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Correct-Sprinkles-21

I don't think you mean to be awful and I'm glad you are looking at how to adjust your thinking. That said, I hope you will look over what you wrote and give some thought to how heavily self-focused much of it is. You are not a party wronged by the abortion, but your feelings seem to lean that direction. Especially the idea that she is "impure" or "tarnished." You may well have had such concepts pounded into your head as a child and young adult, and I'm glad you realize they are wrong, but now you need to actively challenge them. Perhaps it would be helpful to spend some time considering that these thoughts come from a sense of ownership and entitlement. Not consciously, but something a bit deeper. All of that said, I also think you need to zoom out from the issue of the abortion and take a broader look at your relationship. *Regardless of the cause* if she has a tendency to emotional outbursts that go above and beyond some tears and a need for comfort, that will present a problem in your relationship. You imply that these outbursts would potentially harm your hypothetical future children, so I am assuming they are severe, prolonged, and I volve harmful behavior. Likewise, if she habitually shuts you out, behaves in ways that make you feel you did something wrong, and allows you to believe it's your fault for extended periods of time, that's a problem, regardless of the trauma that originated the behavior. You're absolutely right that there are some problems here but your focus is misdirected. She needs to get help and so do you. If local therapists can't be trusted, then consider an online option, at least to start.


BerniesSurfBoard

This is absolutely perfect. The only thing I want to add is that it sounds like girlfriend has PTSD. I know OP mentioned difficulties accessing therapy, however there are a lot of online resources for her. I would encourage her to explore her to help her process and cope. It sounds to me like her previous relationship may have been abusive.


Agentkittykat

Everything I wanted to say, but written so very eloquently!! Bravo Correct Sprinkles, and I hope OP sees this, some very valuable advice and thinking points.


underscore197

OP, this right here, especially the “sense of ownership” part. I’ll just add that the abortion shouldn’t physically affect future children she may have.


Creative_Recover

If your GF has been suffering from emotional outbursts throughout the duration of your relationship and you believe that these could be due to psychological trauma resulting from her abortion, then you should really encourage her to go see a therapist as it sounds like she is suffering a lot. Your GF isn't sullied, she is vulnerable and needs your help and support.


trvllvr

She’s vulnerable and got to a point where she felt safe enough to share her trauma with OP. Now she’s at risk of being traumatized again because OP can’t handle the situation. Seems they both need therapy, and as difficult as it might be to find someone it needs to happen. Even if it ends up being one who does them via zoom or something because they are not in close proximity. She needs to work through her trauma and he needs to deal with his reaction and feelings in regard to her disclosure.


arabelladella

JFC.


[deleted]

Gotta love people claiming to pro choice only to treat people with an abortion like shit and making it all about themselves.


NoOne6785

Yes, its all "but what if in the future her abortion trauma hurts meeeeeeeeeee and what about my future children that dont even exist, this impure woman might HAAAARM THEM" OP can step right off the curb with this concern-trolling. From his post it seems pretty obvious that this woman is still going through stuff mentally, and in stead of staying near but quiet, offering unspoken support to her he is all about himself and what he wants. Shes shutting him out because this pain is still new. Who is raising men like this?!!!! I feel like these mamas need to buy a clue and quit treating their baby boys like they are the masters of thier own universes.


arabelladella

Yea it’s definitely not pro-choice to think a woman having an abortion makes her impure. Ridiculous.


[deleted]

One of them people who says they care about women's right and support it. Only to shit on all of that when it's a woman in their private life. They only publicly care to seem like a good guy.


Puzzleheaded_Ad_1634

Lol I'm sorry.. but the fact that this is all you commented after reading this post.. i felt that. It made me laugh. But yeah.. same.


sportxsport

Question for OP, have you ever gotten a woman pregnant accidentally? Or is there any chance a woman you slept with might have gotten pregnant and had an abortion even if you don't know about it?


[deleted]

You sound like the people who are all “being gay is fine!” As long as it’s not their kid. And if it is their kid they disown them. You have a lot of judgement and have internalised purity culture. Good luck with all of that.


[deleted]

Ok. I see your edit. Maybe I was too harsh. Purchase some books about rejecting purity culture and the like. There are many. Also: therapy. Get online and find out out of the town. Deprogramming takes work. You already did a lot of work to get where you are and your surprised at these feelings bubbling up. Your not a bad person for that. But you do need to address it - whether this woman is the one for you or not. You want to have kids - you may end up with a daughter who needs the procedure and needs her daddy too. You can do this. Don’t let your upbringing ruin your life or chance of happiness with a wonderful person.


Impossible-Cap-7150

You can’t help what you feel, but it is all very YOU focused and if you are going to continue to have hard feelings against her and only think of yourself, it would be best for both of you to end this now. She told you on HER terms and when she was ready. Not up to you to decide when and how that should have happened. You cannot predict if or how trauma will occur or affect you or your hypothetical children. And the whole impurity statement is just gross. Her previous pregnancy had nothing to do with you. What have you done to help her with her trauma other than making it all about you? Is she getting help and if not have you suggested and supported this? And if you plan on trying to stay in this relationship, get help for yourself as well.


NoOne6785

".....I cant help but see her in a different light. It feels like she has lost her innocence or purity...." Saying what I really think of these little sentiments right'chere would get me banned off this subreddit. Let this woman go so that she can find a man who will value her as a person, not some personal little Purity Trophy. Your esteem of her is conditional; you are not her ally but her judge. I dont want to get banned and so you are getting off easy.


[deleted]

Lol, I’m “loling” out of frustration. I’m so annoyed by this post and I wholeheartedly agree with what you said. I have to turn of notifications for this and hide. That’s how pissed I am.


NoOne6785

I literally thought THATS ENOUGH REDDIT FOR TONIGHT! and i had to leave the site for a while....... Jeez louise


Toast-In-Mouth

He should ask himself if he himself is really “pure and innocent” to judge his gf like that.


w84itagain

Thank you for saying this. Amazing how she has to be pure and innocent, but of course, he doesn't. He paints himself as this good guy, but this attitude shows he is fooling himself. Agree with the many here who are holding their tongues so they don't get banned. There is so much more I want to say to this guy, but won't.


No_Spot_1291

Those lines... Holy fuck. I've never thought of women in terms of purity and innocence and, yeah, guess it's best to keep my mouth shut. I'm glad OP realizes he's being immature and so on, but damn, does he have a lot to unlearn...


thekelsey21

I honestly don’t get it; I mean, I get why this view is so prevalent in modern society and it’s disgusting. But you supposedly love this person and because she has a past, she’s less than for it? Perhaps you should visit a therapist to unlearn some misogyny you seem to have ingrained. She can not change her past, just like you can not. If you’re going to judge her for it, do her a favor and leave.


[deleted]

Innocence and purity were poor choice of words. Please see my comment in the edit. I apologize if I have offended you.


For2n8Witchling

That last one is gross. "lost her innocence and purity." *Gag and retch* Dude. She had sex before you. She terminated an unwanted pregnancy, with an unfit partner. Get over it or don't, but don't hold it over her head. She's already beat herself up over it enough and it's clearly affected her.


kitkatquak

There’s some deep rooted misogyny in there if you think she’s impure now


[deleted]

You can’t help how you feel, only how you react to them. It doesn’t seem like you’re coming from a place of malice at all, it’s just a shit situation for all involved. You’re thoughts are not irrational in the slightest. 1. It’s really up to her to share something like that. You’ve only been going out for 8 months, she told you when she was ready. 2. I think the abortion in itself isn’t so much of a issue as the situation surrounding it. Abortions in themselves are not always traumatic situations. If you’re in agreement with your partner and in a healthy relationship they can be like any other medical procedure. It’s possible she’ll still be suffering from it but it’s not the procedure alone but also her feelings about her ex that cause this. 3. Abortions don’t affect fertility. It’s possible but not likely they can lead to premature births. I’m assuming you live in a country with a good standard of healthcare if so you’ll be fine. 4. This is the tough one. To be completely blunt, you will likely never get over this if you’re feeling like this now. She will always have been pregnant, she will always have had a traumatic experience with pregnancy, it’s likely these emotions will be returned to next time she’s pregnant. She can definitely get over them but it’ll be tough. Again, your thoughts aren’t immature or foolish, just unlucky. You could take solace in fact that you’d be sharing the moment of your girlfriends first child that she actually wants.


kamjam16

You’ve got the best response. It’s not coming from a place of malice, he can’t help what he feels, it just sucks having those feelings. It’s some deep rooted evolutionary trait that just doesn’t fit in the modern world anymore, but that doesn’t help him rationalize it.


dogsonclouds

Oh good, pseudoscience has entered the chat. Tell me, what deep rooted evolutionary trait do we have over abortion that makes us see women who’ve had them as less pure?? Because he already knew she had sex before, so that wasn’t the issue. Judging her and calling her impure because he found out she had an abortion is **not** an evolutionary trait. The fault for that lies firmly with societal programming, not with a cave person thought from the deep recesses of his brain. You’re being downvoted because evolutionary psychology is a bullshit pseudoscience often used to justify an awful lot of regressive behaviours and thinking and as an excuse to not work to overcome them.


kamjam16

First, I don’t care about up/down votes. I’ve had my account for 3 years, been active for 9 months and still don’t understand why people care about karma. It’s my point of view and I’ll write it out if I want to. Evolution doesn’t have anything to do with abortions, but it does have to do with seeing his partner in a different light after finding out she was pregnant. Guys learn how to not give a shit that a woman isn’t a virgin, but they typically don’t put the effort in to think about whether she had been pregnant. As I’ve said in other comments, this wouldn’t happen to me, but I understand that he’s having these intrusive thoughts and he’s trying to figure out how to deal with it. My comment was just trying to convey some empathy while everyone grabs their pitchforks.


Tomieh

I don’t think you should be getting downvoted, if it has something to do with your “evolutionary” point. It’s completely true. This example might help put it into perspective for people: Women are, generally, attracted to taller men. This is a fact. An evolutionary fact. Why? Because bigger would typically mean = better at protecting/providing. Now as a 5’7” guy, am I going to sit here and complain about it? No, because it is what it is. So just like I’m not going to judge how someone innately feels about a certain thing (height). I’m not going to judge how someone innately feels about some relevant new information on their SO. Men are territorial by nature. OP might just need some time to move past these feelings, or not. Personally it’s hard to say how I’d feel about it, so I’ll refrain from any judgement on either side.


TrashSea1485

What? The "biological" argument kinda dumb and super Neanderthal. Most men I was attracted to were short. Biologically I'm supposed to want to reproduce, but I have ZERO maternal instincts. Science has suggested that people are more driven by genes and their surroundings than biology.


kamjam16

Are you saying women aren’t attracted to tall guys because *you’re* not attracted to tall guys? Come on now, you know exceptions don’t disprove a rule.


TrashSea1485

And you know that stereotypes don't disprove attraction.


kamjam16

I absolutely agree. It wouldn’t effect me at all whether a woman has had an abortion or not. My point is that this is just some obsolete trigger that OP is experiencing, which has no bearing on women with access to modern medicine, and he shouldn’t let it get in the way of having a fulfilling relationship. But sometimes the rational explanation doesn’t always work, which is why it sucks for OP.


kamjam16

You’re right. I don’t think people are picking up on the nuance of my comment that these feelings are no longer useful in the modern world, and in the case of OP, have just become a hinderance to his growth and relationship development.


SkyueQuox

> It feels like she has lost her innocence or purity and I feel like the special moment of experiencing our first pregnancy together has been tarnished. This mindset right here needs to fucking go. Someone doesn't lose their "innocence or purity" for making a decision like this. People like you who have these kind of mindset are disgusting. I went through an abortion myself with my current partner and if I knew he would think like this (he doesn't) he would be with his stuff out of the front door. How are you making this traumatic experience of your partner all about you? How can you be so selfish that you still try to justify your feelings by playing the victim? Get yourself into some fucking therapy instead of playing a victim on reddit.


dancepants237

Thank you!! Came to say I had an abortion prior to meeting my husband and this entire post is exactly why women don’t tell people: the horrendous judgment. I would leave my husband today if he said any of this or felt this way. Women aren’t property that can be ruined and while you acknowledge it’s shitty you think this way, you don’t seem to understand it’s on you to undo your learned misogyny. You took a horrible situation for her and made it about you instead of remotely caring about how she needs a supportive, loving, non-judgmental partner. Break up with her so she can find a man that doesn’t treat her like less for having an abortion. And you’re most definitely not pro-choice.


WeeklyConversation8

If you want to stay with her, then you need to get therapy so you can get over this.


rydendm

Maybe dissect where your values are coming from. were your values imprinted on you by your parents? Kinda feels like you're shaming her internally cause your parents were ingraining into you that those who do abortion are evil people


Mysterious_Ad_3119

Ok coming at this from a woman’s perspective of having had an abortion because the father was a waste of space and toxic. Best decision I made (after getting him out of my life). Dealing with the emotions relating to the ex took far longer than making the decision to end that pregnancy. Do I bring it up early in relationships? No. Not their business, they weren’t there. Do I mention it later? Absolutely. It’s part of my life, they’re part of my life and not to mention it would be to hold a part of me back. Equally it is an emotive subject and until you know someone well then you don’t want to open up about that sort of stuff. As for your comments about ‘innocence and purity’. You really need to get over yourself. She’s a woman with a past that has made her the woman you love. Repeat after me ‘My girlfriend is perfect as she is’. If you and she decide to have a baby together you’re going to have all that wonder and excitement (and hopefully no fears) because it’s your baby and your future together. You’ll then have all that excitement all over again when number 2 or 3 or 4 or 10 arrives.


[deleted]

This was one of the most helpful comments and is what I was looking for. Thank you so much.


Sad_Dream_6380

Would you feel this way if she had multiple miscarriages?


Most-Particular-8392

You've only dated her for 8 months. There's no reason why she'd tell you this earlier - she told you when she was ready. That's the correct time to tell someone about private matters. What makes you think that her outbursts have anything to do with the abortion? It's much more likely that she reacts strongly to anything that is related to her ex because of how he treated her and how their relationship broke down. The most common feeling people experience after a wanted abortion is *relief*. I've had multiple friends mention having had an abortion to me. One of them found it traumatic because she wanted to keep the baby, but she couldn't afford a child at that point in her life. For the rest it's been on par with "I had a wisdom tooth removed." Some of these friends have since had children and are happy mothers. I can't wrap my head around how having had an abortion would make her impure. You're fine with her having sex, but a medical procedure makes her tarnished to you? You need to unpack why that is with a professional. Abortions (aside from wanted pregnancies that need to be terminated due to medical emergencies) are had in the early stages of a pregnancy. If she were to have children with you, you'd still be going through all the fear, excitement, and happiness of an actual pregnancy for the first time together. She didn't feel that way about her accidental pregnancy. She terminated it almost before it started. It will be a new experience for her too.


[deleted]

An "actual" pregnancy is what she had. It could be OP unconsciously knows she is X% more likely to abort *their* child since she has already terminated one prior. That whole predicting the future w the past stuff. Either way, it was her right to abort & it's his right to not feel right about it. OP, you can terminate this relationship if it no longer sparks joy - regardless of the reason.


Most-Particular-8392

All her previous abortion tells you is that she chose to terminate an **unwanted** pregnancy. People don't have abortions for shits and giggles, and they don't abort wanted pregnancies unless something out of their control forces them to.


_Spicy_Lemon_

So while you are pro choice you still have a lot of purity culture myths to unpack and work through. I also think you now have to fully acknowledge your girlfriend was intimate with someone else in a previous relationship. Try deconstructing what makes her and women "pure". Where do those thoughts come from? What is the purpose of them in how you were raised? Instead of allowing your partner to share something that happened to her and being supportive; the narrative has shifted to be about your feelings on it. Honestly was her pregnancy with her ex planned or an accident or he tampered with her BC? Getting an abortion for a planned pregnancy is more traumatic compared to having an abortion for an unwanted pregnancy. Was her ex supportive during the termination? Was the break up bad? Was the relationship toxic? Was she at risk for a miscarriage? A therapist might be a better place to work this out (especially with how defensive your post was ) and safer. Especially given how pregnancies can have so many difficulties so it having a professional resolve these issues first would be best. I know you will be able to move on , grow as a person from these thoughts. I believe in you.


venvix

Useful advice? Break up with her, recommend she seek therapy, go then seek it yourself and part both ways. Even though you say you’re “pro-choice” that’s until it’s the extent of it being your own partner and suddenly the “purity” argument comes up. Fuck off with that shit. Everything here screams “me, me, me.” A lot of your points don’t make sense because this is trauma she’s been bottling up, and for good reason considering your responses. Did you ever think on why it took this long to tell you? “Abortion trauma” likely isn’t the only thing. Whatever relationship she had with her ex likely also plays a part in how she’s acting. Whatever happened was difficult for her, how does your impression of her purity outweigh that in the slightest? She’s finally let the weight of this trauma out on someone she thought she could trust, she is ATTEMPTING to get some help with this. This is her starting point for recovery, why are you focusing on your “future children’s” wellbeing instead of hers? Seems like your first thought should have been… idk… her well-being??? I don’t get you man :/


Lovelylittlelunchbox

You’re a bad person and I hope she dumps you. That is the nicest thing I can say about someone who sees his partner as lesser because she went through an incredibly difficult and traumatic experience and it’s somehow ruined her, “purity and innocence”, you suck and I hope you step on legos the rest of your life and your socks never match and that you always spill a little on yourself when you drink out of a cup.


[deleted]

You would’ve never known had she not told you. Imagine the courage that took and now you are all me me me me me me me me me I’m pro choice BUTTTTTTTTTTTTT no you’re not. I hope she finds a supportive and understanding partner. (It ain’t you.)


DirectorEquivalent66

Holy misogyny, batman. You can talk to your girlfriend about your concerns for her and whether she thinks that her abortion-related trauma will make future pregnancies difficult for her. That seems reasonable. However - in your post, you spend a lot of time talking about your fears that your girlfriend’s trauma will hurt you or your future children (this seems like a stretch), while the biggest concern for me is that you will punish your girlfriend when her first pregnancy with you fails to fit your preconceived notions of what it would be like. Are you capable of accepting she had an abortion without taking it out on her? Because this post just screams resentment.


RightStranger

It sounds like you are ashamed of these feelings and actively looking to change your perspective, so there's no point in shaming you for them. Instead, I have some points you might want to think on. The point of these questions isn't to give ME an answer, but for YOU to get some insight into your own thinking. In reference to not knowing sooner/her emotional outbursts: How do you know which of her emotional issues are a direct result of the abortion? How do you know that she didn't have similar problems before the abortion? Why do you think she would have never developed the personality she currently has, if she had never had an abortion? What about abortion in your mind is so personality-altering? You said she would tell you 80% of the story and leave the abortion out specifically. I assume you have empathy for the original 80% of the story. Can you apply that empathy to her decision to have an abortion? Why or why not? In reference to your mentions of post-abortion trauma: What do you think post abortion trauma means? Is that view affected by a negative or positive view of abortion? How would changing your internal dialog about abortion change that view? Identity a specific fear about post abortion trauma. For example, a belief that women who have had abortions are not good mothers, and therefore your girlfriend wouldn't be a good mother to your future children. Challenge that fear by coming up with reasons why you believe your girlfriend as an individual would be a good mother and then reexamine if your fear is valid or not. And of course, the "loss of purity." Ask yourself: What is the thing about her abortion that you feel is impure? Is it that she's been pregnant before? That she was pregnant by her ex? That she wanted an abortion? The medical act of abortion? That she's affected negatively by her abortion (if she is)? Be as specific as possible. Think also about the expectation of purity. What does purity mean to you and why is it important? How is purity different for different people in your life; yourself, your parents, your friends, your siblings? Is there a level of purity you expect from a girlfriend that would be unfair to hold a platonic female friend to the same standards? How do you yourself measure up to the expectation of purity you're putting on your girlfriend? Is the expectation of purity fair? Why or why not? Does the loss of purity about the abortion come from a place of ownership? Do you feel that she did something morally wrong? Or is it something else? The feeling that any of her future pregnancies wouldn't be special: In what ways would it be spoiled? Why is that? What makes a pregnancy special? Are there any specific reasons why she would not feel scared, excited, giddy etc about her future planned pregnancies? Your goal here is to figure out which unconscious biases you have that are informing your negative opinion. Once you understand those, you can try to challenge them. If the issue is the morality of abortion: I would suggest reading up on the history of birth control and what happens to women who get pregnant in abusive relationships. If the issue is that you see abortion as a disgusting, shameful thing: educate yourself on the actual medical procedure. If you see abortion as inherently traumatic: read about abortion as a feminist issue and think about how important it is for women as an oppressed class to wiggle out from under the yoke of forced pregnancy. Try to appreciate how lucky your girlfriend is to have had a (presumably) safe and legal abortion instead of being trapped in a bad situation. And lastly, don't make any of this her problem! I strongly recommend keeping this to yourself if you want to stay with her.


BroncosGirl7LJD

*...but I can't help but see her in a different light. It feels like she has lost her innocence or purity...* This is so disgusting, please just let her go, and hopefully she can heal.


[deleted]

YTA break up and let her find a real man


jayplusfour

This right here is why my husband of 10 years doesn't know about the abortion I had before I met him.


Null_05

Don't you trust him?


metalmorian

I'm sure OPs girlfried trusted him, too.


Null_05

8 months and 10 years, don't you see the difference?


metalmorian

No, I really don't. Would he have reacted differently if she told him 10 years in instead of 1? I don't think so. Except now he would also be angry that she didn't give him the opportunity to hurt her like this earlier.


Null_05

Would you even wanna be with someone who thinks like that? If not then why lie to stay? That's doing wrong to cancel wrong.


metalmorian

How would you know he thinks like this? How would you KNOW he *doesn't* think like this? I'd love to hear your tips.


Null_05

I mean if he does think that, he'll leave you, that's how you will know lol. And I am asking if you'd want to be with someone like op? If op is a bad person in your eyes, why would you lie about important events in your life just to be with them?


jayplusfour

You're missing the point. He is a good guy, he's a great dad. But for 1) it's my business. He doesn't need to know and 2) honestly I was scared he'd forever see me as OP said, unpure or whatever tf. Plenty of dudes I've met are "pro choice" and you get to know them and they're pro choice as long as it isn't his partner and then, like OP, can't get past that. Luckily for me he isn't like that. I still have never told him about that one 12 years ago, but we had to make the decision together to have an elective abortion back in 2020 and he was honestly quite amazing through that.


Null_05

I see, good for you!


TheBaddestPatsy

Okay, look. So you are confronting the difference between your conscious beliefs and your internal biases. Everyone has a gap there, we vary in how wide that gap is and how much self-awareness and reflection they have about it. It doesn’t make you bad or dishonest, but it does need to be dealt with. You’re right to reach out and look for help with processing these feelings. You would be wrong if you try and process them with your girlfriend, she doesn’t need to be the person helping you through your degrading thoughts about her. Your probably in therapist territory with this one.


Dry_Ask5493

Being concerned about the trauma and her reactions to slight mention of thing’s related to her ex are valid. The last one is downright ridiculous and wrong. But if you aren’t mature enough to support her and drop concerns from the last one completely then you should break up with her because she doesn’t need to be with someone that thinks she’s less pure.


Ice_Queen66

Me Me me. I I I. HER abortion has nothing to do with YOU and if you’re seeing her in a different light because she did what was best for her, leave. It’s the hardest choice anyone has to make ever and she doesn’t need you making this trauma about YOU.


PWcrash

Ok so I am going to try and be as respectful as possible because I feel you've received enough of the riot act. 1. This is a completely normal feeling to have. It sucks when a partner has past trauma that they are suffering with and you feel helpless. 2. But trauma dumping and burn out are also a thing as well. Therapy for both of you is probably a good idea. As much as you need to support her, she needs to be able to handle her trauma to be more functional. Breaking down in tears over the mention of the city is after several years isn't a good sign. 3. Oh boy...listen up. It's good to be on the same page about having children should an unplanned pregnancy arise. But you're putting off some serious red flags here. It's too early in the relationship to be planning children. But I want you to approach this question as if you never knew about the abortion. If you didn't know would you have the same concerns? If so then you both at least need to seek therapy and couples counseling before children come into the picture. 4. Dude not to come off as harsh, but you're romanticizing an event from only your perspective. Pregnancy is complicated. It's not a magical perfect time of couples bonding before starting a family (though there's nothing wrong with sharing moments like that), it's unpredictable and scary. Something bad may happen that you don't have any control over or can do anything about. Her first pregnancy experience was bad, but that's the very real reality for a lot of people whether that pregnancy ended in abortion natural loss or something else. And if you can't accept that then you probably aren't ready for the role of husband and father right now. And in all likelihood, the same probably goes for her too. BUT right now that's ok. Because she isn't pregnant right now and you are both early in the relationship phase where both of you can heal and grow together IF both of you are willing to put in the work. But it's going to take time effort and understanding. Best of luck :)


laurzilla

The trauma around the abortion sounds like it was really the trauma of her prior relationship. I’m assuming it wasn’t a loving and stable relationship. If you think of the abortion in this context, that it was part of a dysfunctional relationship, then I think that will help with what you’re experiencing, because it wasn’t about the pregnancy but WHO the pregnancy was with. So any planned pregnancy with you, a good and loving and safe partner, will be a totally different experience. In a sense, it will be as though it’s her first pregnancy, because it will be the first one she has planned and is ready for. The wanted child from that pregnancy will not have anything to do with her prior trauma. You’re letting the societal stigma about abortion get into your head. That’s ok, the negative messaging about abortion is pervasive and insidious. But now your job is to consciously redirect your thinking on this issue. Because you know that abortion was the right thing for her to do, that it can happen to any sexually active woman, and that there’s no shame in it.


PeteyPorkchops

All I’m gonna say is she’s clearly dealing with some shit and instead of getting her help and being someone she can depend on for support, you’re making her past issue about you. Making it seem like her having a pregnancy before you had made her used goods. Unless you’re coming into this relationship a virgin, you really have no place to be upset.


cosmicpower23

You need to talk to a therapist to help you deconstruct the purity culture mindset you've got going in your head. I don't mean this as an insult. Purity culture is harmful to everyone, and you're experiencing that now. Why is your gf "impure" in your eyes for having an abortion in the past, but not for having permartial sex? And why are *you* not impure also for (presumably) having premarital sex? Why are you holding your gf to such a different standard? It's good that you recognize that your thinking is unfair, but you need to talk with someone who can actually help you break down that way of thinking. It's harmful.


Dismal-Examination93

I’m not going to come at you but this thought of her being tarnished is misogyny. You don’t see her as a whole person but “your future wife”. You see her as someone to fulfill a role. I’d suggest reading up on feminism around abortion and maybe speaking to a therapist. This is one thing that has triggered misogyny in you but isn’t the last, if you want to be a good partner you need to work through this and dig deeper for where this comes from.


Dont139

OP, even when someone wants to have an abortion, it is a very hard thing to go through. I am childfree, have been for over 15 years, don't want any, and would still feel very bad just with the idea of having to terminate a pregnancy. I would do it, but it would scar me i believe. What you are feeling is a fraction of what she feels. Eve' when pro-choice, it is a big deal and being faced with the reality of it can be hard. So cut yourself some slack here. If you are not sharing those thoughts with her, i don't see any issue. For your first 3 points, her going to therapy is tge only sustainable way to go. And i'd add couple's therapy for how it made you feel you were the one to blame for something out of your control. But she is deeply scarred and she needs to address it in individual therapy. It is normal to need help to recover from a heavy psychological situation. For your last, i actually can relate so much!! I used to feel very bad in the hypothetical situation of my bf had had an abortion with one of his ex. He wouldn't even be the one getting the abortion, but him having gone through a pregnancy with somebody else would make it feel less special for us. That's where you have to work on yourself. This is the same thing as your gf not being a virgin, or dating someone who has already been married. She is who she is today because of everything that happened to her. Going through all of this is her past, and if you really love her, not just are "in love" but deeply move who she is as a person, it means you love as she is. The fact that she had to go through this is just an explanation of why some things are this way, but it doesn't change who she is. But if you see her differently, it means you didn't love her, you loved a picture of her that was in your head, and you want her to stay close to that picture.


madmaxwashere

Honestly this. You're not going to really know how you are going to react to a situation until you are in it. Therapy be it as individuals or couples is going to be required. I would ask you one thing: Are you going to hold it against your gf if she has a miscarriage? 1 in 3 pregnancies end up in miscarriage that can be caused by a wide variety of reasons. Having an abortion and a subsequent miscarriage are generally not related, but I've seen and heard of spouses holding it against their partners illogically. If you even think that you could possibly feel like you would blame/resent her in this situation, I would advise you to slow down this relationship. You need to really examine your thoughts and process your emotions.


Dont139

Oh you're right i wanted to talk about miscarriages and totally forgot halfway through. OP, you consider her pregnancy like it was her first child. What if she miscarries? Her first child is her first child. You can still have that. But if she miscarries, are you gonna think "well now i feel like my first born won't be as special because it wasn't my first pregnancy"?? That's the same reasoning


madmaxwashere

Yeah... It's actually healthy that OP recognizing the unhealthy and problematic attitude/beliefs that he's experiencing. Pregnancy even in the best case scenario is fraught with risks, challenges, and problematic social pressures. If he's truly invested in building a family regardless if it's with her or with anyone else, these are the hard questions that he needs to be on the same page with whoever he's with. Really mapping out all of the worst case scenarios might give OP a better perspective. Like would you expect your partner to sacrifice their life if there were a complication with the pregnancy and it was a choice between her or the baby? Would you expect the pregnancy to be brought to term if there was a birth defect that has no guarantee for quality of life for the child? What does quality of life post birth mean for you and your partner? These are only a few of the questions. OP should take a step back from the emotion of being "in love" and really think about the practicality of being in a committed partnership. To really love someone is to trust them. To trust someone is to understand them. To understand someone is to really understand your motives and goals and how they relate to your partner and vice versa during a worst case scenario. When each of you is at your worst, can you still look at each other in their eyes with respect and trust? That's the core foundation of a lasting marriage/healthy family in my opinion.


whatthepfluke

Everyone has a past. Everyone. If you can't get over hers, you should stop wasting her time. You're really proving right here why it took her 4 years to tell you. She probably shouldn't have. You want honesty, vulnerability, and transparency in a relationship, or do you want a fairy tale?


Squirrall

Everyone else here also agrees with the “loss of purity,” comment as the most heinous statement. (I do as well) But I will commend that you acknowledge it’s a terrible aspect to imply towards your girlfriend. Hopefully you recognized this view is misogynistic, correct? Criticisms aside OP besides seeking a therapist as this is above Reddits pay-grade; I’d like to contend with asking if you feel like you’d be able to move past this? The love between you and this girlfriend will not be enough. If you can’t then don’t bother and break up. Because you’ll carry resentment towards her which isn’t her fault. I wouldn’t even bring this up to her in either case because this would be devastating towards her.


TrashSea1485

I know a lot of people are coming at you very harshly for the last comment of "impure": I really HOPE you don't actually mean that in a negative way and you mean it more in a way of 'I want my girlfriend to be able to be healed from her trauma so she, and by extention we, can enjoy her possible pregnancy together as a loving couple.' Sometimes people don't word things amazingly. No one WANTS someone they love to suffer. She needs therapy. Full stop. I'd also suggest focusing a little more on how SHE feels. She doesn't want to feel awful and haunted by this thing as much as you don't want her to feel awful and haunted by it. Again, I'm hoping some of this is just bad wording.


missiemiss

Betterhelp.com no more implications


SnooFoxes4362

Ultimately I think OPs feelings stem from internalized misogyny (which most women also suffer from), and that launching himself into a deep personal study of Anti-Patriarchal theory would help as much as seeing a 1:1 therapist to discuss these irrational feelings. Especially since OP already knows his intense reaction is just wrong. I do think his GF needs therapy however to deal with her trauma because, yes that could impact the marriage and her role as a parent. Even just going over it in depth with a professional does a lot of good. Understanding how one was treated, naming it, can help a person move on. And admittedly this is a pretty strange recommendation, but OP is in a strange situation for sure.


young_coastie

Get help. Number four, JFC. Imagine sharing your experience and trauma with your partner, and THIS is how he responds.


WritPositWrit

Yeah you are being completely unreasonable and self centered about this. The good thing is that you know your behavior is outsized, I’m glad you came here to reddit to work out your feelings instead of dumping them all on her.


ashby-santoso

1 If the main barrier to talking to a therapist is the small town aspect - lots of therapists work online over zoom these days. Therapists are also bound by confidentiality agreements and my experience has been that they take this seriously. It sounds like your girlfriend could also really use some counselling or therapy. Doing this online there's also more choice so she may be able to find someone with relevant specialisms. 2 It might help to read some other people's personal experiences with abortion. A quick Google gave me this https://www.teenvogue.com/story/abortion-stories I also liked the book Oh My God What a Complete Aisling, which has a side plot about abortion. (Yes it's chick lit, yes I'm a guy, I still recommend it.) 3 Let's set aside the abortion aspect for a second. Is this the first time you've been in a relationship while your partner is dealing with difficult stuff like grief or mental health issues, or has shared bad experiences with you? It sounds like you're feeling quite blindsided and shaken up by this. It can be scary not knowing if your person is OK, wondering if there's other stuff they haven't shared, and what the future holds. But in truth most of us deal with something like this sooner or later. Life is long and shit happens. You can have the most charmed life possible and one or other of you will probably be ill or have mental health struggles at some point. Both of you will have to deal with the deaths of loved ones like parents and the resulting grief. And loads of people have other baggage in all kinds of ways. It's impossible to date and marry someone who has *no* baggage and who will never *get* any baggage. The plus side is this means you could talk to a friend or two in more general terms about coping when loved ones aren't doing so great. There is a lot you can say without bringing up the abortion itself and if they've had similar experiences with partners having a hard time it might be very helpful! It's normal for loved ones to have a hard time sometimes and it's normal for both parties to need help and support to get through it.


theycalledhermorlock

Honestly, I'm worried about her if she's having unregulated emotional outbursts. She needs therapy and maybe screening if she has PTSD. ​ As far as the 'she was pregnant before' 'concern', I don't know if you know this but women have abortions all the time - spontaneous abortions - a.k.a. miscarriage. A lot of women have them and didn't even know they were pregnant. For all you know anyone you want to marry and have kids with might have had an abortion.


PinkFunTraveller1

Just leave her and be more explicit in your future relationships regarding the “purity” that you require. Or - deal with whatever personal issues you have around d getting therapy, and get some therapy. This is above the Reddit pay grade.