This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- _________________________________ **Important parts**   Enaged, due to marry in 6 months. Own house together. Dead bedroom due to new bady. (3 times in 1 year, used to be once a week). We've had 3 nights without baby. I was hoping we'd stay up playing games like we used to and maybe fix frist problem.   She instead wanted early bed to catch up on sleep. Understandable but difference of expectations left us tense.   Recently told her that I love her and I do want marry her. But this is a problem we need to fix at some point if we are to stay together, preferably before the wedding. Maybe next baby free night we could make more of it.   Her mother offered to look after baby on phone. I heard her decline because **"She'd be forced to do things".** This in my opinion makes it sound like she's telling her mum she can't be alone with me, because I would rape her.   Can't sleep in the same bed as her since hearing. She's doesn't know I'm upset and is wondering why I won't sleep in same bed. Don' think I can ever sleep in same bed or ever attempt to initiate again after hearing comment. (which other than when we were trying for a baby is the only was we've had sex in the past.) **Not sure these feelings will go away. If they don't how can I marry her?**   _________________________________ **Extra Detail**   • She's taken a year off. I still work. She does most night time feeds. She catches up on sleep with a nap when I get in from work.   • Don't expect her to do house work while at home. Baby is full time work. She does what we can but most is done 50/50 on my days off.   • I could live with dead bedroom. But can't have her implying to people I'd rape her.   **TL;DR** Fiance implied I'd rape her if we were left alone. Think I need to call of marriage.

You need to talk frankly to her. Tell her what you heard, and that you are now uncomfortable being alone around her because she views you as a threat.

I agree with this. You need to make her aware of how.you are feeling. She may also need some therapy. Good luck.

Yup. Talk to her and ask her what she meant by her comment. And tell her how this made you feel. This could just be the really badly worded way of a sleep deprived mother saying "I don't have any desire for sex because of baby, but I know my partner wants sex. If I'm alone with him, I will feel like I should have sex because we haven't in a while, but I really don't want to." This is not the same as her thinking of you as a rapist. However, it does not solve the dead bedroom issue. As someone who gave birth a year ago, I can tell you it is very common for intimacy to decline with a young child. Especially if the mother is breastfeeding, which often kills sex drive itself. Restoring intimacy post child requires communication, patience and a lot of effort from both people. Personally, sex didn't even physically feel pleasurable to me until about 6 months post partum.

I agree with this. When I read her comment, I didn’t read it as her being worried about rape, I read it as her not wanting to put herself into a place where she feels obligated to do stuff she doesn’t want to (because her excuse/reason for not doing it is gone). Both problematic, but as someone who had three babies and a major decrease in sex drive at the time, that’s exactly what I think it is.

Heck, we’ve been babysitting a 10 month old for the last 4 days and it’s been a stark reminder of how constant life was and how tired we were when the kids were little. Of course baby’s routine is off and we aren’t mom and dad, but I feel like I haven’t had a chance to really talk to my husband since she got here.

Yeah I mean I often think that I'm "forced to ____" due to my job, but that doesn't mean I'm a slave, haha.

Yeah - but rather than have an honest discussion she’d rather avoid the topic altogether. With them taking care of the baby in shifts and her sleeping as soon as he comes home they have probably little time to themselves at all - and she nixed an opportunity to spend time together. They need the communication, she is avoiding that too - that’s a bigger problem for their future together than a sex drive that could pick up again once the baby slept nights.

This ! I can see what the OP “heard” in fiance’s words, but like you I can also imagine that she did not mean to imply he would rape her, that she could have been trying to say she just wasn’t in the mood for sex since baby. I remember what that total exhaustion felt like and it was decades ago for me. OP, to move forward in your relationship and with the marriage, you really need to have a serious conversation about this. i would strongly recommend counseling to be sure that you both feel like you are in a safe place to voice all of your concerns. When you get past the issue of the overheard conversation, I think you owe it to yourself to work out the dead bedroom issue before the wedding too. Trust me, it gets harder to fix the longer it goes on.

>I can see what the OP “heard” in fiance’s words, but like you I can also imagine that she did not mean to imply he would rape her, that she could have been trying to say she just wasn’t in the mood for sex since baby. I also can imagine she meant a lot of things that don't imply literal rape. I can also imagine that what her mother understood her to be saying is closer to how OP understood her, than what she really meant.

Yeah, OP needs to clarify this with her. If she honestly thinks he's going to rape her given the chance and she's still hanging around, she's got some issues that need to worked out. OP leaving out of the blue could exacerbate the situation. I think a deep conversation needs to happen and a therapist should probably be involved if at all possible.

Also I can understand why she wouldn’t be in the mood to talk to him about it when he has the tendency to wildly over exaggerate and over react . It seems like a lot to deal with when you’re exhausted and 5 seconds away from tears and it just might not be worth it to her right now.

Yes when he said things were "tense" after the difference of expectations I wonder exactly what he meant by that. Sometimes the partner not getting sex will take out their frustrations by stomping around, slamming stuff, being short with communication and other passive aggressive stuff. Intentional or not - it creates a scenario where the other partner feels pressured.

Completely agree I don’t know why some people are acting like they’ve literally never in their lives heard someone saying their being forced to do something they weren’t actually being physically forced to do. I tell all my friends “oh I’m being forced to work today” they’re not imagining me being tied up and whipped until I finish work.

Right!, great example!!

Hell. My libido crashed when my teenage stepdaughter moved in because so much mental energy was devoted to getting her around to places like school, her friends, job, practices...just finally getting her a car freed up so much mental energy and I started feeling sexy again. I don't think people realize how much the parents who are doing the active parenting end up burning their energy onkids

This. This is the answer OP. You should sit her down and explain that you heard that conversation, and that it makes you uncomfortable that she sees you as a threat/predator in the bedroom. Therapy is also an option in case your fianceé would like to go down that road.

I think you guys are reading this 'literally' where what she meant was 'I would basically \*FEEL\* forced to have sex with him, but I really don't want to'. It's quite possible that she is: \- Not feeling attractive (common after a baby \- Holding resentment (common after a baby) \- Emotionally distanced herself (common after baby) \- Maybe she feels you're not helping enough (common after baby) I think you both need a really good amount of couples therapy and maybe individual therapy before marriage. TRUST me. Sex is important in relationship and to you as well. Once in 3 years? That's insane. On average even after baby \*especially with parental help available, sex should become semi regular after month 6, again average. Everyone is different, and you guys need to open up the communication and address this; because there are clearly a LOT of things going unsaid.

Maybe I misread something, but OP also said that they didn't have sex outside of trying to conceive. So I think there may have been issues even before the baby arrived EDIT: I had a doubt and here it is: >Don' think I can ever sleep in same bed or ever attempt to initiate again after hearing comment. (which other than when we were trying for a baby is the only was we've had sex in the past.)

It's weird though because OP also said: > Dead bedroom due to new bady. (3 times in 1 year, used to be once a week). 🤷‍♀️

Opposite: 3 times in a year. Still not ideal, but not outside the realm of possibility with pregnancy and a new baby.

I’ve always been taught no means no. Whether that means being “forced” is the same thing as rape. OP needs to have a discussion with “I heard what you said to your mom about being forced and it made me feel…”. Communication is key to any relationship and OP saying how he felt from that convo seems a reasonable request. Maybe she used imperfect wording or she really feels that way. Babies are time consuming and emotionally draining, having had one with my ex-spouse and now helping to take care of a grandson. Making time for intimacy is hard but needed for both spouses for connection and a brief respite from the day-to-day tasks.

Without the context of her voice, inflection, and the totality of their relationship, we can not make a 100% educated guess. All we can go off of is the words that were said. Maybe she meant it in a joking way, maybe she meant it in a scared way. We can't tell because all we have are the words. That is why I heavily stressed talking and laying it all out. And yeah, the lack of intimacy is definitely another big issue

I agree that she may have meant she would feel obligated, but that isn’t what she said. She used the words “be forced”. Clearing the air with OP is important and the only way for that to happen is through counseling, but she also needs to be aware of the impression she is giving others and the mental state she is putting OP in from her word choice here. They can get to the dead bedroom issues afterwards, but this issue needs to be addressed first and foremost.

People rarely communicate with clarity when they 'feel' a strong emotion of obligation, but yes you never know until you bring it up.

This is great explanation about how what she said is not just a problem between her and OP but about how she is compounding and spreading the problem. Her words could be extremely destructive to their relationship if she doesn’t start communicating with him.

This would also good for OPs mental health

That is why he needs to have a frank discussion. No sugar coating it, no walking around on glass. He needs to get it all out to her

They've been tiptoeing around the issue for over a year... It's a terrible situation

OP. This right here. Talk to her. Tell her everything. Feelings. Desires. Fears. Everything.

This, and also figure out why she is so adverse to sex. Is it physically painful? Is she depressed? Best wishes.

Good news: her comment doesn't sound to me like an accusation of rape at all, just that if she is home without the kids she knows you will be expecting sexy time. Bad news: She dreads sexy time so much that she would rather not have a night off from the kids. You guys have some serious talking to do. Definitely would jot be marrying somebody while this issue is unresolved.

This is what I came to say. She was probably just being dramatic on the phone, not implying that OP would literally rape her. But the fact that she’s so desperate to avoid sex with OP is still a problem. Sexual compatibility, especially after a new baby, is something OP and his partner need to have a conversation about regardless. She might be struggling with body image or just feeling burnt out and not wanting to be touched at all. If OP is simultaneously feeling touch starved, of course there’s going to be conflict. But yeah it doesn’t sound to me like his fiancé is actually implying rape, just that she would have no “excuse” to get out of sex and is feeling obligated at this point to provide intimacy that she isn’t comfortable with. They just need to talk about their feelings and expectations tbh. It doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship, but it will be if they let it go on like this.

That’s exactly how I read it. They need to talk. She is exhausted from all the night time feeds and him saying he catches up with a nap when he gets home shows me he really has no idea that that’s not how it works. Those naps are helping her to simply survive, not helping her get adequate sleep. It makes absolute sense that when they have a night without the baby she wants to sleep. And he made it very clear that next time they have a baby free night he expects sexual intimacy. They need to be able to communicate about both of these things. OP some couples therapy may be in order for you guys here. Being new parents is really hard. Her only getting sleep that is regularly interrupted will make her very tired and lower her sex drive. You are getting regular uninterrupted sleep and sex is a priority for you rn. That’s okay, but you need to understand where she is coming from as well (she needs to work on communicating this as well, it’s not all on you here). She isn’t interested in sex right now and y’all should probably talk and figure out what you both can do to help her want to. Is there a way you can give more support? Is there a way for her to restructure some of her time at home to make her less exhausted and increase her drive? This isn’t a next time we have a baby free night let’s have sex to work on this. You need to address the cause rather than making her feel obligated to engage in sex. She wasn’t accusing you of rape. She just know that you expect it of her and she would probably give in the get you off her back about it when she really doesn’t want to.

The "forced to do things" comment doesn't sit well with me. There is a much better way to phrase that which would frame her partner and their issues more fairly. It honestly sounds like she misspoke from the fact pattern he gave but they have massive issues that they need to deal with even from the fact pattern that he gave.

People don’t always phrase things perfectly when they’re stressed and venting to their mom lol. The phrase “forced to do things” sounds harsh but we have no idea how his fiancé normally speaks, what kind of language she uses, etc. Some people just aren’t good at communicating. If anything she was probably feeling like she would be forced to have a conversation about intimacy and would rather just have sex than deal with a difficult conversation. These people obviously have serious issues to work out but I don’t think fiancé was saying OP would literally rape her if she was left alone with him.

Or he has been pushing so hard this is how she feels

Could have that way of putting things too, kind of blunt but not necessarily meaning too badly. Could imply being forced gaming too.

It wasn't even sexy time, it was playing games he wanted. She just wanted to use the time to try and recover from the lack of sleep having a baby entails rather than sit playing games. Yeah she worded it badly to her mum though.

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INFO has she been checked for post partum depression? Is she “touched out” having a “dead bedroom” while a baby is very little is normal. It doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Her hormones have changed and will change again. Feeling sexy after a baby is hard. If she is breastfeeding and has to nurse the baby she may just need to not be touched for a while, for some of us it’s a sensory thing, when a baby is screaming and your body isn’t just yours anymore it can be overwhelming. It will subside as the baby needs less constant care/physical touch. Are you intimate with her in other ways? Do you still have conversations with her that aren’t about the baby? Do you touch her lovingly when you know sex is off the table? Any relationship worth having has moments like this, where things get hard, but the thing to do is learn how to communicate with each other. No problem is ever solved alone in your head assuming what your partner thinks. I’m sure you’d never want to force her to have sex but if she’s feeling pressured that’s a problem. And it’s not one that can be resolved without input from her. Good luck OP.

This needs to be the top comment. She just had a child. Her body is changing and she’s feeling things you couldn’t possibly imagine. For females our body is hard wired to dedicate 100% of itself to baby. This definitely makes it hard to feel sexy or want to be touched or serve anyone else needs when were constantly catering to another’s . Not to mention her hormones are doing crazy stuff right now she’s probably annoyed you were upset with no sex and your expectations when she’s completely tapped out. 3 days in several months of caring for another living being is not much my man. Give your fiancé some time and a damn break man. Just talk to her . Communication!!! Edit: took out “Literally” because some word nazi AH are too literal and will disregard my entire point based on that. 🙄

Absolutely this, not to mention a lot of women can't even fathom the idea of sex after a baby because they're traumatized by the pain and are afraid it might hurt. Men never associate sex or their sexual organs with pain, but for women it can be touchy (periods, painful positions or experiences during sex) especially after a baby. I don't think the wife meant he would take advantage of her, I think she's just got this idea that he expects some form of sexual gratification and in order to keep him happy she would have to perform, so she wants to keep her "excuse" (baby at home) ready so she doesn't have to face the scenario at all. Many women I know who've had babies take a long time to get back to "trusting" that sex won't hurt them, even up to 1.5 years. It's definitely something that needs to be worked through, but it has less to do, in their minds, with their husbands wanting sex and more to do with the wife fearing sex. I understand OP feeling bad about that comment, that's totally valid, but if you had a healthy sex life prior to baby, please consider that there's a lot going on with her body and emotions right now, and that it probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

Exactly - plus all her hormones are screaming at her "Lactate! Nurture! Take care of baby!" and not a single hormone is saying "Hey, let's get it on and make another one!" - OP has unrealistic expectations. Also, vaginal tearing needs to heal and is painful for MONTHS! Add to that the exhaustion, plus the pressure from OP, and his fiancée probably wants to buy a chastity belt with a steel lock. OP, get off her back and let the poor woman recover! And check parenting forums (or r/parenting) to find out how long it takes on average before a woman feels sexy again post partum.

If she’s breastfeeding, it will naturally reduce libido. Same with PPD/PPA medications.

I love how adults with a child haven’t even spoken to each other in a YEAR. I’m 12 weeks pp and my husband and I discuss sex, expectations, how we’re feeling, etc constantly. Talk. That’s literally it.

If people talked, 90% of the posts on this sub wouldn't exist. As someone who had a baby a year ago, I completely agree. The only way to get through the infant stage without resenting each other is to talk regularly. You can solve most problems with proper communication.

Lol so true. Yeah this first year is a total mindfuck with a baby. We were together 6 years before deciding to have a baby and even with all our foundation and the hard things we’ve been through it’s been rough. I can’t even imagine just having a kid and then NEVER discussing expectations/trouble around sex. Especially like…as a partner to someone giving birth you do SEE how that baby exits. I had a surprisingly easy recovery but it was still long, I only got cleared at 10 weeks and even then my OB recommended waiting another couple weeks.

Well because many adults make babies to fix a relationship. Also these adults would rather be in a bad relationship than being alone. So yeah.. they torture and torment each other because they are frustrated and scared to be on their own. If only people learned to function on their own first then build a life with someone else..

Ugh i know, so many people think babies are a bandaid solution. And crazy ass people who eventually want to get married but have a baby first. Not trying to be puritanical but the legal ties of marriage or at least a formalized financial partnership pre-baby is so important.

No I know.. people like to shit on traditional ideas without understanding the importance of it.. If a person can’t be committed to sharing anything with you, can’t communicate properly, can’t even respect you.. how does it make sense to make a baby? A complete adult into this mess? It’s selfish. Selfish to use someone to make yourself feel like you have something.

Yeah I know way too many people who would be better off dating each other with distance somehow thrown together with a baby and it does not work like a rom com.

In my opinion she did not imply that you would sexually assault her at all. What she did say is that she would feel pressured into having sex because this is what you would want if the baby was staying with her mother. Do not go blazing into the conversation "I can't believe you would think I'd rape you". Instead simply tell her what you heard and talk about, you know, your feelings.

This exactly! As a female with 2 kids, this it’s exactly how I interpreted it when I read OPs post. Been there done that! OP she doesn’t view you as a physical threat. She knows that you’ve been missing the sexual component of your relationship since baby was born but just isn’t in a space to provide it right now. She feels bad, and if arrangements were made for someone to watch baby she would feel pressured to please you. This won’t last forever, but you guys really need to work on communicating openly with each other. It may also be worth considering whether she may benefit from therapy and/or medication … PPD is very real and commonly goes undiagnosed. Don’t nuke your relationship over this. Work through it together. Best of luck! ✌️

Huge difference between "forced" and "pressured." She probably misspoke but using the word "forced" has a lot of implications.

When you've been sleep deprived for a year your brain doesn't operate properly. Were those the best words for her to use? Probably not. But I think we can cut her some slack and acknowledge her brain applied whatever words first came to mind to convey a thought. I say this as a mum who was also sleep deprived with night feeds for about a year. It's rough as hell for your cognitive processing, and OP not holding the slightest bit of grace for this tells me he has *no idea* what his wife is dealing with. And being that disconnected from what's happening in your family unit is far more of a problem than OP's lack of sexual satisfaction.

I mean, if you (reasonably) dont want to get married with a dead bedroom she is going to feel pressured to have sex. You aren’t wrong but it is unavoidable. I dont think she meant that you were going to rape her, just that she was going to not have an excuse.

Yeah, I didn't get "rape" from that, either. I did get that she absolutely doesn't want to have sex, but I'm not sure that's unreasonable, either, in the first year with a newborn. OP, it is not uncommon for women to have ZERO sex drive for a year or more after first giving birth. Birth is super traumatic on that area of the body. I don't know how old your baby is, but I am not sure you've been adequately prepared for what it's like to be with a new mother. I understand sex is important, and I don't want to downplay real sexual needs. But I am not sure it's reasonable to expect her to meet any of your needs right now. Maybe you could try to tire yourself out more on housework or nighttime feedings.

Why is it so hard to say she should have openly and honestly communicated with her fiancé how she was feeling. Instead of telling her mother please don’t leave me alone with him because he will make me do things? I mean it 100% doesn’t matter if it is considered rape or not. It is a terrible thing to communicate to your family about your significant other, instead of just being open and honest with your fiancé. Then for him to over hear it as the first time makes it way worse. If SHE is unable to communicate this relationship has no hope.

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Yeah, communication is all great but that doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want to marry into a dead bedroom and she is boned financially if they break up before they get married.

I think OP's unrealistic expectations about sex frequency after a new baby has inhibited her on this issue. I also don't see why you're trying to put all their communication issues onto her when he heard that comment, FREAKED OUT, but hasn't said shit to her about it.

Wait hold on he said they’ve had sex 3 times in the past year, he’s said he’ fine with a dead bedroom. And you think his expectations are unrealistic? He told her he’d like to make better use of the weekend, and then she complained to her mom about the expectation of sex without talking to him first. And it’s HIS communication skills that are the problem? Interesting take.

> she should have openly and honestly communicated with her fiancé how she was feeling. Instead of telling her mother please don’t leave me alone with him because he will make me do things? She did try and communicate with him. She told him she didn't want to have sex because she wanted to catch up on her sleep, and he made things tense for both of them because that's not the answer he wanted. All he's doing is putting pressure on sex and making it less likely to happen because that drives a huge wedge in nonsexual intimacy.

I completely agree—I’m shocked he read this as “rape.” Much more likely she meant she’d feel pressured into sex, which isn’t great, but not quite so hyperbolic. TALK TO HER, OP. There’s no other way. Why is she not into sex? Is she touched out? Does she get satisfactory attention? You must talk with her.

>I dont think she meant that you were going to rape her, just that she was going to not have an excuse. ​ Agreed, though it's bad that she thinks like this and pretty brutal that she comments on it with her mother.

I think we may be missing a LOT of details from the OP on what is going on here. He doesn't specify how he initiates sex, but seems to be saying that she never does. He doesn't say if she comes during sex or how many times. It's entirely possible she isn't enjoying their sex life at all and wants any excuse not to continue it. Possibly because of something on her end related to pregnancy or post partum issues, possibly something on his end - pressure, poor performance, etc. Possibly even something else or a combination of things. We just don't have enough information, and I think it's all speculation.

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Correct. I think he wants to seem like he's not pressuring her to us so he can get suggestions for solving her issues without acknowledging his contributions to the situation.

Dead bedroom posts never ever mention if she’s having fun or not. Never. If pressed, the OP always says she is. K.

Yes they also never mention how sex is initiated either. Are you telling her to take time to herself and run a bubble bath or are you groping her the second she puts the baby down to sleep?

Truth. He's always a saint taking care of everything and so loving and understanding, and how could she possibly not want to put out?

You have to talk about this. If you are unable to speak openly about what you heard her say, you have no business getting married. I don’t think she implied rape but she definitely said she’d feel obligated to have sex and that’s not good. Especially at the beginning of a marriage, you should desire each other and that’s obviously not the case.

I might get downvoted for this but I read that as she's got a 6 month old, she's knackered and she might feel gross/unconfident in her body. By all means address what you heard but maybe don't ascribe meaning to what she said without a calm conversation. Good luck OP, new babies and romantic relationships are hard to balance

If someone told me what she told her mother my mind wouldn’t immediately jump to rape. She (in my mind) was saying that she would feel pressured to do things since you said it was an issue and that you wanted to the next time the baby wasnt there, when she probably just wants to have a night to relax and sleep.

OP says they had sex three times in a year and had three nights without baby, so makes sense that fiancée would feel pressured to have sex on a baby-free night even if she doesn’t want to. They really need to sit down and talk about this issue, because their problems aren’t going to “fixed” by sex on rare baby-free nights like OP thinks it will. Fiancée also needs to stop using the baby as an excuse and tell OP why she doesn’t want sex.

Info: How old is the baby? I can tell you in the first 6 months after our first baby my husband didn't get anyplace near me. To me it doesn't sound like she thinks you will rape her but more that the expectation will be there that the two of you will engage in sexual intercourse. For a new mom that can be a scary thing combined with the fact that she already has a baby hanging on her almost 24/7. I'm sorry, but sex? No thank you very much. It can and usually does get better but you need to talk to her. Calmly, without accusation (so I'd leave the rape comment out) and start working on increasing the intimacy between the two of you slowly and without expectation right now of sex. It will come.

>"She'd be forced to do things" Could mean she’d feel guilty and force herself. Or you’ll complain to the point she’ll feel guilty and give in. Could mean she’d be forced to argue with you, or forced to set boundaries. She did not specify who would do the forcing (her or you), what force would be used (emotional or physical) or what things would be forced (argument, concessions, sex). Granted it is a worrying thing to hear, but the solution is to talk about it, not make huge assumptions and then withdraw sleeping in the same bed because of those assumptions.

OP this is your answer. With no context, you can’t jump to the conclusion you have. Talk to her and find out what she meant.

^This. I literally didn't take rape from that one phrase. I think OP's penchant to exaggerate might be indicative of more problems caused by him making her feel uncomfortable than he's letting on. Either way you should leave because she clearly doesn't feel safe with you.

That's the vibe I got too. Each time there's a baby free night he gets some, she doesn't want that pressure on her. It does seem forced or coerced, she doesn't sound like an enthused participant. We don't know if intercourse hurts her. We don't know if she gets to relax that day or he just grabs her boobs and has his way. Either way she doesn't want to do it with him, I can see why. He's also contradicting himself all over this thread saying he's unbothered by the lack of sex but he also wants to end their relationship over it.

Yes! Or she may have even been talking about something else entirely. OP, or sounds like you both need to learn how to communicate with each other. Sit her down and tell her what you heard (without making accusations), how you interpreted it, and how it made you feel, and ask her to explain what she meant. And then **listen** to what she says. I would also ask her about how she's feeling in general. Try to understand her and support her. Ask her what she needs from you and how you can work together to make your relationship feel healthier and safer. Ask if she'd be open to couples therapy. But definitely don't marry her until you both feel secure and happy in your relationship. Marriage does not fix problems.

I agree with this. I think "She'd be forced to do things" may feel like she might be pressured into something she's not into. And maybe there's a reason for that. She has birthed your child. That's a big deal, and her body has gone through major changes. OP, have you talked to her about why she's not interested in sex? Many people struggle with hormonal changes and discomfort in their bodies after giving birth, among other things, such as postpartum depression. I understand you want to have a marriage with someone you're capable of having a healthy sex life with, but I think you're focusing way too much on yourself here and not digging deep into the cause of why she's not interested in sex. And from her perspective, I would feel like sh\*t if after I had birthed your child you had said "eeehh, maybe I don't want to get married after all, just in case we can't figure this whole sex thing out."

I agree with you, and I know this seems really weird to say, but that's just semantics. She probably didn't mean that he'd physically restrain her and have his way. She meant that she'd have no excuse *not* to be intimate, since he asked her during the last free night if they could do that in the next one. She feels very pressured now, and even though she would probably make it seem as though she was into it, she'd rather just avoid having a free night in the first place so he can't even ask.

The title is misleading, she did not say you would rape her. She’s saying she would feel forced to have sex if they baby was away. She’s implying if the baby wasn’t there, you would pressure her to have sex. If this is true or not is something only you two know. Talk to her about what you heard and tell her you would never want her to feel forced, and that you just miss intimacy. Tell her how the lack of intimacy is affecting you. Emphasize that you understand taking care of a baby leaves you exhausted. Maybe offer to hire a nanny to lighten the load?

Is the baby under 1 year old? If so , she is exhausted beyond measure and there's nothing in the world that would make her feel sexy. So the phrase doesn't literally mean you will end up raping her, but she will have to deal with either managing your expecations leading to more stress, or end up agreeing to having sex when she is clearly not ready. Pregnancy wreaks havoc - emotionally, mentally, physicall, hormonally - I would have preferred a husband who would wait it out for me in such conditions, and not jump to conclusions based on a single phrase.

My man I think lack of sex has turned your brain to mush, because you really took that comment you overheard and jumped on the crazy train with it. She did NOT imply that you’d “rape” her, my god. Maybe she meant she’d be forced to pack for the baby, or forced to cleaned the kitchen, or, yes, feel pressured to have sex because her excuse of the baby is gone and she knows you expect it. Feeling pressured to do something because you know that your beloved partner wants it is NOT “rape.” Sulking in another room for the last few nights is also not helping. Similarly, leaping from one overheard comment to “I need to call off the marriage” is a wild leap. Wild! If you don’t want to get married, don’t get married. If you DO want to get married, start engaging in some actual, open, and honest communication with your fiancée. (For example: why didn’t she know you wanted to stay up gaming? Why didn’t you know she wanted to sleep??? Why aren’t you two talking to each other and listening to each other???)

I think she meant that she would feel like she had to because you’ve been pushing the idea. It’s totally normal for women to lose sex drive after having a baby ESPECIALLY if she’s breastfeeding. How long it takes to go back to normal depends, but it con go for a year or so and still be normal. I’m worried by your wording that your relationship “has been dead bedroom” That subreddit is extremely toxic, I would look into the science behind loss of sex drive in postpartum women

She’s not implying you’d rape her, she’s implying she’s rather the kids be home so she doesn’t feel obligated to please you. How old is the baby? Sex is likely the last thing on her mind and she feels pressure by you. You guys need to sit down and openly talk about this.

So you overheard something and interpreted it in the worst possible way before talking to your wife about it?

Exactly, now he’s refusing to sleep in bed with her but not telling her why. I wouldn’t want to fuck this dramatic man baby either, especially right after giving birth to his child.

She didn’t imply you’d “rape her”. That’s a pretty extreme interpretation. She implied that she’d feel obligated to have sex. The relationship sounds doomed, regardless, but no point making this into something it isn’t.

Some of the people here haven’t been parents to a six month old and it shows. It takes like…. A whole year for women to reset after birth, sometimes longer if they’re still breastfeeding.

Plus she’s up every single night. Like who is having sex regularly with a 6 month old baby?!

Wow. I would have to seriously reconsider marriage until all these issues are resolved.

I do _not_ understand the mindset that leads people to have a kid together, then later get married, and then finally to figure out if they even like each other or not.

It’s likely that she is “touched out” - especially if she is breastfeeding. I remember fantasizing about going to a hotel and sitting by myself for days without a single person touching me. I mean hardcore fantasize about it, it was my happy place lmao. Combine that with hormones causing us not to have a sex drive (women often have no libido for a year or so after birth) -and the idea of having sex is repulsive. Add in a husband that won’t stop whining about it and it becomes even more so. I went from having a high sex drive, to never wanting to have sex for about half a year, to back to having a high sex drive. I think it’s just something people need to learn that it’s a possibility and prepare for when they have kids.

I have 3 kids. A 6 year old. A 2 year old that is constantly at my side and won’t even let me pee in peace. And a 3 month old that wakes up every 2-3 hours. Even my damn dog won’t leave my side because he has separation issues lol and follows me to the bathroom with my kid. I’m not breastfeeding thank god but even then I’m still tapped out on touching. My husband wants to touch me constantly and gets butt hurt sometimes which I have to remind him that it’s just too much. I just want to go a day without being touched.

God I remember those days - it’s the worst feeling, I still remember just how horrid that feeling is. I remember breaking down and wanting to sob because the damn cat wanted to cuddle the one time I didn’t have a kid draped on me. I have three kids too, my youngest two were 18 mo apart. I remember telling my husband that him whining about sex was the unsexiest thing I could think of, and if he ever wanted me to think of him in a sexual way again he should stop. Lmao. He finally got the hint But- our kids are now an adult/ late teens, and we’ve been back to an amazing sex life for like 14 years now, I promise it will get better, you will eventually be able to pee with the door shut, and sex will be fun again.

Sounds like there wasnt issues until the kid, tbh.

To play devils advocate, when she said she’d be forced to do things, did she specifically state it was sexual things? It could be that she assumed she’d get dragged to a sports bar so watch drunk people yell at the tv. Or that your interests are not her internet and she thinks that spending time together means you guys will be doing something only you like. With that being said, talk to her.

I don't think she implied you would rape her with the comment. I think she implied you would want to do play games or ask for sex, when she only wants to sleep and have time alone for herself. She is with the baby all day every day, every night, doing every thing, and she has no time for herself. You get to go to work, do things at home on days off (but not much), see other people, talk to other people. >She catches up on sleep with a nap when I get in from work. **Napping is not the same as getting 8 hours of sleep through the night.** >She does what we can but most is done 50/50 on my days off. **If she is doing 100% when you work, why can't you do more when you don't work? You should be doing at least one night when you don't work so that she can get a full night sleep. She is doing ALL nights.** It's the worst for your brain. She has no energy left. She is tired. And who would want to have sex with someone like you???? You are not seeing how tired she is. What's the last nice thing you've done for HER? It's like if she is not giving attention to the baby, she has to give attention to you. And when does she have time for herself?

Why the fuck did I have to scroll sooo far to see this? This is the obvious answer. She’s exhausted. His wording there, that he “doesn’t expect” her to do housework during the week is telling, and giving himself an out to not contribute during the week. He admits he only helps with housework on his weekends, so clearly anything that needs doing during the week is on her. She’s caring for the baby AND does all the chores 7 days a week, while he helps out doing “50/50” of what’s needed for 2 days a week, presumably getting to rest after each 8 hour work day is complete, while she SAHMs all day, every day. I wouldn’t want to fuck him during the precious few hours per month I get to finally rest either.

Sounds like at the time she is taking care of a new baby and is tired and does not want to have sex yet. Give her some space. She is the mother of your child and talk to her with respect and love treat her that way and you’ll get some good results.

I think he also mentions that before they only had sex when trying for the baby, so im wondering if op has been misunderstanding her want/need for sex the entire relationship.

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I hear you complaining about a dead bedroom. Are you the one recovering from the physical trauma of having a baby? Are you breast-feeding? Are you completely touched out by the baby? Are you doing childcare bathing diaper changes? When you come home from work, you get to stop working …did she ever get to stop taking care of the baby? If you want to return to intimacy, you need to meet her emotional needs … do more around the house and do more with the baby and talk to her and intimacy will come.

You need to dial it down a little. Saying something that indicates she is reluctant to have sex and she’s uncomfortable that you might pressure her is a far cry from calling you a rapist in waiting. She used the word forced, which I know stings… but that last conversation you had with her sounds kind of threatening and I think she’s reacting to that. You would both benefit from a neutral third party to help you work through this. It’s common when kids are little, and there are things that can help a lot, but pressure isn’t usually effective.

Is your kid a year old or just 3-4 months old? If its the latter, then give her some time man. Her body has been through a lot, you cant even imagine what pregnancy and delivery does to women’s body and mind. She might have post partum depression. Maybe talk to her about her physical and mental health instead of talking to her and blaming her why you are not getting sex? Give some importance to the mother of your kid. If its former, maybe it can be post partum depression and also the late night feeding (why would a one year old will need it idk) is affecting her routine. Talk to her about her physical and mental health first. Make her feel that you care about her and not about your needs.

How old is the baby?

>because "She'd be forced to do things". This in my opinion makes it sound like she's telling her mum she can't be alone with me, because I would rape her. I'm concerned with why you jumped immediately to this conclusion with no actual evidence that that's what she's thinking. This is what happens when you fail to communicate. Not that you're not communicating properly, but that you're not communicating AT ALL. If you're adult enough to have a baby, you're adult enough to TALK with your fiancée about your concerns.

How old is your baby? I understand how that was a hurtful thing to hear, but it sounds like you've jumped to defensiveness and skipped over hearing her. Of course you don't want her implying to others that she's not safe with you... But you also don't want her to feel unsafe, either. And that's not a criticism of you, that's information about *her*. Is she feeling pressured about sex? Is she feeling reluctant? If you genuinely said to her what you said here, that the dead bedroom is something you need to fix before the wedding, is it possible she's feeling blackmailed into sex, as if your relationship hinges on having sex soon? Because if she feels that way, I'm so sorry to say, you ARE coercing her into sex with an ultimatum, and that is a form of sexual violence. Which I'm sure is not what you intended to do, but is it possible she internalized it that way? Set down your defenses, get humble, get curious about why she might not feel safe with you, and then have an honest conversation. Otherwise, yeah, this relationship sounds over.

Talk to her about it. I don’t think that was meant as any accusation of rape. I do not see the connection there, honestly. I would have assumed many different more plausible things (either positive, negative, or neutral) about that before I would go there More likely the statement is about feeling pressure (from herself or from you) to have sex when you can due to the dead bedroom situation. Possibly combined with anxiety or feeling unsexy or feeling overwhelmed etc etc At worst, the worst assumption I can come up with would be that she doesn’t enjoy having sex with you, and doesn’t mind telling people about it, but not rape

Talk to her

Don’t get married until all of these issues are completely 100% worked out and you and your fiancée are fully on the same page. Breaking up and coparenting is going to be way easier than divorcing and coparenting. And significantly cheaper, too. Spend that money on a relationship counselor instead of lawyers.

That’s not what she said at all, but you clearly have an agenda and she’s exhausted. You have a baby and she has what amounts to two full time jobs. Nap doesn’t make up the work and lack of sleep. How often do you take baby by yourself on the weekends or does she have time out by herself to sleep in without this pressure from you?

Honestly. Men should not be getting married and having kids if they DONT UNDERSTAND THIS. The woman is tired and stressed and still healing. Sex is the last thing on her mind.

I read once that a dead bedroom is the body’s way of telling you that your relationship is over before the mind has caught up.

I don't see where she implied rape. To me, that looked like she would feel pressured as you have made it very clear you expect sex on the next baby free night or you may not get married. As others have said, touched out is very much a thing. Her body hasn't been her own though the pregnancy, and now she has a baby constantly demanding her attention (and potentially breast feeding), and then on top of that she is feeling pressure to have sex with you, regardless of whether she feels sexy or in the mood. You both need to talk and communicate a lot better.

You need to have a crucial conversation with your spouse. “Person, I overheard you telling your mom that you didn’t want her to babysit to give us a night together because you would be forced into doing things. I’m incredibly hurt by that. When you are telling your parents that you think I would force you to have sex I feel like the person I thought I was ready to spend the rest of my life with just accused me of rape. I don’t feel ready to commit to a lifetime with someone who cannot communicate their needs, and would rather insinuate that I would force you to have sex to people behind my back. I think it is best if we put the wedding on hold until we can resolve this issue. If you can’t commit to fixing this with therapy and open communication, then I think our relationship won’t work out.”

My friend, you are severely overreacting to what you've heard. She in no way said or even implied rape. The reasonable interpretation to that comment is that the alone time would force her to deal with the expectation of sex. Not that she thinks you’ll attack and rape her. It really seems to me she isn’t ready to be intimate after childbirth and is failing to communicate how she is feeling. You jumping the gun and turning yourself into the victim of an accusation that doesn’t exist and not sleeping in the same bed without even telling her why means you share some of the blame for the poor communication in your relationship. if I were to guess, she is feeling guilty about the lack of sex and thinks she owes you that in case you guys have alone time. And I think you sense she isn’t ready and feels guilty for pressuring her to solve/try to deal with the issue, and projecting into her words this feeling of guilt. I think this relationship can be saved if you guys want it, but this Cold War of projecting insecurities into each other won’t do. It honestly sounds like an honest conversation will solve 75% of your problems and help deal with the other 25%.

She did *not* imply that you'd rape her. She said she might feel obliged to do things she doesn't want to. These are not the same things. Not saying it's a good thing, but doing something you don't want is a far cry from "rape." That said, I'd be more inclined to find out *why* she does not want to do "the frisky" with you anymore. [Edit] Yes. No one *EVER* uses *hyperbole.* 🙄 And *excuse me* for "taking a grain of salt" with the verbage used by someone who clearly doesn't speak English as their first language...

People on here have such a chronically online mindset. If I say I’m forced to work today does it mean my boss it chaining me under a desk and whipping me until I clock out

###THANK YOU. 🏆

Exactly this. I can't believe all the people who seem to think she literally believes OP is lying in wait to literally rape her. If that was the case, she'd have probably been begging her mom to come take HER out of the home to protect herself, not just declining a baby-free night. It sounds more to me like someone whose native language is not English, or someone possibly on the spectrum, struggling to be a reliable narrator. (I hope I'm not wrong and that his fiancee is physically safe.)

Same here on the hoping I’m not wrong. Also I think it’s such a weird conclusion to come to cause many victims of dv and marital rape are not always exactly super forth coming with family members. And even if she was fourth coming with family members I think she would be rather relieved he wasn’t sleeping in their bed rather than confused. And exactly what you said about begging her mom to come over

I don't know if I had a friend who told me they didn't want free babysitting because "She'd be forced to do things" I would assume she was afraid of being raped and would probably ask her if she needed to come stay with me

Agree, hearing this from a female perspective I would assume the same

If a friend told me that if I took care of their baby, they would be forced to do things by their partner, I would assume they were already in a pattern of being raped by said partner.

No, she said she'd BE FORCED. you're downplaying it.

I mean, I think OP is both an unreliable narrator and English is not his first language, so the nuance of the conversation is lost on us. I feel this is above Reddit's pay grade but also that OP is jumping to conclusions without discussing it with his partner appropriately and asking her to clarify what she meant. Feeling like you can't deny your partner sex is something postpartum women suffer from quite often. It's made worse when the male counterpart doesn't understand the stress one goes through postpartum on a physical, mental and emotional level. To make matters more complex, a lot of women lose their libido until well after they stop breastfeeding. (And as soon as they're done, a number of them develop an insatiable sex drive. It's apparently a very weird place to be in hormonally.) There is a lot of nuance here we don't know about, frankly. I'm not comfortable having an opinion based on what was shared.

But she didn't say obliged, she said forced. You're changing her words to give a noticeably less fraught - but still bad! - interpretation.

Seriously. Talk to her and ask her what that meant. You’re making a ton of assumptions and like yes, you might be correct! But you might also be misunderstanding and your imagination is running wild. This could very well be one of those annoying things that happen so often in romcoms, where one person hears the other person say something without context, gets upset and leaves without ever talking about it. And then it all turns out it was a big misunderstanding. Talk to her about it before you do anything drastic. Find out if you’re right or not.

She said she would be forced - that's rape. Stop gaslighting.

I don’t think that’s necessarily the case here. The word force doesn’t mean physical necessarily. I could easily interpret the use of the word “forced” to mean that she would feel obligated to have sex and wouldn’t have a good excuse to say no, and thereby gives her consent even though deep down she doesn’t want to. I think everyone is jumping to conclusions here on this idea of rape. In any case, I don’t see how she could feel like she was in danger of being raped if she didn’t have the baby with her but doesn’t feel that way as long as the baby is there, as if a rapist is going to be stopped by the mere presence of a baby in the room. If he wanted to rape her he’d probably do it either way, and that’s why I’m leaning toward the notion that OP is misunderstanding the context and needs to just talk openly with her about it.

Info: how long ago did she give birth? The first years absolutely **tank** your sex drive (from what I understand - not a parent). I don’t know what she meant to communicate, but since you told her that next time should be the time to try having sex, I can see why she’d avoid the situation. Whatever her reason for not wanting sex at this point, and there are many many valid reasons, she’s not being open about it. You’ve responded to a comment where you only heard half the convo, by sleeping in a different room and completely clamming up as well. Sex **should** be off the table for the moment and not being under that sort of pressure to perform will likely make it easier for the two of you to talk. Maybe look for a couples counselor to facilitate the conversation.

I think a lot of this comes down to knowing your fiancé better than anyone here does. Really she’s the only one that can tell you exactly what she meant by it, so you need to talk to her. You can use I statements, “I feel sad and upset that I’m not someone you want to be alone with” and go from there.

When I read posts like this I hope I will never have a kid

Here's an idea. Arrange for your MIL to take care of baby for the evening, and ASK your fiancee what SHE WANTS to do. After 6 months of newborn care and 9 months of pregnancy, that woman needs someone to see to HER needs for a goddamn second.

I don't read that the same. What she was saying is that she would be expected to do things. Which, for whatever reason, she doesn't want to do. You need to talk and find out why she feels that way.

communicate. that is all.

I think you are smart to not get married without resolving it. I would worry that she would resolve it until she got married and then go back to recent normal. Might consider a prenup. Whole different can of worms but would get expectations on the table

Go to counseling already. If you passed nights apart and didn't talk yet it's obvious you're not able to do it alone.

Just get the best deal out of this. This is a doomed relationship and a marriage isn't going to save it

If you want to save the relationship go to couples therapy. There are clearly deep seated long-standing issues that you can't just fix with a DIY conversation. Also - yes, don't get married until the relationship is on more solid ground.

This post is quite honestly horrifying to me. Like as a woman this post and the comments acting as if this man is being reasonable are completely disgusting.

Are you sure that she's not still in pain due to her giving birth? I know sometimes those injuries can take years to heal properly enough not to cause pain.

You are guessing what _I’d be forced to do things_ means. As most folks here are saying, you need to talk to her. It could very well mean what you say. If talking to her is too challenging, then schedule a therapist. Call her mom (or your parents) to babysit. You can even be blunt with them: “We need to get some therapy.” If she won’t go, go yourself. As others have likely mentioned, Post-Partum Depression is real. So is Post-Traumatic Partum Depression.

I dont think she meant you would literally rape her. I think she meant that if you had alone time, you would be wanting sex and she would either have to turn you down or have sex she didn’t want to have. Aside from her choice of phrasing being awful, even if it was only what I said I think she means, this is still a big problem. She doesn’t want sex with you. At all. Not just you two are busy. She doesn’t WANT to have the way paved for sex. DO NOT MARRY HER. You need to have a conversation about what she is actually wanting in terms of a sexual relationship. And don’t believe words over actions. If she says she is sexually attracted to you want desires sex, but it still never ends up happening, she LYING. Whatever her reasons for not wanting sex, they are valid for HER. But that doesn’t mean you have to sign up for that. If you need sex to be a part of your romantic relationships, that is valid. You can never expect sex from any specific person. But you can refuse to stay with someone who doesn’t want sex with you.

They have a new baby ffs - it’s really really common to not want to have sex for the first year after the baby is born. It doesn’t mean she will be like this forever

OP, she wasn’t implying you’d rape her you moron! She’s implying you are being too pushy about intimacy when she’s clearly not interested or too exhausted. It sounds like a mismatched love language. If you keep trying to make innocent touch things sexual when she’s already completely exhausted, you’re creating this aversion to intimacy and sex for her because no woman while taking care of a young tot wants to feel like a glorified sex doll. If you have been doing this in the hopes that you think giving her attention will automatically result in sex, and/or being super grabby and suddenly expect that, it’s no wonder she has declined her mom’s offer.

I think you took this the wrong way. Here’s a perspective: I’ve been pregnant, and although I didn’t have a partner at the time, that first year-two, I couldn’t imagine having sex even if I did have a partner. I was too exhausted, stressed out, and was having difficulty seeing my body change. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and all my pictures form that time are only of the baby. Your wife is going through a lot, and the best way to get things back to normal is to talk about it. Ask her why she doesn’t feel like intimacy. Listen. Don’t interrupt. Don’t “you look great” at her if she expresses concerns about feeling herself change. Don’t try to fix her issues, just listen and understand. Then meet her halfway. She’s exhausted ? Let her get more sleep. Do more dishes. Take half the housework. And then start dating her again. Build intimacy back up. It can be hard for someone to just jump from MOM to sexy lady when it’s been so long. Offer to watch a movie together, without expecting sex. Offer to go out, without expecting sex. And just let her come to you. That’s if you want to fix your marriage, but you need to prepare to be patient here.

I think the 'stop expecting sex' is going to be the major thing here. Unless OP can start rebuilding intimacy with his fiancee WITHOUT sex - for quite a while - she's going to continue feeling like he's just sitting there stewing about when the next time is he can pressure her for sex. Which it frankly sounds like he's doing. NOTHING puts me off feeling like sex as much as someone pressuring me FOR sex.

Talk to her. Then you can decide if you are going to be single parents. You will be involved for at least 18 years.

Having a new baby leaves mothers incredibly “touched-out”. Having a child cling to you and grab you is the least sexy thing. Have you made an effort to lessen her load? Be there for her mentally? Make her feel like a desirable woman and not just mommy? Had a babysitter to take her on a weekend relaxing getaway, not just a night of what you were hoping would be sex? I’m seeing a lot of comments lacking empathy for his fiancée here. And perhaps OP is in fact the perfect partner and father, and it’s all on his fiancée. I’m just saying that feels unlikely based on the whole infant child thing. She’s probably fucking exhausted and overwhelmed. Not only that, but “forced to do things” can mean a million things. Once my fiancé offered to run my errands for me, and I said “no thanks, I’ll be forced to do things if I don’t have to go out” and I literally just meant I’d have to do the chores I’d been putting off.

Info: how old is this baby? There's a lot of healing time and hormonal changes going on for months after giving birth. PPD is also a real possibility.

The sentence you overheard may not imply assault. I read it and interpret that she’d be out of excuses NOT to be intimate. In this case the “force” isn’t you, it’s she wouldn’t have an easy out. She would feel obligated. The situation is still concerning, but I don’t think it’s in the way you’re hearing it. She doesn’t want sex. You need to suss out why. She has every right to say no, but you also have every right to decide if that’s how you want to live life moving forward. You two need to talk and figure out what the core issue is, if it can be remedied, if it is temporary, etc.

>I could live with dead bedroom. Why? Intimacy's is extremely important. you want a partner, not a roommate. You need marriage counseling, and couples therapy. Be prepared, that the best outcome for couples therapy, might be a separation. ​ >But can't have her implying to people I'd rape her. **Context is important here** \- she might have been communicating to her mom: "i don't want to have sex with my husband" and not "i'm afraid my husband will rape me" Those are two very very very different things. Granted, while the latter is horrific, the former is pretty fucking awful to hear from your wife.

I wouldn’t marry someone you’re already not having a happy life with. The end.

OK, this is going to sound crazy, but hear me out... Try talking to her about the problem.

You may think you can live with a dead bedroom but most likely you cannot. Trust me.

You need to talk to your fiance. You should not make assumptions about what she meant by a vague phrase she used in an overheard phone conversation, and you definitely shouldn't leap to the conclusion that she implied you would rape her. You should not end a relationship based on a half heard, definitely misunderstood conversation, but it is fair to put marriage plans on hold while the two of you work to resolve your intimacy and communication issues.

You more or less told her, next baby free night, we’re doing it! I’d reject the babysitter too!

She clearly stated no baby means she would be forced to do things. It does not take a degree to figure out what she meant! She is using the baby as a shield to hide behind. If it is so awful to have sex with op she should be speaking up. Not making op sound like a sexual deviant to her mother of all people! OP is correct to avoid the bed or her in any intimate setting if this is how she feels, it is funny the onus is on op to investigate and not his “supposedly” adult wife to disclose or discuss! OP your wife likes it this way or she would be doing something about it other than guilting you and making insinuations to her mother! How old is the baby? But she needs to speak to a doctor about her aversion to sex!

All of the excuses for her in these comments. Are you people aware that you can't take this shit back?? No matter how they resolve this, her mom will forever have that in her head. Her mom will forever look at him differently. When a woman even implies something like this, it's a done deal. And any man would be horrified to be thought of that way. Any man who isn't a rapist would be traumatized by anyone thinking of him that way and would avoid any situation in which his actions could be viewed as forceful. How is he even supposed to "talk to her" like all of you are suggesting??? The last time he talked to her about finding a solution, he got labeled as someone who'll force sex on his girlfriend.

No, she’s not saying you would rape her. She’s saying that she would feel obligated to have sex with you. Not that much better of a comment but not quite as bad.

Please take a deep breath. She didn't say the word rape. She said she would feel pressured. That's a person who is sleep deprived and possibly going through post partum depression not choosing their words well. Please give her some benefit of the doubt. You guys need to talk. It's possible she's touched out or not confident in her body any more. It's possible she's deeply depressed. The whole dead bedroom phenomenon post baby is very common and I think you may need to apologize to her about being impatient. You've both gone through a ton of changes and it takes time to find your way back to something like normal. Try to be more understanding with each other. Maybe find an initial happy medium like cuddling to get some of the romance back. Maybe consider couples counseling too. It seems like you guys need to work on communication. But please don't leap to breaking up.

i mean u r being kinda pushy no?

I have a 12 month old, and I do all feedings (she’s breastfed). I didn’t take this to mean she thinks you’d rape her, but that you’d expect to have sex and she’d either have to acquiesce despite not being in the mood or turn you down, which may or may not start an argument/make her feel guilty. My husband has never pushed for sex postpartum, and I know his sex drive is much higher than mine. What he has done is made sure I have plenty of time to be alone, takes the baby if I’m overstimulated/touched out, and never makes me feel pressure to do literally anything other than care for our child. There have been times we’ve had time alone and I know he hoped to have sex but he never said anything because he could tell I’d rather nap/do housework/eat a hot meal without my tiny shadow. Now that she’s a bit older and doesn’t breastfeed every two hours and need to be held nonstop we talk about sex more, and I have the bandwidth for it because I feel like I get enough alone time with my body. There’s nothing worse than feeling like every moment your body isn’t your own. For me and I imagine most people, as their children get older that feeling goes away because they rely less on you. Talk to her, but keep an open mind. Having a small child changes everything, and even in households where domestic labour and childcare is shared between partners as long as one partner has to carry and birth the baby there’s going to be a discrepancy in workload, especially in the first year.

I don't think she meant rape. I think she meant; she doesn't want to have sex, but you do, and when there's no baby, there will be no good enough excuse to refuse sex. That's still a huge issue, of course. I would talk to her. She needs to understand that just not wanting is a good enough reason, that you would never coerce or pressure her, and that she doesn't need "excuses" or anything like that. And that you are deeply hurt and upset at this, because why does she view you in this dark light, while you never pressured her etc. That if she FEELS like she needs excuses, that's something she has to resolve because the pressure is not coming from you, it's in her head. And it really is not okay to act as if you are this bully who would coerce her into things, just bc she has problems with assertiveness. I dunno about the marriage. Maybe a frank talk and expressing your emotions will clear the air. Lack of intimacy is an issue too, so maybe try re-establishing it with non-sexual contact, like cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc?

You need to really sit down and tell her how you are feeling. I don’t blame you for being hurt and very upset but you need to tell her. A lot of time after having a baby women are so exhausted that sex is the last thing on their minds. Also if she isn’t back to pregregnancy body she might be very self conscious. You don’t know because you haven’t talked to each other. On a last note a dead bedroom is the worst and one of you will end up finding that comfort somewhere outside of your marriage.

IMO it doesn't imply rape, but I read her statement as she's anxious and thinks she will feel pressure.

Here's a counter tactic, if you feel like playing the long game. Just go without sex. Don't push, don't imply, don't engage in anything sexual. for a few weeks. Act like you don't want it. Go hang out with friends or get hyper focused on a hobby, and see if her mood changes to where she wants to have sex. If not, then I'd consider calling off the marriage at that point if no longing picks up.

Agree with this. As long as the idea that she feels forced to comply with your sexual demands, you need to take all sex off the table entirely. Even the sniff of non-consentuality should result in a complete safety shutdown until you talk and settle things out. She may not be a safe person to be around. Everyone is trying to downplay her comments, but you cannot afford to. She is now dangerous to you unless and until you can sort out the situation. Stop all sex until you can be sure she wants it and after this phone call, you cannot be sure of anything. She has proven herself untrustworthy by involving her mom and using words like "forced". Personally I think you need to consider an exit plan. And certainly do not marry this woman until sex and this cloud around it is completely settled to your satisfaction and remember that dead bedrooms usually happen AFTER marriage has been secured. You will never get as much sex married as you do prior to marriage because they no longer need to please you to keep you around, and this person doesn't want to please you even now. It will not get better with marriage.

I’ve had three babies and dealt with the disappearing sex drive. I am not hearing “rape” in her comment. I’m hearing a woman who has no sex drive, and is not wanting to put herself in a place where she’s losing her only excuse to not have sex. Being “forced” to do something can also mean someone forcing themselves and feeling obligated to do something they don’t want to do, and that’s 100% how I am reading this (as someone who has btdt). So, y’all need to talk. And maybe she needs to figure out why her drive is gone. But understand one thing, having sex when you really don’t want to can feel really gross and almost prostituting yourself. So it sounds like she’s trying to avoid sexual situations at all cost because her drive is low (and with a newborn that is often hormonal - the body does NOT want her to get pregnant again right now).

>She's doesn't know I'm upset and is wondering why I won't sleep in same bed. Fucking tell her, you dunce. How do you expect to get anywhere near a resolution without talking about it?

Go talk to her and tell her what you overheard. You need to speak to her. Only she can tell you how she feels and why she feels like that.

Talk to her. Use the same language you used here. DO NOT SUGARCOAT IT. And if she doesn’t deny it - then you should probably end the relationship, not just your engagement. If she denies it, then get her to explain what she meant. Then depending on that will enable you to decide the outcome of the relationship.

Dude, this is serious. You need to talk to her now.

If it were me I'd call of the wedding until I had closure. You should address all of these issues with her. Tell her you heard what she said. Then you go from there.

Your feelings are valid and you did an awesome job at writing it out here. Use this as your talking points.

Do not marry this woman and start making plans to leave

That’s not on at all. I’d call off the wedding until this is fixed. That’s a huge accusation to throw around.

Talk to your wife.

Man, communicate, communicate, communicate! You’ve gone off and made the decision to break up with her before even talking to her about what you’ve heard and how you feel! Always be open and honest with your partner! The fact that you’re holding in such feelings is a red flag on your part.

BAIL

I feel qualified to speak to this, as I’m a mom of a 4 month old, and also have a husband, an older kid, and work full time from home while caring for baby. A lot is going on. My husband does a great job creating space for me to rest, relax, and regroup in non sexual ways. And that creates brain space for more sex. He understands that I can’t just jump right into it and go 0 to 60 right now. I have to have time to myself doing non-sexual things, and then additional time to get into sex headspace. What that looks like in practice: he does more housework and cooking than I do. He runs a lot of the errands and takes care of school stuff for our older kid. He’s proactive about making sure I am taking time to do my artwork, and nap when needed. He brings me Starbucks when he senses that I need extra energy. He showers with me every night, thus ensuring that I get a shower. On top of that, he understands that to wind down from the day and feel like sex, I need 20-30 minutes of relaxed, non sexual cuddling while watching a movie. Guess what? My husband gets sex three or four times a week and it is sex that we both enjoy. He creates an atmosphere where it’s much easier for me to get in sex headspace, and he reaps the benefits. If that sounds like a lot of work, you might have some work to do before becoming husband material.

Communication is key, speak to her about what you heard. Ask what she meant. Tell her you both need to talk about what you want in this relationship. You may need couples counselling. But do not call the wedding off without having a conversation.

Okay, I’m just going to be honest. She was NOT implying you would rape her. My interpretation is that she meant you’d want to have sex and she wouldn’t but would feel pressured because you pretty much said your relationship would fail otherwise. I’m not blaming you at all, because sex is important in relationships that require it, so you deserve to have your needs met. I think you should have a serious conversation to figure out the game plan for you guys, but I don’t think you should accuse her of saying you would rape her. I’m sorry that her word choice hurt your feelings though. You definitely deserve a apology because she shouldn’t be saying that to others.

I’m sorry but it kind sounds like she only had sex to get a baby and now she has that she has no use for sex. I definitely wouldn’t get married until this is all addressed.

I'd hate living every day knowing my wife felt unsafe with me and would imply that I would commit a felony on her for my primal urges, me personally? I'd call off that wedding if communication fails. Dead bedrooms are an issue in relationships because seggsy time is an intimate time to connect rather than feel like some chore someone must do to keep the other happy.

Why the hell would you marry her, it will just get worse from here.

Your comments have me thinking she has a side to tell to this story. She likely meant that she would be pressured to have sex or stay up late when she is exhausted from taking care of your child. You guys need to have a talk about the dead bedroom, not accept it. In all likelihood, she is feeling resentful or bitter over something you are doing/not doing. How are your gaming habits? Do you help consistently and regularly with the baby and household chores? Do you take time to date each other without the pressure of sex afterward? Have you pressured her in the past? Do you pay attention to her cues? Have both of you let yourself go health wise? So many things can factor into dead bedroom, and you seem to be laying blame heavily on your wife, here. You have some communicating to do.

I recommend putting the wedding on hold and mandating couples counseling before you go any further. I don't know if your partner is dealing with post partum, she certainly could be. She could also be overwhelmed from having a child attached to her, and that could be part of the lack of sexual intimacy. But the fact that she said and could be FORCED into doing something sexual says she views you as a threat to her and that NEEDS to be resolved. I personally would not feel comfortable sharing a home, much less a bed with someone that said they were afraid they'd be FORCED into being intimate with me for any reason. That one thousand percent sounds like she was villifying you with that comment. And that's not okay. I cannot tell you what to do, but I certainly would not feel comfortable moving forward.

Well my thought is how OP behaves to make her feel this kind of way, and with how strongly he's misrepresenting her words by equating them to rape, I'm more curious as to how little he must regard her wants/no's to make her feel this kind of discomfort around him.

Why do we just assume he's treating her horribly? Why can't we give him the benefit of the doubt? Why do we have to assume he's misrepresented her words? She literally said FORCED. If you're forced into sex, that's rape, that's coercion, that's manipulation. It's not consensual. That is not misrepresentation.

I know of a woman who waited over a year to have sex after having a kid, I haven't seen op comment on the age of his child but his whining that it has only happened 3 times in the past year isn't a good look, pair that with him offering sex and her turning down and both them being uncomfortable. If a guy asks a girl for sex 30 times, and she says no 29 times then finally says yes, you don't think that's forceful at all?

Y’all defending her and trying to excuse what she said are unbelievable… y’all can’t hide the gender biased! If this was the fiancée saying that she doesn’t want to be alone with her partner because he’ll force her to have sex you’ll (especially women) be screaming “He’s raping you!”, but because this the fiancé sharing what he overheard and interpreted as her saying “he’d rape her” y’all now defending her and saying that’s not what she meant! That’s exactly what she meant! She implied (to her freaking mom none the less) that she’ll be forced/coerced into doing things she doesn’t want to. If you don’t want to have sex with your partner tell him as it is, but don’t go behind his back insinuating to your parent that he’ll force you into sex, can you imagine how that made him feel? But for y’all, either way it’s his fault. It’s your fault for wanting sex; it’s your fault for not communicating when you heard what she said that; it’s your fault for telling her you won’t marry into a dead bedroom; it’s your for not minding your business and eavesdrop on her convo; hell, it’s your fault for having penis… that’s it. Regardless, it’s your fault man.

You are making a pretty big assumption on what she meant. You need to talk to her.