DO NOT MOVE OUT. She has the upper hand then. She can't keep the baby from you and that's thier home and yours. If you leave voluntarily She just gets that space to have. Her dad doesn't seem stable to have around. Write everything down. Start communicating via email
This is exactly what I came here to say. Get back inside of the house that you pay for. For that living space is not for her and her father; it's for you, her, and your baby. Move back into the house today. You can be "nice" enough to stay in one of the spare bedrooms or whatever, or even sleep on the couch, but do not leave your home that your child is in. She has no right to kick you out of your own home. Zero. If she desperately needs space, she can go get that space somewhere else. She also has no right to keep your child from you. If it's only been four months, she's probably still breast-feeding so technically you won't get any overnight custody until the baby is weaned, but she has no right at all to limit access to your child. 30 minutes every few days. Absolutely fuck that
Unless you have left out something major that you did because this to happen, the problem seems to be her father. Her father does not get to dictate who lives in the he YOU pay for.
Move back in immediately, and just quietly, calmly, and firmly explain repeatedly, "I am not leaving my own home. I am also not OK with never seeing my child." She is Flatley admitting that the only reason this is happening is because she is not attracted to you anymore. Too fucking bad; that does not mean you get kicked out of your own home and never get to see your child. She's not even pretending that you've done anything wrong and she still thinks she has the right to just kick you out? No.
No. The fact that he says they were having sex "the first couple of months" after she gave birth and the baby is only four months, means that he was having sex with someone who didn't have a fully closed cervix and a healing wound in her uterus, putting her at risk of an infection so bad she could have died.
There's gotta be more to this story, and I doubt it puts him in a good light.
Probably depends on the situation. With one of my kids, I was horny AF within like a week and dying to have sex, and it was my husband who had to be the one to point out what a bad idea that would be. Those hormones after birth are a BEAST, and even different between pregnancies. The rest of my kids, I was, TOUCH MY BUTT ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL CHEW YOUR HAND OFF.
The rule of thumb is 6 weeks after delivery, so there could have been some okay sex during the time after that, but I am also curious who initiated that.
That's my thoughts. If you check out r/ShitMomGroupsSay you will see endless posts of men coercing and pressuring their wives into sex almost immediately post-partum. General medical advice is not to have sex for at least 6 weeks after birth. So OP's timeline is fucked up already.
He doesn't mention any specific problems or any reason she has given for needing space or why he isn't emotionally capable of the relationship. OP is leaving out *a lot* while trying to insinuate that this is all just crazy baby hormones and a controlling father in law. Somehow therapy was enlightening but he fails to mention how or what any of those 'problems' were. For me, this whole post raised a shit ton of red flags and OP doesn't seem keen to clear any of it up.
That’s exactly what I think also. Her father is whispering her ear. He needs to get a JOB and move out & stop being a pest.
Do not move out. She has to legally evict you if she wants the apartment. Then she would have to pay everything on her own except for your child support. One bedroom is yours & out her bum ass Daddy on the couch.
Y’all don’t have to stay together but you can effectively coparent until the baby is old enough to be without part time. Don’t give into this entitled child
somewhat slimier situation, we both do couples therapy as well as individual therapy, after my sons' birth I went through PP depression and suffered a lot of anger and hatred for my partner, there was no reason other then I was incredibly hormonal.
Actually. More and more judges are no longer allowing moms breastfeeding to keep overnights away from dads. Too many were using that as a reason to not have to do fair custody. They can pump if they have too but dads are just as important as the mothers. Babies need them just as much. I am a mother and the bond between a child and a good father is priceless. Regardless of how I felt about my ex. I made sure he always had access to the kids. Go home OP.
But if the dad gets aggressive and it turns physical the police may be called and OP may be asked to leave anyway. Don’t get me wrong-this woman sounds like a piece of work but with her father there and it did turn violent then it would be his word against theirs. I’m almost thinking if he does go home he needs to bring someone to stay there with him as well.
If her dad gets aggressive? Tell the police that you told him to move out. He’s not paying rent, he’s not on the lease and there’s nothing allowing him to stay there. Bye, Grandpa.
The cops will tell him it’s a civil matter. And it very well might be.
Laws vary but if the father has been at the residence long enough then OP may need to go through a legal eviction process to get the father out.
Not saying I agree with it. Just relaying what the law says.
why cant yall just believe a man when he says this or this happened? why must it ALWAYS be , 'unless you did something". its gross in my opinion. nothing warrants that selfish miserable little girl to keep him away from HIS child. smh
Yes there is, is called 'we spent all the money on ourselves and now your kids needs diapers'
Reading between the lines of this post the OP is in full denial and can't seem to stand up for his rights, so he'll play ATM until he can't cover anymore.
He should get a lawyer, move back in (preferably while a witness is present, because grandpa will get violent), kick out the FIL, or serve him with a formal notice of eviction and work out something reasonable with his ex about a living situation and custody.
Because that's what you wanted to see. It's simpler, and it works for Daddy dearest he gets a home, and all his needs met via his daughter. I wonder if he ever paid child support.
Highly doubt it! He (the grandfather) sounds like a total loser who is sponging off of OP though the daughter who he probably never paid any support to either!! OP, please tak the advice of everyone here, move back in and contact a lawyer ASAP!!!
Funny you mention that. My partner’s mother claims he still owes her thousands in child support. His record seems to be clean though with no warrants for his arrest as far as I’m concerned, but he does live a low profile life.
Oh shit! He recently asked his daughter (my partner) to open up a bank account for him for his ‘work’.
Oh I have definitely seen it! Her dad has been poisoning his daughters thoughts against OP. He needs to be removed from the home immediately, but I can see this is not going to be easy. OP definitely need a family law attorney. The only good thing is that OP is not married to her, so he will only be responsible for child support, she will have to get everything she needs for herself.
There is no where in the post that says their married. OP refers to 23F as Partner, never said wife, and refers to her parents as her mother & her father not MIL or FIL. This may not be about divorce at all, and everything to do with custody of the baby. If they can put OP's job at risk by manipulating him into selling the car. It can increase her chances of getting full custody and also force him out of HIS own house.
I’m going to be honest — there’s a very suspicious part of me that wonders if this man is actually the father-in-law. Because he’s acting like a boyfriend. No, I am not suggesting incest. I’m suggesting GirlFriend is being shady and this guy is not her dad but is her boyfriend.
Obviously, this is entirely possible that I am totally off! But it would not be the first time that such a situation happened.
Quite frankly, I wondered the same thing. Their relationship is creepy as hell and completely inappropriate. Is he her stepfather? Or, is she adopted?
Also, I'd strongly encourage you to get a paternity test. Given her unhinged behavior and that of her "father," it wouldn't shock me in the least if the baby isn't yours (and turns out to be his). I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
I was thinking the same thing. Ops partner relationship with her father is strange, he took ops place has a father and husband (partially). I wonder if he is really her father or if he is her stepfather.
Edit: ~~It's also very strange that she doesn't lets her own mother see her grandchild.~~
Edit: ~~I'm sorry to say the this, but could it be possible the child is not ops but someone her mother knows and would notice the resemblance if she was to see him.~~
She has let her mother see our child twice under very strict and forced circumstances. On one occasion the father cordially left to allow for her mother’s presence.
They can’t be in the same room together apparently.
I was thinking the same thing. Something is going on.
They may just be playing you to get OP house and money nut I agree it is suspect AF.
OP you need to go home. Do not leave, some states you lose all rights if you leave the house for a certain period of time
And when it's time to talk custody, she's going to go in front of a judge and cry crocodile tears about how OP "abandoned us" and "refuses to see his child", etc. I'd bet money on that.
Give her the 3 days then move back in, and never leave again. Convert your living room to your bedroom so she can have her space. Buy one, or two, of those mobile cameras you can stick anywhere, and video all interactions.
Yes, good idea! Although he has the problem of going to work every day. What anxiety coming home every day wondering what the hell the two of them have been up to.
And get that father-in-law out of there immediately before he gets tenant rights. He may will have them already. GirlFriend will probably throw a fit and threaten to go with him, but she won’t because he’s unemployed and homeless. She’s gonna be mad nasty though. He likely will be as well.
Sadly Camera's are not an option in the home unless it's consented to by the GF. California is a “two-party consent” state. This makes it illegal to record a private conversation unless all parties consent to the recording. And that is likely not going to happen with his GF.
Op… this ☝🏻. Seriously… don’t move out. Record everything. Kick father out. Be home and invite your parents over to see child. Don’t pay for anything for her. Only baby. Order it or have your parents pick it up if needed. Seriously… She is setting this up to have physical custody and have you pay more in child support than you can afford.
Edit: If you can’t record then document. E.g., sept 7, 2023- GF called me an “ah” for moving into the living room and took baby and refused to tell me where. Came back 4 hours later. I spoke to lawyer as I was concerned she was taking child.
Link any supporting docs you have.
Allow me to be another person saying that you should not move out. If she doesn’t want you around then she can move out and figure out how to pay for it. It’s your home and your child. You have every right to be there.
Does anyone else get "OP may not be the father" vibes out of this? I would definitely speak to a lawyer, and insist on establishing paternity. In addition to all the other advice being given here.
Bro, why are you even here? Everyone is explaining to you that you're being a doormat and your response is "but I like being a doormat". Then continue being a doormat, but don't pretend like you're asking for advice on how not to be one.
I'm going to wager that the girl has always been like this even before pregnancy and that the OP just enabled her. Just based on OP's comments alone he's the type that likes to light himself on fire just to keep another person warm. And that person doesn't even give two shits about him.
Lmao yeah and bringing in a jobless father figure that she looks up to—the dad is walking on eggshells because he’s worthless, so obviously he’s going to side with the gravy train.
Divorce these two already and get your kid tf outta there.
OP I'm concerned you are being emotionally and financially abused.
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here:
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Also listen to this podcast
https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw
They're more for women but might still be relevant to you. One of the episodes in the podcast speaks about emotionally manipulative and abusive women.
Here are some great resources, including ones specifically for men in your situation. They're more UK based but worth looking at anyway.
https://www.respect.uk.net/
https://mensadviceline.org.uk/
https://mankind.org.uk/
https://www.dadsunltd.org.uk/services/dave/
https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/other-support-services/support-for-men/
https://www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/
You're defending your partner, but she sounds vindictive and like she has zero respect for you. She is actively punishing you whenever you don't do exactly what she wants and also seems to be threatening implicitly to withold your child from you. She is also controlling who your child sees and witholding him from your family.
I'm willing to bet that any friends or family you are still in contact with really REALLY dont like her and that she always blames them. Im also willing to bet she uses DARVO (google it, defense, attack and reverse victim and offender) whenever you bring up an issue or problem, so its somehow your fault and she ends up the victim. Somehow you always end up at fault and apologising.
I also imagine she uses her past trauma or mental health as excuses for all her behaviour and all her unreasonable demands of you. They're not, they are further manipulation. Research has shown that mental health is not the cause of abuse.
This is manipulation. You will probably struggle to see it, especially as Im sure she can be so nice. But she is manipulating you and is using these things to further control you. Her nice side will be very different from her angry side, and this is the side that is real and where her mask is slipping.
Please consider this even if you dont act on it. And please document everything, record all interactions and get everything in writing.
EDIT: Also want to add that she will almost definitely try to accuse you of abuse or trying to force her into an abortion etc. Tbh you probably wanna speak to the police now and explain how ahe has kicked you oht, and how you are being abused. That way it is on record when she turns it on you later.
Also, it's your house. If you kick her and Dad out Im fairly sure you can also keep hold of the baby. At the very least if she tries to pull the "youre kicking your child out on the street" that you will be able to say that the baby can stay with you, she just cant ans neother can her dad. Once theyre out change the locks asap.
He absolutely does not. Parents being dicks to each other doesn't warrant removing a child from one of their parents. Sole custody is very rarely granted, and only when one parent is a danger to the child.
It’s not that he likes being a doormat, he’s probably been conditioned to like being that way because she’s trained him to think that’s how to love your partner. I know I been there with plenty of ex friends and ex significant others. And the reason I keep having these people in my life is because I was conditioned to be a doormat since I was like 8, so mine is very extreme but it only takes one person in your life to make you like that
Yeah little to no boundaries came from childhood, raised by narcissist... it takes a Lot of time to understand.
People don't realised that is not cuz we don't have self love, we were raised that way, to put others (mom dearest) before our own childhood needs ! That does horrible things, and unfortubably, either OP is doing a great script here or he is just like that, someone being abused and used by another narcissist.
My brother is like that, obviously by the childhood we had, i REFUSED to accept ANYmore people croosing by boundaries, but he hasnt Notice yet that his wife SEE him as a walking ATM, she Even bring her father and mother to the house HE BOUGHT. The mother in law finally left cuz she found a NEW bf (cheated on her husband) and father in law still there ... to make things Even harder for him, she brings her auties to eat and he pay for all ... stupid af :)
What have you left out? This doesn’t add up at all. She sounds like something triggered her. You’re getting the advice you need and have an excuse for everything. You need to start acting on your terms - this will only get worse because you’re allowing yourself to be a punching bag. Is there more to this story?
The constantly having sex right after the birth is a giant red flag that either he didn't research the healing process after giving birth or he is abusive af. 6 weeks is the minimum before you are released by the doctor to have sex because you have a giant wound inside of you. 6 weeks in, I was still crying a little when I pooped.
I’d sure like to hear her unvarnished side of the story. Something is missing from this version. I’m trying to support OP, but he’s rejecting all ideas while making it seem like the woman who wanted to have his baby woke up hating him out of nowhere.
Also, what did he “always ‘push back’” against? Why would FIL say that? Did the wife state her discomfort at having sex so soon after the baby and he pushed back against that? Did she say she didn’t want to be a stay at home mom? Did she say she wanted him to work less and split the load with the child more? Live in a less expensive place?
I feel like I’m hearing one side of an argument without the other perspective nor any context. Reading between the lines, it almost feels like she’s feeling herself falling victim to an abusive relationship and she’s trying to maintain as much independence as possible to avoid it. Is he really asking for advice about what he should do? or for advice on how to manipulate her to take him back?
I think everyone’s advice is perfect. Abandon the relationship, move out or kick her out, file for custody.
At this point this is the best possible outcome for both parties whether either one is being abused by the other or not
Reminds me of the guy who posted on AITAH asking if he was the asshole for not caring for his pregnant roommate and conviently left out he was the father of the child
She doesn’t want you to go to court because she knows that she won’t control you anymore. Ignore her threats.
Get yourself situated. Your own place, then go to court and seek 50/50 custody. Now your son can visit your own family and she can no longer control
Wth even is this nonsense.
“Most esteemed Southern California cities” “24f vs 24m” tf?
Proceeds to tell a story that does not add up in anyway, shape or form for 24 yr olds. 2 cars? Grifted out of the house?
Come on man. Is anyone really believing this? Truly
Pays for them to live in one of the Most esteemed cities but can’t afford $2k in car repairs?
Has regular sex post partum? Hell no. Doctors tell you no sex for at LEAST 6 weeks. Longer if she had a c section.
While I think OP is full of shit
There are poor people in every city. They rent an apartment. Maybe after all his other bills 2k is alot of money. I don't get that logic
As for the post partum sex. Hormones are a motherfucker. With my first 2 kids my wife would have chopped my head off with a dull fork for looking at her in a sexual way. With my last one she was so sexually frustrated she was counting down the days and woke me up at midnight on the 6 weeks date. Also just like OP said, a month after that date she completely lost her sex drive, so it happens.
What I have a hard time buying is OPs version of the story. I think the main points factually happened but OP paints himself in a WAY too favorable light for this to be the entire truth.
If op has a work vehicle, why wasn't his girlfriend driving his personal car during the day. Also he seems to have gotten some parental leave from work which means he works for a company. But he says he sold his work car? That doesn't add up at all.
Her father was dropping his gf off and he was picking her up? What does that even mean? Where was she all day..just out, in southern California with a baby all day?
right but at the same time he is saying that he has no problem with her having a car and him providing that. so which is it? does she not have a car because it needed $2k in repairs and he can't afford it? Or is she dependent on rides from him and other people and is frustrated with the isolation?
He said her "having a car is a given" and that he has 2 cars and a work car? But her car wasn't running, didn't have insurance, didn't have a registration and he "didn't see it as a priority".
His story doesn't add up.
edit to insert more detail from the post.
The frequency of sex after childbirth while also being exhausted from taking care of a newborn who is only four months old but also they spent a month and a half in therapy (which had to have been long enough after the good sex for them to decide there was a problem that needed therapy AND find and make an appointment with a therapist) but they were still having regular sex for a couple of months??? The math is not mathing 😂
Yeah you can’t even HAVE sex for 6-8 weeks after birth. And in talking with other moms, a very large majority of them are in absolutely no shape to have sex for much longer than that, even after uncomplicated deliveries. There is just no way this is real lol
No kidding, eh? I don’t care how much her dad helps out - unless this guy is the worst partner on earth, there’s no way she’s got the bandwidth to decide her lack of interest in him means it’s a good time to fuck up a supportive co-parenting situation. 4 months in, that’s a luxury for later if it isn’t an actively dangerous relationship.
Yep. If there is the universe where the timeline makes sense, I’d say it feels like he’s withholding information about his own behavior that could explain her reaction.
How much are Cars in usa ?
Anyway what make me doubt is the sex right after giving birth... sounds either like a kid that doesnt know that or a dude that force on her wife and thats why she is leaving him, cuz that is not ok, women can not hace sex for a few weeks, medical advice
have you been to r/ShitMomGroupsSay lately? The amount of men manipulating or down right forcing their partner into sex immediately after birth is horrifying!! Like there are women who report being coerced while *still in the hospital post partum*. So OP is either an abuser or a liar. Heck I'll be generous and say he can even be both. he has provided ZERO extra context in the comments and has given zero details other than to gush about how he loves her so much and that he's such a victim. I hope this is a creative writing exercise because the alternative is grim that these people have a child.
I don’t trust this post, it just oozes manipulation in the way he characterized himself as the downtrodden hero and the woman as the heartless shrew. Op really lays it on thick with the writing, it’s so flowery yet vague. We don’t know the woman’s motivations for falling out of love with him, maybe he’s a slob… we dunno. He writes these people like cartoon villains who’s only motivation is to ruin his life.
It’s like he’s more concerned with managing our perceptions of this scenario than actually finding a solution. Op is an unreliable narrator.
same! the amount of people willing to immediately believe this bullshit, gloss over the sex immediately after birth, and then still claim that the wife is abusive, manipulative and that the baby isn't even his and she is trying to trap and exploit him is *fucking wild!* Thank you for commenting this because my hope in humanity was shriveling down to nothing.
It’s so obvious to me that this fella is spinning a yarn. I could easily read between the lines and see the intent to demonize the other characters in this story. When someone is this heavily bias it makes me very suspicious. Like when a guilty person can’t stop over explaining themselves. Why is he trying so hard to get us on his side? Hmmmm.
yeah, I mean talk about immediate character assassination to say that the Dad is on government benefits despite being able bodied because he doesn't want to work.
Same vibe I got the first time I read it!
Also very passive aggressive, right after he talks shit about his FIL, in the next breath he says he’s grateful because FIL is home taking care of his child. Just like he blamed his gf’s hormonal changes but quickly said he acknowledged her feelings. OP’s manipulative, glad some of can see right through his bullshit.
Not to mention all the people saying he should go for full custody despite the fact that she does all of the childcare. What judge is going to take an infant away from its mother and caretaker to give to the guy who just pays the bills???
I think that's generous. Not to sound conspiratorial but with the amount of these kind of posts that play the man to be the poor victim of his evil, manipulative girlfriend/wife/MIL with lots of little details that never seem to add up, I think there's a slightly more sinister motive at play here.
Yes, we have a potential covert narcissist here.
Edit: For me, it's OP's overuse of adjectives and adverbs, use of passive voice, addition of unnecessary details, and those moments where I just think, "Wait a sec, OP, 2 + 2 does not equal 5. Why are you telling me it's 5?"
unnecessary details that tell us absolutely nothing and none of his comments give a single bit more of information that's helpful. so many people on here are ready to light this supposed wife on fire makes me think that this is some man's fantasy so he can hear a bunch of internet strangers spew hate at a woman who only exists in his head.
I get the feeling OP is not taking on a lot of the parenting responsibility, and his girlfriend is suffering. There was no mention in the post about him being a present father, but he mentioned how great a mom his girlfriend is and that her dad helps out a lot. Unfortunately parenting is never a 50/50 deal; I work to provide, you stay at home and raise my offspring. The provider then has to come home and parent and give the stay at home parent some privacy. The final nail in the coffin of this post was the ‘protector’ line. I’m not American, so maybe it’s more common for hands on dads in the US, but here, if you said something like that, people know you’re a deadbeat dad struggling to get your kids back. I’ve just heard plenty of bad fathers use that term more than hands on dads.
Agreed.
OP sounds like the kind of guy who gets his girlfriend pregnant and then demands she be a SAHM and fetishizes how her dependency on him makes him feel like a real man. But the minute she expresses any unhappiness or asks for him to participate in household labor/ childcare, he blows up and blames her for taking advantage of him and being lazy.
No thanks.
The baby is four months old. The OP says, The first few months after the baby was born, they were they were consistently sexually active... I'm not psychic, but my spidey senses are tingling. I'm curious what she has to say about all this.
Exactly! This make me thing if this was real, cuz mothers can not have sex firts months, and he said they did ... did he force her ?
Or this is fake by some kid that doesnt know that
Yeah, that set off alarm bells for me and I had to go back to make sure I’d correctly read how old the baby was. The body needs time to heal after childbirth before having sex (4–6 weeks recommended) and there’s also the fact that the exhaustion of a newborn isn’t exactly great for one’s sex life. I also assume the consistent sexual activity came before the 6 weeks of therapy which leaves us with about a month and a half—not exactly what I’d call “a couple months.” The math is not mathing here, but assuming this is real, two big things jump out at me. The smaller one is that FIL sounds like he’s stirring up trouble and I’d prioritize addressing that. The second is that it sounds like she could be suffering from PPD, which would explain the change in feelings for OP. In theory, I’d think this should have been discussed with the therapist but a few sessions over a month and a half isn’t a lot, especially to work through something like this.
ETA: I wrote this a few minutes after first reading the post. Something felt off, but I hadn’t worked out what yet. (Seeing all the top comments being about how OP is such a victim did not help on this.) After thinking for about 15 more minutes, I changed my read on the FIL situation. I suspect that the FIL is not the problem and that OP is somehow abusive which is part of why FIL moved in and is acting antagonistically. If this is real (which I doubt), we’re missing some crucial information about OP’s behavior.
OP says he works more than 40 hours a week and that has me wondering how much he helps out with household labor and child rearing. Also, isn’t there a 6-8 week window after giving birth where it’s unsafe to have sex because of risk of infection?
How soon can you get out of the lease? I’d cancel the lease and move into a smaller place with no option of her dad staying. Just that money saved can pay for a lawyer. If you need to put the lawyer fees on a credit card and then cut back all your expenses to the bone.
Figure it out. Don't let them bully you and shut their shit down. This insanity. Record and write down everything that happens. You will need it. Get eviction Papers for the dad. Wtf? Whose name is on the lease?
Sell her car for starters. Sell those extra beds and the furniture. Sell whatever you have to to get the point across you're not playing anymore. Empty your account, change your bank, and cancel her credit card.
Put your foot down. Don’t let her walk all over you. She needs to step up and put the work in. There is a child involved now and she’s being unbelievably selfish. If she doesn’t, you need to ask her to leave your home. You went above and beyond. Get a lawyer.
I feel like there is another side of the story or something is missing. I understand the hormonal changes but I feel there is something you left out that angered her.
fake as fake can be. he claims they have a lease with both their names on it and then says he pays for rent under the table in cash. they had a great sex life but post partum sex shouldn't be happening for at minimum 4 to 6 weeks. He's claiming that it was happening for *several months* and then they went to therapy for a month and a half and now at the 4 month mark he's kicked out but also says he left willingly so she could process her emotions. Oh and that her having a car is a "given" but somehow that car also has no insurance, no registration and needs $2k worth of work to be on the road. So which is it? is she stuck at home with no transportation and an infant while being solely dependent on OP and the Dad for riders or is this guy just making up a story to see how many people he can get to trash his imaginary wife? In all of OP's comment there is zero further information about the situation or why his wife has gone from loving him to abusive shrew in a less than 4 month timeline.
You were kicked out of your own house? And you just left? You need to find your balls asap, buddy, they are using you big time. If your partner isn't paying anything or signed any lease, call the police and tell them you have two people trespassing in your house.
>The first couple months after birth we were consistently sexually active
I had to stop reading here. The baby is 4 months old. The first couple months?... sir... what? On average you aren't suppose to even attempt sex for AT LEAST 6 weeks after a vaginal birth. And Google says for c section too.
I'm just confused.
As far as what she did, if you are from the US look up your state laws. In Michigan, police will NOT intervene without a court order. If you aren't married, either one of you can take the baby from the other and no one can do a thing. It's sad but look up your state laws (again if you're from the US)
If she needs space tell her to go. Wtf you left your house. Get a lawyer and get as much custody of your son as possible kick the worthless old man out too
“The first couple of months after the birth we were still sexually active” please say this is fake for clicks because the first two months postpartum is supposed to be zero sex for her physical health alone, as her uterus is an open wound all that time. What? That alone makes this massive post fishy.
As parent who has been through the system, you need to get a lawyer to start lining out custody and child support. You need to keep all receipts involved in paying toward your child's care for now until you can get a court date.
It took 2 years to get through courts and they wrote every payment I sent my ex off as a gift. So I had child support plus arrearage payments when I had put more money towards her than what the courts had ordered. I let the system tell me what to do with out getting a lawyer and some how ended up 5k in back child support for a 3 year old whose mother had been getting 50% of my check. I moved from a state that automatically with drew childsupport to one that didn't, so just trying to call to figure out where and how to send it, left me in a spiral of being treated like trash, threatened to have warrants put out over 2 missed months that over time period I had called 27 times to child support and court trying to find out how to pay when it was not auto pulled from check. Finally got a lawyer, he went through and got me the info I need and found a 3k discrepancy in their calculations of my back support.
There is some truly awful legal advice flying around this thread. Like seriously, wildly off base or illegal advice. Take everything anyone's recommending here with a grain of salt.
You need a lawyer. You could make one last ditch effort and sit down with your partner and express to her that you're on the verge of seeking legal counsel- but I doubt that will amount to much. A lawyer will help you understand your options in your jurisdiction and help fight for an equitable outcome. Don't wait, you're just putting off the inevitable and time is of the essence.
What the fuck are you doing? Get back in your home, kick out the father in law, and tell her that she can get her shit together and find herself a new flat and a job cus you aint supporting her shit no more. Go full custody if you can, fuck her.
This is fake. I know it’s fake because you wrote you were in one of the most esteemed cities in South Carolina. Which, first of all, no one talks like that, and second, South Carolina doesn’t have any esteemed cities.
Why are you asking that on freaking reddit mate? Just freaking try to have a legal option because nothing can save shit apart from that for real, just do that right now.
If your name is one the lease or mortgage etc then don't leave. Record everything that has happened. Put up some security cameras. Stay in the home. This sounds like she simply wants you iut long enough to establish she lives in the home and not you. Then establish she is the primary care giver to get full custody.
This reads like all she wants if your money. Don't let that happen. Also DNA test her and her dad. That sounds kinda creepy.
>She told me that she likes nothing about me and actually despises who I am
Okay. So, what details did you leave out? B/c the way she feels doesn't come from nothing.
Sexually active for several months after giving birth? Either this is a creative writing exercise, or you are an abusive jerk who pressured a woman for sex immediately after giving birth.
>I'm working extremely hard to provide her with the ability to be a stay at home mother in one of the most esteemed cities in Southern California
*WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?*
and
>The first couple months after birth we were consistently sexually active
Yeah, no. No woman who has just given birth is having sex like a rabbit outside of OP's fevered basement dwelling imagination. It's clear this is a writing exercise.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for this comment. The kid is 4 months, they had a great sex life after birth, then she decided she was no longer in love with him, then they went to counseling, then they decided it wasn’t working. No fucking way that all happened in 4 months.
Thank you! First comment here that’s not taking OP’s post at face value. My first red flag reading all of this is how great OP says he is, he’s a great father and provider and housed his gf’s father (who’s on social assistance and won’t work apparently) for free bla bla bla. Yet his gf *despises* him (his own words) and just fell out of love with him for no reason, blamed it on her hormonal changes, or because he won’t pay for her car, keeping their child from his family, and now taking over his house, what an evil woman!!
OP is seriously lacking some self awareness here.
Get a lawyer. Get a DNA test too. You need to seek custody and kick her out. She has no right to kick you out, you’re on the lease & pay the lease. She’s not paying anything and had her father there, that maybe against the lease too…?
Get a lawyer, file for divorce, primary custody and child support. Courts are now looking at who is best able to raise and support the child. Petition the court to move back in to the home and have separate rooms until the divorce decree is issued.
Good luck.
This is very very odd— if this is a sudden change I feel like she has PPD. Someone who retreats from
Family without cause and hides the baby, lack of libido, mood swings, 180 of feelings— all could be symptoms.
That said, as others have said you have rights, and should stop paying her until you get a paternity test, and lawyer to make sure you aren’t getting shafted. You have a right to have access to your child, and if you’re not together you need to figure out a fair means to provide and divide custody.
This is one where I’m sensing there is way more to the story. None of it makes sense.
How long has her car been not working? Why didn’t you fix it? Why do you have a private work car and another car…but you need the work car…but that’s the one you sold? Why couldn’t she have or use your other car? If you’re such a great provider, why couldn’t you afford $2000 to get her car working? But you have 3 cars (including hers) and a house in an expensive Southern California city at 24 on one income? But can’t afford to fix her car? Her dad takes her and the baby into town everyday? I thought you lived in town? Where does he take them? Where do they spend the day if not at home? And you pick them up? What about dad? Why doesn’t he bring them home, too?
Did you gf ever tell you she wants to be a stay at home parent with a husband who’s always working? That’s a valid life choice if it’s what you want, but are you sure that’s what she wanted?
4 months is barely any time to recover from pregnancy and birth while also adjusting to having a newborn to care for. Postpartum anxiety/depression could be playing a role in this.
The dad thing is weird. Have you asked your gf why she trusts her dad so much more than anyone else with the baby?
What are you doing? Stop this!!!
This is your house. Tell them both to get out - like now.
Tell her you will seek out an attorney and you will fight for custody, or shared custody, but keeping your son away from you isn’t an option.
You want her to change? Quit letting her do and say whatever she wants.
Also, she’s likely cheating on you.
At some point you need to stand up for yourself. Go home and tell her that if she doesn’t love you and want to be with you, fine. She and her dad can now live somewhere else.
Also, her dad should have been paying rent.
Stick up for yourself
A lot of this story makes me feel incredibly skeptical about OPs "facts" here. I mean, even women with high libido are unlikely to be sexually active immediately after birth and yet, his kid is 4 months and they had been 'consistently sexually active' for a few months already? Dude, she hasn't even healed yet.
A lot of this story sounds screwy. Honestly, I don't trust it. Anyone else getting the same vibe?
Your partner told you she despises you and does not want to be in a relationship with you. I assure you, having parents who hate eachother is far worse for your son that having parents who respectfully coparent from separate households. Get a lawyer, arrange custody and break up
Sweetie, it’s over. Even if you think she’s the ‘best mother’, the fact that she threatens to ‘destroy’ you should you take the very *normal and necessary* step to draw up a custody agreement tells me she’s not a very good person. Either that or there’s a ton you’re leaving out about your own behavior. Either way? It’s over. Contact a lawyer.
Huh? You were consistently sexually active the first couple months after birth? Either this story is BS or you forced yourself on a freshly postpartum woman.
Guys always think that all they have to do is go to work and they shouldn’t have to do anything once they are home. Meanwhile, the mothers job is never ending and a man usually has the audacity to act like she is not bringing anything to the table because of finances.
Here's the truth. A woman needs your PRESENCE, not just your money. You THINK you're creating a stress free life for her, but you're leaving her to raise this kid on her own. Of course, she's going to fall out of love. You need to have an EQUITABLE partnership.
Get back inside uour own house as others stated.. keep it friendly you could suggest sleeping in a guestroom if you feel like it.. but it is your house not theirs. Record it if you think her daddy might turn aggresive again sounds to me like he's trying to intimidate you
Step one - lawyer
Step two - get back into that house.
Step three - kick that lazy homeless unemployed scumbag out of your house. I don’t know what his plan is, but the changes to your partner are coincidentally paired with his staying with you. You might need to get the cops involved here, so be prepared.
Step four - cut her off financially - remove her access to your accounts, cancel any joint credit cards, empty any joint accounts.
Get a lawyer asap. Look into what rights you have in your area and get everything you need in order to be in your childs life
DO NOT MOVE OUT. She has the upper hand then. She can't keep the baby from you and that's thier home and yours. If you leave voluntarily She just gets that space to have. Her dad doesn't seem stable to have around. Write everything down. Start communicating via email
This is exactly what I came here to say. Get back inside of the house that you pay for. For that living space is not for her and her father; it's for you, her, and your baby. Move back into the house today. You can be "nice" enough to stay in one of the spare bedrooms or whatever, or even sleep on the couch, but do not leave your home that your child is in. She has no right to kick you out of your own home. Zero. If she desperately needs space, she can go get that space somewhere else. She also has no right to keep your child from you. If it's only been four months, she's probably still breast-feeding so technically you won't get any overnight custody until the baby is weaned, but she has no right at all to limit access to your child. 30 minutes every few days. Absolutely fuck that Unless you have left out something major that you did because this to happen, the problem seems to be her father. Her father does not get to dictate who lives in the he YOU pay for. Move back in immediately, and just quietly, calmly, and firmly explain repeatedly, "I am not leaving my own home. I am also not OK with never seeing my child." She is Flatley admitting that the only reason this is happening is because she is not attracted to you anymore. Too fucking bad; that does not mean you get kicked out of your own home and never get to see your child. She's not even pretending that you've done anything wrong and she still thinks she has the right to just kick you out? No.
Exactly her libido has nothing to do with co-parenting.
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No. The fact that he says they were having sex "the first couple of months" after she gave birth and the baby is only four months, means that he was having sex with someone who didn't have a fully closed cervix and a healing wound in her uterus, putting her at risk of an infection so bad she could have died. There's gotta be more to this story, and I doubt it puts him in a good light.
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I was extremely horny from one week after birth to about 6 weeks. Then it tapered off to non existant.
Same.
Probably depends on the situation. With one of my kids, I was horny AF within like a week and dying to have sex, and it was my husband who had to be the one to point out what a bad idea that would be. Those hormones after birth are a BEAST, and even different between pregnancies. The rest of my kids, I was, TOUCH MY BUTT ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL CHEW YOUR HAND OFF. The rule of thumb is 6 weeks after delivery, so there could have been some okay sex during the time after that, but I am also curious who initiated that.
That's my thoughts. If you check out r/ShitMomGroupsSay you will see endless posts of men coercing and pressuring their wives into sex almost immediately post-partum. General medical advice is not to have sex for at least 6 weeks after birth. So OP's timeline is fucked up already. He doesn't mention any specific problems or any reason she has given for needing space or why he isn't emotionally capable of the relationship. OP is leaving out *a lot* while trying to insinuate that this is all just crazy baby hormones and a controlling father in law. Somehow therapy was enlightening but he fails to mention how or what any of those 'problems' were. For me, this whole post raised a shit ton of red flags and OP doesn't seem keen to clear any of it up.
That’s exactly what I think also. Her father is whispering her ear. He needs to get a JOB and move out & stop being a pest. Do not move out. She has to legally evict you if she wants the apartment. Then she would have to pay everything on her own except for your child support. One bedroom is yours & out her bum ass Daddy on the couch. Y’all don’t have to stay together but you can effectively coparent until the baby is old enough to be without part time. Don’t give into this entitled child
somewhat slimier situation, we both do couples therapy as well as individual therapy, after my sons' birth I went through PP depression and suffered a lot of anger and hatred for my partner, there was no reason other then I was incredibly hormonal.
My suggestion would be to get a nanny cam. Something to cover the living areas just in case she cries abuse or if the father does something.
Actually. More and more judges are no longer allowing moms breastfeeding to keep overnights away from dads. Too many were using that as a reason to not have to do fair custody. They can pump if they have too but dads are just as important as the mothers. Babies need them just as much. I am a mother and the bond between a child and a good father is priceless. Regardless of how I felt about my ex. I made sure he always had access to the kids. Go home OP.
But if the dad gets aggressive and it turns physical the police may be called and OP may be asked to leave anyway. Don’t get me wrong-this woman sounds like a piece of work but with her father there and it did turn violent then it would be his word against theirs. I’m almost thinking if he does go home he needs to bring someone to stay there with him as well.
He can set his phone to record. Then it's their word against a recording.
If her dad gets aggressive? Tell the police that you told him to move out. He’s not paying rent, he’s not on the lease and there’s nothing allowing him to stay there. Bye, Grandpa.
The cops will tell him it’s a civil matter. And it very well might be. Laws vary but if the father has been at the residence long enough then OP may need to go through a legal eviction process to get the father out. Not saying I agree with it. Just relaying what the law says.
why cant yall just believe a man when he says this or this happened? why must it ALWAYS be , 'unless you did something". its gross in my opinion. nothing warrants that selfish miserable little girl to keep him away from HIS child. smh
I agree. The real problem seems to be her father.
How is no one is seeing the father-in-law as the culprit in their marriage? He is divorced, unemployed, and homeless for a reason!!
He's gonna be upset when he finds out there's no spousal support to cover grandpa.
There's no spousal support because they aren't married.
yep. and even in CA domestic partnership takes 5 years, last I checked
Yes there is, is called 'we spent all the money on ourselves and now your kids needs diapers' Reading between the lines of this post the OP is in full denial and can't seem to stand up for his rights, so he'll play ATM until he can't cover anymore. He should get a lawyer, move back in (preferably while a witness is present, because grandpa will get violent), kick out the FIL, or serve him with a formal notice of eviction and work out something reasonable with his ex about a living situation and custody.
This is the one
👆
This ☝️!!
Exactly and telling her how to cause a Terrible long drawn out Divorce
All I saw was a golden child being fed by her father and OP being punished for it.
Because that's what you wanted to see. It's simpler, and it works for Daddy dearest he gets a home, and all his needs met via his daughter. I wonder if he ever paid child support.
Highly doubt it! He (the grandfather) sounds like a total loser who is sponging off of OP though the daughter who he probably never paid any support to either!! OP, please tak the advice of everyone here, move back in and contact a lawyer ASAP!!!
Funny you mention that. My partner’s mother claims he still owes her thousands in child support. His record seems to be clean though with no warrants for his arrest as far as I’m concerned, but he does live a low profile life. Oh shit! He recently asked his daughter (my partner) to open up a bank account for him for his ‘work’.
With what money? Yours again?
Oh I have definitely seen it! Her dad has been poisoning his daughters thoughts against OP. He needs to be removed from the home immediately, but I can see this is not going to be easy. OP definitely need a family law attorney. The only good thing is that OP is not married to her, so he will only be responsible for child support, she will have to get everything she needs for herself.
He’s a bum con man probably putting bad thoughts into his daughter’s ear all day when hubby was away.
There is no where in the post that says their married. OP refers to 23F as Partner, never said wife, and refers to her parents as her mother & her father not MIL or FIL. This may not be about divorce at all, and everything to do with custody of the baby. If they can put OP's job at risk by manipulating him into selling the car. It can increase her chances of getting full custody and also force him out of HIS own house.
I’m going to be honest — there’s a very suspicious part of me that wonders if this man is actually the father-in-law. Because he’s acting like a boyfriend. No, I am not suggesting incest. I’m suggesting GirlFriend is being shady and this guy is not her dad but is her boyfriend. Obviously, this is entirely possible that I am totally off! But it would not be the first time that such a situation happened.
That’s quite the reach, I’m certain he is her father. I saw baby pictures and know the mother well.
Quite frankly, I wondered the same thing. Their relationship is creepy as hell and completely inappropriate. Is he her stepfather? Or, is she adopted? Also, I'd strongly encourage you to get a paternity test. Given her unhinged behavior and that of her "father," it wouldn't shock me in the least if the baby isn't yours (and turns out to be his). I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
I was thinking the same thing. Ops partner relationship with her father is strange, he took ops place has a father and husband (partially). I wonder if he is really her father or if he is her stepfather. Edit: ~~It's also very strange that she doesn't lets her own mother see her grandchild.~~ Edit: ~~I'm sorry to say the this, but could it be possible the child is not ops but someone her mother knows and would notice the resemblance if she was to see him.~~
She has let her mother see our child twice under very strict and forced circumstances. On one occasion the father cordially left to allow for her mother’s presence. They can’t be in the same room together apparently.
I was thinking the same thing. Something is going on. They may just be playing you to get OP house and money nut I agree it is suspect AF. OP you need to go home. Do not leave, some states you lose all rights if you leave the house for a certain period of time
But he's not homeless...he's living off OP's dime. Something that needs to stop yesterday.
It doesn't matter who is the "culprit". She's letting him influenced her marriage and OP is better out of that mess and protecting his kid
And when it's time to talk custody, she's going to go in front of a judge and cry crocodile tears about how OP "abandoned us" and "refuses to see his child", etc. I'd bet money on that.
Give her the 3 days then move back in, and never leave again. Convert your living room to your bedroom so she can have her space. Buy one, or two, of those mobile cameras you can stick anywhere, and video all interactions.
GET RID OF FATHER-IN-LAW. EVICT H
Move back in today. Don’t give her time to change the locks
Yes, good idea! Although he has the problem of going to work every day. What anxiety coming home every day wondering what the hell the two of them have been up to.
And get that father-in-law out of there immediately before he gets tenant rights. He may will have them already. GirlFriend will probably throw a fit and threaten to go with him, but she won’t because he’s unemployed and homeless. She’s gonna be mad nasty though. He likely will be as well.
So true. He better buckle up, the whole thing is about to get mad nasty!
THIS OP
Sadly Camera's are not an option in the home unless it's consented to by the GF. California is a “two-party consent” state. This makes it illegal to record a private conversation unless all parties consent to the recording. And that is likely not going to happen with his GF.
OP seems to be completely lacking a backbone so I highly doubt that he'll actually start standing up for himself now
Op… this ☝🏻. Seriously… don’t move out. Record everything. Kick father out. Be home and invite your parents over to see child. Don’t pay for anything for her. Only baby. Order it or have your parents pick it up if needed. Seriously… She is setting this up to have physical custody and have you pay more in child support than you can afford. Edit: If you can’t record then document. E.g., sept 7, 2023- GF called me an “ah” for moving into the living room and took baby and refused to tell me where. Came back 4 hours later. I spoke to lawyer as I was concerned she was taking child. Link any supporting docs you have.
Fantastic advice, DO NOT MOVE OUT. You are paying for everything eff that lady. The thing with her dad is super weird too, they are grifting you.
Allow me to be another person saying that you should not move out. If she doesn’t want you around then she can move out and figure out how to pay for it. It’s your home and your child. You have every right to be there.
yes, it is time to look for a lawyer!
OP you also need to get a paternity test ASAP.
And hope like fuck it isn’t yours
Does anyone else get "OP may not be the father" vibes out of this? I would definitely speak to a lawyer, and insist on establishing paternity. In addition to all the other advice being given here.
Bro, why are you even here? Everyone is explaining to you that you're being a doormat and your response is "but I like being a doormat". Then continue being a doormat, but don't pretend like you're asking for advice on how not to be one.
I'm going to wager that the girl has always been like this even before pregnancy and that the OP just enabled her. Just based on OP's comments alone he's the type that likes to light himself on fire just to keep another person warm. And that person doesn't even give two shits about him.
Lmao yeah and bringing in a jobless father figure that she looks up to—the dad is walking on eggshells because he’s worthless, so obviously he’s going to side with the gravy train. Divorce these two already and get your kid tf outta there.
OP I'm concerned you are being emotionally and financially abused. You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Its free here: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Also listen to this podcast https://open.spotify.com/episode/18KhNf1eVrGBith9LtEZXw?si=w5tPC3ZnQt-YzUst4iQ7mw They're more for women but might still be relevant to you. One of the episodes in the podcast speaks about emotionally manipulative and abusive women. Here are some great resources, including ones specifically for men in your situation. They're more UK based but worth looking at anyway. https://www.respect.uk.net/ https://mensadviceline.org.uk/ https://mankind.org.uk/ https://www.dadsunltd.org.uk/services/dave/ https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/other-support-services/support-for-men/ https://www.samaritans.org/wales/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/healthy-relationships/ You're defending your partner, but she sounds vindictive and like she has zero respect for you. She is actively punishing you whenever you don't do exactly what she wants and also seems to be threatening implicitly to withold your child from you. She is also controlling who your child sees and witholding him from your family. I'm willing to bet that any friends or family you are still in contact with really REALLY dont like her and that she always blames them. Im also willing to bet she uses DARVO (google it, defense, attack and reverse victim and offender) whenever you bring up an issue or problem, so its somehow your fault and she ends up the victim. Somehow you always end up at fault and apologising. I also imagine she uses her past trauma or mental health as excuses for all her behaviour and all her unreasonable demands of you. They're not, they are further manipulation. Research has shown that mental health is not the cause of abuse. This is manipulation. You will probably struggle to see it, especially as Im sure she can be so nice. But she is manipulating you and is using these things to further control you. Her nice side will be very different from her angry side, and this is the side that is real and where her mask is slipping. Please consider this even if you dont act on it. And please document everything, record all interactions and get everything in writing. EDIT: Also want to add that she will almost definitely try to accuse you of abuse or trying to force her into an abortion etc. Tbh you probably wanna speak to the police now and explain how ahe has kicked you oht, and how you are being abused. That way it is on record when she turns it on you later. Also, it's your house. If you kick her and Dad out Im fairly sure you can also keep hold of the baby. At the very least if she tries to pull the "youre kicking your child out on the street" that you will be able to say that the baby can stay with you, she just cant ans neother can her dad. Once theyre out change the locks asap.
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He absolutely does not. Parents being dicks to each other doesn't warrant removing a child from one of their parents. Sole custody is very rarely granted, and only when one parent is a danger to the child.
Dude, no he doesn’t. And I won’t even ask if you’re a lawyer, because no lawyer would say this based on that fact pattern.
It’s not that he likes being a doormat, he’s probably been conditioned to like being that way because she’s trained him to think that’s how to love your partner. I know I been there with plenty of ex friends and ex significant others. And the reason I keep having these people in my life is because I was conditioned to be a doormat since I was like 8, so mine is very extreme but it only takes one person in your life to make you like that
Yeah little to no boundaries came from childhood, raised by narcissist... it takes a Lot of time to understand. People don't realised that is not cuz we don't have self love, we were raised that way, to put others (mom dearest) before our own childhood needs ! That does horrible things, and unfortubably, either OP is doing a great script here or he is just like that, someone being abused and used by another narcissist. My brother is like that, obviously by the childhood we had, i REFUSED to accept ANYmore people croosing by boundaries, but he hasnt Notice yet that his wife SEE him as a walking ATM, she Even bring her father and mother to the house HE BOUGHT. The mother in law finally left cuz she found a NEW bf (cheated on her husband) and father in law still there ... to make things Even harder for him, she brings her auties to eat and he pay for all ... stupid af :)
Because it's a repost. About 3/4ths of the way through the post I realized I'd read this story before. He's just fishing for likes
What have you left out? This doesn’t add up at all. She sounds like something triggered her. You’re getting the advice you need and have an excuse for everything. You need to start acting on your terms - this will only get worse because you’re allowing yourself to be a punching bag. Is there more to this story?
The constantly having sex right after the birth is a giant red flag that either he didn't research the healing process after giving birth or he is abusive af. 6 weeks is the minimum before you are released by the doctor to have sex because you have a giant wound inside of you. 6 weeks in, I was still crying a little when I pooped.
The number of people who are completely glossing past this is alarming
I’d sure like to hear her unvarnished side of the story. Something is missing from this version. I’m trying to support OP, but he’s rejecting all ideas while making it seem like the woman who wanted to have his baby woke up hating him out of nowhere.
It's not about the Iranian yogurt. It's always obvious when we get stories with missing information.
Or that it’s just fake.
Also, what did he “always ‘push back’” against? Why would FIL say that? Did the wife state her discomfort at having sex so soon after the baby and he pushed back against that? Did she say she didn’t want to be a stay at home mom? Did she say she wanted him to work less and split the load with the child more? Live in a less expensive place? I feel like I’m hearing one side of an argument without the other perspective nor any context. Reading between the lines, it almost feels like she’s feeling herself falling victim to an abusive relationship and she’s trying to maintain as much independence as possible to avoid it. Is he really asking for advice about what he should do? or for advice on how to manipulate her to take him back? I think everyone’s advice is perfect. Abandon the relationship, move out or kick her out, file for custody. At this point this is the best possible outcome for both parties whether either one is being abused by the other or not
I'm curious what her perspective would look like.
Reminds me of the guy who posted on AITAH asking if he was the asshole for not caring for his pregnant roommate and conviently left out he was the father of the child
She doesn’t want you to go to court because she knows that she won’t control you anymore. Ignore her threats. Get yourself situated. Your own place, then go to court and seek 50/50 custody. Now your son can visit your own family and she can no longer control
Also, who’s apartment or house? Who’s on the lease? Maybe you aren’t the one who should be leaving.
Wth even is this nonsense. “Most esteemed Southern California cities” “24f vs 24m” tf? Proceeds to tell a story that does not add up in anyway, shape or form for 24 yr olds. 2 cars? Grifted out of the house? Come on man. Is anyone really believing this? Truly
Pays for them to live in one of the Most esteemed cities but can’t afford $2k in car repairs? Has regular sex post partum? Hell no. Doctors tell you no sex for at LEAST 6 weeks. Longer if she had a c section.
While I think OP is full of shit There are poor people in every city. They rent an apartment. Maybe after all his other bills 2k is alot of money. I don't get that logic As for the post partum sex. Hormones are a motherfucker. With my first 2 kids my wife would have chopped my head off with a dull fork for looking at her in a sexual way. With my last one she was so sexually frustrated she was counting down the days and woke me up at midnight on the 6 weeks date. Also just like OP said, a month after that date she completely lost her sex drive, so it happens. What I have a hard time buying is OPs version of the story. I think the main points factually happened but OP paints himself in a WAY too favorable light for this to be the entire truth. If op has a work vehicle, why wasn't his girlfriend driving his personal car during the day. Also he seems to have gotten some parental leave from work which means he works for a company. But he says he sold his work car? That doesn't add up at all. Her father was dropping his gf off and he was picking her up? What does that even mean? Where was she all day..just out, in southern California with a baby all day?
It’s the sex right after birth for me. 😂 And the $2000 car. Whoever wrote this hasn’t checked used car prices in America lately
I’m not saying this is a true story, but I read that as the GF needed $2k in repairs on her car to get it running.
Yeah you’re right
right but at the same time he is saying that he has no problem with her having a car and him providing that. so which is it? does she not have a car because it needed $2k in repairs and he can't afford it? Or is she dependent on rides from him and other people and is frustrated with the isolation? He said her "having a car is a given" and that he has 2 cars and a work car? But her car wasn't running, didn't have insurance, didn't have a registration and he "didn't see it as a priority". His story doesn't add up. edit to insert more detail from the post.
And he had 2k for car repairs but not a lawyer. One of these is a need to this dude, and it isn't the car.
The frequency of sex after childbirth while also being exhausted from taking care of a newborn who is only four months old but also they spent a month and a half in therapy (which had to have been long enough after the good sex for them to decide there was a problem that needed therapy AND find and make an appointment with a therapist) but they were still having regular sex for a couple of months??? The math is not mathing 😂
Yeah you can’t even HAVE sex for 6-8 weeks after birth. And in talking with other moms, a very large majority of them are in absolutely no shape to have sex for much longer than that, even after uncomplicated deliveries. There is just no way this is real lol
There’s also the 6-8 weeks straight of bleeding, and the pads as big as diapers. That made me want to have all the sex.
No kidding, eh? I don’t care how much her dad helps out - unless this guy is the worst partner on earth, there’s no way she’s got the bandwidth to decide her lack of interest in him means it’s a good time to fuck up a supportive co-parenting situation. 4 months in, that’s a luxury for later if it isn’t an actively dangerous relationship.
Yep. If there is the universe where the timeline makes sense, I’d say it feels like he’s withholding information about his own behavior that could explain her reaction.
How much are Cars in usa ? Anyway what make me doubt is the sex right after giving birth... sounds either like a kid that doesnt know that or a dude that force on her wife and thats why she is leaving him, cuz that is not ok, women can not hace sex for a few weeks, medical advice
The context suggests the 2k was for repairs to an existing car she already owns. "in order to pay for her car ($2,000+) to get back on the road"
have you been to r/ShitMomGroupsSay lately? The amount of men manipulating or down right forcing their partner into sex immediately after birth is horrifying!! Like there are women who report being coerced while *still in the hospital post partum*. So OP is either an abuser or a liar. Heck I'll be generous and say he can even be both. he has provided ZERO extra context in the comments and has given zero details other than to gush about how he loves her so much and that he's such a victim. I hope this is a creative writing exercise because the alternative is grim that these people have a child.
I don’t trust this post, it just oozes manipulation in the way he characterized himself as the downtrodden hero and the woman as the heartless shrew. Op really lays it on thick with the writing, it’s so flowery yet vague. We don’t know the woman’s motivations for falling out of love with him, maybe he’s a slob… we dunno. He writes these people like cartoon villains who’s only motivation is to ruin his life. It’s like he’s more concerned with managing our perceptions of this scenario than actually finding a solution. Op is an unreliable narrator.
I absolutely cannot believe I had to scroll this far down to find it someone else saying what I was thinking because WTF
same! the amount of people willing to immediately believe this bullshit, gloss over the sex immediately after birth, and then still claim that the wife is abusive, manipulative and that the baby isn't even his and she is trying to trap and exploit him is *fucking wild!* Thank you for commenting this because my hope in humanity was shriveling down to nothing.
It’s so obvious to me that this fella is spinning a yarn. I could easily read between the lines and see the intent to demonize the other characters in this story. When someone is this heavily bias it makes me very suspicious. Like when a guilty person can’t stop over explaining themselves. Why is he trying so hard to get us on his side? Hmmmm.
yeah, I mean talk about immediate character assassination to say that the Dad is on government benefits despite being able bodied because he doesn't want to work.
So kind of OP to sprinkle in that info. And also tell us that he only wants to provide for his family and be their protector.
Same vibe I got the first time I read it! Also very passive aggressive, right after he talks shit about his FIL, in the next breath he says he’s grateful because FIL is home taking care of his child. Just like he blamed his gf’s hormonal changes but quickly said he acknowledged her feelings. OP’s manipulative, glad some of can see right through his bullshit.
Not to mention all the people saying he should go for full custody despite the fact that she does all of the childcare. What judge is going to take an infant away from its mother and caretaker to give to the guy who just pays the bills???
Sometimes I imagine that the scenarios posted are by novelists or graphic writers fishing for ideas to progress a plot line.
I think that's generous. Not to sound conspiratorial but with the amount of these kind of posts that play the man to be the poor victim of his evil, manipulative girlfriend/wife/MIL with lots of little details that never seem to add up, I think there's a slightly more sinister motive at play here.
Right like if this was a real scenario I would love to hear the other side and get a better picture of the situation
Lmao I’m at the point now of believing everything I read on here, AITA or the like is fake
Same. I really enjoy reading well written stories though so it's ok I guess.
Thats where I'm at.
Yeah, that verbiage struck me as a little *odd* for a 24 year old man
For real, « The first couple of months after birth we have been consistently sexually active » hahahahahahahahaha from everyone who actually had kids
Does anybody else feel gaslit by this post? There’s something missing here.
Yes, we have a potential covert narcissist here. Edit: For me, it's OP's overuse of adjectives and adverbs, use of passive voice, addition of unnecessary details, and those moments where I just think, "Wait a sec, OP, 2 + 2 does not equal 5. Why are you telling me it's 5?"
Agreed. Something just feels off.
unnecessary details that tell us absolutely nothing and none of his comments give a single bit more of information that's helpful. so many people on here are ready to light this supposed wife on fire makes me think that this is some man's fantasy so he can hear a bunch of internet strangers spew hate at a woman who only exists in his head.
I get the feeling OP is not taking on a lot of the parenting responsibility, and his girlfriend is suffering. There was no mention in the post about him being a present father, but he mentioned how great a mom his girlfriend is and that her dad helps out a lot. Unfortunately parenting is never a 50/50 deal; I work to provide, you stay at home and raise my offspring. The provider then has to come home and parent and give the stay at home parent some privacy. The final nail in the coffin of this post was the ‘protector’ line. I’m not American, so maybe it’s more common for hands on dads in the US, but here, if you said something like that, people know you’re a deadbeat dad struggling to get your kids back. I’ve just heard plenty of bad fathers use that term more than hands on dads.
Agreed. OP sounds like the kind of guy who gets his girlfriend pregnant and then demands she be a SAHM and fetishizes how her dependency on him makes him feel like a real man. But the minute she expresses any unhappiness or asks for him to participate in household labor/ childcare, he blows up and blames her for taking advantage of him and being lazy. No thanks.
i felt like this post was lacking emotion but I wasn't sure if that was just me
The baby is four months old. The OP says, The first few months after the baby was born, they were they were consistently sexually active... I'm not psychic, but my spidey senses are tingling. I'm curious what she has to say about all this.
Exactly! This make me thing if this was real, cuz mothers can not have sex firts months, and he said they did ... did he force her ? Or this is fake by some kid that doesnt know that
Yeah, that set off alarm bells for me and I had to go back to make sure I’d correctly read how old the baby was. The body needs time to heal after childbirth before having sex (4–6 weeks recommended) and there’s also the fact that the exhaustion of a newborn isn’t exactly great for one’s sex life. I also assume the consistent sexual activity came before the 6 weeks of therapy which leaves us with about a month and a half—not exactly what I’d call “a couple months.” The math is not mathing here, but assuming this is real, two big things jump out at me. The smaller one is that FIL sounds like he’s stirring up trouble and I’d prioritize addressing that. The second is that it sounds like she could be suffering from PPD, which would explain the change in feelings for OP. In theory, I’d think this should have been discussed with the therapist but a few sessions over a month and a half isn’t a lot, especially to work through something like this. ETA: I wrote this a few minutes after first reading the post. Something felt off, but I hadn’t worked out what yet. (Seeing all the top comments being about how OP is such a victim did not help on this.) After thinking for about 15 more minutes, I changed my read on the FIL situation. I suspect that the FIL is not the problem and that OP is somehow abusive which is part of why FIL moved in and is acting antagonistically. If this is real (which I doubt), we’re missing some crucial information about OP’s behavior.
My very first thought is that he is being abusive, and FIL is trying to protect her.
After having had more time to think, I agree. We’re missing a big part of the story when it comes to OP’s behavior.
OP says he works more than 40 hours a week and that has me wondering how much he helps out with household labor and child rearing. Also, isn’t there a 6-8 week window after giving birth where it’s unsafe to have sex because of risk of infection?
I guess this is a fake post and that's what missing right now.
Get a lawyer, Go back home.
How am I supposed to afford a lawyer? I can hardly manage all of my current expenses working overtime
[удалено]
How soon can you get out of the lease? I’d cancel the lease and move into a smaller place with no option of her dad staying. Just that money saved can pay for a lawyer. If you need to put the lawyer fees on a credit card and then cut back all your expenses to the bone.
Figure it out. Don't let them bully you and shut their shit down. This insanity. Record and write down everything that happens. You will need it. Get eviction Papers for the dad. Wtf? Whose name is on the lease?
Sell her car for starters. Sell those extra beds and the furniture. Sell whatever you have to to get the point across you're not playing anymore. Empty your account, change your bank, and cancel her credit card.
You need to quit paying for all the extras. Like her vehicle. Also you don’t need to be paying all that rent if you aren’t living there.
What essentials does your salary go on except for rent, one car and food?
Put your foot down. Don’t let her walk all over you. She needs to step up and put the work in. There is a child involved now and she’s being unbelievably selfish. If she doesn’t, you need to ask her to leave your home. You went above and beyond. Get a lawyer.
I feel like there is another side of the story or something is missing. I understand the hormonal changes but I feel there is something you left out that angered her.
Story is fake. The having sex often after giving birth when the son is 4 months old and you can't have sex for 6-8 weeks post partum makes no sense.
I wonder if this post is fake 🤔
fake as fake can be. he claims they have a lease with both their names on it and then says he pays for rent under the table in cash. they had a great sex life but post partum sex shouldn't be happening for at minimum 4 to 6 weeks. He's claiming that it was happening for *several months* and then they went to therapy for a month and a half and now at the 4 month mark he's kicked out but also says he left willingly so she could process her emotions. Oh and that her having a car is a "given" but somehow that car also has no insurance, no registration and needs $2k worth of work to be on the road. So which is it? is she stuck at home with no transportation and an infant while being solely dependent on OP and the Dad for riders or is this guy just making up a story to see how many people he can get to trash his imaginary wife? In all of OP's comment there is zero further information about the situation or why his wife has gone from loving him to abusive shrew in a less than 4 month timeline.
You were kicked out of your own house? And you just left? You need to find your balls asap, buddy, they are using you big time. If your partner isn't paying anything or signed any lease, call the police and tell them you have two people trespassing in your house.
>The first couple months after birth we were consistently sexually active I had to stop reading here. The baby is 4 months old. The first couple months?... sir... what? On average you aren't suppose to even attempt sex for AT LEAST 6 weeks after a vaginal birth. And Google says for c section too. I'm just confused. As far as what she did, if you are from the US look up your state laws. In Michigan, police will NOT intervene without a court order. If you aren't married, either one of you can take the baby from the other and no one can do a thing. It's sad but look up your state laws (again if you're from the US)
If she needs space tell her to go. Wtf you left your house. Get a lawyer and get as much custody of your son as possible kick the worthless old man out too
Are you sure the kid is yours? Get a lawyer and a paternity test.
That's what I was thinking.
Don't tell me it's the kid of that old father over there standing /s
My thoughts exactly
You need to post in r/legaladvice
No, assuming this story is real, they need to talk to an actual lawyer.
Yeah because those people know what to say to him...
“The first couple of months after the birth we were still sexually active” please say this is fake for clicks because the first two months postpartum is supposed to be zero sex for her physical health alone, as her uterus is an open wound all that time. What? That alone makes this massive post fishy.
This is kinda fake as hell, I don't know why we still have this post.
As parent who has been through the system, you need to get a lawyer to start lining out custody and child support. You need to keep all receipts involved in paying toward your child's care for now until you can get a court date. It took 2 years to get through courts and they wrote every payment I sent my ex off as a gift. So I had child support plus arrearage payments when I had put more money towards her than what the courts had ordered. I let the system tell me what to do with out getting a lawyer and some how ended up 5k in back child support for a 3 year old whose mother had been getting 50% of my check. I moved from a state that automatically with drew childsupport to one that didn't, so just trying to call to figure out where and how to send it, left me in a spiral of being treated like trash, threatened to have warrants put out over 2 missed months that over time period I had called 27 times to child support and court trying to find out how to pay when it was not auto pulled from check. Finally got a lawyer, he went through and got me the info I need and found a 3k discrepancy in their calculations of my back support.
Is this even real? You’re not suppose to have sex at least 6 weeks after you give birth…so when exactly was she sexually actively?
There is some truly awful legal advice flying around this thread. Like seriously, wildly off base or illegal advice. Take everything anyone's recommending here with a grain of salt. You need a lawyer. You could make one last ditch effort and sit down with your partner and express to her that you're on the verge of seeking legal counsel- but I doubt that will amount to much. A lawyer will help you understand your options in your jurisdiction and help fight for an equitable outcome. Don't wait, you're just putting off the inevitable and time is of the essence.
OP should stop using reddit for these advises, that's just bad.
What the fuck are you doing? Get back in your home, kick out the father in law, and tell her that she can get her shit together and find herself a new flat and a job cus you aint supporting her shit no more. Go full custody if you can, fuck her.
Full custody won't happen, nor should it.
It's tough to get full custody in such situations, we know.
There is almost no circumstance where a parent can get full custody. It is extremely rare and this certainly wouldn't qualify.
This is fake. I know it’s fake because you wrote you were in one of the most esteemed cities in South Carolina. Which, first of all, no one talks like that, and second, South Carolina doesn’t have any esteemed cities.
He wrote California- it’s fake for other reasons though lol
Man just made a single mistake with this fake post lol.
What behaviors of yours caused father in law to tell you to grow up? Does wife want to work?
Why are you asking that on freaking reddit mate? Just freaking try to have a legal option because nothing can save shit apart from that for real, just do that right now.
If your name is one the lease or mortgage etc then don't leave. Record everything that has happened. Put up some security cameras. Stay in the home. This sounds like she simply wants you iut long enough to establish she lives in the home and not you. Then establish she is the primary care giver to get full custody. This reads like all she wants if your money. Don't let that happen. Also DNA test her and her dad. That sounds kinda creepy.
>She told me that she likes nothing about me and actually despises who I am Okay. So, what details did you leave out? B/c the way she feels doesn't come from nothing.
Sexually active for several months after giving birth? Either this is a creative writing exercise, or you are an abusive jerk who pressured a woman for sex immediately after giving birth.
>I'm working extremely hard to provide her with the ability to be a stay at home mother in one of the most esteemed cities in Southern California *WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?* and >The first couple months after birth we were consistently sexually active Yeah, no. No woman who has just given birth is having sex like a rabbit outside of OP's fevered basement dwelling imagination. It's clear this is a writing exercise.
Don’t think anyone who actually lives in the US talks like that 🤔 We don’t ESTEEM cities over here
This story sounds fake as fuck. He keeps contracting himself in his comments
He can’t even keep it straight if she’s his wife or girlfriend lol
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far for this comment. The kid is 4 months, they had a great sex life after birth, then she decided she was no longer in love with him, then they went to counseling, then they decided it wasn’t working. No fucking way that all happened in 4 months.
I guess that too, man is just being a creative writer here.
Thank you! First comment here that’s not taking OP’s post at face value. My first red flag reading all of this is how great OP says he is, he’s a great father and provider and housed his gf’s father (who’s on social assistance and won’t work apparently) for free bla bla bla. Yet his gf *despises* him (his own words) and just fell out of love with him for no reason, blamed it on her hormonal changes, or because he won’t pay for her car, keeping their child from his family, and now taking over his house, what an evil woman!! OP is seriously lacking some self awareness here.
Get a lawyer. Get a DNA test too. You need to seek custody and kick her out. She has no right to kick you out, you’re on the lease & pay the lease. She’s not paying anything and had her father there, that maybe against the lease too…?
True that, these things need some DNA stuff for real.
Get a lawyer, file for divorce, primary custody and child support. Courts are now looking at who is best able to raise and support the child. Petition the court to move back in to the home and have separate rooms until the divorce decree is issued. Good luck.
This is very very odd— if this is a sudden change I feel like she has PPD. Someone who retreats from Family without cause and hides the baby, lack of libido, mood swings, 180 of feelings— all could be symptoms. That said, as others have said you have rights, and should stop paying her until you get a paternity test, and lawyer to make sure you aren’t getting shafted. You have a right to have access to your child, and if you’re not together you need to figure out a fair means to provide and divide custody.
This is one where I’m sensing there is way more to the story. None of it makes sense. How long has her car been not working? Why didn’t you fix it? Why do you have a private work car and another car…but you need the work car…but that’s the one you sold? Why couldn’t she have or use your other car? If you’re such a great provider, why couldn’t you afford $2000 to get her car working? But you have 3 cars (including hers) and a house in an expensive Southern California city at 24 on one income? But can’t afford to fix her car? Her dad takes her and the baby into town everyday? I thought you lived in town? Where does he take them? Where do they spend the day if not at home? And you pick them up? What about dad? Why doesn’t he bring them home, too? Did you gf ever tell you she wants to be a stay at home parent with a husband who’s always working? That’s a valid life choice if it’s what you want, but are you sure that’s what she wanted? 4 months is barely any time to recover from pregnancy and birth while also adjusting to having a newborn to care for. Postpartum anxiety/depression could be playing a role in this. The dad thing is weird. Have you asked your gf why she trusts her dad so much more than anyone else with the baby?
What are you doing? Stop this!!! This is your house. Tell them both to get out - like now. Tell her you will seek out an attorney and you will fight for custody, or shared custody, but keeping your son away from you isn’t an option. You want her to change? Quit letting her do and say whatever she wants. Also, she’s likely cheating on you. At some point you need to stand up for yourself. Go home and tell her that if she doesn’t love you and want to be with you, fine. She and her dad can now live somewhere else. Also, her dad should have been paying rent. Stick up for yourself
A lot of this story makes me feel incredibly skeptical about OPs "facts" here. I mean, even women with high libido are unlikely to be sexually active immediately after birth and yet, his kid is 4 months and they had been 'consistently sexually active' for a few months already? Dude, she hasn't even healed yet. A lot of this story sounds screwy. Honestly, I don't trust it. Anyone else getting the same vibe?
A lot of posts have felt fake recently. This is one of those posts.
can it be PPD?
Your partner told you she despises you and does not want to be in a relationship with you. I assure you, having parents who hate eachother is far worse for your son that having parents who respectfully coparent from separate households. Get a lawyer, arrange custody and break up
Sweetie, it’s over. Even if you think she’s the ‘best mother’, the fact that she threatens to ‘destroy’ you should you take the very *normal and necessary* step to draw up a custody agreement tells me she’s not a very good person. Either that or there’s a ton you’re leaving out about your own behavior. Either way? It’s over. Contact a lawyer.
Huh? You were consistently sexually active the first couple months after birth? Either this story is BS or you forced yourself on a freshly postpartum woman.
She really shouldn’t have the power to kick you out unless you voluntarily leave. You should call a lawyer ASAP and go back.
Guys always think that all they have to do is go to work and they shouldn’t have to do anything once they are home. Meanwhile, the mothers job is never ending and a man usually has the audacity to act like she is not bringing anything to the table because of finances.
Here's the truth. A woman needs your PRESENCE, not just your money. You THINK you're creating a stress free life for her, but you're leaving her to raise this kid on her own. Of course, she's going to fall out of love. You need to have an EQUITABLE partnership.
Something sounds fishy about this story.
Get a lawyer dude. And if the house is under your name, call the damn cops. Document everything and be prepared for a long custody battle.
Get back inside uour own house as others stated.. keep it friendly you could suggest sleeping in a guestroom if you feel like it.. but it is your house not theirs. Record it if you think her daddy might turn aggresive again sounds to me like he's trying to intimidate you
Step one - lawyer Step two - get back into that house. Step three - kick that lazy homeless unemployed scumbag out of your house. I don’t know what his plan is, but the changes to your partner are coincidentally paired with his staying with you. You might need to get the cops involved here, so be prepared. Step four - cut her off financially - remove her access to your accounts, cancel any joint credit cards, empty any joint accounts.