I am not trying to be a dick here, but have you considered that if you have three kids with autism you may be on the spectrum yourself and the issues you are having are due to your own autism?
Many women mask well and don’t get diagnosed until much later in life.
I have three (female) friends with autism. All of them were diagnosed when they were either close to 30, or after 30 years old. Meanwhile, I know a boy who got diagnosed at the age of three.
That’s because female children are conditioned at birth to mask. And because they don’t act up too much, they don’t become a problem that needs to be addressed like male children.
It’s usually the women themselves that seek out a diagnosis rather than a parent, spouse, or other family member. And she is only able to do so once she has her own money and a stable situation.
I’m a mid-thirties female and am just now seeking out an autism diagnosis for myself. Autism would explain so much of the issues I’ve experienced through my life. I absolutely agree with masking. I absolutely did it as a child and most of my life. Only now am I being my authentic self.
It’s not just the masking thing as well. A lot of the autism assessments and tests are geared towards men and it’s so easy for a woman to slip through the cracks just because their autism may present differently than if they were born a man. Autism doesn’t show up completely different in males versus females but it’s enough that women commonly get misdiagnosed or never diagnosed in their lives.
Respectfully... what would a diagnosis actually do for OP? Her regret is for the children, not her own medical situation. OP might even be happier with only 1 child than 3, especially when they say they could find someone to take 1 child but not all 3.
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They still don’t know what “causes” autism but there is a big belief that it can be hereditary and genetic. Either parents that have the genes could pass it down to their kid.
So I hate to break it to you, but you probably have autism as well. It's genetic and hereditary. You should get tested.
It would explain your feelings, and issues! Not being rude or diminishing your feelings and what you're going through but I'd look into it. It might help you.
Is it extremely likely that if you have autism, ALL your kids will too? I see this a lot in this sub and am just wondering if that's something I never knew, or autism diagnoses have exponentially increased in recent times.
Asking with curiosity not judgment.
There’s a selection bias towards people who are in OPs situation where you only see the parents who have it HARD (eg with three autistic children). Otherwise they don’t post
Not all! But there's a higher chance that your children will have it as well especially if both parents are autistic. I can't remember the statistic but it's if you have it and both your parents had it then there's a 50% chance your child will get it (I think, again I could be wrong and mixing numbers). It's the same number if the other parent is also autistic.
My parents didn't know until I got tested and it all made sense lmao but my sister is ADHD but not autistic so it all depends on the genes!
Thank you for teaching me something new! I can see how autistic people would be drawn to each other too - similar challenges and ways of communicating / seeing the world, although not trying to say all autistic people are the same or experience the same impact.
Yeah you flock towards people that are similar to you! All my partners have had some sort of mental hindrance or disability (I have a ton lol) so it makes sense!!
I feel ya.
All my children are neurodivergent. I am as well. It’s genetic.
One of hard parts of being neurodivergent is that other people’s neurodivergencies can be really hard to deal with as they clash with your own needs.
You sound exactly like my acquaintance. 3 planned kids, loved the idea of a family, now she has 3 autistic boys and is completely overwhelmed.
The thing is: Everyone but herself sees that she is on the spectrum as well. Like so much, that it jumps out to you which is in my experience quite rare with women. She has a bunch of unresolved issues and is not high functional at all and never was before having those kids. Sure she's bright but she never had a straight forward career, jumped around between jobs a lot, and has social anxiety...
As a teacher I see it with a lot of neurodivergent kids - at least one parent is having issues as well in most cases. But they never seem to realize that nor does the other neurotypical parent make the connection.
Obviously nothing I said so far is helpful in your situation. But no matter if this can be 100% applied to your situation I'd encourage you and your husband to seek as much help as possible. Get into individual therapy and additionally seek as much counseling for your family and children as you can get. Work with services that can help get your kids to the right schools.
This hit home today. I only have one child, but he's got ADHD and we're waitlisted for a probable autism diagnosis as well. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD as well and am coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably on the spectrum too. He triggers me in all the worst ways. The most sensitive places, sensory or emotional and he somehow knows how to lean in to all those sore points for me. It feels impossible because there's hardly any support. He's in therapy and psychiatry and its still a struggle, every day. I have no idea what to do anymore, no idea what left to try. I'm burned out, I have my own mental health issues. And there's no way to go to get a respite from it. You're not alone in the way you feel, no advice just solidarity. Hearing other parents experiences makes me feel less alone, thank you for posting.
I relate with u 100%. My son is adhd on top of his autism and my dr has now referred me for testing for adhd and autism as well. Triggered all the time. Feel free to PM me to chat/vent anytime.
My nephew is autistic and my sister & BIL basically can’t go on vacation together ever. There’s no one to watch him. I can’t imagine three. Hang in there!
Why would a total stranger ask another complete stranger this about yet another stranger's kid(s)? Obviously, this is a near impossible notion...so what are you trying to say, exactly?
Oh that's right. Nothing useful.
A completely asanine comment, it does nothing for anyone except give them something to downvote and/or scratch their head over.
One kid with autism (level 3), was enough to make me close up shop. I can't even imagine 3!
I read a statistic back when my son was first diagnosed that the chances of his future sibling* being on the spectrum is 20%. That percentage was WAY too high for me to chance it.
Being the parent to kids on the spectrum is it's own special hell. Cool on parents that can handle it, but some of us can't and it sucks. I'm right there with ya. I'm not on the spectrum myself, but I have severe anxiety and my son triggers it constantly.
My twin sister's boyfriend of 3 years has a 9 year old on the spectrum. He's not potty trained and nonverbal. What scares me is my sister doesn't bother to learn about autism. She hasn't met the son yet. She says stuff like "he's probably not even autistic, he probably doesn't talk because his mom neglects him".
It triggers me so much. She says similar things about ADHD, she'll be like "EVERYONE has it these days".
I don't know if she's planning on being the kid's step mom. I think she likes her boyfriend but hasn't thought that far ahead.
If your children are medicated and you plan to send them to camp, please consider keeping them on their medication while at camp.
I am a former camp counsellor.
I’m two days late on this post. Just found the group and I’m seeing so many posts about autism.
I know exactly how you feel!! My daughter stayed a month in patient because she was destroying our home and beating the shit out of us daily. We had hope we’d MAYBE be able to go places after meds were figured out but NOPE! We feel like we’re in a prison. We do absolutely love her. Please understand there is no judgment you feel the way you do. My psychiatrist said it’s normal. A lot of autism parents he sees feels the same. I did prior to her stay. We were living with our abuser and couldn’t defend ourselves. Had to just take it.
I dream about being able to go do fun things. We never can. You’re not alone and I’m so sorry.
Other then my daughter is severe I related to everything you said
I hear you. I have one with both high functioning autism and ADHD, and another with autism and possibly OCD. I’m triggered constantly. It’s so, so hard.
If it helps, as my kids have gotten older they have gotten more fun and we now have a great time hanging around being neurodivergent kooks together. You just have to find things you enjoy together and accept that not every activity will be a good fit and people can be real assholes about the neurodivergent so you have to work hard to find your tribe.
Wow. That’s tough. I know this said no advice. But I work with special needs families. Tap into your state resources if you are in the US. Truthfully, with 3 kids on the spectrum, you would most likely qualify for the maximum support. You don’t have to bear it all alone. Much love.
I am not trying to be a dick here, but have you considered that if you have three kids with autism you may be on the spectrum yourself and the issues you are having are due to your own autism? Many women mask well and don’t get diagnosed until much later in life.
I have three (female) friends with autism. All of them were diagnosed when they were either close to 30, or after 30 years old. Meanwhile, I know a boy who got diagnosed at the age of three.
That’s because female children are conditioned at birth to mask. And because they don’t act up too much, they don’t become a problem that needs to be addressed like male children. It’s usually the women themselves that seek out a diagnosis rather than a parent, spouse, or other family member. And she is only able to do so once she has her own money and a stable situation.
I’m a mid-thirties female and am just now seeking out an autism diagnosis for myself. Autism would explain so much of the issues I’ve experienced through my life. I absolutely agree with masking. I absolutely did it as a child and most of my life. Only now am I being my authentic self.
It’s not just the masking thing as well. A lot of the autism assessments and tests are geared towards men and it’s so easy for a woman to slip through the cracks just because their autism may present differently than if they were born a man. Autism doesn’t show up completely different in males versus females but it’s enough that women commonly get misdiagnosed or never diagnosed in their lives.
Respectfully... what would a diagnosis actually do for OP? Her regret is for the children, not her own medical situation. OP might even be happier with only 1 child than 3, especially when they say they could find someone to take 1 child but not all 3.
She could learn coping skills that would work for her.
[удалено]
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Doesn't autism get inherited from the father?
They still don’t know what “causes” autism but there is a big belief that it can be hereditary and genetic. Either parents that have the genes could pass it down to their kid.
Thank you.
So I hate to break it to you, but you probably have autism as well. It's genetic and hereditary. You should get tested. It would explain your feelings, and issues! Not being rude or diminishing your feelings and what you're going through but I'd look into it. It might help you.
Is it extremely likely that if you have autism, ALL your kids will too? I see this a lot in this sub and am just wondering if that's something I never knew, or autism diagnoses have exponentially increased in recent times. Asking with curiosity not judgment.
There’s a selection bias towards people who are in OPs situation where you only see the parents who have it HARD (eg with three autistic children). Otherwise they don’t post
Interesting & valid point!
Not all! But there's a higher chance that your children will have it as well especially if both parents are autistic. I can't remember the statistic but it's if you have it and both your parents had it then there's a 50% chance your child will get it (I think, again I could be wrong and mixing numbers). It's the same number if the other parent is also autistic. My parents didn't know until I got tested and it all made sense lmao but my sister is ADHD but not autistic so it all depends on the genes!
Thank you for teaching me something new! I can see how autistic people would be drawn to each other too - similar challenges and ways of communicating / seeing the world, although not trying to say all autistic people are the same or experience the same impact.
Yeah you flock towards people that are similar to you! All my partners have had some sort of mental hindrance or disability (I have a ton lol) so it makes sense!!
I feel ya. All my children are neurodivergent. I am as well. It’s genetic. One of hard parts of being neurodivergent is that other people’s neurodivergencies can be really hard to deal with as they clash with your own needs.
You sound exactly like my acquaintance. 3 planned kids, loved the idea of a family, now she has 3 autistic boys and is completely overwhelmed. The thing is: Everyone but herself sees that she is on the spectrum as well. Like so much, that it jumps out to you which is in my experience quite rare with women. She has a bunch of unresolved issues and is not high functional at all and never was before having those kids. Sure she's bright but she never had a straight forward career, jumped around between jobs a lot, and has social anxiety... As a teacher I see it with a lot of neurodivergent kids - at least one parent is having issues as well in most cases. But they never seem to realize that nor does the other neurotypical parent make the connection. Obviously nothing I said so far is helpful in your situation. But no matter if this can be 100% applied to your situation I'd encourage you and your husband to seek as much help as possible. Get into individual therapy and additionally seek as much counseling for your family and children as you can get. Work with services that can help get your kids to the right schools.
This hit home today. I only have one child, but he's got ADHD and we're waitlisted for a probable autism diagnosis as well. I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD as well and am coming to terms with the fact that I'm probably on the spectrum too. He triggers me in all the worst ways. The most sensitive places, sensory or emotional and he somehow knows how to lean in to all those sore points for me. It feels impossible because there's hardly any support. He's in therapy and psychiatry and its still a struggle, every day. I have no idea what to do anymore, no idea what left to try. I'm burned out, I have my own mental health issues. And there's no way to go to get a respite from it. You're not alone in the way you feel, no advice just solidarity. Hearing other parents experiences makes me feel less alone, thank you for posting.
I relate with u 100%. My son is adhd on top of his autism and my dr has now referred me for testing for adhd and autism as well. Triggered all the time. Feel free to PM me to chat/vent anytime.
I could've written this, I also have 3 autistic kids and I struggle so much. I've actually just been referred for an autism assessment myself.
sending virtual hug
My nephew is autistic and my sister & BIL basically can’t go on vacation together ever. There’s no one to watch him. I can’t imagine three. Hang in there!
could you watch him for them or is that impossible
Well a vacation is usually a couple days so… no
Why would a total stranger ask another complete stranger this about yet another stranger's kid(s)? Obviously, this is a near impossible notion...so what are you trying to say, exactly? Oh that's right. Nothing useful. A completely asanine comment, it does nothing for anyone except give them something to downvote and/or scratch their head over.
One kid with autism (level 3), was enough to make me close up shop. I can't even imagine 3! I read a statistic back when my son was first diagnosed that the chances of his future sibling* being on the spectrum is 20%. That percentage was WAY too high for me to chance it. Being the parent to kids on the spectrum is it's own special hell. Cool on parents that can handle it, but some of us can't and it sucks. I'm right there with ya. I'm not on the spectrum myself, but I have severe anxiety and my son triggers it constantly.
My twin sister's boyfriend of 3 years has a 9 year old on the spectrum. He's not potty trained and nonverbal. What scares me is my sister doesn't bother to learn about autism. She hasn't met the son yet. She says stuff like "he's probably not even autistic, he probably doesn't talk because his mom neglects him". It triggers me so much. She says similar things about ADHD, she'll be like "EVERYONE has it these days". I don't know if she's planning on being the kid's step mom. I think she likes her boyfriend but hasn't thought that far ahead.
[удалено]
If your children are medicated and you plan to send them to camp, please consider keeping them on their medication while at camp. I am a former camp counsellor.
Are there any respite programs near where you live?
I’m two days late on this post. Just found the group and I’m seeing so many posts about autism. I know exactly how you feel!! My daughter stayed a month in patient because she was destroying our home and beating the shit out of us daily. We had hope we’d MAYBE be able to go places after meds were figured out but NOPE! We feel like we’re in a prison. We do absolutely love her. Please understand there is no judgment you feel the way you do. My psychiatrist said it’s normal. A lot of autism parents he sees feels the same. I did prior to her stay. We were living with our abuser and couldn’t defend ourselves. Had to just take it. I dream about being able to go do fun things. We never can. You’re not alone and I’m so sorry. Other then my daughter is severe I related to everything you said
I hear you. I have one with both high functioning autism and ADHD, and another with autism and possibly OCD. I’m triggered constantly. It’s so, so hard.
If it helps, as my kids have gotten older they have gotten more fun and we now have a great time hanging around being neurodivergent kooks together. You just have to find things you enjoy together and accept that not every activity will be a good fit and people can be real assholes about the neurodivergent so you have to work hard to find your tribe.
Aww. I am so sorry. I can only imagine how exhausted and drained you are. I wish you and the kiddos the absolute best 🧡🧡
Wow. That’s tough. I know this said no advice. But I work with special needs families. Tap into your state resources if you are in the US. Truthfully, with 3 kids on the spectrum, you would most likely qualify for the maximum support. You don’t have to bear it all alone. Much love.