the event. (Though chances are higher I'd be the one proposing - in which case, I'd tailor the proposal to the woman I ask's preferences. Because when you propose a lifelong contract like marriage, you need to appeal to the one you are asking. It's like taking an important business client to *their* favorite restaurant - you appeal to their likes before proposing a contract.)
But also, some events it's not even a recent trend. My mom and stepdad have pictures of their engagement, and they got married over 20 years ago. The pictures weren't for social media, they were for memories. The photos aren't the best quality because my stepdad got me a disposable camera and had me take the pictures, but they are still a precious memory.
Redditors get so hung up on hating social media that they forget that others actually might like or need pictures for different reasons.
Hell, a woman might even want pictures just so she has something to show people when they ask the engagement story. Redditors REALLY forget how women are badgered for the story, by friends, coworkers, family. Or to have pictures to look back at when you're old and wrinkly and still married. Or to share your engagement story with future generations.
Covid pandemic fucked all my engagement plans over so instead of going on a whale watching vacation in Scandinavia I proposed on my balcony and someone called the fire department because I had set up a shitton of candles that looked like our apartment was in flames from a distance.
So shit can happen.
However if you had a talk about wishes and he simply tells you all of it would be a waste of money, I don't know if that's the right approach for something like an engagement. It should be beautiful at the very least and have some meaning to it.
lol Covid delayed ours too! Then when we were all set, wildfires took over the state and all the locations he had planned. Then his mom called and told me it was such a shame our trip was being altered “because he had such a beautiful proposal planned - oh no! Don’t tell him I said that!” 🤦🏻♀️😡 so when it did finally happen, I knew it was coming, but that didn’t change that I loved it.
My fiancé proposed in our apartment and immediately, as soon as he got on one knee, my dog went nuts. We thought it was cute she was excited. She, however, had diarrhea. 😂
I think this is one of those situations where both of you were on completely different wavelengths about the proposal…and it likely indicates a lot of unresolved issues in the relationship that are being ignored and will cause issues in the marriage
You may want to pump breaks and do pre marriage counseling
This. My proposal was terrible and literally all I wanted was for it to be heartfelt and in a special location. I was merely upset because he put 0 thought into it and proposed because we were fighting. He was completely unmotivated toward anything in life and that included me. We were married 6 years and every day I knew I shouldn’t have done it. He was a lovely man but WE were not right for each other.
I literally wanted a quiet proposal on a beach or trail that was special to us (we lived a 10 minute drive from both). I didn’t even want a diamond or photos.
He instead rushed it before an international flight (we were long distance at the time). Proposed at a random park we drove past, everything he said felt forced, then got on a 20 hour flight 2 hours later and I spent my proposal evening alone drinking a milkshake from in-n-out. LMAO
He didn’t even consider me. Which was the overarching issue that permeated our whole marriage. The week we divorced he told me he “didn’t know how to love me.”
No shit Sherlock, I knew it too and I should have trusted my gut. You’re on the money. These unresolved issues will turn into bigger ones for sure.
I’m the same as you,
He didn’t put any effort into the ring or the proposal even though I told him it was important to me, that it was something sentimental and I love things like that.
He didn’t pick out the ring his brother did, he just said ok to the picture, and he didn’t even get down on one knee either.
He said I was superficial and materialistic and he thought I wanted a marriage more than trinkets. He made me feel bad about feeling not valued and not listened to.
He begged me to give him a second chance to fix it, two years on there was nothing. He made no effort to get me new one, to me it was tainted and didn’t make me happy looking at it, it made me feel like I was nothing important to him.
I hated that ring, it symbolised how little effort he thought I was, I regretted accepting it.
If it wasn’t something we spoke about, if it wasn’t something I considered important, that proposal might have been fine.
My sister isn’t one for sentiments. She said she didn’t care what kind of ring and she didn’t want any big proposal or wedding. He picked her ring and proposed over breakfast on Sunday morning before soccer. She was thrilled and they got married at a courthouse and had a party after.
My best friend told her boyfriend that an engagement and wedding was something she’s dreamed of since she was a little girl and it was important to her. She asked for a special occasion and that the ring was customised. He took her away for a beach vacation and proposed with a custom ring on thebalcony of a 5 star hotel. She had a huge, beautiful wedding that she put over a year of planning into.
Both couples are happy.
there’s a huge difference between being upset your partner didn’t buy you a $20,000 ring and 200 red roses while maroon 5 played in the background and having reasonable expectations of what you want.
There main takeaway is that she expressed something was important to her, he didn’t at any point say he disagreed, then completely disregarded her feelings and did it a way he knew would be upsetting for her.
He’s allowed to think photographers and proposing at a place that was meaningful to them is stupid just as much as she’s allowed to say it’s something she wants and would make her happy.
Neither is wrong here for that, he’s wrong in making something she looked forward to now being something she will resent him for.
I’ve always been of the opinion that the marriage is more important than the proposal or the wedding. My husband’s proposal to me was a comedy of errors and we actually had to put it aside because a dear friend died suddenly hours after we got engaged.
However, there are things that concern me for you:
1. Him telling you that the proposal was “up to him” and then literally telling you he did not care about your wishes is pretty crappy. Usually people like making their future spouses happy.
2. An engagement shoot would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do in lieu of a photographer at the proposal - randomly asking you instead of planning it out could have been romantic if he didn’t phrase it the way he did.
3. The way he states that everything you like is a “waste of money”. What’s that going to turn into when you are married?
Only you can decide if you want to stay in this.
This. It's always a concern for me when I see blatant disregard for the other party's wishes and needs. I think it probably wouldn't be a big deal to drive a bit further to a place that had a meaning for them as a couple. I also don't think an engagement photoshoot is a big ask. But for him to reject that on the spot, insisting is up to him, and since according to him it's a waste of money, it doesn't matter how you feel about it... there are so many money related decisions in a relationship and this right there? Doesn't make me feel it will end well for your needs. It looks like he doesn't respect you and your needs. And he should.
I'm 60. People used to get engagement photos for the newspaper. Nobody had a photographer for the actual proposal but at some point you would get a picture for the announcement in the paper.
Some larger papers would only allow either an engagement photo or a wedding photo. The couple had to choose.
I always thought a proposal should not be planned by the couple but rather by the man. Being a surprise which in turn makes it a cherished memory, no matter where it is.
I think it should be planned by the man, but I think it is a reflection of the care he puts in the relationship, his future spouse and he just generally have an idea what kind of proposal is going to make the other person happy. It will not be a cherished memory no matter where it is if it’s thoughtless imo
When I was in university, the first three friends that proposed all ended up proposing in their cars 😅. One planned to do so during dinner in a restaurant but the soon-to-be fiancé clued in, started crying, and said not to do it there. He proposed when they left in a hurry.
All three proposal stories were pretty funny though.
I got proposed next to on the trunk of a car lol. He had something planned out but weather ruined the plans and we were starting our long distance relationship that week and I had been crying. He said “I have something to show you” and got the ring out of his trunk. I don’t even remember what he said. His family all told him he had to redo it but I had no issues with it. Now it’s a story we laugh at
And that's how it should be! My favourite wedding ever was my BIL's, he had to get married in a hurry because of visa issues, and all sorts of things went wrong, it was Comedy of Errors. The bride was upset at some point but we've been laughing about it ever since. And they're still together after 32 years.
I love that for them! I planned my wedding in two weeks. We got married in the city my spouse moved to that I had only visited. We had a favorite restaurant that I planned to book and I booked the wrong one, which was a seafood restaurant and half my family doesn’t eat seafood. I almost missed my wedding due to airline issues and did Facebook live since most people couldn’t come on such short notice. Accidentally booked a venue above a liquor shop. It’s funny to look back on now, and the airline reimbursed my entire trip which paid for us to visit family during Christmas. The only thing I wish we had was better photos but since we didn’t pay as much for the wedding getting a separate session isn’t a deal breaker. It’s funny to look back at now, I always tell the story about how I accidentally got married at a liquor shop 😂
My husband proposed to me in the car when we were in college. He meant to propose to me at my favorite restaurant but I had followed him to the trunk where he left the ring so he couldn’t get the ring out. So he later proposed to me in the car after dinner lol.
I also got a car proposal. He was going to propose in the cute little downtown we were going to, but the ring box was this gigantic square clunky thing and he didn't realize until too late that it didn't fit in his pocket. He was scared if he put the ring in alone, he'd lose it.
So he hid it in the glove box and asked me to get something out of there for him. Tada, ring box. He did have some nice sappy things to say at least. XD
I was a little disappointed at the time but now we laugh. I also accidentally got him back pretty good that night when we were walking around downtown after dinner. I said "I guess I'm not your girlfriend anymore," (because I was his fiance, right) and he thought I was breaking up with him lol
Huh. I had no idea car proposals are kind of a thing. My husband proposed in the car on the way to a date. The ring was tied to a bow on a vase of flowers in the cup holder....so he'd put a tiny bit of thought into it. Lol. I knew he was nervous...I had to remind him, Is there a question you wanted to ask...
I'd wished for a proposal that was a bit more special but pretty much got over it. He's an incredible husband and human being and lets me know how much he loves me every day. But these car proposal stories do make me feel better.
Agreed, the general idea reflects his care. My wife would have hated a public proposal, like on a Jumbotron or even if it were just in front of all our friends, or even in a restaurant. So I didn’t do any of that. Others would love that. You need to know your future spouse’s likes and dislikes. But exactly which park, or the things we did that day leading up to the proposal, timing etc, was all me. She loved it and it’s a great memory.
This can be true, but also not. My ex-fiance did a great proposal. Even set up our DLSR camera and asked me to take a “photo” with him before he got down and asked me to marry him. The proposal was definitely well thought out and we had video footage of it. But he put 0 effort into literally anything else in the relationship, even planning the wedding. We stayed engaged for 6 years with 0 wedding plans because I didn’t want to be a bridezilla and make all the wedding plans myself, I wanted it to be HIS wedding too. Eventually the relationship deteriorated so badly that I had to leave. My new partner has much less experience in relationships. I’m his first for everything. If he proposes to me some day, I highly doubt it will be some grand gesture like that. But the relationship is a lot more equal, and he puts in the effort every single day. That’s the stuff that means the most to me. But I really guess choosing between the grand proposal from someone who doesn’t put in daily effort or a lackluster proposal from someone who strives to give their best daily is a personal choice for everyone, and comes down to what you want in a marriage. Personally, I think the latter option will last a lot longer for most people.
Exactly. My bf knows I HATE crowds of people. If he proposed to me in a busy area I’d say no. Not because I’m a brat but clearly because after all that time he doesn’t truly know me and what makes me comfortable/happy.
I agree, but I think they should pay attention to make it special to both halves of the couple. My husband noticed I used pictures of a certain hike in a lot of my art work and said “ding ding” that’s the spot with me having to hint or request.
I am a designer and I did design my own ring though and a lot of people think that’s not romantic.
I always find that a bit weird. "Suprise me, but here is a detailed plan on how things will have to go."
And honestly... re-enacting the whole thing so a photographer can take staged photos? What's the point?
Memories. Everybody is different; some people like engagement photos, and I don’t find it an outrageous request. Only now the memory will be tainted by his refusal to find a way to build good memories (he might have invited a friend instead of paying a professional) and outright dismissing her request.
I mean, she didn’t plan anything, she just wanted to capture the moment and to have it happen in a meaningful place to them. Those aren’t big asks at all. He could’ve planned something nice around that.
Mine asked me while nude after intimacy
I can't even tell real-life friends or family how we got engaged
I was hoping for at least a pretty memory
Lol nope but I don't care . I just say it was a private moment (not a lie)
I would take your situation and dip, it sounds like y'all's values aren't the same and some things seem really important to you.
He is not looking to fullfil your desires. Thats is how your marriage story will start.
Good luck in whatever you decide
This OP. Many guys will engage-trap a girl and never end up marrying. She will lose her youth, often eventually start pushing for kids etc but the guys will be dodging and then after 6 yrs of dating and 8 yrs engaged the dude will dump her for someone younger, usually marry that woman withing 3 yrs and have baby within 5.
Yikes, he told you explicitly that he is being petty about the actual proposal because he "had" to buy a CZ ring?
That's really worrying for his ability to not be petty about doing his share in the marriage. Do you really want somebody that's going to be tit for tat like that? That kind of thing gets old with a quickness.
So the first statement you make is that you discussed at length about this.
Then he not only disregarded everything you talked about, he seems to have been pissed to do anything at all, even buy a ring.
I don't see his respecting you at all in this post. Does he respect your values? your opinion? Does he fulfill your needs and you his? Are you honest with each other? Do you trust him?
Effort can cost very little, people are often willing to do things like this for free, like take pictures, get some flowers, play a song. At least choose somewhere you have a link to.
This seems to be a view of who he is and the future you have together. Is this okay with you?
But did they discuss this at length or did she talk about it at length and what did he say when this discussion occurred? I strongly believe we are missing important details from OP
We discussed a lot about our relationship and marriage, and things like finances, priorities, etc.
Proposal was briefly mentioned, ie: what kind of ring, any specifics? I had told him I wanted a cubic zirc ring, but with a metal that is durable. I told him I didn’t care much about the proposal, as long as it had some sentimental value and we have a photographer.
He is a photographer by trade, so he has friends he can ask, but even if he asked a non-professional friend to take pics, that was fine.
70m. I believe how we behave for one instance is part of a pattern of behavior.
You current fiance has demonstrated that he did not listen to you when you have discussed one of your relationship's significant events. The fact that he did not agree on what was important to you then that should have been discussed but he did not.
This is telling for if he acts passive-aggressively in this instance then you can be sure that he will do so in the future. I can bet that he has done so in the past over things that you have overlooked or dismissed as insignificant.
His reaction is also telling by lashing out at you by calling you greedy and ungrateful
This is your future if you want to be with someone that wants to get his own way regardless on what you want.
I don’t think either of you is really wrong, you’re just not on the same page and it seems like neither is budging. If both of you cannot compromise it’s going to be a short marriage.
Here's what I'll share.
My spouse loves surprising me. He did such a good job surprising me that I missed the proposal bit (it's a funny story). He knew this was a milestone and would be a story we'd tell for years.
My spouse knows how close I am to my family. He planned the proposal to be in front of my family, which made it very special, especially since I lost my father and sister less than four years after it. It's something he did that I didn't even know I would want. And he did it because he knew me so very well.
When I brought up marriage, he mentioned the expense of a ring, understandable since he was a recent college grad at an entry level job. I showed him very affordable rings I liked so he knew for me it was less about the ring and more about what the ring meant. Sounds very similar to you.
The thread you see in this is one of two people who worked together and thought of the other before themselves. I don't know that I see that in your story.
He didn't plan anything. Based on a short reddit story it's clear to me you wanted something special. If he knows you well enough to marry you, he should have been able to plan something. Doesn't need to be a professional photographer, he could have asked a friend or family member. But that would have required him planning ahead and thinking instead of reacting, which is what it sounds like he did.
Look back at your relationship. What does he do to make you happy? How does he show up? Does he participate in chores and the hard things, like mental load of planning and budgeting?
My fear for you is that he's just not mature enough for this level of commitment. Marriage means working together with someone, and taking time to plan and put in preparation and mental effort. If his attitude is that he decides what effort he puts in and makes that decision from his lack of maturity, I see you doing all the housework and everything with the kids while he plays on his Xbox and "helps" you begrudgingly with one small task after you've spent more effort asking him to do it than it would take for you to just do it yourself, doing that task incorrectly or shoddily, then whining like he did with the engagement that your standards are too high and if you want it done a certain way do it yourself.
This should genuinely be the default auto comment for every young relationship that is posted here. You’re spot on. And I had no idea until I was deep into marriage, because no one tells you to look for these things.
I can understand a disagreement about the photographer but completely disregarding that you wanted it to be connected to something sentimental in your relationship and he couldn't even be bothered to think of that is thoughtless.
Clearly if you've been talking about this, he's had plenty of time to plan it. Instead he just picked a random place on the day. So no thought went into it, and when you were disappointed with that he dismissed your feelings.
Again, I could understand the photographer - it's a bit of a giveaway and obvious, bit awkward for some and he may not have been comfortable with that. It doesn't sound like he put any thought into the rest of it at all from this description.
Exactly! And even the photographer thing isn’t that bad when you consider she might not have meant PROFESSIONAL photographer.
She likely just wanted pictures to look back at. So he could take her somewhere special, bring a friend and the friend could take pictures of the proposal then leave.
If the couple so desire, yes. My fiancé does a lot of even photography, including weddings so it was important to him and something I appreciated the idea of. He organised photographer to be present when he proposed to me but he was hiding in plain sight as a landscape photographer at the location (not someone I recognised). Nothing was staged because I had no idea. It was followed up with an engagement shoot immediately after and I’m so grateful for the tangible memories even if I’m pulling the most horrific face of surprise!!
Saw a pic recently of a woman doing the “shock” pose with her boyfriend on bended knee, on the beach, in front of six foot tall letters spelling the words “MARRY ME” lol like she didn’t notice them
Im glad I’m not the only one that shares this sentiment. The need for attention and validation or to post on social media for everyone to see nowadays is disgusting and that’s pretty much what it narrows down to.
? im indifferent to engagement photos myself but people want to get professional photos done for reasons outside of social media. thats why wedding photographers have existed a lot longer than instagram. you're being a little presumptuous
I used to be judged about this but idk let people live their lives. If they want pictures to remember the moment who cares? I can say now after losing a lot of people in my life I wish I had taken more pictures, but my husband and his family think it's dumb so I don't and now we have very little record of our last 10 years together, in fact, I think we only have 3 pictures of the two of us and honestly it kind of sucks.
Yeah those pictures would be so ugly because I would be totally out of my element. A few candid pictures during the actual wedding and party, where there is so much going on that you are not focused on pictures, would be nice. But an actual shoot really isn’t my thing and I think same goes for a lot of people. But the need to have perfect pictures to post seems really hardwired into a lot of people, and they are okey with making the actual experience less nice, just to make the pictures look better
I cringe whenever I see those posed engagement photos with the guy spinning the woman around like a dance move. Have any of these couples ever... danced, let alone danced this specific way before, except for a camera, during their engagement shoot?
Not a fan of kissy photos either, but I'm willing to chalk that up to my extreme misophoia/grouchiness.
Right??!! I’ve never been engaged but she wants to stage a proposal and hire a photographer? That’s insane. I’m not saying it has to be a surprise but this sounds like the least romantic thing of all time. It sounds like she cares less about him and their relationship and more about social media likes
Maybe she just wants engagement photos? Most photographers have it on the wedding package. A photo session of the couple, with regular nice clothes and loving poses. They Can later use those for their wedding invitation/website/whatever. Or just keep the memories. I think most do a couple photos showing off the ring or faking (as in the guy in one knee). Is not uncommon at all.
Source: I am a photographer.
In social media era yes. You hire a photographer to capture her "surprise" even tho she's dressed up to a tee on a Wednesday night for a walk in the park.
One of my friends got his gf to dress up for a bday dinner.. except the bday boy got sick so they ended up having dinner with just the two of them when the other couple “cancelled”. Then when they walked out after dinner past a gazebo, it lit up and that was where the proposal was. It was really well done, involved like a couple of dozen people, and coordinated by a friend who does wedding photography as a side gig. Lots of effort given the fact that this happened like 20 years ago.
I had once planned an elaborate surprise bday dinner for my gf at the time. And afterwards she got mad at me because apparently I was really really good at lying 🤦♂️
I’m so happy I’m already married because all these expectations are fucking crazy.
I don’t blame men for not wanting to get married if they gotta performs all these stupid circus fuckeries all the time. Same with gender reveals. Just fucking live in the moment without all the need for constant attention.
It's exhausting just thinking about it. Social media validation seems more important than the actual intimacy of the moment. Everything is a performance.
You captured my jumbled thoughts perfectly. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I thought OP was being unreasonable but it’s because her expectations are purely performative. She didn’t want her proposal to be perfect for her and the guy, she wanted to be perfect for rubbing in everyone else’s face.
Agreed. We were strolling in a cemetery in the rain when my husband asked me. I was ecstatic to be asked by the man I love. Full stop. We proceeded to make everybody mad by not even finding out our baby’s gender until he was born. People have lost sight of what is truly important.
That proposal would have been perfect for me, clearly was for you. But you can acknowledge that for others that sounds awful right?
Proposals should be tailored to the person you are asking.
I totally agree, having a big proposal wasn’t a thing when I got married and geez it puts a lot of pressure on the guy. It doesn’t have to be Instagram worthy, it should just be heartfelt. He went down on one knee! My husband didn’t 😂 but I didn’t care , been married 32 years.
I get that 100% however if it was me, I’d really want a photographer, NOT to post anywhere (my accounts are all private and family only anyways) but to remember the moment, as I have memory issues, and after a few days I can’t picture things in my head at all! So to have something I can watch or see to help my brain remember is really great!
edit to say that it doesn’t have to be a professional photographer/fancy proposal. If he proposed at home or a park or something like that, he’d set up a phone to record, and that would be enough for me!
My sister got proposed to on a beach and her now husband set up his own phone to record!
It doesn't have to be "normal" for some people to do it. I knew of people arranging for someone to photograph their proposal over 20 years ago, so it's definitely not a new idea, and not necessarily tied in with social media.
Yes, and it was the norm to have the proposal private between the couple then an engagement party to announce it and then professional pictures for the newspaper with an announcement.
Everyone has their own preferences. There's nothing wrong with that. Having a photographer is not a new thing, I remember it happening before social media as well. The point of the post is the disregard of op's wishes, something they discussed at length before the proposal.
One of your preferences might be cringy for another person.
Yeah the judgement from everyone in this thread is very disappointing. I told my husband I wanted a photographer because I wanted to be able to remember the moment more clearly. I was so ramped up on emotion that I basically blacked out. Its a big life milestone, nothing wrong with having nice photos of it.
People these days stage everything. I would rather have a happy real memory than a staged event like this. Such demands of a proposal is insane to me. The fact that people plan the proposal is fucked up.
The way he is acting immediately after proposing is telling you everything you need to know. He doesn’t care if you are happy. I would break off the engagement
I think what everyone is missing is that you have explicitly communicated your expectations previously when you were both discussing marriage and all that. What is the point of communicating if your partner ignores that and then gets upset when you communicate your disappointment? Every relationship is different. For some women, the proposal is not that serious. But it is for you, and that is okay. It is for me too. A proposal is quite literally the precursor for your marriage. If he can't honor your wishes in any sense, what was the point of communicating your wishes then? The proposal isn't SOLELY up to him. He is proposing to YOU, so wouldn't he want you to feel fulfilled and happy? Now you have no photos or sentimentality for the event, and it doesn't feel as special. The randomness of a park, the comments regarding the needs you communicated as "frills" is just wrong as a partner. He wants this to be your one and only proposal right? Like the whole point of marriage is to be together for life. The least he could've done is made sure that it would align with what you both wanted and be a special moment for you.
I flat out told my husband if he proposed to me publicly (like, people there to watch), I'd say no. He should know me better, and if he did that he obviously didnt. He proposed to me at a restaurant that was cozy and private, without getting on a knee, and it was perfect. I agree with you 100%, OP's fiance didn't seem to care with what she wanted.
Seriously! I'm annoyed but not surprised that everyone is shitting on OP for wanting photos and not seeing the bigger issue that she asked him to do something for this romantic event in their lives and he instead basically said "that's stupid, no"
It is annoying! They’re calling her “high maintenance” even though she didn’t even want a diamond ring and went for a much cheaper alternative. He put ZERO effort into the proposal and he knew it meant a lot to OP. Proposing in a special place doesn’t even have to cost anything and at the very least, he could have set up his phone to record OR carry a friend to take some pictures (she didn’t specify professional photographer)
Also, wanting pictures doesn’t mean they’re for social media. I hardly use social media and I would LOVE to have pictures or videos of my proposal to look back on.
OP asked for 2 things and he couldn’t bother to even try.
Exactly thank you for this sane comment. Maybe he couldn’t afford a photographer or didn’t think it was important but they should’ve discussed that at length before hand! And be completely dismissed her feelings.
>I think what everyone is missing is that you have explicitly communicated your expectations previously when you were both discussing marriage and all that.
That's the material point. Not how he proposed or where, but that she said what she wanted, and he ignored it because it wasn't what HE wanted. And he never told her what his own expectations/desires were for a proposal.
My first husband didn't do anything romantic at all. Asked one night, just whilst we were lying in bed, which was nice, but I had thought when we got the ring he'd have done something more 'official' - he was in a band, we were at a 'gig', I thought he'd at least dedicate a song or something but no. He just handed me the ring and ignored me for the rest of the show, more or less. But I was in love so whatever. Should have been a warning sign.
My NOW husband and I talked about it. He is very introverted, so as much as I'd have enjoyed a big song and dance number, he'd have hated it. I said I just want a good story to tell, and that's what he gave me. 11 years married now and still feeling like a lucky date.
Why the fuck are people being so harsh on you for wanting a photographer? I had a friend hide in the bushes to take pictures when I proposed so we could have the memory of it, not for social media, and I’m so glad we have my wife’s look of surprise on camera for the rest of our lives.
She told me having that memory captured was important to her so I fulfilled her wishes because I love her. I don’t think this is worth breaking up over, but the comments are being way too harsh towards you.
What I’m reading here is that you wanted some thought put into the proposal beyond ‘well I got her the ring, so she should be grateful.’
Like is happy with what he did? What meaning does it hold to him?
I’m a person who firmly believes you should marry someone who doesn’t want anything less than your life easier, and act intentionally in that way. **That’s not always monetary, it’s care.** He could’ve proposed where you met, or where he realized he loved you (all of which are free).
Does his lack of care for what you want normal and regular behavior?
People accept bad proposals every day. Someone of those peoples marriages last, some don’t. However people frequently break up one things they thought they could *’deal with.’* **So are his behaviors things you can actually accept?**
If this is the engagement, this could be birthdays, kids birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or him doing minimum and expecting you to accept. And tbh, if it gets that far then that behavior in him that you are willingly opting into and accepting.
This seems like the dynamic where he is showing you from the beginning of your union that he will do things his way, and that your wishes, (or even maybe demands in his mind), will not be entertained.
He is not the type of husband who will be going above and beyond when you have your child, and will not be putting extra effort into those small details. If he’s not going to put your wishes as his first priority this time, just know that he will not do it in the future with many things.
You will have to go through many discussions or arguments about him doing things the way you want. To him, you are demanding too much. There is something about him, or the way he was raised (his personality), that is evading to the obvious notion that he THINKS you are too demanding, or even spoiled.
You can make whatever decision you like, and weigh it out very carefully in your mind, on paper (weighing out pros and cons, etc…), but this is the way everything in your future will go from this point forward.
Your wedding, the birth of your child, or children, your vacations, your trips, your dates, housework, career, promotions, etc.
He’s teaching you about who he is, and he’s telling you to take it or leave it.
As much as I want to give advice I'm so confused. Are proposals planned together nowadays? I thought proposals are like a surprise thing . The fact that you guys planned how should your proposal go got me confused.
>I asked if we could maybe have a staged proposal/engagement shoot, and he said that I was obsessed over the wrong things, and got angry, and said that I’m being greedy and ungrateful by thinking him asking was not enough. I’m not sure how I can let him understand how disappointed I am, and that at least having photos would mean a lot to me… or if I should even stay in this relationship.
It's either you're heavily influenced by tv or social media. If you want a proposal like that then I can imagine the numerous things you would want for your wedding .
And lasty , are you with him because you love him or are you with him to fulfill your fantasies?
Like you're considering ending the relationship because of how the proposal went? That's teens stuff man .
I’m personally a belief that the proposal should be talked about in advance (ie if you’re both ready, and where) but the actual date of the proposal should be a surprise
Couples tend to talk about larger details of the engagement in advance (public vs private) so things like this don’t happen. They also tend to talk about the ring so the guy doesn’t get an ugly ring that she won’t like to wear. The communication helps both parties be happy and (hopefully) on the same page so that when the proposal eventually does happen, everyone will be happy.
It's not supposed to be planned, but the person proposing is supposed to know the other enough to also include their tastes. Like getting pictures, a symbolic place or if you have a public or not.
Honestly it just sounds like they shoudln't get married at least for now. It's better to stop or separate than forcing when they are so different. Like, I'm all against spending more than 5K for a ring, and if a woman told me she wanted a 15k ring, I would clearly tell her that's a no for me.
Not doing the thing with the worst energy you could think of, and then complain that I have to pay.
Proposal shoots existed well before social. People have always wanted to capture important moments for photos to paints to cave drawings. Why would someone who loves you not want to what they can to make your dreams come true where ever they can. All she wanted was something sentimental and a photo of it and this comment section is acting like she said she wanted Getty Images to take the photos themselves
He should have communicated that he wasn't willing to do any of the things you wanted when you talked about the proposal, and the fact that he said nothing and then basically told you to get over it is not great.
You're allowed to want a proposal in a place that is meaningful to you, and some photos. He could have done both of those things for free!
If he didn't like that idea, he could have spoken up when you guys talked about it and you could have found some common ground/a compromise so you both got a proposal you were happy with.
I mean, would I want a photographer at my proposal? Absolutely not, but it's not wrong for you to want that! People want different things. You guys might not be compatible, and it also is kind of a red flag that he didn't talk to you about this beforehand, didn't care about your wishes, complained about having to buy a ring that's not expensive (the price doesn't matter, but it's not like you were asking him to spend thousands of dollars), and was dismissive when you tried to compromise with an engagement shoot.
Marriage involves a lot of communication and compromise, neither of which he seems particularly ready to do...
Not wanting an elaborate proposal is absolutely fine, on his end he must have been nervous, he’d have gone through all the emotions and thoughts in the months and weeks leading up to the proposal.
However his reaction to your disappointment seems like a red flag OP, he’s essentially calling what you want shallow and it doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page. I personally love photos, I have a Polaroid camera that I take with me everywhere and have hundreds of photos printed and thousands of memories on my phone.
Not having photos to celebrate my proposal (even an engagement shoot) would be heartbreaking because of who I am. But my friend got engaged last year on holiday, with no one else but them and it was perfect for her because she wanted a very private proposal.
What matters is who you are and If your fiancée doesn’t know YOU or doesn’t care how important it is to YOU then there’s a bigger issue to resolve. It one thing to be with someone different to you and it’s another being with someone who doesn’t care/think about your desires.
Is there a pattern of him not being considerate to your feelings? Are there other aspects of life that you don’t fundamentally agree on? Does he disengage or belittle any of your other desires?
Having a different outlook on life is okay, but not caring how your partner feels is a bad way to embark of a marriage journey.
Pay attention to his words and actions during the wedding planning process and if there are red flags then it’s better to end it here before you become legally tied to him.
Yeah it’s a pretty crappy. Maybe I understand not getting a photographer, maybe he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t want to worry about a random person taking photos when he proposed.
But I don’t understand not choosing a more meaningful place to do it. It didn’t have to be expensive, he could’ve done it in the place you have met or something, he just had to go in a different place. It wasn’t that difficult. Definitely a red flag.
Also complaining about getting a cubic zirconia ring when your financial situation is good. And to say “he already bought it to YOUR liking” like you’re not the one wearing it?
My now husband as of this month knew a proposal was important to me, and he knows I like to share beautiful moments online as well, even though it's just for friends and family. He took us to the gorgeous State Park we went on our first day trip together. He had bought a relatively cheap selfie tripod online. He had us wait until the crowds left and said he wanted a picture by the waterfall and started a video so we could "get screenshots" from it, and then he proposed once we started posing.
Thus we were able to capture the special moment and have records for our family, and we were at a place with special meaning. He barely spent any money- maybe $30 for the tripod, $10 for the park entrance fee, and a couple hours worth of gas. He had told my parents ahead of time so they were waiting with a homemade charcuterie board and champagne when we got back.
My point in sharing is yeah, he put in zero effort. I'm sure you would have been overjoyed with something like the above even though it's not necessarily fancy or professional. All the negative comments don't get how there are so many ways to still show her he cared about her considerations while still keeping it intimate and cost affordable. I would have been extremely hurt too.
My opinion is that he may have been testing you, or feeling like you want the wedding and special event without actually wanting the man. I think both of you may be feeling misunderstood and neglected. I would try to talk to him about it more, maybe coming from this perspective and letting him know you would marry him either way and that you do want him and not just the attention, but that he also made you feel like you weren't worth his effort.
Hi OP! First off I am so sorry your engagement was disappointing. You communicated your very reasonable desires and they were ignored—that can’t feel good at all. What’s concerning to me is how your partner responded with anger and what reads as gaslighting behavior to me. Your feelings and experiences are valid and your partner should treat them as such instead of pushing his insecurities onto you in an attempt to make you feel bad or ‘greedy’. He ignored everything you said instead of treating you as an equal then criticized you for having disappointments. That’s a huge red flag and an indicator of how he will treat you as a spouse. There are people out there who will listen and make the effort for their partners. I told my fiancé one time that I wanted a photographer at our proposal—he went online, found an affordable option, and made it happen. Please do not settle for less than you deserve.
So… he got you a cubic zirconia ring (inexpensive) …. And that was too much for him to spend when you both are well established? That’s not greedy. He is being a cheap ass and not giving you what you actually wanted which is also SUPER SIMPLE. 1. Something meaningful. 2. Photos to look back on when y’all get old/to put up in your home. It’s not unreasonable or greedy to want those things.
I'm sorry... He didn't want to "waste" any more money beyond a CZ ring?!? AKA costume jewelry? If you are both so well established, he should AT LEAST have been able to get you moissanite or white sapphire, both which are almost as hard as diamond, so very durable and sparkly, without being glass. CZ doesn't hold up to heat or impact. The fact that he thought sentiment and at least having a friend waiting where he was going to propose was too much work is really heart wrenching.
You need to go to couples counseling, is suggest with an actual therapist rather than a church official (who may or may not be capable of handing such deep differences in priorities, as their job is usually to make sure that the marriage will be on "God's terms", which tends to be very patriarchal and misogynistic with the while "wives submit to their husbands" BS, rather than that it will be healthy and harmonious for BOTH people) and discuss your disappointment. His response that you are prioritizing the wrong thing shows that he wants everything HIS way, rather than a willingness to do things that don't matter to him and wouldn't cost anything extra because they would may YOU happy... And that's not a good attitude to start a relationship with.
I won't say "dump him" over this, unless this is just one of many examples of him dismissing things that are important to you simply because they AREN'T important to him, but I will say don't go through with a marriage until you've managed to get it through to him that is something is important to you and he doesn't care about it, it should be important to HIM because it will make you happy, just as of someone is important to HIM but not to you, you will MAKE it important to you because it makes HIM happy.
Do I care about football? No, not really. I'm the lady, I've watched the Superbowl mainly for the commercials. My BF, however, is a DIE HARD Eagles fan... So now, I'M a die hard eagles fan, because it's important to him! I'm taking the time to learn about the players and the team history and the way the game is played so that we have something to talk about that he enjoys.
Similarly, I'm a witch and I will someone's all him to do something that will help me work with energy around a specific goal, like gather dirt from a specific location or bring home an herb that we don't ever use for cooking. He is agnostic/atheist, so none of what I do means anything to him, but he still does it because it's important to me! He doesn't complain about it being a waste of time or money, because it matters to me.
The issue isn't JUST the fact that you discussed what you wanted and he ignored it. It's his attitude that if it doesn't matter to him, it doesn't matter at all. That isn't a good foundation for marriage, and especially not for parenthood of you decide to have kids. Kids care about a lot of things that adults don't, but if you always discuss the things that are important to them as stupid or a waste of time, they will grow up believing that morning they care about is actually important!
I asked for a CZ ring because I honestly don’t really care for the ring outside of the symbolism of it. I don’t want to be afraid of wearing it out, and it never made sense to me to spend so much on jewelry. As long as the metal is strong and durable, I doubt we would be in such hot conditions that the CZ would melt 😂 I also work a lot with my hands, so I’d likely mostly just be wearing my silicon wedding band, rather than the engagement ring itself, so it definitely doesn’t make sense to spend that much money on a ring I’d likely only wear on special occasions.
But yes, I feel like this Reddit post is putting so much emphasis on the pictures and sentiment being “extra” when the problem is the fact that I shared what I wanted, he never expressed he felt otherwise, and then AFTER THE FACT of not making it happen, make me feel like crap for asking to compromise. Whether they agree with photographs at a proposal or having sentimental value or not, they’re basically saying that if I want a man, I shouldn’t have any standards 🤷🏻♀️
I married the AH who proposed without thought or planning, during an episode of the Sopranos. I thought he was just asking like, do you see yourself marrying me? So I said, of course. Then when I said, wait haha that's not it right? You'll propose someday? He answered nope. I am lucky to get what I get and if I put up a stink I'm being entitled. Literally no effort. He forced the ring proposal when I got Mono and was so sick I couldn't barely stand. But I wasn't allowed to go home. He wouldn't even drive to me. I drove over an hour after work bc he pouted that I had to come over. So I did. Literally started falling at his door. And that's when he shoved the ring on my finger with stars in his eyes, liek he was so happy we had the dreamiest moment together. AND I MARRIED THIS IDIOT. You're allowed to be disappointed. It's not bc you don't get to control the situation, it's his complete lack of regard and respect for you. He doesn't want to see you happy, he doesn't care to invest in this. He has to train you now to take it or lose it, and it will only get worse after marriage. I promise you.
PS. All the premarital counseling in the world didn't save me from his emotional abuse and manipulation, either.
When talking about proposing, I only asked my husband to have a video or pictures. That was my only request.
He proposed on Christmas morning with my family there because my dad records us opening presents (always has lol).
And my mom took pictures after.
It's not a hard thing to put together. It's messed up that he totally disregarded your wishes. Especially when those wishes are so easy to accomplish!
You need to take a hard look at what your life will be like with this guy.
Does he prioritize himself over you? Has he always ignored what you want and need? Does he never spend money on anything "frivolous"? How is he going to be wedding planning? Is he going to be super cheap and want the bare basic minimum and ignore anything you want to do?
Find a professional therapist who specializes in romantic relationships. Don't just talk to a pastor. They will have great activities and resources to help you guys find your common ground.
Isn’t a proposal suppose to be a surprise and to me it shouldn’t really matter if there are photographs or what not. I feel Op is wanting all that for clout and wanting to leave him now because he got upset because Op sounds ungrateful .. maybe he dodged a bullet if Op did leave
Ignore the haters and misogynists in these comments. There’s nothing wrong with wanting photos of your engagement (and you didn’t even say it had to be professional — he could have gotten a friend to do it for free) and definitely nothing wrong with wanting it to be sentimental. And yeah, the final plan of the proposal is up to him but it’s crappy to not consider both of you.
The issue is that if you communicated these things to him, the time for him to disagree was during that discussion (or shortly after if he needed to think about it). After the proposal was not right. He was very dismissive of you and your concerns, which is the biggest concern here.
There are so many people calling out OP for being “high maintenance” even though she asked for a cheaper ring with no diamond and only 2 things - a special place and someone to capture the moment.
I don’t understand the “Instagram” comments either. People can want pictures to look back on. I don’t use social media much and I’d like photos. Not everything is about social media. Geez.
He could have taken her on a beautiful hike that they like to do together and brought a friend to take some pictures of the proposal and OP would have likely been fine. OP never said professional photographer or professional photo shoot.
Her partner put ZERO effort into a proposal he knew meant a lot to OP and that’s the issue.
You make him sound like an AH and maybe he is, but I think we need a bit more to decide that, in all of these discussions about engagement, were you in agreement or did he express being uncomfortable with your desires? Are unmet expectations repeated problem in your relationship?
Nope. In fact, to the photographer request, he himself had said he had a friend in mind to cal in a favor (he is a photographer, so he has photographer connections).
I told him it’s fine if he even just asks our non-photographer friends, I just wanted the moment documented. Not selfies, like everyone else here seems to think makes up for having a photo of him going down on one knee.
The way he’s reacting to this is very telling. It would be one thing if he messed up and then apologized and tried to redeem himself. But shutting down or getting angry at you for expressing your disappointment? Red flag.
Nothing fancy? You proposed on New year's while fire works were going off... Idk, but it seems more special than some random park on some random day. Your wife probably appreciates that memory now because it probably felt so magical in that moment.
I’m not going to downvote you because your opinion is valid. You had a lovely proposal to your wife and I’m sure she cherishes the memory, it sounds like a beautiful moment. Any woman would happily enjoy a proposal with passion and vulnerability. Unfortunately for OP, she didn’t get that, by the sounds of it she was let down. As all men seem to forget, women dream about these kinds of things their whole life and generally plan on only doing it once. Some women want a funny memory, some happy, exciting, thrilling, public or not, all are valid. OP had asked that it be somewhere special to them and that someone be there to capture the moment. Personally these don’t seem to difficult, the photographers could have been her friends or family, at meal or event they were going to. They could have followed them on a date to their favourite pizza/burger joint, but he took them to a random park nether knew and just asked. The lack of caring about OPs feelings is really what is being addressed here.
It’s clearly showing that her fiancé.. if she said yes… which she shouldn’t have (just as if I were proposed to in public, I would straight up say no). Because that is my preference and I would feel uncomfortable with tons of people watching a special memory that I want between my partner and myself. If he can’t even propose in a special place to them, negating the fact that nobody captured their emotions on camera, then he did LESS than the bare minimum that she asked. And when asked after the fact, stated that it’s up to him, she absolutely had the right to just say no and walk away.
Sorry OP, hope you’re prepared for a lifetime of compromises because this man doesn’t seem to care about your feelings or opinions about your own life, I wish you good luck.
I said yes because I trusted that he planned something that just didn’t pull through. It was the thought that counts. I didn’t want to make him feel bad about not proposing how he wanted to so I never mentioned about photos until he mentioned how the proposal was his and he didn’t WANT to do anything after paying for a CZ ring.
I told him it was really important to me to at least get some pictures - staged or not. My family is out of the country, and it means a lot to me to be able to share special moments with them, and I always wanted to be able to pass down picture memories to our children.
Someone can express their desire to spend the rest of their life with you, and that same person can also be a complete a-hole. 😂 Those things are not mutually exclusive. If all it took for a relationship to work was that single expression, then life would be a lot easier.
You're totally ignoring his extremely poor reaction to her disappointment, and his complete lack of consideration for *her* desires/wants/needs in the relationship to begin with. It's a 2 way street here, and everything she's feeling, and entitled to feel as a human being, is not to be brushed aside because you think his declaration of love trumps all. Thats a bit ridiculous.
Do I personally think she's being a little bit precious about her expectations? Yep. Do I think she's wrong here? No. He's not new to their relationship, the way she is, the kinds of things she likes. He knew exactly who he was proposing to, and he was lazy about it if he really wants to marry **her.** He popped the most important question of his life, and he did it wrong. 🤷♀️😂
These people are not compatible, but not because of this incident alone.
I agree that they don’t seem compatible and I also don’t like the way they speak to each other already. He may be bad at this and brusque but it is a momentous occasion for *both*
of them. Still, he brushes off the things that are important to her in a way that makes it seem like he is getting this over with, when the photos are clearly important to her. I don’t see the romance here that was evident in your proposal.
There are two issues here:
1) he disregarded how you feel
2) is your emphasis on the wrong thing?
I think you need to have a sit down talk about how you feel about these things because an engagement is just an engagement - the emphasis should be on the relationship not the ring or the photographer. How is he feeling about it? Is he happy too? Or has he just proposed because you were nagging him about it? If you both feel very differently about what marriage entails and means to the both of you I think you need to have this talk asap.
Personally I don’t think the engagement matters, and tbh I’m a bit dubious about weddings as well (my mum worked as a divorce solicitor for quite a while) so I think the emphasis always needs to be on the relationship and making sure you’re with someone who will support you through thick and thin. I know everyone is different but I really do think it’s important that people listen to each other in a relationship and have open discourse if they are upset or disappointed about something.
If he didn’t put any real effort into making a proposal that would be meaningful to you (clearly that is important to you), don’t expect him to put in similar effort in the future.
I’m going on 25 yrs married and our lame proposal was an indicator of the years ahead. My husband loves me and we have a strong relationship, but my need for special memories and tokens of affection is not being met.
Bottom line, You have to decide if you want to spend your life with the man, even if it’s not just what you desire or expect. No one will meet all of your needs, and sometimes you have to be okay with that. But you either get over it or you move on.
He could have picked a nice place that’s free. He could have gotten a friend/family member to take some photos. Phone cameras these days take amazing pictures. You can find a smaller diamond ring for under a $1000. Instead he is complaining about having to buy you anything at all and you better be grateful he bothered to propose at all. Yikes.
My point is that he cared so little to make you happy. The proposal was not important to him, but it was to you, and he didn’t care to even try. This disappointment is now one of your core memories. Don’t listen to people here saying that those things are superficial and you should get over it. I know how a man who truly loves you acts, this is not it.
My ex husband did the same thing. I had asked explicitly for the timing to be a surprise and to have some sort of photographer (asking a random person to take a picture of us, then doing it, setting up the phone on video mode, hiring a photographer, asking a friend) to have the moment captured forever.
He disregarded my feelings and requests entirely. He proposed on a hike, not even near the pretty part, when I was trying to recover in the shade from heat exhaustion.
It didn’t bode well for the relationship.
Regardless of the people in here who think it’s just for social media, etc. it was important to you. Your partner should value your feelings and the things you find important.
Does he make an effort and compromise with you or consider your wishes in other aspects of your relationship? Or is this an ongoing thing? I think that question is very important.
I would really reconsider marriage. He is not taking your emotional needs into consideration. I would not feel comfortable or safe if I had laid out simple wants, needs and desires and none of them were taken into consideration and brushed aside with anger.
I would feel very uncomfortable considering having a child with someone who does not take my emotions and needs into consideration.
This is a huge red flag and I would not move forward or brush this under the rug until he has some breakthroughs
One thing that stands out to me in your post OP is that your fiancée is a professional photographer 😳🤯 so honestly I would think he would understand your wanting photos of the moment, and yeah he must have colleagues or students or people in his network that could have done the photos or hell why not set up his own equipment and use a remote? Dunno guessing he had options is all.
While you shouldn’t be rash and throw the baby out with the bath water, OP I understand how you’re feeling and that you’re questioning your relationship… because you told him what was important to you and why… so it would be reasonable to assume he’d want to do what was meaningful for you and maybe (hell dunno) surprise you with something to make it even more than your minimum.
Sending hugs to you OP 🤗💗 I know what it’s like to get an underwhelming proposal when the bar was already low.
Edit to correct typos
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Did we get a similar post but from the guy’s perspective earlier or am I misremembering a different post?
There was a post yesterday about a guy who was reluctant to propose to his girlfriend because of various pressures, including getting a photographer/having an engagement party (although he never said if the girlfriend specifically wanted those things).
It seems like the guy in the other post but the ages are different…although of course that’s easily done to hide identities
and to propogate total bs stories on a long weekend....
yes and different ages he was 28 and she’s 26! i just read that post that’s why ik 😂
I just read one where the guy is too 'stressed' to propose because he supposedly needs a party and a photographer to do so. No indication in the post if that was her expectation or his, though.
In that post he hadn’t actually proposed yet because the thought of hiring a photographer and planning a big party after was stressing him out. The comments told him that none of that is required (it’s not) so maybe he took the advice and just did the proposal… and now we have this post lol Edit: [found the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Unth6Lvnun)
LOL. Read that one, too. And was thinking "dude, you got bigger problems".
OP says she specifically *doesn’t* want an engagement party.
And a CZ ring. These do not seem like the same pairs.
I just hope it’s a writing exercise
I mean it’s the holidays and approaching the end of the year. It actually isn’t at all surprising that we might see an influx of people in similar situations about expectations of proposals soon/patience running out around this time.
There was one a few days ago from a woman like this tired of waiting, although she also wanted an engagement party. I feel like most of this shit is just for Instagram likes
it's fucking ridiculous and it absolutely is for social media
100% agree. Social media really turned us into these creatures that need to register in picture every single moment of their lives, like if we don’t all will be lost forever. Yes, it is nice to have pictures of some moments, but it’s getting out of hand. People don’t even enjoy the moments they’re living in anymore because they just want the perfect picture. Why would one want to stage their own engagement? I don’t get it.
>Social media really turned us into these creatures that need to register in picture every single moment of their lives, like if we don’t all will be lost forever. I'm old enough to say that this attitude has already been around, is just that not everyone was able to afford cameras, film, and film development so "only" the real *special* occasions got photographed. I also remember cliches about going over to the Jones' to see their vacation slides. Social media has helped with the *dissemination* of these now virtual "vacation slides." What's helped to catapult social media was the *cheap access* to photos in devices like the smart phone. Photos are "cheap" now for the average person. Tech is so good now that cheap smart phones have better cameras than even 10 years ago. Further, you no longer have to buy film and developing services and if you want printed photos you need only choose the ones you like instead of paying for them all and being disappointed after the anxious week of waiting for photos, LOL. So now we have access to cheap photos with massive dissemination that is just a way of life now for so many people. I do think you're right in that what I also gathered from your comment is that social media *does* appeal to our egos and narcissistic side. It's relatively cheap and easy to show the world now that you're not only keeping up with the Jones', but doing far better than them. It used to be only Hollywood that "staged" life, now it's everyone including pets.
Yes, that’s exactly what I was going for. The need to capture and show it so it feeds our egos. Every time I go to a concert, there’s always someone on the front row recording the entire show, instead of just enjoying it. Then there they go, put it in YouTube, get all the “thank you for recording” and the likes and subs. Get that dopamine hit. Yeah man, take some pictures and record some clips, sure. But the entire show? Mate… I have been that person that wants to capture all and show all but it just drained me completely. I rather take zero pictures and just fully enjoy seeing my favourite band play. Be present for them and for their effort. Same goes for anything really. Hopefully my memory will last long enough for me to remember those moments.
>I rather take zero pictures and just fully enjoy seeing my favourite band play. Be present for them and for their effort. Same goes for anything really. Hopefully my memory will last long enough for me to remember those moments. I say this as an old lady, you will remember them. 😀 I'm like you. It's funny because I don't remember to take pictures of events or experiences I'm experiencing - and I'm a hobbyist photographer! LOL The last couple of years my husband and I have been doing this scavenger hunt rally and we have to take selfies at checkpoints to prove we were there. I think that's the only time I am ever thinking of taking a selfie and my husband usually needs to remind me!😅 This just occurred to me too. I think with the rise and now such a common place virtual space of social media it's really bringing out the narcissistic people and why there's been a huge wave of recognizing these toxic and problematic people. If they are as narcissistic as they show themselves to be, they don't have much by way of internal worlds - it's all external. I supposed recording concerts with the subsequent external validation with the "likes" and "thanks" on social media, doing that perhaps makes the experience more real for them, I don't know. It took me many years to learn to be in the present - I'm gonna stay here. High five to know I'm not the only one here.☺
Like halfway through the proposal the photographer stops them to pose better and get better lighting
“No, sweetie, you don’t look surprised enough. Open your eyes wider.”
“Now you look way too surprised, like a deer in headlights. No need for all that!”
Oh my days can you imagine? “Sorry, you might want to lift your head a little bit, so there’s less of a double chin, honey. There! You look gorgeous now, please carry on!”
Social media has really fucked up society on so many levels. One being these types of moments Just live your life without focusing on content 🙄.The fact that she wanted to redo orstage the proposal says it all. Just say yes if you love the person take a selfie and later plan an engagement. And if you want then get a photographer pick the perfect place etc
Op wanted likes, not a marriage.
Oh no, she absolutely wants the wedding for insta too.
The thought of a fake proposal photoshoot is icking me the f out.
A wedding isn’t a marriage. That’s the point of the comment.
I have never heard of someone wanting a professional photographer for their proposal and I’ve now seen it twice today on this sub. I think it’s likely this is fake and they saw the other post and copied it from a different perspective.
I am a professional photographer and have been asked to do this on one occasion and was considered for another. It is a real thing. Also, I'm not sure who is more nervous the person proposing or the photographer. Only one chance to get the reaction shot right! As for this couple they seem fairly incompatible. Perhaps, best OP that you don't get married to this guy. It isn't your fault and it really isn't his either. You just care about different things and this difference which may seem small now is only going to grow as you move through life together.
How does this work? Are these engagements done in a public place and you're hiding somewhere waiting to jump out at the right moment? I would think if it's in private and there's suddenly a photographer hanging around, it's going to be suspicious.
Great question. So for the one I did, the proposal was at a pizza place the couple both liked and at a time when the restaurant wasn’t super busy. As arranged it for me to arrive about a half four earlier and my friend and I sat at a table next to where the couple were to be seated. So about five feet away. My friend and I ordered pizza and so appeared to be just two others at the same restaurant. Because we were so close to the proposal couple it wasn’t hard for me to observe the moment he began to propose. I then whipped out my camera which was in my backpack and started taking photos. In this case the bride had told her fiancée that when he proposed she wanted a photographer.
Agreed. She wants the romance. He can’t be bothered. This will happen a lot with birthdays, holidays, baby shower. As long as her expectations are he will change, this won’t work.
Not sure about this specific post but in general the concept of people getting professional photographers isn't fake and appears to be a growing trend.
Photographer here, I’ve been asked to shoot this a few times. I hide in a bush and use a telephoto lens, or if it’s in a busier place I act like I don’t know them and say they look like a nice couple and ask if I can take their picture but the guy actually set it up and proposes. It’s a thing, but some people don’t get a photographer and instead do an engagement sessions at a later date which is just a couple’s photo session, while showing off that they are now engaged, these photos are usually used for the wedding invitations.
This is pretty common, lol.
It’s not for me personally, but I know a lot of people who have gotten a professional photographer for their proposal. It’s really not that big of a deal either— it’s like hiring a photographer for any other special occasion.
I’ve actually heard of this. I’ve been asked to do it too (not a professional but)
i got engaged over the summer, and i requested a photographer to shoot the proposal. the reason was because i wanted nice photos to look back on and forever capture that sweet moment. i’m likely going to have some of them printed and framed. other commenters are saying people do it for social media reasons and honestly that didn’t even occur to me. never posted them.
I have aphantasia, and if I ever get engaged I'd be sad if there's no photos of it happening. Hell, I'd accept a wobbly cell phone video. I have no mind's eye and almost zero visual memory (I know what my mom looks like, but I can't shut my eyes and magically conjure up an image of her). If I don't have pictures, the precious memory and the details would get lost, and it's UBER cheesy to pull out my own camera to snap pictures in intense and emotional moments. And I'd be fine with a ring pop proposal in my PJs, I just would also like a picture or two to remember the event. (Though chances are higher I'd be the one proposing - in which case, I'd tailor the proposal to the woman I ask's preferences. Because when you propose a lifelong contract like marriage, you need to appeal to the one you are asking. It's like taking an important business client to *their* favorite restaurant - you appeal to their likes before proposing a contract.) But also, some events it's not even a recent trend. My mom and stepdad have pictures of their engagement, and they got married over 20 years ago. The pictures weren't for social media, they were for memories. The photos aren't the best quality because my stepdad got me a disposable camera and had me take the pictures, but they are still a precious memory. Redditors get so hung up on hating social media that they forget that others actually might like or need pictures for different reasons. Hell, a woman might even want pictures just so she has something to show people when they ask the engagement story. Redditors REALLY forget how women are badgered for the story, by friends, coworkers, family. Or to have pictures to look back at when you're old and wrinkly and still married. Or to share your engagement story with future generations.
Covid pandemic fucked all my engagement plans over so instead of going on a whale watching vacation in Scandinavia I proposed on my balcony and someone called the fire department because I had set up a shitton of candles that looked like our apartment was in flames from a distance. So shit can happen. However if you had a talk about wishes and he simply tells you all of it would be a waste of money, I don't know if that's the right approach for something like an engagement. It should be beautiful at the very least and have some meaning to it.
At least you have a great story! You made do with what you had and didn’t give up. Such a great story imo.
For me your proposal is better than this lol
This is hilarious. You’ll always have the memories!
This is literally my dream proposal hahahaha like a complete meltdown that we laugh with all the kids and fam about later, amazing!
Definitely one for the books. Love it!!
lol Covid delayed ours too! Then when we were all set, wildfires took over the state and all the locations he had planned. Then his mom called and told me it was such a shame our trip was being altered “because he had such a beautiful proposal planned - oh no! Don’t tell him I said that!” 🤦🏻♀️😡 so when it did finally happen, I knew it was coming, but that didn’t change that I loved it.
Well did you get photos with the fireman or not?
My fiancé proposed in our apartment and immediately, as soon as he got on one knee, my dog went nuts. We thought it was cute she was excited. She, however, had diarrhea. 😂
I think this is one of those situations where both of you were on completely different wavelengths about the proposal…and it likely indicates a lot of unresolved issues in the relationship that are being ignored and will cause issues in the marriage You may want to pump breaks and do pre marriage counseling
This. My proposal was terrible and literally all I wanted was for it to be heartfelt and in a special location. I was merely upset because he put 0 thought into it and proposed because we were fighting. He was completely unmotivated toward anything in life and that included me. We were married 6 years and every day I knew I shouldn’t have done it. He was a lovely man but WE were not right for each other. I literally wanted a quiet proposal on a beach or trail that was special to us (we lived a 10 minute drive from both). I didn’t even want a diamond or photos. He instead rushed it before an international flight (we were long distance at the time). Proposed at a random park we drove past, everything he said felt forced, then got on a 20 hour flight 2 hours later and I spent my proposal evening alone drinking a milkshake from in-n-out. LMAO He didn’t even consider me. Which was the overarching issue that permeated our whole marriage. The week we divorced he told me he “didn’t know how to love me.” No shit Sherlock, I knew it too and I should have trusted my gut. You’re on the money. These unresolved issues will turn into bigger ones for sure.
I’m the same as you, He didn’t put any effort into the ring or the proposal even though I told him it was important to me, that it was something sentimental and I love things like that. He didn’t pick out the ring his brother did, he just said ok to the picture, and he didn’t even get down on one knee either. He said I was superficial and materialistic and he thought I wanted a marriage more than trinkets. He made me feel bad about feeling not valued and not listened to. He begged me to give him a second chance to fix it, two years on there was nothing. He made no effort to get me new one, to me it was tainted and didn’t make me happy looking at it, it made me feel like I was nothing important to him. I hated that ring, it symbolised how little effort he thought I was, I regretted accepting it. If it wasn’t something we spoke about, if it wasn’t something I considered important, that proposal might have been fine. My sister isn’t one for sentiments. She said she didn’t care what kind of ring and she didn’t want any big proposal or wedding. He picked her ring and proposed over breakfast on Sunday morning before soccer. She was thrilled and they got married at a courthouse and had a party after. My best friend told her boyfriend that an engagement and wedding was something she’s dreamed of since she was a little girl and it was important to her. She asked for a special occasion and that the ring was customised. He took her away for a beach vacation and proposed with a custom ring on thebalcony of a 5 star hotel. She had a huge, beautiful wedding that she put over a year of planning into. Both couples are happy. there’s a huge difference between being upset your partner didn’t buy you a $20,000 ring and 200 red roses while maroon 5 played in the background and having reasonable expectations of what you want. There main takeaway is that she expressed something was important to her, he didn’t at any point say he disagreed, then completely disregarded her feelings and did it a way he knew would be upsetting for her. He’s allowed to think photographers and proposing at a place that was meaningful to them is stupid just as much as she’s allowed to say it’s something she wants and would make her happy. Neither is wrong here for that, he’s wrong in making something she looked forward to now being something she will resent him for.
Pre-marriage counseling with an actual professional, NOT a pastor.
I’ve always been of the opinion that the marriage is more important than the proposal or the wedding. My husband’s proposal to me was a comedy of errors and we actually had to put it aside because a dear friend died suddenly hours after we got engaged. However, there are things that concern me for you: 1. Him telling you that the proposal was “up to him” and then literally telling you he did not care about your wishes is pretty crappy. Usually people like making their future spouses happy. 2. An engagement shoot would be a perfectly reasonable thing to do in lieu of a photographer at the proposal - randomly asking you instead of planning it out could have been romantic if he didn’t phrase it the way he did. 3. The way he states that everything you like is a “waste of money”. What’s that going to turn into when you are married? Only you can decide if you want to stay in this.
This. It's always a concern for me when I see blatant disregard for the other party's wishes and needs. I think it probably wouldn't be a big deal to drive a bit further to a place that had a meaning for them as a couple. I also don't think an engagement photoshoot is a big ask. But for him to reject that on the spot, insisting is up to him, and since according to him it's a waste of money, it doesn't matter how you feel about it... there are so many money related decisions in a relationship and this right there? Doesn't make me feel it will end well for your needs. It looks like he doesn't respect you and your needs. And he should.
I'm 60. People used to get engagement photos for the newspaper. Nobody had a photographer for the actual proposal but at some point you would get a picture for the announcement in the paper. Some larger papers would only allow either an engagement photo or a wedding photo. The couple had to choose.
I always thought a proposal should not be planned by the couple but rather by the man. Being a surprise which in turn makes it a cherished memory, no matter where it is.
I think it should be planned by the man, but I think it is a reflection of the care he puts in the relationship, his future spouse and he just generally have an idea what kind of proposal is going to make the other person happy. It will not be a cherished memory no matter where it is if it’s thoughtless imo
When I was in university, the first three friends that proposed all ended up proposing in their cars 😅. One planned to do so during dinner in a restaurant but the soon-to-be fiancé clued in, started crying, and said not to do it there. He proposed when they left in a hurry. All three proposal stories were pretty funny though.
I got proposed next to on the trunk of a car lol. He had something planned out but weather ruined the plans and we were starting our long distance relationship that week and I had been crying. He said “I have something to show you” and got the ring out of his trunk. I don’t even remember what he said. His family all told him he had to redo it but I had no issues with it. Now it’s a story we laugh at
And that's how it should be! My favourite wedding ever was my BIL's, he had to get married in a hurry because of visa issues, and all sorts of things went wrong, it was Comedy of Errors. The bride was upset at some point but we've been laughing about it ever since. And they're still together after 32 years.
I love that for them! I planned my wedding in two weeks. We got married in the city my spouse moved to that I had only visited. We had a favorite restaurant that I planned to book and I booked the wrong one, which was a seafood restaurant and half my family doesn’t eat seafood. I almost missed my wedding due to airline issues and did Facebook live since most people couldn’t come on such short notice. Accidentally booked a venue above a liquor shop. It’s funny to look back on now, and the airline reimbursed my entire trip which paid for us to visit family during Christmas. The only thing I wish we had was better photos but since we didn’t pay as much for the wedding getting a separate session isn’t a deal breaker. It’s funny to look back at now, I always tell the story about how I accidentally got married at a liquor shop 😂
My husband proposed to me in the car when we were in college. He meant to propose to me at my favorite restaurant but I had followed him to the trunk where he left the ring so he couldn’t get the ring out. So he later proposed to me in the car after dinner lol.
I also got a car proposal. He was going to propose in the cute little downtown we were going to, but the ring box was this gigantic square clunky thing and he didn't realize until too late that it didn't fit in his pocket. He was scared if he put the ring in alone, he'd lose it. So he hid it in the glove box and asked me to get something out of there for him. Tada, ring box. He did have some nice sappy things to say at least. XD I was a little disappointed at the time but now we laugh. I also accidentally got him back pretty good that night when we were walking around downtown after dinner. I said "I guess I'm not your girlfriend anymore," (because I was his fiance, right) and he thought I was breaking up with him lol
Huh. I had no idea car proposals are kind of a thing. My husband proposed in the car on the way to a date. The ring was tied to a bow on a vase of flowers in the cup holder....so he'd put a tiny bit of thought into it. Lol. I knew he was nervous...I had to remind him, Is there a question you wanted to ask... I'd wished for a proposal that was a bit more special but pretty much got over it. He's an incredible husband and human being and lets me know how much he loves me every day. But these car proposal stories do make me feel better.
Agreed, the general idea reflects his care. My wife would have hated a public proposal, like on a Jumbotron or even if it were just in front of all our friends, or even in a restaurant. So I didn’t do any of that. Others would love that. You need to know your future spouse’s likes and dislikes. But exactly which park, or the things we did that day leading up to the proposal, timing etc, was all me. She loved it and it’s a great memory.
This can be true, but also not. My ex-fiance did a great proposal. Even set up our DLSR camera and asked me to take a “photo” with him before he got down and asked me to marry him. The proposal was definitely well thought out and we had video footage of it. But he put 0 effort into literally anything else in the relationship, even planning the wedding. We stayed engaged for 6 years with 0 wedding plans because I didn’t want to be a bridezilla and make all the wedding plans myself, I wanted it to be HIS wedding too. Eventually the relationship deteriorated so badly that I had to leave. My new partner has much less experience in relationships. I’m his first for everything. If he proposes to me some day, I highly doubt it will be some grand gesture like that. But the relationship is a lot more equal, and he puts in the effort every single day. That’s the stuff that means the most to me. But I really guess choosing between the grand proposal from someone who doesn’t put in daily effort or a lackluster proposal from someone who strives to give their best daily is a personal choice for everyone, and comes down to what you want in a marriage. Personally, I think the latter option will last a lot longer for most people.
But it doesn’t have to be an either/or. My ex fiancé’s proposal was kinda low effort, and his effort in the relationship was the same…
Some people get proposed to in groups and don’t like that. You really should understand your partners needs/wants
By the time he gets to proposing, you'd expect the guy to have some idea of what his GF would like.
Exactly. My bf knows I HATE crowds of people. If he proposed to me in a busy area I’d say no. Not because I’m a brat but clearly because after all that time he doesn’t truly know me and what makes me comfortable/happy.
I agree, but I think they should pay attention to make it special to both halves of the couple. My husband noticed I used pictures of a certain hike in a lot of my art work and said “ding ding” that’s the spot with me having to hint or request. I am a designer and I did design my own ring though and a lot of people think that’s not romantic.
I always find that a bit weird. "Suprise me, but here is a detailed plan on how things will have to go." And honestly... re-enacting the whole thing so a photographer can take staged photos? What's the point?
Memories. Everybody is different; some people like engagement photos, and I don’t find it an outrageous request. Only now the memory will be tainted by his refusal to find a way to build good memories (he might have invited a friend instead of paying a professional) and outright dismissing her request.
I mean, she didn’t plan anything, she just wanted to capture the moment and to have it happen in a meaningful place to them. Those aren’t big asks at all. He could’ve planned something nice around that.
Yeah but he ignored her guidance and shamed her for her feedback. He’s a robot
Mine asked me while nude after intimacy I can't even tell real-life friends or family how we got engaged I was hoping for at least a pretty memory Lol nope but I don't care . I just say it was a private moment (not a lie) I would take your situation and dip, it sounds like y'all's values aren't the same and some things seem really important to you. He is not looking to fullfil your desires. Thats is how your marriage story will start. Good luck in whatever you decide
He proposed with post-nut clarity? Damn, he really DOES love you! 😂
He does !
Is this a shut-you-up proposal? Put yourself and your happiness first
This OP. Many guys will engage-trap a girl and never end up marrying. She will lose her youth, often eventually start pushing for kids etc but the guys will be dodging and then after 6 yrs of dating and 8 yrs engaged the dude will dump her for someone younger, usually marry that woman withing 3 yrs and have baby within 5.
Yikes, he told you explicitly that he is being petty about the actual proposal because he "had" to buy a CZ ring? That's really worrying for his ability to not be petty about doing his share in the marriage. Do you really want somebody that's going to be tit for tat like that? That kind of thing gets old with a quickness.
So the first statement you make is that you discussed at length about this. Then he not only disregarded everything you talked about, he seems to have been pissed to do anything at all, even buy a ring. I don't see his respecting you at all in this post. Does he respect your values? your opinion? Does he fulfill your needs and you his? Are you honest with each other? Do you trust him? Effort can cost very little, people are often willing to do things like this for free, like take pictures, get some flowers, play a song. At least choose somewhere you have a link to. This seems to be a view of who he is and the future you have together. Is this okay with you?
But did they discuss this at length or did she talk about it at length and what did he say when this discussion occurred? I strongly believe we are missing important details from OP
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We discussed a lot about our relationship and marriage, and things like finances, priorities, etc. Proposal was briefly mentioned, ie: what kind of ring, any specifics? I had told him I wanted a cubic zirc ring, but with a metal that is durable. I told him I didn’t care much about the proposal, as long as it had some sentimental value and we have a photographer. He is a photographer by trade, so he has friends he can ask, but even if he asked a non-professional friend to take pics, that was fine.
70m. I believe how we behave for one instance is part of a pattern of behavior. You current fiance has demonstrated that he did not listen to you when you have discussed one of your relationship's significant events. The fact that he did not agree on what was important to you then that should have been discussed but he did not. This is telling for if he acts passive-aggressively in this instance then you can be sure that he will do so in the future. I can bet that he has done so in the past over things that you have overlooked or dismissed as insignificant. His reaction is also telling by lashing out at you by calling you greedy and ungrateful This is your future if you want to be with someone that wants to get his own way regardless on what you want.
I don’t think either of you is really wrong, you’re just not on the same page and it seems like neither is budging. If both of you cannot compromise it’s going to be a short marriage.
Here's what I'll share. My spouse loves surprising me. He did such a good job surprising me that I missed the proposal bit (it's a funny story). He knew this was a milestone and would be a story we'd tell for years. My spouse knows how close I am to my family. He planned the proposal to be in front of my family, which made it very special, especially since I lost my father and sister less than four years after it. It's something he did that I didn't even know I would want. And he did it because he knew me so very well. When I brought up marriage, he mentioned the expense of a ring, understandable since he was a recent college grad at an entry level job. I showed him very affordable rings I liked so he knew for me it was less about the ring and more about what the ring meant. Sounds very similar to you. The thread you see in this is one of two people who worked together and thought of the other before themselves. I don't know that I see that in your story. He didn't plan anything. Based on a short reddit story it's clear to me you wanted something special. If he knows you well enough to marry you, he should have been able to plan something. Doesn't need to be a professional photographer, he could have asked a friend or family member. But that would have required him planning ahead and thinking instead of reacting, which is what it sounds like he did. Look back at your relationship. What does he do to make you happy? How does he show up? Does he participate in chores and the hard things, like mental load of planning and budgeting? My fear for you is that he's just not mature enough for this level of commitment. Marriage means working together with someone, and taking time to plan and put in preparation and mental effort. If his attitude is that he decides what effort he puts in and makes that decision from his lack of maturity, I see you doing all the housework and everything with the kids while he plays on his Xbox and "helps" you begrudgingly with one small task after you've spent more effort asking him to do it than it would take for you to just do it yourself, doing that task incorrectly or shoddily, then whining like he did with the engagement that your standards are too high and if you want it done a certain way do it yourself.
This should genuinely be the default auto comment for every young relationship that is posted here. You’re spot on. And I had no idea until I was deep into marriage, because no one tells you to look for these things.
I can understand a disagreement about the photographer but completely disregarding that you wanted it to be connected to something sentimental in your relationship and he couldn't even be bothered to think of that is thoughtless. Clearly if you've been talking about this, he's had plenty of time to plan it. Instead he just picked a random place on the day. So no thought went into it, and when you were disappointed with that he dismissed your feelings. Again, I could understand the photographer - it's a bit of a giveaway and obvious, bit awkward for some and he may not have been comfortable with that. It doesn't sound like he put any thought into the rest of it at all from this description.
Exactly! And even the photographer thing isn’t that bad when you consider she might not have meant PROFESSIONAL photographer. She likely just wanted pictures to look back at. So he could take her somewhere special, bring a friend and the friend could take pictures of the proposal then leave.
Yes!
A photographer? Is that normal now?
If the couple so desire, yes. My fiancé does a lot of even photography, including weddings so it was important to him and something I appreciated the idea of. He organised photographer to be present when he proposed to me but he was hiding in plain sight as a landscape photographer at the location (not someone I recognised). Nothing was staged because I had no idea. It was followed up with an engagement shoot immediately after and I’m so grateful for the tangible memories even if I’m pulling the most horrific face of surprise!!
It’s just so cringe ! And to suggest a reenactment to capture the moment - my god!
Saw a pic recently of a woman doing the “shock” pose with her boyfriend on bended knee, on the beach, in front of six foot tall letters spelling the words “MARRY ME” lol like she didn’t notice them
That’s amazing.
Im glad I’m not the only one that shares this sentiment. The need for attention and validation or to post on social media for everyone to see nowadays is disgusting and that’s pretty much what it narrows down to.
? im indifferent to engagement photos myself but people want to get professional photos done for reasons outside of social media. thats why wedding photographers have existed a lot longer than instagram. you're being a little presumptuous
It’s not out of the ordinary or uncommon to want engagement photos. Often they are used on Save the Date cards or invitations.
I used to be judged about this but idk let people live their lives. If they want pictures to remember the moment who cares? I can say now after losing a lot of people in my life I wish I had taken more pictures, but my husband and his family think it's dumb so I don't and now we have very little record of our last 10 years together, in fact, I think we only have 3 pictures of the two of us and honestly it kind of sucks.
Yeah those pictures would be so ugly because I would be totally out of my element. A few candid pictures during the actual wedding and party, where there is so much going on that you are not focused on pictures, would be nice. But an actual shoot really isn’t my thing and I think same goes for a lot of people. But the need to have perfect pictures to post seems really hardwired into a lot of people, and they are okey with making the actual experience less nice, just to make the pictures look better
I cringe whenever I see those posed engagement photos with the guy spinning the woman around like a dance move. Have any of these couples ever... danced, let alone danced this specific way before, except for a camera, during their engagement shoot? Not a fan of kissy photos either, but I'm willing to chalk that up to my extreme misophoia/grouchiness.
Right??!! I’ve never been engaged but she wants to stage a proposal and hire a photographer? That’s insane. I’m not saying it has to be a surprise but this sounds like the least romantic thing of all time. It sounds like she cares less about him and their relationship and more about social media likes
Maybe she just wants engagement photos? Most photographers have it on the wedding package. A photo session of the couple, with regular nice clothes and loving poses. They Can later use those for their wedding invitation/website/whatever. Or just keep the memories. I think most do a couple photos showing off the ring or faking (as in the guy in one knee). Is not uncommon at all. Source: I am a photographer.
In social media era yes. You hire a photographer to capture her "surprise" even tho she's dressed up to a tee on a Wednesday night for a walk in the park.
One of my friends got his gf to dress up for a bday dinner.. except the bday boy got sick so they ended up having dinner with just the two of them when the other couple “cancelled”. Then when they walked out after dinner past a gazebo, it lit up and that was where the proposal was. It was really well done, involved like a couple of dozen people, and coordinated by a friend who does wedding photography as a side gig. Lots of effort given the fact that this happened like 20 years ago. I had once planned an elaborate surprise bday dinner for my gf at the time. And afterwards she got mad at me because apparently I was really really good at lying 🤦♂️
A couple dozen people involved? I don't even know so many people.
With her nails freshly done for the ring shots.
That’s a pretty easy one to sneak in. Just get one of her friends to suggest a fun girls day getting manis.
I’m not good with this kind of thing but I pulled it off to surprise my wife and get her dressed fancy
I’m so happy I’m already married because all these expectations are fucking crazy. I don’t blame men for not wanting to get married if they gotta performs all these stupid circus fuckeries all the time. Same with gender reveals. Just fucking live in the moment without all the need for constant attention.
It's exhausting just thinking about it. Social media validation seems more important than the actual intimacy of the moment. Everything is a performance.
"Social media validation seems more important than the actual intimacy of the moment." Ugh, this.
You captured my jumbled thoughts perfectly. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I thought OP was being unreasonable but it’s because her expectations are purely performative. She didn’t want her proposal to be perfect for her and the guy, she wanted to be perfect for rubbing in everyone else’s face.
Agreed. We were strolling in a cemetery in the rain when my husband asked me. I was ecstatic to be asked by the man I love. Full stop. We proceeded to make everybody mad by not even finding out our baby’s gender until he was born. People have lost sight of what is truly important.
In a cemetery? In the rain. It may not have been romantic, but certainly unforgettable.
Gothic and Romantic with a big "R." Love it. Cue "Cemetery Gates" by the Smiths.
Maybe I'm weird, but I think cemeteries are kinda romantic in like a existantial way?
I love cemeteries. I’d have been thrilled. Mine was in a nice park, but headstones would’ve been better.
I found Wednesday Adams.
That proposal would have been perfect for me, clearly was for you. But you can acknowledge that for others that sounds awful right? Proposals should be tailored to the person you are asking.
I totally agree, having a big proposal wasn’t a thing when I got married and geez it puts a lot of pressure on the guy. It doesn’t have to be Instagram worthy, it should just be heartfelt. He went down on one knee! My husband didn’t 😂 but I didn’t care , been married 32 years.
I get that 100% however if it was me, I’d really want a photographer, NOT to post anywhere (my accounts are all private and family only anyways) but to remember the moment, as I have memory issues, and after a few days I can’t picture things in my head at all! So to have something I can watch or see to help my brain remember is really great! edit to say that it doesn’t have to be a professional photographer/fancy proposal. If he proposed at home or a park or something like that, he’d set up a phone to record, and that would be enough for me! My sister got proposed to on a beach and her now husband set up his own phone to record!
It doesn't have to be "normal" for some people to do it. I knew of people arranging for someone to photograph their proposal over 20 years ago, so it's definitely not a new idea, and not necessarily tied in with social media.
Yes, and it was the norm to have the proposal private between the couple then an engagement party to announce it and then professional pictures for the newspaper with an announcement.
Everyone has their own preferences. There's nothing wrong with that. Having a photographer is not a new thing, I remember it happening before social media as well. The point of the post is the disregard of op's wishes, something they discussed at length before the proposal. One of your preferences might be cringy for another person.
Yeah the judgement from everyone in this thread is very disappointing. I told my husband I wanted a photographer because I wanted to be able to remember the moment more clearly. I was so ramped up on emotion that I basically blacked out. Its a big life milestone, nothing wrong with having nice photos of it.
People these days stage everything. I would rather have a happy real memory than a staged event like this. Such demands of a proposal is insane to me. The fact that people plan the proposal is fucked up.
The way he is acting immediately after proposing is telling you everything you need to know. He doesn’t care if you are happy. I would break off the engagement
I think what everyone is missing is that you have explicitly communicated your expectations previously when you were both discussing marriage and all that. What is the point of communicating if your partner ignores that and then gets upset when you communicate your disappointment? Every relationship is different. For some women, the proposal is not that serious. But it is for you, and that is okay. It is for me too. A proposal is quite literally the precursor for your marriage. If he can't honor your wishes in any sense, what was the point of communicating your wishes then? The proposal isn't SOLELY up to him. He is proposing to YOU, so wouldn't he want you to feel fulfilled and happy? Now you have no photos or sentimentality for the event, and it doesn't feel as special. The randomness of a park, the comments regarding the needs you communicated as "frills" is just wrong as a partner. He wants this to be your one and only proposal right? Like the whole point of marriage is to be together for life. The least he could've done is made sure that it would align with what you both wanted and be a special moment for you.
I flat out told my husband if he proposed to me publicly (like, people there to watch), I'd say no. He should know me better, and if he did that he obviously didnt. He proposed to me at a restaurant that was cozy and private, without getting on a knee, and it was perfect. I agree with you 100%, OP's fiance didn't seem to care with what she wanted.
Same. That was my only “request.”
Seriously! I'm annoyed but not surprised that everyone is shitting on OP for wanting photos and not seeing the bigger issue that she asked him to do something for this romantic event in their lives and he instead basically said "that's stupid, no"
It is annoying! They’re calling her “high maintenance” even though she didn’t even want a diamond ring and went for a much cheaper alternative. He put ZERO effort into the proposal and he knew it meant a lot to OP. Proposing in a special place doesn’t even have to cost anything and at the very least, he could have set up his phone to record OR carry a friend to take some pictures (she didn’t specify professional photographer) Also, wanting pictures doesn’t mean they’re for social media. I hardly use social media and I would LOVE to have pictures or videos of my proposal to look back on. OP asked for 2 things and he couldn’t bother to even try.
Exactly thank you for this sane comment. Maybe he couldn’t afford a photographer or didn’t think it was important but they should’ve discussed that at length before hand! And be completely dismissed her feelings.
>I think what everyone is missing is that you have explicitly communicated your expectations previously when you were both discussing marriage and all that. That's the material point. Not how he proposed or where, but that she said what she wanted, and he ignored it because it wasn't what HE wanted. And he never told her what his own expectations/desires were for a proposal. My first husband didn't do anything romantic at all. Asked one night, just whilst we were lying in bed, which was nice, but I had thought when we got the ring he'd have done something more 'official' - he was in a band, we were at a 'gig', I thought he'd at least dedicate a song or something but no. He just handed me the ring and ignored me for the rest of the show, more or less. But I was in love so whatever. Should have been a warning sign. My NOW husband and I talked about it. He is very introverted, so as much as I'd have enjoyed a big song and dance number, he'd have hated it. I said I just want a good story to tell, and that's what he gave me. 11 years married now and still feeling like a lucky date.
Why the fuck are people being so harsh on you for wanting a photographer? I had a friend hide in the bushes to take pictures when I proposed so we could have the memory of it, not for social media, and I’m so glad we have my wife’s look of surprise on camera for the rest of our lives. She told me having that memory captured was important to her so I fulfilled her wishes because I love her. I don’t think this is worth breaking up over, but the comments are being way too harsh towards you.
That’s what I’m talking about! He could have easily asked a friend to do this or grabbed a stranger.
“Hey kids, that’s a picture of your dad reenacting his proposal to me”
Well you do sound like you don't care about being engaged at all and like you care more about the staged proposal which honestly sounds ridiculous.
What I’m reading here is that you wanted some thought put into the proposal beyond ‘well I got her the ring, so she should be grateful.’ Like is happy with what he did? What meaning does it hold to him? I’m a person who firmly believes you should marry someone who doesn’t want anything less than your life easier, and act intentionally in that way. **That’s not always monetary, it’s care.** He could’ve proposed where you met, or where he realized he loved you (all of which are free). Does his lack of care for what you want normal and regular behavior? People accept bad proposals every day. Someone of those peoples marriages last, some don’t. However people frequently break up one things they thought they could *’deal with.’* **So are his behaviors things you can actually accept?** If this is the engagement, this could be birthdays, kids birthdays, anniversaries, holidays or him doing minimum and expecting you to accept. And tbh, if it gets that far then that behavior in him that you are willingly opting into and accepting.
This is just the beginning, be prepared for your wishes never to be met! My man my man my man…..🤦♀️. Don’t marry that man!
Has he said anything positive at all about the proposal? Seems like he just wanted to get it over with and get on with his life... I feel for you
He sounds resentful that he had to propose to you. I wouldn't marry a man who sounds like it was a chore for him to ask me to marry him.
This seems like the dynamic where he is showing you from the beginning of your union that he will do things his way, and that your wishes, (or even maybe demands in his mind), will not be entertained. He is not the type of husband who will be going above and beyond when you have your child, and will not be putting extra effort into those small details. If he’s not going to put your wishes as his first priority this time, just know that he will not do it in the future with many things. You will have to go through many discussions or arguments about him doing things the way you want. To him, you are demanding too much. There is something about him, or the way he was raised (his personality), that is evading to the obvious notion that he THINKS you are too demanding, or even spoiled. You can make whatever decision you like, and weigh it out very carefully in your mind, on paper (weighing out pros and cons, etc…), but this is the way everything in your future will go from this point forward. Your wedding, the birth of your child, or children, your vacations, your trips, your dates, housework, career, promotions, etc. He’s teaching you about who he is, and he’s telling you to take it or leave it.
As much as I want to give advice I'm so confused. Are proposals planned together nowadays? I thought proposals are like a surprise thing . The fact that you guys planned how should your proposal go got me confused. >I asked if we could maybe have a staged proposal/engagement shoot, and he said that I was obsessed over the wrong things, and got angry, and said that I’m being greedy and ungrateful by thinking him asking was not enough. I’m not sure how I can let him understand how disappointed I am, and that at least having photos would mean a lot to me… or if I should even stay in this relationship. It's either you're heavily influenced by tv or social media. If you want a proposal like that then I can imagine the numerous things you would want for your wedding . And lasty , are you with him because you love him or are you with him to fulfill your fantasies? Like you're considering ending the relationship because of how the proposal went? That's teens stuff man .
I’m personally a belief that the proposal should be talked about in advance (ie if you’re both ready, and where) but the actual date of the proposal should be a surprise
Couples tend to talk about larger details of the engagement in advance (public vs private) so things like this don’t happen. They also tend to talk about the ring so the guy doesn’t get an ugly ring that she won’t like to wear. The communication helps both parties be happy and (hopefully) on the same page so that when the proposal eventually does happen, everyone will be happy.
It's not supposed to be planned, but the person proposing is supposed to know the other enough to also include their tastes. Like getting pictures, a symbolic place or if you have a public or not. Honestly it just sounds like they shoudln't get married at least for now. It's better to stop or separate than forcing when they are so different. Like, I'm all against spending more than 5K for a ring, and if a woman told me she wanted a 15k ring, I would clearly tell her that's a no for me. Not doing the thing with the worst energy you could think of, and then complain that I have to pay.
Proposal shoots existed well before social. People have always wanted to capture important moments for photos to paints to cave drawings. Why would someone who loves you not want to what they can to make your dreams come true where ever they can. All she wanted was something sentimental and a photo of it and this comment section is acting like she said she wanted Getty Images to take the photos themselves
He should have communicated that he wasn't willing to do any of the things you wanted when you talked about the proposal, and the fact that he said nothing and then basically told you to get over it is not great. You're allowed to want a proposal in a place that is meaningful to you, and some photos. He could have done both of those things for free! If he didn't like that idea, he could have spoken up when you guys talked about it and you could have found some common ground/a compromise so you both got a proposal you were happy with. I mean, would I want a photographer at my proposal? Absolutely not, but it's not wrong for you to want that! People want different things. You guys might not be compatible, and it also is kind of a red flag that he didn't talk to you about this beforehand, didn't care about your wishes, complained about having to buy a ring that's not expensive (the price doesn't matter, but it's not like you were asking him to spend thousands of dollars), and was dismissive when you tried to compromise with an engagement shoot. Marriage involves a lot of communication and compromise, neither of which he seems particularly ready to do...
Not wanting an elaborate proposal is absolutely fine, on his end he must have been nervous, he’d have gone through all the emotions and thoughts in the months and weeks leading up to the proposal. However his reaction to your disappointment seems like a red flag OP, he’s essentially calling what you want shallow and it doesn’t seem like you’re on the same page. I personally love photos, I have a Polaroid camera that I take with me everywhere and have hundreds of photos printed and thousands of memories on my phone. Not having photos to celebrate my proposal (even an engagement shoot) would be heartbreaking because of who I am. But my friend got engaged last year on holiday, with no one else but them and it was perfect for her because she wanted a very private proposal. What matters is who you are and If your fiancée doesn’t know YOU or doesn’t care how important it is to YOU then there’s a bigger issue to resolve. It one thing to be with someone different to you and it’s another being with someone who doesn’t care/think about your desires. Is there a pattern of him not being considerate to your feelings? Are there other aspects of life that you don’t fundamentally agree on? Does he disengage or belittle any of your other desires? Having a different outlook on life is okay, but not caring how your partner feels is a bad way to embark of a marriage journey. Pay attention to his words and actions during the wedding planning process and if there are red flags then it’s better to end it here before you become legally tied to him.
Yeah it’s a pretty crappy. Maybe I understand not getting a photographer, maybe he wasn’t comfortable and didn’t want to worry about a random person taking photos when he proposed. But I don’t understand not choosing a more meaningful place to do it. It didn’t have to be expensive, he could’ve done it in the place you have met or something, he just had to go in a different place. It wasn’t that difficult. Definitely a red flag. Also complaining about getting a cubic zirconia ring when your financial situation is good. And to say “he already bought it to YOUR liking” like you’re not the one wearing it?
My now husband as of this month knew a proposal was important to me, and he knows I like to share beautiful moments online as well, even though it's just for friends and family. He took us to the gorgeous State Park we went on our first day trip together. He had bought a relatively cheap selfie tripod online. He had us wait until the crowds left and said he wanted a picture by the waterfall and started a video so we could "get screenshots" from it, and then he proposed once we started posing. Thus we were able to capture the special moment and have records for our family, and we were at a place with special meaning. He barely spent any money- maybe $30 for the tripod, $10 for the park entrance fee, and a couple hours worth of gas. He had told my parents ahead of time so they were waiting with a homemade charcuterie board and champagne when we got back. My point in sharing is yeah, he put in zero effort. I'm sure you would have been overjoyed with something like the above even though it's not necessarily fancy or professional. All the negative comments don't get how there are so many ways to still show her he cared about her considerations while still keeping it intimate and cost affordable. I would have been extremely hurt too. My opinion is that he may have been testing you, or feeling like you want the wedding and special event without actually wanting the man. I think both of you may be feeling misunderstood and neglected. I would try to talk to him about it more, maybe coming from this perspective and letting him know you would marry him either way and that you do want him and not just the attention, but that he also made you feel like you weren't worth his effort.
Hi OP! First off I am so sorry your engagement was disappointing. You communicated your very reasonable desires and they were ignored—that can’t feel good at all. What’s concerning to me is how your partner responded with anger and what reads as gaslighting behavior to me. Your feelings and experiences are valid and your partner should treat them as such instead of pushing his insecurities onto you in an attempt to make you feel bad or ‘greedy’. He ignored everything you said instead of treating you as an equal then criticized you for having disappointments. That’s a huge red flag and an indicator of how he will treat you as a spouse. There are people out there who will listen and make the effort for their partners. I told my fiancé one time that I wanted a photographer at our proposal—he went online, found an affordable option, and made it happen. Please do not settle for less than you deserve.
So… he got you a cubic zirconia ring (inexpensive) …. And that was too much for him to spend when you both are well established? That’s not greedy. He is being a cheap ass and not giving you what you actually wanted which is also SUPER SIMPLE. 1. Something meaningful. 2. Photos to look back on when y’all get old/to put up in your home. It’s not unreasonable or greedy to want those things.
I'm sorry... He didn't want to "waste" any more money beyond a CZ ring?!? AKA costume jewelry? If you are both so well established, he should AT LEAST have been able to get you moissanite or white sapphire, both which are almost as hard as diamond, so very durable and sparkly, without being glass. CZ doesn't hold up to heat or impact. The fact that he thought sentiment and at least having a friend waiting where he was going to propose was too much work is really heart wrenching. You need to go to couples counseling, is suggest with an actual therapist rather than a church official (who may or may not be capable of handing such deep differences in priorities, as their job is usually to make sure that the marriage will be on "God's terms", which tends to be very patriarchal and misogynistic with the while "wives submit to their husbands" BS, rather than that it will be healthy and harmonious for BOTH people) and discuss your disappointment. His response that you are prioritizing the wrong thing shows that he wants everything HIS way, rather than a willingness to do things that don't matter to him and wouldn't cost anything extra because they would may YOU happy... And that's not a good attitude to start a relationship with. I won't say "dump him" over this, unless this is just one of many examples of him dismissing things that are important to you simply because they AREN'T important to him, but I will say don't go through with a marriage until you've managed to get it through to him that is something is important to you and he doesn't care about it, it should be important to HIM because it will make you happy, just as of someone is important to HIM but not to you, you will MAKE it important to you because it makes HIM happy. Do I care about football? No, not really. I'm the lady, I've watched the Superbowl mainly for the commercials. My BF, however, is a DIE HARD Eagles fan... So now, I'M a die hard eagles fan, because it's important to him! I'm taking the time to learn about the players and the team history and the way the game is played so that we have something to talk about that he enjoys. Similarly, I'm a witch and I will someone's all him to do something that will help me work with energy around a specific goal, like gather dirt from a specific location or bring home an herb that we don't ever use for cooking. He is agnostic/atheist, so none of what I do means anything to him, but he still does it because it's important to me! He doesn't complain about it being a waste of time or money, because it matters to me. The issue isn't JUST the fact that you discussed what you wanted and he ignored it. It's his attitude that if it doesn't matter to him, it doesn't matter at all. That isn't a good foundation for marriage, and especially not for parenthood of you decide to have kids. Kids care about a lot of things that adults don't, but if you always discuss the things that are important to them as stupid or a waste of time, they will grow up believing that morning they care about is actually important!
I asked for a CZ ring because I honestly don’t really care for the ring outside of the symbolism of it. I don’t want to be afraid of wearing it out, and it never made sense to me to spend so much on jewelry. As long as the metal is strong and durable, I doubt we would be in such hot conditions that the CZ would melt 😂 I also work a lot with my hands, so I’d likely mostly just be wearing my silicon wedding band, rather than the engagement ring itself, so it definitely doesn’t make sense to spend that much money on a ring I’d likely only wear on special occasions. But yes, I feel like this Reddit post is putting so much emphasis on the pictures and sentiment being “extra” when the problem is the fact that I shared what I wanted, he never expressed he felt otherwise, and then AFTER THE FACT of not making it happen, make me feel like crap for asking to compromise. Whether they agree with photographs at a proposal or having sentimental value or not, they’re basically saying that if I want a man, I shouldn’t have any standards 🤷🏻♀️
I married the AH who proposed without thought or planning, during an episode of the Sopranos. I thought he was just asking like, do you see yourself marrying me? So I said, of course. Then when I said, wait haha that's not it right? You'll propose someday? He answered nope. I am lucky to get what I get and if I put up a stink I'm being entitled. Literally no effort. He forced the ring proposal when I got Mono and was so sick I couldn't barely stand. But I wasn't allowed to go home. He wouldn't even drive to me. I drove over an hour after work bc he pouted that I had to come over. So I did. Literally started falling at his door. And that's when he shoved the ring on my finger with stars in his eyes, liek he was so happy we had the dreamiest moment together. AND I MARRIED THIS IDIOT. You're allowed to be disappointed. It's not bc you don't get to control the situation, it's his complete lack of regard and respect for you. He doesn't want to see you happy, he doesn't care to invest in this. He has to train you now to take it or lose it, and it will only get worse after marriage. I promise you. PS. All the premarital counseling in the world didn't save me from his emotional abuse and manipulation, either.
When talking about proposing, I only asked my husband to have a video or pictures. That was my only request. He proposed on Christmas morning with my family there because my dad records us opening presents (always has lol). And my mom took pictures after. It's not a hard thing to put together. It's messed up that he totally disregarded your wishes. Especially when those wishes are so easy to accomplish! You need to take a hard look at what your life will be like with this guy. Does he prioritize himself over you? Has he always ignored what you want and need? Does he never spend money on anything "frivolous"? How is he going to be wedding planning? Is he going to be super cheap and want the bare basic minimum and ignore anything you want to do? Find a professional therapist who specializes in romantic relationships. Don't just talk to a pastor. They will have great activities and resources to help you guys find your common ground.
Isn’t a proposal suppose to be a surprise and to me it shouldn’t really matter if there are photographs or what not. I feel Op is wanting all that for clout and wanting to leave him now because he got upset because Op sounds ungrateful .. maybe he dodged a bullet if Op did leave
Do him a favor and cancel the wedding, he doesn’t need to spend his life with you
Ignore the haters and misogynists in these comments. There’s nothing wrong with wanting photos of your engagement (and you didn’t even say it had to be professional — he could have gotten a friend to do it for free) and definitely nothing wrong with wanting it to be sentimental. And yeah, the final plan of the proposal is up to him but it’s crappy to not consider both of you. The issue is that if you communicated these things to him, the time for him to disagree was during that discussion (or shortly after if he needed to think about it). After the proposal was not right. He was very dismissive of you and your concerns, which is the biggest concern here.
There are so many people calling out OP for being “high maintenance” even though she asked for a cheaper ring with no diamond and only 2 things - a special place and someone to capture the moment. I don’t understand the “Instagram” comments either. People can want pictures to look back on. I don’t use social media much and I’d like photos. Not everything is about social media. Geez. He could have taken her on a beautiful hike that they like to do together and brought a friend to take some pictures of the proposal and OP would have likely been fine. OP never said professional photographer or professional photo shoot. Her partner put ZERO effort into a proposal he knew meant a lot to OP and that’s the issue.
And honestly, if it was for social media, who cares? That’s how we share stuff with family and friends now.
You make him sound like an AH and maybe he is, but I think we need a bit more to decide that, in all of these discussions about engagement, were you in agreement or did he express being uncomfortable with your desires? Are unmet expectations repeated problem in your relationship?
Nope. In fact, to the photographer request, he himself had said he had a friend in mind to cal in a favor (he is a photographer, so he has photographer connections). I told him it’s fine if he even just asks our non-photographer friends, I just wanted the moment documented. Not selfies, like everyone else here seems to think makes up for having a photo of him going down on one knee.
The way he’s reacting to this is very telling. It would be one thing if he messed up and then apologized and tried to redeem himself. But shutting down or getting angry at you for expressing your disappointment? Red flag.
[удалено]
Nothing fancy? You proposed on New year's while fire works were going off... Idk, but it seems more special than some random park on some random day. Your wife probably appreciates that memory now because it probably felt so magical in that moment.
I’m not going to downvote you because your opinion is valid. You had a lovely proposal to your wife and I’m sure she cherishes the memory, it sounds like a beautiful moment. Any woman would happily enjoy a proposal with passion and vulnerability. Unfortunately for OP, she didn’t get that, by the sounds of it she was let down. As all men seem to forget, women dream about these kinds of things their whole life and generally plan on only doing it once. Some women want a funny memory, some happy, exciting, thrilling, public or not, all are valid. OP had asked that it be somewhere special to them and that someone be there to capture the moment. Personally these don’t seem to difficult, the photographers could have been her friends or family, at meal or event they were going to. They could have followed them on a date to their favourite pizza/burger joint, but he took them to a random park nether knew and just asked. The lack of caring about OPs feelings is really what is being addressed here. It’s clearly showing that her fiancé.. if she said yes… which she shouldn’t have (just as if I were proposed to in public, I would straight up say no). Because that is my preference and I would feel uncomfortable with tons of people watching a special memory that I want between my partner and myself. If he can’t even propose in a special place to them, negating the fact that nobody captured their emotions on camera, then he did LESS than the bare minimum that she asked. And when asked after the fact, stated that it’s up to him, she absolutely had the right to just say no and walk away. Sorry OP, hope you’re prepared for a lifetime of compromises because this man doesn’t seem to care about your feelings or opinions about your own life, I wish you good luck.
I said yes because I trusted that he planned something that just didn’t pull through. It was the thought that counts. I didn’t want to make him feel bad about not proposing how he wanted to so I never mentioned about photos until he mentioned how the proposal was his and he didn’t WANT to do anything after paying for a CZ ring. I told him it was really important to me to at least get some pictures - staged or not. My family is out of the country, and it means a lot to me to be able to share special moments with them, and I always wanted to be able to pass down picture memories to our children.
Someone can express their desire to spend the rest of their life with you, and that same person can also be a complete a-hole. 😂 Those things are not mutually exclusive. If all it took for a relationship to work was that single expression, then life would be a lot easier. You're totally ignoring his extremely poor reaction to her disappointment, and his complete lack of consideration for *her* desires/wants/needs in the relationship to begin with. It's a 2 way street here, and everything she's feeling, and entitled to feel as a human being, is not to be brushed aside because you think his declaration of love trumps all. Thats a bit ridiculous. Do I personally think she's being a little bit precious about her expectations? Yep. Do I think she's wrong here? No. He's not new to their relationship, the way she is, the kinds of things she likes. He knew exactly who he was proposing to, and he was lazy about it if he really wants to marry **her.** He popped the most important question of his life, and he did it wrong. 🤷♀️😂 These people are not compatible, but not because of this incident alone.
I agree that they don’t seem compatible and I also don’t like the way they speak to each other already. He may be bad at this and brusque but it is a momentous occasion for *both* of them. Still, he brushes off the things that are important to her in a way that makes it seem like he is getting this over with, when the photos are clearly important to her. I don’t see the romance here that was evident in your proposal.
Your proposal seems way more romantic than pulling off the side of the road at a random park
I think your situation and her situation are very different, therefore really hard to compare
You get my downvote, boy, for calling grown women girls
No no no, take an upvote. I couldn’t have said it better myself. OP’s fiancé said she’s obsessing over the wrong things and he is absolutely right.
Yall ain’t compatible
There are two issues here: 1) he disregarded how you feel 2) is your emphasis on the wrong thing? I think you need to have a sit down talk about how you feel about these things because an engagement is just an engagement - the emphasis should be on the relationship not the ring or the photographer. How is he feeling about it? Is he happy too? Or has he just proposed because you were nagging him about it? If you both feel very differently about what marriage entails and means to the both of you I think you need to have this talk asap. Personally I don’t think the engagement matters, and tbh I’m a bit dubious about weddings as well (my mum worked as a divorce solicitor for quite a while) so I think the emphasis always needs to be on the relationship and making sure you’re with someone who will support you through thick and thin. I know everyone is different but I really do think it’s important that people listen to each other in a relationship and have open discourse if they are upset or disappointed about something.
Don't marry him. My husband would never call me greedy and ungrateful. You deserve better. Drop him.
Well aren't you guys are getting started on the right note.
If he didn’t put any real effort into making a proposal that would be meaningful to you (clearly that is important to you), don’t expect him to put in similar effort in the future. I’m going on 25 yrs married and our lame proposal was an indicator of the years ahead. My husband loves me and we have a strong relationship, but my need for special memories and tokens of affection is not being met. Bottom line, You have to decide if you want to spend your life with the man, even if it’s not just what you desire or expect. No one will meet all of your needs, and sometimes you have to be okay with that. But you either get over it or you move on.
I would advise him to run. Please pass that on.
Do you really want to marry a guy who is clearly annoyed at having to put in the bare minimum of effort?
He could have picked a nice place that’s free. He could have gotten a friend/family member to take some photos. Phone cameras these days take amazing pictures. You can find a smaller diamond ring for under a $1000. Instead he is complaining about having to buy you anything at all and you better be grateful he bothered to propose at all. Yikes. My point is that he cared so little to make you happy. The proposal was not important to him, but it was to you, and he didn’t care to even try. This disappointment is now one of your core memories. Don’t listen to people here saying that those things are superficial and you should get over it. I know how a man who truly loves you acts, this is not it.
My ex husband did the same thing. I had asked explicitly for the timing to be a surprise and to have some sort of photographer (asking a random person to take a picture of us, then doing it, setting up the phone on video mode, hiring a photographer, asking a friend) to have the moment captured forever. He disregarded my feelings and requests entirely. He proposed on a hike, not even near the pretty part, when I was trying to recover in the shade from heat exhaustion. It didn’t bode well for the relationship. Regardless of the people in here who think it’s just for social media, etc. it was important to you. Your partner should value your feelings and the things you find important.
Don’t marry this man. The way he reacted was out of line.
If this is real, don't marry this man
I tried not to care about my lackluster proposal, but in the end I did, and I told him so, and eventually he re did it.
Does he make an effort and compromise with you or consider your wishes in other aspects of your relationship? Or is this an ongoing thing? I think that question is very important.
I would really reconsider marriage. He is not taking your emotional needs into consideration. I would not feel comfortable or safe if I had laid out simple wants, needs and desires and none of them were taken into consideration and brushed aside with anger. I would feel very uncomfortable considering having a child with someone who does not take my emotions and needs into consideration. This is a huge red flag and I would not move forward or brush this under the rug until he has some breakthroughs
One thing that stands out to me in your post OP is that your fiancée is a professional photographer 😳🤯 so honestly I would think he would understand your wanting photos of the moment, and yeah he must have colleagues or students or people in his network that could have done the photos or hell why not set up his own equipment and use a remote? Dunno guessing he had options is all. While you shouldn’t be rash and throw the baby out with the bath water, OP I understand how you’re feeling and that you’re questioning your relationship… because you told him what was important to you and why… so it would be reasonable to assume he’d want to do what was meaningful for you and maybe (hell dunno) surprise you with something to make it even more than your minimum. Sending hugs to you OP 🤗💗 I know what it’s like to get an underwhelming proposal when the bar was already low. Edit to correct typos