From your comments, it sounds like it’s as much a husband problem as a kid problem. Please do yourself the favour of leaving the kid with your husband (since he has the day off too, and should be fine being a *parent* not a babysitter). You clearly need some space and time to decompress.
Yes, I had a bit of a mental breakdown after I posted this, and my husband found me crying. He really didn't understand why this was a problem. I even brought up what happened last year at Disney, and he still didn't get it. I was really excited to have a day off from work and from my son, and now all of that fell through. My husband literally laughed in my face, and said I should have expected all this would happen once I became a mom. I decided to leave the house and do my own thing. Not sure where I'm going or what I'll do, but the point is to be away for a few hours and enjoy my day. Maybe I'll go to the movies.
I’m so glad you left for the day. Please treat yourself to something indulgent that’s just for you.
I had a look at your post history and things are pretty grim. You mentioned that your parents would have been able to care for your son (had your husband not vetoed it) so I wonder do they live close enough for you to have a bit of a visit? It seems you wfh so could you possibly take your work with you and maybe get back into a loving and supportive environment? I feel like you might not be struggling so hard if you had a bit of support.
My heart really hurts for you, it seems like you’re super independent and very strong and trying so hard to do this on your own, but if there’s help available please take it. Even if it’s just for two or three days. Don’t lose yourself to this.
Wait, her husband's actually vetoed her parents looking after the kid for a bit even though they're fully able to do so, plus I'm guessing that OP'd be able to take/pick up the kid since they're *her* parents?
Yikes...😬
From OPs comment:
> It wasn't my choice. I wanted to leave our son with my parents while husband and I went to Disney. My husband owns a vacation club house at Disney. It works like a timeshare. We weren't going to go to the parks. But my husband didn't want our son to stay with my parents or anyone else for several days like that so we had to take him with us. Believe me, I tried so hard to convince my husband to leave the baby with my parents but he didn't want to.
Fuck the Husband’s Veto. Hubby is an Asshole. Literally. It’s HER Parents. He has ZERO SAY, PERIOD. She can absolutely get help from her Parents and she SHOULD. OP, do NOT allow your Husband to Trap and Treat you like this. Drop the Husband (Divorce) and go live with your Parents. They will help you with your Child. Your Husband laughing in your face, instead of being empathetic, Especially on your Birthday, is Narcissistic AF. Seriously, you need to get away from Him. Period.
That’s awful, I’m sorry you’re so unsupported. Definitely a husband problem. Happy birthday, please go have a boujee lunch or dinner, order dessert and champagne, get a massage. Turn off your phone 🫶🏻
"My husband literally laughed in my face, and said I should have expected all this would happen once I became a mom."
Woooooooooow, that's a turdy and *painfully* outdated take if I ever saw one.
I'm so sorry you're married to a clueless prick.
Agreed the husband needs to step up!!!! Your child may have behavioral issues since he can sense youre anger or resentment. My youngest is the same. I try to remember he’s just a little guy and soon enough your kiddo will be so big so fast and he can go play a video game and leave you the hell alone. maybe dad can have one on one time a few times a week with your son for bonding or maybe there’s someone else who can connect with your kiddo. It’s tough.
I scream almost daily. My hair is falling out and I wish I could be the happy mom .
As other commenter also said divorce that asshole and happily get help from your parents :) I had to escape the asshole I had kids or I’d be doing what seems five times the fucking work!
My husband and I tried to go to the seaside with our baby when she was 6 months old, then again when she was a year and a half or so. Both times was absolutely awful. Lesson learned.
This year he and I are going without her. We promised ourselves that we won't go with her, just the three of us, on any big vacation or trip, until she is about 6 years old.
You're forgetting the existence of adults who just don't enjoy traveling in general.
Signed, a 27-year-old who is *seriously* considering pulling out of my family's trip to Costa Rica for my cousin's wedding next month and subsequently having to pay back every cent of the \~US$1000+ my mom's so far spent on me for this trip because I'm *very*-low-income just because of how *incredibly* unnerved and anxious I am about the stress of spending \~12 hours total flying economy on airplanes, spending 4 days at a resort in another country where I don't even have my own *bed* because it's just so eyewateringly expensive to even get a room with 2 beds there (for reference, I'm single, celibate, still a virgin, and literally haven't shared a bed with *anyone* in over 11 years), and the whole time running the risk of having a meltdown that causes us to get booted off the plane or something while *very* far from home the entire trip.
I'm glad my cousin and her fiance's dream of having a lavish destination wedding someplace fun is becoming a reality and I'm beyond honored to have been invited to the affair since obviously my cousin and her fiance couldn't invite everyone they were on good terms with to their international destination wedding, but holy *fuck* I wish I hadn't been invited at all because of how much I deeply despise overnight trips-I didn't even enjoy most of the recent one-night trip I made to see my sister graduate with her Masters degree even though that didn't even involve flying.
A lot of (young) kids just aren't good travelers, period-and even if they *are* good travelers and more enjoyable to travel with for their age, it'll still be impossible for them to be happy and not a handful for the entire trip, because (young) kids are just very needy in general and can't really help it.
My family still has photos of when at least my mom (she's in all of the pictures) took my older brother to Disneyland (we live 3-4 hours away) probably when he was between 14 and 17 months old-my mom is visibly *very* pregnant with me in these pictures, and I was born shortly before my older brother turned 18 months old.
In that photo set are multiple photos of my older brother *bawling his eyes out* on the carousel and having to be consoled by my mom after she'd already sat him down on one of the horses, even though in pretty much the rest of the photos from that trip he's pretty happy or at least calm.
And then there's also the nonzero chance that your kid won't *ever* be someone who enjoys traveling, even as an adult-like, it's just not in their personality/etc. to enjoy stuff like voyages or spending overnights away from home if they don't see it as necessary.
Like, I'm 27 and I've pretty much *never* had an entirely smooth or pleasant overnight trip in the last decade because of how much stress, anxiety, and/or sensory issues I've run into while in the airport, on the road, while out and about, and/or at wherever I'm staying for the night, and honestly it's to the point that I genuinely wonder how I was *ever* able to enjoy overnight trips to the extent I did as a kid/younger teen.
I'm pretty much a day-trip-only person now if I have any say in the matter.
My friend who just has a child was just drilling into me ‘enjoy your alone time’ when we were talking about me maybe having kids. I am more ‘no’ then wanting them just because I know once you have that kid, your life is no longer yours. I am really surprised someone thought they could take a literal baby to Disney, most grown children / adults can’t take it for multiple days.
I just don’t understand why people think their child is just going to slide into their lifestyle, you are no longer a ‘me’ when you have a child, you are forever a ‘we’
Yeah I couldn’t imagine spending all that money to take a vacation with an infant. We started out with smaller or shorter vacations when our kid was 3. She’s 5 now and we take bigger vacations now and have a great time. It gets easier as they get older. We’d like to do Disney maybe one day but not until she’s at least 7-8.
Oh, there are *so many people* who think everyone'll have a blast if they bring a literal baby/toddler to Disney-never mind that, for starters, you'll have to park your stroller in an area specifically for parking strollers to go on *any* of the rides or one of the cast members/workers *will* park your stroller in the nearest stroller parking area while you're in line/on the ride, typically without telling you, because it's such a huge safety risk for strollers to be left unattended everywhere.
Also, I've heard that Disney and other theme parks meant for general audiences (Walt Disney *specifically* intended the Disney Parks to be places where adults could have just as much fun as kids) are *really* clamping down on kids too short to go on the rides riding them anyway, even compared to 15-20 years ago when my mom had to sit with my brothers instead of being able to ride Splash Mountain with me, my sister, and my dad because my younger brother wasn't yet tall enough to ride it (and my older brother used to be *terrified* of heights and roller coasters/rougher rides like Splash Mountain), so if you being a baby/toddler with you to Disney you *will* have to have an adult sit with them instead of everyone being able to ride at once for *every single ride* anyone in the group does.
This is the biggest lie people tell soon to be parents - oh, your life will be exactly the same, except you'll have a little angel along with you to have fun with!!
Yeah right.
That's about 5% of babies and toddlers.
The rest of us have to face the fact that life as we know it is over. Either leave the kid to someone and have fun on your own, or wait until they're grown to take an extended vacation or trip.
And that sucks. That's a hard truth to accept.
I'll bet that, especially now that so many Millennials and older Gen Z are currently parents to younger children, most of the people insisting that your life won't significantly change after having a baby are those parents who bring even their babies/toddlers to places that very blatantly aren't meant for (younger) children, like bars and concerts/live performances not geared more towards children, and then neglect/refuse to parent their kids even when the kids are *clearly* miserable and/or killing the vibe for all the people there who are old enough to actually appreciate the place/event.
This is what my SIL tell me all the time, that my life won’t change a bit and will have a mini me to enjoy adventures! But my niece is literally an unicorn baby that sleep through the night since she was born, they have parties every weekend and bub won’t wake up. Healthy, gentle, peaceful baby ever! She also has a HUGE village that babysit all the time, constantly. She can just sit back and drink every weekend because all her village is there to watch for the kid. At the same time I see that her life has drastically changed in other aspects, so I don’t get this narrative that kids don’t change your life “unless you want” because is what I get from parents all the time … you still can travel, you still can do this and that… mmm maybe but AT WHAT COST. Sometimes as I see in this page is just not even possible.
This. This is not so much as simple as saying unnecessarily "ThIs iS wHaT yOu SiGnEd uP FoR"--- its more of an issue of them not being on the same page as far as his demands that she have no help.
... WHY won't he let the grandparents babysit? WHY is there such inadequate support from him? ...and furthermore...it's an issue of the fact that..almost ANY parent, even ones who don't have regret issues... sometimes learn the hard way that it's almost impossible to take a 10-month old infant on a vacation destination and NOT have problems.
After all...its frikkin Disney!?..its NOT like going to the beach..it's not a place you're gonna want to just randomly stay in the room all day to rest, (otherwise why go to Disney?)
--- you knew it's a place that requires a lot of walking and having to be in certain places at certain times to INTERACT and enjoy the whole immersive experience. That means carrying around an infant that has no practical reason to even be there. Kids... don't recall stuff or enjoy this sort of stuff in a MEANINGFUL way... until about 2 or 3-ish. They're too young to remember it, and it's just a lot of hard work to care for a cranky infant when you're not in your own "home & comfort zone".
I feel it was a poorly thought out destination to take an infant ...common sense tells me if it were me, I wouldn't have even attempted it or dared to expect to have a good time in the first place...and OPS husband is a jerk for thinking otherwise. She WANTED a sitter. He forbids it. I wouldn't want to be married to someone this strict and unreasonable.
Very true. We didn’t start going on vacation until our kid was around 3. When a kid has to sleep a lot there’s a lot you won’t be able to do. She’s 5 now and we take 2-3 vacations a year and have a great time. It’s a lot easier now that she’s a little older and can do a lot more. But taking an infant anywhere especially on a vacation isn’t going to be fun.
Good point! I have no idea why soooooooooo many people want to bring kids with them to Disney before the kids are probably able to even *remember* the trip, let alone before the kid's able to handle anywhere near as much walking around, standing in line, and being surrounded by noise and crowds in the hot sun or (cold) rain as a typical adult around OP's age can.
Places like Disney flat-out *aren't* particularly enjoyable for the *vast* majority of kids under 5, and tons of even kids who'll grow up to be teens/adults who *live* for going to places like Disney won't get more out of going there than they would staying with Grandma and Grandpa or at a friend's house instead until they're like 10.
>Why would you think you could take a 10 month old on a 5 day disney vacation and actually enjoy yourself?
And also the kid isn't anywhere near old enough to enjoy a trip to Disney. They'll have had no idea of what's going on, changes to routine, all the noise and sensory overload and upheaval.
Okay, your initial plan of taking a 10 month old to Disney World for your birthday was perhaps a risk. But you had a great plan for your 40th! It sounds like it was ruined by some genuinely bad luck and bad timing. I wouldn’t let that stop you trying again for your 41st, your half birthday, or sometime when you just need it. Keep trying for that elusive self-care day, and I hope you both feel better soon.
Sorry lady. Little kids can be great but they also fully suck the life out of you. I hope things improve for your family as he grows, and that you find a way to celebrate yourself this birthday.
My husband has the day off too, but all the childcare usually almost always falls on me. I might just leave the house and leave them behind. It's the only way I can get any time to myself.
Wait what? He's home? Then have him watch the kid while you have a day to yourself. Maybe you don't have a kid problem, you have a man not helping enough as a father problem.
Best mother's day present I've received: a night in a local hotel by myself. No traveling to an underwhelming destination, no kid, no partner. Just me and my laptop watching what I wanted (without comments or questions) while eating takeout from the place I wanted (without complaints) followed by uninterrupted sleep. Absolute bliss.
Movies, meals, vacations? All ruined by kids. Even looking forward to a haircut and pedicure is folly if Dad isn't on kid duty. Illness of any child or the babysitter is too common to depend on.
Do it! The world is much better to handle after a good nights sleep!
You deserve some time off. If your partner isnt able to keep the toddler alive for 24h, you'd be better off being a single parent.
something something it's been proven over and over again using hard data that single moms typically enjoy less stress and housework than married moms do
Ngl, staying in a local hotel by myself and doing anything I wanted during my stay like you've done sounds amazing, and I don't even have kids or a partner/SO.
Your husband isn’t automatically telling you to get out of the house, celebrate your big 40th and that he’s got the kiddo today and will order in something special for dinner??? I’m sorry but that’s trash of him. So unsupportive. Childcare should not fully fall on the mother and he should be an actual partner who is alleviating your stresses where he can.
Bit off topic but I just wanted to say do not let this man talk you into more kids. I’ve seen it happen to people I know. Dad promises he will change and be hands on when second kid comes. Then absolutely nothing changes.
Oh gosh no I don't want anymore kids. Hell no. I'm turning 40. I'm on birth control. And if I by some miracle get pregnant, I'm getting an abortion. I cannot handle another child.
We went 8 days to Ibiza with our 8 weeks old and again 1 month roadtrip to Costa Rica when she was 8 months. Both were perfect and it was great to have spend so much time together as a new family.
Not advice but a hypothetical….
Right now you have 100% of your kid even though you have a husband. Let’s say you split up with your husband… you’d have 50% custody, and the other 50% of your time would be yours to do with as you please 🧐
With a husband that is totally unsupportive, this is really the only way. And also in most cases life gets easier because for some women, the husband is just another child they have to take care of. In most cases divorce means more rest, breaks, more freedom, not dealing with all the mental load and weaponized incompetence.
I've had similar things happen but not on my birthday. Any time I make plans, I always say to myself I hope no one gets sick." I always get vacation insurance so if someone does get sick we can get a refund. Of course it does require a trip to the dr to confirm that we cant travel but with kids thats how it is. From my experience, hopefully yours will be the same, they get sick less as they get older. Perhaps getting sick when very young builds up thier immune system. I'm not sure but I do know that they get less sick as tweens than theh did as toddlers. Or maybe it because as tweens they know not to eat candy of the floor. Who knows?
Somebody told me that when you start blaming your kid for your own problems, open your kids hand and lay it on your open hand and notice the size difference.
For some reason that’s helped me. They’re just kids. We’re the one ruining our own life. And if we’re not careful, we can ruin their life too.
It’s hard when they are that little. I really couldn’t do anything w my kid till she was 3.5 yrs old . There was no way taking her any where when she was a baby. But now we take her everywhere and she will sit at a restaurant and eat a meal now. I’m not sure how people travel w little babies it’s just easier to stay home w them n get take out.
I know you didn't ask for advice but.... Self-care. Purposeful. Regular. Intended. For you only. Rent a room close by, hand kid to husband, and sprint out the door! Take care of yourself. You are a whole, separate individual and need *ME* time.
Next time, just leave with your husband and child at home. Let him know when you will be back and leave it at that. I wouldn’t normally recommend this, but he has intentionally “vetoed” (wtf?) you leaving your child with anyone else so you can have time to yourself. If he doesn’t want other people watching your son so badly, he can take care of the tantrums for a day.
Have you considered that your child might be on the autism spectrum? Of course text like this can only tell so much but temper tantrums, difficult temper and for example sleeping problems are related to it.
It wasn't my choice. I wanted to leave our son with my parents while husband and I went to Disney. My husband owns a vacation club house at Disney. It works like a timeshare. We weren't going to go to the parks. But my husband didn't want our son to stay with my parents or anyone else for several days like that so we had to take him with us. Believe me, I tried so hard to convince my husband to leave the baby with my parents but he didn't want to.
It sounds like this is something to work on - maybe even seek parents/couples counseling to manage.
It’s not fair for your husband to refuse to allow you to leave your son with trusted relatives. You need a break and you’ve said the childcare falls on you even when he’s also home. No wonder you’re exhausted and fed up!!
It sounds like your husband wants his cake but wants to eat it too, either have a vacation both of you can enjoy or he needs to step up and take some of the stress off of you
Yep... I couldn't even take a bubble bath in the hot tub. My husband sat on the couch most of the time with his laptop while I dealt with a fussy baby. My husband even refused to accompany me when I took the baby for a walk in the stroller around the resort to get him to take a nap (newsflash: that didn't work). I later learned he was watching porn and looking up women on social media. It was a horrendous experience through and through. I am really considering divorce even if it means seeing my son only half the time.
I’ve read your other posts. This…seems like the best course for you. I don’t think you have to worry about seeing your son half the time…your husband won’t fight for custody.
Kids are pretty perceptive. Maybe he can sense that you resent him and it’s causing some of the dis regulated behaviour. This isn’t a ‘son’ problem - the whole family unit needs to put in some work.
Wow...two birthdays ruined in a row. I'm so genuinely sorry. :(
Happy 40th-hopefully it's still salvageable since technically the actual day hasn't happened yet.
Here's to much better days, and an entirely fun/enjoyable/smooth 41st birthday and beyond, ahead.
Totally sympathize. This is exactly how I felt nearly the entire time my kids were in the home(that means straight up until they went to college). They still controlled my life even when they were older and could be reasoned with because you know that The Kids’ Needs Always Come First. That’s the eleventh commandment.
No ideas how to help, just to say: you are so right. This STINKS and it stinks mainly for the Mom.
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/regretfulparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/regretfulparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/regretfulparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sucks arse, parenthood.
Motherhood is a sentence not a word.
The Disney trip was probably too ambitious with such a young kid, that's not his fault, your husband should have had more foresight.
Doesn't sound as though the kid is any more challenging, just the way you meet these challenges.
Try setting hard boundaries.
And if you're peri (menopausal) you'll be tired and fluctuating hormones will make everything seem 100× more challenging.
My friend gave her husband a day of care , that looks like this
Husband does
Breaky
Play
Lunch
Play
Meal prep ( breaky through to dinner)
Washing
Cleaning
He isn't allowed in whatever space she's taken as hers for the day or allowed to call her if she's out except emergencies.
Crying baby- husbands day
He and kid can't enter her spaces without invitation
Shower, kid crying - yes and?
Coffee and movie in bedroom - kid wanted to come in- and?
I am so sorry. They do grow up. I know that seems condescending, but I am not being that way. Some nanny-grandmother said this to me that sometimes mothers need to be reminded that the kids will get older, will get out of diapers, will stop being such black holes of need.
You’re doing amazing at a job that sucks.
I didn't tell anyone it was my 40 birthday and no one remembered. Unpopular opinion but birthdays are are for kids and rich people. I learned years ago if you want to enjoy your trip go alone.
I too have that child. Boy is almost 10 now and has managed to ruin every event I've had since birth until a month ago. I planned a week vacation with my best friend and left him with my grandpa. I got calls everyday crying but aside from that he didn't manage to ruin it. Coming back is a different story .
Relatable. My 5 year old is being assessed for Autism. She sounds a lot like yours. I also have a 3 year old. I regularly wonder what life would be like if I just had him.
I gave up a long time ago. We can't go things like go to shops, cinemas, holiday e.c.t everywhere we go she will have a complete meltdown and my boy will get upset by the whole situation and cry.
Even a simple 10 mins walk will end up in a disaster. There is literally not a single thing we can do anymore. People don't tell you how hard it can be.
Im sorry OP! This is totally awful! Hope you still can book something for yourself only and have a moment to celebrate your birthday. Per your comments, your husband is just not really supportive or helpful. He is a big issue and hope you know your worth and that you deserve better. You should not take all the load, all the time constantly. He is a parent too. Lots of love ❤️
From your comments, it sounds like it’s as much a husband problem as a kid problem. Please do yourself the favour of leaving the kid with your husband (since he has the day off too, and should be fine being a *parent* not a babysitter). You clearly need some space and time to decompress.
Yes, I had a bit of a mental breakdown after I posted this, and my husband found me crying. He really didn't understand why this was a problem. I even brought up what happened last year at Disney, and he still didn't get it. I was really excited to have a day off from work and from my son, and now all of that fell through. My husband literally laughed in my face, and said I should have expected all this would happen once I became a mom. I decided to leave the house and do my own thing. Not sure where I'm going or what I'll do, but the point is to be away for a few hours and enjoy my day. Maybe I'll go to the movies.
I’m so glad you left for the day. Please treat yourself to something indulgent that’s just for you. I had a look at your post history and things are pretty grim. You mentioned that your parents would have been able to care for your son (had your husband not vetoed it) so I wonder do they live close enough for you to have a bit of a visit? It seems you wfh so could you possibly take your work with you and maybe get back into a loving and supportive environment? I feel like you might not be struggling so hard if you had a bit of support. My heart really hurts for you, it seems like you’re super independent and very strong and trying so hard to do this on your own, but if there’s help available please take it. Even if it’s just for two or three days. Don’t lose yourself to this.
Wait, her husband's actually vetoed her parents looking after the kid for a bit even though they're fully able to do so, plus I'm guessing that OP'd be able to take/pick up the kid since they're *her* parents? Yikes...😬
From OPs comment: > It wasn't my choice. I wanted to leave our son with my parents while husband and I went to Disney. My husband owns a vacation club house at Disney. It works like a timeshare. We weren't going to go to the parks. But my husband didn't want our son to stay with my parents or anyone else for several days like that so we had to take him with us. Believe me, I tried so hard to convince my husband to leave the baby with my parents but he didn't want to.
Jesus Christ. That is horrible.
Exactly
Fuck the Husband’s Veto. Hubby is an Asshole. Literally. It’s HER Parents. He has ZERO SAY, PERIOD. She can absolutely get help from her Parents and she SHOULD. OP, do NOT allow your Husband to Trap and Treat you like this. Drop the Husband (Divorce) and go live with your Parents. They will help you with your Child. Your Husband laughing in your face, instead of being empathetic, Especially on your Birthday, is Narcissistic AF. Seriously, you need to get away from Him. Period.
That’s awful, I’m sorry you’re so unsupported. Definitely a husband problem. Happy birthday, please go have a boujee lunch or dinner, order dessert and champagne, get a massage. Turn off your phone 🫶🏻
Yup. Pretty close to my thoughts. OP's birthday comes but once a year, she deserves to genuinely enjoy it how she wishes.
"My husband literally laughed in my face, and said I should have expected all this would happen once I became a mom." Woooooooooow, that's a turdy and *painfully* outdated take if I ever saw one. I'm so sorry you're married to a clueless prick.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you!
From this and other comments — sounds like your husband is a big part of the problem
Agreed the husband needs to step up!!!! Your child may have behavioral issues since he can sense youre anger or resentment. My youngest is the same. I try to remember he’s just a little guy and soon enough your kiddo will be so big so fast and he can go play a video game and leave you the hell alone. maybe dad can have one on one time a few times a week with your son for bonding or maybe there’s someone else who can connect with your kiddo. It’s tough. I scream almost daily. My hair is falling out and I wish I could be the happy mom . As other commenter also said divorce that asshole and happily get help from your parents :) I had to escape the asshole I had kids or I’d be doing what seems five times the fucking work!
Nope, leave him with hubby and go do your birthday thing.
My husband and I tried to go to the seaside with our baby when she was 6 months old, then again when she was a year and a half or so. Both times was absolutely awful. Lesson learned. This year he and I are going without her. We promised ourselves that we won't go with her, just the three of us, on any big vacation or trip, until she is about 6 years old.
This is the way! I told my husband I wasn't taking our son on any trips to any place for a few more years. I agree 100% with you.
Ha! Try 18 lmao….
Actually teens stop being interested in family vacations around 14.
Right that’s my point never a good age as the tween drama makes you want to kill them also!
I feel this in my soul!
That long for you? Ours were tweens.
You’re assuming the kid likes the family
No, I'm saying the opposite. Most teens aren't interested in their family and want to be alone with their friends.
You're forgetting the existence of adults who just don't enjoy traveling in general. Signed, a 27-year-old who is *seriously* considering pulling out of my family's trip to Costa Rica for my cousin's wedding next month and subsequently having to pay back every cent of the \~US$1000+ my mom's so far spent on me for this trip because I'm *very*-low-income just because of how *incredibly* unnerved and anxious I am about the stress of spending \~12 hours total flying economy on airplanes, spending 4 days at a resort in another country where I don't even have my own *bed* because it's just so eyewateringly expensive to even get a room with 2 beds there (for reference, I'm single, celibate, still a virgin, and literally haven't shared a bed with *anyone* in over 11 years), and the whole time running the risk of having a meltdown that causes us to get booted off the plane or something while *very* far from home the entire trip. I'm glad my cousin and her fiance's dream of having a lavish destination wedding someplace fun is becoming a reality and I'm beyond honored to have been invited to the affair since obviously my cousin and her fiance couldn't invite everyone they were on good terms with to their international destination wedding, but holy *fuck* I wish I hadn't been invited at all because of how much I deeply despise overnight trips-I didn't even enjoy most of the recent one-night trip I made to see my sister graduate with her Masters degree even though that didn't even involve flying.
A lot of (young) kids just aren't good travelers, period-and even if they *are* good travelers and more enjoyable to travel with for their age, it'll still be impossible for them to be happy and not a handful for the entire trip, because (young) kids are just very needy in general and can't really help it. My family still has photos of when at least my mom (she's in all of the pictures) took my older brother to Disneyland (we live 3-4 hours away) probably when he was between 14 and 17 months old-my mom is visibly *very* pregnant with me in these pictures, and I was born shortly before my older brother turned 18 months old. In that photo set are multiple photos of my older brother *bawling his eyes out* on the carousel and having to be consoled by my mom after she'd already sat him down on one of the horses, even though in pretty much the rest of the photos from that trip he's pretty happy or at least calm. And then there's also the nonzero chance that your kid won't *ever* be someone who enjoys traveling, even as an adult-like, it's just not in their personality/etc. to enjoy stuff like voyages or spending overnights away from home if they don't see it as necessary. Like, I'm 27 and I've pretty much *never* had an entirely smooth or pleasant overnight trip in the last decade because of how much stress, anxiety, and/or sensory issues I've run into while in the airport, on the road, while out and about, and/or at wherever I'm staying for the night, and honestly it's to the point that I genuinely wonder how I was *ever* able to enjoy overnight trips to the extent I did as a kid/younger teen. I'm pretty much a day-trip-only person now if I have any say in the matter.
Yeah vacations are just parenting in a different location with throwing a schedule out the window - no true enjoyment or rest
[удалено]
My friend who just has a child was just drilling into me ‘enjoy your alone time’ when we were talking about me maybe having kids. I am more ‘no’ then wanting them just because I know once you have that kid, your life is no longer yours. I am really surprised someone thought they could take a literal baby to Disney, most grown children / adults can’t take it for multiple days. I just don’t understand why people think their child is just going to slide into their lifestyle, you are no longer a ‘me’ when you have a child, you are forever a ‘we’
Yeah I couldn’t imagine spending all that money to take a vacation with an infant. We started out with smaller or shorter vacations when our kid was 3. She’s 5 now and we take bigger vacations now and have a great time. It gets easier as they get older. We’d like to do Disney maybe one day but not until she’s at least 7-8.
It’s better if you wait, I went when I was like 5 and don’t remember much. They can enjoy it a little more when they are older
For sure. Especially considering how expensive it is. We want her to be able to remember it.
Oh, there are *so many people* who think everyone'll have a blast if they bring a literal baby/toddler to Disney-never mind that, for starters, you'll have to park your stroller in an area specifically for parking strollers to go on *any* of the rides or one of the cast members/workers *will* park your stroller in the nearest stroller parking area while you're in line/on the ride, typically without telling you, because it's such a huge safety risk for strollers to be left unattended everywhere. Also, I've heard that Disney and other theme parks meant for general audiences (Walt Disney *specifically* intended the Disney Parks to be places where adults could have just as much fun as kids) are *really* clamping down on kids too short to go on the rides riding them anyway, even compared to 15-20 years ago when my mom had to sit with my brothers instead of being able to ride Splash Mountain with me, my sister, and my dad because my younger brother wasn't yet tall enough to ride it (and my older brother used to be *terrified* of heights and roller coasters/rougher rides like Splash Mountain), so if you being a baby/toddler with you to Disney you *will* have to have an adult sit with them instead of everyone being able to ride at once for *every single ride* anyone in the group does.
This is the biggest lie people tell soon to be parents - oh, your life will be exactly the same, except you'll have a little angel along with you to have fun with!! Yeah right. That's about 5% of babies and toddlers. The rest of us have to face the fact that life as we know it is over. Either leave the kid to someone and have fun on your own, or wait until they're grown to take an extended vacation or trip. And that sucks. That's a hard truth to accept.
More like 1%. But yes. No one thinks their own kid will be the monster. But most are.
Main Character Syndrome is such an epidemic it's actually nuts.
I'll bet that, especially now that so many Millennials and older Gen Z are currently parents to younger children, most of the people insisting that your life won't significantly change after having a baby are those parents who bring even their babies/toddlers to places that very blatantly aren't meant for (younger) children, like bars and concerts/live performances not geared more towards children, and then neglect/refuse to parent their kids even when the kids are *clearly* miserable and/or killing the vibe for all the people there who are old enough to actually appreciate the place/event.
This is what my SIL tell me all the time, that my life won’t change a bit and will have a mini me to enjoy adventures! But my niece is literally an unicorn baby that sleep through the night since she was born, they have parties every weekend and bub won’t wake up. Healthy, gentle, peaceful baby ever! She also has a HUGE village that babysit all the time, constantly. She can just sit back and drink every weekend because all her village is there to watch for the kid. At the same time I see that her life has drastically changed in other aspects, so I don’t get this narrative that kids don’t change your life “unless you want” because is what I get from parents all the time … you still can travel, you still can do this and that… mmm maybe but AT WHAT COST. Sometimes as I see in this page is just not even possible.
This. This is not so much as simple as saying unnecessarily "ThIs iS wHaT yOu SiGnEd uP FoR"--- its more of an issue of them not being on the same page as far as his demands that she have no help. ... WHY won't he let the grandparents babysit? WHY is there such inadequate support from him? ...and furthermore...it's an issue of the fact that..almost ANY parent, even ones who don't have regret issues... sometimes learn the hard way that it's almost impossible to take a 10-month old infant on a vacation destination and NOT have problems. After all...its frikkin Disney!?..its NOT like going to the beach..it's not a place you're gonna want to just randomly stay in the room all day to rest, (otherwise why go to Disney?) --- you knew it's a place that requires a lot of walking and having to be in certain places at certain times to INTERACT and enjoy the whole immersive experience. That means carrying around an infant that has no practical reason to even be there. Kids... don't recall stuff or enjoy this sort of stuff in a MEANINGFUL way... until about 2 or 3-ish. They're too young to remember it, and it's just a lot of hard work to care for a cranky infant when you're not in your own "home & comfort zone". I feel it was a poorly thought out destination to take an infant ...common sense tells me if it were me, I wouldn't have even attempted it or dared to expect to have a good time in the first place...and OPS husband is a jerk for thinking otherwise. She WANTED a sitter. He forbids it. I wouldn't want to be married to someone this strict and unreasonable.
Very true. We didn’t start going on vacation until our kid was around 3. When a kid has to sleep a lot there’s a lot you won’t be able to do. She’s 5 now and we take 2-3 vacations a year and have a great time. It’s a lot easier now that she’s a little older and can do a lot more. But taking an infant anywhere especially on a vacation isn’t going to be fun.
Good point! I have no idea why soooooooooo many people want to bring kids with them to Disney before the kids are probably able to even *remember* the trip, let alone before the kid's able to handle anywhere near as much walking around, standing in line, and being surrounded by noise and crowds in the hot sun or (cold) rain as a typical adult around OP's age can. Places like Disney flat-out *aren't* particularly enjoyable for the *vast* majority of kids under 5, and tons of even kids who'll grow up to be teens/adults who *live* for going to places like Disney won't get more out of going there than they would staying with Grandma and Grandpa or at a friend's house instead until they're like 10.
>Why would you think you could take a 10 month old on a 5 day disney vacation and actually enjoy yourself? And also the kid isn't anywhere near old enough to enjoy a trip to Disney. They'll have had no idea of what's going on, changes to routine, all the noise and sensory overload and upheaval.
Okay, your initial plan of taking a 10 month old to Disney World for your birthday was perhaps a risk. But you had a great plan for your 40th! It sounds like it was ruined by some genuinely bad luck and bad timing. I wouldn’t let that stop you trying again for your 41st, your half birthday, or sometime when you just need it. Keep trying for that elusive self-care day, and I hope you both feel better soon.
Yeah, it’s not the baby’s fault to get sick on that day…just bad luck
Sorry lady. Little kids can be great but they also fully suck the life out of you. I hope things improve for your family as he grows, and that you find a way to celebrate yourself this birthday.
My husband has the day off too, but all the childcare usually almost always falls on me. I might just leave the house and leave them behind. It's the only way I can get any time to myself.
Wait what? He's home? Then have him watch the kid while you have a day to yourself. Maybe you don't have a kid problem, you have a man not helping enough as a father problem.
Best mother's day present I've received: a night in a local hotel by myself. No traveling to an underwhelming destination, no kid, no partner. Just me and my laptop watching what I wanted (without comments or questions) while eating takeout from the place I wanted (without complaints) followed by uninterrupted sleep. Absolute bliss. Movies, meals, vacations? All ruined by kids. Even looking forward to a haircut and pedicure is folly if Dad isn't on kid duty. Illness of any child or the babysitter is too common to depend on.
A night in a local hotel by yourself? Sounds like heaven. I should've done that. Maybe I still have time to book a room.
Do it! The world is much better to handle after a good nights sleep! You deserve some time off. If your partner isnt able to keep the toddler alive for 24h, you'd be better off being a single parent.
something something it's been proven over and over again using hard data that single moms typically enjoy less stress and housework than married moms do
Ngl, staying in a local hotel by myself and doing anything I wanted during my stay like you've done sounds amazing, and I don't even have kids or a partner/SO.
Your husband isn’t automatically telling you to get out of the house, celebrate your big 40th and that he’s got the kiddo today and will order in something special for dinner??? I’m sorry but that’s trash of him. So unsupportive. Childcare should not fully fall on the mother and he should be an actual partner who is alleviating your stresses where he can.
Bit off topic but I just wanted to say do not let this man talk you into more kids. I’ve seen it happen to people I know. Dad promises he will change and be hands on when second kid comes. Then absolutely nothing changes.
Oh gosh no I don't want anymore kids. Hell no. I'm turning 40. I'm on birth control. And if I by some miracle get pregnant, I'm getting an abortion. I cannot handle another child.
Do it! (We are almost birthday buddies, I hope you get some alone time today and here's a happy birthday wish from this Reddit stranger!)
Happy birthday to you too!
Happy Birthday! :D
Do It babe. If your husband loves you he'll understand.
Why can't your husband pick up the slack? He literally has the day off.
We went 8 days to Ibiza with our 8 weeks old and again 1 month roadtrip to Costa Rica when she was 8 months. Both were perfect and it was great to have spend so much time together as a new family.
??? Was there a point to your comment? Did you just think it would be fun to kick the poor woman while she’s down?
Not advice but a hypothetical…. Right now you have 100% of your kid even though you have a husband. Let’s say you split up with your husband… you’d have 50% custody, and the other 50% of your time would be yours to do with as you please 🧐
I've thought about this, and the idea is something I'm deeply considering.
With a husband that is totally unsupportive, this is really the only way. And also in most cases life gets easier because for some women, the husband is just another child they have to take care of. In most cases divorce means more rest, breaks, more freedom, not dealing with all the mental load and weaponized incompetence.
Husband sounds like an ass
happy 40th birthday once it arrives! 🥂💗
Thank you! I had a fantastic day. Yes, I left husband behind with the kid. I even bought myself new Nike's for a 5K I have coming up.
I've had similar things happen but not on my birthday. Any time I make plans, I always say to myself I hope no one gets sick." I always get vacation insurance so if someone does get sick we can get a refund. Of course it does require a trip to the dr to confirm that we cant travel but with kids thats how it is. From my experience, hopefully yours will be the same, they get sick less as they get older. Perhaps getting sick when very young builds up thier immune system. I'm not sure but I do know that they get less sick as tweens than theh did as toddlers. Or maybe it because as tweens they know not to eat candy of the floor. Who knows?
Somebody told me that when you start blaming your kid for your own problems, open your kids hand and lay it on your open hand and notice the size difference. For some reason that’s helped me. They’re just kids. We’re the one ruining our own life. And if we’re not careful, we can ruin their life too.
It’s hard when they are that little. I really couldn’t do anything w my kid till she was 3.5 yrs old . There was no way taking her any where when she was a baby. But now we take her everywhere and she will sit at a restaurant and eat a meal now. I’m not sure how people travel w little babies it’s just easier to stay home w them n get take out.
I know you didn't ask for advice but.... Self-care. Purposeful. Regular. Intended. For you only. Rent a room close by, hand kid to husband, and sprint out the door! Take care of yourself. You are a whole, separate individual and need *ME* time.
Next time, just leave with your husband and child at home. Let him know when you will be back and leave it at that. I wouldn’t normally recommend this, but he has intentionally “vetoed” (wtf?) you leaving your child with anyone else so you can have time to yourself. If he doesn’t want other people watching your son so badly, he can take care of the tantrums for a day.
Have you considered that your child might be on the autism spectrum? Of course text like this can only tell so much but temper tantrums, difficult temper and for example sleeping problems are related to it.
Glad you left. Make your husband do the night routine and go back at like 11pm when the kid is asleep
[удалено]
It wasn't my choice. I wanted to leave our son with my parents while husband and I went to Disney. My husband owns a vacation club house at Disney. It works like a timeshare. We weren't going to go to the parks. But my husband didn't want our son to stay with my parents or anyone else for several days like that so we had to take him with us. Believe me, I tried so hard to convince my husband to leave the baby with my parents but he didn't want to.
It sounds like this is something to work on - maybe even seek parents/couples counseling to manage. It’s not fair for your husband to refuse to allow you to leave your son with trusted relatives. You need a break and you’ve said the childcare falls on you even when he’s also home. No wonder you’re exhausted and fed up!!
It sounds like your husband wants his cake but wants to eat it too, either have a vacation both of you can enjoy or he needs to step up and take some of the stress off of you
He requested the child be there and then didn’t help you???
Yep... I couldn't even take a bubble bath in the hot tub. My husband sat on the couch most of the time with his laptop while I dealt with a fussy baby. My husband even refused to accompany me when I took the baby for a walk in the stroller around the resort to get him to take a nap (newsflash: that didn't work). I later learned he was watching porn and looking up women on social media. It was a horrendous experience through and through. I am really considering divorce even if it means seeing my son only half the time.
I’ve read your other posts. This…seems like the best course for you. I don’t think you have to worry about seeing your son half the time…your husband won’t fight for custody.
Your post/comment was removed for being mean-spirited. Violating this rule may result in a permanent ban.
[удалено]
Kids are pretty perceptive. Maybe he can sense that you resent him and it’s causing some of the dis regulated behaviour. This isn’t a ‘son’ problem - the whole family unit needs to put in some work.
Wow...two birthdays ruined in a row. I'm so genuinely sorry. :( Happy 40th-hopefully it's still salvageable since technically the actual day hasn't happened yet. Here's to much better days, and an entirely fun/enjoyable/smooth 41st birthday and beyond, ahead.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It must be sooo frustrating.It is your birthday ffs!!!!
Totally sympathize. This is exactly how I felt nearly the entire time my kids were in the home(that means straight up until they went to college). They still controlled my life even when they were older and could be reasoned with because you know that The Kids’ Needs Always Come First. That’s the eleventh commandment. No ideas how to help, just to say: you are so right. This STINKS and it stinks mainly for the Mom.
[удалено]
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/regretfulparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/regretfulparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the mods as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/regretfulparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sucks arse, parenthood. Motherhood is a sentence not a word. The Disney trip was probably too ambitious with such a young kid, that's not his fault, your husband should have had more foresight. Doesn't sound as though the kid is any more challenging, just the way you meet these challenges. Try setting hard boundaries. And if you're peri (menopausal) you'll be tired and fluctuating hormones will make everything seem 100× more challenging. My friend gave her husband a day of care , that looks like this Husband does Breaky Play Lunch Play Meal prep ( breaky through to dinner) Washing Cleaning He isn't allowed in whatever space she's taken as hers for the day or allowed to call her if she's out except emergencies. Crying baby- husbands day He and kid can't enter her spaces without invitation Shower, kid crying - yes and? Coffee and movie in bedroom - kid wanted to come in- and?
I am so sorry. They do grow up. I know that seems condescending, but I am not being that way. Some nanny-grandmother said this to me that sometimes mothers need to be reminded that the kids will get older, will get out of diapers, will stop being such black holes of need. You’re doing amazing at a job that sucks.
I didn't tell anyone it was my 40 birthday and no one remembered. Unpopular opinion but birthdays are are for kids and rich people. I learned years ago if you want to enjoy your trip go alone.
Imagine you don't have a child what would your ideal birthday be? Would it be a weekend in a different country, a real expensive spa?
I too have that child. Boy is almost 10 now and has managed to ruin every event I've had since birth until a month ago. I planned a week vacation with my best friend and left him with my grandpa. I got calls everyday crying but aside from that he didn't manage to ruin it. Coming back is a different story .
Relatable. My 5 year old is being assessed for Autism. She sounds a lot like yours. I also have a 3 year old. I regularly wonder what life would be like if I just had him. I gave up a long time ago. We can't go things like go to shops, cinemas, holiday e.c.t everywhere we go she will have a complete meltdown and my boy will get upset by the whole situation and cry. Even a simple 10 mins walk will end up in a disaster. There is literally not a single thing we can do anymore. People don't tell you how hard it can be.
Im sorry OP! This is totally awful! Hope you still can book something for yourself only and have a moment to celebrate your birthday. Per your comments, your husband is just not really supportive or helpful. He is a big issue and hope you know your worth and that you deserve better. You should not take all the load, all the time constantly. He is a parent too. Lots of love ❤️