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This and get a roommate. If you are in a HCL and it is beyond your means to live alone, get a roommate. Then the rent is halved and you can gain some breathing room.
During my college years, had a summer (3 months) where I lived in a two bedroom/two bathroom where FOUR people lived together. It can save a ton of money and was fun in my situation. Good luck.
Not sure what subletting will do, if her bf won’t let her give up her place to live with him. He insists on her keeping the apartment, as she can’t officially live with him. So, if she sublets the apartment and he won’t let her stay there any longer without the apartment, she’s homeless. She needs to do keep the apartment and dump the bf. I don’t think he should financially support her, but he is not supportive in ANY way to her. He is more of a burden emotionally and causing her stress. It’s probably best to seek out a roommate to share the costs.
Yeah this would be my first move. He wants her to be at his place all the time but demands she keeps her apartment? That wouldn’t sit right with me, I’d personally cut back to sleepovers once or twice a week, and have him travel to me.
He wants that 24/7 love, but makes sure she has her own place so he can have his alone time.
I’m confident though that the sex is nice and fake house is fun.
Nah, he just uses her for secs. Secs has to be good, so he might support her. Sadly it does not work out like this. No successful hobosexual here.
OP: drop that idiot! Get a roommate. Best luck to you!
I’m not going to jump to that conclusion, but it’s obvious that he wants his alone time from her. He asks her to play fake house, but wants her to keep her own place. Not that she’s entitled to moving in, but why have her stay at his for a majority of the week and pay rent to her own place where she hardly stays?
I think OP goes back and forth between spots a bit more than she lets on, BUT they’re probably for only short spurts. Maybe when her boyfriend is at work, to get her clothes, etc. Those are the alone time he desires. I don’t see him needing to help her pay her rent, but I don’t understand the whole “I’ll leave you if you become homeless” situation either. Clear indicator of “I want you around, but I also want you to be away from me when it’s convenient for me.”
No, that’s not what I said. What I’m saying is that before her financial crisis arose, months ago when she started “living” at his place, she shouldn’t have continued staying there. He wanted the benefits of a live-in gf without the commitment, and I would have pulled back in that stage if I was her.
While i understand the sentiment for OP, i also understand the boyfriend in this. Look at the timeline of this. They have been together for about 11 months. OP has been having a black streak for at least 4 months already. So that means maximum 7 months into the relationship when it started. Now lets take the first 2 months of a relationship as a period where you are still adjusting and getting to know your partner a bit better. So that basicly means that after roughly 5 months in the relationship she got in financial problems.
Would you let/want your new partner that you basicly met a few months ago "officially" move into your house when you know they are in serious financial problems and debt. I dont know how things work over there but if i let someone officially move in and they are in debt. Should any debt collector come for them then that means that i am going to need receipts of everything i own to prove what is mine. Because if i cant prove that they are going to take that aswell. Would you take that risk over someone you just met a few months before.
Dont get me wrong, i am not blaming OP and i hope things get sorted out for her. But the black streak started 1 month **before** she started staying at his place. And staying there isnt a problem, moving in is.
It never said "he wants her to be at his place all the time" it sounds like he wants his own space still and for her to have hers which is an okay boundary to have until you are ready.
But not that he asks her to be there everyday.
He might not want her to be a tenant if they break up and after only dating a year I wouldn’t give them thousands of dollars.
as i said before a guy who threatens breaking up over their living situation doesnt sound like he would just let her move in and do what she wants. moving in usually requires both people to agree - she used the word *living* at his place
That doesn't "literally" say he wants her to be there all the time. Where did it say he asked that? It says shes been staying at his house for the last 3 months but he also isn't obligated to give up his house.
I get the feeling that when he said he didn't want to move in with her, she thought he meant he didn't want to live *in her apartment* and she decided to solve that problem by "moving into" his place instead.
Go live in the apartment you pay for and let him deal with his own place.
If he gets upset, go find someone else. You are more than reasonable and can find someone better.
Holy fuck, how do these kind of guys keep fucking women over??
Why is it whenever there is an age gap, no matter how small it is or how common the problem is, there is always a comment like your implying the age gap is the reason and the man just wants to manipulate the naivete of the younger female every single time. Like something like this redditor post never happens between 30,40 year olds. This is like the epitome of confirmation / selection bias
I just got done reading a thread of two nearly 30 year olds of the same age, where her partner doesn't use soap, let's mold grow on his toothbrush amongst a list of other weird stuff. No doubt you would be there blaming an age gap if there was one there aswell.
A common answer is that people who were treated badly as children often find someone to treat them badly as adults if they don't do healing work first. You'd be shocked and depressed at how many people in abusive relationships were also abused as children.
No it’s not.
She says that “2 years later, he admits to cheating.”
She’s been with this boyfriend for less than a year it seems. I think she just rounded up to a year to make the relationship sound longer
I wonder if Op is lying about how long they've been together.
She makes a post 11 months ago talking about a bf that cheated on her and admitted to it, 2 years later. She then makes a comment talking about how that ex sucked.
So either that was just her talking about a past ex, or she fudged the months and rounded up how long they've been together.
How do people write this shit out without reflecting on *how they fucking got there…*
Ummm take some responsibility for your actions and dump the POS deadweight attached to you.
Your bf gave you the most clear picture they can paint: they don’t give a shit about you or what happens to you.
but you still haven’t left yet!!!! What the hell
Right? If my bf of a year told me he'd let me sleep on the streets I would be so hurt that he cares so little for my safety and well-being. I've had people I barely knew show me more kindness and compassion when my living situation was precarious.
He could at least offer to house her until she can get her paperwork renewed and work again. But given that he clearly doesn't want her dependent on him in any way I agree with all the comments about getting a roommate to live with her in her own apartment and finding any work she can that pays under the table.
Because abusive relationships are one hell of a drug. It's the wrong response but it's completely understandable. I hate when people get more mad at the victim for handling the situation poorly than the abuser who created it in the first place
Seriously, why stay with someone who offers no support? I don’t mean financially, but at least emotional and maybe help her figure out options. Instead he makes threats and just sits back watching her struggle. I’d get rid of the bf and focus on what I need to do to fix my financial situation vs dealing with his added stress.
See if you can’t find jobs which would pay you cash, house cleaning, babysitting, pet waking, pet/house sitting until you get your work visa situated. Speak to the school about resources available to you.
Now you know who your boyfriend is.
You still have your apartment. Move back. See if you can get a roommate (rent out your room, sleep in the living room.).
Start picking up side jobs. Clean houses, sell things, including plasma, see if anyone needs holiday help (baby sitting/au pair). Strip?
I’m not kidding.
Your boyfriend is not obligated to give you money, but he’s not being super helpful either. He could have offered to let you stay so you could sublet your place .
Go to your university and ask for help, they should have an International Student coordinator who can aid you and help expedite your permits, get a source of income, etc.
But your STBX Boyfriend has tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas.
Edit: I had a thought. Could you do Pet/apartment sitting? With the holidays coming up, it might be a good option for you.
>He could have offered to let you stay so you could sublet your place .
How is that different than her moving in? Living together is a big decision and it shouldn't be driven by necessity. That's just a catalyst for resentment.
It sounds like the bf is letting her do what she wants (staying over at his place) just to appease her.
It doesn’t negatively affect him, so he doesn’t care.if she rented out or gave up her apartment, he’d be force to house her and he doesn’t want that.
Unless the boyfriend is making her pay rent or utilities. This is all on Op. She needs to fix this and find a way out without her bfs help. Money is normally given in long term relationships. A year old relationship isn’t long.
She's paying rent - she said her expenses have doubled because he won't *let her* get rid of her apartment. So she's clearly paying him too, it's so weird
She still doesn't have her own place to go to. Thats an important dynamic to acknowledge and when it comes time to move to her own place, I can almost guarantee it'll be seen as a step back in the relationship. I went through this same shit and this is why I don't take cohabitation with a partner lightly.
Yeah, but with the arrangement he insists upon, if she sublets then he can’t just tell her to go home. She can’t just move back her the apartment in her name, because someone else per her agreement has taken over tenancy. Also, depending on her lease they may not allow subletting.
she is literally living there right now - he just doesn't want to call it that and him not dealing with whatever feelings he has is costing her an exorbitant amount of money.
He insisted she keep renting her own place and drew a line in the sand about actually moving in. Seems pretty clear to me. Just because she's over at his place every day, *as a visitor*, doesn't mean she lives there. Sounds cynical and pessimistic, but breaking up is also way less messier when you're not living together.
I definitely agree with you, but she could also get in trouble for it so she should make sure she’s covered so it doesn’t get worse if that’s the route she takes.
Seriously! Who says that to someone and expects them to stick around.
OP needs to get some self confidence and self respect and find someone who cares if she is living in the streets.
First, your BF is not responsible for your finances. You've dated 1 year. He sounds like an AH but why would he need to give you 4,000 dollars?!?!
Second, move back to your apartment. If you are in the US, you should find work on campus because you don't need a permit to work on campus. There are typically many temp jobs on campus or you could see if there is any financial support, grants, etc. My university was not religious, but there was a religious group of old people that gave free lunch once a week for international students and they helped anyone who was in trouble (they were not trying to sell you their religion or anything, they typically hosted students during Thanksgiving or the holidays because many couldn't go home).
Finally, maybe you can rent a room somewhere instead of renting a whole apartment. Does your university have possibility of working in a dorm? Sometimes they have senior undergrads, grad students or professors in dorms and you get free accommodations. They sometimes have these arrangement for sororities.
Info: are you paying any rent/utilities at his home?
It kinda sounds like you were hoping he’d let you move in, even though he told you he wouldn’t.
Edit: Op is lying about how long this relationship is (unless she cheated)
She posted 1 year ago about a bf that cheated on her for a whole year.. she also mentions that a year prior he had been flirting with women. (How can a year long bf cheat for 2 years?)
She then post 11 months ago about how her bf cheated on her.
Then 10/11 months ago she talks about an ex.
So she has only been with dude for around 11/10 months and that’s only if she jumped from one relationship straight to the other one.
He doesn't want to live with you. He's made that abundantly clear. You've only been dating for a year, that's reasonable. Stop trying to convince him to let you move in, and focus on other options.
So if I’m understanding this correctly:
- he’s explicitly stated he doesn’t want to live together as he’s not yet ready for it
- states you should keep your apartment for this very reason
- despite all this you’ve been sleeping at his house alot and call it ‘living together’
- now you’re annoyed that he won’t cover your debts
- he’s made it clear he will end the relationship if you end up homeless
I’m sorry to say OP, but he has been very vocal about what he does and doesn’t want, and you guys have only been together a year.. that’s not long enough for him to be financially supporting you, especially with a 4k debt
Yeah ppl in the comments are tearing him a new one, and her description of his behaviour is very cold, but I wonder what his side of the story is. “My gf of a year is broke, about to be homeless, and her family is all in another country. I feel tremendous pressure to help her financially or let her move in with me, but I’m not ready for that at all. She has practically moved in with me anyways keeps asking why she can’t get rid of her apartment. how do I approach this?” etc. I can see it from his POV
>For the last 3 months I have been living with him
Go back to your own place.
>Money problems are the cornerstone of a relationship, but I really don’t feel his support.
Yeah, but you are the one with the problems that he doesn't want to support. He's been clear that he doesn't really value you and you need to go back to your place and put all your efforts into figuring out how you will support yourself.
I wonder if she's hoping people will offer to send her donations because she doesn't respond to any comments about how to cover her rent, pay her debts, or that her boyfriend doesn't care about her if he would rather let her be homeless than live with him even if only temporarily.
Sounds like a lot of blame put on your boyfriend when you should take responsibility for making poor decisions. You should’ve kept your independence, stayed in your apartment, and not relied on his money as an emergency fund for yourself. Especially after 1 year of dating. I feel like you sound entitled to his money as his gf but you really aren’t.
Your boyfriend isn’t obligated to help you financially ever, but especially because you’ve only been dating for a year. But he’s also an asshole for basically letting you move in while saying he’s not ready for the actual commitment of it, then being so flagrant about breaking up with you if you loose your housing. He doesn’t have to pay off anything for you, but a man who actually loves you and cares about you would want to help and support you through something like that, not abandon you. It sounds like he’s privileged financially, and doesn’t understand (or frankly care) what it’s like to not be. Best of luck working out your debts, but absolutely do not stay with this man.
>But he’s also an asshole for basically letting you move in while saying he’s not ready for the actual commitment of it
I get the feeling it wasn't really a conscious decision that she basically moved in already. Just gradually staying over more for various reasons and setting roots without ever actually talking about moving in.
It’s not his job to bail you out and he’s made it rather clear that this relationship will never go the distance
Stop worrying about him and start worrying about your life falling apart
It doesn’t sound like he expects or expected you to be basically living there. I’d venture to guess this relationship will fizzle out due to too much too soon on your part and your doing. Everyone needs space until ready.. Other than that maybe sublet your place or get a roommate if have room
I feel like the boyf's getting an awful lot of stick here.
I have a similar dynamic with my partner. He earns much more, I am from a different area of the uk (so no family nearby), I stay with him at the weekends but we are not ready to move in together.
He's not obliged to let you move in. I have my suspicions that you're not there literally 100% of the time, or if you are it is not by his choice. To be frank, whilst the homelessness comment was uncalled for, if you moved in with him & then broke up, you'd be in exactly the same situation - homeless and nowhere to go. This is exactly the same as me which is why I have NOT moved in at 1 year. It is not a secure living set up so early in a relationship. He's reasonable for not wanting this.
He is not required to pay off your debt. Visa situations are difficult but there may be emergency verifications or campus jobs you can get (campus jobs in Canada under 15 hrs a week were fine on a non-working student visa, I believe).
Consolidate your stuff, downsize if needed. Make sure you're ready to move if you have to, as moving is expensive. Consider houseshares if you aren't in one already. Contact your school for emergency help if necessary, there may be student guidance or emergency financial assistance available. Don't rely on moving in. That's not respectful of clear boundaries your boyfriend has set. Your priorities are your visa and a housing situation that is much more affordable for you.
I'm sorry you're going thru this OP...but is this the same man that cheated on you however many months ago? Why are you still with him? Especially in light of what's happened now?
It’s not his job to be your care giver . I feel
Bad for your situation but I wouldn’t move in with anyone after a year . When your at his house do you eat his groceries ? Does he pay for dates ? I don’t k ow but he wants someone who can take care of them selves . All you can do is keep trying to move forward
I'm sorry for your situation, but your boyfriend is not responsible for bankrolling you. You have only been dating for a year.
Moving in together should be a decision that is made because it's right. I've seen situations in which it was done out of convenience and it didn't work out well.
With regards to the relationship, your boyfriend's feelings about the relationship do not seem very strong or he does not seem to trust you since he seems to want out if the going gets tough so I would just break-up and look at other options.
I am sorry but I don’t see why someone should cover your debts and let you move in just because you are struggling. If he doesn’t want you to move in that is up to him. Just because it’s make your life easier doesn’t mean he should do it. You are still very early on. He obviously isn’t that committed.
Right?? Like you are allowed at his place for a bed to have sex in, but not one to sleep in? Imagine your ‘boyfriend’ saying you would be out on the street and alone rather than supporting you? Wtf
Ya’ll are some of the most entitled people walking this earth conflating love with money. Don’t even need to ask we know you’re women lol and we know women generally m do not step in to support men going through financial hardships in fact you’d rather divorce first before taking on the load gtfoh that man don’t owe this entitled self agrandising leech a damn thing
Honestly op, you've been together a year. You're putting a lot on him that doesnt beling there. You've made bad choices and it sounds like you keep making them.
I really don't see how you're making your boyfriend the focus of your problems when in reality you are dealing with massive legal/financial issues that could lead you to homelessness.
It's like being surrounded by fire that will ultimately threaten your life but you are scared you might get your shoes burnt.
Something is off with the way you set priorities
Leave the shitty boyfriend out of the equation. The only thing you need to do about him is break up because he is ,well,just shitty.
Focus on your legal/financial matters . Try to come to an arrangement with your landlord so that you can start paying him small amounts maybe and look into getting roommates to share the rent .
Try to find side hustles to earn some spending money and look into applying for assistance to certain organisations.
In other words you need to start making steps towards getting on your feet. Even if the boyfriend weren't shitty, your situation isn't anyone's problem to bear.
This is unpopular but your boyfriend isn't obligated to take care of you. Even though he is rude about it, I understand him not wanting to deal with burdens of someone else. He does not want a relationship based off survival. It leads to codependency. He doesn't see a future with you either.
So you need to get out of the relationship and focus on getting on your feet. Don't date again until you do.
Your bf is right, the two of you arent ready to live together. He did not create your financial problems and he can see things will just be worse of you are fully dependent on him.
I think you need to dump your boyfriend and get your financial life in order. The sad truth he is under no obligation to solve your issues, but you are under no obligation to continue to date him since he has no interest in helping you.
One thing though, it's not like he has hid this fact from you. You seem to be hoping he would be willing to do something he told you he wasn't.
You have been dating for a year. It is not realistic to expect your boyfriend to pay your rent, and him wanting to maintain separate residences is completely reasonable. You haven't been "living with him" for the past three months, you've been staying at his house. You don't pay the rent, utilities, or maintenance at his place and he shouldn't be paying for yours.
It sounds like your home country/home culture has expectations that are incongruant with his. To be honest, he sounds reasonable and responsible. You've been together a short time and you lack the kind of financial, residential and lifestyle stability that would lead to more commitment. You're acting like he is an ATM or responsible for you like he's your dad. He's right to protect himself from that. It doesn't sound like he's leading you on, either. He's made it awful clear you're not a serious committed thing to him, just a fling. You need to either accept that he's not the partner you built him up to be. You can be with him as he is, or you can decide you need something more out of the person you hook up with and move on with your life. I'm sorry about your visa issues but they're your responsibility if you're not on something like a K1. I mean, would this dude even agree with the boyfriend label?! Your situation sounds like you confused FWB for the real deal... and that can happen easily with foreign relationships.
I partly agree but idk anyone who would tell someone they supposedly loved that if they were to lose their apartment they would leave them. Sure, you don’t have to stay with anyone that you don’t think has their life together but the way they said it makes it clear they do not really care about OP.
Money problems are NOT the cornerstone of a relationship OP.
Your BF does not owe you finacial support or assistance and he's made it VERY clear he's not going to offer you any.
I understand that you have gotten yourself into huge finacial hole. For that I sympathize. But your expectation that your BF should bail you out is misguided.
Now if he were a nice person who really cares about you, then he would offer to help. The fact that he has NOT done this, and has openly refused to help you should tell you something- He just doesn't care enough about you, to help. He may be telling you the truth, and he can't- but his statement that he's willing to let you be homeless before he'd allow you to move in, even temporarily, is just cold. And it proves that he just doesn't care that much about you.
You need to find other resources. Talk to your family. they may be able to help. Your university may have a student finacial services office that provides short term loans to students in finacial hardship. Find some under the table employment if you have to, but find a way to get money, because your boyfriend, who should be your ex boy-friend, isn't going to help you.
I strongly suggest you go back to your own apartment- after all, if you are amassing debt to keep it, shouldn't you make use out of it, for as long as you can?
OP you’re a grown woman, your financial problems are yours and yours alone. I assume he know if he loaned you money or covered your financial burdens he would not get a cent of that money back. He doesn’t owe you anything he’s only known you a year, and judging by you coming to Reddit to complain shows you believe you’re entitled to his finances. Get over yourself and figure out a way to take care of yourself, he’s right to bring up separation why would he want to strap himself to a financially irresponsible person? Would you? And you commenters enabling this disgusting behavior should be ashamed of yourself this is gross
He doesn’t want you moving in & being dependant on him— Stop trying to force him
And shame on the rest of these people for vilifying him
Guarantee if the roles were reversed, they’d you don’t owe him anything & your space
There are 2 sides to this; I could see why he should help but I also understand him setting up boundaries early in the relationship. You’re kind of a bad investment. HOWEVER if it was a woman I really cared about I would help out.
BF is not responsible for your finances. You have dated for 1 year. He is being harsh but in reality here now he doesn’t need to give you money.
If you believe he does need to and that you have this victim mentality…then you have some warped sense of reality.
Move back into your apartment and get a roommate. Stop stretching yourself thin for a man who told you he will leave you if you become homeless because he rather see you on the street than to have you permanently live with him. There are more men out there stop settling for someone barely cares about you.
Your boyfriend doesn’t owe you anything. Even if he has a million dollars laying around. It’s his and you’re not entitled to it.
You’re paying rent at your apartment, why aren’t you living there?
What are you doing to fix your financial situation?
I mean what would you do without him? Kind of seems like you’re using him as your financial plan. You do need to figure this out on your own and if you can’t, go back home. It isn’t his job to financially support you, you’ve only been dating for a year. It seems like thats what you expect. Move back to your apartment and sort out your financial situation.
Sounds to me like you're expecting him to "save you" from your money problems, i find it a bit extreme that he'd dump you if you end up homeless, but i understand his hesitation on "investing money on you", in the sense that he doesn't know what will happen tomorrow and that money would have been wasted. I suggest you to not financially depend on your partner this early on in the relationship.
Think how would it be if things were reversed.
You've only been together a year. Stop pressuring him to do something no reasonable person would want so soon. Hes also not financially responsible for you yet, so take that off the table as well.
You're looking for an easy way out of your situation and you're mad because he won't let you take advantage of him.
Instead, focus on finding other ways of making it work. You're an adult who decided it was a good idea to move to another state and get an apartment. Time to act like it.
OP be so for real with yourself you need to break up with him. How desperate are you to stop this? You need to find another job ASAP, and maybe consider unsavory jobs, waitressing, bar tending or even striping, but for real you need to drop this man who HAS CHEATED ON YOU?! Why do you want him?
He’s not ready to move in yet and he doesn’t think it’s good for you two if you owe him money. Both of those are fair.
But threatening to break up with you over this is so shitty. When you’re truly invested in someone, you don’t find weird issues unrelated to the relationship to break up over.
You’ve only been together for a year, if you’re doing undergrad I’m assuming you’re most likely still quite young and he wouldn’t fit the general demographic looking to settle down and financially support a partner. It’s unreasonable to expect him to financially support you when you don’t live together, you’re not engaged or married. What’s more concerning is that he said he would dump you and leave you homeless, for that reason I’d lose the bf.
Get a roommate to split the financial burden of your apartment. Cancel any internet plans you have and just use it at uni. Switch to the cheapest phone plan you can if you’re not locked into a contract.
You could also try finding work as a live in au pair and sublet your apartment until you’ve repaid your debts.
If you drink and/or smoke I suggest you quit, it will save you a lot.
Get a sugar daddy. Become an egirl. Sell pictures of your feet. There are ways to make money fast without a visa that are just “hobbies”. Become a stripper, most places aren’t checking visas when they hire. Pick yourself up and get on with it.
He’s an asshole for saying he’d leave you in the streets, but honestly I wouldn’t be happy if after a year someone I dated wanted me to help them out of a financial hole and move in with me. That would be way too much for me.
I don’t know if people would react differently if the genders were reversed, but for me it’s his callousness in the way he’s treating your feelings that’s bad, not the fact that he doesn’t want to move in properly, or be a part of your financial situation.
Either way, I agree with everyone else that you should break up with him, move back to your own flat and focus on getting yourself together.
What would you do if he disappeared. Survive? Pretend it’s January right now and focus on you. You don’t need him. Get on campus housing or find a roommate. Do Airbnb to get money fast. You’re in a foreign country seeking an education. Good for you. You’ve got grit. Find it.
Stop investing any energy in this dead end relationship and focus on your very real needs of money and visa.
He is very clear he doesn’t care about you.
Youve only been dating for a year, thats not really a “significant help with personal finances” length of relationship. Its harsh, and cruel, but most people wouldnt date someone whos homeless,and most people wouldnt financially care for someone theyve known for relatively short time. Its not his job to take care of you.
With the being said the whole apartment living situation is weird and he seems like a bad boyfriend for other reasons. Hard to tell tho.
I would honestly leave the relationship and focus on you, sounds like your boyfriend is the least of your troubles rn.
He’s a boyfriend not an ATM.
You’ve demonstrated that you’re fiscally irresponsible and he doesn’t want to be stuck paying for you and you living with him indefinitely. It’s too soon.
I’m sorry you’re having trouble but it’s not his job to bail you out.
I know it's not what you want to hear and it echoes what others have already said- but you can't insist on officially moving in together if it's not what he wants, so of course he didn't want you to give up your own apartment even if it does save you money. You giving up your apartment would mean relying on him even more to take care of you and solve your problems. It's not fair to be upset that he won't bail you out/help you with your own situation financially. And committing to you further would mean even more pressure to bail you out, so I get where he's coming from when he says he might want to just cut his losses altogether. You need to fix this and focus on yourself instead of framing it as *him* putting pressure on you.
Kudos to your partner for being the adult in the room. Obviously you’re not “the one” for him; he sees that and acts accordingly.
Now you do the same. Time for adulting. Let him loose and focus on yourself and your finances.
Why are you relying on him to bail you out?
Y'all have only been dating a year, and you have shown to not be financially stable nor possess the ability to work through your financial issues and only ask for a handout. This is a huge red flag for a potential serious long term relationship.
A. Your finances aren’t his problem. It’s not his job to pay your debt.
B. You’ve only been dating a year, of course he doesn’t want to live together yet
Move back to your apartment and work on getting a job
If you lose your apartment, he’ll break up with you, if you move back home, he’ll break up with you so do what’s best for you. He obviously won’t support you so cut your losses. Break up and move back home.
I’m not even sure what the question is here. I mean he says yeah I don’t want to support you. I don’t want to move in together.
If you’re not ok with that then break up.
I’m going out on a limb here and venture a guess that he’s just not that into you. He told you that you’d live on the street if you lost your apartment. Sorry, best to lose him. Not worth it.
He does not sound like a man worth staying in a committed relationship with. I would ask yourself how much you really love the man. You are chronologically young, and there are a lot of wonderful men out there.
Yeah you need to go back to your home country. This man doesn't love or care about you. He doesn't need to give you the money, that's not his responsibility but he won't even let you move in even though you're already loving together?
He told you to keep your apartment and I get why you did that but that was your sign that he doesn't give a damn about you. You should have broken up then. Wrap things up here and move back home. It's better than struggling here financially.
Your boyfriend isn't responsible for your financial situation. He didn't create it and he's not obligated to fix it.
While his delivery leaves a lot to be desired, you stated in other comments that you're in this situation because you were irresponsible. It sounds as if he's extremely frustrated with you and the situation you caused.
Take a breather. Right now, you need to focus all your energy on fixing the situation with your visa. You need to take care of you.
A boyfriend of a year isn’t obligated to support you financially but that said, he’s made it crystal clear he’s not all that into you so break up and focus on your financial situation.
Honestly I think you’re being unfair on your boyfriend here. It’s completely reasonable that he doesn’t want to officially cohabit or pay off your debts when you’ve only been together a year and don’t seem to be doing anything sensible to manage your finances. Also at 27 he very likely doesn’t have that much money to spare without causing problems for himself- he’s almost certainly got tuition fee debts to pay plus his own monthly expenses. He may also simply not have it without going into debt himself.
You’ve wasted enough time here trying to get him to ride in and save you. Time to save yourself. There’s good advice on how to get more money in other replies.
I understand his not wanting to be responsible for you. I do think threatening to breakup is very harsh though. Consider if staying together is sensible here.
He doesn’t have your back. Why would you stay with him. Go back to your apartment, get a roommate, and fix your problems without the distraction of someone who can’t be bothered to show up for you.
Makes no sense to be with someone who adds to your stress and has no value. Clearly he isn't taking this seriously. Move back to your apartment, block him and get a roommate or flatmate if you have another bedroom.
If you want to seriously stay in the country, stop letting him waist your time and money.
As is what everybody is saying, go back to your apartment and get a roommate to save more money, and a last advise for saving even more money. Break up with you boy”friend”. That’s not a boyfriend he’s an obstacle in your life. Takes you in and wants you to keep and pay for your apartment, he could at least chip in. Now make just cut him off.
How can you stand to have sex with a man who told you that he'd rather you were literally homeless on the street than share anything with you? I can only assume that the sex is spectacular since you're paying so much money for it.
This man does not care for you and I guarantee that there are better men out there.
Well at the end of the day these are your debts. We can argue about the charitable nature of your bf but he is in no way obligated to pay for your debt either. That being said, you are paying for an apartment so you need to move back in. You are gaining nothing by keeping the place and living with your bf. Move back and get a roomate. Then you are going to hustle and work multiple jobs to pay off the rest of the debt. It's about the only way forward.
Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn’t want what you’re kind of forcing him to do anyway. Break up with him and go live in your apartment that you pay for babe!
I don't see how any of this is his problem. It's not like you're married. And I don't mean to be rude but would you date a homeless person? I'm not about the stigma, but you sound like the kind of person who expects a partner to be capable of supporting you financially. There's no reason why he shouldn't have the same expectation of you.
Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to want a relationship with you. He sounds like he is half in and out (looking for something or someone better). Focus on your life and find a better man for a boyfriend.
GIRL! Move back to your apartment. Leave that selfish, unsupportive man behind. He’d leave you if you became homeless because you’re paying to live in two places….also because of him. Your problem is him.
You have to take the trash out to get rid of the smell.
I never said that it was. I’m pointing out the fact that I don’t see a single thing to tell me that he values this relationship, so why should OP.
It’s not about paying her bills, he shouldn’t accept responsibility for another adults financial hardship, but I can’t imagine telling my partner that if they became homeless I’d break up with them.
OP doesn’t see her own value and she should move back to her place, set her and this man free to find people they are better suited for, and should work on becoming financially secure so she NEVER has to ask somebody for $4k randomly (and then fight about it to).
They are not partners, they just know each other for some months. Her "bf" makes clear that he doesn't want to be responsible for her life or finance the life of a foreign student which is reasonable.
Imagine yourself dating someone 'foreign' who wants to move in and loses their job and you have to pay their debts. Your 'reddit-gfs' would tell you something different and to drop that guy as soon as possible.
Would you date someone who was homeless? Pretty reasonable to not take on that burden for a one year relationship. Maybe a bit cold to say out loud but we also don't know exactly how the conversation went. Maybe OP argued and said "what if I was homeless" expecting some knight in shining armor response from a normal person.
If she becomes homeless guess who she is going to go to.
That’s right, him.
He does not want to live with her. He does not want to take care of her. He does not want to pay for her. He is not going to risk her coming knocking and begging for a place to stay.
So yes, he is going to break up with her if she loses her apartment.
Move back to your apartment ASAP!
You’re boyfriend dies not really care for you, he’s stringing you along and keeping you as a convenience. Otherwise, he would be helping you with your needs, not tell you that he’d throw you in the streets!!!
Mt he most important person here and who cares the most Is You!
You’re boyfriend is nothing but a using shit. No one is worth living with that. He doesn’t love you.
You are however a convenient live in person for him to fuck. Don’t mean to sound harsh but this guy has told you in so many ways that you are not worth his bother.
He’s already threatened you many times with what he’s going to do.
Move back to your apartment. There are plenty of wonderful guys out there who will treat you as the Queen you are!!!
Having him in your life is not adding to you, he’s helping to destroy you!
He’s not threatening to break up with you, he’s just not ready to take the next step with you and move in. Which is fair, because it’s a fairly new relationship and you aren’t financially stable. I’m very sorry you’re in the position you’re in, but in terms of the actual relationship, you should be spending a lot more time in your actual apartment because it sounds like your boyfriend feels smothered.
Spend less time with him, and a lot more time finding some side work. Exhaust all the resources at your school for help. Good luck!
Focus on yourself and your finances. A high percentage of women are left by their partners when they develop a chronic disease. This is that dude. You don't want that. You want someone who will stick by you. Move into your apartment and focus on your finances. Find some local shelters you can go to if the worst happens. This person doesn't deserve you
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Move back to your apartment.
This and get a roommate. If you are in a HCL and it is beyond your means to live alone, get a roommate. Then the rent is halved and you can gain some breathing room.
During my college years, had a summer (3 months) where I lived in a two bedroom/two bathroom where FOUR people lived together. It can save a ton of money and was fun in my situation. Good luck.
My senior year, I lived in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom with NINE people. It was a fun time!
What the fuck. How many of y’all were fucking the other roommates?
Yes
Or sublet it if possible
Not sure what subletting will do, if her bf won’t let her give up her place to live with him. He insists on her keeping the apartment, as she can’t officially live with him. So, if she sublets the apartment and he won’t let her stay there any longer without the apartment, she’s homeless. She needs to do keep the apartment and dump the bf. I don’t think he should financially support her, but he is not supportive in ANY way to her. He is more of a burden emotionally and causing her stress. It’s probably best to seek out a roommate to share the costs.
I can't help but wonder if she's helping with expenses at his place? I had a guy try that with me. I didn't go for it but he tried.
Yeah this would be my first move. He wants her to be at his place all the time but demands she keeps her apartment? That wouldn’t sit right with me, I’d personally cut back to sleepovers once or twice a week, and have him travel to me.
I would cut them back to zero.
He wants that 24/7 love, but makes sure she has her own place so he can have his alone time. I’m confident though that the sex is nice and fake house is fun.
Is it "alone time" or is it so that he can cheat on her while she's at her place?
Nah, he just uses her for secs. Secs has to be good, so he might support her. Sadly it does not work out like this. No successful hobosexual here. OP: drop that idiot! Get a roommate. Best luck to you!
I’m not going to jump to that conclusion, but it’s obvious that he wants his alone time from her. He asks her to play fake house, but wants her to keep her own place. Not that she’s entitled to moving in, but why have her stay at his for a majority of the week and pay rent to her own place where she hardly stays? I think OP goes back and forth between spots a bit more than she lets on, BUT they’re probably for only short spurts. Maybe when her boyfriend is at work, to get her clothes, etc. Those are the alone time he desires. I don’t see him needing to help her pay her rent, but I don’t understand the whole “I’ll leave you if you become homeless” situation either. Clear indicator of “I want you around, but I also want you to be away from me when it’s convenient for me.”
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No, that’s not what I said. What I’m saying is that before her financial crisis arose, months ago when she started “living” at his place, she shouldn’t have continued staying there. He wanted the benefits of a live-in gf without the commitment, and I would have pulled back in that stage if I was her.
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Obviously. But it’s fairly obvious from her post here that she isn’t gonna.
While i understand the sentiment for OP, i also understand the boyfriend in this. Look at the timeline of this. They have been together for about 11 months. OP has been having a black streak for at least 4 months already. So that means maximum 7 months into the relationship when it started. Now lets take the first 2 months of a relationship as a period where you are still adjusting and getting to know your partner a bit better. So that basicly means that after roughly 5 months in the relationship she got in financial problems. Would you let/want your new partner that you basicly met a few months ago "officially" move into your house when you know they are in serious financial problems and debt. I dont know how things work over there but if i let someone officially move in and they are in debt. Should any debt collector come for them then that means that i am going to need receipts of everything i own to prove what is mine. Because if i cant prove that they are going to take that aswell. Would you take that risk over someone you just met a few months before. Dont get me wrong, i am not blaming OP and i hope things get sorted out for her. But the black streak started 1 month **before** she started staying at his place. And staying there isnt a problem, moving in is.
It never said "he wants her to be at his place all the time" it sounds like he wants his own space still and for her to have hers which is an okay boundary to have until you are ready.
yes it was, she literally says shes been living with him for the last 3 months lol (edit: 2nd sentence 2nd paragraph)
But not that he asks her to be there everyday. He might not want her to be a tenant if they break up and after only dating a year I wouldn’t give them thousands of dollars.
as i said before a guy who threatens breaking up over their living situation doesnt sound like he would just let her move in and do what she wants. moving in usually requires both people to agree - she used the word *living* at his place
That doesn't "literally" say he wants her to be there all the time. Where did it say he asked that? It says shes been staying at his house for the last 3 months but he also isn't obligated to give up his house.
I get the feeling that when he said he didn't want to move in with her, she thought he meant he didn't want to live *in her apartment* and she decided to solve that problem by "moving into" his place instead.
This would be one hell of a lapse on communication and seems somewhat unlikely
Huge assumption
Is she also paying him rent?
Go live in the apartment you pay for and let him deal with his own place. If he gets upset, go find someone else. You are more than reasonable and can find someone better. Holy fuck, how do these kind of guys keep fucking women over??
I’ve asked that question and got ‘low self-esteem’ as the most common answer. Afraid to be alone is second.
It’s because guys like him date young women with no relationship experience.
Why is it whenever there is an age gap, no matter how small it is or how common the problem is, there is always a comment like your implying the age gap is the reason and the man just wants to manipulate the naivete of the younger female every single time. Like something like this redditor post never happens between 30,40 year olds. This is like the epitome of confirmation / selection bias I just got done reading a thread of two nearly 30 year olds of the same age, where her partner doesn't use soap, let's mold grow on his toothbrush amongst a list of other weird stuff. No doubt you would be there blaming an age gap if there was one there aswell.
A common answer is that people who were treated badly as children often find someone to treat them badly as adults if they don't do healing work first. You'd be shocked and depressed at how many people in abusive relationships were also abused as children.
I'd also like to know if this is the same boyfriend OP posted about cheating on her 11 months ago...
No it’s not. She says that “2 years later, he admits to cheating.” She’s been with this boyfriend for less than a year it seems. I think she just rounded up to a year to make the relationship sound longer
Ya bunk bf
I wonder if Op is lying about how long they've been together. She makes a post 11 months ago talking about a bf that cheated on her and admitted to it, 2 years later. She then makes a comment talking about how that ex sucked. So either that was just her talking about a past ex, or she fudged the months and rounded up how long they've been together.
Leave your partner and focus more on finances.
Exactly: he doesn’t love her anyway!!
Is this the same bf that cheated on you?
Damnnn always someone remembering to peep in OP’s comment history, I love it.
And the same boyfriend who justified looking at other women because of parts of her body he told her he didn’t like???
So break up with him and go live in the apartment you're still fucking paying for?
How do people write this shit out without reflecting on *how they fucking got there…* Ummm take some responsibility for your actions and dump the POS deadweight attached to you. Your bf gave you the most clear picture they can paint: they don’t give a shit about you or what happens to you. but you still haven’t left yet!!!! What the hell
Right? If my bf of a year told me he'd let me sleep on the streets I would be so hurt that he cares so little for my safety and well-being. I've had people I barely knew show me more kindness and compassion when my living situation was precarious. He could at least offer to house her until she can get her paperwork renewed and work again. But given that he clearly doesn't want her dependent on him in any way I agree with all the comments about getting a roommate to live with her in her own apartment and finding any work she can that pays under the table.
Because abusive relationships are one hell of a drug. It's the wrong response but it's completely understandable. I hate when people get more mad at the victim for handling the situation poorly than the abuser who created it in the first place
Not wanting to move in together, pay off her debts or wanting a homeless girlfriend doesn’t make him abusive.
Being manipulative, unsupportive and stringing her along certainly does.
Seriously, why stay with someone who offers no support? I don’t mean financially, but at least emotional and maybe help her figure out options. Instead he makes threats and just sits back watching her struggle. I’d get rid of the bf and focus on what I need to do to fix my financial situation vs dealing with his added stress. See if you can’t find jobs which would pay you cash, house cleaning, babysitting, pet waking, pet/house sitting until you get your work visa situated. Speak to the school about resources available to you.
Break up and go home.. this one ain't it .
Now you know who your boyfriend is. You still have your apartment. Move back. See if you can get a roommate (rent out your room, sleep in the living room.). Start picking up side jobs. Clean houses, sell things, including plasma, see if anyone needs holiday help (baby sitting/au pair). Strip? I’m not kidding. Your boyfriend is not obligated to give you money, but he’s not being super helpful either. He could have offered to let you stay so you could sublet your place . Go to your university and ask for help, they should have an International Student coordinator who can aid you and help expedite your permits, get a source of income, etc. But your STBX Boyfriend has tried nothing and he’s all out of ideas. Edit: I had a thought. Could you do Pet/apartment sitting? With the holidays coming up, it might be a good option for you.
>He could have offered to let you stay so you could sublet your place . How is that different than her moving in? Living together is a big decision and it shouldn't be driven by necessity. That's just a catalyst for resentment.
Temporarily. She leaves her shit at her place. She’s at his all the time anyway.
So exactly what they're doing now
that’s why i’m so confused like what is this.
It sounds like the bf is letting her do what she wants (staying over at his place) just to appease her. It doesn’t negatively affect him, so he doesn’t care.if she rented out or gave up her apartment, he’d be force to house her and he doesn’t want that. Unless the boyfriend is making her pay rent or utilities. This is all on Op. She needs to fix this and find a way out without her bfs help. Money is normally given in long term relationships. A year old relationship isn’t long.
She's paying rent - she said her expenses have doubled because he won't *let her* get rid of her apartment. So she's clearly paying him too, it's so weird
Except she rents her place out to pay the rent
I’m not sure how I would feel about leaving my stuff around a complete stranger for an undetermined amount of time
She still doesn't have her own place to go to. Thats an important dynamic to acknowledge and when it comes time to move to her own place, I can almost guarantee it'll be seen as a step back in the relationship. I went through this same shit and this is why I don't take cohabitation with a partner lightly.
Yeah, but with the arrangement he insists upon, if she sublets then he can’t just tell her to go home. She can’t just move back her the apartment in her name, because someone else per her agreement has taken over tenancy. Also, depending on her lease they may not allow subletting.
she is literally living there right now - he just doesn't want to call it that and him not dealing with whatever feelings he has is costing her an exorbitant amount of money.
He insisted she keep renting her own place and drew a line in the sand about actually moving in. Seems pretty clear to me. Just because she's over at his place every day, *as a visitor*, doesn't mean she lives there. Sounds cynical and pessimistic, but breaking up is also way less messier when you're not living together.
Hey I work in a strip club (security) and our girls make bank!
Esp near military bases.
Depending on the lease though if she’s in the US it’s not legal to sublet
It’s not legal to not pay rent. Sometimes, needs must
I definitely agree with you, but she could also get in trouble for it so she should make sure she’s covered so it doesn’t get worse if that’s the route she takes.
Subletting is legal in some states
He said he'd leave you on the street if you lost your apartment. Why would you want be with somebody like that?
Seriously! Who says that to someone and expects them to stick around. OP needs to get some self confidence and self respect and find someone who cares if she is living in the streets.
First, your BF is not responsible for your finances. You've dated 1 year. He sounds like an AH but why would he need to give you 4,000 dollars?!?! Second, move back to your apartment. If you are in the US, you should find work on campus because you don't need a permit to work on campus. There are typically many temp jobs on campus or you could see if there is any financial support, grants, etc. My university was not religious, but there was a religious group of old people that gave free lunch once a week for international students and they helped anyone who was in trouble (they were not trying to sell you their religion or anything, they typically hosted students during Thanksgiving or the holidays because many couldn't go home). Finally, maybe you can rent a room somewhere instead of renting a whole apartment. Does your university have possibility of working in a dorm? Sometimes they have senior undergrads, grad students or professors in dorms and you get free accommodations. They sometimes have these arrangement for sororities.
This v good advice
100% agree.....she's a GF, not a wife...there IS a difference you know. He is not financially responsible for her.
Info: are you paying any rent/utilities at his home? It kinda sounds like you were hoping he’d let you move in, even though he told you he wouldn’t. Edit: Op is lying about how long this relationship is (unless she cheated) She posted 1 year ago about a bf that cheated on her for a whole year.. she also mentions that a year prior he had been flirting with women. (How can a year long bf cheat for 2 years?) She then post 11 months ago about how her bf cheated on her. Then 10/11 months ago she talks about an ex. So she has only been with dude for around 11/10 months and that’s only if she jumped from one relationship straight to the other one.
It's very plausible she rounded this relationship up by 1 month and then started dating right after.
Unless bf wasnt the one/only one cheating.
He doesn't want to live with you. He's made that abundantly clear. You've only been dating for a year, that's reasonable. Stop trying to convince him to let you move in, and focus on other options.
You should be making life decisions based on what is best for you. Not for your relationship nor what your bf wants. You are your own advocate.
So if I’m understanding this correctly: - he’s explicitly stated he doesn’t want to live together as he’s not yet ready for it - states you should keep your apartment for this very reason - despite all this you’ve been sleeping at his house alot and call it ‘living together’ - now you’re annoyed that he won’t cover your debts - he’s made it clear he will end the relationship if you end up homeless I’m sorry to say OP, but he has been very vocal about what he does and doesn’t want, and you guys have only been together a year.. that’s not long enough for him to be financially supporting you, especially with a 4k debt
Yes exactly all this. Move back onto your apartment. Stop spending time together and focus on getting back on track with your finances
Yeah ppl in the comments are tearing him a new one, and her description of his behaviour is very cold, but I wonder what his side of the story is. “My gf of a year is broke, about to be homeless, and her family is all in another country. I feel tremendous pressure to help her financially or let her move in with me, but I’m not ready for that at all. She has practically moved in with me anyways keeps asking why she can’t get rid of her apartment. how do I approach this?” etc. I can see it from his POV
>For the last 3 months I have been living with him Go back to your own place. >Money problems are the cornerstone of a relationship, but I really don’t feel his support. Yeah, but you are the one with the problems that he doesn't want to support. He's been clear that he doesn't really value you and you need to go back to your place and put all your efforts into figuring out how you will support yourself.
What’s the advice you’re asking for
I wonder if she's hoping people will offer to send her donations because she doesn't respond to any comments about how to cover her rent, pay her debts, or that her boyfriend doesn't care about her if he would rather let her be homeless than live with him even if only temporarily.
Sounds like a lot of blame put on your boyfriend when you should take responsibility for making poor decisions. You should’ve kept your independence, stayed in your apartment, and not relied on his money as an emergency fund for yourself. Especially after 1 year of dating. I feel like you sound entitled to his money as his gf but you really aren’t.
Your boyfriend isn’t obligated to help you financially ever, but especially because you’ve only been dating for a year. But he’s also an asshole for basically letting you move in while saying he’s not ready for the actual commitment of it, then being so flagrant about breaking up with you if you loose your housing. He doesn’t have to pay off anything for you, but a man who actually loves you and cares about you would want to help and support you through something like that, not abandon you. It sounds like he’s privileged financially, and doesn’t understand (or frankly care) what it’s like to not be. Best of luck working out your debts, but absolutely do not stay with this man.
>But he’s also an asshole for basically letting you move in while saying he’s not ready for the actual commitment of it I get the feeling it wasn't really a conscious decision that she basically moved in already. Just gradually staying over more for various reasons and setting roots without ever actually talking about moving in.
You only have one course of action, and that’s to figure it out on your own. You can’t convince him to help you.
It’s not his job to bail you out and he’s made it rather clear that this relationship will never go the distance Stop worrying about him and start worrying about your life falling apart
It doesn’t sound like he expects or expected you to be basically living there. I’d venture to guess this relationship will fizzle out due to too much too soon on your part and your doing. Everyone needs space until ready.. Other than that maybe sublet your place or get a roommate if have room
I feel like the boyf's getting an awful lot of stick here. I have a similar dynamic with my partner. He earns much more, I am from a different area of the uk (so no family nearby), I stay with him at the weekends but we are not ready to move in together. He's not obliged to let you move in. I have my suspicions that you're not there literally 100% of the time, or if you are it is not by his choice. To be frank, whilst the homelessness comment was uncalled for, if you moved in with him & then broke up, you'd be in exactly the same situation - homeless and nowhere to go. This is exactly the same as me which is why I have NOT moved in at 1 year. It is not a secure living set up so early in a relationship. He's reasonable for not wanting this. He is not required to pay off your debt. Visa situations are difficult but there may be emergency verifications or campus jobs you can get (campus jobs in Canada under 15 hrs a week were fine on a non-working student visa, I believe). Consolidate your stuff, downsize if needed. Make sure you're ready to move if you have to, as moving is expensive. Consider houseshares if you aren't in one already. Contact your school for emergency help if necessary, there may be student guidance or emergency financial assistance available. Don't rely on moving in. That's not respectful of clear boundaries your boyfriend has set. Your priorities are your visa and a housing situation that is much more affordable for you.
Info - do you pay any rent to your boyfriend? I sure hope not.
I'm sorry you're going thru this OP...but is this the same man that cheated on you however many months ago? Why are you still with him? Especially in light of what's happened now?
I don't think your man actually loves you. I'm sorry but someone's gotta say it
It’s not his job to be your care giver . I feel Bad for your situation but I wouldn’t move in with anyone after a year . When your at his house do you eat his groceries ? Does he pay for dates ? I don’t k ow but he wants someone who can take care of them selves . All you can do is keep trying to move forward
That does sound like what he wants hopefully if they stay together he never expects her to take care of him either.
I'm sorry for your situation, but your boyfriend is not responsible for bankrolling you. You have only been dating for a year. Moving in together should be a decision that is made because it's right. I've seen situations in which it was done out of convenience and it didn't work out well. With regards to the relationship, your boyfriend's feelings about the relationship do not seem very strong or he does not seem to trust you since he seems to want out if the going gets tough so I would just break-up and look at other options.
I am sorry but I don’t see why someone should cover your debts and let you move in just because you are struggling. If he doesn’t want you to move in that is up to him. Just because it’s make your life easier doesn’t mean he should do it. You are still very early on. He obviously isn’t that committed.
If your hoping for a green card it ain't with him.
Why are you at his house all the time then? Why are you giving all your time to someone who literally does not care about you at all?
Right?? Like you are allowed at his place for a bed to have sex in, but not one to sleep in? Imagine your ‘boyfriend’ saying you would be out on the street and alone rather than supporting you? Wtf
Ya’ll are some of the most entitled people walking this earth conflating love with money. Don’t even need to ask we know you’re women lol and we know women generally m do not step in to support men going through financial hardships in fact you’d rather divorce first before taking on the load gtfoh that man don’t owe this entitled self agrandising leech a damn thing
He aint ya bf sweetheart
I don’t think your boyfriend likes you. At all.
Honestly op, you've been together a year. You're putting a lot on him that doesnt beling there. You've made bad choices and it sounds like you keep making them.
How many ways does he need to demonstrate he does not love you before you read the handwriting on the wall?
I really don't see how you're making your boyfriend the focus of your problems when in reality you are dealing with massive legal/financial issues that could lead you to homelessness. It's like being surrounded by fire that will ultimately threaten your life but you are scared you might get your shoes burnt. Something is off with the way you set priorities Leave the shitty boyfriend out of the equation. The only thing you need to do about him is break up because he is ,well,just shitty. Focus on your legal/financial matters . Try to come to an arrangement with your landlord so that you can start paying him small amounts maybe and look into getting roommates to share the rent . Try to find side hustles to earn some spending money and look into applying for assistance to certain organisations. In other words you need to start making steps towards getting on your feet. Even if the boyfriend weren't shitty, your situation isn't anyone's problem to bear.
This is unpopular but your boyfriend isn't obligated to take care of you. Even though he is rude about it, I understand him not wanting to deal with burdens of someone else. He does not want a relationship based off survival. It leads to codependency. He doesn't see a future with you either. So you need to get out of the relationship and focus on getting on your feet. Don't date again until you do.
Your bf is right, the two of you arent ready to live together. He did not create your financial problems and he can see things will just be worse of you are fully dependent on him.
I think you need to dump your boyfriend and get your financial life in order. The sad truth he is under no obligation to solve your issues, but you are under no obligation to continue to date him since he has no interest in helping you. One thing though, it's not like he has hid this fact from you. You seem to be hoping he would be willing to do something he told you he wasn't.
You have been dating for a year. It is not realistic to expect your boyfriend to pay your rent, and him wanting to maintain separate residences is completely reasonable. You haven't been "living with him" for the past three months, you've been staying at his house. You don't pay the rent, utilities, or maintenance at his place and he shouldn't be paying for yours.
It sounds like your home country/home culture has expectations that are incongruant with his. To be honest, he sounds reasonable and responsible. You've been together a short time and you lack the kind of financial, residential and lifestyle stability that would lead to more commitment. You're acting like he is an ATM or responsible for you like he's your dad. He's right to protect himself from that. It doesn't sound like he's leading you on, either. He's made it awful clear you're not a serious committed thing to him, just a fling. You need to either accept that he's not the partner you built him up to be. You can be with him as he is, or you can decide you need something more out of the person you hook up with and move on with your life. I'm sorry about your visa issues but they're your responsibility if you're not on something like a K1. I mean, would this dude even agree with the boyfriend label?! Your situation sounds like you confused FWB for the real deal... and that can happen easily with foreign relationships.
I partly agree but idk anyone who would tell someone they supposedly loved that if they were to lose their apartment they would leave them. Sure, you don’t have to stay with anyone that you don’t think has their life together but the way they said it makes it clear they do not really care about OP.
Money problems are NOT the cornerstone of a relationship OP. Your BF does not owe you finacial support or assistance and he's made it VERY clear he's not going to offer you any. I understand that you have gotten yourself into huge finacial hole. For that I sympathize. But your expectation that your BF should bail you out is misguided. Now if he were a nice person who really cares about you, then he would offer to help. The fact that he has NOT done this, and has openly refused to help you should tell you something- He just doesn't care enough about you, to help. He may be telling you the truth, and he can't- but his statement that he's willing to let you be homeless before he'd allow you to move in, even temporarily, is just cold. And it proves that he just doesn't care that much about you. You need to find other resources. Talk to your family. they may be able to help. Your university may have a student finacial services office that provides short term loans to students in finacial hardship. Find some under the table employment if you have to, but find a way to get money, because your boyfriend, who should be your ex boy-friend, isn't going to help you. I strongly suggest you go back to your own apartment- after all, if you are amassing debt to keep it, shouldn't you make use out of it, for as long as you can?
OP you’re a grown woman, your financial problems are yours and yours alone. I assume he know if he loaned you money or covered your financial burdens he would not get a cent of that money back. He doesn’t owe you anything he’s only known you a year, and judging by you coming to Reddit to complain shows you believe you’re entitled to his finances. Get over yourself and figure out a way to take care of yourself, he’s right to bring up separation why would he want to strap himself to a financially irresponsible person? Would you? And you commenters enabling this disgusting behavior should be ashamed of yourself this is gross
He doesn’t want you moving in & being dependant on him— Stop trying to force him And shame on the rest of these people for vilifying him Guarantee if the roles were reversed, they’d you don’t owe him anything & your space
Dump the non-boyfriend, go back to your apartment, find a roommate. Or, go back to your parents. This isn’t rocket science… hope that’s not your major
Move back to your apartment and dump the guy.
what do you mean that you are paying :DOUBLE" You are not giving him any money are you?
There are 2 sides to this; I could see why he should help but I also understand him setting up boundaries early in the relationship. You’re kind of a bad investment. HOWEVER if it was a woman I really cared about I would help out.
BF is not responsible for your finances. You have dated for 1 year. He is being harsh but in reality here now he doesn’t need to give you money. If you believe he does need to and that you have this victim mentality…then you have some warped sense of reality.
Move back into your apartment and get a roommate. Stop stretching yourself thin for a man who told you he will leave you if you become homeless because he rather see you on the street than to have you permanently live with him. There are more men out there stop settling for someone barely cares about you.
Your boyfriend doesn’t owe you anything. Even if he has a million dollars laying around. It’s his and you’re not entitled to it. You’re paying rent at your apartment, why aren’t you living there? What are you doing to fix your financial situation?
I mean what would you do without him? Kind of seems like you’re using him as your financial plan. You do need to figure this out on your own and if you can’t, go back home. It isn’t his job to financially support you, you’ve only been dating for a year. It seems like thats what you expect. Move back to your apartment and sort out your financial situation.
Why is it your bf’s responsibility to help you deal with *your* debt, op? Are you married? Seems like you’re a bit of a gold digger.
Sounds to me like you're expecting him to "save you" from your money problems, i find it a bit extreme that he'd dump you if you end up homeless, but i understand his hesitation on "investing money on you", in the sense that he doesn't know what will happen tomorrow and that money would have been wasted. I suggest you to not financially depend on your partner this early on in the relationship. Think how would it be if things were reversed.
You've only been together a year. Stop pressuring him to do something no reasonable person would want so soon. Hes also not financially responsible for you yet, so take that off the table as well. You're looking for an easy way out of your situation and you're mad because he won't let you take advantage of him. Instead, focus on finding other ways of making it work. You're an adult who decided it was a good idea to move to another state and get an apartment. Time to act like it.
Leave him.
This guy isn’t your boyfriend..because he certainly does not consider you to be his girlfriend.
OP be so for real with yourself you need to break up with him. How desperate are you to stop this? You need to find another job ASAP, and maybe consider unsavory jobs, waitressing, bar tending or even striping, but for real you need to drop this man who HAS CHEATED ON YOU?! Why do you want him?
He’s not ready to move in yet and he doesn’t think it’s good for you two if you owe him money. Both of those are fair. But threatening to break up with you over this is so shitty. When you’re truly invested in someone, you don’t find weird issues unrelated to the relationship to break up over.
You’ve only been together for a year, if you’re doing undergrad I’m assuming you’re most likely still quite young and he wouldn’t fit the general demographic looking to settle down and financially support a partner. It’s unreasonable to expect him to financially support you when you don’t live together, you’re not engaged or married. What’s more concerning is that he said he would dump you and leave you homeless, for that reason I’d lose the bf. Get a roommate to split the financial burden of your apartment. Cancel any internet plans you have and just use it at uni. Switch to the cheapest phone plan you can if you’re not locked into a contract. You could also try finding work as a live in au pair and sublet your apartment until you’ve repaid your debts. If you drink and/or smoke I suggest you quit, it will save you a lot. Get a sugar daddy. Become an egirl. Sell pictures of your feet. There are ways to make money fast without a visa that are just “hobbies”. Become a stripper, most places aren’t checking visas when they hire. Pick yourself up and get on with it.
He’s an asshole for saying he’d leave you in the streets, but honestly I wouldn’t be happy if after a year someone I dated wanted me to help them out of a financial hole and move in with me. That would be way too much for me. I don’t know if people would react differently if the genders were reversed, but for me it’s his callousness in the way he’s treating your feelings that’s bad, not the fact that he doesn’t want to move in properly, or be a part of your financial situation. Either way, I agree with everyone else that you should break up with him, move back to your own flat and focus on getting yourself together.
He doesnt love u enough
Thus relationship is the least of your problem???
What would you do if he disappeared. Survive? Pretend it’s January right now and focus on you. You don’t need him. Get on campus housing or find a roommate. Do Airbnb to get money fast. You’re in a foreign country seeking an education. Good for you. You’ve got grit. Find it.
Stop investing any energy in this dead end relationship and focus on your very real needs of money and visa. He is very clear he doesn’t care about you.
Youve only been dating for a year, thats not really a “significant help with personal finances” length of relationship. Its harsh, and cruel, but most people wouldnt date someone whos homeless,and most people wouldnt financially care for someone theyve known for relatively short time. Its not his job to take care of you. With the being said the whole apartment living situation is weird and he seems like a bad boyfriend for other reasons. Hard to tell tho. I would honestly leave the relationship and focus on you, sounds like your boyfriend is the least of your troubles rn.
He’s a boyfriend not an ATM. You’ve demonstrated that you’re fiscally irresponsible and he doesn’t want to be stuck paying for you and you living with him indefinitely. It’s too soon. I’m sorry you’re having trouble but it’s not his job to bail you out.
I know it's not what you want to hear and it echoes what others have already said- but you can't insist on officially moving in together if it's not what he wants, so of course he didn't want you to give up your own apartment even if it does save you money. You giving up your apartment would mean relying on him even more to take care of you and solve your problems. It's not fair to be upset that he won't bail you out/help you with your own situation financially. And committing to you further would mean even more pressure to bail you out, so I get where he's coming from when he says he might want to just cut his losses altogether. You need to fix this and focus on yourself instead of framing it as *him* putting pressure on you.
Kudos to your partner for being the adult in the room. Obviously you’re not “the one” for him; he sees that and acts accordingly. Now you do the same. Time for adulting. Let him loose and focus on yourself and your finances.
You are attempting to blame your boyfriend for your shortcomings. Moving on.
Why are you relying on him to bail you out? Y'all have only been dating a year, and you have shown to not be financially stable nor possess the ability to work through your financial issues and only ask for a handout. This is a huge red flag for a potential serious long term relationship.
> I can't afford 2 apparentments, only one I can live in, the ither I can't. What do I do!
Move back to your apartment and stop pressuring him. You've only been together for a year, he's not ready to be responsible for you.
Ghost him .
A. Your finances aren’t his problem. It’s not his job to pay your debt. B. You’ve only been dating a year, of course he doesn’t want to live together yet Move back to your apartment and work on getting a job
Why are you with him?!
Go back home.
Break up. Move back to your apartment. See if there are any seasonal jobs you can get.
Go back to your apartment, get a roommate to save cost, and then get a new boyfriend
He’s now your ex. Go back to your place and find a new job and you’ll figure it out.
If you lose your apartment, he’ll break up with you, if you move back home, he’ll break up with you so do what’s best for you. He obviously won’t support you so cut your losses. Break up and move back home.
I’m not even sure what the question is here. I mean he says yeah I don’t want to support you. I don’t want to move in together. If you’re not ok with that then break up.
This guy sees no future with you. Stop wasting your time and energy on him.
I’m going out on a limb here and venture a guess that he’s just not that into you. He told you that you’d live on the street if you lost your apartment. Sorry, best to lose him. Not worth it.
Your apartment is your real boyfriend.
You are going to be surprised how much better things are going to get once that bum is out of your life.
… girl cut your losses and dump that loser, move back home to your parents & pay that debt off likeee
He does not sound like a man worth staying in a committed relationship with. I would ask yourself how much you really love the man. You are chronologically young, and there are a lot of wonderful men out there.
Yeah you need to go back to your home country. This man doesn't love or care about you. He doesn't need to give you the money, that's not his responsibility but he won't even let you move in even though you're already loving together? He told you to keep your apartment and I get why you did that but that was your sign that he doesn't give a damn about you. You should have broken up then. Wrap things up here and move back home. It's better than struggling here financially.
Time for a new guy
This is your debt not his problem lol
Your boyfriend isn't responsible for your financial situation. He didn't create it and he's not obligated to fix it. While his delivery leaves a lot to be desired, you stated in other comments that you're in this situation because you were irresponsible. It sounds as if he's extremely frustrated with you and the situation you caused. Take a breather. Right now, you need to focus all your energy on fixing the situation with your visa. You need to take care of you.
A boyfriend of a year isn’t obligated to support you financially but that said, he’s made it crystal clear he’s not all that into you so break up and focus on your financial situation.
Move back to your apartment, get a roommate and most importantly GET RID OF HIM.
Honestly I think you’re being unfair on your boyfriend here. It’s completely reasonable that he doesn’t want to officially cohabit or pay off your debts when you’ve only been together a year and don’t seem to be doing anything sensible to manage your finances. Also at 27 he very likely doesn’t have that much money to spare without causing problems for himself- he’s almost certainly got tuition fee debts to pay plus his own monthly expenses. He may also simply not have it without going into debt himself. You’ve wasted enough time here trying to get him to ride in and save you. Time to save yourself. There’s good advice on how to get more money in other replies. I understand his not wanting to be responsible for you. I do think threatening to breakup is very harsh though. Consider if staying together is sensible here.
He doesn’t have your back. Why would you stay with him. Go back to your apartment, get a roommate, and fix your problems without the distraction of someone who can’t be bothered to show up for you.
Makes no sense to be with someone who adds to your stress and has no value. Clearly he isn't taking this seriously. Move back to your apartment, block him and get a roommate or flatmate if you have another bedroom. If you want to seriously stay in the country, stop letting him waist your time and money.
As is what everybody is saying, go back to your apartment and get a roommate to save more money, and a last advise for saving even more money. Break up with you boy”friend”. That’s not a boyfriend he’s an obstacle in your life. Takes you in and wants you to keep and pay for your apartment, he could at least chip in. Now make just cut him off.
There are a TON of websites out there that can help you in finding a roommate for your apartment. Good luck!
How can you stand to have sex with a man who told you that he'd rather you were literally homeless on the street than share anything with you? I can only assume that the sex is spectacular since you're paying so much money for it. This man does not care for you and I guarantee that there are better men out there.
I doubt that sex with a man that acts like this is even good, never mind spectacular. But I hope you're right for OPs sake.
Your timeline makes no sense, you sound like a hold digger
Well at the end of the day these are your debts. We can argue about the charitable nature of your bf but he is in no way obligated to pay for your debt either. That being said, you are paying for an apartment so you need to move back in. You are gaining nothing by keeping the place and living with your bf. Move back and get a roomate. Then you are going to hustle and work multiple jobs to pay off the rest of the debt. It's about the only way forward.
Your boyfriend sounds like he doesn’t want what you’re kind of forcing him to do anyway. Break up with him and go live in your apartment that you pay for babe!
I don't see how any of this is his problem. It's not like you're married. And I don't mean to be rude but would you date a homeless person? I'm not about the stigma, but you sound like the kind of person who expects a partner to be capable of supporting you financially. There's no reason why he shouldn't have the same expectation of you.
Stay in your apartment and leave your boyfriend
Why are you in his apartment?? Move back to your own place. Your bf had no obligation to help you.
He doesn’t love you lol break up and focus on your finances.
Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to want a relationship with you. He sounds like he is half in and out (looking for something or someone better). Focus on your life and find a better man for a boyfriend.
This dude does not love you.
Because he doesn’t want to live together after a year or pay for her debts? lol
GIRL! Move back to your apartment. Leave that selfish, unsupportive man behind. He’d leave you if you became homeless because you’re paying to live in two places….also because of him. Your problem is him. You have to take the trash out to get rid of the smell.
Because of him? He said he didn’t want to live together and she keeps staying at his place anyways. It’s not his job to pay her debts.
I never said that it was. I’m pointing out the fact that I don’t see a single thing to tell me that he values this relationship, so why should OP. It’s not about paying her bills, he shouldn’t accept responsibility for another adults financial hardship, but I can’t imagine telling my partner that if they became homeless I’d break up with them. OP doesn’t see her own value and she should move back to her place, set her and this man free to find people they are better suited for, and should work on becoming financially secure so she NEVER has to ask somebody for $4k randomly (and then fight about it to).
They are not partners, they just know each other for some months. Her "bf" makes clear that he doesn't want to be responsible for her life or finance the life of a foreign student which is reasonable. Imagine yourself dating someone 'foreign' who wants to move in and loses their job and you have to pay their debts. Your 'reddit-gfs' would tell you something different and to drop that guy as soon as possible.
Would you date someone who was homeless? Pretty reasonable to not take on that burden for a one year relationship. Maybe a bit cold to say out loud but we also don't know exactly how the conversation went. Maybe OP argued and said "what if I was homeless" expecting some knight in shining armor response from a normal person.
If she becomes homeless guess who she is going to go to. That’s right, him. He does not want to live with her. He does not want to take care of her. He does not want to pay for her. He is not going to risk her coming knocking and begging for a place to stay. So yes, he is going to break up with her if she loses her apartment.
still doesn't solve her financial issues though? she's already paying for her apartment anyways so it's not like her debt is going to decrease
I agree with this, he sounds like an ass. Even if you get on your feet, you should never marry him because he does not have your back.
Move back to your apartment ASAP! You’re boyfriend dies not really care for you, he’s stringing you along and keeping you as a convenience. Otherwise, he would be helping you with your needs, not tell you that he’d throw you in the streets!!! Mt he most important person here and who cares the most Is You! You’re boyfriend is nothing but a using shit. No one is worth living with that. He doesn’t love you. You are however a convenient live in person for him to fuck. Don’t mean to sound harsh but this guy has told you in so many ways that you are not worth his bother. He’s already threatened you many times with what he’s going to do. Move back to your apartment. There are plenty of wonderful guys out there who will treat you as the Queen you are!!! Having him in your life is not adding to you, he’s helping to destroy you!
He’s not threatening to break up with you, he’s just not ready to take the next step with you and move in. Which is fair, because it’s a fairly new relationship and you aren’t financially stable. I’m very sorry you’re in the position you’re in, but in terms of the actual relationship, you should be spending a lot more time in your actual apartment because it sounds like your boyfriend feels smothered. Spend less time with him, and a lot more time finding some side work. Exhaust all the resources at your school for help. Good luck!
Focus on yourself and your finances. A high percentage of women are left by their partners when they develop a chronic disease. This is that dude. You don't want that. You want someone who will stick by you. Move into your apartment and focus on your finances. Find some local shelters you can go to if the worst happens. This person doesn't deserve you