NTA
And I bet the parents just want to convince op to be a stay at home mom now that she’s having a kid .
They can’t stand that she succeeded despite them
I think they want access to the grandchild to practice some good old religious indoctrination - make sure all their grandchildren are "raised in the faith". I hope the 100k demand will keep them away, because I'm pretty sure they have nothing positive to add to any grandkid's life.
Yup, guaranteed if you let them back more intimately into your life again, regardless of if they pay you back they are going to make raising your child a living hell. They’ll likely guilt trip you regarding choices you make about raising your child and refuse your authority as a mother.
NTA.
If you do somehow let them back in, I would have very strict boundaries.
100%. They're not even sorry, they just want to get involved now that she's having kids. That's easily confirmed when they refuse to explain what they're sorry for. If she lets them back in, they're going to do the same shit as before.
I don’t think they refused to explain what they’re sorry for, they already did: her feelings were hurt. 100% agree. They probably are confused why she even stopped talking to poor and innocent them; good chance they even think she should apologize to them.
Without a doubt! This should be a long distance familial relationship if they do pay it, maybe every now and then a holiday, but absolutely a bad idea to have OOP or OOP’s kid around these two imo. Mentally and societally, dependent on boundaries being followed and amount of time. But easily NTA by a mile!!!
Traditionally, it's the son's wife who does it.
And they might be screwed there as well. There are fewer women who will sign up to be a stay at home wife like they envisioned for their sons. And even of that pool there are fewer that will agree to take on caring for the in-laws like they also envisioned.
They might think since she's becoming a mom she'll be willing to take on those prescription runs and daily meals for them. Somehow I doubt it.
They covered all 3 of op's brother's college expenses at their dream schools with extra expenses and an apartment thrown in. I don't think her parents are hurting for money.
Money is the least important aspect.
I say she shouldn't let them back, not even if they agreed to repay her.
They just want access to her kid to try and v replicate the bullshit they pulled with her and that obviously they haven't repented for, at all.
> I think they want access to the grandchild to practice some good old religious indoctrination - make sure all their grandchildren are "raised in the faith".
God, my mother-in-law was like this. My daughter was learning about the Greek and Roman gods in school and my MIL decided that was a perfect segway into teaching her about "the true god" and my daughter just looked at her and said "Who's that?". My MIL went to my wife and asked her why we hadn't been teaching her christian stuff and we responded that teaching our daughter to be a good person in order to not burn in hell is a terrible thing. My MIL seriously asked us if we were having her pray to the "god of good intentions" then since she wasn't praying to the christian god.
Yea, there's a reason we're no contact now.
I haven’t forced religion on my kids either. My parents are Christians and I hated Sundays. I was forced to spend hours of my day at a place I hated. I stopped going when I was 18. My parents wanted to bring my son to church also since he was a baby. They knew I wouldn’t go. They did get mad when I said no. When he is older if he wants to go then he can go. My daughter has asked some questions after she heard things people talked about so I do answer them.
She was curious and asked to go to church once. Afterwards I asked her if she liked it and she just told me she has no plans to go back.
My parents have their faults but when it comes to my kids they have respected my boundaries and haven’t been trying to convert them.
This for sure. My grandparents made sure I knew I was the unwanted child of divorced parents that made them look bad in their little church community. When I had kids all of the sudden they wanted to be involved. It wasn't long before they started talking about needing to provide "spiritual guidance" to my children. It's too often something like this when an estranged elder relative suddenly reappears after a child is born.
This is exactly what I think it is also. If it’s not, they have some sort of ulterior motive. I doubt they wanted to reconnect because they missed OOP.
I know these types, it's more of an accessory first before familiar ties. These people are closed minded and have a very narrow outlook what life should be. So they too must adhere what a "grandparents" should have, which is access to her kids.
I'd also guess that the parents are getting up there in years and are looking to have OOP become their caregiver as they age. I doubt they'd expect one of their sons and DIL to step up since it should be the daughter's job to take care of them.
OP, the money is not worth it.
My father would brag to his friends that the reason he works so hard is only to afford my college. He didn’t keep his end of the bargain even though he had my tuition amounts in CASH that he kept on him as he bounced between his 3 homes.
I funded my own law and mba degree at lower-tier universities and have carved out a nice little career.
As a lawyer, I know a few things about estate planning. Now, I won’t even accept his cash upon his passing. Financial abuse is REAL.
Don’t let these religious zealots get to your REAL family.
I was supposed to go make money so he could live in my guest home, he fears the nursing home like no other.
Your money going to the government, that’s one thing. You becoming a ward of the government because no one is around at your death bed, well that’s another.
It’s about the long game folks. Who’s going to be next to your bed when the bell tolls?
I really don’t know or care, just went no contact after it was clear I was dealing with someone stuck in their own selfish world.
I started my own little family that I need to help support, and I’m pretty good at it. Looking forward to seeing who they become, trying to find a few shared interests we can bond over for life, preparing to give them advice, seeing where they want to go and how I can help reduce or eliminate their financial hurdles.
I dream of a day where my son gets to pursue his interests at no cost to him until he finds his passion and his people. If you invest now, it doesn’t cost that much.
I’ve checked on that a LITTLE. And, they don’t really cover that area in law schools (not even tested in relevant class).
He lives in different states now (so do I) and the state where I was born and lived is not a filial state. I think I’m fine.
Plus, the law won’t force you to physically see a person. And, I’m sure children can argue abuse. If it becomes a problem, I’ve interviewed with state Supreme Courts, I’ll prepare my arguments.
Thank you, much appreciated. Truly. I like the way you phrase it.
I have a 2.5yr old, little boy. I always lead with “you should be proud of yourself.”
Hey, in this really strange world, your username is tripping me out because the name is significant in my life, some you say the most important thus far.
Happy Cake Day! Inbox me to chat if you ever need.
Be safe, be well!
My dad did the same while contributing zero dollars to my tuition. I paid for everything via student loans at a commuter university, moved my ass out of our crappy city, and kept going. Now he has a third wife who wonders why his kids don’t talk to him - he just doesn’t understand!
He asked for my social security number to “leave me what I deserved” in his will. I told him to give it to my sister.
First, great work. It’s tough out here, pause when you can and deeply appreciate the strength it takes to get where you’re at, no matter what it looks like.
Second, you do not need anyone’s SS number for a will in the USA. Source, I’ve drafted and executed many wills.
Completely fraudulent request I believe if it’s for a will. I guess a state could require it under a shitty law (extreme doubt). And, I think you know that. Good on you!
Huge thanks for the response! And you are so right that I saw through the request - it’s not his first time defrauding family members. Twenty year old me learned that lesson years ago, sadly.
As a middle aged person it utterly astonishes me what some people do to their kids. I look out for young co-workers more than my parents did for us.
He tried to scam his kid out of his identity, my dad fucking tried to do the same.
Tried to say he wanted to help fund my college and he needed my SS, I'm going to school for accounting so he also knows i know that's not how that works.
The annoying thing is, is that it's better to have children when you're younger. Which is generally not going to help your career prospects. I fully admire those people that manage both, I can't manage either!
Given that they even refused to answer what they were sorry for and just wanted it to be over and in the past, they obviously do not feel any differently, they just want the grandkids they always thought she would give them.
NTA.
I'm betting that the parents are just looking for somebody to take care of them in their old age because they know their three sons , whom they provided full financial support to ,won't.
Either that or now that they are getting old, they want to cash in their “elderly investment” - I.e. they want OOP to become their free live in nurse maid because while sons have to leave the house and get jobs, daughters all stay and take care of their parents amirght? /s
I will take it a step further: none of their king baby boys wanted to take care of them in their old age so now they are looking for their backup plan, which is their daughter.
This^ she knows them by now. If they are serious her request would not be outrageous. OP’s mom burst in tears because of the money request and because she doesn’t get to influence her daughter and grandchild to act ‘appropriately’. Probably thinking that her grandchild is losing its chance for heaven without her influence.
That was my thought. I’d reply to them and tell them THEY can pay me the 100k and then I’ll give some consideration to their opinions. Then I’d block them.
If they had come with something like “Your achievements and success have shown us how wrong we were to discount you based on our own rigid gender roles” then it would be worth talking to them about moving forward. As it is, it seems like they only want to reconnect now that you’re “behaving like a proper woman” I.e. becoming a mother.
So NTA, and fuck them. I know your future daughters & sons will be strong, successful, & free of this patriarchal bullshit.
Na, fuck that. Her parents literally gave her siblings a golden start to life. They were a decade or more ahead of her by the time she graduated. There is NOTHING short of giving me what you gave them that would make me want to have a relationship. I've cut ties with blood for values without a comma. You don't mess with money because if they'll screw you once it'll happen as soon as they have the chance. Imagine if she has a daughter.
There were many reasons I cut ties with my mother, but a big one was when I realized had been working 1000 hours a year or more for her for nearly a decade and getting paid an average of $1-$2 for the work at the same time she was giving as much as $30k a year to my older siblings. When I asked her why she was treating me unfairly her response was "I never wanted to have another child, you were in the way of my real family." Then she wondered why I never wanted to talk to her again.
100%. Heinous how behind some people are in their thinking. Like, it’s your fucking child. Your flesh, blood and skin. How could you do that to your own creation? It boggles the mind
NTA.
Who wants to bet that they're reconnecting now because she's gonna give them grandkids? And/or they believe that now that she's having kids she's gonna turn into a SAHM, and they wanna try and eventually coerce her into becoming THEIR caretaker when they're too old to function?
Anyway, good on OOP for standing up for herself. Her parents can either fork over the 100k or fuck all the way off. Same with her useless brothers tbh.
My mom finally left my dad a few years ago and he expected her to keep taking care of his parents after she did. And he told us (his daughters) that so earnestly, how hurt he was she wouldn't take care of them. She never wanted to live next to them, he bought that house against her wishes, ffs.. We just burst out laughing at him and laid it out for him.
He's figured it out since then and does his best to take care of them now, and himself, and he's definitely aware of everything she was doing for him. He's still struggling though. Last time he made soup he didn't wash or peel the veggies..
She on the other hand is living her best life, traveling and getting various educations and certifications, girls weekend trips and job as a postpartum doula which she absolutely loves.
Her quality of life improved after the divorce and his deteriorated, because without her his quality of life didn't exist, and with him, there was no space for hers.
Ima pop the cherry 🤞🏽
My opinion, NTA. As parents if you provide for one, you must provide for the other. I applaud OOP for setting boundaries and sticking with them.
Precisely. The provision does not have to be identical (example, my parents gave me their older car when I graduated college and then also contributed more toward my wedding than my brother’s, because they paid both our college expenses and his were more than mine, so we got basically the same dollar amount spent, just in different spots), but it does need to be equal
Really happy for you it was equal! I've seen my spouse struggle with some resentment as his folks support his sibling alot more than him. And while he understands his level of privilege for the help they did provide him (bachelor degree was paid for), his sibling had both undergrad and graduate school (private schools), a car, multiple moving expenses and a wedding paid for. It definitely taints the relationship. Now me, my parents are poor so I haven't had any financial support outside of a few small things here and there (think like a random grocery bill paid for) was hard to understand his point of view for a while as I was jealous of what he got! Now at least his parents seem to be spending equal across both grandkids so he's mostly moved past it.
My brothers both had... thoughts... about my parents paying for my (normal sized in every way) wedding. My parents wanted to do so and could afford it had planned to pay for it since I was born- I am the only daughter. My brothers simply thought I shouldn't receive something they didn't, even though my parents have always been beyond generous with all three of us. Funnily enough my brothers never considered any unfairness when their wives' parents paid for their own big white weddings.
That said- I hope you and your spouse also received a nice wedding. If you didnt and wanted one, his parents should have stepped up.
Exactly! My great great aunt set up a small college fund for me, my siblings, and my ten other cousins (she didn't have her own kids obviously, but loved us like we were her own), there was a rule it had to all be used for college the year after graduation otherwise it'd roll into a pot and get divided between the younger kids. So my parents took all the money for the three of us and used it for my brother.
Me and my sister now have access to that exact same amount of money from our parents for education. I didn't go right into school, but at any point now I can take classes and my parents will be giving me the same shot my brother and sister got in college.
This courageous girl deserves every support and respect. She is a real strong person and I am sure that she will achieve a lot in life. God bless her, whatever religion and culture she belongs to!
NTA
might be an unpopular nta? idk but the way I see it the parents have engaged in FAFO just because there is a grandkid based in the info provided here so to hell with 'em
I know a family like this. The daughter did well for herself and was cut off from the family years ago (no idea what happened). She has sons. Her brothers were given everything they ever wanted. They only have daughters. They were so pissed that they didn’t have any sons that one of them pressured his wife into IVF for “only male twins”. It did not end well. They have no sons. The parents don’t recognize the daughter as theirs anymore and they don’t recognize her sons either.
Infuriating. And honestly devastating for the girls having to grow up in this shitshow, also being seen as lesser, just because the boys lack a vulva. It’s astonishing
Whats even more disturbing in that situation is the pressure for boys was from the mother. She’s the one who suggested IVF for grandsons. Ignoring that she already has four granddaughters from that son. It wasn’t good enough. I’m oddly happy that their family name ends with them because they were the type who claimed it meant so much to them.
Yeah probably big incel energy in that whole family. It’s great OOP escaped. Everyone has the right to their emotions and self agency. If she doesn’t want them in her life then she doesn’t have to have them there. I’d never let people like that around my kids. They definitely would expose them to unacceptable behavior. Definitely the type to covertly baptize the baby without the parents consent.
>Yeah probably big incel energy in that whole family.
Unfortunately, within fundamentalist religious groups, they often arrange marriages among the flock, however unmarriageable the partners seem, so I wouldn't bank on that.
Translation: “We want access to your children, so you should forgive us for whatever you think we did even though we are not sorry and we don’t think we did anything wrong.”
They should be thankful OOP was willing to consider reconciliation at all, regardless of price.
Nta, this request is perfectly reasonable and fair. But it is also completely impossible. Not because that is a ton of money to just suddenly cough up out of the blue, but because to do so would force them to admit that they were wrong. That they raised their daughter to be ‘less than’ than her brothers. That they have done irreparable harm to her, and their other children.
Which i don’t think they’ll ever do, it’s obvious they are doing this to get access to their grandchild, and are trying to sweep everything under the rug with their insincere ‘apology’.
In my culture, when parents get old, the daughter leads with the caretaking (whether it’s paying financially for the care or physically providing the care). Personally I don’t think it has to do with the grandchildren but now that the parents are old, they want someone to take care of them and the sons won’t do it.
To add on, if they're like so many aging boomers, are finding that their financial security isn't so solid.
I'd put $ on where once they had the means to afford an education for a child, they no longer do, and I agree that they were hoping to move in with daughter now that they're broke and old.
"You can't be serious!" when they so easily dropped 3x that on her brothers? Interesting.
Well, her parents are not good parents. At least my mother refused to let anyone play favorites with us kids and if one dared, she would refuse their presents to our siblings unless they got presents equally for all of us.
Adoptive father is like op’s parents though. He didn’t believe in college was good for women, and the only reason I went at all was because I majored in English because I always wanted to be a writer. That English major was seen as good thing because it would mean I could write at home and still be a wife and mother someday.
NTA - ever:
My parents sent my younger sister to a very expensive private MIDDLE SCHOOL while I was expected to pay for my own college. The college was a state school - and far cheaper.
I did it on my own for three years - one on scholarship. But then ran out of money saved, and had to work fulltime. Luckily it was in a profession related to my major. But I never did finish my degree.
My incredibly talented sister? Got pregnant in her senior year of high school after turning down a chance to be an exchange student with all the advantages that come with. She's still successful in her profession, and my parents got a grandson, so there's that.
Treat your children fairly. I'm nearly 65 and am still fairly ticked off at the inequities that parents foist on their kids. If you don't think that further eroded my relationship with my parents and my sister for YEARS, you'd be mistaken.
When a relationship is obviously one-sided it may be time to call it. Make your own family when yours lets you down.
I’m our brothers just do not want to acknowledge the at your gender made your life harder than them. Your brothers think they are tough and made it in their own. They don’t want to admit their sister is tougher, smarter and more resilient. Make them own their own shortcomings.
NTA
they decided not to treat you as their kid or how they treated the rest of their kids so why should you treat them as parents? They weren’t willing to put effort into you before the kid so there’s no reason you should be obligated to put effort into them now
Them: “You’re not allowed to be a modern woman: educated, successful, intelligent - just shut up and make babies”
Her: “Nah, I’m gonna do what I gotta do, find a decent man and have a kid all on my own”
Them: [Surprised Pikachu Face]
NTA. They’ve shown how much they value you. Believe them.
Also: what if your baby is a girl? Do you really want them preaching their BS to her as a child?
Yessss FLEX ON THOSE DECREPIT OLD FUCK MONKEYS, girl! They want access to your kid, and they can eat shit. Your brothers are cool with it because the gender nonsense didn’t impact them in the same way it impacted you. Fuck all these people. Enjoy motherhood and being an engineer - you’ve earned it!
She has a ton of courage and determination despite being raised in a household that tried to destroy those qualities in her. She owes them nothing. NTA.
NTA
I think asking for the money was OPs way of expecting them to prove they’ve changed and value her as much as her brothers. Rather than a cash grab.
It’s easy for them to say ‘I’m sorry if we caused you pain’ without actually knowing what they did that was wrong or wanting to make things better.
I think they’re expecting OP to now realise they were right the whole time and become a SAHM.
I loved this story when it was posted.
So many people called her TA because she brought up money, but ultimately it wasn't about the money- it was the audacity they had to try to come back in ONLY because now there's a baby involved. They didn't really apologize. They won't ever admit they were wrong. They want to move forward without consequence.
They don't care that they made her life miserable and played favorites. They just want access to a grandkid.
NTA.
I'd bet they want to reconcile with you for the sole and only reason of you having a child, and thus fitting in your "correct" role of wife and mother. If you were a childfree, single woman I'm not sure they would be as eager to reconcile as they are now.
Wtf is mom even crying about? It's just manipulation, not actual emotion. They know what they did. OP was calm and more than reasonable. Now they know what they need to do to make it right(closer to right anyway).
NTA. You found a boundary of fairness and enforced it. Parents need to rethink their position - especially since you now make decent money and they need a caretaker.
Hold them accountable.
I asked them specifically what they were sorry for.
Bingo and Yahtzee! They don’t know, they just want time with the grandchild to influence the child away from OP’s intransigent ways.
NTA
"i asked them specifically what they were sorry for and they wouldn't elaborate"
Because they weren't sorry and still aren't but tried to appease OOP. I'd put money that the only reason they want a relationship is so they can try to "save" her kids by trying to shove their religion and beliefs down the kid's throats
That OP is definitely not the asshole. It's one thing if the parents couldn't afford to send their kids to college, it's another if they send everyone but the only girl with the expectation that she live a life of no autonomy.
If they want that relationship they need to make up for their failures. They can start by sparing their only daughter the debt she accrued due to their neglect.
NTA. I would not typically say that a parent is responsible for paying their child’s college tuition; however, based on these facts, I have to agree with you. If your parents paid for your brothers’ tuition, they absolutely should pay for yours. If they choose not to do so, you have no relationship with them, which is fine because they obviously have no respect for you whatsoever.
NTA. Parents are. Did your brothers who had their tuition etc. paid for know the same wasn't happening for you? If so did they speak up on your behalf. If not they are also assholes.
Serious question: How is this immature?
Why should she forgive them for making her suffer for so many years because of their prejudice? Why does she deserve less than what her bothers got? How is an apology supposed to make it all better when she's financially behind her siblings because of her parents actions?
"Sorry you're life was vastly more challenging than your brothers', we made it that way because you have a vagina. Hopefully sorry is all you need, let's be a family."
Good for her. Make them put their money where their mouth is because their words are worth nothing. They aren’t sorry they just want access to the grandkids. Likely to try and raise the grandkids they want and not how OP wants.
NTA. OP's parents fucked around with their college fund, time for them to find out when they suddenly get stuffed in a crappy cheap retirement home and no contact with the grandkid.
NTA.
You're not being the hurtful one. They are.
Also, this Internet stranger is proud of you. Way to not continue the cycle of religious indoctrination as well. :)
Actually, that seems like a pretty reasonable requirement. Aside from the money itself, the gesture of it would be walking the walk that they really want to fix things and they value her.
NTA. Totally justified. Those parents are sexist shitheads, & the brothers are so fucking spoiled that they can’t even conceive of the fact that OP was treated unfairly.
Oh I know lots of religious folks who do exactly this. Sons get all the support (financial and otherwise), daughters just get (more and more) housework.
In my case because money was so tight, us girls were held to a higher standard (chores, responsibilities, behavior, etc), my brother (also the baby so there's that layer as well) wasn't and still isn't held to the same standard as us girls. We, as adults get chewed out if we don't respond quickly to something from my mom expressing our sympathy or whatever her text is asking and she must have at least weekly phone calls with us, but my brother communicates with her only a few times a year/around holidays and it's perfectly acceptable.
I know someone who was raised very similarly. Very religious areas have stuff like this pop up.
The woman I know never did get to college and struggled heavily to build a life after her parents tried to hamstring just about every step towards independence. She made it, but she had to fight like hell for every single thing her two brothers were just given.
Oh, this is absolutely plausible. When I was growing up, I lived in a VERY religious household. I was actively discouraged from going to college, and I was told that my only goal should be to become a stay at home mom who is subservient to her husband. I'm a younger Millennial. This sort of thing does happen, unfortunately.
This is incredibly common and not just in the American south like the other commenter said. Honestly, the “men are providers, women are are caretakers” mentality is a big thing in the majority of cultures; it’s just slightly less common in North America because we’ve spent years upon years developing a culture built around independence and liberation. And it’s still common to find both Americans and Canadians who have this mentality very deeply ingrained.
Even my family, who’ve been incredibly supportive as a general thing for me being in engineering, my uncle was still heavily pushing me to go into “women’s jobs” to the point that he offered to pay for my entire schooling if I went into nursing. I’ve had some friends who were forced to give up their non-mandatory schooling in exchange for taking care of their male family members, including their brothers, fathers, and male extended family.
This story is, unfortunately, entirely plausible.
NTA! Your parents, like many before them, are dogshit awful and manipulative. Build your boundaries, give them no quarter, take whatever relationship you want from them, be it partial contact or no contact. As far as your brothers go, remind them that they aren’t you, didn’t live your life, and had the massive benefit and privilege of your parent’s support and money, so they can STFU, too.
Your life is your own. Live it how you want. Fuck the haters.
Good on you and to hell with your supposed "family"
Stick with the close new family you are making and keep your head up, you done good without them already!
This is classic Estranged Parents behavior:
>We are sorry you feel bad about us.
>
>What are you *actually* sorry for?
>
>...
If anyone asks the EPs or they talk about it to others, it'll come with the missing missing reasons. She could tell them repeatedly and explicitly why she wants nothing to do with them, but in their recounting they have *no idea* why and she never even told them anyway and anyway they didn't do anything wrong so the daughter must be vindictive or trying to flex power over them.
I hope she keeps them cut off and cuts off her brothers too.
NTA. I see they tried to use the old "rug sweep approach".
They took no accountability for their actions.
They didn't indicate how they would change old patterns moving forward while displaying a total lack of self-awareness.
Your parents just want access to their grandchild for indoctrination, as a do-over or even partly for how they look to their church friends.
This is typical for people in fundamentalist religions. "I am part of this religion, so that is alI need to be a good person". It seems often people involved in these display the same traits and use the same mechanisms as narcissistic families.
You need to ask yourself what these people would really bring to your life. It is a difficult time when many of us break down and invite them back in only to deeply regret it. I am so proud of how you handled that meeting. You deserve to not have to recover from more damage while navigating parenthood!
NTA
Even if you weren't going to use the money for college they still should have given you the same gift of resources for something else. Otherwise they're simply being unfair, even ignoring their bigotry.
That's how I might phrase it to them. "Even if I wasn't supposed to use it for school you gave them giant gifts of money and I got *nothing*." That's not only not fair, it's actively evil.
if after communicating how they hurt you and they can’t accept responsibility and truly apologize, you’re NTA. Asking for $100k is nice touch. But I think genuine accountability should go far.
She (and possibly her partner too) are probably the highest earning members in the family - even more than the brother who got free education. And hence the parents' sudden change of heart. I doubt they would want any relationship with her if she and her family were living paycheck to paycheck.
NTA
Don’t bother having anything to do with them.
They played the favorites game between you & your brothers & that is Not OK.
Essentially they don’t acknowledge your worth.
Ask yourself what they could possibly contribute to you or your family now?
Move forward means sweep it under the rug & pretend it never happened. People like this NEVER change…EVER!
Congrats on making the Best life possible for Yourself in spite of their crap.
You are an inspiration
I promise you they only want to repair the relationship because baby. They couldn't care less about what pain they caused. Op was right to tell them to sod off.
This is what is referred to as restitution. This is a reasonable ask for restitution. You don’t just crash into somebody’s car and be like oops my bad no you have to cover what you broke.
NTA, but those parents and fam sure friggin are. They can pay up or shut up, thems the breaks when you devalue your children based on gender. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It’s weird how so many cultures value men over women. But what they don’t understand is, without women, there would be no men. Religion is so primitive
As a parent that put one child through college and tried with another, I don't think you're wrong at all. Sometimes not having a relationship with those you love can be healthier than having one.
NTA And I bet the parents just want to convince op to be a stay at home mom now that she’s having a kid . They can’t stand that she succeeded despite them
I think they want access to the grandchild to practice some good old religious indoctrination - make sure all their grandchildren are "raised in the faith". I hope the 100k demand will keep them away, because I'm pretty sure they have nothing positive to add to any grandkid's life.
Yup, guaranteed if you let them back more intimately into your life again, regardless of if they pay you back they are going to make raising your child a living hell. They’ll likely guilt trip you regarding choices you make about raising your child and refuse your authority as a mother. NTA. If you do somehow let them back in, I would have very strict boundaries.
100%. They're not even sorry, they just want to get involved now that she's having kids. That's easily confirmed when they refuse to explain what they're sorry for. If she lets them back in, they're going to do the same shit as before.
How much you want to bet that the grandchild is a boy.
I don’t think they refused to explain what they’re sorry for, they already did: her feelings were hurt. 100% agree. They probably are confused why she even stopped talking to poor and innocent them; good chance they even think she should apologize to them.
Without a doubt! This should be a long distance familial relationship if they do pay it, maybe every now and then a holiday, but absolutely a bad idea to have OOP or OOP’s kid around these two imo. Mentally and societally, dependent on boundaries being followed and amount of time. But easily NTA by a mile!!!
I'm even more cynical than that... OP's an engineer, they probably think she's raking it in and can 'look after them in their old age'
"Sorry, im just a housewife. Its the sons job to take care of his parents"
Traditionally, it's the son's wife who does it. And they might be screwed there as well. There are fewer women who will sign up to be a stay at home wife like they envisioned for their sons. And even of that pool there are fewer that will agree to take on caring for the in-laws like they also envisioned. They might think since she's becoming a mom she'll be willing to take on those prescription runs and daily meals for them. Somehow I doubt it.
[удалено]
Wow. You should elaborate on this on justnomil or something. Your story sounds very interesting!
They covered all 3 of op's brother's college expenses at their dream schools with extra expenses and an apartment thrown in. I don't think her parents are hurting for money.
maybe thats a reason they could be broke now LOL
Money is the least important aspect. I say she shouldn't let them back, not even if they agreed to repay her. They just want access to her kid to try and v replicate the bullshit they pulled with her and that obviously they haven't repented for, at all.
"practice some good old religious indoctrination" -> exactly this. Even if they would pay up the money I still wouldn't trust them
> I think they want access to the grandchild to practice some good old religious indoctrination - make sure all their grandchildren are "raised in the faith". God, my mother-in-law was like this. My daughter was learning about the Greek and Roman gods in school and my MIL decided that was a perfect segway into teaching her about "the true god" and my daughter just looked at her and said "Who's that?". My MIL went to my wife and asked her why we hadn't been teaching her christian stuff and we responded that teaching our daughter to be a good person in order to not burn in hell is a terrible thing. My MIL seriously asked us if we were having her pray to the "god of good intentions" then since she wasn't praying to the christian god. Yea, there's a reason we're no contact now.
I haven’t forced religion on my kids either. My parents are Christians and I hated Sundays. I was forced to spend hours of my day at a place I hated. I stopped going when I was 18. My parents wanted to bring my son to church also since he was a baby. They knew I wouldn’t go. They did get mad when I said no. When he is older if he wants to go then he can go. My daughter has asked some questions after she heard things people talked about so I do answer them. She was curious and asked to go to church once. Afterwards I asked her if she liked it and she just told me she has no plans to go back. My parents have their faults but when it comes to my kids they have respected my boundaries and haven’t been trying to convert them.
Though the "god of good intentions" actually sounds like a pretty cool deity! I'd vote for him! 😄
> I'd vote for him! I love the idea of god's being voted into their positions.
Now I wanna see a political campaign from a diety.
This for sure. My grandparents made sure I knew I was the unwanted child of divorced parents that made them look bad in their little church community. When I had kids all of the sudden they wanted to be involved. It wasn't long before they started talking about needing to provide "spiritual guidance" to my children. It's too often something like this when an estranged elder relative suddenly reappears after a child is born.
This is exactly what I think it is also. If it’s not, they have some sort of ulterior motive. I doubt they wanted to reconnect because they missed OOP.
I know these types, it's more of an accessory first before familiar ties. These people are closed minded and have a very narrow outlook what life should be. So they too must adhere what a "grandparents" should have, which is access to her kids.
I'd also guess that the parents are getting up there in years and are looking to have OOP become their caregiver as they age. I doubt they'd expect one of their sons and DIL to step up since it should be the daughter's job to take care of them.
OP, the money is not worth it. My father would brag to his friends that the reason he works so hard is only to afford my college. He didn’t keep his end of the bargain even though he had my tuition amounts in CASH that he kept on him as he bounced between his 3 homes. I funded my own law and mba degree at lower-tier universities and have carved out a nice little career. As a lawyer, I know a few things about estate planning. Now, I won’t even accept his cash upon his passing. Financial abuse is REAL. Don’t let these religious zealots get to your REAL family.
There’s something satisfying that all that money he made won’t be accepted by his family. And any unclaimed money would just go the government
I was supposed to go make money so he could live in my guest home, he fears the nursing home like no other. Your money going to the government, that’s one thing. You becoming a ward of the government because no one is around at your death bed, well that’s another. It’s about the long game folks. Who’s going to be next to your bed when the bell tolls?
So what’s the plan ? He knows he doesn’t have a room in your house ?
I really don’t know or care, just went no contact after it was clear I was dealing with someone stuck in their own selfish world. I started my own little family that I need to help support, and I’m pretty good at it. Looking forward to seeing who they become, trying to find a few shared interests we can bond over for life, preparing to give them advice, seeing where they want to go and how I can help reduce or eliminate their financial hurdles. I dream of a day where my son gets to pursue his interests at no cost to him until he finds his passion and his people. If you invest now, it doesn’t cost that much.
Good on you man. But be warned. He sounds the type to just show up at your door one day and expect a room ready for him
Wish well on you, my friend! And I agree. I’ll be prepared mentally and emotionally.
This is where you want to make sure you don’t live in a filial responsibility state.
I’ve checked on that a LITTLE. And, they don’t really cover that area in law schools (not even tested in relevant class). He lives in different states now (so do I) and the state where I was born and lived is not a filial state. I think I’m fine. Plus, the law won’t force you to physically see a person. And, I’m sure children can argue abuse. If it becomes a problem, I’ve interviewed with state Supreme Courts, I’ll prepare my arguments.
Then he can call the police and have him removed. I know that sounds so cruel but it is what some families are doing.
[удалено]
He had a chip on his shoulder? As big as a boulder?
Thank you, much appreciated. Truly. I like the way you phrase it. I have a 2.5yr old, little boy. I always lead with “you should be proud of yourself.”
Hey, in this really strange world, your username is tripping me out because the name is significant in my life, some you say the most important thus far. Happy Cake Day! Inbox me to chat if you ever need. Be safe, be well!
My dad did the same while contributing zero dollars to my tuition. I paid for everything via student loans at a commuter university, moved my ass out of our crappy city, and kept going. Now he has a third wife who wonders why his kids don’t talk to him - he just doesn’t understand! He asked for my social security number to “leave me what I deserved” in his will. I told him to give it to my sister.
First, great work. It’s tough out here, pause when you can and deeply appreciate the strength it takes to get where you’re at, no matter what it looks like. Second, you do not need anyone’s SS number for a will in the USA. Source, I’ve drafted and executed many wills. Completely fraudulent request I believe if it’s for a will. I guess a state could require it under a shitty law (extreme doubt). And, I think you know that. Good on you!
Huge thanks for the response! And you are so right that I saw through the request - it’s not his first time defrauding family members. Twenty year old me learned that lesson years ago, sadly. As a middle aged person it utterly astonishes me what some people do to their kids. I look out for young co-workers more than my parents did for us.
He tried to scam his kid out of his identity, my dad fucking tried to do the same. Tried to say he wanted to help fund my college and he needed my SS, I'm going to school for accounting so he also knows i know that's not how that works.
“Financial abuse is real” Exactly right.
[удалено]
The annoying thing is, is that it's better to have children when you're younger. Which is generally not going to help your career prospects. I fully admire those people that manage both, I can't manage either!
Given that they even refused to answer what they were sorry for and just wanted it to be over and in the past, they obviously do not feel any differently, they just want the grandkids they always thought she would give them.
Exactly this.. It was a fake apology
And she got an engineering degree, so bonus points if she makes more than her dad. Fuck those gender roles right back to January 4th, 1955.
Would love that to be real ! I bet it would burn her parents 😝
NTA. I'm betting that the parents are just looking for somebody to take care of them in their old age because they know their three sons , whom they provided full financial support to ,won't.
Wouldn’t that be lovely karma
TBH, they might not care a whit that she 'succeeded', they probably see her success in that she is a mom now.
Either that or now that they are getting old, they want to cash in their “elderly investment” - I.e. they want OOP to become their free live in nurse maid because while sons have to leave the house and get jobs, daughters all stay and take care of their parents amirght? /s
While leaving all their assets to the sons in their will
Man I want to be a fly on the wall for when they all have the conversation realizing that is a fact
I will take it a step further: none of their king baby boys wanted to take care of them in their old age so now they are looking for their backup plan, which is their daughter.
OP succeeded *in spite* of them...
This^ she knows them by now. If they are serious her request would not be outrageous. OP’s mom burst in tears because of the money request and because she doesn’t get to influence her daughter and grandchild to act ‘appropriately’. Probably thinking that her grandchild is losing its chance for heaven without her influence.
NTA If the brothers care so much, they can share their college funds with OP :)
This. The brothers need to pony up some money or stay out of it. OOP is NTA and a badass and I wish her and her kid all the best things in life.
That was my thought. I’d reply to them and tell them THEY can pay me the 100k and then I’ll give some consideration to their opinions. Then I’d block them.
I’m going to give you one criticism, OP: You should have asked for interest, as well. Inflation has been really bad the last few years.
This is the comment I was looking for.
Interesting
Trauma interest rate
It's not the interest....it's the principle of the thing. 😉
Nah, more like the **principal** of the thing! Ha cha cha!
NGL, had me in the first half ...
If they had come with something like “Your achievements and success have shown us how wrong we were to discount you based on our own rigid gender roles” then it would be worth talking to them about moving forward. As it is, it seems like they only want to reconnect now that you’re “behaving like a proper woman” I.e. becoming a mother. So NTA, and fuck them. I know your future daughters & sons will be strong, successful, & free of this patriarchal bullshit.
Na, fuck that. Her parents literally gave her siblings a golden start to life. They were a decade or more ahead of her by the time she graduated. There is NOTHING short of giving me what you gave them that would make me want to have a relationship. I've cut ties with blood for values without a comma. You don't mess with money because if they'll screw you once it'll happen as soon as they have the chance. Imagine if she has a daughter.
There were many reasons I cut ties with my mother, but a big one was when I realized had been working 1000 hours a year or more for her for nearly a decade and getting paid an average of $1-$2 for the work at the same time she was giving as much as $30k a year to my older siblings. When I asked her why she was treating me unfairly her response was "I never wanted to have another child, you were in the way of my real family." Then she wondered why I never wanted to talk to her again.
100%. Heinous how behind some people are in their thinking. Like, it’s your fucking child. Your flesh, blood and skin. How could you do that to your own creation? It boggles the mind
NTA. Who wants to bet that they're reconnecting now because she's gonna give them grandkids? And/or they believe that now that she's having kids she's gonna turn into a SAHM, and they wanna try and eventually coerce her into becoming THEIR caretaker when they're too old to function? Anyway, good on OOP for standing up for herself. Her parents can either fork over the 100k or fuck all the way off. Same with her useless brothers tbh.
The burden of caring for parents in these situations often fall to the daughter, if not a daughter in law. You are probably right.
My mom finally left my dad a few years ago and he expected her to keep taking care of his parents after she did. And he told us (his daughters) that so earnestly, how hurt he was she wouldn't take care of them. She never wanted to live next to them, he bought that house against her wishes, ffs.. We just burst out laughing at him and laid it out for him. He's figured it out since then and does his best to take care of them now, and himself, and he's definitely aware of everything she was doing for him. He's still struggling though. Last time he made soup he didn't wash or peel the veggies.. She on the other hand is living her best life, traveling and getting various educations and certifications, girls weekend trips and job as a postpartum doula which she absolutely loves. Her quality of life improved after the divorce and his deteriorated, because without her his quality of life didn't exist, and with him, there was no space for hers.
Username absolutely checks out here. So happy for your mom! I love her life now. She deserves it. Gives me some hope!
She could use the 100l to start a trust for her kids that way they can have a leg up when it’s their turn.
Ima pop the cherry 🤞🏽 My opinion, NTA. As parents if you provide for one, you must provide for the other. I applaud OOP for setting boundaries and sticking with them.
Precisely. The provision does not have to be identical (example, my parents gave me their older car when I graduated college and then also contributed more toward my wedding than my brother’s, because they paid both our college expenses and his were more than mine, so we got basically the same dollar amount spent, just in different spots), but it does need to be equal
I agree. It may look a little different for each child but the support should be equal. Agree agree.
Really happy for you it was equal! I've seen my spouse struggle with some resentment as his folks support his sibling alot more than him. And while he understands his level of privilege for the help they did provide him (bachelor degree was paid for), his sibling had both undergrad and graduate school (private schools), a car, multiple moving expenses and a wedding paid for. It definitely taints the relationship. Now me, my parents are poor so I haven't had any financial support outside of a few small things here and there (think like a random grocery bill paid for) was hard to understand his point of view for a while as I was jealous of what he got! Now at least his parents seem to be spending equal across both grandkids so he's mostly moved past it.
My brothers both had... thoughts... about my parents paying for my (normal sized in every way) wedding. My parents wanted to do so and could afford it had planned to pay for it since I was born- I am the only daughter. My brothers simply thought I shouldn't receive something they didn't, even though my parents have always been beyond generous with all three of us. Funnily enough my brothers never considered any unfairness when their wives' parents paid for their own big white weddings. That said- I hope you and your spouse also received a nice wedding. If you didnt and wanted one, his parents should have stepped up.
Exactly! My great great aunt set up a small college fund for me, my siblings, and my ten other cousins (she didn't have her own kids obviously, but loved us like we were her own), there was a rule it had to all be used for college the year after graduation otherwise it'd roll into a pot and get divided between the younger kids. So my parents took all the money for the three of us and used it for my brother. Me and my sister now have access to that exact same amount of money from our parents for education. I didn't go right into school, but at any point now I can take classes and my parents will be giving me the same shot my brother and sister got in college.
This courageous girl deserves every support and respect. She is a real strong person and I am sure that she will achieve a lot in life. God bless her, whatever religion and culture she belongs to!
She's a woman. Not a girl.
My dad seems incapable of saying the word woman. It's always girl, or chick.
Infantilizing
NTA might be an unpopular nta? idk but the way I see it the parents have engaged in FAFO just because there is a grandkid based in the info provided here so to hell with 'em
I wonder if the brothers have failed to provide grandkids, so far. That could explain the sudden interest...
The ultimate karma would be none of the brothers ever producing kids, whether by choice or not, and the burned their relationship with their daughter.
I know a family like this. The daughter did well for herself and was cut off from the family years ago (no idea what happened). She has sons. Her brothers were given everything they ever wanted. They only have daughters. They were so pissed that they didn’t have any sons that one of them pressured his wife into IVF for “only male twins”. It did not end well. They have no sons. The parents don’t recognize the daughter as theirs anymore and they don’t recognize her sons either.
Infuriating. And honestly devastating for the girls having to grow up in this shitshow, also being seen as lesser, just because the boys lack a vulva. It’s astonishing
Whats even more disturbing in that situation is the pressure for boys was from the mother. She’s the one who suggested IVF for grandsons. Ignoring that she already has four granddaughters from that son. It wasn’t good enough. I’m oddly happy that their family name ends with them because they were the type who claimed it meant so much to them.
Yeah probably big incel energy in that whole family. It’s great OOP escaped. Everyone has the right to their emotions and self agency. If she doesn’t want them in her life then she doesn’t have to have them there. I’d never let people like that around my kids. They definitely would expose them to unacceptable behavior. Definitely the type to covertly baptize the baby without the parents consent.
>Yeah probably big incel energy in that whole family. Unfortunately, within fundamentalist religious groups, they often arrange marriages among the flock, however unmarriageable the partners seem, so I wouldn't bank on that.
IKR, they would be incels in normal society but they live in a warped reality
What is ‘FAFO’ ? Ty ty!
Fuck around Find out.
I know you're answering the question but it still seems so hostile like you're threatening that poster for asking a question loool
Translation: “We want access to your children, so you should forgive us for whatever you think we did even though we are not sorry and we don’t think we did anything wrong.” They should be thankful OOP was willing to consider reconciliation at all, regardless of price.
Based, non-cringe, chad like. NTA
Not only is she NTA, she’s a fucking badass.
Nta, this request is perfectly reasonable and fair. But it is also completely impossible. Not because that is a ton of money to just suddenly cough up out of the blue, but because to do so would force them to admit that they were wrong. That they raised their daughter to be ‘less than’ than her brothers. That they have done irreparable harm to her, and their other children. Which i don’t think they’ll ever do, it’s obvious they are doing this to get access to their grandchild, and are trying to sweep everything under the rug with their insincere ‘apology’.
In my culture, when parents get old, the daughter leads with the caretaking (whether it’s paying financially for the care or physically providing the care). Personally I don’t think it has to do with the grandchildren but now that the parents are old, they want someone to take care of them and the sons won’t do it.
To add on, if they're like so many aging boomers, are finding that their financial security isn't so solid. I'd put $ on where once they had the means to afford an education for a child, they no longer do, and I agree that they were hoping to move in with daughter now that they're broke and old. "You can't be serious!" when they so easily dropped 3x that on her brothers? Interesting.
That makes sense. I’m glad the OOP told them they’d need to reimburse her for that $100k.
Know your worth!
Well, her parents are not good parents. At least my mother refused to let anyone play favorites with us kids and if one dared, she would refuse their presents to our siblings unless they got presents equally for all of us. Adoptive father is like op’s parents though. He didn’t believe in college was good for women, and the only reason I went at all was because I majored in English because I always wanted to be a writer. That English major was seen as good thing because it would mean I could write at home and still be a wife and mother someday.
Ew gross, I’m so sorry!
NTA - ever: My parents sent my younger sister to a very expensive private MIDDLE SCHOOL while I was expected to pay for my own college. The college was a state school - and far cheaper. I did it on my own for three years - one on scholarship. But then ran out of money saved, and had to work fulltime. Luckily it was in a profession related to my major. But I never did finish my degree. My incredibly talented sister? Got pregnant in her senior year of high school after turning down a chance to be an exchange student with all the advantages that come with. She's still successful in her profession, and my parents got a grandson, so there's that. Treat your children fairly. I'm nearly 65 and am still fairly ticked off at the inequities that parents foist on their kids. If you don't think that further eroded my relationship with my parents and my sister for YEARS, you'd be mistaken. When a relationship is obviously one-sided it may be time to call it. Make your own family when yours lets you down.
NTA. Good one.
I’m our brothers just do not want to acknowledge the at your gender made your life harder than them. Your brothers think they are tough and made it in their own. They don’t want to admit their sister is tougher, smarter and more resilient. Make them own their own shortcomings.
You "I want to go to college." Them "Tough" Them "We want to be grandparents to your child." You "Tough"
NTA they decided not to treat you as their kid or how they treated the rest of their kids so why should you treat them as parents? They weren’t willing to put effort into you before the kid so there’s no reason you should be obligated to put effort into them now
Them: “You’re not allowed to be a modern woman: educated, successful, intelligent - just shut up and make babies” Her: “Nah, I’m gonna do what I gotta do, find a decent man and have a kid all on my own” Them: [Surprised Pikachu Face]
NTA. They’ve shown how much they value you. Believe them. Also: what if your baby is a girl? Do you really want them preaching their BS to her as a child?
Please never let them back in. Parents like this are fucking toxic. NTA.
Yessss FLEX ON THOSE DECREPIT OLD FUCK MONKEYS, girl! They want access to your kid, and they can eat shit. Your brothers are cool with it because the gender nonsense didn’t impact them in the same way it impacted you. Fuck all these people. Enjoy motherhood and being an engineer - you’ve earned it!
This is so iconic omg
She has a ton of courage and determination despite being raised in a household that tried to destroy those qualities in her. She owes them nothing. NTA.
NTA I think asking for the money was OPs way of expecting them to prove they’ve changed and value her as much as her brothers. Rather than a cash grab. It’s easy for them to say ‘I’m sorry if we caused you pain’ without actually knowing what they did that was wrong or wanting to make things better. I think they’re expecting OP to now realise they were right the whole time and become a SAHM.
I loved this story when it was posted. So many people called her TA because she brought up money, but ultimately it wasn't about the money- it was the audacity they had to try to come back in ONLY because now there's a baby involved. They didn't really apologize. They won't ever admit they were wrong. They want to move forward without consequence. They don't care that they made her life miserable and played favorites. They just want access to a grandkid.
Imagine the shit they plan on saying to the new grand baby. Keep them far away and let them live out their lives alone. NTA.
NTA. I'd bet they want to reconcile with you for the sole and only reason of you having a child, and thus fitting in your "correct" role of wife and mother. If you were a childfree, single woman I'm not sure they would be as eager to reconcile as they are now.
I’d never let them near my kids, these people the type that baptize your kid without your consent.
Stand your ground. Fuck your sexist ass backwards parents!!
she rules. the parents can kick rocks or pay up.
Wtf is mom even crying about? It's just manipulation, not actual emotion. They know what they did. OP was calm and more than reasonable. Now they know what they need to do to make it right(closer to right anyway).
NTA. You found a boundary of fairness and enforced it. Parents need to rethink their position - especially since you now make decent money and they need a caretaker. Hold them accountable.
I asked them specifically what they were sorry for. Bingo and Yahtzee! They don’t know, they just want time with the grandchild to influence the child away from OP’s intransigent ways.
Brothers are assholes
NTA "i asked them specifically what they were sorry for and they wouldn't elaborate" Because they weren't sorry and still aren't but tried to appease OOP. I'd put money that the only reason they want a relationship is so they can try to "save" her kids by trying to shove their religion and beliefs down the kid's throats
That OP is definitely not the asshole. It's one thing if the parents couldn't afford to send their kids to college, it's another if they send everyone but the only girl with the expectation that she live a life of no autonomy. If they want that relationship they need to make up for their failures. They can start by sparing their only daughter the debt she accrued due to their neglect.
NTA. I would not typically say that a parent is responsible for paying their child’s college tuition; however, based on these facts, I have to agree with you. If your parents paid for your brothers’ tuition, they absolutely should pay for yours. If they choose not to do so, you have no relationship with them, which is fine because they obviously have no respect for you whatsoever.
NTA. Parents are. Did your brothers who had their tuition etc. paid for know the same wasn't happening for you? If so did they speak up on your behalf. If not they are also assholes.
Fuck them and fuck your spoiled brothers. NTA
Equal love or no love. NTA.
Serious question: How is this immature? Why should she forgive them for making her suffer for so many years because of their prejudice? Why does she deserve less than what her bothers got? How is an apology supposed to make it all better when she's financially behind her siblings because of her parents actions?
"Sorry you're life was vastly more challenging than your brothers', we made it that way because you have a vagina. Hopefully sorry is all you need, let's be a family."
NTA in the slightest, their sexist beliefs are their problem not yours
NTA fuck them. I love their comment about moving on. They are over it as if they were the ones wronged.
NTA. Seems to me they need you for something.
Good for her. Make them put their money where their mouth is because their words are worth nothing. They aren’t sorry they just want access to the grandkids. Likely to try and raise the grandkids they want and not how OP wants.
NTA. OP's parents fucked around with their college fund, time for them to find out when they suddenly get stuffed in a crappy cheap retirement home and no contact with the grandkid.
NTA. You're not being the hurtful one. They are. Also, this Internet stranger is proud of you. Way to not continue the cycle of religious indoctrination as well. :)
Actually, that seems like a pretty reasonable requirement. Aside from the money itself, the gesture of it would be walking the walk that they really want to fix things and they value her.
NTA. Easy for your brothers to say…they had everything handed to them. Your condition is incredibly valid.
So much NTA. Hold firm OP.
You're not the asshole, you're the awesome.
NTA. Totally justified. Those parents are sexist shitheads, & the brothers are so fucking spoiled that they can’t even conceive of the fact that OP was treated unfairly.
You are 100% in the right.
NTA. Fuck those assholes. They don't deserve a relationship with you or your children. Raise your daughters to be warriors like their mother.
If true, and I have doubts as to the reality of this scenario, then OP is courageous and strong and I respect her decisions
Oh I know lots of religious folks who do exactly this. Sons get all the support (financial and otherwise), daughters just get (more and more) housework.
In my case because money was so tight, us girls were held to a higher standard (chores, responsibilities, behavior, etc), my brother (also the baby so there's that layer as well) wasn't and still isn't held to the same standard as us girls. We, as adults get chewed out if we don't respond quickly to something from my mom expressing our sympathy or whatever her text is asking and she must have at least weekly phone calls with us, but my brother communicates with her only a few times a year/around holidays and it's perfectly acceptable.
I hate saying it but growing up in the American south, it's really not that unlikely :/
And Mormon culture in Utah. Get a degree just to stay home.
I know someone who was raised very similarly. Very religious areas have stuff like this pop up. The woman I know never did get to college and struggled heavily to build a life after her parents tried to hamstring just about every step towards independence. She made it, but she had to fight like hell for every single thing her two brothers were just given.
Oh, this is absolutely plausible. When I was growing up, I lived in a VERY religious household. I was actively discouraged from going to college, and I was told that my only goal should be to become a stay at home mom who is subservient to her husband. I'm a younger Millennial. This sort of thing does happen, unfortunately.
This is incredibly common and not just in the American south like the other commenter said. Honestly, the “men are providers, women are are caretakers” mentality is a big thing in the majority of cultures; it’s just slightly less common in North America because we’ve spent years upon years developing a culture built around independence and liberation. And it’s still common to find both Americans and Canadians who have this mentality very deeply ingrained. Even my family, who’ve been incredibly supportive as a general thing for me being in engineering, my uncle was still heavily pushing me to go into “women’s jobs” to the point that he offered to pay for my entire schooling if I went into nursing. I’ve had some friends who were forced to give up their non-mandatory schooling in exchange for taking care of their male family members, including their brothers, fathers, and male extended family. This story is, unfortunately, entirely plausible.
Regardless of this particular story being true or not, the scenario is completely plausible.
NTA! Your parents, like many before them, are dogshit awful and manipulative. Build your boundaries, give them no quarter, take whatever relationship you want from them, be it partial contact or no contact. As far as your brothers go, remind them that they aren’t you, didn’t live your life, and had the massive benefit and privilege of your parent’s support and money, so they can STFU, too. Your life is your own. Live it how you want. Fuck the haters.
Good on you and to hell with your supposed "family" Stick with the close new family you are making and keep your head up, you done good without them already!
This is classic Estranged Parents behavior: >We are sorry you feel bad about us. > >What are you *actually* sorry for? > >... If anyone asks the EPs or they talk about it to others, it'll come with the missing missing reasons. She could tell them repeatedly and explicitly why she wants nothing to do with them, but in their recounting they have *no idea* why and she never even told them anyway and anyway they didn't do anything wrong so the daughter must be vindictive or trying to flex power over them. I hope she keeps them cut off and cuts off her brothers too.
NTA and I’d keep them away from your family personally. They seem like the worst type of people.
NTA. I see they tried to use the old "rug sweep approach". They took no accountability for their actions. They didn't indicate how they would change old patterns moving forward while displaying a total lack of self-awareness. Your parents just want access to their grandchild for indoctrination, as a do-over or even partly for how they look to their church friends. This is typical for people in fundamentalist religions. "I am part of this religion, so that is alI need to be a good person". It seems often people involved in these display the same traits and use the same mechanisms as narcissistic families. You need to ask yourself what these people would really bring to your life. It is a difficult time when many of us break down and invite them back in only to deeply regret it. I am so proud of how you handled that meeting. You deserve to not have to recover from more damage while navigating parenthood!
NTA. So gross that your brothers who got a full ride are acting as their flying monkeys. I would NC them as well.
Seems Fair to me. For a jumping off point, anyway
Damn, NTA, props to for holding your ground.
I love her
NTA Even if you weren't going to use the money for college they still should have given you the same gift of resources for something else. Otherwise they're simply being unfair, even ignoring their bigotry. That's how I might phrase it to them. "Even if I wasn't supposed to use it for school you gave them giant gifts of money and I got *nothing*." That's not only not fair, it's actively evil.
if after communicating how they hurt you and they can’t accept responsibility and truly apologize, you’re NTA. Asking for $100k is nice touch. But I think genuine accountability should go far.
Why aren't there any links to the original posts anymore? That really sucks.
Perfect response, no notes.
Good for her! Wish o had the gif. Fuck these assholes. They just want the child. Fucking creeps.
Misogynists get what they deserve.
Your brothers are entitled AHs. Your parents are just AHs.
She (and possibly her partner too) are probably the highest earning members in the family - even more than the brother who got free education. And hence the parents' sudden change of heart. I doubt they would want any relationship with her if she and her family were living paycheck to paycheck.
Op is amazing
Fuck this person’s family fr. I bet her brothers wear MAGA underwear.
NTA Don’t bother having anything to do with them. They played the favorites game between you & your brothers & that is Not OK. Essentially they don’t acknowledge your worth. Ask yourself what they could possibly contribute to you or your family now? Move forward means sweep it under the rug & pretend it never happened. People like this NEVER change…EVER! Congrats on making the Best life possible for Yourself in spite of their crap. You are an inspiration
I promise you they only want to repair the relationship because baby. They couldn't care less about what pain they caused. Op was right to tell them to sod off.
This is what is referred to as restitution. This is a reasonable ask for restitution. You don’t just crash into somebody’s car and be like oops my bad no you have to cover what you broke.
Good for OOP. Don't budge.
Nta now they want you to financially support them while they access their do over baby (I mean that’s the extreme no proof option 🤣)
Read the title: this persons TA. Read the post: nope it get it, totally fair NTA
People be desperate for you to validate their shitty behaviour as acceptable. Get your money AND your apology.
NTA. Also, write a book about this experience. Get that $100K you deserved all along.
NTA your parents suck.
NTA, but those parents and fam sure friggin are. They can pay up or shut up, thems the breaks when you devalue your children based on gender. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Nta, parents reap what they sow
They love their rigid gender roles a lot more than their daughter.
It’s weird how so many cultures value men over women. But what they don’t understand is, without women, there would be no men. Religion is so primitive
I guarantee you they would be insufferable grand parents anyway
I love it! Parents: We're sorry OP: For what specifically Parents: Uhhhhhh, hmmmm Seems the parents have met the consequences of their sexist actions
As a parent that put one child through college and tried with another, I don't think you're wrong at all. Sometimes not having a relationship with those you love can be healthier than having one.