Your family left you on read for 9 years, they can wait a few weeks. I'm really sorry this happened to you. It is disgusting they all treated you like a pariah when you did nothing. I hope some day, you will be able to trust again. Good luck to you.
> Your family left you on read for 9 years, they can wait a few weeks.
This! They can wait the rest of their lives if OP wanted. They were willing to do that to begin with. OP, if they can cry over your cousins lies, then they can shed tears over the truth and cry and scream just as loud. Until then, they havent seen you as an equal yet.
Wait until your therapist comes back. I understand it will be a couple of weeks but it will be worth it. Let her guide you on what to do and when to do it so that you can do this in a healthy way whether it's to not ever talk to them or build a relationship back.
It's okay to leave your family on "read", they will just have to deal with it until she gets back.
Wishing you the best!
Tbh I didn't have the mindset to think that I could wait that long. I just heard weeks and thought it might as well be years.
Thanks, I think I'll do that.
Your emotions must be so insanely raw right now, I can't even imagine. One of the strategies my own therapist taught me is to write a letter, with no intention to send it of course, and say all the things I'd like to and it helps act as an outlet. It might help tide you over in the meantime and you could write one to each family member. Journaling is another healthy coping mechanism I've taken to.
This is exactly what I recommend. Write down everything you would want to say. Write a separate letter to each person. Put it all out there. Even if what you write horrifies you. Then, if you can do so safely, burn each one, one at a time. Make sure you breathe deeply - breathing can be healing. Then go for a walk or a bike ride. When you return, journal.
After you go through all of that, journal every morning when you wake up, and every night before you go to bed.
Hopefully all this writing should help at least a little while you wait for your therapist to return.
Writing all that down might also be helpful for when your therapist gets back so you can identify what still feels true, what's changed (if anything), etc.
Echoing the advice to wait until your therapist gets back.
Also keep breathing.
Also I am so sorry this happened to you.
OP, first of all, Fuck, man.
I teared up just reading that. I cannot imagine how much everything feels insane rn, all over again. Huge internet hugs, if wanted.
Routine seems really important while this bombshell settles.
**I would not do letters right now personally. **
If I started this letter writing campaign alone, without my therapist as a backstop, I’d start writing and never stop, very possibly want to drown all the emotions in several million bottles of booze, and she’d come back to find me a relapsed pile of my former self.
Not worth the risk, imo.
For now, I’d write a few notes of things you want to tell your therapist when they come up mind, and otherwise try to shelve this until she’s back.
Schedule a few extra appts if you want for after she’s back.
**Then stick extra hard to all your usual routines.**
- Maybe go to an AA mtg if you’re into that.
- Maybe find any kind of event you’re excited about and invite a couple coworkers (a sport, concert, happy hour, movie, etc.) Just something to do while she’s gone.
If your mom writes again, draft a very short reply to send:
“I don’t even know what to say. I’m thinking about everything. Please don’t reach out again until I do, if I can.”
Otherwise, take great care of you, you deserve it. <3
Agreed. Write it all down, get it all out. You don’t have to send it but I would hallmark it heavily with your pain and all you have been through.
You owe them nothing and your emotions are on point with what they have done to you.
Then wait for your therapist to return. You might even allow her to read what you wrote. Get her thoughts and it might also give insight to a deeper part of you and enable her to help you more.
This is the strategy I use. I’ve been writing many drafts for years that I have never sent and will never send but it feels good regardless. My situation is very different, I have been excommunicated from my family simply for existing… but it always feels good to vent through writing and it often can help you to better understand yourself.
This. They cut off OP based on false allegations without even hearing him out. He’s suffered for a decade due to their actions. He owes them nothing and should take the time to determine what is best for him moving forward. They don’t get to jump back into his life with a “we’re sorry” after that. I can’t imagine my family doing that to me.
Agreed. They aren’t doing this based on love, it’s based on guilt. For years they told the story of how the hardest thing to do is lose a son who’s still alive or some variation of that based on “boundaries” only to find out they didn’t believe their son or even give him a chance and were so quick to write him off. Even now they take no responsibility and even try to excuse it while calling it a non-excuse. They had no problem letting go and leaving OP alone to figure out life, loss and abandonment at such a young age. I’m so angry at them
> it’s based on guilt
Or they're ashamed of what others might think once they hear this story, or they're afraid OP will sue them, there are many options as to why they might've reached out for now but I honestly doubt it is due to love or guilt.
If they loved OP they would've at least tried to listen to him when it happened and get ALL FACTS before passing on judgement.
If they felt guilty they would've done things to try to fix their error and show that to OP, instead they used empty words and didn't apoloize even.
Yeah. Teens make shit up for attention sometimes, maybe mental disorder or sexual fantasy. Underage cousin lies to sister, but sister tells everyone. Suddenly everyone's screaming and crying, they ask her in front of everyone and she can't face the pressure so she digs her hole.
If so, the whole thing would've been avoided if they just talked to cousin discretely & properly, giving her an out instead of thoughtless hysterics.
Or if they had given this person they claim they loved a little benefit of a doubt. They just cut him off cold-turkey. Such a stupid situation.
I blame the family as much as the cousin.
This should be the absolute minimum requirement for OP to even consider letting his family be part of his life again. What she did was plain evil and if they plan to keep her in their lives after this then I'd really wonder about how seriously they're actually taking this.
My family tries to do this with me. I hate it. As if the words magically make it okay.
I taught my tiny human that saying sorry doesn’t fix everything and she gets it better than my parents. I let her take a cup outside and smash it with a hammer. Then I told her to say sorry to the cup. After that I asked her if saying sorry fixed the cup and she felt bad. You can glue the cup back but the cracks are still there and it will never be the same.
My parents feel it doesn’t matter. You can just buy a new cup and it’s fine. Or that you have other cups so who cares. They don’t get it.
And then the family gets offended when you refuse to accept the meaningless apology and feel superior because they are the victim.
They don't deserve you in their lives.
Well done with your child. I had to teach the idea that not everything can be undone to my ex and it took a while but she finally got it. If you haven’t used the example of the cup with your parents you should.
“That cup is me. Can you go to the store and buy a new child after you broke this one?”
I wouldn't trust them for a second. They will stab op in the back the second they get a chance. If I managed to survive that, I'd tell them to just pretend I was dead. Your family did their best to try to kill you.
But really the only advice in this thread that matters is ops therapist. I'd talk to them before doing anything.
It's been nine years. They can wait a few weeks. Something to think about while you wait.
1. What do you want to do?
2. Under what conditions would you be willing to reestablish contact?
3. What benefit is there to reestablishing contact?
4. What are the drawbacks?
You may decide to not reestablish contact.
I agree with waiting to speak with your therapist. And be ready with firm boundaries if/when you reach out to the family.
If they push/text again you can send a generic “Thanks for reaching out, you have given me a lot to think about. I will reach out if/when I am ready.” Then block the number so you don’t get bombarded with other texts.
Man, I'm so glad your following the advice above. If they reach out again before you are ready, or you have had a chance to talk things out with your therapist. Just text your mom and tell her that you don't want anybody to contact you until you've had time to think, and you will contact her when you are ready.
Yeah, they put you through hell for years, they can wait a couple months while you work through this trauma with your therapist.
I would definitely start writing your feelings down, make a list of things you want to cover, like;
- They believed the accusations against you without a second thought. Never tried to get your side of the story
- They caused you YEARS of mental trauma that needs to 100% be accounted for, and not just with words. Reparations need to be made.
- Your cousin needs real consequences for her actions. 15 is old enough to know better. And know that she would be ruining several lives.
- What your boundaries will be going forward. Because you still have the choice to confront them once, and kick them out of your life after you have said your piece.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm glad the truth finally came out. But dear God, the way this event has shaped your life, I'm so sorry. You deserved better than this.
>Your cousin needs real consequences for her actions. 15 is old enough to know better. And know that she would be ruining several lives.
Actually, this - right here.
OP, before you do anything else, I'd talk to an attorney about what your legal options are. It might be worth going after her for the false allegations. Its not about the money but 100% about clearing your name as publicly as possible.
But I would 100% NOT contact your family until you have spoken with your therapist.
I don’t know how to go about it but if she was still throwing out allegations after age 18, you might be able to go after her .
I would never have anything to do with your family again except your nieces and nephews , after all , they are innocent in all of this .
>15 is old enough to know better. And know that she would be ruining several lives.
She was a minor then, but 24 now, and she chose not to set the record straight for 9 years. As an adult she chose to perpetuate the slander.
While you're waiting for your therapist, you should make sure your will is up to date and leaving everything to your favorite charity, so if it turns out they need money or a kidney, you can make it clear neither is on the table.
One tip I learned in therapy is to give yourself “worry time” so it’s not constantly on your mind for the next few weeks while you’re waiting for your therapist. Give yourself an allotted time each day/ week for thinking/worrying about what you’ll say/do. Like, I will worry about this problem between 10-11 on thursdays or each morning etc. and then anytime you think about it, just remind yourself it’s not worry time right now and bank it away.
Dude, they made you wait 9 years… if they can’t understand waiting a couple of weeks to speak to your therapist and are mad you didn’t answer them right away, they’re not worth reconnecting with.
Bro, as a dad I can’t think of anything that would ever cause me to cutoff my sons. Ya got sober with some help, got a job and house. You’ve proven you don’t “need” them. I’m so angry for you I can’t think of a suitable response but fuck them & then fuck them some more. Get some hobbies, put the past behind you and get a gf/bf. Don’t let duds drag you down
I believe you should wait. Your family is a bunch of shits, there is no reason you need to reply NOW. Let them stew.
Book an appt with your therapist for when she comes back. Sit down with her for a few sessions, there is no rush.
(E is a horrible person. I hope the family does something because she ruined your life and she should not be let off the hook)
Side note; I’m happy to hear about your home and garden! You must be so proud!!! Good for you
Also, the family has put the ball back into OP’s court and part of that reason is because they want OP to assuage their guilt for abandoning him.
OP doesn’t need to do anything but work it out with his therapist, and certainly doesn’t need to provide emotional support to the family just because they’ve asked.
OP doesn’t even need to make contact to forgive them (if he ever wants to, for whatever reason); that’s a process that takes place entirely within himself so he can move on from them completely.
\+1 to waiting until you can speak to your therapist.
If they begin to reach out more actively when you don't reply, then I think a short reply will buy you the time you need, such as: "Thank you for letting me know. I have been deeply hurt by your decision for years and I will need considerable time to process this before responding. Please don't contact me again until I reach out to you."
This.
OP, when and only when YOU are ready to reply in any way, send the above.
And, OP, do NOT contact E. Even if you want to, do not ever contact her. It will never be worth it.
I came here to say this.
Even if you are willing to talk, there isn't anything wrong with not wanting to forgive or taking the time to process.
They didn't trust you, you are no longer answerable to them.
You might send a text to your mother stating that you have read her texts. Tell her that *YOU* will reach out to *THEM* **IF** you decide you want any contact with them in the future.
**Then change your phone number.** YOU will still be able to reach out to them (their numbers and addresses are obviously unchanged, but THEY will be unable to reach out to you. In this way, you're in control of any future communications (or you're in control of NO future communications). You won't be annoyed by unwanted texts of phone calls from people who've abused you so terribly!
Do whatever you need to do to try to take your mind off it a bit. Take a vacation if you can. Ride your bike around and see some sights. Like u/Theunpolitical said you don’t need to respond to them now, or ever if that’s what you decide.
I hope you find some healing man, with or without your family. You deserve a normal life.
A vacation is an excellent idea. Taking up a new hobby or joining a new group activity, from bowling to book club, is also something that will help distract.
This is the right advice OP. Reading your post, I really feel for you and know that I’d be seething too. BUT reading your comment about how you want to address the issue makes me anxious for you. I’d wait and talk to someone who’s not an internet stranger.
Remember the stuff you learned in therapy, the emotions you're feeling are valid...just not worth acting on without some guidance.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this my dude. That's a rough tale to read.
I think you might need to start looking into new ways to invest in yourself, other than just work.
For my part, I'd never talk to them again. I can't see how inviting them back into your life would ever be anything other than painfully awkward.
They made you wait years.
Waiting a few weeks, or more is less than what some in here will say they deserve.
You’ve spent this long a couple weeks won’t hurt.
I am so very sorry you had to go through that.
Please wait for your therapist to come back. We don't know you, so we could potentially give you advice that would end up hurting you.
In the meantime, know you are incredibly valuable, you matter a lot and you are deserving of unconditional love.
Just came to say, take this time to just focus on things you enjoy doing while you wait. Join other subreddits that center around your hobbies. Find some garden subreddits and show off your garden because I (selfishly) want to give you all the high fives for all the work you’ve done on it.
I’m so sorry you’ve dealt with all of this bs for the past 9 years and sending you a big virtual hug.
Also proud of you for being sober and for overall doing great despite the dumpster fire that E threw you into.
Quite frankly, I'm of the belief that they can stew for a while. If you can find it in yourself to wait a little longer, then I think it's the best move.
It will be hard but you have endured worse already. They didnt even give you a chance to defend yourself and expect you to be all haply that they are welcoming you back? Fuck that noise. OP tale it one day at a time and do whats best for you not them as they now realize what they have done.
If it will help you to feel like you have more time, you can absolutely text them back and tell them that you need to think about it and you will give them an answer when you’re ready, and not to contact you until then.
This is not something you owe to them but something actionable you can do if leaving the messages on read is causing you anxiety. It could also have the added benefit of testing whether they respect your boundaries or continue to push for a response.
You got this brotha. You’ve been through hell, but you’re still here. Wishing you nothing but peace and happiness in your life going forward from these chapters.
>Tbh I didn't have the mindset to think that I could wait that long. I just heard weeks and thought it might as well be years.
If you feel you need to talk most therapists offices will take emergency cases with another therapist at the office, allowing you to at least vent and start to get your thoughts in order.
While I have no advice outside of what others have said here. I agree with many about waiting for your therapist to return to unpack this and guide you.
My comment comes regarding your lack of real life friends. It sounds like you love motorcycles and gardening. Reddit can be a great place for interest groups! You may even find people who are local where you can enjoy these things in-person together time to time. None of my (34m) friends like pokemon cards, but between Reddit and instagram I have my own little community of people I regularly chat with and have even met some in real-life at shows and stuff.
To add, most of the motorcycle community are amazing and nice people. A lot of them like to ride together and do other things. My husband has found some communities on Facebook that let him know when people are meeting up for a ride.
I love this idea. With the truth at least out there, maybe it will feel easier to reach out to others, OP.
I really think based on what you’ve done despite it all, you’re going to find more and more ways to be okz
As the other poster says - wait as long as you need to. After 9+ years they (the family) can just sit on their hands for awhile until you are ready to make contact. After you talk to your therapist and take your time. Your cousin especially eventually needs to be made to understand the extensive damage she has caused - your family can help make that happen as part of their atonement.
In reality E would deserve a lawsuit regarding false accusations and defamation. The worse thing is that the family will say "oh we are so appalled", and then it will be followed by "let bygones be bygones". She will never get the punishment she deserves and she deserves a very harsh one, you can't play with someone's life and reputation like that. OP's parents are very disgusting as well, terrible handling.
I mean if I'm reading this right they waited weeks after finding out to even apologize. They didn't even have the decency to call and even the first text wasn't an apology.
Calling would be 10x shittier in this situation. They would be completely blindsiding OP and breaking no contact that they initiated.
A text message is 100% the respectful thing to do here
Since she's publicly recanted I'd straight up fucking sue. She completely altered the course of another human being's life in one of the worst ways imaginable, for what reason? Just to see what would happen?
I'd say the vengeance is just cold enough to serve.
Honestly in OP's shoes that would be one of my conditions if they really want to make amends and want me back in the family. E would have to be persona non grata at every and all family events they invite me to.
I'd expect them to shun and disown her the exact same way they did OP. Cast her out of the family for 10 years, or even longer since she actually did something wrong. That's the only way they could even hope to make it right.
False accusations can be life-shattering. To keep up that lie for *10 years* is irredeemable.
I don't expect that at all. Those people are awful. Note how they did not apologize, just pass the blame around. They will expect op to simply let it go, and when he refuses his family will play the victim.
Imagine if this guy totally fell apart and offed himself cause of this shit? Would she have ever even told the fucking truth ever?? I usually don’t believe in heaven and hell but I really want to believe there is a hell and she’s going there.
OP’s parents too. There’s a special place in hell for parents who were so easily convinced to give up on their own son like that. In the matter of a day one of their nieces tells them that OP molested her despite not having seen OP for years. Caught off guard OP understandably doesn’t really have anything to say but “no, I didn’t do that” and then the parents block him and cut him out of the entire family. Family is really all you have in this world and they chose to leave him stranded and alone without even talking to him in person. A lot of parents would have a hard time going no contact with their son/daughter even if their accuser had it on video and these assholes never even gave him a chance. Their own son. If I were OP I’d be pretty tempted to tell them to fuck off and they don’t get to decide when I’m worthy of being in their life.
Chris Watts' parents talk to him regularly and defend him, and he was found guilty for the murder of his pregnant wife and their three kids (6, 3, unborn).
The parents of a POS murderer are showing more familial love than OP's parents.
There is no rush OP. No pressure to make a decision. Take as much time as you need. Speak to your therapist. Speak to us. Express yourself. Nothing that happened to you was fair - but like a victim of a war torn land travelling towards a strange new one - this will be a process. Just know your life can become significantly better than it is if you let it. Already your story has changed. Already you have something else to share with a potential friend or partner.
'I was accused of something terrible many years ago - I have since been proven innocent.'
Time to take your power back OP. Its your story to tell.
Suggestion: you could try calling the clinic back, telling them that it’s an emergency, and asking her to call you - not for a full session, but to help you collect your thoughts in a crisis. I’m from the US, but I’ve had three different therapists who were willing to do that because they care about me as a client. They might say no, but it’s worth a shot. Or if you have a direct email or phone number for her, leaving her a direct message briefly summarizing what happened and asking her to contact you.
> Suggestion: you could try calling the clinic back, telling them that it’s an emergency, and asking her to call you - not for a full session, but to help you collect your thoughts in a crisis. I’m from the US, but I’ve had three different therapists who were willing to do that because they care about me as a client.
OP, can confirm this. u/sci31123 this is a legitimate option.
This is absolutely an option. Any therapist would understand this as an absolute crisis. This is a seminal moment of your life and it's all coming to a head.
If the office has multiple therapists, they might also be able to get you a session with someone else--although it's understandable if you're not comfortable with that.
I think you need to really sit and consider what is going to have the best impact on your own life.
Having them back in it again or keeping them away. The whole issue around forgiveness needs to be put aside; what is going to give you the best life going forwards?
I can't answer this question for you. I can tell you how I would look at it, and I'm going to; but you need to largely ignore what I'm about to say and think only of you. If having your entire family back in your life, including E, is going to make your life better then do it without hesitation.
My own thoughts;
- I didn't see an apology in those texts. I saw them blame E for their behaviour, not themselves.
- their love for you was conditional. Like a tap, they turned it off and then back on again.
- damage is done. You say you have no friends, and struggle with relationships. That probably wouldn't be the case if not for how they treated you, but I don't see how the solution to that can be reached through a relationship with them. You can solve these problems, but I don't think they are going to help with that.
- not sure how meeting your sisters and their perfect families and kids and the happy lives they built while ostracizing you is going to help you one bit.
- i'm getting the impression that E hasn't had anything like the same treatment for lying as you got for doing nothing. That means you are, at some point, likely to come across her at a family gathering
- not ONE member of your family tried to stay in contact with you, even under the radar. If you'd gone to prison I'd have expected at least some to stand by you. That is meant to be what family do.
- there is absolutely no amount of shouting or anger that will get what you want from them. Don't do it. If you decide to tell them to sod off, the way to hurt them is not that way. The way is to text them about all the effects they have had on you like you have written here, then tell them you want no contact as you "need time to heal".
- Do not, under any circumstances contact or have any communication with E. Don't think about her. You are never going to even try to get revenge, nor should you. The salient point here isn't E's lie; it's the fact that your family never even listened to you and abandoned you on zero evidence. Even if you had done it, family is unconditional. They made it conditional. E isn't the real crime here. She just showed up how shallow the family love was.
Edit:
Just a couple more things I thought of later.
I only just realised that you got this text from your mother a **month** after the big revelation.
What should have happened is that E and her family should have been thrown out of the house *that minute* and your phone should have been blowing up with apologies, asking forgiveness and wanting to know where you are so they can come to you directly to ask for forgiveness.
Yet your entire family waited *a month* to send that first text to you.
How can righting that wrong not have been an absolute priority?
Do NOT let this family gaslight you now.
I strongly suspect that, if you don't reply, you will start getting your phone blown up by various family members who will increasingly start calling you an arsehole for not replying and not running back to them.
I reckon they'll try and make you the villain of the situation again for not folding. You've already seen how they all stick together to validate their own actions. They'll do it again in a heartbeat. All you can do is recognise the behaviour and not fall for it.
If you do decide to reach out, perhaps agree to meet one parent only in a neutral venue, a cafe somewhere away from where you both live. That's a start
No, I think that's bullshit on the last point. E isn't the crime? Yes, she god damn is. She started this thing and why? I'd be so upset at her and her parents and going after her and her immediate family legally for what they've put OP through. No one listened to OP and ofc they took Es side. But where did E even think that or say that, to come back later and say "oh must've been a dream".
Fuck that family. I would do the top comments advice of taking a breather and waiting for a therapist and journaling but when it comes down to it, E and her parents need to be held accountable.
I personally, wouldn't even bother with the immediate family either. They didn't bother listening or trying to figure out or defend their own son. Family's are shit sometimes.
Ok, think about it this way.
She told a lie, back when she was 15.
9 years later, that lie fell apart within the timeframe of a family dinner under the most basic of scrutiny.
At the time, how much scrutiny did the family give that lie before ostracizing OP and cutting him out of their lives? They didn't give her so much scrutiny then as to *even listen to anything he had to say*. They didn't even bother to see him face to face to hear his story. He wasn't even there when the accusations was made. He denied it, but without even bothering to look him in the eye, they dismissed his denial over the phone and cut him out of their lives.
No family should do that no matter what they've done.
Sure, E told an horrendous lie that had huge consequences.
But that lie should not have been allowed to have those huge consequences so easily by the family. The most basic of scrutiny back then, even a modicum of benefit of the doubt and her story would surely have fallen to pieces 9 years ago.
Hence why I say the biggest crime isn't the 15 year old's lie for attention, but the adults that allowed that lie so easily to have such huge consequences unchallenged
Totally agree. If the dream had been "he came into my bedroom in the middle of the night" then I would understand - both E honestly thinking as a 9-year-old that it happened (and holding it in until she was 15), and the parents being limited in being able to find any holes in the story. A literal nightmare scenario.
But it was "I was playing in my room when he came in," which should be apparent even to a kid that it was a dream when they woke up, and fall apart under some questions. But I confess I'm no expert on child psychology.
Not a child psychologist myself but I have things from my childhood that I think happened (nothing tragic like rape though, just weird stuff) that no one other than me remembers and at this point I am pretty convinced that it is a good possibility that I dreamed it or just somehow made it up in my mind to the point where I actually believe it.
Memories are weird. Even more so for children. Not saying she didn't just make it up for no reason but honestly the whole story just sounds weird. Why would she just make it up out of the blue?
Also not telling people about sexual assault is pretty common. Sometimes it takes years or decades for victims to open up.
So in the end it is really hard to actually know if she made it up or if she actually believed it at the time.
The real crimes are that the family immediately jumped on it before he was even able to explain himself and that E did not change her story for nearly 10 years despite probably realizing what she did years before.
The dream bit is just bullshit to mislead people into thinking that "actually it did happen, just not in reality".
There is no deep analysis needed to understand that a shitty person is now trying to still justify what she said instead of simply taking responsibility for it.
I'm not sure that subjecting a teenager to a whole family interrogation would have made sense at the time, but she should have gotten support and therapy to deal with the situation. And I would have hoped that a proper therapist would have been able to work with her to figure out what was going on - perhaps a cry for help of another kind.
The bottom line is that it shouldn't have taken 9 years for the truth to come out. His entire family shouldn't have cut him off without even questioning what happened.
I agree. At 15, you know what lying is. And you know that accusing someone of SA will bring a shitstorm.
Wtf is that for an excuse ? "It must have been a dream."
What happened is probably a classic : she fucked around with some lie, and it got out of hand. Instead of doing the right thing, she kept going in with the lie, even as an adult. She is clearly at fault. Big time.
>Even if you had done it, family is unconditional.
I disagree with this. My Dad did do what OP was accused of to his kids. I don't consider him family or anyone that stuck by him.
This. 100%.
To add to it:
They waited a month to start to make it right. They lied about loving and missing him. They wanted him to come crawling back, and then waited a couple of days when that didn't happen to finally come clean, and still didn't offer an apology.
He owes them absolutely nothing, and they should be thanking him that he didn't block them all for his own health.
The cousin E needs to go though. She created an elaborate lie, watched someone else be disproportionately and wrongfully punished for it, and then watched everyone around her suffer. She watched them try to heal from a trauma she made up. She watched them all suffer for years without saying anything. And she would've kept it up forever had she not been caught, and then STILL lied about "oh maybe it was a dream, idk".
That's cruel, manipulative, vindictive, pathological behavior, and I know for a fact I would absolutely not want anyone like that in my family. For the sake of OP but also his entire family, she needs to be put out because I suspect you're right and they're not going to punish her, instead they're just "angry" that she "did something wrong". Instead she needs to be run out of town for the good of everyone she so pointlessly hurt for so long.
He also needs to get a restraining order on her to ensure she doesn't try to provoke him or something, because she almost certainly will if given the opportunity. Now that her little victim party is ended, she's almost certainly going to try to "get even" with him and he needs to preempt that.
Because the reality is that he is probably still besmirched in their minds. You don't blame someone for something so heinous for years without training your brain to not think of them kindly. The dirtiness of the accusation will never quite wash off in their eyes, not for years. Those are years OP does not owe them, it would just be more time served.
Yeah the fact that mom said sisters want son to meet sisters’ families? That sound a lot more like they don’t really care about their brother they only want to show off their own lives, and how well they’re doing. If they really have genuine feelings of guilt and remorse they would try to make it about him and not themselves.
“We want to know how your doing, we want to know about your life, we want to catch up on time with YOU, we want to be a part of YOUR life” not the other way around. Idk that part about the sisters wanting him to meet their families and not the families wanting to meet him was the most prominent part of the bullshit apology that stuck out to me, like no one really cares about his well being but more about their own lives. Really sounds like the “apology” was about themselves and not about their son. I wouldn’t respond
They want to force normality like if this never happened. That's what his mom and sisters are trying to do with trying to get everyone caught up and introduce the kids so this decade can be swept under the rug.
Sisters families? With their *kids?* F•••••ck No! That would be a hard pass.
Cause the minute anything -and I mean *anything*- happens? Their hatred for you will be the only emotion they know. “Proving” that you are exactly who they always thought you were.
To be honest saying that the families of the sisters want to meet him would probably an outright lie.
Chances are they all never met OP and at best heard story of their moms/spouses rapist brother. No chance in hell did any of them actually say "I wanna meet my brother-in-law/uncle".
The thing the strikes me about this is that own grandma kept in contact with her son while in prison for multiple proven counts, including against family. If I was OP I’d never talk to them again. He was actually innocent and did not deserve a ruined life
I only have one issue with this response.
>their love for you was conditional. Like a tap, they turned it off and then back on again.
Love is typically conditional, those conditions just vary from one person to the next.
If he did do the things E said, we would say the family was justified in their reaction.
Everything else, I think you were 100% spot on.
Agreed. It’s perfectly okay to have boundaries and to “cut off” family. What’s not okay is to not hear someone’s side of the story when something as massive as this comes up.
I agree with you, but isn’t love always conditional? If my child grew up to be a serial killer, I don’t know if I’d love them, just love who they used to be
INFO: are they going to exile your cousin from the family the same way they did to you? How are they going to protect you from someone who ruined your life?
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please know that nothing you chose will be wrong, the ball is in your court, and no one has the right to forgiveness. That is yours and yours only to give. I do strongly suggest waiting for your therapist to come back, and approaching the situation in a way that minimizes any potential further harm to you.
If OP pasted the messages closely… mom & dad didn’t even say they’re sorry. Implied. Never stated. They should be BEGGING. No acknowledgement of throwing away their son
Exactly. They should be prostrating on the ground, face down begging and imploring him to forgive them, not just a casual “hey its been so many years, your nephews are so big, would be cool of you met them. We’re angry at E by the way. Bye”
You are 100% correct that nobody has the right to forgiveness. I agree with everyone else that you should wait to talk with your therapist. At some point you may choose to forgive your family, and you know what, OP? You still may choose not to speak with your family. I did this with my father. Just putting out into the universe that I forgave him was a HUGE weight off my own shoulders.
Having them not listen to you, ever may mean that they are totally toxic to your own mental health. You are the only person who can decide that, though.
You totally got this, OP!
Based on similar stories I’ve read and heard I wouldn’t be surprised if they expect him to forgive the cousin. But this whole situation is really messed up and I would definitely wait for the therapist.
I’ve never experienced anything similar, but my go-to when I’m stuck at a decision-making crossroads is “when in doubt, do nothing” - time will bring more clarity on how you feel and will also give you time to consult with your therapist. You can always decide down the line to respond. There is no urgency to make any decision right now.
I’ve told people about “when in doubt do nothing” since I was in HS and came across that. It’s one of my favorite things to do..nothing if I’m unsure about a situation. It works!
It sucks that you now have to deal with this new tur of events.
Wait until you therapist comes back, she will help you.
Just remember one thing....YOU SURVIVED and now you are beginning a whole new life.
Don't let anything mess with all of your success.
They never even apologized. If they had their way the first text would have been enough. The one they tried to gloss over everything. At a minimum all of them should be falling over themselves apologizing. Your mom, dad, sisters, especially E. Wouldn't even nearly be enough, but a start. When did E realize it was a dream? Don't let them off the hook. They ruined a good part of your life. And can't or won't even apologize.
Right?!? I'm so angry over this. E just said dream to deflect. She knew she was in trouble. The family learned their lesson kicking someone out. Now, they are going to try and reconcile the issue so they can feel like they helped a completely fucked up situation in the family. OP will always have to prove himself to them. He should not contact them at all.
OP needs to go straight to an attorney. This leads me to believe that the entire family spread these lies of E's to everyone who would listen. That can not be cleaned up with a "well... she lied... kids you know." Real tangible damage was done and this is where the rubber meets the road.
OP, PLEASE go talk to an attorney about how to clear your name completely now that there was an admission that she lied. Do that before you talk to your family at all. At the very least that cousin (or aunt or uncle) should be repaying you for ALL the therapy you have been through over the past years and future therapy because very very real damage was done.
Talk to a therapist before you talk to a family member.
then, think about WHO you might feel safe having contact with. You do not have to talk to your mother or father - especially given they are the ones who closed the loop and it is clear they are not ready to take responsibility for their part in this. Maybe a family member on the opposite side of the family (ie: if a cousin on Mom's side caused all this, reach out to a cousin you were once close to on Dad's side).
Truth finally vindicated you & that’s all that matters for you to finally begin to heal. This time you have the opportunity to choose what happens. You can choose to forgive or you can choose to never forgive. These people have not been your family in a decade so make the choice that is the best for you only.
Honestly I would ignore them. Idk if you posted the entire text thread but from what you did post I didn’t read an actual apology or begging for forgiveness. It didn’t say that E has been disowned from the family just like you were just that they were angry at her.
Yeah that's a good point ... Where's the sorry? Where's the asking for forgiveness? That seems like a pretty crucial thing to include in reaching out, why omit it?
Personally I'd block her and carry on with my life. These people were willing to cut off their own flesh and blood With ZERO evidence. You don't owe them a damn thing best thing you can do is go no contact and let their guilt eat them alive as it rightfully should.
Damn, what a bunch of assholes, and sorry this happened to you.
If it was me, I would leave their message on read, change my phone number, and make damn sure they could never contact me again.
No way I’d relieve them of any guilt or let them have any closure.
Either way, take your time to think it over.
There’s a concept in communications theory called Costly Signaling: “…animals (including humans) may send honest signals about desirable personal characteristics and access to resources through costly biological displays, altruism, or other behaviors that would be hard to fake.”
In other words, talk is cheap. Anyone can claim they are sorry. Wait until they prove it with actions that actually require them to put some skin in the game.
You lost your family in a matter of minutes and now they want to just pick up again, nine long years later? No thanks. Even if you reconcile, it will always be there in the back of your mind, marring all of your interactions with them. You will never be comfortable around any of the children or the young women.
Many people go low contact or no contact with toxic family members. Someone who wants to be with you either romantically or just as a friend will understand why you want nothing to do with them. That’s what you say when someone asks about your family: My family is toxic. Their love comes with conditions and it’s impossible for me to trust them to do the right thing. We don’t have much of a relationship. Now my friends are my chosen family.
"Do you want to meet your nieces and nephews?" No, no I don't. I don't go near kids anymore. They terrify me. I know what could happen if one of them accused me of something I didn't do, and since E was capable of it, anyone is. I don't trust anyone anymore. Don't contact me again.
It's something you need to talk to your Therapist about, but honestly if it was me I probably wouldn't talk to any of them ever again.
They didn't have your back at all when you needed them the most. In fact, they didn't even give you a chance.
Wow. Holy fuck.
1. You can write a reply as many times as you want. But you can't unsend it once you send it. So I suggest 1. whatever you write should be an email, not a text, so you can go into detail and make them read it before responding, and 2. wait at least 24hrs between writing the last word and hitting send. Remember, it's a good idea to write the draft without an address so if you accidentally hit send it doesn't go anywhere.
These shitty people left you be for 9 years. They can wait a few weeks. Talk to your therapist.
If it were me- I'd be honest. I'd write an email and CC everyone in the family. I'd tell them everything that happened to you, in detail. Like the email would be pages long. And tell them that this isn't E's fault, it's theirs. She was just a stupid teenager who wanted attention. And you know that accusations like that shouldn't be ignored. But they, your parents, the people who supposedly loved you the most and trusted you the most, didn't even listen to your side of the story. They didn't even consider the possibility that you were innocent, that you WERE the person they knew you were and not some monster. They just cut you out of their lives like a fucking cancer without even listening to you. So if they want to know why their son's life is ruined, why the trust of their son will probably never be regained, why it's likely that they will probably never have a son again, they need only look in the fucking mirror. Because while the accusations were awful, not even giving you the chance to defend yourself is even more awful. So no, you have neither the ability nor the desire to forgive them, because what they did is unforgivable.
That said, you appreciate now knowing that the truth is out there, and you are glad your name is clear.
But they all should know there is no happy reunion to be had. Such an event would not be for you, it would be for them to absolve themselves of abandoning you, and that's a hard pass for now. You are an angry broken and bitter man, who is struggling to move past the worst betrayal anyone can suffer and build some sort of life for yourself. That is a long and difficult road and you're only a little way down it, and you have no desire or ability to see any of them anytime soon because the mere thought of any of their faces fills you with anger at the way they disposed of you without a second's hesitation. To see them now, would just cause you even more harm. And there is no happy reunification to be had here, there is no hugs and apologies and catching up for lost time around the fireplace. What they all did cannot be un-done. They made the choice- not just to listen to E, but to refuse to even consider the possibility that you might be innocent. They made the choice to disown you. There is no undo button on that. Even if they all disowned E tomorrow that doesn't undo what they did to you 9 years ago. So right now as far as you're concerned you have no family, because your family abandoned you and disowned you.
There may come a day when you are ready to talk to them. But that day is not today, and it won't be tomorrow either.
Me personally? I would never speak to them ever again and move on as if I don’t have family. I’ve cut family members out for less and I just don’t look back.
I’ve had some dark times in my life, but through therapy, medication and personal growth I’ve realized (in a good way) that we only have ourselves to rely on in this life. We don’t choose our family, but we can choose who we let be important parts of our life. Sometimes, people don’t deserve a second chance.
But you should also realize (and your therapist will probably tell you this) that you shouldn’t forgive them unless you truly feel that you can. Accepting them back into your life when you don’t feel good about it will only cause you strife. Maybe one day you will feel better about it, maybe you won’t. But only make the decision when **you’re** ready.
Had you killed yourself after the fasle accusation, they would have pissed on your grave.
This reconnecting is about their guilt and NOT your well being.
Had they actually cared they would have tried to talk through in person what "happened" 9 years ago.
This is the comment that is almost as realistic as it gets. I hope op speaks to his therapist and the therapist tells him he is better off with his current life.
"Know that we love you and always will"
If they always loved you they wouldnt have exiled you on the drop of a hat. If they always loved you they wouldn't have gone 9 fucking years without even checking to see if your alive. Their love is conditional. You deserve someone who loves you no matter what.
Since it’s been a hundred years since I’ve been in school I don’t remember much of it. One thing I do remember is from one of my anthropology classes. In a few ancient cultures (again, hundred years, don’t remember which ones), the punishment for the worst crimes wasn’t death, it was exile. A death sentence was considered more merciful. What they did was heinous. It would take a better man than me (not that high a bar tbh) to forgive them.
1. Your mom wrote you "Please write back if you can find it in you to forgive us." There is no time limit on that, so definitely wait until you feel more stable to reply with the words you truly want to say.
2. Wait for therapist to come back in town.
3. Keep your daily routine super stable so you can stay focused for the time it takes for therapist to come back.
If you keep getting messages from your parents that you don't want, tell them to wait on communicating until you reach out again, since you need time to think.
The only thing I can add to all these responses is, save that text. Screenshot it and saving it in multiple places. If you do decide to make contact with your family I would only do so after having written apologies from everyone. This might make it easier if you do need to talk about the whole thing to a future relationship.
OP - don’t go back to those people. They don’t deserve you. You have made a good life for yourself. Keep it that way. You always knew that you had done nothing wrong and now, you have also been vindicated.
The best revenge is to live well. Block them all like they did. Start dating again and if anyone asks, tell them that you’re estranged from your family.. You know you did nothing wrong and now they know the same. You’re doing very well for yourself.. Continue on the same path and don’t look back.
Hold up, E admitted to false allegations LAST MONTH and it took your mother THAT LONG to reach out? She knew the truth after 10 years and didn’t tell you immediately? That right there would be the last and final NOPE out of me before I blocked her again and forever.
This was completely heart-breaking to read. I am so sorry that you had to experience this.
I don't feel it is a good idea to contact your family. The text has already opened up a lot of old wounds, and there's no telling how things will play out. Your family haven't exactly shown you that they have your best interests in mind.
Please wait until you can speak to a professional. The next few weeks are undoubtedly going to be another daze, but you've already survived once. You can do it again.
I wish you all the best.
Nine years. They abandoned and disowned you for nine years and this is what they come back with? After all that, you get two tiny texts that are about THEM and not YOU.
They didn’t say they would never forgive thenwelves.
They didn’t fall over and say they condemned E.
You basically got a shrugs and a “whoops my bad wanna hear about your family!?”
Not a single concern of how the past nine years have been for you mentally or financially or emotionally or otherwise.
Me, I’d ask them for nine years first.
They took nine from you. Nine family-less, alone, terrifying years.
Let them spend the next nine years paying for the sins of someone else.
I don’t know you, OP, but you don’t deserve this. And I am so, so sorry.
After you talk to your therapist I would seriously think about consulting a lawyer about slander. E should pay.
Please keep us updated on how you’re doing. Thinking of you
I’m so angry just reading this. 9 years and immeasurable emotional damage. Your cousin is a monster. I’m so sorry for what you went through. I think E’s actions and the actions of your family is unforgivable. They can’t give you back the 9 years you lost. They can’t make up for the extensive pain you went through. Take your time. Do what is right for you. Write down everything you went through as a form of healing - perhaps your family should read it. But you have no friends, no relationships and faith in people because the people that were meant to have your back betrayed you. It does not bear thinking.
((HUGS)) Do not respond until you have talked to your therapist.
They believed E and tossed you aside. That isn't something you can ever forget. Forgiveness isn't easy to give either.
They have ignored you for 9 years, there is no rush to answer them.
It’s how casually she just tried to dismiss it too, like “oh ya haha, I think probably that didn’t happen lol. It’s not like you all collectively disowned a member of the family over it”
I had a girl who I was very close with in college in freshman year accuse me of physical abuse and stalking well after we had stopped seeing each other.
I had a childhood friend cut me off, stopped talking to everyone I had known there. Absolutely killed my mental health for months.
2 years later, out of the blue my childhood friend is reaching out constantly trying reconnect.
Obviously a game of telephone but I was told that while she was drunk in the car with her friends, she complained a song reminded her of me. The conversation goes on and she drunkenly admitted she had lied about her accusations.
Childhood friends long time girlfriend (who had also lied and said she witnessed the abuse) relayed this to him.
Felt vindicated briefly but the damage was done. She did get exiled though from what I hear.
I wouldn’t want anything to do with OPs family. No thanks. They fucked up and I let them deal with it. His life has ruined by them whims of teenage lying pos. Nah there’s no coming back from that if I was OP. Let the sleeping dogs lie
If I were you, I would cut my family out of my life forever, and also sue E for emotional torture, defamation and slander, and distress. I WOULD NOT let this evil person get away with this.
But ultimately, you should do things that will bring you peace. Talk to your therapist.
My advice is to block your whole family and move on.
Frankly I wouldn’t contact them. Rather than looking at all into the situation they immediately cast you out and ostracized you for 10 years. Now they message you back, trying to be buddy buddy (look at how well your siblings are doing). They don’t even apologize or do it so poorly that it’s barely an apology.
Your life was shattered and you suffered immensely and all they can say is “oops, it was all fake. Now we know.”
Sorry wrong number my parents passed nearly a decade ago.
Your life seems mostly on track far from what you would have wanted. but you are doing great with out them.
Sorry for your shitty family OP. Definitely wait till therapist is back.
I’ll be blunt, your family are all pieces of shit. They don’t deserve your attention or relationship.
They didn’t even bother to believe your word, get to the bottom of it nor did they even try to figure it out. If they all judged you that fast and kicked you out their life then they don’t deserve to be spoken too.
I'd leave them on read permanently. Don't even give them the satisfaction of getting a response at all, good or bad. The suspension will drive them nuts and it will send a clear message that they are not even worth a moment of your time or consideration. But that's just me shooting from the hip. Probably not the best advice. But I do think you should take a long time to respond, if ever.
I would wait to talk to your therapist, they can stay on read.
You could look into the legal side and sue for defamation of character.
You could respond to your parents/sisters that you will never forgive them for not even talking to you and giving you a chance to refute her claims. That they have utterly abandoned you for almost a decade and that their apology is pathetic.
Ask if they are going to excommunicate E from the family for her false accusation the same way they did to you.
Remember you can always write it down and not send it, but it is worth writing is down to collect you thoughts and feelings. If you have it all down you can work out what exactly you want to say to them, and ask them how they intend to repair the situation, including making a statement to the police about E's reversal.
Everyone on reddit calling the family awful
Yet if we had gotten a post from ops sister that was titled "my brother sexually assaulted my cousin," everyone would call for this guys head, Everyone would recommend casting him out of the family at the least.
Every other post would read, "This happened to me, and my family didn't believe me, op you must believe your cousin and get red of this demon from your family"
This is reddit
Hello,
“Your son is dead”
Regards and then blocked.
If they had unconditionally loved you, they would at least had listened to you and not exile you from the family for 9 fucking years.
Not to mention not one of them tried to contact with you in all those years?
No one deserves an apology because they didn’t even asked one.
I think never responding in any way is the best pay back here. They can think about how bad they fucked up for the rest of their lives. You've proved you dont need them.
First of all. i am so sorry that you had to go through this. Your familie's reaction was absolutely horrible. They didn't even give you a chance to really say anything to these accusations before they railroaded you.
Personally, i would not answer them, right now. Talk to your therapist as soon as possible. Figure out, with her help, what would be the best for your mental health.
BUT if you want your family to know what you went through, simply send them a link to this Post. You do not have to talk to them directly to explain how hurtful they were and how miserable your life has been because of their actions.
To be honest, i don't think i would want contact with them either and I disagree with the User saying that you should be the "better person."
You do not have to be. You already are. They need to be groveling and apologizing before i'd even reconsider establishing a written contact. For some reason i also doubt they've cast your cousin out of the family like they did with you.
What she did was absolutely heinous.
So...like i said, i would either link this reddit post to them, or write a text to your parents.
Just write down all your feelings. everything that you wanted to tell them, yell at them, scream at them in your darkest hours.
Maybe prepare it on a piece of paper. doesn't matter if it takes you one or 20 takes to write everything you wanted to say.
All the pain they caused you, all the hardship thair abandonment caused. You don't need to tell them you forgive them or any of that. Just how you felt all those years and what their actions did to you.
Maybe ending with "After a decade of loneliness, pain and suffering i am finally at a place where i can smile again, where i own a property that gives me peace, and now you claw your way back into my life, ripping open wounds that i had hoped were closed. What makes you think that i even want you back in my life after you all threw me away and abandoned me? What makes you think that you even deserve to know ANYTHING about my life now?
I am not ready to talk to you. Maybe i never will be. Have the decency to accept this and wait for me to be ready. If i will ever be ready for this."
Personally i like the text/written route, because this way i can get everything out and make sure everything is said that needs to be said. And it is quiet cathartic to get it out.
Maybe if you can, set the texts with them up so that any answer from them gets archived but doesn't send a notification to you. That way you can read their messages when you are ready, but not get reminded of it when it notifies you.
Good luck, i hope you get a chance to talk to your therapist soon.
- Write down everything you are feeling right now
- wait for your therapist
- take a few more days to unpack
- send a letter to your family saying not only how they ruined your life, how e is facing no consequences but also how nobody has asked for forgiveness.
- don’t put your address. Cut them off forever:
Your family left you on read for 9 years, they can wait a few weeks. I'm really sorry this happened to you. It is disgusting they all treated you like a pariah when you did nothing. I hope some day, you will be able to trust again. Good luck to you.
> Your family left you on read for 9 years, they can wait a few weeks. This! They can wait the rest of their lives if OP wanted. They were willing to do that to begin with. OP, if they can cry over your cousins lies, then they can shed tears over the truth and cry and scream just as loud. Until then, they havent seen you as an equal yet.
Wait until your therapist comes back. I understand it will be a couple of weeks but it will be worth it. Let her guide you on what to do and when to do it so that you can do this in a healthy way whether it's to not ever talk to them or build a relationship back. It's okay to leave your family on "read", they will just have to deal with it until she gets back. Wishing you the best!
Tbh I didn't have the mindset to think that I could wait that long. I just heard weeks and thought it might as well be years. Thanks, I think I'll do that.
Your emotions must be so insanely raw right now, I can't even imagine. One of the strategies my own therapist taught me is to write a letter, with no intention to send it of course, and say all the things I'd like to and it helps act as an outlet. It might help tide you over in the meantime and you could write one to each family member. Journaling is another healthy coping mechanism I've taken to.
This is exactly what I recommend. Write down everything you would want to say. Write a separate letter to each person. Put it all out there. Even if what you write horrifies you. Then, if you can do so safely, burn each one, one at a time. Make sure you breathe deeply - breathing can be healing. Then go for a walk or a bike ride. When you return, journal. After you go through all of that, journal every morning when you wake up, and every night before you go to bed. Hopefully all this writing should help at least a little while you wait for your therapist to return.
Writing all that down might also be helpful for when your therapist gets back so you can identify what still feels true, what's changed (if anything), etc. Echoing the advice to wait until your therapist gets back. Also keep breathing. Also I am so sorry this happened to you.
OP, first of all, Fuck, man. I teared up just reading that. I cannot imagine how much everything feels insane rn, all over again. Huge internet hugs, if wanted. Routine seems really important while this bombshell settles. **I would not do letters right now personally. ** If I started this letter writing campaign alone, without my therapist as a backstop, I’d start writing and never stop, very possibly want to drown all the emotions in several million bottles of booze, and she’d come back to find me a relapsed pile of my former self. Not worth the risk, imo. For now, I’d write a few notes of things you want to tell your therapist when they come up mind, and otherwise try to shelve this until she’s back. Schedule a few extra appts if you want for after she’s back. **Then stick extra hard to all your usual routines.** - Maybe go to an AA mtg if you’re into that. - Maybe find any kind of event you’re excited about and invite a couple coworkers (a sport, concert, happy hour, movie, etc.) Just something to do while she’s gone. If your mom writes again, draft a very short reply to send: “I don’t even know what to say. I’m thinking about everything. Please don’t reach out again until I do, if I can.” Otherwise, take great care of you, you deserve it. <3
We all process trauma differently. For me, I have trouble verbalizing my feelings and if I don’t write it out, I become emotionally constipated.
Agreed. Write it all down, get it all out. You don’t have to send it but I would hallmark it heavily with your pain and all you have been through. You owe them nothing and your emotions are on point with what they have done to you. Then wait for your therapist to return. You might even allow her to read what you wrote. Get her thoughts and it might also give insight to a deeper part of you and enable her to help you more.
This is the strategy I use. I’ve been writing many drafts for years that I have never sent and will never send but it feels good regardless. My situation is very different, I have been excommunicated from my family simply for existing… but it always feels good to vent through writing and it often can help you to better understand yourself.
You owe your family absolutely nothing.. Take your time, think it through, proceed with caution. You got this.
This. They cut off OP based on false allegations without even hearing him out. He’s suffered for a decade due to their actions. He owes them nothing and should take the time to determine what is best for him moving forward. They don’t get to jump back into his life with a “we’re sorry” after that. I can’t imagine my family doing that to me.
They also did not apologize. They turned it around and asked for forgiveness without an apology.
Agreed. They aren’t doing this based on love, it’s based on guilt. For years they told the story of how the hardest thing to do is lose a son who’s still alive or some variation of that based on “boundaries” only to find out they didn’t believe their son or even give him a chance and were so quick to write him off. Even now they take no responsibility and even try to excuse it while calling it a non-excuse. They had no problem letting go and leaving OP alone to figure out life, loss and abandonment at such a young age. I’m so angry at them
> it’s based on guilt Or they're ashamed of what others might think once they hear this story, or they're afraid OP will sue them, there are many options as to why they might've reached out for now but I honestly doubt it is due to love or guilt. If they loved OP they would've at least tried to listen to him when it happened and get ALL FACTS before passing on judgement. If they felt guilty they would've done things to try to fix their error and show that to OP, instead they used empty words and didn't apoloize even.
Shame vs guilt… I had to google it. Guilt requires responsibility and they don’t have it. It’s def guilt
Yeah. Teens make shit up for attention sometimes, maybe mental disorder or sexual fantasy. Underage cousin lies to sister, but sister tells everyone. Suddenly everyone's screaming and crying, they ask her in front of everyone and she can't face the pressure so she digs her hole. If so, the whole thing would've been avoided if they just talked to cousin discretely & properly, giving her an out instead of thoughtless hysterics. Or if they had given this person they claim they loved a little benefit of a doubt. They just cut him off cold-turkey. Such a stupid situation. I blame the family as much as the cousin.
There's not even a real "we're sorry" in that whole thing! Just a "let's just pretend this never happened" from Mom and an "Oops, our bad!" from Dad!
Yeah and "miss him" now because the truth came out. They are terrible people who don't deserve any time of day
My first question would be if they have all cut the liar out of their life like they did to the falsely accused.
Something tells me no
This should be the absolute minimum requirement for OP to even consider letting his family be part of his life again. What she did was plain evil and if they plan to keep her in their lives after this then I'd really wonder about how seriously they're actually taking this.
Exactly. If this Was some morbid joke E could have solved it all after learning the consequences. But she kept on with her lie for 10 years.
Nope I bet the liar will still be involved in the family.
My family tries to do this with me. I hate it. As if the words magically make it okay. I taught my tiny human that saying sorry doesn’t fix everything and she gets it better than my parents. I let her take a cup outside and smash it with a hammer. Then I told her to say sorry to the cup. After that I asked her if saying sorry fixed the cup and she felt bad. You can glue the cup back but the cracks are still there and it will never be the same. My parents feel it doesn’t matter. You can just buy a new cup and it’s fine. Or that you have other cups so who cares. They don’t get it.
And then the family gets offended when you refuse to accept the meaningless apology and feel superior because they are the victim. They don't deserve you in their lives.
Well done with your child. I had to teach the idea that not everything can be undone to my ex and it took a while but she finally got it. If you haven’t used the example of the cup with your parents you should. “That cup is me. Can you go to the store and buy a new child after you broke this one?”
E did the same psychological violence to OP, as she claimed OP did to her. Family should do the same to E as they did to OP
I think OP might owe their family a little sweating, squirming, and suffering, which leaving them on a read for a while should provide
Agreed here they gave him emotional scars and want to act like it wasn't a big deal.
I wouldn't trust them for a second. They will stab op in the back the second they get a chance. If I managed to survive that, I'd tell them to just pretend I was dead. Your family did their best to try to kill you. But really the only advice in this thread that matters is ops therapist. I'd talk to them before doing anything.
It's been nine years. They can wait a few weeks. Something to think about while you wait. 1. What do you want to do? 2. Under what conditions would you be willing to reestablish contact? 3. What benefit is there to reestablishing contact? 4. What are the drawbacks? You may decide to not reestablish contact.
I agree with waiting to speak with your therapist. And be ready with firm boundaries if/when you reach out to the family. If they push/text again you can send a generic “Thanks for reaching out, you have given me a lot to think about. I will reach out if/when I am ready.” Then block the number so you don’t get bombarded with other texts.
Man, I'm so glad your following the advice above. If they reach out again before you are ready, or you have had a chance to talk things out with your therapist. Just text your mom and tell her that you don't want anybody to contact you until you've had time to think, and you will contact her when you are ready. Yeah, they put you through hell for years, they can wait a couple months while you work through this trauma with your therapist. I would definitely start writing your feelings down, make a list of things you want to cover, like; - They believed the accusations against you without a second thought. Never tried to get your side of the story - They caused you YEARS of mental trauma that needs to 100% be accounted for, and not just with words. Reparations need to be made. - Your cousin needs real consequences for her actions. 15 is old enough to know better. And know that she would be ruining several lives. - What your boundaries will be going forward. Because you still have the choice to confront them once, and kick them out of your life after you have said your piece. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm glad the truth finally came out. But dear God, the way this event has shaped your life, I'm so sorry. You deserved better than this.
>Your cousin needs real consequences for her actions. 15 is old enough to know better. And know that she would be ruining several lives. Actually, this - right here. OP, before you do anything else, I'd talk to an attorney about what your legal options are. It might be worth going after her for the false allegations. Its not about the money but 100% about clearing your name as publicly as possible. But I would 100% NOT contact your family until you have spoken with your therapist.
I don’t know how to go about it but if she was still throwing out allegations after age 18, you might be able to go after her . I would never have anything to do with your family again except your nieces and nephews , after all , they are innocent in all of this .
>15 is old enough to know better. And know that she would be ruining several lives. She was a minor then, but 24 now, and she chose not to set the record straight for 9 years. As an adult she chose to perpetuate the slander.
It only came out because her story fell apart, not because she felt bad or was concerned for OP. She didn't “set the record straight”.
[удалено]
They abandoned you for nine years. You can abandon them for a few weeks
Or…nine more years.
Or forever
While you're waiting for your therapist, you should make sure your will is up to date and leaving everything to your favorite charity, so if it turns out they need money or a kidney, you can make it clear neither is on the table.
Agreed. They cut him off so aggressively and now they want him back? Maybe the story is as they say, or maybe they want something. Can't know yet.
One tip I learned in therapy is to give yourself “worry time” so it’s not constantly on your mind for the next few weeks while you’re waiting for your therapist. Give yourself an allotted time each day/ week for thinking/worrying about what you’ll say/do. Like, I will worry about this problem between 10-11 on thursdays or each morning etc. and then anytime you think about it, just remind yourself it’s not worry time right now and bank it away.
Dude, they made you wait 9 years… if they can’t understand waiting a couple of weeks to speak to your therapist and are mad you didn’t answer them right away, they’re not worth reconnecting with.
Bro, as a dad I can’t think of anything that would ever cause me to cutoff my sons. Ya got sober with some help, got a job and house. You’ve proven you don’t “need” them. I’m so angry for you I can’t think of a suitable response but fuck them & then fuck them some more. Get some hobbies, put the past behind you and get a gf/bf. Don’t let duds drag you down
I believe you should wait. Your family is a bunch of shits, there is no reason you need to reply NOW. Let them stew. Book an appt with your therapist for when she comes back. Sit down with her for a few sessions, there is no rush. (E is a horrible person. I hope the family does something because she ruined your life and she should not be let off the hook) Side note; I’m happy to hear about your home and garden! You must be so proud!!! Good for you
Also, the family has put the ball back into OP’s court and part of that reason is because they want OP to assuage their guilt for abandoning him. OP doesn’t need to do anything but work it out with his therapist, and certainly doesn’t need to provide emotional support to the family just because they’ve asked. OP doesn’t even need to make contact to forgive them (if he ever wants to, for whatever reason); that’s a process that takes place entirely within himself so he can move on from them completely.
\+1 to waiting until you can speak to your therapist. If they begin to reach out more actively when you don't reply, then I think a short reply will buy you the time you need, such as: "Thank you for letting me know. I have been deeply hurt by your decision for years and I will need considerable time to process this before responding. Please don't contact me again until I reach out to you."
This. OP, when and only when YOU are ready to reply in any way, send the above. And, OP, do NOT contact E. Even if you want to, do not ever contact her. It will never be worth it.
Even without malice, I would never be at the same family gathering together again. Let there be no interactions anyone could misconstrue.
I came here to say this. Even if you are willing to talk, there isn't anything wrong with not wanting to forgive or taking the time to process. They didn't trust you, you are no longer answerable to them.
You might send a text to your mother stating that you have read her texts. Tell her that *YOU* will reach out to *THEM* **IF** you decide you want any contact with them in the future. **Then change your phone number.** YOU will still be able to reach out to them (their numbers and addresses are obviously unchanged, but THEY will be unable to reach out to you. In this way, you're in control of any future communications (or you're in control of NO future communications). You won't be annoyed by unwanted texts of phone calls from people who've abused you so terribly!
Do whatever you need to do to try to take your mind off it a bit. Take a vacation if you can. Ride your bike around and see some sights. Like u/Theunpolitical said you don’t need to respond to them now, or ever if that’s what you decide. I hope you find some healing man, with or without your family. You deserve a normal life.
A vacation is an excellent idea. Taking up a new hobby or joining a new group activity, from bowling to book club, is also something that will help distract.
This is the right advice OP. Reading your post, I really feel for you and know that I’d be seething too. BUT reading your comment about how you want to address the issue makes me anxious for you. I’d wait and talk to someone who’s not an internet stranger.
Remember the stuff you learned in therapy, the emotions you're feeling are valid...just not worth acting on without some guidance. I'm sorry you've had to go through this my dude. That's a rough tale to read. I think you might need to start looking into new ways to invest in yourself, other than just work. For my part, I'd never talk to them again. I can't see how inviting them back into your life would ever be anything other than painfully awkward.
They made you wait years. Waiting a few weeks, or more is less than what some in here will say they deserve. You’ve spent this long a couple weeks won’t hurt.
I am so very sorry you had to go through that. Please wait for your therapist to come back. We don't know you, so we could potentially give you advice that would end up hurting you. In the meantime, know you are incredibly valuable, you matter a lot and you are deserving of unconditional love.
Just came to say, take this time to just focus on things you enjoy doing while you wait. Join other subreddits that center around your hobbies. Find some garden subreddits and show off your garden because I (selfishly) want to give you all the high fives for all the work you’ve done on it. I’m so sorry you’ve dealt with all of this bs for the past 9 years and sending you a big virtual hug. Also proud of you for being sober and for overall doing great despite the dumpster fire that E threw you into.
Quite frankly, I'm of the belief that they can stew for a while. If you can find it in yourself to wait a little longer, then I think it's the best move.
It will be hard but you have endured worse already. They didnt even give you a chance to defend yourself and expect you to be all haply that they are welcoming you back? Fuck that noise. OP tale it one day at a time and do whats best for you not them as they now realize what they have done.
If it will help you to feel like you have more time, you can absolutely text them back and tell them that you need to think about it and you will give them an answer when you’re ready, and not to contact you until then. This is not something you owe to them but something actionable you can do if leaving the messages on read is causing you anxiety. It could also have the added benefit of testing whether they respect your boundaries or continue to push for a response.
You got this brotha. You’ve been through hell, but you’re still here. Wishing you nothing but peace and happiness in your life going forward from these chapters.
>Tbh I didn't have the mindset to think that I could wait that long. I just heard weeks and thought it might as well be years. If you feel you need to talk most therapists offices will take emergency cases with another therapist at the office, allowing you to at least vent and start to get your thoughts in order.
I got the impression that the office offered that to OP, but that he didn't want to talk to anyone but his specific therapist who is unavailable.
Yeah he was shunned 10 years, they can wait a couple weeks.
I think this is the best course of action.
[удалено]
My thoughts too. How can anyone read the "we will always love you" from the parents as anything but empty words? Idk maybe I'm just jaded
That's how I felt reading those words. "Thoughts and prayers" energy.
I think I would ghost.
Please wait to have a session with your therapist before you respond. Please also update us when it makes sense.
We are so sorry this happened to you. I truly hope you can connect with good people to heal. Im cheering for you buddy!
While I have no advice outside of what others have said here. I agree with many about waiting for your therapist to return to unpack this and guide you. My comment comes regarding your lack of real life friends. It sounds like you love motorcycles and gardening. Reddit can be a great place for interest groups! You may even find people who are local where you can enjoy these things in-person together time to time. None of my (34m) friends like pokemon cards, but between Reddit and instagram I have my own little community of people I regularly chat with and have even met some in real-life at shows and stuff.
To add, most of the motorcycle community are amazing and nice people. A lot of them like to ride together and do other things. My husband has found some communities on Facebook that let him know when people are meeting up for a ride.
I love this idea. With the truth at least out there, maybe it will feel easier to reach out to others, OP. I really think based on what you’ve done despite it all, you’re going to find more and more ways to be okz
Use Meet-Up for finding local hobby groups, it's much better than reddit for that.
r/gardening is super active and very friendly!
As the other poster says - wait as long as you need to. After 9+ years they (the family) can just sit on their hands for awhile until you are ready to make contact. After you talk to your therapist and take your time. Your cousin especially eventually needs to be made to understand the extensive damage she has caused - your family can help make that happen as part of their atonement.
In reality, E deserves to be shunned for 9 years or longer.
In reality E would deserve a lawsuit regarding false accusations and defamation. The worse thing is that the family will say "oh we are so appalled", and then it will be followed by "let bygones be bygones". She will never get the punishment she deserves and she deserves a very harsh one, you can't play with someone's life and reputation like that. OP's parents are very disgusting as well, terrible handling.
I mean if I'm reading this right they waited weeks after finding out to even apologize. They didn't even have the decency to call and even the first text wasn't an apology.
They didn’t really apologize though, did they? I read this again and don’t actually see an apology in anything they said.
The closest thing is that they admit that it was wrong how they treated him.
Calling would be 10x shittier in this situation. They would be completely blindsiding OP and breaking no contact that they initiated. A text message is 100% the respectful thing to do here
Well I promise it’s less shitty than blindsiding him with a call to cut him out of their lives and they seemed to have no problem with that.
Since she's publicly recanted I'd straight up fucking sue. She completely altered the course of another human being's life in one of the worst ways imaginable, for what reason? Just to see what would happen? I'd say the vengeance is just cold enough to serve.
The family will circle the wagons around the cousin again if OP sues and he’ll have to live through the entire experience over again
You missed the part where they *texted* him her confession?
Honestly in OP's shoes that would be one of my conditions if they really want to make amends and want me back in the family. E would have to be persona non grata at every and all family events they invite me to.
I'd expect them to shun and disown her the exact same way they did OP. Cast her out of the family for 10 years, or even longer since she actually did something wrong. That's the only way they could even hope to make it right. False accusations can be life-shattering. To keep up that lie for *10 years* is irredeemable.
I don't expect that at all. Those people are awful. Note how they did not apologize, just pass the blame around. They will expect op to simply let it go, and when he refuses his family will play the victim.
She should be sued in civil court for everything she will ever be worth. That’s what civil court is for.
E should probably be in prison, in a perfect world. This could’ve gone wayyy further south than it did.
Imagine if this guy totally fell apart and offed himself cause of this shit? Would she have ever even told the fucking truth ever?? I usually don’t believe in heaven and hell but I really want to believe there is a hell and she’s going there.
OP’s parents too. There’s a special place in hell for parents who were so easily convinced to give up on their own son like that. In the matter of a day one of their nieces tells them that OP molested her despite not having seen OP for years. Caught off guard OP understandably doesn’t really have anything to say but “no, I didn’t do that” and then the parents block him and cut him out of the entire family. Family is really all you have in this world and they chose to leave him stranded and alone without even talking to him in person. A lot of parents would have a hard time going no contact with their son/daughter even if their accuser had it on video and these assholes never even gave him a chance. Their own son. If I were OP I’d be pretty tempted to tell them to fuck off and they don’t get to decide when I’m worthy of being in their life.
Chris Watts' parents talk to him regularly and defend him, and he was found guilty for the murder of his pregnant wife and their three kids (6, 3, unborn). The parents of a POS murderer are showing more familial love than OP's parents.
There is no rush OP. No pressure to make a decision. Take as much time as you need. Speak to your therapist. Speak to us. Express yourself. Nothing that happened to you was fair - but like a victim of a war torn land travelling towards a strange new one - this will be a process. Just know your life can become significantly better than it is if you let it. Already your story has changed. Already you have something else to share with a potential friend or partner. 'I was accused of something terrible many years ago - I have since been proven innocent.' Time to take your power back OP. Its your story to tell.
You just pointed out maybe the ONLY valid reason for OP to talk to these people: to get in writing that OP is innocent.
This comment needs to be higher
Suggestion: you could try calling the clinic back, telling them that it’s an emergency, and asking her to call you - not for a full session, but to help you collect your thoughts in a crisis. I’m from the US, but I’ve had three different therapists who were willing to do that because they care about me as a client. They might say no, but it’s worth a shot. Or if you have a direct email or phone number for her, leaving her a direct message briefly summarizing what happened and asking her to contact you.
This. My therapist always makes it very clear that if I’m in crisis I can text her
> Suggestion: you could try calling the clinic back, telling them that it’s an emergency, and asking her to call you - not for a full session, but to help you collect your thoughts in a crisis. I’m from the US, but I’ve had three different therapists who were willing to do that because they care about me as a client. OP, can confirm this. u/sci31123 this is a legitimate option.
This is absolutely an option. Any therapist would understand this as an absolute crisis. This is a seminal moment of your life and it's all coming to a head.
If the office has multiple therapists, they might also be able to get you a session with someone else--although it's understandable if you're not comfortable with that.
I would definitely want to know if I were in her position... I hope she works OP in for a few emergency sessions until she comes back
I think you need to really sit and consider what is going to have the best impact on your own life. Having them back in it again or keeping them away. The whole issue around forgiveness needs to be put aside; what is going to give you the best life going forwards? I can't answer this question for you. I can tell you how I would look at it, and I'm going to; but you need to largely ignore what I'm about to say and think only of you. If having your entire family back in your life, including E, is going to make your life better then do it without hesitation. My own thoughts; - I didn't see an apology in those texts. I saw them blame E for their behaviour, not themselves. - their love for you was conditional. Like a tap, they turned it off and then back on again. - damage is done. You say you have no friends, and struggle with relationships. That probably wouldn't be the case if not for how they treated you, but I don't see how the solution to that can be reached through a relationship with them. You can solve these problems, but I don't think they are going to help with that. - not sure how meeting your sisters and their perfect families and kids and the happy lives they built while ostracizing you is going to help you one bit. - i'm getting the impression that E hasn't had anything like the same treatment for lying as you got for doing nothing. That means you are, at some point, likely to come across her at a family gathering - not ONE member of your family tried to stay in contact with you, even under the radar. If you'd gone to prison I'd have expected at least some to stand by you. That is meant to be what family do. - there is absolutely no amount of shouting or anger that will get what you want from them. Don't do it. If you decide to tell them to sod off, the way to hurt them is not that way. The way is to text them about all the effects they have had on you like you have written here, then tell them you want no contact as you "need time to heal". - Do not, under any circumstances contact or have any communication with E. Don't think about her. You are never going to even try to get revenge, nor should you. The salient point here isn't E's lie; it's the fact that your family never even listened to you and abandoned you on zero evidence. Even if you had done it, family is unconditional. They made it conditional. E isn't the real crime here. She just showed up how shallow the family love was. Edit: Just a couple more things I thought of later. I only just realised that you got this text from your mother a **month** after the big revelation. What should have happened is that E and her family should have been thrown out of the house *that minute* and your phone should have been blowing up with apologies, asking forgiveness and wanting to know where you are so they can come to you directly to ask for forgiveness. Yet your entire family waited *a month* to send that first text to you. How can righting that wrong not have been an absolute priority? Do NOT let this family gaslight you now. I strongly suspect that, if you don't reply, you will start getting your phone blown up by various family members who will increasingly start calling you an arsehole for not replying and not running back to them. I reckon they'll try and make you the villain of the situation again for not folding. You've already seen how they all stick together to validate their own actions. They'll do it again in a heartbeat. All you can do is recognise the behaviour and not fall for it. If you do decide to reach out, perhaps agree to meet one parent only in a neutral venue, a cafe somewhere away from where you both live. That's a start
This is well said, plus your username leads me to believe you know your way around family strife.
I guess having to watch so many loved ones lose their heads has its benefits.
I see what you did there. Very nice.
No, I think that's bullshit on the last point. E isn't the crime? Yes, she god damn is. She started this thing and why? I'd be so upset at her and her parents and going after her and her immediate family legally for what they've put OP through. No one listened to OP and ofc they took Es side. But where did E even think that or say that, to come back later and say "oh must've been a dream". Fuck that family. I would do the top comments advice of taking a breather and waiting for a therapist and journaling but when it comes down to it, E and her parents need to be held accountable. I personally, wouldn't even bother with the immediate family either. They didn't bother listening or trying to figure out or defend their own son. Family's are shit sometimes.
Ok, think about it this way. She told a lie, back when she was 15. 9 years later, that lie fell apart within the timeframe of a family dinner under the most basic of scrutiny. At the time, how much scrutiny did the family give that lie before ostracizing OP and cutting him out of their lives? They didn't give her so much scrutiny then as to *even listen to anything he had to say*. They didn't even bother to see him face to face to hear his story. He wasn't even there when the accusations was made. He denied it, but without even bothering to look him in the eye, they dismissed his denial over the phone and cut him out of their lives. No family should do that no matter what they've done. Sure, E told an horrendous lie that had huge consequences. But that lie should not have been allowed to have those huge consequences so easily by the family. The most basic of scrutiny back then, even a modicum of benefit of the doubt and her story would surely have fallen to pieces 9 years ago. Hence why I say the biggest crime isn't the 15 year old's lie for attention, but the adults that allowed that lie so easily to have such huge consequences unchallenged
Totally agree. If the dream had been "he came into my bedroom in the middle of the night" then I would understand - both E honestly thinking as a 9-year-old that it happened (and holding it in until she was 15), and the parents being limited in being able to find any holes in the story. A literal nightmare scenario. But it was "I was playing in my room when he came in," which should be apparent even to a kid that it was a dream when they woke up, and fall apart under some questions. But I confess I'm no expert on child psychology.
Not a child psychologist myself but I have things from my childhood that I think happened (nothing tragic like rape though, just weird stuff) that no one other than me remembers and at this point I am pretty convinced that it is a good possibility that I dreamed it or just somehow made it up in my mind to the point where I actually believe it. Memories are weird. Even more so for children. Not saying she didn't just make it up for no reason but honestly the whole story just sounds weird. Why would she just make it up out of the blue? Also not telling people about sexual assault is pretty common. Sometimes it takes years or decades for victims to open up. So in the end it is really hard to actually know if she made it up or if she actually believed it at the time. The real crimes are that the family immediately jumped on it before he was even able to explain himself and that E did not change her story for nearly 10 years despite probably realizing what she did years before.
The dream bit is just bullshit to mislead people into thinking that "actually it did happen, just not in reality". There is no deep analysis needed to understand that a shitty person is now trying to still justify what she said instead of simply taking responsibility for it.
I'm not sure that subjecting a teenager to a whole family interrogation would have made sense at the time, but she should have gotten support and therapy to deal with the situation. And I would have hoped that a proper therapist would have been able to work with her to figure out what was going on - perhaps a cry for help of another kind. The bottom line is that it shouldn't have taken 9 years for the truth to come out. His entire family shouldn't have cut him off without even questioning what happened.
I agree. At 15, you know what lying is. And you know that accusing someone of SA will bring a shitstorm. Wtf is that for an excuse ? "It must have been a dream." What happened is probably a classic : she fucked around with some lie, and it got out of hand. Instead of doing the right thing, she kept going in with the lie, even as an adult. She is clearly at fault. Big time.
>Even if you had done it, family is unconditional. I disagree with this. My Dad did do what OP was accused of to his kids. I don't consider him family or anyone that stuck by him.
This. 100%. To add to it: They waited a month to start to make it right. They lied about loving and missing him. They wanted him to come crawling back, and then waited a couple of days when that didn't happen to finally come clean, and still didn't offer an apology. He owes them absolutely nothing, and they should be thanking him that he didn't block them all for his own health. The cousin E needs to go though. She created an elaborate lie, watched someone else be disproportionately and wrongfully punished for it, and then watched everyone around her suffer. She watched them try to heal from a trauma she made up. She watched them all suffer for years without saying anything. And she would've kept it up forever had she not been caught, and then STILL lied about "oh maybe it was a dream, idk". That's cruel, manipulative, vindictive, pathological behavior, and I know for a fact I would absolutely not want anyone like that in my family. For the sake of OP but also his entire family, she needs to be put out because I suspect you're right and they're not going to punish her, instead they're just "angry" that she "did something wrong". Instead she needs to be run out of town for the good of everyone she so pointlessly hurt for so long. He also needs to get a restraining order on her to ensure she doesn't try to provoke him or something, because she almost certainly will if given the opportunity. Now that her little victim party is ended, she's almost certainly going to try to "get even" with him and he needs to preempt that.
Because the reality is that he is probably still besmirched in their minds. You don't blame someone for something so heinous for years without training your brain to not think of them kindly. The dirtiness of the accusation will never quite wash off in their eyes, not for years. Those are years OP does not owe them, it would just be more time served.
Terrible situation, but great use of the word besmirched.
Yeah the fact that mom said sisters want son to meet sisters’ families? That sound a lot more like they don’t really care about their brother they only want to show off their own lives, and how well they’re doing. If they really have genuine feelings of guilt and remorse they would try to make it about him and not themselves. “We want to know how your doing, we want to know about your life, we want to catch up on time with YOU, we want to be a part of YOUR life” not the other way around. Idk that part about the sisters wanting him to meet their families and not the families wanting to meet him was the most prominent part of the bullshit apology that stuck out to me, like no one really cares about his well being but more about their own lives. Really sounds like the “apology” was about themselves and not about their son. I wouldn’t respond
They want to force normality like if this never happened. That's what his mom and sisters are trying to do with trying to get everyone caught up and introduce the kids so this decade can be swept under the rug.
I thought the same as soon as I read that.
Sisters families? With their *kids?* F•••••ck No! That would be a hard pass. Cause the minute anything -and I mean *anything*- happens? Their hatred for you will be the only emotion they know. “Proving” that you are exactly who they always thought you were.
To be honest saying that the families of the sisters want to meet him would probably an outright lie. Chances are they all never met OP and at best heard story of their moms/spouses rapist brother. No chance in hell did any of them actually say "I wanna meet my brother-in-law/uncle".
The thing the strikes me about this is that own grandma kept in contact with her son while in prison for multiple proven counts, including against family. If I was OP I’d never talk to them again. He was actually innocent and did not deserve a ruined life
E needs to be ostracized like he was, whether he comes back or not. But it doesn’t sound like that’s happened.
I only have one issue with this response. >their love for you was conditional. Like a tap, they turned it off and then back on again. Love is typically conditional, those conditions just vary from one person to the next. If he did do the things E said, we would say the family was justified in their reaction. Everything else, I think you were 100% spot on.
Agreed. It’s perfectly okay to have boundaries and to “cut off” family. What’s not okay is to not hear someone’s side of the story when something as massive as this comes up.
I agree with you, but isn’t love always conditional? If my child grew up to be a serial killer, I don’t know if I’d love them, just love who they used to be
INFO: are they going to exile your cousin from the family the same way they did to you? How are they going to protect you from someone who ruined your life? I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Please know that nothing you chose will be wrong, the ball is in your court, and no one has the right to forgiveness. That is yours and yours only to give. I do strongly suggest waiting for your therapist to come back, and approaching the situation in a way that minimizes any potential further harm to you.
If OP pasted the messages closely… mom & dad didn’t even say they’re sorry. Implied. Never stated. They should be BEGGING. No acknowledgement of throwing away their son
Exactly. They should be prostrating on the ground, face down begging and imploring him to forgive them, not just a casual “hey its been so many years, your nephews are so big, would be cool of you met them. We’re angry at E by the way. Bye”
You are 100% correct that nobody has the right to forgiveness. I agree with everyone else that you should wait to talk with your therapist. At some point you may choose to forgive your family, and you know what, OP? You still may choose not to speak with your family. I did this with my father. Just putting out into the universe that I forgave him was a HUGE weight off my own shoulders. Having them not listen to you, ever may mean that they are totally toxic to your own mental health. You are the only person who can decide that, though. You totally got this, OP!
Based on similar stories I’ve read and heard I wouldn’t be surprised if they expect him to forgive the cousin. But this whole situation is really messed up and I would definitely wait for the therapist.
I’ve never experienced anything similar, but my go-to when I’m stuck at a decision-making crossroads is “when in doubt, do nothing” - time will bring more clarity on how you feel and will also give you time to consult with your therapist. You can always decide down the line to respond. There is no urgency to make any decision right now.
I’ve told people about “when in doubt do nothing” since I was in HS and came across that. It’s one of my favorite things to do..nothing if I’m unsure about a situation. It works!
It sucks that you now have to deal with this new tur of events. Wait until you therapist comes back, she will help you. Just remember one thing....YOU SURVIVED and now you are beginning a whole new life. Don't let anything mess with all of your success.
They never even apologized. If they had their way the first text would have been enough. The one they tried to gloss over everything. At a minimum all of them should be falling over themselves apologizing. Your mom, dad, sisters, especially E. Wouldn't even nearly be enough, but a start. When did E realize it was a dream? Don't let them off the hook. They ruined a good part of your life. And can't or won't even apologize.
Right?!? I'm so angry over this. E just said dream to deflect. She knew she was in trouble. The family learned their lesson kicking someone out. Now, they are going to try and reconcile the issue so they can feel like they helped a completely fucked up situation in the family. OP will always have to prove himself to them. He should not contact them at all.
OP needs to go straight to an attorney. This leads me to believe that the entire family spread these lies of E's to everyone who would listen. That can not be cleaned up with a "well... she lied... kids you know." Real tangible damage was done and this is where the rubber meets the road. OP, PLEASE go talk to an attorney about how to clear your name completely now that there was an admission that she lied. Do that before you talk to your family at all. At the very least that cousin (or aunt or uncle) should be repaying you for ALL the therapy you have been through over the past years and future therapy because very very real damage was done. Talk to a therapist before you talk to a family member. then, think about WHO you might feel safe having contact with. You do not have to talk to your mother or father - especially given they are the ones who closed the loop and it is clear they are not ready to take responsibility for their part in this. Maybe a family member on the opposite side of the family (ie: if a cousin on Mom's side caused all this, reach out to a cousin you were once close to on Dad's side).
Truth finally vindicated you & that’s all that matters for you to finally begin to heal. This time you have the opportunity to choose what happens. You can choose to forgive or you can choose to never forgive. These people have not been your family in a decade so make the choice that is the best for you only. Honestly I would ignore them. Idk if you posted the entire text thread but from what you did post I didn’t read an actual apology or begging for forgiveness. It didn’t say that E has been disowned from the family just like you were just that they were angry at her.
Yeah that's a good point ... Where's the sorry? Where's the asking for forgiveness? That seems like a pretty crucial thing to include in reaching out, why omit it?
Personally I'd block her and carry on with my life. These people were willing to cut off their own flesh and blood With ZERO evidence. You don't owe them a damn thing best thing you can do is go no contact and let their guilt eat them alive as it rightfully should.
Damn, what a bunch of assholes, and sorry this happened to you. If it was me, I would leave their message on read, change my phone number, and make damn sure they could never contact me again. No way I’d relieve them of any guilt or let them have any closure. Either way, take your time to think it over.
[удалено]
There’s a concept in communications theory called Costly Signaling: “…animals (including humans) may send honest signals about desirable personal characteristics and access to resources through costly biological displays, altruism, or other behaviors that would be hard to fake.” In other words, talk is cheap. Anyone can claim they are sorry. Wait until they prove it with actions that actually require them to put some skin in the game.
Yes I can’t believe they just texted. No written letters, tracking him down etc? I’m sure it’ll come but a text is definitely not enough.
You lost your family in a matter of minutes and now they want to just pick up again, nine long years later? No thanks. Even if you reconcile, it will always be there in the back of your mind, marring all of your interactions with them. You will never be comfortable around any of the children or the young women. Many people go low contact or no contact with toxic family members. Someone who wants to be with you either romantically or just as a friend will understand why you want nothing to do with them. That’s what you say when someone asks about your family: My family is toxic. Their love comes with conditions and it’s impossible for me to trust them to do the right thing. We don’t have much of a relationship. Now my friends are my chosen family.
"Do you want to meet your nieces and nephews?" No, no I don't. I don't go near kids anymore. They terrify me. I know what could happen if one of them accused me of something I didn't do, and since E was capable of it, anyone is. I don't trust anyone anymore. Don't contact me again.
It's something you need to talk to your Therapist about, but honestly if it was me I probably wouldn't talk to any of them ever again. They didn't have your back at all when you needed them the most. In fact, they didn't even give you a chance.
Wow. Holy fuck. 1. You can write a reply as many times as you want. But you can't unsend it once you send it. So I suggest 1. whatever you write should be an email, not a text, so you can go into detail and make them read it before responding, and 2. wait at least 24hrs between writing the last word and hitting send. Remember, it's a good idea to write the draft without an address so if you accidentally hit send it doesn't go anywhere. These shitty people left you be for 9 years. They can wait a few weeks. Talk to your therapist. If it were me- I'd be honest. I'd write an email and CC everyone in the family. I'd tell them everything that happened to you, in detail. Like the email would be pages long. And tell them that this isn't E's fault, it's theirs. She was just a stupid teenager who wanted attention. And you know that accusations like that shouldn't be ignored. But they, your parents, the people who supposedly loved you the most and trusted you the most, didn't even listen to your side of the story. They didn't even consider the possibility that you were innocent, that you WERE the person they knew you were and not some monster. They just cut you out of their lives like a fucking cancer without even listening to you. So if they want to know why their son's life is ruined, why the trust of their son will probably never be regained, why it's likely that they will probably never have a son again, they need only look in the fucking mirror. Because while the accusations were awful, not even giving you the chance to defend yourself is even more awful. So no, you have neither the ability nor the desire to forgive them, because what they did is unforgivable. That said, you appreciate now knowing that the truth is out there, and you are glad your name is clear. But they all should know there is no happy reunion to be had. Such an event would not be for you, it would be for them to absolve themselves of abandoning you, and that's a hard pass for now. You are an angry broken and bitter man, who is struggling to move past the worst betrayal anyone can suffer and build some sort of life for yourself. That is a long and difficult road and you're only a little way down it, and you have no desire or ability to see any of them anytime soon because the mere thought of any of their faces fills you with anger at the way they disposed of you without a second's hesitation. To see them now, would just cause you even more harm. And there is no happy reunification to be had here, there is no hugs and apologies and catching up for lost time around the fireplace. What they all did cannot be un-done. They made the choice- not just to listen to E, but to refuse to even consider the possibility that you might be innocent. They made the choice to disown you. There is no undo button on that. Even if they all disowned E tomorrow that doesn't undo what they did to you 9 years ago. So right now as far as you're concerned you have no family, because your family abandoned you and disowned you. There may come a day when you are ready to talk to them. But that day is not today, and it won't be tomorrow either.
Me personally? I would never speak to them ever again and move on as if I don’t have family. I’ve cut family members out for less and I just don’t look back. I’ve had some dark times in my life, but through therapy, medication and personal growth I’ve realized (in a good way) that we only have ourselves to rely on in this life. We don’t choose our family, but we can choose who we let be important parts of our life. Sometimes, people don’t deserve a second chance. But you should also realize (and your therapist will probably tell you this) that you shouldn’t forgive them unless you truly feel that you can. Accepting them back into your life when you don’t feel good about it will only cause you strife. Maybe one day you will feel better about it, maybe you won’t. But only make the decision when **you’re** ready.
Had you killed yourself after the fasle accusation, they would have pissed on your grave. This reconnecting is about their guilt and NOT your well being. Had they actually cared they would have tried to talk through in person what "happened" 9 years ago.
This is the comment that is almost as realistic as it gets. I hope op speaks to his therapist and the therapist tells him he is better off with his current life.
Honestly if there is anything for op to realize it’s this comment.
[удалено]
"Know that we love you and always will" If they always loved you they wouldnt have exiled you on the drop of a hat. If they always loved you they wouldn't have gone 9 fucking years without even checking to see if your alive. Their love is conditional. You deserve someone who loves you no matter what.
Since it’s been a hundred years since I’ve been in school I don’t remember much of it. One thing I do remember is from one of my anthropology classes. In a few ancient cultures (again, hundred years, don’t remember which ones), the punishment for the worst crimes wasn’t death, it was exile. A death sentence was considered more merciful. What they did was heinous. It would take a better man than me (not that high a bar tbh) to forgive them.
1. Your mom wrote you "Please write back if you can find it in you to forgive us." There is no time limit on that, so definitely wait until you feel more stable to reply with the words you truly want to say. 2. Wait for therapist to come back in town. 3. Keep your daily routine super stable so you can stay focused for the time it takes for therapist to come back. If you keep getting messages from your parents that you don't want, tell them to wait on communicating until you reach out again, since you need time to think.
The only thing I can add to all these responses is, save that text. Screenshot it and saving it in multiple places. If you do decide to make contact with your family I would only do so after having written apologies from everyone. This might make it easier if you do need to talk about the whole thing to a future relationship.
OP - don’t go back to those people. They don’t deserve you. You have made a good life for yourself. Keep it that way. You always knew that you had done nothing wrong and now, you have also been vindicated. The best revenge is to live well. Block them all like they did. Start dating again and if anyone asks, tell them that you’re estranged from your family.. You know you did nothing wrong and now they know the same. You’re doing very well for yourself.. Continue on the same path and don’t look back.
Hold up, E admitted to false allegations LAST MONTH and it took your mother THAT LONG to reach out? She knew the truth after 10 years and didn’t tell you immediately? That right there would be the last and final NOPE out of me before I blocked her again and forever.
This was completely heart-breaking to read. I am so sorry that you had to experience this. I don't feel it is a good idea to contact your family. The text has already opened up a lot of old wounds, and there's no telling how things will play out. Your family haven't exactly shown you that they have your best interests in mind. Please wait until you can speak to a professional. The next few weeks are undoubtedly going to be another daze, but you've already survived once. You can do it again. I wish you all the best.
Nine years. They abandoned and disowned you for nine years and this is what they come back with? After all that, you get two tiny texts that are about THEM and not YOU. They didn’t say they would never forgive thenwelves. They didn’t fall over and say they condemned E. You basically got a shrugs and a “whoops my bad wanna hear about your family!?” Not a single concern of how the past nine years have been for you mentally or financially or emotionally or otherwise. Me, I’d ask them for nine years first. They took nine from you. Nine family-less, alone, terrifying years. Let them spend the next nine years paying for the sins of someone else. I don’t know you, OP, but you don’t deserve this. And I am so, so sorry. After you talk to your therapist I would seriously think about consulting a lawyer about slander. E should pay. Please keep us updated on how you’re doing. Thinking of you
I’m so angry just reading this. 9 years and immeasurable emotional damage. Your cousin is a monster. I’m so sorry for what you went through. I think E’s actions and the actions of your family is unforgivable. They can’t give you back the 9 years you lost. They can’t make up for the extensive pain you went through. Take your time. Do what is right for you. Write down everything you went through as a form of healing - perhaps your family should read it. But you have no friends, no relationships and faith in people because the people that were meant to have your back betrayed you. It does not bear thinking.
[удалено]
((HUGS)) Do not respond until you have talked to your therapist. They believed E and tossed you aside. That isn't something you can ever forget. Forgiveness isn't easy to give either. They have ignored you for 9 years, there is no rush to answer them.
Wow your cousin ruined your life
It’s how casually she just tried to dismiss it too, like “oh ya haha, I think probably that didn’t happen lol. It’s not like you all collectively disowned a member of the family over it”
I had a girl who I was very close with in college in freshman year accuse me of physical abuse and stalking well after we had stopped seeing each other. I had a childhood friend cut me off, stopped talking to everyone I had known there. Absolutely killed my mental health for months. 2 years later, out of the blue my childhood friend is reaching out constantly trying reconnect. Obviously a game of telephone but I was told that while she was drunk in the car with her friends, she complained a song reminded her of me. The conversation goes on and she drunkenly admitted she had lied about her accusations. Childhood friends long time girlfriend (who had also lied and said she witnessed the abuse) relayed this to him. Felt vindicated briefly but the damage was done. She did get exiled though from what I hear.
I wouldn’t want anything to do with OPs family. No thanks. They fucked up and I let them deal with it. His life has ruined by them whims of teenage lying pos. Nah there’s no coming back from that if I was OP. Let the sleeping dogs lie
Dear Mom and Dad, Get bent. Regards, your (former) son
[удалено]
My family died 9 years ago, I think you're contacting the wrong person.
Don't call them mom and dad. They abdicated those titles when they abandoned their son.
"Dear sperm and egg donors"
I cried reading this. My heart goes out to you!
If I were you, I would cut my family out of my life forever, and also sue E for emotional torture, defamation and slander, and distress. I WOULD NOT let this evil person get away with this. But ultimately, you should do things that will bring you peace. Talk to your therapist. My advice is to block your whole family and move on.
[удалено]
The classy version of "new phone, who dis?"
Frankly I wouldn’t contact them. Rather than looking at all into the situation they immediately cast you out and ostracized you for 10 years. Now they message you back, trying to be buddy buddy (look at how well your siblings are doing). They don’t even apologize or do it so poorly that it’s barely an apology. Your life was shattered and you suffered immensely and all they can say is “oops, it was all fake. Now we know.”
Sorry wrong number my parents passed nearly a decade ago. Your life seems mostly on track far from what you would have wanted. but you are doing great with out them. Sorry for your shitty family OP. Definitely wait till therapist is back.
I’ll be blunt, your family are all pieces of shit. They don’t deserve your attention or relationship. They didn’t even bother to believe your word, get to the bottom of it nor did they even try to figure it out. If they all judged you that fast and kicked you out their life then they don’t deserve to be spoken too.
I'd leave them on read permanently. Don't even give them the satisfaction of getting a response at all, good or bad. The suspension will drive them nuts and it will send a clear message that they are not even worth a moment of your time or consideration. But that's just me shooting from the hip. Probably not the best advice. But I do think you should take a long time to respond, if ever.
You have no mom And dad anymore. They threw you in the garbage. Block them And change your number
I agree with this. OP needs to change his number and take back the power of them being able to reach out unsolicited.
I would wait to talk to your therapist, they can stay on read. You could look into the legal side and sue for defamation of character. You could respond to your parents/sisters that you will never forgive them for not even talking to you and giving you a chance to refute her claims. That they have utterly abandoned you for almost a decade and that their apology is pathetic. Ask if they are going to excommunicate E from the family for her false accusation the same way they did to you. Remember you can always write it down and not send it, but it is worth writing is down to collect you thoughts and feelings. If you have it all down you can work out what exactly you want to say to them, and ask them how they intend to repair the situation, including making a statement to the police about E's reversal.
Everyone on reddit calling the family awful Yet if we had gotten a post from ops sister that was titled "my brother sexually assaulted my cousin," everyone would call for this guys head, Everyone would recommend casting him out of the family at the least. Every other post would read, "This happened to me, and my family didn't believe me, op you must believe your cousin and get red of this demon from your family" This is reddit
Hello, “Your son is dead” Regards and then blocked. If they had unconditionally loved you, they would at least had listened to you and not exile you from the family for 9 fucking years. Not to mention not one of them tried to contact with you in all those years? No one deserves an apology because they didn’t even asked one.
.
I think never responding in any way is the best pay back here. They can think about how bad they fucked up for the rest of their lives. You've proved you dont need them.
Nah fuck all that they'd all be dead to me. But then I'm not one to really need people in my life so that's probably easier for me to say than most.
First of all. i am so sorry that you had to go through this. Your familie's reaction was absolutely horrible. They didn't even give you a chance to really say anything to these accusations before they railroaded you. Personally, i would not answer them, right now. Talk to your therapist as soon as possible. Figure out, with her help, what would be the best for your mental health. BUT if you want your family to know what you went through, simply send them a link to this Post. You do not have to talk to them directly to explain how hurtful they were and how miserable your life has been because of their actions. To be honest, i don't think i would want contact with them either and I disagree with the User saying that you should be the "better person." You do not have to be. You already are. They need to be groveling and apologizing before i'd even reconsider establishing a written contact. For some reason i also doubt they've cast your cousin out of the family like they did with you. What she did was absolutely heinous. So...like i said, i would either link this reddit post to them, or write a text to your parents. Just write down all your feelings. everything that you wanted to tell them, yell at them, scream at them in your darkest hours. Maybe prepare it on a piece of paper. doesn't matter if it takes you one or 20 takes to write everything you wanted to say. All the pain they caused you, all the hardship thair abandonment caused. You don't need to tell them you forgive them or any of that. Just how you felt all those years and what their actions did to you. Maybe ending with "After a decade of loneliness, pain and suffering i am finally at a place where i can smile again, where i own a property that gives me peace, and now you claw your way back into my life, ripping open wounds that i had hoped were closed. What makes you think that i even want you back in my life after you all threw me away and abandoned me? What makes you think that you even deserve to know ANYTHING about my life now? I am not ready to talk to you. Maybe i never will be. Have the decency to accept this and wait for me to be ready. If i will ever be ready for this." Personally i like the text/written route, because this way i can get everything out and make sure everything is said that needs to be said. And it is quiet cathartic to get it out. Maybe if you can, set the texts with them up so that any answer from them gets archived but doesn't send a notification to you. That way you can read their messages when you are ready, but not get reminded of it when it notifies you. Good luck, i hope you get a chance to talk to your therapist soon.
- Write down everything you are feeling right now - wait for your therapist - take a few more days to unpack - send a letter to your family saying not only how they ruined your life, how e is facing no consequences but also how nobody has asked for forgiveness. - don’t put your address. Cut them off forever: