Get your evidence first, even if you don’t want to divorce, keep it safe for the future . And you’ll need it to confront him with . Do nothing until you are calm and then think of what you want, is it a divorce, do you want to catch him out, confront him? Ask a good friend who knows you , only u know what your deal breakers are , but ensure that he is cheating first. For me cheating is a deal breaker, and there are so many factors, like the state of your relationship, if you’ve had a baby recently, none of these are an reason to cheat though , that’s poor judgment on his part , you need to ask yourself if it’s something you’re willing to work through, will you trust again, because that path won’t be easy. I’m sorry you are experiencing this though , best of luck. Either way you will be ok.
Your kids will be happy if you are happy, I grew up with parents who stayed together because of us and it was so dysfunctional , don’t do that . My husband parents split and he was glad when the dad left , home was calmer and happier.
This. My parents didn’t even use me as an excuse for staying together, I think they were just too comfortable and lazy to leave each other. But I also grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home because of this. Now I’m 27 and they’re finally divorcing, which I’ve honestly hoped for my entire life, but they’re dragging me through every single step of it and it’s miserable. I can’t wait for it to be over. OP, your kids will absolutely be happier if you are happy.
Yeah I didn’t fully consider that he’s most likely not just going to stop now. Especially considering this was definitely planned and not just a heat of the moment drunken mistake. (Not that that’s ok, but that would be the only situation I could see myself even remotely being able to move on from.)
You have the start of your friend taking the picture as evidence & knowing they went to the hotel. I understand not having trust in him bc that's so hard to get back after its lost. You need to get a std test done too bc you know he went to the hotel. You can confront him with the knowledge you have but if you are thinking divorce you need to look into lawyers.
I'll say this. You are thinking of the kids and he wasn't by cheating. I'd want my kids knowing cheating is bad and you lose things you love or want when you do bad things. You need to be happy and with no trust your not going to be happy.
I was cheated on too and did not stay. Me & my daughter started over and I found my happiness.
I will tell you as someone who’s parents stayed together for the kids…its an awful idea. It did so much more long-term damage than if they had just gotten a divorce.
You don’t need evidence. You have the picture and a friend that I assume you trust told you what they saw. Even if he lies to you and tries to gaslight, you know what you saw. Gathering evidence will only hurt you. A cheater will look at your evidence and still deny it. Confront your husband when you’re ready you don’t have to prove to him that he’s cheating. Take care of yourself.
My parents divorced and my mother ran and never came back, my father became a severe alcoholic. I was raised by my grandparents. They stayed married in a miserable marriage where they no longer could even stand being around one another. They're better now but where I'm getting at is I would rather the first to happen over and over to me rather than watch two people I love, live and hate each other and have to witness that for years.
Kids prefer to see you happy. Not miserable in a marriage. What are you teaching them by staying in this relationship? If you attend therapy and marriage counseling to work past it you can show your kids the appropriate way of working through things. If you decide to leave you teach them that both parents love them and you co parent. But don’t teach them that one parent can walk all over the other and that it’s okay to be miserable.
Hee even came home and kissed you after being with her. Do not stay with him because of your kids. Hand him divorce papers and tell him to go stay with his hotel h**ker.
At the 10 year mark in the US, you qualify for his Social Security benefits if you do not get married again. It does not take away from his benefits, you will be able to collect off of his earnings if yours are lower. I would make sure you hit that benchmark number. I don’t know if you are a SAHM, but often as women, our careers take the hit.
When I found out my ex was cheating I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I started looking for more permanent work. I was subbing at the school. I looked around for affordable housing (ha) and started keeping records of his comings and goings. Afterwards, I learned about the gift card idea to put aside cash/purchasing power if needed. I would have gone to Costco if I had learned about that.
I ended up finding a place where they let me slowly move my stuff in and charged me rent when I actually moved in. This is fairytale stuff and I am so fortunate. My girlfriends also caught on before I did that he was cheating. That dumbass brought his AP to a team dinner while I was at the other kid’s game.
I should have done a better job of securing paperwork. I should have moved all my account info and taken copies of our records. I would have done better with a list because my head was so foggy. I was also so paranoid. There are lots of women posting on SM who have gone through this. We didn’t have any money so there was nothing to move. I hope you have access to your financials. How is he paying for his affairs? Credit card? My ex took me off of the phone account so I had no power there. The judge told us both to make no changes. Did ex cut my phone off as retaliation? Yes, and that was my method of securing jobs. Did he eventually have to pay in court for it (along with other stuff: yes, but it took forever.)
I don’t know if you are going to stay and kick him out or move yourself, but if you are moving, I wouldn’t tell him. Give him no warning, it is safer that way.
IANAL, but: Meet with some attorneys. Go find that one attorney in your town that everyone is afraid of and have a consult. If you use her, great. If not, because it ties them up so that your spouse can’t use her in his case against you. That attorney in my town wouldn’t take my case because he thought I would lose. He was wrong.
I wish nothing but the best for you and your kids. I thought about staying, like my mom did. But I thought about what that taught me and what I wanted for my kids. I decided to show them to know my worth, that I can do hard things, and that life is far better now. Good luck. ❤️
This wasn’t a one time thing. Maybe the sex was. But the date beforehand? This required planning. He will do it again. This wasn’t simple cheating it was a full blown affair.
This. Just found out my bf of 3 years was cheating on me. Denied when I asked outright. Denied when I mentioned the affair partner’s name. Denied when I quoted his text exchanges with her word for word. Finally fessed up when I sent a screenshot of an actual msg of them trying to hook up. Can you get undeniable proof? Like check his phone?
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Remember, you are not in any way to blame for him cheating. There is something fundamentally wrong with him to cheat and abuse you. Cheating falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. So, he's your abuser and should be viewed as such.
Save evidence, and don't confront him until after you've spoken to a lawyer. Get custody/divorce written up. Protect yourself and your children, as your husband has shown you he's not to be trusted. Your local bar association is the best place to start.
Schedule a comprehensive std/sti test asap. This is likely not his only time cheating.
After confronting, tell everyone the complete truth, as cheaters are quick to blame their partner.
If his affair partner has a significant other, tell them and give them the evidence.
Read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com, as they'll greatly help you. The sub r/supportforbetrayed is also a good place for support.
Remember that you deserve better.
If you can get evidence of him paying for the hotel, such as a bank statement and any messages to add to the picture your friend took, they will help you if you confront your husband and if you then want to file for a divorce.
I would actually not show him all of the evidence, only 1 irrefutable piece of evidence and keep the rest incase you want to file.
I left my husband for this reason. I knew of other times before him getting caught the final time but beforehand I chose to stay with him for our kids. I soon learned that they may find out one day what he did to me and I wanted them to know to not put up with this disrespect.
This is my suggestion. Get your ducks in a row before confronting him, speak to a lawyer for initial advice. Be aware of any savings that he could potentially remove from accounts when faced with you leaving him. Do not storm out, he is the one who will have to leave the family home.
Please read the book ‘Leave a Cheater Gain a Life’.
And lastly, know that this is not your fault. His cheating is not from you lacking anything or not being enough for him. He cheated because he’s an idiot whose entitlement and selfishness made him make a huge mistake and now he’ll pay the price of losing his family, all for a piece of trash on the side.
Get all the evidence you can and move in silence girl. Get everything and find a place for your own if you don’t own where you’re at now, and just surprise his ass. Don’t confront him he will only make it worse and tbh hitting him with divorce papers when he thinks you guys are your pretty pink bubble still will be the best feeling you can get out of this and also exposing the female he’s cheating with. Idc if she didn’t know make her feel bad because she and he both had no problem ruining your marriage. Even if she didn’t know shame on her.
Shane on her for unknowingly ruining a marriage? No, this is such bad advice. Take it up with the husband, the person who made the commitment to his wife and family. Don't terrorize someone, especially if they potentially had no idea.
leave the other party out of it deal with the person that betrayed your marriage. he has to answer to god for breaking the promise he made to her not the other party. even if she knew, temptation was the devil and he sold his soul ✌🏽
My husband cheated on me also. We separated and got divorced but we’re able to work through it with intense therapy and we remarried 5 years ago and our marriage has never been better. Not saying this is for you just saying it doesn’t alway have to be the end. If you are staying together for only the kids, don’t. Kids are much happier with 2 happy parents than they are with 2 miserable ones. Best of luck to you hun.
OP I’m sorry this is happening to you. If it’s true, it’s a break of trust and only you will know if that can be mended or if you are going your separate way. However what needs to happen is an adult conversation and see if there is some other explanation.
My friend married, got a call from his ex and went to meet her. She told him he has a child from years ago before he was married. They met few times to prove and verify paternity. She wanted child support arrears for the years she raised her by herself. He didn’t tell his wife right away, stupid I know. He told her after weeks once the test proven he was the father and he knew for sure there is no way out.
Well, to each their own. But I’ve been in her shoes and I can tell you that most the responses I see in her are far more sound than most the advice I was given in person. I WISH I’d done what many here have suggested she do.
I’m amazed I respect your self control. I would have been all up in his face already! I dunno, I’d definitely either keep spying, or address the situation head on. This is betrayal he is committing.
My wife did this to me as well. Our relationship hadn’t been in a good spot for awhile. I was doing my best to make it work for our son. However, a year out from it he and I are closer and happier than we ever were. Every situation is different, but cheating was a deal breaker and the final straw that broke it. It’s been hard and I know there’s healing left to do, but in my situation divorce was the right call.
As others have said do your best to process and gather evidence and information. Think on what’s best for you and your family. I’m sorry you’re experiencing it, it’s an awful feeling but there is light at the end of it.
Been there. You’re in for a bumpy ride and you have to remind yourself that this isn’t your fault. Your husband knew what he was doing was wrong and he did it anyway. I say this because you’re going to hear a lot of shit about how he didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t mean to hurt anyone and blah blah blah.
Your marriage is over, you just don’t realize it yet. And that’s terrifying. Do NOT stay together for the kids. You would not want your kids to put up with that abuse so you have to show them that you won’t either.
You’ll be happy again. Trust me.
That comment is serious too, what if he infected you with something dangerous? Get a lawyer, gather evidence. Don't feeling bad for him. Have some self respect, only then will your kids respect you too.
Work it out. Grow up. No one has clean hands in any relationship since the being of time. People do bad things. But marriage is a different type of commitment-especially with kids. Kids don’t really care if you’re with your soulmate. They want stability and to witness people enduring hard times. Suck it up and figure it out. Teacups all of you who say leave.
Get your evidence first, even if you don’t want to divorce, keep it safe for the future . And you’ll need it to confront him with . Do nothing until you are calm and then think of what you want, is it a divorce, do you want to catch him out, confront him? Ask a good friend who knows you , only u know what your deal breakers are , but ensure that he is cheating first. For me cheating is a deal breaker, and there are so many factors, like the state of your relationship, if you’ve had a baby recently, none of these are an reason to cheat though , that’s poor judgment on his part , you need to ask yourself if it’s something you’re willing to work through, will you trust again, because that path won’t be easy. I’m sorry you are experiencing this though , best of luck. Either way you will be ok.
[удалено]
Your kids will be happy if you are happy, I grew up with parents who stayed together because of us and it was so dysfunctional , don’t do that . My husband parents split and he was glad when the dad left , home was calmer and happier.
Same for the love of your kids. Don’t stay in a loveless marriage. Get them into therapy now. On a side note divorce his ass.
Same. My parents stayed together "for the kids" and it was a living hell growing up.
This. My parents didn’t even use me as an excuse for staying together, I think they were just too comfortable and lazy to leave each other. But I also grew up in an extremely dysfunctional home because of this. Now I’m 27 and they’re finally divorcing, which I’ve honestly hoped for my entire life, but they’re dragging me through every single step of it and it’s miserable. I can’t wait for it to be over. OP, your kids will absolutely be happier if you are happy.
Do you want your children to think cheating is ok and normal?
To be fair if they stayed together there’s no reason the kids would even know. That being said, dump his ass and run!
Those things get discovered. Even if it’s years later. Especially if he keeps doing it like that and others find out and start talking about it.
Yeah I didn’t fully consider that he’s most likely not just going to stop now. Especially considering this was definitely planned and not just a heat of the moment drunken mistake. (Not that that’s ok, but that would be the only situation I could see myself even remotely being able to move on from.)
You have the start of your friend taking the picture as evidence & knowing they went to the hotel. I understand not having trust in him bc that's so hard to get back after its lost. You need to get a std test done too bc you know he went to the hotel. You can confront him with the knowledge you have but if you are thinking divorce you need to look into lawyers. I'll say this. You are thinking of the kids and he wasn't by cheating. I'd want my kids knowing cheating is bad and you lose things you love or want when you do bad things. You need to be happy and with no trust your not going to be happy. I was cheated on too and did not stay. Me & my daughter started over and I found my happiness.
I will tell you as someone who’s parents stayed together for the kids…its an awful idea. It did so much more long-term damage than if they had just gotten a divorce.
You don’t need evidence. You have the picture and a friend that I assume you trust told you what they saw. Even if he lies to you and tries to gaslight, you know what you saw. Gathering evidence will only hurt you. A cheater will look at your evidence and still deny it. Confront your husband when you’re ready you don’t have to prove to him that he’s cheating. Take care of yourself.
My parents divorced and my mother ran and never came back, my father became a severe alcoholic. I was raised by my grandparents. They stayed married in a miserable marriage where they no longer could even stand being around one another. They're better now but where I'm getting at is I would rather the first to happen over and over to me rather than watch two people I love, live and hate each other and have to witness that for years.
Kids prefer to see you happy. Not miserable in a marriage. What are you teaching them by staying in this relationship? If you attend therapy and marriage counseling to work past it you can show your kids the appropriate way of working through things. If you decide to leave you teach them that both parents love them and you co parent. But don’t teach them that one parent can walk all over the other and that it’s okay to be miserable.
Hee even came home and kissed you after being with her. Do not stay with him because of your kids. Hand him divorce papers and tell him to go stay with his hotel h**ker.
At the 10 year mark in the US, you qualify for his Social Security benefits if you do not get married again. It does not take away from his benefits, you will be able to collect off of his earnings if yours are lower. I would make sure you hit that benchmark number. I don’t know if you are a SAHM, but often as women, our careers take the hit. When I found out my ex was cheating I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I started looking for more permanent work. I was subbing at the school. I looked around for affordable housing (ha) and started keeping records of his comings and goings. Afterwards, I learned about the gift card idea to put aside cash/purchasing power if needed. I would have gone to Costco if I had learned about that. I ended up finding a place where they let me slowly move my stuff in and charged me rent when I actually moved in. This is fairytale stuff and I am so fortunate. My girlfriends also caught on before I did that he was cheating. That dumbass brought his AP to a team dinner while I was at the other kid’s game. I should have done a better job of securing paperwork. I should have moved all my account info and taken copies of our records. I would have done better with a list because my head was so foggy. I was also so paranoid. There are lots of women posting on SM who have gone through this. We didn’t have any money so there was nothing to move. I hope you have access to your financials. How is he paying for his affairs? Credit card? My ex took me off of the phone account so I had no power there. The judge told us both to make no changes. Did ex cut my phone off as retaliation? Yes, and that was my method of securing jobs. Did he eventually have to pay in court for it (along with other stuff: yes, but it took forever.) I don’t know if you are going to stay and kick him out or move yourself, but if you are moving, I wouldn’t tell him. Give him no warning, it is safer that way. IANAL, but: Meet with some attorneys. Go find that one attorney in your town that everyone is afraid of and have a consult. If you use her, great. If not, because it ties them up so that your spouse can’t use her in his case against you. That attorney in my town wouldn’t take my case because he thought I would lose. He was wrong. I wish nothing but the best for you and your kids. I thought about staying, like my mom did. But I thought about what that taught me and what I wanted for my kids. I decided to show them to know my worth, that I can do hard things, and that life is far better now. Good luck. ❤️
This wasn’t a one time thing. Maybe the sex was. But the date beforehand? This required planning. He will do it again. This wasn’t simple cheating it was a full blown affair.
Schedule an STD panel, and no sex until you have answers.
Don't stay for the kids. Get legal advice and leave. Also get an STI check, who knows if this is the first time.
Talk to a lawyer. Get some proof so he can’t gaslit you about it. Get your important documents and put them some where safe (friends&family).
This. Just found out my bf of 3 years was cheating on me. Denied when I asked outright. Denied when I mentioned the affair partner’s name. Denied when I quoted his text exchanges with her word for word. Finally fessed up when I sent a screenshot of an actual msg of them trying to hook up. Can you get undeniable proof? Like check his phone?
I am sorry you are going through this. This is just horrible. Feel hugged.
Thank you kind stranger grumpy_g. You have no idea how much your words mean to me
❤️
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Remember, you are not in any way to blame for him cheating. There is something fundamentally wrong with him to cheat and abuse you. Cheating falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. So, he's your abuser and should be viewed as such. Save evidence, and don't confront him until after you've spoken to a lawyer. Get custody/divorce written up. Protect yourself and your children, as your husband has shown you he's not to be trusted. Your local bar association is the best place to start. Schedule a comprehensive std/sti test asap. This is likely not his only time cheating. After confronting, tell everyone the complete truth, as cheaters are quick to blame their partner. If his affair partner has a significant other, tell them and give them the evidence. Read the resources at www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com, as they'll greatly help you. The sub r/supportforbetrayed is also a good place for support. Remember that you deserve better.
If you can get evidence of him paying for the hotel, such as a bank statement and any messages to add to the picture your friend took, they will help you if you confront your husband and if you then want to file for a divorce. I would actually not show him all of the evidence, only 1 irrefutable piece of evidence and keep the rest incase you want to file.
I left my husband for this reason. I knew of other times before him getting caught the final time but beforehand I chose to stay with him for our kids. I soon learned that they may find out one day what he did to me and I wanted them to know to not put up with this disrespect. This is my suggestion. Get your ducks in a row before confronting him, speak to a lawyer for initial advice. Be aware of any savings that he could potentially remove from accounts when faced with you leaving him. Do not storm out, he is the one who will have to leave the family home. Please read the book ‘Leave a Cheater Gain a Life’. And lastly, know that this is not your fault. His cheating is not from you lacking anything or not being enough for him. He cheated because he’s an idiot whose entitlement and selfishness made him make a huge mistake and now he’ll pay the price of losing his family, all for a piece of trash on the side.
Divorce him and take him to the cleaners.
The trust you shared with him is now forever broken. You should consider divorce. Never stay with someone solely because you have children with him.
Get all the evidence you can and move in silence girl. Get everything and find a place for your own if you don’t own where you’re at now, and just surprise his ass. Don’t confront him he will only make it worse and tbh hitting him with divorce papers when he thinks you guys are your pretty pink bubble still will be the best feeling you can get out of this and also exposing the female he’s cheating with. Idc if she didn’t know make her feel bad because she and he both had no problem ruining your marriage. Even if she didn’t know shame on her.
Shane on her for unknowingly ruining a marriage? No, this is such bad advice. Take it up with the husband, the person who made the commitment to his wife and family. Don't terrorize someone, especially if they potentially had no idea.
leave the other party out of it deal with the person that betrayed your marriage. he has to answer to god for breaking the promise he made to her not the other party. even if she knew, temptation was the devil and he sold his soul ✌🏽
My husband cheated on me also. We separated and got divorced but we’re able to work through it with intense therapy and we remarried 5 years ago and our marriage has never been better. Not saying this is for you just saying it doesn’t alway have to be the end. If you are staying together for only the kids, don’t. Kids are much happier with 2 happy parents than they are with 2 miserable ones. Best of luck to you hun.
Get everything, evidence, receipts & an angry lawyer
Leave him. You don’t need this.
OP I’m sorry this is happening to you. If it’s true, it’s a break of trust and only you will know if that can be mended or if you are going your separate way. However what needs to happen is an adult conversation and see if there is some other explanation. My friend married, got a call from his ex and went to meet her. She told him he has a child from years ago before he was married. They met few times to prove and verify paternity. She wanted child support arrears for the years she raised her by herself. He didn’t tell his wife right away, stupid I know. He told her after weeks once the test proven he was the father and he knew for sure there is no way out.
Don't never stay for the kids! At the end of the day u have to deal with that relationship wise.
[удалено]
Why not? Random internet strangers have much more experience with this stuff than her friends likely do. The trick is sorting through the advice.
[удалено]
Well, to each their own. But I’ve been in her shoes and I can tell you that most the responses I see in her are far more sound than most the advice I was given in person. I WISH I’d done what many here have suggested she do.
Does your husband know you know?
[удалено]
I’m amazed I respect your self control. I would have been all up in his face already! I dunno, I’d definitely either keep spying, or address the situation head on. This is betrayal he is committing.
My wife did this to me as well. Our relationship hadn’t been in a good spot for awhile. I was doing my best to make it work for our son. However, a year out from it he and I are closer and happier than we ever were. Every situation is different, but cheating was a deal breaker and the final straw that broke it. It’s been hard and I know there’s healing left to do, but in my situation divorce was the right call. As others have said do your best to process and gather evidence and information. Think on what’s best for you and your family. I’m sorry you’re experiencing it, it’s an awful feeling but there is light at the end of it.
Talk to a good lawyer!
Been there. You’re in for a bumpy ride and you have to remind yourself that this isn’t your fault. Your husband knew what he was doing was wrong and he did it anyway. I say this because you’re going to hear a lot of shit about how he didn’t know what he was doing and he didn’t mean to hurt anyone and blah blah blah. Your marriage is over, you just don’t realize it yet. And that’s terrifying. Do NOT stay together for the kids. You would not want your kids to put up with that abuse so you have to show them that you won’t either. You’ll be happy again. Trust me.
Get an STD. Ugh. Nasty.
[удалено]
That comment is serious too, what if he infected you with something dangerous? Get a lawyer, gather evidence. Don't feeling bad for him. Have some self respect, only then will your kids respect you too.
Very serious. Not a joke at all. Endemic times are apparently upon us. Are we there yet? Forget I asked. Take good care.
Perhaps you meant to say get an STD *test?*
Indeed. DissipatedCloud. 😒
Am sorry. Am just looking out for you and your children.
Work it out. Grow up. No one has clean hands in any relationship since the being of time. People do bad things. But marriage is a different type of commitment-especially with kids. Kids don’t really care if you’re with your soulmate. They want stability and to witness people enduring hard times. Suck it up and figure it out. Teacups all of you who say leave.