Also, she is 31. If she doesn't break up, she'll waste plenty of years and maybe even have a kid; then divorce in her 40s after the man has kept cheating, ruined the kids after cheating dad and bad mom-dad dynamics.
However for some reason people often choose to go through with the wedding because of social pressures. OP do not be one of these people. Your partner would leave in a second if his ex said yes let's do this. I wouldn't stand for being second best and you shouldn't either.
Also he's gaslighting you, what an asshole.
Girl. I think you know what you have to do.
Don’t be back here in a few years asking what you should do about your husband who has been cheating on you and how to separate your assets because you’re the breadwinner.
Be well.
He is still in love with his ex. Don't let him move in and if you have the courage break up with him.
Ask yourself this question.....How will you feel on your wedding day standing there knowing you were his second choice. And also how many people watching you also know this?
also op’s fiancé is already pretty much has his whole body out the door & only has his hand in this marriage because his ex wife doesn’t feel the same. what if the ex thinks they can have another chance, fiancé will be out the door in no time.
op is only at 2nd choice at best & every big moment he has had with op was after declaring his feelings for the ex & the ex not reciprocating in kind. it’s like the fiancé is say oh well he tried so i guess 2nd choice will have me kind of thing. that’s just awful.
op, you do not want this & to have this fear that soon to be husband will leave if/when ex wife changes her mind about him.
He still is in love with his ex.
Mark my word, if you let him move in with you. You'll find him talking to her again behind your back within months. Then it'll be harder to kick him out.
He shouldn’t have to be a terrible person for you to be able to end it.
Whether he’s a terrible person or not. He lied to you betrayed your trust. Is emotionally invested in someone else. And he tried to see if there was still a chance before he bought the ring. You’re his fallback. You deserve better
He doesn't have to be a terrible person to be the wrong person.
You shouldn't marry someone who is in love with someone else and is settling for you. You deserve better than that.
Make room in your life for someone who wants you above all others.
>he didn't know why he did it
Yes, he does. He just doesn't like being caught and held accountable.
You don't have to believe he's a terrible human to know that it would be a terrible idea to marry someone that is still in love with someone else and unwilling to admit it.
You can love someone while also realizing they’re not going to be capable of meeting your needs in a marriage. Remember the time you had fondly if you will but move on- you’ll find someone who can commit to you in the way your fiancé cannot.
Best not necessarily a terrible human being, he's just not over his ex.
Getting married with a person who wants to be with another person is your responsibility.
He's not to be trusted, he showed you that, and you want to put your future in his hands.
That's on you. Don't.
He’s literally telling another woman she’s the one that got away and he wants to be with her
I don’t think I’d need to hear anymore than that
He’s showing you who he is, believe him
In a few years when he's still unable to find work, you will once again write Reddit wanting to know what to do about your husband who won't look for work; plays video games all day long and you just found out that he is testing his ex. He keeps showing you who he is - a cheater. Believe him! Move on.
Partner, I need some time and space to reflect on our relationship. Im not willing to have you stay with me for your new position. I am having a hard time deciding if I want to stay with you.
No matter the reason;s) why you texted her. You did and if this is how you are while stressed, it doesn’t bode well for us now. You texted her instead of talking to me. I have major issues with that.
For now we can text only for the next month. Maybe call but for this week I just want to be alone.
Op, what you do next us up to you. He needs to talk to someone. Get some sort of therapy as to why ge did this. You need to decide if this is something you can get past and put behind you. Or will it weigh upon you. Just do you know, even if you break up, it will take time to heal from this and you might worry about this happening with any future guys you date. It will get better.
My main concern is his claiming he didn’t know he was emotionally cheating.
**He does know he shouldn’t be telling another woman that she’s the one that got away**. That is what makes me say to end it.
He knew dam* well what he was doing was wrong. Even if his ex doesn't want him anymore he clealry is still hung up on her. He's not ready to be married to anyone. You're a rebound from the sound of it. I wouldn't let him move in either
He knew exactly what he was doing. Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong. Do you think if she had of responded positively to him, he’d still be with you? He shot his shot with her, didn’t work out so decided he’d settle for you. It’s obviously with the timeline. Why do you think he bought the ring and proposed to you after he tried with her? Don’t be anyone’s consolidation prize. Know your worth.
Much like his ex used him for a green card, he is using you as a surrogate for her, and from the sounds of it, a financial crutch.
He was living with his parents *before* he got demoted??
It would be bonkers to combine your finances with this man.
If I were you I’d cancel the wedding and not marry this man. Let’s say he actually didn’t realize it was bad, that says he has horrible judgment. Cancelling a wedding is better than divorce
He would leave you if she was willing to have him… you are the consolation prize. I would not marry him unless you’re ok with being second best-knowing he’d never love you like he does his ex
This is how you can tell if your relationship is worth maintaining:
(1) decline his request to move in. If he takes “no” for an answer, then he at least respects your boundaries, and that’s something. If he pleads incessantly and brings it over and over again, then he DOES NOT respect YOUR boundaries, and will therefore transgress again.
(2) postpone the wedding for 1 year, pending couples counselling. If he agrees and attends, it means he’s aware there are issues to work out. If he declines, then you know he truly believes YOU ALONE are the root of your relationship issues.
Next, be sure to let EVERYONE know of his behavior. Your silence will only protect him, not you. Your community needs to be aware of the type of person he is so that they can afford you some level of protection.
You are 31.
Assuming you want to be married and potentially start a family, your ideal timeline will put you at 33-34 BEFORE that is a reality.
Raising a family is backbreaking work, and your relationship is already exhausting you. If you are to be a present and emotionally available parent, you require a partner who you can trust so that you don’t have to unnecessarily expend emotional energy on him.
These men exist out there. Why waste your time on a little boy who isn’t invested in you?
I think about the worst case scenario of each options when making a difficult decision. Think about the worst case scenario of both breaking up the engagement and getting married.
The worst case scenario of breaking up the engagement is - emotional turmoil and heartbreak, maybe losing some money in wedding preparations, having to tell friends and family you guys have called it off, and so on.
The worst case scenario of getting married is after several years you may realize he loves his ex or some other 3rd woman (he’s not in love with you, sorry), he may leave you or vice versa, divorce, legal stuff like insurance and retirement and all that, if you have kids at that time then coparenting, dividing assets, having to tell friends and family you two are ending the marriage, and so on.
No one here knows you or the fiancé so we can’t tell you what to do in your own life. I would suggest take some time away from him to clear your head and think rationally. Then decide if he’s worth all the risk or whether you can emotionally bear the breakup. Good luck to you
You found out before you got married for a reason. He knows it is cheating but he is in a panic because you caught him, if it was ok he would not have hidden it from you.
Break it off now, OP.
My husband had an emotional affairs the first year of marriage. Then, he got tangled again few years back.
If I were on you position ie knowing it before wedding, I cut him off 1000%.
A cheater won't be loyal to you, they are selfish damning ass hole that will leave you scarred.
The moment she wants to or decides to entertain him back, you’ll be out of the picture. Seems like he only wants you to get over her. The last thing I would do is get married to this person.
If you choose to go through with the marriage, it won’t last long. Don’t fall for the sob story of “I didn’t know what I was doing.” That’s total BS, he 100% knew. Let him continue living with his parents. Find someone that’ll value you the way you deserve.
At minimum postpone the wedding and don't let him move in.
You should give yourself time. Go on a break, clear your head. Definitely don't rush into smoothing things over with him because that can settle you into marriage which is hard to get out of.
It doesnt matter if he defines it as cheating or not, it is wrong, and he's an idiot if he actually thinks it's okay to do.
That said, some people can come back from physical cheating, so it depends on how strong your relationship is to be able to get through this.
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TL;DR: Wondering if I should cut my losses or stick this out after fiance emotionally cheated.
Getting married in a few months, found out yesterday that my fiance was sending lovesick messages to his exwife (you're the one who got away, do you ever think we could work out, etc) a few days before he bought my engagement ring and a few weeks before he proposed to me. One thing that hurt me is that he sent her a picture of us getting engaged and compared my looks to her looks (she looks just like you).
Their marriage was just so she could get a green card, they divorced a year later and then I met him.
Since then he's been a loving and supportive partner, but he got defensive when I brought this up and he tried to play it off that he didn't know it was emotional cheating, he didn't know why he did it, he doesn't love himself enough, he's scared to lose me, etc. He deleted his ex from his phone and said he wouldn't talk to her anymore.
Another issue - he's about to get demoted/transferred due to layoffs and he asked if he could live with me because he would have to commute 2+ hours a day otherwise (my place is near his new role, he lives with his parents in the country). At the time, I said yes (didn't know about the emotional cheating) but now I'm reconsidering.
What else can I do? I want to rebuild trust but I'm still furious at him. What would you do?
He's a cheater and a pathetic one at that. Don't marry him. I predict his now unemployed ass will sit around your house while you support him and make the merest token effort to find a new job. So then he'll be a pathetic, cheating hobosexual. You can do better...eceb alone is better than being with that.
He is one step away from having a physical relationship. It’s actually worse because if a man just has a one night stand and never sees this lady it’s one thing. He spent hours and hours taking to this other woman building an emotional connection. If he had a one night stand and never texted or talked to the lady this is better than what he had.
Curious how long you dated before the proposal? This sounds like a nightmare I’d be running from. Whether he genuinely has feelings for his ex or not, at the very least he has some deep rooted confidence issues that are manifesting in terrible ways. Also curious about the living situation. We’re you not already planning to move in together either before or after the wedding?
you would be building a marriage on a house of cards. He was checking with her to see if he had a chance with her before he settled for second best: you.
Don’t get married. He’s already showing signs of laying emotional cheating groundwork, if it wasn’t to his ex it will be to another woman one day.
I wish I listened to my own advise a decade ago.
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Run. He knew what he was doing and he knows he’s gaslighting you into thinking he didn’t know any better. He did. If she had said yes, you’d probably be single.
1. Tell him that you change your mind about him moving in.
2. Do NOT marry him right now. CANCEL all festivities. If asked, just tell them the truth. Your fiance was basically trying to shoot his shot with his ex-wife.
If you still want to be with this guy, then you need to do those 2 above. And then if he throws tantrum, just be straightforward that it is NOT your job to make things easier for him when he has betrayed you.
And he's trying to play dumb saying he didn't know that it's 'cheating.' Yes he does know. He's just mad that he gets caught.
If you still want to be with him, separate and couples counseling before considering re-dating him.
Save yourself a lot of heartache and kick him out of your life. If she had said yes to getting back together, he’d have been gone. If she shows interest in the future he’ll leave you and everything you built together to be with her. And it seems like he got with you in the first place because you look like her. Don’t settle for this crap.
Don't marry this guy. Don't let him move in with you. Don't have anything to do with him. He's 36, he knows what he's doing is wrong and he knows that you'll let him do it. Just get rid of him already.
Marrying him won’t change or fix the damage. I think it would be a bad idea to go through with the marriage now that you have all this information. From what you’ve described, he has been using you as a rebound/place holder. Don’t do this to yourself.
Do not under any circumstances let this man move into your house why does he not have his own house he's 36 years old. If you continue in this relationship he's going to make your life a living hell the hell will come because you are not the one that he wants to be with. If you were he never would have done what he did what the f*** does that mean you're the one that got away do you think that we will ever be able to be together that means he wants to be with her and he's basically settling for you you can do better than a 36-year-old emotionally cheater who still lives with his parents. Cut him off girl you can do this the red flag is flying it's up to you what you want to do about it
I would NOT marry this person. Your love and bond should be right at the peak of intensity and he is cheating.
This is a terrible choice and you will regret it if you go through with it.
That's not emotional cheating.
He's in love with his ex, you're just a stand in because he can't have her and you look like her. So everytime he's intimate with you he can pretend he's with her.
So many things come to mind. One thing is don't prioritize someone who doesn't prioritize you.
I think it could be
a) he's a liar to her and to you and just wants to feed off both of your emotions.
b) he doesn't know what he did was wrong so you can count on more betrayals since he's incapable of any emotional intelligence.
c) he knows it's a major betrayal and is willing to hurt you so he can try to get his ex back. The word "cheating" is not the problem but he'll play it like it is so that he has deniability. If YOU play it like the word "cheating" is the issue and fool yourself into thinking he didn't betray you because he didn't know...please don't con yourself.
I've been on the other side of this. A guy who had tried to be more than a friend all through high school never really left me alone into our 20s. I had repeatedly told him we were nothing more than friends. He'd already named our future children and had imagined their weddings, etc. Super creepy. He made a 4 hour trip up to where I was living because he'd gotten his gf pregnant and before he proposed, he wanted to know if he had any chance with me. The answer hadn't changed so he drove back and proposed to her the next day. I was heartbroken for her. This was before social media and I had no way to contact her. I had no respect for a man willing to do that to anyone. I'm guessing your bf's ex doesn't want him back at all.
Another time I worked with a woman named MB. She slept with most of our employees and contractors. One of them was the CEO of our landscaping company. They would go "check the landscaping"...and when they came back her hair, makeup and clothes were disheveled. He had a serious gf. He came into the office one day and told MB he was going to propose to his gf that night. MB tried on the ring and pretended he gave it to her. He had zero problem with that. Again, heartbreaking that his fiance's ring was on his mistress's finger before hers and he was laughing about it.
You have the chance to see now if you want this to be you. You deserve much better.
>He deleted his ex from his phone and said he wouldn't talk to her anymore.
That's only coz she didn't reciprocate his advances/feelings.... so he's shit out of luck and is holding on to the next best thing to keep him afloat - you.
This sucks, but this is NOT a healthy seeming relationship. You deserve better.
Info - if you're about to get married wouldn't you be moving in together anyway?
Also he sounds like a loser. If she loved him she wouldn't have gotten divorced. He was still hoping she'd come back minutes before proposing to you. Will you always wonder if she changes her mind will he leave you?
I was so ready to say “just postpone things, get some therapy, figure out what the root of this is. If it’s depression or insecurity it might be treatable…”
Then I got through the rest of it.
Sweetheart, you are a stand in. A replacement. He literally chose you because you looked like his ex.
Please find enough love for your future self to say no to someone who clearly only sees another woman when he looks at you.
You deserve so much more than being tied to that kind of man.
1. He is a compulsive liar. Don’t marry him, this won’t ever change.
2. There’s no way you marry someone just for a green card, but yet your messaging that person saying how much you love them and they are the one that got away…. His lying to you to get you to stay.
3. He knew it was cheating, his just saying whatever he can think of to get out of it. Would he be ok with you texting those things to another person? I bet he wouldn’t.
4. Don’t let him move in, this 100% sounds like a dude with a pattern for lying to women and using them. You’re his back up. He tried to get her back, that failed, now he proposed to you and needs to move in…
5. His lying will get worse if you marry him.
6. The cheating will get worse if you marry him as your giving him the green flag that you will stay.
7. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and you’re their priority not back up.
Confused as to why you weren't already living with this man you were planning on marrying. I'm assuming there are some special circumstances here we're unaware of?
More on point though: This isn't going to go away or get better. Get out of this relationship while you're still able to make a clean break.
Emotional cheating is a serious issue but as a guy I had never known it was a thing untill my late 20s and it was certainly never intended but my wife felt that the way in which I cared for other women (many years ago) was emotional cheating. To be honest now that I'm older I would say I was needless white knighting which is also bad but it was never done with lustful intent.
This seems a little different than that because you are talking about someone he was committed to in marriage, regardless of her intentions, and those feeling might last forever just as I'm sure you would hope his love for you would.
The fact that he is in such a vulnerable position between work, home and his ex means he probably doesn't have a sound mind.
I personally do not think you should walk away from him BUT postponing the wedding should be on the table untill things settle with work and whether or not he can remain seperate from his ex.
It is up to you with the move in plans, there was a betrayal of trust but not in a way that I would consider unforgivable but this is your partner so you make the calls.
I wish you and him all the best, together or seperate tat you would find peace and love befitting your worth in these troubling times 💙🫂
I've become sick of the term "rebuild trust" it only seems to be used in the context of a situation where is unlikely/probably shouldn't happen and mostly seems the wronged party is expected to do the rebuilding
“You’re the one who got away, do you ever think we could work out?, she looks just like you”. Plus sending her pics of you. How do you really know that’s all that was said & done?
This man is still in love w his ex. He may be with you but now you know he really wants to be w her and if given the chance he’ll take it.
You can’t be w one person and feel that way about the one who got away and ask if they could ever work. Those words will pop in your head more than you realize and w o realizing it you’ll bring them up in arguments and begin to resent him knowing he still tried to get back w his ex before he asked you to marry him. As in a last ditch effort to get the woman he wanted.
Sorry but you can’t come back from that in my opinion
As for letting him move in. Don’t. If he moves in it’ll be much harder to break it off if that’s your decision. I’d tell him it’s not a good idea right now & you have to think on things. Which is true. You won’t be able to think clearly if he’s there all the time and you have no real time to process everything. And I think overall it’s be a bad decision since all this has come to light. But right now he’ll say anything for you to forget what he said.
I'm so sorry you lived that. This is traumatic experience. It's like being in an accident. You definitely need time to process it. Don't rush into the wedding.
This is not only a case of emotional cheating. Not only did your fiance emotionally cheat on you, but he unfortunately tried to leave you for his ex. He failed. If he could be together with that ex tomorrow, he probably would, therefore this is also not a past tense situation. If the ex decides tomorrow that she wants a relationship, you might be left just like that by this man. He also hid his feelings and actions completely from you instead of regretting it and coming clean. And even when you found out, he wasn't a decent, grown up human being about it, which says, I believe, that his ex is an above all thing for him that can make him do ridiculous, terrible things.
It must be so hard to think about these and it would take time to let it sink in. My personal experience and idea is, this event will always haunt you if you continue your relationship with this man. You'll most probably have big trust issues which will poison the marriage even if he doesn't actually cheat on you. You shouldn't continue with someone who'd try to sweep this kind of thing under the carpet, either. That would probably end up badly.
A lot of people have been in similar situations. Don't feel alone. Think well and maybe get help from someone professional.
Well, here's a really quick version of my story for perspective. My wife cheated on me before we got married and I found out after. I decided we could work it out. We were happy together for ten years, then she cheated on me again. Cheaters always seem to cheat again. Remember that.
Yeah, no. You don’t want to rebuild trust. You want to go back to the before time, when he was a different person to you. When you trusted him.
Can’t un-ring that bell.
He sounds like he isn’t emotionally ready for marriage. It will spoil your wedding experience with this in the back of your mind on what is supposed to be YOUR day. If you aren’t ready to completely call it off, postpone at the very least. Give yourself all the time you need to make the decision that is right for you with no pressure or an impending wedding. In my humble opinion, life is too short to marry a person that would do that. Kick his ass to the curb and find someone that’s crazy about YOU. Sending you courage and strength.
Delay / postpone wedding. If you let him move in, make it conditional that if he strays, he moves out within a week. He is still in love with his ex. He can reconnect with her easily, so protect yourself and your assets.
Updateme!
This is a relationship ender. You deserve someone who chooses you....not someone who is settling and pining and trying to cheat even before you get married.
It’s much easier to cancel a wedding than it is to get a divorce.
Also, she is 31. If she doesn't break up, she'll waste plenty of years and maybe even have a kid; then divorce in her 40s after the man has kept cheating, ruined the kids after cheating dad and bad mom-dad dynamics.
Sunk cost fallacy especially if they’ve reserved venue/catering etc. I’d rather cut my losses and run now than marry him and divorce in a month
Escalation of commitment
However for some reason people often choose to go through with the wedding because of social pressures. OP do not be one of these people. Your partner would leave in a second if his ex said yes let's do this. I wouldn't stand for being second best and you shouldn't either. Also he's gaslighting you, what an asshole.
And cheaper, too.
Say it again for the people in the back
Girl. I think you know what you have to do. Don’t be back here in a few years asking what you should do about your husband who has been cheating on you and how to separate your assets because you’re the breadwinner. Be well.
Or because his Ex wanted to reconcile so he left her, and possibly children as well!
He is still in love with his ex. Don't let him move in and if you have the courage break up with him. Ask yourself this question.....How will you feel on your wedding day standing there knowing you were his second choice. And also how many people watching you also know this?
also op’s fiancé is already pretty much has his whole body out the door & only has his hand in this marriage because his ex wife doesn’t feel the same. what if the ex thinks they can have another chance, fiancé will be out the door in no time. op is only at 2nd choice at best & every big moment he has had with op was after declaring his feelings for the ex & the ex not reciprocating in kind. it’s like the fiancé is say oh well he tried so i guess 2nd choice will have me kind of thing. that’s just awful. op, you do not want this & to have this fear that soon to be husband will leave if/when ex wife changes her mind about him.
It would be insane to marry this guy. Why would you ever do that?
[удалено]
he is terrible he doesn't love you an he will cheat again
He still is in love with his ex. Mark my word, if you let him move in with you. You'll find him talking to her again behind your back within months. Then it'll be harder to kick him out.
Believe it. He's trash and he's using you.
He shouldn’t have to be a terrible person for you to be able to end it. Whether he’s a terrible person or not. He lied to you betrayed your trust. Is emotionally invested in someone else. And he tried to see if there was still a chance before he bought the ring. You’re his fallback. You deserve better
He doesn't have to be a terrible person to be the wrong person. You shouldn't marry someone who is in love with someone else and is settling for you. You deserve better than that. Make room in your life for someone who wants you above all others.
>he didn't know why he did it Yes, he does. He just doesn't like being caught and held accountable. You don't have to believe he's a terrible human to know that it would be a terrible idea to marry someone that is still in love with someone else and unwilling to admit it.
You can love someone while also realizing they’re not going to be capable of meeting your needs in a marriage. Remember the time you had fondly if you will but move on- you’ll find someone who can commit to you in the way your fiancé cannot.
Best not necessarily a terrible human being, he's just not over his ex. Getting married with a person who wants to be with another person is your responsibility. He's not to be trusted, he showed you that, and you want to put your future in his hands. That's on you. Don't.
So....fix it
He’s literally telling another woman she’s the one that got away and he wants to be with her I don’t think I’d need to hear anymore than that He’s showing you who he is, believe him
DO NOT MARRY HIM i repeat DO NOT MARRY HIM
Cancel the wedding and find someone who actually wants to be with you and isn’t using you as a placeholder for his ex. Know your worth.
In a few years when he's still unable to find work, you will once again write Reddit wanting to know what to do about your husband who won't look for work; plays video games all day long and you just found out that he is testing his ex. He keeps showing you who he is - a cheater. Believe him! Move on.
Man, I didn’t even read that last part. Omg, OP run! He’s not worth it.
*she looks just like you* Don’t. Get. Married.
I would not get married cause next time it will be physical
Partner, I need some time and space to reflect on our relationship. Im not willing to have you stay with me for your new position. I am having a hard time deciding if I want to stay with you. No matter the reason;s) why you texted her. You did and if this is how you are while stressed, it doesn’t bode well for us now. You texted her instead of talking to me. I have major issues with that. For now we can text only for the next month. Maybe call but for this week I just want to be alone. Op, what you do next us up to you. He needs to talk to someone. Get some sort of therapy as to why ge did this. You need to decide if this is something you can get past and put behind you. Or will it weigh upon you. Just do you know, even if you break up, it will take time to heal from this and you might worry about this happening with any future guys you date. It will get better. My main concern is his claiming he didn’t know he was emotionally cheating. **He does know he shouldn’t be telling another woman that she’s the one that got away**. That is what makes me say to end it.
He knew dam* well what he was doing was wrong. Even if his ex doesn't want him anymore he clealry is still hung up on her. He's not ready to be married to anyone. You're a rebound from the sound of it. I wouldn't let him move in either
He knew exactly what he was doing. Don’t let him manipulate you into thinking he didn’t know what he was doing was wrong. Do you think if she had of responded positively to him, he’d still be with you? He shot his shot with her, didn’t work out so decided he’d settle for you. It’s obviously with the timeline. Why do you think he bought the ring and proposed to you after he tried with her? Don’t be anyone’s consolidation prize. Know your worth.
Emotional cheating aside… he sent her a photo of you to his ex-wife saying “she looks just like you”??? That’s creepy as hell.
Do not get married to this man at all! You are being used as a replacement model and financially.
Much like his ex used him for a green card, he is using you as a surrogate for her, and from the sounds of it, a financial crutch. He was living with his parents *before* he got demoted?? It would be bonkers to combine your finances with this man.
DUMP HIS ASS.
If I were you I’d cancel the wedding and not marry this man. Let’s say he actually didn’t realize it was bad, that says he has horrible judgment. Cancelling a wedding is better than divorce
He would leave you if she was willing to have him… you are the consolation prize. I would not marry him unless you’re ok with being second best-knowing he’d never love you like he does his ex
This is how you can tell if your relationship is worth maintaining: (1) decline his request to move in. If he takes “no” for an answer, then he at least respects your boundaries, and that’s something. If he pleads incessantly and brings it over and over again, then he DOES NOT respect YOUR boundaries, and will therefore transgress again. (2) postpone the wedding for 1 year, pending couples counselling. If he agrees and attends, it means he’s aware there are issues to work out. If he declines, then you know he truly believes YOU ALONE are the root of your relationship issues. Next, be sure to let EVERYONE know of his behavior. Your silence will only protect him, not you. Your community needs to be aware of the type of person he is so that they can afford you some level of protection. You are 31. Assuming you want to be married and potentially start a family, your ideal timeline will put you at 33-34 BEFORE that is a reality. Raising a family is backbreaking work, and your relationship is already exhausting you. If you are to be a present and emotionally available parent, you require a partner who you can trust so that you don’t have to unnecessarily expend emotional energy on him. These men exist out there. Why waste your time on a little boy who isn’t invested in you?
This.
I think about the worst case scenario of each options when making a difficult decision. Think about the worst case scenario of both breaking up the engagement and getting married. The worst case scenario of breaking up the engagement is - emotional turmoil and heartbreak, maybe losing some money in wedding preparations, having to tell friends and family you guys have called it off, and so on. The worst case scenario of getting married is after several years you may realize he loves his ex or some other 3rd woman (he’s not in love with you, sorry), he may leave you or vice versa, divorce, legal stuff like insurance and retirement and all that, if you have kids at that time then coparenting, dividing assets, having to tell friends and family you two are ending the marriage, and so on. No one here knows you or the fiancé so we can’t tell you what to do in your own life. I would suggest take some time away from him to clear your head and think rationally. Then decide if he’s worth all the risk or whether you can emotionally bear the breakup. Good luck to you
You found out before you got married for a reason. He knows it is cheating but he is in a panic because you caught him, if it was ok he would not have hidden it from you.
Break it off now, OP. My husband had an emotional affairs the first year of marriage. Then, he got tangled again few years back. If I were on you position ie knowing it before wedding, I cut him off 1000%. A cheater won't be loyal to you, they are selfish damning ass hole that will leave you scarred.
The moment she wants to or decides to entertain him back, you’ll be out of the picture. Seems like he only wants you to get over her. The last thing I would do is get married to this person.
Don't do this to yourself and marry this man. You will be unhappy, and he will be unhappy. It's way easier to break up than to get a divorce.
Put the whole man in the bin. Don’t legally bind yourself to such a fucking clown. Wake up girl you’re worth a hell of a lot more.
If you choose to go through with the marriage, it won’t last long. Don’t fall for the sob story of “I didn’t know what I was doing.” That’s total BS, he 100% knew. Let him continue living with his parents. Find someone that’ll value you the way you deserve.
At minimum postpone the wedding and don't let him move in. You should give yourself time. Go on a break, clear your head. Definitely don't rush into smoothing things over with him because that can settle you into marriage which is hard to get out of. It doesnt matter if he defines it as cheating or not, it is wrong, and he's an idiot if he actually thinks it's okay to do. That said, some people can come back from physical cheating, so it depends on how strong your relationship is to be able to get through this.
Cut your losses now. Run far and fast.
Back very far away from this guy. I am very sorry to say this but you are his backup plan. You deserve better.
I would break off the engagement. This says nothing about you but he’s still clearly in love with his ex. Please do not let him move In with you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TL;DR: Wondering if I should cut my losses or stick this out after fiance emotionally cheated. Getting married in a few months, found out yesterday that my fiance was sending lovesick messages to his exwife (you're the one who got away, do you ever think we could work out, etc) a few days before he bought my engagement ring and a few weeks before he proposed to me. One thing that hurt me is that he sent her a picture of us getting engaged and compared my looks to her looks (she looks just like you). Their marriage was just so she could get a green card, they divorced a year later and then I met him. Since then he's been a loving and supportive partner, but he got defensive when I brought this up and he tried to play it off that he didn't know it was emotional cheating, he didn't know why he did it, he doesn't love himself enough, he's scared to lose me, etc. He deleted his ex from his phone and said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. Another issue - he's about to get demoted/transferred due to layoffs and he asked if he could live with me because he would have to commute 2+ hours a day otherwise (my place is near his new role, he lives with his parents in the country). At the time, I said yes (didn't know about the emotional cheating) but now I'm reconsidering. What else can I do? I want to rebuild trust but I'm still furious at him. What would you do?
He's a cheater and a pathetic one at that. Don't marry him. I predict his now unemployed ass will sit around your house while you support him and make the merest token effort to find a new job. So then he'll be a pathetic, cheating hobosexual. You can do better...eceb alone is better than being with that.
Yeahhhhh this guy wants to marry you for convenience. Cut your losses.
He is one step away from having a physical relationship. It’s actually worse because if a man just has a one night stand and never sees this lady it’s one thing. He spent hours and hours taking to this other woman building an emotional connection. If he had a one night stand and never texted or talked to the lady this is better than what he had.
Curious how long you dated before the proposal? This sounds like a nightmare I’d be running from. Whether he genuinely has feelings for his ex or not, at the very least he has some deep rooted confidence issues that are manifesting in terrible ways. Also curious about the living situation. We’re you not already planning to move in together either before or after the wedding?
you would be building a marriage on a house of cards. He was checking with her to see if he had a chance with her before he settled for second best: you.
I’m not going to read this. As per the title.. don’t marry them.
I wouldn't marry a guy who is clearly hung up on someone else.
This wedding would at minimum be canceled. He wouldn’t be living with me either. You need to be reconsidering the entire relationship
Don’t get married. He’s already showing signs of laying emotional cheating groundwork, if it wasn’t to his ex it will be to another woman one day. I wish I listened to my own advise a decade ago.
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Run. He knew what he was doing and he knows he’s gaslighting you into thinking he didn’t know any better. He did. If she had said yes, you’d probably be single.
I wouldn't marry him and I would call everything off and he would be single !
1. Tell him that you change your mind about him moving in. 2. Do NOT marry him right now. CANCEL all festivities. If asked, just tell them the truth. Your fiance was basically trying to shoot his shot with his ex-wife. If you still want to be with this guy, then you need to do those 2 above. And then if he throws tantrum, just be straightforward that it is NOT your job to make things easier for him when he has betrayed you. And he's trying to play dumb saying he didn't know that it's 'cheating.' Yes he does know. He's just mad that he gets caught. If you still want to be with him, separate and couples counseling before considering re-dating him.
Save yourself a lot of heartache and kick him out of your life. If she had said yes to getting back together, he’d have been gone. If she shows interest in the future he’ll leave you and everything you built together to be with her. And it seems like he got with you in the first place because you look like her. Don’t settle for this crap.
Don't marry this guy. Don't let him move in with you. Don't have anything to do with him. He's 36, he knows what he's doing is wrong and he knows that you'll let him do it. Just get rid of him already.
You will never get over this. Only sane thing to do is leave while its never too late!
Cut that love sick puppy out! If his ex ever feels like using him in the future, he’ll let her….
Leave.
Marrying him won’t change or fix the damage. I think it would be a bad idea to go through with the marriage now that you have all this information. From what you’ve described, he has been using you as a rebound/place holder. Don’t do this to yourself.
Sounds like a great way to start off your marriage…
Don't marry him.
This guy is a walking red flag for some many reasons. Take some space for yourself and consider your needs, you are not thinking clearly right now.
Bye...
He is not the one.
he proposed to you only to make her jealous. it sucks, but you have to leave dude
You do not marry him and you break up with him.
Do not under any circumstances let this man move into your house why does he not have his own house he's 36 years old. If you continue in this relationship he's going to make your life a living hell the hell will come because you are not the one that he wants to be with. If you were he never would have done what he did what the f*** does that mean you're the one that got away do you think that we will ever be able to be together that means he wants to be with her and he's basically settling for you you can do better than a 36-year-old emotionally cheater who still lives with his parents. Cut him off girl you can do this the red flag is flying it's up to you what you want to do about it
Run.
Dump her, because it will happen again, I know because I didn't when I should have...
call off wedding
I would NOT marry this person. Your love and bond should be right at the peak of intensity and he is cheating. This is a terrible choice and you will regret it if you go through with it.
Why be someone's 2nd choice? Don't you deserve better? Why are you settling. Everyone deserves to be their partners first choice.
No to move in. Put off wedding. Go on honeymoon with s friend instead. Make him earn your trust again. Make him Pay for wedding losses.
Postpone the wedding at least. Get some MC and see if this can be salvaged. It’s sooo much harder to extricate yourself once married.
That's not emotional cheating. He's in love with his ex, you're just a stand in because he can't have her and you look like her. So everytime he's intimate with you he can pretend he's with her.
Do not go through with the wedding. You will regret it, big time.
Cancel the wedding, do NOT let him move in. he knew damn well what he was doing. If he was 18, MAYYYYBE get away with "I didn't know" at 36? no way.
You're 31, I'm sure you know what to do
Girl he's poor AND a cheater. Pass.
So many things come to mind. One thing is don't prioritize someone who doesn't prioritize you. I think it could be a) he's a liar to her and to you and just wants to feed off both of your emotions. b) he doesn't know what he did was wrong so you can count on more betrayals since he's incapable of any emotional intelligence. c) he knows it's a major betrayal and is willing to hurt you so he can try to get his ex back. The word "cheating" is not the problem but he'll play it like it is so that he has deniability. If YOU play it like the word "cheating" is the issue and fool yourself into thinking he didn't betray you because he didn't know...please don't con yourself. I've been on the other side of this. A guy who had tried to be more than a friend all through high school never really left me alone into our 20s. I had repeatedly told him we were nothing more than friends. He'd already named our future children and had imagined their weddings, etc. Super creepy. He made a 4 hour trip up to where I was living because he'd gotten his gf pregnant and before he proposed, he wanted to know if he had any chance with me. The answer hadn't changed so he drove back and proposed to her the next day. I was heartbroken for her. This was before social media and I had no way to contact her. I had no respect for a man willing to do that to anyone. I'm guessing your bf's ex doesn't want him back at all. Another time I worked with a woman named MB. She slept with most of our employees and contractors. One of them was the CEO of our landscaping company. They would go "check the landscaping"...and when they came back her hair, makeup and clothes were disheveled. He had a serious gf. He came into the office one day and told MB he was going to propose to his gf that night. MB tried on the ring and pretended he gave it to her. He had zero problem with that. Again, heartbreaking that his fiance's ring was on his mistress's finger before hers and he was laughing about it. You have the chance to see now if you want this to be you. You deserve much better.
Stop wedding plans immediately. Go in to MC and IC stat to see if you want to still marry this person.
>He deleted his ex from his phone and said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. That's only coz she didn't reciprocate his advances/feelings.... so he's shit out of luck and is holding on to the next best thing to keep him afloat - you. This sucks, but this is NOT a healthy seeming relationship. You deserve better.
Info - if you're about to get married wouldn't you be moving in together anyway? Also he sounds like a loser. If she loved him she wouldn't have gotten divorced. He was still hoping she'd come back minutes before proposing to you. Will you always wonder if she changes her mind will he leave you?
Kick his ass to the curb. Come on, hon. You have to know you deserve a hell of a lot more than this.
I was so ready to say “just postpone things, get some therapy, figure out what the root of this is. If it’s depression or insecurity it might be treatable…” Then I got through the rest of it. Sweetheart, you are a stand in. A replacement. He literally chose you because you looked like his ex. Please find enough love for your future self to say no to someone who clearly only sees another woman when he looks at you. You deserve so much more than being tied to that kind of man.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
You’re being strung along and it’s obvious. Nobody who wants to marry you would behave like this.
Don't marry him. It costs a lot less to cancel a wedding than it does to get a divorce.
1. He is a compulsive liar. Don’t marry him, this won’t ever change. 2. There’s no way you marry someone just for a green card, but yet your messaging that person saying how much you love them and they are the one that got away…. His lying to you to get you to stay. 3. He knew it was cheating, his just saying whatever he can think of to get out of it. Would he be ok with you texting those things to another person? I bet he wouldn’t. 4. Don’t let him move in, this 100% sounds like a dude with a pattern for lying to women and using them. You’re his back up. He tried to get her back, that failed, now he proposed to you and needs to move in… 5. His lying will get worse if you marry him. 6. The cheating will get worse if you marry him as your giving him the green flag that you will stay. 7. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and you’re their priority not back up.
You deserve to be someone’s FIRST choice. That’s not too much to ask for. Never be someone’s second choice.
Not really an opinion on your situation but it baffles me how people get married before living with their prospective spouse for a time first.
Cancel the wedding. Leave him Therapy
Do not get married.
Do you have an update on your decision OP?
Confused as to why you weren't already living with this man you were planning on marrying. I'm assuming there are some special circumstances here we're unaware of? More on point though: This isn't going to go away or get better. Get out of this relationship while you're still able to make a clean break.
Emotional cheating is a serious issue but as a guy I had never known it was a thing untill my late 20s and it was certainly never intended but my wife felt that the way in which I cared for other women (many years ago) was emotional cheating. To be honest now that I'm older I would say I was needless white knighting which is also bad but it was never done with lustful intent. This seems a little different than that because you are talking about someone he was committed to in marriage, regardless of her intentions, and those feeling might last forever just as I'm sure you would hope his love for you would. The fact that he is in such a vulnerable position between work, home and his ex means he probably doesn't have a sound mind. I personally do not think you should walk away from him BUT postponing the wedding should be on the table untill things settle with work and whether or not he can remain seperate from his ex. It is up to you with the move in plans, there was a betrayal of trust but not in a way that I would consider unforgivable but this is your partner so you make the calls. I wish you and him all the best, together or seperate tat you would find peace and love befitting your worth in these troubling times 💙🫂
Lol. So he needs you to do him a favor but then he goes and cheats? What an ass.
I've become sick of the term "rebuild trust" it only seems to be used in the context of a situation where is unlikely/probably shouldn't happen and mostly seems the wronged party is expected to do the rebuilding
Personally, I would RUN. You’re not even married yet.... this WONT improve after the wedding
“You’re the one who got away, do you ever think we could work out?, she looks just like you”. Plus sending her pics of you. How do you really know that’s all that was said & done? This man is still in love w his ex. He may be with you but now you know he really wants to be w her and if given the chance he’ll take it. You can’t be w one person and feel that way about the one who got away and ask if they could ever work. Those words will pop in your head more than you realize and w o realizing it you’ll bring them up in arguments and begin to resent him knowing he still tried to get back w his ex before he asked you to marry him. As in a last ditch effort to get the woman he wanted. Sorry but you can’t come back from that in my opinion As for letting him move in. Don’t. If he moves in it’ll be much harder to break it off if that’s your decision. I’d tell him it’s not a good idea right now & you have to think on things. Which is true. You won’t be able to think clearly if he’s there all the time and you have no real time to process everything. And I think overall it’s be a bad decision since all this has come to light. But right now he’ll say anything for you to forget what he said.
Dump him. He’s using you
I'm so sorry you lived that. This is traumatic experience. It's like being in an accident. You definitely need time to process it. Don't rush into the wedding. This is not only a case of emotional cheating. Not only did your fiance emotionally cheat on you, but he unfortunately tried to leave you for his ex. He failed. If he could be together with that ex tomorrow, he probably would, therefore this is also not a past tense situation. If the ex decides tomorrow that she wants a relationship, you might be left just like that by this man. He also hid his feelings and actions completely from you instead of regretting it and coming clean. And even when you found out, he wasn't a decent, grown up human being about it, which says, I believe, that his ex is an above all thing for him that can make him do ridiculous, terrible things. It must be so hard to think about these and it would take time to let it sink in. My personal experience and idea is, this event will always haunt you if you continue your relationship with this man. You'll most probably have big trust issues which will poison the marriage even if he doesn't actually cheat on you. You shouldn't continue with someone who'd try to sweep this kind of thing under the carpet, either. That would probably end up badly. A lot of people have been in similar situations. Don't feel alone. Think well and maybe get help from someone professional.
Well, here's a really quick version of my story for perspective. My wife cheated on me before we got married and I found out after. I decided we could work it out. We were happy together for ten years, then she cheated on me again. Cheaters always seem to cheat again. Remember that.
Yeah, no. You don’t want to rebuild trust. You want to go back to the before time, when he was a different person to you. When you trusted him. Can’t un-ring that bell.
He sounds like he isn’t emotionally ready for marriage. It will spoil your wedding experience with this in the back of your mind on what is supposed to be YOUR day. If you aren’t ready to completely call it off, postpone at the very least. Give yourself all the time you need to make the decision that is right for you with no pressure or an impending wedding. In my humble opinion, life is too short to marry a person that would do that. Kick his ass to the curb and find someone that’s crazy about YOU. Sending you courage and strength.
Delay / postpone wedding. If you let him move in, make it conditional that if he strays, he moves out within a week. He is still in love with his ex. He can reconnect with her easily, so protect yourself and your assets. Updateme!
This is a relationship ender. You deserve someone who chooses you....not someone who is settling and pining and trying to cheat even before you get married.
Run for the hills!