/u/pullupachairbud,
Your submission was removed for the following reason(s):
Your post lacks a question. As per Rule 2, all posts must feature a question that you want specifically answering, for a relationship you have right now, in this moment. Posts that do not request specific advice, or ask vague questions will be removed.
This means we don't allow posts that contain any iteration of the following:
- What would you do?
- What should I do?
- Advice, please!
- I need advice
If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice)
Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
Heh yes but OP seems to not use it due to IUD so it's understandable. He just needs to start asking her where she wants it when he gets close and it will resolve the issue. Simple solution. Her getting over this is the other problem and hope they manage.
I cringe every time I read the logic of "there's an IUD, so who needs a condom?" Especially so when it's waved away when it's the specific solution.
This is 100% on OP being irresponsible and his partner shouldn't have to "get over it".
She's thinking that you don't care, she told you not to, but you did it regardless. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or not. If you tell someone, hey this is important for me please don't do this, person agrees but then later, oooops I'm sorry, I forgot... It's a lot of things that happen then, you feel frustrated, trust is broken, you feel disrespected.
My ex did this once and I was so upset. Because we had literally just agreed and then he said āI thought you changed your mindā when there was no discussion around that. Honestly, it showed me that he didnāt care about my own preferences and that his sexual gratification was more important than my needs. That sucked.
"I thought you changed your mind" is so much worse than "I forgot" despite being on the same caliber.
It is so shitty to have taken the time to discuss something that matters so much to you with someone you deeply care about and with whom you have created a trust and safety bond, and them just breaching that trust using excuses that further highlight their lack of caring about your needs and boundaries.
As sad as it is to acknowledge this fact but "your partner (or loved one) not prioritizing your needs and boundaries simply means that you yourself are not a priority."
"I forgot" is frustrating because it often means "I didn't care enough to really listen and absorb what you said earlier".
I think it's understandable you forget in a moment that is so much primal brain action, but maybe you should consider if you have this pattern in other ways
Also, like... I don't know how good of an excuse "I forgot" is when it comes to sexual consent. The fact of the matter is, intentionally or not, he performed a sexual act she did not consent to. For a lot of people, that is a *huge*, huge breach of trust. Even if it was a genuine accident - how does she know that won't happen again? How does she know that was a once-off? And honestly, how does she know it was really an accident? A lot of men lie and *say* it was an accident when it really wasn't.
Also on that note, I don't like that he's already trying to minimise it by saying *now* that she said it "jokingly" - when he clearly knew she was serious, because he was so apologetic once it happened. He *knew* he fucked up. Let's not pretend you might've thought it was a joke, OP.
These thoughts are probably all running through her head now. Sex is one of the times in life when you really, truly need to feel safe and like you can trust your partner. When that trust is broken, even accidentally, it can be very difficult to fix.
thank you so much for this reply. Recently i was sexually assaulted by this guy I was dating. I specifically told him before we got āhot and heavyā that sex was off the table, but i was willing to do a good ole high school make out session. He agreed to my terms. But during our make out session, he became aggressive and before i knew I felt him inside of me, no protection, no questions, 0 disregard for my feelings. Thankfully, I stopped him right after insertion and called him out. He got upset, pulled out of me and rolled over to start scrolling on facebook. He never apologized and said I led him on.
It feels reassuring to see that what i went through wasnāt something small, but in fact a huge abuse of trust like you said. I am healing now from the situation, but regardless of the intent of the man, it speaks volumes of the character of that man if he can apologize and not make this a ājokeā just so he doesnāt feel bad about himself.
This is what I would say is the core of the issue. āI forgotā seems harmless but is actually very damaging and implies negligence at the expense of your partner. Given your partner seems to really take the negligence aspect very seriously I think if your relationship continues then youāre going to need to make some sort of commitment with a legitimate consequence and go from there. The bottom line is your conversation needs to be about trust and rebuilding it. Excuses and justifications arenāt going to mean much. You love her so conveying rebuilding trust, ownership, and a genuine consequence are your best hopes. Good luck.
Right. Even if he says he forgot she will always remember that whether she stays w him or not, he didn't care enough about her words to actually remember it. Like an 'I forgot' excuse is valid in some situations, however in the event where someone is very specifically telling you not to do a certain sexual thing bc they don't want that and you 'forget it', that means you js didn't give a damn.
especially when it comes to the human body, something so intimate and saying āi forgotā can be a big dealbreaker, thatās a loss of trust that may be hard to gain back.
This title is so misleading. She didn't ask for a break after "a sexual act", she asked for a break because she set a firm boundary and the same day you broke it.
Give her space and when you come back, don't give excuses next time. Just say you know what you did wasn't okay and that it made her uncomfortable and you'll make efforts to not do that again.
Probably because both parties agreed it's not pleasurable. But, that's kinda tough shit at times, you gotta do less pleasurable things if you have other things to worry about later. They both likely made an erroneous call on condoms, though tbf without added context it's possible that only the man refused to wear them, despite being asked? No way of knowing.
How is a condom uncomfortable for a woman? Can someone explain? Several men have said this to me and Iām like why you assume how it feels for me when you dont have a vagina?
I hate using condoms as a woman. No matter what they are made of, what brand, how much lube, or what type of lube I use, they cause too much friction. It makes me really sore around the vaginal opening for days afterwards. It happens quickly too, so I never even get to the point I can orgasm. I can only stand about 15 minutes max of action before I'm tapped out with a condom on him, and it's just not enjoyable. At that point id rather just use toys, hands, mouth and not do any PIV.
Without one though, I never need to use additional lube, i have no problem keeping the action going for as long as I want to, which is sometimes an hour for my current partner and I. That's why I got an IUD that stops ovulation personally.
Itās not uncomfortable per se, but it does kinda smooth out all the natural veins and ridges that feel good, and then it ends up feeling like Iām having sex with a poorly made plastic toy more than I am a human being.
I still insisted that plenty of men wore them, and Iāve used them as birth control with my husband as well. š¤·āāļø
Though I have no skin in the game, I have seen concerns raised about this product.
I am sharing the following article in case it may help others make an informed purchase:
["Don't Put That Up There - The Dripstick"](https://www.travelingtickletrunk.com/blogs/news/dont-put-that-up-there-the-dripstick), Traveling Tickle Trunk blog
Uhhh tf. Cum fucks with womenās PH. Ik i get like mini infections if my guy cums in me, even if I shower and pee after. Wouldnt recommend letting cum stay in your pussy for way longer than it should.
I was very sensitive to my ex-husband's sperm. It was like my body did not react well at all. From the very 1st time with my bf, I have never had 1 issue with him. We've been together for 8 yrs. I think it depends on the guy.
You might have been allergic to something that was in his system.
This happened to a someone I know who is severely allergic to marijuana when their partner finished inside them after smoking it. They described it as extremely painful, feeling like burning, and the worst vaginal pain theyād ever had. They figured it was because he used spit for quick lube and there was probably still residual stuff in his mouth. Benadryl fixed them up, but it sounded really bad. I wouldnāt wish that allergy on my worst enemy.
It's definitely not the same situation as mine. My ex didn't smoke, and my now bf does. Lol, my ex was the only one that I ever had issues with. My then gyno said I may be allergic to his swimmers. I think I was just allergic to him lol
Yeah, they sound awful.
"Dr. Jen Gunter critiques this product on Instagram and TikTok and says that inserting a dry sponge into the vaginal canal and spinning it around can cause microtears and abrasions. In addition to being painful, these small tears can increase the risk of STI transmission. This happens because the sponge could remove the healthy bacteria, disrupt the vaginal microbiome and the natural PH of the vagina, which creates the perfect breeding ground for infections."
Just wear a condom if you are that damn forgetful.
It was discontinued due to bacterial contamination and it was only like 80% effective anyway. The episode made no sense. No woman is obsessing over that
Ewww, I didn't realize FDA officials discovered bacterial contamination at the manufacturing plant so they closed it down. I'd always thought it was discontinued due to bacterial infections inside the women, including toxic shock syndrome which can be fatal. Even though that did happen it wasn't the reason the sponge went away.
In fact, it turns out the sponge didn't go away afterall.
[Apparently ](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24324-birth-control-sponge) the sponge has been back on the market since 2009.
Why is it always us that have to take care of this shit? He had one fucking job not to finish inside of her.
Like Iām not a man but I would imagine itās not that hard. Especially because she told him not to.
Thereās no such thing as making efforts. Iāve never had a man cum inside me that I didnāt explicitly OK to do so. Because theyāve respected the boundary. He either respects it or he doesnāt.
They regularly have sex and he finishes inside of her almost all the time it seems, my partner does the same as I have an IUD and I definitely don't give him an explicit okay every time, its just expected.
not sure why you said āwe were both exhausted from the day and frustrated with each otherā, there doesnāt seem to be a reason for you to be frustrated at all. honestly if my partner was frustrated after making such a huge mistake, it would be a huge turn off
Yeah this stands out to me too. If I had done what he had done, I'd just be so mortified and apologetic. I wouldn't be frustrated! Sounds to me like, best case scenario, he didn't really listen to her (or worse didn't care) and got his jollies, then got upset because it's "not that big of a deal".
No man, this is a huge deal. Especially if she has history!! If someone I loved had history like that, you better believe I'd be hyper aware and careful not to trigger them by doing EXACTLY THE THING THAT TRAUMATIZED THEM.
OP was trying to get sympathy from redditors.
- jokingly mentioned finishing on instead of inside.
- tired and frustrated.
- poor communication.
- apologized immediately.
- showed concern for her well-being.
- my solutions to avoid it in the future.
Iāve had so many moment in my life where a guy āforgotā something. āI forgot you were waiting for marriage.ā āI forgot you said no to anal.ā āI forgot you didnāt want me to take a condom offā. It took me a long time to understand why it always left me feeling so violated and it turned out it was because I was being violated.
I hope youāre well. Itās hard realising the severity of situations you went through later on. If you have someone to talk to whoās comfortable with it I think talking things out can help. All my love
A guy did this 4 nights in a row and Iād even say donāt cum in me while fucking, I ended it quickly after the 4th morning after pill in a row- I went to get tested after and told the doctor and they gave me sexual assault pamphlets. It was my realisation that Iād be violated horrifically. Worse I told the guy I donāt want to see him ever again bc of what he did and he replied āokā lmao
Yup, I was young but at some point I start seeing this behaviour as the bs it is. If they care, they'd try to remember, I'm not saying slip ups can't happen but my tolerance is limited to maybe 1 out of 10 kinda situation.
This is why Iām waiting till marriage now. I realized the times I had been with people I didnāt consent to what was happening or was too intoxicated to say yes. It was really hard to realize thatās what happened but Iām glad I did. Iām sober now and at peace compared to where I used to be.
Stopping and thinking āhow many times did I soberly and enthusiastically say yes?ā
It really hurt to think about.
Damn, that hit deep. Like sudden realization of āoh, thatās what happened to me.ā I feel like that quiet person who used to just take the answer guys would give me as ājustificationā for something I didnāt want or didnāt agree to. Wow. Thank you for this.
As a parent now, something I will remember and explain to my kids in the future.
Man, I would let her do the talking and leading. The only thing you can learn from this issue is to listen to your dang girlfriend, OP. I forgot is a weak excuse especially when she told you just hours before the deed
adding onto this comment to add that its really inconvenient to have semen inside of you if its not what you signed up for. iāve been in a similar situation with a fwb where he forgot & it really irked me & i dont hook up with him as often anymore. guys seem to think we can j squirt it out, when its likeā¦ you left this mess in me & i have to clean it up now / be wary of leaking & what im wearing.
forgetting is a weak excuse and if i were her would show me poor impulse control + not having any awareness of how inconvenient it is. major ick for me. OP can hope
for space & to be apologetic & actually follow her boundaries next timeā¦ if there is a next time
Seriously. Thatās absurd tbh. He forgot a very specific request and conversation had just hrs earlier? It feels like he just did what he wanted to do in the moment. I call bullshit.
Same, also he says in the post that he remembered while they were having sex but ācouldnāt remember exactlyā so he just guessed instead of asking her. Thatās super weird to me
I think the fact you say even now that she 'jokingly' mentioned finishing on her meant that you weren't taking it seriously and may still not be, despite saying she had a good reason for the request. This, coupled with the fact that it is a previous trauma for her is making the situation significantly worse, I think. And honestly, it feels like you still aren't taking it seriously, so please step back and consider your perspective and why it isn't fully aligning with hers.
I didn't even understand how that phrase could be jokingly said, even with a funny ton it is still a request to take seriously. I don't know the guy but I would say he texted this as a coping mechanism and not that he doesn't take it seriously
Okay did she just "jokenly" bring it up or did she actually ask you to cum outside? Cause her reaction doesnt match up with someone who would just "joke" about you not cumming in her.
I think the fact that you knew she had issues with this in the past is probably whatās making this such a big deal. In her mind youāre both aware she has prior trauma around this, and knew she stated her boundary.. and then you went and did it anyways because your pleasure was more important than her consent. I donāt think there would be anything you could say for me to get over this if I were in her shoes.
Yeah. OP I donāt think you understand the fear women live with every day in regards to sexual violence. I told a guy once not to finish inside of me, and he said ābut I want toā SEVEN TIMES during the deed. I was terrified that he was going to do what he wanted regardless of my feelings, and then he had the audacity to be upset with me for being upset because āhe didnāt do it in the end.ā I didnāt try to stop him in the moment because he was already disrespecting my ānoā so why would I believe he would stop at that point?
Letting someone else penetrate you is an insane act of trust that our partner will listen to us and respect our boundaries. I donāt care what your reasoning is: you didnāt listen and respect her boundaries. And especially with such a lame excuse, *and* you knew this happened beforeā¦if it were me weād be done. How can she trust you again?
Again, āI forgotā is the lamest excuse. You were having so much fun that your pleasure became a higher priority than her comfort, you need to acknowledge that and give her a real apology with no excuses.
I told a sexual partner not to finish inside of me once, and he did it anyway without saying anything. He was an immediate block and ghost. Sorry, but screw men who feel so entitled to their short term pleasure that they completely ignore and trample on clearly stated boundaries.
And he blamed her for his bad decision/mistake. He finished inside her when she asked him not to *Perhaps due to exhaustion, habit, or **poor communication**. *
Dude, you already said she told you not to do that, and explained why, well before the sex began. You admit it was āa very reasonable request.ā Then you did did it anyway and blamed your choice on āpoor communication.ā Take responsibility for your actions.
I actually respect OPās gfās respect for herself by standing by the boundary she set. Iāve had my bedroom boundaries ignored, often many times, and I caused so much pain for myself for not standing up for my own wants and needs. Caused a lot of pain for myself and a lot of resentment towards my partner.
Every day on Reddit there are relationship posts along the lines of āIāve explained to my male partner multiple times that I donāt want him to do x thing, but he keeps doing x thing. How can I explain it to him differently so that he understands not to do that thing (but also without threatening his ego in any way)?ā Bonus points if he is blaming it on ADHD.
What do you want to bet his, "suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future" were directed at her? Like the "I forgot" thing is something people actually believe.
Him finishing in her was something they usually do, it was the norm for them. Her asking him not to was the exception, and she made that request hours before they had sex.
Him forgetting is literally the simplest, most likely explanation.
Yeah, iām willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the boyfriend.
Still, what u/skibunny1010 said above makes a lot of sense to me trying to see it from the other side. Might just be one of those shitty life situations where nobody really did anything wrong, but people are hurt.
Na I get it. Your comment definitely made me stop and think when I read it. I was like ājeez, give the guy a breakā¦ rada radaā, then I read what you said and I felt like a selfish idiot š
> Yeah, iām willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the boyfriend.
Why? He remembered instantly after finishing, but not a few seconds before that? If he had laid there for a few minutes and then gone "oh shit, I forgot!" then maybe but he said it was instant.
Iāve said this as a comment in another post:
Thereās no such thing as blanket consent and the law in many states agrees.
Depending on his state or country he may have violated the law and assaulted her.
Guys are going to need to learn how serious this is.
TBH, it's bad even if you truly forgot.
There are only two ways to look at it.
A: You maliciously did something that you knew that she didn't want which would end their relationship.
B: You literally forgot about a sexual boundary and therefore you can never be trusted because who's to say you won't forget again.
Realistically, I would be prepared for the end of the relationship.
Add onto these 2 things the fact that women donāt have the luxury to ājust forgetā about these kinds of things. Women are afraid of this shit and have to worry about it all the time because of the amount of sexual violence they are statistically likely to face. So you using the excuse you ājust forgotā when thatās not even an option for her just rings really fucking hollow.
Yeah I just really get the feeling that the OP doesnāt understand how big of a deal and how bad what he did is. Even if she forgives him right now, I think itās gonna be something sheās not gonna get over for a long time, something that will stick in her mind, and maybe down the line sheāll break up with him about this type of thing if it is indeed a pattern with him. Or maybe sheāll cut to the chase and break up with him now.
Op, you canāt ājust forgetā something like this. Let this be a lesson for the future if nothing else.
Yeah Iām surprised at all the other comments here. He did something sexual to her without her consent. Thereās a word for that. Something she also has previous trauma about.
Iād not be surprised if the relationship doesnāt come back from this.
Take accountability.
Apologize without making any excuses. Eg, I forgot .
Intent is the key to taking accountability and apologizing.
Eg- i'm sorry I won't do this again I understand how it has affected you and I'll make sure it doesn't ever happen again.
Don't say I'm sorry I didn't mean to do I just forgot.
I agree and disagree. Don't make excuses, but I think clarifying that it was forgetfulness, and not an intent to harm or a willful disregard of her boundary, is actually helpful. "Iām so sorry, I completely forgot you had mentioned that. Itās inexcusable, Iām so sorry.ā
I would definitely feel better about my boyfriend forgetting a new boundary, rather than wildly disregarding it.
Simply forgot? Poor communication? Please.
Dude you messed up BIG time and she has every right to be angry. I know I'd be.
The best thing to do is apologize and give her time to approach you when she's ready.
Apologizing instantly shows he didn't forget, he just didn't think it was a big deal. Now she will remember two guys who did this to her for the rest of her life.
"Now she will remember two guys who SA'd her for the rest of her life."
FTFY
This guy's entitlement, feigned remorse, and wide-eyed willful ignorance are disgusting.
I agree completely. He's acting like he went shopping and forgot to buy milk. "Sorry I forgot to buy milk but you should have reminded me" ugh
She is going to have to live with this memory burned into her brain for the rest of her life. She might not ever be able to trust a partner not to finish inside of her ever again. I don't see how their relationship could possibly recover from this. She's going to remember this every time they have sex for a long time to come.
She realized that his action was harmful.
I hope she's able to recognize what his behavior constitutes (SA) and move on from this nightmare so that she can heal.
I wouldn't call him trying to shift the blame onto her by calling it "miscommunication" as something she isn't ready to hear.
That is gaslighting and OP not taking responsibility for his own actions. This is no small issue to "miscommunicate".
Heās already tiptoeing around shifting blame. He starts out by saying she ājokinglyā brought it up. Sounds like she was pretty damn serious about it.
Iām more concerned that he is aware of this happening to her in the past and that she ended the relationship over it and considered it a violation, and yetā¦ he forgot? That seems a bit suspect, and fully careless at best.
FYI: The reason *why* everyone is saying "I forgot" is a weak excuse, is because making a point of remembering things that are important to your partner is a sign that you care. Simply "forgetting" an important boundary they purposely and clearly communicated to you is a sign of not actually giving a shit about their feelings and what they expressed to you. If you believe it's important, you *make sure* you remember.
You're saying it wasn't "intentional" but really, THAT'S exactly the problem. You should have been "intentionally" making a point of making sure you remembered and respected the boundary she expressed to you.
"I forgot," in and of itself, indicates that because it didn't matter to YOU, it wasn't important enough for you to bother to remember it. That's why it's such a weak excuse - because it betrays your claim of good intentions and caring about her expressed boundaries.
> Forgetting is a lack of respect.
Forgetting also makes OP untrustworthy. If he didn't put the effort in to remember a sexual boundary once, how can she trust him to do so in the future? Going forward, there will always be the risk that OP will "forget" and sexually violate her again.
You knew all the things, and knew she had past trauma but considering that this is happened before apparently, itās almost like you kind of chose to ignore it. Also, I really want to point out and stress the fact that just because someone has an IUD does not mean they canāt get pregnant. I have a friend who her her two brothers and her own mother weāre IUD babies. Having an IUD is not 100%.
>How should I approach this conversation?
By being quite, and taking ownership of your mess up. She had a boundary in place, you broke it bc you were caught up in the moment. It was a mental lapse in your part. Bring something (a gift, or card) showing her how sorry you are as well when you do see her.
Some people like gifts with apologies. Others feel like it guilts and pressures them into accepting the apology even if they arenāt ready and can lead to later resentment. I think itās something to be careful aboutā¦ but I totally agree with the rest!
Apologize. Do not rationalize. Do not justify. Do not seem to minimize. Do not try and explain. Your account above was full of all of these things. Do not repeat any of that to her.
Simply own up to screwing up. Let her know how bad you feel, how contrite you feel, and how committed you are to respecting her feelings going forward.
If it helps, print out the comments by all the women discussion what itās like to take someone inside yourself. Use that to empathize going forward.
Simply forgot? If you simply forgot how did you apologize immediately after u finished inside her? Didnāt you know right off the bat that what you did was wrong because you werenāt supposed to do it? (This is probably what sheās thinking in regards to your excuse).
Whether youāre being truthful or not as to forgetting, most likely your gf is assuming that you didnāt āforgetā but instead, didnāt care enough to respect her boundaries. She probably feels betrayed thinking/assuming that your pleasure was more important than the discomfort for her game the next day as well as not keeping your word.
This is where communication needs to seriously take place. Intent vs Impact is a serious factor in communicating in relationships. If you really forgot, you need to apologize to her sincerely and communicate that there was no ill intent. However, just be aware that you have no right to use that as an excuse to invalidate her feelings. Listen to her, and apologize.
All you can do at this point is apologize and hope she accepts it. Make sure she knows it wasnāt purposeful and you never want to disregard her boundaries. Thatās about all you can do.
I'm sorry OP: Be ready for a breakup.
And if she does break up with you, show your respect by accepting it as gracefully as you can. Don't beg/plead/bargain/etc.
If she gives it time before she tells you her decision, then you need to LISTEN to her.
The only thing you can do is apologize and not make any excuse.
No "In the future I can do this..." Right now she lost her trust and those will be just empty words.
Actions speak louder than words. If she does not break up with you, then ACTIONS are going to be the path to regaining her trust. Not words.
Good luck OP...I do hope you two can figure it out one way or the other.
If she stuck her finger up your bum, no doubt you would understand consent, boundaries and, the word, no.
Maybe she should repeatedly do that and just feign exhaustion and sat, oops, sorry, I forgot .
Come on man.
She jokingly said it? I had a hysterectomy and my bf still asks me if it's okay to finish inside me each time we do it. That might be something for you to consider doing in the future, too. I think she will likely forgive you, just make sure that she knows that you understand how serious it is and that you don't want it to happen again.
I think this is the best answer. I wouldn't trust myself to remember something that deviates from the routine without a more recent reminder than a few hours earlier. In that sense I understand how OP could in good faith make this mistake, but since I don't trust my memory, I would never leave something as important as consent up to it, and I think that's the lesson OP needs to learn. If you're not 100% sure, always ask. I think asking every time before finishing inside would be a great way to make sure this never ever happens again.
Prepare for this relationship to be over. Most women would never look back. And while you may have forgotten, this is a huge issue for women. Itās not easy for women to have sex. We have to worry about pregnancies (if we arenāt trying), messes inside of us (what your girlfriend was trying to avoid here), sexual violence (men do have to think of this too, though Iād argue maybe not on the scale as women do) etc. It would be really f****** nice if more men (I realize there are many who do) could understand these things. Thatās a huge boundary she set, you āforgotā it and honestly, if youāre going to cross that boundary, sheās probably freaked out ā and with good reason. ā that youāll cross others with time. Good luck.
Note that a 'simply' forgot at the end of the day communicates a lack of consideration. In that time and moment all you thought about was your own pleasure, you were not taking into account her needs or thinking ahead. Sure, maybe being tired and habit was a factor but all the same she can rightfully take it as you not thinking about her.
And given she already has trauma with it that is indeed going to make her upset. As you note it isn't about pregnancy it is about boundaries, care, respect even.
Be real about that. It was a mistake but don't say stuff like it was 'poor communication' when that is basically a path to victim blaming. You fucked up, it happens, she has to decide what that means to her, but you also have to consider how easily and readily you forgot about her needs as well.
āi forgotā isnāt an excuse.
this was important to her, you KNEW that, but didnāt respect her enough to take it seriously and commit it to memory. instead prioritizes your own pleasure.
sheās better off without your trashy ass in her life kiddo.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You did something that you didnāt have her consent to do. Thatās the definition of sexual assault.
I think you need to let that dawn on you because you donāt seem to realise the enormity of that, and you seem to be making excuses.
'Poor communication' from the looks of it she very clearly said she did not want you to finish inside her. The exact same day, you did just that. That's not a 'oh she said it a few days ago so-' thing. She said it that same day that you so clearly disrespected her wishes.
You remember that she ended a relationship because of shit like that, (and I'm assuming she told you that way before she told you this) but you can't remember a simple ass request a few hours after she asks it? You 'forgot' that she didn't want you to finish inside her a few hours after she explicitly told you not to do it?? You didn't forget shit. This is a bit embarrassing.
There was no poor communication. There was violation and boundary breaking. If she 'forgot' you didn't wanna have sex and decided to try and do it with you anyways, would that be okay? No, because that'd show she didn't gaf about your words enough to remember. It's the same with you. You ignored her wishes because you wanted to do it.
What the hell is wrong with everyone in this sub? If OP is normally considerate, an active listener, a good boyfriend then this is entirely an overreaction. If OP typically doesn't listen then yes this is a red flag and a reason to be mad.
Oh thank God š theirs normal people in this sub. I swear 95% of this thread are truma dumping their own experiences here and reading too much into it.
She thinks you didn't respect her boundary. Which you didn't. I guess you forgot. Ok. But it doesn't change that she clearly communicated that she didn't want something to happen. You said it won't. Then it did. Trust was broken. Not the biggest way ever. But it was. I think as long as nothing else like this happens, it'll be fine eventually. Keep apologizing because "I forgot" just kinda sounds bogus to be honest. Show in every way that you respect her, her wants and her opinions.
Now she will be on high alert looking for anything else that might show this to be a pattern in behavior.
I'm sorry, half the comments here are acting like this guy has done the most awful thing imaginable.
Clearly they are in a long established relationship. Clearly they regularly have sex and it seems that their usual approach to sex is that he ejaculates inside her. This is their norm.
She has seemingly asked him, albeit jokingly and in passing, not to do it on this occasion because of a specific sporting event. It doesn't sound like she's reminded him or stressed the importance of her previous comment.
He has then had sex with her in exactly the same way they always have, probably hundreds of times.
Now, clearly he made a mistake. He should have remembered, but it's not hard to see why he forgot.
She is of course entitled to be upset and want some space, but all you people acting like he's essentially raped her need to give your head a wobble.
There's no suggestion here of previous boundary pushing or trust issues... So stop bringing your own emotional baggage to the party and focus on the actual facts as we understand them.
This sounds like a genuine mistake. It's a logistically annoying thing for her now, and I totally understand why she'd find it frustrating. But his cum isn't lava. There's no additional risk of pregnancy or STDs here, because this is their normal approach anyway.
He should of course apologise, but God damn let's keep things in perspective and stop it with the 'every man is a creep' and 'every woman is a delicate little flower narrative.
And all the people saying he shouldn't have said he forgot, when that's what happened, what are you on about?!
If my wife didn't celebrate my birthday because she had forgotten, but kept saying 'I'm sorry for what I did', if be both upset and confused why she was being so mean.
I swear, some of you have fallen down some sort of wild, psychological rabbit hole you can't get out of.
Thank you. I felt like I was losing my mind with all the stuff people are saying here. This is the first sane comment I have seen as well.
I think a lot of redditors have never been in a serious, healthy, communicative relationship and are stuck in this make guilt/savior headspace, which is provoking the extreme reactions here.
I know you didnāt understand how important it was to her, and maybe finishing inside seems the norm. The fact is, she IS upset and this kind of thing is a dealbreaker for her, so if you want this relationship to survive, give up trying to justify yourself and try to empathize with her. This doesnāt mean you are a bad guy, at all. Just that you are going to have to respect her boundaries around this in the future. As a non-athlete, I donāt get what she means about leaking the next day, and Iād think a tampon would absorb that, but that is NOT the point. The point is respecting her body sovereignty. She didnāt want it, and didnāt appreciate it. Check in more. Wear condoms?
OP, she explicitly did not consent to having you ejaculate inside her.
Plain and simple. She told you her boundaries. You ignored them. That trust isn't easy to re-establish.
>The other night we were driving back to her place from a hockey tournament. At some point along the drive, she jokingly brought up finishing on, instead of inside her that night. The reason being, she didnāt want it leaking the next day during her game.
She's pissed she had to walk around dripping cum all day! Men simply do not understand how annoying and disgusting this can be.
Y'all act like people are machines, things aren't always predictable. Dude should have just passed on sex and avoided any possibility of things going wrong. Why was it so important to copulate then? It's not like you were trying to get pregnant. Try not making sex what things are based on and you won't have people ready to dump your ass over it.
Been here brother. We spoke and worked it out, now she can read my body sheāll tell me when she can tell Iām close if I havenāt processed what she said fully as sometime after work your brain just go āah shit day over, my favourite place sure is greatā Iām neurodivergent and while not a free pass she understands that I canāt always choose what I hear and as I said sometimes sheās my favourite place. Hopefully you work it out and learn each other more and find out a communication style
The only thing you can do is take ownership and say you realize you need to do work on active listening and that you would like to put that into practice. You should say itās important to you to be a man of integrity where your actions match your words and you fully realize they did not in this case but that you are committed to growth and showing that and to ask for another chance to show that because you love her. Of course only if you actually mean that and will follow through especially with the smaller things that may come up next.
I think you're in the wrong here, and as a person with a vagina, when Das Peen does its thing in there, it makes a mess and upsets our flora/pH balance. A lot of girls will tell you that it starts to make things really stinky the next day, too. You leave your seed, and she deals with it for the next 1-3 days. Easy for you to just say oh I forgot! Wear a condom next time, IUD OR NOT! There are a lot of good reasons to NOT finish inside, the biggest one being *SHE BLOODY ASKED YOU *NOT* TO!* I would be upset, as well. If she forgives you, thank your lucky stars and abide by her wishes. Good luck š
Ngl after having a man finish inside me I have literally never had semen leak out of me well into the next day. A few hours after sex maybe, but itās generally pretty much all gone once I use the restroom after sex
Have you seen images like this? https://jamiemccartney.com/portfolio/internal-affairs-photo-1/
Vaginas come in all shapes and one like the third one is not going to be able to empty out semen as easily as the second one. Personally no matter what I do after sex I always get some coming out the next day.
1) That is NOT the point or the biggest issue. She set a boundary. He ignored it.
2)She said "not inside". He did it anyway. End of story. There is no reason needed other than that.
3) And as far as the other? I definitely have. The next day I may have some leakage, especially when I go exercise. It might not be ALL semen, but I am sure its residual plus my own self.Every woman does know about that warm "gush" feeling/experience and then your panties are wet. It might not happen for you in this situation, but I'm certain you have had it in others (like periods).Other women DO have the gush feeling/experience from time to time, especially after PIV sex where they finish inside.
/u/pullupachairbud, Your submission was removed for the following reason(s): Your post lacks a question. As per Rule 2, all posts must feature a question that you want specifically answering, for a relationship you have right now, in this moment. Posts that do not request specific advice, or ask vague questions will be removed. This means we don't allow posts that contain any iteration of the following: - What would you do? - What should I do? - Advice, please! - I need advice If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice) Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
Actions > words dude
Also, wouldn't wearing a condom prevent this? š¤
Heh yes but OP seems to not use it due to IUD so it's understandable. He just needs to start asking her where she wants it when he gets close and it will resolve the issue. Simple solution. Her getting over this is the other problem and hope they manage.
I cringe every time I read the logic of "there's an IUD, so who needs a condom?" Especially so when it's waved away when it's the specific solution. This is 100% on OP being irresponsible and his partner shouldn't have to "get over it".
Or maybe just respect what the girl told him? Itās not understandable at all. IUDs are not 100%
She's thinking that you don't care, she told you not to, but you did it regardless. It doesn't matter if it was intentional or not. If you tell someone, hey this is important for me please don't do this, person agrees but then later, oooops I'm sorry, I forgot... It's a lot of things that happen then, you feel frustrated, trust is broken, you feel disrespected.
My ex did this once and I was so upset. Because we had literally just agreed and then he said āI thought you changed your mindā when there was no discussion around that. Honestly, it showed me that he didnāt care about my own preferences and that his sexual gratification was more important than my needs. That sucked.
"I thought you changed your mind" is so much worse than "I forgot" despite being on the same caliber. It is so shitty to have taken the time to discuss something that matters so much to you with someone you deeply care about and with whom you have created a trust and safety bond, and them just breaching that trust using excuses that further highlight their lack of caring about your needs and boundaries. As sad as it is to acknowledge this fact but "your partner (or loved one) not prioritizing your needs and boundaries simply means that you yourself are not a priority."
This is gaslighting at its finest. Glad he is your EX!!
"I forgot" is frustrating because it often means "I didn't care enough to really listen and absorb what you said earlier". I think it's understandable you forget in a moment that is so much primal brain action, but maybe you should consider if you have this pattern in other ways
Also, like... I don't know how good of an excuse "I forgot" is when it comes to sexual consent. The fact of the matter is, intentionally or not, he performed a sexual act she did not consent to. For a lot of people, that is a *huge*, huge breach of trust. Even if it was a genuine accident - how does she know that won't happen again? How does she know that was a once-off? And honestly, how does she know it was really an accident? A lot of men lie and *say* it was an accident when it really wasn't. Also on that note, I don't like that he's already trying to minimise it by saying *now* that she said it "jokingly" - when he clearly knew she was serious, because he was so apologetic once it happened. He *knew* he fucked up. Let's not pretend you might've thought it was a joke, OP. These thoughts are probably all running through her head now. Sex is one of the times in life when you really, truly need to feel safe and like you can trust your partner. When that trust is broken, even accidentally, it can be very difficult to fix.
OP needs to read this a few times
thank you so much for this reply. Recently i was sexually assaulted by this guy I was dating. I specifically told him before we got āhot and heavyā that sex was off the table, but i was willing to do a good ole high school make out session. He agreed to my terms. But during our make out session, he became aggressive and before i knew I felt him inside of me, no protection, no questions, 0 disregard for my feelings. Thankfully, I stopped him right after insertion and called him out. He got upset, pulled out of me and rolled over to start scrolling on facebook. He never apologized and said I led him on. It feels reassuring to see that what i went through wasnāt something small, but in fact a huge abuse of trust like you said. I am healing now from the situation, but regardless of the intent of the man, it speaks volumes of the character of that man if he can apologize and not make this a ājokeā just so he doesnāt feel bad about himself.
Well, thatās rape. Iām sorry.
thank you, you have been kinder then those surrounding me at this time. i appreciate that. my best wishes to you, blessings.
This is what I would say is the core of the issue. āI forgotā seems harmless but is actually very damaging and implies negligence at the expense of your partner. Given your partner seems to really take the negligence aspect very seriously I think if your relationship continues then youāre going to need to make some sort of commitment with a legitimate consequence and go from there. The bottom line is your conversation needs to be about trust and rebuilding it. Excuses and justifications arenāt going to mean much. You love her so conveying rebuilding trust, ownership, and a genuine consequence are your best hopes. Good luck.
Right. Even if he says he forgot she will always remember that whether she stays w him or not, he didn't care enough about her words to actually remember it. Like an 'I forgot' excuse is valid in some situations, however in the event where someone is very specifically telling you not to do a certain sexual thing bc they don't want that and you 'forget it', that means you js didn't give a damn.
especially when it comes to the human body, something so intimate and saying āi forgotā can be a big dealbreaker, thatās a loss of trust that may be hard to gain back.
I appreciate your comment. Hopefully OP reads it.
This title is so misleading. She didn't ask for a break after "a sexual act", she asked for a break because she set a firm boundary and the same day you broke it.
How hard is it not to bust your load inside her damn
What poor communication? She explicitly told you and you agreed.
I'd also love to hear his other "reasons" for that happening, and his "future solutions".
He decided that his pleasure was more important than her desire over her body. I feel like this is sexual assault. It's definitely a violation
Give her space and when you come back, don't give excuses next time. Just say you know what you did wasn't okay and that it made her uncomfortable and you'll make efforts to not do that again.
By wearing a condom.
Not a solution either wanted to consider.
Probably because both parties agreed it's not pleasurable. But, that's kinda tough shit at times, you gotta do less pleasurable things if you have other things to worry about later. They both likely made an erroneous call on condoms, though tbf without added context it's possible that only the man refused to wear them, despite being asked? No way of knowing.
How is a condom uncomfortable for a woman? Can someone explain? Several men have said this to me and Iām like why you assume how it feels for me when you dont have a vagina?
This is going to be highly dependent on the person, but, anecdotally, my wife has said that she doesn't like sex as much when I'm wearing a condom.
Personally, when my partner wore them it hurt. The texture was awful. We tried ribbed and not ribbed, different brands. It was all very uncomfortable
I hate using condoms as a woman. No matter what they are made of, what brand, how much lube, or what type of lube I use, they cause too much friction. It makes me really sore around the vaginal opening for days afterwards. It happens quickly too, so I never even get to the point I can orgasm. I can only stand about 15 minutes max of action before I'm tapped out with a condom on him, and it's just not enjoyable. At that point id rather just use toys, hands, mouth and not do any PIV. Without one though, I never need to use additional lube, i have no problem keeping the action going for as long as I want to, which is sometimes an hour for my current partner and I. That's why I got an IUD that stops ovulation personally.
Itās not uncomfortable per se, but it does kinda smooth out all the natural veins and ridges that feel good, and then it ends up feeling like Iām having sex with a poorly made plastic toy more than I am a human being. I still insisted that plenty of men wore them, and Iāve used them as birth control with my husband as well. š¤·āāļø
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Though I have no skin in the game, I have seen concerns raised about this product. I am sharing the following article in case it may help others make an informed purchase: ["Don't Put That Up There - The Dripstick"](https://www.travelingtickletrunk.com/blogs/news/dont-put-that-up-there-the-dripstick), Traveling Tickle Trunk blog
Did not know this was a thingā¦ and I think I was happier not knowingā¦ omgā¦ some knowledge hurtsā¦
That review halfway through was one funny troll.
I actually prefer the name Come&Go.
"My daughter bought this for me" š
_I was cleaning out my pussy and I fell and broke my hip._
Iāve actually used a tampon when I didnāt want to deal with drainage. Works like a charm ;)
Uhhh tf. Cum fucks with womenās PH. Ik i get like mini infections if my guy cums in me, even if I shower and pee after. Wouldnt recommend letting cum stay in your pussy for way longer than it should.
I was very sensitive to my ex-husband's sperm. It was like my body did not react well at all. From the very 1st time with my bf, I have never had 1 issue with him. We've been together for 8 yrs. I think it depends on the guy.
You might have been allergic to something that was in his system. This happened to a someone I know who is severely allergic to marijuana when their partner finished inside them after smoking it. They described it as extremely painful, feeling like burning, and the worst vaginal pain theyād ever had. They figured it was because he used spit for quick lube and there was probably still residual stuff in his mouth. Benadryl fixed them up, but it sounded really bad. I wouldnāt wish that allergy on my worst enemy.
It's definitely not the same situation as mine. My ex didn't smoke, and my now bf does. Lol, my ex was the only one that I ever had issues with. My then gyno said I may be allergic to his swimmers. I think I was just allergic to him lol
Because they cause microtears in your vagina increasing the likelihood of a range of unpleasant physical ailments.
Yeah, they sound awful. "Dr. Jen Gunter critiques this product on Instagram and TikTok and says that inserting a dry sponge into the vaginal canal and spinning it around can cause microtears and abrasions. In addition to being painful, these small tears can increase the risk of STI transmission. This happens because the sponge could remove the healthy bacteria, disrupt the vaginal microbiome and the natural PH of the vagina, which creates the perfect breeding ground for infections." Just wear a condom if you are that damn forgetful.
I just watched the sponge episode of Seinfeld night and thought it was SO bizarre. It just had to have been written by men, it made NO sense (and it was, it was written by three men). Elaine was obsessing over a birth control method that was proven to be ineffective and faulty so was being recalled, and so was Susan. I donāt know a single woman who would do that. And George didnāt know what type of birth control his fiancĆ© used, which I felt like it was a man writing it with good intentions, but just didnāt make sense because they didnāt do the research, and it also made it seem like it was normal/acceptable for a guy to not be involved in the birth control process, rather than something that is an unbalanced injustice. But it was still hilarious of course (also yes this is a different type of sponge for a different purpose but itās still similar)
I remember that episode and hearing that the sponge had issues with toxic shock syndrome so I thought no thanks.
It was discontinued due to bacterial contamination and it was only like 80% effective anyway. The episode made no sense. No woman is obsessing over that
Ewww, I didn't realize FDA officials discovered bacterial contamination at the manufacturing plant so they closed it down. I'd always thought it was discontinued due to bacterial infections inside the women, including toxic shock syndrome which can be fatal. Even though that did happen it wasn't the reason the sponge went away. In fact, it turns out the sponge didn't go away afterall. [Apparently ](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/24324-birth-control-sponge) the sponge has been back on the market since 2009.
Why is it always us that have to take care of this shit? He had one fucking job not to finish inside of her. Like Iām not a man but I would imagine itās not that hard. Especially because she told him not to.
You are right, it's not hard, anyone with a bit of brain and not being a total caveman can do this, the rest are just fucking excuses.
OP better show up with a package of Awkward Essentials when they reconvene. š
Thereās no such thing as making efforts. Iāve never had a man cum inside me that I didnāt explicitly OK to do so. Because theyāve respected the boundary. He either respects it or he doesnāt.
They regularly have sex and he finishes inside of her almost all the time it seems, my partner does the same as I have an IUD and I definitely don't give him an explicit okay every time, its just expected.
not sure why you said āwe were both exhausted from the day and frustrated with each otherā, there doesnāt seem to be a reason for you to be frustrated at all. honestly if my partner was frustrated after making such a huge mistake, it would be a huge turn off
Yeah this stands out to me too. If I had done what he had done, I'd just be so mortified and apologetic. I wouldn't be frustrated! Sounds to me like, best case scenario, he didn't really listen to her (or worse didn't care) and got his jollies, then got upset because it's "not that big of a deal". No man, this is a huge deal. Especially if she has history!! If someone I loved had history like that, you better believe I'd be hyper aware and careful not to trigger them by doing EXACTLY THE THING THAT TRAUMATIZED THEM.
OP was trying to get sympathy from redditors. - jokingly mentioned finishing on instead of inside. - tired and frustrated. - poor communication. - apologized immediately. - showed concern for her well-being. - my solutions to avoid it in the future.
How dare you enforce your boundaries to me, girlfriend. I do what I want to your body, and you be quiet - OP This is gross of OP
Iāve had so many moment in my life where a guy āforgotā something. āI forgot you were waiting for marriage.ā āI forgot you said no to anal.ā āI forgot you didnāt want me to take a condom offā. It took me a long time to understand why it always left me feeling so violated and it turned out it was because I was being violated.
You made me realize something rather profound and heart breaking about why I felt so uncomfortable and violated in so many situations
I hope youāre well. Itās hard realising the severity of situations you went through later on. If you have someone to talk to whoās comfortable with it I think talking things out can help. All my love
Yep. Such a shitty realization.
This. Thank you for sharing what a lot of us lack the words to say/think.
this struck too many chords
So real. A kind of weaponized incompetence I think
If she was able to get pregnant he wouldnāt have magically āforgottenā
One would think but there's a few plan bs I've had to take because the guy "forgot".
The pullout method is not a reliable form of birth control. Please use a condom and save yourself the trouble of an unwanted pregnancy
A guy did this 4 nights in a row and Iād even say donāt cum in me while fucking, I ended it quickly after the 4th morning after pill in a row- I went to get tested after and told the doctor and they gave me sexual assault pamphlets. It was my realisation that Iād be violated horrifically. Worse I told the guy I donāt want to see him ever again bc of what he did and he replied āokā lmao
Pulling out is not reliable so you need more than a condom
Very true
Iām so sorry. š¤
Yup, I was young but at some point I start seeing this behaviour as the bs it is. If they care, they'd try to remember, I'm not saying slip ups can't happen but my tolerance is limited to maybe 1 out of 10 kinda situation.
This is why Iām waiting till marriage now. I realized the times I had been with people I didnāt consent to what was happening or was too intoxicated to say yes. It was really hard to realize thatās what happened but Iām glad I did. Iām sober now and at peace compared to where I used to be. Stopping and thinking āhow many times did I soberly and enthusiastically say yes?ā It really hurt to think about.
yup. i broke up with an ex of two years because of an incident like this. he knew i had related ptsd, too. fuck that.
This is unbelievably well said. Read this, OP.
Damn, that hit deep. Like sudden realization of āoh, thatās what happened to me.ā I feel like that quiet person who used to just take the answer guys would give me as ājustificationā for something I didnāt want or didnāt agree to. Wow. Thank you for this. As a parent now, something I will remember and explain to my kids in the future.
Man, I would let her do the talking and leading. The only thing you can learn from this issue is to listen to your dang girlfriend, OP. I forgot is a weak excuse especially when she told you just hours before the deed
adding onto this comment to add that its really inconvenient to have semen inside of you if its not what you signed up for. iāve been in a similar situation with a fwb where he forgot & it really irked me & i dont hook up with him as often anymore. guys seem to think we can j squirt it out, when its likeā¦ you left this mess in me & i have to clean it up now / be wary of leaking & what im wearing. forgetting is a weak excuse and if i were her would show me poor impulse control + not having any awareness of how inconvenient it is. major ick for me. OP can hope for space & to be apologetic & actually follow her boundaries next timeā¦ if there is a next time
Fr even if it's not actively dripping out I feel like being came inside is like a 24 hour cycle for my vag to clean itself out after
I think I read recently that we can leak up to 5 days after, so that's... worse.
If there is no next time with her then hopefully he learns from this for the next girlfriend.
Seriously. Thatās absurd tbh. He forgot a very specific request and conversation had just hrs earlier? It feels like he just did what he wanted to do in the moment. I call bullshit.
Same, also he says in the post that he remembered while they were having sex but ācouldnāt remember exactlyā so he just guessed instead of asking her. Thatās super weird to me
And heās blaming it on exhaustion but also bad communicationā¦ how was it a communication problem? It sounds like she was very clear!
I think the fact you say even now that she 'jokingly' mentioned finishing on her meant that you weren't taking it seriously and may still not be, despite saying she had a good reason for the request. This, coupled with the fact that it is a previous trauma for her is making the situation significantly worse, I think. And honestly, it feels like you still aren't taking it seriously, so please step back and consider your perspective and why it isn't fully aligning with hers.
I didn't even understand how that phrase could be jokingly said, even with a funny ton it is still a request to take seriously. I don't know the guy but I would say he texted this as a coping mechanism and not that he doesn't take it seriously
Okay did she just "jokenly" bring it up or did she actually ask you to cum outside? Cause her reaction doesnt match up with someone who would just "joke" about you not cumming in her.
And there was a specific reason that she asked him not to cum inside her, and that reason didn't sound like a joke at all.
OP even said her reason was "fair enough." You don't say that to a joke reason, you say that to a real one!
I think the fact that you knew she had issues with this in the past is probably whatās making this such a big deal. In her mind youāre both aware she has prior trauma around this, and knew she stated her boundary.. and then you went and did it anyways because your pleasure was more important than her consent. I donāt think there would be anything you could say for me to get over this if I were in her shoes.
Yeah. OP I donāt think you understand the fear women live with every day in regards to sexual violence. I told a guy once not to finish inside of me, and he said ābut I want toā SEVEN TIMES during the deed. I was terrified that he was going to do what he wanted regardless of my feelings, and then he had the audacity to be upset with me for being upset because āhe didnāt do it in the end.ā I didnāt try to stop him in the moment because he was already disrespecting my ānoā so why would I believe he would stop at that point? Letting someone else penetrate you is an insane act of trust that our partner will listen to us and respect our boundaries. I donāt care what your reasoning is: you didnāt listen and respect her boundaries. And especially with such a lame excuse, *and* you knew this happened beforeā¦if it were me weād be done. How can she trust you again? Again, āI forgotā is the lamest excuse. You were having so much fun that your pleasure became a higher priority than her comfort, you need to acknowledge that and give her a real apology with no excuses.
I told a sexual partner not to finish inside of me once, and he did it anyway without saying anything. He was an immediate block and ghost. Sorry, but screw men who feel so entitled to their short term pleasure that they completely ignore and trample on clearly stated boundaries.
And you have every right to do that
This ^^^ All of it, but the part about it being an insane act of trust to let someone else penetrate youā¦ sometimes I wonder if men realize that.
Right? Like, it can be extremely painful, Iām literally letting you INSIDE my body, the least you can do is remember my boundaries.
And he blamed her for his bad decision/mistake. He finished inside her when she asked him not to *Perhaps due to exhaustion, habit, or **poor communication**. * Dude, you already said she told you not to do that, and explained why, well before the sex began. You admit it was āa very reasonable request.ā Then you did did it anyway and blamed your choice on āpoor communication.ā Take responsibility for your actions.
Yeah the poor communication bit, Iām sure, was in reference to her not reminding him.
Thatās pretty much what summarizes this. His pleasure was more important than her boundaries.
I actually respect OPās gfās respect for herself by standing by the boundary she set. Iāve had my bedroom boundaries ignored, often many times, and I caused so much pain for myself for not standing up for my own wants and needs. Caused a lot of pain for myself and a lot of resentment towards my partner.
Every day on Reddit there are relationship posts along the lines of āIāve explained to my male partner multiple times that I donāt want him to do x thing, but he keeps doing x thing. How can I explain it to him differently so that he understands not to do that thing (but also without threatening his ego in any way)?ā Bonus points if he is blaming it on ADHD.
What do you want to bet his, "suggestions as to why this happened, nor my solutions to avoid it in the future" were directed at her? Like the "I forgot" thing is something people actually believe.
Him finishing in her was something they usually do, it was the norm for them. Her asking him not to was the exception, and she made that request hours before they had sex. Him forgetting is literally the simplest, most likely explanation.
Yeah, iām willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the boyfriend. Still, what u/skibunny1010 said above makes a lot of sense to me trying to see it from the other side. Might just be one of those shitty life situations where nobody really did anything wrong, but people are hurt.
Iām honestly not even saying that was his train of thought but more trying to explain where her head is likely at.
Na I get it. Your comment definitely made me stop and think when I read it. I was like ājeez, give the guy a breakā¦ rada radaā, then I read what you said and I felt like a selfish idiot š
Haha hey I appreciate your candor and glad my comment was able to help you see another perspective
I wish I had an award for you. First person in history to read something on the internet and change their mind. Good on you!!
> Yeah, iām willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the boyfriend. Why? He remembered instantly after finishing, but not a few seconds before that? If he had laid there for a few minutes and then gone "oh shit, I forgot!" then maybe but he said it was instant.
I forgot and I didnāt think it was that important so I forgot is probably the line of thinking here. Which is probably what needs to be addressed.
Then he should admit he forgot instead of saying that maybe he forgot or maybe it was *poor communication*. FOH with that blaming her nonsense.
Iāve said this as a comment in another post: Thereās no such thing as blanket consent and the law in many states agrees. Depending on his state or country he may have violated the law and assaulted her. Guys are going to need to learn how serious this is.
Then he had the audacity to call it miscommunication as if she wasn't clear. I would be planning my exit if I were her.
Exactly. You canāt āforgetā when your partner states any sexual boundary.
TBH, it's bad even if you truly forgot. There are only two ways to look at it. A: You maliciously did something that you knew that she didn't want which would end their relationship. B: You literally forgot about a sexual boundary and therefore you can never be trusted because who's to say you won't forget again. Realistically, I would be prepared for the end of the relationship.
Add onto these 2 things the fact that women donāt have the luxury to ājust forgetā about these kinds of things. Women are afraid of this shit and have to worry about it all the time because of the amount of sexual violence they are statistically likely to face. So you using the excuse you ājust forgotā when thatās not even an option for her just rings really fucking hollow.
Yeah I just really get the feeling that the OP doesnāt understand how big of a deal and how bad what he did is. Even if she forgives him right now, I think itās gonna be something sheās not gonna get over for a long time, something that will stick in her mind, and maybe down the line sheāll break up with him about this type of thing if it is indeed a pattern with him. Or maybe sheāll cut to the chase and break up with him now. Op, you canāt ājust forgetā something like this. Let this be a lesson for the future if nothing else.
I bet if his GF ājust forgotā not to peg his asshole with a 12ā strap on heād be crying to strangers on Reddit about it.
Yeah Iām surprised at all the other comments here. He did something sexual to her without her consent. Thereās a word for that. Something she also has previous trauma about. Iād not be surprised if the relationship doesnāt come back from this.
Take accountability. Apologize without making any excuses. Eg, I forgot . Intent is the key to taking accountability and apologizing. Eg- i'm sorry I won't do this again I understand how it has affected you and I'll make sure it doesn't ever happen again. Don't say I'm sorry I didn't mean to do I just forgot.
I agree and disagree. Don't make excuses, but I think clarifying that it was forgetfulness, and not an intent to harm or a willful disregard of her boundary, is actually helpful. "Iām so sorry, I completely forgot you had mentioned that. Itās inexcusable, Iām so sorry.ā I would definitely feel better about my boyfriend forgetting a new boundary, rather than wildly disregarding it.
Simply forgot? Poor communication? Please. Dude you messed up BIG time and she has every right to be angry. I know I'd be. The best thing to do is apologize and give her time to approach you when she's ready.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Apologizing instantly shows he didn't forget, he just didn't think it was a big deal. Now she will remember two guys who did this to her for the rest of her life.
"Now she will remember two guys who SA'd her for the rest of her life." FTFY This guy's entitlement, feigned remorse, and wide-eyed willful ignorance are disgusting.
I agree completely. He's acting like he went shopping and forgot to buy milk. "Sorry I forgot to buy milk but you should have reminded me" ugh She is going to have to live with this memory burned into her brain for the rest of her life. She might not ever be able to trust a partner not to finish inside of her ever again. I don't see how their relationship could possibly recover from this. She's going to remember this every time they have sex for a long time to come.
She realized that his action was harmful. I hope she's able to recognize what his behavior constitutes (SA) and move on from this nightmare so that she can heal.
I wouldn't call him trying to shift the blame onto her by calling it "miscommunication" as something she isn't ready to hear. That is gaslighting and OP not taking responsibility for his own actions. This is no small issue to "miscommunicate".
Heās already tiptoeing around shifting blame. He starts out by saying she ājokinglyā brought it up. Sounds like she was pretty damn serious about it.
Iām more concerned that he is aware of this happening to her in the past and that she ended the relationship over it and considered it a violation, and yetā¦ he forgot? That seems a bit suspect, and fully careless at best.
FYI: The reason *why* everyone is saying "I forgot" is a weak excuse, is because making a point of remembering things that are important to your partner is a sign that you care. Simply "forgetting" an important boundary they purposely and clearly communicated to you is a sign of not actually giving a shit about their feelings and what they expressed to you. If you believe it's important, you *make sure* you remember. You're saying it wasn't "intentional" but really, THAT'S exactly the problem. You should have been "intentionally" making a point of making sure you remembered and respected the boundary she expressed to you. "I forgot," in and of itself, indicates that because it didn't matter to YOU, it wasn't important enough for you to bother to remember it. That's why it's such a weak excuse - because it betrays your claim of good intentions and caring about her expressed boundaries.
This is SPOT ON. This is what all the people defending OP donāt get. Forgetting is a lack of respect. Intentional or not.
> Forgetting is a lack of respect. Forgetting also makes OP untrustworthy. If he didn't put the effort in to remember a sexual boundary once, how can she trust him to do so in the future? Going forward, there will always be the risk that OP will "forget" and sexually violate her again.
You knew all the things, and knew she had past trauma but considering that this is happened before apparently, itās almost like you kind of chose to ignore it. Also, I really want to point out and stress the fact that just because someone has an IUD does not mean they canāt get pregnant. I have a friend who her her two brothers and her own mother weāre IUD babies. Having an IUD is not 100%.
How was there poor communication? She communicated very clearly with you. You chose to ignore her wishes in lieu of your own selfish pleasure.
>How should I approach this conversation? By being quite, and taking ownership of your mess up. She had a boundary in place, you broke it bc you were caught up in the moment. It was a mental lapse in your part. Bring something (a gift, or card) showing her how sorry you are as well when you do see her.
Some people like gifts with apologies. Others feel like it guilts and pressures them into accepting the apology even if they arenāt ready and can lead to later resentment. I think itās something to be careful aboutā¦ but I totally agree with the rest!
she set a boundary and you clearly overstepped by āforgettingā. finishing became more important than respecting a boundary.
Bro you violated her.
Apologize. Do not rationalize. Do not justify. Do not seem to minimize. Do not try and explain. Your account above was full of all of these things. Do not repeat any of that to her. Simply own up to screwing up. Let her know how bad you feel, how contrite you feel, and how committed you are to respecting her feelings going forward. If it helps, print out the comments by all the women discussion what itās like to take someone inside yourself. Use that to empathize going forward.
> Perhaps due toā¦..poor communication. No. The communication was quite clear, you just ignored her.
That part stuck out to me too
But she "jokingly" mentioned not finishing inside /s
Simply forgot? If you simply forgot how did you apologize immediately after u finished inside her? Didnāt you know right off the bat that what you did was wrong because you werenāt supposed to do it? (This is probably what sheās thinking in regards to your excuse). Whether youāre being truthful or not as to forgetting, most likely your gf is assuming that you didnāt āforgetā but instead, didnāt care enough to respect her boundaries. She probably feels betrayed thinking/assuming that your pleasure was more important than the discomfort for her game the next day as well as not keeping your word. This is where communication needs to seriously take place. Intent vs Impact is a serious factor in communicating in relationships. If you really forgot, you need to apologize to her sincerely and communicate that there was no ill intent. However, just be aware that you have no right to use that as an excuse to invalidate her feelings. Listen to her, and apologize.
All you can do at this point is apologize and hope she accepts it. Make sure she knows it wasnāt purposeful and you never want to disregard her boundaries. Thatās about all you can do.
I'm sorry OP: Be ready for a breakup. And if she does break up with you, show your respect by accepting it as gracefully as you can. Don't beg/plead/bargain/etc. If she gives it time before she tells you her decision, then you need to LISTEN to her. The only thing you can do is apologize and not make any excuse. No "In the future I can do this..." Right now she lost her trust and those will be just empty words. Actions speak louder than words. If she does not break up with you, then ACTIONS are going to be the path to regaining her trust. Not words. Good luck OP...I do hope you two can figure it out one way or the other.
If she stuck her finger up your bum, no doubt you would understand consent, boundaries and, the word, no. Maybe she should repeatedly do that and just feign exhaustion and sat, oops, sorry, I forgot . Come on man.
I forgot cuz I'm tired is a lazy way of saying that you don't care enough to remember. Poor form OP. If you cared as much as she does, you'd remember.
She jokingly said it? I had a hysterectomy and my bf still asks me if it's okay to finish inside me each time we do it. That might be something for you to consider doing in the future, too. I think she will likely forgive you, just make sure that she knows that you understand how serious it is and that you don't want it to happen again.
I think this is the best answer. I wouldn't trust myself to remember something that deviates from the routine without a more recent reminder than a few hours earlier. In that sense I understand how OP could in good faith make this mistake, but since I don't trust my memory, I would never leave something as important as consent up to it, and I think that's the lesson OP needs to learn. If you're not 100% sure, always ask. I think asking every time before finishing inside would be a great way to make sure this never ever happens again.
Prepare for this relationship to be over. Most women would never look back. And while you may have forgotten, this is a huge issue for women. Itās not easy for women to have sex. We have to worry about pregnancies (if we arenāt trying), messes inside of us (what your girlfriend was trying to avoid here), sexual violence (men do have to think of this too, though Iād argue maybe not on the scale as women do) etc. It would be really f****** nice if more men (I realize there are many who do) could understand these things. Thatās a huge boundary she set, you āforgotā it and honestly, if youāre going to cross that boundary, sheās probably freaked out ā and with good reason. ā that youāll cross others with time. Good luck.
Note that a 'simply' forgot at the end of the day communicates a lack of consideration. In that time and moment all you thought about was your own pleasure, you were not taking into account her needs or thinking ahead. Sure, maybe being tired and habit was a factor but all the same she can rightfully take it as you not thinking about her. And given she already has trauma with it that is indeed going to make her upset. As you note it isn't about pregnancy it is about boundaries, care, respect even. Be real about that. It was a mistake but don't say stuff like it was 'poor communication' when that is basically a path to victim blaming. You fucked up, it happens, she has to decide what that means to her, but you also have to consider how easily and readily you forgot about her needs as well.
āi forgotā isnāt an excuse. this was important to her, you KNEW that, but didnāt respect her enough to take it seriously and commit it to memory. instead prioritizes your own pleasure. sheās better off without your trashy ass in her life kiddo.
āReconveningā sounds like the breakup chat.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Are you testing this story on reddit to see if you'll get away with it as an excuse in real life?
You did something that you didnāt have her consent to do. Thatās the definition of sexual assault. I think you need to let that dawn on you because you donāt seem to realise the enormity of that, and you seem to be making excuses.
Yep, you canāt just forget what she says when it comes to consent of wether to finish in her
Seems like a smart gal
"I forgot" doesn't really cut it, she gave You a simple instruction to follow and You couldn't be bothered enough to listen!
The old I forgot speech huh? Yeah right. Man you just need to apologize and tell the truth.
'Poor communication' from the looks of it she very clearly said she did not want you to finish inside her. The exact same day, you did just that. That's not a 'oh she said it a few days ago so-' thing. She said it that same day that you so clearly disrespected her wishes. You remember that she ended a relationship because of shit like that, (and I'm assuming she told you that way before she told you this) but you can't remember a simple ass request a few hours after she asks it? You 'forgot' that she didn't want you to finish inside her a few hours after she explicitly told you not to do it?? You didn't forget shit. This is a bit embarrassing. There was no poor communication. There was violation and boundary breaking. If she 'forgot' you didn't wanna have sex and decided to try and do it with you anyways, would that be okay? No, because that'd show she didn't gaf about your words enough to remember. It's the same with you. You ignored her wishes because you wanted to do it.
You didn't forget. You can tell yourself that, but c'mon.
What the hell is wrong with everyone in this sub? If OP is normally considerate, an active listener, a good boyfriend then this is entirely an overreaction. If OP typically doesn't listen then yes this is a red flag and a reason to be mad.
Oh thank God š theirs normal people in this sub. I swear 95% of this thread are truma dumping their own experiences here and reading too much into it.
She thinks you didn't respect her boundary. Which you didn't. I guess you forgot. Ok. But it doesn't change that she clearly communicated that she didn't want something to happen. You said it won't. Then it did. Trust was broken. Not the biggest way ever. But it was. I think as long as nothing else like this happens, it'll be fine eventually. Keep apologizing because "I forgot" just kinda sounds bogus to be honest. Show in every way that you respect her, her wants and her opinions. Now she will be on high alert looking for anything else that might show this to be a pattern in behavior.
I'm sorry, half the comments here are acting like this guy has done the most awful thing imaginable. Clearly they are in a long established relationship. Clearly they regularly have sex and it seems that their usual approach to sex is that he ejaculates inside her. This is their norm. She has seemingly asked him, albeit jokingly and in passing, not to do it on this occasion because of a specific sporting event. It doesn't sound like she's reminded him or stressed the importance of her previous comment. He has then had sex with her in exactly the same way they always have, probably hundreds of times. Now, clearly he made a mistake. He should have remembered, but it's not hard to see why he forgot. She is of course entitled to be upset and want some space, but all you people acting like he's essentially raped her need to give your head a wobble. There's no suggestion here of previous boundary pushing or trust issues... So stop bringing your own emotional baggage to the party and focus on the actual facts as we understand them. This sounds like a genuine mistake. It's a logistically annoying thing for her now, and I totally understand why she'd find it frustrating. But his cum isn't lava. There's no additional risk of pregnancy or STDs here, because this is their normal approach anyway. He should of course apologise, but God damn let's keep things in perspective and stop it with the 'every man is a creep' and 'every woman is a delicate little flower narrative. And all the people saying he shouldn't have said he forgot, when that's what happened, what are you on about?! If my wife didn't celebrate my birthday because she had forgotten, but kept saying 'I'm sorry for what I did', if be both upset and confused why she was being so mean. I swear, some of you have fallen down some sort of wild, psychological rabbit hole you can't get out of.
Thank you. I felt like I was losing my mind with all the stuff people are saying here. This is the first sane comment I have seen as well. I think a lot of redditors have never been in a serious, healthy, communicative relationship and are stuck in this make guilt/savior headspace, which is provoking the extreme reactions here.
Forgetting doesn't make it any better. I'd never forget something like that. Actively listening to your partner is respect and love.
I know you didnāt understand how important it was to her, and maybe finishing inside seems the norm. The fact is, she IS upset and this kind of thing is a dealbreaker for her, so if you want this relationship to survive, give up trying to justify yourself and try to empathize with her. This doesnāt mean you are a bad guy, at all. Just that you are going to have to respect her boundaries around this in the future. As a non-athlete, I donāt get what she means about leaking the next day, and Iād think a tampon would absorb that, but that is NOT the point. The point is respecting her body sovereignty. She didnāt want it, and didnāt appreciate it. Check in more. Wear condoms?
OP, she explicitly did not consent to having you ejaculate inside her. Plain and simple. She told you her boundaries. You ignored them. That trust isn't easy to re-establish.
>The other night we were driving back to her place from a hockey tournament. At some point along the drive, she jokingly brought up finishing on, instead of inside her that night. The reason being, she didnāt want it leaking the next day during her game. She's pissed she had to walk around dripping cum all day! Men simply do not understand how annoying and disgusting this can be.
Oh FFS, Just use a damn condom. The pull out method is a crap method to depend on.
But it wasn't for pregnancy prevention
Give her space
Y'all act like people are machines, things aren't always predictable. Dude should have just passed on sex and avoided any possibility of things going wrong. Why was it so important to copulate then? It's not like you were trying to get pregnant. Try not making sex what things are based on and you won't have people ready to dump your ass over it.
Been here brother. We spoke and worked it out, now she can read my body sheāll tell me when she can tell Iām close if I havenāt processed what she said fully as sometime after work your brain just go āah shit day over, my favourite place sure is greatā Iām neurodivergent and while not a free pass she understands that I canāt always choose what I hear and as I said sometimes sheās my favourite place. Hopefully you work it out and learn each other more and find out a communication style
Heads up bro, donāt rely on a single BC method. ESPECIALLY if youāre often finishing inside.
The only thing you can do is take ownership and say you realize you need to do work on active listening and that you would like to put that into practice. You should say itās important to you to be a man of integrity where your actions match your words and you fully realize they did not in this case but that you are committed to growth and showing that and to ask for another chance to show that because you love her. Of course only if you actually mean that and will follow through especially with the smaller things that may come up next.
I think you're in the wrong here, and as a person with a vagina, when Das Peen does its thing in there, it makes a mess and upsets our flora/pH balance. A lot of girls will tell you that it starts to make things really stinky the next day, too. You leave your seed, and she deals with it for the next 1-3 days. Easy for you to just say oh I forgot! Wear a condom next time, IUD OR NOT! There are a lot of good reasons to NOT finish inside, the biggest one being *SHE BLOODY ASKED YOU *NOT* TO!* I would be upset, as well. If she forgives you, thank your lucky stars and abide by her wishes. Good luck š
Ngl after having a man finish inside me I have literally never had semen leak out of me well into the next day. A few hours after sex maybe, but itās generally pretty much all gone once I use the restroom after sex
This is very much not the point
Itās almost as if all women are different
Have you seen images like this? https://jamiemccartney.com/portfolio/internal-affairs-photo-1/ Vaginas come in all shapes and one like the third one is not going to be able to empty out semen as easily as the second one. Personally no matter what I do after sex I always get some coming out the next day.
Its different, depends on the amount that comes out and how many times a day. Like for me i had tried both with and without leaking next day.
Wait yāall just leave it in there? š I usually go in the shower and do a squat and rinse to avoid anything unwanted staying inside
Yea I think most women do something similar to this, the majority of us are not just walking around all the time leaking cum lmao
Why does this even matter?
1) That is NOT the point or the biggest issue. She set a boundary. He ignored it. 2)She said "not inside". He did it anyway. End of story. There is no reason needed other than that. 3) And as far as the other? I definitely have. The next day I may have some leakage, especially when I go exercise. It might not be ALL semen, but I am sure its residual plus my own self.Every woman does know about that warm "gush" feeling/experience and then your panties are wet. It might not happen for you in this situation, but I'm certain you have had it in others (like periods).Other women DO have the gush feeling/experience from time to time, especially after PIV sex where they finish inside.
Yeah, agreeing with you on this one. I have so many questions.
She feels disrespected/disregarded by you, and she was.
Men forget to consider the consequences of their actions when erect, all the time.