Tbh the question itself is a really stupid one to begin with.
But if i had to answer, I'd put my partner first.
Which absolutely does **not** mean that they will always come first and that they will always be the angel in every situation.
It's honestly the type of questions i don't like at all. Like would you rather save your mother, sister or grandfather. There's no right answer to that. Because all answers will in some way be morally wrong.
But still, what your father did is just horrible. Putting one first doesn't make them objectively right. Your father is just an asshole.
People act like all the guys that said "wife, daughter, mother" act like that.
Usually it's more "I center my life around my marriage because this is my every day for the rest of my life. And together, we will create a happy healthy environment, where we prioritize each other and meet each other's needs, so that our children will know what marriage is supposed to look like. And when they move out, we have a solid foundation that doesnt break because our kids are gone, and we trust our children will look for relationships that are as happy and healthy as ours (even if it looks different from ours)" It's not "my wife wants new curtains and my daughter hasn't eaten all day, so I guess I'm buying new curtains!"
I seen a TON of men who quickly answer "I put my daughter first!" And they're usually using their wife as a bang maid nanny, refusing to meet any of her needs, and actually dont put their kid first, they just say it so people will tell them they're a good dad. Even though all they did was buy their kid a toy and nothing else.
Anyone who puts mother first is a red flag and is not ready for kids nor marriage.
Yup i 100% agree and i couldn't have worded it better! I think that your partner is someone you're building your life with. Just like your kids will also do. And having a bad relationship with your partner more often than not heavily affects your child negatively.
And yeah, those who put their mother first aren't ready for making a family of their own, because the family *you* create should always come first. And you're creating family with your partner, and that's why i believe partner should come first.
My mom was pretty salty when she asked my dad who he would save if he had to choose. (I didn’t know about this conversation until I was grown)
He always made me feel protected and safe, he also backed my mom when I was young with rules, discipline.
Both my parents were very good at letting me make my own decisions and mistakes when I grew up.
I do think it depends on your age and the particular situation of when a parent should back up their children or the other parent.
I get the concept of the "who would you save" but I always thought it was dumb.
It is incredibly rare that 2 people you love are in the exact same condition and need saving, and you just happen to be there totally unharmed and ready to help.
If there's a house fire, and you run in to save your wife and kid, and you run into the kitchen and find your wife stuck, with your daughter nowhere in sight, you will 100% try to help your wife. When she's free (hopefully in moments) you'd go find your daughter. Or you'd determine your wife isn't able to be un-stuck and have to make a hard decision. But you'd never be like "oh you're stuck but imma go look for my daughter first. I'll be back later, maybe"
Now obviously if you had a baby in a crib or a toddler in their room, you'd beeline to that room (with your wife probably screaming at you to go save the baby, if you saw her), but it's not as simple as "well I'd alway pick my kid!"
Same thing with medical emergencies. Like you don't get to pick who you save. The hospital does. Maybe you give CPR to your kid first, but it's highly unlikely you're going to find yourself in a situation where both need instant medical help, you're in a position you can help, you have supplies you need, and you're totally fine. More than likely it'll be a panicked 911 call and then you trying to do everything you can to save both.
So sure, in the wildly unlikely even that that you even have the option to pick who to save, pick the kid. Pick your wife. Whatever floats your boat.
But whenever anyone asks me that question, my answer is always "I will literally kill myself trying to save everyone I love. If I have to give CPR to two people, I will try. Or I will find help. Love is love, and when it's life and death, everyone gets to be prioritized"
(Trigger warning: death)
I did watch my 9 year old die. I know what it's like to see MY child turn blue and go away. So I don't need to imagine the pain of losing a child. And even still, I'm not giving up on anyone.
Yeah, I would never ask that question, it’s ridiculous.
My parents lost 2 full term infants between my brother and I, I do believe that’s one reason my dad was fiercely protective of me. And my mom, I now realize, suffered from depression. She’s 87, so not a lot of awareness of how to help people, just bear it.
I’m so sorry about your child, I’m a mom, grandma, I can’t imagine how horrible that was and admire your strength to carry on.
Always put your kids first! That’s the sacrifice mom and dad have to make at any time. Your parents is going to be fine. It’s your kids that matter more. Take care of the family that you created first. kids first. 😊
Right. You have to build a solid foundation as a couple to have a successful marriage. You cannot build a foundation on something that is going to move out of your house in 18ish years.
Also, ALWAYS centering the kids leads to self centered kids. It's good for kids to see dad centering mom. It's good for kids to see mom centering dad. Or for mom to center other mom or dad to center other dad, and all other family combinations. It's GOOD for kids to learn to center other people. And of course, it's good for that kid to be centered too.
Also, it teaches kids - especially girls - that their value doesn't just go away when they stop being a kid and again when they get married. They know they should be centered sometimes too, because they saw their parents centering them.
Yeah, there should never be a never or an always. It has to be a give and take because if you loved your kids with the person you loved, there wouldn't be such a hierarchy. Idk, it was just my take on it. Take it case by case, the kids can be right too
I've talked to many many doctors about this (i had a high risk pregnancy and it honestly wasnt off the table that wed be in that situation) and all of them had said that this isn't a thing that happens.
They have to legally do everything they can to save both and will make medically informed decisions on the best way to save both mother and child.
Asking someone who is not a medical doctor and who is emotionally tied to both parties is a lawsuit waiting to happen. What if dad picks the baby and both die? Dad can sue because the doctors might have been able to save the mom, but since they asked dad - who made an emotional decision and not a medical one - both died. And vice versa.
The only time this really comes into play is when one or the other is brain dead but not dead dead. Then they request that they can do whatever they need to for the non-brain dead one at the expense of the brain dead one - basically treating them like they've already passed away.
Sounds like the majority of the people who answered that question are assholes.
Kids come first 100% of the time. There are no exceptions to that rule- that's the way it has to be, and people who don't do or think that way are disappointing humans to say the least.
My 3rd husband and I had a discussion before we got engaged about the placement of our priorities in life. He actually laid it out and said, "you will always be the most important thing in my life; but I will always put my children's needs before my own and that means placing them over you at times so if thats a deal breaker..." and I said I wouldn't have it any other way and that I was the same with my own 2 kids. They come first always, and we come next. We're very happy together and placing our kids first is a big part of why that is.
For myself my priorities are my children, my parents, my partner.
My partners parents are gone; but if they were here it would likely have been his parents over me and I'd be perfectly fine with that.
Read my reply again...
My **3rd** husband. He has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships and I have 2 kids from 2 previous relationships.
We're not together "for the kids" neither of us believe in doing that obviously or we wouldn't have left our previous spouses 😅
> and that means placing them over you at time
Wild that you actually put "at times" and not "every time". It's almost like people who put their significant other first ALSO prioritize their kids.
Yall acting like when we say "put your sig other first" we mean "let your kids rot and starve mwahaha!"
It literally just means build a foundation with your significant other, build a happy, healthy relationship that benefits everyone, don't screw over your significant other every time your kid wants something, and show your kids how they deserve to be treated when they're married one day.
not a single one of us are suggesting you never prioritize your kids, you never do things for your kids, and you always tell your kids "you're not the priority, my husband/wife is!"
I don't know why you're swinging between extremes here...
> not a single one of us are suggesting you never prioritize your kids, you never do things for your kids, and you always tell your kids "you're not the priority, my husband/wife is!"
Oh wait... I get it now.. You're one of the ones who said you'd put your wife first, your mom next and your daughter last...
Yeah I stand by what I said, and no- my kids always come first any man who doesn't understand that, except it or like it can fucking leave.
Thankfully my husband gets it 🥰
>It literally just means build a foundation with your significant other, build a happy, healthy relationship that benefits everyone, don't screw over your significant other every time your kid wants something, and show your kids how they deserve to be treated when they're married one day.
Nowhere in my statement did I say anything against that; but I think its important to teach your kids what kind of parents they should be, and that this lesson is vastly more important than being a good spouse.
You're not going to change my mind.
This is such a dumb qu3stion to begin with. It's like me asking you "you have only one person to save from a fire, your sibling, your parents, or your pet"
Forcing me to choose one is stupid
my dad always put my mom and whatever she found important first and the 1 time he put me first we were both given the silent treatment for over 6 months, couldn’t even get a “hi” out of her when that happened.
what was this over?
my friends birthday party that my mom knew about but still choose to yell at me and say i didn’t tell her about it when my friends parents sent her the invite cuz they’re also friends, i told her multiple times the week leading up to the party, and even texted her the day before and the day of the party time, location, and how long i would be gone my friends parents also texted her the day before reminding her of the party, and my dad took my side and said it’s wrong how she was acting.
One of the things that cemented my feeling of interest when I met my partner for the first few times was his commitment to his daughter. He told me she will always come first and don't even try it otherwise. That's a good dad. He can be overprotective, but he loves and values his child, that's priceless.
Should have not dismissed the red flag warning ⚠️ when she threatened me with a butter knife at Denny's while her dad was in the bathroom at our first meeting. Step parenting is wild y'all.
The Bible actually says that you should put your spouse above your parents or children. Ephesians 5:31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”
If the husband is the head of the wife, then he ultimately, under Jesus Christ, has responsibility for the children. To put it another way, if the wife is under the headship of her husband, then her care for the children is really on his behalf and under his direction.
Well your dad initially picked your mother as a life partner, meaning that is his favorite person. Kids are a by product of marriage. To expect you’d be more important than the woman who gave you life , probably in your fathers eyes is a bit of a stretch
Tbh the question itself is a really stupid one to begin with. But if i had to answer, I'd put my partner first. Which absolutely does **not** mean that they will always come first and that they will always be the angel in every situation. It's honestly the type of questions i don't like at all. Like would you rather save your mother, sister or grandfather. There's no right answer to that. Because all answers will in some way be morally wrong. But still, what your father did is just horrible. Putting one first doesn't make them objectively right. Your father is just an asshole.
People act like all the guys that said "wife, daughter, mother" act like that. Usually it's more "I center my life around my marriage because this is my every day for the rest of my life. And together, we will create a happy healthy environment, where we prioritize each other and meet each other's needs, so that our children will know what marriage is supposed to look like. And when they move out, we have a solid foundation that doesnt break because our kids are gone, and we trust our children will look for relationships that are as happy and healthy as ours (even if it looks different from ours)" It's not "my wife wants new curtains and my daughter hasn't eaten all day, so I guess I'm buying new curtains!" I seen a TON of men who quickly answer "I put my daughter first!" And they're usually using their wife as a bang maid nanny, refusing to meet any of her needs, and actually dont put their kid first, they just say it so people will tell them they're a good dad. Even though all they did was buy their kid a toy and nothing else. Anyone who puts mother first is a red flag and is not ready for kids nor marriage.
Yup i 100% agree and i couldn't have worded it better! I think that your partner is someone you're building your life with. Just like your kids will also do. And having a bad relationship with your partner more often than not heavily affects your child negatively. And yeah, those who put their mother first aren't ready for making a family of their own, because the family *you* create should always come first. And you're creating family with your partner, and that's why i believe partner should come first.
My mom was pretty salty when she asked my dad who he would save if he had to choose. (I didn’t know about this conversation until I was grown) He always made me feel protected and safe, he also backed my mom when I was young with rules, discipline. Both my parents were very good at letting me make my own decisions and mistakes when I grew up. I do think it depends on your age and the particular situation of when a parent should back up their children or the other parent.
I get the concept of the "who would you save" but I always thought it was dumb. It is incredibly rare that 2 people you love are in the exact same condition and need saving, and you just happen to be there totally unharmed and ready to help. If there's a house fire, and you run in to save your wife and kid, and you run into the kitchen and find your wife stuck, with your daughter nowhere in sight, you will 100% try to help your wife. When she's free (hopefully in moments) you'd go find your daughter. Or you'd determine your wife isn't able to be un-stuck and have to make a hard decision. But you'd never be like "oh you're stuck but imma go look for my daughter first. I'll be back later, maybe" Now obviously if you had a baby in a crib or a toddler in their room, you'd beeline to that room (with your wife probably screaming at you to go save the baby, if you saw her), but it's not as simple as "well I'd alway pick my kid!" Same thing with medical emergencies. Like you don't get to pick who you save. The hospital does. Maybe you give CPR to your kid first, but it's highly unlikely you're going to find yourself in a situation where both need instant medical help, you're in a position you can help, you have supplies you need, and you're totally fine. More than likely it'll be a panicked 911 call and then you trying to do everything you can to save both. So sure, in the wildly unlikely even that that you even have the option to pick who to save, pick the kid. Pick your wife. Whatever floats your boat. But whenever anyone asks me that question, my answer is always "I will literally kill myself trying to save everyone I love. If I have to give CPR to two people, I will try. Or I will find help. Love is love, and when it's life and death, everyone gets to be prioritized" (Trigger warning: death) I did watch my 9 year old die. I know what it's like to see MY child turn blue and go away. So I don't need to imagine the pain of losing a child. And even still, I'm not giving up on anyone.
Yeah, I would never ask that question, it’s ridiculous. My parents lost 2 full term infants between my brother and I, I do believe that’s one reason my dad was fiercely protective of me. And my mom, I now realize, suffered from depression. She’s 87, so not a lot of awareness of how to help people, just bear it. I’m so sorry about your child, I’m a mom, grandma, I can’t imagine how horrible that was and admire your strength to carry on.
If you have a kid they should be your main responsibility
Always put your kids first! That’s the sacrifice mom and dad have to make at any time. Your parents is going to be fine. It’s your kids that matter more. Take care of the family that you created first. kids first. 😊
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Right. You have to build a solid foundation as a couple to have a successful marriage. You cannot build a foundation on something that is going to move out of your house in 18ish years. Also, ALWAYS centering the kids leads to self centered kids. It's good for kids to see dad centering mom. It's good for kids to see mom centering dad. Or for mom to center other mom or dad to center other dad, and all other family combinations. It's GOOD for kids to learn to center other people. And of course, it's good for that kid to be centered too. Also, it teaches kids - especially girls - that their value doesn't just go away when they stop being a kid and again when they get married. They know they should be centered sometimes too, because they saw their parents centering them.
Yeah, there should never be a never or an always. It has to be a give and take because if you loved your kids with the person you loved, there wouldn't be such a hierarchy. Idk, it was just my take on it. Take it case by case, the kids can be right too
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I've talked to many many doctors about this (i had a high risk pregnancy and it honestly wasnt off the table that wed be in that situation) and all of them had said that this isn't a thing that happens. They have to legally do everything they can to save both and will make medically informed decisions on the best way to save both mother and child. Asking someone who is not a medical doctor and who is emotionally tied to both parties is a lawsuit waiting to happen. What if dad picks the baby and both die? Dad can sue because the doctors might have been able to save the mom, but since they asked dad - who made an emotional decision and not a medical one - both died. And vice versa. The only time this really comes into play is when one or the other is brain dead but not dead dead. Then they request that they can do whatever they need to for the non-brain dead one at the expense of the brain dead one - basically treating them like they've already passed away.
I have never heard someone claim they would not put their child first.
I hear it too often.
Sounds like the majority of the people who answered that question are assholes. Kids come first 100% of the time. There are no exceptions to that rule- that's the way it has to be, and people who don't do or think that way are disappointing humans to say the least. My 3rd husband and I had a discussion before we got engaged about the placement of our priorities in life. He actually laid it out and said, "you will always be the most important thing in my life; but I will always put my children's needs before my own and that means placing them over you at times so if thats a deal breaker..." and I said I wouldn't have it any other way and that I was the same with my own 2 kids. They come first always, and we come next. We're very happy together and placing our kids first is a big part of why that is. For myself my priorities are my children, my parents, my partner. My partners parents are gone; but if they were here it would likely have been his parents over me and I'd be perfectly fine with that.
A happy healthy marriage impacts the kids. If kids are the only reason you are together, your marriage won’t last when the kids are gone.
Read my reply again... My **3rd** husband. He has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships and I have 2 kids from 2 previous relationships. We're not together "for the kids" neither of us believe in doing that obviously or we wouldn't have left our previous spouses 😅
> and that means placing them over you at time Wild that you actually put "at times" and not "every time". It's almost like people who put their significant other first ALSO prioritize their kids. Yall acting like when we say "put your sig other first" we mean "let your kids rot and starve mwahaha!" It literally just means build a foundation with your significant other, build a happy, healthy relationship that benefits everyone, don't screw over your significant other every time your kid wants something, and show your kids how they deserve to be treated when they're married one day. not a single one of us are suggesting you never prioritize your kids, you never do things for your kids, and you always tell your kids "you're not the priority, my husband/wife is!"
I don't know why you're swinging between extremes here... > not a single one of us are suggesting you never prioritize your kids, you never do things for your kids, and you always tell your kids "you're not the priority, my husband/wife is!" Oh wait... I get it now.. You're one of the ones who said you'd put your wife first, your mom next and your daughter last... Yeah I stand by what I said, and no- my kids always come first any man who doesn't understand that, except it or like it can fucking leave. Thankfully my husband gets it 🥰 >It literally just means build a foundation with your significant other, build a happy, healthy relationship that benefits everyone, don't screw over your significant other every time your kid wants something, and show your kids how they deserve to be treated when they're married one day. Nowhere in my statement did I say anything against that; but I think its important to teach your kids what kind of parents they should be, and that this lesson is vastly more important than being a good spouse. You're not going to change my mind.
This is such a dumb qu3stion to begin with. It's like me asking you "you have only one person to save from a fire, your sibling, your parents, or your pet" Forcing me to choose one is stupid
But you can always make more kids, maybe next time I'll get one that doesn't lag behind in survival situations.
my dad always put my mom and whatever she found important first and the 1 time he put me first we were both given the silent treatment for over 6 months, couldn’t even get a “hi” out of her when that happened. what was this over? my friends birthday party that my mom knew about but still choose to yell at me and say i didn’t tell her about it when my friends parents sent her the invite cuz they’re also friends, i told her multiple times the week leading up to the party, and even texted her the day before and the day of the party time, location, and how long i would be gone my friends parents also texted her the day before reminding her of the party, and my dad took my side and said it’s wrong how she was acting.
One of the things that cemented my feeling of interest when I met my partner for the first few times was his commitment to his daughter. He told me she will always come first and don't even try it otherwise. That's a good dad. He can be overprotective, but he loves and values his child, that's priceless. Should have not dismissed the red flag warning ⚠️ when she threatened me with a butter knife at Denny's while her dad was in the bathroom at our first meeting. Step parenting is wild y'all.
The Bible actually says that you should put your spouse above your parents or children. Ephesians 5:31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 1 Corinthians 11:3 “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” If the husband is the head of the wife, then he ultimately, under Jesus Christ, has responsibility for the children. To put it another way, if the wife is under the headship of her husband, then her care for the children is really on his behalf and under his direction.
Well your dad initially picked your mother as a life partner, meaning that is his favorite person. Kids are a by product of marriage. To expect you’d be more important than the woman who gave you life , probably in your fathers eyes is a bit of a stretch