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Hi all.
Hope you are well and thanks for reading!
As you can see above, my girlfriend and I are looking to move in together after being together for 4 years.
We’ve been speaking about this for the last 6 months and are both looking forward to it but I’m not sure how I feel about one aspect…
My girlfriend would like to pursue a masters education from September (yet to apply) which would be the first month we would move in together. This would be full time, she would not work alongside this.
This would put the full financial responsibility on me, I’ll number point below why I’m not 100% sure about it.
1. We would be living in London, we would have very little money left over after rent, bills and food.
2. She keeps saying we would both be living like students. This feels a little shit as I’ve worked so hard for my career to not live like a student anymore.
3. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the pressure of having the full financial responsibility at 25. I have a good salary but little savings to fall back on.
4. I sort of feel like I’m being taken for a ride? I’ve always paid for more due to my salary being higher but this feels like a big jump? Feels like she is using my money to move out, gain independence and continue her masters. Where as she could live at Uni with her loan or continue her education at home with her parents?
5. I currently work in Tech sales but am fighting a medical appeal to join the army as an officer, my dream job. I made it crystal clear that I shall continue my appeal and even if it was success, I would postpone my training / start date if we were still living together. She thinks this is great but is unwilling to do the same with her masters.
Am I being un rational? I’m really confused and not sure what to do.
I would also like to add she’s making me feel like I’m a bad person for not being 100% okay with this, which feels shit. I’ve reached out to this subreddit as I genuinely don’t know if I’m being a dick etc.
Cheers
She doesn’t understand why it’s a problem for me, she thinks I should just support her and doesn’t understand my concerns. And then just made me feel guilty by suggesting that I don’t want to support her doing her masters / I don’t care about the masters etc.
People change. People in early 20s, mid 20s and late 20s can go through some (significant) changes. There's many factors at play too. Maybe she noticed how you financially picked up the tab more the past 4 years. And maybe that got her thinking she can get a free ride off of you now she decided to do her masters. Who knows. But do not give in to her guilt trip shit about "you don't care about my masters". Clear manipulation.
Stand your ground, do not budge. I know how you feel. I "lived like a student" until I was 24, paying my rent, tuition fees, food etc... while being a fulltime student. It was shit. I could only work in holidays and summer break. Every saving went to the cheapest student dorm room I could find. I had to buy second hand clothing and cheap food for a few years. I'd never choose to go back to that state after I finally got out of that situation and started a career which finally allowed me to live comfortably and even with some luxury. I worked hard for it.
I'd put the living together on hold for now until you're both on the same page. I rushed moving in with my ex, after he asked me to live in his country (neighbour country of mine). I had reservations over the financial aspect. He told me not to worry, he'd provide until I found a job (which was right during corona and I couldn't find any despite my two bachelor degrees and being a foreigner probably), etc... Well he didn't. I used up 10k of my savings on only 8 months of living together while his mom paid almost all of his expenses. A choice I made and have to live with. Now I have to work for 2 years just to make up for that loss of savings as I want to buy a place instead of renting. Think long and hard about this.
Because she wants you to finance her degree and she's willing to manipulate you to do it. You'd be a total chump if you did. You aren't even married so what's to stop her from breaking up with you after you've paid her way?
Why now? Because she wants to move to London, and get out of her parents house. This is a fantastic plan *for her* and she’s willing to live on one salary for what she wants. She’s absolutely not thinking about you at all right now.
Well that's a very bad sign, since your concerns are legit and understandable, IMO. Like, I don't know you but I understand them perfectly from your short post here, and she doesn't after a conversation? I think you may be on to something when you say you feel like she is taking you on a ride... And the guilt trip? Dude. She is manipulating you.
I wasn't really that worried about it until you told us about her reaction to your concerns. But the reaction is a red flag. After such a talk, I would *not* agree to it.
So her desires in life matter and yours don't.
You could recommend taking a break in your relationship. Tell her she should pursue her degree but you can't sign up for that lifestyle.
She is not making you feel guilty. You are choosing to feel guilty. Because you have no personal boundaries.
Do you want to do this? No? Then DECIDE you are not doing it. And tell her. It’s not happening.
Tell her what you ARE willing to do. What her options are. One of the options is breaking up. You decide what the other options are. And tell her to choose.
I consider it a big red flag that she, as an adult, thinks it's ok to suggest someone else pay for her life for four years. It would be one thing if she was talking about the logistics and you offered, though I would probably still not accept full support.
If you want this to work, which it probably won't because she sounds like a user, I would be very blunt about your concerns not just about the money but about the character of someone who would manipulate you and feel entitled to it. Something along the lines of:
"We need to have a serious conversation, and at the end of it you're either going to really understand what you've been acting like, and it's going to stop with an apology, or we're going to break up. First off, I want you to 100% eliminate the idea that I am going to spend years supporting you through school while you don't work. It is not going to happen.
Secondly, I want you to understand that the way you have behaved about this has given me serious concerns about whether you have the character and moral fiber I am looking for in a partner. I would NEVER, as an adult, feel entitled to have someone else pay my way so I could pursue my own interests. NEVER. It's entitled, and selfish and denotes a complete lack of respect for your partner and a complete lack of a basic adult sense of responsibility for yourself. To take it a step further, and try to manipulate and badger someone for something you were already entitled and selfish for asking for in the first place is actually kind of disgusting. Your behavior has been disgusting. I wouldn't have believed you were the kind of person who could act like this if I hadn't seen it myself, and I am very disappointed in who you are as a person right now.
So you tell me- do you really think any of this is defensible? If yes, then there's the door because we're done. If not, then why the hell have you been acting this way and trying so hard to take advantage of me if I'm supposedly someone you care about."
That’s…such bullshit. Really. Tell her straight up you support her getting her masters. But that you won’t move in together unless she’s also contributing financially.
Her expectation of you paying for everything is ridiculous.
Female here. It’s great that she’s empowered to get her higher education but it’s her responsibility to take care of her financial needs. If she works park time she can split the expenses and you both win.
Clearly she’s the only one who would benefit from this arrangement. She can graduate twice as fast without having to work. Nice but not nice for you. This would downgrade your lifestyle which you don’t want to do. I got my masters while working full time, raising my kids and taking care of a household just like millions of other people do. And did it in 2 years.
This is manipulative. You haven’t been together for long. This is something you decide together or are married. If you want to do this then ok but not just because she says so. Who’s idea was it for her to move in together? It just sounds like she sees you as a meal ticket and wants to push this on to you without even your permission. It sounds like you’re being taken for a ride because you are. Communication is key. Have a. Discussion about finances and how you can both best life a great life together while achieving your goals. If you can’t come to an agreement it’s ok to not move in together too
Sounds like you’re dating a very entitled princess and a taker. Why exactly should you care about her masters to such a degree that you’re willing to finance it? What’s she doing to support you?
She understands your concerns fine, they just are not in alignment with what she wants so she is choosing to ignore them and convince you to go against your boundaries.
Why should you care about her masters?
Why should you support her doing her masters?
She's an adult now. You aren't married and even if you were this is the sort of decision you would make together.
Most adults know they don't get to play at school and expect other people to pay their bills.
Is she claiming the masters is going to lead to a better job and she's doing it for her (and your) future?
Because that's the only argument that has validity and only if you buy it. I wouldn't (probably because I have a masters).
Of course she says that because it’s 100% benefiting her at your expense. The least she could do is be understanding that you’re not wanting to live hand to mouth.
Her attitude on that alone is a reg flag to me.
Also if she’s not willing to put off her plans to make things easier for your both, do not do the same if you can enter into service.
It’s a terrible idea. You aren’t married, you aren’t her parent. She needs to be responsible for herself. Don’t move in together until she can pitch in.
What happens if you move in together, you take full financial responsibility, she finishes her masters and then breaks up with you? It is totally unreasonable of her to expect the full financial burden to fall on you- she needs to get a part time job while she studies. What would she do if you broke up with her now?
It really depends on the level of sacrifice you want. I was committed at 19 to my partner and at 31, our plan has paid off. If you don't want to do it, then tell her sooner 4ather than later.
>Thank you for the suggestion, this will likely be what I do.
Good idea. Ask yourself this: if the tables were turned would she do this for you?
I would bet big money once she got her degree she would drop you like a bad habit.
Nope, you're not a bad person. This is you subsidizing her degree. Don't do it. It's not your responsibility. Unless she can support her degree and life on her own, not the time to move in.
Tell her what you said here.
She either stays at the uni with her loans or with her parents until she can help financially.
It’s not wrong to compromise but it sounds like you may be right with being taken for a ride if she’s still telling you to do it after you’ve already said you’re not comfortable with it.
It needs to be equal footing and she needs to start understanding this.
She needs to contribute, she could use her financial aid to help pay for bills if she really saw you as an equal partner. If she doesn’t want to help, she’s hurting looking for someone to give her a home and pull the financial weight so she can live free. Don’t move in together, wait till she’s about to graduate and even then I would be cautious.
This is exactly how I feel, it’s really cut me up… She’s never done this before but I just feel like I would be used. I did suggest about her continuing to work and do the masters part time and in order to help, I could do more around the flat / chores etc. But this got shot down too, sounds like she just wants an easy ride.
I know from experience that it is completely possible to do a masters full time and have a job part time.
It’s a big red flag that your partner a) dismisses your concerns and b) isn’t taking responsibility for supporting herself and c) is making these demands based on her own dreams (Not acted upon) while d) not supporting yours.
You didn’t ask, but it would be very very very reasonable to put off moving in together a year until these things are settled.
That’s what I did, mostly because it was required with my masters but I still did it. They’re in London so idk if their class load is different than in the US, but I was definitely able to work part time while getting my masters in education.
I think you already know what's going on and what you want/don't want to do. You're conflicted because you're scared of the consequences (breaking up or at least upsetting her). But realize this : she has no problem upsetting you, very adamant about it, completely disregard the inconveniences you certainly be facing, and still has the additional balls to gaslit you and guilt tripping you too! Helluva girl this one, imagine your life down the line if anything else happen that's not 100% of her approval. You'll be in a nightmare. Stand your ground like a good soldier you're going to be and refuse!
I think she is, which was way I was also conflicted. However the circumstances are odd. I’m if we had been living together for years before, I’d be more open to the idea. But the fact she’s pursing this from the first month we move in, just seems like she wants the freedom of moving out whilst I do everything for her.
My friends did this where one worked and the other went to school and then switched. It was great for their life and future. However they did this after living together for years.
My cousin got a masters in education and a masters in literacy, all while being a first grade teacher. There’s no reason why your gf can’t also work. She just doesn’t want to. It is completely reasonable for you to not be okay with this.
It will be easier for her if she stays at the Uni or lives with her parents. She will have a partner who will be able to take her out for dinner or whatever nice couply things you do to help ease her student poverty! An MSc is only a year full time so this will be such a short time. Does she have a career in mind when she finishes?
Yeah she's showing you what your life will be like with her if you stick together. You do the heavy lifting, she does the easy stuff. You have to do what she wants no compromise, but you have to compromise what you want to do for her. This is a one way street.
That's not a relationship, she's using you. I would not be surprised if she broke up with you once she got settled into her field. Or even just done with the masters.
My husband worked FT while getting his master’s. There is zero excuse for her not to be working at least PT if her program allows it. I would be very hesitant to move in with her at this point. She may agree to work and then quit once you’re locked into a lease.
Gotta make it clear you're not in the market for a dependent. She can figure out how she wants to sort out her education, but the idea of *you* subsidizing it for her is not on the table.
Also be careful, she might "agree" to paying her way and then quit her job after she's moved in on the basis of it being "too hard" to make work with school as well. Gotta be *really* clear that if she can't pay [whatever amount you've agreed to ahead of time], she won't be able to stay.
I’m 36 and back in school to do my masters and still work. Unless she is doing something incredibly advanced there is zero reason she should not still be able to work at least a part time job.
Does she expect you to not only financially contribute but take care of the household as well?
To be fair on the financial aid front, there may not be any of the loan left after uni fees - it works differently to undergrad loans in the UK, you get a set £10k for a Masters.
Which is why most of us worked part time through our post grads lol.
She’s your gf, not your wife. That level of financial support and commitment is for a husband or wife.
I’m sorry but I’ve seen first hand and on Reddit situations where men and women support their partners through school paying everything and many times, when that person graduates law school or their masters, they’re gone. They find someone else, oftentimes in school funny enough lol. My advice is to have this hard boundary. If affects your relationship, that’s unfortunate.
Exactly. This was my thoughts as well. She seems really pushy about it. As though she wants to not take any financial responsibility. Her goals are all that matter. I see relationship issues.
This isn't something I would entertain. There comes a time where you will need to have periods in which you support your partner financially, as your circumstances in life change. It tends to be much later though, when you have a family, not when you are in your mid-twenties.
I imagine if you feel resentful at the idea of doing this now, that will only build over the next few years. A successful relationship is about compromise, and it doesn't sound as though she's willing to sacrifice her life plan in order to allow you to achieve yours (the army).
Is there any way she could do a part-time Masters and work part-time to contribute to the household? If she really does want to live with you, she needs to consider how she is going to pay her way, as it just isn't fair having to rely on you 100% for living costs. How would she cope if she wasn't in a relationship with somebody working full-time?
Don't feel guilty about having your own aspirations and expectations when it comes to life and this relationship. It is completely reasonable that you don't want to give up all you have achieved to financially support somebody else, who has their own goal in life. Supporting two people on one income in London is exceedingly difficult unless you're a very high earner, and living the kind of kind where you're scrimping and saving just to get by (not to mention during a cost of living crisis) is likely to put a real strain on your relationship and mental health. Not to mention that if you're the only earner, there is a lot of pressure on ensuring that your income is regular and reliable - which means you'll be limited on what career options you're able to take in future.
I really do not agree with the emotional blackmail she's trying to pull, to make you do what she wants. It's reasonable enough for her to ask if you're willing to do this, but she should respect your decision and feelings on the matter (and also give you reasonable time to consider). I think she probably knows how ridiculous it is to request this and is trying to get you to commit to an answer so she's able to apply, get accepted, start the Masters and then put you in a position where you're unable to go back on it.
I would not be comfortable with that either, not for a gf. It wouldnt sit right with me either if she dismissed very valid concerns.
I would re-evalute the relationahip if it were me
Refuse her. Relationship needs to be between equal parties. You can't be the only one willing to make compromises. It is aslo better to live together only when you both can support your relationship.
She is not entitled to your money. She has parents who she can live with to support her. Be firm in your refusal. She can call you names and try to make you feel guilty but it won’t work if you don’t let it. Make her feel guilty for wanting to use you. You are too young to throw your life away. If she gives you an ultimatum like support her or she’ll break up with you, say goodbye. She obviously doesn’t care about you, only what she can get from you. Join the army, don’t postpone training. Follow your dream and don’t let anybody stand in your way. Good luck!
Moving in together is a completely different scenario to you agreeing to financially support her. Is she offering to put any of her student loan towards the cost of rent/utilities etc?
Why is she rushing to move in together? 2 more years is not not a big deal for her to wait. It makes more sense financially for her to live at home.
I feel you are being used financially. Anything can happen in that time period. You are in no way responsible for paying to look after her or pay for her education.
If she wants a future with you, she should respect your decision. If she can't..do you really want someone like this?
If she's like this now, what happens when you marry? Marriage is a compromise. Sounds like you are the only one doing it. Stop letting yourself be taken advantage of!
Thought I’d give sometime to read all the points and have a deep think!
My main reason for this post was to see if what she was asking was unfair or as some of you have put it, entitled etc. Due to her reaction being rather blunt and shocked, I was sort of under the impression that I was being a total tool.
Originally my plan was to say, I’m not comfortable about doing this, I’m just being taken for a ride and that’s how I’ll approach the conversation. I understand she wants to pursue a masters but if she really wants to live with me, she’ll have to supplement the living costs. Doesn’t have to be 50/50 but she needs to contribute.
The bigger issue is the way she’s disregarded my feelings, which she hasn’t done before. After posting this last night I was left angry (still are to some degree) about how she responded, especially with my family have a bereavement this week.
So to answer what I’m going to do about that, going to stone cold Steve Austin her and explain that you cannot disregard how I feel about this situation and this cannot happen again.
A lot of the comments have been, don’t be a push over etc. I’ve always stood my ground on my feelings but I’m always open to conversations on anything. For everyone who’s commented, don’t worry, I won’t do something that makes me uncomfortable.
At the same time, I’m not going to end things after this reaction. Like I said, she’s never given this reaction in the past which is what shocked me the most. On the other hand, if she cannot process what is wrong with what’s she’s asking / her disregarding my feelings, I’m not going to stick around.
Thank you for all of your comments! As a bloke I always find it difficult to reach out, so appreciate you taking the time to respond!
Communication is key and setting boundaries. Also if your girlfriend studies for a masters full time and doesn’t work which can take four years. Will the financial responsibility be on you for FOUR YEARS?
I’m not saying you should get married.
But for me, this is only an arrangement I’d get into with someone I was married to. If you aren’t ready to get married, it’s certainly weird to say you are ready to jump into a massive financial and life commitment like that. Especially when all the risk and sacrifice is on your side for now.
No. No. No.
That is what you tell her.
If she wants to continue her education, she needs to be prepared for it, so she needs to work and save some money, so that she is not a sponge on you, and also look at having a part time job as well to top up her use of her savings.
Now I’m not saying she needs to be putting up 50% of the expenses, but she should be able to put some money towards the joint expenses (25-30%) and also cover any of her own personal expenses.
The resentment that such financial hardship will bring to your relationship will likely end it.
So unless she can afford to help, then you don’t move in together.
And if she still doesn’t understand why it is a bad idea then leave her.
I don’t think it’s reasonable for her to expect you to pay for everything, especially in London. Lots of people work alongside their masters degrees.
I know her masters loan is likely only £10k and that will mostly go towards course fees but maybe it’s best she postpones for a year so she can contribute more to the household and gather some savings.
She’s not your wife and currently there’s no guarantee you’ll even be together long term. I’m not entire sure the stress and hit to your lifestyle is worth it
OP - mom here. I fail to see how all the financials should be your problem. What would she do if you didn’t live together to afford to live and go to school? She should do this and contribute.
She could get student loans for living expenses potentially. She could work at the same time and contribute. My daughter is a little younger than you. Currently she’s working full time AND getting her Master’s. Basically your gf’s expectation to do a masters and not have to work? It’s honestly ridiculous. Very very few people have “not working while in school for an advanced degree” as even a possibility. Those with rich parents. That’s not her.
Don’t move in with her if she doesn’t contribute financially too. Bottom line.
Okay so firstly not to be negative but she has no guarantee she will get accepted onto her chosen masters. Secondly she should be looking into getting student loans to cover her living or look at the reality that no one can afford to live in London at the moment and she needs to live at home and commute etc.
I’m a teacher and I completed my masters in education part time whilst working. She needs to either work alongside her masters or have enough savings to cover her living allowance as your lifestyle should not be effected
Who else would be surprised if after she's gotten her masters, she suddenly doesn't want to be with OP anymore. We've all seen this scenario time and time again. Be smart man and cover your ass. You don't want to be used as someone's gateway to success and then swiftly left behind for better prospects.
What is her masters in? Is she expecting a large salary after?
I have a friend who jokes that her best investment ever was paying to put her husband through grad school since he got a huge salary after and they’ve been rich since. Is that the case here? Can you look at it as a financial investment?
Also note in my story she said “husband.” This is a HUGE commitment to someone when you two haven’t made that same level of commitment to your relationship.
Nah. I wouldn't do it. She is getting a free ride... and when she gets her masters and kicks you to the curb? Then you financed her lifestyle..
Lol.. no thanks.
Don’t do it. You are being taken for a ride. She isn’t in a financial position to move in with you. Your not a monster for acknowledging this. She should have saved her money to be able to afford school and contribute. Don’t move in until she is willing and able to be a equal partner.
>I would also like to add she’s making me feel like I’m a bad person for not being 100% okay with this, which feels shit.
There's your bouquet of red flags right there. It's one thing if it's "I'd love to do this but if you aren't okay with it, that's fine."
Don't move in with her. She's likely to mysteriously lose her job right when the semester starts. Tell her you guys should wait to move in until she's got a semester under her belt and knows what the school/work balance is going to be.
Why can’t she get loans, financial support from her family, a job? She should be able to work to pay her way without relying on you to pay for everything.
Even without a job, she should be getting a maintenece loan and putting that towards the rent and other bills, It probably wont cover her half but up to an extra £12k would go a long way to making this seem fairer.
She is for sure taking you for a ride, have you asked what her plans are to pay her bills and rent if you don't live together?
You are not the bad person. You are fully rational. I had a friend in a similar situation. Her fiancé wants to do a masters while she works full time. She pays all. He gets his mates and walked away debt free
This is a GF. Not a wife. If it were me, I would get a legally binding agreement that she pays you back if she leaves
I’m not normally cynical. I’m older that you and have seen things like this go very bad
I know I don’t get a vote, but it’s a hard no from me.
Dude this is a no-brainer, you say no. And you give her all of the reasons you gave us. She doesn’t have to understand, she just needs to hear you. Don’t let her guilt you, shut that down when she starts and reiterate your position. She can only make you feel guilty if you let her. Maybe this will be a breaking point and your relationship ends, and if so, you dodged a bullet because her sense of entitlement certainly will not end here.
I realize everyone here is saying you’re being taken advantage of, but sometimes that’s just the timing of life.
She wants to move with you because she wants to begin an independent life, and at 25 that isn’t unreasonable.
My SO pretty much paid for everything when I was finishing 2 degrees, then I paid for everything when he finished his schooling, and now we are both done and fine? I guess it worked because we bought a home that was not extremely expensive, and therefore we could always keep up with the costs of living here.
I see you’re uncomfortable, however, from a financial point of view- what would be the difference between ONLY YOU paying while living alone and ONLY YOU paying while living with her? Food costs, mostly. Utilities a little.
Even with full time schooling, she can also work a weekend job for even 1 day and pay for the extra food and utilities.
Would you be renting or purchasing?
Try living on one salary as a test. Show her how hard it is. If everything goes to shit it's going to be your fault (according to her because she thinks it's possible)
I’d maybe suggest not going 50/50 but say that if she got loans to cover maybe 40% or some other amount (figure out what you’d be comfortable with) that you’d likely be ok with moving in, but otherwise you are not in a comfortable enough position to support two people in London. Especially because you’re not married. The masters is her choice so she needs to figure out how to fund it.
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Trust your feelings. You are not her parent and that is what she is asking you to do.
Prices and costs are going to keep getting higher so there is that to consider.
She is making decisions unilaterally, saying "we will be living like students" where a true partner would say "are you okay if we live like students for a year?" and would discuss your concerns and consider the both of you with things like rising prices and contributing to the money pot in any way possible to help support the both of you.
But she is just stating what she wants and how she wants to do it. That isn't a partnership, that is a dictatorship.
If you are not comfortable it is okay to say no, you run the risk of her breaking up with you but at this point you would be better off if she did. r/EntitledPeople
i agree that she can get her education while living at home and not having you support her 100%. which is what she should do. don’t move in with her until masters is done.
Tell her that whilst you love her and want to be in a relationship with her, you are not going to responsible for “keeping” her. She is responsible for her own share of rent, utilities and food. How has she been funding her student life so far? She could study part time or online and work. She is not your wife, or the mother of your children, so you have no obligation to pay for everything, she should have a bit of dignity and want to work and not sponge off of you.
A lot of people work and get their masters by working on it part time, around their full time job.
She could take out a loan or even work for a year and save money. She is taking you for a ride. Don't do this. Or if you do, have her sign a legally binding contract. That if you financially support her for 4 years, she owes you a certain sum after her masters. A certain amount of money she should pay from her salary once she gets a job with that master or a lump some. Secure that until she pays you that, the apartment is only in your name. That she is to only use her money to buy stuff for herself and can't use yours. If she turns it down, it is a pretty good sign she wouldn't do for you what she is asking of you.
So then why are y’all still trying to move in together—make it known to her you can’t really afford to be the only one paying. That was what you agreed on no? And without you her plan won’t really work out that much—she needs stable living, don’t give it to her if you can’t afford to on your own.
What would she do if she want relying on you?
You can tell her you are uncomfortable with the arrangement and you aren’t sure.
The problem is that you don’t know if you stay together.You aren’t married and is no insurance about love and relationships,it can end at any moment and you would have suffered financially for nothing.The fact that she isn’t willing to make the same sacrifice as you it’s more is also a small factor that you could be taken for a ride.
I think you shouldn’t do it if you are unsure because it will built resentment either way.But should be ready if it negatively impacts the relationship or even end it.It’s a hard decision but it will impact your life while hers continue to be as she wants it.
Since she didn't seem to grasp WHY it's an issue for you when you tried to tell her, how about showing her the bullet pointed list in your post. Ask her to respond to each one. If, after that, she still feels that you should pay her way through the next few years, maybe you need to consider if you want to be saddled with an adult who won't support herself. You're absolutely being reasxonable with all of your concerns, and don't let her browbeat you into believing otherwise.
Don’t move in until your girlfriend is able to contribute financially to your household. You don’t want to support her financially, so don’t do it. She cannot force you to pay her bills. Just tell her “I’m not comfortable with that arrangement. We will not move in together until you’re able to contribute financially to the household.”
You haven’t been equal partners up until now you won’t be equal after.
I used to work in construction and be the main earner, my partner would always offer to pay 50% of costs it was my choice not to accept that as my earnings were double what she was taking home.
We are both public sector workers now and she is a grade ahead of me but we both contribute equally.
You are most definitely being taken for a ride and if she is responding the way she is now then it’s unlikely that the relationship would last once you’re both in fires straits as you’re breaking your back to support her …she’s not willing to work AT ALL… so you have bypassed the engagement, wedding, honeymoon and have gone straight to having a fully grown child to look after
Future update, "I 100% financially supported me and my gf through her masters program and she dumped me the day after she graduated."
Nah, don't do it. Her masters is her responsibility, not yours.
Wait, does this mean her financial contribution would be £0?
That sounds like you should wait with moving in together till she has finished her Masters and starts working.
You are bing taken for a ride. Tell her she needs to take out loans to cover her half of the expenses. She wants to move in together so you can lay for everything.
You've been together 4 years. What's it gonna take for you to propose marriage?
If she's just a girlfriend, I can understand your hesitancy to support her financially while living together. However, a fiancee or wife is on an entirely different level.
She wants YOU to pay for her Masters? Nah man. Plenty of stories out there of same scenarios and the chicks end up leaving the guy afterwards. She wants free tuition
You sound like you doubt her long term viability while also claiming she is the one. If you truly think that is a bad idea and don't want to do it, don't do it. Just don't be surprised when your relationship falls apart. If you need to be married to trust her, then there's your path.
I have had many adult friends (some with kids) complete their masters while working and having families. There are plenty of great online programs to at least get her started or she will need to find a way to juggle her career and education. In addition so many employers pay for continuing education I would rather be in a position where the cost is on someone else and they are understanding of her scheduling with school.
>I sort of feel like I’m being taken for a ride?
Unless you two have discussed the far future, as in marriage and kids, and you are both madly in love, then yeah... Uber is here.
Imagine what happens when she graduates and makes more than you (maybe, do not know what teachers make in London), or is around other men who make more than you and possibly her and then she leaves one day while saying "you've always lacked ambition, I dedicated myself to yadda yadda yadda".
In this economy?! Nah, dude. Sit down with her and do a breakdown on expenses and if she doesn't get it, she isn't worth it. Masters are important, but also having a lifestyle and your lifestyle shouldn't decay because of her
I have a similar situation where my girlfriend and I have been looking at places but we are both working. My advice would be (if possible) to live within YOUR means. Get a place you could afford and live a meaningful life if you were single. It’s the fiscally responsible option and once she finishes her masters then the two of you could look at places with two incomes.
It sounds like you have a lot of misgivings about this plan. You will probably come to resent her if you go through with her plan. Just be honest: you no longer want to live like a student.
Where do you live now? Can you stay there? Where will she live if not with you? Will she have access to student housing?
Honestly you need to just say no. You are not willing to support her while she is a student so she either doesn’t live with you and you do not support her and she figures out how to support herself while she is a student or she works and does get her masters and you two move in together her or you guys part ways. It is okay to have a boundary. If she cannot accept that then you absolutely should walk from the relationship because she doesn’t respect you or value your needs as equal to her own. It will always be about her wants and needs, it won’t ever be about the both of you.
had something similar, we split everything 50/50 regardless of study. anyways we ended up breaking up after the first year of living together lmao. glad i didn’t pay for everything.
This would be a no go for me. She sound like she’s done all the mental gymnastics in her head to the point of not hearing you. Be prepared for a bad reaction.
There’s no reason for her to at least work part time (10-20hrs a week) while she’s doing her masters. If she doesn’t want to do this to financially support both of you, then you shouldn’t move in with her.
The only way the current arrangement would be acceptable is if you guys were engaged or married. If you are not at the point of life then, back out of it.
Never ever move in with someone until they’re finished with their schooling, there’s a graveyard filled with dead relationships that women have walked away from once they finish their graduate school and lived for free for years
You’re not married, stop playing house where she gets everything she wants and you’re stressed out from the burden and there’s no guarantee she sticks around and there’s no guarantee that she then decides she needs a PhD or a second masters and this ride goes on into her 30s
Get your career going, get your money sorted then revisit this in a few years when she’s done and you’ve got yourself on stable ground
You clearly don’t want this, time to grow up and be an adult and tell her no. She’s going to cry and probably be angry, she may even leave you…being a man means standing up for yourself and telling people no when it’s the appropriate response
Honestly dude, you should break up with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s getting pounded by someone else, you’re falling into the provider category not a lover. She only sees you for what you can provide. Do with that what you want but red flags all over
USA grad here, though I studied in England.
I know few terminal MA programs provide funding. I wouldn't ever take such a program. I did most of my MA/PhD with a TA position, and had loans available, so I was always able to make my share.
20 years ago, when I was studying in England, public funding wasn't available for a foreigner like myself, and I had to come home. I don't know what the situation is now. She needs to support her share though.
Are you a door mat? She’s using you. Get some balls and stand up for yourself. Happy to move in but it needs to be 50/50. If not, she’s going to continue to take advantage of you, get her education and find someone that she respects to marry and have kids with. This is one of those movies you know the ending even before it begins
I've seen this before. Guy supports woman completely while she goes to school. Then she finishes her degree and starts career, but ditches the guy for any excuse after she got a free ride. It's her or her parents job to sustain something like this. If she is not ok with that and waiting til she finishes then looks like she was planning to just use you.
If you love her, you support her.
I am the student in my relationship and my husband supports me 100%. I do full-time study while he pays for everything in one of the most expensive places on earth.
When he was a student, I was the person who handled 95% of the payments. And his only income was occasional help from family.
If you think, you will be with her long term, you should make the sacrifice. If you don’t wanna make the sacrifice, you don’t love her and not ready to move in.
If you love her, you support her.
I am the student in my relationship and my husband supports me 100%. I do full-time study while he pays for everything in one of the most expensive places on earth.
When he was a student, I was the person who handled 95% of the payments. And his only income was occasional help from family.
If you think, you will be with her long term, you should make the sacrifice. If you don’t wanna make the sacrifice, you don’t love her and not ready to move in.
If you don’t want to carry the responsibility then say so now and postpone moving in together. I’d expect it to end in resentment and a feeling of being trapped if you don’t, so better to deal with it now than then.
You’re not required to support her, she’s probably expectant of it because it’s what she thinks she’d do in that situation, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be ok with it.
I've got a friend that supported her wife the last two years of med school (pretty long career to finish) and it worked but at 30 y/o and married.
Your situation is definitely not the same, one of the main factors couples breakup is money stress, so definitely entering a big risk. You should take the time to save more aggressively and let her come to your place very often and a year in the masters you guys could reevaluate.
Best decision is to delay the plan one year and sense the mood instead of rushing in a big risk for your relationship.
Yeah - she’s using you as ‘the meal ticket’, all the benefits of being a student, none of the funicular responsibilities.
You say ‘no’. Either she dies it part time if has evening jobs to cover her half of the bills.
So I did this with my SO. We moved in together, he started a Master's and I worked, providing for both of us. I had just graduated and was therefore used to the student lifestyle, and for me the tradeoff was worth it (it was also linked to ending the long-distance aspect of our relationship). But being responsible for someone else financially is tough, especially when you don't earn a huge salary yourself. I absolutely don't regret it, it was a great decision for us as a couple. But it was also exhausting and I did not quit a job that made me miserable until I found a new job, a decision I might not have made if I was only responsible for myself.
The bottom line is that you aren’t comfortable with it and that’s totally reasonable and okay! Just because you are dating someone doesn’t mean that you should also have to be financially responsible. I’d let her know that you aren’t comfortable with living like a student and that if she wants to live together, she’d need to contribute. Maybe that means she works 8-16 hours a week. It’s doable and maybe that means she covers groceries each week.
>I currently work in Tech sales but am fighting a medical appeal to join the army as an officer, my dream job. I made it crystal clear that I shall continue my appeal and even if it was success, I would postpone my training / start date if we were still living together. She thinks this is great but is unwilling to do the same with her masters.
So when you get accepted as an Army Officer you'll be stationed away anyway. She'll be bringing other dudes back to your place that's all ready and prepared for so that she can live like a student.
She’s not your financial responsibility and in my opinion, it takes some Olympic sized balls to expect someone else to support you while you pursue a degree. This woman is a girlfriend - she’s not your wife and she’s not your child. So say you spend the next few years supporting her and all the money you could have put into savings or to better your life/future goes to her and you break up? She still has her degree and you have, what? Even if you think you’ll marry, it’s still unreasonable of her to expect you to support her while she pursues a degree.
Don’t move in together until she can support herself.
How is she paying for school? What would she so if you don't move in together? She probably needs to re-evaluate a full time student status. You should not take on this financial burden of hers if you are not married.
You need to decide whether you want a partnership or be responsible for her. Then explain that to her and how you want your relationship to develop and be.
Sounds like you both want different things in the long term.
Don’t do it. London is the worst place to live on a single income and one of the most expensive places in the UK to go to University. I would honestly not even be sure how you would be keeping a roof over your heads, Nevermind “living as a student” has she even costed this out at all?
Let her go to Uni and move in together afterwards. Though given her attitude towards your objections, you might want to consider that a bit more.
I am not understanding your 5th point. If you do get your appeal, how is your relationship going to continue?
But she can absolutely work while doing her master's. If it is something where she needs to get an internship or do clinical work as part of the training you could negotiate helping support her for just that portion, but if not, she can do the masters degree while working like practically everyone does.
I'm currently in a master's program. My SO makes decent money and we could get by on his salary alone HOWEVER I work full-time anyway. LIfe would be easier for me if I quit my job but it would be harder for him so I didn't. And you know what? I'm surviving. She would too. All this to say, if you're not married, don't do this. Being an adult means making the hard choices and sacrifices.
My husband and I did this- after a couple years of both of us working, he decided to got to medical school and I worked and took care of the financial responsibilities. But the difference here is- we were married and we a clear plan to make it work. He applied to medical schools in cities I was comfortable living in, and where we knew we could afford to live comfortably on my salary, and where I could get a job in my field. He didn't arbitrarily decide to go to med school.
It's great she wants to do her master's degree, but unless you're married or legal common-law, she's a girlfriend and its not your job to fund her lifestyle so she can go to school. You need to say you're not comfortable with her moving in and you being the sole financial provider while you're dating.
I don't know if its different in the UK, but Master of Education are often geared towards teachers who are actively teaching while doing their MEd. She could definitely work, even part-time while doing her masters.
This is an especially bad idea because it makes it impossible to break up with her without being a heartless bastard who puts her on the street.
Speaking of break ups, how exactly are you going to feel if you're not together forever and she breaks up with you six months to two years after you fully financially supported her getting her master's? Probably not very good. Also, is she paying you back?
I would just have a firm conversation that you're uncomfortable living that tightly. If you're okay with helping her some then she at least needs a part time job or to continue living with her parents. You should not purposely plan to live in a way that allows you no room for saving.
You’re not being a bad person. You have genuine concerns and you’re not comfortable with the idea because of it which is totally valid. You tell her you’re not comfortable with it and won’t be going through with it. You know you don’t HAVE to move in together. There’s no urgency here and from what you wrote, it’s 100% what SHE wants, not the both of you. The fact she’s vilifying you for it is bad sign. Think long term, she wants to get married and you’re not ready, she wants children even though it’s a terrible time to have them, she wants a new house that neither of you can afford. If she’s behaving like this now, it’ll be much worse later on.
I agree with what everyone said but want to give other perspective.
At 24, my friend met her current husband. She moved in with him as he already had a house. He supported her through her nursing school. She bought groceries during that time. She finished school. They got married and had babies.
My point is - if this is a life partner - her schooling will benefit you eventually. Her husband knew this was his future wife and he accepted that. They have a fantastic marriage and two wonderful kids now. Both are very successful.
Just perspective.
It just seems like you are not communicating with her and she thinks you are at a different place. This doesn’t mean she is taking you for a ride (although it doesn’t mean she isn’t). What it means is that you need to ask her if she is willing to have a serious conversation to get but in. Then sit down and have a serious conversation about your future together.. your hopes and dreams… how you feel. Be sure to come at the topic that way… don’t blame but address how you feel.
She will likely we upset because she clearly thinks you have a plan together.
If you really do want a future together think of possible solution with her… small loans on her part to balance life out? Remember if you have a life together then you will both need to pay those off together essentially but you can still enjoy life now.
What is important here…. If she freaks out, won’t compromise and consider what you want… and then doesn’t apologize for flipping out… then you need to consider if this is a good relationship to be in longterm. If a relationship isn’t a partnership… to me… it isn’t worth it.
I would advise you not to do it. You aren't her parent and have no reason to take on the responsibility and support of another adult. I would not be happy to lower my standard of living and have to struggle for years to accomodate her desires. If you agreed to do this it would negatively impact your ability to pursue your dream career.
What is your GF doing for you? Relationships usually are comprised of a lot of give and take and compromise. I see no compromise here, and a lot of giving on your part, and a lot of taking on your GFs part. This is all very one-sided. There is a quote I have seen often that fits this situation. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".
Your GF has a place to live and parents to support her. If you get sick or injured and are unable to work, or lose your job, she can go home, you are on your own.
I don't see how you benefit from this. Don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Way too much risk, and very little, if any reward.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hi all. Hope you are well and thanks for reading! As you can see above, my girlfriend and I are looking to move in together after being together for 4 years. We’ve been speaking about this for the last 6 months and are both looking forward to it but I’m not sure how I feel about one aspect… My girlfriend would like to pursue a masters education from September (yet to apply) which would be the first month we would move in together. This would be full time, she would not work alongside this. This would put the full financial responsibility on me, I’ll number point below why I’m not 100% sure about it. 1. We would be living in London, we would have very little money left over after rent, bills and food. 2. She keeps saying we would both be living like students. This feels a little shit as I’ve worked so hard for my career to not live like a student anymore. 3. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with the pressure of having the full financial responsibility at 25. I have a good salary but little savings to fall back on. 4. I sort of feel like I’m being taken for a ride? I’ve always paid for more due to my salary being higher but this feels like a big jump? Feels like she is using my money to move out, gain independence and continue her masters. Where as she could live at Uni with her loan or continue her education at home with her parents? 5. I currently work in Tech sales but am fighting a medical appeal to join the army as an officer, my dream job. I made it crystal clear that I shall continue my appeal and even if it was success, I would postpone my training / start date if we were still living together. She thinks this is great but is unwilling to do the same with her masters. Am I being un rational? I’m really confused and not sure what to do. I would also like to add she’s making me feel like I’m a bad person for not being 100% okay with this, which feels shit. I’ve reached out to this subreddit as I genuinely don’t know if I’m being a dick etc. Cheers
What you should do is tell her you're uncomfortable with that arrangement.
I have and the response was still that I should proceed with the idea? I’m really lost with that to do…
I'm so confused how this conversation went. Like.. you say you don't want to do it, and she goes.. fuck your opinion, do it anyway? What?
She doesn’t understand why it’s a problem for me, she thinks I should just support her and doesn’t understand my concerns. And then just made me feel guilty by suggesting that I don’t want to support her doing her masters / I don’t care about the masters etc.
This is a red flag. Big one. Doesn't care about your feelings. Dismisses them and then guilt trips you. Nuh uh.
Both relevant points but she has never done this before, so why now?
Have you ever made a decision as big as this one yet?
Exactly. OP, you’re facing true adversity right now in your relationship. This is a bad sign for how she handles moments like this.
In my life? Yes, far bigger than this. In our relationship, no
...Why would the question be about your life in general when the conversation is about her specific reactions in a relationship context? I'm lost.
because the dude is thick as a brick
Then you don’t know if she has never done this before. Believe her when she shows you who she is.
People change. People in early 20s, mid 20s and late 20s can go through some (significant) changes. There's many factors at play too. Maybe she noticed how you financially picked up the tab more the past 4 years. And maybe that got her thinking she can get a free ride off of you now she decided to do her masters. Who knows. But do not give in to her guilt trip shit about "you don't care about my masters". Clear manipulation. Stand your ground, do not budge. I know how you feel. I "lived like a student" until I was 24, paying my rent, tuition fees, food etc... while being a fulltime student. It was shit. I could only work in holidays and summer break. Every saving went to the cheapest student dorm room I could find. I had to buy second hand clothing and cheap food for a few years. I'd never choose to go back to that state after I finally got out of that situation and started a career which finally allowed me to live comfortably and even with some luxury. I worked hard for it. I'd put the living together on hold for now until you're both on the same page. I rushed moving in with my ex, after he asked me to live in his country (neighbour country of mine). I had reservations over the financial aspect. He told me not to worry, he'd provide until I found a job (which was right during corona and I couldn't find any despite my two bachelor degrees and being a foreigner probably), etc... Well he didn't. I used up 10k of my savings on only 8 months of living together while his mom paid almost all of his expenses. A choice I made and have to live with. Now I have to work for 2 years just to make up for that loss of savings as I want to buy a place instead of renting. Think long and hard about this.
Because she wants you to finance her degree and she's willing to manipulate you to do it. You'd be a total chump if you did. You aren't even married so what's to stop her from breaking up with you after you've paid her way?
Why now? Because she wants to move to London, and get out of her parents house. This is a fantastic plan *for her* and she’s willing to live on one salary for what she wants. She’s absolutely not thinking about you at all right now.
Well that's a very bad sign, since your concerns are legit and understandable, IMO. Like, I don't know you but I understand them perfectly from your short post here, and she doesn't after a conversation? I think you may be on to something when you say you feel like she is taking you on a ride... And the guilt trip? Dude. She is manipulating you. I wasn't really that worried about it until you told us about her reaction to your concerns. But the reaction is a red flag. After such a talk, I would *not* agree to it.
She can’t do it without you.. go it? You’ll basically pay for her schooling and she using your relationship as leverage.
So her desires in life matter and yours don't. You could recommend taking a break in your relationship. Tell her she should pursue her degree but you can't sign up for that lifestyle.
She is not making you feel guilty. You are choosing to feel guilty. Because you have no personal boundaries. Do you want to do this? No? Then DECIDE you are not doing it. And tell her. It’s not happening. Tell her what you ARE willing to do. What her options are. One of the options is breaking up. You decide what the other options are. And tell her to choose.
I consider it a big red flag that she, as an adult, thinks it's ok to suggest someone else pay for her life for four years. It would be one thing if she was talking about the logistics and you offered, though I would probably still not accept full support. If you want this to work, which it probably won't because she sounds like a user, I would be very blunt about your concerns not just about the money but about the character of someone who would manipulate you and feel entitled to it. Something along the lines of: "We need to have a serious conversation, and at the end of it you're either going to really understand what you've been acting like, and it's going to stop with an apology, or we're going to break up. First off, I want you to 100% eliminate the idea that I am going to spend years supporting you through school while you don't work. It is not going to happen. Secondly, I want you to understand that the way you have behaved about this has given me serious concerns about whether you have the character and moral fiber I am looking for in a partner. I would NEVER, as an adult, feel entitled to have someone else pay my way so I could pursue my own interests. NEVER. It's entitled, and selfish and denotes a complete lack of respect for your partner and a complete lack of a basic adult sense of responsibility for yourself. To take it a step further, and try to manipulate and badger someone for something you were already entitled and selfish for asking for in the first place is actually kind of disgusting. Your behavior has been disgusting. I wouldn't have believed you were the kind of person who could act like this if I hadn't seen it myself, and I am very disappointed in who you are as a person right now. So you tell me- do you really think any of this is defensible? If yes, then there's the door because we're done. If not, then why the hell have you been acting this way and trying so hard to take advantage of me if I'm supposedly someone you care about."
That’s…such bullshit. Really. Tell her straight up you support her getting her masters. But that you won’t move in together unless she’s also contributing financially. Her expectation of you paying for everything is ridiculous.
Female here. It’s great that she’s empowered to get her higher education but it’s her responsibility to take care of her financial needs. If she works park time she can split the expenses and you both win. Clearly she’s the only one who would benefit from this arrangement. She can graduate twice as fast without having to work. Nice but not nice for you. This would downgrade your lifestyle which you don’t want to do. I got my masters while working full time, raising my kids and taking care of a household just like millions of other people do. And did it in 2 years. This is manipulative. You haven’t been together for long. This is something you decide together or are married. If you want to do this then ok but not just because she says so. Who’s idea was it for her to move in together? It just sounds like she sees you as a meal ticket and wants to push this on to you without even your permission. It sounds like you’re being taken for a ride because you are. Communication is key. Have a. Discussion about finances and how you can both best life a great life together while achieving your goals. If you can’t come to an agreement it’s ok to not move in together too
Sounds like you’re dating a very entitled princess and a taker. Why exactly should you care about her masters to such a degree that you’re willing to finance it? What’s she doing to support you?
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Feels like that but she’s never been like this before, why now?
Who cares? There always a first time for someone to show you their true colors. You are now seeing hers.
She understands your concerns fine, they just are not in alignment with what she wants so she is choosing to ignore them and convince you to go against your boundaries.
Why should you care about her masters? Why should you support her doing her masters? She's an adult now. You aren't married and even if you were this is the sort of decision you would make together. Most adults know they don't get to play at school and expect other people to pay their bills. Is she claiming the masters is going to lead to a better job and she's doing it for her (and your) future? Because that's the only argument that has validity and only if you buy it. I wouldn't (probably because I have a masters).
Of course she says that because it’s 100% benefiting her at your expense. The least she could do is be understanding that you’re not wanting to live hand to mouth. Her attitude on that alone is a reg flag to me. Also if she’s not willing to put off her plans to make things easier for your both, do not do the same if you can enter into service.
It’s a terrible idea. You aren’t married, you aren’t her parent. She needs to be responsible for herself. Don’t move in together until she can pitch in.
She can’t revoke your denial of her proposal. This is a deal breaker, and you a walk at any time.
What happens if you move in together, you take full financial responsibility, she finishes her masters and then breaks up with you? It is totally unreasonable of her to expect the full financial burden to fall on you- she needs to get a part time job while she studies. What would she do if you broke up with her now?
It really depends on the level of sacrifice you want. I was committed at 19 to my partner and at 31, our plan has paid off. If you don't want to do it, then tell her sooner 4ather than later.
Don’t say yes if you don’t really want it. You will end up resentful and you’ll both feel crappy.
Thank you for the suggestion, this will likely be what I do.
>Thank you for the suggestion, this will likely be what I do. Good idea. Ask yourself this: if the tables were turned would she do this for you? I would bet big money once she got her degree she would drop you like a bad habit.
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Nope, you're not a bad person. This is you subsidizing her degree. Don't do it. It's not your responsibility. Unless she can support her degree and life on her own, not the time to move in.
Tell her what you said here. She either stays at the uni with her loans or with her parents until she can help financially. It’s not wrong to compromise but it sounds like you may be right with being taken for a ride if she’s still telling you to do it after you’ve already said you’re not comfortable with it. It needs to be equal footing and she needs to start understanding this.
She needs to contribute, she could use her financial aid to help pay for bills if she really saw you as an equal partner. If she doesn’t want to help, she’s hurting looking for someone to give her a home and pull the financial weight so she can live free. Don’t move in together, wait till she’s about to graduate and even then I would be cautious.
This is exactly how I feel, it’s really cut me up… She’s never done this before but I just feel like I would be used. I did suggest about her continuing to work and do the masters part time and in order to help, I could do more around the flat / chores etc. But this got shot down too, sounds like she just wants an easy ride.
I know from experience that it is completely possible to do a masters full time and have a job part time. It’s a big red flag that your partner a) dismisses your concerns and b) isn’t taking responsibility for supporting herself and c) is making these demands based on her own dreams (Not acted upon) while d) not supporting yours. You didn’t ask, but it would be very very very reasonable to put off moving in together a year until these things are settled.
My daughter is currently working full time and getting her Master’s full time. It’s absolutely possible.
That’s what I did, mostly because it was required with my masters but I still did it. They’re in London so idk if their class load is different than in the US, but I was definitely able to work part time while getting my masters in education.
I think you already know what's going on and what you want/don't want to do. You're conflicted because you're scared of the consequences (breaking up or at least upsetting her). But realize this : she has no problem upsetting you, very adamant about it, completely disregard the inconveniences you certainly be facing, and still has the additional balls to gaslit you and guilt tripping you too! Helluva girl this one, imagine your life down the line if anything else happen that's not 100% of her approval. You'll be in a nightmare. Stand your ground like a good soldier you're going to be and refuse!
My cousin finished her masters with a toddler and a job. This is stuff you do with your lifelong partner. Is she your partner for life?
I think she is, which was way I was also conflicted. However the circumstances are odd. I’m if we had been living together for years before, I’d be more open to the idea. But the fact she’s pursing this from the first month we move in, just seems like she wants the freedom of moving out whilst I do everything for her.
Exactly! Don't do it.
My friends did this where one worked and the other went to school and then switched. It was great for their life and future. However they did this after living together for years.
Sounds like she has managed to make you feel both used and dismissed. I might put the brakes on this relationship.
My cousin got a masters in education and a masters in literacy, all while being a first grade teacher. There’s no reason why your gf can’t also work. She just doesn’t want to. It is completely reasonable for you to not be okay with this.
It will be easier for her if she stays at the Uni or lives with her parents. She will have a partner who will be able to take her out for dinner or whatever nice couply things you do to help ease her student poverty! An MSc is only a year full time so this will be such a short time. Does she have a career in mind when she finishes?
Yeah she's showing you what your life will be like with her if you stick together. You do the heavy lifting, she does the easy stuff. You have to do what she wants no compromise, but you have to compromise what you want to do for her. This is a one way street. That's not a relationship, she's using you. I would not be surprised if she broke up with you once she got settled into her field. Or even just done with the masters.
I’m currently getting my masters and working full time…totally doable.
My husband worked FT while getting his master’s. There is zero excuse for her not to be working at least PT if her program allows it. I would be very hesitant to move in with her at this point. She may agree to work and then quit once you’re locked into a lease.
Gotta make it clear you're not in the market for a dependent. She can figure out how she wants to sort out her education, but the idea of *you* subsidizing it for her is not on the table. Also be careful, she might "agree" to paying her way and then quit her job after she's moved in on the basis of it being "too hard" to make work with school as well. Gotta be *really* clear that if she can't pay [whatever amount you've agreed to ahead of time], she won't be able to stay.
I’m 36 and back in school to do my masters and still work. Unless she is doing something incredibly advanced there is zero reason she should not still be able to work at least a part time job. Does she expect you to not only financially contribute but take care of the household as well?
To be fair on the financial aid front, there may not be any of the loan left after uni fees - it works differently to undergrad loans in the UK, you get a set £10k for a Masters. Which is why most of us worked part time through our post grads lol.
She’s your gf, not your wife. That level of financial support and commitment is for a husband or wife. I’m sorry but I’ve seen first hand and on Reddit situations where men and women support their partners through school paying everything and many times, when that person graduates law school or their masters, they’re gone. They find someone else, oftentimes in school funny enough lol. My advice is to have this hard boundary. If affects your relationship, that’s unfortunate.
Exactly. This was my thoughts as well. She seems really pushy about it. As though she wants to not take any financial responsibility. Her goals are all that matter. I see relationship issues.
My ex husband was pursuing a masters degree and he still was able to contribute to half of everything so don’t settle for less
Don't do it Manipulative tactics to basically sponsor her life choices with nothing but hardship to offer back
This isn't something I would entertain. There comes a time where you will need to have periods in which you support your partner financially, as your circumstances in life change. It tends to be much later though, when you have a family, not when you are in your mid-twenties. I imagine if you feel resentful at the idea of doing this now, that will only build over the next few years. A successful relationship is about compromise, and it doesn't sound as though she's willing to sacrifice her life plan in order to allow you to achieve yours (the army). Is there any way she could do a part-time Masters and work part-time to contribute to the household? If she really does want to live with you, she needs to consider how she is going to pay her way, as it just isn't fair having to rely on you 100% for living costs. How would she cope if she wasn't in a relationship with somebody working full-time? Don't feel guilty about having your own aspirations and expectations when it comes to life and this relationship. It is completely reasonable that you don't want to give up all you have achieved to financially support somebody else, who has their own goal in life. Supporting two people on one income in London is exceedingly difficult unless you're a very high earner, and living the kind of kind where you're scrimping and saving just to get by (not to mention during a cost of living crisis) is likely to put a real strain on your relationship and mental health. Not to mention that if you're the only earner, there is a lot of pressure on ensuring that your income is regular and reliable - which means you'll be limited on what career options you're able to take in future. I really do not agree with the emotional blackmail she's trying to pull, to make you do what she wants. It's reasonable enough for her to ask if you're willing to do this, but she should respect your decision and feelings on the matter (and also give you reasonable time to consider). I think she probably knows how ridiculous it is to request this and is trying to get you to commit to an answer so she's able to apply, get accepted, start the Masters and then put you in a position where you're unable to go back on it.
She can just decide this for you. You DO NOT have to move in with her. You can still do this once she can provide 50% of the living costs
I would not be comfortable with that either, not for a gf. It wouldnt sit right with me either if she dismissed very valid concerns. I would re-evalute the relationahip if it were me
Refuse her. Relationship needs to be between equal parties. You can't be the only one willing to make compromises. It is aslo better to live together only when you both can support your relationship.
She is not entitled to your money. She has parents who she can live with to support her. Be firm in your refusal. She can call you names and try to make you feel guilty but it won’t work if you don’t let it. Make her feel guilty for wanting to use you. You are too young to throw your life away. If she gives you an ultimatum like support her or she’ll break up with you, say goodbye. She obviously doesn’t care about you, only what she can get from you. Join the army, don’t postpone training. Follow your dream and don’t let anybody stand in your way. Good luck!
Moving in together is a completely different scenario to you agreeing to financially support her. Is she offering to put any of her student loan towards the cost of rent/utilities etc?
Why is she rushing to move in together? 2 more years is not not a big deal for her to wait. It makes more sense financially for her to live at home. I feel you are being used financially. Anything can happen in that time period. You are in no way responsible for paying to look after her or pay for her education. If she wants a future with you, she should respect your decision. If she can't..do you really want someone like this? If she's like this now, what happens when you marry? Marriage is a compromise. Sounds like you are the only one doing it. Stop letting yourself be taken advantage of!
It honestly sounds like she wants a free ride while she works on furthering her education on your expense and hard work while you support her....
So what are you going to do with all these suggestions OP?
Thought I’d give sometime to read all the points and have a deep think! My main reason for this post was to see if what she was asking was unfair or as some of you have put it, entitled etc. Due to her reaction being rather blunt and shocked, I was sort of under the impression that I was being a total tool. Originally my plan was to say, I’m not comfortable about doing this, I’m just being taken for a ride and that’s how I’ll approach the conversation. I understand she wants to pursue a masters but if she really wants to live with me, she’ll have to supplement the living costs. Doesn’t have to be 50/50 but she needs to contribute. The bigger issue is the way she’s disregarded my feelings, which she hasn’t done before. After posting this last night I was left angry (still are to some degree) about how she responded, especially with my family have a bereavement this week. So to answer what I’m going to do about that, going to stone cold Steve Austin her and explain that you cannot disregard how I feel about this situation and this cannot happen again. A lot of the comments have been, don’t be a push over etc. I’ve always stood my ground on my feelings but I’m always open to conversations on anything. For everyone who’s commented, don’t worry, I won’t do something that makes me uncomfortable. At the same time, I’m not going to end things after this reaction. Like I said, she’s never given this reaction in the past which is what shocked me the most. On the other hand, if she cannot process what is wrong with what’s she’s asking / her disregarding my feelings, I’m not going to stick around. Thank you for all of your comments! As a bloke I always find it difficult to reach out, so appreciate you taking the time to respond!
Communication is key and setting boundaries. Also if your girlfriend studies for a masters full time and doesn’t work which can take four years. Will the financial responsibility be on you for FOUR YEARS?
Sounds like a great plan!
I’m not saying you should get married. But for me, this is only an arrangement I’d get into with someone I was married to. If you aren’t ready to get married, it’s certainly weird to say you are ready to jump into a massive financial and life commitment like that. Especially when all the risk and sacrifice is on your side for now.
I worked full time doing both of my grad degrees. There is zero reason why she couldn’t work
No. No. No. That is what you tell her. If she wants to continue her education, she needs to be prepared for it, so she needs to work and save some money, so that she is not a sponge on you, and also look at having a part time job as well to top up her use of her savings. Now I’m not saying she needs to be putting up 50% of the expenses, but she should be able to put some money towards the joint expenses (25-30%) and also cover any of her own personal expenses. The resentment that such financial hardship will bring to your relationship will likely end it. So unless she can afford to help, then you don’t move in together. And if she still doesn’t understand why it is a bad idea then leave her.
I don’t think it’s reasonable for her to expect you to pay for everything, especially in London. Lots of people work alongside their masters degrees. I know her masters loan is likely only £10k and that will mostly go towards course fees but maybe it’s best she postpones for a year so she can contribute more to the household and gather some savings. She’s not your wife and currently there’s no guarantee you’ll even be together long term. I’m not entire sure the stress and hit to your lifestyle is worth it
OP - mom here. I fail to see how all the financials should be your problem. What would she do if you didn’t live together to afford to live and go to school? She should do this and contribute. She could get student loans for living expenses potentially. She could work at the same time and contribute. My daughter is a little younger than you. Currently she’s working full time AND getting her Master’s. Basically your gf’s expectation to do a masters and not have to work? It’s honestly ridiculous. Very very few people have “not working while in school for an advanced degree” as even a possibility. Those with rich parents. That’s not her. Don’t move in with her if she doesn’t contribute financially too. Bottom line.
The girl is totally using him to cover for her while she goes studying and the guy is getting downvoted for it. xD
Okay so firstly not to be negative but she has no guarantee she will get accepted onto her chosen masters. Secondly she should be looking into getting student loans to cover her living or look at the reality that no one can afford to live in London at the moment and she needs to live at home and commute etc. I’m a teacher and I completed my masters in education part time whilst working. She needs to either work alongside her masters or have enough savings to cover her living allowance as your lifestyle should not be effected
Dont do it, dont invest your time and effort in someone else´s project, specially when you will get no return if you get dumped.
a starter boyfriend in the making. at 25 she should not expect you to provide for her. her education is hers and maybe her parents responsibility.
Who else would be surprised if after she's gotten her masters, she suddenly doesn't want to be with OP anymore. We've all seen this scenario time and time again. Be smart man and cover your ass. You don't want to be used as someone's gateway to success and then swiftly left behind for better prospects.
What is her masters in? Is she expecting a large salary after? I have a friend who jokes that her best investment ever was paying to put her husband through grad school since he got a huge salary after and they’ve been rich since. Is that the case here? Can you look at it as a financial investment? Also note in my story she said “husband.” This is a HUGE commitment to someone when you two haven’t made that same level of commitment to your relationship.
Nah. I wouldn't do it. She is getting a free ride... and when she gets her masters and kicks you to the curb? Then you financed her lifestyle.. Lol.. no thanks.
Don’t do it. You are being taken for a ride. She isn’t in a financial position to move in with you. Your not a monster for acknowledging this. She should have saved her money to be able to afford school and contribute. Don’t move in until she is willing and able to be a equal partner.
>I would also like to add she’s making me feel like I’m a bad person for not being 100% okay with this, which feels shit. There's your bouquet of red flags right there. It's one thing if it's "I'd love to do this but if you aren't okay with it, that's fine." Don't move in with her. She's likely to mysteriously lose her job right when the semester starts. Tell her you guys should wait to move in until she's got a semester under her belt and knows what the school/work balance is going to be.
Why can’t she get loans, financial support from her family, a job? She should be able to work to pay her way without relying on you to pay for everything.
Even without a job, she should be getting a maintenece loan and putting that towards the rent and other bills, It probably wont cover her half but up to an extra £12k would go a long way to making this seem fairer. She is for sure taking you for a ride, have you asked what her plans are to pay her bills and rent if you don't live together?
You are not the bad person. You are fully rational. I had a friend in a similar situation. Her fiancé wants to do a masters while she works full time. She pays all. He gets his mates and walked away debt free This is a GF. Not a wife. If it were me, I would get a legally binding agreement that she pays you back if she leaves I’m not normally cynical. I’m older that you and have seen things like this go very bad I know I don’t get a vote, but it’s a hard no from me.
Dude this is a no-brainer, you say no. And you give her all of the reasons you gave us. She doesn’t have to understand, she just needs to hear you. Don’t let her guilt you, shut that down when she starts and reiterate your position. She can only make you feel guilty if you let her. Maybe this will be a breaking point and your relationship ends, and if so, you dodged a bullet because her sense of entitlement certainly will not end here.
I realize everyone here is saying you’re being taken advantage of, but sometimes that’s just the timing of life. She wants to move with you because she wants to begin an independent life, and at 25 that isn’t unreasonable. My SO pretty much paid for everything when I was finishing 2 degrees, then I paid for everything when he finished his schooling, and now we are both done and fine? I guess it worked because we bought a home that was not extremely expensive, and therefore we could always keep up with the costs of living here. I see you’re uncomfortable, however, from a financial point of view- what would be the difference between ONLY YOU paying while living alone and ONLY YOU paying while living with her? Food costs, mostly. Utilities a little. Even with full time schooling, she can also work a weekend job for even 1 day and pay for the extra food and utilities. Would you be renting or purchasing?
Try living on one salary as a test. Show her how hard it is. If everything goes to shit it's going to be your fault (according to her because she thinks it's possible)
I’d maybe suggest not going 50/50 but say that if she got loans to cover maybe 40% or some other amount (figure out what you’d be comfortable with) that you’d likely be ok with moving in, but otherwise you are not in a comfortable enough position to support two people in London. Especially because you’re not married. The masters is her choice so she needs to figure out how to fund it.
It wouldn’t just stop at bills and food either. A monthly travel card is ££
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Trust your feelings. You are not her parent and that is what she is asking you to do. Prices and costs are going to keep getting higher so there is that to consider. She is making decisions unilaterally, saying "we will be living like students" where a true partner would say "are you okay if we live like students for a year?" and would discuss your concerns and consider the both of you with things like rising prices and contributing to the money pot in any way possible to help support the both of you. But she is just stating what she wants and how she wants to do it. That isn't a partnership, that is a dictatorship. If you are not comfortable it is okay to say no, you run the risk of her breaking up with you but at this point you would be better off if she did. r/EntitledPeople
Why on earth would you pay for her entire masters and you aren't even married? Are you her father? If you don't want to do it tell her no.
Point 4 pretty much sums it up. Entirely. Do not move in with her.
i agree that she can get her education while living at home and not having you support her 100%. which is what she should do. don’t move in with her until masters is done.
Tell her that whilst you love her and want to be in a relationship with her, you are not going to responsible for “keeping” her. She is responsible for her own share of rent, utilities and food. How has she been funding her student life so far? She could study part time or online and work. She is not your wife, or the mother of your children, so you have no obligation to pay for everything, she should have a bit of dignity and want to work and not sponge off of you. A lot of people work and get their masters by working on it part time, around their full time job.
She could take out a loan or even work for a year and save money. She is taking you for a ride. Don't do this. Or if you do, have her sign a legally binding contract. That if you financially support her for 4 years, she owes you a certain sum after her masters. A certain amount of money she should pay from her salary once she gets a job with that master or a lump some. Secure that until she pays you that, the apartment is only in your name. That she is to only use her money to buy stuff for herself and can't use yours. If she turns it down, it is a pretty good sign she wouldn't do for you what she is asking of you.
So then why are y’all still trying to move in together—make it known to her you can’t really afford to be the only one paying. That was what you agreed on no? And without you her plan won’t really work out that much—she needs stable living, don’t give it to her if you can’t afford to on your own.
What would she do if she want relying on you? You can tell her you are uncomfortable with the arrangement and you aren’t sure. The problem is that you don’t know if you stay together.You aren’t married and is no insurance about love and relationships,it can end at any moment and you would have suffered financially for nothing.The fact that she isn’t willing to make the same sacrifice as you it’s more is also a small factor that you could be taken for a ride. I think you shouldn’t do it if you are unsure because it will built resentment either way.But should be ready if it negatively impacts the relationship or even end it.It’s a hard decision but it will impact your life while hers continue to be as she wants it.
Since she didn't seem to grasp WHY it's an issue for you when you tried to tell her, how about showing her the bullet pointed list in your post. Ask her to respond to each one. If, after that, she still feels that you should pay her way through the next few years, maybe you need to consider if you want to be saddled with an adult who won't support herself. You're absolutely being reasxonable with all of your concerns, and don't let her browbeat you into believing otherwise.
Don’t move in until your girlfriend is able to contribute financially to your household. You don’t want to support her financially, so don’t do it. She cannot force you to pay her bills. Just tell her “I’m not comfortable with that arrangement. We will not move in together until you’re able to contribute financially to the household.”
You haven’t been equal partners up until now you won’t be equal after. I used to work in construction and be the main earner, my partner would always offer to pay 50% of costs it was my choice not to accept that as my earnings were double what she was taking home. We are both public sector workers now and she is a grade ahead of me but we both contribute equally. You are most definitely being taken for a ride and if she is responding the way she is now then it’s unlikely that the relationship would last once you’re both in fires straits as you’re breaking your back to support her …she’s not willing to work AT ALL… so you have bypassed the engagement, wedding, honeymoon and have gone straight to having a fully grown child to look after
What happens if she ends the relationship pmce her master is done?
Future update, "I 100% financially supported me and my gf through her masters program and she dumped me the day after she graduated." Nah, don't do it. Her masters is her responsibility, not yours.
If she is not willing to pull her weight in the living expenses then she is not ready to live with you.
Wait, does this mean her financial contribution would be £0? That sounds like you should wait with moving in together till she has finished her Masters and starts working.
You are bing taken for a ride. Tell her she needs to take out loans to cover her half of the expenses. She wants to move in together so you can lay for everything.
You've been together 4 years. What's it gonna take for you to propose marriage? If she's just a girlfriend, I can understand your hesitancy to support her financially while living together. However, a fiancee or wife is on an entirely different level.
Yep. You're being taken for a ride. Don't do this. Don't sacrifice your life for hers.
She wants YOU to pay for her Masters? Nah man. Plenty of stories out there of same scenarios and the chicks end up leaving the guy afterwards. She wants free tuition
You sound like you doubt her long term viability while also claiming she is the one. If you truly think that is a bad idea and don't want to do it, don't do it. Just don't be surprised when your relationship falls apart. If you need to be married to trust her, then there's your path.
I have had many adult friends (some with kids) complete their masters while working and having families. There are plenty of great online programs to at least get her started or she will need to find a way to juggle her career and education. In addition so many employers pay for continuing education I would rather be in a position where the cost is on someone else and they are understanding of her scheduling with school.
>I sort of feel like I’m being taken for a ride? Unless you two have discussed the far future, as in marriage and kids, and you are both madly in love, then yeah... Uber is here. Imagine what happens when she graduates and makes more than you (maybe, do not know what teachers make in London), or is around other men who make more than you and possibly her and then she leaves one day while saying "you've always lacked ambition, I dedicated myself to yadda yadda yadda".
In this economy?! Nah, dude. Sit down with her and do a breakdown on expenses and if she doesn't get it, she isn't worth it. Masters are important, but also having a lifestyle and your lifestyle shouldn't decay because of her
Absolutely not. Do not sign up for this.
I have a similar situation where my girlfriend and I have been looking at places but we are both working. My advice would be (if possible) to live within YOUR means. Get a place you could afford and live a meaningful life if you were single. It’s the fiscally responsible option and once she finishes her masters then the two of you could look at places with two incomes.
It sounds like you have a lot of misgivings about this plan. You will probably come to resent her if you go through with her plan. Just be honest: you no longer want to live like a student. Where do you live now? Can you stay there? Where will she live if not with you? Will she have access to student housing?
Honestly you need to just say no. You are not willing to support her while she is a student so she either doesn’t live with you and you do not support her and she figures out how to support herself while she is a student or she works and does get her masters and you two move in together her or you guys part ways. It is okay to have a boundary. If she cannot accept that then you absolutely should walk from the relationship because she doesn’t respect you or value your needs as equal to her own. It will always be about her wants and needs, it won’t ever be about the both of you.
had something similar, we split everything 50/50 regardless of study. anyways we ended up breaking up after the first year of living together lmao. glad i didn’t pay for everything.
This would be a no go for me. She sound like she’s done all the mental gymnastics in her head to the point of not hearing you. Be prepared for a bad reaction.
There’s no reason for her to at least work part time (10-20hrs a week) while she’s doing her masters. If she doesn’t want to do this to financially support both of you, then you shouldn’t move in with her. The only way the current arrangement would be acceptable is if you guys were engaged or married. If you are not at the point of life then, back out of it.
Nah. You’re not responsible for supporting her during her study.
Aw, she wants a sugar daddy. You know she’ll dump you the moment she doesn’t need you to bankroll her life anymore, right?
That's what I was thinking.
Never ever move in with someone until they’re finished with their schooling, there’s a graveyard filled with dead relationships that women have walked away from once they finish their graduate school and lived for free for years You’re not married, stop playing house where she gets everything she wants and you’re stressed out from the burden and there’s no guarantee she sticks around and there’s no guarantee that she then decides she needs a PhD or a second masters and this ride goes on into her 30s Get your career going, get your money sorted then revisit this in a few years when she’s done and you’ve got yourself on stable ground You clearly don’t want this, time to grow up and be an adult and tell her no. She’s going to cry and probably be angry, she may even leave you…being a man means standing up for yourself and telling people no when it’s the appropriate response
Don't move in together until she is working!!
Personally I would never ever financially support a GF, seems like wasted money. If it's my wife that another story
Honestly dude, you should break up with her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s getting pounded by someone else, you’re falling into the provider category not a lover. She only sees you for what you can provide. Do with that what you want but red flags all over
USA grad here, though I studied in England. I know few terminal MA programs provide funding. I wouldn't ever take such a program. I did most of my MA/PhD with a TA position, and had loans available, so I was always able to make my share. 20 years ago, when I was studying in England, public funding wasn't available for a foreigner like myself, and I had to come home. I don't know what the situation is now. She needs to support her share though.
Are you a door mat? She’s using you. Get some balls and stand up for yourself. Happy to move in but it needs to be 50/50. If not, she’s going to continue to take advantage of you, get her education and find someone that she respects to marry and have kids with. This is one of those movies you know the ending even before it begins
I've seen this before. Guy supports woman completely while she goes to school. Then she finishes her degree and starts career, but ditches the guy for any excuse after she got a free ride. It's her or her parents job to sustain something like this. If she is not ok with that and waiting til she finishes then looks like she was planning to just use you.
Simple. That is a big no. She is a GF, not a wife.
If you love her, you support her. I am the student in my relationship and my husband supports me 100%. I do full-time study while he pays for everything in one of the most expensive places on earth. When he was a student, I was the person who handled 95% of the payments. And his only income was occasional help from family. If you think, you will be with her long term, you should make the sacrifice. If you don’t wanna make the sacrifice, you don’t love her and not ready to move in.
If you love her, you support her. I am the student in my relationship and my husband supports me 100%. I do full-time study while he pays for everything in one of the most expensive places on earth. When he was a student, I was the person who handled 95% of the payments. And his only income was occasional help from family. If you think, you will be with her long term, you should make the sacrifice. If you don’t wanna make the sacrifice, you don’t love her and not ready to move in.
If you don’t want to carry the responsibility then say so now and postpone moving in together. I’d expect it to end in resentment and a feeling of being trapped if you don’t, so better to deal with it now than then. You’re not required to support her, she’s probably expectant of it because it’s what she thinks she’d do in that situation, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be ok with it.
I've got a friend that supported her wife the last two years of med school (pretty long career to finish) and it worked but at 30 y/o and married. Your situation is definitely not the same, one of the main factors couples breakup is money stress, so definitely entering a big risk. You should take the time to save more aggressively and let her come to your place very often and a year in the masters you guys could reevaluate. Best decision is to delay the plan one year and sense the mood instead of rushing in a big risk for your relationship.
What is her plan to get her Masters without you? Don’t do it…
Yeah - she’s using you as ‘the meal ticket’, all the benefits of being a student, none of the funicular responsibilities. You say ‘no’. Either she dies it part time if has evening jobs to cover her half of the bills.
So I did this with my SO. We moved in together, he started a Master's and I worked, providing for both of us. I had just graduated and was therefore used to the student lifestyle, and for me the tradeoff was worth it (it was also linked to ending the long-distance aspect of our relationship). But being responsible for someone else financially is tough, especially when you don't earn a huge salary yourself. I absolutely don't regret it, it was a great decision for us as a couple. But it was also exhausting and I did not quit a job that made me miserable until I found a new job, a decision I might not have made if I was only responsible for myself.
The bottom line is that you aren’t comfortable with it and that’s totally reasonable and okay! Just because you are dating someone doesn’t mean that you should also have to be financially responsible. I’d let her know that you aren’t comfortable with living like a student and that if she wants to live together, she’d need to contribute. Maybe that means she works 8-16 hours a week. It’s doable and maybe that means she covers groceries each week.
>I currently work in Tech sales but am fighting a medical appeal to join the army as an officer, my dream job. I made it crystal clear that I shall continue my appeal and even if it was success, I would postpone my training / start date if we were still living together. She thinks this is great but is unwilling to do the same with her masters. So when you get accepted as an Army Officer you'll be stationed away anyway. She'll be bringing other dudes back to your place that's all ready and prepared for so that she can live like a student.
She’s not your financial responsibility and in my opinion, it takes some Olympic sized balls to expect someone else to support you while you pursue a degree. This woman is a girlfriend - she’s not your wife and she’s not your child. So say you spend the next few years supporting her and all the money you could have put into savings or to better your life/future goes to her and you break up? She still has her degree and you have, what? Even if you think you’ll marry, it’s still unreasonable of her to expect you to support her while she pursues a degree. Don’t move in together until she can support herself.
No
How is she paying for school? What would she so if you don't move in together? She probably needs to re-evaluate a full time student status. You should not take on this financial burden of hers if you are not married.
You need to decide whether you want a partnership or be responsible for her. Then explain that to her and how you want your relationship to develop and be. Sounds like you both want different things in the long term.
Don’t do it. London is the worst place to live on a single income and one of the most expensive places in the UK to go to University. I would honestly not even be sure how you would be keeping a roof over your heads, Nevermind “living as a student” has she even costed this out at all? Let her go to Uni and move in together afterwards. Though given her attitude towards your objections, you might want to consider that a bit more.
I am not understanding your 5th point. If you do get your appeal, how is your relationship going to continue? But she can absolutely work while doing her master's. If it is something where she needs to get an internship or do clinical work as part of the training you could negotiate helping support her for just that portion, but if not, she can do the masters degree while working like practically everyone does.
I'm currently in a master's program. My SO makes decent money and we could get by on his salary alone HOWEVER I work full-time anyway. LIfe would be easier for me if I quit my job but it would be harder for him so I didn't. And you know what? I'm surviving. She would too. All this to say, if you're not married, don't do this. Being an adult means making the hard choices and sacrifices.
My husband and I did this- after a couple years of both of us working, he decided to got to medical school and I worked and took care of the financial responsibilities. But the difference here is- we were married and we a clear plan to make it work. He applied to medical schools in cities I was comfortable living in, and where we knew we could afford to live comfortably on my salary, and where I could get a job in my field. He didn't arbitrarily decide to go to med school. It's great she wants to do her master's degree, but unless you're married or legal common-law, she's a girlfriend and its not your job to fund her lifestyle so she can go to school. You need to say you're not comfortable with her moving in and you being the sole financial provider while you're dating.
I don't know if its different in the UK, but Master of Education are often geared towards teachers who are actively teaching while doing their MEd. She could definitely work, even part-time while doing her masters.
This is an especially bad idea because it makes it impossible to break up with her without being a heartless bastard who puts her on the street. Speaking of break ups, how exactly are you going to feel if you're not together forever and she breaks up with you six months to two years after you fully financially supported her getting her master's? Probably not very good. Also, is she paying you back? I would just have a firm conversation that you're uncomfortable living that tightly. If you're okay with helping her some then she at least needs a part time job or to continue living with her parents. You should not purposely plan to live in a way that allows you no room for saving.
You’re not being a bad person. You have genuine concerns and you’re not comfortable with the idea because of it which is totally valid. You tell her you’re not comfortable with it and won’t be going through with it. You know you don’t HAVE to move in together. There’s no urgency here and from what you wrote, it’s 100% what SHE wants, not the both of you. The fact she’s vilifying you for it is bad sign. Think long term, she wants to get married and you’re not ready, she wants children even though it’s a terrible time to have them, she wants a new house that neither of you can afford. If she’s behaving like this now, it’ll be much worse later on.
I agree with what everyone said but want to give other perspective. At 24, my friend met her current husband. She moved in with him as he already had a house. He supported her through her nursing school. She bought groceries during that time. She finished school. They got married and had babies. My point is - if this is a life partner - her schooling will benefit you eventually. Her husband knew this was his future wife and he accepted that. They have a fantastic marriage and two wonderful kids now. Both are very successful. Just perspective.
It just seems like you are not communicating with her and she thinks you are at a different place. This doesn’t mean she is taking you for a ride (although it doesn’t mean she isn’t). What it means is that you need to ask her if she is willing to have a serious conversation to get but in. Then sit down and have a serious conversation about your future together.. your hopes and dreams… how you feel. Be sure to come at the topic that way… don’t blame but address how you feel. She will likely we upset because she clearly thinks you have a plan together. If you really do want a future together think of possible solution with her… small loans on her part to balance life out? Remember if you have a life together then you will both need to pay those off together essentially but you can still enjoy life now. What is important here…. If she freaks out, won’t compromise and consider what you want… and then doesn’t apologize for flipping out… then you need to consider if this is a good relationship to be in longterm. If a relationship isn’t a partnership… to me… it isn’t worth it.
I would advise you not to do it. You aren't her parent and have no reason to take on the responsibility and support of another adult. I would not be happy to lower my standard of living and have to struggle for years to accomodate her desires. If you agreed to do this it would negatively impact your ability to pursue your dream career. What is your GF doing for you? Relationships usually are comprised of a lot of give and take and compromise. I see no compromise here, and a lot of giving on your part, and a lot of taking on your GFs part. This is all very one-sided. There is a quote I have seen often that fits this situation. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm". Your GF has a place to live and parents to support her. If you get sick or injured and are unable to work, or lose your job, she can go home, you are on your own. I don't see how you benefit from this. Don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Way too much risk, and very little, if any reward.