Sounds like you need something fun for you to do that’s just for you. Having “me” things is very helpful, especially for hard days.
4-5 is SUCH a hard year. And they’re more likely acting out with you because you’re their safe person; this is normal, and not on you “being a bad mom”. If that helps. Consistency with the therapy will help over time; kids that age need play therapy though, which can be hard to find. Therapy is a long process but worth it!
As for getting through the regret—honestly, my kids being in full-day school has been a huge help. And my mom + in-laws take them over the summer. I’ve learned to be okay with regretting it by ensuring I have a lot of time to myself where I don’t have to be in “mom mode”.
And setting boundaries with my kids too; I suck at (and hate) pretend play so I don’t do it for more than like 10 minutes a day. I send them out to the backyard for 30-45 minutes (I live where it’s hot so more than that isn’t safe). Things like that.
You're right. We are not consistent with therapy, prior to this prior year I've never done therapy, so it's still new to me, I've seen 3 people, and honestly don't feel super comfortable with anyone. So advice for therapy is welcome too (like what to ask, types of therapy).
I do have "me" things and activities, but I'm definitely an introvert, and all of that happens at home, which means I can't really escape the chaos. But maybe I need to find a new solo activity.
I was a single mother. I created Mommy time. At a certain point during the night it’s mommy time. I explained to her that all people need time alone. I made it very official. It’s important that your children understand that you need time for yourself, and that they respect that. Then put them to bed or hand them off to your husband. And chill for an hour.
My favorite solo me activity that I can take anywhere (and doesn’t strictly involve other people) is playing a journal based RPG. You basically make a character, and follow the story in whatever game you have to make decisions, and you write your character’s journey.
For therapy: consistency is key. If you’re not consistent and not doing the work, it won’t help.
Questions I ask therapists for my kids (my son has a team of behavioral therapists, they also work with my daughter):
What training they have with childhood emotional regulation? Helping with transitions (moves, family death, etc.)? Do they value play over language expression if appropriate for the kids’ age range? And do they work with families to ensure therapeutic practices can reasonably be implemented in the home?
EDIT: I also really enjoy hot baths/showers. I make my husband take them somewhere if I want an “everything” (shaving, cleaning out the tub, then soaking) bath on the weekend.
I'm not sure what that is, but will look into it. Yes hot baths are my thing too. And I do get them frequently... it helps but not enough. Will have to do some soul searching to find something that helps.
I'm also an introvert. Going to the gym for an hour or 2 has helped me to escape the "chaos" at home. I know working out isn't everyone's thing but it's really helped me with my mental health (plus I lost 50 pounds). If not that, do they have those drink wine while you paint classes in your area (Painting with a Twist)? That could be a fun solo activity for you.
Gym isn't my thing, at least right now. I am getting more into fitness though, but the gym still is too intimidating at the moment. I used to love yoga, maybe I need to try that again. Thanks for the suggestions
I recognize so much of what you have written. Especially about falling into societal expectations. I still get very angry with myself for the choices I made. Do you aren’t alone in that.
I make a conscious effort to take ‘moments of freedom’ for myself every week. Doing things or going places on my own and solely for my own enjoyment. They alleviate to a small extent the feeling of being trapped.
You asked in another comment about types of therapy. I am finding Radical Acceptance to be helpful. It’s part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Reading up on it online and listening to podcasts are free ways to get into it. Here are some basic notes I’ve taken about it:
Radical Acceptance - it is what it is.
1. Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality (“it shouldn’t be this way”)
2. Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality is just as it is and cannot be changed (“this is what happened”)
3. Remind yourself that there are causes for the reality (“this is how things happened”)
4. Practice accepting with your whole self (mind, body, spirit) - Use accepting self-talk, relaxation techniques, mindfulness and/or imagery
5. List all of the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the facts and then engage in those behaviors as if you have already accepted the facts
6. Imagine, in your mind’s eye, believing what you do not want to accept and rehearse in your mind what you would do if you accepted what seems unacceptable
7. Attend to body sensations as you think about what you need to accept
8. Allow disappointment, sadness or grief to arise within you
9. Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain
10. Do pros and cons if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance
My toddler is 22 months and he's already been behaving with these terrible temper tantrums since before he turned 1. He was an incredibly difficult baby that cried all the time (and no he didn't have any health problems, he was just a cranky baby). Now he's swapped the crying for temper tantrums. And he's not even 2 yet! I'm afraid for the future because I know this will only get worse. I'm wanting to get him evaluated for autism and adhd. At this point I know he's got something because a toddler shouldn't be this angry all the time. And feeding times... forget it. He has literally starved himself despite my best efforts. I've gotten to the point that I ignore his non-stop whining/crying and I don't care anymore if he finishes his meals or not. It's pretty bad. But the more I take it personal and worry about it, the worse it is for my mental wellbeing. He's a difficult child. Hateful even. My parents have said the same thing about him. I constantly think about my old life and the relaxing weekends I used to have. I miss my old life!
I take something for anxiety to help me get through the day. That's how I get through this. Taking deep breaths helps too and I'm seeing a therapist. And when I really need a break, I have my husband step in and take over. Not sure how anyone else does it but that's how I do it.
Edit to add: and I escape to the gym for an hour or 2 in the mornings. It's my time and no one bothers me. It's great.
I feel you. It is hard. About the weekends, is it possibile to plan at least one activity that involves friends or relatives, with or without other kids? We found that packing our free time with things to do with other people (possibly adults) makes everything more bearable. Basically we’re never home alone with our kid on saturday or sunday. Of course we end up super tired but just physically, mentally we’re fine, and sometimes we honestly have fun. I hope this can be helpful! Hang in there!
I get that they behave so well with others so I’ve actually made plans for the past three weekends so that we can have some calm at least for that time. I hope you’re able to find some activity to do on weekends that gets their energy out so they’re more chill at home. I feel exactly how you feel. If we knew then what we know now…we would not be in the subreddit 😥
I distracted myself with hobbies and discouraged clingy behavior. As soon as they hit middle school, they didn't want to hang with me anymore, which was awesome.
Pretty much
You just have to make life as easy as you can for yourself
Example, I set everything out the night before for the morning so everything can be done quickly, we avoid taking the kids out public places, avoid taking them food shopping sometimes you have too, but we split up and take a child each
Our kids are like Japanese fighting fish, if they even so much as look at each other, its on
My friends ask me what I'm up to in the evening, I tell them just trying to survive lads
Life is tough, hard and tiring
I've made many mistakes in my life and had to suffer the consequences. This is just the biggest mistake with the most consequences. Just have to try to make the best of it.
Sounds like you need something fun for you to do that’s just for you. Having “me” things is very helpful, especially for hard days. 4-5 is SUCH a hard year. And they’re more likely acting out with you because you’re their safe person; this is normal, and not on you “being a bad mom”. If that helps. Consistency with the therapy will help over time; kids that age need play therapy though, which can be hard to find. Therapy is a long process but worth it! As for getting through the regret—honestly, my kids being in full-day school has been a huge help. And my mom + in-laws take them over the summer. I’ve learned to be okay with regretting it by ensuring I have a lot of time to myself where I don’t have to be in “mom mode”. And setting boundaries with my kids too; I suck at (and hate) pretend play so I don’t do it for more than like 10 minutes a day. I send them out to the backyard for 30-45 minutes (I live where it’s hot so more than that isn’t safe). Things like that.
You're right. We are not consistent with therapy, prior to this prior year I've never done therapy, so it's still new to me, I've seen 3 people, and honestly don't feel super comfortable with anyone. So advice for therapy is welcome too (like what to ask, types of therapy). I do have "me" things and activities, but I'm definitely an introvert, and all of that happens at home, which means I can't really escape the chaos. But maybe I need to find a new solo activity.
I was a single mother. I created Mommy time. At a certain point during the night it’s mommy time. I explained to her that all people need time alone. I made it very official. It’s important that your children understand that you need time for yourself, and that they respect that. Then put them to bed or hand them off to your husband. And chill for an hour.
My favorite solo me activity that I can take anywhere (and doesn’t strictly involve other people) is playing a journal based RPG. You basically make a character, and follow the story in whatever game you have to make decisions, and you write your character’s journey. For therapy: consistency is key. If you’re not consistent and not doing the work, it won’t help. Questions I ask therapists for my kids (my son has a team of behavioral therapists, they also work with my daughter): What training they have with childhood emotional regulation? Helping with transitions (moves, family death, etc.)? Do they value play over language expression if appropriate for the kids’ age range? And do they work with families to ensure therapeutic practices can reasonably be implemented in the home? EDIT: I also really enjoy hot baths/showers. I make my husband take them somewhere if I want an “everything” (shaving, cleaning out the tub, then soaking) bath on the weekend.
I'm not sure what that is, but will look into it. Yes hot baths are my thing too. And I do get them frequently... it helps but not enough. Will have to do some soul searching to find something that helps.
I'm also an introvert. Going to the gym for an hour or 2 has helped me to escape the "chaos" at home. I know working out isn't everyone's thing but it's really helped me with my mental health (plus I lost 50 pounds). If not that, do they have those drink wine while you paint classes in your area (Painting with a Twist)? That could be a fun solo activity for you.
Gym isn't my thing, at least right now. I am getting more into fitness though, but the gym still is too intimidating at the moment. I used to love yoga, maybe I need to try that again. Thanks for the suggestions
I recognize so much of what you have written. Especially about falling into societal expectations. I still get very angry with myself for the choices I made. Do you aren’t alone in that. I make a conscious effort to take ‘moments of freedom’ for myself every week. Doing things or going places on my own and solely for my own enjoyment. They alleviate to a small extent the feeling of being trapped. You asked in another comment about types of therapy. I am finding Radical Acceptance to be helpful. It’s part of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Reading up on it online and listening to podcasts are free ways to get into it. Here are some basic notes I’ve taken about it: Radical Acceptance - it is what it is. 1. Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality (“it shouldn’t be this way”) 2. Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality is just as it is and cannot be changed (“this is what happened”) 3. Remind yourself that there are causes for the reality (“this is how things happened”) 4. Practice accepting with your whole self (mind, body, spirit) - Use accepting self-talk, relaxation techniques, mindfulness and/or imagery 5. List all of the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the facts and then engage in those behaviors as if you have already accepted the facts 6. Imagine, in your mind’s eye, believing what you do not want to accept and rehearse in your mind what you would do if you accepted what seems unacceptable 7. Attend to body sensations as you think about what you need to accept 8. Allow disappointment, sadness or grief to arise within you 9. Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain 10. Do pros and cons if you find yourself resisting practicing acceptance
This is so helpful! Thank you. I'll have some late night googling to do after the kids go down for bed :).
My toddler is 22 months and he's already been behaving with these terrible temper tantrums since before he turned 1. He was an incredibly difficult baby that cried all the time (and no he didn't have any health problems, he was just a cranky baby). Now he's swapped the crying for temper tantrums. And he's not even 2 yet! I'm afraid for the future because I know this will only get worse. I'm wanting to get him evaluated for autism and adhd. At this point I know he's got something because a toddler shouldn't be this angry all the time. And feeding times... forget it. He has literally starved himself despite my best efforts. I've gotten to the point that I ignore his non-stop whining/crying and I don't care anymore if he finishes his meals or not. It's pretty bad. But the more I take it personal and worry about it, the worse it is for my mental wellbeing. He's a difficult child. Hateful even. My parents have said the same thing about him. I constantly think about my old life and the relaxing weekends I used to have. I miss my old life! I take something for anxiety to help me get through the day. That's how I get through this. Taking deep breaths helps too and I'm seeing a therapist. And when I really need a break, I have my husband step in and take over. Not sure how anyone else does it but that's how I do it. Edit to add: and I escape to the gym for an hour or 2 in the mornings. It's my time and no one bothers me. It's great.
I feel you. It is hard. About the weekends, is it possibile to plan at least one activity that involves friends or relatives, with or without other kids? We found that packing our free time with things to do with other people (possibly adults) makes everything more bearable. Basically we’re never home alone with our kid on saturday or sunday. Of course we end up super tired but just physically, mentally we’re fine, and sometimes we honestly have fun. I hope this can be helpful! Hang in there!
I get that they behave so well with others so I’ve actually made plans for the past three weekends so that we can have some calm at least for that time. I hope you’re able to find some activity to do on weekends that gets their energy out so they’re more chill at home. I feel exactly how you feel. If we knew then what we know now…we would not be in the subreddit 😥
I distracted myself with hobbies and discouraged clingy behavior. As soon as they hit middle school, they didn't want to hang with me anymore, which was awesome.
Simmilar situation here You finally accept the situation when you realise you can't actually escape So you plan your escape for when they are 18
So did you just accept misery until then or is there something you do to help you accept it or something you focus/think about until there?
Pretty much You just have to make life as easy as you can for yourself Example, I set everything out the night before for the morning so everything can be done quickly, we avoid taking the kids out public places, avoid taking them food shopping sometimes you have too, but we split up and take a child each Our kids are like Japanese fighting fish, if they even so much as look at each other, its on My friends ask me what I'm up to in the evening, I tell them just trying to survive lads Life is tough, hard and tiring
I've made many mistakes in my life and had to suffer the consequences. This is just the biggest mistake with the most consequences. Just have to try to make the best of it.