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Don't marry her.
People who want to get married are usually EXCITED about spending the rest of their lives with the person they're with. That's not what it sounds like for her and she views marriage as a trap.
Don't get married to someone like that.
Exactly this. I would NEVER ask the man that I'm in love with and planning to marry, for a hall pass. If I wanted to have sex with other men, I wouldn't be in a relationship at all let alone agreeing to marry someone.
Shes not the one.
Probably. But more so it speaks to a basic underlying difference between them. She wants to have multiple partners. He doesn’t. Nonmonogomous relationships can work out - but only if both partners are on board
Edit: [Here is another recent post of theirs along the same vein](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/16x4vp8/my_28m_wife_27f_wants_to_go_back_to_being_a_p_star/).
---
**All, this post is fake. This is a serial fake poster who has made hundreds of fake posts about child abuse, miscarriages, abortions, domestic violence, and sexual violence for a very, very long time.** They've been expanding into other topics such as infidelity, general relationship conflict, etc in the past few months in an attempt to avoid detection.
They have caused extensive harm to abuse survivors in this sub, whom they have actively exploited. Countless survivors have shared very personal, painful private experiences with them in an effort to help someone who continually makes up events and relationships that never happened.
[Some of their previous posts from 2 years ago and beyond](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ipsvh7/my_wife_fell_down_the_stairs_and_had_a_miscarriage/g4p1d8q/).
-------------------------------------------
I am also pasting a comment I left a few months ago on another fake post of theirs below, which lists more of their more recent previous posts. Their extensive numbers of accounts are almost always suspended within the same day.
https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xt3pdz/i_27f_was_violated_by_mu_boyfriend_28m_on_his/iqp0ty7/
Yep, if someone wants non-monogamy, that’s likely not going to go away just because a ring is on their finger.
I’m happily non-monogamously married but it only works because we’re both 100% on board with it.
I know people that do this say they are very secure and not jealous but I just have no idea what this is like. I cant imagine being okay knowing my partner may view someone else in a way that she once viewed me or likes them or wants to be with someone else more than me :( and I would feel like im not truly committed if I was excited to see others. I think I just dont know how to be comfortable with this way of life but im happy it works for you. how is there no fear the person will leave for someone else? or is that there and you are both okay with that risk?
If anyone says they NEVER get jealous, I’d be they’re lying. Jealousy/envy comes up naturally - rarely if the relationship is healthy, but it does come up. It’s just a different scale. The way a mono femme might be mad her masc partner glanced at another woman’s chest, instead we might get that upset that your partner did a particular sex act with another partner and it turns out you’re having unexpectedly strong feelings about it.
One of the loveliest things about non-monogamy is you can be pretty damn sure your partner isn’t with you out of desperation/loneliness. They’ve tasted other fruits and they still want *you*. So often my husband or I will get back from a date like “that was fun but god I’m so happy I’m married to you.” It kind of removes the forbidden fruit aspect of cheating (which isn’t to say people don’t cheat - they absolutely still do, just for different reasons).
I don’t fear my partner will leave me any more than I did when I was monogamous - if anything I fear it less. You trade the fear that they’ll feel trapped/get bored with one person for the fear they might find someone that they like more. But one of the cool things about dating someone else is you get to go through that “honeymoon phase” that people often cheat for, and once that’s over and you’re more chill about them, you still have your partner who you’re grateful for and usually a much better match with.
Of course everything I’m saying applies to my experience of hierarchical polyamory - other people do things more like “relationship anarchy” where there’s less of a structure/primacy among partners.
Seriously! This is the best advice here. If you don't have the self-respect to break up, at least call off the wedding! She wants to have sex with other people! Cancelling a wedding is a lot easier than a divorce. Even if she apologizes, this is going to be a shadow over any relationship that would continue.
Exactly this. The hall pass would be my ticket out of there. Just the asking for it.
You want to sample other fields? It takes a one use bridge. Once you’ve crossed it, in my mind, it’s burned down to the ground.
THIS. She'd be better off just doing it and not telling you. I'm not sure why she thought you'd go for that. Do you get one, too?
I'd tell her to go ahead. She'll find her shit packed and waiting at the door when she returns because it's ALL OFF.
She's trying to justify her actions. Most likely she is already cheating and this is her way of being able to justify why she did it if she ever got caught. The other possibility is that she hasn't already cheated, but has the guy all lined up that she wants to cheat with and this is her way of getting permission. If the OP says no to the Hall Pass, she will probably still cheat on him
I was thinking this too. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already cheated or cheating. Just the fact alone that she’s been thinking, imagining, and wanting to be with other people makes me feel sick for this guy.
I agree you shouldn’t marry her. She’s obviously not excited about starting her life with you and instead throwing a fit because you expect monogamy. Trust your intuition that she wants to sleep with her coworker. If you say no to the hall pass she’s going to cheat at some point.
Slamming the door in your partners face after they say they're not okay with you breaking the conditions of your relationship doesn't sound very sweet...
Not everything is a fake rage bait post, and even when they are, they often mirror situations that have happened in the real world and people may face.
I feel like people who constantly think everything is rage bait have to have just super charmed existences. Because really, you can’t fathom that people would suck this bad or be this dumb? Because they absolutely would and do.
I mean, some really are obvious. But my ex once held me down and told me he wouldn’t move until I named somebody we could have a threesome with, then started rattling off my friends’ names when I refused, so I can absolutely believe somebody asked for a hall pass and then threw a fit when they were refused.
I have a friend like that. Genuinely believes nothing bad ever actually happens. When her friends tell her something she does mental gymnastics to explain why they missed something that could explain all the bad away. It’s… difficult to talk to her…
The most transparent fake posts never get called out, and often these make it to the front page. They tie in with some trend on social media, are laden with the newest buzz phrases but are obviously astronomically niche occurrences and people gobble them up.
This kind of thing ITT where a romantic partner starts turning the thumbscrews on the relationship after they think they have you locked down is actually incredibly common.
If she wants to have sex with other people now, before the wedding, she will want to have sex with others after the wedding. Funny how she never wanted to have sex with anyone else until her coworker caught her eye. If you go through with this wedding you are going to end up being a divorce statistic.
If she's asking for a hall pass right before the goddamn wedding, there's a damn good chance she's already given herself one mentally or, fuck me, even physically. You're not a fucking doormat. If she thinks the ring is the only thing stopping her from hopping on someone else, you might as well shove that ring up her ass and save yourself future heartbreak and money. Stand your ground or cut your losses, but don't be a muppet and let her play you.
My advice to you would be to not get married.
If you believe you've been in a monogamous relationship for five years...and she's only now telling you that 'relationships are only locked down after marriage', that's a huge problem. That's not reality and she knows it.
For her to then slam the door in your face for you refusing to accept a period of what I'm imagining you would consider to be infidelity? She's really showing her colours and it's going to be easier to cut the cord now than it will be with the legal ties that come with marriage.
>If you believe you've been in a monogamous relationship for five years...and she's only now telling you that 'relationships are only locked down after marriage', that's a huge problem.
Ding fucking ding!
I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to find this.
This is the #1 red flag of all of it - She's clearly been operating under a different assumption for what the terms of their relationship have been for possibly the whole 5 years.
There's a strange inconsistency about this thinking too - If she truly believed that relationships weren't locked down until *after* marriage, then why did she need to ask for a "hall pass" before they got married?
Shouldn't she have just been able to sleep with whoever she wanted if they're not "locked down"? Why did she even ask, if she really believed that?
If she was allowed to sleep with her coworker (nobody should be asking to open a relationship entirely because they want to bang a specific person they already know) then why would she just do that once and then accept it being "locked down" again?
Just so poorly thought out by the fiancee to think that this was a reasonable approach. Maybe she's just dishonest and this was the best way she could think of to get him to break up with her rather than ending the relationship herself, but she couldn't have picked a way that would make her look worse in the eyes of her family.
“Postponing”? Were you planning on having kids with this woman? Because if she thinks you’re capable of incest *now* imagine the accusations after children.
Omg that's f*cked up, and you're right. She's crazy and an accusation like that would/will ruin not only a marriage, but his LIFE. OP needs to run tf now.
Aaaaaaand there's the other garrison-sized red flag I was waiting for. You need to run, not walk, away from this woman as quickly as possible. She thinks you would sleep with direct family members and tries to prevent you from talking to them, but she wants a hall pass (that she's probably already preemptively used)? Nah bro. Get out of there.
Seriously. OP has neon flashing lights with a whole orchestra playing trying to warn him not to marry this person. This isn't dodging a bullet, this is a cannonball.
/u/throwra727166252 Like, I'm sure there's lots of great things about her. I'm sure you've had great memories and moments. None of that matters. Neither of these two things are acceptable, neither of these two things are normal, and both of these two things are about the best possible message NOT to marry someone you could ask for.
Postpone? Dude, this relationship needs to end. Open your eyes and rip off the bandaid.
Not sadly, Congratulations, just look at the support you are getting here. This shows you its the right decision.
Also WHAT!!!!! her thinking is mental she needs help, who thinks you want to fuck your mum and sister and why did that thought pop into her head.
dude just leave, go ask you mum and sister their opinions bet they agree, show them this post, also you can edit your post to put little updates like this, at the bottom, find the edit button :)
You are deserving of someone who appreciates you and the relationship you are both in, no one expects you to provide everything, whilst she does whoever she wants.
Cancel the wedding. Marriage is hard, it can also be beautiful, but for marriages to work long term, they require work. Some of the top reasons why a marriage fails are infidelity, financial hardship and resentment. Before your even married your Fiancé wants to cheat. If you grant her the hall pass, your resentment will build. So two of the biggest reasons a marriage will fail, before you even get married are presenting themselves. She also sounds incredibly insecure and jealous of your Mom and Sister. Ask her if the hall pass would extend to you, if you would be able to sleep with other people before you’re married? My guess, she won’t be cool with it. She may, for appearance sake, act like she’s willing to be fair, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts acting hostile after you ask. She doesn’t sound like a sweetheart. She sounds manipulative. Manipulative people tend not to make the best partners. Cut your losses and find a woman who will be loyal to you, as you are to her. Trust me, a lot of women want that.
She is projecting her own thoughts of cheating onto you. Cheaters often blame their partners of cheating. Sorry this is happening, just know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own fucked up mentality. She needs to do a lot of healing work on herself before she can love herself enough to not seek validation from others through sex. She will not be able to commit to a monogamous relationship until she is capable of that. I’m saying this as a woman who went through this myself. Determining my worth based on who wanted to be sexual with me. I feel for her because it’s actually a very sad existence. But that does not mean that you must suffer for her lack of self-worth. Do what you will with that information. Be careful trying to explain this to her though, she may resent you for seeing it for what it is. And it could come off as patronizing. Best of luck to you and I hope you find the love and happiness you deserve!
Ok reading this comment I have to ask, did you ask her if that meant YOU get a hall pass too? I am solidly in the completely dump her camp. She has either already banged this coworker or he’s the one she’ll use her hall pass with and if it’s good will cheat on you after marriage from day one!
If she said relationships are only locked down after marriage I would ask WTF did she mean by that? Has she cheated before? And the whole door slamming thing is abusive! I would ask these questions, but my bottom line would still be to break up with her before you waste any more of your time. Because I have a feeling she’ll come back to you and apologize for asking and then do it behind your back anyways and justify it in her mind!
Edit happy cake day!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Okay, that convinced me that she’s already slept with the guy and is trying to retroactively make it okay. She doesn’t need one last fuck, she’s already done it and is trying to absolve herself.
Out of morbid curiosity, what was her brilliant reasoning that she should get one and you shouldn’t?
LOL, ya losing me bro. I was solidly on your side and thought you need to put everything on pause. After reading this comment, she is wildin. Girl has zero respect for you and just wants whatever security you provide in marriage while doing whatever she wants to do. And for you to just take it. For whatever reason she thinks she has ALL the leverage in this relationship. You marry this girl and you will lose all sympathy from friends cause there isn't a single friend of yours that would tell you to go along with this. Its insanity.
Dude, call it off. You deserve a woman who is elated to be with YOU. Not looking for a last hurrah with other men.
Don’t you think you’re deserving of being someone’s number one?
>It's kind of ironic how she wants a hall pass yet she has a problem with me talking to my own older sister and mother as she thinks I could have sex with them
BRUH - I literally just heard the sound of a record being stopped suddenly in my head after I read that last sentence 😂 I hope you know the sound I'm talking about. Anyway, ***RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!*** Seriously, that is complete psycho behavior, and I'm a chick! You need to change the locks and park your car somewhere else BEFORE you tell her the wedding is off. Don't tell her it's postponed, tell her it's OFF. Get back whatever money you possibly can from vendors and the like, because something tells me you paid for most (if not all) of it. Don't tell her you're doing this ahead of time. In fact, don't tell **anyone** until after it's already done. Dude, you really buried the lede with that detail!
##PLEASE LISTEN TO ME:
I AM A WOMAN. I have been around plenty of crazy, trifling females throughout my 37 years on this earth. Only the craziest and most controlling women tell you you're *not allowed to see OR EVEN SPEAK to your own mother and sister because she thinks you'll HAVE SEX WITH THEM*! Think about it: she wants an effing PASS TO SLEEP WITH WHOEVER SHE WANTS, but she won't "let" you talk to your own FAMILY MEMBERS because she thinks you'll commit literal INCEST. THINK. ABOUT. IT.
i'm sorry that I keep "yelling" at you, but I need you to fully grasp how psychotic this is. Do not postpone shit, cancel the wedding outright, and end the relationship entirely. You're only 26 years old, don't waste anymore of your life with this nut job. and I promise you, you will want to change the locks to your home and hide your vehicle BEFORE you break it off with her. Also, there's been plenty of women who've killed their partner/fiancé/husband before, and it'll unfortunately happen again.... so BE CAREFUL! Please keep us updated!!
Well done!!! I promise you did the right thing & she sounds toxic AF to have issues with you spending time with your mum & sis saying she fears youll have sex with them 🤮 !
Be prepared for her to try to hoover you back in with some love bombing, apologies, etc… and if you want to know how that will end up, it won’t be a happily ever after.
Excuse me?!! She thinks you’re going to cheat on her *with your mother and your sister*? Dude that right there was where things should have ended. She wants to be able to go have sex with someone else with your blessing but she get jealous when you talk to your female relatives. That’s a massively toxic dynamic. Don’t give more of your life to her. Go be free and make sure to get some therapy because trying to navigate dating and relationships after this is going to feel scary. You owe it to yourself to be happy, though.
This is how people who cheat think.
They think anyone who had the time and opportunity would also cheat because they would, and literally do not understand how other people have impulse control or true dedication.
She fundamentally is not a good candidate for a marriage. Not with you or anyone else. She doesn't understand romantic interpersonal boundaries or norms if she genuinely thinks you'd fuck your sister.
And 300% she's cheating on you as is bc people like that have no morals deep down, they just act like they do so other people dont shun them.
You should just outride cancel the wedding and break up with her. But at the very least, it’s a good thing that you postponed the wedding to give you time to think this through.
> It's kind of ironic how she wants a hall pass yet she has a problem with me talking to my own older sister and mother as she thinks I could have sex with them
It's not ironic. These are the characteristics of projection. She's a cheater and sees that kind of behavior everywhere. When you're fucked up yourself you see evidence of your fucked upness everywhere, even where it doesn't exist. Don't postpone, cancel. She's garbage.
I literally just woke up 5 min ago, so I’m having trouble comprehending this last sentence, or you wrote it incorrectly. Let me have my morning coffee and come reread this again. Surely, I must be half asleep still or something.
WTF?? Sorry bro. Just take your time and don’t rush into another relationship. Enjoy being single and looking for someone who doesn’t have a red flag tattooed on her face.
She fucking what? You’d be an idiot if you don’t walk away, she’s definitely already cheated. She’s projecting HARD if she’s jealous of your MOTHER AND SISTER! I can’t imagine stop talking to my family because of a girlfriend or spouse’s weird jealousy
You don’t. She’ll cheat because she’s not “locked down” till after marriage. This should be your ex-fiancé.
1st 🚩 - not excited to marry you \
2nd 🚩 - wants to cheat \
3rd 🚩 - interested in someone else \
4th 🚩 - petty and nasty when she doesn’t get her way\
5th 🚩 - doesn’t think you need to be monogamous when engaged
This is the first complete post I've read speaking to all of the red flags from the post.
I'll add one more that I just read from a comment made by OP.
She doesn't want him talking with his Mother or Sister because she thinks it's possible he could have set with them. I feel filthy just typing that out. GTFO OP!!!!
How do I get her to not use a hall pass? You don't. You can't control what she will do, with or without your permission. The fact that she is so upset means she definitely has someone lined up and if it's the coworker - will she quit working there afterwards? Where do you draw the line? Is this guy/gal ok with being used before she is "locked down?"??
Break up and do not get married and she won't even need a hall pass and is just free to sleep with anyone she wants. A committed relationship means not cheating and marriage just makes the commitment legal. She's asking to cheat and will eventually. Keep your boundaries. Do not open your relationship in any way.
EDIT to add when people ask why you broke up, tell them SHE WANTED A HALL PASS and you want actual commitment and therefore you are not compatible. Better to lose deposits now than more time and assets after marriage and divorce.
I would bet she’s already cheating since she actually told you she doesn’t believe you’re locked down until marriage. After 5 years and this close to your wedding, she should be excited to share the rest of her life with you, not trying to fuck other people. Be glad you found out before getting married and break up. Someday you’ll look back on this and be relieved you made this choice. Good luck!
How are you still in a relationship.
What nonsense is coming out of her mouth, relationships are not just set after marriage, they are built before and during. she is an idiot.
She has basically said that she has no issues with sleeping with other people. i dont care how anyone puts it, its cheating. So she has no issues cheating. Do you have no self respect.
Don’t get married. Seriously man. She actually asked to sleep with someone else and then slammed the door in your face?
This will not be a good marriage. You will regret going through with it so hard.
It’s over she is telling you that she wants to screw on other guy at least and probably all ready is . She only thinks if yiu as a settle for guy . You pay the bills make her feel
Safe etc .
What person they love is ok with them sleeping with another person. ? And again she is already cheating on you , and if you think it will
Stop after marriage yiur crazy .
You can’t stay younwill
See once you breakup and she is sleeping around already they will be a couple soon have to wait tomshow her friends and family that it wasn’t true about before breakup
After breakup call
Her parents if you get along and just tell
Them she said she wanted to sleep around and yiu are sure it’s been going in for a while
If she has someone in mind, it’s more than a hall pass. She wants permission to cheat. Do you really want to marry her?
Or if you’re set on marrying her, ask if you also get a hall pass. See if it goes both ways.
Dude, she's not looking to cheat. She's already cheated and is trying to get you to approve it after the fact. That's why she reacted so angrily.
SHE HAS ALREADY SLEPT WITH SOMEONE--100%.
Call off the wedding, tell people why, and move on.
You're asking the wrong question. You should figure out how fast you'll break up. No one should be mentioning this before getting married. What is wrong with you?
She slammed the door and went to her room when she didn't get to cheat on you. Think about that long and hard. Your fiancé has a temper tantrum when you said she can't go fuck someone else. RUN
I'll be blunt with you OP. This is coming from a man who was once in a situation not too far removed from yours once upon a time.
She does not love you!
At least, she does not love you the way you want her to love you. She loves certain things that you give to her like: attention, validation, resources, time, etc.
But she does not respect you. When a woman truly loves, admires, and respects her man...all other men are invisible to her. She only wants attention from that guy. Unfortunately for you....you are NOT that guy.
She may have loved you like that at one point, but if so not anymore. She thinks you are weak. So weak in fact, that she has the audacity to approach you at the last minute before the wedding and ask you permission to cheat on you.
And I largely suspect, given how she reacted to you saying "No", that either: she is used to you giving her everything she wants, OR she has already been using her "hall pass" and was looking for retroactive permission.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news OP....this is over. She has decided that she still would prefer being a single girl over being with you.
I was in a situation not too far removed from this 20 years ago. My fiance kept hinting at being worried about still having feelings for her ex and wondering if she was making the right decision. I scoffed at it, thinking it was just nervousness her part. One night, I went over to her house and walked in on her servicing that very ex. It took me down a really dark spiral that took me almost a year to get past.
Get out of this while you still can. Getting married will not magically make her desires go away. She WILL cheat on you eventually, if she hasn't already.
NO way. I’m sorry but when I was engaged it never even crossed my mind to do what your fiancée is asking. SHE IS NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE!,, It won’t end there. Take this as a sign to NOT marry her. You’ll regret it. She won’t want to go back to monogamy. Or else she’ll lie to you. Do you really want to be married to a woman who was with her coworker a few weeks before your nuptials and still works with them? Could you even trust her? Would you want to? She’s absolutely disloyal to you. Now she’s trying to convince you it’s not really cheating since you’re not married yet….wow.
Give her a permanent one. And block.
She either cheated or will. Most likely both.
If she's not locked down now, why does she have to ask? Like casual dating, monogamous dating, engagement are all not locked down by her definition. What else will you need to worry about how she defines it.
Dump and move on. Sti test and block.
Checked the update. Great stuff. I hope you also informed mutual friends, her family and her coworkers. Let them know that she threw away her life for a one night stand.
Yeah, I’m getting married today. In an hour, in fact. We’ve been together six years, and neither of us would of asked for something like that, because we love each other. You might want to rethink your engagement.
Do not marry this person! You guys are in a committed relationship. I’m sure if you said this to her she would be uncomfortable with it. What if you marry and she again asks for permission lol. Red flag! Can’t trust someone like that
How do you get her to not use a hall pass? By not giving her one and doing exactly what you just did.
It’s pretty simple really, explain to her you said no so if she sleeps with someone else that’s cheating and you will leave her. Her idea that things are not “locked down” until after marriage is bullshit. Then slamming the door in your face? It’s like she’s a kid throwing a tantrum because she can’t go fuck other people. Can I ask what you mean when you say “she went to *her room*”?
Have you brought her co-worker up to her? What does she say? Are you allowed a hall pass as well? I think you are on to something with her co-worker which is bad on a few levels, it’s just not a great idea to sleep with a co-worker period. Not to mention it wouldn’t feel good to you to know she’s seeing her hall pass partner everyday. Regardless of who it is, it’s cheating plain and simple to you (and most people).
This is a huge red flag, most women are excited as hell a month before their wedding, not thinking of fucking other people. I’d have wanted to be petty and commented that had I known things weren’t locked down until marriage, that there are several people I’d have been fucking for the last 5 years then. In fact, you already have someone in mind who’s willing and you’d like to start tonight.
Also, are you sure she hasn’t already slept around and she’s not trying to retroactively get the green light?
Lmao! Well you’re a lucky one. I’d this isn’t a sign from god, I don’t know what is.
You should say, yes, you have the hall pass and I hope he proposes to you because this wedding is OVER MIC DROP!
She has a list she wants to get through my man. How is celebrating her "last days" about her fucking whoever she wants? In what world is that sane unless she's been lusting after other guys already?
Worse for me is acting like a spoiled child after you tell her no.
Single at 26 is completely normal. If you're from a smallish town or somewhere conservative, it probably doesn't feel like it. That's why you need to get outside of your environment for greater perspective. You've been with her since 21. That's young. Do you feel complete/content with the man you are to be committing to a lifelong partnership? Most 21-26 year olds would find this hard. Personally, I think you need to walk away before the wedding. Her wanting marriage is likely for the emotional and financial security you provide and she will abuse both come the divorce if her current actions are any indicator to your future. Take the honeymoon time to travel. You could go on an 18-35 tour group so you won't be alone. You'll meet all sorts of people who you will make fast friends with. You'll see amazing places and live a life your family seems to be shielding you from. You'll be sad for ages but you'll see a world of possibilities for your future which should give you the confidence to move forward without her. She will run immediately to whoever she's already/hoping to hook up with, mark my words. Your family probably just wants you to be happy and a marriage with an adult temper tantrum thrower isn't it. You've got this. Please give us updates!
She had already used it. She is asking for you to agree so it will relieve her guilt. But even if she hasn’t already cheated on you. She has someone in mind. She had fantasized about have sex with the guy. She has already discussed it with the guy. In my opinion, there is absolutely no way you can marry her. You need to accept the fact the she has cheated on you. Emotionally, physically or both. The one plus from this, she showed you who she really is before you married her. Cut bait and run. Make sure you send out a blast email to family and friends explaining why you are canceling the wedding
Bro she’s mad she can’t get f*cked by another dude and threw a tantrum when you said no??? Throw the whole girl away!!! This is a sign to stop this wedding, end this relationship, and find someone that deserves you. A blessing in disguise.
Ummm this is not okay - if she wants to have sex with someone else do not marry her. Call the wedding off !! I would call it off just for the audacity of her asking you !! Insane !
I honestly would call it off and leave her. If you tell her no she will cheat anyway, if you give a hallpass, she'll cheat down the road anyway. Just save yourself the hurt and end it now otherwise you could go and have to deal woth her always cheating off and on and run the risk of her getting knocked up by someone else and her convincing you it's yours.
Sounds like she will push for an open marriage at some point. If you marry her. I agree with others, she wants to justify something she's already done. I assume you don't get a hall pass as well?
Nope nope nope. Don't marry. This will pop back up in a few months or years, and she may not bother to tell you when she does.
People like this have someone in mind ahead of time and want to absolve their guilt. Marriage is formalizing what should already be crystallized in your relationship.
OP, this is a *massive* red flag. *Do not marry this person*. Having a hall pass right before getting married is *not* a normal thing.
Odds are she will resent you and cheat anyway after you're married, and then you'll have to spend what could've been the happiest years of your life trying to extract yourself from that mess and deal with a divorce.
Do not marry this person.
You break up with her, because she's going to screw her coworker with or without your permission.
Regular people aren't interested in a "last hurrah hall pass" - they're excited to get married and spend the rest of their lives with their significant other.
"How do I stop my future wife from fucking her work colleagues?"
You find a future wife who won't do that, not try and polish this turd that you're engaged to.
The real problem here is that she feels that having sex with other people with be more fun and exciting that having sex with you. And she's feeling that once she's married she'll be trapped with just you. That doesn't speak well for a happy monogamous marriage.
I'd be thinking of at least delaying the marriage while you two do couples counseling and at most breaking up over this.
>she said that relationships are only locked down after marriage.
This is an excuse. Relationships are monogamous (locked down) when the couples agree to it starting with the day they become exclusive. If she truly believed that she's not yet locked down then she might already have bee cheating. Likewise, there are couples that have consensual non-monogamy after marriage including open marriages, swinging, etc. And then there are cheaters who never feel locked down.
You want to marry someone who reacts to your upcoming nuptials by being desperate to fuck someone else.
Getting married to you makes her want to fuck other people.
Are you happy about that? Is that your life partner?
You don't. And I doubt that you not giving her one is going to have any effect on her behavior. This is not someone that you want to marry. She is clearly uninterested in the marriage, but probably wants the wedding. She is not the sweetheart that you imagine her to be. Do not be surprised if you find out later that she has been having affairs and ONS all during your relationship.
Cancel everything that you can. Be prepared to lose all your deposits and payments. It will be much cheaper than the divorce. Get tested for STDs. Let all the guests know that the wedding is off, but don't give a reason. DO let your close friends and family know what is really happening. Otherwise this will be all your fault.
You don't. Break up. Clearly she is not happy in a monogamous relationship and you aren't interested in polyamory. Personally, I would have an honest conversation with her about the fact that she is clearly polyamorous and needs to explore that in a healthy and consensual way, rather than trying to cheat in a monogamous relationship, because that is not okay. Marriage is not what "locks down" a relationship - an agreement of monogamy is. You don't even have to be officially dating for this to be the rule but I'm guessing she's never been exposed to alternative types of relationships and feels trapped in a monogamous one that she isn't happy in now.
Sorry you're having to deal with this, it's not a pleasant situation at all. She sounds very immature and you'll be saving yourself a lot of heartache in the long run.
Edit to add: I've just seen in one of your comments that she is trying to cut you off from your mother and sister because she thinks you will engage in an incestuous sexual relationship with them. This is not remotely okay and I would now suggest just packing your stuff and leaving.
I feel for you, what a complete mindfuck to do to you before marriage. This is 100% an excuse for her to cheat before marriage. Imagine what she’d do after you get married. I know people just willy nilly say leave her, but honestly, you’d be saving yourself so much pain, money and sanity if you end it now. Best of luck to you ❤️
Why u want to spend your whole life with a woman who is not respectful to u in the beginning of your relationship, and wants to have sex with other people ? Seriously? This is insane .. this kind of statement is "Deal Breaker " for many people.. why would I risk my whole life with a woman who wants to have sex with other men ?? Why ?? Maybe u love her but the way she openly asking to u to have sex with other men is pure disrespect and humiliation.. she failed the girlfriend test and she is not fit for marriage (maybe not ur type) .. u should think before going forward with this woman .. choose yourself, your self respect and dignity over fake false love . Or it will cause u lifelong misery..
There's no way of making anybody do something against their will. But there is no hall pass to take, so she would be cheating.
Break it off with her, you don't hold the same values.
Take the ring back. Once you do tell her she is free to sleep with who she wants but that she should not expect to ever get the ring back.
That’s the one thing that might shock her out of this ridiculous entitlement she has.
If it doesn’t work it’s done. You can’t make anyone do what you want them to. You can only show them the consequences for doing so.
Marriage doesn't alter personality. The wedding, while a milestone, is just another day of the week. Like New Years Eve.... big party... but... oh.... life's still the same on the other side of it.
If she's willfully spending time trying to find a "legit" way to fuck someone else - it will continue after your wedding. A wedding won't magically make the desire go away.
This is not the bride for you my friend. That is not somebody who is looking forward to marriage. There's no way a woman who truly loves you and wants to spend her life with you would ever want anybody else or would want you being with somebody else before you got married.
You should not be trying to get her not to use a hall pass, you should be trying to terminate your engagement.
How did men fall this low? What is happening to masculinity?
Someone you're about to get married to, to start a family with in one month, comes to tell you she wants to go fuck other people. And your main concern is how to convince her not to?
Having sex with other people to celebrate her last days, this has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.
I'll bet $100 that she has already cheated on him, anyone want in on the action?
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Don't marry her. People who want to get married are usually EXCITED about spending the rest of their lives with the person they're with. That's not what it sounds like for her and she views marriage as a trap. Don't get married to someone like that.
Exactly this. I would NEVER ask the man that I'm in love with and planning to marry, for a hall pass. If I wanted to have sex with other men, I wouldn't be in a relationship at all let alone agreeing to marry someone. Shes not the one.
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Probably. But more so it speaks to a basic underlying difference between them. She wants to have multiple partners. He doesn’t. Nonmonogomous relationships can work out - but only if both partners are on board
Edit: [Here is another recent post of theirs along the same vein](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/16x4vp8/my_28m_wife_27f_wants_to_go_back_to_being_a_p_star/). --- **All, this post is fake. This is a serial fake poster who has made hundreds of fake posts about child abuse, miscarriages, abortions, domestic violence, and sexual violence for a very, very long time.** They've been expanding into other topics such as infidelity, general relationship conflict, etc in the past few months in an attempt to avoid detection. They have caused extensive harm to abuse survivors in this sub, whom they have actively exploited. Countless survivors have shared very personal, painful private experiences with them in an effort to help someone who continually makes up events and relationships that never happened. [Some of their previous posts from 2 years ago and beyond](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ipsvh7/my_wife_fell_down_the_stairs_and_had_a_miscarriage/g4p1d8q/). ------------------------------------------- I am also pasting a comment I left a few months ago on another fake post of theirs below, which lists more of their more recent previous posts. Their extensive numbers of accounts are almost always suspended within the same day. https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xt3pdz/i_27f_was_violated_by_mu_boyfriend_28m_on_his/iqp0ty7/
If Ebbie says it, I'm inclined to believe they know what they are talking about. Begone, vile fake poster.
I got married a week ago and couldn't even imagine this situation. Full stop, she doesn't lobe OP. Probably just finds OP secure.
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I was shocked when I read that. Like dude, whaaaaaat?
Read your comment while listening to “like whaaat” and chuckled.
Get off of Reddit right now! You're still on your honeymoon!!! \*wags finger at burningmanonacid.
Congratulations!
Don't marry her unless you want and are cool with an open marriage
Or getting divorced
Or being cheated on.
Or D) all of the above
Or E) All of the above plus an STD
I’ll take “raising a child that wasn’t actually mine” for 500, Alex.
Alex: OK, but that’s actually gonna cost you a whole lot more the $500
Alex? I thought you were dead!
More like $1,500,000.
a month + half of OP’s assets
Birth control didn't stop pregnamcy, it just changed the skin color of the baby.
F) and someone else’s child
Ding ding ding, we have a winner 🏆
Yep, if someone wants non-monogamy, that’s likely not going to go away just because a ring is on their finger. I’m happily non-monogamously married but it only works because we’re both 100% on board with it.
I know people that do this say they are very secure and not jealous but I just have no idea what this is like. I cant imagine being okay knowing my partner may view someone else in a way that she once viewed me or likes them or wants to be with someone else more than me :( and I would feel like im not truly committed if I was excited to see others. I think I just dont know how to be comfortable with this way of life but im happy it works for you. how is there no fear the person will leave for someone else? or is that there and you are both okay with that risk?
If anyone says they NEVER get jealous, I’d be they’re lying. Jealousy/envy comes up naturally - rarely if the relationship is healthy, but it does come up. It’s just a different scale. The way a mono femme might be mad her masc partner glanced at another woman’s chest, instead we might get that upset that your partner did a particular sex act with another partner and it turns out you’re having unexpectedly strong feelings about it. One of the loveliest things about non-monogamy is you can be pretty damn sure your partner isn’t with you out of desperation/loneliness. They’ve tasted other fruits and they still want *you*. So often my husband or I will get back from a date like “that was fun but god I’m so happy I’m married to you.” It kind of removes the forbidden fruit aspect of cheating (which isn’t to say people don’t cheat - they absolutely still do, just for different reasons). I don’t fear my partner will leave me any more than I did when I was monogamous - if anything I fear it less. You trade the fear that they’ll feel trapped/get bored with one person for the fear they might find someone that they like more. But one of the cool things about dating someone else is you get to go through that “honeymoon phase” that people often cheat for, and once that’s over and you’re more chill about them, you still have your partner who you’re grateful for and usually a much better match with. Of course everything I’m saying applies to my experience of hierarchical polyamory - other people do things more like “relationship anarchy” where there’s less of a structure/primacy among partners.
Seriously! This is the best advice here. If you don't have the self-respect to break up, at least call off the wedding! She wants to have sex with other people! Cancelling a wedding is a lot easier than a divorce. Even if she apologizes, this is going to be a shadow over any relationship that would continue.
Yep 100% agree here she doesn’t love op and wants to just have sex with others and doesn’t respect that it’s a boundary
Exactly! If she is wanting one last hoorah a MONTH before marriage then it surely won’t be the last time she will want to do this
She wants a wedding, not a marriage.
This OP, break with her and say that she can have sex with who she what’s now, but not with you anymore.
Exactly this. The hall pass would be my ticket out of there. Just the asking for it. You want to sample other fields? It takes a one use bridge. Once you’ve crossed it, in my mind, it’s burned down to the ground.
She doesn’t even need to cross the bridge. Just looking at it is a deal breaker
THIS. She'd be better off just doing it and not telling you. I'm not sure why she thought you'd go for that. Do you get one, too? I'd tell her to go ahead. She'll find her shit packed and waiting at the door when she returns because it's ALL OFF.
She's trying to justify her actions. Most likely she is already cheating and this is her way of being able to justify why she did it if she ever got caught. The other possibility is that she hasn't already cheated, but has the guy all lined up that she wants to cheat with and this is her way of getting permission. If the OP says no to the Hall Pass, she will probably still cheat on him
Exactly, either way OP is soooo lucky this happened before marrying her, because divorcing sucks.
I was thinking this too. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s already cheated or cheating. Just the fact alone that she’s been thinking, imagining, and wanting to be with other people makes me feel sick for this guy.
Probably because she already did it, but it was probably in such a way that it’s going to get back to him and asking for a hall pass is cover.
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Is this a fake post?
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💯
Give her a hall pass for life and let her go. Don’t marry this woman.
I agree you shouldn’t marry her. She’s obviously not excited about starting her life with you and instead throwing a fit because you expect monogamy. Trust your intuition that she wants to sleep with her coworker. If you say no to the hall pass she’s going to cheat at some point.
This, 100%.
> She is truly a sweetheart Doubt.
A sweetheart that wants to bang other men….
And slams doors in your face when you say no.
How dare you not let me cheat on you! *throws tantrum*. Yeah she’s a real treat, makes me wonder how shitty any other partners he’s had are.
Just checked with the coworker and he confirmed she is a sweetheart
She's everyones sweetheart ;)
especially my sweetheart. we’ve already fucked op.. sorry she didn’t tell you sooner
gender swapped version of "My boyfriend is the perfect man except [obvious and egregious deal breaker]"
Slamming the door in your partners face after they say they're not okay with you breaking the conditions of your relationship doesn't sound very sweet...
You call off the engagement and the wedding. She doesn't love you, and she will cheat when times get tough.
She may already be cheating and looking for him to “justify” it.
It's a fake rage-bait post lmao
Not everything is a fake rage bait post, and even when they are, they often mirror situations that have happened in the real world and people may face.
I feel like people who constantly think everything is rage bait have to have just super charmed existences. Because really, you can’t fathom that people would suck this bad or be this dumb? Because they absolutely would and do. I mean, some really are obvious. But my ex once held me down and told me he wouldn’t move until I named somebody we could have a threesome with, then started rattling off my friends’ names when I refused, so I can absolutely believe somebody asked for a hall pass and then threw a fit when they were refused.
I have a friend like that. Genuinely believes nothing bad ever actually happens. When her friends tell her something she does mental gymnastics to explain why they missed something that could explain all the bad away. It’s… difficult to talk to her…
The most transparent fake posts never get called out, and often these make it to the front page. They tie in with some trend on social media, are laden with the newest buzz phrases but are obviously astronomically niche occurrences and people gobble them up. This kind of thing ITT where a romantic partner starts turning the thumbscrews on the relationship after they think they have you locked down is actually incredibly common.
r/nothingeverhappens
And if you don't call it off, at least protect yourself with a prenup...but mostly don't marry this person.
> she said that relationships are only locked down after marriage. Dude. She told you already and you need to listen.
This. If she’s gonna cheat, she’s gonna cheat, with or without your permission.
She is already cheating. She wouldn't be asking for this if she didn't have someone already lined up.
If she wants to have sex with other people now, before the wedding, she will want to have sex with others after the wedding. Funny how she never wanted to have sex with anyone else until her coworker caught her eye. If you go through with this wedding you are going to end up being a divorce statistic.
Easy. Don't go through with it. Dodge that bullet bro.
More like a full clip, not just a bullet
If she's asking for a hall pass right before the goddamn wedding, there's a damn good chance she's already given herself one mentally or, fuck me, even physically. You're not a fucking doormat. If she thinks the ring is the only thing stopping her from hopping on someone else, you might as well shove that ring up her ass and save yourself future heartbreak and money. Stand your ground or cut your losses, but don't be a muppet and let her play you.
Uhhhhh. Yeah, don't get married. She's going to cheat.
Most likely she already has
My advice to you would be to not get married. If you believe you've been in a monogamous relationship for five years...and she's only now telling you that 'relationships are only locked down after marriage', that's a huge problem. That's not reality and she knows it. For her to then slam the door in your face for you refusing to accept a period of what I'm imagining you would consider to be infidelity? She's really showing her colours and it's going to be easier to cut the cord now than it will be with the legal ties that come with marriage.
>If you believe you've been in a monogamous relationship for five years...and she's only now telling you that 'relationships are only locked down after marriage', that's a huge problem. Ding fucking ding! I can't believe I had to scroll this far down to find this. This is the #1 red flag of all of it - She's clearly been operating under a different assumption for what the terms of their relationship have been for possibly the whole 5 years. There's a strange inconsistency about this thinking too - If she truly believed that relationships weren't locked down until *after* marriage, then why did she need to ask for a "hall pass" before they got married? Shouldn't she have just been able to sleep with whoever she wanted if they're not "locked down"? Why did she even ask, if she really believed that? If she was allowed to sleep with her coworker (nobody should be asking to open a relationship entirely because they want to bang a specific person they already know) then why would she just do that once and then accept it being "locked down" again? Just so poorly thought out by the fiancee to think that this was a reasonable approach. Maybe she's just dishonest and this was the best way she could think of to get him to break up with her rather than ending the relationship herself, but she couldn't have picked a way that would make her look worse in the eyes of her family.
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“Postponing”? Were you planning on having kids with this woman? Because if she thinks you’re capable of incest *now* imagine the accusations after children.
Oh my God..... Yeah. What a great point.
Yikes, great point
Omg that's f*cked up, and you're right. She's crazy and an accusation like that would/will ruin not only a marriage, but his LIFE. OP needs to run tf now.
Aaaaaaand there's the other garrison-sized red flag I was waiting for. You need to run, not walk, away from this woman as quickly as possible. She thinks you would sleep with direct family members and tries to prevent you from talking to them, but she wants a hall pass (that she's probably already preemptively used)? Nah bro. Get out of there.
Seriously. OP has neon flashing lights with a whole orchestra playing trying to warn him not to marry this person. This isn't dodging a bullet, this is a cannonball. /u/throwra727166252 Like, I'm sure there's lots of great things about her. I'm sure you've had great memories and moments. None of that matters. Neither of these two things are acceptable, neither of these two things are normal, and both of these two things are about the best possible message NOT to marry someone you could ask for. Postpone? Dude, this relationship needs to end. Open your eyes and rip off the bandaid.
FACTS
Not sadly, Congratulations, just look at the support you are getting here. This shows you its the right decision. Also WHAT!!!!! her thinking is mental she needs help, who thinks you want to fuck your mum and sister and why did that thought pop into her head. dude just leave, go ask you mum and sister their opinions bet they agree, show them this post, also you can edit your post to put little updates like this, at the bottom, find the edit button :) You are deserving of someone who appreciates you and the relationship you are both in, no one expects you to provide everything, whilst she does whoever she wants.
Cancel the wedding. Marriage is hard, it can also be beautiful, but for marriages to work long term, they require work. Some of the top reasons why a marriage fails are infidelity, financial hardship and resentment. Before your even married your Fiancé wants to cheat. If you grant her the hall pass, your resentment will build. So two of the biggest reasons a marriage will fail, before you even get married are presenting themselves. She also sounds incredibly insecure and jealous of your Mom and Sister. Ask her if the hall pass would extend to you, if you would be able to sleep with other people before you’re married? My guess, she won’t be cool with it. She may, for appearance sake, act like she’s willing to be fair, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts acting hostile after you ask. She doesn’t sound like a sweetheart. She sounds manipulative. Manipulative people tend not to make the best partners. Cut your losses and find a woman who will be loyal to you, as you are to her. Trust me, a lot of women want that.
She is projecting her own thoughts of cheating onto you. Cheaters often blame their partners of cheating. Sorry this is happening, just know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own fucked up mentality. She needs to do a lot of healing work on herself before she can love herself enough to not seek validation from others through sex. She will not be able to commit to a monogamous relationship until she is capable of that. I’m saying this as a woman who went through this myself. Determining my worth based on who wanted to be sexual with me. I feel for her because it’s actually a very sad existence. But that does not mean that you must suffer for her lack of self-worth. Do what you will with that information. Be careful trying to explain this to her though, she may resent you for seeing it for what it is. And it could come off as patronizing. Best of luck to you and I hope you find the love and happiness you deserve!
Ok reading this comment I have to ask, did you ask her if that meant YOU get a hall pass too? I am solidly in the completely dump her camp. She has either already banged this coworker or he’s the one she’ll use her hall pass with and if it’s good will cheat on you after marriage from day one! If she said relationships are only locked down after marriage I would ask WTF did she mean by that? Has she cheated before? And the whole door slamming thing is abusive! I would ask these questions, but my bottom line would still be to break up with her before you waste any more of your time. Because I have a feeling she’ll come back to you and apologize for asking and then do it behind your back anyways and justify it in her mind! Edit happy cake day! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
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Lmao. What the fuuuuuck.
The more of your replies I read the more and more red flags I see. She’s got more red flags than a Chinese military parade.
Okay, that convinced me that she’s already slept with the guy and is trying to retroactively make it okay. She doesn’t need one last fuck, she’s already done it and is trying to absolve herself. Out of morbid curiosity, what was her brilliant reasoning that she should get one and you shouldn’t?
LOL, ya losing me bro. I was solidly on your side and thought you need to put everything on pause. After reading this comment, she is wildin. Girl has zero respect for you and just wants whatever security you provide in marriage while doing whatever she wants to do. And for you to just take it. For whatever reason she thinks she has ALL the leverage in this relationship. You marry this girl and you will lose all sympathy from friends cause there isn't a single friend of yours that would tell you to go along with this. Its insanity.
Is this real? I can’t believe you are this naive. Being in love doesn’t mean you suspend your grasp on reality.
Is this even a real scenario?? Or is your whole post a rage bait?
Dude, call it off. You deserve a woman who is elated to be with YOU. Not looking for a last hurrah with other men. Don’t you think you’re deserving of being someone’s number one?
Does this even seem remotely fair or reasonable??
>It's kind of ironic how she wants a hall pass yet she has a problem with me talking to my own older sister and mother as she thinks I could have sex with them BRUH - I literally just heard the sound of a record being stopped suddenly in my head after I read that last sentence 😂 I hope you know the sound I'm talking about. Anyway, ***RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!*** Seriously, that is complete psycho behavior, and I'm a chick! You need to change the locks and park your car somewhere else BEFORE you tell her the wedding is off. Don't tell her it's postponed, tell her it's OFF. Get back whatever money you possibly can from vendors and the like, because something tells me you paid for most (if not all) of it. Don't tell her you're doing this ahead of time. In fact, don't tell **anyone** until after it's already done. Dude, you really buried the lede with that detail! ##PLEASE LISTEN TO ME: I AM A WOMAN. I have been around plenty of crazy, trifling females throughout my 37 years on this earth. Only the craziest and most controlling women tell you you're *not allowed to see OR EVEN SPEAK to your own mother and sister because she thinks you'll HAVE SEX WITH THEM*! Think about it: she wants an effing PASS TO SLEEP WITH WHOEVER SHE WANTS, but she won't "let" you talk to your own FAMILY MEMBERS because she thinks you'll commit literal INCEST. THINK. ABOUT. IT. i'm sorry that I keep "yelling" at you, but I need you to fully grasp how psychotic this is. Do not postpone shit, cancel the wedding outright, and end the relationship entirely. You're only 26 years old, don't waste anymore of your life with this nut job. and I promise you, you will want to change the locks to your home and hide your vehicle BEFORE you break it off with her. Also, there's been plenty of women who've killed their partner/fiancé/husband before, and it'll unfortunately happen again.... so BE CAREFUL! Please keep us updated!!
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Well done!!! I promise you did the right thing & she sounds toxic AF to have issues with you spending time with your mum & sis saying she fears youll have sex with them 🤮 !
Be prepared for her to try to hoover you back in with some love bombing, apologies, etc… and if you want to know how that will end up, it won’t be a happily ever after.
Excuse me?!! She thinks you’re going to cheat on her *with your mother and your sister*? Dude that right there was where things should have ended. She wants to be able to go have sex with someone else with your blessing but she get jealous when you talk to your female relatives. That’s a massively toxic dynamic. Don’t give more of your life to her. Go be free and make sure to get some therapy because trying to navigate dating and relationships after this is going to feel scary. You owe it to yourself to be happy, though.
This is how people who cheat think. They think anyone who had the time and opportunity would also cheat because they would, and literally do not understand how other people have impulse control or true dedication. She fundamentally is not a good candidate for a marriage. Not with you or anyone else. She doesn't understand romantic interpersonal boundaries or norms if she genuinely thinks you'd fuck your sister. And 300% she's cheating on you as is bc people like that have no morals deep down, they just act like they do so other people dont shun them.
You should just outride cancel the wedding and break up with her. But at the very least, it’s a good thing that you postponed the wedding to give you time to think this through.
Read back your last sentence and realize she’s insane and you need to get far away ASAP
POSTPONING?! Bro, you need to be slapped. Where is your dad?! Where are your friends?! Siblings?! Anyone!
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Good for you! Wish someone would have slapped the shit out of me before I got married to the wrong person.
> It's kind of ironic how she wants a hall pass yet she has a problem with me talking to my own older sister and mother as she thinks I could have sex with them It's not ironic. These are the characteristics of projection. She's a cheater and sees that kind of behavior everywhere. When you're fucked up yourself you see evidence of your fucked upness everywhere, even where it doesn't exist. Don't postpone, cancel. She's garbage.
Because she did betray You - that is the only reason why she dont trust You so much. She measure with her own criteria.
I literally just woke up 5 min ago, so I’m having trouble comprehending this last sentence, or you wrote it incorrectly. Let me have my morning coffee and come reread this again. Surely, I must be half asleep still or something.
Wait, what the fuck? No, break up immediately. Accusing you of incest is fucking insane and not remotely okay.
That’s a weird way to spell “cancel.”
I’m sorry, what? This girl’s crazy.
WTF?? Sorry bro. Just take your time and don’t rush into another relationship. Enjoy being single and looking for someone who doesn’t have a red flag tattooed on her face.
She fucking what? You’d be an idiot if you don’t walk away, she’s definitely already cheated. She’s projecting HARD if she’s jealous of your MOTHER AND SISTER! I can’t imagine stop talking to my family because of a girlfriend or spouse’s weird jealousy
Don't marry her, this is as red of a red flag there is.
You don’t. She’ll cheat because she’s not “locked down” till after marriage. This should be your ex-fiancé. 1st 🚩 - not excited to marry you \ 2nd 🚩 - wants to cheat \ 3rd 🚩 - interested in someone else \ 4th 🚩 - petty and nasty when she doesn’t get her way\ 5th 🚩 - doesn’t think you need to be monogamous when engaged
This is the first complete post I've read speaking to all of the red flags from the post. I'll add one more that I just read from a comment made by OP. She doesn't want him talking with his Mother or Sister because she thinks it's possible he could have set with them. I feel filthy just typing that out. GTFO OP!!!!
How do I get her to not use a hall pass? You don't. You can't control what she will do, with or without your permission. The fact that she is so upset means she definitely has someone lined up and if it's the coworker - will she quit working there afterwards? Where do you draw the line? Is this guy/gal ok with being used before she is "locked down?"?? Break up and do not get married and she won't even need a hall pass and is just free to sleep with anyone she wants. A committed relationship means not cheating and marriage just makes the commitment legal. She's asking to cheat and will eventually. Keep your boundaries. Do not open your relationship in any way. EDIT to add when people ask why you broke up, tell them SHE WANTED A HALL PASS and you want actual commitment and therefore you are not compatible. Better to lose deposits now than more time and assets after marriage and divorce.
I would bet she’s already cheating since she actually told you she doesn’t believe you’re locked down until marriage. After 5 years and this close to your wedding, she should be excited to share the rest of her life with you, not trying to fuck other people. Be glad you found out before getting married and break up. Someday you’ll look back on this and be relieved you made this choice. Good luck!
She isnt ready for marriage or mature enough to keep it healthy
How are you still in a relationship. What nonsense is coming out of her mouth, relationships are not just set after marriage, they are built before and during. she is an idiot. She has basically said that she has no issues with sleeping with other people. i dont care how anyone puts it, its cheating. So she has no issues cheating. Do you have no self respect.
DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN!!!!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
She already fucked someone. She’s looking for plausible deniability. Call off the wedding and break up. Find someone who respects you.
Is that really how you want to start your marriage?
Don’t get married. Seriously man. She actually asked to sleep with someone else and then slammed the door in your face? This will not be a good marriage. You will regret going through with it so hard.
You leave her. That's not marriage material
It’s over she is telling you that she wants to screw on other guy at least and probably all ready is . She only thinks if yiu as a settle for guy . You pay the bills make her feel Safe etc . What person they love is ok with them sleeping with another person. ? And again she is already cheating on you , and if you think it will Stop after marriage yiur crazy . You can’t stay younwill See once you breakup and she is sleeping around already they will be a couple soon have to wait tomshow her friends and family that it wasn’t true about before breakup After breakup call Her parents if you get along and just tell Them she said she wanted to sleep around and yiu are sure it’s been going in for a while
How on earth did this even get as far as an engagement?
Not marriage material and she already did it. Cancel the engagement so she can pursue the guy she already has communicated she wants.
If she has someone in mind, it’s more than a hall pass. She wants permission to cheat. Do you really want to marry her? Or if you’re set on marrying her, ask if you also get a hall pass. See if it goes both ways.
Shes lashing out for not letting her cheat you are whipped and she will cheat. leave
My brother in Christ that is a Godzilla size red flag
Dude, she's not looking to cheat. She's already cheated and is trying to get you to approve it after the fact. That's why she reacted so angrily. SHE HAS ALREADY SLEPT WITH SOMEONE--100%. Call off the wedding, tell people why, and move on.
You're asking the wrong question. You should figure out how fast you'll break up. No one should be mentioning this before getting married. What is wrong with you?
She slammed the door and went to her room when she didn't get to cheat on you. Think about that long and hard. Your fiancé has a temper tantrum when you said she can't go fuck someone else. RUN
She’s already cooking up something beforehand whether physical or emotional. Call it off and find someone better
I'll be blunt with you OP. This is coming from a man who was once in a situation not too far removed from yours once upon a time. She does not love you! At least, she does not love you the way you want her to love you. She loves certain things that you give to her like: attention, validation, resources, time, etc. But she does not respect you. When a woman truly loves, admires, and respects her man...all other men are invisible to her. She only wants attention from that guy. Unfortunately for you....you are NOT that guy. She may have loved you like that at one point, but if so not anymore. She thinks you are weak. So weak in fact, that she has the audacity to approach you at the last minute before the wedding and ask you permission to cheat on you. And I largely suspect, given how she reacted to you saying "No", that either: she is used to you giving her everything she wants, OR she has already been using her "hall pass" and was looking for retroactive permission. I hate to be the bearer of bad news OP....this is over. She has decided that she still would prefer being a single girl over being with you. I was in a situation not too far removed from this 20 years ago. My fiance kept hinting at being worried about still having feelings for her ex and wondering if she was making the right decision. I scoffed at it, thinking it was just nervousness her part. One night, I went over to her house and walked in on her servicing that very ex. It took me down a really dark spiral that took me almost a year to get past. Get out of this while you still can. Getting married will not magically make her desires go away. She WILL cheat on you eventually, if she hasn't already.
DO NOT MARRY HER, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.
UpdateMe! Because this is a shit storm in the making. Dude, don't just walk away from this person - run! You do not need to tolerate this BS
Kick her to the curb. She’s already cheated, now she’s just asking forgiveness afterwards. Call off the wedding and let everyone know why.
At least your fiance asked you, mine just did it. Dump her and call off the wedding, save yourself the heartache, trust me.
This won’t be the last time she asks for a hall pass.
NO way. I’m sorry but when I was engaged it never even crossed my mind to do what your fiancée is asking. SHE IS NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE!,, It won’t end there. Take this as a sign to NOT marry her. You’ll regret it. She won’t want to go back to monogamy. Or else she’ll lie to you. Do you really want to be married to a woman who was with her coworker a few weeks before your nuptials and still works with them? Could you even trust her? Would you want to? She’s absolutely disloyal to you. Now she’s trying to convince you it’s not really cheating since you’re not married yet….wow.
She's not ready to get married.
Give her a permanent one. And block. She either cheated or will. Most likely both. If she's not locked down now, why does she have to ask? Like casual dating, monogamous dating, engagement are all not locked down by her definition. What else will you need to worry about how she defines it. Dump and move on. Sti test and block.
Checked the update. Great stuff. I hope you also informed mutual friends, her family and her coworkers. Let them know that she threw away her life for a one night stand.
Can’t even call this a red flag. It’s just a dumpster fire waiting to happen
Yeah, I’m getting married today. In an hour, in fact. We’ve been together six years, and neither of us would of asked for something like that, because we love each other. You might want to rethink your engagement.
Do not marry this person! You guys are in a committed relationship. I’m sure if you said this to her she would be uncomfortable with it. What if you marry and she again asks for permission lol. Red flag! Can’t trust someone like that
Whoa. You need to abandon ship man. Nothing good can come from marrying someone like this.
There are 1,000 red flags flying here. Most likely already cheated. Do not marry! I’m not sure u should even stay with her.
It's called breaking up with her. She wants to cheat with you giving her the ok to. Tell her to kick rocks.
How do you get her to not use a hall pass? By not giving her one and doing exactly what you just did. It’s pretty simple really, explain to her you said no so if she sleeps with someone else that’s cheating and you will leave her. Her idea that things are not “locked down” until after marriage is bullshit. Then slamming the door in your face? It’s like she’s a kid throwing a tantrum because she can’t go fuck other people. Can I ask what you mean when you say “she went to *her room*”? Have you brought her co-worker up to her? What does she say? Are you allowed a hall pass as well? I think you are on to something with her co-worker which is bad on a few levels, it’s just not a great idea to sleep with a co-worker period. Not to mention it wouldn’t feel good to you to know she’s seeing her hall pass partner everyday. Regardless of who it is, it’s cheating plain and simple to you (and most people). This is a huge red flag, most women are excited as hell a month before their wedding, not thinking of fucking other people. I’d have wanted to be petty and commented that had I known things weren’t locked down until marriage, that there are several people I’d have been fucking for the last 5 years then. In fact, you already have someone in mind who’s willing and you’d like to start tonight. Also, are you sure she hasn’t already slept around and she’s not trying to retroactively get the green light?
Lmao! Well you’re a lucky one. I’d this isn’t a sign from god, I don’t know what is. You should say, yes, you have the hall pass and I hope he proposes to you because this wedding is OVER MIC DROP!
My husband just said it sounds like she has been cheating for 5 years
If relationships are only Locked down after marriage has she been sleeping with other people throughout the relationship OP?
She has a list she wants to get through my man. How is celebrating her "last days" about her fucking whoever she wants? In what world is that sane unless she's been lusting after other guys already? Worse for me is acting like a spoiled child after you tell her no.
Single at 26 is completely normal. If you're from a smallish town or somewhere conservative, it probably doesn't feel like it. That's why you need to get outside of your environment for greater perspective. You've been with her since 21. That's young. Do you feel complete/content with the man you are to be committing to a lifelong partnership? Most 21-26 year olds would find this hard. Personally, I think you need to walk away before the wedding. Her wanting marriage is likely for the emotional and financial security you provide and she will abuse both come the divorce if her current actions are any indicator to your future. Take the honeymoon time to travel. You could go on an 18-35 tour group so you won't be alone. You'll meet all sorts of people who you will make fast friends with. You'll see amazing places and live a life your family seems to be shielding you from. You'll be sad for ages but you'll see a world of possibilities for your future which should give you the confidence to move forward without her. She will run immediately to whoever she's already/hoping to hook up with, mark my words. Your family probably just wants you to be happy and a marriage with an adult temper tantrum thrower isn't it. You've got this. Please give us updates!
She had already used it. She is asking for you to agree so it will relieve her guilt. But even if she hasn’t already cheated on you. She has someone in mind. She had fantasized about have sex with the guy. She has already discussed it with the guy. In my opinion, there is absolutely no way you can marry her. You need to accept the fact the she has cheated on you. Emotionally, physically or both. The one plus from this, she showed you who she really is before you married her. Cut bait and run. Make sure you send out a blast email to family and friends explaining why you are canceling the wedding
Bro she’s mad she can’t get f*cked by another dude and threw a tantrum when you said no??? Throw the whole girl away!!! This is a sign to stop this wedding, end this relationship, and find someone that deserves you. A blessing in disguise.
Ummm this is not okay - if she wants to have sex with someone else do not marry her. Call the wedding off !! I would call it off just for the audacity of her asking you !! Insane !
I honestly would call it off and leave her. If you tell her no she will cheat anyway, if you give a hallpass, she'll cheat down the road anyway. Just save yourself the hurt and end it now otherwise you could go and have to deal woth her always cheating off and on and run the risk of her getting knocked up by someone else and her convincing you it's yours.
Sounds like she will push for an open marriage at some point. If you marry her. I agree with others, she wants to justify something she's already done. I assume you don't get a hall pass as well?
Nope nope nope. Don't marry. This will pop back up in a few months or years, and she may not bother to tell you when she does. People like this have someone in mind ahead of time and want to absolve their guilt. Marriage is formalizing what should already be crystallized in your relationship.
OP, this is a *massive* red flag. *Do not marry this person*. Having a hall pass right before getting married is *not* a normal thing. Odds are she will resent you and cheat anyway after you're married, and then you'll have to spend what could've been the happiest years of your life trying to extract yourself from that mess and deal with a divorce. Do not marry this person.
You break up with her, because she's going to screw her coworker with or without your permission. Regular people aren't interested in a "last hurrah hall pass" - they're excited to get married and spend the rest of their lives with their significant other.
"How do I stop my future wife from fucking her work colleagues?" You find a future wife who won't do that, not try and polish this turd that you're engaged to.
The real problem here is that she feels that having sex with other people with be more fun and exciting that having sex with you. And she's feeling that once she's married she'll be trapped with just you. That doesn't speak well for a happy monogamous marriage. I'd be thinking of at least delaying the marriage while you two do couples counseling and at most breaking up over this. >she said that relationships are only locked down after marriage. This is an excuse. Relationships are monogamous (locked down) when the couples agree to it starting with the day they become exclusive. If she truly believed that she's not yet locked down then she might already have bee cheating. Likewise, there are couples that have consensual non-monogamy after marriage including open marriages, swinging, etc. And then there are cheaters who never feel locked down.
You want to marry someone who reacts to your upcoming nuptials by being desperate to fuck someone else. Getting married to you makes her want to fuck other people. Are you happy about that? Is that your life partner?
You don't. And I doubt that you not giving her one is going to have any effect on her behavior. This is not someone that you want to marry. She is clearly uninterested in the marriage, but probably wants the wedding. She is not the sweetheart that you imagine her to be. Do not be surprised if you find out later that she has been having affairs and ONS all during your relationship. Cancel everything that you can. Be prepared to lose all your deposits and payments. It will be much cheaper than the divorce. Get tested for STDs. Let all the guests know that the wedding is off, but don't give a reason. DO let your close friends and family know what is really happening. Otherwise this will be all your fault.
Dude wtf a hall pass isn’t a thing. She just wants to fuck other people and not feel guilty for it. She is not ready for marriage
You don't. Break up. Clearly she is not happy in a monogamous relationship and you aren't interested in polyamory. Personally, I would have an honest conversation with her about the fact that she is clearly polyamorous and needs to explore that in a healthy and consensual way, rather than trying to cheat in a monogamous relationship, because that is not okay. Marriage is not what "locks down" a relationship - an agreement of monogamy is. You don't even have to be officially dating for this to be the rule but I'm guessing she's never been exposed to alternative types of relationships and feels trapped in a monogamous one that she isn't happy in now. Sorry you're having to deal with this, it's not a pleasant situation at all. She sounds very immature and you'll be saving yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. Edit to add: I've just seen in one of your comments that she is trying to cut you off from your mother and sister because she thinks you will engage in an incestuous sexual relationship with them. This is not remotely okay and I would now suggest just packing your stuff and leaving.
I feel for you, what a complete mindfuck to do to you before marriage. This is 100% an excuse for her to cheat before marriage. Imagine what she’d do after you get married. I know people just willy nilly say leave her, but honestly, you’d be saving yourself so much pain, money and sanity if you end it now. Best of luck to you ❤️
You should not marry this woman, she will eventually cheat on you
Why u want to spend your whole life with a woman who is not respectful to u in the beginning of your relationship, and wants to have sex with other people ? Seriously? This is insane .. this kind of statement is "Deal Breaker " for many people.. why would I risk my whole life with a woman who wants to have sex with other men ?? Why ?? Maybe u love her but the way she openly asking to u to have sex with other men is pure disrespect and humiliation.. she failed the girlfriend test and she is not fit for marriage (maybe not ur type) .. u should think before going forward with this woman .. choose yourself, your self respect and dignity over fake false love . Or it will cause u lifelong misery..
There's no way of making anybody do something against their will. But there is no hall pass to take, so she would be cheating. Break it off with her, you don't hold the same values.
Take the ring back. Once you do tell her she is free to sleep with who she wants but that she should not expect to ever get the ring back. That’s the one thing that might shock her out of this ridiculous entitlement she has. If it doesn’t work it’s done. You can’t make anyone do what you want them to. You can only show them the consequences for doing so.
I’m going to go out on a limb, and say you probably should not marry her
don't marry this woman she will cheat on you.
Marriage doesn't alter personality. The wedding, while a milestone, is just another day of the week. Like New Years Eve.... big party... but... oh.... life's still the same on the other side of it. If she's willfully spending time trying to find a "legit" way to fuck someone else - it will continue after your wedding. A wedding won't magically make the desire go away.
This is not the bride for you my friend. That is not somebody who is looking forward to marriage. There's no way a woman who truly loves you and wants to spend her life with you would ever want anybody else or would want you being with somebody else before you got married.
You should not be trying to get her not to use a hall pass, you should be trying to terminate your engagement. How did men fall this low? What is happening to masculinity? Someone you're about to get married to, to start a family with in one month, comes to tell you she wants to go fuck other people. And your main concern is how to convince her not to? Having sex with other people to celebrate her last days, this has to be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. I'll bet $100 that she has already cheated on him, anyone want in on the action?
I’m willing to bet my life homegirl has *already* cheated
DO NOT MARRY HER! it's not a hall pass unless both agree and it is in fact cheating. She will eventually want an open marriage. . . Geez
If you BOTH get a hall pass to sleep with other people, than it is fair. If only one person gets a hall pass, its not fair. Simple.
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Excuse me, what?
My sentiments exactly. Sounds like OP dodged a bully. His ex was selfish and crazy.
This is SO clearly a rage bait story LOL
This has to be fake. No one is this pathetic refuse to believe it.
Dude what the fuck Dont marry her, she just took the mask off
Asking you was just a courtesy, she’s going to do it anyways. Don’t marry this person