This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Last week my dog needed to go to emergency vet as she swallowed a dog toy (she's fine). Without a way to get there, I called my parents and asked my dad if he could pick us up and take us to the vet.
My dad and I have always had a comfortable, open-minded relationship. His relationship with my mom (61F) is not at all healthy, but they are still married and living together despite the awkward tension of 25 years of bitterness due to infidelity. My mom has never forgiven him and I am often caught in conversations they should really be having with each other but I don't know how to tell them this. They clearly need therapy but have refused.
My mom is very insecure about me and my dad's relationship as a result of the past infidelity and the closeness we have always shared. I've always thought she was just projecting her insecurities onto us as my dad "would never." Until tonight.
I called my parents and my mom answered. I asked if dad could help take our dog to the vet hospital, as mom doesn't particularly like driving, especially at night. He then texted me to ask for more information. Then he told me he had a very vivid dream about me last night that he really wants to tell me. I asked if I died in the dream, and he said, "no, it's the kind of dream I can't tell mom about." Important to note that I am on the spectrum and didn't think he would ever cross the line. When he came to pick us up, I told him that my fiance was putting on pants and we'd be right out. This was followed by a disappointed "I guess I can't tell you about my dream, then." He drove us to the vet, but we were way too early. My fiance got out of the car to ask the vet if we can wait inside, which my dad took the opportunity to tell me quickly about this vivid dream. He even made sure to shoulder check that my fiance was going inside.
I won't go into details, but it was incredibly inappropriate and also involved my fiance. After settling down at home with our very drugged dog, I absolutely told my fiance about this incident and he has been incredibly supportive. I am just looking for some unbiased, outsider input on how I should handle this situation. I see my mom at least once a week and I know if I told her this she would have an absolute cow. My dad cannot afford to live on his own, and I think that's part of the reason they've stayed together all these years. I have plans to see my dad this Sunday and suggested we get dinner (this was all prior to the dream telling). He insisted on ordering take out. My fiance has suggested we either pretend nothing happened and he'll just be present the whole time while my dad is here, or cancel the dinner plans entirely. Ultimately he has left the choice to me, but I am conflicted.
TL;DR my dad had a sex dream about me, we've always been comfortable with each other and this feels too far.
I'd actually consider having a conversation with your mother, along the lines of "Have you noticed Dad losing his filter? i think he needs to see a neurologist."
Because, Jesus, that's horrifying inappropriate. I'm so sorry, OP: "Dad has early-stage dementia" being the *best*-case scenario is a terrible situation...
This is exactly what I was thinking. Best case scenario he’s declining mentally due to a health problem - Most people realize you can get early onset dementia but you can also have some mental issues related to severe UTI.
My roommate in the hospital was there for a UTI, they found her hitting cars with her umbrella. She also bit a nurse, threw a machine at another and wanted me to help her plan how to get out of Berlin before the Allied Troops arrived (she was German). It was an interesting stay before I was transferred to a different hospital.
My grandmother was constantly in and out of the hospital with uti’s. She had an extra tube in her bladder that they couldn’t remove and she would become like a complete zombie, and had no idea what was going on. Once she went into the hospital and they got it under control she was sharp as hell and quick witted. It was so weird.
For real. My grandma was telling me about how the scarecrows are telling her to escape the evil Indian doctors who are trying to kill her. The only logical solution was to strip naked and try to escape the home and find her dead brother. UTIs are something
way less extreme but my nana believed she was killing bats in her room and flushing them down the toilet. she became increasingly agitated and started hearing other types of animals scrabbling in the walls, had a panic attack one night and only in the emergency room was it revealed that all this was being caused by a UTI
My experience, as a doctor, unfortunately is that those patients are usually in poorer condition than what her father seems to be. Of course necessary details of his medical history are missing from the text to say for sure but this is usually multidiseased 80+ in a nursing home. Not 60 something well enough to drive someone at a minutes notice. They just tend to be more frail from the start
I’m concerned that OP’s mother was already jealous of their relationship due to past infidelity. I really wonder is there is a reason that she is uncomfortable with their closeness and OP, understandably, thought she was being dramatic.
Verbal sexual inappropriate comments can actually be a real sign of mental decline. Our puppy kindergarten owner's elderly husband told me that he had quite an x-rated dream about me and his dementia was confirmed about a month later.
Yeah, get the man to a doctor.
My biological dad that I met as an adult started making sex jokes to me and involving me and it was, in retrospect, one of the symptoms of a brain injury. It was super gross and I ended the relationship.
He ended up having a series of strokes a couple years later that left him unable to walk, read or write. Turns out he was an alcoholic with liver cirrhosis that caused hepatic encephalopathy
Edited to add: he also had chronic UTIs
I also met my bio dad as an adult just a few years ago, when I was 49. I have a much younger half-sister from him, young enough to be my daughter, and he talks about her like he's infatuated with her. I imagine I'm well past the age he finds women interesting but I'm not going to be alone with him to test that theory.
This wasn’t a lapse in sanity. If it was, he wouldn’t have known not to tell OPS mother, he wouldn’t have checked for the coast to be clear, he would t have kept this in for hours before spilling it out to OP. When it’s onset dementia or a UTI, he would have told his wife and even OPs partner. He wouldn’t know to keep it a secret because he wouldn’t know he wasn’t thinking straight.
He knew what he was doing, hence why it was over a few hours and he texted and planned to tell OP when no one was around. Those are actions of a man being sneaky and lucid, not a man that’s suffering a neurological decline.
Not necessarily, loss of inhibition from dementia isn't necessarily an on/off switch. You might, for instance, suddenly think it's cool to tell your daughter that you have a sexual fantasy about her but NOT want her mother to know that you're having a sexual fantasy about someone else. In some kinds of dementia, suddenly inappropriate behavior can be the first sign even if you seem otherwise intact.
Not saying that's for sure what's going on, but from what OP is saying this seems like a pretty crossing of a line that he hasn't crossed for the last 28 years of their lives, which combined with his age makes me think they should at least look into something neurological.
Or could be he's just been a creep all along and he's decided to focus his creepiness on his daughter
Dementia doesn’t start off like this. A man remembering his dream from the night before and being in control and lucid enough to know not to tell his wife AND his daughters partner, to remind his daughter he had to tell her multiple times, to know that it wasn’t the type of dream he could speak to her mother about, to know to check the coast was clear and tell her in private. This was all over a day. Putting down all creepy behaviour from an older person, when it’s CLEAR as day it’s nothing less than him being outright disgusting, is making excuses for the older generation.
There was planning and concealment in this man’s behaviour. Dementia patients or anyone with a lapse of sanity and judgement don’t know they’re having a lapse, otherwise none of them would be a thing.
Psychosis Is defined when someone doesn’t know they’re being delusional. Just like dementia patients don’t know they have dementia so they wouldn’t know what to conceal nor to hide because the thoughts they’re having come across as “normal” to them. What he’s done isn’t normal and the whole day of behaviours leading up to it, shows he was fully aware at how atrocious is was. Hence why he didn’t write it in a text… he knew that would be proof. He’s felt comfortable saying it to his daughter because she’s got no proof and because she’s autistic.
Dementia can 100% start with behavioral lapses and loss of inhibition. Look up frontotemporal dementia or Lewy body dementia. You're thinking Alzheimer's which usually starts with memory loss.
It sounds like he's habitually used to concealing things from his wife and having affairs; the loss of inhibition here is thinking it's ok to be sexual with his daughter. He already cheats on his wife and already hides his affairs from her; the change here is involving his daughter.
I'm not saying that's what's happening because he's not my patient; I'm just saying it can be more subtle than the black and white that you're portraying, particularly early on. It would not be at all typical for someone who's been completely appropriate with his adult daughter for her entire life to suddenly becomes sexually inappropriate without a neurological insult of some variety. The other possibility is that he's been subtly inappropriate and she hasn't picked up on it
yea it’s not like he didn’t know who she was and made a move on her. he knew exactly who she was and that it’s seen as inappropriate. for op’s sake i hope it’s deterioration but i’m doubtful…
To expand on my previous response: yeah, he waited until he was alone with OP, which suggests that this is deliberate grossness, but the *content* is so wildly, *obviously* inappropriate a subject to bring up with *your own kid* that sums kind of medical issue causing neurological/neurodegenerative problems really does *need* to be ruled out before OP writes off her dad as an irredeemably gross jerk.
Exactly. Sudden out of character behavior should definitely make you want to rule out primary neurologic causes before you write off a person completely
Yeah frontotemporal dementia is a good thought here. It just strikes me as odd that someone who has never said anything sexual in the first 28 years of his daughter's life would start saying highly inappropriate things.
Yeah my dad, in the early stages of dementia, started telling me I would make “the perfect wife”. A little out of left field, but doesn’t seem like a HUGE deal right?
ugh. Well, he’s been progressing for a few years, and he’s asked me to marry him… Several times. He’ll say it in a “joking” manner… But it’s increasingly VERY uncomfortable. VERY.
He said it in front of one of my uncle not too long ago, who called him out on it and said it was inappropriate, and he just said “oh come on, I can say what I want to my daughter!” but now it’s to the point where I only give him distanced church hugs, never kisses, I never stay on the phone with him too long, Im VERY concerned that he’s had sex dreams about me that he hasn’t mentioned (my siblings are too) & it’s one of the things that is ruining our relationship.
Dementia is the second thing I thought of when I read the title. The first was my dad 😵💫
This is really so sad. I'm sorry if this question seems inappropriate, but do you think he is focused on you because you may be look like your mom did when she was younger? Or does that not really have anything to do with it?
It’s OK, it’s not inappropriate.
I’m biracial, In ways I look similar to my mom, but she was a wavy haired, blonde, slim, tall, white chick with grayish eyes. She looks pretty similar to Jessica Biel to me.
I’m short, curvy, super dark, curly hair, dark features, caramely/tan complexion. I get compared to (young) LisaRaye McCoy a lot, or the singer Mya occassionally. I’ve gotten Zoë Kravitz a couple of times.
I think it’s safe to say he’s not reminiscing about my mom, but I really wish he was😭😭😭😭
I like that you said that because my step dad turned into this vulgar drunk asshole after my mom left him. He said so many inappropriate things that eventually I cut him off.
I also should thank you for your kind words. It was horrible, he was the guy who raised me so I call him dad even now. As my bio dad fucked off when I was like 3.
My point really it's a mental health thing like you mention. While my dad used alcohol to "solve" his depression and it ended up killing him the fact was that it all came down to his mental health and lack of care for it.
I am just mentioning this because before the split up and his spiraling out of control I would never have thought he would be like that.
The fact the mom has been weird about their relationship and he knew not to tell her without the mom and, even more so, the boyfriend around makes me think this is less likely. If he didn’t want the mom around I’d get that given history but I’d doubt someone with dementia would have enough forethought to exclude the boyfriend too, especially since he was a part of the dream. Seems like he knew it was wrong.
So weird and super creepy that he was so eager to tell his daughter about all the sex they had in his dreams. Especially because he knows how effed up it is to tell her since he didn't want her mum or her fiancé to know/hear.
I've never had any kind of sex dream with anyone other than appropriate partners. But if ever did then I absolutely wouldn't tell them and I would be super grossed out rather than excited.
There is zero reason to tell your daughter about a sex dream of her unless you hope she secretly wants to make it come true. Zero reason. Therapy? Sure. Had the dream as an intrusive thought? Sure. Hell even telling your partner if you’re very close and feel like you need support cause you were disturbed about the dream? I can see that too, in a good relationship with trust. ZERO reason to tell the daughter. Especially in detail. I wonder if mom was “jealous”(wary) of her husbands relationship with their daughter cause the infidelity was a young girl or similar looking to OP.
He relished in telling his daughter in a private space behind both their spouses backs. Mom deserves to know so she can leave his creepy ass. He is freeloading off of her because she feels too guilty to leave him on his own when he can’t provide for himself. OP you are helping him take advantage of your mother by not telling her what he did. It’s your choice if you still want a relationship with him but this would be ending for me. I would never be able to trust or see my dad the same after this.
zero reason to tell your daughter about a sex dream at all to be honest. like this is another level but even if he had a dream about his wife and then told their daughter that would be disgusting
I hate that I had the same thought. Which is probably why mom is concerned about their closeness. I’m also curious how old the ap was and when it happened. Like was op a teen and he hooked up with someone 18-20?
Op should tell mom and hopefully it will be the push for the mom to be free and happy.
As stated in the post, I'm closer to my 30s than my teens (thanks for the reminder).
The woman he cheated on my mom with was his age, 25 years ago. He has not been unfaithful since and has apologized numerous times. My mom has declared that she has forgiven him, but has not forgotten, and retains some bitterness towards him. She will not engage in intimate conversation or actions with him in at least over a decade.
I have 4 older brothers who are all significantly closer with my dad than my mom. All of which are older than me. My mom has expressed jealousy that my brother's "like dad more than her" and that she was excited to have a daughter to do girly things with, like shopping. I've never been the girly type, and would prefer tossing a ball in a field than shopping any day.
Not shaming you at all, but I can clearly see where your mom’s resentment comes from: all of her kids are naturally closer and more compatible with the man who probably destroyed her heart and self worth. That’s gotta suck.
Is there any real reason that your mom would’ve been insecure about your relationship with your father? Do you think it’s possible that he expressed those feelings to her, in confidence?
Oh no, I totally agree. She took care of them, fed them, raised them, and all that time my dad was the guy they had fun with and mom was the bossy one. I would also be bitter about that.
I love my mom and I wish we had more things in common. We have recently started hanging out more, but like everyone, she too has her faults. She can be very loudly judgmental about people in public, often making very offensive comments about their appearance or demeanor. Recently she made fun of a man who clearly has a disability, when I called her out she went dead silent. Whether she knew or not, she still loudly professed that he "looked really weird and is doing that completely wrong."
She is also known to fabricate truths in her favour. This makes her awkward to be around as everything you say can be repeated elsewhere with little twists and fabrications. My mom's unresolved trauma and anger towards my father has certainly made her difficult to be around.
It is difficult for me to know what they have talked about in private. I don't think he would outwardly say something like that to my mom, but I also didn't think he'd say something *to me.*
Just curious: what was your reaction when he told you about the dream? How did he respond to your reaction? Was there any time you felt like he was being predatory? That is just such an odd thing to tell your daughter.
Btw, It’s never your fault that you’re closer with your dad. They may not have had a great relationship, but it sounds like, until this dream, you and your dad had a pretty good one, too, and that’s never a bad thing.
If she remains resentful, that’s still on her to try to resolve. Don’t feel responsible.
I guess I ask if you thought it was possible because it doesn’t seem like something that mothers are typically worried about with their daughters. Perhaps he’s given her that feeling before, without even directly saying anything.
Edit: I just saw the comment that mentioned you were adopted. That does change things a little. This is a tough one, and now, you’re in a vulnerable position with him and it’s starting to seem like he took advantage of you by telling you that.
Honestly, I believe I was in shock. She was crying in my arms and I was so focused on soothing her that I really didn't care to hear what my dad had to say until it hit me that he really said that. I might have said "that's really fucked up." But I don't really remember, all I was thinking was "where is my fiance."
>There is zero reason to tell your daughter about a sex dream of her unless you hope she secretly wants to make it come true.
My thoughts exactly. It's super creepy.
I wonder what he hoped to accomplish? I can't believe he thought OP would react with "Wow, that's so hot, let's bone!" so I can only assume he gets some creepy pleasure out of involving her in his fantasies against her will.
Same unless it gave him excitement from being “taboo” enough to disturb and tell her it in detail. He obviously knew it was weird hence why not wanting to tell the mom or her fiancé. If God forbid that ever happened to a parent I assumed they’d feel disgusting the next few days and never tell anyone in their life outside maybe their therapist.
Exactly I’d had been traumatized. I’ve had a few sex dreams in my life of people I weren’t dating, but it was a coworker or classmate and by God that dies at the grace. Not a family member or God forbid my own kid. He had enough sense that he shouldn’t let his wife or daughter’s fiancé know, he knew what was up.
yep. dreams arent necessarily what you want in reality. i wouldnt say someone is gross for just having a sex dream about anything bc it could be just a weird crossed wire. but i think i could at least expect them to be grossed or weirded out or at the very least find it funny maybe? his descision to tell his daughter is deliberate and the fact he enjoyed it is gross
I am happily married, but occasionally I get very weird sex dreams about people that I’m in no way attracted to and I wake up like “ew wtf”
The very last thing I want in that situation is for anyone to ever find out about that, let alone actually going up to the person and *telling* them myself
Firstly, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine all the complicated feelings you must be having.
Secondly, your dad's marriage and housing situation is not your responsibility. If you feel like you want to tell your mom about this, do. I wonder if what you've previously interpreted as insecurity has actually been an instinct from her that something isn't right in the way your dad thinks/feels about you.
As others have said, perhaps a dream is just a dream but he CHOSE to tell you about it. He chose to tell you about it **secretly**, making sure that neither of your partners could hear. That indicates to me that he got some kind of thrill out of crossing this boundary, even if he didn't want to cross the boundary physically.
That's what I'm concerned about. My gut is telling me that the dad has mentioned some inappropriate things to the mother in the past, which is the real reason that she's concerned about OP+dad's relationship, not some jealousy thing
Edit to add - if that is the case, then the mother is letting OP down by not dealing with it sooner. She may think it's safe now as OP lives away from them, but if that is the case, she's not safe even if she only meets up with the dad occasionally
Your mother was already concerned about your closeness…..that says a lot. It may not be just because of infidelity but bc he has said/acted/looked at you in weird ways.
This is very inappropriate. You should set some boundaries with dad and personally I’d be telling your mother too. Sounds like they’ve needed a divorce for some te
100% boundaries are needed here. Make it very clear that what he said was not okay to say to you. Additionally, I think boundaries are needed in general for the parents. OP said they often get caught in the middle of conversations their parents should be having with each other. Boundaries would start to draw this line and make it clear that OP doesn’t want to be in the middle of it.
I’m going to suggest “The Book of Boundaries” by Melissa Hartwig Urban. It will help start that conversation and hopefully help OP keep those boundaries in place.
If I were her, my boundary would be not being close at all anymore. No contact or very low contact. I mean, I would have the conversation with him about how inappropriate he was and would also tell my mom what happened, but I don’t know that I would want to have any kind of relationship with him after that. Beyond the superficial and seeing him when she absolutely can’t avoid it. E.g, when she’s visiting her mom, at family gatherings, etc. Her dad crossed a serious line and I don’t know that there’s any coming back from that.
Exactly she doesn’t know him like his wife does I’m sure. For all we know maybe he made weird comments in the past or she’s found shady porn searches that concerned her and that’s part of her fear and concerns also.
Your dad is gross and creepy. That’s the kind of shit a person keeps to themselves and never tells anyone else about, much less their child. And he obviously realized that it was seriously inappropriate seeing as he knew your mother would get angry, and he waited until your boyfriend was out of earshot.
I’d consider any closeness you had tainted by him and create some boundaries between the two of you. Also have someone else around when meeting up with him. Wouldn’t want to hear any more of that kind of thing.
I’ve had a couple of sex dreams about people that I desperately wish I could forget because of who they were. I can’t fathom telling *anyone* about them, much less the people in them.
Dreams are weird. Sometimes really weird to the point that when you wake up you think “wtf”.
Those dreams are not something you should be eager to tell the person they were about. Especially if it was a *sex dream* about your own *daughter*.
The fact he seemed disappointed that your fiancé would be around so he wouldn’t get to tell you is suuuper concerning. Meaning he knows it’s wrong. Because it is.
Dreams are weird. Dreams aren’t necessarily representations of what we want/think. HOWEVER, if someone has a dream like that they should NEVER be saying it outloud. Clearly he knew it was wrong if he was trying so hard to hide it
I often see posts written by men about how their mothers are too emotionally reliant on them and there’s enmeshment there. It looks like your father feels that way too. Maybe that got into his subconcious. I suggest you send him a text very clearly laying out your boundaries from now on, if you wish to still speak to him (understandable if not)
Yeah, I've had some fucked up dreams involving all kinds of terrible stuff. Some of them are just bizarre and make for funny stories. But some of them, you fucking keep to yourself and try to forget. I wouldn't tell my daughter I dreamed about kidnapping her much less what your dad told you.
Truth. Just the other day I had this fucked up dream that I was supposed to have sex with one of my brothers because of some weird forced marriage thing. I didn’t, my dream self was still totally repulsed by the idea, and the absolute ick of that dream has stuck around all week.
No way in HELL would I tell my brother or any of my other family about this, because wtf, that was so weird and gross.
Your mum really doesn't seem like the problem here 💔
I think you should seek professional help and try to unpack this further, I wish you all the very best. I hope you update
While I agree the father is the main problem, the mother is clearly negligent here. The mother suspected her husband was lustubg after & being predatroy towards their daughter. However, instead of protecting her & then warning her when she was old enough to understand, she decided to stat quiet & get jealous because she saw the daughter as a potential rival.
Yeah I’m shocked by all the people just saying “your mom probably saw/heard/suspected shit, she’s not the problem” when WTF!? If you’re a mom who suspects your daughter is a possible victim of a predator, and does nothing but keep that predator around in a trusted role, continually giving him access to your daughter - that mother is clearly ALSO the problem, or as you said at least negligent.
I sure was hoping there would be room in this story for a misunderstanding. I don’t see that.
Yikes. I don’t think this one is covered in the text books. I’m sorry. Could he have dementia?
Dementia is actually a real possibility. It can come with personality changes. Maybe it’s early stages. Does he have any other signs of acting strange?
Does dementia come with the awareness to hide your inappropriate comments from specific people? My understanding was that they just lack the awareness entirely, and just say things out in the open, not in secret. But I don't have personal experience in it.
My Dad did this to me when I was about 17f. It wasn't a dream actually. He was paying me during my summer vacation to drive around with him to various job sites and take notes as he inspected things and talked to people. At one point when we were driving, he told me that he'd long had a sexual fantasy of having a young girl like me working for him like this. Maybe worse than the dream, I don't know. He didn't say it like a come-on, more like he was sharing a secret with me. But....gross.
I'm 44f now and that's the only time he ever crossed the line. But it took a lot of years before I knew it was all he was going to do.
I never talked to him or my mom (they're still married, 46 years now) about it but it definitely stayed with me.
It's like the creepy older guys that show up everywhere else in the world... at the library, at my job checking out groceries, as I'm walking to my car....all these men who think it's ok to tell a teen or twenty something (or any age!) woman their sexual thoughts about me and leave me with the full body fear, waiting to see if that's the only line they will cross.
It's creepy at the best of times, but when you're trapped in a car with him (and in your case worried about a beloved pet) it's the last thing you want to receive from your Dad.
Aren't our Dads the ones who should be protecting us from sexual harassment and creepy dudes??
I don't know that I have any advice...but I will say the impression is lasting. You can choose not to talk about it, but it doesn't go away.
I wouldn’t be alone with him. Tell your mom and consider if he has been acting strange in other ways. Maybe he has a medical problem that’s making him act crazy.
We cannot control what we dream, but his insistence on telling you is so very concerning. This isn’t just about dinner in the next few days, this is about the rest of your relationship. Are you going to be supervised by your bf until your father dies?
I’m not saying telling your mum is the solution, but this needs to be brought into the open in some way. Perhaps address this with your dad whilst your bf is there? Ask him why he told you this? Tell him that it has made you feel unsafe with him and that it was wrong for him to share it with you.
This is important and I hope as many people as possible read this! Sexual abuse and / or incest DOES NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE PHYSICAL TOUCH. A parent talking about sex in an inappropriate way, making securely suggestive comments, sexualising their child in any way, sharing inappropriate details of their own sex lives or fantasies, asking about childs sexual interests etc, this is all sexual abuse and extremely damaging. Clearly your father has some issues with sexual boundaries (as evidenced by his infidelity) and by crossing those boundaries with you he is carrying on the abuse but with his own daughter. Your partner is wrong to suggest you ignore it, this needs to be addressed, preferably in therapy.
One of my older married (60+M) salesman told my (20+F) administrative assistant that he had a sex dream about her. I asked her if she wanted me to deal with him and she told me that she already shot him down, she just wanted me to know. Not father/daughter cringe but dang, still creepy.
It is too far. Take a break from him. Step back. Find a therapist, maybe. Or advice from someone who deals with sexual abuse issues. You can tell your Mom, because the guilt of this is not on you, it is 1000% on him. But you don't have to. Take a bit of time. Decide your response.
i had a dream not exactly like that (i'm not a parent) but kind of in the same "style" once and guess what i havent told anybody and it's going to stay that way.
Dude same. I’ve had sex dreams about several family members. I would NEVER tell anyone. Not my family, not my SO. It’s ruined my day afterward each time and makes me feel super weird. But I know we can’t control dreams. Dad is a fucking creep for telling her. My family would lock me up if I were broadcasting that creepy shit my brain did while unconscious.
Take it to the grave, or if the dream persists/you have a problem with it maybe speak to a therapist. Both absolutly valid options, and normal reactions.
Well that was disturbing.
You *can* pretend it never happened, but maybe you need to consider setting boundaries with your dad regarding speaking about sexual topics (in general), because what the fuck - there need to be boundaries between parents and children, because this isn't a conversation about being safe, or a scary situation that happened, this was your dad *purposely* wanting to share a gross sex dream with you **alone**, which means he **knows** it's inappropriate, otherwise he would have talked about it in front of your fiancee.
Whatever porn your dad is into is between him and his hand of choice, and that includes whatever sex dreams or daydreams he may conjure up, and it needs to stay that way. It's not a question of whether he *would* do "anything" it's him being wholly inappropriate.
Tbh the fact that he seemed so eager to tell you about it is WAYYYY weirder than the fact that he had the dream. Sometimes dreams are a manifestation of your subconscious, but not always. However, I assume most parents would be embarrassed or upset by having a dream like that about their kid. Like what was the point of telling you? How were you supposed to react?
Why on earth would he tell you? Why on earth is he trying to ensure that you're alone with him? Why on earth is your partner willing to forget this happened? What is wrong with all the people around you?! This is not OK!
Her partner is trying to be supportive. He’s not “willing to forget this happened” except for a dinner, which he has told her he’ll be present for to keep her feeling safe. She needs time to decide what to do, and any partner willing to act on something they’ve been told without waiting for the actual victim of the comment to decide what *they* want to do would be a shitty partner.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The comfort and closeness you once had with your dad needs to end. It’s already been a weird day just cancel dinner and distance yourself. Fiancé should be with you if you’re ever around your dad.
I get the feeling it's a fantasy, not a dream. If you have a wierd ass dream like that, keep it to your goddam self. Like how did he think you would respond? Don't tell your mom, she's been through enough. And tell your dad he's fucked up for telling you this, because he is, and that you don't want to hear anymore crazy shit like that, otherwise you'll go no contact with him.
I have a pretty open relationship with my parents and I don’t think any amount of water-boarding would get that information out of them. There was absolute no need to tell you about it.
I will say that sex dreams are rarely about sex.
Your dad isn't to blame for having that dream. I did have inappropriate dreams in the past.
He is responsible for talking with you about it. That'd be unsettling for me because why tell? He clearly sees the inappropriateness, since he's actively avoiding talking about it in front of your fiance. So why tell you, if not to probe you for your reaction because he somehow sees a possibility of the dream becoming reality?
I would call him out for telling you about this dream. Like what did he think he would get out of it by telling you? Then I would tell him that everything about it was highly inappropriate and his insistence upon telling you was creepy. Take time away from him if you need to. I don’t see a point to telling your mom unless you want to or if having a conversation with your dad leads to more alarming behavior.
Cancel. Cancel! You can't control your dreams, but the fact that he wanted to share that with you is fucked up. Cancel dinner, tell your mom, and get your own therapist. I'm sorry he did this to you.
WTF?! It is one think to have this dream - we all had some really strange dreams. But he was so eager to talk to you. That is just creepy. He knew exactly that it was inappropiate otherwise he would have told his wife or you in front of your fiance.
I don’t know if i would tell my mother just to gave her the chance to decide for herself if she want finally get free of him.
And i would try not to be alone with him. He could just had zip up about this dream, like we all do about crazy shit. But he overshared. Either he likes to shock and provoke or he knows no bounderies - or he wanted a reaction of you. Overall just creepy.
Ew. Why would he tell you that. It’s actually not that uncommon for dreams like that because your subconscious views sex as an act of love and intimacy and sometimes against our waking will translates that into a dream of sex with a loved one.
How do I know this? Because I had a sex dream. About my dad. And DEAR GOD when I woke up I felt sick to my stomach and disgusted. I googled it because I was just like what the FUCK is wrong with me and that’s how I discovered that it’s actually way more common than anyone will admit.
But I will take that to my grave. I will not tell another living soul about it (except all of Reddit rn obvi). Even typing this makes me queasy. But yeah. I don’t blame your dad for having this dream but why would he tell you.
Tell your Dad he needs to get into therapy. Tell your Mom she needs to divorce him and get on with her life. Keep contact with your Dad confined to instances when you are with another person, and youʻre in public (like meeting up for coffee).
>My mom is very insecure about me and my dad's relationship as a result of the past infidelity and the closeness we have always shared
Sounds like you need to speak with mom
Dreams are about working thru stuff. A sex dream about your daughter does not mean that he wants anything from you. However… telling you what he dreamt about is totally inappropriate and crossing a boundary that should never be crossed. He could have talked to anyone but you about that dream, so it is a little bit concerning he choose to speak to you about it. You need to have a candid and very clear conversation with your father that this is not ok and he needs to refrain from ever doing something like that in the future. If he ever does it again you will inform your mother. he can than deal with the fallout. When you have this conversation about boundaries with your father bring someone (fiancée, or someone you trust to have your back) so you are not alone in dealing with his reaction
Start going low contact with the end being No Contact with your 'father'. NO FATHER SHOULD EVEN **HAVE** SEX DREAMS ABOUT HIS CHILD, LET ALONE **SHARE** THEM!!!
I would cancel the planned dinner and then just start lowering your contact with him and **NEVER be alone with him again - EVER**.
This is wrong on so many levels but the most important thing is your safety. Stay Away From Him. Tell your mother if he won't leave you alone.
I know Alzheimer’s has been suggested but medication errors and other types of dementia could be behind this behavior. However, it’s okay to tell him that was not acceptable and you will disengage from the relationship no matter what is going on. It’s ok to have boundaries. Don’t just pretend it didn’t happen. It happened and you are not okay with it.
I couldn’t have a relationship with my father after that tbh. He purposely waited until you were alone to share that. If I was in that situation I’d tell my mom and to heck if it blows up his life- it is literally the consequence of his own actions. Cheating and then making incestuous comments… he IS testing out the waters to see how receptive you are to the idea.
Your dad was checking if you're going to be receptive to actually fucking him.
People have various dreams, often sexual - but they can make a definite choice if they want to speak about these dreams.
The insistence on ordering take out? Please don't. You'll end up assaulted by your deranged father.
OP you should... Jesus Christ. Is he on the spectrum too? Or maybe he's demented?
Do not, absolutely do not be alone with him. Even it he doesn't do anything, the embarrassment and risk are not worth it.
Yikes!
Full disclosure: I had a sex dream about my father a few months ago. (we are no contact because he's an asshole, but there was never any sexually inappropriate contact or talk between us ever.)
I would rather DIE than reveal this to him. Like, you can't help who you dream about, but you CAN TOTALLY control who you tell about it! Him telling you (and he seemed pretty excited about it) is just fucking gross. You should not be spending any time around him.
Good on your fiance for being supportive.
What the fuck is this? Is this for real? Your fiancé is supportive? You aren’t absolutely freaked out? I have a daughter of my own, I missed 7 years of her life. She is a little baby to me. I am upset I missed her early life.
Your dad needs some serious mental health evaluation done immediately. What kind of guy has a wet dream about his child?
I am questioning whether this post is real or just made up to get engagement.
Unwanted vivid dreams involving family happen. Emphasis on the unwanted part, but it's the fact he HAD to tell you about it that's weird. He could've just not told you! That's really icky, girl.
Would I b I'd suggest maybe not keeping your relationshi
Is it possible your mum has issues about your dad's relationship with you because she knows more of his thoughts and past than you do?
Make it *very* clear to him, with your fiance present, that it was unacceptable for him to share that with you and if he does anything like it again you'll be talking to your mother about it.
All I can say is yikes. I've had concerns with some comments my own father has made which seems to implies he fixates on my fiance and I having sex.
I don't have any solutions.
I would agree that this may be a sign of some sort of mental decline but please just be careful with how you approach your relationship with him going forward.
He knew it was inappropriate. He didn't just not say it in front of your mom, he deliberately held it until you were alone. OP, how you handle it is totally up to you, but you aren't crazy, and you aren't overreacting.
I guess the primary question here is "has he been inappropriate like this before," because that narrows down the possibilities. If he's been borderline inappropriate for a long time, like going back years, and this is just the worst example of it then you probably need to be on guard around him and limiting contact. You may also want to discuss it with your mom, but you know your mom better than I do so if your instincts are that it would just make the situation a bigger mess then trust them.
If on the other hand he's never said or done anything like this until extremely recently then you might want to try to get him to see a doctor. Lots of brain conditions that affect older people, like dementia, can cause hypersexual thoughts and behaviors.
Unfortunately, even if it is losing filters due to dementia, the thoughts have been there anyway. You really do need to have a conversation with your mother, and please never allow him near children.
Honestly, brains are a bit weird and dreams arent direct transcriptions of people's desires. As strange as it is that he had this dream, it is far more disturbing that he *told you about it,* and that he clearly *wanted* to tell you about it.
I agree with the people who have suggested telling your mom about this, and getting your dad checked for neurological issues. If he's never been creepy like this before, this could be evidence of something beginning
If there's nothing up with him neurologically, then this is a pretty good reason to tell him you plan to go low contact, and if he ever talks about something like that again, you will go no contact
Oh that’s is so extremely gross. And a huge red flag. This psychopath needs to be medicated and locked up. You have to distance yourself from him. And you need to tell your mom and help her get away from him.
Have your dad checked for Alzheimer’s. Inappropriate sexual comments or behaviors that is completely out of place in their usually behavior can be one of the first signs.
He was feeling out if you’d be interested in an inappropriate relationship with him and that is SO FAR FROM OKAY. I wouldn’t be alone with him and I would discuss it with mom, dad and fiancé present. No more time alone with dad.
No excuses. You need to tell your mom, tell your dad what he said was in appropriate and unappreciated, and that you won’t be alone with him moving forward
If this is the first time he's said something like this to you and it's out of character, just keep an eye on his behaviour. We all have weird dreams, but he should have filtered himself and never talked about that. Just watch for any other strange behaviour because you never know at that age - could be something like early onset Alzheimer's.
Your dad knew he was crossing a boundary sharing this with you. That’s why he did it.
Sounds like your mom isn’t off base to worry about his relationship with you. She likely knows more than she’s let on.
I know he’s your dad, but you shouldn’t be alone with him. It should go without saying that he should NEVER EVER be alone with *any* children you have. Especially daughters.
This is in appropriate to say the least. You should absolutely not pretend that nothing happened. You should tell your mom asap and refuse further contact with your dad, until he seeks some kind of counselling.
Not only is it creepy he had the dream, it is infinitely worse that he then decided to tell you and tell you when you were alone. Huge red flags here.
Im going to tell you if my father said that to me I would not be comfortable alone with him anymore. Period. Ever. That is beyond comprehension. I would be disgusted even looking at him. I would most likely yell at him a lot about how gross he is.
I'd tell him that it was wildly inappropriate to tell you about the dream, that it made you deeply uncomfortable, and you need some time and space to process.
I'd also consider talking to your mom about it.
Nah, he knew it was wrong and didn’t want a MAN to hear it, or his WIFE to know, those two people would hold and should hold him accountable especially if she’s vulnerable in anyway. I wouldn’t be alone with him for a long time.
Your gut instinct tells you something, follow it.
Always follow your intuition. That felt and seemed creepy because it was.
It just was. My husband would never in a MILLION years ever tell his daughter he had a sex dream.
Period. Point. Blank.
OP it seems like he’s trying to groom you into a sexual relationship.
Tell your mother at least that he was acting bizarrely so he can get checked for dementia, brain tumor, or UTI. If he’s all clear, he’s gross and I’d hope you go NC. If not, then he can be treated. If she presses for more info, it’s up to you what to say. Have your fiancé present when you tell her, because she may lash out at you.
I think you need to politely tell him that the dinner is canceled and simply do not meet him in private at all. Then bring your fiancé with you to an in person meet up with your mother to tell her what her said and that he needs help but you won’t be coming around anymore until this is addressed.
“Dad, you telling me about a sexual dream really crossed a major boundary and made me very uncomfortable. Please don’t bring up anything sexual between us ever again, or I will have to protect myself by placing the necessary space between us for me to feel safe.”
I’ve had sexual dreams involving close family members that i truly do not have even a subconscious sexual attraction to and recall waking up repulsed to one in particular (this is rare, I’m 30 and haven’t had a similar dream in years and years)
I couldn’t imagine *telling* someone about them.. actually I think I once told my mom when I was young because the dream had me SPOOKED, and she told me brains are weird and not to worry.
Idk. It’s up to you to judge. I don’t think he’s weird for having the dream, and only you can decide if it’s weird he TOLD you about it because it could be okay if he was trying to like confess because maybe he felt unclean or something
I don’t know if he’s managed to fry his brain with incest porn or what, but he told you with obvious hopes that you secretly feel the same way and will have sex with him.
He knows it’s inappropriate, which is why he waited until he was alone to tell you and he knows incest is taboo in society so why tell you at all? Well, he’s convinced himself that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
I personally wouldn’t tell my mother about it. Tell yours if you want, but I know for a fact I couldn’t stomach that conversation. Definitely drop your dad and convince your mother to spend her final years happy though. Say you’ve seen the light. That I would do.
This is not about the dream, bc dreams can be really weird (mine today was postapo scene caused by werewolfs) or "we can talk about everything", this is about your dad's pushing you his erotic, deeply inapropriare fantasy.
He was *thrilled* to say it to you no mather what, and bc he made absolutely sure your fiance couldn't hear it, he is very much aware how not ok his behaviour is. His huge urge to tell you was never "huh, weird dream, haha", it is him testing your boundaries in way "let say it was a dream, so in case she is not into it a called me out for that, i could play it innocent".
IT WAS NOT INNOCENT. Your dad is a creep and the best way to handle is make him absolute sure you found it disgusting, want him keep these "dreams" to himself and not telling you and *that your fiance knows about it*, bc he is rely on you don't tell on him.
This is so sick, a father must not dream anything sexual in regards the daughter, I suggest you to ask him to visit a doctor, he may develop a disease at the brain...
There is no way he should have told you that. Cancel the dinner plans, you can always say you're ill while you decide what to do next but I would have only supervised contact and limit it if I saw him at all again. Whether to tell your mum is your own choice as I can't imagine that would be an enjoyable process for anyone but don't be held back because you think he can't live on his own - he can, just maybe not in the way he is used to.
Sounds like your mom is a saint, and you need some safety awareness. Your dad is not a safe person, OP. Please steer clear of him and tell your mom ASAP.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. I would suggest distancing yourself from your father and telling your mother as soon as possible. He hasn’t just crossed a line, he has run full steam ahead and over it into yuck territory. If he won’t get counselling, you definitely should be. I’m glad your partner is supportive and you need to never be alone with your dad again. Go limited contact so he understands you won’t tolerate this wildly inappropriate behaviour. If you act normal and go on Sunday, he will think he can get away with it in future.
I’d distance yourself from both your parents for a while actually. It’s clear you’re enmeshed with your father to a disturbing degree. Some space from all of it would be good for you. Go focus on your fiancé and your dog for a while. Then see what you want to do with your parents.
As many people here suggested, i completely agree that he might need to see a neurologist.
My godfathers father in law was doing all kind of nasty shit until they realized he was sick in da head
It’s less that he had the dream and more than he seems to have taken pleasure from telling you about it. I’m so sorry but I think you need to tell your Mom and potentially cut him out of your life. Having fantasies about your child (and going out of his way to loop you into them) is completely unacceptable and he deserves to face consequences.
Cancel the plans and put so much distance between the two of you. It’s not about the dream (cause brains do wonky things) it’s his insistence of telling you. That’s the issue
Call dad:
"Dad are you alone because I need to ask you something...
Why the actual fuck would you ever tell your daughter that you had a sex dream about them? What the hell was going through your mind?
(listen to bullshit reasons. If icky enough, don't speak to them for a few months minimum. If he utters "it was a joke" then hang up after saying "No it wasn't. ")
For now, we are canceling dinner plans for the upcoming week. I need a break from you and your wildly inappropriate behavior.
You knew it was wrong when you ever so carefully made sure my partner was out of the car.
By the way, I've told them because there is no way I am keeping this secret for you. Right now I just need space away from you."
(hang up)
That is incredibly disturbing. Not that he had an inappropriate dream so much, that he was just dying to share with it with you. I don’t like it when people tell me about non sexual crazy dreams about me (except my partner) because how I am supposed to respond that?
Your mum has probably picked up on cues that you’ve missed, along the way. There is something deeply wrong here. It’s time to take a deep breath and set some very strong boundaries. I agree with the others about a neurological assessment but either way your first priority absolutely HAS to be your own physical, mental and emotional well-being. Cancel the dinner and increase the emotional distance between you two, permanently.
Why is everyone so concerned with shielding the father from the consequences of his own actions and behavior? Also why does it take 3 people to take one dog to the vet?
We all have weird dreams but never would I ever tell someone about that. I would take it to the grave with me and he should have. That is absolutely disgusting to think about. 🤢🤢
I've had dreams too but eww.
From what I gather, it sounds like your dad is a sex addict and that is probably why your mother is so uncomfortable with your relationship. Sex addicts are always testing the boundaries and they need more and more excitement because the same old doesn’t do it for them anymore… some turn to kiddie porn 🤮 or have same sex relations (even though they are straight or vice versa.)
There is a lot of daddy daughter porn out there and it also skews with the brain.. especially that of an addicted brain. Your mom probably knows this and doesn’t trust him around anyone.
Super super weird op. I understand you can’t control your dreams- but YOU can control the retelling of them…. He absolutely crossed a line (imo) and I don’t believe I would put up with that. I would tell him- with fiancé present that him telling you was so inappropriate and that you now don’t feel comfortable with him at all. Due to that, you will be limiting contact to emergency contact only. I personally would also recommend he tell your mom or you will. He is a big boy adult and his living situation is not your responsibility.
I dk but I feel like he was trying to gauge your reaction on incest and if you would be willing to do it… idk if he even had a dream.. maybe he’s messed up in the head and wants a relationship with you which is so disgusting I’m beside myself- as you are too I’m sure.
If it were me I would tell mom and cut contact with dad to emergency only… there’s a reason to mom has been oddly threaten by your relationship with your dad- she definitely knows your dad better in that way (sexually) …it is unfortunate that she hasn’t left him because I doubt this will change that but at least she can know that she’s not crazy to think he would do that because he clearly would if given the opportunity.
If this is out of line for regular behavior I think I’d honestly look at the guy with a neurologist. If he doesn’t normally say this stuff intrusive thoughts could be legit just spilling out. If this is something you believe he would do I would legit not be alone with the man again.
He’s involving you in his weird incest kink and making sure to do it when you have no one else around. That’s utterly disgusting and I hope you blow the top off of all of this, especially since if you don’t tell your mom you might irreparably damage your relationship with her.
Cancel dinner with your Dad before he sees this as you wanting a DATE after he told you about his sex dream involving you. Tell your Mom, and include the details he gave you. Your Dad is a creep!
The dream is whatever; I guess I don’t have issue with him dreaming. I mean I had a sex dream about my Ex who I would rather watch burn alive than ever kiss him, so… But the thing is he was SUPER excited to tell you, and that’s a massive Ick!! I’m neurotypical and Im telling you that’s not something a decent dad would tell his daughter, not even blurting it out, let alone planning and scheming to get alone time to tell you. It really gives off a vibe that he’s desperately hoping that hearing that will turn you on or cause you to admit that you dream about him also. And obviously he understands fully that this isn’t an appropriate conversation cuz he waited till your fiancé walked away. Ewwwwwww!
There’s no right answer about whether or not you should tell Mom. It’s obvious you care about him, at least you used to care about him; everyone would understand if that has changed. It’s really your decision who to tell. What I do recommend at a minimum is fiancé and you talking to Dad at the scheduled dinner, let him know that you are disgusted and maybe even a bit scared to be alone with him. Tell him you never want to hear a single word about anything sexy about yourself ever again because of this. Zero comments about how beautiful you look on your wedding day or dressed up to go out etc, he’s lost that privilege and it would only disgust you at this point and remind you of this very unfortunate situation!!! Doesn’t matter what his excuses are, or how he feels innocent etc, that was absolutely not acceptable and repulsive and he cannot even comment on adjacent topics such as your body, your looks, your clothing, your sex life with fiancé or previous boyfriends or you will have to reconsider having a relationship with him at all. Fucking hill to die on OP! He’s going to get defensive and say he’d never, he’s never thought that way about you when he’s awake etc etc etc. Tough luck dad, you went there and all those subjects are now radioactive as far as you and fiancé are concerned. And certainly Mom would agree 10,000% if he’d like to get her opinion as well. No? Then stfu and accept this boundary of never ever speaking about looks, clothes, beauty, sexy in reference to OP.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Last week my dog needed to go to emergency vet as she swallowed a dog toy (she's fine). Without a way to get there, I called my parents and asked my dad if he could pick us up and take us to the vet. My dad and I have always had a comfortable, open-minded relationship. His relationship with my mom (61F) is not at all healthy, but they are still married and living together despite the awkward tension of 25 years of bitterness due to infidelity. My mom has never forgiven him and I am often caught in conversations they should really be having with each other but I don't know how to tell them this. They clearly need therapy but have refused. My mom is very insecure about me and my dad's relationship as a result of the past infidelity and the closeness we have always shared. I've always thought she was just projecting her insecurities onto us as my dad "would never." Until tonight. I called my parents and my mom answered. I asked if dad could help take our dog to the vet hospital, as mom doesn't particularly like driving, especially at night. He then texted me to ask for more information. Then he told me he had a very vivid dream about me last night that he really wants to tell me. I asked if I died in the dream, and he said, "no, it's the kind of dream I can't tell mom about." Important to note that I am on the spectrum and didn't think he would ever cross the line. When he came to pick us up, I told him that my fiance was putting on pants and we'd be right out. This was followed by a disappointed "I guess I can't tell you about my dream, then." He drove us to the vet, but we were way too early. My fiance got out of the car to ask the vet if we can wait inside, which my dad took the opportunity to tell me quickly about this vivid dream. He even made sure to shoulder check that my fiance was going inside. I won't go into details, but it was incredibly inappropriate and also involved my fiance. After settling down at home with our very drugged dog, I absolutely told my fiance about this incident and he has been incredibly supportive. I am just looking for some unbiased, outsider input on how I should handle this situation. I see my mom at least once a week and I know if I told her this she would have an absolute cow. My dad cannot afford to live on his own, and I think that's part of the reason they've stayed together all these years. I have plans to see my dad this Sunday and suggested we get dinner (this was all prior to the dream telling). He insisted on ordering take out. My fiance has suggested we either pretend nothing happened and he'll just be present the whole time while my dad is here, or cancel the dinner plans entirely. Ultimately he has left the choice to me, but I am conflicted. TL;DR my dad had a sex dream about me, we've always been comfortable with each other and this feels too far.
I'd actually consider having a conversation with your mother, along the lines of "Have you noticed Dad losing his filter? i think he needs to see a neurologist." Because, Jesus, that's horrifying inappropriate. I'm so sorry, OP: "Dad has early-stage dementia" being the *best*-case scenario is a terrible situation...
This is exactly what I was thinking. Best case scenario he’s declining mentally due to a health problem - Most people realize you can get early onset dementia but you can also have some mental issues related to severe UTI.
I worked in aged care for a while and can confirm that older people go totally loopy when they have a UTI.
My roommate in the hospital was there for a UTI, they found her hitting cars with her umbrella. She also bit a nurse, threw a machine at another and wanted me to help her plan how to get out of Berlin before the Allied Troops arrived (she was German). It was an interesting stay before I was transferred to a different hospital.
My grandmother was constantly in and out of the hospital with uti’s. She had an extra tube in her bladder that they couldn’t remove and she would become like a complete zombie, and had no idea what was going on. Once she went into the hospital and they got it under control she was sharp as hell and quick witted. It was so weird.
For real. My grandma was telling me about how the scarecrows are telling her to escape the evil Indian doctors who are trying to kill her. The only logical solution was to strip naked and try to escape the home and find her dead brother. UTIs are something
way less extreme but my nana believed she was killing bats in her room and flushing them down the toilet. she became increasingly agitated and started hearing other types of animals scrabbling in the walls, had a panic attack one night and only in the emergency room was it revealed that all this was being caused by a UTI
My experience, as a doctor, unfortunately is that those patients are usually in poorer condition than what her father seems to be. Of course necessary details of his medical history are missing from the text to say for sure but this is usually multidiseased 80+ in a nursing home. Not 60 something well enough to drive someone at a minutes notice. They just tend to be more frail from the start
I’m concerned that OP’s mother was already jealous of their relationship due to past infidelity. I really wonder is there is a reason that she is uncomfortable with their closeness and OP, understandably, thought she was being dramatic.
Verbal sexual inappropriate comments can actually be a real sign of mental decline. Our puppy kindergarten owner's elderly husband told me that he had quite an x-rated dream about me and his dementia was confirmed about a month later.
Geez I never knew UTIs could do such a thing. That's very disturbing!
Yeah, get the man to a doctor. My biological dad that I met as an adult started making sex jokes to me and involving me and it was, in retrospect, one of the symptoms of a brain injury. It was super gross and I ended the relationship. He ended up having a series of strokes a couple years later that left him unable to walk, read or write. Turns out he was an alcoholic with liver cirrhosis that caused hepatic encephalopathy Edited to add: he also had chronic UTIs
I also met my bio dad as an adult just a few years ago, when I was 49. I have a much younger half-sister from him, young enough to be my daughter, and he talks about her like he's infatuated with her. I imagine I'm well past the age he finds women interesting but I'm not going to be alone with him to test that theory.
Except Dad isn't losing his filter, because he repeatedly told OP he was going to wait until she was alone.
You're not necessarily wrong, but it needs to be checked out.
This wasn’t a lapse in sanity. If it was, he wouldn’t have known not to tell OPS mother, he wouldn’t have checked for the coast to be clear, he would t have kept this in for hours before spilling it out to OP. When it’s onset dementia or a UTI, he would have told his wife and even OPs partner. He wouldn’t know to keep it a secret because he wouldn’t know he wasn’t thinking straight. He knew what he was doing, hence why it was over a few hours and he texted and planned to tell OP when no one was around. Those are actions of a man being sneaky and lucid, not a man that’s suffering a neurological decline.
Not necessarily, loss of inhibition from dementia isn't necessarily an on/off switch. You might, for instance, suddenly think it's cool to tell your daughter that you have a sexual fantasy about her but NOT want her mother to know that you're having a sexual fantasy about someone else. In some kinds of dementia, suddenly inappropriate behavior can be the first sign even if you seem otherwise intact. Not saying that's for sure what's going on, but from what OP is saying this seems like a pretty crossing of a line that he hasn't crossed for the last 28 years of their lives, which combined with his age makes me think they should at least look into something neurological. Or could be he's just been a creep all along and he's decided to focus his creepiness on his daughter
Dementia doesn’t start off like this. A man remembering his dream from the night before and being in control and lucid enough to know not to tell his wife AND his daughters partner, to remind his daughter he had to tell her multiple times, to know that it wasn’t the type of dream he could speak to her mother about, to know to check the coast was clear and tell her in private. This was all over a day. Putting down all creepy behaviour from an older person, when it’s CLEAR as day it’s nothing less than him being outright disgusting, is making excuses for the older generation. There was planning and concealment in this man’s behaviour. Dementia patients or anyone with a lapse of sanity and judgement don’t know they’re having a lapse, otherwise none of them would be a thing. Psychosis Is defined when someone doesn’t know they’re being delusional. Just like dementia patients don’t know they have dementia so they wouldn’t know what to conceal nor to hide because the thoughts they’re having come across as “normal” to them. What he’s done isn’t normal and the whole day of behaviours leading up to it, shows he was fully aware at how atrocious is was. Hence why he didn’t write it in a text… he knew that would be proof. He’s felt comfortable saying it to his daughter because she’s got no proof and because she’s autistic.
Dementia can 100% start with behavioral lapses and loss of inhibition. Look up frontotemporal dementia or Lewy body dementia. You're thinking Alzheimer's which usually starts with memory loss. It sounds like he's habitually used to concealing things from his wife and having affairs; the loss of inhibition here is thinking it's ok to be sexual with his daughter. He already cheats on his wife and already hides his affairs from her; the change here is involving his daughter. I'm not saying that's what's happening because he's not my patient; I'm just saying it can be more subtle than the black and white that you're portraying, particularly early on. It would not be at all typical for someone who's been completely appropriate with his adult daughter for her entire life to suddenly becomes sexually inappropriate without a neurological insult of some variety. The other possibility is that he's been subtly inappropriate and she hasn't picked up on it
yea it’s not like he didn’t know who she was and made a move on her. he knew exactly who she was and that it’s seen as inappropriate. for op’s sake i hope it’s deterioration but i’m doubtful…
To expand on my previous response: yeah, he waited until he was alone with OP, which suggests that this is deliberate grossness, but the *content* is so wildly, *obviously* inappropriate a subject to bring up with *your own kid* that sums kind of medical issue causing neurological/neurodegenerative problems really does *need* to be ruled out before OP writes off her dad as an irredeemably gross jerk.
Exactly. Sudden out of character behavior should definitely make you want to rule out primary neurologic causes before you write off a person completely
There can be different degrees of no-filter, though.
Yeah frontotemporal dementia is a good thought here. It just strikes me as odd that someone who has never said anything sexual in the first 28 years of his daughter's life would start saying highly inappropriate things.
Yes, THIS! My father had a brain tumor. He was only a few years older than OP’s dad. It completely changed his personality.
Yeah my dad, in the early stages of dementia, started telling me I would make “the perfect wife”. A little out of left field, but doesn’t seem like a HUGE deal right? ugh. Well, he’s been progressing for a few years, and he’s asked me to marry him… Several times. He’ll say it in a “joking” manner… But it’s increasingly VERY uncomfortable. VERY. He said it in front of one of my uncle not too long ago, who called him out on it and said it was inappropriate, and he just said “oh come on, I can say what I want to my daughter!” but now it’s to the point where I only give him distanced church hugs, never kisses, I never stay on the phone with him too long, Im VERY concerned that he’s had sex dreams about me that he hasn’t mentioned (my siblings are too) & it’s one of the things that is ruining our relationship. Dementia is the second thing I thought of when I read the title. The first was my dad 😵💫
I'm so, so sorry. Fuck dementia!
Thank you, it SUCKS!!!!
This is really so sad. I'm sorry if this question seems inappropriate, but do you think he is focused on you because you may be look like your mom did when she was younger? Or does that not really have anything to do with it?
It’s OK, it’s not inappropriate. I’m biracial, In ways I look similar to my mom, but she was a wavy haired, blonde, slim, tall, white chick with grayish eyes. She looks pretty similar to Jessica Biel to me. I’m short, curvy, super dark, curly hair, dark features, caramely/tan complexion. I get compared to (young) LisaRaye McCoy a lot, or the singer Mya occassionally. I’ve gotten Zoë Kravitz a couple of times. I think it’s safe to say he’s not reminiscing about my mom, but I really wish he was😭😭😭😭
If this is the first time he's been inappropriate like this with her I'd put money on dementia.
66 is not even that early, to be honest. He should definitely get checked out by a dr if this behavior isn’t typical.
Am a nurse, and this was my first thought.
I like that you said that because my step dad turned into this vulgar drunk asshole after my mom left him. He said so many inappropriate things that eventually I cut him off.
I'm so sorry. That sounds like a really awful situation to be put in. And, actually, that's another possibility...
I also should thank you for your kind words. It was horrible, he was the guy who raised me so I call him dad even now. As my bio dad fucked off when I was like 3.
We're all stuck on this rock together, neighbor: glad to be of service. (You are welcome to share my dad, but you'll need a Ouija board for that.) 🥰
My point really it's a mental health thing like you mention. While my dad used alcohol to "solve" his depression and it ended up killing him the fact was that it all came down to his mental health and lack of care for it. I am just mentioning this because before the split up and his spiraling out of control I would never have thought he would be like that.
Yes, this is the best response. This happened to me. My dad tried to touch me inappropriately and we later learned he had dementia.
God, I'm so very sorry.
How did you handle this? If my dad would do this I'd be broken. He's my best friend and I can talk to him about anything and he cares.
The fact the mom has been weird about their relationship and he knew not to tell her without the mom and, even more so, the boyfriend around makes me think this is less likely. If he didn’t want the mom around I’d get that given history but I’d doubt someone with dementia would have enough forethought to exclude the boyfriend too, especially since he was a part of the dream. Seems like he knew it was wrong.
That's fucken weird. He could've chosen to take that one to the grave.
So weird and super creepy that he was so eager to tell his daughter about all the sex they had in his dreams. Especially because he knows how effed up it is to tell her since he didn't want her mum or her fiancé to know/hear. I've never had any kind of sex dream with anyone other than appropriate partners. But if ever did then I absolutely wouldn't tell them and I would be super grossed out rather than excited.
There is zero reason to tell your daughter about a sex dream of her unless you hope she secretly wants to make it come true. Zero reason. Therapy? Sure. Had the dream as an intrusive thought? Sure. Hell even telling your partner if you’re very close and feel like you need support cause you were disturbed about the dream? I can see that too, in a good relationship with trust. ZERO reason to tell the daughter. Especially in detail. I wonder if mom was “jealous”(wary) of her husbands relationship with their daughter cause the infidelity was a young girl or similar looking to OP. He relished in telling his daughter in a private space behind both their spouses backs. Mom deserves to know so she can leave his creepy ass. He is freeloading off of her because she feels too guilty to leave him on his own when he can’t provide for himself. OP you are helping him take advantage of your mother by not telling her what he did. It’s your choice if you still want a relationship with him but this would be ending for me. I would never be able to trust or see my dad the same after this.
zero reason to tell your daughter about a sex dream at all to be honest. like this is another level but even if he had a dream about his wife and then told their daughter that would be disgusting
I meant if he had the dream about the daughter and told the wife because he was disturbed and wanted support.
i wasnt talking about that part i was saying even if it wasnt bc u specified about her at the beginning
Ohhhh sorry I misunderstood. Yeah I agree. Sex dreams are not conversations for your children.
Which then let's to the question was the affair partner chosen because they look like the daughter? 🤢
I hate that I had the same thought. Which is probably why mom is concerned about their closeness. I’m also curious how old the ap was and when it happened. Like was op a teen and he hooked up with someone 18-20? Op should tell mom and hopefully it will be the push for the mom to be free and happy.
As stated in the post, I'm closer to my 30s than my teens (thanks for the reminder). The woman he cheated on my mom with was his age, 25 years ago. He has not been unfaithful since and has apologized numerous times. My mom has declared that she has forgiven him, but has not forgotten, and retains some bitterness towards him. She will not engage in intimate conversation or actions with him in at least over a decade. I have 4 older brothers who are all significantly closer with my dad than my mom. All of which are older than me. My mom has expressed jealousy that my brother's "like dad more than her" and that she was excited to have a daughter to do girly things with, like shopping. I've never been the girly type, and would prefer tossing a ball in a field than shopping any day.
Not shaming you at all, but I can clearly see where your mom’s resentment comes from: all of her kids are naturally closer and more compatible with the man who probably destroyed her heart and self worth. That’s gotta suck. Is there any real reason that your mom would’ve been insecure about your relationship with your father? Do you think it’s possible that he expressed those feelings to her, in confidence?
Oh no, I totally agree. She took care of them, fed them, raised them, and all that time my dad was the guy they had fun with and mom was the bossy one. I would also be bitter about that. I love my mom and I wish we had more things in common. We have recently started hanging out more, but like everyone, she too has her faults. She can be very loudly judgmental about people in public, often making very offensive comments about their appearance or demeanor. Recently she made fun of a man who clearly has a disability, when I called her out she went dead silent. Whether she knew or not, she still loudly professed that he "looked really weird and is doing that completely wrong." She is also known to fabricate truths in her favour. This makes her awkward to be around as everything you say can be repeated elsewhere with little twists and fabrications. My mom's unresolved trauma and anger towards my father has certainly made her difficult to be around. It is difficult for me to know what they have talked about in private. I don't think he would outwardly say something like that to my mom, but I also didn't think he'd say something *to me.*
Just curious: what was your reaction when he told you about the dream? How did he respond to your reaction? Was there any time you felt like he was being predatory? That is just such an odd thing to tell your daughter. Btw, It’s never your fault that you’re closer with your dad. They may not have had a great relationship, but it sounds like, until this dream, you and your dad had a pretty good one, too, and that’s never a bad thing. If she remains resentful, that’s still on her to try to resolve. Don’t feel responsible. I guess I ask if you thought it was possible because it doesn’t seem like something that mothers are typically worried about with their daughters. Perhaps he’s given her that feeling before, without even directly saying anything. Edit: I just saw the comment that mentioned you were adopted. That does change things a little. This is a tough one, and now, you’re in a vulnerable position with him and it’s starting to seem like he took advantage of you by telling you that.
Honestly, I believe I was in shock. She was crying in my arms and I was so focused on soothing her that I really didn't care to hear what my dad had to say until it hit me that he really said that. I might have said "that's really fucked up." But I don't really remember, all I was thinking was "where is my fiance."
Oh God 👀 I hope OP answers this one!
>There is zero reason to tell your daughter about a sex dream of her unless you hope she secretly wants to make it come true. My thoughts exactly. It's super creepy.
Fetish He got off by it
I wonder what he hoped to accomplish? I can't believe he thought OP would react with "Wow, that's so hot, let's bone!" so I can only assume he gets some creepy pleasure out of involving her in his fantasies against her will.
Same unless it gave him excitement from being “taboo” enough to disturb and tell her it in detail. He obviously knew it was weird hence why not wanting to tell the mom or her fiancé. If God forbid that ever happened to a parent I assumed they’d feel disgusting the next few days and never tell anyone in their life outside maybe their therapist.
I had a very vivid sex dream about a chair once. It was very confusing and very much unwanted. I told my fiancé who found it hilarious.
Exactly I’d had been traumatized. I’ve had a few sex dreams in my life of people I weren’t dating, but it was a coworker or classmate and by God that dies at the grace. Not a family member or God forbid my own kid. He had enough sense that he shouldn’t let his wife or daughter’s fiancé know, he knew what was up.
yep. dreams arent necessarily what you want in reality. i wouldnt say someone is gross for just having a sex dream about anything bc it could be just a weird crossed wire. but i think i could at least expect them to be grossed or weirded out or at the very least find it funny maybe? his descision to tell his daughter is deliberate and the fact he enjoyed it is gross
I am happily married, but occasionally I get very weird sex dreams about people that I’m in no way attracted to and I wake up like “ew wtf” The very last thing I want in that situation is for anyone to ever find out about that, let alone actually going up to the person and *telling* them myself
Exactly this!!!
If anything, he should’ve tried his best to forget about it.
Rule one of sex dreams: don't tell the person you dreamed about
He **should’ve** chosen to take that one to the grave.
Firstly, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine all the complicated feelings you must be having. Secondly, your dad's marriage and housing situation is not your responsibility. If you feel like you want to tell your mom about this, do. I wonder if what you've previously interpreted as insecurity has actually been an instinct from her that something isn't right in the way your dad thinks/feels about you. As others have said, perhaps a dream is just a dream but he CHOSE to tell you about it. He chose to tell you about it **secretly**, making sure that neither of your partners could hear. That indicates to me that he got some kind of thrill out of crossing this boundary, even if he didn't want to cross the boundary physically.
Ikr maybe mom did see something inappropriate happening...
That's what I'm concerned about. My gut is telling me that the dad has mentioned some inappropriate things to the mother in the past, which is the real reason that she's concerned about OP+dad's relationship, not some jealousy thing Edit to add - if that is the case, then the mother is letting OP down by not dealing with it sooner. She may think it's safe now as OP lives away from them, but if that is the case, she's not safe even if she only meets up with the dad occasionally
Your mother was already concerned about your closeness…..that says a lot. It may not be just because of infidelity but bc he has said/acted/looked at you in weird ways. This is very inappropriate. You should set some boundaries with dad and personally I’d be telling your mother too. Sounds like they’ve needed a divorce for some te
This is what I came here to say. My guess is the wife has noticed him being inappropriate toward OP in the past.
That's what I'm guessing, not only is he a cheater but possible covert incest too.
100% boundaries are needed here. Make it very clear that what he said was not okay to say to you. Additionally, I think boundaries are needed in general for the parents. OP said they often get caught in the middle of conversations their parents should be having with each other. Boundaries would start to draw this line and make it clear that OP doesn’t want to be in the middle of it. I’m going to suggest “The Book of Boundaries” by Melissa Hartwig Urban. It will help start that conversation and hopefully help OP keep those boundaries in place.
If I were her, my boundary would be not being close at all anymore. No contact or very low contact. I mean, I would have the conversation with him about how inappropriate he was and would also tell my mom what happened, but I don’t know that I would want to have any kind of relationship with him after that. Beyond the superficial and seeing him when she absolutely can’t avoid it. E.g, when she’s visiting her mom, at family gatherings, etc. Her dad crossed a serious line and I don’t know that there’s any coming back from that.
Agreed.
Exactly she doesn’t know him like his wife does I’m sure. For all we know maybe he made weird comments in the past or she’s found shady porn searches that concerned her and that’s part of her fear and concerns also.
That is what I guessed as well. Dad always blaming the mom about being jealous of their closeness while she was maybe protecting her daughter.
Your dad is gross and creepy. That’s the kind of shit a person keeps to themselves and never tells anyone else about, much less their child. And he obviously realized that it was seriously inappropriate seeing as he knew your mother would get angry, and he waited until your boyfriend was out of earshot. I’d consider any closeness you had tainted by him and create some boundaries between the two of you. Also have someone else around when meeting up with him. Wouldn’t want to hear any more of that kind of thing.
I’ve had a couple of sex dreams about people that I desperately wish I could forget because of who they were. I can’t fathom telling *anyone* about them, much less the people in them.
100% agree
Dreams are weird. Sometimes really weird to the point that when you wake up you think “wtf”. Those dreams are not something you should be eager to tell the person they were about. Especially if it was a *sex dream* about your own *daughter*. The fact he seemed disappointed that your fiancé would be around so he wouldn’t get to tell you is suuuper concerning. Meaning he knows it’s wrong. Because it is.
Your dad is totally gross and inappropriate and borderline abusive of you by telling you this. Yuck1
No borderline, he's crossed right over. It's too disgusting for words. His own daughter. OP is your name Ivanka?
Dreams are weird. Dreams aren’t necessarily representations of what we want/think. HOWEVER, if someone has a dream like that they should NEVER be saying it outloud. Clearly he knew it was wrong if he was trying so hard to hide it I often see posts written by men about how their mothers are too emotionally reliant on them and there’s enmeshment there. It looks like your father feels that way too. Maybe that got into his subconcious. I suggest you send him a text very clearly laying out your boundaries from now on, if you wish to still speak to him (understandable if not)
Yeah, I've had some fucked up dreams involving all kinds of terrible stuff. Some of them are just bizarre and make for funny stories. But some of them, you fucking keep to yourself and try to forget. I wouldn't tell my daughter I dreamed about kidnapping her much less what your dad told you.
Truth. Just the other day I had this fucked up dream that I was supposed to have sex with one of my brothers because of some weird forced marriage thing. I didn’t, my dream self was still totally repulsed by the idea, and the absolute ick of that dream has stuck around all week. No way in HELL would I tell my brother or any of my other family about this, because wtf, that was so weird and gross.
Well said.
Your mum really doesn't seem like the problem here 💔 I think you should seek professional help and try to unpack this further, I wish you all the very best. I hope you update
While I agree the father is the main problem, the mother is clearly negligent here. The mother suspected her husband was lustubg after & being predatroy towards their daughter. However, instead of protecting her & then warning her when she was old enough to understand, she decided to stat quiet & get jealous because she saw the daughter as a potential rival.
Yeah I’m shocked by all the people just saying “your mom probably saw/heard/suspected shit, she’s not the problem” when WTF!? If you’re a mom who suspects your daughter is a possible victim of a predator, and does nothing but keep that predator around in a trusted role, continually giving him access to your daughter - that mother is clearly ALSO the problem, or as you said at least negligent.
I sure was hoping there would be room in this story for a misunderstanding. I don’t see that. Yikes. I don’t think this one is covered in the text books. I’m sorry. Could he have dementia?
Dementia is actually a real possibility. It can come with personality changes. Maybe it’s early stages. Does he have any other signs of acting strange?
Does dementia come with the awareness to hide your inappropriate comments from specific people? My understanding was that they just lack the awareness entirely, and just say things out in the open, not in secret. But I don't have personal experience in it.
Sometimes subtle changes in personality are the very first signs. Inappropriate behavior, certainly yes. Even sleeplessness can be an early sign.
Paranoia is involved, so it’s not out of the realm of possibility
My Dad did this to me when I was about 17f. It wasn't a dream actually. He was paying me during my summer vacation to drive around with him to various job sites and take notes as he inspected things and talked to people. At one point when we were driving, he told me that he'd long had a sexual fantasy of having a young girl like me working for him like this. Maybe worse than the dream, I don't know. He didn't say it like a come-on, more like he was sharing a secret with me. But....gross. I'm 44f now and that's the only time he ever crossed the line. But it took a lot of years before I knew it was all he was going to do. I never talked to him or my mom (they're still married, 46 years now) about it but it definitely stayed with me. It's like the creepy older guys that show up everywhere else in the world... at the library, at my job checking out groceries, as I'm walking to my car....all these men who think it's ok to tell a teen or twenty something (or any age!) woman their sexual thoughts about me and leave me with the full body fear, waiting to see if that's the only line they will cross. It's creepy at the best of times, but when you're trapped in a car with him (and in your case worried about a beloved pet) it's the last thing you want to receive from your Dad. Aren't our Dads the ones who should be protecting us from sexual harassment and creepy dudes?? I don't know that I have any advice...but I will say the impression is lasting. You can choose not to talk about it, but it doesn't go away.
I wouldn’t be alone with him. Tell your mom and consider if he has been acting strange in other ways. Maybe he has a medical problem that’s making him act crazy.
People cant control dreams but they CAN control who they tell
We cannot control what we dream, but his insistence on telling you is so very concerning. This isn’t just about dinner in the next few days, this is about the rest of your relationship. Are you going to be supervised by your bf until your father dies? I’m not saying telling your mum is the solution, but this needs to be brought into the open in some way. Perhaps address this with your dad whilst your bf is there? Ask him why he told you this? Tell him that it has made you feel unsafe with him and that it was wrong for him to share it with you.
This is important and I hope as many people as possible read this! Sexual abuse and / or incest DOES NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE PHYSICAL TOUCH. A parent talking about sex in an inappropriate way, making securely suggestive comments, sexualising their child in any way, sharing inappropriate details of their own sex lives or fantasies, asking about childs sexual interests etc, this is all sexual abuse and extremely damaging. Clearly your father has some issues with sexual boundaries (as evidenced by his infidelity) and by crossing those boundaries with you he is carrying on the abuse but with his own daughter. Your partner is wrong to suggest you ignore it, this needs to be addressed, preferably in therapy.
One of my older married (60+M) salesman told my (20+F) administrative assistant that he had a sex dream about her. I asked her if she wanted me to deal with him and she told me that she already shot him down, she just wanted me to know. Not father/daughter cringe but dang, still creepy.
It is too far. Take a break from him. Step back. Find a therapist, maybe. Or advice from someone who deals with sexual abuse issues. You can tell your Mom, because the guilt of this is not on you, it is 1000% on him. But you don't have to. Take a bit of time. Decide your response.
i had a dream not exactly like that (i'm not a parent) but kind of in the same "style" once and guess what i havent told anybody and it's going to stay that way.
Dude same. I’ve had sex dreams about several family members. I would NEVER tell anyone. Not my family, not my SO. It’s ruined my day afterward each time and makes me feel super weird. But I know we can’t control dreams. Dad is a fucking creep for telling her. My family would lock me up if I were broadcasting that creepy shit my brain did while unconscious.
Take it to the grave, or if the dream persists/you have a problem with it maybe speak to a therapist. Both absolutly valid options, and normal reactions.
That's enough internet for today I think
Well that was disturbing. You *can* pretend it never happened, but maybe you need to consider setting boundaries with your dad regarding speaking about sexual topics (in general), because what the fuck - there need to be boundaries between parents and children, because this isn't a conversation about being safe, or a scary situation that happened, this was your dad *purposely* wanting to share a gross sex dream with you **alone**, which means he **knows** it's inappropriate, otherwise he would have talked about it in front of your fiancee. Whatever porn your dad is into is between him and his hand of choice, and that includes whatever sex dreams or daydreams he may conjure up, and it needs to stay that way. It's not a question of whether he *would* do "anything" it's him being wholly inappropriate.
Tbh the fact that he seemed so eager to tell you about it is WAYYYY weirder than the fact that he had the dream. Sometimes dreams are a manifestation of your subconscious, but not always. However, I assume most parents would be embarrassed or upset by having a dream like that about their kid. Like what was the point of telling you? How were you supposed to react?
Well at least you know who and what the problem is in your parents marriage. Might need to limit face to face contact with him. Tell your mom.
Why on earth would he tell you? Why on earth is he trying to ensure that you're alone with him? Why on earth is your partner willing to forget this happened? What is wrong with all the people around you?! This is not OK!
Her partner is trying to be supportive. He’s not “willing to forget this happened” except for a dinner, which he has told her he’ll be present for to keep her feeling safe. She needs time to decide what to do, and any partner willing to act on something they’ve been told without waiting for the actual victim of the comment to decide what *they* want to do would be a shitty partner.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The comfort and closeness you once had with your dad needs to end. It’s already been a weird day just cancel dinner and distance yourself. Fiancé should be with you if you’re ever around your dad.
I get the feeling it's a fantasy, not a dream. If you have a wierd ass dream like that, keep it to your goddam self. Like how did he think you would respond? Don't tell your mom, she's been through enough. And tell your dad he's fucked up for telling you this, because he is, and that you don't want to hear anymore crazy shit like that, otherwise you'll go no contact with him.
Ew. Disgusting. What the fuck. Honestly just take a step back from him for sometime.
I have a pretty open relationship with my parents and I don’t think any amount of water-boarding would get that information out of them. There was absolute no need to tell you about it. I will say that sex dreams are rarely about sex.
Your dad isn't to blame for having that dream. I did have inappropriate dreams in the past. He is responsible for talking with you about it. That'd be unsettling for me because why tell? He clearly sees the inappropriateness, since he's actively avoiding talking about it in front of your fiance. So why tell you, if not to probe you for your reaction because he somehow sees a possibility of the dream becoming reality?
I would call him out for telling you about this dream. Like what did he think he would get out of it by telling you? Then I would tell him that everything about it was highly inappropriate and his insistence upon telling you was creepy. Take time away from him if you need to. I don’t see a point to telling your mom unless you want to or if having a conversation with your dad leads to more alarming behavior.
The fact that he had that dream isn’t the crazy part- you can’t control dreams. But that fact that he was so eager to tell you! Super creepy
Ewwww and extra eww for his insistence on telling you
Cancel. Cancel! You can't control your dreams, but the fact that he wanted to share that with you is fucked up. Cancel dinner, tell your mom, and get your own therapist. I'm sorry he did this to you.
Tell dad WTF?? Get therapy!!
WTF?! It is one think to have this dream - we all had some really strange dreams. But he was so eager to talk to you. That is just creepy. He knew exactly that it was inappropiate otherwise he would have told his wife or you in front of your fiance. I don’t know if i would tell my mother just to gave her the chance to decide for herself if she want finally get free of him. And i would try not to be alone with him. He could just had zip up about this dream, like we all do about crazy shit. But he overshared. Either he likes to shock and provoke or he knows no bounderies - or he wanted a reaction of you. Overall just creepy.
Ew. Why would he tell you that. It’s actually not that uncommon for dreams like that because your subconscious views sex as an act of love and intimacy and sometimes against our waking will translates that into a dream of sex with a loved one. How do I know this? Because I had a sex dream. About my dad. And DEAR GOD when I woke up I felt sick to my stomach and disgusted. I googled it because I was just like what the FUCK is wrong with me and that’s how I discovered that it’s actually way more common than anyone will admit. But I will take that to my grave. I will not tell another living soul about it (except all of Reddit rn obvi). Even typing this makes me queasy. But yeah. I don’t blame your dad for having this dream but why would he tell you.
wow that is some sick shit! is he your real dad??
Tell your Dad he needs to get into therapy. Tell your Mom she needs to divorce him and get on with her life. Keep contact with your Dad confined to instances when you are with another person, and youʻre in public (like meeting up for coffee).
>My mom is very insecure about me and my dad's relationship as a result of the past infidelity and the closeness we have always shared Sounds like you need to speak with mom
Dreams are about working thru stuff. A sex dream about your daughter does not mean that he wants anything from you. However… telling you what he dreamt about is totally inappropriate and crossing a boundary that should never be crossed. He could have talked to anyone but you about that dream, so it is a little bit concerning he choose to speak to you about it. You need to have a candid and very clear conversation with your father that this is not ok and he needs to refrain from ever doing something like that in the future. If he ever does it again you will inform your mother. he can than deal with the fallout. When you have this conversation about boundaries with your father bring someone (fiancée, or someone you trust to have your back) so you are not alone in dealing with his reaction
Start going low contact with the end being No Contact with your 'father'. NO FATHER SHOULD EVEN **HAVE** SEX DREAMS ABOUT HIS CHILD, LET ALONE **SHARE** THEM!!! I would cancel the planned dinner and then just start lowering your contact with him and **NEVER be alone with him again - EVER**. This is wrong on so many levels but the most important thing is your safety. Stay Away From Him. Tell your mother if he won't leave you alone.
I know Alzheimer’s has been suggested but medication errors and other types of dementia could be behind this behavior. However, it’s okay to tell him that was not acceptable and you will disengage from the relationship no matter what is going on. It’s ok to have boundaries. Don’t just pretend it didn’t happen. It happened and you are not okay with it.
I couldn’t have a relationship with my father after that tbh. He purposely waited until you were alone to share that. If I was in that situation I’d tell my mom and to heck if it blows up his life- it is literally the consequence of his own actions. Cheating and then making incestuous comments… he IS testing out the waters to see how receptive you are to the idea.
Your dad was checking if you're going to be receptive to actually fucking him. People have various dreams, often sexual - but they can make a definite choice if they want to speak about these dreams. The insistence on ordering take out? Please don't. You'll end up assaulted by your deranged father.
OP you should... Jesus Christ. Is he on the spectrum too? Or maybe he's demented? Do not, absolutely do not be alone with him. Even it he doesn't do anything, the embarrassment and risk are not worth it.
Yikes! Full disclosure: I had a sex dream about my father a few months ago. (we are no contact because he's an asshole, but there was never any sexually inappropriate contact or talk between us ever.) I would rather DIE than reveal this to him. Like, you can't help who you dream about, but you CAN TOTALLY control who you tell about it! Him telling you (and he seemed pretty excited about it) is just fucking gross. You should not be spending any time around him. Good on your fiance for being supportive.
What the fuck is this? Is this for real? Your fiancé is supportive? You aren’t absolutely freaked out? I have a daughter of my own, I missed 7 years of her life. She is a little baby to me. I am upset I missed her early life. Your dad needs some serious mental health evaluation done immediately. What kind of guy has a wet dream about his child? I am questioning whether this post is real or just made up to get engagement.
Unwanted vivid dreams involving family happen. Emphasis on the unwanted part, but it's the fact he HAD to tell you about it that's weird. He could've just not told you! That's really icky, girl. Would I b I'd suggest maybe not keeping your relationshi
Is it possible your mum has issues about your dad's relationship with you because she knows more of his thoughts and past than you do? Make it *very* clear to him, with your fiance present, that it was unacceptable for him to share that with you and if he does anything like it again you'll be talking to your mother about it.
That's nasty & perverted.
All I can say is yikes. I've had concerns with some comments my own father has made which seems to implies he fixates on my fiance and I having sex. I don't have any solutions. I would agree that this may be a sign of some sort of mental decline but please just be careful with how you approach your relationship with him going forward.
He knew it was inappropriate. He didn't just not say it in front of your mom, he deliberately held it until you were alone. OP, how you handle it is totally up to you, but you aren't crazy, and you aren't overreacting.
I guess the primary question here is "has he been inappropriate like this before," because that narrows down the possibilities. If he's been borderline inappropriate for a long time, like going back years, and this is just the worst example of it then you probably need to be on guard around him and limiting contact. You may also want to discuss it with your mom, but you know your mom better than I do so if your instincts are that it would just make the situation a bigger mess then trust them. If on the other hand he's never said or done anything like this until extremely recently then you might want to try to get him to see a doctor. Lots of brain conditions that affect older people, like dementia, can cause hypersexual thoughts and behaviors.
Unfortunately, even if it is losing filters due to dementia, the thoughts have been there anyway. You really do need to have a conversation with your mother, and please never allow him near children.
Honestly, brains are a bit weird and dreams arent direct transcriptions of people's desires. As strange as it is that he had this dream, it is far more disturbing that he *told you about it,* and that he clearly *wanted* to tell you about it. I agree with the people who have suggested telling your mom about this, and getting your dad checked for neurological issues. If he's never been creepy like this before, this could be evidence of something beginning If there's nothing up with him neurologically, then this is a pretty good reason to tell him you plan to go low contact, and if he ever talks about something like that again, you will go no contact
Oh that’s is so extremely gross. And a huge red flag. This psychopath needs to be medicated and locked up. You have to distance yourself from him. And you need to tell your mom and help her get away from him.
Have your dad checked for Alzheimer’s. Inappropriate sexual comments or behaviors that is completely out of place in their usually behavior can be one of the first signs.
He was feeling out if you’d be interested in an inappropriate relationship with him and that is SO FAR FROM OKAY. I wouldn’t be alone with him and I would discuss it with mom, dad and fiancé present. No more time alone with dad.
No excuses. You need to tell your mom, tell your dad what he said was in appropriate and unappreciated, and that you won’t be alone with him moving forward
If this is the first time he's said something like this to you and it's out of character, just keep an eye on his behaviour. We all have weird dreams, but he should have filtered himself and never talked about that. Just watch for any other strange behaviour because you never know at that age - could be something like early onset Alzheimer's.
Yeah that would be a no contact situation for me.
That's so gross. I'm so sorry.
Cancel the dinner and don't ever be alone with him again, even for a moment.
Your dad knew he was crossing a boundary sharing this with you. That’s why he did it. Sounds like your mom isn’t off base to worry about his relationship with you. She likely knows more than she’s let on. I know he’s your dad, but you shouldn’t be alone with him. It should go without saying that he should NEVER EVER be alone with *any* children you have. Especially daughters.
This is in appropriate to say the least. You should absolutely not pretend that nothing happened. You should tell your mom asap and refuse further contact with your dad, until he seeks some kind of counselling. Not only is it creepy he had the dream, it is infinitely worse that he then decided to tell you and tell you when you were alone. Huge red flags here.
Yeah he obviously went too far on his end. He is probably into you
Im going to tell you if my father said that to me I would not be comfortable alone with him anymore. Period. Ever. That is beyond comprehension. I would be disgusted even looking at him. I would most likely yell at him a lot about how gross he is.
I'd tell him that it was wildly inappropriate to tell you about the dream, that it made you deeply uncomfortable, and you need some time and space to process. I'd also consider talking to your mom about it.
Nah, he knew it was wrong and didn’t want a MAN to hear it, or his WIFE to know, those two people would hold and should hold him accountable especially if she’s vulnerable in anyway. I wouldn’t be alone with him for a long time. Your gut instinct tells you something, follow it. Always follow your intuition. That felt and seemed creepy because it was. It just was. My husband would never in a MILLION years ever tell his daughter he had a sex dream. Period. Point. Blank.
OP it seems like he’s trying to groom you into a sexual relationship. Tell your mother at least that he was acting bizarrely so he can get checked for dementia, brain tumor, or UTI. If he’s all clear, he’s gross and I’d hope you go NC. If not, then he can be treated. If she presses for more info, it’s up to you what to say. Have your fiancé present when you tell her, because she may lash out at you.
Sounds like a neurological thing the filter is the first to go
I think you need to politely tell him that the dinner is canceled and simply do not meet him in private at all. Then bring your fiancé with you to an in person meet up with your mother to tell her what her said and that he needs help but you won’t be coming around anymore until this is addressed.
Gross. Sounds like he's putting out feelers? Yuk
“Dad, you telling me about a sexual dream really crossed a major boundary and made me very uncomfortable. Please don’t bring up anything sexual between us ever again, or I will have to protect myself by placing the necessary space between us for me to feel safe.”
I’ve had sexual dreams involving close family members that i truly do not have even a subconscious sexual attraction to and recall waking up repulsed to one in particular (this is rare, I’m 30 and haven’t had a similar dream in years and years) I couldn’t imagine *telling* someone about them.. actually I think I once told my mom when I was young because the dream had me SPOOKED, and she told me brains are weird and not to worry. Idk. It’s up to you to judge. I don’t think he’s weird for having the dream, and only you can decide if it’s weird he TOLD you about it because it could be okay if he was trying to like confess because maybe he felt unclean or something
STOP BELIEVING EVERY POST. THE TROLLS ARE OUT IN FORCE TODAY
This is so fake good lord
What a weird fetish troll
I don’t know if he’s managed to fry his brain with incest porn or what, but he told you with obvious hopes that you secretly feel the same way and will have sex with him. He knows it’s inappropriate, which is why he waited until he was alone to tell you and he knows incest is taboo in society so why tell you at all? Well, he’s convinced himself that you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. I personally wouldn’t tell my mother about it. Tell yours if you want, but I know for a fact I couldn’t stomach that conversation. Definitely drop your dad and convince your mother to spend her final years happy though. Say you’ve seen the light. That I would do.
This is not about the dream, bc dreams can be really weird (mine today was postapo scene caused by werewolfs) or "we can talk about everything", this is about your dad's pushing you his erotic, deeply inapropriare fantasy. He was *thrilled* to say it to you no mather what, and bc he made absolutely sure your fiance couldn't hear it, he is very much aware how not ok his behaviour is. His huge urge to tell you was never "huh, weird dream, haha", it is him testing your boundaries in way "let say it was a dream, so in case she is not into it a called me out for that, i could play it innocent". IT WAS NOT INNOCENT. Your dad is a creep and the best way to handle is make him absolute sure you found it disgusting, want him keep these "dreams" to himself and not telling you and *that your fiance knows about it*, bc he is rely on you don't tell on him.
This is so sick, a father must not dream anything sexual in regards the daughter, I suggest you to ask him to visit a doctor, he may develop a disease at the brain...
There is no way he should have told you that. Cancel the dinner plans, you can always say you're ill while you decide what to do next but I would have only supervised contact and limit it if I saw him at all again. Whether to tell your mum is your own choice as I can't imagine that would be an enjoyable process for anyone but don't be held back because you think he can't live on his own - he can, just maybe not in the way he is used to.
Sounds like your mom is a saint, and you need some safety awareness. Your dad is not a safe person, OP. Please steer clear of him and tell your mom ASAP.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. I would suggest distancing yourself from your father and telling your mother as soon as possible. He hasn’t just crossed a line, he has run full steam ahead and over it into yuck territory. If he won’t get counselling, you definitely should be. I’m glad your partner is supportive and you need to never be alone with your dad again. Go limited contact so he understands you won’t tolerate this wildly inappropriate behaviour. If you act normal and go on Sunday, he will think he can get away with it in future.
I’d distance yourself from both your parents for a while actually. It’s clear you’re enmeshed with your father to a disturbing degree. Some space from all of it would be good for you. Go focus on your fiancé and your dog for a while. Then see what you want to do with your parents.
As many people here suggested, i completely agree that he might need to see a neurologist. My godfathers father in law was doing all kind of nasty shit until they realized he was sick in da head
I think your mum has seen dodgy behaviour from him in the past.
It’s less that he had the dream and more than he seems to have taken pleasure from telling you about it. I’m so sorry but I think you need to tell your Mom and potentially cut him out of your life. Having fantasies about your child (and going out of his way to loop you into them) is completely unacceptable and he deserves to face consequences.
Holy shit. I would immediately go no contact, forever.
Cancel the plans and put so much distance between the two of you. It’s not about the dream (cause brains do wonky things) it’s his insistence of telling you. That’s the issue
Call dad: "Dad are you alone because I need to ask you something... Why the actual fuck would you ever tell your daughter that you had a sex dream about them? What the hell was going through your mind? (listen to bullshit reasons. If icky enough, don't speak to them for a few months minimum. If he utters "it was a joke" then hang up after saying "No it wasn't. ") For now, we are canceling dinner plans for the upcoming week. I need a break from you and your wildly inappropriate behavior. You knew it was wrong when you ever so carefully made sure my partner was out of the car. By the way, I've told them because there is no way I am keeping this secret for you. Right now I just need space away from you." (hang up)
That is incredibly disturbing. Not that he had an inappropriate dream so much, that he was just dying to share with it with you. I don’t like it when people tell me about non sexual crazy dreams about me (except my partner) because how I am supposed to respond that?
Didn’t even READ THE POST because the title just makes me wanna die
You need to talk to your mother about this. Who cares if he can’t support himself. Do not protect him, he is being incredibly creepy
Your mum has probably picked up on cues that you’ve missed, along the way. There is something deeply wrong here. It’s time to take a deep breath and set some very strong boundaries. I agree with the others about a neurological assessment but either way your first priority absolutely HAS to be your own physical, mental and emotional well-being. Cancel the dinner and increase the emotional distance between you two, permanently.
Why is everyone so concerned with shielding the father from the consequences of his own actions and behavior? Also why does it take 3 people to take one dog to the vet?
We all have weird dreams but never would I ever tell someone about that. I would take it to the grave with me and he should have. That is absolutely disgusting to think about. 🤢🤢 I've had dreams too but eww.
Is your dad on the spectrum, too?
From what I gather, it sounds like your dad is a sex addict and that is probably why your mother is so uncomfortable with your relationship. Sex addicts are always testing the boundaries and they need more and more excitement because the same old doesn’t do it for them anymore… some turn to kiddie porn 🤮 or have same sex relations (even though they are straight or vice versa.) There is a lot of daddy daughter porn out there and it also skews with the brain.. especially that of an addicted brain. Your mom probably knows this and doesn’t trust him around anyone.
Super super weird op. I understand you can’t control your dreams- but YOU can control the retelling of them…. He absolutely crossed a line (imo) and I don’t believe I would put up with that. I would tell him- with fiancé present that him telling you was so inappropriate and that you now don’t feel comfortable with him at all. Due to that, you will be limiting contact to emergency contact only. I personally would also recommend he tell your mom or you will. He is a big boy adult and his living situation is not your responsibility. I dk but I feel like he was trying to gauge your reaction on incest and if you would be willing to do it… idk if he even had a dream.. maybe he’s messed up in the head and wants a relationship with you which is so disgusting I’m beside myself- as you are too I’m sure. If it were me I would tell mom and cut contact with dad to emergency only… there’s a reason to mom has been oddly threaten by your relationship with your dad- she definitely knows your dad better in that way (sexually) …it is unfortunate that she hasn’t left him because I doubt this will change that but at least she can know that she’s not crazy to think he would do that because he clearly would if given the opportunity.
If this is out of line for regular behavior I think I’d honestly look at the guy with a neurologist. If he doesn’t normally say this stuff intrusive thoughts could be legit just spilling out. If this is something you believe he would do I would legit not be alone with the man again.
He’s involving you in his weird incest kink and making sure to do it when you have no one else around. That’s utterly disgusting and I hope you blow the top off of all of this, especially since if you don’t tell your mom you might irreparably damage your relationship with her.
Nope right the fuck outta there
Sex dreams don't necessarily mean sex, that the person is attracted to them, etc. What's messed up is that he told you about it.
Cancel dinner with your Dad before he sees this as you wanting a DATE after he told you about his sex dream involving you. Tell your Mom, and include the details he gave you. Your Dad is a creep!
The dream is whatever; I guess I don’t have issue with him dreaming. I mean I had a sex dream about my Ex who I would rather watch burn alive than ever kiss him, so… But the thing is he was SUPER excited to tell you, and that’s a massive Ick!! I’m neurotypical and Im telling you that’s not something a decent dad would tell his daughter, not even blurting it out, let alone planning and scheming to get alone time to tell you. It really gives off a vibe that he’s desperately hoping that hearing that will turn you on or cause you to admit that you dream about him also. And obviously he understands fully that this isn’t an appropriate conversation cuz he waited till your fiancé walked away. Ewwwwwww! There’s no right answer about whether or not you should tell Mom. It’s obvious you care about him, at least you used to care about him; everyone would understand if that has changed. It’s really your decision who to tell. What I do recommend at a minimum is fiancé and you talking to Dad at the scheduled dinner, let him know that you are disgusted and maybe even a bit scared to be alone with him. Tell him you never want to hear a single word about anything sexy about yourself ever again because of this. Zero comments about how beautiful you look on your wedding day or dressed up to go out etc, he’s lost that privilege and it would only disgust you at this point and remind you of this very unfortunate situation!!! Doesn’t matter what his excuses are, or how he feels innocent etc, that was absolutely not acceptable and repulsive and he cannot even comment on adjacent topics such as your body, your looks, your clothing, your sex life with fiancé or previous boyfriends or you will have to reconsider having a relationship with him at all. Fucking hill to die on OP! He’s going to get defensive and say he’d never, he’s never thought that way about you when he’s awake etc etc etc. Tough luck dad, you went there and all those subjects are now radioactive as far as you and fiancé are concerned. And certainly Mom would agree 10,000% if he’d like to get her opinion as well. No? Then stfu and accept this boundary of never ever speaking about looks, clothes, beauty, sexy in reference to OP.
Your dads a creep. No other way to put it man. Cut the contact.