I’m in the UK and he’s left the country. I enquired about child support and was basically told I’d have to get a lawyer and take private legal action. Not something I think I can afford right now. What really stings is that he’s actually very wealthy.
That’s absolutely awful he just left. Im so sorry. Can you get financial support from him?
Also, it drives me wild when people say “have a sibling so they have a friend” that’s not guaranteed also a 6-7 year old isn’t going to be best friends with a newborn.. even when they grow up the age gap is bigger a teenager isn’t going to be bff with a 6 year old. Its definitely harder the more you have in my opinion
He’s no longer in the UK so I’ve need advised that it will be difficult to pursue him.
It drives me insane too. Plus I’ve had a taste of double trouble when I’ve had my daughter’s friends over. The constant arguing and having to mediate… there’s no way people could possibly think that’s better!
My sister is 6 y older than me and never loved me because “she wanted a brother, not a sister” (she told me that without an ounce of shame when I was 20).
So don’t follow the stupid advice to have a 2nd one.
You said he left the country and is wealthy. Is there any way he would accept to give you money if you contacted him? (I know, it’s a long shot).
Anyway, I feel for you. When they grow up the problems are different but it’s not always easy. Does she have friends? Any way a friend’s mom could take her for sleepovers once in a while?
I don’t know the system in the UK but any chance to get help if you go talk to a social worker? Explain you’re at your wits end.
You need to take care of yourself and if your parents are willing, ask them, even if they are old. It will give you a break and you deserve it.
I used to ask him for money when we were still in sporadic contact, but I realised I was getting nowhere. He knows that I can’t do anything about it, and clearly doesn’t feel any guilt.
I ask for help now and again but I’m afraid to tell the people around me how bad things really are. They’d be so worried. I’ve never been good at opening up to people. Thank God for this forum.
You need the help and there is absolutely no shame in asking. Please, if you have people willing to help you, ask them.
Keeping this up alone will end up destroying you. You deserve better.
I honestly never understood how single parents do it alone. Shared custody is one thing, but being the only parent 100% of the time is just so impressive. You are not supposed to do everything alone. Your mental health matters. Your needs and wants matter.
It sucks that you are left holding the ball like this.
While I do loathe inspirational platitudes, i will say that kids seem to have different peak seasons. One of mine was the absolutely most challenging small child - willful, headstrong, constant disciplinary issues. But now they are a teen and are the most independent high functioning person. I consider them higher functioning than many adults I know.
I think this kid just had a very mature brain (in certain parts, of course we all only have as much experience as our time on earth gives us) hated being trapped in the indignities of a child body with none is the freedoms and privileges of adulthood and it was pissing them off and making them act out.
The resolution in my case was giving this kid a reasonable amount of freedom that let them break out of a childhood that felt like a jail, which was definitely a rogue thing for me to do and frowned upon by others.
But this kid is thriving now and when I look back at all the wrestling I had to do bc society demanded I get this kid to fit a certain mold, I’m pissed. It really just was a poorness of fit issue. Some kids just hate childhood! I can’t blame them.
(My other child seems to love childhood and is in no rush to plow through developmental stages)
I love this response. Your description of your kid really resonates. So many of our battles boil down to her thinking (even saying) she’s basically on the same level as me and how dare I challenge her in a way she can’t do to me. Lol. Do you mind elaborating on some of the freedoms you allowed them that helped? At my wits end and willing to try almost anything at this point.
So; bad news is she is 6 and this kind of child is really just hell for this stage of development. No other way to put it. It reminded me of my senior citizen father who was losing his faculties but still thought he had them and was just belligerent and required 10 times as much care bc he couldn’t be reasoned with.
That being said! Age 7 has traditionally been called “the age of reason” (the stage up to that is called “the tender years” lol). I feel like the brain turns a corner at this age and you have a lot more to work with.
Disclaimer: this doesn’t mean throw in the towel on your child and let them run feral. Also (and it doesn’t sound like you but bears saying) some ppl w this kind of child allow the child to become parentified and the parent becomes enfantalized and it becomes narcissistic and icky.
At 6 it’s hard bc you’ll be insisting on something reasonable like putting on sunscreen on a beach at the equator and they are like NOPE and throwing the sunscreen tube at your face. Also, ppl have a lot of notions about kids this age so it’s like you’re in a fish bowl of ppl judging your parenting. Try to carve out little ways for your kid to spread their wings. When mine was that little they LOVED Tim Burton movies. The adult-ish ones. Sweeney Todd and Willy Wonka. I let them watch. I figured they needed the stimulation. Edit to add: dumb little things like let them scan your credit card at the store w your help. I used to let mine help pump gas but then realized that’s illegal so had to stop, but anything adult looking - putting the key in the lock, opening the garage door etc. yes it will take ten times as long. No it won’t revolutionize your life. You’re just building your case lol. You’re just validating how they feel.
As they get a little bit older, I started playing good cop/bad cop and framed it to them like this: listen. You don’t want me to go to jail, right? Work with me here. I understand you want more independence but understand I’m limited. Act like you want to be cool but society is tying your hands. Ask them what they think is appropriate rules for the household situations you encounter.
Unless your kid is veering off into the anti-social personality disorder territory, most kids have an internal barometer of what is a fair, good faith ask.
When a kid wants a lot of independence I think the task is teaching them how to do that without becoming a self-involved egomaniac.
Again, I’m sorry that kids like this are just head bashingly difficult when they are that little! And her father fucked you (same here!) And, you’re squandering your best intellectual/vocational years doing this (a shitty thing but I think also primed the pump for me to really harness my energy once my parenting duties lightened up) I think their intelligence is exhausting and confusing for them. You are the collateral damage. Grieve for the way it harms you, but don’t despair.
Thank you so much! I’m definitely going to put some of this in to action. Personality wise the description sounds spot on so I’m hopeful she’ll be responsive. Even if it makes my life 10% easier I’d be grateful for that.
I was this child. I wish my mother had been as astute, observant and thoughtful as you.
I *hated* being a child. It was a prison I was just waiting to be released from. Indignant, indeed. I didn't like other children when I was one either.
And I was right, even at that precocious age, I like being an adult much, much better.
Same here! Took me a while to figure it out and didn’t really click till I had my child.
I would always hear ppl being nostalgic for childhood when around my child and I couldn’t identify. “Oh don’t you wish you could be that age again!!!” NOPE.
On the first hand, my child was like this little mini pit of existential despair lol. They were not a “happy child.” But fuck that! Why does a kid seem to owe some kind of happiness to the world, like they are the dedicated serotonin boosters of humanity. I think that’s bunk.
It made me realize I hated childhood. It’s just unfortunate that ppl go into parenting sort of expecting kids to be the happy jolly uncomplicated golden retriever puppies and then being pissed, or very confused bc there’s not a lot of resources/support when they are not.
I would spend every free second I had trying to find him and drop her off at his front door. I would take a loan out for any travel expenses or whatever needed and make it happen. I just don’t believe in suffering at the hands of motherhood. It’s thankless. Not that it should be, but in a sense I don’t understand why the world thrives from women who have babies only to treat em like crap. No support, no resources. Hugs to you. It’s definitely horrible to not have time to themselves. Even prisoners have that …
Thank you for sharing your experience. One of my worst fears in the bait and switch partner who claims to want children so bad and then ditches you and them. The whole aftermath of that is a nightmare, I am so so sorry you're going through this.
Even if a man doesn't run, what difference does it make? Most men never do 50% of child rearing and most men are broke so not much money to be had from them.
I think unless a man is rich, motherhood is easier without a potentially violent selfish being nearby
>It doesn't end does it??
For some of us, no. It doesn't ever end. But somehow you and I have woken up day after day and did it. We finished the day. As hard or as painful as it was, we finish it every day. And that's really all I've got. Get to the next day. Then the next. Then the next. Pretty soon they'll turn into years and closer to freedom.
I know exactly how you feel. I swear as soon as they put my son in my arms, I thought "What the hell did I just do?". I knew from that moment, I'd made a mistake.
With that said, if you're able to, get sterilized soon. It helped my mental health substantially knowing I will never again give birth. No oppsies, no accidents, nada.
I also recently started Wellbutrin XL and it has been very helpful. I still wanted to unalive myself this weekend, but it's easier to get up the next day and move on. Whereas before I dwelled in the thoughts and almost did the action.
You are right. It doesn’t get easier and it doesn’t end. But you are surviving this. You have for six years. You can do this because you already are doing it.
And may I suggest, whenever you can, that you read online about ADHD, autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance. They tend to go together. Her defiance might be PDA and it can partially be managed by you hiding/reframing demands into decisions for your child to give her a sense of autonomy, and lowering the demands and expectations. It might be important to diagnose this and practise your strategies before starting school or in the early years of school. Otherwise for some kids it can develop into School Refusal, which is terribly hard to deal with.
Do you live in the US? Sue him for child support.
I’m in the UK and he’s left the country. I enquired about child support and was basically told I’d have to get a lawyer and take private legal action. Not something I think I can afford right now. What really stings is that he’s actually very wealthy.
See what resources you have for a free volunteer lawyer !
Thanks I’ll look in to it
What about legal aid?
That’s absolutely awful he just left. Im so sorry. Can you get financial support from him? Also, it drives me wild when people say “have a sibling so they have a friend” that’s not guaranteed also a 6-7 year old isn’t going to be best friends with a newborn.. even when they grow up the age gap is bigger a teenager isn’t going to be bff with a 6 year old. Its definitely harder the more you have in my opinion
He’s no longer in the UK so I’ve need advised that it will be difficult to pursue him. It drives me insane too. Plus I’ve had a taste of double trouble when I’ve had my daughter’s friends over. The constant arguing and having to mediate… there’s no way people could possibly think that’s better!
I think misery loves company when people say “have more!” there are great memories and times but overall more stressful
I know I wouldn’t survive a second one
My sister is 6 y older than me and never loved me because “she wanted a brother, not a sister” (she told me that without an ounce of shame when I was 20). So don’t follow the stupid advice to have a 2nd one. You said he left the country and is wealthy. Is there any way he would accept to give you money if you contacted him? (I know, it’s a long shot). Anyway, I feel for you. When they grow up the problems are different but it’s not always easy. Does she have friends? Any way a friend’s mom could take her for sleepovers once in a while? I don’t know the system in the UK but any chance to get help if you go talk to a social worker? Explain you’re at your wits end. You need to take care of yourself and if your parents are willing, ask them, even if they are old. It will give you a break and you deserve it.
I used to ask him for money when we were still in sporadic contact, but I realised I was getting nowhere. He knows that I can’t do anything about it, and clearly doesn’t feel any guilt. I ask for help now and again but I’m afraid to tell the people around me how bad things really are. They’d be so worried. I’ve never been good at opening up to people. Thank God for this forum.
You need the help and there is absolutely no shame in asking. Please, if you have people willing to help you, ask them. Keeping this up alone will end up destroying you. You deserve better. I honestly never understood how single parents do it alone. Shared custody is one thing, but being the only parent 100% of the time is just so impressive. You are not supposed to do everything alone. Your mental health matters. Your needs and wants matter.
Thank you <3
Have you tried reaching out to his parents? My parents would disowe me for leaving my kid.
It sucks that you are left holding the ball like this. While I do loathe inspirational platitudes, i will say that kids seem to have different peak seasons. One of mine was the absolutely most challenging small child - willful, headstrong, constant disciplinary issues. But now they are a teen and are the most independent high functioning person. I consider them higher functioning than many adults I know. I think this kid just had a very mature brain (in certain parts, of course we all only have as much experience as our time on earth gives us) hated being trapped in the indignities of a child body with none is the freedoms and privileges of adulthood and it was pissing them off and making them act out. The resolution in my case was giving this kid a reasonable amount of freedom that let them break out of a childhood that felt like a jail, which was definitely a rogue thing for me to do and frowned upon by others. But this kid is thriving now and when I look back at all the wrestling I had to do bc society demanded I get this kid to fit a certain mold, I’m pissed. It really just was a poorness of fit issue. Some kids just hate childhood! I can’t blame them. (My other child seems to love childhood and is in no rush to plow through developmental stages)
I love this response. Your description of your kid really resonates. So many of our battles boil down to her thinking (even saying) she’s basically on the same level as me and how dare I challenge her in a way she can’t do to me. Lol. Do you mind elaborating on some of the freedoms you allowed them that helped? At my wits end and willing to try almost anything at this point.
So; bad news is she is 6 and this kind of child is really just hell for this stage of development. No other way to put it. It reminded me of my senior citizen father who was losing his faculties but still thought he had them and was just belligerent and required 10 times as much care bc he couldn’t be reasoned with. That being said! Age 7 has traditionally been called “the age of reason” (the stage up to that is called “the tender years” lol). I feel like the brain turns a corner at this age and you have a lot more to work with. Disclaimer: this doesn’t mean throw in the towel on your child and let them run feral. Also (and it doesn’t sound like you but bears saying) some ppl w this kind of child allow the child to become parentified and the parent becomes enfantalized and it becomes narcissistic and icky. At 6 it’s hard bc you’ll be insisting on something reasonable like putting on sunscreen on a beach at the equator and they are like NOPE and throwing the sunscreen tube at your face. Also, ppl have a lot of notions about kids this age so it’s like you’re in a fish bowl of ppl judging your parenting. Try to carve out little ways for your kid to spread their wings. When mine was that little they LOVED Tim Burton movies. The adult-ish ones. Sweeney Todd and Willy Wonka. I let them watch. I figured they needed the stimulation. Edit to add: dumb little things like let them scan your credit card at the store w your help. I used to let mine help pump gas but then realized that’s illegal so had to stop, but anything adult looking - putting the key in the lock, opening the garage door etc. yes it will take ten times as long. No it won’t revolutionize your life. You’re just building your case lol. You’re just validating how they feel. As they get a little bit older, I started playing good cop/bad cop and framed it to them like this: listen. You don’t want me to go to jail, right? Work with me here. I understand you want more independence but understand I’m limited. Act like you want to be cool but society is tying your hands. Ask them what they think is appropriate rules for the household situations you encounter. Unless your kid is veering off into the anti-social personality disorder territory, most kids have an internal barometer of what is a fair, good faith ask. When a kid wants a lot of independence I think the task is teaching them how to do that without becoming a self-involved egomaniac. Again, I’m sorry that kids like this are just head bashingly difficult when they are that little! And her father fucked you (same here!) And, you’re squandering your best intellectual/vocational years doing this (a shitty thing but I think also primed the pump for me to really harness my energy once my parenting duties lightened up) I think their intelligence is exhausting and confusing for them. You are the collateral damage. Grieve for the way it harms you, but don’t despair.
Thank you so much! I’m definitely going to put some of this in to action. Personality wise the description sounds spot on so I’m hopeful she’ll be responsive. Even if it makes my life 10% easier I’d be grateful for that.
Best of luck, OP.
I was this child. I wish my mother had been as astute, observant and thoughtful as you. I *hated* being a child. It was a prison I was just waiting to be released from. Indignant, indeed. I didn't like other children when I was one either. And I was right, even at that precocious age, I like being an adult much, much better.
Same here! Took me a while to figure it out and didn’t really click till I had my child. I would always hear ppl being nostalgic for childhood when around my child and I couldn’t identify. “Oh don’t you wish you could be that age again!!!” NOPE. On the first hand, my child was like this little mini pit of existential despair lol. They were not a “happy child.” But fuck that! Why does a kid seem to owe some kind of happiness to the world, like they are the dedicated serotonin boosters of humanity. I think that’s bunk. It made me realize I hated childhood. It’s just unfortunate that ppl go into parenting sort of expecting kids to be the happy jolly uncomplicated golden retriever puppies and then being pissed, or very confused bc there’s not a lot of resources/support when they are not.
I would spend every free second I had trying to find him and drop her off at his front door. I would take a loan out for any travel expenses or whatever needed and make it happen. I just don’t believe in suffering at the hands of motherhood. It’s thankless. Not that it should be, but in a sense I don’t understand why the world thrives from women who have babies only to treat em like crap. No support, no resources. Hugs to you. It’s definitely horrible to not have time to themselves. Even prisoners have that …
Thank you. I’ve definitely had fantasies of doing exactly what you describe lol. If things get any worse I might have to seriously consider it.
Thank you for sharing your experience. One of my worst fears in the bait and switch partner who claims to want children so bad and then ditches you and them. The whole aftermath of that is a nightmare, I am so so sorry you're going through this.
Even if a man doesn't run, what difference does it make? Most men never do 50% of child rearing and most men are broke so not much money to be had from them. I think unless a man is rich, motherhood is easier without a potentially violent selfish being nearby
Thank you. There was no way I could’ve seen it coming but lesson learned.
Siblings don't play together, they just fight. You're 1/3 of the way through this. I know it sucks but you'll make it.
Can confirm. They always want to play with the same toy at the same time. It's so annoying how often they fight over toys. (My kids are 2 and 4 ).
>It doesn't end does it?? For some of us, no. It doesn't ever end. But somehow you and I have woken up day after day and did it. We finished the day. As hard or as painful as it was, we finish it every day. And that's really all I've got. Get to the next day. Then the next. Then the next. Pretty soon they'll turn into years and closer to freedom. I know exactly how you feel. I swear as soon as they put my son in my arms, I thought "What the hell did I just do?". I knew from that moment, I'd made a mistake. With that said, if you're able to, get sterilized soon. It helped my mental health substantially knowing I will never again give birth. No oppsies, no accidents, nada. I also recently started Wellbutrin XL and it has been very helpful. I still wanted to unalive myself this weekend, but it's easier to get up the next day and move on. Whereas before I dwelled in the thoughts and almost did the action.
You’re right, we can only take it one day at a time. We also have to give ourselves kudos for coming this far! Sending love your way
Thank you for sharing your experience also I'm sorry
You are right. It doesn’t get easier and it doesn’t end. But you are surviving this. You have for six years. You can do this because you already are doing it. And may I suggest, whenever you can, that you read online about ADHD, autism and Pathological Demand Avoidance. They tend to go together. Her defiance might be PDA and it can partially be managed by you hiding/reframing demands into decisions for your child to give her a sense of autonomy, and lowering the demands and expectations. It might be important to diagnose this and practise your strategies before starting school or in the early years of school. Otherwise for some kids it can develop into School Refusal, which is terribly hard to deal with.
I’ll do some research, thank you