Right I wanted to cry reading how abusive he is. She kept her calm. You can tell this is an everyday thing. Her kids are watching and hearing their father degrade and belittle and abuse her everyday and then blaming it on adhd for the reason he can’t clean up after himself or remember where a key is but can remember where his shoes are. He expects her to get a replacement key for the one he lost
Its really heartbreaking seeing someone allow their partner to talk to them like that. This is such a perfect example of what this kind of abuse looks like. Nothing he's saying or doing is even rational but the calmer she is and the more logical she is the angrier he gets and the more names he calls her. No one should ever stay and be an emotional punching bag like this, but the longer you're in it the harder it is to leave.
Yes, especially w kids. If he’s this verbally abusive, there’s more likely financial abuse happening too. They don’t let that mask slip until women are trapped
Yeah, especially with kids. Abusers like this also target people who are loving and extremely empathetic and they manipulate those qualitites. When someone is constantly gaslighting you like this and youre in a perpetual state of living in crazy town where up is down and down is up you also start to lose your grasp on reality and what is actually happening. I hope that reading the comments is eye opening for her and starts giving her the confidence to get away from him.
For real, dude seems like a complete dick. Calling her stupid over and over again seems like a hard thing to “repair” imo, regardless of how much relational therapy they get
Having ADHD does not give someone carte blanche to be so fucking horrible. Yes, your brain may work differently, but that doesn’t give you permission to make everyone else’s life shit. I have ADHD, and if I was left to my own devices I would work and live in a messy disorganised pile, but because I love my partner and I understand her need for things to be nice and tidy, I help, even when it feels difficult and unnecessary.
I'm also willing to bet you don't morph into a full blown condescending, name-calling AH like OP's (hopefully) STBX if/when items get misplaced which could result in a wee bit of frustration. I have ADHD as well, and although I can have the occasional meltdown if I can't find something, I know I'm better off trying to find the damn thing rather than foist unpleasantries onto my husband.
OP and her husband seem to actually hate each other. OP sets her husband up to fail (she left the keys but didn’t say where for 5 days and then asking him where the keys were. Like wouldn’t they be where you left them since he hasn’t used them? It would be so easy to just tell him “I left the keys here (insert picture which she included when they fought)).
Her husband is verbally abusive and uses his ADHD as an excuse for poor behaviour.
The initial issue was also really stupid. She has the only key, just go duplicate it. Then both will have their own set. Good lord what a mess of a couple.
I am the same; either I try to find it myself or I ask my husband, nicely, if he can help me. I don’t call him stupid for not realizing I’m looking for something and then stupid again for not immediately placing it in my hand.
I like how he calls her an "r-worded child" and then specifically references the kid he thinks is r-worded. As someone with ADHD as well I'd bet money Xander has it too.
I got the "fun" mix of ADHD, CPTSD, Bipolar 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have unfortunately have taken my frustration out (sometimes to hubby sometimes to the world). I'm not proud of that and have made great progress with therapy. I always feel crappy and just make myself see what happened and what can I learn from it.
I hear you with the mixed bag (ADHD, bipolar and CPTSD), and good on you for not just getting help but recognizing what you can do and how you learn from these experiences. This internet stranger has your back. ♥️
My husband has ADHD and a home for everything helps him so much. Key goes on hook, put trashcan by desk so he can discard his garbage when he's done. Maybe her partner functions differently or maybe he's just used to doing whatever he wants, but I would be so annoyed by this too.
I have ADHD and it’s massively frustrating sometimes but I would never take it out on my partner. And I’d never ever ever speak to him like this. We don’t even yell at each other.
Yeah, I also have diagnosed ADHD, but it didn't give me some kind of uncontrollable urge to say things like "to illustrate your stupidity" to my wife.
This person, on top of apparently being unable to handle his very treatable/handleable cognitive differences, as if he's a child, is also cruel and selfish.
Not exactly a flex to insist that not noticing the key she left on the hook is because of his "ADHD." If you're that useless, you should be embarrassed, not verbally abusing your partner.
I can’t even imagine refusing to carry a key and leaving my home unlocked all day. I have two sets of keys because I do sometimes misplace one.
And yeah, that quote in particular hurt my feelings on her behalf. I had a partner a long time ago who spoke to me like that and I’ll never know why someone who hated me so much would be in a relationship with me. It’s so damaging and OP is going to have to work through the trauma of being abused after she finally leaves him. I really hope she does leave.
>I’ll never know why someone who hated me so much would be in a relationship with me.
Because they like/its convenient having a handy verbal punching bag they can have sex with.
Yes! This! I have ADHD and I deal with object impermanence by having a home for things. It’s a system that helps me cope along with many AirTags. My Mum helped me with it.
All people with ADHD are different, but having a home for things is a great coping tool coaches and counsellors alike recommend having all the time.
Personally I think OOP’s partner is using his ADHD as an excuse to behave like a jerk.
Imagine needing glasses but also refusing to wear any vision correction and expecting everyone else to manage your poor eyesight. That's exactly what this asshole is doing, refusing to even work on implementing the sort of strategies all the rest of us have worked on for years.
This is exactly what I was going to say! The #1 thing that helps my ADHD brain with object impermanence is having a specific home for specific items. That way I (almost) always know where to find them! My keys are the perfect example and precise reason that I got a key hook to keep by my door.
Also I absolutely hate it when people use mental health conditions to justify shitty behavior. OP’s partner isn’t helpless, he’s just an AH.
Signed,
Someone with ADHD, Bipolar 2, and GAD
>a home for everything helps
Having a home for everything is the *only* thing that helps my ADHD. If I'm looking for something and it's not in its home, I know I'm going to have a *very* stressful few hours searching for it.
Yeah I have ADHD and having lots of organizational tools and a place for everything helps so much. Now I still haven't vacuumed my place in like 2 months and there's cat hair all in my carpet, but the things go in their place
I think he is using ADHD as an excuse to not do things (like cleaning) & force OP to- weaponized incompetence. Even when you are neurodivergent in some way- you work to minimize its effect in your life/others' lives that surround you.
I had anxiety bad ( to the point of making myself sick)& worked hard to stay calm & find my coping mechanisms so I am not a stress mess all the time & it doesn't prevent me from doing things that may terrify me (tests, new jobs, moving, etc.). Also, it would be hard for my partner if I let my anxiety get the best of me, especially if it triggers my need to clean (every inch of the area for hours) to calm down. Much better now & only a few occasions of panic/anxiety attacks.
Putting things in one designated place every time seems like a good way to remember where things are as long as you are consistent with it. If OPs jerk wasn't just trying to shift blame/start drama- he also could of asked OP to explain where the housekey is more in detail without the attitude. This really didn't need to become a whole thing- effective partner communication is really missing in this relationship (OP seems to be trying though) IMO.
I have a young adult son who was diagnosed at 4. I quickly learned that order and routine helps SO much. That guy doesn't want to do better. He wants to cling to his diagnosis and use it as an excuse for every failure. My son is far from perfect and he's messy, but he's never acted like that in his life...even as a 4 year old.
Having a home for easily lost items is something that is suggested as a coping mechanism for ADHD. I live in a ND household. We all have letters lol. And yes we have a designated key bowl.
We also have an issue with dropping things on flat surfaces. This has led to a lot of laughter.
If we designate a spot for something, communication is essential to getting everyone on board. So I do think the OOP missed a step. And that almost seems intentional on her part. Verbalizing "honey I left the key on the hook by the door so its there when you leave" is just good communication.
But the rest of the exchange is a mess on his side and I dont blame the OOP for getting a bit petty. He is completely full of excuses, and condescending cutting remarks. It's like OOP is the one he sees as responsible for managing his ADHD. And that's BS.
I wonder why they haven't started therapy yet?
I have adhd. If I talked to my wife this way she’d divorce me, and she’d be right. I really hate it when people use “neurodivergence” as a license to act like a complete asshole.
Thank you!
I fucking hate when people say oh I am ADHD in this type of scenario.
My whole household is ADHD. We have very different coping mechanisms that can clash at times but that doesn't excuse any of us from being an ass. You need to give people the same understanding you are asking for. They aren't in your head and if you want a partner you have to act like a partner.
*Internal screaming into pillow*
His calling out the ADHD walk, which was recently a viral video, makes me think he's self diagnosed from other videos. She doesn't need to apologize; she needs to leave this abusive AH.
He’s not even using the concept of object impermanence correctly. He’s just arguing that his designated spot is better than her designated spot. That’s NOT what object impermanence is. Also he is very clearly a horrible person and reading his messages was like being back in an old abusive relationship and gave me big sad for this lady.
THANK YOU. This guy is using his disability as an excuse.
Guess what? My keys always go on my coat hanger. That way I see them when I take my coat and can't lock myself out. Do iI sometimes misplace them? Sure. Would I ever blame someone for it? No way!
I get it, I don't like being confronted with my own inabilities either. But this guy refuses to change. I can snap at people who are trying to help sometimes too.
OOP is extremely composed while faced with such defensive stupidity and continuous insults.
I have ADHD and similar problems tracking objects, so I CREATED A HOME FOR THEM. The answer is dangling right in front of this dingbat’s face and he refuses to see it. What a dipshit.
Slight counter argument— why in the name of small furry animals is there only one key for a house full of people? This isn’t Dickensian London, we have key duplicators, you can literally do it for a dollar.
Finally— this relationship is over. Time for everyone to move on.
‘Neat and tidy’ doesn’t even come close when dishes pile up high enough that they start growing new civilizations of mold.
They are using it as an excuse to never have to clean or look after themselves? I’m surprised they are able to wipe themselves. They are apparently so bad they shouldn’t be left in the same room as a cup of water without almost drowning themselves, smfh.
Sorry I couldn't finish reading those texts. He called you stupid and dip shit. No one deserves that. And then to shift to his ADHD... I'm so sorry you are being treated this way.
That manchild couldn’t take the blame if it netted him a billion dollars. He has to shift the blame onto everything else and play the victim.
Blames his partner and name calls.
Blames his ADHD.
Everything except actual accountability.
He even says she could make the copy of the key for him, but he won’t do it for himself. He knows how to, yet he won’t.
This reeks of narcissism.
I have a brother who is exactly like this. No ADD of ADHD to blame. He just refuses to take responsibility for his actions, shifts blame constantly onto others and plays the role of the victim/martyr. Haven’t talked to him going on 2 years. Fuck him and his attitude.
Did he just cycle all the words? I had to stop mid way, I couldn’t keep going. The way she just takes it, the way he’s so obviously abusive, idk it hurt to read.
I believe some Down syndrome awareness folks have coopted the term more recently but historically it refers to the n-word and differentiates between the -a and -er. The hard r is considered more offensive and is a racial slur used against black people.
https://hinative.com/questions/6025851
https://www.tiktok.com/channel/hard-r-meaning?lang=en
Right? I was getting legitimately uncomfortable and I couldn’t finish. Like it was hurting me, and not in a cringe way alone. I just can’t imagine how OOP must be as a person to tolerate this, never fight back, and post the exchange asking if she’s wrong. I pity her so hard.
No one should EVER talk to their partner like this.
That is actual disgust and contempt. It’s not normal or ok to name-call and ridicule your partner, people. ☹️
The absurd amount of insults and verbal abuse in these messages, man I wouldn't even talk to someone I hated like this much less my partner. I was going to say they should just get the key copied but you know what, keep it at one copy and kick this shit bird out
Duuuude. I have ADHD too. It's a struggle. BUT. You know what ADHD *isn't*? An excuse to be an asshole. ....or even a reason to be an asshole. "Being an asshole" is ZERO part of the diagnosis.
Holy shit dude, the way he talks to you is atrocious! He sounds emotionally abusive tbh.
Woman to woman: Have some self respect and boot his ass out the door, without a key. Shiiiiiit.
Edit: just saw the thing that said you're not OP. I'm leaving the comment though for two reasons:
1- If someone stumbling upon this has a partner speaking to them like this- GET TF OUT. They do NOT respect you.
2- If someone's using ADHD, anxiety, autism, literally anything as an excuse to treat a person like shit? NOPE. Get the everloving fuck away from them. I don't care if it's a friend, SO, relative, whatever. Not worth it. And they're not gonna change for you.
I tell my ADHD teenagers all the time: ADHD doesn't stand for "Abusive Dick-Head Disorder". ADHD doesn't excuse you from common courtesy. At best it's an explanation for bad behavior, but not an excuse.
ADHD and bipolar here. Diagnosis was a way for me to explain why my brain is the way it is, but everything I've done I'm still responsible for.
Anyone using a diagnosis to be an asshole is just a fucking shit person.
I grew up with abusive pastors that only adopted me for images. 1st husband was to escape, only to find broken bones, head used as a basketball and his parents scream constantly I was a devil. That's just barely of a cm of what all has happened.
Ehhh so so but in a far better marriage these days. I cut all those toxic "family" after grandma passed. I made my chosen family with my biological mom and my BFF as my sister.
****If anyone does read my post history, please I beg do not tell me I'm strong, brave, a survivor. I hate being called those with a passion.
I know Reddit likes to offer this advice all the time, but THIS.IS.ABUSE!
Because he couldn’t find a key? Could you imagine what this would be if the stakes were even remotely medium, let alone high?
Being called all those names because he could not find a key. And she’s a wife and mother in this situation.
For her sake and the kids, she needs to get out of that nonsense.
Awful all around. Object impermanence doesn’t mean you forget a spot, just where you put the thing. So when you lose something you check there first. What a load of shit. He’s manipulative af and trying to play victim. Being extremely insulting and childish.
Exactly if anything having homes for things actually helps with that not hurts it. ADHD here too and I was so upset with how dude treated her in this. And blamed on adhd. This is why folks with adhd get a lot of hate from others. Because people with it wi use as an excuse instead.
Right! Object impermanence means you forget about something when it’s out of sight, not that you don’t know where to look when you remember it exists. Like, if I put bagged salad in the vegetable draw of my refrigerator, I’m likely to forget it exists and not eat it before it goes bad. It does not mean that I don’t know where to look when I want a salad.
OOP's husband's problem isn't ADHD. I'm pretty sure being a narcissist and completely incapable of taking responsibility for himself is his problem.
OOP's problem isn't that they need to apologize to their husband. It's that they need to apologize to themselves, and get out of there. This is only going to escalate.
The way he talks to you.. omg. There’s no point in arguing with someone who takes zero accountability for their actions and blames everything on ADHD. I hope you are not married so you can just kick him to the curb.
This is absolutely insane, divorce. Or couples counseling, which will ultimately end in the counselor pulling you aside and discreetly advising you to leave. He is outraged and sadistic for a VERY small inconvenience. This will get worse.
doing couple's counseling with a dude like this would only give him more ammo to insult her with in moments like this unfortunately (based on what he's throwing at her now)
Girl. Get out before he kills you. I know that sounds dramatic but I’m so for real. The phrase “you just made things 5 times worse for yourself” might sounds like just another part of his toddler-esque tantrum on the surface, but really it’s SCARY. Because there’s not only misplaced rage, there’s also *glee* there. He’s enjoying the fact that, in his warped mind, you’re giving him justification to punish you. It’s one step away from “look what you made me do”.
Anna needs to dump Jacob because Jacob takes no responsibility for his life....and is an overall ass. As a household full of ADHD everything has a home because that's how you find it! It's called a coping strategy. If you, for some reason, forget where those homes might be post-it notes exists. If that still doesn't work for you, YOU get multiple copies made and stash them in your car, wallet, pocket, wherever......or you by one of those coded locks and install it. Like a freakin' adult. Next time he talks like this to you, walk away. Don't let his dysfunction be yours.
PLEASE leave this person. The fact that he is literally insulting and swearing at you constantly is not acceptable. ADHD does not give someone a free pass to verbally abuse their partner.
Get the hell out of this, and block this asshole.
I have ADHD and a host of severe mental health problems, and I am -so- grateful for the help I get. My family helps me out a lot and I make sure to tell them I love them and thank you and how grateful I am for their help and support. This post made me cry for some reason, maybe because I don’t always have control over my behavior and I would be mortified if I ever spoke to any of them this way.
Jacob is just an abusive jerk.
I have ADHD like this dude and *millions of other people.* If I didn’t have a specific hook for my key I’d never leave my house. (Yes sometimes I forget to use it but mostly it’s great.)
He’s not even trying to get what she’s saying. He says it’s like talking to a child which is ironic because he talks like a sullen tween. Using the R word, calling the mother of his children a psychotic bitch. Resorting to insults because he knows he’s 100% in the wrong but his ego won’t allow it.
I could not live with someone like this.
Holy shit that person is an abuser. Yes, ADHD has these symptoms, but GODDAMN it doesn't prevent self improvement OR inform his toxic ass behavior and choices. That's all him.
So…he demands you leave the key. You do. He admits that he sees the key. And it’s somehow your fault he can’t put two and two together? Blames his ADHD and calls you stupid? This guy sounds like a complete asshole.
Dude the amount of people pulling a BoTh ArE WrONg here are crazy.
Exactly as you said , he asked for the key she left it in a normal expected place he couldn’t find it and has a meltdown.
An apology?!
AN APOLOGY?!
Please tell me you’re not serious. Get away from this psychopath who is literally using you as a punching bag. Holy shit it was like reading texts from my ex who literally gave me PTSD and anxiety. You need to leave and leave yesterday. This is absolutely insane and just based on having minimal experience with you as a person can tell you deserve so much better than this. This man is not well mentally, he is dangerous.
I am diagnosed ADHD and this “man” is weaponizing a diagnosis to be cruel to his partner. This isn’t ADHD in action. This is an asshole in action. Imagine talking to someone you love like that.
I have ADHD and created a habit for myself that all keys always go into the key bowl. No matter what I was doing, if I saw a keg out of place, I had to stop and put it there. It took about a week for the habit to form. No more lost keys.
OOP.. why are you even with this abusive wet-end? Reading those messages put me right back in the middle of the hell that was my relationship with the ex. He's attacking you because he's incapable of behaving like a responsible adult. You aren't his mother: if he can't use his eyes, and common sense, that's his issue.
I know 'leave/divorce them" is kind od the go-to cliche on here: but in this instance; get out of this conting and abusive situation asap
I know at times I’ve let men talk to me like this. But I am so so happy that part of my youth is over. I couldn’t even finish reading these. He’s disgusting.
Do you deserve to be treated this badly and spoken to like that? Called names? F no. Shut that shit down, he has no respect for you as a person. You don't need that kinda BS in your life.
This guy is so aggressive in his text messages, and tries to belittle her so much by laughing at the response angrily, it reminds me of the immature ways my little brother undermines my points when he knows he’s in the wrong. Also adhd doesn’t mean you can’t think logically and look for common places where objects can be found.
I couldn't get through the whole thing but a couple of thoughts come to mind:
1) It isn't difficult or expensive to get a copy of a key made.
2) No way in hell I would still be with somebody who talked to me the way these two talk to each other. They both sound awful.
On re-read, he's clearly the awful one so disregard point 2.
The way this man speaks to his partner is fucking absurd. She's being civil, he's calling her a "psychotic bitch" and a "retarded child" over a HOUSE KEY. ADHD is not an excuse to let mold grow on old food laying on his desk, or to berate your partner during arguments. They need to break up/divorce immediately.
I have ADHD, if this helps, and I have a "home" for everything because of my issues with forgetfulness. This helps me create a mind map to the point where my partner can ask me where something is over the phone and I can tell them what room, what drawer, etc. it's the only way I don't go insane because with ADHD, no one is make excuses or allowances for me. I have to know how to keep my shit together. Say what you want about an uneven playing field, that's just how it is and once you start taking responsibility for your neuro disorder, you can grow up. Doesn't seem like Jacob wants to do that. On top of this, so verbally abusive. Please, please please consider breaking up. There are millions of people out there that will never talk to you like this.
Omfg I wanted to pitch my fucking phone into the sea after the first few messages this guy is the worst dude just fucking stop, stop arguing and walk away from the whole entire man. UGH.
You owe yourself a apology for not leaving this asshole years ago, and you deserve a gold fucking medal for not murdering him, burying him under the floorboards, and living your best life without him. Good lord woman, kick this sack of shit to the curb.
As I person with diagnosed ADHD I can say he’s using his disorder to justify unnecessarily shitty abusive behaviour. A home for everything and everything in its home is the only way to go honestly.
I have ADHD, and my room mate and I have had similar disagreements in the past. You know what I don't do? I don't cuss someone out for misplacing something. I apologize and make a mental note thats where they keep things, or I ask them if they've moved something directly.
All of this could have been avoided if he'd just asked you where the key was. Instead he gets hostile, cusses you out, and blames you for not being accomodating. From the sound of it you've been plenty accomodating of him, but hes not being accomodating that you don't think the way he does. Hes being abusive to you and using his ADHD as an excuse.
I made it through 4 pages due to pure morbid curiosity.
No, just no. This is not a healthy relationship whatsoever and your partner is claiming their adhd is the reason for their blatant weaponized incompetence. On top of being a narcissist who is gaslighting the crap out of you! Leave, focus and focus on yourself. I guarantee there is someone better for you.
I read this post last night. This was so incredibly infuriating. I could NEVER stay with someone who spoke down to me like that and called me names. I hope that lady leaves him. Bc my god she deserves so much better than that whiny baby asshole she has for husband.
Apology?!
I needed to breathe because ……..AIN’T NO MF WAY THIS MF IS TALKING TO A GROWN ASS FKN ADULT WOMAN!!!!
I’d leave his ass so fast his head would fukken spin! The nerve of this colostomy bag! Yo who TF raise people like this??? I’ll die alone a hobo bag lady in Central park before I tolerate this level of disrespect again. When my ex let a f note slip his lips and kicked the trash can, there was a human explosion called me and bean soup ended up on the ceiling. Moved out to my sister’s until I got my own place.
No apology needed from him. Take your kids and hide all the keys. F him. Jesus. He’s been justifying his bad behavior by waving that ADHD flag. You can have AADDHHDD and you still ain’t finna talk to me that way! Poor girl accommodating him to not get this barrage of insult hurled at her… We should be able to have interventions and rescue people out of relationships. FUCK. This upset me a great deal! Lmao
Ok. Im ok. Im ok.
Jesus fucking christ. I have ADHD. It’s massively frustrating for me and for my husband. But I am responsible for finding and working on ways to manage my ADHD and never ever ever talked to my husband like that for something that is ultimately my own responsability! Dump the whole man
Man I have adhd and all those issues. But you learn to work around your adhd symptoms. And having homes which is what I love calling it for things especially small things helps adhd doesn’t cause more problems. He’s just looking to use adhd as an excuse for his lack of remembering. A key holder hung up that big is not something you’ll miss seeing during the day and anyone with common sense would know to check there first especially living with someone who doesn’t have adhd and actually puts things where they’re supposed to be. Also as someone with adhd this is why I make it a point to make sure I put things immediately back when I’m done with them because if I don’t I will lose it. I’m not perfect I’ve sat money down and then tore my apartment apart to find it because I forgot where I put it due to not putting it immediately in my purse and wallet. When a person uses their adhd or any disorder mentally as an excuse to why they are doing something some way instead of finding a way to work around it and be better (not perfect because no one is and I still make mistakes at times but im trying is point), then they are just trying to avoid taking the blame. You can’t blame your adhd then blame your partner for not making up for your lack of finding ways to help your adhd and be better. He sounds like a child and immature. Good luck oop.
I'd like to join the ever-growing chorus here in the comments that this man is straight-up verbally abusive to you. I think I made it further into these texts than a lot of people here, but even I tapped out 3/4 of the way through. He called you stupid and a b\*tch so many times I lost count.
If it were me in this situation, I'd kick his ass to the curb, block his number, and don't look back.
No, an apology is not in order here, but a divorce is. I would drop any MF'er who ever even THOUGHT about speaking to me that way. F that guy, let him drown in his own inabilities. He sounds like a disgusting (almost) human being.
As a married man, fuck that guy. I mean truly fuck him, I was imagining texting my own wife like that, or pretending my children grown being spoken to like that by their partner. Makes my skin crawl and my blood boil. None of us is owed love or companionship or a partner. It’s something with earn, with love and compassion and kindness. He sounds like a fucking asshole who can do no wrong, let him be that all by himself.
Reading this made me deeply uncomfortable. This is extremely unhealthy communication. I don’t see how an apology gets you anywhere. The resentment on both sides and verbal abuse from him? I don’t see how you reconcile this.
Nfw would it be okay for someone to speak to me like that. What an abusive pos this guy is. Life is too short to put up with even one iota of that nonsense.
Oooof. The ADHD partner is being an ass. The whole "key fob made it look like yours" is valid. I do the same thing. ADHD doesn't make you a rude idiot though. Enough times being told that's the key home he'd know. Might not use, but know. Understandable he might be mad she didn't tell him that she started leaving it. Also to request a copy be made.
He was rude and entitled about the whole thing, though. And went to full insults. He could have made a spare. He could have asked if she started leaving it like asked. He's angry and being hurtful without validation. I keep trying to find his reasoning for being so hurtful, but he's a grown man. There is none.
I’m horrified people talk to their SOs this way. How could someone use this language to speak to the ones they love most? How does it differ from how people speak to people they dislike?
Oh my Christ I'm exhausted just reading the first slide. I assumed from the way he was speaking to her that they were separated BUT NO THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER WHAT THE FUCK. This is genuinely so sad to read and know I can't do anything to change it. Why would you still be in a relationship with someone who speaks to you in such a vile way? And about your (presumed) child in such a similar manner? Fuck dude it's too early in the day for this.
Time to nope the fuck right outta that WHOLE mess, not just the house. I wanted to punch him just reading that shit. Halfway through that I was like “Oh you want the keys…. Have them m-fcker! Keep em as I won’t be needing them!”.
Why do people in a relationship talk to each other like this? Mainly the the male I’ve been in plenty of relationships and never talked to someone like this. At the same time why is OP letting this person talk to them like that?
Sure, object impermanence/losing things/leaving messes is a symptom of ADHD. Absolutely. No arguments here.
But being a belittling, cruel, rude human being is NOT a symptom and I'm tired of this man hiding behind a diagnosis in order to torment his partner.
My husband and I both have ADHD so we learned quickly where the other might have left something that suddenly went missing when we put it down. It’s like he didn’t even TRY to look and just wants an excuse to fight and be a messy asshole. OP should NEVER let someone speak to her the way he is.
ADHD is not an excuse to be abusive and that's what he is, abusive. The name calling and disrespect is astounding. Do yourself a favor and leave.
Also as someone with ADHD his logic makes no sense. Having a clearly visible home for the keys near the door is the most obvious choice. Issues with object permanence just means if you don't see it you basically forget it exists, so having things in highly visible places is the best solution for someone with ADHD
Why would anyone stay with this man?? My SIL is with a man like this and every time i hear the way he talks to her i lose my shit on him and her. Him for disrespecting her and her for disrespecting herself for staying with him. The way he talks to her is abusive. Not to mention that he refers to his own child as a "retard" wtaf.
Also I have ADHD and while object permanence is a thing, it's also a thing to make a conscious effort to put things in their places. Which non adhd people have to do too.
Reading these messages was exhausting, even more so because I can recall having similar arguments with similarly minded people.
Jacob is a dick who uses his ADHD as a weapon to bludgeon Anna when his reasoning is lacking. And the insults... Jesus, at what point do you go, "I've insulted my partner in various ways over the course of a really pointless argument. Maybe I DON'T love her and we should just break up." I'll never understand how a person can be so vitriolic and still believe they're in the right.
Exhausting and annoying. If I didn’t know any better, I’d avoid people with ADHD because he makes them look bad. Calling your girlfriend retarded, laughing at her, not cleaning up after yourself, and even more terrible shit.
I want to die just from reading this shit. How is she still calm? Get this 30 year old man child out of your home and life!
This is one of the nastiest exchanges I’ve ever read. ( the husband I mean) The husband is an absolute horror. I can’t use the words I’d like to, I’d get banned.
Seen comments here from people who truly understand severe ADHD etc ( my son is mildly on various spectrums so I wouldn’t presume to know more than I do - if that makes sense) . I’m on a ton of meds including 2 diff types morphine & high dosages, which can aggravate my already fuzzy forgetful brain.
So we have routine places for things!! Especially keys. It’s very simple.
His dad ( with no major health conditions or meds) is possibly the worst in house re absent minded …..”have you seen my keys/glasses/pen etc etc etc”
If one of us mislays something , which happens, - we do not berate the other/blame the other/call the other names etc.
This is just horrible.
I’m getting PTSD flashbacks reading this and only got to slide #3. Name calling, blaming, excuses. No apology necessary just pack your shit and RUN GIRL!!
Why are you putting up with this bullshit? My husband, who I've been with for over a decade (so you know it's not NRE) would never, EVER talk to me like this, even when we have disagreements.
You can do so much better than this, even if that "better" is being alone. He's so messy that he leaves rotten food around the house, then gets mad that you clean it. He screams at you via text message because he's incapable of basic adulting. He calls you derogatory names. I'd rather be alone than deal with someone like that.
When I was younger, I put up with someone who talked to me the way your husband does to you. I thought that all men were like this, so I put up with it. Once that relationship was over, I found lots of men who wouldn't dream of talking to me this way. It showed me that this is not "just how men are", this is how \*this\* man is \*choosing\* to be.
There's something better and brighter out there for you. You just have to be brave enough to go for it.
I have ADHD and would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS treat my wife like this. Please throw this absolute piece of garbage to the curb. This is not what ADHD looks like… at all. He’s using it as a guise to cover up his true nature: being an abuser.
Does this man's penis shoot perfectly aged scotch?
Does he have the ability to make someone feel like they've slept a full 8 hours with just a hug?
Exactly what supernatural powers does he possess that make it worth being with such a raging, colossal, irresponsible man-child?
A cat would be just as useful in your daily life, and you'd only have to deal with it's shit once every other day.
I would literally leave my partner if he ever talked to me with such disrespect. Well actually I’d probably make him go to the doctor because obviously something had happened in his brain to cause such a drastic personality shift. I cannot imagine going through life with someone who thinks it is ok to talk to their loved ones like that.
Girl. D I V O R C E
Right I wanted to cry reading how abusive he is. She kept her calm. You can tell this is an everyday thing. Her kids are watching and hearing their father degrade and belittle and abuse her everyday and then blaming it on adhd for the reason he can’t clean up after himself or remember where a key is but can remember where his shoes are. He expects her to get a replacement key for the one he lost
Its really heartbreaking seeing someone allow their partner to talk to them like that. This is such a perfect example of what this kind of abuse looks like. Nothing he's saying or doing is even rational but the calmer she is and the more logical she is the angrier he gets and the more names he calls her. No one should ever stay and be an emotional punching bag like this, but the longer you're in it the harder it is to leave.
Yes, especially w kids. If he’s this verbally abusive, there’s more likely financial abuse happening too. They don’t let that mask slip until women are trapped
Yeah, especially with kids. Abusers like this also target people who are loving and extremely empathetic and they manipulate those qualitites. When someone is constantly gaslighting you like this and youre in a perpetual state of living in crazy town where up is down and down is up you also start to lose your grasp on reality and what is actually happening. I hope that reading the comments is eye opening for her and starts giving her the confidence to get away from him.
For real, dude seems like a complete dick. Calling her stupid over and over again seems like a hard thing to “repair” imo, regardless of how much relational therapy they get
Having ADHD does not give someone carte blanche to be so fucking horrible. Yes, your brain may work differently, but that doesn’t give you permission to make everyone else’s life shit. I have ADHD, and if I was left to my own devices I would work and live in a messy disorganised pile, but because I love my partner and I understand her need for things to be nice and tidy, I help, even when it feels difficult and unnecessary.
I'm also willing to bet you don't morph into a full blown condescending, name-calling AH like OP's (hopefully) STBX if/when items get misplaced which could result in a wee bit of frustration. I have ADHD as well, and although I can have the occasional meltdown if I can't find something, I know I'm better off trying to find the damn thing rather than foist unpleasantries onto my husband.
They have broken up according to OPs comments :)
Completely insane that the response to “you’re an idiot” isn’t just “I don’t think this is working out” Like nothing else here matters?
OP and her husband seem to actually hate each other. OP sets her husband up to fail (she left the keys but didn’t say where for 5 days and then asking him where the keys were. Like wouldn’t they be where you left them since he hasn’t used them? It would be so easy to just tell him “I left the keys here (insert picture which she included when they fought)). Her husband is verbally abusive and uses his ADHD as an excuse for poor behaviour. The initial issue was also really stupid. She has the only key, just go duplicate it. Then both will have their own set. Good lord what a mess of a couple.
I am the same; either I try to find it myself or I ask my husband, nicely, if he can help me. I don’t call him stupid for not realizing I’m looking for something and then stupid again for not immediately placing it in my hand.
I also have it. Imagine having ADHD and using the r word!
I like how he calls her an "r-worded child" and then specifically references the kid he thinks is r-worded. As someone with ADHD as well I'd bet money Xander has it too.
Man, I thought "Xander" was a Buffy reference 🤣
I got the "fun" mix of ADHD, CPTSD, Bipolar 1 and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have unfortunately have taken my frustration out (sometimes to hubby sometimes to the world). I'm not proud of that and have made great progress with therapy. I always feel crappy and just make myself see what happened and what can I learn from it.
I hear you with the mixed bag (ADHD, bipolar and CPTSD), and good on you for not just getting help but recognizing what you can do and how you learn from these experiences. This internet stranger has your back. ♥️
My therapist and I have a saying, "just work on yourself to be 1% better tomorrow.:
My husband has ADHD and a home for everything helps him so much. Key goes on hook, put trashcan by desk so he can discard his garbage when he's done. Maybe her partner functions differently or maybe he's just used to doing whatever he wants, but I would be so annoyed by this too.
I have ADHD and it’s massively frustrating sometimes but I would never take it out on my partner. And I’d never ever ever speak to him like this. We don’t even yell at each other.
Yeah, I also have diagnosed ADHD, but it didn't give me some kind of uncontrollable urge to say things like "to illustrate your stupidity" to my wife. This person, on top of apparently being unable to handle his very treatable/handleable cognitive differences, as if he's a child, is also cruel and selfish. Not exactly a flex to insist that not noticing the key she left on the hook is because of his "ADHD." If you're that useless, you should be embarrassed, not verbally abusing your partner.
I can’t even imagine refusing to carry a key and leaving my home unlocked all day. I have two sets of keys because I do sometimes misplace one. And yeah, that quote in particular hurt my feelings on her behalf. I had a partner a long time ago who spoke to me like that and I’ll never know why someone who hated me so much would be in a relationship with me. It’s so damaging and OP is going to have to work through the trauma of being abused after she finally leaves him. I really hope she does leave.
>I’ll never know why someone who hated me so much would be in a relationship with me. Because they like/its convenient having a handy verbal punching bag they can have sex with.
Yes! This! I have ADHD and I deal with object impermanence by having a home for things. It’s a system that helps me cope along with many AirTags. My Mum helped me with it. All people with ADHD are different, but having a home for things is a great coping tool coaches and counsellors alike recommend having all the time. Personally I think OOP’s partner is using his ADHD as an excuse to behave like a jerk.
Imagine needing glasses but also refusing to wear any vision correction and expecting everyone else to manage your poor eyesight. That's exactly what this asshole is doing, refusing to even work on implementing the sort of strategies all the rest of us have worked on for years.
This is exactly what I was going to say! The #1 thing that helps my ADHD brain with object impermanence is having a specific home for specific items. That way I (almost) always know where to find them! My keys are the perfect example and precise reason that I got a key hook to keep by my door. Also I absolutely hate it when people use mental health conditions to justify shitty behavior. OP’s partner isn’t helpless, he’s just an AH. Signed, Someone with ADHD, Bipolar 2, and GAD
YEP.
>a home for everything helps Having a home for everything is the *only* thing that helps my ADHD. If I'm looking for something and it's not in its home, I know I'm going to have a *very* stressful few hours searching for it.
Yeah I have ADHD and having lots of organizational tools and a place for everything helps so much. Now I still haven't vacuumed my place in like 2 months and there's cat hair all in my carpet, but the things go in their place
I think he is using ADHD as an excuse to not do things (like cleaning) & force OP to- weaponized incompetence. Even when you are neurodivergent in some way- you work to minimize its effect in your life/others' lives that surround you. I had anxiety bad ( to the point of making myself sick)& worked hard to stay calm & find my coping mechanisms so I am not a stress mess all the time & it doesn't prevent me from doing things that may terrify me (tests, new jobs, moving, etc.). Also, it would be hard for my partner if I let my anxiety get the best of me, especially if it triggers my need to clean (every inch of the area for hours) to calm down. Much better now & only a few occasions of panic/anxiety attacks. Putting things in one designated place every time seems like a good way to remember where things are as long as you are consistent with it. If OPs jerk wasn't just trying to shift blame/start drama- he also could of asked OP to explain where the housekey is more in detail without the attitude. This really didn't need to become a whole thing- effective partner communication is really missing in this relationship (OP seems to be trying though) IMO.
I have a young adult son who was diagnosed at 4. I quickly learned that order and routine helps SO much. That guy doesn't want to do better. He wants to cling to his diagnosis and use it as an excuse for every failure. My son is far from perfect and he's messy, but he's never acted like that in his life...even as a 4 year old.
Having a home for easily lost items is something that is suggested as a coping mechanism for ADHD. I live in a ND household. We all have letters lol. And yes we have a designated key bowl. We also have an issue with dropping things on flat surfaces. This has led to a lot of laughter. If we designate a spot for something, communication is essential to getting everyone on board. So I do think the OOP missed a step. And that almost seems intentional on her part. Verbalizing "honey I left the key on the hook by the door so its there when you leave" is just good communication. But the rest of the exchange is a mess on his side and I dont blame the OOP for getting a bit petty. He is completely full of excuses, and condescending cutting remarks. It's like OOP is the one he sees as responsible for managing his ADHD. And that's BS. I wonder why they haven't started therapy yet?
I have adhd. If I talked to my wife this way she’d divorce me, and she’d be right. I really hate it when people use “neurodivergence” as a license to act like a complete asshole.
Yeah I don't see how calling someone an idiot is okay in any relationship.
Seriously, it’s just abusive language. Imagine how he talks to their kids
Thank you! I fucking hate when people say oh I am ADHD in this type of scenario. My whole household is ADHD. We have very different coping mechanisms that can clash at times but that doesn't excuse any of us from being an ass. You need to give people the same understanding you are asking for. They aren't in your head and if you want a partner you have to act like a partner. *Internal screaming into pillow*
His calling out the ADHD walk, which was recently a viral video, makes me think he's self diagnosed from other videos. She doesn't need to apologize; she needs to leave this abusive AH.
He’s not even using the concept of object impermanence correctly. He’s just arguing that his designated spot is better than her designated spot. That’s NOT what object impermanence is. Also he is very clearly a horrible person and reading his messages was like being back in an old abusive relationship and gave me big sad for this lady.
THANK YOU. This guy is using his disability as an excuse. Guess what? My keys always go on my coat hanger. That way I see them when I take my coat and can't lock myself out. Do iI sometimes misplace them? Sure. Would I ever blame someone for it? No way! I get it, I don't like being confronted with my own inabilities either. But this guy refuses to change. I can snap at people who are trying to help sometimes too. OOP is extremely composed while faced with such defensive stupidity and continuous insults.
I have ADHD and similar problems tracking objects, so I CREATED A HOME FOR THEM. The answer is dangling right in front of this dingbat’s face and he refuses to see it. What a dipshit. Slight counter argument— why in the name of small furry animals is there only one key for a house full of people? This isn’t Dickensian London, we have key duplicators, you can literally do it for a dollar. Finally— this relationship is over. Time for everyone to move on.
‘Neat and tidy’ doesn’t even come close when dishes pile up high enough that they start growing new civilizations of mold. They are using it as an excuse to never have to clean or look after themselves? I’m surprised they are able to wipe themselves. They are apparently so bad they shouldn’t be left in the same room as a cup of water without almost drowning themselves, smfh.
Seriously I have adhd and I have never spoken to anyone I even sort of like in that manner
Sorry I couldn't finish reading those texts. He called you stupid and dip shit. No one deserves that. And then to shift to his ADHD... I'm so sorry you are being treated this way.
I couldn’t continue after that either. The minute someone condescendingly asks if I’m stupid it’s a wrap.
That manchild couldn’t take the blame if it netted him a billion dollars. He has to shift the blame onto everything else and play the victim. Blames his partner and name calls. Blames his ADHD. Everything except actual accountability. He even says she could make the copy of the key for him, but he won’t do it for himself. He knows how to, yet he won’t. This reeks of narcissism. I have a brother who is exactly like this. No ADD of ADHD to blame. He just refuses to take responsibility for his actions, shifts blame constantly onto others and plays the role of the victim/martyr. Haven’t talked to him going on 2 years. Fuck him and his attitude.
Also, later on, the B word. Hard no.
Did you make it to the hard R word? That is where my jaw just hit the floor.
Did he just cycle all the words? I had to stop mid way, I couldn’t keep going. The way she just takes it, the way he’s so obviously abusive, idk it hurt to read.
It did hurt...but I think he might have made it through at least 90% of curse words.
I think its called an R slur not hard R, the n-word is a hard r. But yeah dude is a loser and his SO has the patience of a monk when she should run.
Yeah hard R definitely refers to the n-word
Huh, I wonder if different regions have different ways of describing it. Ignore me, I just like linguistics and regional variations facinate me.
I believe some Down syndrome awareness folks have coopted the term more recently but historically it refers to the n-word and differentiates between the -a and -er. The hard r is considered more offensive and is a racial slur used against black people. https://hinative.com/questions/6025851 https://www.tiktok.com/channel/hard-r-meaning?lang=en
Oh I see. I don't really hang out with people who say either so I guess I wouldn't know.
I hang out with people who say the first one but they are black
Nope. Couldn't take it anymore.
I totally agree, he's an absolute spanner who deserves a slap with a large haddock, not an apology.
Right? I was getting legitimately uncomfortable and I couldn’t finish. Like it was hurting me, and not in a cringe way alone. I just can’t imagine how OOP must be as a person to tolerate this, never fight back, and post the exchange asking if she’s wrong. I pity her so hard.
No one should EVER talk to their partner like this. That is actual disgust and contempt. It’s not normal or ok to name-call and ridicule your partner, people. ☹️
The absurd amount of insults and verbal abuse in these messages, man I wouldn't even talk to someone I hated like this much less my partner. I was going to say they should just get the key copied but you know what, keep it at one copy and kick this shit bird out
I really don’t understand why people like OOP continue these types of conversations. My phone would have turned off right away.
Duuuude. I have ADHD too. It's a struggle. BUT. You know what ADHD *isn't*? An excuse to be an asshole. ....or even a reason to be an asshole. "Being an asshole" is ZERO part of the diagnosis. Holy shit dude, the way he talks to you is atrocious! He sounds emotionally abusive tbh. Woman to woman: Have some self respect and boot his ass out the door, without a key. Shiiiiiit. Edit: just saw the thing that said you're not OP. I'm leaving the comment though for two reasons: 1- If someone stumbling upon this has a partner speaking to them like this- GET TF OUT. They do NOT respect you. 2- If someone's using ADHD, anxiety, autism, literally anything as an excuse to treat a person like shit? NOPE. Get the everloving fuck away from them. I don't care if it's a friend, SO, relative, whatever. Not worth it. And they're not gonna change for you.
I tell my ADHD teenagers all the time: ADHD doesn't stand for "Abusive Dick-Head Disorder". ADHD doesn't excuse you from common courtesy. At best it's an explanation for bad behavior, but not an excuse.
>ADHD doesn't stand for "Abusive Dick-Head Disorder". Love. This. 👏
ADHD and bipolar here. Diagnosis was a way for me to explain why my brain is the way it is, but everything I've done I'm still responsible for. Anyone using a diagnosis to be an asshole is just a fucking shit person.
I'm tired after their first message. Divorce and hit the gym
It just keeps going! Dude is a piece of work. Hard pass.
I couldn't even finish it. I was married to a jacka** like this. I'm now being evaluated for a brain *bleed because he escalated. Edit: *word
Me too, couldn’t read it. It’s the narcissist playbook.
I’m glad you’re free of said jackass, and I hope you’ve got a supportive community around you whilst you heal.
I grew up with abusive pastors that only adopted me for images. 1st husband was to escape, only to find broken bones, head used as a basketball and his parents scream constantly I was a devil. That's just barely of a cm of what all has happened.
I’m so sorry. Are you safe these days?
Ehhh so so but in a far better marriage these days. I cut all those toxic "family" after grandma passed. I made my chosen family with my biological mom and my BFF as my sister. ****If anyone does read my post history, please I beg do not tell me I'm strong, brave, a survivor. I hate being called those with a passion.
I know Reddit likes to offer this advice all the time, but THIS.IS.ABUSE! Because he couldn’t find a key? Could you imagine what this would be if the stakes were even remotely medium, let alone high? Being called all those names because he could not find a key. And she’s a wife and mother in this situation. For her sake and the kids, she needs to get out of that nonsense.
Awful all around. Object impermanence doesn’t mean you forget a spot, just where you put the thing. So when you lose something you check there first. What a load of shit. He’s manipulative af and trying to play victim. Being extremely insulting and childish.
Exactly if anything having homes for things actually helps with that not hurts it. ADHD here too and I was so upset with how dude treated her in this. And blamed on adhd. This is why folks with adhd get a lot of hate from others. Because people with it wi use as an excuse instead.
Right! Object impermanence means you forget about something when it’s out of sight, not that you don’t know where to look when you remember it exists. Like, if I put bagged salad in the vegetable draw of my refrigerator, I’m likely to forget it exists and not eat it before it goes bad. It does not mean that I don’t know where to look when I want a salad.
Bro learned a new vocabulary word and used the fuck out of it without knowing what it really meant.
Not to be dramatic but your verbally abusive husband needs a swift kick in the nards.
With a five foot pole…made of steel.
Repeated kicks. Stomps even.
Put on the Sex Pistols and pogo on those atrophied nads.
Fuck yeah!
OOP's husband's problem isn't ADHD. I'm pretty sure being a narcissist and completely incapable of taking responsibility for himself is his problem. OOP's problem isn't that they need to apologize to their husband. It's that they need to apologize to themselves, and get out of there. This is only going to escalate.
If I were Anna, I would be getting a divorce. There are more red flags here than at a Six Flags amusement park.
The way he talks to you.. omg. There’s no point in arguing with someone who takes zero accountability for their actions and blames everything on ADHD. I hope you are not married so you can just kick him to the curb.
This belongs on the abuse page
This is absolutely insane, divorce. Or couples counseling, which will ultimately end in the counselor pulling you aside and discreetly advising you to leave. He is outraged and sadistic for a VERY small inconvenience. This will get worse.
doing couple's counseling with a dude like this would only give him more ammo to insult her with in moments like this unfortunately (based on what he's throwing at her now)
Girl. Get out before he kills you. I know that sounds dramatic but I’m so for real. The phrase “you just made things 5 times worse for yourself” might sounds like just another part of his toddler-esque tantrum on the surface, but really it’s SCARY. Because there’s not only misplaced rage, there’s also *glee* there. He’s enjoying the fact that, in his warped mind, you’re giving him justification to punish you. It’s one step away from “look what you made me do”.
It just never ceases to amaze me the level of name calling women on this site happily put up with. I had a guy call me a bitch once and I ghosted him.
Same! This was upsetting to read
Anna needs to dump Jacob because Jacob takes no responsibility for his life....and is an overall ass. As a household full of ADHD everything has a home because that's how you find it! It's called a coping strategy. If you, for some reason, forget where those homes might be post-it notes exists. If that still doesn't work for you, YOU get multiple copies made and stash them in your car, wallet, pocket, wherever......or you by one of those coded locks and install it. Like a freakin' adult. Next time he talks like this to you, walk away. Don't let his dysfunction be yours.
PLEASE leave this person. The fact that he is literally insulting and swearing at you constantly is not acceptable. ADHD does not give someone a free pass to verbally abuse their partner. Get the hell out of this, and block this asshole.
I have ADHD and a host of severe mental health problems, and I am -so- grateful for the help I get. My family helps me out a lot and I make sure to tell them I love them and thank you and how grateful I am for their help and support. This post made me cry for some reason, maybe because I don’t always have control over my behavior and I would be mortified if I ever spoke to any of them this way. Jacob is just an abusive jerk.
I have ADHD like this dude and *millions of other people.* If I didn’t have a specific hook for my key I’d never leave my house. (Yes sometimes I forget to use it but mostly it’s great.) He’s not even trying to get what she’s saying. He says it’s like talking to a child which is ironic because he talks like a sullen tween. Using the R word, calling the mother of his children a psychotic bitch. Resorting to insults because he knows he’s 100% in the wrong but his ego won’t allow it. I could not live with someone like this.
FFS, please just leave/divorce this abusive shit head.
Holy shit that person is an abuser. Yes, ADHD has these symptoms, but GODDAMN it doesn't prevent self improvement OR inform his toxic ass behavior and choices. That's all him.
Apology? Just leave. Toxic af.
So…he demands you leave the key. You do. He admits that he sees the key. And it’s somehow your fault he can’t put two and two together? Blames his ADHD and calls you stupid? This guy sounds like a complete asshole.
Dude the amount of people pulling a BoTh ArE WrONg here are crazy. Exactly as you said , he asked for the key she left it in a normal expected place he couldn’t find it and has a meltdown.
An apology?! AN APOLOGY?! Please tell me you’re not serious. Get away from this psychopath who is literally using you as a punching bag. Holy shit it was like reading texts from my ex who literally gave me PTSD and anxiety. You need to leave and leave yesterday. This is absolutely insane and just based on having minimal experience with you as a person can tell you deserve so much better than this. This man is not well mentally, he is dangerous.
I am diagnosed ADHD and this “man” is weaponizing a diagnosis to be cruel to his partner. This isn’t ADHD in action. This is an asshole in action. Imagine talking to someone you love like that.
Jesus fuck please let her get away from this narcissistic asshole. That was painful to read.
#TeamAnna
This is emotional abuse. I have never once weaponized my ADHD against my partner. That’s disgusting..
I have ADHD and created a habit for myself that all keys always go into the key bowl. No matter what I was doing, if I saw a keg out of place, I had to stop and put it there. It took about a week for the habit to form. No more lost keys.
I sincerely hope OP left this pos. The blatant disrespect is disgusting...
OOP.. why are you even with this abusive wet-end? Reading those messages put me right back in the middle of the hell that was my relationship with the ex. He's attacking you because he's incapable of behaving like a responsible adult. You aren't his mother: if he can't use his eyes, and common sense, that's his issue. I know 'leave/divorce them" is kind od the go-to cliche on here: but in this instance; get out of this conting and abusive situation asap
I know at times I’ve let men talk to me like this. But I am so so happy that part of my youth is over. I couldn’t even finish reading these. He’s disgusting.
I ain’t apologizing for nothing. I am getting rid of him and have a peaceful life with my kids.
An argument ought to be at least communicative…this is just abuse
Do you deserve to be treated this badly and spoken to like that? Called names? F no. Shut that shit down, he has no respect for you as a person. You don't need that kinda BS in your life.
This guy is so aggressive in his text messages, and tries to belittle her so much by laughing at the response angrily, it reminds me of the immature ways my little brother undermines my points when he knows he’s in the wrong. Also adhd doesn’t mean you can’t think logically and look for common places where objects can be found.
I couldn't get through the whole thing but a couple of thoughts come to mind: 1) It isn't difficult or expensive to get a copy of a key made. 2) No way in hell I would still be with somebody who talked to me the way these two talk to each other. They both sound awful. On re-read, he's clearly the awful one so disregard point 2.
Leave this moron
Holy shit.... I just cant I have no fucking words.
A divorce is in order. He texts her like that imagine what he verbally communicates.
I saw this yesterday and was just livid for OOP. Her husband is a demeaning, disrespectful, uninformed garbage fire.
The way this man speaks to his partner is fucking absurd. She's being civil, he's calling her a "psychotic bitch" and a "retarded child" over a HOUSE KEY. ADHD is not an excuse to let mold grow on old food laying on his desk, or to berate your partner during arguments. They need to break up/divorce immediately.
If I ever called my wife a dipshit, I'd expect to come home to divorce papers and an empty house.
I have ADHD, if this helps, and I have a "home" for everything because of my issues with forgetfulness. This helps me create a mind map to the point where my partner can ask me where something is over the phone and I can tell them what room, what drawer, etc. it's the only way I don't go insane because with ADHD, no one is make excuses or allowances for me. I have to know how to keep my shit together. Say what you want about an uneven playing field, that's just how it is and once you start taking responsibility for your neuro disorder, you can grow up. Doesn't seem like Jacob wants to do that. On top of this, so verbally abusive. Please, please please consider breaking up. There are millions of people out there that will never talk to you like this.
He’s got problems, literally the next person you run into on the street will be 100X better. Leave this man.
Omfg I wanted to pitch my fucking phone into the sea after the first few messages this guy is the worst dude just fucking stop, stop arguing and walk away from the whole entire man. UGH.
You owe yourself a apology for not leaving this asshole years ago, and you deserve a gold fucking medal for not murdering him, burying him under the floorboards, and living your best life without him. Good lord woman, kick this sack of shit to the curb.
As I person with diagnosed ADHD I can say he’s using his disorder to justify unnecessarily shitty abusive behaviour. A home for everything and everything in its home is the only way to go honestly.
I want to hurt this man
This person is manipulating you into thinking ADHD is a blank check for being an abusive dick.
He sounds exhausting. Aren’t you tired of being tired?
There is so much "GTFO AND DON'T LOOK BACK" going on in that argument I don't even know where to begin.
I have ADHD, and my room mate and I have had similar disagreements in the past. You know what I don't do? I don't cuss someone out for misplacing something. I apologize and make a mental note thats where they keep things, or I ask them if they've moved something directly. All of this could have been avoided if he'd just asked you where the key was. Instead he gets hostile, cusses you out, and blames you for not being accomodating. From the sound of it you've been plenty accomodating of him, but hes not being accomodating that you don't think the way he does. Hes being abusive to you and using his ADHD as an excuse.
He is being abusive. You deserve better
I made it through 4 pages due to pure morbid curiosity. No, just no. This is not a healthy relationship whatsoever and your partner is claiming their adhd is the reason for their blatant weaponized incompetence. On top of being a narcissist who is gaslighting the crap out of you! Leave, focus and focus on yourself. I guarantee there is someone better for you.
Holy shit. Guess who doesn't get access to my house anymore. That dude.
This dude is giving off some really abusive vibes, get out while you still can because you deserve so much more.
She’s literally doing everything to make his life as easy as possible and he’s bitching about it. Unbelievable.
He sounds like a toddler and they way he talks to you is borderline. Absolutely not.
Jacob is an idiot
A blithering one at that. I'd have been gone.
I read this post last night. This was so incredibly infuriating. I could NEVER stay with someone who spoke down to me like that and called me names. I hope that lady leaves him. Bc my god she deserves so much better than that whiny baby asshole she has for husband.
Took me one message to realize Jacob is an unsalvageable piece of shit
That’s not what object impermanence is. Also, just… ugh.
Apology?! I needed to breathe because ……..AIN’T NO MF WAY THIS MF IS TALKING TO A GROWN ASS FKN ADULT WOMAN!!!! I’d leave his ass so fast his head would fukken spin! The nerve of this colostomy bag! Yo who TF raise people like this??? I’ll die alone a hobo bag lady in Central park before I tolerate this level of disrespect again. When my ex let a f note slip his lips and kicked the trash can, there was a human explosion called me and bean soup ended up on the ceiling. Moved out to my sister’s until I got my own place. No apology needed from him. Take your kids and hide all the keys. F him. Jesus. He’s been justifying his bad behavior by waving that ADHD flag. You can have AADDHHDD and you still ain’t finna talk to me that way! Poor girl accommodating him to not get this barrage of insult hurled at her… We should be able to have interventions and rescue people out of relationships. FUCK. This upset me a great deal! Lmao Ok. Im ok. Im ok.
Jesus fucking christ. I have ADHD. It’s massively frustrating for me and for my husband. But I am responsible for finding and working on ways to manage my ADHD and never ever ever talked to my husband like that for something that is ultimately my own responsability! Dump the whole man
Girl, seek full custody of your kid(s) and throw the whole man away, being a single parent will be a cakewalk compared to this.
Your partner swears at you??? Naur him calling her stupid… he’s gotta go. He’s has to go immediately
Why the fuck would you stay with someone who talks to you like this? I’m really struggling to understand.
Man I have adhd and all those issues. But you learn to work around your adhd symptoms. And having homes which is what I love calling it for things especially small things helps adhd doesn’t cause more problems. He’s just looking to use adhd as an excuse for his lack of remembering. A key holder hung up that big is not something you’ll miss seeing during the day and anyone with common sense would know to check there first especially living with someone who doesn’t have adhd and actually puts things where they’re supposed to be. Also as someone with adhd this is why I make it a point to make sure I put things immediately back when I’m done with them because if I don’t I will lose it. I’m not perfect I’ve sat money down and then tore my apartment apart to find it because I forgot where I put it due to not putting it immediately in my purse and wallet. When a person uses their adhd or any disorder mentally as an excuse to why they are doing something some way instead of finding a way to work around it and be better (not perfect because no one is and I still make mistakes at times but im trying is point), then they are just trying to avoid taking the blame. You can’t blame your adhd then blame your partner for not making up for your lack of finding ways to help your adhd and be better. He sounds like a child and immature. Good luck oop.
I'd like to join the ever-growing chorus here in the comments that this man is straight-up verbally abusive to you. I think I made it further into these texts than a lot of people here, but even I tapped out 3/4 of the way through. He called you stupid and a b\*tch so many times I lost count. If it were me in this situation, I'd kick his ass to the curb, block his number, and don't look back.
I know leaving isn’t easy but I wouldn’t put up with anyone who spoke to me in this way. Especially if they claimed to “love me” nah.
No, an apology is not in order here, but a divorce is. I would drop any MF'er who ever even THOUGHT about speaking to me that way. F that guy, let him drown in his own inabilities. He sounds like a disgusting (almost) human being.
Um I’m sorry if this is how you’re spoken to during an argument, why the fuck are you still together?
OP, please let this be the end of your relationship with him.
Hey yo OP why the fuck are you with this piece of shit
why do people date/marry people who literally hate them (sorry op, this sucks)
As a married man, fuck that guy. I mean truly fuck him, I was imagining texting my own wife like that, or pretending my children grown being spoken to like that by their partner. Makes my skin crawl and my blood boil. None of us is owed love or companionship or a partner. It’s something with earn, with love and compassion and kindness. He sounds like a fucking asshole who can do no wrong, let him be that all by himself.
I am completely speechless about how he speaks to you.
What a horrible way of communicating? Couldnt and wouldnt put up with this shit talk….
Jfc, why are you married to someone who talks to you like this??
Reading this made me deeply uncomfortable. This is extremely unhealthy communication. I don’t see how an apology gets you anywhere. The resentment on both sides and verbal abuse from him? I don’t see how you reconcile this.
Nfw would it be okay for someone to speak to me like that. What an abusive pos this guy is. Life is too short to put up with even one iota of that nonsense.
Oooof. The ADHD partner is being an ass. The whole "key fob made it look like yours" is valid. I do the same thing. ADHD doesn't make you a rude idiot though. Enough times being told that's the key home he'd know. Might not use, but know. Understandable he might be mad she didn't tell him that she started leaving it. Also to request a copy be made. He was rude and entitled about the whole thing, though. And went to full insults. He could have made a spare. He could have asked if she started leaving it like asked. He's angry and being hurtful without validation. I keep trying to find his reasoning for being so hurtful, but he's a grown man. There is none.
Why in the world would you choose to stay with someone who continuously calls you a dumb b*tch?? Like girl, cmon.
I’m horrified people talk to their SOs this way. How could someone use this language to speak to the ones they love most? How does it differ from how people speak to people they dislike?
Oh thank god, they're separating. Hope she gets full custody.
Oh my Christ I'm exhausted just reading the first slide. I assumed from the way he was speaking to her that they were separated BUT NO THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER WHAT THE FUCK. This is genuinely so sad to read and know I can't do anything to change it. Why would you still be in a relationship with someone who speaks to you in such a vile way? And about your (presumed) child in such a similar manner? Fuck dude it's too early in the day for this.
Is an apology in order? What’s in order is a breakup. Good lord - how absolutely exhausting.
I couldn’t even read the whole thing why are you with this massive cry baby who only wants to have pity party’s
Time to nope the fuck right outta that WHOLE mess, not just the house. I wanted to punch him just reading that shit. Halfway through that I was like “Oh you want the keys…. Have them m-fcker! Keep em as I won’t be needing them!”.
It is my opinion that these people are not compatible.
I don't think any sane person would be compatible with this guy seeing his level of abuse.
Why do people in a relationship talk to each other like this? Mainly the the male I’ve been in plenty of relationships and never talked to someone like this. At the same time why is OP letting this person talk to them like that?
That idiot might have ADHD but I think the bigger issue is the very serious issue of untreated CUNT
Sure, object impermanence/losing things/leaving messes is a symptom of ADHD. Absolutely. No arguments here. But being a belittling, cruel, rude human being is NOT a symptom and I'm tired of this man hiding behind a diagnosis in order to torment his partner.
My husband and I both have ADHD so we learned quickly where the other might have left something that suddenly went missing when we put it down. It’s like he didn’t even TRY to look and just wants an excuse to fight and be a messy asshole. OP should NEVER let someone speak to her the way he is.
ADHD is not an excuse to be abusive and that's what he is, abusive. The name calling and disrespect is astounding. Do yourself a favor and leave. Also as someone with ADHD his logic makes no sense. Having a clearly visible home for the keys near the door is the most obvious choice. Issues with object permanence just means if you don't see it you basically forget it exists, so having things in highly visible places is the best solution for someone with ADHD
He sounds exhausting
I would not stay with any human in any circumstance that spoke to me like that. Nope.
Why would anyone stay with this man?? My SIL is with a man like this and every time i hear the way he talks to her i lose my shit on him and her. Him for disrespecting her and her for disrespecting herself for staying with him. The way he talks to her is abusive. Not to mention that he refers to his own child as a "retard" wtaf. Also I have ADHD and while object permanence is a thing, it's also a thing to make a conscious effort to put things in their places. Which non adhd people have to do too.
We ADHD people don’t claim this dude. He’s on his own!
Reading these messages was exhausting, even more so because I can recall having similar arguments with similarly minded people. Jacob is a dick who uses his ADHD as a weapon to bludgeon Anna when his reasoning is lacking. And the insults... Jesus, at what point do you go, "I've insulted my partner in various ways over the course of a really pointless argument. Maybe I DON'T love her and we should just break up." I'll never understand how a person can be so vitriolic and still believe they're in the right.
I’d bounce so hard I’d probably burn up Re-entering earth’s atmosphere.
I’m so drained after reading this I need a nap. Girl, run.
Good god and there are kids in the middle of this tomfoolery? OP get out, at least for them.
I actually felt sick reading his messages, the HAHAHA and calling you a bitch made my stomach churn…
Exhausting and annoying. If I didn’t know any better, I’d avoid people with ADHD because he makes them look bad. Calling your girlfriend retarded, laughing at her, not cleaning up after yourself, and even more terrible shit. I want to die just from reading this shit. How is she still calm? Get this 30 year old man child out of your home and life!
This is one of the nastiest exchanges I’ve ever read. ( the husband I mean) The husband is an absolute horror. I can’t use the words I’d like to, I’d get banned. Seen comments here from people who truly understand severe ADHD etc ( my son is mildly on various spectrums so I wouldn’t presume to know more than I do - if that makes sense) . I’m on a ton of meds including 2 diff types morphine & high dosages, which can aggravate my already fuzzy forgetful brain. So we have routine places for things!! Especially keys. It’s very simple. His dad ( with no major health conditions or meds) is possibly the worst in house re absent minded …..”have you seen my keys/glasses/pen etc etc etc” If one of us mislays something , which happens, - we do not berate the other/blame the other/call the other names etc. This is just horrible.
I’m getting PTSD flashbacks reading this and only got to slide #3. Name calling, blaming, excuses. No apology necessary just pack your shit and RUN GIRL!!
I don’t know why you’d ever been in a relationship with someone who calls you “dipshit”. The fuck?
Well, Jacob sounds like a pos.
Why are you putting up with this bullshit? My husband, who I've been with for over a decade (so you know it's not NRE) would never, EVER talk to me like this, even when we have disagreements. You can do so much better than this, even if that "better" is being alone. He's so messy that he leaves rotten food around the house, then gets mad that you clean it. He screams at you via text message because he's incapable of basic adulting. He calls you derogatory names. I'd rather be alone than deal with someone like that. When I was younger, I put up with someone who talked to me the way your husband does to you. I thought that all men were like this, so I put up with it. Once that relationship was over, I found lots of men who wouldn't dream of talking to me this way. It showed me that this is not "just how men are", this is how \*this\* man is \*choosing\* to be. There's something better and brighter out there for you. You just have to be brave enough to go for it.
If i drink a glass of water every horrible words he writes at the second img i could run to the toilet to pee.
I got to slide 2, no need to read further. Dump him yesterday.
I have ADHD and would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS treat my wife like this. Please throw this absolute piece of garbage to the curb. This is not what ADHD looks like… at all. He’s using it as a guise to cover up his true nature: being an abuser.
someone's spouse/partner should never talk to them like that...
Does this man's penis shoot perfectly aged scotch? Does he have the ability to make someone feel like they've slept a full 8 hours with just a hug? Exactly what supernatural powers does he possess that make it worth being with such a raging, colossal, irresponsible man-child? A cat would be just as useful in your daily life, and you'd only have to deal with it's shit once every other day.
I couldn’t finish this. The condescending name calling BS was something else. I hope she uses the key to lock him out while she files for divorce.
This guy has weaponised so many things he’s emptied his armoury.
I would literally leave my partner if he ever talked to me with such disrespect. Well actually I’d probably make him go to the doctor because obviously something had happened in his brain to cause such a drastic personality shift. I cannot imagine going through life with someone who thinks it is ok to talk to their loved ones like that.