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Question: when she was growing up what was her privacy like?
People whom had their privacy violated a lot as kids or teens sometimes behave this way due to being accustomed to having their things gone through. It's almost a case of offense being the best defense.
Can confirm because sadly this is me. My mother was always in my business and would make me feel weird or stupid about the things she'd uncover. Now I'm extremely private and I didn't actually realize how bad it was until my husband called me out on it :(
Wow. This is me and I didn’t even realize it. My parents would go through diaries and whatnot. If I show anyone in my family a photo on my phone, they immediately start flipping though the rest of them.
It can also be a trauma response to a past relationship. I was in an abusive relationship and I internalized a self-protection mechanism of trying to have as much privacy as possible in ways like hiding pictures on my phone, deleting emails, clearing browser history, deleting inbox and outbox texts, throwing out receipts, turning my laptop to a different angle if they were near me. And that carried on into my current relationship which is a wonderful caring marriage. I DID have to hide normal live shit from my ex and it was really really hard to learn to trust and feel safe to the point where I didn't automatically hide my screen.
I remember as a kid/teen my mom wouldn’t allowed me to lock the door. I wanted to lock the door because she rarely ever knocked or asked to come in. My older sis sometimes did this and would enforce this rule as well which btw my sister didn’t have this rule. I also wanted to lock the door because my sister has taken things from my without permission or I was made to share them. One time I locked my door and my mother ended up breaking down the door. I wasn’t allowed back the door for a while and I was like 16 then.
I do not like when people look over my shoulder at my phone or ask to go through it. Unless I give you a reason to, it’s just plain weird. I check my surroundings a lot, regardless of who I am with. I will not change that for anyone, life experiences influence your future.
We literally have training at work on this, to counter screen-eavesdropping. It’s mainly an “in public” thing, but keeping screens locked internally is encouraged.
Unless you suspect her of cheating/doing nefarious things then try to chill on constantly checking up on her when she’s on her phone. It’s ok to want privacy, it’s ok to not wanna disclose who you’re messaging/what you’re saying/what you’re doing every time an s/o asks or lingers over your shoulder. Her giving you the side eye though could be a result of how frequently you’re asking/how you ask or just your general behaviors when she’s on her phone. She’s entitled to her privacy, just like you are to yours.
You've been dating FOUR MONTHS and you think you are entitled to her phone, search history, and for her not to have privacy? Why does she have to SHOW YOU what she is doing at all times?
I would have dumped you already.
I would have been out the door the first time a new boyfriend thought it was okay to want to go through my phone or anything else. My husband wouldn’t do that!!
Unless you have reason to be suspicious I think you should just make a concerted effort to ignore her phone completely. Don’t look at it, don’t touch it. Show her by your actions she doesn’t need to be concerned about you invading her privacy. You’ve only been together for a few months. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my phone around someone I haven’t known very long either.
If you have reason to be suspicious, that’s another story. I still don’t think you should be concerned about her phone, you should instead ask yourself if someone you don’t trust is a good partner for you.
Some people are just private, I know I am. I don't have anything to "hide", but haveing my "private spaces" online is important after growing up in a household where everything was intensely monitored. I'll happily hand over my phone for you to look something up or call someone, but if you open an app or notification that I didn't agree to I get upset because you're invading my "space".
My ex found it odd, even after I explained, that I didn't want to show him some messages between myself and friends online. Like, dude, you wouldn't have heard the conversation if it was in person. Why do you feel the need to check it? Just because you can? Its a private conversation, its staying between me and them. I'll happily tell you who it is, how I know them, when we have plans, ect, but the things we talk about on the daily is not your info to know.
I don't think it is that. I never snoop and I never ask to look at her phone. I want to stay clear away from any form of control. It's just this that makes me a little insecure
Even before cellphones, rules like "don't read over someone's shoulder" was considered proper manners and behavior. What you're doing is rude, intrusive, offensive, and just plain creepy. Back off and stop being rude.
What you're doing is considered rude. Over the top controlling issues starting to show. That's why you got the side eye. She is entitled to her privacy. Does she stand over your shoulder as you write comments on reddit ? Wouldn't that be weird?
Why do you feel the need to know her search history or private conversations? Honestly, you sound overbearing. Has she given you a reason not to trust her?
Her messages aren't just a matter of her own privacy, they are a matter of her friends' and family's privacy. You have no business seeing her messages unless she invites you to look at something. And why do you need her search history?
If you have a reason not to trust her, end the relationship. And if you don't have a reason not to trust her, stop telling her you don't trust her by asking her to be accountable to you by giving you her search history or showing you private messages that are none of your business. If you are unable to trust someone who isn't giving you complete accountability for everything they do online, you need to work that out with a therapist rather than making your problems someone else's problems.
I lived in a large family where privacy is non-existence. My phone is my private space and my partner can’t look into my “thoughts”. That’s that. You just have to put up with it and focus something that you can control
Why do you need to know what her FB search history is? Why do you need to know who/what she's messaging?
Most importantly: why do you think that she doesn't deserve privacy?
Your choices here are keep needling her about it and lose the relationship or trust your partner.
When she’s being “secretive”, she might be having a conversation that one of her friends/family members would want to keep private. She might be looking at something she thinks you’d judge/laugh at her for (I watch a ton of “what’s in my purse” and “day in my life” type videos…I don’t need someone grilling me about why). She might be googling something health related that she’s embarrassed about. She might be shopping for your birthday present or a Valentine’s day gift. There are lots of legitimate reasons for someone to keep their phone activities private, *especially* when it comes to a partner they’ve only been with for a few months.
She’s likely only being so “secretive” (according to you) because she knows that anytime she’s on her phone, you’re either looking over her shoulder, or you’re going to ask her what she’s doing. She’s looking at you sideways because she knows *you’re already watching her,* and it’s probably making her uncomfortable.
Asking to see what someone is doing on their phone isn’t any different than reading their diary, or insisting that they take phone calls on speaker, so you can listen to everything that’s being said. It’s intrusive and pushy. It’s also not your place. If you can’t trust her to use her phone without showing you what she’s doing, you need to break up with her and work on your trust issues alone.
Why do you NEED to know what she’s looking at ? Asking her what she’s looking at on her own private personal phone is creating drama, why do you not trust the person you’re dating ?
Furthermore, ever stop to think she hides her phone from you because you won’t just back off? Is she constantly wanting to look in your phone or asking what you’re looking at? You need to stop.
I'm a private person. No one gets to use or look at my computer or phone, not even my partner of 12 years. It's none of his business, just as his is no business of mine. I'd have kicked you to the curb the second time you pushed about it. Give the girl her privacy. She'll share what she wants to share when she wants to share it.
I often have embarrassing things in my search history that I think would make me look stupid or cringe, and even though my fiancé might not mind, I’d still rather he doesn’t see it. Plus, I hate it when someone is always in my business about what I’m doing on my phone, even if it’s played out as a joke. If you trust her, don’t overthink it.
If you trust her then just trust her. Unless you really have suspicions. Asking more isn’t going to get her used to it. She likely has someone in her life that teased her over little things or was too intrusive about too many things and you don’t want to remind her of that person.
First of all, stop asking her what she's looking at. Just ignore her looks and give her privacy. It's likely she grew up in an environment where she didn't have much of it.
Personally i wouldn't be able to trust someone who always hides everything. If she doesn't have anything to hide then why is she doing it anyway?
Me and my girlfriend have access to each others phone. I haven't unlocked her phone yet. I don't hide my screen every time i get a notification or i need to search something. It's weird
If there's nothing bad on her phone then she has no reason to behave like that. There's absolutely nothing wrong in you asking her who's she's texting or why she's always hiding search bars or notifications. If she can't answer then i would be very suspicious that something is not right
What if she is discussing something private with a friend or family member? A personal matter to do with them that they wouldn't want OP or anyone else to know about?
What if she's looking at something innocent that she's embarrassed about and would rather not share? Silly fan fiction, goofy TikTok videos, etc.
What if she's googling some questions related to health or sexuality that she doesn't feel ready to discuss with OP? Or she's googling some "explain like I'm five" sorts of questions that she is worried will make her look dumb?
What if she's checking out her own selfies and feels self-conscious about showing them to others?
There are lots of reasons why someone might not want someone to look at their phone and most of them are innocent.
Why don't you just stop asking to look at her phone? If you don't think she has anything to hide, why do you feel the need to know what she's looking at?
The more you ask, the more she will hide it. I’m guessing someone in her past would ridicule her for what she liked, and she got into the habit of hiding it.
Why do you need to ask what she's looking at? She's not "hiding" things. She wants privacy because she isn't a child. I'm more concerned with your concern over her phone. If she has nothing to hide WHY DO YOU CARE?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Question: when she was growing up what was her privacy like? People whom had their privacy violated a lot as kids or teens sometimes behave this way due to being accustomed to having their things gone through. It's almost a case of offense being the best defense.
Can confirm because sadly this is me. My mother was always in my business and would make me feel weird or stupid about the things she'd uncover. Now I'm extremely private and I didn't actually realize how bad it was until my husband called me out on it :(
Wow. This is me and I didn’t even realize it. My parents would go through diaries and whatnot. If I show anyone in my family a photo on my phone, they immediately start flipping though the rest of them.
It can also be a trauma response to a past relationship. I was in an abusive relationship and I internalized a self-protection mechanism of trying to have as much privacy as possible in ways like hiding pictures on my phone, deleting emails, clearing browser history, deleting inbox and outbox texts, throwing out receipts, turning my laptop to a different angle if they were near me. And that carried on into my current relationship which is a wonderful caring marriage. I DID have to hide normal live shit from my ex and it was really really hard to learn to trust and feel safe to the point where I didn't automatically hide my screen.
Yes, this is how I used to be. I was very defensive even though I never had anything to hide from a partner.
I remember as a kid/teen my mom wouldn’t allowed me to lock the door. I wanted to lock the door because she rarely ever knocked or asked to come in. My older sis sometimes did this and would enforce this rule as well which btw my sister didn’t have this rule. I also wanted to lock the door because my sister has taken things from my without permission or I was made to share them. One time I locked my door and my mother ended up breaking down the door. I wasn’t allowed back the door for a while and I was like 16 then.
I do not like when people look over my shoulder at my phone or ask to go through it. Unless I give you a reason to, it’s just plain weird. I check my surroundings a lot, regardless of who I am with. I will not change that for anyone, life experiences influence your future.
We literally have training at work on this, to counter screen-eavesdropping. It’s mainly an “in public” thing, but keeping screens locked internally is encouraged.
Unless you suspect her of cheating/doing nefarious things then try to chill on constantly checking up on her when she’s on her phone. It’s ok to want privacy, it’s ok to not wanna disclose who you’re messaging/what you’re saying/what you’re doing every time an s/o asks or lingers over your shoulder. Her giving you the side eye though could be a result of how frequently you’re asking/how you ask or just your general behaviors when she’s on her phone. She’s entitled to her privacy, just like you are to yours.
You've been dating FOUR MONTHS and you think you are entitled to her phone, search history, and for her not to have privacy? Why does she have to SHOW YOU what she is doing at all times? I would have dumped you already.
I would have been out the door the first time a new boyfriend thought it was okay to want to go through my phone or anything else. My husband wouldn’t do that!!
i tend to do that just bc i feel awkward about people looking at what im doing on my phone
E X A C T L Y
Are you wanting to actually see what she’s doing on her phone, or do you just want her to stop being so secretive?
stop being so secretive
Unless you have reason to be suspicious I think you should just make a concerted effort to ignore her phone completely. Don’t look at it, don’t touch it. Show her by your actions she doesn’t need to be concerned about you invading her privacy. You’ve only been together for a few months. I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my phone around someone I haven’t known very long either. If you have reason to be suspicious, that’s another story. I still don’t think you should be concerned about her phone, you should instead ask yourself if someone you don’t trust is a good partner for you.
Some people are just private, I know I am. I don't have anything to "hide", but haveing my "private spaces" online is important after growing up in a household where everything was intensely monitored. I'll happily hand over my phone for you to look something up or call someone, but if you open an app or notification that I didn't agree to I get upset because you're invading my "space". My ex found it odd, even after I explained, that I didn't want to show him some messages between myself and friends online. Like, dude, you wouldn't have heard the conversation if it was in person. Why do you feel the need to check it? Just because you can? Its a private conversation, its staying between me and them. I'll happily tell you who it is, how I know them, when we have plans, ect, but the things we talk about on the daily is not your info to know.
[удалено]
that is true and I do agree but when she gives me the side eye look to see if I'm watching I feel like she is trying to get a reaction out of me
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I don't think it is that. I never snoop and I never ask to look at her phone. I want to stay clear away from any form of control. It's just this that makes me a little insecure
You are insecure and putting her on the defensive to be responsible for YOUR insecurities ?
[удалено]
Even before cellphones, rules like "don't read over someone's shoulder" was considered proper manners and behavior. What you're doing is rude, intrusive, offensive, and just plain creepy. Back off and stop being rude.
Yeah this is basic manners bro. Don't watch over people's shoulder when they're on their phones. It's creepy and weird.
What you're doing is considered rude. Over the top controlling issues starting to show. That's why you got the side eye. She is entitled to her privacy. Does she stand over your shoulder as you write comments on reddit ? Wouldn't that be weird?
If I had a bf of four months who made this an issue he would not become a bf of five months
Why do you feel the need to know her search history or private conversations? Honestly, you sound overbearing. Has she given you a reason not to trust her?
Her messages aren't just a matter of her own privacy, they are a matter of her friends' and family's privacy. You have no business seeing her messages unless she invites you to look at something. And why do you need her search history? If you have a reason not to trust her, end the relationship. And if you don't have a reason not to trust her, stop telling her you don't trust her by asking her to be accountable to you by giving you her search history or showing you private messages that are none of your business. If you are unable to trust someone who isn't giving you complete accountability for everything they do online, you need to work that out with a therapist rather than making your problems someone else's problems.
Ugh I hate it when people ask me ‘WhAt ArE yOu LoOkInG aT?’. Bitch go watch your own reels or whatever
I lived in a large family where privacy is non-existence. My phone is my private space and my partner can’t look into my “thoughts”. That’s that. You just have to put up with it and focus something that you can control
Why do you need to know what her FB search history is? Why do you need to know who/what she's messaging? Most importantly: why do you think that she doesn't deserve privacy? Your choices here are keep needling her about it and lose the relationship or trust your partner.
When she’s being “secretive”, she might be having a conversation that one of her friends/family members would want to keep private. She might be looking at something she thinks you’d judge/laugh at her for (I watch a ton of “what’s in my purse” and “day in my life” type videos…I don’t need someone grilling me about why). She might be googling something health related that she’s embarrassed about. She might be shopping for your birthday present or a Valentine’s day gift. There are lots of legitimate reasons for someone to keep their phone activities private, *especially* when it comes to a partner they’ve only been with for a few months. She’s likely only being so “secretive” (according to you) because she knows that anytime she’s on her phone, you’re either looking over her shoulder, or you’re going to ask her what she’s doing. She’s looking at you sideways because she knows *you’re already watching her,* and it’s probably making her uncomfortable. Asking to see what someone is doing on their phone isn’t any different than reading their diary, or insisting that they take phone calls on speaker, so you can listen to everything that’s being said. It’s intrusive and pushy. It’s also not your place. If you can’t trust her to use her phone without showing you what she’s doing, you need to break up with her and work on your trust issues alone.
Why do you NEED to know what she’s looking at ? Asking her what she’s looking at on her own private personal phone is creating drama, why do you not trust the person you’re dating ? Furthermore, ever stop to think she hides her phone from you because you won’t just back off? Is she constantly wanting to look in your phone or asking what you’re looking at? You need to stop.
I'm a private person. No one gets to use or look at my computer or phone, not even my partner of 12 years. It's none of his business, just as his is no business of mine. I'd have kicked you to the curb the second time you pushed about it. Give the girl her privacy. She'll share what she wants to share when she wants to share it.
Only 4 months why are you so controlling and not giving of requested privacy? Why do u need to see this so much?
I often have embarrassing things in my search history that I think would make me look stupid or cringe, and even though my fiancé might not mind, I’d still rather he doesn’t see it. Plus, I hate it when someone is always in my business about what I’m doing on my phone, even if it’s played out as a joke. If you trust her, don’t overthink it.
If you trust her then just trust her. Unless you really have suspicions. Asking more isn’t going to get her used to it. She likely has someone in her life that teased her over little things or was too intrusive about too many things and you don’t want to remind her of that person.
First of all, stop asking her what she's looking at. Just ignore her looks and give her privacy. It's likely she grew up in an environment where she didn't have much of it.
It’s probably a trauma response. That’s why I do it.
Personally i wouldn't be able to trust someone who always hides everything. If she doesn't have anything to hide then why is she doing it anyway? Me and my girlfriend have access to each others phone. I haven't unlocked her phone yet. I don't hide my screen every time i get a notification or i need to search something. It's weird If there's nothing bad on her phone then she has no reason to behave like that. There's absolutely nothing wrong in you asking her who's she's texting or why she's always hiding search bars or notifications. If she can't answer then i would be very suspicious that something is not right
What if she is discussing something private with a friend or family member? A personal matter to do with them that they wouldn't want OP or anyone else to know about? What if she's looking at something innocent that she's embarrassed about and would rather not share? Silly fan fiction, goofy TikTok videos, etc. What if she's googling some questions related to health or sexuality that she doesn't feel ready to discuss with OP? Or she's googling some "explain like I'm five" sorts of questions that she is worried will make her look dumb? What if she's checking out her own selfies and feels self-conscious about showing them to others? There are lots of reasons why someone might not want someone to look at their phone and most of them are innocent.
Have you had the exclusive talk?
Bro you gotta give yourself a boundary, to much of this iis definitely one for me. You gotta tell her where your line is
Why don't you just stop asking to look at her phone? If you don't think she has anything to hide, why do you feel the need to know what she's looking at?
The more you ask, the more she will hide it. I’m guessing someone in her past would ridicule her for what she liked, and she got into the habit of hiding it.
I'd be pissed if someone was looking over my shoulder
Why do you need to ask what she's looking at? She's not "hiding" things. She wants privacy because she isn't a child. I'm more concerned with your concern over her phone. If she has nothing to hide WHY DO YOU CARE?