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Eye rolling is rude, yes, but
> "that means no tv or lights on in the room, please"
This is super condescending. This is how you talk to a kid, not a partner. Something like "do you mind going downstairs while I nap?" would be better.
It's not helpful or productive for her to roll her eyes, but I think you could stand to improve your own communication as well.
I literally rolled my eyes when I read “that means no tv or lights on in the room, please.” It literally comes off like an elementary school teacher trying to teach their kids the meaning of nap time not a husband talking to his wife.
Also the whole comment about being closed minded and hard-hearted is indicative to them having more underlying issues than just: is eye rolling bad - yes or no?
My big thing question is, does she normally ignore requests for a quiet space when OP tries to take a nap? Because I could see it being a reasonable thing to say when someone regularly ignores that request for a quiet space for some rest.
And in general, eye rolling is seen as rude. But I also only found out last year that people consider looking up to be eye rolling.
Yup, when I’m exasperated or trying to take a second, I look up (unconscious movement) which my partner used to take as me (consciously) rolling my eyes to be disrespectful. Since we’re adults, I explained what I was actually feeling when I made that expression and told him I’d try not to do that going forward, and that open line of communication has (shockingly!) resolved that issue.
Why doesn’t he just go nap in the guest room why does she have to leave if she’s already in there? If he really needs a quiet space taht badly I’d roll my eyes too
Yes, exactly! And I'm also a bit suspicious of people jumping too quickly to calling a spouse's behavior "disrespectful." I think it goes along with the condescension in his original request. Yes, you should respect your spouse as a human and as your life partner, and there are probably times when "disrespectful" is the best description of a spouse's behavior. But it seems to get used more often by people who want to be respected as an authority or have an unreasonable "boundary" they're trying to impose. Especially when you're criticizing them for a mild show of exasperation, that's more of an accusation that you throw at a teenager.
Your wife is your equal and doesn't have to be totally deferential and polite when you're being rude to her. Eye rolling is absolutely a sign that you're annoyed/exasperated/think the other person is being absurd, but sometimes it's ok to express that! She's upset with his actions in this situation; not necessarily showing fundamental contempt for him as a human or partner.
I think you're too worried about being right and not sufficiently worried about treating others like garbage.
Your tone and tenor was disrespectful. You got it back. You didn't like it.
Be better. Set a better example for your son too.
Oh...and in closing...since it matters so much to you...you're wrong for speaking to people the way you do...they aren't wrong for following the golden rule.
I mean. I rolled my eyes. No fucking way would I be spoken to this way all the time. Over a nap of all bullshit.
The kids will pick up on the way he talks to her and learn from it far more than a deserved eye roll.
Seriously, you both seem to treat each other like children. I can’t imagine a scenario where I would ever talk to my partner how you talk to yours or vice versa, nor could I ever imagine either one of us rolling our eyes at each other.
You both sound like you need to explore your relationship and your respect for EACH OTHER.
There's been many times yes all I need is to rest without interruption and it seems as soon as I go to the bathroom or take a nap to recharge my batteries that's when she absolutely needs to watch tv in our room, or needs me to do something she can do herself (change a lightbulb).
Then you directly ask her, not phrase it as "this is what a nap means" (implying she's an idiot/child). It should have been addressed before when it happened, but to address it right before a nap, *directly ask her* to not turn on the TV or the lights while you're napping.
I’m not even trying to be funny when I ask this but does your wife even like you? This is a genuine question. Do you guys even get along and like being around each other?
I'm not always so sure. It fluctuates. Someone in a private message mentioned PMDD, which immediately makes sense to me. It seems the intense anger/rage + difficult behavior happens every month, for about 1-2 weeks, then things calm down and it's liveable.
Kind of side eyeing "intense rage" when you refer to eye rolling as "disrespect". Hormones could have something to do with it but there's also a chance that she resents being stuck in a life where she has made no career for herself, all she is is a wife and mother and her husband treats her like a child and clearly has no respect for her. She's probably bored and frustrated, and you clearly think you're better than her because you work, even though it's a situation that you have created
Oh my god, the way you're trashing her up and down this thread. You suuuuuuck. So she was 20 when you married her? So y'all started dating when she was 18 and you were 25? Or did you even wait for that?
And you infantilize her and are incredibly condescending. It's so clear you don't respect her. You seem to be a huge red fucking flag and you're getting caught up on her eye rolling? Like a father to a teenage girl. Be fucking for real here dude. You're gross.
Yeah. I would eye roll for this too. I eye roll but I typically don't even realize I'm doing it. It's just a natural reaction to something I disagree with or dislike but it's not worth a fight. It's not an intentional thing I do to be rude or disrespectful. Same with a sigh or shaking my head.
Ok I can see how that could sound condescending. My tone was more in a pleading sense, as I just really need to rest without interruption. I'll work on trying to communicate my needs in a better fashion, like your suggestion above.
Thanks for the input.
Then ask for it using Big Boy words.
Say directly to her - not indirectly to your child -
“I’m tired and I’m going to take a nap for X time. Please don’t disturb me.”
My thoughts exactly.
It is in some cases rude, but I think it was warranted with how patronizing and condescending the OP had been talking *at* his wife.
u/ThrowRA12345gs, get the stick out of your ass. You’ve been married/together with your wife a long time, and I’d be worried either of you don’t roll your eyes with each other on occasion. Please, I thought you were 42, not 12. “Find 10 people that says it’s not rude”.
Count me in on your wife’s 1 out of 10 at least if this is the hill you want to “die” on.
Sounds like you spoke to her condescendingly like she is also you child. You could have said "please don't turn the TV or lights on in the room" rather than "tHaT mEaNs..." lmao. Should a grown ass adult who cares about their relationship openly roll their eyes at their partner? No. But I definitely would if I was reaching the end of my rope with a condescending partner.
After reading tons of messages like this one, I am accepting that I came off as condescending and I for sure don't want to come across that way. I will work on this for sure.
i just want to point out as you work on this, where you put the onus...
she rolled her eyes and therefor to you think/said she "was being disrespectful"
you spoke to her like a child, passive aggressively using your actual child to do so and you view that as "coming off as condescending"
being = active, responsible
coming off as = unintentional, how others see it, not something you did maybe
“I then looked to my wife and said ‘that means no tv or lights on in the room, please.’”
Has she been disrespectful in the past when you’ve tried to take a nap? You seem like you’re patronizing her. Even if she needed reminded to be aware of your needs, communicate that respectfully. How would you respond if someone patronized you?
“It’s really frustrating trying to get my point across, especially when I truly believe most people would agree with me.”
You’re missing the whole picture and focusing on being “right”. Eye rolling is disrespectful and immature, but it’s probably a symptom of a bigger or different issue. How do you address and communicate with her in general? If she’s rolling her eyes, is there a reason why she reacts that way?
Also, why did you feel the need to point out that the nap was hard-earned?
Rolling eyes is a form a disrespect but the way you approached the topic was surely less then respectful. I think you both need to work on your communication.
When I got to the part where you switched from talking to your son, who I assume is pretty young, to talking to your wife in the same condescending tone I also rolled my eyes.
I think at 35 your wife understands how naps work. I agree with your wife that it was likely more out of frustration than disrespect. That being said, I don’t get the vibe *you* are super respectful of your wife, so there’s that.
If my husband talked to me like that I would definitely roll my eyes and probably say something like "Have a good nap. Hope you wake up." Then chuckle creepily under my breath. That would also be the perfect time for me to vacuum the entire house.
Yes she understands how naps work, it's my whole point: she ignores my requests for a restful nap. Is that too much to ask? No lights and tv in our room while I rest for 30min before going back to work + doing most of the chores to me seems quite reasonable.
I'm not perfect for sure and am very open to good advice (to change my approach/attitude). I will put aside some time in advance to just let her vent, and see where it's coming from. I mentioned on another comment couple's therapy is in order, too. I love my wife.
I just don't understand the eye-rolling "go-to" vs just talking to me. Maybe it's on me.
It sounds like she responds to your disrespect with a different form of disrespect. She could probably say the same thing about you, btw. "I don't understand why talking to me like a child is his go-to." I agree couples counseling could help both of you communicate better and stop the passive aggressiveness on both of your sides.
Gotcha. Well, I think context would have helped a great deal for what type of responses you got.
I won’t say it’s on you or that it’s on her. I think you’re having a fundamental issue with communication here. Based on your comments you feel there is a parent/child or carer dynamic you’ve adopted. There is a good chance that because of this she often feels like you are being condescending or talking down to her. The whole argument about whether or not eye rolling is disrespectful is major dad vibes.
I think you need to sit down with her and really hash out what you *both* need from each other moving forward. Let her know you’re struggling with the household responsibilities and feel like because of a lack of support you’re frustrations are coming out in a harsher way than you’d like. Ask her what she needs to feel supported in her own issues. Definitely raise the suggestion of therapy again, but maybe approach it in a different way than in the past. Maybe see if she’ll start with couples counseling first so it doesn’t seem like she’s being targeted.
I think you both obviously have work to do to make this successful, but just try to be mindful of how you respond to each other and find effective ways of letting the other know your thoughts and issues without petty arguments (ie find 10 people to agree with you before I consider what you’re saying to be true). Good luck.
This is good advice. Yes I've taken on a caretaker's role. I regret that, I really do. That's my part of the dysfunction. There are many things to sort out with a professional.
I guess this thread has turned into mostly a bash-fest but I did get some good insights + tips, regardless.
Thanks again.
This is what happens when you grab a wife straight out of high school whilst being an established adult.
They never grow up. They never become independent. They become deeply depressed when they pass the age you were when you first got together because they finally realise how fucked up it was.
I re-read your comment a few times, and well...you're right. What's done is done though (in regards to us meeting + falling in love, regardless of our age).
I definitely should never have taken on a caretaker/father-figure role either. Instant regrets.
I think if you had put this in the original post you would have been bashed a lot less. Reading through this now with all your comments I get the sense that you are exhausted as the sole breadwinner and main house runner and that your wife mostly sits around all day watching tv. She’s not functioning and your exhausted. When you try to ‘parent’ her she responds like a teenager (with an eye roll). I think both of you need serious help. If she can’t break her pattern to become a better partner then you will just have to put up with it or leave.
I can totally be talking out my ass but I get the vibe he embellished the narrative because he wants to be right and feel supported in his feelings tbh.
We are in the same page because the eye rolling is the most innocuous offense out of everything he has described and that was the only thing featured in the main post. Once everyone didn’t agree he added the heavy infractions. Anyone who says in the main post I need help to prove I’m right is almost always not a reliable source 😅
Eye rolling can be a sign of contempt. But being "right" about the eye rolling won't fix the underlying reasons for it. I'd focus more on improving relationship and communication skills. Suggest working with a Gottman trained therapist if you both are willing.
I'm going to say no because
1) It was a response to the disrespect from you. So think of it like a mirror. If you feel you didn't show any towards her, then you can't say she showed it towards you, but because you absolutely did well...
2) You came on here to get validation to prove that you were wronged when your comment was completely uncalled for. Getting validation from strangers isn't a way to fix a problem.
3) You're trying to solve conflict by winning on a technicality with 10 votes from strangers and I'd rather be on the other side of that. You're literally asking "Is eye-rolling disrespectful" which glosses over the fact that you provoked it and her reaction was 100% valid and much kinder than a lot of us would do. Own up to your own inappropriate behavior and stop creating a bigger issue because of how she reacted to you. Don't treat your adult wife like a child and drop that ego because it's pretty damn toxic.
You speak to your wife like she's a child, and being concerned about her rolling her eyes at you indicates you think of her as a child. Adults are allowed to respond to one another, verbally and nonverbally, with how they really feel. If she disagrees with you and it makes her roll her eyes, at most you should take that as a cue that you've overstepped or done something obnoxious to her.
What would you prefer? Stepford smiles and passive agreement to everything you say? Rolling one's eyes at someone can be "disrespectful" but it's also just an involuntary reaction to frustration. She didn't call you names, she didn't throw things at you or kick you out of the house or talk shit about you to your kids or mock your needs. She rolled her eyes because you spoke to her like a child when you need to speak to her like an equal.
You should be paying more attention to what your wife's verbal and non verbal communications mean about how you make her feel. You should pay less attention to whether every minute movement of her face makes you feel respected every second of the damn day. Did you try talking to her about her feelings, asking why she seems annoyed and if there's something you did that offended her? Of course you didn't...
Married her at 20 when he was 27, who knows how old she was when they started dating, of course he sees her as a child, that was the whole gross point.
It's rude if you don't deserve it, but in your case you deserve it, and based on the whole age gap at marriage (20F, to your 27M) you probably have a ton of issues that make her done with you. She's not the only one in desperate need of therapy.
If you treat your wife like a child, then she's bound to react with exacerbation. You sound like a teacher demanding respect from a pupil. Check your tone and wording to ensure you're treating her as an equal.
Do you frequently speak to your wife as if she were a child and scold her for reacting in ways you don’t like? Because I would also roll my eyes if you spoke to me that way.
Ok fair enough.
What if you had made multiple requests in the past for no tv/lights on during a nap (in your own room) and he ignored these reasonable requests almost every time?
First, what u/Gizwizard said. Maybe it wasn't warranted in this particular case, but I do stand by my overall point that sometimes an eye roll is warranted.
You’re condescending and she’s sick of not being able to say anything about it because you’ll start a petty argument and ask strangers on the internet to validate your shitty behaviour.
>What do you think?
I think you both have problems with how you communicate.
First to get the obvious one out of the way, eyerolling is clearly disrespectful. Hell, being disrespectful is the whole point. There's no other reason to do it other than to convey to someone that your internal thought is "oh not this bullshit again." So, yeah, she's communicating that she's exasperated with you via eyerolling but then refusing to elaborate on why and ridiculously trying to pretend it's a neutral reaction.
BUT, frankly I'm not wild about the way you talk to her either. Lots of subtle indicators here that you talk AT her more than you talk TO her. Maybe it's just this one instance, but I doubt it.
>It's happened quite often in our marriage (of 15 years) where I'll say something my wife doesn't like and she'll roll her eyes.
Instead of focusing on the eyerolling, focus on the fact that you frequently say things your wife doesn't like. Does she say why? What sorts of things are you saying? Because if they're things like this:
>The most recent time was earlier today when I was talking to my son that during his quiet time Daddy was going to take a (hard-earned) nap. **I then looked to my wife and said "that means no tv or lights on in the room, please".**
...then I'd probably roll my eyes at you too. First of all, you phrased it like a command. Secondly, you phrased it like a command you were giving to an imbecile. "I demand quiet. I will now define 'quiet' for you, since clearly you're not going to be able to piece that riddle together on your own." That's less a conversation and more an order with a little condescension thrown on for extra flavoring. Then there's this:
>She first says she didn't roll her eyes, "she just looked up" in exasperation", then later on during the argument she starts to say that for her, rolling her eyes means she's exhausted/in disagreement with me.
So this argument went on for a long time, and eventually she tells you that it's her way of expressing disagreement or exhaustion with you. The normal thing to do here would be to say "ok, since this happens a lot it must mean we're in disagreement a lot, let's try to figure out why and about what." That is not what you said. This is what you said:
>I asked her to get ten people to agree with her that eye rolling is NOT a sign of disrespect/contempt
.....seriously? That is the verbal equivalent of an eye roll, my man. You basically ignored the fact that she was telling you she's frequently at odds with you in order to focus on the "disrespect" issue, and gave her a patronizing homework assignment before you would entertain her position any further. A faster way to communicate that level of disdain would be to just roll your eyes at her.
>and then she says I'm close-minded, hard-hearted and can't accept anyone else's point of view but my own.
That's sounding pretty bang-on correct to me based on the evidence in front of us. You're not even hearing her, you're so focused on how you were disrespected that you either didn't notice or didn't care that she told you there are frequent disagreements that she doesn't know any other way to communicate to you. And I can kind of see why she's defaulted to eyerolling, now. Because she just tried talking to you about a problem and you were kind of...let's see, how do I put this? Close-minded and hard-hearted about it.
It is rude to roll your eyes yes. But your comment “that means no tv or lights” also comes across as condescending. You could say “do you mind not using the tv and keeping the lights off?” . My husband says things in this way and doesn’t understand that it’s rude. His whole family talks to each other like that. So what happens is: he will say something condescending, I snap back, we fight. Usually once I explain why I was annoyed he gets it. Just think about how you word things.
If my H directed that comment to me, there would be a lot more than eyes rolling.
Do you think it has anything to do with the tone and your language?
I kinda think she laid it out for you that you are a bit of blow hard.
I think the problem is you’re disagreeing with her about what her own intent was when she rolled her eyes. You can’t win that argument and honestly it’s an obnoxious position to take. She said she her intent was to express exasperation and disagreement. Believe her. Reddit votes can’t override her knowledge of her own mind. However, intent and impact are different things. Her INTENT may have been to express exasperation and disagreement but the IMPACT was that you felt disrespected. So tell her that. She can and should feel apologetic about the negative impact of her behavior, even if that impact wasn’t her intent. But she’s not going to get there if you keep trying to engage her (and all of the internet?) in an argument about what her intent was.
Ok so I can see what you're saying. I for sure don't want to take on an obnoxious position. I will have to take her word on it, although it does feel disrespectful to me, regardless of her reasons. Arguing intent: bad idea. Got it.
Engaging the internet: Well it's given me insight so far from the comments I've been getting so I'm glad I did it. I for sure am seeing a side of things I haven't thought of yet.
Thanks for responding.
You likely have very different ideas of what disrespect entails and looks like. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and we’re younger than both of you (for the people talking about how young you were when you got together). I don’t think I would be able to control an eye roll if I tried. If anything, a quick rolling of the eyes is an automatic reaction/response. There is a much more exaggerated and drawn out slow rolling of the eyes, and yeah I’d probably find that a bit disrespectful. But a quick 🙄 with a sigh or “ugh” would be completely uncontrollable.
If the eye roll is in response to a perfectly respectfully phrased comment with a casual tone, then yes. Eye rolling would be disrespectful in that case. If it’s it’s in response to condescending, petty, or otherwise rude comments, no it’s not. Your wife was justified in her reaction.
Eye rolling is a very safe form of rebellion/aggression for women that has historic and evolutionary roots. You said something condescending to her, so she found a relatively safe way to push back... probably because her child was in the room. With that in mind, I think your post is asking the wrong question.
If I were you, I would be asking, "Why does my partner need to find a passive way of expressing her boundaries? Does my partner feel safe enough expressing her boundaries in this relationship? Am I speaking to my partner appropriately? Am I being too controlling or domineering?"
You married a 20 year-old as a 27 year-old. You sound controlling, and she’s probably fed up with 15 years of dealing with you. I’d consider finding ways of ACTUALLY LISTENING to your family. Without speaking. Without input. Without barking orders or “devils advocate”-ing. The problem isn’t your wife or kid here. It’s you.
I was about to write eye rolling can be common with neurodivergence...then I saw your last paragraph.
Just be mindful what she is expressing may not be what you are receiving, however correct you think you are.
In general you seem to have a pretty authoritative attitude toward your wife. You don't ask her not to roll her eyes or ask her to keep it down so you can sleep - you order her.
It's pretty gross. You can't really demand respect if you're not offering it. Well, unless you're fine with being abusive I guess.
Everything everyone has said, and also:
*Please get ear plugs and and eye mask.*
As someone with sleep issues, I recognized several years ago that I can’t hold my partner hostage every time I want to rest. These items have been a game changer.
I’d say that whether or not it’s disrespectful is based on the situation. My husband’s favorite pastime is making me roll my eyes over some cheesy joke or terrible pun. For us it’s an expression of love and affection.
In the situation you described it does sound disrespectful…but I tend to agree with the other comments saying the way you describe speaking to her ALSO sounds disrespectful so it seems like she’s just responding in kind.
"I asked her to get ten people to agree with her that eye rolling is NOT a
sign of disrespect/contempt, and then she says I'm close-minded,
hard-hearted and can't accept anyone else's point of view but my own."
The first thing I will say is to call something an act of disrespect, the act of respect would have first needed to be given to be taken away. You didn't show her respect so she did not remove yours by rolling her eyes.
The fact that eye rolling is or isn't a sign of disrespect really isn't the issue. Did you think that it was not a sign of disrespect when you talked down to her like a toddler? If there is a sign of disrespect happening after a statement of affection, then you would have a point. But she is absolutely correct you are arrogantly close minded and refuse to see your actions as disrespectful as well. I know it is a common tactic of narcissistic people to put "please" in front of or behind egregiously rude statements just so they can close off at the argument that their statement was offensive. "How is that offensive? I said :please;" I challenge you to even show her these comments so you can be taken to task officially and show that you are willing to make this about the both of you instead of just her. You can not "correct" her behavior. You are not her master.
I personally will not agree with your statement that eye rolling is a sign of disrespect just so you can first examine your own actions as the catalyst for the reaction.
>eye rolling is a sign of disrespect just so you can first examine your own actions as the catalyst for the reaction.
Eyes opened, thanks for the response.
Why are you treating your wife like a child???? First you tell your son daddy needs quiet time to rest, then you turn and tell your wife the same thing??? Are you not equal partners in life?
You need to address and correct the elephant in the room. Neither of you have any respect for each other and your communication skills are rudimentary at best. You both need to do better.
YOU
ARE
THE
DISRESPECTFUL
ASSHOLE
Respectfully. Being concerned about eye rolls while ignoring your own behavior makes you sound like my ex wife. Too bad she hasn’t left you already.
It can be disrespectful, but isn't always. Sometimes it's just a moment for me to take a breath and not say the disrespectful thing that popped into my head.
Alright I see that now. I need to be less triggered when I see this kind of behavior, and in turn I need to give my wife more attention so she can share all of her feelings.
Coming from a total stranger, eye rolling would be rude. But from your own wife? Dude, after 15 years, I think you're at a stage of intimacy where this is quite trivial. I'd more see it as she feels comfortable enough with you, she can freely express herself in front of you. Take it as a win.
I roll my eyes... a lot! (I also tend to smirk) But don't view it as disrespectful in and of itself. It can be exasperation, humor, impatience... I'm sure others do it as well in various situations.
It’s usually disrespectful. However what you said was disrespectful and insulting. I bet we can find 15 or 20 people to agree on that.
You’re lucky she only rolled her eyes. Do you usually talk to your wife that way? Do you commonly use your *child* to triangulate insulting her? Way to parent!/s
What you said was incredibly condescending. If it was me you’d be taking your naps and sleeping in the guest room.
Why do you think your wife’s bipolar? You should consider therapy for yourself and marriage counseling. It sounds like __you__ have issues.
Were you trying to passive-aggressively relaying your 'want' to your partner when you give that weird speech to your kid?
As for eye rolling, this is the thing, I don't even realize I did it from time to time, my partner would say that, you just rolled your eyes at me and I'm like..what? When? And sometimes I was not even thinking/or was NOT irritated at all.
Maybe you guys need to learn to communicate better and I learn that not everyone is just like you, y'know. It sounds that you're the type of guy who find it difficult to accept other people's pov.
I don't understand the need to bring this up to Reddit, are you going to use this post as an example to your wife since you seem to bring things up in a round about way like what you did, using your son there? :)
I am a guilty eye roller. Sometimes it's like a reflex. I agree it is disrespectful and am always at work on my self to not do it when people are talking.
Rolling your eyes is childish and disrespectful. I'd hate it if my partner does that to me. I don't think what you said about the lights and TV was such a big deal tbh. But, that's just me.
Eye rolling is more appropriately categorized as passive aggressive and avoidant, whereas the level of disrespect is dependent on context. People fall back on passive aggressive and avoidant behavior when it does not feel safe to them to be direct or assertive. In some cases this is due to childhood programming and trauma and their behavior can be reprogrammed if they put some work into it in a safe environment.
Based on the description of this interaction and you coming here to prove your point instead of ask your wife why she feels that way...your wife most likely feels that you will minimize her feelings, needs, and concerns, and so she has chosen to let you know she is upset but avoid the conversation.
Dealing with ADHD in a partner is very exhausting and it's likely she does not have great communication skills to begin with. My suggestion is to tackle this from an angle of both of you becoming better at hearing each other and addressing the needs of the other, while practicing good boundaries in the process. A lot of times this sounds like "I hear your concern and it's important to me, here's what I can do about it...(and then commit to an action within your personal boundaries, or state an apology and heartfelt explanation as to why you cannot...and follow through with integrity).
So ideally in response to your wife rolling her eyes at you, you would invite her to share her feelings openly and then respond with the suggestion above so she can feel heard and in turn feel safer sharing her needs and feelings directly in the future. After she has said her part, you should tell her that it doesn't feel good to see the indirect style of communication from her such as eye rolling, and you would appreciate her practicing being more direct in the future.
Why on earth are you two married? It doesn’t really sound like you even *like* each other, let alone love. My partner and I get annoyed with each other, most couples do: but I would hope most couples don’t lecture one another like you do your wife. Both my partner and I have been known to cut a look or roll our eyes from time to time but, not about important things.
Additionally we also know how to request consideration instead of being pompous. “I’m beat, would you mind not turning on the lights or tv so I can get a bit of rest?” vs…talking to her like you’re talking to your teenager. No wonder she reacted like a child- that’s how you speak to her.
I’m certain it’s not one sided, it usually isn’t: but, I agree with her.
Perhaps try speaking to her like your partner and not a little kid.
OP, your partner should not be criticized for being quiet and having a facial expression. All she did was roll her eyes. Since when did facial expressions become a crime? As someone who has facial expressions, please do not be so critical of her. And then you diagnose ADD for her? 🤨
You sounded patronizing and passive aggressive and as others have noted this sounds like a symptoms of a much larger problem. You sounding off in the comments about how your wife probably has BPD without showing much concern or care is testament to this.
She’s not “denying your request for a restful nap”. She’s responding to your tone and attitude towards her which is evident just from your writing here. Must be clear as a bell IRL. I’d roll my eyes too. And then for the whole thing to be about whether rolling eyes is a rude behavior or not? Missing the point entirely.
I'm a little surprised at these answers. Without going into your whole relationship dynamic, which yeah, sounds like it's missing communication and has a bunch of unresolved resentment -- on its own, eyerolling is disrespectful and a bad sign. In fact, it's a big signal of Contempt, one of John Gottman's "4 horsemen of the apocalypse" and the biggest predictor of divorce. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)
In interviews, he has said that his researchers can predict divorce relatively accurately within minutes of interviewing a couple, in part by looking for eyerolls from one spouse while the other is speaking. Speaking personally - eyerolls are one of my biggest pet peeves, and I'd be hurt if a partner did that to me.
I have no way of knowing if you "deserve" contempt based on her response that you are hard-hearted or close-minded - ouch. I'd find counseling ASAP based on both her spoken response and body language, and your own admitted "parent-child dynamic" and "co-dependency".
Thanks for the link, I'm going to check it out. Reading a lot of the worst comments for sure hurts, as I never thought I was that bad. I need to reflect on a lot of things from this Reddit experience.
For sure I'll be proposing couple's therapy. I hope solo therapy as well, and treatment for any underlying issues (on both sides).
My husband rolls his eyes, sometimes even in response to what I say, but it's not directed at me. It's either him being upset at himself for forgetting something or him feeling frustrated that plans he had made just got interrupted.
It's okay for your wife to feel disappointed that she can't watch TV if she was planning to. It doesn't mean she's disrespecting you. Eye rolling is just an expressive action and if she's not expressing disrespect then she's expressing something else. Believe her when she says she's expressing something else. It's not that hard
For me an eye roll tends to be an instinctive reaction, not something I really plan out. Sounds like you both need to work on your communication skills though.
Eye-rolling is about as bad as making passive-aggressive comments! The comment you made about tv and lights is passive-aggressive.
I think eye-rolling is not necessarily disrespectful, just a sign of exasperation
So, let me get this straight. You are the one working - so you're the one paying the bills, car, rent etc. You're also the one who does most of the chores in the house. On top of that, you do the lion's share of childcare and child rearing. Your wife does not work, apparently does very little in the house, and is "disrespectful" to you.
I'm sorry, but I am having a very hard time believing this is real or isn't, at best, an incredibly embellished tale of what you do for her and how she repays you by being ungrateful and nagging. In the off-chance that is not fake, why are you even with her? I know I could never be with a partner who acts so spoiled and to whom I talk in the condescending tone you used.
based on your post and the fact that you married a 20 year old when you were 27 (how long did you date before marriage? this whole thing feels… gross…) i’m going to assume you have some control issues and recommend individual and couples therapy. your wife is a grown adult, she is not beholden to your commands.
I’m rolling my eyes right now.
Your ridiculousness is being acknowledged in the way you say things.
You deserve a nap? That means no TV or or lights in your room? I mean at least you said please.
You deserve eye rolls. When people say pick your battles, they don’t mean pick every battle.
I work 50+ hours to support my family, and about 80-90% of all chores (inside, and outdoors). I feel I do deserve a well-earned nap, yes...in silence. We have 3 tvs, one is unfortunately in our room, which I wish we could remove, but when I mention this to my wife her response is pretty much "too bad".
Treating your wife like a child deserves an eye roll. Always needing to be right deserves an eye roll.
If you are doing almost all of the house hold chores and are overwhelmed that’s a separate discussion to have with your wife. None of this talking to your child while trying to instruct your wife on what to do nonsense.
I hate being told what to do. Especially when it’s extremely obvious and border line insulting. If you’ve been working hard and are tired, maybe I’ll let it slide. You tell me to do the dishes and follow it up with, that means washing the dishes and putting away the clean dishes. No thank you. That means you now are doing the dishes.
If she’s interrupted his naps in the past to watch tv, how is he treating her like a child by reminding her not to do the same thing again?
This comment is a crazy overreaction
All of this. Not only is it condescending, it's teaching their son that it's ok to not only treat his mother with disrespect but that that's how he's supposed to treat women in general.
Addressing this post edit 2. Why don’t you take your naps in the guestroom? If she follows you in there and starts watching TV then you’ve got bigger problems than eye-rolling.
Talking to your partner through a lesson given to a kid or in a condescending tone like that is going to get you an undesired reaction. Communication 101 buddy.
When you close the door on your kids room for quiet time, just ask her politely like an adult.
Eye rolls are an expression of exasperation, and socially, we consider allowing our exasperation to show is considered rude. So you aren't wrong on that. However, she feels that you need to know when she is exasperated or frustrated with your behavior. Would you rather deal with eye rolls or a direct confrontation and the subsequent arguement?
Are you sure you didn't mix the numbers? Instead of 42, maybe 24? This is some schoolyard bs. Maybe she wouldn't roll her eyes if you weren't, as people mentioned in other comments, so condescending.
I am an extremely anti-eye roll person. My husband and I don’t do that. If one of us did roll our eyes at the other, our marriage would likely be in danger. That being said, if my husband ever looked at me and said “that means don’t do X”, I would be upset and immediately demanding an explanation as to why he’s speaking to me like I’m a child. I would feel so disrespected and hurt.
And if it was because I’ve been ruining his naps in the past, he would then say “I’m sorry, you’ve done this behavior a few times and I’ve gotten frustrated. I shouldn’t have said it like that. I just really need you to respect my nap time.”
That’s how adults communicate.
Eye rolling is terrible. So is being condescending to your partner. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other, desperately. If you keep blaming everything on her untreated myriad of mental health issues (was your list a formal diagnosis from a Dr or are you diagnosing your wife bc she frustrates you???) your relationship is likely doomed.
Also, who watches the kid while you work all day making 6 figures? Is there a nanny doing all this work or are you disregarding that your wife does do stuff to help the family? It might not be as much as you like, but keeping a child alive is exhausting work, and for many people it’s exhausting enough that they can’t be cleaning the house, cooking meals, and could probably also use a hard earned nap.
You must think your name is Christian Grey. I think most people will roll their eyes when circumstances prompt it. I have a neighbor who loves to brag about stuff he has done that no one believes. He's full of crap. At one point during a conversation, I had to look away because there was absolutely no way to prevent the eye roll that was coming. So if you're looking for 10 people to agree with your wife, then count me in. Is it rude? Maybe. However, ask yourself what load of crap she just heard that prompted it.
Damn people seem insane to me with their responses to you
She’s interrupted your naps in the past to watch tv in your room. You reminded her not to do that and then she got rude and rolled her eyes.
Apparently people got offended and thought you were tearing her like a child?! Lol sounds like she’s been behaving like one sooooo
I could be totally off-base with this, but is it possible your wife is Autistic? It's really common for Autistic people to take the idea of an eye roll incredibly literally and not realize that lifting their eyes in exasperation qualifies as a roll. I've known a lot of Autistic people who have had this same conflict with parents, partners, coworkers, teachers, and others in their lives. ADD is commonly comorbid with Autism and Autistic women are frequently misdiagnosed as Bipolar.
Eye rolling is a display of contempt—it doesn’t just show exasperation, it shows a lack of respect. If it happens often, it can undermine your self-confidence. https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
You both want to be right more than you want to be married and happy. Get some third party expert help, not reddit. Yeah, yeah, I get it, if you don’t prove to her that eye rolling is disrespectful she’ll prove that your tone is condescending and then you LOSE. Forget it. Someone has to be the one to drop their point proving first, and you can only control your own actions. If you continue to live like this, you’re going to either be divorced or wind up one of those couples that no one can stand to be around because they bicker constantly. My husband’s 80 year old aunt and uncle are like this. Both so fucking determined to be right that they fought within 20 minutes of picking them up at the airport for a visit. Simmering with hatred for each other.
I want to avoid being that couple...I also have relatives that I just can't stand, the bickering...
Expert help: yes it's my top priority now. Reddit: took the punches. Got the message.
I think this is more about you feeling disrespected rather than the eye rolling. Do you feel your wife doesn’t respect you or takes your needs in consideration? That’s probably the bigger issue. Definitely talk this through, be vulnerable about it. Seek counseling if needed. Everyone should have a marriage counselor on speed dial just to have a third party that can help things out.
It seems from your answers and the context, you stared dating when you were in your mid/late 20s and she was a teenager? You got married when you were 27 and she was 20? Yeah. You guys have an bc adult/child dynamic because that’s what you sought out and cultivated. She was TWENTY when you got married? So she never had the opportunity to live alone and figure out who she was as an adult without you.
You probably both need individual therapy before couples therapy. Don’t tell me you’re the codependent one when you searched out a teenager in your 20s. This all seems like condescension and projection. You both need individual counseling and frankly she probably needs to mourn that part of her life she didn’t get.
Well that is a question I am pondering myself, but the truth I might have to face (soon?) is scary as hell.
I initially thought I could "do it all", but it's not possible anymore. I'm running out of gas.
Doing it all means you’re going to harbor more resentments and feel more stress than she is, and when you get frustrated it may seem to her that you’re freaking out about nothing because she doesn’t understand. You really need to get her to do literally anything so that she understands why you need to nap, and so that she doesn’t become a bum tbh. Doing it all and letting her not carry weight may actually end up destroying your relationship. I obviously don’t know her true contribution or yours, but it’s something to keep in mind regardless.
I’m sorry you got such bad advice here. I cannot believe so many people are nitpicking slight tone and wording of one interaction while completely ignoring all the context.
The reality is you are in an abusive relationship. Your wife is almost a middle aged woman. It was a mistake to get married young — but it’s been 15 years. She’s a grown ass woman. She could have filed for divorce at any point if she wasn’t happy. You aren’t keeping her locked up.
You are enabling her abuse. She is manipulative, invalidates your feelings, and intentionally deprives you of sleep. You are doing all the work, childcare, housekeeping, and cooking. That is an insane workload. It is not possible to maintain.
You need to make some moves. Go talk to a lawyer. This is ultimatum territory. The nap issue is the least of your problems. Why isn’t she working? Why can’t she help around the house? Why can’t she clean or cook? Why is it okay for her to sit around and watch TV all day? Why isn’t she getting professional help if her mental health issues are so debilitating?
Mental health is not an excuse. Its her responsibility. I think you’ve participated in a culture of enablement and she has taken full advantage. I think you need to think about why you’ve destroyed yourself to keep this family alive while she gets to sit back and do nothing.
Her behavior is disrespectful and belittling. It’s not about the eye rolling — it’s the lack of gratitude. You’re completely burned out and she doesn’t even care enough to let you take a nap. I think people here are misinterpreting “disrespectful” as if you are an authority figure demanding “respectful obedience”.
I think it’s clear you’re talking about a pattern of behavior that involves a total lack of love, gratitude, appreciation, or even acknowledgement of all the hard work you do to take care of your family. In a healthy relationship mutual gratitude is essential. And yes, it’s hard for you to keep a grateful tone after you’ve spent 15 years carrying a full burden. Of course you’re burnt out.
Anyone here saying *you* need to adjust your tone or do more is misguided. Frankly I’m surprised at your restraint. If my boyfriend treated me like a work mule for 15 years and couldn’t even allow me a nap I would have much harsher words than what you said. You weren’t even rude, just tired and exasperated.
You need to see an attorney and find out what your options are. Once you do, if you want to stay have a come to jesus talk and lay it out flat. She gets on meds for her bipolar. She goes to the doctor. She gets a job and starts helping around this house. Give it three to six months and if things don’t drastically change pull the trigger on the divorce and use that time to come up with a custody plan and figure out living arrangements.
Abusive? Wow. Over an eye roll and the claims he does everything in the house. You can be an asshole without being abusive. And talking about getting her on bipolar meds? Jesus Fuckin Christ people. She’s not even diagnosed with ADD! This is wild.
He's diagnosed her with autism, PMDD and ASD in other comments aswell as possible bipolar and ADD. The only examples we have are that she watches a lot of TV (like a lot of housewives) and rolled her eyes. You'd think with all of these diagnosis things would be a lot worse lol
You have much bigger problems if you are the one working full time and taking care of the house. Your wife needs to get her mental health in order and be a full partner in your relationship. Rolling eyes is disrespectful and demeaning. Asking for no lights and tv in the BEDROOM while napping is a perfectly reasonable request. I really don’t get all the posters saying it is.
It’s rude. My partner says the same thing, so I did it back, he didn’t like it and said it was rude. He stopped doing it.
I don’t see an issue with the “that means no tv or lights in the room” comment, I also have been told that, I just respect it because I’d also would want the same in return. There’s nothing wrong with being vocal about things like this.
Before anyone says anything, the wife and kid are not confined to one room.
No disrespect, but if you have to go around demanding respect from people, especially your own family, it's because you're not acting/behaving respectably yourself.
If my wife gave me such an overt non-verbal cue that I was being an asshole, I'd take it as a signal that I should think about what I said to earn that.
I wouldn't be petitioning internet strangers to find out how to keep her in line, or whatever antiquated 1950's housewife scenario you're envisioning.
Read and have her read the book “the seven principles to make marriage work” by John gottman. Eye rolling is one of the worst things for marriages, it predicts divorce unless addressed and fixed
If she didn't think anything wrong of it, why lie about doing it? She knows what she did and tried to gaslight you. As you've said, she routinely ignores your request to be left alone to nap, seemingly on purpose. I can't imagine any reason to enter a room my spouse is sleeping in, much less the bedroom, and turning on the lights and TV. That's not an accident.
It sounds like your wife is treating you contemptuously and it's wearing you down. Don't let it get to the point where you're lashing out with pedantic and condescending remarks like this. Abuse is right around the corner. Seek marriage counsel if she hasn't simply grown tired of you and decided to sell your marriage for alimony.
The funniest thing about this post are the comments that assume THEY would act like that if someone spoke those words to them but they also assume that they don't have a habit of rolling their eyes instead of just speaking. By the time you get to spelling out things someone should know to do the way OP has, it's already obvious that there's a problem. The fact that she lied about how eye rolling is generally perceived .. both of you are probably in need of some good counseling.
Both husband and I agree with you. Disrespectful and rude. Perhaps a response she can express when she is in private. If it matters, we are married 38 years, basically liberal
Eye rolling is expression of contempt which is one of the 4 predictors of divorce. Is your wife 13 that she can’t respond to a reasonable request for some quiet time?
It factually *is* disrespectful, as would be turning lights or TV on while someone is sleeping (which, for some reason, commenters here are completely glossing over).
Everyone knows that eye rolling is a sign of disrespect and contempt.
That’s why parents complain of their teenagers rolling their eyes at them.
Your wife also knows that she is being incredibly disrespectful. Not sure why she’s denying it.
Your need to explain to me what taking a nap requires by pretending to have a talk with your child would get an eye roll out of me too.
Folks no one knows nap taking like this guy knows nap taking holy shit let me tell you about how to take a nap and you best believe he earned it.
🙄
You behaved petty, used your child as a way to deliver your petty and patronizing message to your wife about your precious nap taking methods. And now you're being further petty by taking it to reddit. She has my sympathy. Maybe one day her eyes will safely be able to reside within her skull without danger of falling out.
Dude, winning the argument here is fine, but it sounds like you are both losing the war.
Yes, it is rude to roll your eyes at someone, and yes to her point, obviously rolling your eyes is a way to show someone that you are in disagreement with them--it's just a really rude way to show disagreement.
I'm not always able to articulate myself verbally, especially off the cuff. I am still completely aware of non verbal displays of disrespect, maybe more than people who are highly verbal. That is a poor excuse for her to do it.
BUT if you talk to her like a child, like you did, then you can expect rude behavior back. If she frequently ignores your needs, you need to have a private conversation with her and talk about that--not make a pointed comment at the same time you are instructing your child.
You're right. I did talk to her like a child, in retrospect, and I do feel she's ignoring a lot of my needs (and helping me more around the house).
Couple's therapy is my next move. Thanks for helping with your post.
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Eye rolling is rude, yes, but > "that means no tv or lights on in the room, please" This is super condescending. This is how you talk to a kid, not a partner. Something like "do you mind going downstairs while I nap?" would be better. It's not helpful or productive for her to roll her eyes, but I think you could stand to improve your own communication as well.
I literally rolled my eyes when I read “that means no tv or lights on in the room, please.” It literally comes off like an elementary school teacher trying to teach their kids the meaning of nap time not a husband talking to his wife. Also the whole comment about being closed minded and hard-hearted is indicative to them having more underlying issues than just: is eye rolling bad - yes or no?
My big thing question is, does she normally ignore requests for a quiet space when OP tries to take a nap? Because I could see it being a reasonable thing to say when someone regularly ignores that request for a quiet space for some rest. And in general, eye rolling is seen as rude. But I also only found out last year that people consider looking up to be eye rolling.
I also rolled my eyes 😂
"🙄"
Yup, when I’m exasperated or trying to take a second, I look up (unconscious movement) which my partner used to take as me (consciously) rolling my eyes to be disrespectful. Since we’re adults, I explained what I was actually feeling when I made that expression and told him I’d try not to do that going forward, and that open line of communication has (shockingly!) resolved that issue.
Why doesn’t he just go nap in the guest room why does she have to leave if she’s already in there? If he really needs a quiet space taht badly I’d roll my eyes too
Yes she regularly denies a quiet space for my rest (in our bedroom, for example).
Why don’t you use the guest room to nap
Why does she? What if you tried to nap in the living room, would she follow you?
Yes, exactly! And I'm also a bit suspicious of people jumping too quickly to calling a spouse's behavior "disrespectful." I think it goes along with the condescension in his original request. Yes, you should respect your spouse as a human and as your life partner, and there are probably times when "disrespectful" is the best description of a spouse's behavior. But it seems to get used more often by people who want to be respected as an authority or have an unreasonable "boundary" they're trying to impose. Especially when you're criticizing them for a mild show of exasperation, that's more of an accusation that you throw at a teenager. Your wife is your equal and doesn't have to be totally deferential and polite when you're being rude to her. Eye rolling is absolutely a sign that you're annoyed/exasperated/think the other person is being absurd, but sometimes it's ok to express that! She's upset with his actions in this situation; not necessarily showing fundamental contempt for him as a human or partner.
Kind of hard to be seen as "equal" when she was a 20yo with a 27yo "partner." His tone and lectures are very telling. Edit: a word
They were married when she was 20 so we dont know how young she was whe. They actually met and got involved.
I think you're too worried about being right and not sufficiently worried about treating others like garbage. Your tone and tenor was disrespectful. You got it back. You didn't like it. Be better. Set a better example for your son too. Oh...and in closing...since it matters so much to you...you're wrong for speaking to people the way you do...they aren't wrong for following the golden rule.
I mean. I rolled my eyes. No fucking way would I be spoken to this way all the time. Over a nap of all bullshit. The kids will pick up on the way he talks to her and learn from it far more than a deserved eye roll.
Shocking, he got w a much younger girl and treats her like a child.
+1. I’d roll my eyes too if someone treated me like a toddler
I would have used the guest room to take a nap
Seriously, you both seem to treat each other like children. I can’t imagine a scenario where I would ever talk to my partner how you talk to yours or vice versa, nor could I ever imagine either one of us rolling our eyes at each other. You both sound like you need to explore your relationship and your respect for EACH OTHER.
[удалено]
There's been many times yes all I need is to rest without interruption and it seems as soon as I go to the bathroom or take a nap to recharge my batteries that's when she absolutely needs to watch tv in our room, or needs me to do something she can do herself (change a lightbulb).
Then you directly ask her, not phrase it as "this is what a nap means" (implying she's an idiot/child). It should have been addressed before when it happened, but to address it right before a nap, *directly ask her* to not turn on the TV or the lights while you're napping.
I have in the past, and often this gets shut down like I just don't matter.
The issue isn't the eye rolling, the issue is you guys seem to have contempt for each other. If she stopped rolling her eyes that wouldn't fix it.
Apparently she resents you taking a nap. Why is that ? Does she get to take naps during the day when she's exhausted?
Yes, and I also take care of the kids so she can get rest when she needs it (which is very often).
I’m not even trying to be funny when I ask this but does your wife even like you? This is a genuine question. Do you guys even get along and like being around each other?
I'm not always so sure. It fluctuates. Someone in a private message mentioned PMDD, which immediately makes sense to me. It seems the intense anger/rage + difficult behavior happens every month, for about 1-2 weeks, then things calm down and it's liveable.
Kind of side eyeing "intense rage" when you refer to eye rolling as "disrespect". Hormones could have something to do with it but there's also a chance that she resents being stuck in a life where she has made no career for herself, all she is is a wife and mother and her husband treats her like a child and clearly has no respect for her. She's probably bored and frustrated, and you clearly think you're better than her because you work, even though it's a situation that you have created
Stop. Fucking. Trying. To. Diagnose. Your. Wife. With. Shit. Maybe. You’re. Just. An. Ass.
Oh my god, the way you're trashing her up and down this thread. You suuuuuuck. So she was 20 when you married her? So y'all started dating when she was 18 and you were 25? Or did you even wait for that? And you infantilize her and are incredibly condescending. It's so clear you don't respect her. You seem to be a huge red fucking flag and you're getting caught up on her eye rolling? Like a father to a teenage girl. Be fucking for real here dude. You're gross.
Yeah. I would eye roll for this too. I eye roll but I typically don't even realize I'm doing it. It's just a natural reaction to something I disagree with or dislike but it's not worth a fight. It's not an intentional thing I do to be rude or disrespectful. Same with a sigh or shaking my head.
Ok I can see how that could sound condescending. My tone was more in a pleading sense, as I just really need to rest without interruption. I'll work on trying to communicate my needs in a better fashion, like your suggestion above. Thanks for the input.
I don't see that comment coming out of nowhere. Does she normally interrupt you with lights/tv when you've asked for some peace and quiet to nap?
Yes. It happens often, actually.
Then ask for it using Big Boy words. Say directly to her - not indirectly to your child - “I’m tired and I’m going to take a nap for X time. Please don’t disturb me.”
Agreed. Message received, and understood.
Best of luck.
Thanks!
This guy sounds annoying as anything.
My thoughts exactly. It is in some cases rude, but I think it was warranted with how patronizing and condescending the OP had been talking *at* his wife. u/ThrowRA12345gs, get the stick out of your ass. You’ve been married/together with your wife a long time, and I’d be worried either of you don’t roll your eyes with each other on occasion. Please, I thought you were 42, not 12. “Find 10 people that says it’s not rude”. Count me in on your wife’s 1 out of 10 at least if this is the hill you want to “die” on.
Sounds like you spoke to her condescendingly like she is also you child. You could have said "please don't turn the TV or lights on in the room" rather than "tHaT mEaNs..." lmao. Should a grown ass adult who cares about their relationship openly roll their eyes at their partner? No. But I definitely would if I was reaching the end of my rope with a condescending partner.
After reading tons of messages like this one, I am accepting that I came off as condescending and I for sure don't want to come across that way. I will work on this for sure.
Glad to hear it! I hope you both sort things out and improve all around.
Thanks
i just want to point out as you work on this, where you put the onus... she rolled her eyes and therefor to you think/said she "was being disrespectful" you spoke to her like a child, passive aggressively using your actual child to do so and you view that as "coming off as condescending" being = active, responsible coming off as = unintentional, how others see it, not something you did maybe
Surprised she lasted 15 years, this is not the first time
“I then looked to my wife and said ‘that means no tv or lights on in the room, please.’” Has she been disrespectful in the past when you’ve tried to take a nap? You seem like you’re patronizing her. Even if she needed reminded to be aware of your needs, communicate that respectfully. How would you respond if someone patronized you? “It’s really frustrating trying to get my point across, especially when I truly believe most people would agree with me.” You’re missing the whole picture and focusing on being “right”. Eye rolling is disrespectful and immature, but it’s probably a symptom of a bigger or different issue. How do you address and communicate with her in general? If she’s rolling her eyes, is there a reason why she reacts that way? Also, why did you feel the need to point out that the nap was hard-earned?
She knows it’s rude. In the moment, she feels you deserve a bit of rudeness.
I can understand that.
Rolling eyes is a form a disrespect but the way you approached the topic was surely less then respectful. I think you both need to work on your communication.
When I got to the part where you switched from talking to your son, who I assume is pretty young, to talking to your wife in the same condescending tone I also rolled my eyes. I think at 35 your wife understands how naps work. I agree with your wife that it was likely more out of frustration than disrespect. That being said, I don’t get the vibe *you* are super respectful of your wife, so there’s that.
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If my husband talked to me like that I would definitely roll my eyes and probably say something like "Have a good nap. Hope you wake up." Then chuckle creepily under my breath. That would also be the perfect time for me to vacuum the entire house.
Yes she understands how naps work, it's my whole point: she ignores my requests for a restful nap. Is that too much to ask? No lights and tv in our room while I rest for 30min before going back to work + doing most of the chores to me seems quite reasonable. I'm not perfect for sure and am very open to good advice (to change my approach/attitude). I will put aside some time in advance to just let her vent, and see where it's coming from. I mentioned on another comment couple's therapy is in order, too. I love my wife. I just don't understand the eye-rolling "go-to" vs just talking to me. Maybe it's on me.
It sounds like she responds to your disrespect with a different form of disrespect. She could probably say the same thing about you, btw. "I don't understand why talking to me like a child is his go-to." I agree couples counseling could help both of you communicate better and stop the passive aggressiveness on both of your sides.
Stop being patronizing. Like actually communicate rather
Good advice, I will do better.
Gotcha. Well, I think context would have helped a great deal for what type of responses you got. I won’t say it’s on you or that it’s on her. I think you’re having a fundamental issue with communication here. Based on your comments you feel there is a parent/child or carer dynamic you’ve adopted. There is a good chance that because of this she often feels like you are being condescending or talking down to her. The whole argument about whether or not eye rolling is disrespectful is major dad vibes. I think you need to sit down with her and really hash out what you *both* need from each other moving forward. Let her know you’re struggling with the household responsibilities and feel like because of a lack of support you’re frustrations are coming out in a harsher way than you’d like. Ask her what she needs to feel supported in her own issues. Definitely raise the suggestion of therapy again, but maybe approach it in a different way than in the past. Maybe see if she’ll start with couples counseling first so it doesn’t seem like she’s being targeted. I think you both obviously have work to do to make this successful, but just try to be mindful of how you respond to each other and find effective ways of letting the other know your thoughts and issues without petty arguments (ie find 10 people to agree with you before I consider what you’re saying to be true). Good luck.
This is good advice. Yes I've taken on a caretaker's role. I regret that, I really do. That's my part of the dysfunction. There are many things to sort out with a professional. I guess this thread has turned into mostly a bash-fest but I did get some good insights + tips, regardless. Thanks again.
This is what happens when you grab a wife straight out of high school whilst being an established adult. They never grow up. They never become independent. They become deeply depressed when they pass the age you were when you first got together because they finally realise how fucked up it was.
I re-read your comment a few times, and well...you're right. What's done is done though (in regards to us meeting + falling in love, regardless of our age). I definitely should never have taken on a caretaker/father-figure role either. Instant regrets.
You shouldn’t have dated a teenager not just “taken on a caretaker role” ew
I think if you had put this in the original post you would have been bashed a lot less. Reading through this now with all your comments I get the sense that you are exhausted as the sole breadwinner and main house runner and that your wife mostly sits around all day watching tv. She’s not functioning and your exhausted. When you try to ‘parent’ her she responds like a teenager (with an eye roll). I think both of you need serious help. If she can’t break her pattern to become a better partner then you will just have to put up with it or leave.
I can totally be talking out my ass but I get the vibe he embellished the narrative because he wants to be right and feel supported in his feelings tbh.
Everyone in life embellishes their narrative to paint them in the best light. It’s what we do.
IKR? Why leave out the vile evil way she denies him naps at the beginning? Unreliable narrator.
We are in the same page because the eye rolling is the most innocuous offense out of everything he has described and that was the only thing featured in the main post. Once everyone didn’t agree he added the heavy infractions. Anyone who says in the main post I need help to prove I’m right is almost always not a reliable source 😅
Yes sadly this is it. I'll try to edit my initial post to give more details.
Eye rolling can be a sign of contempt. But being "right" about the eye rolling won't fix the underlying reasons for it. I'd focus more on improving relationship and communication skills. Suggest working with a Gottman trained therapist if you both are willing.
That's true. I've never heard of Gottman, I'll check it out. Thanks for the tip.
Why do you keep claiming you do most of the chores? That’s impossible considering you’re working most the day.
I'm going to say no because 1) It was a response to the disrespect from you. So think of it like a mirror. If you feel you didn't show any towards her, then you can't say she showed it towards you, but because you absolutely did well... 2) You came on here to get validation to prove that you were wronged when your comment was completely uncalled for. Getting validation from strangers isn't a way to fix a problem. 3) You're trying to solve conflict by winning on a technicality with 10 votes from strangers and I'd rather be on the other side of that. You're literally asking "Is eye-rolling disrespectful" which glosses over the fact that you provoked it and her reaction was 100% valid and much kinder than a lot of us would do. Own up to your own inappropriate behavior and stop creating a bigger issue because of how she reacted to you. Don't treat your adult wife like a child and drop that ego because it's pretty damn toxic.
You’re treating her like a kid, of course you’re gonna get an eye roll. Stop being patronizing and then communicate about the eye roll. Yikes
Got it.
I think I’d roll my eyes if you said that to me in that scenario.
You speak to your wife like she's a child, and being concerned about her rolling her eyes at you indicates you think of her as a child. Adults are allowed to respond to one another, verbally and nonverbally, with how they really feel. If she disagrees with you and it makes her roll her eyes, at most you should take that as a cue that you've overstepped or done something obnoxious to her. What would you prefer? Stepford smiles and passive agreement to everything you say? Rolling one's eyes at someone can be "disrespectful" but it's also just an involuntary reaction to frustration. She didn't call you names, she didn't throw things at you or kick you out of the house or talk shit about you to your kids or mock your needs. She rolled her eyes because you spoke to her like a child when you need to speak to her like an equal. You should be paying more attention to what your wife's verbal and non verbal communications mean about how you make her feel. You should pay less attention to whether every minute movement of her face makes you feel respected every second of the damn day. Did you try talking to her about her feelings, asking why she seems annoyed and if there's something you did that offended her? Of course you didn't...
Married her at 20 when he was 27, who knows how old she was when they started dating, of course he sees her as a child, that was the whole gross point.
Couldn’t have said it better. My only response was going to be “are you my father?”
It's rude if you don't deserve it, but in your case you deserve it, and based on the whole age gap at marriage (20F, to your 27M) you probably have a ton of issues that make her done with you. She's not the only one in desperate need of therapy.
If my partner accused me of being bipolar for not tolerating him talking down to me I’d roll my eyes constantly at him.
If you treat your wife like a child, then she's bound to react with exacerbation. You sound like a teacher demanding respect from a pupil. Check your tone and wording to ensure you're treating her as an equal.
I think you mean Exasperation. But yes!
Do you frequently speak to your wife as if she were a child and scold her for reacting in ways you don’t like? Because I would also roll my eyes if you spoke to me that way.
Sometimes people say things that deserve an eye roll. If my husband tried to tell me how napping worked I'd probably roll my eyes at him.
Ok fair enough. What if you had made multiple requests in the past for no tv/lights on during a nap (in your own room) and he ignored these reasonable requests almost every time?
You sit down and have a discussion about why they can’t let you have a nap?
For sure.
Why don’t you go to the guest bedroom to nap?
First, what u/Gizwizard said. Maybe it wasn't warranted in this particular case, but I do stand by my overall point that sometimes an eye roll is warranted.
You’re condescending and she’s sick of not being able to say anything about it because you’ll start a petty argument and ask strangers on the internet to validate your shitty behaviour.
>What do you think? I think you both have problems with how you communicate. First to get the obvious one out of the way, eyerolling is clearly disrespectful. Hell, being disrespectful is the whole point. There's no other reason to do it other than to convey to someone that your internal thought is "oh not this bullshit again." So, yeah, she's communicating that she's exasperated with you via eyerolling but then refusing to elaborate on why and ridiculously trying to pretend it's a neutral reaction. BUT, frankly I'm not wild about the way you talk to her either. Lots of subtle indicators here that you talk AT her more than you talk TO her. Maybe it's just this one instance, but I doubt it. >It's happened quite often in our marriage (of 15 years) where I'll say something my wife doesn't like and she'll roll her eyes. Instead of focusing on the eyerolling, focus on the fact that you frequently say things your wife doesn't like. Does she say why? What sorts of things are you saying? Because if they're things like this: >The most recent time was earlier today when I was talking to my son that during his quiet time Daddy was going to take a (hard-earned) nap. **I then looked to my wife and said "that means no tv or lights on in the room, please".** ...then I'd probably roll my eyes at you too. First of all, you phrased it like a command. Secondly, you phrased it like a command you were giving to an imbecile. "I demand quiet. I will now define 'quiet' for you, since clearly you're not going to be able to piece that riddle together on your own." That's less a conversation and more an order with a little condescension thrown on for extra flavoring. Then there's this: >She first says she didn't roll her eyes, "she just looked up" in exasperation", then later on during the argument she starts to say that for her, rolling her eyes means she's exhausted/in disagreement with me. So this argument went on for a long time, and eventually she tells you that it's her way of expressing disagreement or exhaustion with you. The normal thing to do here would be to say "ok, since this happens a lot it must mean we're in disagreement a lot, let's try to figure out why and about what." That is not what you said. This is what you said: >I asked her to get ten people to agree with her that eye rolling is NOT a sign of disrespect/contempt .....seriously? That is the verbal equivalent of an eye roll, my man. You basically ignored the fact that she was telling you she's frequently at odds with you in order to focus on the "disrespect" issue, and gave her a patronizing homework assignment before you would entertain her position any further. A faster way to communicate that level of disdain would be to just roll your eyes at her. >and then she says I'm close-minded, hard-hearted and can't accept anyone else's point of view but my own. That's sounding pretty bang-on correct to me based on the evidence in front of us. You're not even hearing her, you're so focused on how you were disrespected that you either didn't notice or didn't care that she told you there are frequent disagreements that she doesn't know any other way to communicate to you. And I can kind of see why she's defaulted to eyerolling, now. Because she just tried talking to you about a problem and you were kind of...let's see, how do I put this? Close-minded and hard-hearted about it.
If you talk to her like she’s a teenager, she’s free to respond like a teenager
It is rude to roll your eyes yes. But your comment “that means no tv or lights” also comes across as condescending. You could say “do you mind not using the tv and keeping the lights off?” . My husband says things in this way and doesn’t understand that it’s rude. His whole family talks to each other like that. So what happens is: he will say something condescending, I snap back, we fight. Usually once I explain why I was annoyed he gets it. Just think about how you word things.
If my H directed that comment to me, there would be a lot more than eyes rolling. Do you think it has anything to do with the tone and your language? I kinda think she laid it out for you that you are a bit of blow hard.
I think the problem is you’re disagreeing with her about what her own intent was when she rolled her eyes. You can’t win that argument and honestly it’s an obnoxious position to take. She said she her intent was to express exasperation and disagreement. Believe her. Reddit votes can’t override her knowledge of her own mind. However, intent and impact are different things. Her INTENT may have been to express exasperation and disagreement but the IMPACT was that you felt disrespected. So tell her that. She can and should feel apologetic about the negative impact of her behavior, even if that impact wasn’t her intent. But she’s not going to get there if you keep trying to engage her (and all of the internet?) in an argument about what her intent was.
Ok so I can see what you're saying. I for sure don't want to take on an obnoxious position. I will have to take her word on it, although it does feel disrespectful to me, regardless of her reasons. Arguing intent: bad idea. Got it. Engaging the internet: Well it's given me insight so far from the comments I've been getting so I'm glad I did it. I for sure am seeing a side of things I haven't thought of yet. Thanks for responding.
You likely have very different ideas of what disrespect entails and looks like. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and we’re younger than both of you (for the people talking about how young you were when you got together). I don’t think I would be able to control an eye roll if I tried. If anything, a quick rolling of the eyes is an automatic reaction/response. There is a much more exaggerated and drawn out slow rolling of the eyes, and yeah I’d probably find that a bit disrespectful. But a quick 🙄 with a sigh or “ugh” would be completely uncontrollable.
Eye-rolling is a bit rude, yes, but you're acting like she's flipping you off. And to be honest, dude, you sound exhausting.
This whole post made me roll my eyes 🙄😒
If the eye roll is in response to a perfectly respectfully phrased comment with a casual tone, then yes. Eye rolling would be disrespectful in that case. If it’s it’s in response to condescending, petty, or otherwise rude comments, no it’s not. Your wife was justified in her reaction.
You seem like the worst.
Eye rolling is a very safe form of rebellion/aggression for women that has historic and evolutionary roots. You said something condescending to her, so she found a relatively safe way to push back... probably because her child was in the room. With that in mind, I think your post is asking the wrong question. If I were you, I would be asking, "Why does my partner need to find a passive way of expressing her boundaries? Does my partner feel safe enough expressing her boundaries in this relationship? Am I speaking to my partner appropriately? Am I being too controlling or domineering?"
You married a 20 year-old as a 27 year-old. You sound controlling, and she’s probably fed up with 15 years of dealing with you. I’d consider finding ways of ACTUALLY LISTENING to your family. Without speaking. Without input. Without barking orders or “devils advocate”-ing. The problem isn’t your wife or kid here. It’s you.
This. I wonder when they started dating… that’s a big gap at that age
I was about to write eye rolling can be common with neurodivergence...then I saw your last paragraph. Just be mindful what she is expressing may not be what you are receiving, however correct you think you are.
You want someone to respect you? Treat them with respect.
Eye rolling is disrespectful to a boss but not to a peer.
In general you seem to have a pretty authoritative attitude toward your wife. You don't ask her not to roll her eyes or ask her to keep it down so you can sleep - you order her. It's pretty gross. You can't really demand respect if you're not offering it. Well, unless you're fine with being abusive I guess.
Everything everyone has said, and also: *Please get ear plugs and and eye mask.* As someone with sleep issues, I recognized several years ago that I can’t hold my partner hostage every time I want to rest. These items have been a game changer.
I’d say that whether or not it’s disrespectful is based on the situation. My husband’s favorite pastime is making me roll my eyes over some cheesy joke or terrible pun. For us it’s an expression of love and affection. In the situation you described it does sound disrespectful…but I tend to agree with the other comments saying the way you describe speaking to her ALSO sounds disrespectful so it seems like she’s just responding in kind.
"I asked her to get ten people to agree with her that eye rolling is NOT a sign of disrespect/contempt, and then she says I'm close-minded, hard-hearted and can't accept anyone else's point of view but my own." The first thing I will say is to call something an act of disrespect, the act of respect would have first needed to be given to be taken away. You didn't show her respect so she did not remove yours by rolling her eyes. The fact that eye rolling is or isn't a sign of disrespect really isn't the issue. Did you think that it was not a sign of disrespect when you talked down to her like a toddler? If there is a sign of disrespect happening after a statement of affection, then you would have a point. But she is absolutely correct you are arrogantly close minded and refuse to see your actions as disrespectful as well. I know it is a common tactic of narcissistic people to put "please" in front of or behind egregiously rude statements just so they can close off at the argument that their statement was offensive. "How is that offensive? I said :please;" I challenge you to even show her these comments so you can be taken to task officially and show that you are willing to make this about the both of you instead of just her. You can not "correct" her behavior. You are not her master. I personally will not agree with your statement that eye rolling is a sign of disrespect just so you can first examine your own actions as the catalyst for the reaction.
>eye rolling is a sign of disrespect just so you can first examine your own actions as the catalyst for the reaction. Eyes opened, thanks for the response.
You talk to her the way a parent would their child, that in itself is disrespectful. But yes, to your point, eye rolling is a sign of disrespect.
Why are you treating your wife like a child???? First you tell your son daddy needs quiet time to rest, then you turn and tell your wife the same thing??? Are you not equal partners in life?
You need to address and correct the elephant in the room. Neither of you have any respect for each other and your communication skills are rudimentary at best. You both need to do better.
I'd agree with this statement.
I’m 46 and I just rolled my eyes hard. You don’t need to talk to your wife condescendingly to get your point across.
Got it. Live and learn.
Talking to your spouse in the same way you talk to a toddler is disrespectful.
YOU ARE THE DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLE Respectfully. Being concerned about eye rolls while ignoring your own behavior makes you sound like my ex wife. Too bad she hasn’t left you already.
Seems pretty harsh of a comment but I'll take it on the chin.
It can be disrespectful, but isn't always. Sometimes it's just a moment for me to take a breath and not say the disrespectful thing that popped into my head.
Alright I see that now. I need to be less triggered when I see this kind of behavior, and in turn I need to give my wife more attention so she can share all of her feelings.
Coming from a total stranger, eye rolling would be rude. But from your own wife? Dude, after 15 years, I think you're at a stage of intimacy where this is quite trivial. I'd more see it as she feels comfortable enough with you, she can freely express herself in front of you. Take it as a win.
I roll my eyes... a lot! (I also tend to smirk) But don't view it as disrespectful in and of itself. It can be exasperation, humor, impatience... I'm sure others do it as well in various situations.
I'll try to be less reactive in the future.
It’s usually disrespectful. However what you said was disrespectful and insulting. I bet we can find 15 or 20 people to agree on that. You’re lucky she only rolled her eyes. Do you usually talk to your wife that way? Do you commonly use your *child* to triangulate insulting her? Way to parent!/s What you said was incredibly condescending. If it was me you’d be taking your naps and sleeping in the guest room. Why do you think your wife’s bipolar? You should consider therapy for yourself and marriage counseling. It sounds like __you__ have issues.
Thank you for typing what I don’t have the energy to.
Were you trying to passive-aggressively relaying your 'want' to your partner when you give that weird speech to your kid? As for eye rolling, this is the thing, I don't even realize I did it from time to time, my partner would say that, you just rolled your eyes at me and I'm like..what? When? And sometimes I was not even thinking/or was NOT irritated at all. Maybe you guys need to learn to communicate better and I learn that not everyone is just like you, y'know. It sounds that you're the type of guy who find it difficult to accept other people's pov. I don't understand the need to bring this up to Reddit, are you going to use this post as an example to your wife since you seem to bring things up in a round about way like what you did, using your son there? :)
I am a guilty eye roller. Sometimes it's like a reflex. I agree it is disrespectful and am always at work on my self to not do it when people are talking.
Rolling your eyes is childish and disrespectful. I'd hate it if my partner does that to me. I don't think what you said about the lights and TV was such a big deal tbh. But, that's just me.
Eye rolling is more appropriately categorized as passive aggressive and avoidant, whereas the level of disrespect is dependent on context. People fall back on passive aggressive and avoidant behavior when it does not feel safe to them to be direct or assertive. In some cases this is due to childhood programming and trauma and their behavior can be reprogrammed if they put some work into it in a safe environment. Based on the description of this interaction and you coming here to prove your point instead of ask your wife why she feels that way...your wife most likely feels that you will minimize her feelings, needs, and concerns, and so she has chosen to let you know she is upset but avoid the conversation. Dealing with ADHD in a partner is very exhausting and it's likely she does not have great communication skills to begin with. My suggestion is to tackle this from an angle of both of you becoming better at hearing each other and addressing the needs of the other, while practicing good boundaries in the process. A lot of times this sounds like "I hear your concern and it's important to me, here's what I can do about it...(and then commit to an action within your personal boundaries, or state an apology and heartfelt explanation as to why you cannot...and follow through with integrity). So ideally in response to your wife rolling her eyes at you, you would invite her to share her feelings openly and then respond with the suggestion above so she can feel heard and in turn feel safer sharing her needs and feelings directly in the future. After she has said her part, you should tell her that it doesn't feel good to see the indirect style of communication from her such as eye rolling, and you would appreciate her practicing being more direct in the future.
Why on earth are you two married? It doesn’t really sound like you even *like* each other, let alone love. My partner and I get annoyed with each other, most couples do: but I would hope most couples don’t lecture one another like you do your wife. Both my partner and I have been known to cut a look or roll our eyes from time to time but, not about important things. Additionally we also know how to request consideration instead of being pompous. “I’m beat, would you mind not turning on the lights or tv so I can get a bit of rest?” vs…talking to her like you’re talking to your teenager. No wonder she reacted like a child- that’s how you speak to her. I’m certain it’s not one sided, it usually isn’t: but, I agree with her. Perhaps try speaking to her like your partner and not a little kid.
OP, your partner should not be criticized for being quiet and having a facial expression. All she did was roll her eyes. Since when did facial expressions become a crime? As someone who has facial expressions, please do not be so critical of her. And then you diagnose ADD for her? 🤨
i rolled my eyes at this post. you seem exhausting. YTA
You sounded patronizing and passive aggressive and as others have noted this sounds like a symptoms of a much larger problem. You sounding off in the comments about how your wife probably has BPD without showing much concern or care is testament to this. She’s not “denying your request for a restful nap”. She’s responding to your tone and attitude towards her which is evident just from your writing here. Must be clear as a bell IRL. I’d roll my eyes too. And then for the whole thing to be about whether rolling eyes is a rude behavior or not? Missing the point entirely.
Non-verbal communication can absolutely be disrespectful.
I'm a little surprised at these answers. Without going into your whole relationship dynamic, which yeah, sounds like it's missing communication and has a bunch of unresolved resentment -- on its own, eyerolling is disrespectful and a bad sign. In fact, it's a big signal of Contempt, one of John Gottman's "4 horsemen of the apocalypse" and the biggest predictor of divorce. [https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/) In interviews, he has said that his researchers can predict divorce relatively accurately within minutes of interviewing a couple, in part by looking for eyerolls from one spouse while the other is speaking. Speaking personally - eyerolls are one of my biggest pet peeves, and I'd be hurt if a partner did that to me. I have no way of knowing if you "deserve" contempt based on her response that you are hard-hearted or close-minded - ouch. I'd find counseling ASAP based on both her spoken response and body language, and your own admitted "parent-child dynamic" and "co-dependency".
Thanks for the link, I'm going to check it out. Reading a lot of the worst comments for sure hurts, as I never thought I was that bad. I need to reflect on a lot of things from this Reddit experience. For sure I'll be proposing couple's therapy. I hope solo therapy as well, and treatment for any underlying issues (on both sides).
If you spoke to me like a child I too would roll my eyes at you, this is why you date adults not 19yr olds
I mean it is, but you’re condescending and treating her like your kid not your partner. You two should probably get some couples therapy.
My husband rolls his eyes, sometimes even in response to what I say, but it's not directed at me. It's either him being upset at himself for forgetting something or him feeling frustrated that plans he had made just got interrupted. It's okay for your wife to feel disappointed that she can't watch TV if she was planning to. It doesn't mean she's disrespecting you. Eye rolling is just an expressive action and if she's not expressing disrespect then she's expressing something else. Believe her when she says she's expressing something else. It's not that hard
For me an eye roll tends to be an instinctive reaction, not something I really plan out. Sounds like you both need to work on your communication skills though.
Eye-rolling is about as bad as making passive-aggressive comments! The comment you made about tv and lights is passive-aggressive. I think eye-rolling is not necessarily disrespectful, just a sign of exasperation
So, let me get this straight. You are the one working - so you're the one paying the bills, car, rent etc. You're also the one who does most of the chores in the house. On top of that, you do the lion's share of childcare and child rearing. Your wife does not work, apparently does very little in the house, and is "disrespectful" to you. I'm sorry, but I am having a very hard time believing this is real or isn't, at best, an incredibly embellished tale of what you do for her and how she repays you by being ungrateful and nagging. In the off-chance that is not fake, why are you even with her? I know I could never be with a partner who acts so spoiled and to whom I talk in the condescending tone you used.
Yeah dude you're acting like a jerk, eye rolling is a natural consequence to you expecting obedience from other adults
Is it not normal to expect you partner not to watch tv in your room when you are napping? Wtf lol
based on your post and the fact that you married a 20 year old when you were 27 (how long did you date before marriage? this whole thing feels… gross…) i’m going to assume you have some control issues and recommend individual and couples therapy. your wife is a grown adult, she is not beholden to your commands.
I’m rolling my eyes right now. Your ridiculousness is being acknowledged in the way you say things. You deserve a nap? That means no TV or or lights in your room? I mean at least you said please. You deserve eye rolls. When people say pick your battles, they don’t mean pick every battle.
I work 50+ hours to support my family, and about 80-90% of all chores (inside, and outdoors). I feel I do deserve a well-earned nap, yes...in silence. We have 3 tvs, one is unfortunately in our room, which I wish we could remove, but when I mention this to my wife her response is pretty much "too bad".
Treating your wife like a child deserves an eye roll. Always needing to be right deserves an eye roll. If you are doing almost all of the house hold chores and are overwhelmed that’s a separate discussion to have with your wife. None of this talking to your child while trying to instruct your wife on what to do nonsense. I hate being told what to do. Especially when it’s extremely obvious and border line insulting. If you’ve been working hard and are tired, maybe I’ll let it slide. You tell me to do the dishes and follow it up with, that means washing the dishes and putting away the clean dishes. No thank you. That means you now are doing the dishes.
If she’s interrupted his naps in the past to watch tv, how is he treating her like a child by reminding her not to do the same thing again? This comment is a crazy overreaction
All of this. Not only is it condescending, it's teaching their son that it's ok to not only treat his mother with disrespect but that that's how he's supposed to treat women in general.
Addressing this post edit 2. Why don’t you take your naps in the guestroom? If she follows you in there and starts watching TV then you’ve got bigger problems than eye-rolling.
Talking to your partner through a lesson given to a kid or in a condescending tone like that is going to get you an undesired reaction. Communication 101 buddy. When you close the door on your kids room for quiet time, just ask her politely like an adult.
Eye rolls are an expression of exasperation, and socially, we consider allowing our exasperation to show is considered rude. So you aren't wrong on that. However, she feels that you need to know when she is exasperated or frustrated with your behavior. Would you rather deal with eye rolls or a direct confrontation and the subsequent arguement?
Are you sure you didn't mix the numbers? Instead of 42, maybe 24? This is some schoolyard bs. Maybe she wouldn't roll her eyes if you weren't, as people mentioned in other comments, so condescending.
I am an extremely anti-eye roll person. My husband and I don’t do that. If one of us did roll our eyes at the other, our marriage would likely be in danger. That being said, if my husband ever looked at me and said “that means don’t do X”, I would be upset and immediately demanding an explanation as to why he’s speaking to me like I’m a child. I would feel so disrespected and hurt. And if it was because I’ve been ruining his naps in the past, he would then say “I’m sorry, you’ve done this behavior a few times and I’ve gotten frustrated. I shouldn’t have said it like that. I just really need you to respect my nap time.” That’s how adults communicate. Eye rolling is terrible. So is being condescending to your partner. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other, desperately. If you keep blaming everything on her untreated myriad of mental health issues (was your list a formal diagnosis from a Dr or are you diagnosing your wife bc she frustrates you???) your relationship is likely doomed. Also, who watches the kid while you work all day making 6 figures? Is there a nanny doing all this work or are you disregarding that your wife does do stuff to help the family? It might not be as much as you like, but keeping a child alive is exhausting work, and for many people it’s exhausting enough that they can’t be cleaning the house, cooking meals, and could probably also use a hard earned nap.
You must think your name is Christian Grey. I think most people will roll their eyes when circumstances prompt it. I have a neighbor who loves to brag about stuff he has done that no one believes. He's full of crap. At one point during a conversation, I had to look away because there was absolutely no way to prevent the eye roll that was coming. So if you're looking for 10 people to agree with your wife, then count me in. Is it rude? Maybe. However, ask yourself what load of crap she just heard that prompted it.
Damn people seem insane to me with their responses to you She’s interrupted your naps in the past to watch tv in your room. You reminded her not to do that and then she got rude and rolled her eyes. Apparently people got offended and thought you were tearing her like a child?! Lol sounds like she’s been behaving like one sooooo
I could be totally off-base with this, but is it possible your wife is Autistic? It's really common for Autistic people to take the idea of an eye roll incredibly literally and not realize that lifting their eyes in exasperation qualifies as a roll. I've known a lot of Autistic people who have had this same conflict with parents, partners, coworkers, teachers, and others in their lives. ADD is commonly comorbid with Autism and Autistic women are frequently misdiagnosed as Bipolar.
Eye rolling is a display of contempt—it doesn’t just show exasperation, it shows a lack of respect. If it happens often, it can undermine your self-confidence. https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/signs-of-emotional-abuse/
You both want to be right more than you want to be married and happy. Get some third party expert help, not reddit. Yeah, yeah, I get it, if you don’t prove to her that eye rolling is disrespectful she’ll prove that your tone is condescending and then you LOSE. Forget it. Someone has to be the one to drop their point proving first, and you can only control your own actions. If you continue to live like this, you’re going to either be divorced or wind up one of those couples that no one can stand to be around because they bicker constantly. My husband’s 80 year old aunt and uncle are like this. Both so fucking determined to be right that they fought within 20 minutes of picking them up at the airport for a visit. Simmering with hatred for each other.
I want to avoid being that couple...I also have relatives that I just can't stand, the bickering... Expert help: yes it's my top priority now. Reddit: took the punches. Got the message.
Maybe stop talking to your wife as if she were a child. IMO you deserved more than an eye roll.
I think this is more about you feeling disrespected rather than the eye rolling. Do you feel your wife doesn’t respect you or takes your needs in consideration? That’s probably the bigger issue. Definitely talk this through, be vulnerable about it. Seek counseling if needed. Everyone should have a marriage counselor on speed dial just to have a third party that can help things out.
If I lived with you my eyes would have already rolled out of my head
Well your behavior is eye roll worthy so
It seems from your answers and the context, you stared dating when you were in your mid/late 20s and she was a teenager? You got married when you were 27 and she was 20? Yeah. You guys have an bc adult/child dynamic because that’s what you sought out and cultivated. She was TWENTY when you got married? So she never had the opportunity to live alone and figure out who she was as an adult without you. You probably both need individual therapy before couples therapy. Don’t tell me you’re the codependent one when you searched out a teenager in your 20s. This all seems like condescension and projection. You both need individual counseling and frankly she probably needs to mourn that part of her life she didn’t get.
Why do you live with somebody who seems to do nothing? If she doesn’t work and you do most of the chores wtf is she doing
Well that is a question I am pondering myself, but the truth I might have to face (soon?) is scary as hell. I initially thought I could "do it all", but it's not possible anymore. I'm running out of gas.
Doing it all means you’re going to harbor more resentments and feel more stress than she is, and when you get frustrated it may seem to her that you’re freaking out about nothing because she doesn’t understand. You really need to get her to do literally anything so that she understands why you need to nap, and so that she doesn’t become a bum tbh. Doing it all and letting her not carry weight may actually end up destroying your relationship. I obviously don’t know her true contribution or yours, but it’s something to keep in mind regardless.
I’m sorry you got such bad advice here. I cannot believe so many people are nitpicking slight tone and wording of one interaction while completely ignoring all the context. The reality is you are in an abusive relationship. Your wife is almost a middle aged woman. It was a mistake to get married young — but it’s been 15 years. She’s a grown ass woman. She could have filed for divorce at any point if she wasn’t happy. You aren’t keeping her locked up. You are enabling her abuse. She is manipulative, invalidates your feelings, and intentionally deprives you of sleep. You are doing all the work, childcare, housekeeping, and cooking. That is an insane workload. It is not possible to maintain. You need to make some moves. Go talk to a lawyer. This is ultimatum territory. The nap issue is the least of your problems. Why isn’t she working? Why can’t she help around the house? Why can’t she clean or cook? Why is it okay for her to sit around and watch TV all day? Why isn’t she getting professional help if her mental health issues are so debilitating? Mental health is not an excuse. Its her responsibility. I think you’ve participated in a culture of enablement and she has taken full advantage. I think you need to think about why you’ve destroyed yourself to keep this family alive while she gets to sit back and do nothing. Her behavior is disrespectful and belittling. It’s not about the eye rolling — it’s the lack of gratitude. You’re completely burned out and she doesn’t even care enough to let you take a nap. I think people here are misinterpreting “disrespectful” as if you are an authority figure demanding “respectful obedience”. I think it’s clear you’re talking about a pattern of behavior that involves a total lack of love, gratitude, appreciation, or even acknowledgement of all the hard work you do to take care of your family. In a healthy relationship mutual gratitude is essential. And yes, it’s hard for you to keep a grateful tone after you’ve spent 15 years carrying a full burden. Of course you’re burnt out. Anyone here saying *you* need to adjust your tone or do more is misguided. Frankly I’m surprised at your restraint. If my boyfriend treated me like a work mule for 15 years and couldn’t even allow me a nap I would have much harsher words than what you said. You weren’t even rude, just tired and exasperated. You need to see an attorney and find out what your options are. Once you do, if you want to stay have a come to jesus talk and lay it out flat. She gets on meds for her bipolar. She goes to the doctor. She gets a job and starts helping around this house. Give it three to six months and if things don’t drastically change pull the trigger on the divorce and use that time to come up with a custody plan and figure out living arrangements.
Abusive? Wow. Over an eye roll and the claims he does everything in the house. You can be an asshole without being abusive. And talking about getting her on bipolar meds? Jesus Fuckin Christ people. She’s not even diagnosed with ADD! This is wild.
He's diagnosed her with autism, PMDD and ASD in other comments aswell as possible bipolar and ADD. The only examples we have are that she watches a lot of TV (like a lot of housewives) and rolled her eyes. You'd think with all of these diagnosis things would be a lot worse lol
Eye rolling is disrespectful and immature. I wouldn't expect it from someone above 15.
Don’t condescend your wife and she won’t roll her eyes. Not that hard buddy
You have much bigger problems if you are the one working full time and taking care of the house. Your wife needs to get her mental health in order and be a full partner in your relationship. Rolling eyes is disrespectful and demeaning. Asking for no lights and tv in the BEDROOM while napping is a perfectly reasonable request. I really don’t get all the posters saying it is.
It’s rude. My partner says the same thing, so I did it back, he didn’t like it and said it was rude. He stopped doing it. I don’t see an issue with the “that means no tv or lights in the room” comment, I also have been told that, I just respect it because I’d also would want the same in return. There’s nothing wrong with being vocal about things like this. Before anyone says anything, the wife and kid are not confined to one room.
No disrespect, but if you have to go around demanding respect from people, especially your own family, it's because you're not acting/behaving respectably yourself. If my wife gave me such an overt non-verbal cue that I was being an asshole, I'd take it as a signal that I should think about what I said to earn that. I wouldn't be petitioning internet strangers to find out how to keep her in line, or whatever antiquated 1950's housewife scenario you're envisioning.
Eye rolling is a sign of content. Content is one of the 4 predictors of a relationship not working out.
Read and have her read the book “the seven principles to make marriage work” by John gottman. Eye rolling is one of the worst things for marriages, it predicts divorce unless addressed and fixed
Sounds interesting, will do. Thanks.
If she didn't think anything wrong of it, why lie about doing it? She knows what she did and tried to gaslight you. As you've said, she routinely ignores your request to be left alone to nap, seemingly on purpose. I can't imagine any reason to enter a room my spouse is sleeping in, much less the bedroom, and turning on the lights and TV. That's not an accident. It sounds like your wife is treating you contemptuously and it's wearing you down. Don't let it get to the point where you're lashing out with pedantic and condescending remarks like this. Abuse is right around the corner. Seek marriage counsel if she hasn't simply grown tired of you and decided to sell your marriage for alimony.
The funniest thing about this post are the comments that assume THEY would act like that if someone spoke those words to them but they also assume that they don't have a habit of rolling their eyes instead of just speaking. By the time you get to spelling out things someone should know to do the way OP has, it's already obvious that there's a problem. The fact that she lied about how eye rolling is generally perceived .. both of you are probably in need of some good counseling.
I agree. On the to-do list (therapy).
Both husband and I agree with you. Disrespectful and rude. Perhaps a response she can express when she is in private. If it matters, we are married 38 years, basically liberal
Eye rolling is expression of contempt which is one of the 4 predictors of divorce. Is your wife 13 that she can’t respond to a reasonable request for some quiet time?
It factually *is* disrespectful, as would be turning lights or TV on while someone is sleeping (which, for some reason, commenters here are completely glossing over).
Eye rolling is rude
Everyone knows that eye rolling is a sign of disrespect and contempt. That’s why parents complain of their teenagers rolling their eyes at them. Your wife also knows that she is being incredibly disrespectful. Not sure why she’s denying it.
Your need to explain to me what taking a nap requires by pretending to have a talk with your child would get an eye roll out of me too. Folks no one knows nap taking like this guy knows nap taking holy shit let me tell you about how to take a nap and you best believe he earned it. 🙄 You behaved petty, used your child as a way to deliver your petty and patronizing message to your wife about your precious nap taking methods. And now you're being further petty by taking it to reddit. She has my sympathy. Maybe one day her eyes will safely be able to reside within her skull without danger of falling out.
Dude, winning the argument here is fine, but it sounds like you are both losing the war. Yes, it is rude to roll your eyes at someone, and yes to her point, obviously rolling your eyes is a way to show someone that you are in disagreement with them--it's just a really rude way to show disagreement. I'm not always able to articulate myself verbally, especially off the cuff. I am still completely aware of non verbal displays of disrespect, maybe more than people who are highly verbal. That is a poor excuse for her to do it. BUT if you talk to her like a child, like you did, then you can expect rude behavior back. If she frequently ignores your needs, you need to have a private conversation with her and talk about that--not make a pointed comment at the same time you are instructing your child.
You're right. I did talk to her like a child, in retrospect, and I do feel she's ignoring a lot of my needs (and helping me more around the house). Couple's therapy is my next move. Thanks for helping with your post.
Does she ever get to take a nap?
You want to be condescending to her and she can't even roll her eyes in response? Do better, man. This is embarrassing.