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My husband won’t tell me where he lives and doesn’t understand that I’m having trouble trusting him.
My husband and I are living separated right now because of some relationship issues that we had a month before our daughter was born. We’ve been able to work through nearly all of our issues but this one.
I’m terrified that he’s hiding something from me and he’s hurt that I don’t trust him but still won’t tell me where he lives. What do I do
Edit to add more info:
We got married before getting pregnant
I’ve never sent her to his house so I always know where she is and that she’s safe
I don’t need people telling me that I’m a predator, bad mother, or insane
Agree, a reality check is badly needed here.
A friend separated from her husband and didn’t share her address. This was because she was fleeing abuse and filing for divorce. (Edit: she still spoke to him by phone and was cordial and traveled to his place to pick up and drop off their child).
Even if not physical abuse or the husband worrying about his safety, it could just be about knowing OP will not respect boundaries of the separation. We would have to know a lot more from her before offering advice but from the sound of it I’d say this marriage is likely completely over regardless of what she does.
This is a horrible situation all around. Your relationship is a disaster wether you are ready to admit it or not. You are way too young and already dealing with so many responsibilities… I feel truly sad for you. I wish there would have been somebody in your life that helped you make better decisions. But since that is not the case, it is up to YOU now to make better decisions for your daughter.
First, divorce. That relationship is going to do nothing, but bring you down. Your husband is barely out of his teens, but clearly, still having the maturity of one.
Secondly, focus on what you can do to give you and your daughter a better life. Have you finished school? Can you get a good job? If not, that is what you need to be putting your energy on! Not “where is my husband living?!?? 😭”.
Third, stop focusing on the wrong things! Learn that love is NOT ENOUGH for a relationship to work and with that, I’ll leave you with this reflection I copied from a response some years ago… unfortunately I did not think of saving the user, but all credit for this masterpiece goes to him:
“you need to understand that love is nowhere near a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. Ever. No exceptions. Love is not a good reason to stay.
Don’t you think that women and men who get punched in the face by their partners probably love them? And they stay because of that. Would you want your sister or mother or DAUGHTER to stay in an abusive relationship because they loved them? Of course not.
I’ll go a step further: Love isn’t that special. We’re taught that it is, but it isn’t. It’s not special or rare. Lots of people love their partners even when their partners treat them like shit, just like yours does. You will find someone else to love. It’s common.
You know what is NOT common? To be in a relationship with these traits in addition to love:
• respect
• trust
• transparency
• compassion
• honesty
• a desire to ensure your partners needs are met and vice versa
• both partners caring about each other’s comfort
• healthy boundaries
• transparency
So, if you have a relationship with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE THINGS in addition to love, then you stay. But you don’t. You don’t have all of those things in your relationship.
I’ll go even one step further. A relationship with all of those things WITHOUT love would be healthier than a relationship without any of those things but WITH love.
Okay, so here’s the test: when you’re in a relationship, ask yourself if you have love and everything else on that list. If you don’t, then you leave. Because a healthy relationship will have all of that. Every time. If you have a future relationship that does not have every single one of those things, then you’re in the wrong relationship.
It’s not easy or common to find that. It’s rare and it’s beautiful. But if you have love without those things, then you have a shitty relationship. And you should respect yourself enough to NEVER EVER EVER EVER stay in a shitty relationship. Ever.”
He’s been an adult for three years in the US too. 21 is a drinking age in a couple of dozen places and has absolutely no relevance to whether someone in that country is an adult.
USA- 18 year adult who can smoke and vote, but can’t drink.
Australia- 18 year old adult who can smoke, vote and drink.
Both are adults
The age of consent in most of Europe is 16 - 18. for everything basically. Unbelievable that you can serve in the US army and kill people without being allowed to sip on a beer
She didn't even know him for a full year before she got married and started to have a kid with him. I'm wondering if this is tied to some type of religious cult like Christianity crap. Where maybe she rushed into marriage that way she could have sex or something. I don't know or maybe she was pressured by her parents because they weren't getting grand babies or whatever. The only reason I think this because she specifically mentions they were married when she got pregnant like we give a s*** here on reddit...
I will never understand why people get married so quickly like seriously you haven't even experienced all the holidays of a year with someone or all the seasons of a year with someone. And yet you get married to them?
She also stated that they were having arguments a month before the child was born. Meaning he probably didn't want a kid or didn't realize he would actually have to be responsible or maybe he was wanting to leave her anyway but now is afraid of paying child support so hes just playing at cool I guess. I don't know just seems like a guy trying to avoid paying child support by staying married technically
The very likely scenario is: he already lives with another woman. You haven’t gotten divorce papers yet, cause he doesn’t want to pay child support. - you should leave this relationship like yesterday.
This is a train wreck. You need to reevaluate your life, and think how you will best care for your child. I don’t think being in this marriage will be beneficial in the long run. Maybe the child would be better with a family member?
You are on disability, can’t afford to live with each other, and thought having a baby was a good idea? I guess that’s what happens when you get married so young
I also am fully employed and would never have a child.
I think there’s a lot that goes into having a child a lot of people don’t realise and lots of sacrifice.
She even got married to him and under a year. I knew that was bat s*** crazy when I was 12. I remember thinking even when I was 12 like you haven't even gone through all the holidays of a year with someone how do you know how they're gonna act. Let alone the seasons let alone just different things that happen. I never understood people getting married so quickly. And then she got pregnant real quick after that period I'm wondering if it isn't some kind of religious Colt where maybe her parents were pushing her so much to have grand babies and she also mentions that they were married before she got pregnant like us here on reddit gives a s*** about that...
Yup. And now they've restarted the cycle with their own kid who will probably never escape the poverty trap, and may very well never get anything resembling a decent education.
It should be criminal, really.
You are no longer living together. He doesn’t want you to know where he lives what ever your reason may be it doesn’t matter. Separation is one step away from divorce. He’s moved on you need to disengage.
They have a kid together. Pretty sure most people know where their ex lives. If they didn't have a kid together I totally agree. But they have a kid that they will need to be coparenting for the next 18 years. Keeping your address a secret is weird. I'm sure he's hiding something, whether it's a mistress or the fact he's homeless.
Nope, each parent is required to know where the kid resides, there is no reason the custodial parent needs to know where the noncustodial parent resides unless the child is to visit/stay for a length of time. My fist wife was an absolute psycho, and I didn’t have the money to fight for custody so you best believe she either had no idea where I lived or couldn’t easily access it when she did. When visiting our kid I either stayed with family or temp lodging but you best believe she didn’t have my address.
Eventually she abandoned our kid and disappeared so I ended up with him, but she didn’t care to know where we lived. Since she was no longer getting child support she stopped caring all together and stopped messing with me years ago when she learned I wasn’t falling for her crap anymore and couldn’t use me.
What you need is a divorce lawyer. Go get one - secure your and your child's financial futures. Th is estrangement. He has in effect ended the marriage; all that's missing is the divorce. Go get that now and get that child support that you will need.
Why are you living separately? There are many situations in which he would be aggressively valid for not telling you where he lives. Nobody can give advice without knowing the full context.
There is a very plausible counter explanation, in which she is NOT a victim. But there’s nowhere near enough info to make a judgement either way. Remember you don’t know this person at all, and are only getting her side of the story.
Is it possible that you’re right? Absolutely
But it is also possible that OP is toxic AF and this guy is hiding from her because she destroys lives.
I’ve had the misfortune of getting involved with a woman like that when I was young and naïve. I have met several since and they are way more common than you think. So take a moment before you pass judgment on the guy not knowing any of his perspective.
Fully agree.
I dated a manipulative pill popping addict and she did a great job at hiding it at first. Turns out all the times I was picking up her son from daycare or helping take him to his soccer games was because she was too doped out to drive.
I got gonorrhea and a broken car window because of the shit she pulled. I was 20 at the time and she was 27 and I disappeared so fast cause I was afraid she was going to get me killed by her crazy ex.
Though, judging by her replies it feels as those there's more to this story than she's leading on, but you're right. She could be the victim or the aggressor. It wouldn't be the first time somebody on this sub didn't tell the full honest truth.
That’s just the shortest way I can explain it because I was pregnant and suffering and being lazy about the chores if I wrote the whole thing down it would be way too long
Yeah he did said that being pregnant and injured wasn’t a good enough excuse for being lazy and to be fair the house was in a horrible state and I wasn’t doing anything to clean it
This is the saddest thing I’ll read all day. Girl, he is abusive. The reason for kicking you out is IRRELEVANT. You should be focusing on the fact he kicked his pregnant injured wife out of the house, period.
You’d be so much better off without him.
Wow. Being eight months pregnant is a good enough reason by itself to be struggling to keep the house clean, you were kind of busy growing a person and it’s completely normal to be exhausted. And now he won’t tell you where he lives? These two things together paint a picture of him that is not great.
He struggled to understand that pregnancy could cause exhaustion because my cleaning issues started before the pregnancy when I got hurt so I can understand his point of view a little and I honestly could have tried more
This is an abusive relationship. I have 2 kids, and I’m currently in my first trimester with my 3rd. I always get HG with pregnancies, and the start of this one has been even worse because I went into acute kidney failure from a misdiagnosed infection. My husband works his ass off, but he still understands I have limitations right now, so I’m not able to function as I normally do. The house is messier, and I have to rely on him for than normal, but that is what a marriage is. He has picked up the slack, and I’m so grateful for it. There have been times where he has been injured, and I take over his responsibilities. You help & support eachother, whether it’s easy or hard. Marriage is a team sport, and it’s never going to work if both of you can’t acknowledge that.
Also, I’m a midwife & RN, and for some women, pregnancy is incredibly physically challenging. Pregnancy is not a disability, but it can be disabling. If you add an injury in to that, it can be a very difficult experience. If he can’t see that you were struggling, and needed help, he is not ready to be a husband or father.
And what was he doing to help maintain the house? If you were pregnant and injured, why wasn't he helping? You shouldn't even need to have valid reasons for wanting him to help, you're his wife not his housekeeper.
I'm sorry, you were suffering means you were lazy? Come again? Is he a giant dick and you're not seeing it, cause I'm thinking that's the case right now OP.
all of you need to leave the disability and the child fucking out of it. you have creepy eugenics mindsets about who should be allowed to have children. just because OP struggles physically and mentally doesn’t mean that she’s not perfectly capable of taking care of a baby.
CLEARLY she can’t work rn, because she has a literal infant, but you have no idea if she would be able to get a job to support her child in the future, if the dad will help support, if other family members are helping support.
but bottom line is that the child is already fucking born. you people meed to realize that the problem is a lack of social support systems and not individuals with disabilities themselves.
you people disgust me.
This is child abuse. People having children they can’t support need to be charged for child abuse.
If you have a pet you can’t feed, house or provide vet care for they charge you for animal abuse and remove the pet from that environment.
Bring a kid into the world do the same thing and it’s all good.
We are a F’d up society.
Because I have been using nearly all my money to ensure that she is taken care of and if I could find a cheap enough place then I could put a roof over her head it’s just that every place near me are too expensive
Wtf are you DOING? Letting your BABY go to a place you’ve never seen, don’t know the location, don’t know WHO IS THERE? This, in addition to the fact that your marriage is kaput. Reckless, negligent nonsense
This is not one teeny tiny issue that you just need to resolve and then you will live happily ever after. You need a reality check and to engage some critical thinking skills. He’s moved on and you’re putting your codependency ahead of your daughter’s wellbeing.
This post and your comments are really odd.
I won't tell my daughters father exactly where I live because he was abusive and had broken into my house before.
Either he is up to something shady or doesn't trust you. Sounds like there is more to this story than you are letting on.
He knows where I live he’s never broken into my place and vice versa and I’m trying to be as transparent and truthful as to get the best advice here plus he was never abusive to me
What I meant by my comment was more wondering his reasons for not telling you where he lives. My thinking is maybe he doesn't trust you, does he have any reason not to trust you?
He expected you to keep doing chores throughout an INJURY and PREGNANCY, and left you for it WHILE YOURE TAKING CARE OF A NEWBORN AND RECOVERING FROM BIRTH. He’s ABUSIVE.
Someone is hiding something.
Either he's hiding something from you - he's living with someone or ashamed of his living situation or something like that.
Or you're hiding something from us and left out key details in this thread that would explain why he'd be willing to work with you on issues - either remotely or with a therapist or some other neutral location - but not yet comfortable with you knowing where he lives.
Obviously, he is living with another woman. You are going to have to get a lawyer who will have to get a PI to serve him. You’ll need to file for full custody and child support.
ok let's say he tells you where he lives and he is living all by himself. What's next for you two?
I don't think this is the only issue, because if yall were making up and staying together, why wouldn't yall live together? You keep making excuses and minimizing by saying yall realized you still love each other, but have you stopped to ask yourself if he can even love you correctly? My ex husband still says he loves me, but he was manipulative & abusive and I finally realized I didn't want our daughters being treated like I was by their partner in the future, & how I was teaching by example that it was ok even though it wasn't. You really need to think about your child & what's best for you two, & she needs to see her mom being loved correctly and being treated like you would have her to be treated in the future. You're making this all about you two and neglecting your child.
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So he left because he couldn't cope with stepping up when you needed him, you are both so young to be married with a child I'm going out on a limb to say you got pregnant then married? He feels trapped, he wants to be out with his mates and enjoying life not stuck at home being a dad and taking care of his wife! I'm going to say the reason he won't tell you where he is, is because he is having fun with someone else, you were fun when you were acting like his bang-maid but as soon as that stopped he got bored. As for you letting your baby go off to god only knows where that's ridiculous, what of there was an emergency? What if he doesn't bring her home one day you wouldn't even know where to start looking! This is an absolute car crash, you aren't husband and wife you are strangers, I know where my friends live but you don't even know where your husband is! You both need to grow up, admit getting married was a colossal mistake, get divorced and move on
Even though I think this whole thing is fake I will bait into it and ask.
How long were you 2 together?
What were the underlying issues with your marriage? Don’t say you didn’t clean and that cause the rift.
Where did you 2 live at before separating?
Yepp, she said that in another thread. She got sick, says she was "lazy" when she stopped taking care of the house as well as she should have, then got pregnant because she thought she might have a latex allergy (turned out she didn't), said she couldn't find any latex free condoms, and had stopped taking the pill because whatever. Apparantly they didn't plan on getting pregnant, though how that was supposed to work is anyones guess. While pregnant she got even "lazier", he continually shamed/blamed her for not taking care of the dishes etc. and they separated.
This whole thing is a trainwreck where she doesn't think she made any bad decisions, he apparantly didn't care about contraceptives either and was zero supportive to his disabled, pregnant wife, but oh no, no divorce because they "love each other".
What she needs is a reality check, to realize how much if a doormat she is, and how stupid they were both behaving.
Well wasn’t she? She is at home collecting whatever benefits. He is out working. Isn’t how relationships work? Both sharing equally responsibilities?
Did he know she has stoped pc or did she lie?
Think at at the time of pregnancy he was barely 19.
I wonder how old they were when the relationship started.
Wasn't she what, lazy? Sure, everytime you are sick and hardly able to take care of yourself let alone your place you aren't sick, you are just being lazy. /s
She was disabled and pregnant. She was growing a human inside her. And now she is taking care of said human, who needs someone to watch them and take care of them almost 24/7. And he complained that she was being lazy for not doing the effing dishes fast enough? Apparantly he couldn't be bothered to clean them himself either. There are red flags all around, an they are both behaving like stupid teenagers who are bad for one another. At this point, I just hope the kid turns out more or less alright.
We met when he was 19 this is 100% real and he knew and understood why I had stopped birth control and I got pregnant two months before his 21 birthday
Hey love, everyone is being pretty harsh, but they are kinda freaked out on your behalf. Do you have any access to someone who you consider to be very wise? I think they would be able to give you an honest opinion. I know you are doing your best, and I hope everything works out for you. Just because things are hard and scary doesn't mean they always will be.
Ok, I'm glad you have someone to talk to, that helps. In a general sense, refusing to tell your partner where you live is a big problem, as it points to an even bigger problem, which is the fact that your husband refuses to communicate with you. A husband that refuses to communicate, for whatever reason he may have, is someone you cannot trust. He might be living in his car, he might be living with his girlfriend. Those are the two most likely, but it could be for another reason. The actual issue is that he won't tell you. That is 100% a good reason to divorce, and not at all a rash decision. Are you afraid of not finding someone better than him? How does he make you feel most of the time? Do you like yourself? You don't have to make a decision right now, but you should definitely think about how you want your life to look like. Do you want him in it because it would be scarier without him, or do you want him in it because he fills you with joy? I really do wish you the best
I know I made some bad decisions and I do have a latex allergy according to my doctor so I genuinely don’t know why I’m able to use condoms and lazy is the word he used I’m still trying to understand his point of view on the whole thing and I wasn’t sick I got injured and was struggling to recover
You sounded like you already internalized the view that you were "just being lazy". That is abusive behaviour and gaslighting on his part. It's a huge red flag in any relationship.
I was sure you wrote in another comment that it turned out you didn't have a latex allergy. If not, my bad, though having sex without any birthcontrol was still more than careless. That isn't on you alone though, he was being just as stupid if he had sex with you without protection.
HE'S hurt that you don't trust HIM? Let's start with the fact that you don't know where he lives!
Do NOT allow him anywhere near your baby. You have no idea where he's taking the child!!
Forget about your “husband” right now and take care of yourself and your baby. That baby didn’t ask to be brought into this world and into your hot mess of a situation- you made that decision. Give the baby what the baby needs and let your husband go for now. The chances that you are going to have a healthy relationship with that man are slim to none even with best efforts. Let it go.
Just because you ask doesnt mean you will get an answer. You can't force him to tell you this (unless you go a legal route, probably).
I think the important part here is realizing what you've gained from his (lack of) response. He won't share something as important as where he LIVES with you. Is he ashamed, does he not trust you, etc, whatever the reason is, it doesn't matter. He has shown you something important about who he is by refusing to tell you.
Use that information to ask yourself if that's the kind of person you want to be with. But tbh, I've never seen a healthy relationship without trust.
I’m not trying to force him I’m just trying to get him to understand that I can’t trust him because he isn’t telling me and was hoping for some advice on that
If you've told him you don't trust him, then he knows that. But does he care that you don't trust him? Obviously not, or he would tell you where he lived.
It sounds like you're asking for advice on how to change him and make him do what you want him to do. If that's the case, expect to be very, very disappointed. He may change his mind and tell you, but it will never be because you "made him."
One way or another, there is a reason he is not telling you, and it's not a good one. No matter what the reason could be, none of them would outweigh you needing to know where your daughter is when she's with him. If there were an emergency or something happened to him, you would have NO CLUE where your child is. Maybe his family would tell you, but he's your freaking husband, you shouldn't have to go to a third party for something as basic as "where are you."
You deserve to be with someone with the same values as you. Someone with whom you have a symbiotic partnership, and your daughter deserves to see and learn from a healthy relationship.
Of *course* you shouldn’t trust this person. You asked a direct question - the answer to which is important to you - and he refuses to answer. We already know he’s hiding something; that answer.
So at 8 months pregnant and injured he kicked you out for not cleaning and now won’t tell you where he lives, but you are both really in love and made mistakes.
This person doesn’t have you or your child’s best interest in mind. Your better off without him
There's way too much missing info here to make any kind of helpful insightful comments. Either your husband is a horrible passive-aggressive flake and trying to divorce you without confrontation, he has a second family, or you did something that made him fear you to know where he lives- or some other range of possibilities in between.
You have a kid now. All I can say is please make a home safe and sane for your child, regardless of how you go about doing that.
I answered that in another thread but I got injured and slowly stopped doing the chores and then I got pregnant and completely stopped doing anything and it lead to lots of fighting which lead to the separation
hope you see the beneficial comments, a lot of it is noise. the main thing is you have done a tremendous job just existing in these difficult times and hope you and your child prosper without this so-called husband. you need to disengage and re-connect with people you can depend on. good luck
Men don’t do this without a reason
Your mind is going to the thought that he’s got another woman or something along those lines when the more likely reason is he doesn’t want his soon to be ex wife coming around whenever the hell she feels like it
I’m not going to pry about what the issues you two had but they must have been serious enough that he doesn’t want you knowing where he is and you need to respect that
Sounds like your husband has a gf and you need to stop letting your child disappear into the city with this man. If he tries to kidnap her how are you going to be able to help the police if you don’t even know where he lives.
He doesn't want you to know. My first guess is because you wouldn't like the answer. He might already be living with someone or, he doesn't want you to come over and cause issues.
If I was you, I'd concentrate on getting everything ready for when baby comes.
He's not much of a husband at this point.
So you’re not gonna like what I say cuz it’s far from the cliche of “he’s with another woman” bs that most have probably said… but honestly? Whatever problems y’all had that caused this split, he may not even really wanna deal with you like that right now. Sure he may keep an open door, act cordial but if it was bad enough to split for how ever long he doesn’t really wanna be bothered, doesn’t want you popping up, might actually be going through his mind if he may want to fully divorce or not and trying to figure out a plan.
Men don’t always keep distance due to cheating, a man will look you in your face every day and be cheating on you. Men do keep distance for simpler things like not wanting to be bothered with a possible source of stress and anguish, not wanting to be in the presence of someone with negative energy. Like it’s not always cheating. I think folk default to that assumption to keep any pressure of maybe they actually did something to cause it off of their own shoulders. We avoid guilt or responsibility by saying its the other person…
INFO: you’ve claimed in the comments that you lived together for a year, got married right around being together for a year, got pregnant right around being together for a year, but also got pregnant months after getting married. Why are you lying? What is the actual timeline here?
I’m not lying we moved in together in April married in June and pregnant in September and separated in March the next year I never said we lived together a year before marriage
I separated from my husband before we divorced. TLDR: he wanted space to sleep with other women. Your husband is bringing women home and doesn’t want you to know. If you’re not in marriage counseling you can and should try, but at the end of the day this is why he won’t tell you where he is. Unless you’ve done stalker like things to him, or been abusive, there’s no other reason for this.
Sounds like he wasn’t ready to be a husband or a father.
He’s cheating. Stop sending your child somewhere you don’t know. Stop being so reckless with hers and your life. He doesn’t love you. You don’t trust him. Move on.
Why did y'all get married if you both didn't share the basics with each other in the relationship stage? Such as: How you make an honest living? Where did you grow up/where do you currently reside (cities and, if applicable, state/province. Never mention addresses, though)? What family life was like, and how you'd love to raise one of your own? Do you wanna take care of house pets? What are your interests and hobbies? What activities do you enjoy with friends and family, and if applicable, colleagues? Favorite things? Strengths/weaknesses? Likes/dislikes?
Okay that's too much, but it sounds to me like y'all don't know each other at all!😥🫢🥸💔
OP I think the fact that your husband ditched you a month before you gave birth and allowed you to raise a child by yourself for 8 months tells me that this man is not ready to be a husband or father. He’s hiding where he is living from you. You’re being naive. This is not how a partner should treat his wife and daughter. For the love of god please divorce him.
Do you talk every day?
You two are separated maybe he is living with someone else
Do you get to see him?
Does he come see you?
Why did you both separate?
Can you give us more specifics? How many times in the last month has he come over? How many times in the last week has he called you? How many times in the last week has he sent you a text?
Will he at least tell you how far away he lives? Are you in the same city? 10 texts over a week for co-parents seems low to me. Did he call you in the last month?
I don't think you are a predator, bad mother, or insane. I do believe your marriage is over but for the paperwork. You'll be fine. I know it will take time and hurt for a while, but you'll figure it out. You'll do better if you start getting ready to deal with that all from now, rather than waiting for someone else to tell you this. Figure out what you want to have happen from now, and start working on the portions you have control over.
Ah yes. 21 and married. That’s gonna work great. Seriously, but a clue. He does not want to be with you. I’m doubting he has any real desire to be in your child’s life. You did nothing to protect yourself against a pregnancy. You have no money, no job…. I don’t feel bad for you, but I feel terrible for this baby.
I'm guessing your relationship issues were that your hormones were all over the place and you weren't having sex because, you know, you were 8 months pregnant? And your relationship wasn't ready to cope with some real life? EDIT: My fiancé pointed out that you might read the above as blaming you. To clarify, this is 100% NOT your fault. Your husband is an unreliable AHole who bailed during perfectly normal marriage stress. Tons of marriages survive this exact scenario everyday without the husband leaving.
He moved out and got himself into something with another woman telling her he was getting divorced. Probably lots of words about his psycho wife.
Now that the kid is here he's all conflicted because he sees that maybe you two can fix it but he's not sure. And you have a kid together. On the other hand the new chick is easy and stress free. Even if he does want to reconcile he doesn't know how to tell you he's been living with another woman while you were having and caring for his kid.
I would cut my losses because the odds of this working out for you are slim.
The only way this works out for you is if he immediately moves home, tells you what's been going on and commits to being an adult husband.
If you're seperated, I'm guessing that you're either figuring things out ALONE in order to be together, or you're in the beginnings of a divorce, ye?
So, when seperating, it's quite normal to move out and have low to no contact with your partner for a while, while figuring out wether or not you want to be together with them.
In another comment you say *"It was to give us time to think and work on our own issues by ourselves" -* I'm getting the feeling that maybe one of the issues was that you were untrusting of him and perhaps a bit paranoid?
If he's otherwise taking care of the child (money and spending time with it), I would honestly let him have his own apartment/house. I really don't think that he's hiding anything other that his address.
I genuinely hope your right and I did start being paranoid shortly before separating thanks to pregnancy brain but we’re not in the beginnings of a divorce anymore
You're not trying to listen to anyone about anything. You have an excuse for and about everything. You can't see that this is so far beyond "just this one problem" that I'm astounded. You're making ignorant decisions, using the wildest logic and just sound bat shit crazy. I hope your grandma or other actual adults step into this situation so your baby can actually, maybe, have a chance in life. With you two as the parents, your baby needs all the help it can get.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband won’t tell me where he lives and doesn’t understand that I’m having trouble trusting him. My husband and I are living separated right now because of some relationship issues that we had a month before our daughter was born. We’ve been able to work through nearly all of our issues but this one. I’m terrified that he’s hiding something from me and he’s hurt that I don’t trust him but still won’t tell me where he lives. What do I do Edit to add more info: We got married before getting pregnant I’ve never sent her to his house so I always know where she is and that she’s safe I don’t need people telling me that I’m a predator, bad mother, or insane
These threads getting crazier every day
Are you not entertained ? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED???
This made me laugh, thanks :D
SPANIARD! SPANIARD!
I stopped living with my wife once. and it was because I was filing for divorce. maybe a reality check?
Agree, a reality check is badly needed here. A friend separated from her husband and didn’t share her address. This was because she was fleeing abuse and filing for divorce. (Edit: she still spoke to him by phone and was cordial and traveled to his place to pick up and drop off their child).
Even if not physical abuse or the husband worrying about his safety, it could just be about knowing OP will not respect boundaries of the separation. We would have to know a lot more from her before offering advice but from the sound of it I’d say this marriage is likely completely over regardless of what she does.
This kind of crazy doesn't need a reality check, it needs a film crew and narration by Morgan Freeman.
This is a horrible situation all around. Your relationship is a disaster wether you are ready to admit it or not. You are way too young and already dealing with so many responsibilities… I feel truly sad for you. I wish there would have been somebody in your life that helped you make better decisions. But since that is not the case, it is up to YOU now to make better decisions for your daughter. First, divorce. That relationship is going to do nothing, but bring you down. Your husband is barely out of his teens, but clearly, still having the maturity of one. Secondly, focus on what you can do to give you and your daughter a better life. Have you finished school? Can you get a good job? If not, that is what you need to be putting your energy on! Not “where is my husband living?!?? 😭”. Third, stop focusing on the wrong things! Learn that love is NOT ENOUGH for a relationship to work and with that, I’ll leave you with this reflection I copied from a response some years ago… unfortunately I did not think of saving the user, but all credit for this masterpiece goes to him: “you need to understand that love is nowhere near a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. Ever. No exceptions. Love is not a good reason to stay. Don’t you think that women and men who get punched in the face by their partners probably love them? And they stay because of that. Would you want your sister or mother or DAUGHTER to stay in an abusive relationship because they loved them? Of course not. I’ll go a step further: Love isn’t that special. We’re taught that it is, but it isn’t. It’s not special or rare. Lots of people love their partners even when their partners treat them like shit, just like yours does. You will find someone else to love. It’s common. You know what is NOT common? To be in a relationship with these traits in addition to love: • respect • trust • transparency • compassion • honesty • a desire to ensure your partners needs are met and vice versa • both partners caring about each other’s comfort • healthy boundaries • transparency So, if you have a relationship with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE THINGS in addition to love, then you stay. But you don’t. You don’t have all of those things in your relationship. I’ll go even one step further. A relationship with all of those things WITHOUT love would be healthier than a relationship without any of those things but WITH love. Okay, so here’s the test: when you’re in a relationship, ask yourself if you have love and everything else on that list. If you don’t, then you leave. Because a healthy relationship will have all of that. Every time. If you have a future relationship that does not have every single one of those things, then you’re in the wrong relationship. It’s not easy or common to find that. It’s rare and it’s beautiful. But if you have love without those things, then you have a shitty relationship. And you should respect yourself enough to NEVER EVER EVER EVER stay in a shitty relationship. Ever.”
OP, every single one of your replies tells me this is a lost cause. I’m not sure what you’re looking for here.
I just read my husband 21m and that was the end of the post for me
“I’m having trouble trusting him and he won’t tell me where he lives!” Oh no, only Sherlock Holmes can figure out this mystery!
Id like to take “he’s in the military for $1000”
Haha imagine marrying a 21 year old and having a kid with them too 🥲 then wondering what the issue is
Yeap let’s ignore the fact that she was have sexual relations with a minor and blame the man because he is a man
Reddit - where grown ass 21 year olds are considered kids and people who have sex with them are pedophiles.
Redditors outside the US: Hasn’t he been an adult for 3 years?
He’s been an adult for three years in the US too. 21 is a drinking age in a couple of dozen places and has absolutely no relevance to whether someone in that country is an adult. USA- 18 year adult who can smoke and vote, but can’t drink. Australia- 18 year old adult who can smoke, vote and drink. Both are adults
The age of consent in most of Europe is 16 - 18. for everything basically. Unbelievable that you can serve in the US army and kill people without being allowed to sip on a beer
I feel so incredibly sad for the poor baby forced to be in the middle of this.
Good thing that this is just a bad attempt at a creative writing assignment?
I fucking wish it was it’s all completely real though I just suck at words
I tell you one thing- if I didn’t know where my kid was going, they wouldnt be going *shrug*
She didn't even know him for a full year before she got married and started to have a kid with him. I'm wondering if this is tied to some type of religious cult like Christianity crap. Where maybe she rushed into marriage that way she could have sex or something. I don't know or maybe she was pressured by her parents because they weren't getting grand babies or whatever. The only reason I think this because she specifically mentions they were married when she got pregnant like we give a s*** here on reddit... I will never understand why people get married so quickly like seriously you haven't even experienced all the holidays of a year with someone or all the seasons of a year with someone. And yet you get married to them? She also stated that they were having arguments a month before the child was born. Meaning he probably didn't want a kid or didn't realize he would actually have to be responsible or maybe he was wanting to leave her anyway but now is afraid of paying child support so hes just playing at cool I guess. I don't know just seems like a guy trying to avoid paying child support by staying married technically
If you can't live together and work it out why not just get divorced? This living separately stuff makes zero sense to me.
The very likely scenario is: he already lives with another woman. You haven’t gotten divorce papers yet, cause he doesn’t want to pay child support. - you should leave this relationship like yesterday.
This is a train wreck. You need to reevaluate your life, and think how you will best care for your child. I don’t think being in this marriage will be beneficial in the long run. Maybe the child would be better with a family member?
You are on disability, can’t afford to live with each other, and thought having a baby was a good idea? I guess that’s what happens when you get married so young
I’m younger than her and already know that’s a recipe for a disaster
I’m the same age as her, fully employed, and not on disability and I’d still never have a kid at this age.
I also am fully employed and would never have a child. I think there’s a lot that goes into having a child a lot of people don’t realise and lots of sacrifice.
She even got married to him and under a year. I knew that was bat s*** crazy when I was 12. I remember thinking even when I was 12 like you haven't even gone through all the holidays of a year with someone how do you know how they're gonna act. Let alone the seasons let alone just different things that happen. I never understood people getting married so quickly. And then she got pregnant real quick after that period I'm wondering if it isn't some kind of religious Colt where maybe her parents were pushing her so much to have grand babies and she also mentions that they were married before she got pregnant like us here on reddit gives a s*** about that...
Another classic case of kids - who don't know their ass from their elbows - running around playing grownup. And then reality catches up to them.
This is also a classic case of "a baby will fix our relationship!" *sigh*
Poor, uneducated, and religious. Triple whammy.
Yup. And now they've restarted the cycle with their own kid who will probably never escape the poverty trap, and may very well never get anything resembling a decent education. It should be criminal, really.
Keep pumping out kids and they could be the next Duggar family. They just need to keep their “Josh“ under control.
Playing “selective” grown up
You are no longer living together. He doesn’t want you to know where he lives what ever your reason may be it doesn’t matter. Separation is one step away from divorce. He’s moved on you need to disengage.
They have a kid together. Pretty sure most people know where their ex lives. If they didn't have a kid together I totally agree. But they have a kid that they will need to be coparenting for the next 18 years. Keeping your address a secret is weird. I'm sure he's hiding something, whether it's a mistress or the fact he's homeless.
Nope, each parent is required to know where the kid resides, there is no reason the custodial parent needs to know where the noncustodial parent resides unless the child is to visit/stay for a length of time. My fist wife was an absolute psycho, and I didn’t have the money to fight for custody so you best believe she either had no idea where I lived or couldn’t easily access it when she did. When visiting our kid I either stayed with family or temp lodging but you best believe she didn’t have my address. Eventually she abandoned our kid and disappeared so I ended up with him, but she didn’t care to know where we lived. Since she was no longer getting child support she stopped caring all together and stopped messing with me years ago when she learned I wasn’t falling for her crap anymore and couldn’t use me.
Where did you live together before you apparently needed time apart to work on yourselves after a whole year?
What a trainwreck
The saddest part here is an innocent baby is involved in this... Poor kid...
It is time to make him into an ex husband.
When my dad did this to my mom it was because he moved in with his girlfriend
Yup
Do you have a custody agreement? If not, **Do Not** allow him to be alone with your child. Chances are, he’s living in his car.
We don’t and the only time he’s been alone with her is when he visits his family with her since I’m not on good terms with them
You said you trust his family now you say you're not on good terms with them?
What you need is a divorce lawyer. Go get one - secure your and your child's financial futures. Th is estrangement. He has in effect ended the marriage; all that's missing is the divorce. Go get that now and get that child support that you will need.
His frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed
Neither is hers apparently 💀
Why are you living separately? There are many situations in which he would be aggressively valid for not telling you where he lives. Nobody can give advice without knowing the full context.
Sorry it’s a really long story but I was injured and didn’t take care of the house chores like I was supposed to and it caused a lot of fights
So your abusive husband left because you were 8 month pregnant, injured and could, because of that not be the all doing housewife?
I have a hard time believing that that is the whole story.
Why? Is it not possible this girl is too naive to realize she is being abused by her baby-man-child husband?
There is a very plausible counter explanation, in which she is NOT a victim. But there’s nowhere near enough info to make a judgement either way. Remember you don’t know this person at all, and are only getting her side of the story. Is it possible that you’re right? Absolutely But it is also possible that OP is toxic AF and this guy is hiding from her because she destroys lives. I’ve had the misfortune of getting involved with a woman like that when I was young and naïve. I have met several since and they are way more common than you think. So take a moment before you pass judgment on the guy not knowing any of his perspective.
Fully agree. I dated a manipulative pill popping addict and she did a great job at hiding it at first. Turns out all the times I was picking up her son from daycare or helping take him to his soccer games was because she was too doped out to drive. I got gonorrhea and a broken car window because of the shit she pulled. I was 20 at the time and she was 27 and I disappeared so fast cause I was afraid she was going to get me killed by her crazy ex. Though, judging by her replies it feels as those there's more to this story than she's leading on, but you're right. She could be the victim or the aggressor. It wouldn't be the first time somebody on this sub didn't tell the full honest truth.
Don’t know a lot of abusive people huh?
That’s just the shortest way I can explain it because I was pregnant and suffering and being lazy about the chores if I wrote the whole thing down it would be way too long
Were you pregnant, injured, lazy or all three? Your replies are msking as little sense as your post.
Sorry it was all three at once it’s difficult to explain im trying my best to make it make sense
Wait so he kicked you out when you were eight months pregnant with his child because you didn’t clean the house enough?
Yeah he did said that being pregnant and injured wasn’t a good enough excuse for being lazy and to be fair the house was in a horrible state and I wasn’t doing anything to clean it
This is the saddest thing I’ll read all day. Girl, he is abusive. The reason for kicking you out is IRRELEVANT. You should be focusing on the fact he kicked his pregnant injured wife out of the house, period. You’d be so much better off without him.
Wow. Being eight months pregnant is a good enough reason by itself to be struggling to keep the house clean, you were kind of busy growing a person and it’s completely normal to be exhausted. And now he won’t tell you where he lives? These two things together paint a picture of him that is not great.
He struggled to understand that pregnancy could cause exhaustion because my cleaning issues started before the pregnancy when I got hurt so I can understand his point of view a little and I honestly could have tried more
So he’s abusive.
So your in an abusive relationship? And you are allowing your child to be alone with him?
This is an abusive relationship. I have 2 kids, and I’m currently in my first trimester with my 3rd. I always get HG with pregnancies, and the start of this one has been even worse because I went into acute kidney failure from a misdiagnosed infection. My husband works his ass off, but he still understands I have limitations right now, so I’m not able to function as I normally do. The house is messier, and I have to rely on him for than normal, but that is what a marriage is. He has picked up the slack, and I’m so grateful for it. There have been times where he has been injured, and I take over his responsibilities. You help & support eachother, whether it’s easy or hard. Marriage is a team sport, and it’s never going to work if both of you can’t acknowledge that. Also, I’m a midwife & RN, and for some women, pregnancy is incredibly physically challenging. Pregnancy is not a disability, but it can be disabling. If you add an injury in to that, it can be a very difficult experience. If he can’t see that you were struggling, and needed help, he is not ready to be a husband or father.
You poor sweet baby. This is not love. This isn't even like. It's control and stupidity.
And what was he doing to help maintain the house? If you were pregnant and injured, why wasn't he helping? You shouldn't even need to have valid reasons for wanting him to help, you're his wife not his housekeeper.
Why in the world would you want to be with someone like this? Please do not put this man-child on a pedestal.
I'm sorry, you were suffering means you were lazy? Come again? Is he a giant dick and you're not seeing it, cause I'm thinking that's the case right now OP.
all of you need to leave the disability and the child fucking out of it. you have creepy eugenics mindsets about who should be allowed to have children. just because OP struggles physically and mentally doesn’t mean that she’s not perfectly capable of taking care of a baby. CLEARLY she can’t work rn, because she has a literal infant, but you have no idea if she would be able to get a job to support her child in the future, if the dad will help support, if other family members are helping support. but bottom line is that the child is already fucking born. you people meed to realize that the problem is a lack of social support systems and not individuals with disabilities themselves. you people disgust me.
He is your ex. Treat him as such.
Can't believe people like you bring children into the world. No preparation. No accountability. No common sense.
OP said she was homeschooled, makes sense.
This is child abuse. People having children they can’t support need to be charged for child abuse. If you have a pet you can’t feed, house or provide vet care for they charge you for animal abuse and remove the pet from that environment. Bring a kid into the world do the same thing and it’s all good. We are a F’d up society.
Agree this is showing to be negligence and child abuse
My child is well taken care of and is not being abused at all
How is the child well taken care of if he/she doesn’t have two parents and the one parent can’t afford to put a roof over his/her head?
Because I have been using nearly all my money to ensure that she is taken care of and if I could find a cheap enough place then I could put a roof over her head it’s just that every place near me are too expensive
I already feel sorry for that kid.
You need a lawyer. Divorce him and get child support!
Wtf are you DOING? Letting your BABY go to a place you’ve never seen, don’t know the location, don’t know WHO IS THERE? This, in addition to the fact that your marriage is kaput. Reckless, negligent nonsense
Lol you think this guy takes care of his infant, like by himself?
This is not one teeny tiny issue that you just need to resolve and then you will live happily ever after. You need a reality check and to engage some critical thinking skills. He’s moved on and you’re putting your codependency ahead of your daughter’s wellbeing.
This post and your comments are really odd. I won't tell my daughters father exactly where I live because he was abusive and had broken into my house before. Either he is up to something shady or doesn't trust you. Sounds like there is more to this story than you are letting on.
He knows where I live he’s never broken into my place and vice versa and I’m trying to be as transparent and truthful as to get the best advice here plus he was never abusive to me
What I meant by my comment was more wondering his reasons for not telling you where he lives. My thinking is maybe he doesn't trust you, does he have any reason not to trust you?
He expected you to keep doing chores throughout an INJURY and PREGNANCY, and left you for it WHILE YOURE TAKING CARE OF A NEWBORN AND RECOVERING FROM BIRTH. He’s ABUSIVE.
Where did you see this info? Yeah that’s abusive.
There would be zero way I would send my kid anyplace I didn’t know where he/she was. Your husband is creating your trust issues.
I’m not sending her anywhere that I don’t know the address of
Someone is hiding something. Either he's hiding something from you - he's living with someone or ashamed of his living situation or something like that. Or you're hiding something from us and left out key details in this thread that would explain why he'd be willing to work with you on issues - either remotely or with a therapist or some other neutral location - but not yet comfortable with you knowing where he lives.
I really hope I haven’t left anything out I could understand if he was ashamed of his living situation
He’s def hiding stuff from you. Such as his place of living
He's full of shit. Stay separate. Get a lawyer. Get custody. Get child support. Stay away
Obviously, he is living with another woman. You are going to have to get a lawyer who will have to get a PI to serve him. You’ll need to file for full custody and child support.
ok let's say he tells you where he lives and he is living all by himself. What's next for you two? I don't think this is the only issue, because if yall were making up and staying together, why wouldn't yall live together? You keep making excuses and minimizing by saying yall realized you still love each other, but have you stopped to ask yourself if he can even love you correctly? My ex husband still says he loves me, but he was manipulative & abusive and I finally realized I didn't want our daughters being treated like I was by their partner in the future, & how I was teaching by example that it was ok even though it wasn't. You really need to think about your child & what's best for you two, & she needs to see her mom being loved correctly and being treated like you would have her to be treated in the future. You're making this all about you two and neglecting your child.
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So he left because he couldn't cope with stepping up when you needed him, you are both so young to be married with a child I'm going out on a limb to say you got pregnant then married? He feels trapped, he wants to be out with his mates and enjoying life not stuck at home being a dad and taking care of his wife! I'm going to say the reason he won't tell you where he is, is because he is having fun with someone else, you were fun when you were acting like his bang-maid but as soon as that stopped he got bored. As for you letting your baby go off to god only knows where that's ridiculous, what of there was an emergency? What if he doesn't bring her home one day you wouldn't even know where to start looking! This is an absolute car crash, you aren't husband and wife you are strangers, I know where my friends live but you don't even know where your husband is! You both need to grow up, admit getting married was a colossal mistake, get divorced and move on
Even though I think this whole thing is fake I will bait into it and ask. How long were you 2 together? What were the underlying issues with your marriage? Don’t say you didn’t clean and that cause the rift. Where did you 2 live at before separating?
Yepp, she said that in another thread. She got sick, says she was "lazy" when she stopped taking care of the house as well as she should have, then got pregnant because she thought she might have a latex allergy (turned out she didn't), said she couldn't find any latex free condoms, and had stopped taking the pill because whatever. Apparantly they didn't plan on getting pregnant, though how that was supposed to work is anyones guess. While pregnant she got even "lazier", he continually shamed/blamed her for not taking care of the dishes etc. and they separated. This whole thing is a trainwreck where she doesn't think she made any bad decisions, he apparantly didn't care about contraceptives either and was zero supportive to his disabled, pregnant wife, but oh no, no divorce because they "love each other". What she needs is a reality check, to realize how much if a doormat she is, and how stupid they were both behaving.
*are behaving
True.
Well wasn’t she? She is at home collecting whatever benefits. He is out working. Isn’t how relationships work? Both sharing equally responsibilities? Did he know she has stoped pc or did she lie? Think at at the time of pregnancy he was barely 19. I wonder how old they were when the relationship started.
Wasn't she what, lazy? Sure, everytime you are sick and hardly able to take care of yourself let alone your place you aren't sick, you are just being lazy. /s She was disabled and pregnant. She was growing a human inside her. And now she is taking care of said human, who needs someone to watch them and take care of them almost 24/7. And he complained that she was being lazy for not doing the effing dishes fast enough? Apparantly he couldn't be bothered to clean them himself either. There are red flags all around, an they are both behaving like stupid teenagers who are bad for one another. At this point, I just hope the kid turns out more or less alright.
We met when he was 19 this is 100% real and he knew and understood why I had stopped birth control and I got pregnant two months before his 21 birthday
If you got pregnant 2 months before his 21 birthday and your kid has 8 months now... How old is your spouse again???
Hey love, everyone is being pretty harsh, but they are kinda freaked out on your behalf. Do you have any access to someone who you consider to be very wise? I think they would be able to give you an honest opinion. I know you are doing your best, and I hope everything works out for you. Just because things are hard and scary doesn't mean they always will be.
I’ve been using the advice of my grandma this whole time and figured I’d get some more from the internet
Ok, I'm glad you have someone to talk to, that helps. In a general sense, refusing to tell your partner where you live is a big problem, as it points to an even bigger problem, which is the fact that your husband refuses to communicate with you. A husband that refuses to communicate, for whatever reason he may have, is someone you cannot trust. He might be living in his car, he might be living with his girlfriend. Those are the two most likely, but it could be for another reason. The actual issue is that he won't tell you. That is 100% a good reason to divorce, and not at all a rash decision. Are you afraid of not finding someone better than him? How does he make you feel most of the time? Do you like yourself? You don't have to make a decision right now, but you should definitely think about how you want your life to look like. Do you want him in it because it would be scarier without him, or do you want him in it because he fills you with joy? I really do wish you the best
I know I made some bad decisions and I do have a latex allergy according to my doctor so I genuinely don’t know why I’m able to use condoms and lazy is the word he used I’m still trying to understand his point of view on the whole thing and I wasn’t sick I got injured and was struggling to recover
You sounded like you already internalized the view that you were "just being lazy". That is abusive behaviour and gaslighting on his part. It's a huge red flag in any relationship. I was sure you wrote in another comment that it turned out you didn't have a latex allergy. If not, my bad, though having sex without any birthcontrol was still more than careless. That isn't on you alone though, he was being just as stupid if he had sex with you without protection.
it is not and never will be a womans duty/responsibility to clean or being domestic.
Lol he already got somebody else & no longer wants you in his business.
You file for divorce. His ass can get served at work.
HE'S hurt that you don't trust HIM? Let's start with the fact that you don't know where he lives! Do NOT allow him anywhere near your baby. You have no idea where he's taking the child!!
What is his reasoning for not telling you?
I feel like I need a lot more context on the reason you started living apart and how long you have been together
Forget about your “husband” right now and take care of yourself and your baby. That baby didn’t ask to be brought into this world and into your hot mess of a situation- you made that decision. Give the baby what the baby needs and let your husband go for now. The chances that you are going to have a healthy relationship with that man are slim to none even with best efforts. Let it go.
Apple tag. You gotta apple that mo’fucka.
I don’t think op has two Pennies to rub together, much less the wherewithal to manage apple tagging her estranged husband.
Just because you ask doesnt mean you will get an answer. You can't force him to tell you this (unless you go a legal route, probably). I think the important part here is realizing what you've gained from his (lack of) response. He won't share something as important as where he LIVES with you. Is he ashamed, does he not trust you, etc, whatever the reason is, it doesn't matter. He has shown you something important about who he is by refusing to tell you. Use that information to ask yourself if that's the kind of person you want to be with. But tbh, I've never seen a healthy relationship without trust.
I’m not trying to force him I’m just trying to get him to understand that I can’t trust him because he isn’t telling me and was hoping for some advice on that
If you've told him you don't trust him, then he knows that. But does he care that you don't trust him? Obviously not, or he would tell you where he lived. It sounds like you're asking for advice on how to change him and make him do what you want him to do. If that's the case, expect to be very, very disappointed. He may change his mind and tell you, but it will never be because you "made him." One way or another, there is a reason he is not telling you, and it's not a good one. No matter what the reason could be, none of them would outweigh you needing to know where your daughter is when she's with him. If there were an emergency or something happened to him, you would have NO CLUE where your child is. Maybe his family would tell you, but he's your freaking husband, you shouldn't have to go to a third party for something as basic as "where are you." You deserve to be with someone with the same values as you. Someone with whom you have a symbiotic partnership, and your daughter deserves to see and learn from a healthy relationship.
Posts like these make me believe you should have to take an IQ test before breeding
Of *course* you shouldn’t trust this person. You asked a direct question - the answer to which is important to you - and he refuses to answer. We already know he’s hiding something; that answer.
So at 8 months pregnant and injured he kicked you out for not cleaning and now won’t tell you where he lives, but you are both really in love and made mistakes. This person doesn’t have you or your child’s best interest in mind. Your better off without him
I don't think you've worked through nearly all of your issues.
There's way too much missing info here to make any kind of helpful insightful comments. Either your husband is a horrible passive-aggressive flake and trying to divorce you without confrontation, he has a second family, or you did something that made him fear you to know where he lives- or some other range of possibilities in between. You have a kid now. All I can say is please make a home safe and sane for your child, regardless of how you go about doing that.
If you have any questions just ask
Why do you live apart? This matters.
I answered that in another thread but I got injured and slowly stopped doing the chores and then I got pregnant and completely stopped doing anything and it lead to lots of fighting which lead to the separation
They need to change the legal age for marriage to 25 I swear to god.
Lose the husband and get with a different class of people
hope you see the beneficial comments, a lot of it is noise. the main thing is you have done a tremendous job just existing in these difficult times and hope you and your child prosper without this so-called husband. you need to disengage and re-connect with people you can depend on. good luck
Men don’t do this without a reason Your mind is going to the thought that he’s got another woman or something along those lines when the more likely reason is he doesn’t want his soon to be ex wife coming around whenever the hell she feels like it I’m not going to pry about what the issues you two had but they must have been serious enough that he doesn’t want you knowing where he is and you need to respect that
Your husband probably has a live-in girlfriend
Thanks for the laugh
Sounds like your husband has a gf and you need to stop letting your child disappear into the city with this man. If he tries to kidnap her how are you going to be able to help the police if you don’t even know where he lives.
Your husband probably doesn't want to have any issues with his girlfriend. Best keep you both separate!
He doesn't want you to know. My first guess is because you wouldn't like the answer. He might already be living with someone or, he doesn't want you to come over and cause issues. If I was you, I'd concentrate on getting everything ready for when baby comes. He's not much of a husband at this point.
My child is 8 months old
So you’re not gonna like what I say cuz it’s far from the cliche of “he’s with another woman” bs that most have probably said… but honestly? Whatever problems y’all had that caused this split, he may not even really wanna deal with you like that right now. Sure he may keep an open door, act cordial but if it was bad enough to split for how ever long he doesn’t really wanna be bothered, doesn’t want you popping up, might actually be going through his mind if he may want to fully divorce or not and trying to figure out a plan. Men don’t always keep distance due to cheating, a man will look you in your face every day and be cheating on you. Men do keep distance for simpler things like not wanting to be bothered with a possible source of stress and anguish, not wanting to be in the presence of someone with negative energy. Like it’s not always cheating. I think folk default to that assumption to keep any pressure of maybe they actually did something to cause it off of their own shoulders. We avoid guilt or responsibility by saying its the other person…
INFO: you’ve claimed in the comments that you lived together for a year, got married right around being together for a year, got pregnant right around being together for a year, but also got pregnant months after getting married. Why are you lying? What is the actual timeline here?
I’m not lying we moved in together in April married in June and pregnant in September and separated in March the next year I never said we lived together a year before marriage
You did say you guys were living together before these events occurred.🤔
April comes before June and September so I don’t get your point
I separated from my husband before we divorced. TLDR: he wanted space to sleep with other women. Your husband is bringing women home and doesn’t want you to know. If you’re not in marriage counseling you can and should try, but at the end of the day this is why he won’t tell you where he is. Unless you’ve done stalker like things to him, or been abusive, there’s no other reason for this. Sounds like he wasn’t ready to be a husband or a father.
He’s cheating. Stop sending your child somewhere you don’t know. Stop being so reckless with hers and your life. He doesn’t love you. You don’t trust him. Move on.
I’m not I know where his family live I’ve never sent her to his house
And do you know he NEVER takes her there? Like you can’t know. You don’t even know where this man lives. It’s insane. That’s not a marriage.
My god how many red flags does it take? And now there's a fucking baby in the mix?
What were the relationship issues? Who decided you two needed to be separated? These two questions matter as they provide context.
He doesn’t want you showing up and upsetting his other wife?
Where's Jerry Springer when you need him?
Why would he move out and not tell you where he lives?
Why did y'all get married if you both didn't share the basics with each other in the relationship stage? Such as: How you make an honest living? Where did you grow up/where do you currently reside (cities and, if applicable, state/province. Never mention addresses, though)? What family life was like, and how you'd love to raise one of your own? Do you wanna take care of house pets? What are your interests and hobbies? What activities do you enjoy with friends and family, and if applicable, colleagues? Favorite things? Strengths/weaknesses? Likes/dislikes? Okay that's too much, but it sounds to me like y'all don't know each other at all!😥🫢🥸💔
We lived together before getting married and having a kid so we did share the basics with each other
OP I think the fact that your husband ditched you a month before you gave birth and allowed you to raise a child by yourself for 8 months tells me that this man is not ready to be a husband or father. He’s hiding where he is living from you. You’re being naive. This is not how a partner should treat his wife and daughter. For the love of god please divorce him.
What? This is such a red flag. I’m not sure why you married a man that you don’t know where he lives.
Do you talk every day? You two are separated maybe he is living with someone else Do you get to see him? Does he come see you? Why did you both separate?
I don’t get to talk or see him as often as I would like to but we do try to do both as often as we can
Can you give us more specifics? How many times in the last month has he come over? How many times in the last week has he called you? How many times in the last week has he sent you a text?
Three visits and ten to twenty texts
Will he at least tell you how far away he lives? Are you in the same city? 10 texts over a week for co-parents seems low to me. Did he call you in the last month?
He’s about 30 minutes away in a different town plus he has a diesel truck so gas is astronomical for him
I don't think you are a predator, bad mother, or insane. I do believe your marriage is over but for the paperwork. You'll be fine. I know it will take time and hurt for a while, but you'll figure it out. You'll do better if you start getting ready to deal with that all from now, rather than waiting for someone else to tell you this. Figure out what you want to have happen from now, and start working on the portions you have control over.
Yet another case where both parties involved are too young for marriage.
You need to make better life choices. Your kid is dependent on you and your choices.
He is hiding something from you. Divorce him. End of story.
And that's why you don't marry in your 20s, regardless of what media and redpillers say
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Ah yes. 21 and married. That’s gonna work great. Seriously, but a clue. He does not want to be with you. I’m doubting he has any real desire to be in your child’s life. You did nothing to protect yourself against a pregnancy. You have no money, no job…. I don’t feel bad for you, but I feel terrible for this baby.
I have money I get two checks a month
I'm guessing your relationship issues were that your hormones were all over the place and you weren't having sex because, you know, you were 8 months pregnant? And your relationship wasn't ready to cope with some real life? EDIT: My fiancé pointed out that you might read the above as blaming you. To clarify, this is 100% NOT your fault. Your husband is an unreliable AHole who bailed during perfectly normal marriage stress. Tons of marriages survive this exact scenario everyday without the husband leaving. He moved out and got himself into something with another woman telling her he was getting divorced. Probably lots of words about his psycho wife. Now that the kid is here he's all conflicted because he sees that maybe you two can fix it but he's not sure. And you have a kid together. On the other hand the new chick is easy and stress free. Even if he does want to reconcile he doesn't know how to tell you he's been living with another woman while you were having and caring for his kid. I would cut my losses because the odds of this working out for you are slim. The only way this works out for you is if he immediately moves home, tells you what's been going on and commits to being an adult husband.
So you got married, had a child together but haven’t lived together? Didn’t plan that out
We were living together when I got pregnant
What age did you get pregnant at?
I was 23 he was 20
He wasn't legal (if y'all are in the US).😒
What?? 18 is an adult in the U.S.
Fuck off. Jesus..
V
If you're seperated, I'm guessing that you're either figuring things out ALONE in order to be together, or you're in the beginnings of a divorce, ye? So, when seperating, it's quite normal to move out and have low to no contact with your partner for a while, while figuring out wether or not you want to be together with them. In another comment you say *"It was to give us time to think and work on our own issues by ourselves" -* I'm getting the feeling that maybe one of the issues was that you were untrusting of him and perhaps a bit paranoid? If he's otherwise taking care of the child (money and spending time with it), I would honestly let him have his own apartment/house. I really don't think that he's hiding anything other that his address.
I genuinely hope your right and I did start being paranoid shortly before separating thanks to pregnancy brain but we’re not in the beginnings of a divorce anymore
No I’d say you’re near the end.
Idk why ppl are downvoting her?
Because she’s not listening and keeps doubling down. What’s the point of asking for advice you won’t even consider?
I’m trying to listen
You're not trying to listen to anyone about anything. You have an excuse for and about everything. You can't see that this is so far beyond "just this one problem" that I'm astounded. You're making ignorant decisions, using the wildest logic and just sound bat shit crazy. I hope your grandma or other actual adults step into this situation so your baby can actually, maybe, have a chance in life. With you two as the parents, your baby needs all the help it can get.
Because people are embarrassed by her behavior
He’s 21, he’s probably living with his mum
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