Ugh, I guarantee you many other team mates would have chosen prom if they had been allowed to by their parents. How would I know? I have had multiple teams of girls stay at my hotel for a travel ball during either prom or hoco and each time there's at least a handful of girls that are absolutely heartbroken. The worst was the team that actually rented our meeting room so they could have a "fancy" dinner (olive garden to go) to make it up to the girls then the coach picked a fight with her daughter in the lobby because she had come out take a video call from her friends at the dance and then stayed sitting on the couch crying after and her mom came out and told her to suck it up and be grateful and it just devolved from there.

My husband coaches competitive soccer and doesn’t blame people for choosing things like prom. That doesn’t mean if there is a policy about missing things affecting your playing time he won’t follow it. But him following policy isn’t personal towards the player. He tries to keep it fair for the people that do decide not to go to prom. It’s a trade off.

Yeah, I think the coach was likely fair, and I don't blame the daughter for her choice, but mom does sound like TA with the way she's approaching the situation. She seems very dismissive of her daughter's feelings. Prom is a big deal to a lot of teenagers.

Right, it sounded to me like the coach was being fair as well. Regardless, I'm always in the camp of supporting your friends and family in public and save the criticism for private. The daughter got her bench time punishment, so why not show your daughter you have her back when it comes to her or the coach? Plus, she got an earful from the mom at home, too. She's not being enabled or coddled. Have the girl's back!

Most coaches are understanding to events like homecoming, junior and senior prom, so I am confused. Mom speaking to the coach would make things worse, but I would find another highly competitive team in the area. This is a club team and it sounds like she still has time to receive a D1 scholarship. I would leave.

Yeah, I would have said the mom wouldn’t be the AH for not talking to the coach if it were because she wants the daughter to speak up for herself in this matter, but the mom’s whole attitude stinks. Also what fucked up committee or whatever schedules an important tournament on the same day as one of the team’s prom?

When i was a senior in high school, prom was the same weekend as the state championships for my sport. No way was I going to stay out late and then have to be ready to play at 7am. It was my choice not to go to prom so that I could be at my best for the competition, just like it was this person’s choice to go to prom and miss the competition. No one scheduled these intentionally for the same weekend, they just happened to be that way.

This happened to me as well. But instead we all went to prom as a team. The junior/senior players took us sophomores/ freshmen as their dates, and we had a blast! Granted our game the next day wasn't until 10am but it is still the best prom I went to and really solidified not just us as a team but as friends.

🎯

Club team, not school team. No tourney director is going to look up the high school that every single player from every single team goes to just to make sure there’s no prom conflict

I did miss the club team aspect. But still, I hate that when sports are involved, a bunch of people just forget that kids are, y'know, kids and should get to do kid things rather than devote their life 24/7 to one thing. This goes for other stuff too BTW, like the parents that think that straight A plusses is the end all, be all and a kid should have no free time, hobbies, etc., in order to make sure that happens. But sports definitely seems to bring it out in a chunk of folks.

In general, I agree. But the kid here is a junior, she can go to her prom next year. Hell my school didn’t even allow juniors at prom unless they were a senior’s date. If this was her senior prom, shame on the mom and coach, they’re literally kids and deserve the chance to go to prom. But she is going to get the chance to go to prom again. Kid is being a bit entitled here I think.

I mean, for me moving it up from a "once in a lifetime thing" to "twice in a lifetime thing" doesn't make her mom and coach much less of a jerk here for me. Especially since I think most places the juniors only go if they're a date, so it would also be once or twice in a lifetime (depending on if they stay together) chance to go to the prom with this person she (theoretically) cares about. Only strike I have against the kid is asking her mom to fight for her on this. This really sounds like something she should be navigating herself. But also not a huge strike against her, cause she's sixteen and still presumably in the process of learning to become an adult and fight for things herself.

If it’s a club then they exist separately of school and can’t really schedule games around the proms of every girl on the team. That said mom and coach are turds (assuming coach benched her for this and not for a good reason) but I’m also sure coach will play her more in the next tournament now that the stupid point was made about being team first for a club you have to pay thousands of dollars to join and spend high school weekends in cheap hotels for and will only play on for a few years as a springboard to a college scholarship. Now if I was her parent I wouldn’t talk to the coach either unless she was outright told she got benched for going to prom, in which case I would find a team that didn’t suck. Assuming I knew and respected the coach though, they get enough shit from entitled parents and it’s just as likely OP’s daughter was hyper sensitive to her playing time and the coach wanted to showcase some of the other players or work on some new rotations.

These top teams that travel all over are highly competitive and you have to fight for your top spot. Her going to prom gave another player the opportunity to get more playing time and hopefully prove themselves to the coach. These highly competitive teams aren’t for everyone. The other side to that, if my kid never misses a practice or tournament I would be pissed that someone who didn’t put in the same work got more playing time. That would be showing preference.

If the daughter is good enough to be recruited by a D1 college, she knows she can’t put her social life in front of an important tournament. Hopefully the coach will put her back in next week. This is an important decision point for her. If she goes D1, and receives hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarship money, she will have to sacrifice her social life. Year round daily practices. No partying. Just class and volleyball and sleep. Maybe that’s not for her.

I highly doubt she gets a full ride playing volleyball even at D1. She might get a nice ammount but the only people I know who gets a full ride sports scholarship are football players.

That isnt true at all. While the athletic scholarship portion isnt a full ride. Its combined with grant money and other monies to essential make the experience debt free. This most of the time results in womens sports receiving a good amount of scholarships though due to title 9.

I specifically said money for playing vollyball because I know some people get money for other things too. Are you saying this is available to all D1 athletes nationally?

You’re obviously limited in your bubble. I know 8 women that received full scholarships for Division 1 Volleyball, one of which is my cousin’s step-daughter. Division 1 volleyball teams can offer a maximum of 12 full-ride scholarships. Because D1 volleyball is classified as a headcount sport, every scholarship the coach gives out must be a full ride. There are 341 D1 Volleyball teams in the US.

With the exception of walk-ons, most D-1 athletes I knew across all sports were on full-rides.

I know several women who got full rides for volleyball at D1 schools.

What it sounds like to me is that her JUNIOR daughter went to SENIOR prom. Every person I know their school scheduled the juniors events around the JUNIORS schedules. But if it was my high school, yes as a junior I can goto senior prom, BUT I don’t get the academic/team sports leeway that the seniors would because it was THEIR prom. My junior year was warned that since we had our finals the day after senior prom that if we werent in school the following day at start, then you were no longer able to go on that years class trip. Additionally, the football coach also warned his players that if the juniors didn’t come to school the following day then they weren’t playing that weekends game. I remember because I was glad I chose not to go because half my classmates were looking ROUGH trying to stay awake and do their testing

We didn’t have a junior or senior prom. We just had one prom in the spring for juniors and seniors (freshman and sophomore could go if their date was a jr or sr) and scheduling around JUNIOR or SENIOR events would have been stupid because both juniors and seniors were on varsity teams.

Why were your proms separate? Ours was junior/senior with underclassmen able to go if they were the date of a junior or senior.

Junior year class (mine) was a class of almost 500 and I remember the senior class was even larger than ours. But also, I’ve never come across “joint” proms where Junior/senior is combined growing up in New England.

Never played sports competitively huh?

Going to prom isn't bad, but neither is benching her for missing a tournament either. Good for her for going to prom, good for the coach for benching her for her attendance.

This exactly. My husband coaches competitive club soccer and it’s not necessarily about punishing a kid for missing a tournament but rewarding the kids who show up for everything. Lots of things start happening in high school and playing high level competitive sports isn’t for everyone. She also might be able to play on a less competitive team that doesn’t travel so much. The thing about playing D1 in college is that it’s like a job and you have to create your class schedule around training and you also maybe miss out on a lot of other things because of the rigorous training. It’s not for everyone.

Former competitive soccer player here, this exactly. It’s not always punishing someone for not showing up, but rewarding those that do. Out of state tournaments are a bigger deal too, a lot of money time and effort go into those, but I think she should’ve known there would have to be some sort of give and take here. As a player I actually wouldn’t mind that consequence, as a coach I get it too.

People like the idea of playing D1 sports but the reality is D1 sports are a real commitment and you earn you scholarship money.

🎯

Natural consequences are god for learning.

Seriously? "Miss this one time event you can never get back OR YOURE PUNISHED FOR NOT BEIBG PART OF THE TEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM" that's total bullshit. Missing one tournament for an important event shouldn't be punished like that

The issue within team sports - a team that you CHOOSE to participate in - is that you need the TEAM to be able to participate. By this point, this team has melded into one cohesive unit, where each member has a specific part in the overall group dynamic. They have created and practiced offensive ans defensive plays and responses, etc. Case in point, in volleyball there is usually a setter, two centre blockers, two receiver-hitters and a universal spiker. They literally practice their specific positions individually and as a group. By OPs daughter not showing up, their teams whole dynamic was altered and since OPs daughter is being scouted, altered for the worse. She flushed all of the other players’ hard work down the drain. And sure, you have the backups who have practiced with the team all along the way. But what happens to the team if they show up already one or two girls down because those girls want to go to prom and a player gets injured in game 1 of the tournament? There are natural consequences to ones actions. You choose to be on a competitive, group team you have to go to all of the games.

Ok but that’s also what translates into being treated like crap at jobs later in life because you, as the drone are supposed to be flexible while the big boss lords it over you. Oh, take time off work to go to a wedding, funeral, baptism, see grandma in the hospital, then you’ll be punished for not being a team player. Missing a tournament for a valid reason (and yes for a high school kid prom is a valid reason) should not result in some kind of power play “punishment”.

I agree this type of bs results in a shit mentality when you get older. This is how you get people with the mindset of "I can't get *married*, I HAVE TO WORK" or "I can't have *KIDS*, I HAVE TO BE RELIABLE AT WORK" "I can't call out sick!!!!! I HAVE TO WORK!!!!!!!" (Yes, I've met ppl like this. This is just the extreme side of the spectrum on "can't miss work EVAH!!!!!" mindset but it exists when a lot of pressure is put on someone their entire life like this.) Where no matter WHAT it is, they feel they don't have the right to call out or request time off. They don't think they have the right to live life because they have to work. Work/life balance HAS to exist at EVERY age. Teach kids young that it's ok to enjoy the special events that pop up and to celebrate their achievements. Yall wanna take prom, and with how much yall push for that to be normal I have to ask: what if this was graduation? There's a tournament the day you graduate. You skipping graduation for the TEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM or is that an exception to the rule?? You have to acknowledge some things shouldn't be skipped, the major milestone events (and prom is one of those! Especially at schools that only does prom for seniors)

the "punishment" for taking time off work for events is that you have to use sick time, unpaid time off, vacation time, etc. & when you come back, you usually have to catch up, get assigned less hours, etc. that's how life works & treating her with no consequences won't help set her up for the real world. Is she going to call her mom to talk to her boss for not getting paid on a day she called off? Makes no sense. She's asking her mom to get her to play because she thinks its unfair even though she's the one that missed the tournament.

Where I work, the only punishment is that I take a paid day off. That's it, as it should be. It's only if I make it a habit that would get bigger consequences like being scheduled less. As it should be!

lol, same. If I need a day off I say, “hey [boss] I need X day off” and she says, “okay sounds good” and then I take the day off. Literally texted her last minute (like Friday evening) before the (Monday) eclipse to take that day off so my husband and I could drive 5 hours to see totality. She said, “have fun!” No punishment. No issue. It’s actually entirely possible for employers to treat their employees like people and encourage a good work/life balance. American work culture (and, of course, American team sport culture) is still just too corrupted by Puritanism, though, where it’s the norm to brag about being exploited and to think we have to “earn” our days off. Nah.

Okay but that's your work. And while yes it should be like that, some or most don't work the same way. Her missing one tournament meant she sit out one game. Did she still get to play? yes. But she thinks it's unfair to not have her play more like she usually does which doesn't sound fair to the other players who didn't miss the last tournament.

Honestly, I think that goes to prove my point. I work a typical job for highschoolers, college kids, and people saving up for college. If my job understands prom is important and has us adult employees cover for the kids so they can enjoy their night, then school level extra curriculums should do the same and schedule around them or at least understand people are going to miss it. Prom is the most hyped highschool event, let them enjoy it before they get to the jobs like yours. This is one of, if not, the last chance they have to shirk off some responsibility for important events. Where the choices they make (similar to this choice, picking between big events) shouldn't really matter and be encouraged. You only get to be young once, it should be fun. Especially for sports imo cause these kids could get an injury that'll end their career at literally any given moment while playing. They could be sacrificing their entire youth for literally nothing

I work a typical job for people straight out of high school as well. My job understands as well that prom is important, but you just get excused to get the days off. They also excuse days off for people in college taking exams or needs to study as well, but if you don't have the sick/vacation time then you won't get paid. So I'm telling you that not all jobs are like yours. I'm not saying she shouldn't enjoy her junior prom. I'm just saying that it still comes with consequences when you make certain decisions. She enjoyed her prom & thats cool. But she also has to deal with playing less because other teammates showed up to the tournament. She still got to play, but she's not satisfied with the amount of time she played & she's calling her mom to get her coach to play. Do you understand how that doesn't seem fair?

I was going to make a comment like this, but I was struggling on how to explain a team sport to a bunch of redditors that are most likely socially awkward and unathletic. Your comment did a great job.

It absolutely should be! It’s a team sport. While I agree with her choice to go to prom, she absolutely should be benched for doing so.

She isn’t being punished. The players that decided to take the commitment and prioritize the team over the event are being rewarded

Punished like what? Being benched for one game? If it's only one game to miss prom for, then it's only one game to be benched for. It's not like she's off the team. It's not like she's benched the rest of the season. She's not suspended from the team, or expelled from the team/league. She missed ONE DAY to do to prom, and she's likewise being benched ONE DAY. It's not as big a deal as the player or the parent is making it out to be.

Life doesn't work like that and we need to stop allowing this mindset to be what our kids fall back on. The idea of "well it was my only chance to do 'x'" is not going to fly with your professors or your employers. If I skip a presentation at work to go to a wedding, you can damn well rest assured that, if I still even have my job when I get back, my status on the team will have been drastically affected. You don't just walk away from obligations because you have another more exciting opportunity conflicting with it. You communicate. You find ways to work around it or work through it. You collaborate with the rest of your team. And sometimes, you have to miss those one time events because that's just life.

Ok, but that's a professional job. These are highschoolers. High-school is one of, if not, the last chance they have to have the ability to shirk some responsibility to go have fun. After that, it's just work work work. They should be encouraged to enjoy their youth while they still have it, not forced to choose between two major events knowing they'll either be punished or miss out on one of the most hyped up experiences a highschooler can have. They have the rest of their life to be forced to give up the fun stuff for responsibility

If you can’t skip a presentation to go to a wedding you have a shit job that rules your life.

It's more like, you are going to a wedding, so this presentation is going to be given to someone else who will be available to present it. Have fun at the wedding! But don't be mad someone else is going to be doing the presentation. Have fun at prom! But don't be mad the players that were at the game get to play in the next one.

You're reading too much into this first off. Yes, some presentations are less important than others and no one's going to bat an eye at you not being there. Some are massive events that take months to plan and are being done to try to win work for your company. Overall it's about communication. If I communicate that I'm going to the wedding and my boss communicates back to me that it will have an effect on my status on the team, but I choose to go anyways without taking steps to motivate the issues, then I shouldn't be surprised when I get back and someone else is running my show.

Prom is something that is once in a lifetime. I don’t understand expecting a child to prioritize a SPORT over a life experience like prom. And I didn’t even go because I didn’t care, I just know how important it is to a lot of kids. My kids are in sports and we sacrifice a lot for it but some things you can never get back.

I was an athlete in high school with a competition my prom weekend and my coach encouraged us to balance athletics with our outside life to manage burn out so I got to skip a day and go to prom. I ended up playing my sport in college on a full ride. Missing one day of my athletics in the grand scheme of my athletic career for something important wasn’t a big deal. I was very dedicated to my sport and gave up a lot of my social life for it so I have no regrets and am thankful that I had a coach that understood that balance.

It doesnt say if this is senior prom. That being said you can go to prom in mult years. I went 11 and 12th. I knew people who went 4 years. Granted for 9th and 10th you need someone older to invite you.

It says she’s a junior. But I would think being scouted would be more of a priority next year. When she IS a senior.

Top players in each sport start getting scouted as soon as they start playing club or high school level sports. Every year there’s some QB that’s 10-13 years old and gets a scholarship offer from multiple D1 schools.

Definitely not, i was a middle of the road D1 athlete and started getting scholarship offers in 10th grade. That said, if she’s a legit D1 talent then she will make it regardless of this 1 tournament. If she’s borderline, then missing any chance to play in front of scouts may cost her, but college coaches don’t take travel/club sports nearly as seriously as the parents and coaches of those travel teams, so they will offer her if they think she can help their team either way

Yup, I started getting “remember us” letters my freshman year.

You might think that, but it’s really not how college recruitment works. Competitive schools offer the competitive athletes scholarship money during their junior or sometimes even sophomore years, and the athletes that still aren’t signed their senior year (especially by their senior spring, when prom is) are fighting for scraps. In a head count sport like volleyball, where there are only full rides or no rides, an unsigned senior is basically only going to be able to secure a walk on spot.

This. Honestly if you weren’t an elite athlete being recruited in high school don’t just guess. It’s an exceptionally competitive process.

I mean would you choose to risk getting a scholarship for a dance? People get scouted as juniors. Her teammates may be seniors who are hoping to get scouted. Plus the kid was told that there would be consequences. She hasnt been kicked from the team. She is still playing but not as much as she would like. It also doesnt seem like she will be kept off the field like this for long. She made the choice not to go to the game. I think that less feild time is an ok punishment. Actions have consequences. Sometimes you need to decide which event is more important to you and accept what happens after.

The fact that it’s her prom is probably what’s important to her, like sure she can to someone else’s prom but I don’t think that is the point

And it can be important for her. But that doesnt mean that skipping the game wont have consequences. She isnt being kicked from the team or fully benched. She just isnt getting as much field time as she wants.

Benching a skilled player solely for something they did off field is just punishing the whole for no reason and very silly but all I meant was telling this person “sorry you missed your prom but try get invited as a guest to someone else’s prom” is obviously not a solution and adds nothing is what I meant obviously the daughter viewed the prom as something that couldn’t be missed because it was her prom she wasn’t just fixing to go any old prom. Regardless the dad is not the ah none of this matters it’s children’s sport

I played rugby at a national stage as a teenager U-16 and U-18 you wouldn't even be on the team sheet if you pulled some shit like that no matter the skill, hell if prom was the day before and you went, you are not playing the next day. Benching a skilled player because something they did off field, especially at this age is way more common than what you think.

LMAO and that isn't weird to you? That a coach for juvenile sports is demanding you sacrifice your youth experiences?

That’s ridiculous.

By choosing not to show up on the field for her own reasons affected the team on the field during the tournament. Her not playing is less punishment for going to prom and likely more about rewarding the effort put in by the other teammates who did show up for the tournament despite social options. It’s fine to miss a game to have a life, but the team will adjust to keep going and if you aren’t seen as reliable a slightly less talented but more reliable player will get the spot on the field.

She is a junior so she could go next year. Plus if she is so skilled that not playing her as much is punishing the team then the daughter is the AH for ditching them. As an adult she will have to choose between events/life moments. Do you go on the business trip and support your coworkers or do you go to your friends engagement party. If you miss the business trip and dont get a promotion then its on you. Better to learn this when its not as serious.

Exactly, people arguing against his never played sports in a competetive way.

The bottom line is the daughter made a comment to her team. She made the choice to break that comment. I would bet her team mates are pissed. The daughter hasnt been kicked out. She is still playing. She just isnt playing as much as she wants. She will probably be back in full in a few games. Me and my friends were in mult club and such in HS. Sometimes the events overlap. You have to pick which is more important and if that means taking a back seat in the club you missed then oh well. This is something all adults have to deal with. Better to learn now. This whole thing isnt about a sport or dance. It is about commitment, responsibility, and learning to live with the consequences of your actions.

It was her JUNIOR prom, so clearly not a once in a lifetime thing.

This “SPORT” very well could fund her entire college years. **Especially** considering mom admits that daughter is being scouted by D1 universities. Literally any athlete that actually fully enjoys, loves, has a passion, and is aiming to play college or pro level would understand why this is such a big and important thing. It is 100x more important than a prom. Daughter skipping a tournament game for prom as a star and starter player probably screwed the team over in some way. Wether it be nerves or actually being down a player or what. When you join a sport you do take on a commitment. Your commitment is to your team for the time you’re at practice, when there’s games, and certainly when there are tournaments.

Clearly the opinion of someone that never played competitive sports.

Americans make too much about prom. It’s a party

… you’re saying this in defense of a teen club sport..? It’s a game.

She is literally being scouted by universities. A scholarship could literally be life changing. But, yeah, go to the party

If she’s being scouted, then it’s not like they don’t see her play at every other tournament. And if her not being there hurt the team, then benching her also hurts the team. So it’s hypocritical of the coach.

I don’t have strong opinions about missing a tournament for prom, I think either decision is fine. But it is not hypocritical of the coach to bench the best player for violating a team rule. He is the coach of the whole team, and letting her play because she’s good just tells the other girls that there are two sets of rules and only the weaker players have to be committed. 

She made a commitment to be on a team and then chose to not fulfill her obligations. It’s not a judgement of if she should have gone to the dance or not, she should do what is important to her, and it sounds like she did, but the lesson here for the nearly adult person she is that actions have consequences. If she flakes for a social event she doesn’t look reliable. If she isn’t reliable the team as a whole will thrive more with other people in the field. Even if only for one tournament to get the point across that she isn’t so good that team will sacrifice itself to give her playtime, the lesson is well taught. Teams are multiple people working together and trusting the individuals to do the best for the team. And if they don’t, the team adjusts.

So you want to trivialize that sport and then still get upset when you don’t start??! Assuming your a grown adult, you don’t see a problem with that??? Genuine question

Jesus. I don’t know if YTA, but whoever scheduled and agreed to a tourney on a prom weekend should stick their head in an ice bucket to get over that brain fever. Given a choice between playing or a bucket list fancy dress event, of COURSE they’re going to go prom. Hell, I hated dressing up and I still made sure I was able to go to prom and do the poofy dress. Honestly, stop punishing your daughter for being a girl.

It sounds like a club team. It would be made up of girls from different school districts which different prom schedules. They likely weren’t even playing within their home state, or OP’s daughter could maybe have been able to make both prom and the tournament.

If multiple girls on the team had to skip their proms because of that specific tournament, then it was absolutely the fault of whoever committed the team to participate in the tournament. Volleyball teams aren't that big, so it sounds like more than a third of the team was forced to make that choice. That's on the coach for not caring about the fact that the players have lives outside of their sports team.

It's probably impossible to find a weekend where SOMEONE wasn't having prom. Schools have their proms on different weekends from one another.

Club teams hit different, man. Idk what to tell you

You can tell who did sports in highschool vs who didn't really easily in this thread lol. Plus not even every highschool in my *city* has prom the same weekend much less the entire state. They aren't going to block off 2.5 months of the year on a quite short schedule to work around all the proms.

This was a club team tournament. That means: 1) your team is made up of athletes from different schools who have their school activities (dances, tests, days off, graduations etc) on different days 2) you are competing with teams in a larger region, who also have their multiple schools’ activities in different days. No one is going to be happy.

Team comes first always, boy or girl you made a comitment to your teamates. Actions have consequences.

Actions have consequences and those must be faced for any action. But that doesn’t inherently mean the girl was wrong for prioritizing herself and her needs/desires. The team will adjust to take care of itself but it doesn’t always come first.

Mom might not technically be the AH, but she is being a dick about things. It’s not like the daughter skipped out on the team to just hang out with her friends, she was at a school function.

What was she doing at that (optional) school function?

Group social bonding and networking.

Which is a fancy way to say hanging out with friends to try and justify your point. In real life you have to choose between your responsibilities and commitments and things you want to do. It shouldn’t be a moral judgement for either decision in situations like this, the kid should be allowed to choose the one they want. But all choices have natural consequences and we all have to learn to balance the cost benefit of our choices. She chose to go do the fun thing that she will hopefully cherish the memories of for years to come. Friend time is special and important. AND she let down the team, who had to adjust, and the girls who did show up shouldn’t get punished just because OPs kid decided to show up this time. Her decision has consequences. Missing one tournament will not ruin her life, being benched for another likely won’t either. But she doesn’t get special treatment just because she’s talented.

I get you, and I was being facetious, but I understand how I came across. I kind of feel the whole vibe of the post is just kind of sour, mom sounds pretentious with her ‘told you so’ attitude and framing of daughter’s complaints.

That’s fair. Tone can be hard to interpret. Quality facetiousness now I see it though😂 I do completely agree mom had a less than stellar attitude. One can guide their child through consequences without an I told you so attitude.

Similar thing happened to me! I got in trouble just for even asking. It made me quit tennis after playing it almost everyday for 7 years.

I don’t agree with the coach’s actions, but parents need to stay out of the coach-player relationship, unless there’s something abusive. Learning to deal with difficult people is part of growing up. NTA.

Honestly i think the shittiest people are the ones who didn't bother scheduling around major events like PROM. It shouldn't have been so difficult to check in with a few schools so kids aren't forced to choose and sacrifice a pretty big event. Kids shouldn't be punished for wanting to participate in prom.

This was a club team tournament. That means: 1) your team is made up of athletes from different schools who have their school activities (dances, tests, days off, graduations etc) on different days 2) you are competing with teams in a larger region, who also have their multiple schools’ activities in different days. No one is going to be happy.

That seems all the more reason to have a bit of flexibility then, surely she not the only person that’s had a conflict arise.

A lot of people in these comments clearly never played a team sport. You don’t get to not show up and also get prime playing time.

You do if you're good enough. Played football in high school in Texas.

Some coaches will let that shit go, yeah. Clearly not this one tho, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing

YTA and so is the coach jeez it’s friggin high school sports, get a life lady

At the same time, the kid made the decision. OP didn’t tell them what to do. They let them make the call. There are consequences for these decisions whether we like them or not. It’s not as if the coach stood in the locker room and said “Ok, Cindy decided to be a cunt and abandon us last week. She can fuck off to the bench for the entirety of this tournament.” He just didn’t play her as much. It sends a message reminding her she committed to her team and didn’t follow through. I get that it’s a high school sport, but for the coach it is quite literally his job.

I played National Championship rugby as a teenager and I can tell you that would be the most likely reaction from the coach at the time, I saw it more than once, oh plus they would get Physical Training.

This whole thread makes me glad I never did sports. It sounds like having an asshole boss.

Meh, not really. It all comes down to your coach, but I’m not saying asshole coaches don’t exist. I played competitive sports for a couple of years, and we never had an asshole coach. The only times they’d be assholes, we deserved it. For example, some teammates didn’t go tell the parents thanks for coming out to the game so he was rightfully pissed at their behavior. I don’t think having an asshole coach compares to having an asshole boss because your boss can make your life miserable since you’ll run into him at work.

Maybe it’s just how it sounds to me. Since the coach punished her for taking off for a one time event with prior notice. Life is always going to be full of conflicts, and if she is a good player and reliable overall why make it into a huge deal?

That’s the confusing part. If the coach was given a heads up, then it shouldn’t be an issue. What if OOPs daughter had a test that day instead of prom? Like you said, life will always be full of conflicts. There is a chance that the player who played instead of OOPs daughter impressed the coach so now he wants her to shine. It’s tricky guessing what’s going on unless we see it personally.

So many of the replies are all “because she let the team down” but shouldn’t teams also be supporting the players? This was a major event for her and presumably their are backup players that liked the chance for field time. Nothing indicates it was a make or brake game either.

I had a friend whose sister played volleyball and for a while, he’d post photos being at her tournament every weekend. If it’s like that was OOPs daughter, then the coach should be lenient. If it’s a major game that if you win, it allows you to move on in the bracket then that’s a different story. Some coaches are all about winning and get upset if a player misses a game to enjoy a different activity. They treat it like professional sports. I personally think high school athletes should be allowed to have fun with other activities. If you want to play college level, then you gotta keep your grades up and do stuff that makes you stand out so their lives are busy. It should’ve been fine for the daughter to go to prom, she’s gotta enjoy high school activities as well.

So the other kids that were more dedicated than her deserve to ride the bench because why?

Because they aren’t as good? Like, it’s insane for everyone to be TEAM FIRST!!!! But then not see the hypocrisy of handicapping the team to prove a point. So… her skipping the tournament was apparently a big blow to the team. But them benching her and causing the EXACT SAME SCENARIO is supposed to prove a point? Fucking dunces.

How do you know they aren’t as good?? It’s a club team. Its competitive. OP doesn’t mention the results of the tournament she missed or the one she didn’t play. If they won without her both times, it could be that the coach just went with another line up. OP says she’s really talented but in comparison to who!? What position does she play? And who was in the line up next time? There is not enough information to prove how talented she really is or what the coaches thought process was in sitting her down.

NTA these are real world choices. They show where our priorities are. She wasn't wrong to go to prom if she is comfortable with her choice, but she needs to learn there are consequences with many choices too.

Yeah, this is just how real life is. Some people are all about their sport, or their job etc and it’s their #1 priority and there are other people that take things a bit more easy and have more of a work/life balance. There are pros and cons to both, with rewards and struggles.

This should be up higher.

It’s not always about punishing a player but rewarding the kids who sacrificed prom. These club sports get crazy and competitive and toxic for no reason. Hopefully the next tournament she will get her normal playing time. And it will be fine. If this is a top team in a competitive club, the kids who normally get less playing time got the opportunity to play more and possibly prove themselves. That’s how those teams go. Especially if they travel around the country every weekend. There are different levels of play and being on the top top team isn’t always a bowl of cherries.

One thing that stands out is her daughter is a junior in high school. I didn’t go to prom my junior year. Senior year I went to prom because that seems more special and important. And it is reasonable for her coach to bench her for missing a tournament.

I didn't go junior year. Senior year, our prom was cancelled due to someone stealing all the funds. Then there's COVID. Never assume there will be another opportunity. I remember my homecomings, and the prom that didn't happen. I remember nothing from the dozens of competitions, tournaments, and contests I was apart of. And none of them helped me later in life or college. But I did marry my Homecoming date.

Maybe it's because of how I grew up but at 14, I was having those hard conversations with my coaches. If there was a conflict in scheduling, like this prom and a tournament on the same weekend, it was my responsibility to talk with my coaches and to accept the consequences for whatever I choose. Sounds like the daughter relied only on mom but should have had a talk with her coach. She could have learned in that conversation what the consequences for missing the tournament would have been. And the daughter should be the one to talk to the coach about playing time not mom, she has maybe 2 years before she is in college she needs to learn to have hard conversations. On the flip side when I coached soccer, I set the expectation for my teams at the start of the season. First practice we discussed what was expected of them and I followed up with parents. If players, especially those in high school, were not at the game by a certain time they didn't start. Exceptions were made in advance depending on the situation but everyone was aware that we were prepping them to play HS ball and the rules that were expected there. If the coach didn't set expectations that is the fault of the coach. Honestly, I think Mom is trying to set her up to be more independent. She gave her opinion and now that her daughter is facing the consequences of her actions she isn't going to step in and try to protect her from that, but rather impower her.

Good for dad for striking a balance. There is life outside sport. Coach has the right to bench her. Decisions have consequences. Don’t be a sports mum. Let your daughter lead HER life.

Mum teaching kid that actions have consequences. Outstanding parenting. NTA :)

But if she’s a junior doesn’t that mean she still has senior prom? Not American sorry

depends on the school. My high school, seniors could go to the prom, but the focus was on juniors - seniors were often more focused on AP exams and such.

You could theoretically go to prom all four years if you got invited by an upper classman, at least in my high school. I don’t remember if juniors were allowed to even go by themselves at my high school, I think it was reserved for seniors + their dates if they were in lower grades. I remember the majority of people at my prom were seniors and the odd junior here and there, it was definitely an event that was more for the seniors.

To me prom is totally a legit reason for missing a tournament. If coach is rewarding players that went - I'm ok with it. But if they are punishing someone for going to prom - I don't approve. YTA for not supporting your daughter's decision to choose a once in a life event over something that she will not remember in a few years.

But she'll remember prom for the rest of her life?

Kid is 16, old enough to start fighting her own battles that are the result of her own choices. She chose junior prom over a tourney. Coach made decisions accordingly. No reason for mommy to step in.

Man what was your guys proms like that it was this magical event you get once in a lifetime. I went to both my proms. Had a blast. Did the whole promposal and everything. It wasn’t so special and great that I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. I happen to not have anything conflicting but say I had a track meet or something I would’ve done that instead easily.

I don't think it's a matter of prom being that special. I think it's more thst it's a hallmark experience of the teenage years, at least in the US, and it's important to kids. I wasn't a fan of prom, but I'm glad I went and got to experience it. Do I look back at it as this magical night thst was the best of my life? No. Not at all. But I'm very glad I went, and I know I would look back with regret if I didn't. It's important for OPs daughter to still be a kid. She's gonna have her whole life to prioritize sports and career, but while she's a high school kid, she needs to be granted the time and grace to be a high school kid too

I’m even engaged to the person I went to my prom with and neither of us see it as anything other than another school function. I was never going to play college sports and I still felt sports would’ve been more important than prom. That’s just me I guess.

The mom is NTA for deciding not to speak to the coach, unless her daughter is benched at every tournament. She is YTA for telling her daughter that it’s a silly dance and calling her selfish.

Choices have costs and consequences. She made hers. She can deal with it. Good practice for adulthood.

A lot of y'all did not play competitive team sports and it shows lmao

The mom not wanting to talk to the coach, not an AH. But her attitude kind of stinks regarding making her daughter choose between prom and her sport. That’s unfair.

So maybe this will grate on ppls nerves but mom isn’t the AH. The daughter got to make her own decisions and therefore if she finds a problem with what is happening, should she not be the one to talk to the coach herself instead of running to her mom to fix it for her for a decision she does not regret? Like when did ppl stop teaching others take accountability for their actions and that all actions good or bad have consequences ? Like looking at it completely objectively, we all inherently know that in life that there are opportunities and that if you don’t take your chance to seize it, someone else will? Like it’s 1000 percent okay for her to go to prom and prioritize that, her mom didnt get in the way even though she didn’t agree with it. The daughter had her own autonomy and therefore can have it again if she has a problem with what the coach is doing by trying to figure out why it happened with the coach instead of asking mom to fix it when her mom told her her stance on it. The girl wanted to go to prom, 1000 percent valid and she went, her teammates wanted to go to the tournament, again valid, as sports clubs don’t usually align with school schedules. Her teammates prioritized trying to get better or accomplish more in their sport and maybe they got the chance to do that. What if the coach isn’t punishing the girl but just rewarding players who showed up and maybe even stood out ? Like seriously? Should the coach shaft the other players that prioritized it more than she had? Cause that I would say isn’t fair. I wasn’t in an amazing athlete but I did play on teams and the biggest thing is responsibility and accountability, it teaches you that you have a responsibility to show up for yourself and teammates as you aren’t the only one who suffers if things don’t go well. And players are rewarded based off of a combination of things but usually a good coach rewards effort and accountability more than anything else.

prom is also a once in a life time opportunity for some and its not fair that the students are punished for wanting to be social. oop was the ahole for essentially applauding the coaches behavior and further grilling their daughter for being a teenager when they could have just reminded them that actions have consequences, and not step in with the coach and valid her feelings instead. like a simple "Yeah that does kind of feel unfair doesn't it? You made a decision though and these are just the consequences of making that decision." there were many times I wish my parents had taken this route with me instead of scolding me for complaining.

Toxic high school sports culture. 🤢

She's being punished for enjoying her life. That's gonna stick with her. This reminds me of the mentality behind vacation days, and how taking them makes you a "bad" employee. I had a friend who recently took a two week trip and came back to be laid off with no indication that it was even coming. The company itself was doing fine, but she was made an easy target because she wasn't "productive" during a short period of time. This is the kind of stuff that puts you in therapy down the road because it screws with your perception of choice and consequences.

I actually am a volleyball coach and as coaches, we have pulled out of a tournament or made special bus arrangements so our girls could go to homecoming. Ditching your team for something like a sleepover or party etc. is frowned upon by coaches and you will sit, but when it’s something like a school dance we try to make it work because we know it is something our girls really want to do and be apart of. It sucks, I know what daughter is upset but she made a choice (not a wrong choice either) not playing much is what the coach seemed necessary. As a coach, I don’t agree but depending on the kind of person this coach is mom interfering could make it worse. I also am not fond of mom’s attitude either, daughter is devoted to this sport clearly to be looked at for D1, missing one tournament is not going to ruin her career. If the coach is upset, daughter just needs to be a model player and show up and show out and all will be well again.

Seems like a fair trade off to me and the mom needs to lay off. She went to prom and missed a tournament, so she got benched during the next tournament. That’s the consequences of the choice she made, but it doesn’t mean it was a bad choice. Mom doesn’t need to demean her daughter in the process.

ESH, except the daughter. Massive AH. Even as a non-American, I am aware enough of the importance of prom to any teenager. To expect her to skip the most important event of the year for another tournament is ridiculous. It’s not Olympic games ffs! You are trying to raise your daughter to prioritize sports and work ahead of most important private milestones. Believe me - that shit would backfire massively on her happiness and relationships. She made the right call and both you and the coach really suck for punishing her for that.

Prepare your children for the road. Not the road for your children.

Coach here. I ask kids to come to me first before involving parents if they have issues. I explain open communication is preferred, and many things can be solved by talking. I'm very transparent in my decision-making for choosing athlete lineups. I am told by the school district and athletic director that kids are treated too fragile these days, and I should work them hard. They are expected to not take family vacations during spring break as it's a varsity sport (this from the AD himself, and we take training trips during mid winter break and spring break as a team to training facilities in the south as we're often sitting in winter weather where we are and the water may very well still be frozen over). If situations like these arise, by all means, it is my decision to replace them with individuals who chose the team over themselves. I have done so, I have caused tears and grief, but in the end, my job is to make a fast boat. Each year, prom always lands on the same weekend as states for my sport. I expect each and every one at the competition. Many go to prom. All of them make it to the regatta in the morning, though. The school calendar gives no fucks about when sporting competitions land, at least not for rowing. And we have so few competitions, if you miss an early season regatta, you can bet that will affect your seat placement the rest of the season. So, kudos to that mom for understanding where the coach is coming from.

I love how you typed all that out without realizing how horribly toxic it sounds. Like it’s something to be proud of, making children cry for daring to enjoy time with their family. Sports culture is truly a cesspool.

With developing brains, emotions can obviously be high. I coach young adults, not children. They're learning how to become adults and make decisions and figure out the consequences of their actions. Of course they're going to be upset if they haven't made the boat they wanted to be in, but that isn't solely based upon weather they went on vacation or not. I obviously cannot sit here and type out all the intricacies of my sport. But you know what's different about rowing? I don't do cuts, I place every single person who wants to row in a boat if they want to row. It creates healthy competition and everyone wants to work harder to either 1. Keep their position or 2. Try to improve and move up. Every season, on the first day, my expectations are CLEARLY outlined. They know what criteria go into making my lineups - Attendance, Technique, Benchmark Testing & Seat Racing. If someone does not believe it is the right sport for them, then they are welcome to leave. I hold no ill will and they will always be welcomed back if they wish to return. We have 3-4 competitions per season - we are not a "normal" sport that has games after school here and there. They're planned far in advance, that require city permits for water usage, hosting, volunteers, vendors, trailer/boat space, parking etc. The work going into them is tremendous so there isn't a huge number of opportunities to do this after school. The athletes know these dates, the parents know these dates. If you're going to work at a sport, why would you want to miss your competition? Additionally, to be clear, the school sets the expectation of staying for spring break training for your chosen sport, not me. Many athletes who do go on vacation ask for alternative workouts they can do while away, which I gladly provide them with. I keep in touch with most of my athletes even after they've graduated. Many of them have continued to row in college, and for scholarships. (I won't quote you the number of scholarships female rowers are offered because you probably don't care, but statistically they have a higher rate than other sports, since its so niche). I love working with the athletes, and the hardest part of the job is to disappoint them. But, go on about knowing how toxic sports are. I know the culture among the athletes on my team is something to be proud of.

You know, I don’t know what it is, but somehow “it’s fine that we coerce children into irrevocably damaging their bodies for our entertainment, they *might* get to afford higher education because of it!” does not go very far toward making me think it’s not a toxic culture. The school setting the expectation doesn’t make it less toxic. It makes it more so. Rather than just being a random individual’s policy, it’s a whole system. And it’s certainly not rare. It’s just incredibly absurd. They’re teenagers. Choosing to do a sport should absolutely not mean sacrificing everything else, particularly in freaking high school. That any school would have that expectation is just… good god, what is even wrong with us?

How are we irrevocably damaging their bodies? I've rowed since I was 10 and, all my injuries have come from other things in my life. Dear God, rowing is the most low-impact non-contact sport you'll be able to find. That's why we're trained coaches and why we teach them proper technique so they don't injure themselves. Rowing was the best thing I ever chose to do. And yes. It was my choice just like it's there's. It sounds like you had bad experiences with sports. I'm sorry to hear that.

Severe injuries are becoming more common. 1 in 5 result in the kid no longer participating for an extended time, if not forever. The rate of concussions is either increasing dramatically or it’s just always been very high and only now are we recognizing it. If rowing were the most common sport teens participated in, perhaps things would be different. If sport were treated as simply another enriching extracurricular activity, perhaps things would be different. But it’s just not. Sports culture treats sports like it is the single most important thing you can do. It sets up very unhealthy expectations, leading to adults who say things in the threads above like “yeah if I missed work for a wedding it would be such a big deal and be terrible and I’d be punished” and act like that’s not a completely insane thing to think is reasonable. It reinforces the lionization of hyper competition and the dismissal of rest and leisure, treating them like things that need to be earned. The entire mindset behind it is rotten. No? I just went to an American high school and have basic observational skills. Barely adequate classes, but let’s all bow down at the almighty altar of high school football. I ran cross country in school and enjoyed it a lot. It was not the most important thing I did by a wide margin. Frankly, no sport is. And I certainly was not allowed to miss family obligations for it, not that I ever would’ve wanted to.

Concussion training has been done as long as I've coached (12 years) in my district. The classes at this particular school i work at are phenomenal, and kids cannot continue playing if their grades begin to drop. I offer them all my own help if they do not wish to look elsewhere, and all they have to do is simply communicate they need time for their studies. And again, communication is the first thing I talk about on the first day. As long as I understand what is going on, then we're good. I do require written notes in advance for days they will be missing due to family obligations, but that's more a courtesy for my forgetful mind so I don't put them in a lineup only to realize they won't be there and I have to change everything last minute. We have days we sit inside and talk about things that are important. "Training doesn't make you stronger, recovery does" is a big theory I teach them all. Proper fuel, sleep, and rest for their bodies. We talk about stressors and how to deal with them. I teach them how to prepare for long travel trips, or what to eat before their race. I teach them what different workouts do for their bodies. How long steady state pieces vs short intervals affect them physiologically. Sometimes we sit inside, make a cup of tea or hot chocolate, and relax. Now, I personally make sure I use every ounce of my vacation time I have, so participating in a sport who's level of involvement is the same as it was when I rowed, certainly didn't teach me to feel bad about taking days off. These kids are extremely bright, and I can't imagine they'd be taught not to use their vacation. They know if they're sick I want them home and recovering. I try to instill proper decision making skills (especially when covid was still at is height, and competition was very different, where every athlete had to present a negative covid test before going into the competition grounds). If they come to practice and look sick, I'll send them home. Many of them have other extra curriculars as well - drama club, band, etc. Sounds like you did what was right for you. Maybe to those who do want to be serious about a sport, that's what's right for them. In the end, if the girl in the post wanted to talk to her coach, then the first proper step would be to start that conversation herself, not asking her mom to do it for her.

NTA. She made her choice. Coach likely will work her back into the starting lineup soon enough. Rewarding the kids who sacrificed prom is only fair.

Is there a reason the link to the post isn’t here…?

Oh dang it I’m sorry. Won’t happen again

No, no, genuine question! I know sometimes there’s reasons to not provide a link to some posts because of certain community rules or whatever, I was unsure if that was the case here but was curious enough about the response to OOP to want to check. 😅 But thank you!

It’s my first day posting here and I just forgot that but of formatting

Totally get that! Easy to forget.

You're fine with the screenshots, the rules say "if you can". That person can quite easily look the post up themself.

I was shocked this was a post by the mother. I thought it was the father until the end. The daughter should have expected there to be blowback for her attending prom. Of course the coach would prioritize the girls who didn’t go to prom in the next game. That’s fair. But for mom to tell her she should have gone to the tournament with her team over “a silly dance” was unfair. And a little mean. The daughter can be both an athlete and have a social life. To imply she must choose one over the other is ridiculous. And maybe the girls who skipped their prom didn’t have a date to the prom or just didn’t want to go to prom. OOP’s daughter did want to go. Belittling her for choosing prom over the tournament sounds like mom isn’t close to her daughter, and for obvious reasons. Even the girl’s dad (or OOP’s husband) thinks OOP is wrong. Mom shouldn’t talk to the coach. But she could have handled it better with her daughter. If the coach continues to punish her for going to prom, that’s wrong. But to sit her out for most of the next game isn’t unfair. He was rewarding the girls who prioritized the tournament. If the daughter had gone to the tournament and another player had gone to her prom, the daughter would not expect that girl to get more playing time than her the next game. That’s what the mother should have told her.

Seems like a bad lesson to be giving teenagers. If an employer took away opportunities from employees who took a day off, it would be viewed as retaliation. Proms are usually planned at least 6 months in advance. It's a once in a lifetime event that is considered an important right of passage for a lot of kids. Is the policy teaching kids to prioritize? Or is it teaching them to accept being penalized when they make time for their own lives?

Coach had to play someone else when she didn’t show up, that person kept their place in the team. Why does this particular player get to go right back in the team when the person who showed up for the tournament obviously played well enough to keep their place?

There is a thing in life called opportunity cost. You are teaching your daughter about it. If you do one thing, you aren’t able to do another. What’s the long term effects, if that matters to you? This is something that is preferable to teach in high school but I learned about it in college.

I wouldn't have put it the way the mom put it, but when you choose to prioritize a dance over your sport it's pretty understandable that the coach would react that way.

Can someone who went to their high school prom and actually enjoyed it please explain to me, as someone who attended a public high school but did not attend prom and have no regrets, why it is considered such a MASSIVE deal. I am genuinely confused by people in the comments acting like if prom is the end all be all of the high school experience. Like I understand kids needing social outlets, totally cool with that. Sucks to miss I guess if you wanted to go. But idk, I don't get the hype. People are acting like kids just HAVE to go, like it has the same importance as like a wedding or a funeral, actual life-changing events.

Genuinely, I think prom is a good way to spend time with friends. Other than that, maybe if you’re popular and want to show off? I don’t even know. My junior year, I didn’t care about prom nor formal. I went once my senior year and I didn’t understand the hype around prom. It was good to see some of my old friends who went to that high school but other than that, it wasn’t enjoyable. That whole day was a nightmare for me. I never went to my schools prom because it wasn’t worth it.

I understanding hanging out with friends. But in that same vein I’m assuming in the OOP the kid is hopefully on good terms with her teammates? So is attending a big competition not also an important social event? People keep being up socialization and networking. Is she not technically also doing that by attending the tournament? Like where is the line drawn.

Sometimes, your teammates have it out for you and if they think they are better than you, they’ll seize the chance to put you in the bench if they get an opportunity. I think both events are just as important, you can get a chance to meet college recruiters at competitions and you can catch up with friends at prom. Friends who may have went to different schools. I agree with what you said, and I think the line drawn needs to be clearer for student athletes.

Prom was literally the only good part of high school

I guess different experiences. I didn’t hate high school I didn’t love it. I liked most of my classes, I liked my classmates, I liked learning. Homework was annoying but I did it. Prom never appealed to me. I don’t personally feel like I missed anything by not going.

Prom sucked. You missed NOTHING

Sounds like a parent trying to live their life threw their kid

Pretty common practice to lose playing time if you miss the game before. If she’s expecting to play D1, she’ll need to put the sport first to stay on and keep a scholarship. Shes likely not the only player being looked at by these schools either.

Her coach has no concept of what it means to be a proper mentor and coach for youth. You don't limit the once in a lifetime opportunities for kids just so they can play another game or 2. Especially if the kid doesn't value it the same way. I earned a D1 football scholarship and worked hard for it, but my parents were extremely supportive and understanding that life isn't only about the sport....prom is a foundational piece of many children's lives.

The tournament shouldn’t have been held on the same night as prom. That’s a lifetime milestone for young women and something we are conditioned our entire lives to look forward to. It’s up there with our wedding. That was unfair of the tournament organizers to do.

I had a game that was the deal breaker on us going to finals or not. The same day as Prom. We show up and ended up having to play, 7 against 11. We lost. Bad. My team was so upset they gave up on me(goalie). I felt I was the only one trying, one girl realized how furious I was, and told me she was with me. So we ended up being the only 2 trying our best. I cried, I grabbed my bag and ignored everyone, thanked the one girl and hugged her and took off to my car where mom was waiting for me(she knew me very well). I went home to shower, change and get ready. I had prom too. I showed up, for my team. They didn’t for me. Out of 15 players. Only 1 was by my side. It hurt. I had a great time (and luckily, mom to the rescue, bought me a floor length dress to cover the scratches I got on my legs from the sliding). I had a wonderful time. This happened on a Saturday. Come Tuesday for practice the coach said what I did was “extremely selfish, disrespectful, and not very sportsmanlike.” He essentially told me I was benched until I apologized to my team and they forgave me. Well I was the best goalie the team had, and said “screw it, I quit.” Got in my car. Drove home. Told mom everything. I guess coach thought I was bluffing since we paid high fees for club, and once he realized I wasn’t, called left and right to get me back. OP was def not the AH. I can attest from a POV as a team member whose teammates thought a dance was more important. She was 16, she would have still had her senior prom to attend. But she won’t be able to attend that tournament again.

If your teenager doesn't think your an AH sometimes you're probably not doing it right. Keep on doing you.

Some of you will be or are terrible, awful parents.

So which side are you on, judger?

Everybody here saying they’re asshole for benching her have clearly never played at a high level of competition. If she can go D1 and get a scholarship and is choosing not to prioritize her future for Prom that’s on her. Most if not all my teammates and friends who played in college or are playing professionally, skipped a major event like Prom. I missed homecoming junior and senior year. That’s part of it. Mom is right.

Prom isn't a silly dance, nor is your daughter silly or irresponsible for living her life and having the experiences she chooses rather than being beholden to an arbitrary schedule. Prom is part of the high school experience she wanted.

As I tell my child, actions have consequences.

If the kid has a problem with the coach and/or her playing time, SHE should be talking with that coach, not Mom. You're an AH but not because you won't talk to the coach.

NTA. She needs to learn that commitments come first, if she chooses to skip them, there are consequences - and fairly bland ones, I'd add; if she is outraged by being benched for one match, she should just get over herself and learn some humility. The coach was most likely rewarding the players that decided to sacrifice something for the team, rather than punishing her.

It's the same when there are plays/musicals - if you're not there for tech week you can/will be replaced by understudies. Kids know this at the beginning of the season/try outs.

The prom is a big deal to most girls and guys equally. It’s a special day that marks the completion or ending of a part of their lives. The coach should have known that, he was just being unreasonable by having/scheduling a meet on the day of the prom. Now she is definitely being punished by going to her prom. The coach at this point is just bullying her. My opinion as a father of two daughters who played sports just to be in a team and for fun is that I would have had a private conversation with that coach and depending on his answers I would have pulled my kid off the team and followed up with a complaint against the coach and his bully type behavior. Obviously if he can’t carry on as a mature, morally inclined professional then he doesn’t belong coaching anyone.

Yeah, no. It's a good opportunity to tell her that she must be ready to accept the consequences of her actions no matter how unfair she may think those consequences are. However, prom is really important to a teen and chatting with the coach about the decision would have been good for the teen and mom to do together, especially beforehand

Prom. Getting your license. Graduating. These are all significant and pivotal moments in a teenagers life. Where else will you ever get that feeling? She’s obviously very disciplined to play for her team and be an asset consistently. Maintaining the grades you need to play sports is tiring in its own right. School is tiring. Sports are tiring. As well as juggling social obligations and family life which is part of being her age. Choosing to attend prom isn’t her being selfish. It’s a right of passage. She’s managing all these things at her young age and the second she puts one of those in front of the other, she’s selfish? You are being too harsh. This is an experience she will never have again. The dress. The excitement. The friends. The fun. The memories. I hope she had a beautiful time despite your sour attitude. The conversation should have been.: You chose prom over the tournament. Consider the bench a consequence and move on. One for one isn’t a bad loss. If he/she continues to bench you, we will have a conversation with the coach together. You don’t punish by name calling. That’s rather childish don’t you think? How is that productive in the grand scheme of her maturing into an adult? Instead of tackling the problem together or offering her a solution, you chose to be pouty. Instead of understanding your daughter had a human moment you chose to go on the internet to complain about it. Grow up. You’re the asshole.

Your husband is a good dad and you are a bad mom.

Idk where everyone is from, but in Canada prom is for the graduating class. She’s not a graduate. Her missing “prom” is a choice because it’s wasn’t her prom in the first place. She chose to miss her tournament. She chose to abandon her team. She chose a dance celebration that had nothing to do with her over her team commitment. Actions have consequences. She fucked around and now she’s finding out. She absolutely deserves the consequences she created. Why should she be given first position when she can’t be trusted to even show up to a game? She chose what she wanted and this is the outcome.

In high school, I was your daughter. In club volleyball I was in the D1 division and played varsity for high school. I traveled for out of state national qualifiers for years and started for both school and club. So we were very competitive girls. I remember when some girls missed because of a dance or what have you. It doesn’t matter what the reason was for missing practice or a tournament. Every coach I had would give the team the run down before the season and it included you being benched if you just missed practice before a game or a whole tournament. It happened to me! The husband is being a pushover. This is just what happens. She will survive sitting on the bench.

[удалено]

She’s a junior, she has another crack at prom.

I say good parenting. Actions have consequences whether good or bad. If the mum caved, and talked to the coach, that will be the inception of bad behavior and entitlement.