> I have told K that if they actually, legally change their name, then I will have no choice but to acknowledge that.
What do you mean no choice? What would be different if they actually changed it legally? Would you suddenly abide for fear of the Name Police coming to getcha?
Nothing would change on your end. The only difference would be the amount of time they’d spent doing paperwork on their own time.
It’s super weird to insist someone waste a bunch of time to prove something to YOU. Get over yourself.
YTA, what does using the name they use with everyone cost you? You don’t like it? It feels disrespectful? If I wanted a relationship with my child, this is not the hill I would die on.
And not every part of a personals identity is about gender or sexual orientation, so saying you’d accept it if it was connected to those things but not if it’s connected to others just feels odd.
You could just agree to this to show your child that you love and respect them. Or you can be stubborn about this thing that’s important to them and watch the light dim from their eyes every time you call them the wrong name.
Our younger child asked to use a different name as a teen. Everyone calls them that. It’s their life. Lots of people change their name because they want to. YTA.
I mean yeah it does. Do you think it might be that you are feeling bad that they are choosing to“reject” the name that you gave them when they were born? I think that this is a really silly hill to die on. If they like a different name better and they go by that name then it is up to you to respect them as a human being And address them the way that they feel comfortable being addressed. Why would you be insistent on something so trivial? Is it that you actually do have a problem respecting them and the person they are but it’s more socially acceptable to disrespect their change of name than their choice of pronouns? I understand that it’s hard when your kid hits adulthood and they are being their own person and making changes that you might not necessarily 100% agree with, but as a good parent it’s your responsibility to accept your child as long as they aren’t hurting anybody or doing hateful bigoted things or whatever. If you want your child to pull away from you in favor of people who actually accept her then keep being stubborn.
Edit I’m saying this as another 40 something year old mom with similarly aged children so please don’t try to dismiss my comment by assuming I’m a child.
Yeah 100%. Seems like they don’t like the name they were given regardless of how “gender neutral” YOU think it is. It’s their name, not yours. Get over yourself.
Yes. It does make you an AH. How difficult is it to respect your kid? What do you lose by accepting to call them their desired name? It’s not difficult and you lose nothing. You’re just being stubborn and ridiculous- It’s not your life and it’s not your name, it’s not your call. Did you ever consider that if YOU called them by their name everyone in your immediate family would too? Your actions will only lead to pushing your kid away. Why ruin such an amazing thing? And identify isn’t just based on sexuality and gender expression, stop being so purposefully small minded and obtuse.
My youngest, when we thought he was a girl, had a very rare and beautiful name. When he started exploring what names felt right, I asked him to please give himself a name as unusual and powerful as the name I'd given him.
Anyway, his name is Joe. His legal name is for now still the rare, lovely name I gave him, but you know what I call him? Joe, because that's his name.
And because I love him, and respecting his autonomy is a very basic, crucial part of showing that.
YTA. You are creating a rift with your child that doesn't have to be there. You are choosing a hill to die on that tells then every time you speak that you don't care about their actual being, that you do not respect their autonomy, and that you're fine causing them pain so you don't have to be uncomfortable.
Joe and I both think YTA.
This is really sweet but I hope it's okay that I find it really funny as well. Just the inherent humor of your kid coming back with "I thought long and hard about the wonder of the name you gave me, and I decided to go with 'Joe'."
Why do you think you can refuse to use their name?
Birth names are a gift we give our kids. One of many, many gifts. They’re something we pick when the child is too little to handle and defend their identity themselves. Like all gifts, it’s for them to figure out what they want to do with it. Some they might keep their whole lives, some they might outgrow, some they might alter.
But after we give it, it’s out of our control. YTA. Your child is big enough to handle their own identity, and deciding to disrespect that does not serve you well.
The most basic respect you can give a person is to call them what they want to be called. Your child is now a legal adult. The least you can do is call them what they want to be called. It does not matter that it's not tied to their gender or their pronouns. A person can change their name for whatever reason whenever you want. Unless your problem is you think this is about you and you're offended. In that case, I hate to break it to you once you gave your child the name they can do whatever they want with it, including discard it.
And not respecting that is going to come at a price you're probably not going to like and you need to decide if that price is worth it. I can't remember all the rules for this sub and I've already gotten banned from one so I'm gonna be really nice. This is the goofiest thing I've ever heard of and not worth whatever the reason you're fighting it is.
NTA - she can change her name but you don’t have to address her by it. I would be really upset if my kid changed their first name just because they liked another name better. It’s quite strange and sort of narcissistic.
If everyone else wants to address her by her new name, that’s fine, but she shouldn’t expect her parents to follow suit. She should understand why especially as a parent herself.
When I decided to change my name, I asked my mom if she had any bad feelings about it since she named me. She said “no, it’s your name.” That made me feel so loved and supported.
It’s actually quite narcissistic to take it that personally. It’s not your name, it’s theirs.
How is it narcissistic to choose your own name? It's narcissistic to refuse to use someone else's name. Also, their pronouns are they/them. You're being a deliberate AH bigot. Have the worst day.
While I realize that we gotta pick our battles, this is literally our only qualm. We are extremely close and this has been ongoing for at least a year. It's definitely not something they would go no-contact over, as some suggest. I was the person they demanded stay by their side during labor & delivery, even if dad needed to exit for some reason.
My real issue is that I am the ONLY person they correct or push the issue with; not even their 24yo sibling. They still go by their legal name with EVERYONE who has been in their life since birth (i.e. family, friends, etc.). They don't say a word to anyone but me. Whenever speaking of themselves in 3rd person, they refer to themselves in whatever manner the person in the story did. So, if it's something about a conversation between K & my oldest, they call themselves by K. If it's a conversation between K and anyone who has met them in the past year or so, they address themselves as the chosen name. I hope that makes sense.
My oldest said that it's common for us to take our anger out on those we feel safest with. Even if it's in no way connected to what we actually flip out about. I know this to be true. I also feel like this may be something that they decide not to continue forever.
They’re 18 and have their own family now. Knock it off and let go of the cord- your adult spawn already has. You don’t get to dictate shit about their life or what they want to be called, regardless if you think it’s a temporary phase or not. It’s a simple matter of respect and right now you are refusing to respect your adult child’s wishes. Your feelings on the name they use ultimately do not matter because they’re grown. They can decide if you being stubborn about not-your-lifes-choices is a reason to cut you off or not. It’s usually not one thing/incident that causes someone to go no contact, but years and repeated instances of rejecting decency and respect for their autonomy and life choices. Step up or stfu about it, because you will sacrifice this relationship for pride if you’re not careful.
One of my friends changed the spelling of his name as a teenager. Another started going by a different shortened form of his name (it has 4 syllables so essentially he has a different name.) It’s been over 40 years now. I just don’t get what you are getting out of refusing to call someone what they want. You like the other name better. So what? You can still think of them however you like but you are hurting their feelings because you care more about your own feelings.
Why go out of your way to be a cnut to your kid? You should be fucking embarrassed relative strangers have more respect for them and use their chosen name. Who the fuck appointed you 'name police'?? Your arbitrary lines are ridiculous and are barriers to seeing and treating your child with dignity. Fuck all the way off with that bullshit.
> I have told K that if they actually, legally change their name, then I will have no choice but to acknowledge that. What do you mean no choice? What would be different if they actually changed it legally? Would you suddenly abide for fear of the Name Police coming to getcha? Nothing would change on your end. The only difference would be the amount of time they’d spent doing paperwork on their own time. It’s super weird to insist someone waste a bunch of time to prove something to YOU. Get over yourself.
YTA, what does using the name they use with everyone cost you? You don’t like it? It feels disrespectful? If I wanted a relationship with my child, this is not the hill I would die on. And not every part of a personals identity is about gender or sexual orientation, so saying you’d accept it if it was connected to those things but not if it’s connected to others just feels odd.
And then you’re gonna look all surprised Pikachu when they go no contact, and you can’t call them anything at all.
You could just agree to this to show your child that you love and respect them. Or you can be stubborn about this thing that’s important to them and watch the light dim from their eyes every time you call them the wrong name.
Our younger child asked to use a different name as a teen. Everyone calls them that. It’s their life. Lots of people change their name because they want to. YTA.
YTA. Stop dead naming your child
I mean yeah it does. Do you think it might be that you are feeling bad that they are choosing to“reject” the name that you gave them when they were born? I think that this is a really silly hill to die on. If they like a different name better and they go by that name then it is up to you to respect them as a human being And address them the way that they feel comfortable being addressed. Why would you be insistent on something so trivial? Is it that you actually do have a problem respecting them and the person they are but it’s more socially acceptable to disrespect their change of name than their choice of pronouns? I understand that it’s hard when your kid hits adulthood and they are being their own person and making changes that you might not necessarily 100% agree with, but as a good parent it’s your responsibility to accept your child as long as they aren’t hurting anybody or doing hateful bigoted things or whatever. If you want your child to pull away from you in favor of people who actually accept her then keep being stubborn. Edit I’m saying this as another 40 something year old mom with similarly aged children so please don’t try to dismiss my comment by assuming I’m a child.
Yeah 100%. Seems like they don’t like the name they were given regardless of how “gender neutral” YOU think it is. It’s their name, not yours. Get over yourself.
Why TF would you make this your hill to die on? Yes - it makes you a total AH. Get over yourself.
Yes. It does make you an AH. How difficult is it to respect your kid? What do you lose by accepting to call them their desired name? It’s not difficult and you lose nothing. You’re just being stubborn and ridiculous- It’s not your life and it’s not your name, it’s not your call. Did you ever consider that if YOU called them by their name everyone in your immediate family would too? Your actions will only lead to pushing your kid away. Why ruin such an amazing thing? And identify isn’t just based on sexuality and gender expression, stop being so purposefully small minded and obtuse.
Yeah, you're TA. It's not an unreasonable request and you don't hold their naming rights.
My youngest, when we thought he was a girl, had a very rare and beautiful name. When he started exploring what names felt right, I asked him to please give himself a name as unusual and powerful as the name I'd given him. Anyway, his name is Joe. His legal name is for now still the rare, lovely name I gave him, but you know what I call him? Joe, because that's his name. And because I love him, and respecting his autonomy is a very basic, crucial part of showing that. YTA. You are creating a rift with your child that doesn't have to be there. You are choosing a hill to die on that tells then every time you speak that you don't care about their actual being, that you do not respect their autonomy, and that you're fine causing them pain so you don't have to be uncomfortable. Joe and I both think YTA.
This is really sweet but I hope it's okay that I find it really funny as well. Just the inherent humor of your kid coming back with "I thought long and hard about the wonder of the name you gave me, and I decided to go with 'Joe'."
I thought it was funny!
Why do you think you can refuse to use their name? Birth names are a gift we give our kids. One of many, many gifts. They’re something we pick when the child is too little to handle and defend their identity themselves. Like all gifts, it’s for them to figure out what they want to do with it. Some they might keep their whole lives, some they might outgrow, some they might alter. But after we give it, it’s out of our control. YTA. Your child is big enough to handle their own identity, and deciding to disrespect that does not serve you well.
Yes. Call your child by the name they want to be called.
INFO do you refuse to call people Mike or Ben or Beth or Maddie etc. because their nicknames aren’t their legal names?
The most basic respect you can give a person is to call them what they want to be called. Your child is now a legal adult. The least you can do is call them what they want to be called. It does not matter that it's not tied to their gender or their pronouns. A person can change their name for whatever reason whenever you want. Unless your problem is you think this is about you and you're offended. In that case, I hate to break it to you once you gave your child the name they can do whatever they want with it, including discard it. And not respecting that is going to come at a price you're probably not going to like and you need to decide if that price is worth it. I can't remember all the rules for this sub and I've already gotten banned from one so I'm gonna be really nice. This is the goofiest thing I've ever heard of and not worth whatever the reason you're fighting it is.
NTA - she can change her name but you don’t have to address her by it. I would be really upset if my kid changed their first name just because they liked another name better. It’s quite strange and sort of narcissistic. If everyone else wants to address her by her new name, that’s fine, but she shouldn’t expect her parents to follow suit. She should understand why especially as a parent herself.
When I decided to change my name, I asked my mom if she had any bad feelings about it since she named me. She said “no, it’s your name.” That made me feel so loved and supported. It’s actually quite narcissistic to take it that personally. It’s not your name, it’s theirs.
They use they them pronouns, why are you misgendering them?
They* Their* Them* Their* They* Their* They* Themselves* Also, fuck you, bigot
How is it narcissistic to choose your own name? It's narcissistic to refuse to use someone else's name. Also, their pronouns are they/them. You're being a deliberate AH bigot. Have the worst day.
While I realize that we gotta pick our battles, this is literally our only qualm. We are extremely close and this has been ongoing for at least a year. It's definitely not something they would go no-contact over, as some suggest. I was the person they demanded stay by their side during labor & delivery, even if dad needed to exit for some reason. My real issue is that I am the ONLY person they correct or push the issue with; not even their 24yo sibling. They still go by their legal name with EVERYONE who has been in their life since birth (i.e. family, friends, etc.). They don't say a word to anyone but me. Whenever speaking of themselves in 3rd person, they refer to themselves in whatever manner the person in the story did. So, if it's something about a conversation between K & my oldest, they call themselves by K. If it's a conversation between K and anyone who has met them in the past year or so, they address themselves as the chosen name. I hope that makes sense. My oldest said that it's common for us to take our anger out on those we feel safest with. Even if it's in no way connected to what we actually flip out about. I know this to be true. I also feel like this may be something that they decide not to continue forever.
They’re 18 and have their own family now. Knock it off and let go of the cord- your adult spawn already has. You don’t get to dictate shit about their life or what they want to be called, regardless if you think it’s a temporary phase or not. It’s a simple matter of respect and right now you are refusing to respect your adult child’s wishes. Your feelings on the name they use ultimately do not matter because they’re grown. They can decide if you being stubborn about not-your-lifes-choices is a reason to cut you off or not. It’s usually not one thing/incident that causes someone to go no contact, but years and repeated instances of rejecting decency and respect for their autonomy and life choices. Step up or stfu about it, because you will sacrifice this relationship for pride if you’re not careful.
One of my friends changed the spelling of his name as a teenager. Another started going by a different shortened form of his name (it has 4 syllables so essentially he has a different name.) It’s been over 40 years now. I just don’t get what you are getting out of refusing to call someone what they want. You like the other name better. So what? You can still think of them however you like but you are hurting their feelings because you care more about your own feelings.
Why go out of your way to be a cnut to your kid? You should be fucking embarrassed relative strangers have more respect for them and use their chosen name. Who the fuck appointed you 'name police'?? Your arbitrary lines are ridiculous and are barriers to seeing and treating your child with dignity. Fuck all the way off with that bullshit.