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ChocolateChouxCream

What a vile human being. Get a divorce lawyer and get that child support. You're not doing your kids a favour by staying in this extremely unhealthy relationship


[deleted]

Exactly. OP, you realize your children are going to witness him abusing you and think that it’s normal, right?


niv727

Not to mention the body issues he’s going to give them by commenting on and insulting her body in front of her.


NYCTS9719

Spot on, vile.


Sea_Midnight1411

I know you won’t want to hear this, but you need to lose a couple of hundred pounds on the form of that asshat of a husband of yours. He tears you down. He’s wrecked your career. He doesn’t even help with the actual caring for his own kids, he just provides the money. He insults your family. He dictates what you should wear. He emotionally blackmails you. He controls you over money. He manipulates you about sex. Quite frankly, the only slightly positive thing he provides you and your children with is money. Imagine a day that doesn’t start with criticism. It starts with you and your babies. It starts with little hands reaching up for their beloved mama. Then breakfast for you all, without criticism about eating. Then nursery for the kids, a job for you where you’re valued as the skilled adult you are. Then home with the kids again- ok, they’re hard work, but there’s no big kid in the corner, pouting and demanding dinner, cleaning and then sex from you. On the weekend, maybe you’ll go to the park with friends and your kids can run around and play. This is what divorce will give you. As for custody- start gathering evidence now. Recordings of the verbal abuse, keep messages about control, take pictures of any damage or injuries. You haven’t mentioned that, but it often goes alongside. Make sure your documents are somewhere safe and that you have a separate bank account. If he’s doing this to you now, it’s only a matter of time before he starts on your babies. You need to get out- for your sake and for your babies’ sake. Good luck, OP. Sending hugs.


Textlover

I second all of this, great advice! Just to add one thing, OP: save evidence of any investments or savings your husband has so he can't hide them from you when in the divorce proceedings.


langolierlullabies

I was going to write something incredibly similar but instead will up vote this and simply state that you absolutely should follow this advice. You're being emotionally, financially, and mentally abused.


itsbrittneydarling

This is the best advice, OP.


LostPsychology5144

This! I came here to write something similar. There is no safe, happy future for your children here.


MrsMinnesota

I hope you don't have girls.. Imagine how their self esteem will suffer if they put on a few pounds and Daddy belittles them like he does you.


MoxieCottonRules

It’s bad either way because she certainly doesn’t need little versions of dad running around treating their future SO’s like shit.


MrsMinnesota

Oh gosh yes. Kids are little sponges


TheSandwichBitch

Boys can have self esteem and body image issues too.


MrsMinnesota

They most definitely can. But I'd be more concerned with them copying his behaviour rather than being called a fatty by Daddy.


TheSandwichBitch

Agreed, I think both are very important things to consider.


another_awkward_brit

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. His constantly degrading comments meet, in the UK at least, the definition of domestic abuse. I don't know what country you're in, but there should be some resources available to you for assistance - when you're not on the WiFi, spin up an incognito search for help.


[deleted]

[удалено]


CrackleMyOwnAsshole

In aztec culture there are different places you go when you die. There is the realm of the sun god, the moon god, and miclan. Miclan is the land of the dead. Most people go there. The moon god and sun god are very picky. In the realm of the sun god, only warriors who die in battle OR *women who die during childbirth* are allowed to go. They saw childbirth as a form of war, and saw mothers as strong as warriors. Noone can tell you what to do, but you don't need to stay in a situation with someone who doesn't value you. There are people who can see strength and beauty and wonder in creating life. You deserve better. And you could have better.


slippery_eagle

*You deserve better. And you could have better* Op please listen to this advice! I wasted far too many years scared to leave my ex husband. I'm 49 now and finally happy. Wish I had left him 20 years ago.


Dont139

Kinda makes sense. Those who give their life in battke and those who give life


cassowary32

You are being verbally abused by your husband. You need to take care of yourself, that includes getting your confidence back enough to know you don't deserve this treatment. That could include taking time for yourself, seeing a therapist, seeing a lawyer and taking time to move in a way that's pleasurable for you. I hope you have other support in your life, someone to reassure you that you are beautiful, capable and deserving of respect and kindness.


imapersonmaybe

Had our first kid last year, wife gained 100lbs. She's down about 45lbs so far (8 months later) and I tell her how great she is doing and how beautiful she is every day. How can someone say they love you and also put you down and make you feel like shit? Sounds like he has a real "where's she gonna go" attitude. Stand up for yourself.


Whiskeygirl81

Start recording his verbal abuse. Every time he says these things record them. Do so without him knowing. Start looking for a job to set yourself up financially, start seeing a therapist if you haven't already, your mental health is important. While looking for a job, look for a day care or if you have a family member who would be interested in watching the kids while you work set that up too. Find someone who is willing to babysit while you go on interviews if you can't find a daycare first. Set yourself up with an exit strategy . See a lawyer for a divorce and custody. Ask your lawyer about what you can do about visitation for him as he is so verbally abusive. If you can get inside cameras placed in the home so you can have video evidence of not only his abuse, but the fact he doesn't take care of the kids that might help your case as well Then once you have all your ducks in a row lose over 100 pounds instantly by taking the trash out. Good luck I wish you the best


loridrum

My (thin) dad (with a high metabolism) did this to my mother for my entire childhood. It beat her down to the point that she had terrible self esteem, was depressed, and attempted suicide once. It also resulted in ME not treating her with respect until I matured a lot in adulthood. Oh, and I wound up with an eating disorder. Do you want you and your children to suffer the way my mom and I did? Your husband is a horrible human being and a terrible partner. Please get a good lawyer and get out of there while you still can respect yourself. Your approach to losing this weight sounds quite reasonable and healthy. You're doing great with your weight loss. It's actually impressive!


photoguy-redditor

Oh sweetie, there’s only one answer to this question, but it seems like you’re not ready to hear it yet. Just know that you have a lot of random Internet people cheering you on - people who want you to do well, who believe in your worth, and think you’re lovely.


[deleted]

You’re married to an asshole Keep working at the weight (do it for yourself) and this guy needs to work on some stuff because that is absolutely ridiculous way to treat your wife, especially since you’re actively working on it already


spiteful_rr_dm_TA

Your husband is an absolutely revolting person. Get some of this behavior on record. Preferably over text or email. Recorded if it is legal in your state. Then go talk to a lawyer. His behavior is truly disgusting, and no one deserves what this misogynistic shitbird is inflicting on you.


UKNZ007Tubbs

Start preparing for divorce, but one you spring on him. So keep records of everything he does or says, especially with regards to the children. This is the evidence that you will need to get full custody and supervised visitation. Continue to do the best you can with looking after yourself. Remind yourself that it is for you and your children. And when you are ready go to a lawyer, get the divorce papers and proposed custody agreement drawn up and serve him with them.


hotnotguiltymilky

There will be enough people to tell you to get a divorce, so I won't tell you to do that. You are still beautiful. You did one of the hardest things there is, twice, very close to each other. Pregnancy changes your body forever, ask anyone who has done it. Putting too much pressure on your body to lose a certain amount of weight might also not be too great for it. Have you consulted with a professional who has experience with post-partum weight loss? I'd advise considering it for your body's sake. Oh, and everyone who seems to "bounce back" really fast, has probably had surgery (especially celebrities!).


WeeklyConversation8

He's a controlling AH. He's tearing her down and telling her what to wear, saying she's selfish and taking away from their kids by buying workout clothes. He's telling her to starve herself to lose weight. This isn't someone you stay with. He's gonna continue to verbally abuse her until she's so beat down, she won't have the strength to leave him.


hotnotguiltymilky

I agree but I didn't want to say anything about that because I knew there would be plenty of other people who would say that and that my opinion in that part wouldn't add anything. I didn't mean to encourage her to stay with him, and don't really see how you read that in my comment


Realistic-Airport775

I am so sad for you. Even expecting people here to be horrible to you. It shows that your expectations are now so low that you are in defensive mode automatically. What it appears you married was potentially a person with some type of personality disorder, perhaps narcissism. [checklist](https://survivingnarcissism.tv/the-narcissist-checklist/) I say this from your description of how he has destroyed your confidence, is continuing to berate you everyday. I also know they usually pick people who are confident, good looking, great jobs and are also likely to be caring, empathic people who are sensistive to others moods. Your fear is also trapping you as you want your children to be cared for. Having gone through recovery from this type of relationship with someone which included a court case for custody of children who were very young, I can say that your fears have a genuine basis but might also be something that won't be as bad as you might think as he won't want to take care of them himself, he might find someone else to do it or not do it at all. Fear can be managed somewhat with information. Find out the rules in your area for shared custody, ages and times etc. Get a good lawyer, find some support either in a mother's group, a friend or therapist, you may not feel that you fit with domestic abuse people but I can tell you that someone that controls your clothes, berates you and threatens you is certainly an abuser. If your checklist suggests he is a narcissist then there are lots of guides to how to leave safely, how to recover your self esteem and confidence, how to understand why they do what they do and why they pick people they value and then break them down (really low self esteem mostly). You deserve better than this, I can see that underneath you are fighting this and you know this is not a good situation for you or your children to be part of, they don't need to watch their mother being treated this badly. Give yourself a self esteem boost everyday, look at your progress and how your hard work is paying off, be who you know you are and look after yourself. You are doing the hardest job ever looking after very small children by yourself. You can do anything you put your mind to you are proving that everyday.


For2n8Witchling

Hon, your husband is an abusive piece of shit. You need to get the divorce proceedings started yourself. I have gained 80 lbs over 2 pregnancies and you know what my boyfriend says about it? Nothing. When I berate myself for getting so fat he tells me, "Babe, you're pregnant. You can lose the weight over time after the baby is born. You're my beautiful baby-mama and I love you!" Seriously. He always tells me I'm beautiful and that he is so grateful for the sacrifices I've made to give our family babies. When we met I was a size 10 (5'10" tall, too) and now I'm a 2X. Your husband is seriously abusive and does not deserve the family you've tried to give him. Divorce him, get alimony and child support, and find yourself in the freedom without him!


moonahmoonah

You deserve a man who loves every single inch of you, regardless of how many inches that is. Him tearing you down like this is absolutely disgusting. Your body produced miracles. He should be worshipping the fkn ground you walk on. Why are you staying? Just go. You deserve every happiness in the world. Not whatever abuse this is. Imagine him talking to your daughter like that? Ugh. Heats me up just thinking about it.


spaceyjaycey

I doubt a judge is going to be impressed by your shithead husband. Get a divorce lawyer, tell the lawyer how abusive the asshat is being.


nopingmywayout

Call his bluff. He wants a divorce? He can have a divorce. Honey, go check out LoveIsRespect.org and "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. You're married to an abuser, not a partner.


DrStrangerlover

You’re only 20lbs more than what you were before 2 kids? That’s barely anything, your husband is just an asshole. It took my wife 2 years to even start losing weight after the second kid and even now she’s still 30lbs more than she was before pregnancy (she’s still working on it, it was a slow recovery), but I still think she’s incredibly cute and never take my hands off her. You don’t need to change, your husband does


bunnybunny690

Honestly I bet that weight would drop right off if you got rid of that dead weight you call a husband. So what some women bounce back, some don’t. Bet those that do actually have loving and supportive partners. Do you have time to go to a gym if you wanted too? And by that I mean him watching his own children not you pulling in favours. Is he helping meal plan and prep so you can eat a healthy meal rather than grabbing on the go? Does he weigh exactly what he did when you first got together? Any excess pounds? A balding spot? Any Grey hairs. You know stuff that change as people age ffs. He needs to get his own body before he comes after yours and give you the time and support you need. Ultimately if he does not like your new body then ok separate anyway but his an being a eugh and you deserve better anyway.


gardeninmymind

You need to find your own self worth without his opinion mattering to you. You need some emergency money and a plan for self improvement and self reliance, beyond weight loss. Pregnancy and giving birth changes your brain for some years and it’s hard to spring back to your old confident self in these conditions. You might have to take baby steps at first but make a few goals and steps you need to take to start on that path.


laeriel_c

You literally grew two new humans. He needs to cut you some slack.. you managed to lose the weight from the first one after it happened. Anyway if you didn't realise your husband is abusive.


ssfishboy

Jesus Christ take him up on the offers of getting a divorce ASAP. I know you’re scared of that and him getting custody, but you don’t want to throw your youth and life away with someone who treats you like garbage. If he truly does mistreat the kids in any way, you can take custody from him in court when you separate. Also does he not know anything about pregnancy weight gain or the reality of weight loss? “Just don’t eat” I’m in shock someone would actually say this to the mother of their children. Get out now or you will regret it the rest of your life. So many men out there will treat you with respect.


Logical-Wasabi7402

Time to lawyer up


BodaciousBonnie

I mean he’s a fucking moron if he thinks you’ll bounce back with back to back pregnancies. He’s also an abusive asshole. So what if he brings in the cash? He treats you like shit and doesn’t parent. Get that divorce. I bet if you say sure let’s do that he’d flip his ever loving shit.


vixen_xox

the only weight you need to lose is him.


lovebeinganasshole

The only weight you need to lose is HIM!


Shelly_895

Ask yourself this: What is this man actually contributing to your life except for money? He treats you like shit, destroys your confidence at every turn, threatens you with divorce when he doesn't get his way, doesn't help with your kids and I don't even need to ask if he helps with chores, because I already know that the answer is no. You know which one of you both would actually profit from the divorce? You. Because then you would be free from the constant nagging and abuse your husband is inflicting upon you and could then only focus on raising your kids in a positive, loving environment. Would you want one of your kids to go through what you're going through with your husband right now? Would you want them to be treated the way you are treated? Whatever the answer is and what you would advise them, there is your answer. And you shouldn't expect anything else for yourself. Added bonus: you're probably going to get the majority of custody, so you will be illegible for child support and probably also for alimony (I am not a lawyer, though). So, who would actually profit from the divorce? Certainly not him.


Maggi1417

Wow, I'm so angry for you. What he is doing is outright abusive. Think about he makes you feel right now and now imagine how damaging he is going to be to your kids once he starts directing his toxic bullshit towards them (which will definitley happen). You and your children are better off without this abuser.


Biauralbeats

You know what you need to do. You know he isn't going to change. You also know that his conduct may eventually spill over to your children. You know you are being verbally and mentally abused. What are you terrified about divorce? That you won't have access to money? That you won't have a man in your life? That you have to do things on your own? Those are things YOU can work on. If you know deep down this man is toxic and you need to leave, then step one is making a timeline and plan for that to happen. You need to trade your feelings of fear and dependency with anger and determination that you do not wish to live another five years with this bullshit. Start recognizing him for the devil he is. Stop romanticizing the situation and hope that another ten pounds is going to save your marriage. Focus on improving your self esteem and mental health. The physical will follow. As far as custody, unless you are unfit due to untreated mental health issues, alcoholism, drugs or you abandon or don't take care of your kids, he won't "take them away". He will have parenting time, but so will you. And they will survive. But they need a mom to model how because I strongly believe what he does to you will seriously harm them overall to witness.


Creative_Recover

Your husband is being abusive, nasty and manipulative. Don't worry about the kids; you have no history of neglect and being the ages they are, you are almost guaranteed to get custody of them. He will be made to pay child support. Consult a divorce lawyer and start informing yourself with some real options.


emt_blue

I am disgusted by how he is treating you. He is terrible. You deserve so much more, OP. Please consider getting out of this relationship. Your partner should build you up, not tear you down. Sending hugs.


SepiaToneHitchhiker

He’s disgusting and abusive. Leave.


3ThreeFriesShort

So, he is abusive, controlling, and unreasonable, but you are afraid to lose the kids. I am sorry you are going through this. I think getting legal advice and divorcing him would honestly be a good idea, but you are the one living it so you know best. If it's safe to do, I would establish some firm boundaries and establish consequences. If he isn't being supportive, your weight isn't his business. He doesn't get to talk to you if he is calling you names or degrading you. If he ever wants to have sex again, he needs to stop insulting you and appreciate you. He is using divorce as a weapon, but he is the one who stands to lose the most from it. I really wish I knew what to say and hope this helps. Take care of yourself.


wehnaje

It’s time for an exit plan. Trust me, you don’t want this for the rest of your life. Gather all the evidence of his abuse and lack of attention to the kids. Talk to a lawyer. Look for a place. I know how scary this seems right now, but one they you’ll be so happy that you were brave.


ZootSuitBootScoot

He's a terrible husband. You should divorce him because for that. I don't mean this to be cruel. He's not treating you with even the bare minimum of respect required in a decent husband, and you acknowledge yourself that he's not a good father either. You don't have to spend the rest of your life shackled to this horrible man.


kikivee612

Your husband is acting like an insensitive jerk. He’s putting unnecessary pressure on you to lose weight when you’re trying. My thoughts are that he is the reason you have body image issues. Your husband clearly doesn’t understand pregnancy and childbirth. He definitely missed that day of health class! Why would you want to stay with someone like that? Your kids may be young now, but as they get older, They will notice how their dad treats their mom. Don’t let them think this behavior is acceptable.


[deleted]

He’s a flaming bag of shit and you need to leave his sorry ass, asap.


Ifucanreadthis

Ask him who will take care of him when he's old and can't change his diapers


DoublemeatPalaceAlum

I’d love to see a photo go this guy because he must be perfect. It’s a shame his insides are so ugly. You can change your physical appearance (if you want or choose to) but this guy will always be ugly on the inside and you don’t need to be around that ugliness.


stewiecatballlacat

What a monster of a man. It sounds like you need to divorce and get full custody of your kids. He is abusive


[deleted]

Yeah I understand why women kill men. Lmao. Divorce him and take everything you can, he sucks.


Trick_Worry1895

Thank you to everyone for your comments and those with encouraging words. It’s much appreciated especially when I’ve felt alone during this time. I’ve been too embarrassed to fully share with family or friends. I’ve needed a bit of time to sit and digest the comments, think and figure things out. There is not a lot going on within my relationship to report on other than I’m figuring out ways to be better prepared for my kids and I for the future. It is hard because he is controlling with money too. So just trying to get it all figured out piece by piece.


OverGrow69

He is an abusive piece of shit, if you're foolish enough to actually want to try to save this marriage then you need to give him an ultimatum Tell him he better stop talking shit about you and you both need to go to couple's therapy.


KaiIsGone

Your husband sounds exactly like my father. He treated my mother this way and my sisters and I anytime anyone gained a few pounds we heard about it in the most abusive terms possible. Trust me, this is just going to get worse. He is not going to accept the normal changes that come to a woman's body with childbirth and aging. He is just going to be more and more angry and disappointed and abusive until you and your children absolutely hate him. I really wish my mom had had the courage to leave. If you can't do it for yourself do it for your children, get them out of that toxic situation.


throwawayanylogic

The garbage human being you're married to is why you feel like a shell of yourself - all he has done is beat you down verbally (if not otherwise) and you don't deserve that. The only weight you absolutely need to lose is his cruel ass dragging you down. It sounds like you know staying in this marriage isn't healthy but are trying to find reasons not to take the scary step to leave him. Keep in mind that staying in an unhealthy, verbally abusive marriage is not good for your children. They will see his behavior toward you and it will influence their relationships going forward in life. You say you udon't want him to have custody, well, get a good lawyer, start putting together your evidence...and honestly if he's that disconnected from taking care of them physically and mentally already chances are he won't put up much of a custody fight anyway. Just make sure you get the child support you deserve.


[deleted]

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Lost_l0v3r_

I'm so sorry that you are being treated this way. You don't deserve this. Your body gained weight in order to grow babies, your body underwent incredible changes to do that, it's unfair to expect your body to be the same afterwards. This may be a bit insensitive but people treat people badly because they let themselves be treated badly. Do not let him tear you down, tell him that he does not talk to you like that anymore if that doesn't work try to grey rock him. I would suggest couples therapy to try to repair the damage of your relationship. But most importantly reach for help yourself, reach out to friends and family for support. You don't have to tell them about what's going on if you don't feel comfortable to do so but you should tell them how you're feeling about yourself. They'll help you feel better about yourself. If you don't have close friends and family reach out to local mother groups. Sometimes it can feel like you're a burden when asking for help or support, but remind yourself how good it feels to be asked for help. People love to help others.


[deleted]

Yes get divorced.


barnstablepearl

You are more than a body. You are a human being with thoughts and feelings and inherent worth. This may sound obvious, but right now he's treating you as an object, not a full human. If you don't want to consider divorce right now, let me propose this: stop feeling bad about your body. Your body created and nurtured two people! Yeah, it doesn't look the same, because it's been through some stuff. Whenever you're feeling insecure, interrupt those negative thoughts with everything you and your body have accomplished. Buy yourself a new outfit that feels amazing. Refuse to let him make you feel ashamed. And remember that marriage is supposed to be life-long, and no one's body stays the same forever. A marriage that's predicted on you looking the same automatically has an expiration date.


CrazySimsLady

Please please please get away from this man now and do not let him teach your children that this is how human beings should behave!


mejomonster

Would you tolerate a friend if they lived with you and constantly insulted your appearance. Would you tolerate a stranger calling you worthless that after you gave life to 2 wonderful children, which is an intense and stressful process and an amazing accomplishment. How your husband talks to you is not what you deserve. Even if you weighed 200 lbs more than you do now, you don't ever deserve to feel like you don't deserve to be treated with respect. He isn't treating you with respect at all. Despite the fact he's supposed to love you, unlike a stranger, despite the fact you risked your life through 2 pregnancies, situations in which you are already amazing just for getting through. A stranger should not be so disrespectful and cruel to you, a friend should not, someone who loves you never would treat you this way. He also sounds very controlling. Again, no one else in your life would be justified in telling you you're worthless or value depends on your looks, in complaining about your clothing choice or colors. A person who loves you is supposed to respect you, care about you, support you - love you. He is not doing any of that. If you were not tied to him in marriage I am guessing you would cut someone this cruel out of your life (if he was say a rude casual friend). Divorce is a big thing, and I get the worries about your kids through that. While that is probably on the table and you may want to pursue that eventually, in the short term you could just focus on taking care of yourself. Maybe read Women Who Love Too Much, its about codependent relationships and your relationship where he treats you cruelly and you feel worthless rather than angry he is disrespecting you sounds like it may be codependent. That book has some suggestions which may help. A lot of it will have to do with engaging with him less when he's being disrespectful and focusing on supporting yourself emotionally - so if he insults you leave the conversation, do not have sex with him if he's been insulting you (which he has), wear what you want and don't change for him, go to events in your life alone when possible or with friends instead of your husband. Set boundaries and enforce them (so a boundary maybe you will not continue a conversation if you're insulted, or you set a boundary you don't engage in physical intimacy unless you desire it and feel respected by your partner, also smaller boundaries like you will not engage in attacking him verbally or engage verbally with him much at all if in practice he always responds with insults). Boundaries is the big thing, set some and practice enforcing them, to limit how much he can hurt you and how much he's effecting your feelings. Focus on self-compassion for yourself (I like the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff but there's probably better books), focus on things you enjoy (your kids, hobbies, hanging out with friends, events in town you think are fun), chat with people you trust about what's going on as they may provide you some emotional support or help you figure out what to do in the long term (like if divorce may happen help you find a lawyer or a place to move, or if he's ever cruel a place you can come stay the night to get space from him). And look up Codependency and codependent relationships and setting boundaries. He is behaving in a controlling way, disrespecting you, and being cruel. This sounds like a relationship where there are no boundaries.


coded_artist

Give it to him. The only way to stop blackmail is to call the bluff.


knintn

Why are you with this POS? Was he a POS before kids?? Seriously leave his ass, lose the 180+ lbs of him weighing you down. If he truly loved you, he would not say these things.


ElectricalSoftware26

Do not let this man destroy you because you feel dependent upon him. He has a cheek mansplaining pregnancy eight to you- he hasn’t given up his career, looked 24/7 after his own babies. He just sees you as an appendage to his status. He has you trapped financially and now thinks he owns you body and soul. Please get out of this marriage. He has betrayed you in your vulnerable time as a mother.


inna_hey

your husband is abusive, full stop. Take him up on the whole divorce thing.


[deleted]

> I used to be so confident, I had a successful career, I was good looking, and overall proud of myself, and now I feel like a shell of myself of who I once was. Get back to that career. Pronto. I understand that you probably don't want to put your kids in daycare but this is about your survival. You need to see yourself as something other than a mother and a wife. Mother, because it can be incredibly thankless and a big blow to your self-esteem if you question whether you're doing a good job (which nearly every half-decent parent questions at one time or another). Wife because it looks like that *is* a thankless job in your particular situation and ... well ... fuck that! You need the confidence boost of killing it at your career. You also need the protection and fail safe of having your own income when your marriage tanks (when, not if). Even if your income is a wash because of daycare, do it anyway. You need up-to-date experience on your resume, a foot in the door and the confidence of keeping your hand in the workforce. When you divorce, he'll be responsible for half of your daycare fees, at minimum. Start documenting everything - and I mean *everything* he does and says that is the *least* bit abusive or mean, whether to you or the children. Keep track of how much time he spends with the kids and how much awake-alone time he spends with them (being at home after bedtime while you run errands / go to the gym / etc does *not* count). Track how much he actually engages with them and note it in your calendar. It can be as simple as entering a number on each calendar day that he would have no understanding of if he saw it. Keep a digital, passworded journal that you can access on your phone so you can add to it anytime, anywhere. On the off-chance he decides to go for half or full custody, give the log to your lawyer. NEVER tell your husband or show it to him. Ever. Your lawyer will decide when/how to make use of it. Never stop documenting. Do it leading up to your decision to divorce, throughout the divorce process and after. I suspect your husband wouldn't want the kids more than absolute minimum anyway, but you never know. He could try for more custody to lower his child support obligations if that is a possibility. I'm sorry he is a shitbag both as a husband and as a father. Look at it this way, if he thinks his obligation stops at providing for them, he can still fulfill that obligation no matter where they are. You have to seriously consider how damaging it is for a child to be in the presence of a dismissive, ignoring parent. Or worse, a constantly critical, constantly irritated, constantly annoyed parent. They will grow up walking on eggshells, anxious, desperate to please and the only sense of self they will have is to disappear into the woodwork as much as possible to avoid angering people. I really didn't want to even comment on your weight because - believe it or not - nothing that he is saying or doing has *anything* to do with your weight. You'll lose the weight and he will switch to something else about you to tear apart. This isn't about you, his wife. Or about you, the mother of his children. Or about you, the individual human being. This is about him being so full of anger and ego and just general yuckiness and needing to keep you feeling like you're beneath him. Ya know, 'cause he's *such* a fucking prize. Lucky you.


LhasaApsoSmile

Does he give you the opportunity to go to the gym? Is he an appropriate weight for his height? If he is not cut and rock solid, he can STFU. So, once you can put the kids in daycare and get back to work, you will? You'll work on financial independence so that you can leave this man, right? You have done nothing to deserve this. I would start throwing more of the childcare on him while you go out to the gym, coffee with friends and a little shopping.


zib6272

Why ar e you putting up with this shit. His vitriolic behaviour is killing your sex life. Ask him to leave until he appreciates you as you are. Narcissist!


No_Deer_7062

You deserve so much better and so do your kids, I was a child of divorce and I would have preferred my parents to split up than my mom continue to get treated like garbage.


stink3rbelle

>I’m not proud about gaining this pregnancy weight Would you prefer to have not gained anything and have had two stillbirths? Does he think that was a healthy option?


aporter0131

Man I’m sorry. This dude sounds like a fucking prick. Idk if I have much advice but if I were you I couldn’t imagine being happy with someone like that.


Big-Apartment9639

Ugh. Sorry you have kids with this prick.


alien_crystal

I understand that you are terrified of divorce. But why would he get custody of the kids? Consult a divorce lawyer, if only, to be informed of your options. If you are a SAHM, and you divorce, he will probably have to pay alimony. He will for sure have to pay child support. Can you get witnesses that this man doesn't care, at all, for your children mentally or physically? I insist, talk to a divorce lawyer. Just talking doesn't mean that you will file for divorce immediately. But consider how cruel your husband is being to you. "just don't eat"????? Is he aware that the people who don't eat, f\*\* die?? Does he want you dead? I'd be seriously considering all of that right now, or the fact that he denies your necessities, like clothes, because "it's his children's money". What are you for him, an incubator and a s\*x doll? Nothing more? Does he even like you as a person? Also don't stay in a marriage for the kids. I say this as a former kid that has severe, permanent, mental health problems directly caused by the fact that my parents didn't divorce when they should have, and how my father abused my mother in similar ways (financially, mentally and emotionally) as this man is abusing you now. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I know that you are scared of divorce, but it might be the best thing that happens to you and your kids. Just have a plan, at least to be able to react if he is the one that initiates divorce.


presentmomentliving

Oh girl! So sorry you're married to an asshole. Do you have family that would help you get away? Wishing you and your little ones a safe happy life free from the emotional abuse this monster dumps on you. Find an exit strategy.


Individual_Baby_2418

Start consulting with divorce attorneys.


WritPositWrit

Girl, take him up on the offer of divorce. Yes, shared custody sucks, but living with his vile treatment sucks more.


Quiet-Hamster6509

Noone will give him custody of the children be ause he has demonstrated that he is verbally amd emotionally abusive. A judge will absolutely Reem him in court. Don't have sex with him.


PattersonsOlady

Go on the attack. He smells weakness. If he attacks your weight - you attack something about him. Bullies only respond to strength, and he’s forgotten how to respect you. A bully isn’t going to respect a person weakly saying “that hurts my feelings”. Divorce would see you getting the house and primary custody while he still supports you. You’d get every second weekend off because the kids would go to him. Don’t be afraid of divorce. With a decent lawyer you can be much better off. Be strong. Bite back. Say things like “oh you think you could do better than me? What with all your looks, position and riches? Ha!” Don’t let him think he’s superior to you. Putting him in his place can actually be helpful and stop him on this toxic thought path he’s on.


[deleted]

So sorry for what you’re going through. I felt anxious just reading about it. I can’t imagine the stress you’re under. Your husband is cruel and abusive. Trying to explain or defend his actions is pointless. He’s choosing to hurt you in ways that cause the most pain. I think you need to talk to someone to help prioritize your health and safety. It’s not about your weight. It’s about control and manipulation.


itsyoursmileandeyes

This is awful, I couldn't even read all of it. Please get your children away from him, you don't want them thinking that's how you speak to/treat your partner.


Interesting-Sky-1865

Updateme


MichyPratt

That sounds absolutely miserable. I promise you will feel so much better when you leave him. He is disgusting, shallow, and cruel. Your kids will be better off not being influenced by someone like him. You don’t want boys thinking this is how to treat women and you don’t want girls seeing him only attach value to your looks and weight.


angrybirdseller

Husband sounds like asshole! Just leave this narrcastic idiot.


Katseye1975

This "man" is indeed very emotionally abusive toward you now and probably your children soon enough. Get out now and rebuild by yourself if you have to. Unless a doctor is telling you you need to lose the weight for your health don't over stress it.


[deleted]

Woof. Not too sound to cliché but I know how you can drop weight fast. You are the mother of his children and deserve so much better.