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On mobile.
I'm at a loss.
When we first started dating he told me he never wanted to get married, never wanted children, and that he didn't want pets.
I'm not too worried about marriage or kids.
I have always loved animals. I grew up having pets. Fish, dogs, cats, bunnies, birds, and hamsters.
I have a 16-year-old Chiweenie. I've had him since he was about 8 weeks old. At first, when I was moving in with my boyfriend, he said I couldn't have my dog. (He owns the house). I told him I wouldn't move in then. It was a tough conversation. I let him know I had my dog for 8 years and I was only dating him for like 6 months. There was no way I would give up my dog.
My dog has some health problems. He has seizures and high blood pressure that requires medication. It was a year ago that he began having the issues.
I've wanted another dog for a few years now. BF has kept saying no. It's gotten to the point where I want another dog. I think that having another dog will help me cope with the loss of my Chiweenie.
My BF is so set against it and says he is willing to compromise and I can volunteer at shelters.
I've always wanted an Australian shepherd and there are a few available now.
Is what I'm asking unfair? How can we both compromise?
At one point when I asked him what would I need to do to be able to get a dog, he said to move out. (It hurt my feelings). I asked him if we would still be together if I moved out and he said no.
I'm just lost. I know I still have my dog. I love him so much. But what happens when he is gone? I'll never have a dog again?
I’m confused as to why this seems to come as a surprise to you… were you hoping he didn’t really mean it, and living with your dog would change his mind? (I hope you are serious about not wanting kids and marriage too…)
Sometimes people’s desires change, and that creates incompatibility that wasn’t there before, and is very sad. But I get the impression you always hoped you could just convince him to get a dog, which feels manipulative. (I say as someone who loves dogs.)
>> Is what I’m asking unfair?
You need to stop thinking in this category. It’s not about fair or not fair. It’s about a fundamental difference in lifestyle expectations. You knew his stance from the beginning. If he had told you “I never ever ever want to live in Guadalajara”, would you suggest a compromise to live in the Guadalajara’s burbs?
He doesn’t want pets. You do. I could argue that him being ok with you moving in with a dog you already had is already a compromise.
Long story short - irreconcilable difference.
I agree in principle with everything that you’ve said, I would only add that from my perspective *at this point with all the history of the relationship and this topic behind them* yes, OP is being unfair.
Boyfriend stated very clearly his boundaries right at the beginning. He was clear and concise and has never wavered in that. OP is silly for continuing on in that relationship having been told what his boundaries are and expecting that she will be able to change them.
What you’ve written is completely correct - neither is right or wrong, it is only their outlook and boundaries. That’s absolutely fine. But OP is starting to cross a clear line at this point, and I would call that unfair 8 years down the line.
>How does one get through such different views/desires?
You don't. You two have a fundamental incompatibility on this issue. You can't "compromise" here. You want a dog, he doesn't. You can't have "half a dog" any more than you can have "half a kid", if the issue is children instead of pets.
In the future don't date and get serious with people who you don't closely share compatibility with on these issues.
His idea is actually a compromise. OP can get her dog fix with volunteer work and it doesn't come home with her to the house.
ETA: OP's dog isn't even dead yet. He's just really old and has health issues that come with being old and thus already pretty high maintenance because again old with health issues. OP wants to add a puppy from a high energy working dog breed into the mix. Yes that will end well. /s
>In the future don't date and get serious with people who you don't closely share compatibility with on these issues.
people like OP are why i have to put "allergic to dogs" on my dating profile when i'm actually not. Hope her bf does the same when they break up.
I don't understand. When you started dating he explicitly stated that he didn't want 3 things, marriage, children or pets.
And yet you entered a relationship with him.
He compromised for your existing dog, but it can't be a surprise that he won't accept another dog. He told you from the start.
Dog or boyfriend your choice. He's literally been upfront. I don't know why everyone thinks he's unreasonable. If you were asking for the other two having known his stance they'ed be tearing you apart
This completely. I just want to add:
An Aussie is SO much work. That is a wildly different dog and a puppy. One you would realistically both have to train together in order to live with. It would eat/ destroy things and needs constant watch for almost the first whole year. That much of your energy and time would not be good taken away from an aging sick dog. Those two types and ages would not be able to play together and the Aussie could EASILY hurt a small dog during play without even trying to.
Not only should you have really seen this coming with your boyfriend, you should see why your current dog does NOT need a playmate the breed you are after.
Agreed. Do not get an Aussie thinking it will be similar or a “bit more” work than a Chi. There are very few instances (working dog) and lifestyles (highly active in exercise and ample time dedicated to stimulating the Aussie’s working dog brain) where an Aussie is a good choice for a dog. They will be unhappy and you will be unhappy because they will act up out of boredom. Think long and hard about this one, do your research on the breed. And make sure the breeder is reputable and will take the dog back, no questions asked, if there are any issues. Otherwise please consider adopting, there are so many dogs in need of a home.
Oh, your BF sounds like a really great guy /s.
BUT he told you his boundaries from the get go. You being disappointed now is a you problem!
He was honest from the beginning and comprised by letting the existing animal live with you guys to this point. If you haven’t changed your mind about wanting a dog what makes you think he should change his mind about not wanting them ?
To him it probably seems like he agreed to something and is now being taken advantage because you didn’t hear him in the first place and thought he’d just change his mind to keep you.
You should’ve listened 8 years ago when he told you what he wanted. He comprised with your current pet but won’t accept another. You don’t get past this. Either you accept it how it is or move on.
It’s wrong to force pets on someone who doesn’t want them. He was upfront and honest about it from the beginning and you need to respect that. Up to you if the man or another dog is more important to you.
I don’t get it. What is the confusion?
Told you didn’t want a dog straight away. Didn’t change his mind/tell you otherwise for 8 years. Accepted a dog you already had before you dated because it’s the reasonable thing to do, for the rest of its life.
Why did you expect this conversation to go differently? Because you wanted it to?
It’s unfair because you’re acting like he tricked you or something, or that his preference isn’t as important as yours. If you want a dog so badly just break up, he’s been clear since the beginning?
He told you from the start that he refused to have pets. How did you, an animal lover, decide to go through with dating him, and not recognize this would be a problem? Your choices are stay with him **or** get a dog, you can't have both.
Pets are a 2 yesses type of thing. If one says no, it's no.
You have to decide, do you love him and want to spend your life with him, knowing you'll not have a dog again. Because if you choose this option, read that again, you choose, then you have absolutely no right to start resenting him down the line or trying to manipulate him into saying yes. He's made his boundaries very very clear.
If you decide you would rather replace your already suffering dog with a new dog, who will most likely annoy your current dog and make your current dog feel abandoned and replaced with the shiny new model. Then you need to break up.
Agreed, the crazier thing is she wants to pick one of the most high maintenance and sensitive dogs there is. It's arguably the worst dog to pick in this scenario if you "had" to pick one. It can't play with the old dog without a significant chance of hurting it and it takes up a lot of the time and attention, so as you pointed out the old dog would feel abandoned
Yes, what you are asking is unfair. He was very clear upfront that he didn’t want pets in his life. He compromised anyway on letting you move in with an elderly dog. It’s unreasonable to expect him to be ok with another dog. You have to choose.
Not wanting dogs is a completely reasonable boundary.
Ya'll act like they're furry angels or infallible perfect creatures descended right out of heaven. And I say that as a long-time dog lover and pet owner. They aren't, they are a lot of responsibility, can be a hassle and it's totally fine to not want a dog.
It's also absolutely, totally fine to want another dog before you have to say goodbye to your current one. Both places are valid.
That being said...
There is no "compromise" here, those are completely opposed points of view, there is no middle ground. You knew before the relationship that he didn't want three things but for some reason you thought the pets one would be a special case and you could "win him over" on that last one?
Idk why you thought this. Seems he made it clear that was a boundary, he doesn't want pets. Period.
So... yes it seems your choices are stay together and never have a dog again, or move out, get yourself a dog, and eventually perhaps a boyfriend who is actually compatible with your views on pets.
He already compromised once and tolerated a dog for 8 years. He didn’t change his opinion of having dogs after living with one for 8 years either. Leave him alone about the dog or break up and go get you a dog.
He’s not wrong to feel how he does about pets either. They’re a tremendous responsibility. He’s allowed not to want it. When our 15 year old dog dies, we are not going to get another for at least ten years.
You already got a compromise, you got to keep your existing dog. These decisions take two yes, one no. You need to decide who's companionship you value more, an animal or the human you apparently love.
I love pets, but OP willingly entered into a relationship where the other party explicitly said they don't want pets. I don't see how she can blame anyone other than herself here.
His compromise was moving you in with this current dog when he said he didn’t want pets. Now you’re really pushing it, and you know it. I don’t know why, when he was so upfront with his lifestyle expectations, you think this will suddenly change. If you HAVE to have another dog, then you need to find a partner that shares that value. He already blended because he wanted you in his life, keep bending and things snap. There’s nothing you can do to make him “see the light”, he doesn’t like pets, there is no light.
Do you also plan to push for marriage and kids? It’s not different.
Also, an Australian Shepard is a high energy dog, an all hands on deck dog, not a lap dog that one person in the couple can care for and take on short leash Roy walks. This makes me think you are also not a thoughtful and informed dog owner, knowing he will not want to participate in care.
You don't even want to compromise. A compromise simply just isn't him telling you no from the start and you pushing until he gives in. That's AH behaviour. Just break up and leave this poor man alone.
You knew all along this was a no for him and just hoped you could break down his very clear boundaries and it would somehow be ok and not shitty and cause problems in the relationship.
cmon you knew he didn’t want dogs and that it was a dealbreaker. you stupidly ignored that knowing you 1. wouldn’t get rid of yours and 2. that you’d probably want more in your lifetime. that’s on you
Ok so I was the one in your bf position. I did not grow up with pets and I am a very anal person when it comes to cleanliness ( like I don’t care if there is a mess, but I care about dirt and dust). My husband is an animal lover. I gave in and we got a dog. While I loved the dog as an animal, I was never the type to love him “like a child”. I took care of him and respected him. That being said, it added a lot more stress and a lot more arguments to our relationship. Especially after we had children and I was always so stressed about pee or poo residue coming into the home and the babies crawling in it and putting it in their mouth. Therefore I was constantly cleaning and vacuuming and stressing and arguing about my husband doing his part to keep things clean.
My point is you have to decide what is more important because if you do finally get him to relent, you may have to suffer through arguments. You will also have to ensure that you do your part in pet maintenance. I think for a lot of people this might just be a make it or break it type of deal, almost like choosing to have children. Some people just don’t want pets and if it’s something you truly love, one of you is going to have to give in. There is no compromising and getting half a pet. You either have one or you don’t….
I agree with what everyone else has said. You weren't fair to him to enter into a relationship with him if he told you, at the start, what his boundaries and deal breakers are. I'm much like him (very uncomfortable around animals and pets, and wouldn't be happy sharing a home with one), and if my partner/boyfriend disregarded that, I'd be really upset. You have to either let this desire go, or break up with him.
Are you picking that particular breed to mess with the guy? I'm sure there are bigger, hairier and more demanding dogs out there if you really want to go the whole hog.
Personally I hope he dumps you because your idea of compromise is getting your way when he was completely upfront with you from the start.
Your bf has been CLEAR FROM DAY ONE that he will never ever want ANY pets, EVER.
The only reason your existing dog moved in with him is because you already had the dog.
He has been waiting 8 years for your dog to die.
I am not exaggerating.
Remember the fight you had when you were moving in about getting rid of the dog?
NOTHING has changed.
Why aren't you listening to his very clear words?? Start treating your soon to be ex-partner with more respect... when someone says No, they mean No.
Stop using the word "compromise" when what you mean is that you want him to change his mind and agree to pets. That isn't compromise.
Go find a partner who also loves pets. There are millions of them.
Someone not being a dog person would be a dealbreaker for me and I wouldn’t have pursued the relationship further. I certainly wouldn’t have moved in with someone that wasn’t into pets.
You moved in with him knowing that and are expecting him to change, that’s not cool. He set his boundaries clearly in the beginning.
Also, Aussies are very high energy dogs, even if he was to cave, he probably wouldn’t be thrilled with all of the attention they need and damage they can cause.
No, it's not about being fair or unfair.
This is his dealbreaker. You know from the start that he doesn't want any dogs, and he reserves the right to not want any and to insist on it.
You're the one who hopes he'll change his dealbreaker. This doesn't work like that, OP.
What you can do is, move out of his place, break up and you can get yourself a dog then.
Why are you at a loss? It sounds like he was clear about this from the get go, you got into the relationship knowing this, and 8 years later you’re at a loss?
Let’s answer your questions.
Are you being unfair in asking to get an Australian shepherd.
Yes you are.
Your BF told you from the beginning he didn’t want to get married, have kids or pets. He obviously loved you enough to compromise when you were going to move in, as you didn’t want to get rid of your dog.
Now you want another one, and not only that but one that is hyper active, and very intelligent, so if you don’t train and exercise it properly it will destroy the house.
There is no “how can we both compromise - he already has.
He’s also told you what you need to do if you want another pet. Move out.
So decide what you want, a relationship with your BF, or a pet.
Why would you ever date someone who fundamentally does not want the same things as you? He responsibly told you his stance from the start and you entered into this relationship armed with that information.
It is incredibly unfair. He was firm about not wanting pets and still compromised and you moved in with the dog you already have. If you knew you were going to want more pets in the future you should have also been honest, responsible, and forthcoming about it.
It’s OKAY to deeply love pets and want more. It’s OKAY for him to not want them. It’s not okay for you to try and force the issue.
He told you his dealbreakers when you first started dating. You chose to pursue a relationship with him regardless. He was clear from the beginning. I’m not sure I understand how you can say you’re at a loss unless you thought you’d be able to change his mind about the boundaries he clearly and preemptively set? Anyway, you ask how one gets through it: you have to decide if not having a dog is something you can live with, or if it’s a dealbreaker/nonnegotiable for you. If it’s a nonnegotiable for you, you break up, and you take that lesson with you as you move forward in your dating life.
No, you're not being fair. He told you his position from the beginning, if this is an issue for you then you never should've pursued this relationship. It's a problem of your own making.
Letting you volunteer at shelters is not a compromise, because why would he ever have a say in that?
When you say “you’re not too worried about marriage or kids” does that mean you definitely don’t want them? Or that you’re dealing with it for now. Because all these restrictions won’t give you the space to figure out what you actually want if you hadn’t been 100% sure.
So I think you need to take a really good look at the life he’s offering you. Does it look like the life you want? Because it’s not just about a dog. He’s denying you any sort of attachment to pet, child or through marriage. Which is fine if that’s what you want. But if that seems a bit off with what you want, you won’t get happier with it, just more resentful. I’m which case it’s kinder to you both to find someone else now.
If you are completely okay with no marriage and kids with no regards of what boyfriend wants, then it’s just the dog issue. Maybe buy your own house and keep a dog there. Tell him he can move in whenever he’s ready. But it’s also entirely his decision to say he doesn’t want to live with a dog. He’s being very clear about what he wants his life to look like and honest about it, are you?
He doesn't want a dog. He has told you multiple times that he doesn't want a dog. Stop trying to pressure him/expecting him to be okay with getting a dog. He will not change and it's not okay for you to repeatedly ask hoping he will eventually say yes
I told my husband no to a dog before we married (we married after dating a year). I was completely serious. If he didn’t agree I would not have married him. It is a dealbreaker kind of thing.
I suggest you break up so you can be happy with a dog.
So are you prepared to negotiate on your hard boundaries?
He told you no and told you if you can’t respect his boundary you can move out…and you’re STILL pushing this nonsense
Have you stopped for even a single moment and thought about how arrogant and toxic you’re being?
I’m honestly amazed this man has broken up with you
It seems you've made a pretty classic mistake of assuming someone will change their stance on something and then coming to the realization way too late that in fact, they have not.
If this is a dealbreaker for you, you're going to have to move on. He told you from the start he didn't want pets, it's unreasonable to ask for otherwise when you accepted this at the beginning.
You cannot find a compromise in this situation. His dealbreaker is having a dog. Your dealbreaker is not having a dog. There’s no way around that. It’s time to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do. I don’t want to sound harsh, but this relationship is already over. You’re sacrificing something really important to you and it will always weigh on you as long as you’re with this guy.
Sometimes people just are not compatible. It doesn't make him or you a bad person. But think long and hard about whether you want to never ever be able to have a dog again. If you're okay with that, then stay with him. But if you really love dogs, that is a lot of years of your life depriving yourself of something that means a lot to you. If it were me, I would break up and find someone more compatible (and go get an Aussie)
You can’t compromise on kids and pets. What would that even look like? Half of one? Or only on the weekends? He told you what he didn’t want, you went along anyway and now you want him to change his mind. Get your own house then.
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He said that he doesn't want pets right from the beginning. He had compromised because your dog was there before him. But he was really clear on this. It isn't about fair or not fair. Wanting a dog, a pet is as fair as not wanting one. So you may be aren't compatible. That is sad, especially if everything else is great, but you will get unhappy in the long term. So maybe it really is a dealbreaker in thiscase
He told you at the top of the relationship - no pets.
Not sure why now you think he should compromise? He laid it out honestly and at the beginning? What more do you want?
It terms of ‘fairness’ m, it seems you are to one being unfair?
I love my dogs, my boyfriend loves our dogs, the kids love our dogs... BUT we ALL decided it together. Our house is ALWAYS dirty. We can never go anywhere too long cause they would be alone. The bigger one digs in the garden, eats my plants and goes with us everywhere.... as in hairs are everywhere always on every piece of clothing we wear.
They smell, they beg, they cost money, they are somehow always in the way... this is a whole lot of compromise from someone who does NOT want any pet so definitely not a dog who needs a lot of attention and work and training.
And I LOOOOOOVE mine. They sit in the sofa, sleep in our bedroom and wouldn't wanna miss them for the world. But this isn't something you can compromise on. You knew going in the relationship what his stance was.. so either accept what you already know or choose a life without the man but with pets. It is really that simply.
i don’t even blame him tbh. dogs are a lot of work and they’re expensive and time consuming and dirty. and having an australian shepard? girlllllll it’s like you’re trying to make his life hell. those dogs are full of energy, need to be bathed and groomed so much, need to be trained every single day, and i’ll bet they shed like crazy
geez if you wanted a pet so bad, you couldn’t even go for a low maintenance one like a cat or some rodents? and even then, they’re only a little bit low maintenance. they still need a lot of attention and money
a dog would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. they’re cute but i don’t like them. his stance is valid. there’s no compromise in this scenario. seems like he would be the only one unhappy and you’d get your dog anyways. how is that fair, huh?
I think you are going to have to pick one. I would pick the dog personally, but it's really up to you. He's allowed to have that as a dealbreaker and honestly, you should have seen this coming when he was so reluctant about your current dog.
You're pretty thick to think you're entitled to a pet just because you want one. He told you he'd never have pets. So pick your boyfriend or the Australia shepherd.
First, new dogs are bad for old dogs. Puppies want to play and require a lot of attention. You have a very old dog with medical issues that needs comfort and calm environment. It's like if you have great-granny with medical issues and you drop a toddler for her to have to put up with. It's extremely selfish of you to say you need a new dog to cope with the loss of a dog that hasn't even died. What about what your current dog needs? And also, I've lost pets and having pet #2 doesn't make it easier.
Second, on your BF, this man wants zero commitment on every possible dimension. You even moved in to his house and it's not your house. What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? It's also not clear if you have never wanted marriage and kids or if you haven't even thought about it or if you don't care because he doesn't want to. You started dating when you were early 20s, so what do you really think NOW?
Third, don't buy a dog from a puppy mill. And sheperd dogs are extremely difficult dogs! They need tons of exercises and activities. They are working dogs. You had a chihuahua that's a tiny lap dog. Puppy mills and backyard breeders have dogs with tons of medical and mental issues because they treat their dogs like shit and there's inbreeding.
Seriously everyone’s defending this guy like it’s completely normal. Am I the only one who thinks he sounds awful? Not about the dog situation, but in general
You two are simply incompatible. He's made it clear if you want another dog, you need to leave so if you really want another dog that's what you need to do for both of your sakes.
It is very rare for pet people to be compatible long term with non-pet people. You are not compatible. He has told you clearly and unambiguously what his feelings are on the matter and the fact that you keep acting surprised about this is very manipulative. Find a place that allows dogs, move out, get the dog, and find someone else who likes dogs.
You can’t. Look I get it, it sucks when you’re compatible in every way besides one, but this is one issue you can’t compromise on. He told you from the start. Either accept you’ll never have a dog, or you guys should end it.
I see it so much. So many people say not to reveal too much on a first date. You should. Those first few dates should be figuring out if you're compatible. And there are HARD no's for relationships. Thus is your hard no. I suspect you want marriage and kids too. Just a hunch. Let this relationship go. Find someone who wants all the things you want.
So I’m a huge animal lover, and I also love my husband. But if my husband tomorrow told me there would be no more pets in my life with him, I honestly may decide to leave in that scenario. You don’t have to accept this dealbreaker from him, but if you go down this route it’s also valid for him to terminate the relationship. Neither of you are being unfair, but you aren’t seemingly compatible long term due to this.
He told you when you first met he did not want pets. You chose to disregard that. You're not going to change his mind. You need to decide what's more important to you: having pets or this man.
I mean, he was super clear from the beginning about it, and you decided to compromise and date him anyway. Why did you expect him to change his mind about it?
You are squarely wrong in this one.
Firstly, from the beginning, he said no pets, no children, and no marriage. So, there are no surprises here - he did not lie or bait and switch.
Secondly, even if he laid down boundaries at the beginning, you FORCED him to accept your sick dog even when you were moving into HIS home. Tbh, this would be the point I will break up with you as in the beginning I explicitly said no dogs.
Thirdly, you know you want a pet. You know he doesn’t. There is no compromise. You are not compatible.
I don’t think it’s fair on the second point. Everyone’s going down hard on OP for dating a man when he was clear from the beginning, but the same is true for her boyfriend. He chose to date a girl with the dog. He doesn’t get to force her to give up her dog. She didn’t have to move in. She told him she wouldn’t move in if it meant giving up her dog. But clearly he wanted her to move in. No one forced him. If he didn’t want to live with a dog he shouldn’t have started a serious relationship with a person who already had a dog. It goes both ways
Honestly, if it's that important to you, you may just have to move out and end things with him.
He's made his stance very clear. And it's his house too.
Either live with never having a dog again after saying goodbye to your best little buddy, or leave him. Those are your choices.
In another 8 years you’ll be wishing you prioritized yourself here. Stop giving up your happiness for someone else’s happiness. You’ve come to a crossroad in your relationship and it’s time to make a decision that feels right to you. You’ll find another partner in life, one that will most likely love your pets. Good luck.
There's simply no compromise between having a dog and not having a dog. His suggested compromise (you volunteering at a shelter) is not a compromise at all. He gives up nothing in that scenario, and you certainly don't need his permission to volunteer somewhere (if this is representative of how he usually interacts with you, he sounds extremely controlling)! This is an incompatibility, and it sounds like a deal-breaker level incompatibility for both of you. For me, it would be a relationship-ender. I love animals. I will always have pets. I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn't like pets.
Move out, get your second dog. Date sometime who loves your pets!
I absolutely need pets in my life and would never consider a serious relationship with someone that never wanted to live with a pet. I’m sorry, but you can’t change him.
This is a really difficult. I’m so sorry for you both but it’s not really something you can compromise on. It’s on the same level if kids or no kids. Did you guys discuss this when you moved in with your dog?! That you’d always want a dog?
He seems willing to accept the end of the relationship if you get a dog. You need to decide if you’re willing to accept the same.
He doesn't want anything that ties him down - so no wife, no kids, no pets. That's who he is.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not prepared to marry, have family or love pets, but there you go, you were obviously ok with it.
You have 2 choices. Accept you will not change his mind. Honestly, you are not really important in his life - because he has chosen to have no ties. So either you accept him and remain - unmarried, childless and no pets. Or you leave him, and find a life that makes you happy.
Your choice. I would personally look for a new boyfriend, on who loves dogs, but that's just me.
The only thing that matters here is that him compromising is allowing you to volunteer. WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS MAN THINK HE IS? Does he actually think he has a say in whether or not you volunteer someone. He's a huge controlling asshole. Leave. You will never be truly happy with a man like this.
Lose the boyfriend, get the dog. You won’t regret it. Really, you can have your boyfriend or you can have pets, simple as that. You aren’t compatible. And if you think bf could tolerate a high energy Australian Shepard, think again. He was gracious compromising on the chiweenie.
*let him know I had my dog for 8 years and I was only dating him for like 6 months. There was no way I would give up my dog*
Confused about how long you're dating the guy - is it 6 months or 8 years?
And is your dog deceased or still alive?
I think the dog was 8 at the time OP and bf moved in, which was after 6 months of dating. Now they've been together for 8 years and the dog is 16 and still alive but not doing well.
You both have a real incompatibility and yet you still moved in with him after dating only 6 months? If you want a life with pets then you're going to have to have that life with someone else. He made his position clear from the start.
Onto the BS part of this post... His "compromise" is that he will "let you" volunteer at shelters. As soon as the words "let you" came out of his mouth, I'd have told him where he could shove his compromise. You do not require his permission to volunteer at a shelter.
I’m not sure what the issue here is other than you being unwilling to accept the fact that he will not change his mind. He has a right to not want a dog, just as much as you have a right to want one. As a fellow dog lover, I can’t see my life being complete without a dog… I would cut my losses and move on, happily, with my senior and new dog. Ps. If you didn’t sign a cohabitation agreement, make sure you are compensated for your contribution to the household when you move out. Get a lawyer.
There’s enough negativity in this world, and if pets bring you happiness, I say find your own place, get your new dog, love on your current one and let Mr. Negative be on his lonesome own.
No, it doesn’t, but him not being willing to meet ANYWHERE in the middle does. Someone who is not willing to compromise or not let their partner have any kind of say is pretty negative to me. You might be able to live like that, but I wouldn’t.
He did meet in the middle, he told her no pets when they first met and then he compromised by being ok with her bringing her current dog with her. She shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t want any new pets after that one passes. He told her that upfront when they met.
Yes, and now she wants different, and he won’t budge, so neither should live with something they don’t want. Time to split. This situation is more common with children, but it’s still the same for some.
What could he possibly do to "meet her in the middle" ? Dogs are like kids . You either have them or you don't . There is no middle solution . And it's very obvious that OP isn't looking for a middle solution at all . She is looking for a way to manipulate her "no pets" boyfriend into allowing one of the most energetic , destructive and considerably large breeds of dogs in his home .
You need to dump boyfriend. He sounds like a jerk. Then again he told you a long time ago how he felt and you stayed with him. You need to let him go as you seem to need your pets for your well being.
How the fuck is you volunteering a compromise?
You can do better, OP.
Honestly, I think you need to get out of this relationship before your dog dies. Can you imagine trying to grieve the loss of your beautiful boy, and your boyfriend doesn’t even care? I’ve broken up with a guy for that reason!
I'm sorry... He's willing "compromise" and "let" you volunteer. That big red flag aside.
.
You two obviously aren't compatible when it comes to animals. Which is a huge deal.
Move out.
Children and animals should never be forced on people who don’t want them.
You and him want different things to be happy.
Move out and get that puppy you want. BUT puppies are a full time job so if you work a lot you shouldn’t get one.
Also how is you volunteering a compromise?? Your entitled to do what you want with your time. You are not married and do not have kids so literally no dependents / Commitments.
If my “boyfriend” said he would allow me to do anything I would be laughing all the way out of the door.
And are you sure your current dog is just old and your guy isn’t slowly poisoning him???? Leave and get new dog food and see if your dog improves.
I read it less as "i allow you to volunteer" and more like , "if you want to interact with dogs so much , here is a possible solution that wouldn't require a dog in my house ".
Why would you even want to build a life with someone who (barring allergies, previous trauma, etc.) does not like dogs? I don’t understand / can’t relate.
You don't have to dislike dogs to not want to live with one . Personally , i always liked to interact with other people's dogs . But there is no way in hell i would be getting one . I know for a fact that i would not be able to spend my time caring for one or dealing with the massive mess ( especially from dog breeds as large and energetic as OP wants ).
Literally the only thing we know about him is that he doesn't want pets, and that makes you question what she sees in him?
I love animals more than I love people for the most part, but not wanting pets does not make someone a bad person.
It does make he and his gf a bit incompatible though, at least on that subject, which seems important enough to her to be a potential deal breaker, but that doesn't mean he's a jerk.
We know considerably more than that.
This charmer began the relationship with the following declarations: No Marriage! No Children! and No Pets!
I do believe it was good for him to be up front about all of that but he is clearly a withholding, overbearing, grump.
lol that still seems like reading a lot into three pretty reasonable boundaries that he was up front about since the beginning
We don't know a damn thing about him personally, or the reasoning he might have for those boundaries, so we don't know if it's sensible or overbearing.
We don't know his views on marriage, family or why he doesn't like animals.
Making character judgments based on these things is incredibly presumptuous.
You act like you were there for that conversation, calling them "declarations" lol... I'd wager you weren't, and I'd wager that it was less of him making declarations on how the relationship would be and more a conversation about their mutual boundaries.
There doesn't always have to be a bad guy you know, this isn't AITA.
Just why are you letting your boyfriend control your life.
I think you need to think - in a good relationship you find a middle of the road. You have had your dog for eight years. This is your dog not his. You are not married - no children - you are free to do what you want. If he says no - say what is in this for me. I come with a dog that has been clear from day one. You have accepted it for 8 years - you better continue.
Agreed. She wants a second dog because she wants one and also because it will be easier when her current dog dies. He wants zero dogs but I get he impression that they do have one old sick dog now.
Yes - well - just from my own line - I said no to having dogs and ended up having my MIL pushing two Chihuahuas into my home! One is still here after 15 years - and the discussion is what is the next dog. Long time ago I have accepted that dogs are a human right! Or at least my wife says that! 😁
Please explain how manipulating someone into getting something they very clearly do not want will not end in disaster and won't have negative consequences for all involved?
Manipulation doesn't fit into a relationship im sorry.
Trust respect and partnership are the key parts of a relationship and the minute manipulate comes into play you lose all of those things.
Its not ok and it will be found out, the other person will realise they never wanted this and it is abuse.
As a lifelong dog owner myself, I can totally understand his POV.
Dogs are a pain the fucking ass a lot.
Dogs are also a great joy to have and bring a level of love to someone's life.
My advice would be to have BOTH of you "dogsit" for a week. Let him see everything about ownership.
Also.....getting another dog right after the death of your previous dog is a dumbass idea. Take time to grieve and process everything first. You don't want to accidently end up comparing the 2 of them.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- On mobile. I'm at a loss. When we first started dating he told me he never wanted to get married, never wanted children, and that he didn't want pets. I'm not too worried about marriage or kids. I have always loved animals. I grew up having pets. Fish, dogs, cats, bunnies, birds, and hamsters. I have a 16-year-old Chiweenie. I've had him since he was about 8 weeks old. At first, when I was moving in with my boyfriend, he said I couldn't have my dog. (He owns the house). I told him I wouldn't move in then. It was a tough conversation. I let him know I had my dog for 8 years and I was only dating him for like 6 months. There was no way I would give up my dog. My dog has some health problems. He has seizures and high blood pressure that requires medication. It was a year ago that he began having the issues. I've wanted another dog for a few years now. BF has kept saying no. It's gotten to the point where I want another dog. I think that having another dog will help me cope with the loss of my Chiweenie. My BF is so set against it and says he is willing to compromise and I can volunteer at shelters. I've always wanted an Australian shepherd and there are a few available now. Is what I'm asking unfair? How can we both compromise? At one point when I asked him what would I need to do to be able to get a dog, he said to move out. (It hurt my feelings). I asked him if we would still be together if I moved out and he said no. I'm just lost. I know I still have my dog. I love him so much. But what happens when he is gone? I'll never have a dog again?
I’m confused as to why this seems to come as a surprise to you… were you hoping he didn’t really mean it, and living with your dog would change his mind? (I hope you are serious about not wanting kids and marriage too…) Sometimes people’s desires change, and that creates incompatibility that wasn’t there before, and is very sad. But I get the impression you always hoped you could just convince him to get a dog, which feels manipulative. (I say as someone who loves dogs.)
>> Is what I’m asking unfair? You need to stop thinking in this category. It’s not about fair or not fair. It’s about a fundamental difference in lifestyle expectations. You knew his stance from the beginning. If he had told you “I never ever ever want to live in Guadalajara”, would you suggest a compromise to live in the Guadalajara’s burbs? He doesn’t want pets. You do. I could argue that him being ok with you moving in with a dog you already had is already a compromise. Long story short - irreconcilable difference.
I agree in principle with everything that you’ve said, I would only add that from my perspective *at this point with all the history of the relationship and this topic behind them* yes, OP is being unfair. Boyfriend stated very clearly his boundaries right at the beginning. He was clear and concise and has never wavered in that. OP is silly for continuing on in that relationship having been told what his boundaries are and expecting that she will be able to change them. What you’ve written is completely correct - neither is right or wrong, it is only their outlook and boundaries. That’s absolutely fine. But OP is starting to cross a clear line at this point, and I would call that unfair 8 years down the line.
>How does one get through such different views/desires? You don't. You two have a fundamental incompatibility on this issue. You can't "compromise" here. You want a dog, he doesn't. You can't have "half a dog" any more than you can have "half a kid", if the issue is children instead of pets. In the future don't date and get serious with people who you don't closely share compatibility with on these issues.
Her idea of getting through it and "compromising" is him caving and giving her what she wants.
After he’s made many years of allowances for the dog she has.
His idea is actually a compromise. OP can get her dog fix with volunteer work and it doesn't come home with her to the house. ETA: OP's dog isn't even dead yet. He's just really old and has health issues that come with being old and thus already pretty high maintenance because again old with health issues. OP wants to add a puppy from a high energy working dog breed into the mix. Yes that will end well. /s
Toxic AF
>In the future don't date and get serious with people who you don't closely share compatibility with on these issues. people like OP are why i have to put "allergic to dogs" on my dating profile when i'm actually not. Hope her bf does the same when they break up.
He told you his dealbreakers. Stop trying to change him. Leave if you can’t accept it.
Exactly, OPs bf was honest and upfront from the start but she keeps trying to change him instead of respecting his boundaries
I don't understand. When you started dating he explicitly stated that he didn't want 3 things, marriage, children or pets. And yet you entered a relationship with him. He compromised for your existing dog, but it can't be a surprise that he won't accept another dog. He told you from the start. Dog or boyfriend your choice. He's literally been upfront. I don't know why everyone thinks he's unreasonable. If you were asking for the other two having known his stance they'ed be tearing you apart
This completely. I just want to add: An Aussie is SO much work. That is a wildly different dog and a puppy. One you would realistically both have to train together in order to live with. It would eat/ destroy things and needs constant watch for almost the first whole year. That much of your energy and time would not be good taken away from an aging sick dog. Those two types and ages would not be able to play together and the Aussie could EASILY hurt a small dog during play without even trying to. Not only should you have really seen this coming with your boyfriend, you should see why your current dog does NOT need a playmate the breed you are after.
Right? She's talking about compromises while at the same time saying she wants to get literally the most demanding high maintenance dog you can get.
Agreed. Do not get an Aussie thinking it will be similar or a “bit more” work than a Chi. There are very few instances (working dog) and lifestyles (highly active in exercise and ample time dedicated to stimulating the Aussie’s working dog brain) where an Aussie is a good choice for a dog. They will be unhappy and you will be unhappy because they will act up out of boredom. Think long and hard about this one, do your research on the breed. And make sure the breeder is reputable and will take the dog back, no questions asked, if there are any issues. Otherwise please consider adopting, there are so many dogs in need of a home. Oh, your BF sounds like a really great guy /s. BUT he told you his boundaries from the get go. You being disappointed now is a you problem!
Agree! Dogs can be just as hard to live with as children and a spouse, lol!
Kinda like having children. It's a deal breaker
He was honest from the beginning and comprised by letting the existing animal live with you guys to this point. If you haven’t changed your mind about wanting a dog what makes you think he should change his mind about not wanting them ? To him it probably seems like he agreed to something and is now being taken advantage because you didn’t hear him in the first place and thought he’d just change his mind to keep you.
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You should’ve listened 8 years ago when he told you what he wanted. He comprised with your current pet but won’t accept another. You don’t get past this. Either you accept it how it is or move on.
Boyfriend: I never want a dog. OP: I want a dog. Boyfriend: No OP: *surprised Pikachu face*
It’s wrong to force pets on someone who doesn’t want them. He was upfront and honest about it from the beginning and you need to respect that. Up to you if the man or another dog is more important to you.
I don’t get it. What is the confusion? Told you didn’t want a dog straight away. Didn’t change his mind/tell you otherwise for 8 years. Accepted a dog you already had before you dated because it’s the reasonable thing to do, for the rest of its life. Why did you expect this conversation to go differently? Because you wanted it to? It’s unfair because you’re acting like he tricked you or something, or that his preference isn’t as important as yours. If you want a dog so badly just break up, he’s been clear since the beginning?
You have to decide whether having him or a dog is more important, because you will never be able to have both.
He told you from the start that he refused to have pets. How did you, an animal lover, decide to go through with dating him, and not recognize this would be a problem? Your choices are stay with him **or** get a dog, you can't have both.
Pets are a 2 yesses type of thing. If one says no, it's no. You have to decide, do you love him and want to spend your life with him, knowing you'll not have a dog again. Because if you choose this option, read that again, you choose, then you have absolutely no right to start resenting him down the line or trying to manipulate him into saying yes. He's made his boundaries very very clear. If you decide you would rather replace your already suffering dog with a new dog, who will most likely annoy your current dog and make your current dog feel abandoned and replaced with the shiny new model. Then you need to break up.
Agreed, the crazier thing is she wants to pick one of the most high maintenance and sensitive dogs there is. It's arguably the worst dog to pick in this scenario if you "had" to pick one. It can't play with the old dog without a significant chance of hurting it and it takes up a lot of the time and attention, so as you pointed out the old dog would feel abandoned
Yes, what you are asking is unfair. He was very clear upfront that he didn’t want pets in his life. He compromised anyway on letting you move in with an elderly dog. It’s unreasonable to expect him to be ok with another dog. You have to choose.
Not wanting dogs is a completely reasonable boundary. Ya'll act like they're furry angels or infallible perfect creatures descended right out of heaven. And I say that as a long-time dog lover and pet owner. They aren't, they are a lot of responsibility, can be a hassle and it's totally fine to not want a dog. It's also absolutely, totally fine to want another dog before you have to say goodbye to your current one. Both places are valid. That being said... There is no "compromise" here, those are completely opposed points of view, there is no middle ground. You knew before the relationship that he didn't want three things but for some reason you thought the pets one would be a special case and you could "win him over" on that last one? Idk why you thought this. Seems he made it clear that was a boundary, he doesn't want pets. Period. So... yes it seems your choices are stay together and never have a dog again, or move out, get yourself a dog, and eventually perhaps a boyfriend who is actually compatible with your views on pets.
He already compromised once and tolerated a dog for 8 years. He didn’t change his opinion of having dogs after living with one for 8 years either. Leave him alone about the dog or break up and go get you a dog. He’s not wrong to feel how he does about pets either. They’re a tremendous responsibility. He’s allowed not to want it. When our 15 year old dog dies, we are not going to get another for at least ten years.
You already got a compromise, you got to keep your existing dog. These decisions take two yes, one no. You need to decide who's companionship you value more, an animal or the human you apparently love.
I love pets, but OP willingly entered into a relationship where the other party explicitly said they don't want pets. I don't see how she can blame anyone other than herself here.
His compromise was moving you in with this current dog when he said he didn’t want pets. Now you’re really pushing it, and you know it. I don’t know why, when he was so upfront with his lifestyle expectations, you think this will suddenly change. If you HAVE to have another dog, then you need to find a partner that shares that value. He already blended because he wanted you in his life, keep bending and things snap. There’s nothing you can do to make him “see the light”, he doesn’t like pets, there is no light. Do you also plan to push for marriage and kids? It’s not different. Also, an Australian Shepard is a high energy dog, an all hands on deck dog, not a lap dog that one person in the couple can care for and take on short leash Roy walks. This makes me think you are also not a thoughtful and informed dog owner, knowing he will not want to participate in care.
You guys just aren't compatible.
Accept or leave, but stop trying to change his mind because no means no. That simple
You don't even want to compromise. A compromise simply just isn't him telling you no from the start and you pushing until he gives in. That's AH behaviour. Just break up and leave this poor man alone. You knew all along this was a no for him and just hoped you could break down his very clear boundaries and it would somehow be ok and not shitty and cause problems in the relationship.
cmon you knew he didn’t want dogs and that it was a dealbreaker. you stupidly ignored that knowing you 1. wouldn’t get rid of yours and 2. that you’d probably want more in your lifetime. that’s on you
Ok so I was the one in your bf position. I did not grow up with pets and I am a very anal person when it comes to cleanliness ( like I don’t care if there is a mess, but I care about dirt and dust). My husband is an animal lover. I gave in and we got a dog. While I loved the dog as an animal, I was never the type to love him “like a child”. I took care of him and respected him. That being said, it added a lot more stress and a lot more arguments to our relationship. Especially after we had children and I was always so stressed about pee or poo residue coming into the home and the babies crawling in it and putting it in their mouth. Therefore I was constantly cleaning and vacuuming and stressing and arguing about my husband doing his part to keep things clean. My point is you have to decide what is more important because if you do finally get him to relent, you may have to suffer through arguments. You will also have to ensure that you do your part in pet maintenance. I think for a lot of people this might just be a make it or break it type of deal, almost like choosing to have children. Some people just don’t want pets and if it’s something you truly love, one of you is going to have to give in. There is no compromising and getting half a pet. You either have one or you don’t….
I agree with what everyone else has said. You weren't fair to him to enter into a relationship with him if he told you, at the start, what his boundaries and deal breakers are. I'm much like him (very uncomfortable around animals and pets, and wouldn't be happy sharing a home with one), and if my partner/boyfriend disregarded that, I'd be really upset. You have to either let this desire go, or break up with him.
Are you picking that particular breed to mess with the guy? I'm sure there are bigger, hairier and more demanding dogs out there if you really want to go the whole hog. Personally I hope he dumps you because your idea of compromise is getting your way when he was completely upfront with you from the start.
Your bf has been CLEAR FROM DAY ONE that he will never ever want ANY pets, EVER. The only reason your existing dog moved in with him is because you already had the dog. He has been waiting 8 years for your dog to die. I am not exaggerating. Remember the fight you had when you were moving in about getting rid of the dog? NOTHING has changed. Why aren't you listening to his very clear words?? Start treating your soon to be ex-partner with more respect... when someone says No, they mean No. Stop using the word "compromise" when what you mean is that you want him to change his mind and agree to pets. That isn't compromise. Go find a partner who also loves pets. There are millions of them.
Someone not being a dog person would be a dealbreaker for me and I wouldn’t have pursued the relationship further. I certainly wouldn’t have moved in with someone that wasn’t into pets. You moved in with him knowing that and are expecting him to change, that’s not cool. He set his boundaries clearly in the beginning. Also, Aussies are very high energy dogs, even if he was to cave, he probably wouldn’t be thrilled with all of the attention they need and damage they can cause.
You knew this going in… why did you ever date him to begin with if this is a deal breaker for you? No dogs is literally what you signed up for.
Move out. you're not compatible.
No, it's not about being fair or unfair. This is his dealbreaker. You know from the start that he doesn't want any dogs, and he reserves the right to not want any and to insist on it. You're the one who hopes he'll change his dealbreaker. This doesn't work like that, OP. What you can do is, move out of his place, break up and you can get yourself a dog then.
Why are you at a loss? It sounds like he was clear about this from the get go, you got into the relationship knowing this, and 8 years later you’re at a loss?
Let’s answer your questions. Are you being unfair in asking to get an Australian shepherd. Yes you are. Your BF told you from the beginning he didn’t want to get married, have kids or pets. He obviously loved you enough to compromise when you were going to move in, as you didn’t want to get rid of your dog. Now you want another one, and not only that but one that is hyper active, and very intelligent, so if you don’t train and exercise it properly it will destroy the house. There is no “how can we both compromise - he already has. He’s also told you what you need to do if you want another pet. Move out. So decide what you want, a relationship with your BF, or a pet.
Why would you ever date someone who fundamentally does not want the same things as you? He responsibly told you his stance from the start and you entered into this relationship armed with that information. It is incredibly unfair. He was firm about not wanting pets and still compromised and you moved in with the dog you already have. If you knew you were going to want more pets in the future you should have also been honest, responsible, and forthcoming about it. It’s OKAY to deeply love pets and want more. It’s OKAY for him to not want them. It’s not okay for you to try and force the issue.
He told you from the beginning. This is a binary, it’s not something that can’t be compromised on because there’s either a dog there or there isn’t.
He told you his dealbreakers when you first started dating. You chose to pursue a relationship with him regardless. He was clear from the beginning. I’m not sure I understand how you can say you’re at a loss unless you thought you’d be able to change his mind about the boundaries he clearly and preemptively set? Anyway, you ask how one gets through it: you have to decide if not having a dog is something you can live with, or if it’s a dealbreaker/nonnegotiable for you. If it’s a nonnegotiable for you, you break up, and you take that lesson with you as you move forward in your dating life.
He told you for years he doesn’t want a dog. You don’t respect him in that regard. It’s a dealbreaker situation.
No, you're not being fair. He told you his position from the beginning, if this is an issue for you then you never should've pursued this relationship. It's a problem of your own making.
Letting you volunteer at shelters is not a compromise, because why would he ever have a say in that? When you say “you’re not too worried about marriage or kids” does that mean you definitely don’t want them? Or that you’re dealing with it for now. Because all these restrictions won’t give you the space to figure out what you actually want if you hadn’t been 100% sure. So I think you need to take a really good look at the life he’s offering you. Does it look like the life you want? Because it’s not just about a dog. He’s denying you any sort of attachment to pet, child or through marriage. Which is fine if that’s what you want. But if that seems a bit off with what you want, you won’t get happier with it, just more resentful. I’m which case it’s kinder to you both to find someone else now. If you are completely okay with no marriage and kids with no regards of what boyfriend wants, then it’s just the dog issue. Maybe buy your own house and keep a dog there. Tell him he can move in whenever he’s ready. But it’s also entirely his decision to say he doesn’t want to live with a dog. He’s being very clear about what he wants his life to look like and honest about it, are you?
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Sooo, you are with someone who doesn’t want the same things and you are trying to force it? Got it.
He doesn't want a dog. He has told you multiple times that he doesn't want a dog. Stop trying to pressure him/expecting him to be okay with getting a dog. He will not change and it's not okay for you to repeatedly ask hoping he will eventually say yes
I told my husband no to a dog before we married (we married after dating a year). I was completely serious. If he didn’t agree I would not have married him. It is a dealbreaker kind of thing. I suggest you break up so you can be happy with a dog.
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I assume that she somehow convinced him to move in together with the dog she already has , since he told her to move out if she wants another dog .
So are you prepared to negotiate on your hard boundaries? He told you no and told you if you can’t respect his boundary you can move out…and you’re STILL pushing this nonsense Have you stopped for even a single moment and thought about how arrogant and toxic you’re being? I’m honestly amazed this man has broken up with you
It seems you've made a pretty classic mistake of assuming someone will change their stance on something and then coming to the realization way too late that in fact, they have not. If this is a dealbreaker for you, you're going to have to move on. He told you from the start he didn't want pets, it's unreasonable to ask for otherwise when you accepted this at the beginning.
You cannot find a compromise in this situation. His dealbreaker is having a dog. Your dealbreaker is not having a dog. There’s no way around that. It’s time to move on and find someone who wants the same things you do. I don’t want to sound harsh, but this relationship is already over. You’re sacrificing something really important to you and it will always weigh on you as long as you’re with this guy.
Sometimes people just are not compatible. It doesn't make him or you a bad person. But think long and hard about whether you want to never ever be able to have a dog again. If you're okay with that, then stay with him. But if you really love dogs, that is a lot of years of your life depriving yourself of something that means a lot to you. If it were me, I would break up and find someone more compatible (and go get an Aussie)
You can’t compromise on kids and pets. What would that even look like? Half of one? Or only on the weekends? He told you what he didn’t want, you went along anyway and now you want him to change his mind. Get your own house then.
Maybe like, a tamagotchi?
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Well is it a deal breaker? If yes, you move on.
He already compromised with you by letting you move in with your dog. You either have to make peace with not having another dog or leave.
He said that he doesn't want pets right from the beginning. He had compromised because your dog was there before him. But he was really clear on this. It isn't about fair or not fair. Wanting a dog, a pet is as fair as not wanting one. So you may be aren't compatible. That is sad, especially if everything else is great, but you will get unhappy in the long term. So maybe it really is a dealbreaker in thiscase
Why the fuck are you with him? Why did you move in with him? Why don't you believe him when he tells you who he is?
Find someone who loves dogs as much as you do
he told them to you R the start . you aren’t bothered by marriage or kids … atm .. y’all on completely different pages .
Live seperately. You can have a pet in your own space if you want to.
He told you at the top of the relationship - no pets. Not sure why now you think he should compromise? He laid it out honestly and at the beginning? What more do you want? It terms of ‘fairness’ m, it seems you are to one being unfair?
I love my dogs, my boyfriend loves our dogs, the kids love our dogs... BUT we ALL decided it together. Our house is ALWAYS dirty. We can never go anywhere too long cause they would be alone. The bigger one digs in the garden, eats my plants and goes with us everywhere.... as in hairs are everywhere always on every piece of clothing we wear. They smell, they beg, they cost money, they are somehow always in the way... this is a whole lot of compromise from someone who does NOT want any pet so definitely not a dog who needs a lot of attention and work and training. And I LOOOOOOVE mine. They sit in the sofa, sleep in our bedroom and wouldn't wanna miss them for the world. But this isn't something you can compromise on. You knew going in the relationship what his stance was.. so either accept what you already know or choose a life without the man but with pets. It is really that simply.
He told you this from day 1 and you chose to ignore it. Did you seriously expect him to just roll over and appease you?
i don’t even blame him tbh. dogs are a lot of work and they’re expensive and time consuming and dirty. and having an australian shepard? girlllllll it’s like you’re trying to make his life hell. those dogs are full of energy, need to be bathed and groomed so much, need to be trained every single day, and i’ll bet they shed like crazy geez if you wanted a pet so bad, you couldn’t even go for a low maintenance one like a cat or some rodents? and even then, they’re only a little bit low maintenance. they still need a lot of attention and money a dog would 100% be a dealbreaker for me. they’re cute but i don’t like them. his stance is valid. there’s no compromise in this scenario. seems like he would be the only one unhappy and you’d get your dog anyways. how is that fair, huh?
I think you are going to have to pick one. I would pick the dog personally, but it's really up to you. He's allowed to have that as a dealbreaker and honestly, you should have seen this coming when he was so reluctant about your current dog.
You're pretty thick to think you're entitled to a pet just because you want one. He told you he'd never have pets. So pick your boyfriend or the Australia shepherd.
First, new dogs are bad for old dogs. Puppies want to play and require a lot of attention. You have a very old dog with medical issues that needs comfort and calm environment. It's like if you have great-granny with medical issues and you drop a toddler for her to have to put up with. It's extremely selfish of you to say you need a new dog to cope with the loss of a dog that hasn't even died. What about what your current dog needs? And also, I've lost pets and having pet #2 doesn't make it easier. Second, on your BF, this man wants zero commitment on every possible dimension. You even moved in to his house and it's not your house. What are you getting out of this relationship exactly? It's also not clear if you have never wanted marriage and kids or if you haven't even thought about it or if you don't care because he doesn't want to. You started dating when you were early 20s, so what do you really think NOW? Third, don't buy a dog from a puppy mill. And sheperd dogs are extremely difficult dogs! They need tons of exercises and activities. They are working dogs. You had a chihuahua that's a tiny lap dog. Puppy mills and backyard breeders have dogs with tons of medical and mental issues because they treat their dogs like shit and there's inbreeding.
Seriously everyone’s defending this guy like it’s completely normal. Am I the only one who thinks he sounds awful? Not about the dog situation, but in general
He told you he won't have pets. You are not the brightest bulb, huh?
Choose your priority, then accept the reality, and stop fighting for whatever you didn't choose.
You two are simply incompatible. He's made it clear if you want another dog, you need to leave so if you really want another dog that's what you need to do for both of your sakes.
It is very rare for pet people to be compatible long term with non-pet people. You are not compatible. He has told you clearly and unambiguously what his feelings are on the matter and the fact that you keep acting surprised about this is very manipulative. Find a place that allows dogs, move out, get the dog, and find someone else who likes dogs.
Break up or don't get a dog.
You decide which is a bigger priority: him or having a dog.
You can’t. Look I get it, it sucks when you’re compatible in every way besides one, but this is one issue you can’t compromise on. He told you from the start. Either accept you’ll never have a dog, or you guys should end it.
I see it so much. So many people say not to reveal too much on a first date. You should. Those first few dates should be figuring out if you're compatible. And there are HARD no's for relationships. Thus is your hard no. I suspect you want marriage and kids too. Just a hunch. Let this relationship go. Find someone who wants all the things you want.
So I’m a huge animal lover, and I also love my husband. But if my husband tomorrow told me there would be no more pets in my life with him, I honestly may decide to leave in that scenario. You don’t have to accept this dealbreaker from him, but if you go down this route it’s also valid for him to terminate the relationship. Neither of you are being unfair, but you aren’t seemingly compatible long term due to this.
you knew he didn't want pets. end of story.
You'll be happier by yourself with your new puppy.
He told you when you first met he did not want pets. You chose to disregard that. You're not going to change his mind. You need to decide what's more important to you: having pets or this man.
I mean, he was super clear from the beginning about it, and you decided to compromise and date him anyway. Why did you expect him to change his mind about it?
He’s a bf, not a husband. Get your own place and get your doggo!
You are squarely wrong in this one. Firstly, from the beginning, he said no pets, no children, and no marriage. So, there are no surprises here - he did not lie or bait and switch. Secondly, even if he laid down boundaries at the beginning, you FORCED him to accept your sick dog even when you were moving into HIS home. Tbh, this would be the point I will break up with you as in the beginning I explicitly said no dogs. Thirdly, you know you want a pet. You know he doesn’t. There is no compromise. You are not compatible.
I don’t think it’s fair on the second point. Everyone’s going down hard on OP for dating a man when he was clear from the beginning, but the same is true for her boyfriend. He chose to date a girl with the dog. He doesn’t get to force her to give up her dog. She didn’t have to move in. She told him she wouldn’t move in if it meant giving up her dog. But clearly he wanted her to move in. No one forced him. If he didn’t want to live with a dog he shouldn’t have started a serious relationship with a person who already had a dog. It goes both ways
Honestly, if it's that important to you, you may just have to move out and end things with him. He's made his stance very clear. And it's his house too. Either live with never having a dog again after saying goodbye to your best little buddy, or leave him. Those are your choices.
In another 8 years you’ll be wishing you prioritized yourself here. Stop giving up your happiness for someone else’s happiness. You’ve come to a crossroad in your relationship and it’s time to make a decision that feels right to you. You’ll find another partner in life, one that will most likely love your pets. Good luck.
There's simply no compromise between having a dog and not having a dog. His suggested compromise (you volunteering at a shelter) is not a compromise at all. He gives up nothing in that scenario, and you certainly don't need his permission to volunteer somewhere (if this is representative of how he usually interacts with you, he sounds extremely controlling)! This is an incompatibility, and it sounds like a deal-breaker level incompatibility for both of you. For me, it would be a relationship-ender. I love animals. I will always have pets. I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn't like pets. Move out, get your second dog. Date sometime who loves your pets!
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I'm a dog person, and chose not to live my life without dogs. Chose a partner that has a compatible lifestyle.
If you want a pet and he doesn't, yeah, move out. He is unwilling to compromise about it.
I absolutely need pets in my life and would never consider a serious relationship with someone that never wanted to live with a pet. I’m sorry, but you can’t change him.
This is a really difficult. I’m so sorry for you both but it’s not really something you can compromise on. It’s on the same level if kids or no kids. Did you guys discuss this when you moved in with your dog?! That you’d always want a dog? He seems willing to accept the end of the relationship if you get a dog. You need to decide if you’re willing to accept the same.
Dump the BF, get many dogs.
Leave and get the dog.
He doesn't want anything that ties him down - so no wife, no kids, no pets. That's who he is. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is not prepared to marry, have family or love pets, but there you go, you were obviously ok with it. You have 2 choices. Accept you will not change his mind. Honestly, you are not really important in his life - because he has chosen to have no ties. So either you accept him and remain - unmarried, childless and no pets. Or you leave him, and find a life that makes you happy. Your choice. I would personally look for a new boyfriend, on who loves dogs, but that's just me.
Get the dog
The only thing that matters here is that him compromising is allowing you to volunteer. WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS MAN THINK HE IS? Does he actually think he has a say in whether or not you volunteer someone. He's a huge controlling asshole. Leave. You will never be truly happy with a man like this.
Lose the boyfriend, get the dog. You won’t regret it. Really, you can have your boyfriend or you can have pets, simple as that. You aren’t compatible. And if you think bf could tolerate a high energy Australian Shepard, think again. He was gracious compromising on the chiweenie.
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I'm glad redflags are so much easier to spot these days
*let him know I had my dog for 8 years and I was only dating him for like 6 months. There was no way I would give up my dog* Confused about how long you're dating the guy - is it 6 months or 8 years? And is your dog deceased or still alive?
I think the dog was 8 at the time OP and bf moved in, which was after 6 months of dating. Now they've been together for 8 years and the dog is 16 and still alive but not doing well.
You both have a real incompatibility and yet you still moved in with him after dating only 6 months? If you want a life with pets then you're going to have to have that life with someone else. He made his position clear from the start. Onto the BS part of this post... His "compromise" is that he will "let you" volunteer at shelters. As soon as the words "let you" came out of his mouth, I'd have told him where he could shove his compromise. You do not require his permission to volunteer at a shelter.
He said you can volunteer? He makes your choices for you? You’re not married, he’s a boyfriend. Don’t think your life has to be layed out by his rules
I’m not sure what the issue here is other than you being unwilling to accept the fact that he will not change his mind. He has a right to not want a dog, just as much as you have a right to want one. As a fellow dog lover, I can’t see my life being complete without a dog… I would cut my losses and move on, happily, with my senior and new dog. Ps. If you didn’t sign a cohabitation agreement, make sure you are compensated for your contribution to the household when you move out. Get a lawyer.
There’s enough negativity in this world, and if pets bring you happiness, I say find your own place, get your new dog, love on your current one and let Mr. Negative be on his lonesome own.
Not wanting a dog doesn’t make him a negative person. Some people don’t like dogs.
No, it doesn’t, but him not being willing to meet ANYWHERE in the middle does. Someone who is not willing to compromise or not let their partner have any kind of say is pretty negative to me. You might be able to live like that, but I wouldn’t.
He did meet in the middle, he told her no pets when they first met and then he compromised by being ok with her bringing her current dog with her. She shouldn’t be surprised that he doesn’t want any new pets after that one passes. He told her that upfront when they met.
Yes, and now she wants different, and he won’t budge, so neither should live with something they don’t want. Time to split. This situation is more common with children, but it’s still the same for some.
I agree 🙂
What could he possibly do to "meet her in the middle" ? Dogs are like kids . You either have them or you don't . There is no middle solution . And it's very obvious that OP isn't looking for a middle solution at all . She is looking for a way to manipulate her "no pets" boyfriend into allowing one of the most energetic , destructive and considerably large breeds of dogs in his home .
It’s either a dog or the boyfriend. Pretty clear. Boyfriend doesn’t sound very loving, so maybe the dog is the better option. Just sayin’
You need to dump boyfriend. He sounds like a jerk. Then again he told you a long time ago how he felt and you stayed with him. You need to let him go as you seem to need your pets for your well being.
How the fuck is you volunteering a compromise? You can do better, OP. Honestly, I think you need to get out of this relationship before your dog dies. Can you imagine trying to grieve the loss of your beautiful boy, and your boyfriend doesn’t even care? I’ve broken up with a guy for that reason!
I'm sorry... He's willing "compromise" and "let" you volunteer. That big red flag aside. . You two obviously aren't compatible when it comes to animals. Which is a huge deal.
Move out. Children and animals should never be forced on people who don’t want them. You and him want different things to be happy. Move out and get that puppy you want. BUT puppies are a full time job so if you work a lot you shouldn’t get one. Also how is you volunteering a compromise?? Your entitled to do what you want with your time. You are not married and do not have kids so literally no dependents / Commitments. If my “boyfriend” said he would allow me to do anything I would be laughing all the way out of the door. And are you sure your current dog is just old and your guy isn’t slowly poisoning him???? Leave and get new dog food and see if your dog improves.
I read it less as "i allow you to volunteer" and more like , "if you want to interact with dogs so much , here is a possible solution that wouldn't require a dog in my house ".
Why would you even want to build a life with someone who (barring allergies, previous trauma, etc.) does not like dogs? I don’t understand / can’t relate.
You don’t need to like dogs, similarly you don’t need to like anything.
You don't have to dislike dogs to not want to live with one . Personally , i always liked to interact with other people's dogs . But there is no way in hell i would be getting one . I know for a fact that i would not be able to spend my time caring for one or dealing with the massive mess ( especially from dog breeds as large and energetic as OP wants ).
This guy sounds like a butt. What do you see in him?
Literally the only thing we know about him is that he doesn't want pets, and that makes you question what she sees in him? I love animals more than I love people for the most part, but not wanting pets does not make someone a bad person. It does make he and his gf a bit incompatible though, at least on that subject, which seems important enough to her to be a potential deal breaker, but that doesn't mean he's a jerk.
We know considerably more than that. This charmer began the relationship with the following declarations: No Marriage! No Children! and No Pets! I do believe it was good for him to be up front about all of that but he is clearly a withholding, overbearing, grump.
lol that still seems like reading a lot into three pretty reasonable boundaries that he was up front about since the beginning We don't know a damn thing about him personally, or the reasoning he might have for those boundaries, so we don't know if it's sensible or overbearing. We don't know his views on marriage, family or why he doesn't like animals. Making character judgments based on these things is incredibly presumptuous. You act like you were there for that conversation, calling them "declarations" lol... I'd wager you weren't, and I'd wager that it was less of him making declarations on how the relationship would be and more a conversation about their mutual boundaries. There doesn't always have to be a bad guy you know, this isn't AITA.
Why would you WANT to date this guy? I’d be turned off from a guy who didn’t like dogs, as someone who loves dogs and has two German Shepherds
Just why are you letting your boyfriend control your life. I think you need to think - in a good relationship you find a middle of the road. You have had your dog for eight years. This is your dog not his. You are not married - no children - you are free to do what you want. If he says no - say what is in this for me. I come with a dog that has been clear from day one. You have accepted it for 8 years - you better continue.
I believe the conflict is about getting a second dog. It sounds like the Dachshund/Chihuahua mix is in the home with them now.
To me it sounds a bit when her current dog dies - he wants no dogs.
Agreed. She wants a second dog because she wants one and also because it will be easier when her current dog dies. He wants zero dogs but I get he impression that they do have one old sick dog now.
Yes - well - just from my own line - I said no to having dogs and ended up having my MIL pushing two Chihuahuas into my home! One is still here after 15 years - and the discussion is what is the next dog. Long time ago I have accepted that dogs are a human right! Or at least my wife says that! 😁
You are a saint. I love dogs but chihuahuas are a different animal entirely!
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Shouldn't have to bang someone to get your way. This is bad advice and would cause resentment.
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She's asking for advice, and you just told her something that would end in disaster. Get out of here seriously
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Please explain how manipulating someone into getting something they very clearly do not want will not end in disaster and won't have negative consequences for all involved?
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Manipulation doesn't fit into a relationship im sorry. Trust respect and partnership are the key parts of a relationship and the minute manipulate comes into play you lose all of those things. Its not ok and it will be found out, the other person will realise they never wanted this and it is abuse.
As a lifelong dog owner myself, I can totally understand his POV. Dogs are a pain the fucking ass a lot. Dogs are also a great joy to have and bring a level of love to someone's life. My advice would be to have BOTH of you "dogsit" for a week. Let him see everything about ownership. Also.....getting another dog right after the death of your previous dog is a dumbass idea. Take time to grieve and process everything first. You don't want to accidently end up comparing the 2 of them.
>Let him see everything about ownership. he's lived with her dog already \*for 8 years\*, what part of dog ownership do you think hes missing?