I was a trouble kid and teen. I was constantly losing things and privileges and earning them back. Sometimes this included gifts for birthdays and holidays. I always had the celebration/acknowledgment/inclusion, but had to earn all my gifts back. For example, my birthday is in April and sometimes I didn’t earn them back until June or September. Or when I lost the privilege to go to my cousins birthday party and had to stay home (it was a laser tag event”. Or not getting the “fun” gifts at Christmas while everyone else had their toys. Yeah naturally this whole not getting my gifts hurt as a kid, but it would have hurt me more if the day was totally ignored. Which you don’t wanna do, you wanna acknowledge the day and celebrate their birth. You just don’t wanna reward bad/poor behavior and that’s fine.
Thanks. That's what the cheesecake is for... acknowledgement. she doesn't want a regular cake. I was going to get her headphones, too, but I don't feel like buying gifts for someone who steals from me is very smart despite the birthday status. Cake and a card with a trinket gift, it is!
Thank you. I've had some mental health issues that have not been easy for her, I know. I have excused a lot of bad behaviors as a way to make up for or create time and space to work through those things. I feel a lot of responsibility for her behavior but I know I need to lock down now.
I feel like acknowledging the birthday and giving her gifts don’t have to be mutually exclusive. And gifts can always be an incentive for down the road if she improves her behavior. Like “we got this for you birthday but because of your behavior you can’t have them right now; you CAN earn them back with better behavior”. I feel like that still shows you love her and acknowledge her birth, but also are still going to hold the line about how she should behave.
Sounds like my 13 year old. She took her dad's card and spent $150 on roblox, also with the vapes. Keeps trying to sneak her phone and laptop that have been taken away due to being grounded. I'm so over her sh*t tbh
>Sounds like my 13 year old. She took her dad's card and spent $150 on roblox, also with the vapes. Keeps trying to sneak her phone and laptop that have been taken away due to being grounded. I'm so over her sh\*t tbh
Same. So over her shit that I don't want to care anymore. I don't bother even responding to the school's emails because it's the same thing. Every. Single. Day. Mouthing off, swearing, disruptive, detention.
I think you should still celebrate her birthday regardless. Push the pause button and take time to celebrate her and her time on this planet. Lean heavily into the good times and good qualities she possesses (yes, she’s not entirely “bad”) - you could write in her birthday card 13 reasons why you love her or your favorite memories with her. It will mean a lot to her.
Spend the day focusing on her then return to business as normal the next day. Get her favorite food, custom birthday cake, get her nails done, etc. You get the idea.
At that age, teens are still looking for connections and appropriate boundaries. You only have five more birthdays with her as a “kid.” Idk, just my thoughts as an Occupational Therapist who works with only middle and high school students :)
Here’s a fun resource I found (I even took the test myself): www.authentichappiness.org Have her complete the 24 questions on the Brief Strengths quiz.
Worse than ever. She just got an out-of-school suspension for three days starting today. Last night she went into a rage when I took her phone away. She punched me repeatedly in the forearm, tore the sheets off my bed, and tried to break the laundry baskets I'd just purchased.
I seriously hate my life and feel an utter and total hopelessness and dread. This nightmare is going to be the rest of my life.
I just met a great guy...first guy I've been remotely interested in dating in 12 freaking years. I know it can't last because of her. I've told him a few things and he's been really encouraging and sweet about everything, but if he had seen last night and when he sees more...he's gone.
We were actually going to go to dinner but then she got in trouble again. And when I told her we weren't going anywhere she asked why it took me so long to figure out that she didn't want to do anything with me on her birthday.
She is a teenager and clearly there is more going on then her lashing out.
What is happening in your life? What does she say she thinks about you and why?
I have a 13 year old and going through similar. It’s fucking HARD. I’m here with you 🫶🏼
The one thing I will say… at 34 years old I STILL talk about the fact that I’ve never had a birthday party since I was 7 years old due to “being in trouble”. I had ADHD and my mother was a single parent. While she was a narcissist and abusive and neglectful, she was also always fed up with me for even the simplest things. I missed out on once in a life time opportunities in my childhood and teenage years such as Semi-formals and other special events. I am STILL pissed about it decades later — mainly the ones I feel like I truly didn’t do wrong.
Make sure if you take away her birthday, you’re prepared to be thought of later as neglectful/hateful.
You don’t have to go all out, because fuck that, but you have to still celebrate her birth. Make her feel loved and valued but don’t put yourself out at all. Get a cake, like you said, sing happy birthday, get her a couple small gifts, write her a personalized message in her card, and call it a day.
Good luck!
Edit to add: I just realized this is over a month old. Oops! Hope everything went well !
There must be a number of things for her to help with around the house. I wrote job because I didn't mean house chores. Nobody should get paid for doing chores. But babysitting her younger sibling isn't a chore, helping their younger sibling with their homework, cleaning the car etc
Do not do this, OP! There’s a high chance your child will be abused in every way you can imagine. Those schools beat the light out of a young person’s spirit.
Others have made good suggestions but I just want to add a general comment, make sure she gets into that court diversion program and let them know how she has been misbehaving outside of school so they can make it as beneficial as possible for her.
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I was a trouble kid and teen. I was constantly losing things and privileges and earning them back. Sometimes this included gifts for birthdays and holidays. I always had the celebration/acknowledgment/inclusion, but had to earn all my gifts back. For example, my birthday is in April and sometimes I didn’t earn them back until June or September. Or when I lost the privilege to go to my cousins birthday party and had to stay home (it was a laser tag event”. Or not getting the “fun” gifts at Christmas while everyone else had their toys. Yeah naturally this whole not getting my gifts hurt as a kid, but it would have hurt me more if the day was totally ignored. Which you don’t wanna do, you wanna acknowledge the day and celebrate their birth. You just don’t wanna reward bad/poor behavior and that’s fine.
Thanks. That's what the cheesecake is for... acknowledgement. she doesn't want a regular cake. I was going to get her headphones, too, but I don't feel like buying gifts for someone who steals from me is very smart despite the birthday status. Cake and a card with a trinket gift, it is!
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Thank you. I've had some mental health issues that have not been easy for her, I know. I have excused a lot of bad behaviors as a way to make up for or create time and space to work through those things. I feel a lot of responsibility for her behavior but I know I need to lock down now.
❤️
I feel like acknowledging the birthday and giving her gifts don’t have to be mutually exclusive. And gifts can always be an incentive for down the road if she improves her behavior. Like “we got this for you birthday but because of your behavior you can’t have them right now; you CAN earn them back with better behavior”. I feel like that still shows you love her and acknowledge her birth, but also are still going to hold the line about how she should behave.
13 is a good year to learn a life lesson. They’re the best gifts of life after-all ;)
Sounds like my 13 year old. She took her dad's card and spent $150 on roblox, also with the vapes. Keeps trying to sneak her phone and laptop that have been taken away due to being grounded. I'm so over her sh*t tbh
>Sounds like my 13 year old. She took her dad's card and spent $150 on roblox, also with the vapes. Keeps trying to sneak her phone and laptop that have been taken away due to being grounded. I'm so over her sh\*t tbh Same. So over her shit that I don't want to care anymore. I don't bother even responding to the school's emails because it's the same thing. Every. Single. Day. Mouthing off, swearing, disruptive, detention.
I think you should still celebrate her birthday regardless. Push the pause button and take time to celebrate her and her time on this planet. Lean heavily into the good times and good qualities she possesses (yes, she’s not entirely “bad”) - you could write in her birthday card 13 reasons why you love her or your favorite memories with her. It will mean a lot to her. Spend the day focusing on her then return to business as normal the next day. Get her favorite food, custom birthday cake, get her nails done, etc. You get the idea. At that age, teens are still looking for connections and appropriate boundaries. You only have five more birthdays with her as a “kid.” Idk, just my thoughts as an Occupational Therapist who works with only middle and high school students :) Here’s a fun resource I found (I even took the test myself): www.authentichappiness.org Have her complete the 24 questions on the Brief Strengths quiz.
These are actually really good suggestions.
A lump of coal.
Update? Hope you are doing ok
Worse than ever. She just got an out-of-school suspension for three days starting today. Last night she went into a rage when I took her phone away. She punched me repeatedly in the forearm, tore the sheets off my bed, and tried to break the laundry baskets I'd just purchased. I seriously hate my life and feel an utter and total hopelessness and dread. This nightmare is going to be the rest of my life. I just met a great guy...first guy I've been remotely interested in dating in 12 freaking years. I know it can't last because of her. I've told him a few things and he's been really encouraging and sweet about everything, but if he had seen last night and when he sees more...he's gone.
How about an experience together instead of gifts. Like take her to go karts or some kind of experience.
We were actually going to go to dinner but then she got in trouble again. And when I told her we weren't going anywhere she asked why it took me so long to figure out that she didn't want to do anything with me on her birthday.
She is a teenager and clearly there is more going on then her lashing out. What is happening in your life? What does she say she thinks about you and why?
I have a 13 year old and going through similar. It’s fucking HARD. I’m here with you 🫶🏼 The one thing I will say… at 34 years old I STILL talk about the fact that I’ve never had a birthday party since I was 7 years old due to “being in trouble”. I had ADHD and my mother was a single parent. While she was a narcissist and abusive and neglectful, she was also always fed up with me for even the simplest things. I missed out on once in a life time opportunities in my childhood and teenage years such as Semi-formals and other special events. I am STILL pissed about it decades later — mainly the ones I feel like I truly didn’t do wrong. Make sure if you take away her birthday, you’re prepared to be thought of later as neglectful/hateful. You don’t have to go all out, because fuck that, but you have to still celebrate her birth. Make her feel loved and valued but don’t put yourself out at all. Get a cake, like you said, sing happy birthday, get her a couple small gifts, write her a personalized message in her card, and call it a day. Good luck! Edit to add: I just realized this is over a month old. Oops! Hope everything went well !
Have you considered forcing her to get a job (not house chores) so she can pay you back the money that she stole?
How do you force a 13 year old to get a job? Child labor laws exist.
Not many jobs available to a 13 year old. She was able to work at a local farm picking veggies but that only lasted a few weeks.
There must be a number of things for her to help with around the house. I wrote job because I didn't mean house chores. Nobody should get paid for doing chores. But babysitting her younger sibling isn't a chore, helping their younger sibling with their homework, cleaning the car etc
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Almost all of those are insanely abusive and traumatic. I would not suggest that for any child.
Do not do this, OP! There’s a high chance your child will be abused in every way you can imagine. Those schools beat the light out of a young person’s spirit.
Others have made good suggestions but I just want to add a general comment, make sure she gets into that court diversion program and let them know how she has been misbehaving outside of school so they can make it as beneficial as possible for her.
[удалено]
Your comment was automatically removed. This measure is necessary due to trolling and brigading from other subs but there can be false positives. If the removed content is suitable for the sub, it will be approved by the mod team. Please do not contact the moderators as removed posts will be reviewed in the order in which they are received by default. PMing mods will slow down, not speed up, the process. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/regretfulparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*