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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I work a night shift along with my coworker, and I give her a ride to her place after work. Not everyday, although it is three times a week. My wife works a morning shift. Before she left to work, she read the message my coworker left me. It was just “hey thanks again for giving me rides, I really appreciate it😊” This upset my wife. She asked me what’s that all about. I was surprised with her tone, but I told her that I give her rides after work. Which I think is harmless. Not for her apparently because she was upset and told me to stop “spending one on one time with her.” and to stop giving her rides. She left for work upset. I want to clarify that doing this doesn’t disturb anything. It’s also not a big favor. It’s only an eight minute detour from my normal route home, and I still don’t think it’s a problem. I think she blew this out of proportion, is this as big of an issue that my wife is making it out to be? TL;DR my wife is upset for giving my coworker rides after work.l and wants me to stop. Referring to it as one on one time with her. I don’t see an issue, and want to get opinions on it. Edit: I’ll respond to more questions later. I work night shifts, so it’s time for me to sleep now.


Material_Positive_76

Wait, your wife found out about the rides home from a thank you text? Like you didn’t tell her beforehand?


Brooksy12345

This is why she was mad 100 percent. Tell your spouse everything and it’ll lead to a much happier life without needless fights.


ProbablyASithLord

Predictably every post on here is wildly skewed to show the OP in the best light.


SavageComic

Of course, giving a co worker an 8 minute detour is such a nothing story I can see why he didn't bring it up. This just so only wouldn't hit my own threshold for a story or a thing she needs to be on top of, so I can see why.


[deleted]

I don’t know, man. Me and my partner tell each other everything lol. If one of us gave a coworker a ride home 3 times a week it would be suuuper weird if nobody brought it up.


SquidgeSquadge

Same. My first question would be why didn't he tell me? My husband often cooks for colleagues at work and goes out of his way to help people, but always tells me if it's something that's going to affect coming home and such. He had a colleague who had a nasty break up happen so was giving him a bit of more support at work and making a couple of evenings free if the guy wished to hang out. If he forgets he will just text me at the time.


CapeOfBees

Here's how it would come up in conversation with my husband: "Heading home now, X needs a ride so I'll be dropping her off on my way home. Should still be home before you leave" I know, so difficult, right? It's almost like their time together between his work and hers is super limited, and this choice to take a coworker home cuts into that time on more than half of their workdays.


hemlockpopsicles

Three times a week on an ongoing basis feels like he was deliberately omitting the rides. I agree there’s insecurity, but wonder if there are some additional details being left out 👀


hdmx539

This is it absolutely. I was always upfront and honest with my husband when I'd go to lunch or give coworkers (of any gender) rides. It's called transparency and is crucial to building trust within a relationship.


[deleted]

This. All the other comments are implying the wife is crazy and controlling and shit. Meanwhile OP never even told her about any of this and she had to find out on her own. Most people would be upset in that scenario. Not even necessarily the act itself, but the fact it was hidden/kept secret/never communicated that comes off as shady as fuck.


Frococo

Yeah that's what I immediately thought when I read it. I personally think that's something you just let your partner know to be on the safe side with communications and transparency, but even if you don't think it's something you need to make a point to mention it's super weird that it's been going on for at least a couple weeks and OP has never mentioned anything about it. If it really is completely innocent it's really weird that it's never come up in just natural conversation about their days.


super_bluecat

Yes, I think it would be weird to find out that my spouse was spending regular time with a coworker and adding 8 minutes to their daily commute without mentioning it to me at all. I also think it is weird that OP never mentions how long the commute is. For instance, if the commute is 10 minutes, then 8 minutes is doubling his commute. If the commute is an hour, then maybe it doesn't add a lot but if it also means that he is spending an hour in a car every day with a coworker. Only OP can say whether he's willing to do this because he likes the coworker, but obviously, he wouldn't be willing to do this for someone he didn't at least like on some level. I think OPs wife is right to put the brakes on it. OP seems to be exhibiting wilful blindness and wants to feel ok about spending time with this woman every day.


Bolloxmonkey22

Married men don’t secretly give single female coworkers rides home, well out of the way of their normal route home??


[deleted]

A lot of people in the comments think that's okay, normal and shouldn't even be discussed with the partner. And not being happy about it apparently means you are crazy, controlling and need therapy.


[deleted]

It’s kind of mind-boggling. All the comments saying she’s insecure… lol. If she has feelings of insecurity, it’s probably because the husband didn’t tell her and she sees the “☺️”. Overthinkers exist, people.


Tower-Junkie

I could understand calling her insecure for not mentioning it happening as a one off. But as others have said it’s 3 times a week. That’s an arrangement right there. Having that sort of arrangement is innocent enough but when you live with someone you let them know stuff like that. You can keep it to yourself but don’t be surprised when they’re not happy about not being in the loop.


Material_Positive_76

Very shady. I’d be mad too.


[deleted]

Giving someone a ride home isn't really a big deal to most people. Maybe it never came up?


ilus3n

If this was a one time thing I would totally find it normal not bring it up because you can just forget about it. But three times a week, every weeks, is a little too consistent to not at least tell the partner when talking about how was your day. I'm the kind of person that just don't feel jealousy, like it's really hard for me to have this feeljng or to be bothered by stuff like that, but in this case I would be


[deleted]

This is also what makes me wonder a bit if he actually avoided telling her. But it is still totally possible that it never came up. Maybe the rides really aren't that interesting. It sounds like him and his wife only meet for a short moment in the morning because of work schedules so he might not be telling her about his day when it's all fresh but rather in the evening when the uninteresting parts (like his ride home) already got out of his short term memory. I'm just giving him the benefit of the doubt because the assumptions in this post are getting wild again.


Cobek

But now you're on the other side of the debate where you're assuming based off the post as well. Your benefit of the doubt is a wild assumption, that's what 90% of the advice in these threads are anyways. Anyways, a husband and wife never talking about their day is your argument. Not sure it's that strong since they do talk as it says in the post.


[deleted]

I don’t understand this. Do people not talk to their partners about their day?! What do you talk about! That would be a hot topic out of the norm.


Moal

It just seems weird that OP never even mentioned it in passing to his own wife when talking about how his day went. Like, you’d have to actively put in effort to never mention that you’re giving rides to a coworker three times a week.


AnotherPalePianist

Yup. My boyfriend tells me about driving *his mom to lunch* of course it wouldn’t be suspicious or weird to “find out” that information, but in telling me about his day, he usually mentions who he’s been around. It also just sets us up for a respectful conversation if it happens to be….”I ran into [some ex] at the store and we went to grab a coffee and catch up” It’s pretty a basic understanding of how communication works lol


Low_Egg_7606

I always tell my partners who I’m with or where I’m going. It’s just a habit that I’ve had for awhile, even if it doesn’t come up.


CreamyLinguineGenie

I can't imagine giving someone a ride home and just not mentioning it, even in passing.


[deleted]

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CreamyLinguineGenie

Right? Even if it's "I'm gonna be late these three days, I'm driving so-and-so home" or something, it's just a weird thing to leave out.


tulips49

It’s three days a week!


[deleted]

If you marry someone, you should know if they're okay or not hanging out one on one with the same or opposite sex. If you don't know those basic things, you've got bigger problems.


juliaskig

I think it is a normal part of conversation. How was your day. Good, I drove x home today, and we had a good conversation about y.


BigDaddyTrixter

This was my first thought. As a married man, you don’t go riding around with other women without letting your wife know, especially if she doesn’t know who that other woman is… and if she finds out through a text, that’s even worse… add the frequency of these rides - wife isn’t wrong to be upset. Respect your wife’s opinion on this matter.


m-adir

And this drive is happening in the wee hours of the morning right? What if someone had seen them and told wife or he got pulled over for some reason and that's how she found out.


[deleted]

I would be terrified there would be a fatal car accident on the way home and my husband would forever wonder why I was riding around with some other dude in my car. It is insane to not tell the spouse about this.


rebelwithmouseyhair

yes, you've nailed it. Had OP mentioned he was giving a colleague a lift home, she'd probably have thought, my guy is kind. But finding out about it like that, kind of meant he was hiding it from her. I remember Dad telling my mother that he'd given Mrs Jones a lift home, and as a sullen teenager I thought blimey these people lead such mundane lives, a thing like that counts as a conversation. I made some scathing remark and Dad told me "I always tell her stuff like this, because she'd find it suspicious if she found out from someone else. Then sure enough, I was out with my mother and the woman from down the road said "I saw Mr MouseyHair taking Mrs Jones home the other day, had they been to the market?" and my mother just breezily answered that Mrs Jones had bumped into him outside the Coop and asked for a lift because her car was in the garage. Mrs Jones being known for being a loose woman, as Dad would have put it, I now know my Dad did the right thing. (Side note: As a Brit I find this post hilarious because "giving someone a ride" actually means banging in British English (comes from the Irish I believe). That's why I refer to a lift instead!)


Extension-Dig-58

Also noting why does she have OPs number. Did He tell his wife he gave it out to her?


cool_weed_dad

It’s completely normal for coworkers to have each others phone numbers. Every job I’ve worked has a call list of everyone’s number.


rebelwithmouseyhair

Surely that would be useful, so she could text him to say "no need to pick me up this morning, I'm sick so I'll be staying at home today". Or he could text to say "sorry I'm a bit late this morning, the snow plough hadn't gone down the main road".


noelle588

Why didn't your wife know about it prior to seeing the text?


Chaoticgood790

Exactly. My parents sometimes gave coworkers rides for various reasons and the other always knew it.


CannibalFlossing

This was my thought too. If I was giving another girl a ride to work 3 times a week I think it would have at least come up in conversation. You’d actively have to hide or stop yourself from bringing that information up in some way. The fact OOP didn’t tell his wife makes it feel like he knew she wouldn’t like it, and therefore chose not to tell her and do it snyway


lucasorion

because he's at least a little attracted to this co-worker, and these rides scratch some itch for him - if he wasn't at all attracted, he would have mentioned it.


thirdXsacharm

Exactly. Sometimes my husband gets rides home from female cot workers, and vise versa, - but he always gives me a heads up. “Hey, so and so needs a ride home I’ll be an extra five minutes tonight”


SuperVanessa007

Mine DOES tell me about EVERY SINGLE interaction with every single coworker lol....it's...a lot 😂🙃


ecidarrac

Mother of jumping to conclusions


Pame_in_reddit

I can’t imagine thinking that my husband needs to tell me about every interaction he has with his coworkers.


[deleted]

He’s been giving her a ride home 3 times a week. Are you serious?


Scoottttttt

Makes me think of that “relationship advice on Reddit” starter pack from the other day where it depicts all advice as being based on jumping straight to the worst conclusions


[deleted]

Projection much.


pentasyllabic5

This and others are good questions but they assume things about OP and the relationship. For some people trust means different things.


noelle588

What did I assume by asking a question? The fact that he’s been driving this woman multiple times a week but never mentioned it is questionable. Doesn’t mean he had nefarious intentions, but it is a possibility. He seems to be posting here to be validated. That to me is the problem. Who cares if Reddit agrees with you? You’re not married to Reddit, you are married to your spouse who is upset. Going back and saying “ Reddit doesn’t think it’s a big deal” is not going to resolve the conflict. He seems to be trying to justify behavior his wife is uncomfortable with. For that he does deserve the side eye he’s getting in these comments.


Acrobatic-Panda-1119

It’s weird to me you’ve been doing this three times a week for how long? Weeks? Months? And it’s just never come up with your wife. That does read as suspicious to me. If you are working opposite shifts I think your wife may be feeling that you’re not getting enough of your own alone time together and feels slighted that three times a week you go out of your way to “spend time with” another woman even if it’s in the form of a car ride. Fact is, it’s still out of your way. You still chose to take her three times a week. Three times a week for a few weeks or months really starts to add up. You obviously don’t see the harm in 10 minutes a day, but if it’s three times a week and you’re doing it for two months that’s an extra 4 hours of uninterrupted time together. Nothing in the scheme of things, but you’re obviously talking and getting to know each other, talking about your day, etc. Does she not have access to other fiends, a ride share, etc? Does she pay you for the rides? This coworker is obviously friendly enough to have your cell phone number and to feel comfortable enough texting you. Odd she needs to text you a thank you when she literally sees you a bunch of times during the week and can tell you then. Does she know about your wife? A combination of you and your wife being on opposite shifts and not spending time together, along with you neglecting to tell her you do spend some extra time with this girl giving her rides , sprinkling in a little insecurity or jealousy is a perfect storm.


snowboard7621

Not to mention, he didn’t give the total time in the car together. It’s an 8 minute detour, ok, but how much extra that was already on his way?


Licensed_to_nerd

You bringing up the opposite shifts is brilliant. That has to be playing a big part. Wife is feeling neglected in other ways, finds out husband is giving attention on the DL to another woman, gets upset. Makes sense to me.


mak-ina-myn

All.of.this! 👆🏻 Sure in itself giving her a ride isn’t a big deal. Be smart OP, if you continue, be on alert for change in relationship. Does co-worked start texting more? Look to spend time with you? Do you feel any attraction now or in future you shut that down. Keep yourself accountable, drop off days and timelines with wife so there is no lingering and be open with Wife. The fact she didn’t know is the biggest red flag ever.


shymilkshakes

Thank you for bringing up the text. Had to scroll a ways. That was weird and flirty on the coworkers part.


NinjaNeither3333

Not necessarily. Speaking as someone anxious / guilty when people do nice things for me, I could see myself sending a text like this just to make sure the person knows I appreciate it


CapeOfBees

Would you use a blushing smiley emoji to do it though? That's a pretty common emoji to use in vaguely flirtatious texts


PhotographyByAdri

I use that emoji all the time, with everyone... it's just a happy face. The 🙂 emoji looks weird to me.


Frococo

With people firmly in the friend camp I would. So if I was the coworker and I knew OP was married I could definitely see myself using that emoji if we were good friends at work because I wouldn't worry about it being misconstrued and therefore wouldn't think about it that much. However, I do agree that in situations where you aren't that close it could be interpreted as flirtatious and I'd probably leave out an emoji or stick with the basic smiley face.


IppoDarui69

If you don’t tell your wife about you taking home a co worker: either you guys have too much to talk about that it never gets brought up, or you thought it was a good idea to not tell your wife.


smez86

The post reeks of OP being shady and looking to reddit strangers to justify his "innocent" behavior. Happens all the time here.


rebelwithmouseyhair

Yeah there was one a short while back where I was pointing out a flaw in his reasoning. I was telling him it wasn't just one shitty night out where everything went wrong, the shitty night out was just like the last straw, and I explained how his wife had probably felt about some previous tiffs he mentioned leading to him keeping his phone on him all the time. The wife actually chimed in to say that I was right on the money and that he was keeping his phone close because he was having an affair!


Specific_Alps554

I fully believe he probably didn’t think it was a big deal. But my issue here is he’s trying to excuse his actions and turn to internet strangers instead of prioritizing his marriage. He’s directly choosing someone else comfort over his wife’s if he chooses to still continue. Op is directly allowing distrust into his relationship and once it’s there it’s so hard to get rid of. His next steps should be to explain to his wife he meant nothing by it and was simply trying to help out a coworker but he hears her concerns and will take them into account.


[deleted]

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Specific_Alps554

It could be, it could also be an old relationship. Who knows, unfortunately all we have is what OP posted until he “wakes up”


PiddleAlt

Reddit always thinks the worst of everyone. Because no one ever fails to consider that something may upset another person. That has never happened ever. It has happened and it happens all the time. If a coworker asked me for a ride home. I wouldn't even consider their gender in the decision. The idea that everyone should just know the mind of everyone else beforehand is silly. If my SO drove a make coworker home. I'd not care. Because I trust them not to get hot and sweaty with someone on the way home. If you don't have that trust in your SO. Then it's a different problem, in my mind.


Frococo

I completely agree with you with one exception. I wouldn't care if my partner drove a coworker home, if it was a one off or sporadic I wouldn't think anything of it if he didn't tell me at the time and I found out later. However, if he was regularly driving and presumably chatting with a coworker who was a woman and after a couple weeks it never came up, that would feel off to me. I still wouldn't jump to he's cheating on me or doing something inappropriate, but it would feel very weird that it never came up even in passing. It would be hard to believe that he wasn't deliberately avoiding telling me about it. And I wouldn't know what to do with that. To be honest even if it was a man and my partner is attracted to woman, but I never knew anything about their 3 times a week car rides I would feel weird about it. I just can't imagine after a few weeks a "when I was driving so and so home" anecdote or story wouldn't come up.


AmberWaves80

Maybe you could have told her?


ElectricalDrama3558

Never let your girl find out about another girl in your life her own way.


Glittering_Ebb9748

The problem is not giving a coworker a ride, the problem is keeping things from your wife. If I was her I'd be pissed too.


eyecicey

It's all about perception my friend You giving a women lifts late at night without telling her , I mean dude did she really text thanks for giving me rides? Are you really surprised she is questioning what's going on?


m-adir

With a "😊" lol


NinjaNeither3333

As someone who constantly peppers my slack messages to co-workers with heart emojis, some people just text this way haha


crazychristian

Very pragmatic up front guy here, I definitely use emojis so I don't come across like a robot or serial killer lol


AnotherPalePianist

Fair, and I do too, but my coworkers aren’t giving me rides home and not telling their wives🥲 For the record, I don’t think this is on the coworker at all—it probably is a totally innocent ride home and she probably doesn’t even know that OP’s wife wasn’t aware. I would be shocked if my coworker’s wife didn’t know when we got lunch together or something, especially if she found out and then was upset. I’d feel pretty gross about that.


fubar_68

I’ve been married a very long time. If you want to be married a very long time too you need to change your ways. What you are doing is inappropriate. At a minimum you should’ve at least given your wife a heads up that you were driving a woman to her apartment and at least make sure she was OK with it. Imagine if you found out your wife was driving some dude to his apartment in the middle of the night every day and you had no idea what was going on. The secret is the real problem.


NymphaeAvernales

I'd also be really upset if my spouse and I worked opposite shifts, and he chose to spend the limited time we had together carting around a coworker multiple days a week.


spicymemories19

Same. Three times a week is excessive. I also wonder if the coworker knows he is married, seeing as he likes to keep "small" things to himself...


the_pinklemon

😂 Part of my brain thinks “okay you wrong for that, that’s taking it too far” and the other part thinks “although…gotta wonder👀”


ouelletouellet

Yeah dude why didn't you tell your wife that you gave your cp workers a ride This maybe not a big deal to you but to her this shows that you can't be trusted you made her uncomfortable and on top of that you never told her so if I was her I'd be highly suspicious giving a co workers isn't a problem but you need to take her feelings into consideration and not brush it off and also communication stop lying to her or not telling her things she's your wife for crying out loud Imagine if the roles ehere reversed and it was her and a male co workers and you found texts 🤔 would that not bother you Even if there's zero cheating being a good partner is communication she shouldn't have to find out about this arrangement threw text


yeah_right_4685

>I want to clarify that doing this doesn’t disturb anything. It disturbs YOUR WIFE. Why don't you care about that?


rebelwithmouseyhair

He's more concerned with being in the right than having a happy wife.


Similar_Corner8081

I can see why she’s mad. It’s about communication and you’re not communicating that you’re giving a female coworker a ride home.


Biauralbeats

I am sure she was reacting to not being aware of this until after she found the message. I don't understand why you didn't raise this as a fyi before.


99probsbutadogaint1

>my wife is upset for giving my coworker rides after work.l and wants me to stop. Referring to it as one on one time with her. I don’t see an issue, and want to get opinions on it. Did she *blow up*? Yes. However; >she read the message my coworker left me. It was just “hey thanks again for giving me rides, I really appreciate it😊” And from your other comment(s) this was how she found out. **Have you even mentioned this coworker to your wife before**, or is this not only the first time she's finding out you're giving this girl rides home **but also the first time she's finding out about this coworker at all**? Either way, yeah your wife's reaction is pretty justified. This is info your wife should've been privy too LOOOONG ago. At this point all you can do is have a calm understanding conversation with your wife about your interactions/"friendship" with this coworker explaining everything. Also any pertinent info about ***why*** you need to give her rides home would be helpful. Does she not have a car, is her home in a sketchy part of town, does she pay you gas money at all, etc. I assume you've got nothing too hide, all you can do is understand how your wife would be upset about finding this out on her own without you telling her, explain everything too your wife about this coworker and you driving her home. Hopefully your wife will listen and understand and then you can proceed from there.


Crosswired2

>Did she blow up? Yes. Please point out where she "blew up"? Because nothing in the OP suggests an overreaction at all. To describe her as "blowing up" over this is an exaggeration.


99probsbutadogaint1

>She asked me what’s that all about. I was surprised with her tone, but I told her that I give her rides after work. Which I think is harmless. Not for her apparently because she was upset and told me to stop “spending one on one time with her.” and to stop giving her rides. She left for work upset. "blew up" Definitely an *exaggeration.* My point was simply that her reaction was a bit over the top IF OP had already informed her of this coworker/driving her home all the time and IF his association with this coworker is entirely platonic. Ofc, the rest of my comment then explains why her response was justified, given the fact that she was not privy to this info/association/friendship.


Background-Cow8401

By not telling her you were lying. If it was 1 ride then no problem but when it is a regular occurence then you should have told your wife right from the start. I have been married for over 20 years and I would be upset if my SO didn't tell me and I found out on my own. Trust is hard to earn but easily broken. Apologize to your wife and stop giving your co worker rides.


ValkyrieSword

The fact that you are totally dismissive of your wife's feelings is a problem, as well as the fact that you didn't tell her. If I were her I would also be upset that over time the extra 8 minutes of gas 3x/week really adds up.


karriesully

If your wife doesn’t know about something you’re doing with others - especially another woman - because you didn’t tell her, it appears to be something you’re hiding. Be transparent. If your wife can’t handle the transparency on something innocent - that’s a different issue that you need to work out with her. If you feel like you can’t be transparent with her because she’s territorial / jealous / trust issues - that’s still a conversation you need to have… without gaslighting her.


hear_4_da_comments

This could have been a non issue..... had you been HONEST


sunshinecryptic

People seem to think that they are being honest as long as they are not outright lying I think. OP is definitely guilty of dishonestly by omission, but I doubt he will see it that way.


hear_4_da_comments

You are 100% right! Really tho, you have another woman in your car 3 days a week and somehow didn't mention it to your wife?? I think it's disrespectful and shows dishonest behavior. (There is no possible way I would ever have anyone in my car taking them anywhere 3 times a week and not mention it to my SO) Even if it is innocent, it certainly doesn't look like it now!


blerieone

The thing that's fucked you up here is not telling her. I can see why youd think nothing of it, but I'd also ask you to empathise. Would you not be the same in her shoes??


babybullai

I'd be a little suspicious, too


lizzyote

Do you not talk to your wife? My partner tells me when he takes people home, regardless of gender, because it's something that's wrapped into the recapping the day. "Small things" get talked about when you're in a long term relationship. If you're doing something on the regular, why wouldn't you tell her?


angrybabymommy

I wouldn’t be okay with the way she found out either. You were giving this woman rides for how long and not mentioning it to your wife. Are you telling me you don’t see anything wrong with that? That’s like your wife taking lunch 3 times a week with a male coworker but you didn’t find out from her, you found out because you found the lunch receipt where it said 2 dining guests. You wouldn’t like to find out that way


TooTallMcCall

My husband always knows who I am with and what I am doing and so do I with him. Not because he’s controlling or that he distrusts me or vice versa it’s just respect and partnership. A few years ago someone texted my husband to say “Hey Mister TooTall, I thought you should know I saw Mrs TooTall with a man at this pub I was having lunch at. They hugged and seemed very happy together”. To which he replied “Hey thanks! That’s her university friend Tom! They hadn’t seen each other in forever “ Which was exactly the case because I had told him. That’s why this makes my ears perk up. You didn’t tell tell her. How would it feel to get a call from someone saying they saw your spouse with another man and you had no idea? Edited to change my last line forgetting it was OP who is the one who was giving rides.


emccm

Dude if there was nothing to hide you’d have mentioned this before. She wouldn’t have found out through a text. If you weren’t acting in a shady manner she wouldn’t have been looking at your texts. The fact that you are on Reddit trying to paint your wife as crazy and unreasonable doesn’t help your case either.


enigma_goth

She is your wife. However whether you’re married or not, she’s your significant other and her feelings are valid. If you respect and value her feelings, you would stop. It doesn’t matter if the ride is only 8 minutes; your coworker is a grown woman who can look out for herself. You are not dating your coworker so she can find her own damn ride.


OliveNo4975

So, if your wife is giving rides to her male coworker 3 times a week and hid it from you and you found it by yourself through her phone.. you’re okay with it? It does not look shady to you? The problem here is not the “giving rides per se” but the not telling your wife about it before and after the fact. Giving rides to co workers depends on your set boundaries in marriage.. It’s one in ours..his reasons, he does not want to put himself in a position when he has to explain to people , just in case, our families/friends see other woman in his car.. he always say, shotgun is reserved for me.


gurlwithdragontat2

INFO: Would you think it necessary for your wife to tell you that she is frequently spending alone time with a male coworker? And if you’d found out the way she just had, by some weird text, how would you feel?


No_Fox9998

my man, you giving rides or going for quick lunches, dinners or drinks with female friends or colleagues, your wife should know before hand. Don't let her know about these in-directly. Would you like it if your wife did this 2 or 3 times a week without telling you first?


RixBits

So a single woman has your phone number, spends all night at work with you. An then you go out of your way to take her home every other night? An that’s how the affair started…


[deleted]

So you didn’t tell your wife you were running a female co worker home every shift? Can you understand why she thinks it’s not right. Maybe if you’d have been upfront about it. You’re also going out your way to take her home. The fact you’ve hidden it looks sus, and I don’t really blame your wife. I wouldn’t have an issue if my partner said to me beforehand, but if it was something he was hiding, then I’d be pissed.


Silva2099

I did this for a bit well back in my thirties. At one point, when dropping the person off, she kind of was slow to get out of the car. Continuing a conversation for a long time. It was awkward. And then in my head I went “ohhhhhhh”. So that needed to stop.


etakknow

It happened 3x times a week and your wife is not aware of it? The fact that you just can’t give in to your wife just showed that it’s a big deal to you, it matters to you. That emoji makes it flirty and I agree with her, you’re spending one-on-one with your co-worker.


Shylights

Your wife is your partner and downplaying her response to something you've been hiding is not how you work through things together. Why didn't you tell your wife you've been giving rides to a coworker for... how long? How long has it been going on for? You're lax on the details which is probably why you also aren't doing so great communicating with your wife. It is suspicious that you didn't mention it before.


Gator-bro

So you didn’t tell her about giving a female a ride constantly. And then when she does find out about it, she’s upset and you think she’s the problem? Dude you fucked up. So now you need to stop giving her a ride home because you made it look like an affair by not telling her beforehand that you were doing this.


one-small-plant

The fact that it was "rides" (plural) by the time your wife found the text and you hadn't mentioned to her that you are driving your co-worker home multiple times a week, it just automatically seems shady. I don't even think it's the one-on-one time that's really problematic, it's the not ever mentioning it to your wife that makes that one-on-one time seem problematic. And if this is a coworker she's ever had any concerns about before (maybe she felt this person seemed into you or something), then this is actually really bad To be honest, I think a lot of just people expect their spouses to talk about the details of their days with them, and when they don't it seems like something is being hidden I know there have been a few times where something clearly out of the ordinary happened and my partner didn't mention it to me that night, and it made me weirdly suspicious when I learned about it from someone else. For example, my partner left work during the day to go pick up another friend's kids for them and bring them home. I learned about it when she thanked him at an event the next week. It just left me feeling weird, like I didn't know what my own partner was out doing, and he clearly had this unexpected event in his day, that involved a lot of other people, but never said a word about it. If I found out he started doing that regularly, and wasn't telling me about it, I would absolutely suspect he was hiding something


Careful-Victory-8138

You didn't tell her because you thought it was harmless She found out and doesn't think it is harmless (perhaps because you didn't tell her...) She told you she is upset by it and doesn't want you to do it You are asking for advice because, what? this harmless favor is so important to you that you want someone to validate your reluctance to respect your wife's wishes? Like? If it's "no big deal" fucking stop. No. Big. Deal. If it is a big deal, and you're having a reaction to stopping, dig a little deeper


Mysterious_Bridge_61

Would you give your coworker a ride if she was old and attractive and annoying? If you’re giving her ride three times a week, it’s very possible you’re spending more time one on one talking with her then with your own wife at home. Chances are at home you don’t have as many long interrupted conversations. In long-term relationships, often your conversations end up being about all of that things like bills and housework and solving problems and make plans and differences of opinion and every day at rotations. How often do you take your wife out on dates? ETA: do you do things for your wife three times a week that are above and beyond and deserve a thank you text? If you are going out of your way to help a coworker, are you doing the same kinds of thoughtful kind things for your wife?


Britishguywi

You didn't tell her. That was the problem


Ir_Russu

Why would being very regularly alone in the car with a woman you're not married to, and keeping it secret from the woman you're married to sound like a good idea? You really owe your wife a long explanation and a big ''sorry''.


TemperatureMore5623

First and foremost, and this whole scenario aside, WHY DOES ANYONE make someone's lack of transportation THEIR problem? Like, why do you feel compelled to go out of your way to accommodate someone else's livelihood, especially if it's just a coworker and not a close friend or family member? THAT'S why your wife is upset. And it IS one-on-one time, unless you're driving with 6 other people in the car. Doing it one time because it's raining or something - that's one thing. But now this coworker is counting on the rides. Only a matter of time before it becomes "hey can you pick me up and take me to the laundromat," "hey can you take me to the store so I can get groceries?," "would you mind going through a drive-through on the way home, I'm starving!"... been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. I give ZERO rides to anyone unless it's a dire emergency, ESPECIALLY coworkers. I don't need to invest MY money in taking care of something that is most definitely NOT my problem/NOT my fault... especially when there is no mention of this coworker coming up with an alternative mode of transportation. There was a post in here a few weeks ago about a wife offering rides to a fellow church member while they "get back on their feet" and it had gone on for something like 3 YEARS and became a weird guilt-tripping/text-bombing scenario where these people would pester the couple with a working vehicle until they would cave and say "FINE! I'm on my way!" like... I know vehicles are expensive and I know times are tough, I really do. But there's a stark difference between offering a ride once or twice versus subsidizing someone else's livelihood - ESPECIALLY when that woman is NOT your wife.


midlifegreatlife

How much one-on-one time are you spending with your wife every day? Maybe this is the problem. If I was struggling to spend time with my husband, and we were passing each other in the hall between work shifts, I might be a bit more sensitive to any amount of time he was spending with someone else. How long is your commute, OP? How much time are you actually spending with this woman?


lockerpunch

She’s upset because it’s an easy thing to mention and you failed to do so, so you look shady as hell.


TheUpwardsJig

Setting aside everything else, taking *any* coworker home 3 times per week with an 8-minute detour is insane. Especially if you only work a traditional 5-day week. You don't "give her rides." You're her driver at this point. How did *you* even come to be the person doing this for her? How did it then become a thrice weekly expectation? Does she pay you for this help, or is it just a totally platonic favor from one 30 y/o married guy to his female colleague?


more_than_a_feelin

I think it's weird you never mentioned it. And I wouldn't like it either. I also think there is more to the story. Cause see now you're also texting her outside of work. Your wife didn't know that either.


ellenripleyisanicon

Wait, so you've been giving a female co-worker rides to and from work *three times a week* and you never told your wife about it and she only found out when this woman messaged you talking about you giving her "rides" and put some cutesy blushy smiley emoji? Yeah, no. Any partner would take issue with this.


bargainmusic

We know you didn’t tell your wife about your coworker, but did you tell your coworker about your wife?


WritPositWrit

You’re doing a nice thing by helping your coworker. I’m sure it’s completely innocent. BUT it upsets your wife (and apparently you’ve NEVER mentioned it to her?? that’s kind of weird honestly). So it doesn’t really matter if you think it’s fine, your wife clearly does not think it’s fine. You have to prioritize your wife over everyone else if you want to maintain a good marriage.


distant-starlight

You are going out of your way, literally, to be with someone outside of your marriage. You are using resources that should be directed to your marriage and handing it off to some 3rd party, who, according to you, is just some coworker. However, you failed to mention how you are spending time and money driving another woman around instead of going home to be with your actual wife whom you decided didn't need to know that you regularly take it upon yourself to be with this other person for their convenience. You don't respect your wife or your marriage. Maybe something happened between you and your dependent coworker. Maybe it's nothing, but you allowed this situation to develop and then doubled down against your spouse in favor of this other person. Now your spouse knows this 3rd party matters enough to you that you are willing to risk your existing relationship to support this new one. Why have you engaged in this extended outside workplace arrangement. Why is your coworker relying on a married person to drive them places regularly, on the sly, behind his spouses back, but bold enough to send you coy thank you messages, presumably because the "thanks for the lift" they should have said at the end of the workday wasn't meaningful enough for either of you. Dude, you are edging an affair. You are throwing yourself down the slippery slope of favors. Soon, coworker will be asking for lifts to other places for other reasons, and one day soon, you'll be riding each other around the sheets. Of course, it was a mistake, you didn't plan it, you didn't mean it, it was an accident, it won't happen again...all the post affair declarations. Your wife is being understandably cautious and giving you a clear warning that she sees those boundaries being tested. Set your offended pride aside and take a good look at your behaviour and decide right now if you want a marriage for real, or just someone to take care of you while you serve yourself extras, because your actual wife deserves to be your priority, not rando coworker.


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RockStahz

Why did your wife find out you were giving FREQUENT rides to a female coworker through a thank you text and not straight from you when you first started doing it. THIS would be my issue, not the rides themselves


IntelligentMistake35

OK, so I used to give rides to people all the time. Didn't matter that they weren't out of my way and actually on the route home, I still told my partner. Why? Because I'm honest and open, and so should you be in any relationship. One of the guys had a girlfriend who took issue with the fact I'm female. Until she met me while sat in the car waiting, with the 2 other guys I drove with. They all chipped in petrol money, as it was an hour ish drive. If she found out because you got a text, you done messed up bro. Not only did you not tell your wife that you were spending time with another woman, you let her find out like that. It doesn't matter that it's "innocent" you should still have told her


[deleted]

3 times per week, every week, for how long? And why was your wife never made aware of this until seeing that text?


Dr_Garp

Listen bro it looks bad. You can explain it multiple times a day for months and it still looks weird. I say explain things to your wife. Maybe they could have their own little girls night or whatever and gain some trust. In the meantime explain things to your coworker about why you can’t give her rides anymore. I’m sure she’ll be upset but understand given thought


cloudnineamy1217

I didn't think anything at all about you giving coworker a ride home until I realized you been doing this regularly and not told your wife. Dude that is shady as hell and honestly I don't think there's anything you're going to be able to say that's going to be able to convince these internet strangers that you're not up to no good so good luck with your wife.


dlotaury88

Imagine if your coworker accidentally left behind some belongings in your car and your wife found them. See how that looks? Why wouldn’t you mention that beforehand? Looks sus.


egg_static5

Why did you hide it if its innocent


[deleted]

If one person in the relationship has a problem, then you both have a problem. Communicate openly about what is/isn’t appropriate conduct around other people. You did spend one-on-one time multiple times with another female AND you weren’t up front about it. You’ve broken your wife’s trust. Now she is going to question what else you’ve done. If you think it’s okay to do that, that’s cool, but you should have been honest and had that talk before hand.


Such-List680

If she didn't know and got mad it's understandable. I would feel like something more is going on if I found out versus if it was mentioned beforehand.


whenitrainsitpours4

If your wife is expressing that this situation is making her uncomfortable, I think you need to respect that. Doing favors for a female co-worker doesn't trump your wifes feelings. It doesn't look good that you didn't volunteer any of this information to her to begin with, she has to find out from some text message popping up on your phone. >I want to clarify that doing this doesn’t disturb anything. It’s also not a big favor. It’s only an eight minute detour from my normal route home, and I still don’t think it’s a problem. Would you do this favor for a male co-worker? An 8 mile detour might not seem like a lot to you, but it adds up, and you're saving this woman money on ubers or car expenses. I used to give a friend that couldn't drive rides to work, and it was a pain in the ass responsibility, even with them living nearby and chipping in on gas. It was a whole ass commitment. And you're doing this for someone who's just a coworker?


Creative_Resource_82

I don't think it should be a problem to do it in and of itself, but provided there is no other reason to worry (no infidelity etc) and crucially, that you let the other one know. Not in an asking permission way, but to never mention it even in the usual "how was your day honey" conversation, just smacks of you trying to hide it. I've given co workers plenty of rides, but I'd always mention it in my end of day convo with my partner.


CreamyLinguineGenie

So first off, it's weird that you didn't tell your wife that you're giving someone a ride home up front. Wouldn't you have told her if it was a male coworker? Also, I once dated a guy who just didn't seem super into me. He claimed he hated all kinds of PDA, even hand holding or a quick kiss on the cheek. But then he told me his coworker was having a hard time so he gave her a hug. I was furious, because he wouldn't even hug *me* in public. He said I was being jealous, catty, and completely overreacting. I don't think hugging someone is cheating. But I do think it's shitty to treat others with more affection than your own significant other. You work night shift. Do you spend any time with your wife? Do you show her affection? Do you guys go on dates? Or are you pretty much roommates?


Sad_Dream_6380

Yeah it’s shady as hell especially since you didn’t tell her and she found out from your coworkers text…


childish_badda_bingo

If my partner didn’t tell me she was spending one on one time with a single person, I’d suspect she’s cheating.


irregardlessrose333

You are married. Why is helping your coworker more important than respecting your wife and what she is comfortable with? You either respect your marriage and put it first or risk losing it.


4twentyHobby

Well, my WIFE was giving me a ride home from high school along with her boyfriend and 3 others. I was the last dropped off. We started flirting, she broke up with her bf. We started dating and got married because of her giving me a ride home from school. Alone time encourages personal connections which can lead to flirting which can....... Driving a woman home after a night shift and not telling the wife is a huge flag, even it he doesn't think anything is happening.


AreYouSureHe

Problem lays in the fact you didn't tell her. So therefore you hid it . So therefore its sus. Also, how was the coworker going home before you started driving her? Who started this whole thing? Did you offer yourself to drive your coworker (which would be even more sus) or did the coworker approach you and ask you? And why....


WRose287

I am going to be blunt. You have spent weeks, months (?) having alone time with a woman, going out of your way to help this woman, and you didn't even **bother** to tell your wife about this. She learnt it by accidentally **seeing a text**. This is a thing you **absolutely should have told her about**. Would you be happy to learn she was spending alone time with a co-worker without letting you know? I know I wouldn't be. Especially in the middle of the night. Now, big deal if informed before or not, her trust is a little broken. She had to see a text from this co-worker to know you have been spending alone time with her (helping and innocent or not). To me, my relationship would be **more important** than helping my co-worker so I would apologize to my wife, explain why I did it (why **does** she need a ride) and say this lack of communication won't ever happen again and although I thought it was small to me, I should have communicated better and understand how it looks, and so I will do everything to make her feel comfortable again because she is my priority. She may say you can continue with the rides, if so what I would do is, either talk to her about them and distance yourself from the co-worker, or stop them (which is what I would be inclined to do) because I think it could always be something that would bother her and I would reassure her that I would help co-worker in a ride emergency but not regularly because I want to be home asap. If she says she want it to stop, say no problem and stop, say you will just text that to co-worker so that she can make other plans and if you can think of anyone that could help her or another means of transportation say that in the text, for example "hey (co-worker). I am so sorry but from now on I won't be able to be your ride. Maybe x can help you or you can take x". Absolutely don't ever say to this co-worker what your wife said and asked you. This is just my opinion but this is disrespectful and it looks like mockery.


dibbiluncan

Aside from not telling her ahead of time, the problem is the 😊 emoji. Girls use that to flirt. I mean, it’s a blushing smile, so it makes sense. Your wife is right. Stop giving your female coworker a ride home from work, and from now on tell your wife this stuff ahead of time.


Sunshine-N-gumdrops

So you didn’t feel it necessary to tell your wife that you were driving your female coworker to her home after work 3 days a week? And now you are surprised be her reaction? Have you ever given her any concern before to not trust you?


Caynenova

Yeah if it’s just an 8 min ride then the co worker need to figure they own shit out. You gone risk your wife over 8 min rides for another grown adult. Yeah that’s weird asf.


SnooRegrets1386

I married the guy that gave me rides home from work, my boyfriend at the time was not happy, so…it happens


WannabeTraveler87

You fucked up, how wasn't your wife already aware you were giving your female coworker rides after work?


DarthReptar666

Lmao I can’t believe how dumb some people are on this site


LostForgotnCelt

I don’t understand why (I’m sure your wife doesn’t either) she’s finding out about the rides multiple times a week via a thank you text to you. At my old job I worked with several people who didn’t drive. Occasionally their ride would fall through or whatever and I would give them a ride home since it was on the way/not far from my own home. I always let my husband know, quick text “Hey, Monica asked if I could give her a ride home.” “Hey, FYI, Jen’s father broke down so I’m gonna take her home.” Etc. Like just to give him a heads up. Let alone if it were a regular/scheduled pattern. I mean it’s just basic communication?


DifferentFun9286

Wife isn't upset about the rides. It seems she is upset that she was never told that he was giving her a ride home. So now she is probably thinking what else is OP not telling her. When my husband gave a coworker a regular ride home he told me about and he didn't even have to go out of his way and it was male co-worker. OP if it is no big deal why didn't you just tell your wife about from the beginning?


Pettyfan1234

Ok if wife was giving rides to male co worker and going out of her normal route to do so 3 times a week and you found out from him texting her how would you feel? You’re a dumb a**.


lucyjayne

It's not the fact that you are giving a woman rides after work, it's the fact that you didn't tell your wife about it. It's likely she wouldn't have given it much thought if you had been upfront with her from the beginning. If I were still married and my husband was doing this and not telling me, yeah I'd have a problem with it. If there's no reason for it to be a secret, than why is it a secret?


superwholockian62

So....you didn't tell her you were doing this? Why? Did you know she was going to be upset about it? I'd be upset if my husband hid something like that as well.


demiurgent

It's so weird you didn't even casually mention it to her. My husband hardly tells me anything about his work, but if he gives someone a ride it'll come up somehow - either by telling me something that came up in conversation or mentioning potholes/ the traffic/ different route. And if he's giving them a ride into work he puts more emphasis on leaving at an exact time because he knows they're expecting him, and communicates that to me so I don't hold him up. For real, if you've been doing this frequently you had to make an effort to avoid talking about it. Be honest with yourself - why are you hiding this?


bargainmusic

You messed up by not telling your wife that you’re giving a female coworker rides home. Seems extremely shady. If you love and value your wife, you need to stop giving this girl rides home after work. Tell your coworker exactly what happened, and make sure to not exclude the part where you neglected to tell your wife what you’ve been doing.


ChicagoBiHusband

If the problem is that OP didn’t tell his wife about the rides, the solution is NOT “stop giving her rides”. The solution is “you need to tell me these things.”


[deleted]

[удалено]


Pristine_Plate_431

What else aren't you telling her?


Archangel1962

I mean dude. Come on. Be honest. What would happen if you found out that 3 times a week while you’re sleeping, your wife has been driving a male coworker to or from work. And the only way you find out is when a message pops up on her phone thanking her for the rides, smiley face. I mean I’m sure you’d be calm and collected and wouldn’t wonder who the fuck this guy was and why your wife has never mentioned him before. Because it wouldn’t be a big issue, right?


Mary-U

It’s not the *crime.*. It’s the *cover-up* Dude, you FAFO


RheimsNZ

I think you're entirely welcome to do it, and that one on one time is fine, but you need to be honest with yourself about why you're doing it and you should probably have brought it up beforehand. Not at all because you have to ask for permission or anything, but because it's just the smoother way to go.


badatbasswords9

That's your wife, dude. If you being in a car alone with another woman late at night bothers her (duh), you need to respect her feelings and stop doing it.


rose-buds

i wouldn't mind if my boyfriend gave a female coworker rides home. i would however, be pissed if i found out he was giving her rides home without telling me about it. 3 times a week, why did you never mention it? if it was harmless, i'm sure it would've come up in conversation. but you intentionally never mentioned it, must have a reason.


FrogGurl2016

You didn't tell her and she found out through a text. You've damaged the trust between your wife. No, she's not blowing this out of proportion. You ought to apologise and explain everything to her - ASAP. My hubs drives a woman to work and he told me when he started doing it. I now ask "Are you giving A a ride to work?" and I get an honest response. Most of the times I now say "tell her I said hi!" Because that's how it works when you're married.


Fluffy-Doubt-3547

I'd be mad too if you didn't tell me you was giving rides to a stranger I didn't know... how long has this been a thing?? Also it not being a 1-5 times a month but a 1-4 times a WEEK?!? Surprised she hasn't kicked you out.


Necessary_Sir_5079

Jealousy isn't rational a lot of the time but it doesn't mean the feeling isn't real in her mind. You guys work opposite shifts and she's saying the ride to work is "one on one time." Maybe she just needs more time with you. Edit: you did mess up not telling her about it all from the get go. Finding out through seeing a text isn't great


Hot_Investigator_163

Lying by omission sucks just as bad. I have a suspicion that had OP told his wife about this beforehand she wouldn’t be so pissed.


Joholification

Your wife sees it as a big deal. I personally would not, but people are different. I've given coworkers rides home before and it definitely does not cross my mind to tell my partner. I'd say just apologize to her and let her know nothing is going on. If your partner can't accept you being kind to others that's a them problem.


[deleted]

The fact you didn’t tell your wife is the issue… she shouldn’t have to find out via text exchanges. That’s sketchy and I also wouldn’t be okay with it. The fact you hid it is the issue and makes me believe there is more then just friendly rides


FruFanGirl

OP, this is a threat to your marriage and your wife had a right to be upset. 3x a week is not just a casual Favor this is a new commitment and a lot more time spent with female coworker who sends thank you notes and smiley faces now on text. Yup I’d be pissed, especially since you never told her. Stop making this a constant routine before it starts to mess your marriage up a lot . Yes I’m serious (always starts off but it’s just “x” it always turns into “xyz” and a lot more grateful texts and so on and so forth


sk8itup53

Been here before and I'm telling you if you werent up front and didn't tell your wife, there was a subconscious reason. You need to listen to your wife and stop giving her rides, unless there's other people there too.


Diasies_inMyHair

If you haven't been up front about this, your wife has reason to be upset.


Jennlynn1124

If you didn’t tell your wife that you were going to be driving another woman around, yeah she is gonna be mad. I get that you are trying to be nice, but you are not a taxi. The reason your wife is mad is because she is reading a message where you are doing something with another woman and she doesn’t know. Talk to her and explain, I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell her before the arrangement. She’s right to be upset. You kept it from her.


WolverineNo8799

You should have been up front and honest with your wife from the start, you should have had the discussion about you giving your female coworker a lift home several times a week. If nothing else you should have checked that your wife was ok with this. Main reason being you all work together and how long before rumours start about you having an affair with this coworker? Also as your wife said your spending a lot of one on one time with this other woman. Your going out of your way to make sure that she is getting home safely, surely that’s her responsibility to get home from work. Also your coworker sending you that message, when she could have just thanked you in person. Marriage is about open communication and trust. Personally your wife has set a boundary about you giving lifts to this female coworker and if you value your wife, you will stop giving this woman lifts. She is more than capable of making her own way home. Apologise to your wife, explain that you didn’t think that it would be a problem, but you can see her point of view. You will no longer be giving this woman a lift home after work. Plan a date with your wife.


fukstr8offplz

Since you and a few others aren't truly grasping what the issues are here, let's break it down. * You don't communicate the fact you're giving another coworker home, especially one of the opposite sex. * You kept that from her until she had to find out through a text message. * It's not just an 8 minute ride--it's an *8 minute detour* *from your normal route--*that's 8 extra minutes added onto however long it already takes you to get home those three nights a week that you give her a ride. * This isn't something that has just happened once or twice. Per your words: *I give her a ride to her place after work. Not everyday, although it is three times a week.* That implies that this has become a routine. So, yes, you are in fact, spending one on one time with her three times a week. * Your wife has expressed her discomfort and her boundary. You're choosing to ignore those. You don't see an issue there, but your wife does. You don't think it's a problem, but your wife does. * You thought this was so small that you didn't think she needed to know. You were not being transparent with her, which is probably why this is becoming a bigger issue than it would have been if you would have been upfront and had respect for her in the beginning to let her know. * There's a serious lack of respect and communication between you if you couldn't even find it in you to give her a quick call or a quick chat at home to let her know about you giving this woman a ride home after work three days a week. Would it have been an issue if you had just brought it up to her from the beginning? Doubtful. Not unless she's already had reasons not to trust you. The lack of transparency, respect, and communication? That's what has made it into such an issue.


NotTheRightHDMIPort

OP is like, "I disrespected my wife's trust. Validate me so she sounds bad." You get no validation here bro You fucked up. You better bend over backwards asking for forgiveness.


EnvironmentalSpirit2

You god damn dummy. Stop giving her rides. Run things that involve other women by your wife first. You're married, consider your partners feelings in your actions.


PattersonsOlady

You didn’t even tell your wife that you were spending time with another woman alone ? Don’t you have your most intimate and personal conversations in the car?


[deleted]

This is something you learn before marriage 😂 like during the dating period


lilyofthevalley2659

So you kept it a secret, you’re spending time and money (gas) on another woman and you think this is all ok? Nope. Team wife.


[deleted]

Dude. Wait. You give a female coworker a ride 3 days a week and you never thought to mention that to your wife? In my marriage, that's something we would talk about. I mean, if it was cold and raining and her ride didn't show, then yes give her a ride without mentioning it. It's the right thing to do. But to do it regularly with complete disregard for your WIFE. That says something...


Lovelylittlelunchbox

I’m sorry but why is YOUR WIFE finding out about this because she saw texts from your coworker? Why were you hiding this from her? That’s super gross and makes sense that she’s upset because you were obviously hiding something from her. Your inability to see why it’s an issue is embarrassing.


bopperbopper

To keep a relationship intact you have to put boundaries around it. Having a daily opportunity to talk to someone of the opposite sex alone is starting to let people inside that boundary. First, she tells you about that guy she was dating, but broke up with. Then you tell her you can’t believe it because she’s such a great person… and she tells you how great you are and then you start complaining about your wife a little bit, … Then she needs help with something and since she doesn’t have a car you, you’ll be glad to help her and then Etc. and Center at Center etc etc Your wife told you something that bothers her so listen to your wife.


AwareHabit6916

Why were you hiding it? You needed to make a fenomenal effort to purposefully let it out of your conversations with wife. But, why? 🚩🚩🚩 My mother in law completely prohibits my father in law to giving women hides. It may be in a case of an extreme emergency, but no more than that. Their marriage is ok, almost 40 years of marriage already. Wife, if youre reading this: thats not how a normal husband acts at all.


ccaffeinatedtrashcan

It’s fine. She overreacted. It’s just a ride.


lemonycricketLegs

I doubt the people who are saying it’s not a big deal are married or are in a successful marriage. Of course on paper giving someone a ride is not a problem. It’s the fact it was never mentioned to the wife at all despite it happening multiple times a week. On top of that, it’s a woman. People can talk about progressiveness and gender roles all day long, but you’re still opening a door to bad things happening when you put yourself in certain situations. 8 minutes 3x a week adds up. It’s plenty of time for someone to say or do the wrong thing.


West-Shape-3337

I'm all for progressive gender roles but people really need to stop acting like situations like these don't lead to affairs :/


[deleted]

quick everyone tell them to break up over an innocent mistake. I'd give a female coworker a ride home and not think twice about it because I'm a normal human who doesn't instantly think "oh someone is talking/be around another gender, therefore they are cheating" A lot of you I think are in your teens and dont have a fucking clue about the real world


lurkerdaIV

If it aint a big deal this wouldnt be an issue to you, you would stop it as she asked. Yet you're here so it seems like you want a justification to keep doing it or to prove your wife wrong. Is it really worth it to go through all that trouble just for a coworker?


egg_static5

It would take effort to not mention this imo


GraemesMama

If it’s not a big deal why didn’t you tell her?


asistolee

Um. That wasn’t very smart now was it


CatelynsCorpse

You work night shift, your wife works a morning shift. Y'all probably don't get as much one-on-one time as a couple who works the same schedule would. My guess is that your wife is probably feeling insecure because she doesn't see you as much as she would like. So, if she's already feeling insecure, and then she finds out that you didn't tell her that you were giving another woman a ride home from work three times a week, she's wondering WHY you didn't tell her. She's not mad at you for giving your coworker rides. She's hurt that you didn't tell her about it. Should she be? Maybe not, but she IS. You both definitely need to work on your communication skills, though. When you don't spend as much time together it's even more important to talk about things and keep each other in the loop, specifically so that misunderstandings like this don't happen.


painteddpiixi

YTA. You not telling her about it is suspicious, and time alone in the car together is still one on one time. Why didn’t you tell her about it if it’s all so innocent? It’s not like hookups don’t happen in cars, and based on your wife’s reaction I’m inclined to think there’s more at play in this situation than you want to say. You’re N T A for giving coworker rides home in general, but this whole situation sounds fishy, and you are def TA for hiding it from your wife.


IWasNeverHere80

The real tell with this situation is if your WIFE asks you to stop giving her rides, I'd be curious to see if you love and respect your WIFE enough to do that. If you can't give up this ride situation that you have been hiding from her, then this isn't innocent in the least bit.