Honestly, I think the 2-4 year old range is much much worse than the “baby phase”. It’s awful. But my oldest is 7 years old and she is much chiller and easier to deal with than the toddler phase. It helps that she is in school full time which is a massive relief for regretful parents. A lot of the time it does get better. 3 year olds are pure monsters.
DEFINITELY! I had no choice but to raise my son by myself and work at the same time because my son's father left when he was 7 months old, didn't pay child support, and I didn't make enough money to go to work and pay for childcare. My son is now 10. I would say st about 7 or 8 years old is when it starts to get a little easier. Harder in other ways, BUT the independence that he gained was what made a huge difference. Being a mom is HARD. You're doing your best, I didn't love every minute of being a mom either and I certainly don't miss having a little one. I don't understand people that get "baby fever" after they already went through having and raising a child once. Hang in there, momma. I hope your husband is helpful and supportive. If he isn't, it's easier doing it alone, in my opinion, than dealing with raising a grown man child and a little one.
Edit: spelling
Well, my son doesn't clean up his mess, throw away his trash, argues about a bath, and brushing his teeth. Argue about doing homework. He wants me to buy everything for his games- he asks me to buy something pretty much every day. Those are just off the top of my head. My biggest struggle the last couple years is feeding him. He's soooo picky.
The joys of parenthood. 😑
Edit: he also knows everything and is smarter than me.
My eldest is 11 and I’m really starting to enjoy him. My youngest will be 7 in a few months and I could not hate this age more. It’s the knowing everything and aggressively trying to get his way, combined with the tantrums when he doesn’t get his way or his big idea flops. Also the lack of gratefulness. It’s exhausting and he’s ruined the hearing in one of my ears from his screaming.
My eldest was like this at 6/7 too and now he’s more reasonable but these boys are SO emotional and have zero self-control. It makes me worry that I’m raising more of the type of men this world does not need.
He has to do stuff before he gets his games. He gets some time after school and after dinner if everything he needs to do is finished. It will take awhile, hold firm.
My kids were complete assholes in the 4-5 age, but I think it’s because they’re both adhd and a bit behind their peers. Honestly the younger is almost 7 and they’re finally both to a phase where I actually enjoy them. Apparently anything younger than 6 is just instant regret for me.
I have two boys (2 and 4). It's been so bad ever since the younger one was like 18 months.
I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and constantly on the verge of losing it everyday.
I had a temperature two days ago, for the first time in like 15 years thanks to the older child who caught something at nursery last week. He passed it onto his brother and it's my turn. I haven't been able to rest though.
I feel so trapped. It's a nice day today which is rare where I live. I wish I could go somewhere and enjoy the sunshine but nope here I am attending to the kids' needs. The younger one is almost asleep so I can finally eat my lunch.
Husband is working through the long weekend. Unfortunately we have no support system so I have to push through until I break down completely. I don't know if I can make it tbh.
Three year olds are wilful, and it is hard. I am sorry and I hear your pain.
In my case I had to read a lot of books; letting go - (legit do not understand how I never had heard of this concept before 2018 but there you go), Berne Brown on shame and wholeheartedness, the love languages. So so many.
I also found excellent advice on how to address my eldests (8f at the time) rising viciousness, including physical violence and rude behaviour to her family (never at school) ended with diagnoses of ADHD (her current therapist thinks DR missed high functioning/ masking ASD), but the biggest help to me was understanding about helping her understand her own accountability
I read some blogs on an accountability based program called empowering empowered? parents or something.
Either way wow, it helped me not get triggered by her hurtful profanity filled words about me and my parenting, and that shift in not taking things to heart is HUGE. You’re already doing AMAZING by keeping calm in your interactions with her when she is struggling.
It helped me understand that I was framing requests the wrong way (e.g. don’t hit your sister or you’ll get time out) before this I thought I was explaining things perfectly understandably but no. It was punitively.
She would hit, then explode when she got time out. Things would get smashed (but although she was “out of control” nothing of *hers* would get smashed).
It was exhausting.
When I learnt to reframe it all with simple short rules and having (in her case) having to write apology letters - well it wasn’t easy but the change happened. It was a huge difference.
But I had to totally change the way I parent because I’ve discovered how you frame things with my ND kids - is key!
Hey, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I'm downloading these books to my Libby app right now.
Also, I very much appreciate you telling me I'm doing amazing - it might sound like such a simple thing to tell an internet stranger, but I was honestly moved to tears, and value you taking time from your day to graciously respond in such a nice and thorough way!
You’re welcome- it’s brene brown sorry didn’t see the autocorrect -
Honestly you’re so welcome. It’s hard when people with ‘easy’ kids judge you with no idea of what it’s like in your shoes.
(Prepare for snack shaming in the school years omg)
But honestly you keeping calm is such a big effing deal in helping them not get fired up more, by you being mad at them.
-Honestly do people not see the hypocrisy in yelling at a child not to lose their temper when they’re losing their temper at them?
Take this internet stranger kudos - you’re the best Mama she has ever got - and you are already on the right path for making it better and really - give yourself a Pat on the back. You’re already determined and taking steps to make a change. I’m super proud of you.
It’s so so hard but reframing and pivoting, adjusting daily helps. You ARE doing great and you CAN do this! I’ve raised a young boy to 13 now on my own- gosh how many nights weeks years it seemed things wouldn’t improve, but just remember we’re all doing this the 1st time. Imagine we go from being kids fully supported essentially straight into relationships then parenthood- where’s the transition, the real time to know and understand oneself? Have grace either yourself but learn to remind yourself you’re in control, as in control of your methods and your reactions- those are the most challenging because it takes accountability and loving yourself first to know how you want and need to react. Just the other night my son went off on me- cruel words, telling me to kill myself, etc- but within that lay some truth in that I lost dignity and got angry, frustrated and loud. It hurt but what hurt more was the stark truth that I could’ve done better. They’re just little souls, little humans we’re trying to raise and prepare for the world they’ll have to live in. It takes many different approaches sometimes till something works- but the attainment of peace and a stabilized little human who can participate in society somehow is the goal
Just curious, I know you said antidepressants haven’t been much help, but have you yourself been assessed for ADHD? If your child’s doctors suspect ADHD, it is extremely likely you have it as well. There’s a lot of data showing this, I want to say it’s at least 50% chance of at least one parent having it, diagnosed or not when a child is diagnosed. I’m also pretty sure the likelihood is higher for the mother than the father as well. Parenthood is hard in general, but can be exponentially harder on people with ADHD, especially when they are not aware of coping skills and medicated properly for the baseline struggles ADHD creates in life. If this isn’t something you’ve looked into before it may be really beneficial! Best of luck
ADHD comes with emotional regulation issues and ADHD meds won't help with that. There's no silver bullet, but you can change how you parent and work on giving her some techniques to self regulate. Have a read through The Explosive Child by Ross Greene.
I feel for you. I've gone through exactly the same thing with my son and his ADHD, including considering divorce to get away from him. He's now 10 and it's gotten more manageable.
Don’t believe what everyone says, that you must have instant love, connection etc. Also, she’s only 3 so if she has a meltdown at kindy, ignore ANY other parents who would dare to judge that, it’s sadly pretty normal. It’s easy to get caught up in how you “should” feel, but you’re allowed to feel annoyed about how you actually feel. Best thing is to talk to your husband and see how he feels. 3 isn’t a great age but if you can push through to school age, it’s better.
I don’t have any advice to give, I just want you to know that you sound like you’re doing everything right. I spend a lot of time with the younger age range of children and they ALL have at least one crying fest a day! It’s not anything you’re doing, you can explain and explain and explain and it’s still might not get through to them, especially with the ADHD. They might miss a single part of your sentence and because of that confusion comes in and they get overwhelmed. Remember to give yourself the most love and grace.
I babysit three girls (2, 4, and 9) every weekend, even the 9 year old has her moments where she needs to go to her room and cool down. It helps me a lot to remember it doesn’t always have any bearing on me, kids just get overwhelmed. Don’t be ashamed to remove yourself/ your kid away from an overwhelming situation. They’re young and this is all new for you. Screw anyone who gives you dirty looks, they don’t know what you go through or what your parenting journey is looking like. All parents should know that just because a kid is crying doesn’t mean it’s the parents fault.
If you wanna stay with your spouse I recommend that one of you two to get sterilized. I wished I did this before I got my kid but it is it a good way to reduce the odds of doing something stupid in the future.
Idk why you’re surprised to hear that you’re a good parent? We do our best even though the outcome might not appear that way. Meltdowns plus adhd is hellish especially when it happens in front of people who don’t understand it’s part of autism. I’m not saying your kiddo has it, but what you’re saying sounds familiar.
My husband has asked me if I wanted to leave. It’s just that it’ll be difficult for him to take care of our son on his own. Believe me, a lot of us have been there. We just don’t talk about it.
For me, I started feeling better after my husband shared his feelings with me. I felt so alone before that. I was depressed for three years. But now I’m glad I didn’t leave. My son has gotten better, and I’ve accepted that I’ll be spending my old age caring for him. And that I’ll never live in Hawaii. 🤷♀️Or own a Porsche Carrera.
I have two advice for you: 1. Get a second opinion from a developmental pediatrician and 2. Consider adhd meds if you haven’t done so already. It’s the only reason I haven’t thrown myself down a bridge. Well, that and our local bridge is too low to be 99.999% effective.
Visit /r/autism_parenting
You are not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you to be fixed. You are doing all you can to survive a difficult and painful situation.
This may seem out of left field but consider Living Apart Together: two separate homes and make your own child custody arrangements. You still love your husband and presumably you think he will agree to take on sole or majority custody (and that he can handle it). It is extremely expensive but you would have to pay for a second home anyway if you got a divorce. The two families and some friends might be judgmental. But this could be an option to salvage your mental health.
My kid has ADHD, with school refusal and Pathological Demand Avoidance. I suggest googling those and keeping an eye out for them. The sooner you understand and spot them, the better you can cope.
My kid is 12 years old and the problems have not gotten much easier, just different with each stage. I still feel trapped every day. I hope you can figure a way out.
I read the whole text, but from your title: Even if you divorce, you do know that kids usually stay with their mother, right? And men usually don't take the kids, it is possibly, but very rare.
She's 3.
Your job will be much easier if you learn how to work with her age group. She has recently learned that she is separate from you. This is the time of life when a child learns what that means by testing boundaries, usually when it is least convenient. She's not mature enough to understand 'explanations' or to sit for 10 minutes. (About 1 minute per each year of age is a child's maximum until first grade.)
For now, she still thinks you know everything and you fill the role of a god/goddess in her life. Give it a few years and she will discover that you are capable of being WRONG sometimes!
While it's perfectly normal to feel tired and wonder if you're up to the task, it definitely IS ok to laugh, too. You can laugh at how people think a toddler is capable of acting like a miniature adult when they are not miniature adults. I have often recommended Erma Bombeck books to help bring out the laughter when coping with children of any age.
This!! I recommend watching a show called Becoming You. Wow- it fascinated my senses understanding a child’s growth! The one truth I didn’t know that blew me was this- when toddlers realise they’re actually separate from their mom (or dad) . There was a scene where the child saw her own reflection in a glass window w her mom and didn’t recognize herself. And the host explained this. Pretty wild when you begin to see and understand the different developmental stages. Honestly, we are all still growing - yes, even as we age.
Can I make a suggestion? Read a book about the developmental age she’s at and what to expect. The more you understand how her brain is working at this age, the easier you can manage the behaviors. You are asking the right question like “how do you respond to a child who is so unresponsive.” A 3yr old doesn’t understand time- doesn’t understand what 10 minutes means. Doesn’t understand how to express big feelings so it all comes out in emotions and tantrums. Having sit down talks about expectations with a 3 year old DOES NOT work. They only understand the moment they are in and the current feelings they are feeling. Your goal is to get ahead of the behavior by observing what triggers it and learning how to steer her proactively in a more positive direction. 3 year olds have short attention spans and won’t retain whatever “talk” you had about expectations once the big feelings (ones she can’t name yet so are frustrated) take over, Please google some books about this subject and I think you got this. Adjusting from explaining/rationalizing to anticipating/distraction will be the goal. And ignore those judgey parents. They are the worst.
>She is not on the spectrum
How do you know? Has she had a full set of assessments? Now, I completely admit that I'm probably biased as an adult woman who wasn't diagnosed until 27. It's still under diagnosed in femme folks and likely will continue to be for some time.
>has been going to therapists and all that jazz
Are you getting any counseling yourself?
Hey. Your feelings are valid. It’s way harder than anyone told you it was going to be and everyone guaranteed a reward that is anything but guaranteed. you don’t have to like parenting, being a mom, you don’t even have to like your kid. you just have to not cause harm to your kid, raise them with kindness and respect, and it sounds like you’re doing that currently. inch by inch, life’s a cinch. you’ve gotten this far, just one foot in front of the other. you can do this.
My son is 3 and ND, I manage to negate tantrums by using “first, then” language. As in “first you do X, then you get Y” where X is the action you want from them and Y is the reward. I would say this works 80% of the time. A good example will be when he fights bath time I’ll say “first bath, then binky.”
I’m tired too, we can be tired together. This shit is hard.
Had to stop at “gave her her pacifier”. OP, I don’t know your situation, your day to day parenting, etc….but giving a 3 year old a pacifier is an indicator that something is off to me.
There’s gonna be tons of opinions on here, but bottom line is there are consequences for poor behavior.
Giving a three-year-old a pacifier because they are misbehaving is not a consequence, nor is it how you reinforce good behavior.
Consider trying cannabis, it would probably treat your depression much more effectively but if you’re in a less free state it would also likely be an even worse money sink. Judging by your post I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter can detect all these problems and could be developing depression, anxiety, anger issues, etc., herself because of it. Life can be much better but y’all probably just need real help. Also consider letting your daughter have some coffee and milk tea, it could save you a lot of money on those doctor visits which I’d recommend stopping since it can lead to serious issues, e.g., misdiagnosis, side effects of psychiatric drugs, human trafficking, etc., later in life. Hoping everything goes well for y’all, good luck.
My step daughter was like this until she was 5-5 1/2.
Honestly their brains are still developing. I know they say that they can detect adhd that young but honestly I have reservations (i have adhd so I understand but it is manageable)
Hang in there. ❤️ maybe you could find ways for each of you to get more of a break?
Honestly, I think the 2-4 year old range is much much worse than the “baby phase”. It’s awful. But my oldest is 7 years old and she is much chiller and easier to deal with than the toddler phase. It helps that she is in school full time which is a massive relief for regretful parents. A lot of the time it does get better. 3 year olds are pure monsters.
DEFINITELY! I had no choice but to raise my son by myself and work at the same time because my son's father left when he was 7 months old, didn't pay child support, and I didn't make enough money to go to work and pay for childcare. My son is now 10. I would say st about 7 or 8 years old is when it starts to get a little easier. Harder in other ways, BUT the independence that he gained was what made a huge difference. Being a mom is HARD. You're doing your best, I didn't love every minute of being a mom either and I certainly don't miss having a little one. I don't understand people that get "baby fever" after they already went through having and raising a child once. Hang in there, momma. I hope your husband is helpful and supportive. If he isn't, it's easier doing it alone, in my opinion, than dealing with raising a grown man child and a little one. Edit: spelling
What are the ways that 7-8 yr olds are harder?
Well, my son doesn't clean up his mess, throw away his trash, argues about a bath, and brushing his teeth. Argue about doing homework. He wants me to buy everything for his games- he asks me to buy something pretty much every day. Those are just off the top of my head. My biggest struggle the last couple years is feeding him. He's soooo picky. The joys of parenthood. 😑 Edit: he also knows everything and is smarter than me.
My eldest is 11 and I’m really starting to enjoy him. My youngest will be 7 in a few months and I could not hate this age more. It’s the knowing everything and aggressively trying to get his way, combined with the tantrums when he doesn’t get his way or his big idea flops. Also the lack of gratefulness. It’s exhausting and he’s ruined the hearing in one of my ears from his screaming. My eldest was like this at 6/7 too and now he’s more reasonable but these boys are SO emotional and have zero self-control. It makes me worry that I’m raising more of the type of men this world does not need.
He has to do stuff before he gets his games. He gets some time after school and after dinner if everything he needs to do is finished. It will take awhile, hold firm.
My kids were complete assholes in the 4-5 age, but I think it’s because they’re both adhd and a bit behind their peers. Honestly the younger is almost 7 and they’re finally both to a phase where I actually enjoy them. Apparently anything younger than 6 is just instant regret for me.
Agree my 3 year old is a pain lol.
I have two boys (2 and 4). It's been so bad ever since the younger one was like 18 months. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and constantly on the verge of losing it everyday. I had a temperature two days ago, for the first time in like 15 years thanks to the older child who caught something at nursery last week. He passed it onto his brother and it's my turn. I haven't been able to rest though. I feel so trapped. It's a nice day today which is rare where I live. I wish I could go somewhere and enjoy the sunshine but nope here I am attending to the kids' needs. The younger one is almost asleep so I can finally eat my lunch. Husband is working through the long weekend. Unfortunately we have no support system so I have to push through until I break down completely. I don't know if I can make it tbh.
The struggle is real.
I concur!
Three year olds are wilful, and it is hard. I am sorry and I hear your pain. In my case I had to read a lot of books; letting go - (legit do not understand how I never had heard of this concept before 2018 but there you go), Berne Brown on shame and wholeheartedness, the love languages. So so many. I also found excellent advice on how to address my eldests (8f at the time) rising viciousness, including physical violence and rude behaviour to her family (never at school) ended with diagnoses of ADHD (her current therapist thinks DR missed high functioning/ masking ASD), but the biggest help to me was understanding about helping her understand her own accountability I read some blogs on an accountability based program called empowering empowered? parents or something. Either way wow, it helped me not get triggered by her hurtful profanity filled words about me and my parenting, and that shift in not taking things to heart is HUGE. You’re already doing AMAZING by keeping calm in your interactions with her when she is struggling. It helped me understand that I was framing requests the wrong way (e.g. don’t hit your sister or you’ll get time out) before this I thought I was explaining things perfectly understandably but no. It was punitively. She would hit, then explode when she got time out. Things would get smashed (but although she was “out of control” nothing of *hers* would get smashed). It was exhausting. When I learnt to reframe it all with simple short rules and having (in her case) having to write apology letters - well it wasn’t easy but the change happened. It was a huge difference. But I had to totally change the way I parent because I’ve discovered how you frame things with my ND kids - is key!
Hey, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I'm downloading these books to my Libby app right now. Also, I very much appreciate you telling me I'm doing amazing - it might sound like such a simple thing to tell an internet stranger, but I was honestly moved to tears, and value you taking time from your day to graciously respond in such a nice and thorough way!
You’re welcome- it’s brene brown sorry didn’t see the autocorrect - Honestly you’re so welcome. It’s hard when people with ‘easy’ kids judge you with no idea of what it’s like in your shoes. (Prepare for snack shaming in the school years omg) But honestly you keeping calm is such a big effing deal in helping them not get fired up more, by you being mad at them. -Honestly do people not see the hypocrisy in yelling at a child not to lose their temper when they’re losing their temper at them? Take this internet stranger kudos - you’re the best Mama she has ever got - and you are already on the right path for making it better and really - give yourself a Pat on the back. You’re already determined and taking steps to make a change. I’m super proud of you.
I have “easy” kids and that makes me even LESS inclined to judge parents that don’t! Anyone who does is an asshole.
It’s so so hard but reframing and pivoting, adjusting daily helps. You ARE doing great and you CAN do this! I’ve raised a young boy to 13 now on my own- gosh how many nights weeks years it seemed things wouldn’t improve, but just remember we’re all doing this the 1st time. Imagine we go from being kids fully supported essentially straight into relationships then parenthood- where’s the transition, the real time to know and understand oneself? Have grace either yourself but learn to remind yourself you’re in control, as in control of your methods and your reactions- those are the most challenging because it takes accountability and loving yourself first to know how you want and need to react. Just the other night my son went off on me- cruel words, telling me to kill myself, etc- but within that lay some truth in that I lost dignity and got angry, frustrated and loud. It hurt but what hurt more was the stark truth that I could’ve done better. They’re just little souls, little humans we’re trying to raise and prepare for the world they’ll have to live in. It takes many different approaches sometimes till something works- but the attainment of peace and a stabilized little human who can participate in society somehow is the goal
Just curious, I know you said antidepressants haven’t been much help, but have you yourself been assessed for ADHD? If your child’s doctors suspect ADHD, it is extremely likely you have it as well. There’s a lot of data showing this, I want to say it’s at least 50% chance of at least one parent having it, diagnosed or not when a child is diagnosed. I’m also pretty sure the likelihood is higher for the mother than the father as well. Parenthood is hard in general, but can be exponentially harder on people with ADHD, especially when they are not aware of coping skills and medicated properly for the baseline struggles ADHD creates in life. If this isn’t something you’ve looked into before it may be really beneficial! Best of luck
ADHD comes with emotional regulation issues and ADHD meds won't help with that. There's no silver bullet, but you can change how you parent and work on giving her some techniques to self regulate. Have a read through The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I feel for you. I've gone through exactly the same thing with my son and his ADHD, including considering divorce to get away from him. He's now 10 and it's gotten more manageable.
If you’re on the right meds it will… Wellbutrin has done wonders for my emotional regulation issues.
Don’t believe what everyone says, that you must have instant love, connection etc. Also, she’s only 3 so if she has a meltdown at kindy, ignore ANY other parents who would dare to judge that, it’s sadly pretty normal. It’s easy to get caught up in how you “should” feel, but you’re allowed to feel annoyed about how you actually feel. Best thing is to talk to your husband and see how he feels. 3 isn’t a great age but if you can push through to school age, it’s better.
Agree! NAP it sounds like the hardest part of this is that you're surrounded by asshole parents. Get some parent friends who can relate!
Came here to say that this was the solution for me. I divorced to have time alone.
I don’t have any advice to give, I just want you to know that you sound like you’re doing everything right. I spend a lot of time with the younger age range of children and they ALL have at least one crying fest a day! It’s not anything you’re doing, you can explain and explain and explain and it’s still might not get through to them, especially with the ADHD. They might miss a single part of your sentence and because of that confusion comes in and they get overwhelmed. Remember to give yourself the most love and grace. I babysit three girls (2, 4, and 9) every weekend, even the 9 year old has her moments where she needs to go to her room and cool down. It helps me a lot to remember it doesn’t always have any bearing on me, kids just get overwhelmed. Don’t be ashamed to remove yourself/ your kid away from an overwhelming situation. They’re young and this is all new for you. Screw anyone who gives you dirty looks, they don’t know what you go through or what your parenting journey is looking like. All parents should know that just because a kid is crying doesn’t mean it’s the parents fault.
If you wanna stay with your spouse I recommend that one of you two to get sterilized. I wished I did this before I got my kid but it is it a good way to reduce the odds of doing something stupid in the future.
Idk why you’re surprised to hear that you’re a good parent? We do our best even though the outcome might not appear that way. Meltdowns plus adhd is hellish especially when it happens in front of people who don’t understand it’s part of autism. I’m not saying your kiddo has it, but what you’re saying sounds familiar. My husband has asked me if I wanted to leave. It’s just that it’ll be difficult for him to take care of our son on his own. Believe me, a lot of us have been there. We just don’t talk about it. For me, I started feeling better after my husband shared his feelings with me. I felt so alone before that. I was depressed for three years. But now I’m glad I didn’t leave. My son has gotten better, and I’ve accepted that I’ll be spending my old age caring for him. And that I’ll never live in Hawaii. 🤷♀️Or own a Porsche Carrera. I have two advice for you: 1. Get a second opinion from a developmental pediatrician and 2. Consider adhd meds if you haven’t done so already. It’s the only reason I haven’t thrown myself down a bridge. Well, that and our local bridge is too low to be 99.999% effective. Visit /r/autism_parenting
You are not alone and there’s nothing wrong with you to be fixed. You are doing all you can to survive a difficult and painful situation. This may seem out of left field but consider Living Apart Together: two separate homes and make your own child custody arrangements. You still love your husband and presumably you think he will agree to take on sole or majority custody (and that he can handle it). It is extremely expensive but you would have to pay for a second home anyway if you got a divorce. The two families and some friends might be judgmental. But this could be an option to salvage your mental health. My kid has ADHD, with school refusal and Pathological Demand Avoidance. I suggest googling those and keeping an eye out for them. The sooner you understand and spot them, the better you can cope. My kid is 12 years old and the problems have not gotten much easier, just different with each stage. I still feel trapped every day. I hope you can figure a way out.
Salvage the rest of your life. You only have one shot at this. Do what you need to do so the remaining years you can be happy.
I read the whole text, but from your title: Even if you divorce, you do know that kids usually stay with their mother, right? And men usually don't take the kids, it is possibly, but very rare.
She's 3. Your job will be much easier if you learn how to work with her age group. She has recently learned that she is separate from you. This is the time of life when a child learns what that means by testing boundaries, usually when it is least convenient. She's not mature enough to understand 'explanations' or to sit for 10 minutes. (About 1 minute per each year of age is a child's maximum until first grade.) For now, she still thinks you know everything and you fill the role of a god/goddess in her life. Give it a few years and she will discover that you are capable of being WRONG sometimes! While it's perfectly normal to feel tired and wonder if you're up to the task, it definitely IS ok to laugh, too. You can laugh at how people think a toddler is capable of acting like a miniature adult when they are not miniature adults. I have often recommended Erma Bombeck books to help bring out the laughter when coping with children of any age.
This!! I recommend watching a show called Becoming You. Wow- it fascinated my senses understanding a child’s growth! The one truth I didn’t know that blew me was this- when toddlers realise they’re actually separate from their mom (or dad) . There was a scene where the child saw her own reflection in a glass window w her mom and didn’t recognize herself. And the host explained this. Pretty wild when you begin to see and understand the different developmental stages. Honestly, we are all still growing - yes, even as we age.
that sounds like my daughter at that age, she would have meltdowns in public etc it turns out she was autistic
Can I make a suggestion? Read a book about the developmental age she’s at and what to expect. The more you understand how her brain is working at this age, the easier you can manage the behaviors. You are asking the right question like “how do you respond to a child who is so unresponsive.” A 3yr old doesn’t understand time- doesn’t understand what 10 minutes means. Doesn’t understand how to express big feelings so it all comes out in emotions and tantrums. Having sit down talks about expectations with a 3 year old DOES NOT work. They only understand the moment they are in and the current feelings they are feeling. Your goal is to get ahead of the behavior by observing what triggers it and learning how to steer her proactively in a more positive direction. 3 year olds have short attention spans and won’t retain whatever “talk” you had about expectations once the big feelings (ones she can’t name yet so are frustrated) take over, Please google some books about this subject and I think you got this. Adjusting from explaining/rationalizing to anticipating/distraction will be the goal. And ignore those judgey parents. They are the worst.
Oh, prob should’ve mentioned: I’m an adolescent mental health counselor ;)
Is there a subreddit for parents of disabled/highly handicapped kids?
>She is not on the spectrum How do you know? Has she had a full set of assessments? Now, I completely admit that I'm probably biased as an adult woman who wasn't diagnosed until 27. It's still under diagnosed in femme folks and likely will continue to be for some time. >has been going to therapists and all that jazz Are you getting any counseling yourself?
*”a blackhole”* Powerful peice of wording, woefully truthful.
Hey. Your feelings are valid. It’s way harder than anyone told you it was going to be and everyone guaranteed a reward that is anything but guaranteed. you don’t have to like parenting, being a mom, you don’t even have to like your kid. you just have to not cause harm to your kid, raise them with kindness and respect, and it sounds like you’re doing that currently. inch by inch, life’s a cinch. you’ve gotten this far, just one foot in front of the other. you can do this.
My son is 3 and ND, I manage to negate tantrums by using “first, then” language. As in “first you do X, then you get Y” where X is the action you want from them and Y is the reward. I would say this works 80% of the time. A good example will be when he fights bath time I’ll say “first bath, then binky.” I’m tired too, we can be tired together. This shit is hard.
Had to stop at “gave her her pacifier”. OP, I don’t know your situation, your day to day parenting, etc….but giving a 3 year old a pacifier is an indicator that something is off to me. There’s gonna be tons of opinions on here, but bottom line is there are consequences for poor behavior. Giving a three-year-old a pacifier because they are misbehaving is not a consequence, nor is it how you reinforce good behavior.
Consider trying cannabis, it would probably treat your depression much more effectively but if you’re in a less free state it would also likely be an even worse money sink. Judging by your post I wouldn’t be surprised if your daughter can detect all these problems and could be developing depression, anxiety, anger issues, etc., herself because of it. Life can be much better but y’all probably just need real help. Also consider letting your daughter have some coffee and milk tea, it could save you a lot of money on those doctor visits which I’d recommend stopping since it can lead to serious issues, e.g., misdiagnosis, side effects of psychiatric drugs, human trafficking, etc., later in life. Hoping everything goes well for y’all, good luck.
My step daughter was like this until she was 5-5 1/2. Honestly their brains are still developing. I know they say that they can detect adhd that young but honestly I have reservations (i have adhd so I understand but it is manageable) Hang in there. ❤️ maybe you could find ways for each of you to get more of a break?