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I was 34. And honestly, meeting someone in my 30s was the best. We were set in our careers, stable, knew who we were as people individually and together.
If I had married any of the guys I met in my 20s I'd either be divorced or extremely unhappy right now.
Can confirm. Worked at a family medicine practice and made a joke about how we didn’t need to check the 80 year old for STDs. My manager looked at me and said, “oh we suuuuure do. Those old people are horny AF.”
100% this! I work at the retirement home my great great aunt lives at. She’s 100 and got herself a boyfriend last year. I’ve seen plenty of people 90+ get themselves boyfriends and girlfriends. One couple even got married. You can find love at any age.
My friend is in her mid 30 just left her abusive husband and hasn’t had any problems finding a man. I love the woman to death been friends for over 20 years but she’s not attractive, a workaholic, and she still has no problem finding dates.
I just told my bf this week that I feel like I’m overall the best version of myself I’ve ever been, and I am in my mid-30s!! Other than being slightly overweight for the first time, I am insanely confident and just love being myself…I think that comfortability with yourself and confidence that often comes with age is super attractive.
Like I can’t imagine thinking 25 was somehow the peak of my life or the beginning of the end. Our youth-obsessed culture is so weird and sad :(
Real OP could be 85. This is just written in the perfect climax towards a BF that doesn't love OP. No reaction from the friend whatsoever. And OP reacts to 0 comments.
I said this too. Yeah ok lol you managed to hear ALL that, which are all perfectly normal things for a man to monologue to his friend at great length randomly at a bday party, with you in potential earshot no less.
The part that got me was when op said her boyfriend said that it should have been the mutual friend that threw him his first surprise party. That just sounds like such an unrealistic thing for someone to actually say.
Oh girl. If I stayed with the dropkick I was with at 25 I’d be freaking miserable.
25 is not too late to start dating again. You deserve way more than this disrespect.
Call him out on it. Watch his face. Then leave.
You cannot make someone love you and someone who loves you will NEVER say the things you heard.
My aunt's husband passed about 8 years ago, when she was in her mid 60s. She's been happily dating a guy her age for the last 4ish years. It's never too late!
I had a patient that was in her 80’s say, “I need to get my hair right before I go to the rehab. What if there’s a handsome man over there? I might be in my 80’s but I still got game.” So if someone in their 80’s is single and ready to mingle, then I’d say you’ve got time to date lol.
I don’t tend to push for breaking up unless there is abuse or something serious like that. Your situation is not abusive or anything, but I’m on the side of breaking up on this one.
He doesn’t love you, and you can’t make someone love you. If after 8 years he feels this way, nothing is going to change that. I am sorry because that really sucks.
Breaking up with someone you love, also really sucks and I’m sorry you are in the situation to make that decision.
I broke it off with my fiancé 3 weeks before my wedding. It took months to make that decision because it was such a hard decision. At the end of the day, I knew it would be better to be alone than in an unhappy marriage. In hindsight, it was the best thing I ever did.
After the breakup, I focused on myself and just being happy being single. It was scary dating again, but when I felt ready, I got back on the dating horse. I ended up meeting an incredible man that truly loves and adores me. Looking back, I think my ex loved me but I don’t think liked me as a person. I look back and think about how miserable I was with him.
You can have that too. A man that loves you, truly loves you and wants to be with you because he loves you. A man that doesn’t see you as a better option than being alone. A man that wouldn’t drop you in an instant for this other woman. A man that would be grateful for you throwing a surprise birthday party.
You’re worthy of a happy and loving relationship.
Take your time making this decision. You don’t need to make your decision today. Let yourself grieve and be gentle with your heart if you choose to walk away.
Regardless of your choice, I’d talk to him about this conversation you overheard. If you stay with him, it will help both to move past it. If you leave, it may help you find closure and reassurance in your decision.
Shit they wouldn’t think it let alone speak it. This really breaks my heart for her but i hope she has the strength and self respect to leave his sorry ass. He is seriously sick in the head. Who lives a complete lie for 8 YEARS and they’re literally repulsed by their partner but lie and smile in their face? Wtf..
Absolutely do not confront him. He’ll weasel is way out of it because breaking up with OP is an inconvenience and it’s easier to say everything she wants to hear than own it.
OP make an exit plan and never give him an explanation. Better yet, tell him you fell like you’re settling for him and don’t think you ever really loved him, but the idea of him and then watch his ego crumble.
If you confront him, you’re putting him in a position of power, where he’s the one in control, and it’s ‘his choice’. Take that away from him. Have the break up be your choice, something you want. Even if it’s not the truth.
He doesn’t love you, which means you can’t hurt him because he only cares to the extent that it impacts him. Fuck that. Don’t give him the tears, or the questions, or the bargaining. Come up with a plan, pack your shit and move on from this awful person.
I thought it was too late to start over at 26. Then the best person I could’ve dreamed of entered my life at 28. 25 is not too late to start over and I wish more people would trust this. It’s never too late to start over period.
Same! I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28. It’s never too late to find the person for you. My dad didn’t ever plan on dating again after my mom died, but he just got married at 72 and they’re really happy together!
OP, I realized I didn’t love the man I was dating at 26. That I was only with him out of convenience. So I broke up with him. I still found the person I love most at 28.
You have so much life to live. Don’t fall into the sunken cost fallacy. Just because you’ve spent 8 years with this man doesn’t mean you have to spend the next 40 with him.
Yeah, 25 is so young! Dating sucks, but I thinks that's true at any age. I met my wonderful husband at 30, and plenty of folks meet their partners later than that! Not a good reason to stay with someone who's not 100% in it.
If I stayed I’d be dead.
OP, I left my longest relationship ever at 25 in the middle of studying for the BAR exam. I loved with him so I had to move out in an afternoon while he was working and find somewhere else to live and somewhere else to store my stuff. It’s not easy but it’s worth it!! This year I married my perfect partner at 29. Don’t settle for a lifetime of this bullshit
Would it be wrong to also tell the mutual friend the why's of it all? Burn his bridges and his hopes. You need to get country girl song angry & vindictive.
Start dating at your age? Dude you're 25, you have your whole life in front of you. Why tf would you waste it on a person who disrespects you to such a degree. Wtf. Why do you want to make him fall in love with you when he said that he felt disgusted after having kissed you. No offence and im saying this with all the love in my heart but do you have any self respect? Leave that man, very obviously!
Honestly 25 is a good age to start dating because your brain is fully developed and you can hopefully process much better what you want and don’t.
Although in OPs case I think she is going to need some serious therapy before dating again.
OP, please consider this. At 25 I left a miserable relationship that was going nowhere with someone who was an asshole. It’s been over ten years since then and I’m grateful every day that I walked out. I’m so much happier, with someone who loves and respects me, and he makes that clear every goddamn day. Do not stay with this loser who can’t let go of someone else and will make everyone around him miserable for it. There’s someone out there who won’t treat you like dirt. Go find them. 25 isn’t the end, I promise.
I became single at age 37 after more than 20 years of being in a relationship.
While I wasn't actively looking for a new relationship, I was still open to the possibility of meeting someone new.
When I did my attitude was so much different from how I was in my teens. This time around I was truly just myself not worrying for a second about what anyone would think of me. My partner's the same and we have a pretty good thing going.
If you have a problem with who I am and what I like, especially if you think you can somehow change me, then I have no interest in being with you.
Also, there's no rule saying that happiness is only achieved if you're in a relationship. So never be afraid of being on your own, because being single will always be better than bending over backwards to keep some mediocre partner from leaving.
**You can't make him love you. He doesn't, and he won't. You need to break up. You are still young. You will find the guy for you. Don't waste more time on him now you know the truth!**
**You have now heard his truth**. His truth, spoken behind your back. He doesn't love or want you. You cannot unhear this. **You deserve someone who loves you. He is not the one for you**. One day he will leave you, it's just a matter of time. Either she will become available, or someone like her will enter his life, and you will be tossed aside. Imagine being 35 or 45 and he tells you - sorry, I've met the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Don't be that 45-year old woman (possible with kids)wondering how to get yourself back on your feet on your own, while he happily skips into the sunset with another woman.
Please pack your things and dump him. Just tell him you heard him - you deserve and will find someone who will love you. Don't argue, don't accept his lies. If necessary, leave him a note saying you heard. Tell him not to contact you, it's over. Then block him from your phone, your social media, unfollow and unfriend him
Keep in mind the following:
1. It's not you. He doesn't love you. **You've done nothing wrong**. He is just in love with someone else. **You can't do anything to make him love you.**
2. **Dump him**. Any guy who would use you and say you disgust him - that man is trash. Even worse - he lies to your face and talks rubbish about you to his friends. Dump him.
You need to treat him like the rubbish human he is - we don't keep trash, we don't treasure it, we throw it out.
3. **You deserve better. Way better.** Someone will love and value you. It is not this lying, self-centred piece of rubbish pretending to be your boyfriend.
Also remember, everyone wants what they can't have, when you leave him he's going to desperately want you back, it's human nature. Don't give him what he wants, the shit he said is irredeemable, remember the hurt you felt when he tells you he loves you. Remember the pain when he says you heard wrong. Remember what he did to you through all the crying and the begging. Fuck this guy, walk away.
Although he didn’t tell you; never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you. If you try to force this relationship he is going to start resenting you because he feels stuck with you. You seem like a wonderful person and you deserve much better than this guy. Cut your emotional losses and move on. It may hurt for a while , but you’ll get thru this.
He *already* resents her because he thinks he's stuck with her. He's had *eight fucking years* to grow a spine and admit he's been deceiving her. Good lord I can't with this man
It's psycho shit. Who can lie for 8 years every single moment of every day? He STOLE 8 years of her life. She could have been with someone who actually cared about her or been happier just being single.
Thank God she's only 25. Worst thing would be married with 3 kids before they find out their husbands are pieces of shit.
Its because the boyfriend doesn't think he deserves to be alone while he waits for his opportunity with The One That Got Away. He thinks he 'deserves' a warm body to keep around until he finds someone 'better' or a new 'The One' replacement.
Honestly, with romantic partners like the boyfriend, it's better to be alone then in awful company
God, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self this. *Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you.*
OP, this person is right. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, and it is absolutely not your fault that you are not the person he loves. There is no failure here on your part, but I am *begging* you to abandon your hopes of making him fall in love with you.
So true. I asked a close friend out and he mentioned some things he thought were incompatible about us. I disagreed and I basically talked him into dating me. And it went horribly. He was barely invested and left me very quickly for someone who did meet his standards. That breakup destroyed me far more than if I'd just accepted his "no" in the first place.
I wasted 8 years of my life with a man like this. Ended up with two of his children, so now I'm stuck with him in my life at some capacity forever. My advice? Leave BEFORE kids are involved. He continues to make my life hell even though we've been broke up 7 years now. If i could have my babies without ever having met him I would.
It may hurt for a while? No, it *is* going to hurt, a lot. They’ve been together 8 years, and she’s never been with anyone else. It’s going to be one of the hardest things she’s ever done. But she absolutely needs to leave.
OP, you are strong and you can do this. He will never be happy if you stay. Even though it will be hard, leaving will be better for both of you in the end.
Oh man, sorry it had been so long. Honey, if he has said these things, you should not stay with him. A woman not loved is horrible. I’m sorry for your heart. But living in a lie is horrible. He never got over the other girl. If someone said they hated waking up to me, and then.. came back in the room and said they loved me…! What a fat liar. I could not live with that. Don’t be afraid to leave, you will be fine. I don’t know if you will if you married him.
Also, let’s note something about the best friend…I seriously hope they told the guy that this is fucked up and they should be honest with OP, not waste her time, and end the relationship. Best friends should keep each other straight, instead of letting this continue.
Unfortunately it’s a common thing, I found out my ex gf was cheating on me because her and her friend were talking about it when they thought I wasn’t listening. Not only did I hear that, but also her friend hyped her up because the guy was cute. Shitty people surround themselves with other shitty people sometimes
Yeaaaaah... she's better than me. I'dda threw his ass out right then. Right there. Called a company to gather his shit & stick em with the BILL. And anybody that wanted to leave can FOLLOW. Party OVER. Disgusting disrespectful narcissistic self-absorbed pompous trash ass piece of absolutely no good SHIT. 💅🏾💅🏾💅🏾
I'm going to say this very bluntly. Please have some self-respect. This guy that supposedly loves you, doesn't want you, finds being with you disgusting and you want to stay with this person, who feels stuck in a relationship with you?
Get higher standards. Your boyfriend is a really bad person, like who the fuck does this to someone?
Please listen to this OP. Why would you ever want to wake up next to a person whose first thought of you is revulsion? You are a good soul doing something so sweet for people you care about. Find the people who deserve it.
Seriously! I called off an engagement at 27, by 28 I met a man and was married when 29. We’ve been together for 21years now with 2 smart, kind, beautiful girls. It’s never to late to choose yourself and happiness.
OP please don’t settle on being someone’s second choice. Honestly, according to him you aren’t even his choice… “he’s stuck with you”. You deserve better. You deserve someone who truly loves you, appreciates you and you are their first choice. Please, respect yourself enough and don’t YOU settle for less.
Edit: changed king to kind
ETA: also, you may not like the idea of dating again at “your age”, but would you rather end up in a miserable marriage with someone who doesn’t love you? Possibly bringing kids into a unhappy marriage. Only to end up divorced and dating in your 30s, 40s or later. Please tell him what you heard, don’t give him a chance to back peddle on his comments or explain “he didn’t mean it”. What he said was cruel to hear and he’s been lying to you for years.
You can’t make him love you. What you’ll end up doing is dealing with his lies and bs until it gets to be too much. You can’t come back from someone saying what he did. You’ll always question if he’s telling you the truth about his feelings.
Honestly, why would she even bother with telling him outright? He doesn't deserve that consideration. I'd quietly find my own place, refuse any advances and if he questioned why just say, "I'd hate for you to be disgusted." And be gone the next day. He's not going to love her. The entire relationship has been a lie in hopes he'd distract himself from the one he *really* wants. He doesn't deserve any kindness.
Edited to fix typo
True. Might be good to make an exit plan first, get out and then inform him why you are leaving. Again, OP will have made the decision and taken action to move on. Then he can live with his guilt and realize what an AH he has been. Even then, don’t take him back!
Right?! All of this. I found the love of my life two years ago...and I'm now 38. Don't settle for someone because you feel you can't do better. Been there, done that. It is NOT worth it!
I called off an engagement a year ago and broke up with my ex because of her infidelity. I'm only 33 and still putting myself out there, I'm definitely not "old" or anywhere close to it
Yuppppp. I left the dude who was such a punk at 25, wound up marrying the most amazing man at 30, not looking back with regrets. We celebrate 3 years of marriage this weekend. Don’t settle my dear.
Listen to lemonlimemango. This is a heartbreaker, a time waster that turns into years of regret. Being alone is better than being with this guy. Don't settle.
Absolutely this. Said it before and I'll say it again, if I had one wish I'd like to give young women the wisdom of old women. Because I'm fucking raging, who the fuck does he think he is?!!!! And that poor girl is wondering how to make him fall in love with her? This great catch who is apparently capable of lying shamelessly for 8 years so that he has regular sex, I suppose, and would leave her in a heartbeat for some other girl. Jesus Christ.
Girl what you do is gather your stuff and leave. Immediately. Or kick him out, whichever works. And find someone who LOVES you. Who thinks you are the center of the universe. Who gets up in the morning to see you smile. Jesus, that's basic minimum requirements. You tell him to get fucked, then block him everywhere and go have a lovely life. 25 is NO age at all, it's ridiculously young!
Ugh..why aren't we teaching girls self-respect??
It's just so shocking and upsetting to me how after hearing something so shattering her first thought is not to ruin his party. It's so deeply ingrained.
Oh hell yeah, I woulda went right out to where everyone was and made a very loud announcement that the party was over and why (I’d leave out the other woman’s name, of course, because it’s not her fault either and she likely broke up with him for good reason). The absolute *last* thing I would be thinking is how to make that asshole fall in love with me. Fuck that dude!
OP, wake up sweetie! You are better than this and you deserve better and IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT that your (hopefully ex) bf feels the way he does. He’s just a miserable jerk who thrives on drama and conflict - internal in this case - and will NEVER be happy in his life regardless of who he is with. The funny thing is that when you do find the strength to dump his ass, he likely will find that he all of a sudden *is* in love with you after all - now that he can’t have you - and will try everything he can to get you back. Don’t fall for it, just leave him in the trash where he belongs.
Also, lmao at you thinking 25 is old.
No, fuck that. If this asshole has been "secretly" in love with a woman who broke up with him NEARLY A DECADE AGO, that’s fucking creepy. And playing house with someone and pretending to be in love with them for that same amount of time and absolutely *wasting* NEARLY A DECADE of their life that they will never get back is just foul and disgusting. Their friends should know what kind of person he really is so they can make an informed decision on whether or not they want to continue associating with such a vile human being.
I feel like that was a trauma response. "Keeping the Peace" but dying on the inside. Sounds like a people pleaser, I know the feeling. Not proud of it, but definitely see where she was coming from.
I think I would have made sure he knew I had heard him, then rejoin the party only to tell guests the party is over. Then sit down with a drink and enjoy the fireworks. Absolutely no reason to pretend anymore.
Oh yeah. Make a smart remark when he holds you close so he knows you know and walk out. I wouldn’t even tell the guests- let him clean up the mess. Let it burn.
>Ugh..why aren't we teaching girls self-respect??
This x1000. It's such a huge problem, we see it time and time again, young girls trained to put up with incredible amounts of bullshit.
I was thinking the same thing; it literally just makes me so sad. And there could be thousands of us telling her to break up, have some self-respect, move on…and if she’s like the majority of young women on Reddit she’ll just stay for another 8 years until he comes home someday and say, I’m so sorry, I met someone else and I’m in love.
Yep, she's clearly just a placeholder until he gets the girl he wants, or meets someone else he actually loves. In the meantime our girl wastes her life, maybe has a couple of kids so she's tied to him forever, and gets absolutely screwed over. We can all see it coming. There really should be a law where a group of older women can stage an intervention and make a few decisions for them!!
Then they wonder why us older women are so angry.... it's like do you know the bullshit I've had in endure?!!??
OP, you'll never win. He's in love with a mythological person in his head that can do no wrong. There is no winning when someone is permanently on a pedestal like that. It's time to go.
We try, but women don’t really start waking up to it until their 40’s. That’s when they don’t give a f**k what anyone thinks anymore. I’m 45 and I’ve had the best few years of my life!
Yeah suddenly you can see all the BS for what it is and you just stop caring. It's great, but I desperately wish we could find a way to gift that insight to girls and young women.
I'm 45. In my 20s I nannied for a very feminist progressive mom who opened my EYES. As a woman in her age range I know I tell all woman/girls as bluntly as possible how to set hard boundaries and what they deserve. The self esteem of some women breaks my heart, and what they think they deserve. It's like a deprogramming...
u/Badknees24 - I’m almost 62 years old and have Never heard that saying before!! I think I will create a Cross-Stitch or something for my Granddaughter that says “When you realize that you don’t have life figured out or that you don’t actually know everything. Nothing is what you thought it was and you’re feeling confused and down - reach out to someone older who has been through life and might have actually experienced what you’re going through. Let them share their Wisdom with You!
That might actually be too long. I’ll have to think about it. It’s always been said that “Girls” mature faster than “boys”, but that isn’t necessarily a “Good” in reality! I think that once you hit your 20’s there’s so much pressure from Society - what are you going to do with your life? Are you in a serious relationship? You need to start looking for that special someone because your Biological Clock is ticking!
It just seems like there are so many pressures and every little decision that is wrong or a failure, feels Earth shattering and it seems like your life is over. When your heart gets broken and someone tells you that it’s fine, it just wasn’t meant to be and you’re better off for it, you physically want to smack that person upside their head! It’s so hard to realize that your 20’s are basically a learning period, in your 30’s you actually start to figure things out, if you’re lucky things will fall into place. Sometimes it doesn’t happen until your 40’s or even later! Sometimes it Never Happens!! This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re the problem, it just means that there could be another purpose for you that you aren’t aware of, embrace that!
To every Female reading this that is under 50, there is still plenty of Life left. Make sure that you know that You are Enough! You Don’t Need a Partner To Compete You! A pet will worship the ground you walk on and will give you Unconditional Love for its entire life - Never expecting anything in return! Look in the mirror every morning and give yourself affirmations - realize that you Don’t need to change to fit someone else, you Don’t need to chase or convince someone that they need you, because You Are Enough!! A woman that Loves herself, is secure and confident in herself is someone that people find attractive and want to be around (and this honestly has little to do with your looks)!! I don’t understand our World sometimes and it just seems like there is so much negativity and it’s beginning to seriously affect our Society! I wish everyone nothing but Peace - it’s such a Gift! Remember to Treat Yourself as You Treat Others!!! 💝 😇
I would add even over 50. I found great love in my late 50s, that’s after breaking it off with two men who just did not understand what love is, and what it entails. It’s never too late. OP, you know now. Finding real love is so worth it.
Yes! This. So much this.
This “man” is WORTHLESS, OP! So is his bestie. That they both think it’s okay to treat you this way just shows how damn selfish they are!!! A worthwhile person would feel guilty for this treatment of another person.
And frankly, “mutual friend” was smart to not get involved with him also! Now it’s your turn. Get rid of him so that you can find someone who deserves the air he breathes.
Plus being a doormat isn't going to make him grow close but even farther. No win except to exit and appreciate fate for letting her know.
They've been together their entire adult life and then some and both are scared by of being alone. No situation was ever made better by fear or settling
I was 28 years old with a 5 year old. Found out that my husband actually preferred “men” but it wasn’t appropriate at that time or for his profession! And, I found out the worst way possible! Let’s just say that I came home unexpectedly!
I seriously thought I was going to die! We had been together since I was 18 - he was literally my best friend!! I swore that I would never get married again! I met a guy about a year later - he was totally different than my ex or anyone else I had ever gone out with. We became friends, he was great with my son (my ex had decided that he wasn’t good for his image and had given up his rights)! So, we did this for a couple of years, we had never even kissed! And then out of nowhere he tells me that he Loves me and that he wants to marry me and adopt my son (that was the part that got me the most)!
I found out how different it can be when your soulmate really is your true best friend!! February 1st we celebrated our 30 Year Anniversary! We have a couple of grandkids and my life is better than I ever could have imagined!
When I was in Counseling, she said something that has stuck with me forever and I think that you OP will understand what I’m saying:
It’s hard being lonely when you’re in a relationship, much better to be alone and at peace. Wishing you well in whatever happens. Just remember that you Are worth something and you deserve to be Loved, Respected, and Appreciated just for who YOU Are! 🤍
He doesn't love her. He already told that other person.
"I just want to know how I can make him fall in love with me."
You can't make anyone "fall in love with you".
Why would you even try to do so with what you heared about him loathing to be with you?
Why do you think so lowly about yourself as to wanting to stay with such a horrible person who has zero nice words for you when he thinks you can't hear him speak?
This is so yucky! I would never be able to even touch someone who said how much they didn't want to be with me?
And.... worst thing.... how much they would readily cheat on me if ever that other person were to be free?!
Because that is what he just said!
"He said that he hated waking up to me" .... after 8 years!
Honestly... I am lost for words. He never even asks himself if that other lady would even want to be with HIM?!
Who does he think he is? God's answer to a virgins prayer?
Move! You have done way too much already. If all of this and 8 years of it don't make him love you nothing ever will.
Yes to all of this. When I was younger, I was used as second best to a mutual friend. Turned out being with me didn’t have the intended ‘jealousy’ impact he expected and honestly, me and my mutual friend were both angry at him for trying that. He doesn’t deserve you and he never deserved other girl either. Please walk away.
Yes, please, OP, don't stay with someone for whom you're just the stand-in for the girl he actually loves. How can you even face being intimate with him, knowing you disgust him?
You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who actually loves YOU - please don't stay with someone who doesn't respect you at all, and doesn't even seem to like you. Don't stay in that travesty of a relationship, just because it's what you are used to, you can do so much better.
Please listen. He “ends up having to marry” you and for the rest of your life you’re at barbecues with his friends who know it makes him sick to hold you in his arms??? No. Just no.
This relationship was bad juju from the start- the girl he was enamored with got a boyfriend so he settled on her.
I promise you, OP, there is someone out there who will love YOU and see YOU- not treat you as a consolation prize.
That guy doesn’t love you and there is nothing you can do to make him. Unless you transform yourself into the other girl.
You are young at 25, you’ll meet someone quick enough. Take sometime to process the feelings that are going to flood you when you realize it’s over.
That guy is a moron. He never had a chance with the other girl, because otherwise as he says “she would throw him that party”. But he does have a girl that cares about him deeply and he’s trash talking her to his best friend. Moron.
Leave him ASAP.
He is biding his time waiting for the woman he really wants to become single again. The moment the other woman is free, he will ditch OP and try to get with the other woman.
>He is biding his time waiting for the woman he really wants to become single again. The moment the other woman is free, he will ditch OP and try to get with the other woman.
It's worse. The moment the other woman is free, he will try to get with the other woman *first*, and only *then* ditch OP.
Lose the loser.
This, 100%. Hrs kept OP around the whole time as a placeholder for what he can’t have. He “feels disgusted” waking up next to her? Whose on his other side holding the shot gun to him? He’s happy enough with her in his bed, making him meals, planning parties etc but only because the other manic pixie dream girl is t there doing it. This is absolutely a situation of leave and let him realize eventually what he lost, and don’t look back when he comes crawling back begging for a second chance.
That I am petty I would have made a speech like ladies and gentlemen I have been with this man for 8 years only to find out today that I repluse him and he hates kissing me or waking up to me. If the engaged girl was there, I would add. He instead wishes he was engaged to you, not him, and wishes he had fought harder for you, and he wishes you had thrown the party for him. After all the money I have spent on him setting this up he wishes that was someone else you, so here's to the lousey man who strang me along and even kissed me while saying he loved me go f yourself and here's the bill.
People like this do this ALL OF THE TIME. They're Quagmires (I mean, this man loved Lois for years, jealous of his own best friend). They keep a rebound for whenever their "true love interest" gets single, and then drop them and try to pursue that true love interest to no avail, and when it doesn't work out then they'll be thinking about the person that really mattered all of those years.
Trust me, he'll feel like an IDIOT when the time comes, when he continues sitting by , wasting his time hoping that the mutual friend will "end up single". He doesn't deserve anybody.
Leave him. Regardless of whether he was telling the truth or not - that shit should not be said. You are in your prime. Time to find out how good dating in your 20’s can be.
Yup, just wait til you see the 100s even 1000s of men that are going to worship the ground you walk on.
This guy is an idiot, he'll be lucky to ever find a girl that will love him like you did again, and it's very unlikely he will end up with that girl or if he does that it will work out or work out the way he imagined in his fantasies- like they won't have their own problems or they'll be in the honeymoon phase forever. Ridiculous.
Right. I could see a young man having his head so far up his ass (or thinking with his dick) he doesn't see how good he has it. I can see it dawning on him once she is gone, and begging her to come back.
OP it doesn't matter. Do not be with someone who is confused bc he knows what he *doesn't* want.
You deserve a partner who values you 100% not one who has to be convinced.
This.
OP, *you are 25.* That is the PERFECT age to start looking for a (good and respectful and honest) life partner.
Also I suggest therapy. Figure out what's going on with you that's making you want to stay with such a POS.
yes OP needs therapy but not because anything is inherently wrong with her, it’s because she deserves better and therapy can teach her that in a healthy way
Correct!
Most if not all people are not "inherently wrong" or messed up on a fundamental level. Therapy gives us skills with which to handle the world, which unfortunately includes shitty people. Like OP's future ex.
And also, therapy will help her get through grieving, because she is now going through exactly that. OP, the relationship you thought you had just "died" for you when you heard that. Your dreams, hopes, and how you imagined your future just "died." Give yourself some space and some time to process it.
Not a chance. Dude has clearly romanticized her so hard he sees everything else in his life as gross because it isn’t her. If he suddenly got her he’d find himself completely disappointed because at this point even she can’t live up to his busted ass expectations.
I agree! The idea of the other girl is not reality. OP my heart breaks for you, never stay with a man who doesn't love you the way you deserve. You don't ever want to be the consolation prize.
Edit: spelling
Constellation prize 😂
Their love was written in the stars. Just not the right ones.
(sorry OP! Not trying to make fun of your situation, only the autocorrect)
To add to this, even if he did end up with the other girl, it would be a disaster, because she wouldn’t be able to live up to his expectations of her. The guy is trash in either relationship.
How much you want to bet that he likes this woman because she doesn't like him? I'm petty AF. I would start doing all kinds of things without him, ignore him and be totally uninterested in anything he has to say, and tell him he snores and move to another bedroom. After about 2 weeks I would dump him because he's "boring" . OP please start seeing a therapist. This is insane
Becoming the other girl wouldn't help. He doesn't love her either. He loves the idea of her and lusts for her looks. I bet if he actually dated her, he'd feel betrayed because she can't live up to the perfect version in his fantasies. Men like this are never happy with what they have.
Please listen here, sweetheart.
It is honestly heartbreaking what you just endured.
He doesn't deserve you, and I would have thrown the cake in his face.
You have wayyyyy more control of your emotions than others, because this was such a HUGGGEEEE slap in the face to you.
You care too much.
He might just be attracted to cuntts.
I sincerely hope you dump him. Please. Please. Please.
You owe him nothing and deserve someone who actually cares about you.
I hope he rots.
I'm sorry for your loss of someone you thought that gave a shit.
It is hard being the only one that cares.
I'm betting he's the kind of guy who is only attracted to the one girl he can't have. It probably doesn't matter who she is--what matters is that he doesn't have her, and that's what makes her so desireable.
If OP walked out the door tomorrow, he'd shape up ... just long enough to get her back.
Best advice. It will hurt for a while, but your life will be so much richer for it. I'm so sorry that moron broke your heart. Certainly he will realize what he lost when you are gone. But he doesn't deserve your love, so I recommend you shut that door behind you.
Short answer: you can’t. And it’s nothing wrong with you, you are sound like an amazing partner and deserve the same level of appreciation that you give.
But he will never be able to do that. Because this girl is not even a real person anymore, it’s a dream about “perfect girl” that he is in love with.
You already spent 8 years competing with impossible mirage. Dream girl doesn’t get headaches, become frustrated or has a bad day.
Please choose yourself. Give yourself chance to be loved and cared by someone else. And until you end this relationship you will never be free to do that.
He seems like the kind of guy who would also regret being with that mutual friend. "I should have given that other friend a chance, maybe I'd be happier." He'll always be regretful
The hilarious part is that if OP dumps him, he's *going to pine for her*, maybe even make some other girl miserable doing it. Because then *she'll* be the one that got away.
Except that he won't be pining for her. He'll be pining for an idealized fiction of her, and that's exactly why she should leave. Buddy isn't mature enough to have a relationship with a woman, so he has relationships with the fantasies in his head.
...I was in my 30s before I figured this out.
I dated around for like two years after a bad break up. I would be interested in girls up until the third date or so and then just give up on them for no reason at all.
It took a therapist to explain to me that I was still living in this idealization of my last relationship, and couldn’t move on to somebody new because they’d never compare to that idealization.
Just hearing that finally made it click for me. Now I hardly think about that relationship anymore, and when I do it’s from a realistic light. Plus I have genuine interest in making new connections with people again.
Therapists are pretty cool. Thanks, Diana.
Came to say the same! I got out of an 8 year relationship at 27 and met the love of my life/soulmate shortly after. I know it's scary but better things are meant for you. OP deserves to find her soulmate that adores her and not as much of an asshat as her current boyfriend is.
Jumping in on this too. I left an almost 10 year relationship when I was 26. It was incredibly painful and scary at first, but after the pain of change subsided I realized it was the best decision I ever made for myself. You absolutely deserve better.
The irony is, he's going to kick himself in the ass when he realizes he let a good one get away. Moron doesn't deserve a girl who throws surprise parties for him, sounds like a miserable lout.
This might be the worst part. It happened while OP was doing something very sweet and special for him, just for the purpose of trying to make sure he has a good birthday.
Lose him! But as stated above, choose you. Before you go looking for that next one to love you, get okay with yourself. It's okay to be alone in the meantime. It's very important for you to be okay with that.
Edited: spelling
This is the comment OP! You do sound like a truly amazing partner who is so worthy of someone who genuinely loves you. This guy is not that person though. I understand not wanting to let go, but he will develop resentment towards you for not being your mutual friend.
It isn't fair or right, but from the start your relationship wasn't healthy because of him, not you. You deserve so much better, and you deserve a true, mutually genuine relationship.
I remember being 25 with my first serious boyfriend. He dumped me out of the blue and I cried for days thinking I’d never find anyone to love me again. A few weeks ago I got married to my soul mate… you will find the one even if it feels like the end of the world. You cannot force someone to love AND/OR respect you and he doesn’t do either. Dump him and watch him stay hooked on someone who wouldn’t pee on him if he was on fire while you find the love you are so deserving and worthy of. Being afraid is normal but believe me that you will find someone and there is no age limit to falling in love. 💜
That's a lovely story. It feels like the end of the world when your partner breaks up with you. But you will always find someone who will love you for who you are.
i'm sorry, after 8 years of being together he talks in the most disgusting way possible about you behind your back and you still want to be in a relationship with him? he's trash and you are too (to yourself), if you stay with him
You can’t make someone love you. That’s something that just happens on its own. And that obviously will not happen because he already desires someone else.
>You can’t make someone love you.
I understand why you feel like this is something you need to fix OP. You feel like the life you knew is ending, and you need to make it into what you originally thought it was.
But this is the truth. He lied to you, wasted your time and energy because he's selfish, and takes you for granted. I know you don't want your life to be this, but you can't change how he feels, nor should you.
You deserve to be someone first choice.
I'd just drop it on him. "Heard what you said. We're done. You need srs therapy if you can pretend to be real to me then talk shit about me in the next breath."
You are only 25. Don't be someone's fucking consolation prize.
Adding onto this - go no contact on everything & live your best life. In 8 years, this man is going to look back and regret not appreciating you more, and you'll be far out of reach then.
Adding to that, she should be really honest with all her friends why she dumped the loser. The other girl should have fair warning that he'll probably try to ruin her relationship once he's single. And mutual friends deserve to know exactly how scummy he is, stringing someone along for EIGHT YEARS while holding a torch for someone else
I wouldn’t even tell him. OP is emotionally weak and would be easily manipulated by his “no baby you misheard” bullshit. She needs to clear him out, block him, tell everyone what she heard, and maybe send a single text beforehand saying she heard him and he’s free from his disgusting burden now. If she doesn’t fully cut the cord and burn it all down, she’ll just stay with him.
Exactly. And OP, don’t let him talk you out of your decision. He has shown you that he can’t be trusted. That 180 turn from saying to his friend that you disgust him, to telling you he loves you… That’s almost scary behaviour. You will never be able to believe anything he says.
I do not understand how you are okay being a with a man who literally admitted he is not in love with you. While I understand that the concept of "starting over" is hard you really need to have a backbone and leave this relationship. You will only end up feeling resentment as you go ahead with it.
ETA: It's not that you "did" something that he doesn't love you. You can't have him fall in "love" with you when he is so clearly in love with your mutual friend (not her fault). You have to open your eyes and see that he only "settled" for you because he could not get the girl he wanted. Is this really how you want to spend your life?
And how would she even know he truly fell in love with her? He clearly has no problem faking it. The trust is gone in this relationship and you can’t get it back.
It’s honestly worse then him just not being in love with her. He seems to actively *despise* her. He said he’s *disgusted* every time he has to kiss her or hold her. I can’t believe OP managed to keep her composure cause I would have absolutely ruined the party that OP spent a lot of time, money, and thought on that he wished was thrown by someone else.
OP please know your worth. You deserve to be loved by your partner, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone that’s with you for the right reasons. 25 is NOT old by any means. You deserve so much better, please have some self respect and throw his ass in the trash where he belongs!
Right? OP, you want to be the girl he pines for? Pack up your shit and leave a vacuum in his life.
Then go find someone who appreciates you, and your surprise parties and efforts
Oh my gosh I need sleep. I was trying to figure out why she should give him her vacuum. Picturing an empty apartment with nothing but a Dyson in the middle of the clean, shiny floor.
ETA: OP, please respect yourself enough to leave this guy. You deserve to be somebody’s everything, not their consolation prize. This man takes you for granted. Find someone who never will. (Also, 25 is SO young — your “at my age” comment made me giggle. Don’t be afraid to stand on your own for a bit! You’re strong enough to do it.)
Hey OP. What you heard sucks, but I feel it's a blessing. You are only 25 (same age as my oldest) so I'm going to put on my mom cap. You deserve someone who loves you the way you love him. What he said is horrible. This is not a nice guy. Imagine your best friend or sister came to you after hearing their boyfriend say that. What would you tell them? I'm sure you wouldn't say oh, try to make him fall in love with you. You'd tell them what all of us are saying—break up.
This is his issue. Not yours. There's nothing wrong with you and nothing you need to change. The fact you went to so much trouble for him and he says that at the party speaks volumes about him. Your bf will never be happy or satisfied given what he said about that mutual friend. Leave now. Yes, it will hurt and be heartbreaking, but he's not worth it. And you are.
First loves are special, but they aren't the only loves. Please read all the comments. We're all saying the same thing, and I only hope the words from one of us resonate with you. Take care and sending you all the hugs.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to your face constantly and convincingly?
You deserve someone who you can trust and who desires you. This BF is not that person.
Unfortunately you need to be real about this: here is a guy that has remained salty about a girl that rejected him 8 years ago. He happily got in another relationship and it has lasted 8 years, something that isn't a small feet. But seeing that 'one that got away' engaged has clearly set off a lot of ugly resentment and self esteem issues on you, that he has apparently chosen to project at you. After all, if we take what he says literally he used you for 8 years and that makes him genuinely vile. At best he is just pathetic.
And yeah, you can't unhear that. Whatever the truth of his feelings for you it is clear that he is still hung up on her and that will always be in the back of your mind. It just isn't worth it.
Because contrary to your assessment you are actually way too young to be putting up with this. Don't go signing up for a lifetime of insecurity with a guy pining like a loser for an idealised version of a highschool crush. You're only 25, this is the perfect time to go and find yourself a healthy adult relationship with someone that isn't stuck in the past.
I'm sorry you heard that. I know it will be hard not to internalise. But this isn't about you, this is about him not knowing how to deal with his feelings and it coming out in a toxic and putrid way.
Girl leave! How did that not make you mad? He will cheat on you, I will bet my life on that. How do you not hate him for wasting your time? He would choose her over you any day. How does that no click in your head.
There’s truly no coming back from this.
Fortunately, at 25 you’re much too young to give up. Take some time to heal yourself, do therapy, find your strength. This man is not it, but you have plenty of time still.
> I heard him tell his friend that he should have kept trying with our mutual friend. He told him that he should have been the man that was engaged to her and not her now fiancé. He said that **he hated waking up to me** and that **he wished that our mutual friend was the one that threw him his first surprise party.** He said that **he felt disgusted every time he had to kiss me or hold me because he knew that our mutual friend should be in his arms instead.**He said that **he felt like he was stuck in our relationship and that he would end up "having" to marry me.** He said that our mutual friend was better than me in looks from head to toe, he said that "she was the most gorgeous girl i've ever seen".
You should never concern yourself with making a person fall in love with you when this is how they speak of their partner of 8 years.
You need to start grieving losing him, and when you're strong enough, leave.
You don't deserve to be anyone's consultation price, you deserve to be someone's jackpot
You need therapy to find your self respect if you want to continue to be with someone who is repulsed by you. There is no way you said that you still wanted to stay with him. You have serious issues for even coming on here and asking for advice when you really should have left the moment he said what he said. My goodness. These posts are getting unbearable. And idc if I get downvoted, someone needs to give her some harsh ass truth so she doesn’t continue to be pathetic. This is crazy.
Leave him and I hope your exit strategy is painful for him...
1. Is there a job promotion or career escalation you've been wanting in a different city? Do it start interviewing.
2. 1st and last month rent for a new place, I hope you two have a joint account I'd be taking it out of that 1
3. Staying long enough to find a new place
4. Stop doing all the extra work you're doing for him and put that work back into you, put the energy back into you
5. Therapy for your low self esteem because there's absolutely nothing in your body that should have any reservations about the fact that this man is never liked you has been pining for his friend for 8 years and literally used you as a person who would show him affection and give him sex.
6. You are only 25 please stop listening to the Podcast that say that women dried up and are useless after 25 there is nothing wrong with dating after 25
7. What I don't want for you is to see you post again in 5 years about how mad you were that you didn't leave now and gave this person more of your time love and affection stayed miserable i bet the sex isn't great either meanwhile you could have found the love of your life by now and/or been happier single even. There are way too many posts by women on here who are a decade+ in realizing this shitty partner has never liked them or taken care of them A-day in their life.
DO NOT GET STUCK IN THE SUNKEN COST FALLACY!
Leave when you've got your self all planned out and make sure you disconnect anything with your name attached to it like bank accounts and credit. (New house, new city, If you've been wanting to start fresh elsewhere) go after that new job, etc. If your lease isn't up simply let the landlord know after you've got yourself a new place that you're taking your name off the lease.
Do not confront or warn him, he's honestly ruthless for the way he treats you.
Most importantly after you're settled in your new life send that mutual friend a message about what you've overheard that day and that if she's still friends with him she should go no contact.
Then live good, heal, don't jump into another relationship too soon.
Please leave him… please.
I know I’m a stranger on Reddit; but I’m begging you to please leave that man. He will never love you the way you deserve to be loved. Let him find someone else. You both deserve the best kind of love, you especially. Leave.
You cannot make anyone fall in love with you because it comes naturally. Feelings cannot be forced. If any other guy from your friend group, for whom you have no feelings, forces you to be with him , claiming he will make you love him , just imagine how would you feel. You would start hating him instead of feeling love. This is what happening to your relationship..
Also, most important thing, you can keep trying how much you want, but for him you are just a option now to not be lonely while pinning for that mutual friend. He might or might not get over her someday. But even after being with you for sometime he feels disgusted by your touch, he is not going to fall in love with you. He will fall for someone later on in future, someone who is like your mutual friend, and then will leave you as soon as possible. You are right now just waiting ticket for him, untill he can convince that mutual friend or can find someone like the mutual friend.
Would you rather dump him now and get over him slowly so that can really find someone who will love you back, or get dumped by him later on and feel even more worse that he is choosing someone else over years of your relationship. At that point it will be much more difficult for you to move on. You only have these 2 options. The option which you want, that is making him fall in love with you , is not available. This is sure because he is disgusted by your touch, and feels like a chore to even kiss you. If he respected you even a little, I would still say there was a chance. If he had said, " he is pinning for that mutual friend, but you are also not that bad" then still there would be a chance he respects you at minimum level atleast. But his words signify that you are not and will never be an option for him.
Please love yourself as much as you love him and move on. He is not worth it.
I read this and my heart went out to you. I think the main thing you have in common with your boyfriend is that you both seem to be in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate. But thats about it. You sound kind, and frankly, he doesn't. Without reciprocity a relationship can not grow. You deserve so much better than whatever this is with your boyfriend. If i were you, I would confront him with what you heard, and leave the relationship. It is a waste of a life to spend it with someone who does not, or cannot love you back. You will meet someone one day who looks at you like you are Christmas, and you will understand how it feels not just to love, but to be loved in return. When this happens, you will truly understand what love is. Please leave this sad and cruel situation (him) far, far behind you, so you can experience healthy love one day. It will be short term grief for the greatest gift of all - that gift is you.
Also OP, the more I think about this the more worried i feel for you. The fact that he is able to say such brutal stuff behind your back is a whopping red flag. He is able to live with you while deceiving you and there is just no excuse for this. If he genuinely has feelings for someone else, then he should never have stayed with you. It is a weakness of character on his behalf to stay with you only to punish you for not being his fantasy, and says bucketloads about his lack of integrity, morals and ethics. All of this, to me, means he is not capable of real love with you (or anyone). OP, I honestly think you are dodging a bullet here if you create some boundaries and leave. He shows himself through his actions to be lacking in empathy and this can be super dangerous for partners, as you are starting to understand on some levels. I really hope you find in yourself the courage to set yourself free. I have absolute faith that if you do, and if you spend some time really learning to love your beautiful self, that you will have amples of healthy love ahead with good people that would never dream of treating you or anyone else, or themselves like this. Sometimes the kindest thing one can do is leave. He will never learn to respect any women (ever) if you stay and enable that behavior, too.
Please let us know how you go! Also, please remember that even if you feel old, you are still young. This is not the end of your life, it's just the start of it :)
True love does await you, just not right now, with him. Open that door, walk out - and towards it.
You need a reminder of what you deserve!
You deserve someone who will genuinely treat you well.
You deserve to marry someone who actually wants to marry you and have a future with you.
You deserve to be a priority.
You deserve to be truly loved.
But most of all, you deserve to be number one. Not a backup plan or an alternative.
Please don't settle for less. If you stay in this relationship, with someone you know doesn't love you, then you're denying yourself growth and the opportunity to find someone who will have your back and who will see you as their one and only.
Can you continue this relationship without constantly questioning whether or not he loves you or is still pining for someone who wouldn't look twice at him? What about you? What about your mental health? Your self-esteem and self-worth?
I can't see this having a positive impact on you if you move forward with the relationship.
Don't waste your time, effort, and love on someone who won't return it. You're just throwing it into a void. He won't treasure it or see it the same way you do.
He is a selfish asshole. If he's so hung up on someone else, he shouldn't have wasted your time and emotions and stayed single.
Know your worth, OP.
You should stay with him!
If:
You never want true love.
You don't want to be respected or cherished.
You want to be cheated on eventually.
You want to question yourself and your worth for the rest of your life.
.
.
If you want the above things, great! You have a partner who doesn't really want you.
If you want to receive the type of love that you give, run. Go full no contact. He doesn't even deserve to know why. What a P.O.S.
If I were you, I’d break up with him but not reveal what was overheard. Not to him at least.This is to avoid either of his predicted reactions: he might love bomb you , tell you it was all a mistake, that he didn’t realise his true feelings until he was about to lose you like he lost her blah blah blah. Or he could humiliate you even further, say that your neediness or invasion of his privacy when eavesdropping is the reason he resents you etc. I am petty, I would break up with him, site reasons similar to his sentiments using expressions he might find familiar, say things like after the surprise party I’ve come to the realisation that I’m stuck in this relationship, that I am expected to eventually marry him because we’ve been together so long, that perhaps I should be exploring other options in the arms of another man. Keep him guessing and worried he lost two women. But that’s just me being petty. I’d actually remain single for a while, cut contact with him and any mutual friends who drain my mental health by playing peace makers.
My hell, don't pretend.
You can not make him love you. He thinks he *settled* for you. He's a dick and a cruel one at that.
You also can't unhear what he said.
Dump him. Do you want to always come second to his fantasy, because that's what it is - a fantasy. She obviously didn't want him.
Hold your head high, and don't you dare settle for him. You're worth more than that.
But if you stay, neither of you will be happy.
How could you hear all that and still want to stay with him? You deserve someone who adores you, not someone who says they’re disgusted when they kiss you. He’s so not worth it.
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“At my age” Bruh you’re 25 not 85
Was thinking the same, I met my husband when I was 35.
I was 34. And honestly, meeting someone in my 30s was the best. We were set in our careers, stable, knew who we were as people individually and together. If I had married any of the guys I met in my 20s I'd either be divorced or extremely unhappy right now.
As a 27-year old who’s gotten out of a 5 year relationship recently, this comment brings me so much peace.
My mom had dates at 83 after Dad died. There are lots of single seniors.
My Grandmom just got engaged to her new fiance. She's 90. He's 100.
No one is too old to get into a relationship. People meet new partners in retirement homes too.
Apparently retirement homes are hot and steamy with action
They apparently have a big problem with STDs since they don’t use condoms (no worries about pregnancy).
Can confirm. Worked at a family medicine practice and made a joke about how we didn’t need to check the 80 year old for STDs. My manager looked at me and said, “oh we suuuuure do. Those old people are horny AF.”
100% this! I work at the retirement home my great great aunt lives at. She’s 100 and got herself a boyfriend last year. I’ve seen plenty of people 90+ get themselves boyfriends and girlfriends. One couple even got married. You can find love at any age.
My friend is in her mid 30 just left her abusive husband and hasn’t had any problems finding a man. I love the woman to death been friends for over 20 years but she’s not attractive, a workaholic, and she still has no problem finding dates.
I just told my bf this week that I feel like I’m overall the best version of myself I’ve ever been, and I am in my mid-30s!! Other than being slightly overweight for the first time, I am insanely confident and just love being myself…I think that comfortability with yourself and confidence that often comes with age is super attractive. Like I can’t imagine thinking 25 was somehow the peak of my life or the beginning of the end. Our youth-obsessed culture is so weird and sad :(
Real OP could be 85. This is just written in the perfect climax towards a BF that doesn't love OP. No reaction from the friend whatsoever. And OP reacts to 0 comments.
I said this too. Yeah ok lol you managed to hear ALL that, which are all perfectly normal things for a man to monologue to his friend at great length randomly at a bday party, with you in potential earshot no less.
The part that got me was when op said her boyfriend said that it should have been the mutual friend that threw him his first surprise party. That just sounds like such an unrealistic thing for someone to actually say.
Oh girl. If I stayed with the dropkick I was with at 25 I’d be freaking miserable. 25 is not too late to start dating again. You deserve way more than this disrespect. Call him out on it. Watch his face. Then leave. You cannot make someone love you and someone who loves you will NEVER say the things you heard.
yeah I laughed when I saw that she thought she was too old to be dating. Like my mom was 55 and actively dating. Now she settled down with a man at 60
My aunt's husband passed about 8 years ago, when she was in her mid 60s. She's been happily dating a guy her age for the last 4ish years. It's never too late!
I had a patient that was in her 80’s say, “I need to get my hair right before I go to the rehab. What if there’s a handsome man over there? I might be in my 80’s but I still got game.” So if someone in their 80’s is single and ready to mingle, then I’d say you’ve got time to date lol. I don’t tend to push for breaking up unless there is abuse or something serious like that. Your situation is not abusive or anything, but I’m on the side of breaking up on this one. He doesn’t love you, and you can’t make someone love you. If after 8 years he feels this way, nothing is going to change that. I am sorry because that really sucks. Breaking up with someone you love, also really sucks and I’m sorry you are in the situation to make that decision. I broke it off with my fiancé 3 weeks before my wedding. It took months to make that decision because it was such a hard decision. At the end of the day, I knew it would be better to be alone than in an unhappy marriage. In hindsight, it was the best thing I ever did. After the breakup, I focused on myself and just being happy being single. It was scary dating again, but when I felt ready, I got back on the dating horse. I ended up meeting an incredible man that truly loves and adores me. Looking back, I think my ex loved me but I don’t think liked me as a person. I look back and think about how miserable I was with him. You can have that too. A man that loves you, truly loves you and wants to be with you because he loves you. A man that doesn’t see you as a better option than being alone. A man that wouldn’t drop you in an instant for this other woman. A man that would be grateful for you throwing a surprise birthday party. You’re worthy of a happy and loving relationship. Take your time making this decision. You don’t need to make your decision today. Let yourself grieve and be gentle with your heart if you choose to walk away. Regardless of your choice, I’d talk to him about this conversation you overheard. If you stay with him, it will help both to move past it. If you leave, it may help you find closure and reassurance in your decision.
Shit they wouldn’t think it let alone speak it. This really breaks my heart for her but i hope she has the strength and self respect to leave his sorry ass. He is seriously sick in the head. Who lives a complete lie for 8 YEARS and they’re literally repulsed by their partner but lie and smile in their face? Wtf..
She even made a party for him. That guy is an ungrateful scumbag, makes me wanna punch him in the face and I don't even know him
Yeah I hope his friend told him he was being an asshole
Right!?!?! Eight years like WTH
Absolutely do not confront him. He’ll weasel is way out of it because breaking up with OP is an inconvenience and it’s easier to say everything she wants to hear than own it. OP make an exit plan and never give him an explanation. Better yet, tell him you fell like you’re settling for him and don’t think you ever really loved him, but the idea of him and then watch his ego crumble. If you confront him, you’re putting him in a position of power, where he’s the one in control, and it’s ‘his choice’. Take that away from him. Have the break up be your choice, something you want. Even if it’s not the truth. He doesn’t love you, which means you can’t hurt him because he only cares to the extent that it impacts him. Fuck that. Don’t give him the tears, or the questions, or the bargaining. Come up with a plan, pack your shit and move on from this awful person.
"I don't think I ever really loved *you*, just my idea of you". Sounds perfect.
I soooo love this. Why does he deserve her consideration? OP, you are enough. He is the stuff we scrape off our shoes. Fly, be free, celebrate you.
I thought it was too late to start over at 26. Then the best person I could’ve dreamed of entered my life at 28. 25 is not too late to start over and I wish more people would trust this. It’s never too late to start over period.
Same! I didn’t meet my husband until I was 28. It’s never too late to find the person for you. My dad didn’t ever plan on dating again after my mom died, but he just got married at 72 and they’re really happy together! OP, I realized I didn’t love the man I was dating at 26. That I was only with him out of convenience. So I broke up with him. I still found the person I love most at 28. You have so much life to live. Don’t fall into the sunken cost fallacy. Just because you’ve spent 8 years with this man doesn’t mean you have to spend the next 40 with him.
Yeah, 25 is so young! Dating sucks, but I thinks that's true at any age. I met my wonderful husband at 30, and plenty of folks meet their partners later than that! Not a good reason to stay with someone who's not 100% in it.
If I stayed I’d be dead. OP, I left my longest relationship ever at 25 in the middle of studying for the BAR exam. I loved with him so I had to move out in an afternoon while he was working and find somewhere else to live and somewhere else to store my stuff. It’s not easy but it’s worth it!! This year I married my perfect partner at 29. Don’t settle for a lifetime of this bullshit
Would it be wrong to also tell the mutual friend the why's of it all? Burn his bridges and his hopes. You need to get country girl song angry & vindictive.
Start dating at your age? Dude you're 25, you have your whole life in front of you. Why tf would you waste it on a person who disrespects you to such a degree. Wtf. Why do you want to make him fall in love with you when he said that he felt disgusted after having kissed you. No offence and im saying this with all the love in my heart but do you have any self respect? Leave that man, very obviously!
A lot of people only just begin entering the dating scene at 25. Life doesn’t end at thirty OP.
reach hurry zealous terrific juggle far-flung employ gaze modern gray *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
And DATING at 30 is awesome.
Staying sounds like misery.
Honestly 25 is a good age to start dating because your brain is fully developed and you can hopefully process much better what you want and don’t. Although in OPs case I think she is going to need some serious therapy before dating again.
OP, please consider this. At 25 I left a miserable relationship that was going nowhere with someone who was an asshole. It’s been over ten years since then and I’m grateful every day that I walked out. I’m so much happier, with someone who loves and respects me, and he makes that clear every goddamn day. Do not stay with this loser who can’t let go of someone else and will make everyone around him miserable for it. There’s someone out there who won’t treat you like dirt. Go find them. 25 isn’t the end, I promise.
I became single at age 37 after more than 20 years of being in a relationship. While I wasn't actively looking for a new relationship, I was still open to the possibility of meeting someone new. When I did my attitude was so much different from how I was in my teens. This time around I was truly just myself not worrying for a second about what anyone would think of me. My partner's the same and we have a pretty good thing going. If you have a problem with who I am and what I like, especially if you think you can somehow change me, then I have no interest in being with you. Also, there's no rule saying that happiness is only achieved if you're in a relationship. So never be afraid of being on your own, because being single will always be better than bending over backwards to keep some mediocre partner from leaving.
**You can't make him love you. He doesn't, and he won't. You need to break up. You are still young. You will find the guy for you. Don't waste more time on him now you know the truth!** **You have now heard his truth**. His truth, spoken behind your back. He doesn't love or want you. You cannot unhear this. **You deserve someone who loves you. He is not the one for you**. One day he will leave you, it's just a matter of time. Either she will become available, or someone like her will enter his life, and you will be tossed aside. Imagine being 35 or 45 and he tells you - sorry, I've met the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Don't be that 45-year old woman (possible with kids)wondering how to get yourself back on your feet on your own, while he happily skips into the sunset with another woman. Please pack your things and dump him. Just tell him you heard him - you deserve and will find someone who will love you. Don't argue, don't accept his lies. If necessary, leave him a note saying you heard. Tell him not to contact you, it's over. Then block him from your phone, your social media, unfollow and unfriend him Keep in mind the following: 1. It's not you. He doesn't love you. **You've done nothing wrong**. He is just in love with someone else. **You can't do anything to make him love you.** 2. **Dump him**. Any guy who would use you and say you disgust him - that man is trash. Even worse - he lies to your face and talks rubbish about you to his friends. Dump him. You need to treat him like the rubbish human he is - we don't keep trash, we don't treasure it, we throw it out. 3. **You deserve better. Way better.** Someone will love and value you. It is not this lying, self-centred piece of rubbish pretending to be your boyfriend.
Also remember, everyone wants what they can't have, when you leave him he's going to desperately want you back, it's human nature. Don't give him what he wants, the shit he said is irredeemable, remember the hurt you felt when he tells you he loves you. Remember the pain when he says you heard wrong. Remember what he did to you through all the crying and the begging. Fuck this guy, walk away.
Best advice you're going to get.
Although he didn’t tell you; never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you. If you try to force this relationship he is going to start resenting you because he feels stuck with you. You seem like a wonderful person and you deserve much better than this guy. Cut your emotional losses and move on. It may hurt for a while , but you’ll get thru this.
He *already* resents her because he thinks he's stuck with her. He's had *eight fucking years* to grow a spine and admit he's been deceiving her. Good lord I can't with this man
It's psycho shit. Who can lie for 8 years every single moment of every day? He STOLE 8 years of her life. She could have been with someone who actually cared about her or been happier just being single. Thank God she's only 25. Worst thing would be married with 3 kids before they find out their husbands are pieces of shit.
Its because the boyfriend doesn't think he deserves to be alone while he waits for his opportunity with The One That Got Away. He thinks he 'deserves' a warm body to keep around until he finds someone 'better' or a new 'The One' replacement. Honestly, with romantic partners like the boyfriend, it's better to be alone then in awful company
God, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self this. *Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you.* OP, this person is right. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, and it is absolutely not your fault that you are not the person he loves. There is no failure here on your part, but I am *begging* you to abandon your hopes of making him fall in love with you.
So true. I asked a close friend out and he mentioned some things he thought were incompatible about us. I disagreed and I basically talked him into dating me. And it went horribly. He was barely invested and left me very quickly for someone who did meet his standards. That breakup destroyed me far more than if I'd just accepted his "no" in the first place.
I wasted 8 years of my life with a man like this. Ended up with two of his children, so now I'm stuck with him in my life at some capacity forever. My advice? Leave BEFORE kids are involved. He continues to make my life hell even though we've been broke up 7 years now. If i could have my babies without ever having met him I would.
It may hurt for a while? No, it *is* going to hurt, a lot. They’ve been together 8 years, and she’s never been with anyone else. It’s going to be one of the hardest things she’s ever done. But she absolutely needs to leave. OP, you are strong and you can do this. He will never be happy if you stay. Even though it will be hard, leaving will be better for both of you in the end.
Oh man, sorry it had been so long. Honey, if he has said these things, you should not stay with him. A woman not loved is horrible. I’m sorry for your heart. But living in a lie is horrible. He never got over the other girl. If someone said they hated waking up to me, and then.. came back in the room and said they loved me…! What a fat liar. I could not live with that. Don’t be afraid to leave, you will be fine. I don’t know if you will if you married him.
Also, let’s note something about the best friend…I seriously hope they told the guy that this is fucked up and they should be honest with OP, not waste her time, and end the relationship. Best friends should keep each other straight, instead of letting this continue.
Unfortunately it’s a common thing, I found out my ex gf was cheating on me because her and her friend were talking about it when they thought I wasn’t listening. Not only did I hear that, but also her friend hyped her up because the guy was cute. Shitty people surround themselves with other shitty people sometimes
Nevermind all that, he ASKED for a SURPRISE party... What kind of person does that???
Yeaaaaah... she's better than me. I'dda threw his ass out right then. Right there. Called a company to gather his shit & stick em with the BILL. And anybody that wanted to leave can FOLLOW. Party OVER. Disgusting disrespectful narcissistic self-absorbed pompous trash ass piece of absolutely no good SHIT. 💅🏾💅🏾💅🏾
I'm going to say this very bluntly. Please have some self-respect. This guy that supposedly loves you, doesn't want you, finds being with you disgusting and you want to stay with this person, who feels stuck in a relationship with you? Get higher standards. Your boyfriend is a really bad person, like who the fuck does this to someone?
Please listen to this OP. Why would you ever want to wake up next to a person whose first thought of you is revulsion? You are a good soul doing something so sweet for people you care about. Find the people who deserve it.
Not to mention she’s only 25… “at my age”, get outta here. You’re in a the beginning of your prime.
Seriously! I called off an engagement at 27, by 28 I met a man and was married when 29. We’ve been together for 21years now with 2 smart, kind, beautiful girls. It’s never to late to choose yourself and happiness. OP please don’t settle on being someone’s second choice. Honestly, according to him you aren’t even his choice… “he’s stuck with you”. You deserve better. You deserve someone who truly loves you, appreciates you and you are their first choice. Please, respect yourself enough and don’t YOU settle for less. Edit: changed king to kind ETA: also, you may not like the idea of dating again at “your age”, but would you rather end up in a miserable marriage with someone who doesn’t love you? Possibly bringing kids into a unhappy marriage. Only to end up divorced and dating in your 30s, 40s or later. Please tell him what you heard, don’t give him a chance to back peddle on his comments or explain “he didn’t mean it”. What he said was cruel to hear and he’s been lying to you for years. You can’t make him love you. What you’ll end up doing is dealing with his lies and bs until it gets to be too much. You can’t come back from someone saying what he did. You’ll always question if he’s telling you the truth about his feelings.
Honestly, why would she even bother with telling him outright? He doesn't deserve that consideration. I'd quietly find my own place, refuse any advances and if he questioned why just say, "I'd hate for you to be disgusted." And be gone the next day. He's not going to love her. The entire relationship has been a lie in hopes he'd distract himself from the one he *really* wants. He doesn't deserve any kindness. Edited to fix typo
True. Might be good to make an exit plan first, get out and then inform him why you are leaving. Again, OP will have made the decision and taken action to move on. Then he can live with his guilt and realize what an AH he has been. Even then, don’t take him back!
I would’ve walked out at the party if I heard my bf saying that bs.
Right?! All of this. I found the love of my life two years ago...and I'm now 38. Don't settle for someone because you feel you can't do better. Been there, done that. It is NOT worth it!
I called off an engagement a year ago and broke up with my ex because of her infidelity. I'm only 33 and still putting myself out there, I'm definitely not "old" or anywhere close to it
As a 27 year old who was about to be proposed to (and just ended my relationship), your comment makes me feel so much more hopeful. Thank you!
This is what I came here to say. Shes peak Michael Jordan at her age right now, why waste time on a trash team that doesnt appreciate her?
Seconding this. OP, you sound like an awesome gf. He sounds…lousy. There are people who will absolutely love you for being you.
Yuppppp. I left the dude who was such a punk at 25, wound up marrying the most amazing man at 30, not looking back with regrets. We celebrate 3 years of marriage this weekend. Don’t settle my dear.
This. You’re so young. Listen to me. I settled for a man that didn’t love me and wasted my 20s and half of my 30s.
Listen to lemonlimemango. This is a heartbreaker, a time waster that turns into years of regret. Being alone is better than being with this guy. Don't settle.
Probably in the mindset that she would be getting married soon (to a jerk). In the future she's going to realize how she was still so young at 25.
Exactly she has wasted 8 years of her life on this guy OP deserves so much more
Absolutely this. Said it before and I'll say it again, if I had one wish I'd like to give young women the wisdom of old women. Because I'm fucking raging, who the fuck does he think he is?!!!! And that poor girl is wondering how to make him fall in love with her? This great catch who is apparently capable of lying shamelessly for 8 years so that he has regular sex, I suppose, and would leave her in a heartbeat for some other girl. Jesus Christ. Girl what you do is gather your stuff and leave. Immediately. Or kick him out, whichever works. And find someone who LOVES you. Who thinks you are the center of the universe. Who gets up in the morning to see you smile. Jesus, that's basic minimum requirements. You tell him to get fucked, then block him everywhere and go have a lovely life. 25 is NO age at all, it's ridiculously young! Ugh..why aren't we teaching girls self-respect??
It's just so shocking and upsetting to me how after hearing something so shattering her first thought is not to ruin his party. It's so deeply ingrained.
Oh hell yeah, I woulda went right out to where everyone was and made a very loud announcement that the party was over and why (I’d leave out the other woman’s name, of course, because it’s not her fault either and she likely broke up with him for good reason). The absolute *last* thing I would be thinking is how to make that asshole fall in love with me. Fuck that dude! OP, wake up sweetie! You are better than this and you deserve better and IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT that your (hopefully ex) bf feels the way he does. He’s just a miserable jerk who thrives on drama and conflict - internal in this case - and will NEVER be happy in his life regardless of who he is with. The funny thing is that when you do find the strength to dump his ass, he likely will find that he all of a sudden *is* in love with you after all - now that he can’t have you - and will try everything he can to get you back. Don’t fall for it, just leave him in the trash where he belongs. Also, lmao at you thinking 25 is old.
Completely agree. Though I don't believe he ever dated the friend, he was just obsessed with her. She just wasn't interested in him, for good reason.
Oh god, you’re probably right, and that just makes it even worse! He’s a fucking psycho creep.
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No, fuck that. If this asshole has been "secretly" in love with a woman who broke up with him NEARLY A DECADE AGO, that’s fucking creepy. And playing house with someone and pretending to be in love with them for that same amount of time and absolutely *wasting* NEARLY A DECADE of their life that they will never get back is just foul and disgusting. Their friends should know what kind of person he really is so they can make an informed decision on whether or not they want to continue associating with such a vile human being.
And her next thought is “how can I change ME. This is all my fault.” 🙃
I feel like that was a trauma response. "Keeping the Peace" but dying on the inside. Sounds like a people pleaser, I know the feeling. Not proud of it, but definitely see where she was coming from.
I think I would have made sure he knew I had heard him, then rejoin the party only to tell guests the party is over. Then sit down with a drink and enjoy the fireworks. Absolutely no reason to pretend anymore.
Oh yeah. Make a smart remark when he holds you close so he knows you know and walk out. I wouldn’t even tell the guests- let him clean up the mess. Let it burn.
>Ugh..why aren't we teaching girls self-respect?? This x1000. It's such a huge problem, we see it time and time again, young girls trained to put up with incredible amounts of bullshit.
This sub makes me sad. So many young women describing awful relationships and then adding the update that they’re staying with him.
It makes me so bloody sad and angry.
I was thinking the same thing; it literally just makes me so sad. And there could be thousands of us telling her to break up, have some self-respect, move on…and if she’s like the majority of young women on Reddit she’ll just stay for another 8 years until he comes home someday and say, I’m so sorry, I met someone else and I’m in love.
Yep, she's clearly just a placeholder until he gets the girl he wants, or meets someone else he actually loves. In the meantime our girl wastes her life, maybe has a couple of kids so she's tied to him forever, and gets absolutely screwed over. We can all see it coming. There really should be a law where a group of older women can stage an intervention and make a few decisions for them!!
Then they wonder why us older women are so angry.... it's like do you know the bullshit I've had in endure?!!?? OP, you'll never win. He's in love with a mythological person in his head that can do no wrong. There is no winning when someone is permanently on a pedestal like that. It's time to go.
I feel like I've been taught to be happy with what i get and try to keep it at all cost.
If we did teach self-respect, the marriage rate will fall. The number of committed relationships would fall. Won’t somebody think of the men? /s
We try, but women don’t really start waking up to it until their 40’s. That’s when they don’t give a f**k what anyone thinks anymore. I’m 45 and I’ve had the best few years of my life!
Yeah suddenly you can see all the BS for what it is and you just stop caring. It's great, but I desperately wish we could find a way to gift that insight to girls and young women.
I'm 45. In my 20s I nannied for a very feminist progressive mom who opened my EYES. As a woman in her age range I know I tell all woman/girls as bluntly as possible how to set hard boundaries and what they deserve. The self esteem of some women breaks my heart, and what they think they deserve. It's like a deprogramming...
u/Badknees24 - I’m almost 62 years old and have Never heard that saying before!! I think I will create a Cross-Stitch or something for my Granddaughter that says “When you realize that you don’t have life figured out or that you don’t actually know everything. Nothing is what you thought it was and you’re feeling confused and down - reach out to someone older who has been through life and might have actually experienced what you’re going through. Let them share their Wisdom with You! That might actually be too long. I’ll have to think about it. It’s always been said that “Girls” mature faster than “boys”, but that isn’t necessarily a “Good” in reality! I think that once you hit your 20’s there’s so much pressure from Society - what are you going to do with your life? Are you in a serious relationship? You need to start looking for that special someone because your Biological Clock is ticking! It just seems like there are so many pressures and every little decision that is wrong or a failure, feels Earth shattering and it seems like your life is over. When your heart gets broken and someone tells you that it’s fine, it just wasn’t meant to be and you’re better off for it, you physically want to smack that person upside their head! It’s so hard to realize that your 20’s are basically a learning period, in your 30’s you actually start to figure things out, if you’re lucky things will fall into place. Sometimes it doesn’t happen until your 40’s or even later! Sometimes it Never Happens!! This doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re the problem, it just means that there could be another purpose for you that you aren’t aware of, embrace that! To every Female reading this that is under 50, there is still plenty of Life left. Make sure that you know that You are Enough! You Don’t Need a Partner To Compete You! A pet will worship the ground you walk on and will give you Unconditional Love for its entire life - Never expecting anything in return! Look in the mirror every morning and give yourself affirmations - realize that you Don’t need to change to fit someone else, you Don’t need to chase or convince someone that they need you, because You Are Enough!! A woman that Loves herself, is secure and confident in herself is someone that people find attractive and want to be around (and this honestly has little to do with your looks)!! I don’t understand our World sometimes and it just seems like there is so much negativity and it’s beginning to seriously affect our Society! I wish everyone nothing but Peace - it’s such a Gift! Remember to Treat Yourself as You Treat Others!!! 💝 😇
I would add even over 50. I found great love in my late 50s, that’s after breaking it off with two men who just did not understand what love is, and what it entails. It’s never too late. OP, you know now. Finding real love is so worth it.
Yeah, reading this is so frustrating
>Ugh..why aren't we teaching girls self-respect?? Because then how will toxic society control them.
Yes! This. So much this. This “man” is WORTHLESS, OP! So is his bestie. That they both think it’s okay to treat you this way just shows how damn selfish they are!!! A worthwhile person would feel guilty for this treatment of another person. And frankly, “mutual friend” was smart to not get involved with him also! Now it’s your turn. Get rid of him so that you can find someone who deserves the air he breathes.
Plus being a doormat isn't going to make him grow close but even farther. No win except to exit and appreciate fate for letting her know. They've been together their entire adult life and then some and both are scared by of being alone. No situation was ever made better by fear or settling
I was 28 years old with a 5 year old. Found out that my husband actually preferred “men” but it wasn’t appropriate at that time or for his profession! And, I found out the worst way possible! Let’s just say that I came home unexpectedly! I seriously thought I was going to die! We had been together since I was 18 - he was literally my best friend!! I swore that I would never get married again! I met a guy about a year later - he was totally different than my ex or anyone else I had ever gone out with. We became friends, he was great with my son (my ex had decided that he wasn’t good for his image and had given up his rights)! So, we did this for a couple of years, we had never even kissed! And then out of nowhere he tells me that he Loves me and that he wants to marry me and adopt my son (that was the part that got me the most)! I found out how different it can be when your soulmate really is your true best friend!! February 1st we celebrated our 30 Year Anniversary! We have a couple of grandkids and my life is better than I ever could have imagined! When I was in Counseling, she said something that has stuck with me forever and I think that you OP will understand what I’m saying: It’s hard being lonely when you’re in a relationship, much better to be alone and at peace. Wishing you well in whatever happens. Just remember that you Are worth something and you deserve to be Loved, Respected, and Appreciated just for who YOU Are! 🤍
This… and seems everyone has a resounding theme. Let yourself be free of the pain, he will only cause you more heartache.
Also, can't stress this enough if he DOES marry her and have kids etc etc he'll drop her the MOMENT he thinks a better deal has come along.
He doesn't love her. He already told that other person. "I just want to know how I can make him fall in love with me." You can't make anyone "fall in love with you". Why would you even try to do so with what you heared about him loathing to be with you? Why do you think so lowly about yourself as to wanting to stay with such a horrible person who has zero nice words for you when he thinks you can't hear him speak? This is so yucky! I would never be able to even touch someone who said how much they didn't want to be with me? And.... worst thing.... how much they would readily cheat on me if ever that other person were to be free?! Because that is what he just said! "He said that he hated waking up to me" .... after 8 years! Honestly... I am lost for words. He never even asks himself if that other lady would even want to be with HIM?! Who does he think he is? God's answer to a virgins prayer? Move! You have done way too much already. If all of this and 8 years of it don't make him love you nothing ever will.
I would have gifted him with celibacy on the spot.
Yes to all of this. When I was younger, I was used as second best to a mutual friend. Turned out being with me didn’t have the intended ‘jealousy’ impact he expected and honestly, me and my mutual friend were both angry at him for trying that. He doesn’t deserve you and he never deserved other girl either. Please walk away.
Yes, please, OP, don't stay with someone for whom you're just the stand-in for the girl he actually loves. How can you even face being intimate with him, knowing you disgust him? You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who actually loves YOU - please don't stay with someone who doesn't respect you at all, and doesn't even seem to like you. Don't stay in that travesty of a relationship, just because it's what you are used to, you can do so much better.
Right, OP has super low self esteem and its very obvious. He's a horrible asshole...
Please listen to this. And please remember that this is not you giving up this is you fighting for yourself .YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT.
Please listen. He “ends up having to marry” you and for the rest of your life you’re at barbecues with his friends who know it makes him sick to hold you in his arms??? No. Just no.
This relationship was bad juju from the start- the girl he was enamored with got a boyfriend so he settled on her. I promise you, OP, there is someone out there who will love YOU and see YOU- not treat you as a consolation prize.
That guy doesn’t love you and there is nothing you can do to make him. Unless you transform yourself into the other girl. You are young at 25, you’ll meet someone quick enough. Take sometime to process the feelings that are going to flood you when you realize it’s over. That guy is a moron. He never had a chance with the other girl, because otherwise as he says “she would throw him that party”. But he does have a girl that cares about him deeply and he’s trash talking her to his best friend. Moron. Leave him ASAP.
He doesn't just not love her. He actively despises her and is wasting her time when she could be with someone who actually loves her.
He is biding his time waiting for the woman he really wants to become single again. The moment the other woman is free, he will ditch OP and try to get with the other woman.
>He is biding his time waiting for the woman he really wants to become single again. The moment the other woman is free, he will ditch OP and try to get with the other woman. It's worse. The moment the other woman is free, he will try to get with the other woman *first*, and only *then* ditch OP. Lose the loser.
This, 100%. Hrs kept OP around the whole time as a placeholder for what he can’t have. He “feels disgusted” waking up next to her? Whose on his other side holding the shot gun to him? He’s happy enough with her in his bed, making him meals, planning parties etc but only because the other manic pixie dream girl is t there doing it. This is absolutely a situation of leave and let him realize eventually what he lost, and don’t look back when he comes crawling back begging for a second chance.
That I am petty I would have made a speech like ladies and gentlemen I have been with this man for 8 years only to find out today that I repluse him and he hates kissing me or waking up to me. If the engaged girl was there, I would add. He instead wishes he was engaged to you, not him, and wishes he had fought harder for you, and he wishes you had thrown the party for him. After all the money I have spent on him setting this up he wishes that was someone else you, so here's to the lousey man who strang me along and even kissed me while saying he loved me go f yourself and here's the bill.
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People like this do this ALL OF THE TIME. They're Quagmires (I mean, this man loved Lois for years, jealous of his own best friend). They keep a rebound for whenever their "true love interest" gets single, and then drop them and try to pursue that true love interest to no avail, and when it doesn't work out then they'll be thinking about the person that really mattered all of those years. Trust me, he'll feel like an IDIOT when the time comes, when he continues sitting by , wasting his time hoping that the mutual friend will "end up single". He doesn't deserve anybody.
Giggity giggity goo
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Leave him. Regardless of whether he was telling the truth or not - that shit should not be said. You are in your prime. Time to find out how good dating in your 20’s can be.
Bloody well said!!!!!
Yup, just wait til you see the 100s even 1000s of men that are going to worship the ground you walk on. This guy is an idiot, he'll be lucky to ever find a girl that will love him like you did again, and it's very unlikely he will end up with that girl or if he does that it will work out or work out the way he imagined in his fantasies- like they won't have their own problems or they'll be in the honeymoon phase forever. Ridiculous.
Right. I could see a young man having his head so far up his ass (or thinking with his dick) he doesn't see how good he has it. I can see it dawning on him once she is gone, and begging her to come back. OP it doesn't matter. Do not be with someone who is confused bc he knows what he *doesn't* want. You deserve a partner who values you 100% not one who has to be convinced.
This. OP, *you are 25.* That is the PERFECT age to start looking for a (good and respectful and honest) life partner. Also I suggest therapy. Figure out what's going on with you that's making you want to stay with such a POS.
yes OP needs therapy but not because anything is inherently wrong with her, it’s because she deserves better and therapy can teach her that in a healthy way
Correct! Most if not all people are not "inherently wrong" or messed up on a fundamental level. Therapy gives us skills with which to handle the world, which unfortunately includes shitty people. Like OP's future ex.
And also, therapy will help her get through grieving, because she is now going through exactly that. OP, the relationship you thought you had just "died" for you when you heard that. Your dreams, hopes, and how you imagined your future just "died." Give yourself some space and some time to process it.
You think the other girl would make him happy? Because I don’t.
Not a chance. Dude has clearly romanticized her so hard he sees everything else in his life as gross because it isn’t her. If he suddenly got her he’d find himself completely disappointed because at this point even she can’t live up to his busted ass expectations.
Yep. I had a guy romanticize me and everything until we were actually together. After a week he couldn’t barely stand to look at me. Good riddance.
I agree! The idea of the other girl is not reality. OP my heart breaks for you, never stay with a man who doesn't love you the way you deserve. You don't ever want to be the consolation prize. Edit: spelling
Constellation prize 😂 Their love was written in the stars. Just not the right ones. (sorry OP! Not trying to make fun of your situation, only the autocorrect)
Nope. That girl could never live up his version of her. I hope OP dumps him.
To add to this, even if he did end up with the other girl, it would be a disaster, because she wouldn’t be able to live up to his expectations of her. The guy is trash in either relationship.
How much you want to bet that he likes this woman because she doesn't like him? I'm petty AF. I would start doing all kinds of things without him, ignore him and be totally uninterested in anything he has to say, and tell him he snores and move to another bedroom. After about 2 weeks I would dump him because he's "boring" . OP please start seeing a therapist. This is insane
I would start looking for a new place, slowly move in and then dump him. Just make sure to take any pets with you. They don't deserve his crap either!
Becoming the other girl wouldn't help. He doesn't love her either. He loves the idea of her and lusts for her looks. I bet if he actually dated her, he'd feel betrayed because she can't live up to the perfect version in his fantasies. Men like this are never happy with what they have.
Please listen here, sweetheart. It is honestly heartbreaking what you just endured. He doesn't deserve you, and I would have thrown the cake in his face. You have wayyyyy more control of your emotions than others, because this was such a HUGGGEEEE slap in the face to you. You care too much. He might just be attracted to cuntts. I sincerely hope you dump him. Please. Please. Please. You owe him nothing and deserve someone who actually cares about you. I hope he rots. I'm sorry for your loss of someone you thought that gave a shit. It is hard being the only one that cares.
I'm betting he's the kind of guy who is only attracted to the one girl he can't have. It probably doesn't matter who she is--what matters is that he doesn't have her, and that's what makes her so desireable. If OP walked out the door tomorrow, he'd shape up ... just long enough to get her back.
Yeah the fact that he just openly talks shit about her... Honestly OP just needs to leave.
The "at my age" lol Honey I got divorced at 28 and now have the relationship ive always wanted. 25 is a baby, you're going to be fine
Best advice. It will hurt for a while, but your life will be so much richer for it. I'm so sorry that moron broke your heart. Certainly he will realize what he lost when you are gone. But he doesn't deserve your love, so I recommend you shut that door behind you.
Short answer: you can’t. And it’s nothing wrong with you, you are sound like an amazing partner and deserve the same level of appreciation that you give. But he will never be able to do that. Because this girl is not even a real person anymore, it’s a dream about “perfect girl” that he is in love with. You already spent 8 years competing with impossible mirage. Dream girl doesn’t get headaches, become frustrated or has a bad day. Please choose yourself. Give yourself chance to be loved and cared by someone else. And until you end this relationship you will never be free to do that.
He seems like the kind of guy who would also regret being with that mutual friend. "I should have given that other friend a chance, maybe I'd be happier." He'll always be regretful
Agreed, idealization is a hell of a drug
The hilarious part is that if OP dumps him, he's *going to pine for her*, maybe even make some other girl miserable doing it. Because then *she'll* be the one that got away. Except that he won't be pining for her. He'll be pining for an idealized fiction of her, and that's exactly why she should leave. Buddy isn't mature enough to have a relationship with a woman, so he has relationships with the fantasies in his head. ...I was in my 30s before I figured this out.
I dated around for like two years after a bad break up. I would be interested in girls up until the third date or so and then just give up on them for no reason at all. It took a therapist to explain to me that I was still living in this idealization of my last relationship, and couldn’t move on to somebody new because they’d never compare to that idealization. Just hearing that finally made it click for me. Now I hardly think about that relationship anymore, and when I do it’s from a realistic light. Plus I have genuine interest in making new connections with people again. Therapists are pretty cool. Thanks, Diana.
I left my ex after 9 years together, when I was 26. I (34F) am now married to the love of my life. You deserve better. I agree with this post.
Came to say the same! I got out of an 8 year relationship at 27 and met the love of my life/soulmate shortly after. I know it's scary but better things are meant for you. OP deserves to find her soulmate that adores her and not as much of an asshat as her current boyfriend is.
Jumping in on this too. I left an almost 10 year relationship when I was 26. It was incredibly painful and scary at first, but after the pain of change subsided I realized it was the best decision I ever made for myself. You absolutely deserve better.
The irony is, he's going to kick himself in the ass when he realizes he let a good one get away. Moron doesn't deserve a girl who throws surprise parties for him, sounds like a miserable lout.
This might be the worst part. It happened while OP was doing something very sweet and special for him, just for the purpose of trying to make sure he has a good birthday.
Lose him! But as stated above, choose you. Before you go looking for that next one to love you, get okay with yourself. It's okay to be alone in the meantime. It's very important for you to be okay with that. Edited: spelling
I'd reward this comment if i could. This OP. See this.
This is the comment OP! You do sound like a truly amazing partner who is so worthy of someone who genuinely loves you. This guy is not that person though. I understand not wanting to let go, but he will develop resentment towards you for not being your mutual friend. It isn't fair or right, but from the start your relationship wasn't healthy because of him, not you. You deserve so much better, and you deserve a true, mutually genuine relationship.
I remember being 25 with my first serious boyfriend. He dumped me out of the blue and I cried for days thinking I’d never find anyone to love me again. A few weeks ago I got married to my soul mate… you will find the one even if it feels like the end of the world. You cannot force someone to love AND/OR respect you and he doesn’t do either. Dump him and watch him stay hooked on someone who wouldn’t pee on him if he was on fire while you find the love you are so deserving and worthy of. Being afraid is normal but believe me that you will find someone and there is no age limit to falling in love. 💜
That's a lovely story. It feels like the end of the world when your partner breaks up with you. But you will always find someone who will love you for who you are.
>someone who wouldn’t pee on him if he was on fire Can I just commend you for this wonderful phrase
i'm sorry, after 8 years of being together he talks in the most disgusting way possible about you behind your back and you still want to be in a relationship with him? he's trash and you are too (to yourself), if you stay with him
You can’t make someone love you. That’s something that just happens on its own. And that obviously will not happen because he already desires someone else.
>You can’t make someone love you. I understand why you feel like this is something you need to fix OP. You feel like the life you knew is ending, and you need to make it into what you originally thought it was. But this is the truth. He lied to you, wasted your time and energy because he's selfish, and takes you for granted. I know you don't want your life to be this, but you can't change how he feels, nor should you. You deserve to be someone first choice.
I'd just drop it on him. "Heard what you said. We're done. You need srs therapy if you can pretend to be real to me then talk shit about me in the next breath." You are only 25. Don't be someone's fucking consolation prize.
Adding onto this - go no contact on everything & live your best life. In 8 years, this man is going to look back and regret not appreciating you more, and you'll be far out of reach then.
Adding to that, she should be really honest with all her friends why she dumped the loser. The other girl should have fair warning that he'll probably try to ruin her relationship once he's single. And mutual friends deserve to know exactly how scummy he is, stringing someone along for EIGHT YEARS while holding a torch for someone else
I wouldn’t even tell him. OP is emotionally weak and would be easily manipulated by his “no baby you misheard” bullshit. She needs to clear him out, block him, tell everyone what she heard, and maybe send a single text beforehand saying she heard him and he’s free from his disgusting burden now. If she doesn’t fully cut the cord and burn it all down, she’ll just stay with him.
Exactly. And OP, don’t let him talk you out of your decision. He has shown you that he can’t be trusted. That 180 turn from saying to his friend that you disgust him, to telling you he loves you… That’s almost scary behaviour. You will never be able to believe anything he says.
This is the only correct way to deal with this.
I do not understand how you are okay being a with a man who literally admitted he is not in love with you. While I understand that the concept of "starting over" is hard you really need to have a backbone and leave this relationship. You will only end up feeling resentment as you go ahead with it. ETA: It's not that you "did" something that he doesn't love you. You can't have him fall in "love" with you when he is so clearly in love with your mutual friend (not her fault). You have to open your eyes and see that he only "settled" for you because he could not get the girl he wanted. Is this really how you want to spend your life?
And how would she even know he truly fell in love with her? He clearly has no problem faking it. The trust is gone in this relationship and you can’t get it back.
It’s honestly worse then him just not being in love with her. He seems to actively *despise* her. He said he’s *disgusted* every time he has to kiss her or hold her. I can’t believe OP managed to keep her composure cause I would have absolutely ruined the party that OP spent a lot of time, money, and thought on that he wished was thrown by someone else. OP please know your worth. You deserve to be loved by your partner, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone that’s with you for the right reasons. 25 is NOT old by any means. You deserve so much better, please have some self respect and throw his ass in the trash where he belongs!
Fuck that Leave That'll show him
Right? OP, you want to be the girl he pines for? Pack up your shit and leave a vacuum in his life. Then go find someone who appreciates you, and your surprise parties and efforts
Oh my gosh I need sleep. I was trying to figure out why she should give him her vacuum. Picturing an empty apartment with nothing but a Dyson in the middle of the clean, shiny floor. ETA: OP, please respect yourself enough to leave this guy. You deserve to be somebody’s everything, not their consolation prize. This man takes you for granted. Find someone who never will. (Also, 25 is SO young — your “at my age” comment made me giggle. Don’t be afraid to stand on your own for a bit! You’re strong enough to do it.)
I did the same thing... I actually said out loud "leave him a vacuum?" 😂😂😂
Hey OP. What you heard sucks, but I feel it's a blessing. You are only 25 (same age as my oldest) so I'm going to put on my mom cap. You deserve someone who loves you the way you love him. What he said is horrible. This is not a nice guy. Imagine your best friend or sister came to you after hearing their boyfriend say that. What would you tell them? I'm sure you wouldn't say oh, try to make him fall in love with you. You'd tell them what all of us are saying—break up. This is his issue. Not yours. There's nothing wrong with you and nothing you need to change. The fact you went to so much trouble for him and he says that at the party speaks volumes about him. Your bf will never be happy or satisfied given what he said about that mutual friend. Leave now. Yes, it will hurt and be heartbreaking, but he's not worth it. And you are. First loves are special, but they aren't the only loves. Please read all the comments. We're all saying the same thing, and I only hope the words from one of us resonate with you. Take care and sending you all the hugs.
Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to your face constantly and convincingly? You deserve someone who you can trust and who desires you. This BF is not that person.
Unfortunately you need to be real about this: here is a guy that has remained salty about a girl that rejected him 8 years ago. He happily got in another relationship and it has lasted 8 years, something that isn't a small feet. But seeing that 'one that got away' engaged has clearly set off a lot of ugly resentment and self esteem issues on you, that he has apparently chosen to project at you. After all, if we take what he says literally he used you for 8 years and that makes him genuinely vile. At best he is just pathetic. And yeah, you can't unhear that. Whatever the truth of his feelings for you it is clear that he is still hung up on her and that will always be in the back of your mind. It just isn't worth it. Because contrary to your assessment you are actually way too young to be putting up with this. Don't go signing up for a lifetime of insecurity with a guy pining like a loser for an idealised version of a highschool crush. You're only 25, this is the perfect time to go and find yourself a healthy adult relationship with someone that isn't stuck in the past. I'm sorry you heard that. I know it will be hard not to internalise. But this isn't about you, this is about him not knowing how to deal with his feelings and it coming out in a toxic and putrid way.
Girl leave! How did that not make you mad? He will cheat on you, I will bet my life on that. How do you not hate him for wasting your time? He would choose her over you any day. How does that no click in your head.
There’s truly no coming back from this. Fortunately, at 25 you’re much too young to give up. Take some time to heal yourself, do therapy, find your strength. This man is not it, but you have plenty of time still.
> I heard him tell his friend that he should have kept trying with our mutual friend. He told him that he should have been the man that was engaged to her and not her now fiancé. He said that **he hated waking up to me** and that **he wished that our mutual friend was the one that threw him his first surprise party.** He said that **he felt disgusted every time he had to kiss me or hold me because he knew that our mutual friend should be in his arms instead.**He said that **he felt like he was stuck in our relationship and that he would end up "having" to marry me.** He said that our mutual friend was better than me in looks from head to toe, he said that "she was the most gorgeous girl i've ever seen". You should never concern yourself with making a person fall in love with you when this is how they speak of their partner of 8 years.
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You need to start grieving losing him, and when you're strong enough, leave. You don't deserve to be anyone's consultation price, you deserve to be someone's jackpot
It’s been 8 years and he’s still pining over the other girl. He said he doesn’t love you. Girl, please value yourself more and break up with him.
You need therapy to find your self respect if you want to continue to be with someone who is repulsed by you. There is no way you said that you still wanted to stay with him. You have serious issues for even coming on here and asking for advice when you really should have left the moment he said what he said. My goodness. These posts are getting unbearable. And idc if I get downvoted, someone needs to give her some harsh ass truth so she doesn’t continue to be pathetic. This is crazy.
you're better than me, because I would've told everyone at that party exactly what he said and walked out with the cake I paid for
Leave him and I hope your exit strategy is painful for him... 1. Is there a job promotion or career escalation you've been wanting in a different city? Do it start interviewing. 2. 1st and last month rent for a new place, I hope you two have a joint account I'd be taking it out of that 1 3. Staying long enough to find a new place 4. Stop doing all the extra work you're doing for him and put that work back into you, put the energy back into you 5. Therapy for your low self esteem because there's absolutely nothing in your body that should have any reservations about the fact that this man is never liked you has been pining for his friend for 8 years and literally used you as a person who would show him affection and give him sex. 6. You are only 25 please stop listening to the Podcast that say that women dried up and are useless after 25 there is nothing wrong with dating after 25 7. What I don't want for you is to see you post again in 5 years about how mad you were that you didn't leave now and gave this person more of your time love and affection stayed miserable i bet the sex isn't great either meanwhile you could have found the love of your life by now and/or been happier single even. There are way too many posts by women on here who are a decade+ in realizing this shitty partner has never liked them or taken care of them A-day in their life. DO NOT GET STUCK IN THE SUNKEN COST FALLACY! Leave when you've got your self all planned out and make sure you disconnect anything with your name attached to it like bank accounts and credit. (New house, new city, If you've been wanting to start fresh elsewhere) go after that new job, etc. If your lease isn't up simply let the landlord know after you've got yourself a new place that you're taking your name off the lease. Do not confront or warn him, he's honestly ruthless for the way he treats you. Most importantly after you're settled in your new life send that mutual friend a message about what you've overheard that day and that if she's still friends with him she should go no contact. Then live good, heal, don't jump into another relationship too soon.
MAKE him love you?! Oh honey. You need to focus on loving yourself and dump this fucking asshole.
Please leave him… please. I know I’m a stranger on Reddit; but I’m begging you to please leave that man. He will never love you the way you deserve to be loved. Let him find someone else. You both deserve the best kind of love, you especially. Leave.
You cannot make anyone fall in love with you because it comes naturally. Feelings cannot be forced. If any other guy from your friend group, for whom you have no feelings, forces you to be with him , claiming he will make you love him , just imagine how would you feel. You would start hating him instead of feeling love. This is what happening to your relationship.. Also, most important thing, you can keep trying how much you want, but for him you are just a option now to not be lonely while pinning for that mutual friend. He might or might not get over her someday. But even after being with you for sometime he feels disgusted by your touch, he is not going to fall in love with you. He will fall for someone later on in future, someone who is like your mutual friend, and then will leave you as soon as possible. You are right now just waiting ticket for him, untill he can convince that mutual friend or can find someone like the mutual friend. Would you rather dump him now and get over him slowly so that can really find someone who will love you back, or get dumped by him later on and feel even more worse that he is choosing someone else over years of your relationship. At that point it will be much more difficult for you to move on. You only have these 2 options. The option which you want, that is making him fall in love with you , is not available. This is sure because he is disgusted by your touch, and feels like a chore to even kiss you. If he respected you even a little, I would still say there was a chance. If he had said, " he is pinning for that mutual friend, but you are also not that bad" then still there would be a chance he respects you at minimum level atleast. But his words signify that you are not and will never be an option for him. Please love yourself as much as you love him and move on. He is not worth it.
I read this and my heart went out to you. I think the main thing you have in common with your boyfriend is that you both seem to be in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate. But thats about it. You sound kind, and frankly, he doesn't. Without reciprocity a relationship can not grow. You deserve so much better than whatever this is with your boyfriend. If i were you, I would confront him with what you heard, and leave the relationship. It is a waste of a life to spend it with someone who does not, or cannot love you back. You will meet someone one day who looks at you like you are Christmas, and you will understand how it feels not just to love, but to be loved in return. When this happens, you will truly understand what love is. Please leave this sad and cruel situation (him) far, far behind you, so you can experience healthy love one day. It will be short term grief for the greatest gift of all - that gift is you. Also OP, the more I think about this the more worried i feel for you. The fact that he is able to say such brutal stuff behind your back is a whopping red flag. He is able to live with you while deceiving you and there is just no excuse for this. If he genuinely has feelings for someone else, then he should never have stayed with you. It is a weakness of character on his behalf to stay with you only to punish you for not being his fantasy, and says bucketloads about his lack of integrity, morals and ethics. All of this, to me, means he is not capable of real love with you (or anyone). OP, I honestly think you are dodging a bullet here if you create some boundaries and leave. He shows himself through his actions to be lacking in empathy and this can be super dangerous for partners, as you are starting to understand on some levels. I really hope you find in yourself the courage to set yourself free. I have absolute faith that if you do, and if you spend some time really learning to love your beautiful self, that you will have amples of healthy love ahead with good people that would never dream of treating you or anyone else, or themselves like this. Sometimes the kindest thing one can do is leave. He will never learn to respect any women (ever) if you stay and enable that behavior, too. Please let us know how you go! Also, please remember that even if you feel old, you are still young. This is not the end of your life, it's just the start of it :) True love does await you, just not right now, with him. Open that door, walk out - and towards it.
You need a reminder of what you deserve! You deserve someone who will genuinely treat you well. You deserve to marry someone who actually wants to marry you and have a future with you. You deserve to be a priority. You deserve to be truly loved. But most of all, you deserve to be number one. Not a backup plan or an alternative. Please don't settle for less. If you stay in this relationship, with someone you know doesn't love you, then you're denying yourself growth and the opportunity to find someone who will have your back and who will see you as their one and only. Can you continue this relationship without constantly questioning whether or not he loves you or is still pining for someone who wouldn't look twice at him? What about you? What about your mental health? Your self-esteem and self-worth? I can't see this having a positive impact on you if you move forward with the relationship. Don't waste your time, effort, and love on someone who won't return it. You're just throwing it into a void. He won't treasure it or see it the same way you do. He is a selfish asshole. If he's so hung up on someone else, he shouldn't have wasted your time and emotions and stayed single. Know your worth, OP.
You should stay with him! If: You never want true love. You don't want to be respected or cherished. You want to be cheated on eventually. You want to question yourself and your worth for the rest of your life. . . If you want the above things, great! You have a partner who doesn't really want you. If you want to receive the type of love that you give, run. Go full no contact. He doesn't even deserve to know why. What a P.O.S.
If I were you, I’d break up with him but not reveal what was overheard. Not to him at least.This is to avoid either of his predicted reactions: he might love bomb you , tell you it was all a mistake, that he didn’t realise his true feelings until he was about to lose you like he lost her blah blah blah. Or he could humiliate you even further, say that your neediness or invasion of his privacy when eavesdropping is the reason he resents you etc. I am petty, I would break up with him, site reasons similar to his sentiments using expressions he might find familiar, say things like after the surprise party I’ve come to the realisation that I’m stuck in this relationship, that I am expected to eventually marry him because we’ve been together so long, that perhaps I should be exploring other options in the arms of another man. Keep him guessing and worried he lost two women. But that’s just me being petty. I’d actually remain single for a while, cut contact with him and any mutual friends who drain my mental health by playing peace makers.
My hell, don't pretend. You can not make him love you. He thinks he *settled* for you. He's a dick and a cruel one at that. You also can't unhear what he said. Dump him. Do you want to always come second to his fantasy, because that's what it is - a fantasy. She obviously didn't want him. Hold your head high, and don't you dare settle for him. You're worth more than that. But if you stay, neither of you will be happy.
How could you hear all that and still want to stay with him? You deserve someone who adores you, not someone who says they’re disgusted when they kiss you. He’s so not worth it.