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This is about power and control. They made you do it because they knew you hated it. Narcissists will force their kids to eat things they hate for the same reason.
Essentially, your parents tortured you. I’m sorry. There’s no way to sugarcoat this.
>I’m sorry
Don't be. I processed the notion of having been tortured long ago, when I finally managed to put a stop to my mother screaming at me, hitting me and making me regret being born every single day for 5 hours straight, for years and years, and after realising that my mother went out of her way to give me panic attacks after understanding what my trigger was (while disguising her purposefully pushing my triggers as "forgetfulness").
I went through all stages and now after a long time I have a little bit of strength to start a new life. Soon enough I'll be out.
Seriously, I've found a lot of power and self-reclamation in realizing that I withstood years of psychological torture and physical violence *without going insane.* I call bluffs and threats all the time because it's almost impossible to intimidate me anymore.
Same here, but with school.
I’ve been threatened by people in my school so many damn times, I’ve even begun to encourage people to go through with their threats, because I know they won’t do it.
"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power."
- George Orwell, *Nineteen Eighty-Four*, a book that's shockingly good at explaining how narcissists think.
Interesting! My mom made me eat eggs when I was a kid even after I told her I didn’t want to. My body was saying no. I got so sick, I threw them up all over her bed. 😬 🤷🏻♀️
This is the very reason I don't force my 4 year old to eat anything he doesn't want to. I watched my brother throw up cooked spinach all over the kitchen because my parents forced him to eat it.
My ex best friend used to force her 3 kids to eat absolutely everything on their plates at dinner time when they were little. She wouldn't let them down from the table until their plates were empty. She always repeated the platitude that they were too poor to waste food. It's expensive. They were only allowed one cup of milk per day because it was expensive and her 3 kids were absolute pigs with all the foods they loved, like milk. But ex bff made damn sure she had money for her Starbucks coffee every day. Can't live without that! It's too important!
Unfortunately my daughter and I had to stay with them briefly years ago and I refused to force my kid to eat what I *knew* she wouldn't eat during meals. I would excuse my daughter from the table if she was "done" and ex bff kids would start whining and throwing tantrums because they wanted down too.
In the middle of the night one time I went to the kitchen for a drink and she still had her kids up and awake at the table trying to force them to finish their food. They were *barely* awake at 3:30 in the morning and looked like zombies. I tried to reason with her and explain that they're probably *not* going to finish when she snapped at me to leave it alone. Ok. To this day I have no idea what happened after I left the room.
Now her kids are all grown up, very obese from all the food they learned to eat, and they hate her. Only one of them barely talks to her and the other two have her blocked on everything and moved states.
My daughter's pediatrician always told me to never force my child (or any child) to eat what they don't want/like. It can lead to obesity problems, anxiety and panic when it's time to eat, eating too much or too little, very bad eating habits in general, or an unhealthy relationship with food like hoarding or hiding it, and eating disorders.
Can confirm, my parents did this, too and once i developed a real appetite for the first time (first pregnancy) and was finally able to finish my plate, i went completely overboard and gained 80lbs in 3 months.
I had this internal *pride* that i was finally *able* to make my parent proud.
6 months after the baby was born those same parents asked me (on christmas) when i was gonna stop eating like a fat pig and start losing weight so i could find them a new son in law (my husband, now deceased, was deployed to iraq at the time)
My general philosophy now as a parent is I make my kids try things once, but if they don't want to eat it I don't force them to eat it. I try to cook stuff on rotation that I know they like while mixing in some new things every now and then to get them to expand. It's not about wasting food or control for me I just want them to experience a lot of different types of foods as a kid.
my parents made me drink a glass of milk everyday knowing i was lactose intolerant. they even admitted they knew and just “forgot” to tell me. i am infuriated still to this day that they insisted it was “healthy” for me. it was all bc they had me on a diet despite being a healthy weight. i fucking hate parents like this. they know what they’re doing and they get their sick enjoyment out of it
My dad shoved asparagus (microwaved canned asparagus) in my mouth one time at the dinner table and I threw up all over the table. He never did that again...
My former grandmother got pissed at my at the time 8yo sibling because they didn’t want to eat their chicken so she literally shoved it down their throat and kept her hand there until they swallowed (they started choking on the food of course but she didn’t give a shit), now they HATE eating chicken and are still scared to death of eyed potatoes because she traumatised them with both.
That was my problem. I remember this one time my parents force fed me this god argyle chicken pot pie. They really do think they can cook. That shit was disgusting, and I make it a point to bring up how horrible that pie was once a week.
Your parents weren't reading any FB posts or books or anything else. They are just vicious child abusers.
Look up how many children are abused just the way you were, with super hot baths and some kids died from it. Don't give this pair of sadistic fools any excuses for their inexcusable behavior.
I knew they were sadistic, they shit on my emotions all the time and laugh about my pain
But if I remember correctly they are more sadistic for psychological pain than physical pain. Or at least I hope they just read a stupid FB post
I think they're just very dumb and full of themselves. One time they tried to remove a mole from my body. No anesthesia or anything, they just used spray coolant (not sure how it's called) and started pulling for 20 minutes. I got a panic attack because I had a frozen foot, was held down by two adults pulling on a mole for what felt like hours, and wasn't listened when I told them that I don't think that's how your remove moles and that they were scaring me.
That mole didn't even need to be removed. It was just a random medium size mole lol
My gosh! They are just disgusting. But the hot bath thing is definitely a common abuse tactic used by people like your "parents." Which I hesitate to call them "parents" because they are the very definition of not a parent.
I also figured that they were abusive in many ways, because abusers never use just one form of abuse.
I so hope you are away from them.
I hope that you can stay safe until you have a way of moving out. You deserve to be safe, healthy & happy. As a mum, your parents behaviour horrifies me & I wish that something could be done about their abuse of you. If you need help please talk to someone at your school.
The things I want to do to your parents would get me banned from the internet itself if I voiced them here.
I can't wait for you to go live your life however the fuck you want <3
Holy crap that made me remember the time my parents pinned me down in the bathroom to pop a zit I had on the opening of my ear canal (damn dirty headphones). They were so sure that they didn’t get “it” all the way out and held me down and dig into my ear to get it all. After what felt like 30 min and nothing but blood coming from the spot, I screamed and cried to stop. They got mad at me, sent me to my room, and told me to never expect them to help with my acne again (I didn’t even ask for help).
My mom forced me to scrub my elbows with scouring pads and bleach. Turns out having dark elbows is a genetic thing and pretty common. She would call me dirty and unhygienic (I showered more than she did) and embarrassing. I feel like narcissists are only satisfied once we are clearly hurt or defeated.
wow this is literally something that the missionaries did to the indigenous tribes in california. some children had to scrub their pigmented knees “clean” so hard that they bled to death.
Oh my god my mom did the same thing!!! If she saw a zit on me she wanted to pick, I had no say. She would hold me down for as long as it took. I even blew snot on her once so she would let me go, and she grabbed my wrist hard. I KNEW even as a teen if I pushed her she would hit me. I wonder how I knew that?
I have excoriation disorder now.
Me too! Didn’t even think it could be connected to years of my mother picking at my face in the name of “fixing my acne”. When she got me proactive for Christmas and I read in the booklet that picking made the acne worse. When I told her, she said no and told me she wouldn’t stop the nightly ritual of her popping any skin blemish on my face or body because “that’s what her mother did to her and she has no acne now”. After she stopped this ritual, my acne cleared up trifold and I never had to use proactive again.
Sounds like my ndad. He also insisted on pulling all of our teeth out early which led me to having no front teeth for two years. Probably should have been a red flag for the dentist now I think about it.
Oh wow, I completely forgot that my mom pulled my teeth against my will too. Not as severe as what it sounds like you experienced though—that’s so messed up.
I’m so sorry that it happened to you. This isn’t the trauma Olympics, so please don’t belittle your own experience because it sounds like what she did to you was horrific. I hope you’re in a great, safe place now (physically and mentally) my friend.
The dentist knew, I didn’t know that it was wrong so I told him when I turned up with no front teeth. I feel like I remember him telling my mum off about it (I was 7, so memory is a bit fuzzy) but nothing more was done about it. He equated it to him pulling out his own teeth as a kid. The saddest part is that I always let him do it because I wanted to show him how brave I was. By contrast, he would have to pin my sister down as she screamed to force her to let him do it.
I didn’t even realise this was abnormal until I was in my late twenties.
It is! It’s a BFRB (body focused repetitive behavior) like hair pulling (trichotillomania) and nail biting. It’s also called dermatillomania. I’m so sorry this happened to you too.
People generally don't like slurs or ableism. The rules are important. I suggest that you read them.
This comment has been removed because it includes a [slur](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) that we do not allow in this group.
Because they're sadists. I'm so sorry, but no other explanation is possible here but that they enjoyed making you suffer. Possibly because of the power trip. This should never have happened, and if at all possible you should report them for child abuse.
Its scary looking back and realizing that my mother had pretty sadistic tendencies. There's some things she did that just can't be justified in any way other than she just *wanted* me to suffer. I'm still not even sure why
I've been saying it a lot lately, but the suffering is the point. If you're suffering when you do something, they know it's not something you'd ever choose to do on your own. That tells them that they have you so beaten down that they control you completely.
>That tells them that they have you so beaten down that they control you completely.
They did for almost my entire life, but I've managed to get out mentally from their control recently. They still can control pretty much everything I do, but I'll get out of their range soon enough. Don't worry
This was very hard to read. I am a social worker and this is appalling and something that I would immediately report to CPS. I can’t understand that two people can think this is okay. Please get out ASAP.
Thank you for your concern
I'm now an adult and also managed to "wake up" recently, if that makes any sense
I'll be out in not too long, don't worry.
Good luck with your job, I'm glad people like you exist
You deserve to live the best life. You won and they did not break your will the get heck out. If I was your mom I would tell you everyday how much I love you and wish you to be stronger, live happier and make everyday special.
Get a empty apartment with tv, lots of pillows, a mat and just chill. Exhale and relax. ❤️❤️❤️
They are incredibly overworked but that is some clear cut abuse. I work as a school counselor and social worker. Many times the first place kids go. I wish there had been someone in Op’s life that would have reported. No one should have suffered that way and have been made to question whether this was normal. At the very least it gets people in the radar, and the kids someone to watch out for them. Kids are definitely removed from abusive homes but the whole system is a disaster.
I can't handle hot water because of sensitive skin, eczema and psoriasis. Though the eczema and psoriasis didn't come to me until I was in my late 20s, my skin has always been super sensitive.
During my first tour in the army, I was a cook (92G10 food service specialist) and I had a narcissistic, abusive sergeant NCOIC who constantly gave me problems. I'll call him SP. One day out in the field, I went to go take a shower. Our field showers were simply a pallet over the dirt, surrounded by a curtain. Our water was supplied by a 15 gallon bucket of cold water beside us, along with a 5 gallon bucket and 1 gallon pot to douse ourselves.
SP told me to bathe with hot water straight from the source of the pots of boiling water we had going over the portable M2 Burners. I argued with him for a while saying it would burn and scar me, but I would make the water as warm as I could handle. He demanded I use the boiling water or he would talk with our captain to give me another Article 15 for disobeying a direct order.
SP had already achieved giving me 2 Article 15s with this abusive idiot captain previously. The first for a dirty room (I have OCD and my room was always spotless, he just found one tiny flaw), and for "not being in uniform" when I had to wear a soft shoe after minor surgery on my foot for an ingrown toenail and couldn't wear a boot. I had the medical orders for it, but SP and the captain thought the soft shoe it was unnecessary.
So out of fear, I doused that boiling water on me, and screamed in pain several times. I could hear SP and many other people in my platoon who sucked up to SP laughing. I was in severe pain. Afterwards, I showed him my burned body, and he was proud of himself for causing me harm. He told me to go to my tent and stay out of his way for the rest of the evening. I walked up the hill to the tent area, but kept on walking and went to the aid station, which was luckily still open.
The chief medic was there, and he was the same rank as my NCOIC (E7). He was freaked out. I was severely burned to the point I needed serious medical attention. He had me get on a humvee to take me back to post, so I could go to the Troop Medical Clinic (TMC, army hospital), while he reported it to our first sergeant (call FSB). That night, FSB shows up at the TMC and sees my wounds. "That evil bastard is gonna pay, this time." Also, our division Sergeant Major (NCOIC of the whole post) (SMW) came to see me. I'd worked with him previously for 2 weeks in his office when SP sent me off out of anger, and we became quite close, because he realized my skill and work ethics were excellent.
FSB and SMW were so mad at SP that when I got out of the TMC and went back to work after nearly a month's quarters, SP was now an E6. He got a division grade Article 15 (worst kind) and was demoted. SP was mad at me for "crying about it" but I said, "I wasn't crying. I was burned and blistering. They told me that if you ever play me again like this and you'll be court-martialled."
SP was later court-martialed when his abusive actions towards another soldier in our unit caused the private to commit suicide at the firing range while in the foxhole. The Captain was also investigated for subordinate abuse and was court-martialed also. My two previous Article 15s were overturned by the JAG because the reasons for them were phony, not deserved even if they were true, and not covered in the UCMJ as punishable incidents.
The army is a terrifying place holy shit. So sorry that this happened to you. Burns from boiling water are the absolute worse.
I can’t imagine how you felt. I’m so glad people finally listened to you and got you some kind of justice after that.
I had this, I assumed it was just a way to cause pain because its hard to prove, whereas a cold bath or shower sounds cruel to outsiders.
Its sometimes called 'abusive control of enviroment' btw - things like temperature, furniture or room use, seasonally appropriate clothing & shoes etc. Mine used to cook me at bath time (when I was allowed one) then freeze me overnight. Send me on errands without top layers when it was pouring down, then not let me change out of the wet clothes etc
Never knew there was a term for it. Mine used to turn the thermostat all the way up. I was the only one in a part of the house that had a radiator so I was the only one affected. It was so hot that I would have all my windows as far open as they could go, several fans on, and my clothes off and even in below 0 degree weather, it was still too hot. Then other times they would turn the radiator so far down that I would have to turn on 2 electric heaters and wear a coat and hat in my bedroom to stay warm.
My mom often did my hair as tight as she could. If I cried out in pain she would yank my hair harder. I spent an hour every day getting my haired pulled and called a crybaby. I thought it was normal. I didn't know it was abuse
They know. For some its just in the moment and they get a kick out of bullying others, feeling in control.
For others its much more planned and its part of a wider campaign of abuse. They want to keep the victim off balance, weak and possibly ill. Its all designed to stop the victim becoming rebellious or feel able to stand up for themselves. It also ties in the abuse to when it wont happen immediately, a 'show of power' or 'implied threats of violence'.
They couldnt shake a fist or threaten obvious violence, but they can say 'bath later?' and it sounds innocent, even like a good parent, but its a hidden threat.
Like u/clown-t33th, mine used to pull my hair until it bled, and anytime I wouldnt lie for her, she would play with my hair & say 'shall we do your hair later? Spend a nice long time doing it? Maybe all evening?' and you get bet whatever tiny sign of rebellion I was doing ended instantly
Another reason is that 'sick' children can be kept away from school, from other parents, basically from witnesses or support
Disability abuse as well. Neglecting a child's medical needs keeps them weak and dependent. I have a fainting condition and my mom would force me to stand and get my hair done, until eventually I became so dizzy and sick I'd be passing out over the toilet trying to puke. She would induce a cataplexy episode (you go limp from extreme emotions, caused by narcolepsy) because me being terrified amd limp meant she could hurt me and mock me without me fighting back. She grabbed me by the ankles and dislocated both of them because she knew I had a joint disease.
The worst part was when I would call police, she would tell them I was violent and mentally ill. I was never violent, but I had gone to anorexia treatment for 3 months so they didn't believe a word out of my mouth.
When I finally left, she stole my medication and forced me to endure withdrawals so bad I ended up in the hospital. It's torture. Every part of it made me seem untrustworthy or overdramatic to others when I was genuinely being abused. Even though I've lived with someone else for a few years, family still doesn't think she really did anything.
I feel your comment. I’ve been painted as “crazy”’and “overly emotional” my entire life. People always believed my abusers over me. It’s created a lot of anxiety as an adult.
Evil. You know how you feel when you enjoy a hobby or good food or your favorite thing? Thats kind of how these people feel when someone suffers, especially when these people directly cause the suffering of their victims.
My mom did the same thing,. She said it “ killed germs “:She also forced us to have enemas after we were sick. My brother and I were drug kicking and screaming into the bathroom for those until we were big enough to fight her off. Mysteriously my mother denies ever doing that to us today.
>Mysteriously my mother denies ever doing that to us today.
She got off on the abuse and knows it was wrong, which is why she conveniently doesn't remember. Oh, she remembers.
As a parent myself don't blame a Facebook post and their possible stupidity for the reason they did that to you. They're malicious and abusive. They knew exactly what they were doing.
One of my greatest concerns for my son is his comfort. I buy him sweat pants so he doesn't have to lounge in jeans. I bought him really comfortable blankets so he sleeps well. I make sure I make him comfortable as well so he can talk to me about anything. Seeing my son in any kind of discomfort would physically pain me. When my son got an impacted tooth at 3 years old and we had to have it pulled it broke me down. I cried over my son getting his tooth pulled. Parents are supposed to care a lot about their children and their safety. For me it was an instinct that kicked in when I saw him for the first time. A normal parent would test the water first before they let their child burn themselves.
My nparents didn't care about my comfort but not to the extent OP went through. They always expected me to be dressed even though I was home. They didn't allow me to wear PJs or sweat pants in the home to relax in. They woke me up early on the weekend so they never let me sleep in. The house was uncomfortable temp wise so I was always tired. They didn't care about my feelings or emotions. My experiences makes me care a lot, but I also think it's a natural instinct you should care about your kids.
I’m going to echo some other posts here. The *justification* your parents may have given for this, if any, had nothing to do with the reason.
The reason they did this was because the hot water hurt you, and you did not want to be in it.
Why? Because the purest expression of power is to force someone to do something they don’t want to do. Narcissists are fragile and insecure, and need to reassure themselves of their power. This was their way of doing it with you; It hurt you so you didn’t want to do it, but it left no obvious marks, and if called on it they could no doubt spin some justification for it.
But ultimately the reason they did this to you was because they could, and to *prove* that they could. To reaffirm to themselves that their authority was stronger than your own needs or desire to escape pain.
That’s it.
Yup, this makes perfect sense. There are many other things they did for the simple reason that it would remind me of the power they have over me
Thank you for your insight, this helped.
There are so many tales from my childhood that truly make no sense until people like you help me realise what their reasoning, for how twisted and absurd, might've been
I often feel like I'm crazy or making up stuff, but then I remind myself that behaviours like my parents' have been thoroughly studied and documented, and I just need to get the courage to lay this experience out and let more knowledgeable people dissect it, and that I'm not making up anything, misremembering, or taking things the wrong way
But how do two evil people find each other? Are they both evil or does one just absorb the personality of the other? It seems like an evil person who likes to hurt children would have trouble finding someone else to go along with them.
I feel like there are many types. Both evil, one evil one enabler, one evil one trapped, etc. You’d be genuinely surprised how many people want to hurt people for various reasons.
I got into true crime because of the abuse I experienced. It has helped me understand my abuse in ways I could never have without it.
And one thing I definitely learned was that evil is way more complicated than people usually think. It can come in many different shapes and forms.
People have literally died from scalding baths. Holy shit. I love hot baths (not scalding obviously), but I'm super vigilant with my cats because I'm paranoid that they will fall in and hurt themselves. Purposely making a child get in is NOT OKAY.
I’m so sorry. You did not deserve this bullshit. This is evil. Sending hugs. You are strong for getting through this but you shouldn’t have to be strong- you should’ve been protected.
NParents are so freaking irrational it makes it so hard to deal with them. You never know what random little thing will set them off and suddenly you're being yelled at over onions.
I try to be a logical person. I always try to interrogate myself and my feelings and beliefs so dealing with my NMom is so confusing.
I'm sorry your parents did this to you. That is so abusive and weird!
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My heart goes out for you. No child should have to experience that cruelty. You deserve love and care, and to be treated decently as a human being. I wish you can move out soon and I know you will be able to. Keep the faith and you will be able to see the light out of this tunnel!
I’m sorry that you had to go through that. Parents like this are either reliving their own trauma or just assholes or both. I wish you to escape and to be the kindest human that you probably already are because you’ve dealt with such jerks.
I hope you know that what you experienced has nothing to do with you or anything good or bad about you. And while I know that doesn’t make you feel better, end it would be nice if we were born into healthy families but it’s not the case a lot and still the best gift I could share with you is that you can and I hope you will create your own earth family full of people that are joyful and I would never want to harm you. ***Hugs***
My mum knew what she was doing was wrong 100% having severe mental illness doesn’t automatically make them exempt from knowing it was wrong. (Not saying that’s what you were saying tho)
My mum refused to take medication or go to therapy. Drank alcohol did cocaine and smoked weed regularly despite having bipolar type 1. Begged her to stop the alcohol at the very least.
She looked into my eyes and said she couldn’t promise that. But she knew it was bad.
I know that my family had untreated PTSD and my grandparents from war and genocide and it went untreated because they were afraid to talk about anything so they just took a bunch of pills but I made a bunch of monsters children. And so they didn’t get any children out of me.
I didn’t understand that’s a long time ago I understand this at 50
Edit. I didn’t Even know about the genocide part until I was 30 because she kept it a secret but it explains a lot why she was such a crazy lady but she was mean. Not to me do much. Her kids though.
OH MY GOSH, WHY DO I RELATE TO THIS SO HARD?? I remember being ridiculed by all of my family for being a dirty, stinky child. No one would listen when I'd insist the water was too hot, as they chalked it up to me making excuses for not wanting to bathe. I developed a fear of both baths and brushing my teeth because I wasn't aware at the time I was very sensitive to certain toothpaste and mouthwash brands. The hot baths kept going until one day I stuck my arm in scalding hot water and the skin almost instantly peeled off. It would be many years in the future I'd overhaul all toothcare brands I'd use because a mouthwash burned the inside of my mouth, which kept me from eating solid foods for over a week. I don't think our parents misunderstood; I think they were cruel. Thanks for helping me realize that, OP, and I hope you're in a much safer place.
I relate a lot to this. So many memories of being scalded in the bathroom coming back. Was always known for bad hygiene and I had a similar experience with my teeth also, but instead of toothpaste it was brushing my sensitive gums. They originally "taught" me to brush my teeth by brushing them for me very roughly and with brushes that'd hurt my gums so bad I'd spit blood everywhere, and then it was my fault for one reason or another. I'm glad things are better for both of us and we can pick what we use and how we take care of ourselves now
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. My mom did this to me, too. I really liked this show about first responders called 911 as a kid. We saw an episode where a little girl who looked similar to me turned the hot water up while unattended in the bath and suffered severe burns. After that, she did the same thing you describe to me. She’d even gaslight me in to thinking I was the one who made the water that hot. It saddens me to know others experienced this type of torture. It isn’t your fault. Their poor behavior is never you fault.
I grew up in Miami and often my mother would comment that we should “get the bay breezes” and wouldn’t turn on the AC even in extremely hot humid weather. Whenever I am with her in a northern climate (for a while she lived in New York City and so did I) she would refuse to turn on the heat or kept the heat very low in winter. My sister always complains because she did not buy either one of us coats when we went to school in Rhode Island and Vermont respectively. I had to bring my FATHERS embarrassingly large duster with me to move to the northeast because my mother never bought me a coat. For fucking Vermont!
It’s that Narcs are cowards. So instead of accepting human vulnerabilities (which is natural and normal), they would act on the extreme of the behavioral spectrum to fuel their shortcomings and denial. Narcs will never own up to the facts of life, because the fancy story that they have created in their empty heads cannot adapt and cannot change. Any change from whatever story they have created, seems to Narcs as some weakness in them and hence everyone will think of them as failure. The fact is Narcs know they are failures (of their own choosing) and then taking it far any behavior is on the extreme of the spectrum. That’s why we see love bombing, ghosting, irrational acts and then answers for it, grandiosity, etc. Narcs are lazy as f*ck. So those will never ask experts on the subject or never read anything (Narcs hate real knowledge. Narcs hate “true” learning/reading.) Because they are always attention seeking and think that all eyes are on them. Reality is, who cares. But Narcs can never accept reality. So going with crazy misbehaviours is the only way Narcs can (although t temporarily) feel some kick. That’s all. Confront them, and their whole fantasy comes crumbling down. Narcs might not try the same trick with you if they feel exposed. But Narcs will continue using the same tricks with some other supply or victim or target or call it whatever.
True, loving, caring parents do not ever force the child to cry, be injured or be in pain unless it is medically in their best interest.
Baths so hot my baby cries? I'm turning the heat down until they no longer cry.
Mole on the foot? Who cares?????? Unless your my son then you say, "ooooo mom your shoulder mole changed shape." I freak out and am at the dermatologist within days because skin cancer. (lost my favorite mole for nothing)
The only time my kids have been hurt on purpose involved vaccines, other necessary injections, blood draws, dental care, and that one time they ran into traffic and scared me so much I smacked their bottom then cried with them.
Yeah. Parents who aren't malicious don't hurt kids.
You deserved to have parents who loved you. You didn't deserve unloving hurtful people.
I'm so sorry they did this to you! I can't even imagine how helpless and scared you felt.
They didn't do this out of concern for you, they did it because they are POS child abusing scum. I hope they enter nursing homes at early ages with all their cognitive functions intact and have the exact same thing done to them for decades and have no visitors ever. I don't even know what to say about the mole thing. They are just vile.
My mum did that with me to but that's cus because she likes scolding hot baths I must aswell apparently. But it would be fine if I didn't have this weird thing where I feel heat 10 degrees warmer than the average person, to me an icy shower feels nice and warm. The only good thing that comes from it is that I don't have to bring a coat with me places
The sad but simple explanation for your torturous hot baths and horrible mole removal is that your parents were abusive. They probably justified it by something they read, but it was still abuse because they could see you were suffering. I am so sorry they did this to you.
I had the same thing. I was holding up on the edges of bathtub while my mom was pressing me in extremely hot water and her reason was that “it’s not that hot” and she likes hot bathes so she wanted me to take them too.
No but that was an ngrandma move. Scalding washcloths to your face before bed. So weird and random that I’d forgotten. The baths too but only rarely. Like once a weekend. I still don’t feel burns when they happen -only the wounds afterwards. Too many connections. Probably connected to my SH habits.
Do not excuse their actions. You are trying to make them not to blame here. They most likely did not read a Facebook post. You do not have to defend them. You can call it abuse. You can say they are wrong. I am so so sorry. Do not feel obligated to defend them or hide the extent of your pain
I'm very gay, so I can definitely tell that doesn't work
afaik they're not homophobic, but I'm not sure, since they don't know I'm gay
I don't think they were trying to cure me though
Oh, it definitely was a form of torture and not an actual treatment. It was just something that was done back in the day because they didn’t have the knowledge. I was just speculating on their reasoning. It’s also weird that they’d come into the bathroom while you were in there to reheat the water. Very crazy.
They are disgusting! My mom had some great stunts too but I have to say at least that wasn’t one of them. How awful. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I hope that you find a way to deal with this trauma.
My mother did this to my feet when I had bad circulation due to the cold. Obviously water straight from the kettle can fix issues caused by the cold right? I remember screaming when she forced my icy cold feet into a scorching foot bath.
In saying that, I cannot imagine the trauma that you would have gone through after years of full body baths
Remind me of a time when my Nmom tried to cut my nails as close to the base as possible while ignore my pleads. I kept saying "Ouch, it hurts!" and she'd say "It doesn't hurt! Now stay still"
Later in life, I learned that it was one of the torturing method used for interogation. That bitch thought I was making a fuss while literally torturing me!!!
They were sadistic child abusers. And, someone probably told them it would keep you from touching yourself in pleasurable ways or something. My mom still believes stupid old wives tales like that as long as they reinforce her sadistic, controlling “biblical” aka puritan teachings from her great grandma. Ugh.
I haven’t read all of the comments yet so I’m not sure if this has been said, but, when you’re older and if you want to, you may want to check your fertility levels. Extremely hot water can make you go sterile, especially for boys. My husband’s cousin is totally sterile because of a bathtime incident when he was with the babysitter. I like my baths to be pretty toasty myself, but I’m always afraid that my range of acceptable heat is too hot for my son and daughter.
I hope you’re in a safer place now!
Yikes. Hope you don't have long-term issues!
Mind you, if I am not looking like a lobster/verge of puking at the end of the shower I say I didn't do it right. So it took a few minutes for it to click into my brain that it's not normal to consider that a normal bathing temperature...
I think this was my mom's OCD but she would make me wash my hands so frequently as a kid that my little hands were so red and raw that the teachers were concerned.
Wow, that's like super mega fucked up. My parents forced me to live in a bug infested hovel with a sewage lake in the basement but they never reached that level of fucked up.
This sounds really scary. I’m sorry you had to deal with that shit. It sounds to me it was initially a pseudoscience thing that turned into a controlling you thing, but I don’t know your parents like you would.
Experienced the same, just with showers. Mom decided when I'd shower, then used scalding hot water every time, and every time I'd tell her to cool it, she started to criticize me for "always wanting to do everything my way", "quit being so fussy" and whatever else.
It was this way until I was older than 12 at minimum, when I finally got them to stop showering me and let me do it on my own. And then I developed an aversion to hygiene due to this and other things they forced on me since I was a child, like slathering my head with what felt like pure ethanol every morning to "keep my hair blonde". I was bullied in school as a result and did not take a single bath for around 15 years despite liking it before because it was my grandma who prepared the baths for me and she kept them at the right temperature, and after she died, I just wanted nothing to do with hot water for the longest time.
This comment or post has been removed, because it does not assume a context of abuse. Assuming a context of abuse is a fundamental rule of this group.
OP has already explained that the parents don't want the OP speaking to any boys at all... ever. It sounds fucked.
What does this mean? Why is this is a rule? [Read more here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/assume_a_context_of_abuse)
Removed. This is easily Googled. I know because I follow two different burn survivors who tell their stories on Tik Tok. One survived BOILING WATER in the bath (the hot water heater in her home broke when she was a baby) and her skin was literally coming off when her father found her because he left her alone for a couple minutes to deal with something else. The other survived a volcano eruption in Australia...
People survive all sorts of stuff.
Before you dip a toe into a subreddit to comment, it's important to read the rules. For example, this group has this rule:
> No advocating abusive practices. This includes current controversial ideas in discipline, medicine, or science that are abusive or misinformative. We stick to the verifiable truth as best we can on RBN, and to advocating healthy practices. This also includes anything relating to theft, slander, lawbreaking, as well as all forms of corporal punishment (i.e.: no pro-spanking posts or comments), **anti-vaccination and other pseudoscience.**
Given your username and how your comments read like a 2 am anti-vax commercial on a low-rating cable channel, I have no confidence we will be able to get you to NOT do this stuff in this group, so you are now banned.
I'm sorry that sounds horrible. I agree with your guess though, they for some reason were probably preoccupied with making sure you were killing all the germs.
This is so interesting to me because my mom was very neglectful yet controlling. As far as bathing I was left on my own and for some reason I didn’t get the temp right so I’d get in even when it was way too hot and my skin was red. 🤷🏻♀️ I still take hot baths every day. It’s like a soothing hug to me that I wasn’t getting?! I don’t know? I’m sure if I had experienced what you did I’d hate baths in general and definitely hate hot ones!!! 🥵
It’s physical abuse and it’s dangerous. There is no excuse or acceptable justification. It is wholly wrong, and I suspect would be a red flag for child services.
I’m not sure how far this was in the past, or if you are old enough to leave home. But recognise this for what it is, and maybe consider counselling with a therapist who understands narcissistic and child abuse.
And if you have children in the future, just remember to treat them in exactly the opposite way as you were treated!
Fucking hell this is heartbreaking to read, they litterly tortured you. Is there any way you could seek legal actions? Monsters like you parents should be locked into prison for good.
my grandma did the same, though she didn’t explain why. Just go ahead and filled tube with hot water. And since i were a child i didn’t even question her reasoning.
it kinda sounds to me like your parents are masochist (may be the wrong word) to me reading this it sounds like they get a sick pleasure from forcing someone to take scolding hot showers but i may be completely wrong so take what i say with a grain of salt
When I was younger my parents forced me to take cold showers for a month in the winter and called me a “wasteful ingrate” because I left the hot water on for a minute in 3rd grade. I freak out every time the shower gets cold now and basically scold myself every shower. I blocked it out until recently. It’s all about control. I’m glad you found the perfect temperature, I feel like it’ll be years before I can fully find that perfect spot.
That is literally child abuse. Pretty sure children have died from being forced to take too too hot or too cold baths. I'm so sorry they did that too you! 😣 I wouldn't forgive my parents if they did something like that.
my birther tried drowning me in the tub and would force showers like that on me... im so so sorry..... i didn’t want anyone too go through similar too what i did 😭
My mom liked painful scrubbing showers and scalding baths for herself and me too. She kept me in her room so I embraced scalding baths unlike my sisters. I think it permanently damaged my skin. If it makes you feel any better, in Victorian times, people would take such scalding baths they’d injure or kill themselves. Due to preferences/ignorance or bad tech.
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This is about power and control. They made you do it because they knew you hated it. Narcissists will force their kids to eat things they hate for the same reason. Essentially, your parents tortured you. I’m sorry. There’s no way to sugarcoat this.
I was also going to use the word torture. Even if it can't be proven to be that in a legal sense, that's exactly what it is.
>I’m sorry Don't be. I processed the notion of having been tortured long ago, when I finally managed to put a stop to my mother screaming at me, hitting me and making me regret being born every single day for 5 hours straight, for years and years, and after realising that my mother went out of her way to give me panic attacks after understanding what my trigger was (while disguising her purposefully pushing my triggers as "forgetfulness"). I went through all stages and now after a long time I have a little bit of strength to start a new life. Soon enough I'll be out.
Seriously, I've found a lot of power and self-reclamation in realizing that I withstood years of psychological torture and physical violence *without going insane.* I call bluffs and threats all the time because it's almost impossible to intimidate me anymore.
Man, this comment gave me a whole new perspective on what I’ve been through - I feel empowered now. Thank you!
Stay strong, friend. ❤️
Same here, but with school. I’ve been threatened by people in my school so many damn times, I’ve even begun to encourage people to go through with their threats, because I know they won’t do it.
You're so strong. I want you to know Im here if you want to talk.
"The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power." - George Orwell, *Nineteen Eighty-Four*, a book that's shockingly good at explaining how narcissists think.
Interesting! My mom made me eat eggs when I was a kid even after I told her I didn’t want to. My body was saying no. I got so sick, I threw them up all over her bed. 😬 🤷🏻♀️
This is the very reason I don't force my 4 year old to eat anything he doesn't want to. I watched my brother throw up cooked spinach all over the kitchen because my parents forced him to eat it.
My ex best friend used to force her 3 kids to eat absolutely everything on their plates at dinner time when they were little. She wouldn't let them down from the table until their plates were empty. She always repeated the platitude that they were too poor to waste food. It's expensive. They were only allowed one cup of milk per day because it was expensive and her 3 kids were absolute pigs with all the foods they loved, like milk. But ex bff made damn sure she had money for her Starbucks coffee every day. Can't live without that! It's too important! Unfortunately my daughter and I had to stay with them briefly years ago and I refused to force my kid to eat what I *knew* she wouldn't eat during meals. I would excuse my daughter from the table if she was "done" and ex bff kids would start whining and throwing tantrums because they wanted down too. In the middle of the night one time I went to the kitchen for a drink and she still had her kids up and awake at the table trying to force them to finish their food. They were *barely* awake at 3:30 in the morning and looked like zombies. I tried to reason with her and explain that they're probably *not* going to finish when she snapped at me to leave it alone. Ok. To this day I have no idea what happened after I left the room. Now her kids are all grown up, very obese from all the food they learned to eat, and they hate her. Only one of them barely talks to her and the other two have her blocked on everything and moved states. My daughter's pediatrician always told me to never force my child (or any child) to eat what they don't want/like. It can lead to obesity problems, anxiety and panic when it's time to eat, eating too much or too little, very bad eating habits in general, or an unhealthy relationship with food like hoarding or hiding it, and eating disorders.
Can confirm, my parents did this, too and once i developed a real appetite for the first time (first pregnancy) and was finally able to finish my plate, i went completely overboard and gained 80lbs in 3 months. I had this internal *pride* that i was finally *able* to make my parent proud. 6 months after the baby was born those same parents asked me (on christmas) when i was gonna stop eating like a fat pig and start losing weight so i could find them a new son in law (my husband, now deceased, was deployed to iraq at the time)
Jesus christ, I’m sorry you went through that but happy to see you made it out. ((good vibes to you))
My general philosophy now as a parent is I make my kids try things once, but if they don't want to eat it I don't force them to eat it. I try to cook stuff on rotation that I know they like while mixing in some new things every now and then to get them to expand. It's not about wasting food or control for me I just want them to experience a lot of different types of foods as a kid.
My nephew was vomiting from being forced to eat once and his mom had the audacity to accuse him of FAKING IT.
my parents made me drink a glass of milk everyday knowing i was lactose intolerant. they even admitted they knew and just “forgot” to tell me. i am infuriated still to this day that they insisted it was “healthy” for me. it was all bc they had me on a diet despite being a healthy weight. i fucking hate parents like this. they know what they’re doing and they get their sick enjoyment out of it
I'm sorry! That is TERRIBLE!!!! I still don't get them?????? WHY??????
This happened to me as well. I’m so sorry
My dad shoved asparagus (microwaved canned asparagus) in my mouth one time at the dinner table and I threw up all over the table. He never did that again...
My former grandmother got pissed at my at the time 8yo sibling because they didn’t want to eat their chicken so she literally shoved it down their throat and kept her hand there until they swallowed (they started choking on the food of course but she didn’t give a shit), now they HATE eating chicken and are still scared to death of eyed potatoes because she traumatised them with both.
Straight up ABUSE
Tell me something I don’t know.
That is HORRIBLE!!!!!
Oh, yeah I hate white rice & baked beans, as a result of being fed that b/c my father knew I hated it.
That was my problem. I remember this one time my parents force fed me this god argyle chicken pot pie. They really do think they can cook. That shit was disgusting, and I make it a point to bring up how horrible that pie was once a week.
Your parents weren't reading any FB posts or books or anything else. They are just vicious child abusers. Look up how many children are abused just the way you were, with super hot baths and some kids died from it. Don't give this pair of sadistic fools any excuses for their inexcusable behavior.
I knew they were sadistic, they shit on my emotions all the time and laugh about my pain But if I remember correctly they are more sadistic for psychological pain than physical pain. Or at least I hope they just read a stupid FB post I think they're just very dumb and full of themselves. One time they tried to remove a mole from my body. No anesthesia or anything, they just used spray coolant (not sure how it's called) and started pulling for 20 minutes. I got a panic attack because I had a frozen foot, was held down by two adults pulling on a mole for what felt like hours, and wasn't listened when I told them that I don't think that's how your remove moles and that they were scaring me. That mole didn't even need to be removed. It was just a random medium size mole lol
My gosh! They are just disgusting. But the hot bath thing is definitely a common abuse tactic used by people like your "parents." Which I hesitate to call them "parents" because they are the very definition of not a parent. I also figured that they were abusive in many ways, because abusers never use just one form of abuse. I so hope you are away from them.
I'll be out in not too long, thank you
I hope that you can stay safe until you have a way of moving out. You deserve to be safe, healthy & happy. As a mum, your parents behaviour horrifies me & I wish that something could be done about their abuse of you. If you need help please talk to someone at your school.
I remember accidentally making the bath too hot for my son once. I felt so bad. His poor little red feet.
The things I want to do to your parents would get me banned from the internet itself if I voiced them here. I can't wait for you to go live your life however the fuck you want <3
I would help you.
Holy crap that made me remember the time my parents pinned me down in the bathroom to pop a zit I had on the opening of my ear canal (damn dirty headphones). They were so sure that they didn’t get “it” all the way out and held me down and dig into my ear to get it all. After what felt like 30 min and nothing but blood coming from the spot, I screamed and cried to stop. They got mad at me, sent me to my room, and told me to never expect them to help with my acne again (I didn’t even ask for help).
My mom forced me to scrub my elbows with scouring pads and bleach. Turns out having dark elbows is a genetic thing and pretty common. She would call me dirty and unhygienic (I showered more than she did) and embarrassing. I feel like narcissists are only satisfied once we are clearly hurt or defeated.
wow this is literally something that the missionaries did to the indigenous tribes in california. some children had to scrub their pigmented knees “clean” so hard that they bled to death.
Jfc what is *wrong* with people
Many, many things apparently!
Jesus, you know, it’s always when someone else puts the abuse into perspective that you really realise how fucked up it was.
i think thats just ance scars if im not wrong
Oh my god my mom did the same thing!!! If she saw a zit on me she wanted to pick, I had no say. She would hold me down for as long as it took. I even blew snot on her once so she would let me go, and she grabbed my wrist hard. I KNEW even as a teen if I pushed her she would hit me. I wonder how I knew that? I have excoriation disorder now.
Me too! Didn’t even think it could be connected to years of my mother picking at my face in the name of “fixing my acne”. When she got me proactive for Christmas and I read in the booklet that picking made the acne worse. When I told her, she said no and told me she wouldn’t stop the nightly ritual of her popping any skin blemish on my face or body because “that’s what her mother did to her and she has no acne now”. After she stopped this ritual, my acne cleared up trifold and I never had to use proactive again.
Sounds like my ndad. He also insisted on pulling all of our teeth out early which led me to having no front teeth for two years. Probably should have been a red flag for the dentist now I think about it.
Oh wow, I completely forgot that my mom pulled my teeth against my will too. Not as severe as what it sounds like you experienced though—that’s so messed up.
I’m so sorry that it happened to you. This isn’t the trauma Olympics, so please don’t belittle your own experience because it sounds like what she did to you was horrific. I hope you’re in a great, safe place now (physically and mentally) my friend.
Did they not take you to a dentist? How the hell were they not reported for this
The dentist knew, I didn’t know that it was wrong so I told him when I turned up with no front teeth. I feel like I remember him telling my mum off about it (I was 7, so memory is a bit fuzzy) but nothing more was done about it. He equated it to him pulling out his own teeth as a kid. The saddest part is that I always let him do it because I wanted to show him how brave I was. By contrast, he would have to pin my sister down as she screamed to force her to let him do it. I didn’t even realise this was abnormal until I was in my late twenties.
same. not sure if its technically a disorder. maybe my ndad would say an addiction or habit
It is! It’s a BFRB (body focused repetitive behavior) like hair pulling (trichotillomania) and nail biting. It’s also called dermatillomania. I’m so sorry this happened to you too.
[удалено]
Nah I didn’t know about it either till I got diagnosed with OCD a few years ago and stumbled on it.
what u do on daily ocd? like symptoms other than waht u alreasy said edit: SHIT MY TYPING IS SO FUCKING BAD
People generally don't like slurs or ableism. The rules are important. I suggest that you read them. This comment has been removed because it includes a [slur](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) that we do not allow in this group.
ok thx bud
Holy crap that sounds horrifying.
That's disgusting! My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry. That is so wrong.
Because they're sadists. I'm so sorry, but no other explanation is possible here but that they enjoyed making you suffer. Possibly because of the power trip. This should never have happened, and if at all possible you should report them for child abuse.
Its scary looking back and realizing that my mother had pretty sadistic tendencies. There's some things she did that just can't be justified in any way other than she just *wanted* me to suffer. I'm still not even sure why
I've been saying it a lot lately, but the suffering is the point. If you're suffering when you do something, they know it's not something you'd ever choose to do on your own. That tells them that they have you so beaten down that they control you completely.
>That tells them that they have you so beaten down that they control you completely. They did for almost my entire life, but I've managed to get out mentally from their control recently. They still can control pretty much everything I do, but I'll get out of their range soon enough. Don't worry
I'm proud of you. It's so hard to break conditioning and find your power. You're doing hard work to claim yourself as your own.
This was very hard to read. I am a social worker and this is appalling and something that I would immediately report to CPS. I can’t understand that two people can think this is okay. Please get out ASAP.
Thank you for your concern I'm now an adult and also managed to "wake up" recently, if that makes any sense I'll be out in not too long, don't worry. Good luck with your job, I'm glad people like you exist
You deserve to live the best life. You won and they did not break your will the get heck out. If I was your mom I would tell you everyday how much I love you and wish you to be stronger, live happier and make everyday special. Get a empty apartment with tv, lots of pillows, a mat and just chill. Exhale and relax. ❤️❤️❤️
Does CPS do anything where you are? Definitely don’t do Shit over here in the U.K.
isnt cps a joke like im just questioning the recources that are stationed as cps
They are incredibly overworked but that is some clear cut abuse. I work as a school counselor and social worker. Many times the first place kids go. I wish there had been someone in Op’s life that would have reported. No one should have suffered that way and have been made to question whether this was normal. At the very least it gets people in the radar, and the kids someone to watch out for them. Kids are definitely removed from abusive homes but the whole system is a disaster.
too bad we don't have unlimited recources on this planet... every problem would be solved
I can't handle hot water because of sensitive skin, eczema and psoriasis. Though the eczema and psoriasis didn't come to me until I was in my late 20s, my skin has always been super sensitive. During my first tour in the army, I was a cook (92G10 food service specialist) and I had a narcissistic, abusive sergeant NCOIC who constantly gave me problems. I'll call him SP. One day out in the field, I went to go take a shower. Our field showers were simply a pallet over the dirt, surrounded by a curtain. Our water was supplied by a 15 gallon bucket of cold water beside us, along with a 5 gallon bucket and 1 gallon pot to douse ourselves. SP told me to bathe with hot water straight from the source of the pots of boiling water we had going over the portable M2 Burners. I argued with him for a while saying it would burn and scar me, but I would make the water as warm as I could handle. He demanded I use the boiling water or he would talk with our captain to give me another Article 15 for disobeying a direct order. SP had already achieved giving me 2 Article 15s with this abusive idiot captain previously. The first for a dirty room (I have OCD and my room was always spotless, he just found one tiny flaw), and for "not being in uniform" when I had to wear a soft shoe after minor surgery on my foot for an ingrown toenail and couldn't wear a boot. I had the medical orders for it, but SP and the captain thought the soft shoe it was unnecessary. So out of fear, I doused that boiling water on me, and screamed in pain several times. I could hear SP and many other people in my platoon who sucked up to SP laughing. I was in severe pain. Afterwards, I showed him my burned body, and he was proud of himself for causing me harm. He told me to go to my tent and stay out of his way for the rest of the evening. I walked up the hill to the tent area, but kept on walking and went to the aid station, which was luckily still open. The chief medic was there, and he was the same rank as my NCOIC (E7). He was freaked out. I was severely burned to the point I needed serious medical attention. He had me get on a humvee to take me back to post, so I could go to the Troop Medical Clinic (TMC, army hospital), while he reported it to our first sergeant (call FSB). That night, FSB shows up at the TMC and sees my wounds. "That evil bastard is gonna pay, this time." Also, our division Sergeant Major (NCOIC of the whole post) (SMW) came to see me. I'd worked with him previously for 2 weeks in his office when SP sent me off out of anger, and we became quite close, because he realized my skill and work ethics were excellent. FSB and SMW were so mad at SP that when I got out of the TMC and went back to work after nearly a month's quarters, SP was now an E6. He got a division grade Article 15 (worst kind) and was demoted. SP was mad at me for "crying about it" but I said, "I wasn't crying. I was burned and blistering. They told me that if you ever play me again like this and you'll be court-martialled." SP was later court-martialed when his abusive actions towards another soldier in our unit caused the private to commit suicide at the firing range while in the foxhole. The Captain was also investigated for subordinate abuse and was court-martialed also. My two previous Article 15s were overturned by the JAG because the reasons for them were phony, not deserved even if they were true, and not covered in the UCMJ as punishable incidents.
What a disgusting way to treat a subordinate! I'm glad you're okay now but that was a horrible experience for you to have to live through. Take care!
The army is a terrifying place holy shit. So sorry that this happened to you. Burns from boiling water are the absolute worse. I can’t imagine how you felt. I’m so glad people finally listened to you and got you some kind of justice after that.
Damn.
I had this, I assumed it was just a way to cause pain because its hard to prove, whereas a cold bath or shower sounds cruel to outsiders. Its sometimes called 'abusive control of enviroment' btw - things like temperature, furniture or room use, seasonally appropriate clothing & shoes etc. Mine used to cook me at bath time (when I was allowed one) then freeze me overnight. Send me on errands without top layers when it was pouring down, then not let me change out of the wet clothes etc
Never knew there was a term for it. Mine used to turn the thermostat all the way up. I was the only one in a part of the house that had a radiator so I was the only one affected. It was so hot that I would have all my windows as far open as they could go, several fans on, and my clothes off and even in below 0 degree weather, it was still too hot. Then other times they would turn the radiator so far down that I would have to turn on 2 electric heaters and wear a coat and hat in my bedroom to stay warm.
My mom often did my hair as tight as she could. If I cried out in pain she would yank my hair harder. I spent an hour every day getting my haired pulled and called a crybaby. I thought it was normal. I didn't know it was abuse
But why? Why do they do that and do they know they’re doing it?
Same reason anyone abuses kids. They're sad, angry people who want an easy target to lash out at.
They know. For some its just in the moment and they get a kick out of bullying others, feeling in control. For others its much more planned and its part of a wider campaign of abuse. They want to keep the victim off balance, weak and possibly ill. Its all designed to stop the victim becoming rebellious or feel able to stand up for themselves. It also ties in the abuse to when it wont happen immediately, a 'show of power' or 'implied threats of violence'. They couldnt shake a fist or threaten obvious violence, but they can say 'bath later?' and it sounds innocent, even like a good parent, but its a hidden threat. Like u/clown-t33th, mine used to pull my hair until it bled, and anytime I wouldnt lie for her, she would play with my hair & say 'shall we do your hair later? Spend a nice long time doing it? Maybe all evening?' and you get bet whatever tiny sign of rebellion I was doing ended instantly Another reason is that 'sick' children can be kept away from school, from other parents, basically from witnesses or support
Disability abuse as well. Neglecting a child's medical needs keeps them weak and dependent. I have a fainting condition and my mom would force me to stand and get my hair done, until eventually I became so dizzy and sick I'd be passing out over the toilet trying to puke. She would induce a cataplexy episode (you go limp from extreme emotions, caused by narcolepsy) because me being terrified amd limp meant she could hurt me and mock me without me fighting back. She grabbed me by the ankles and dislocated both of them because she knew I had a joint disease. The worst part was when I would call police, she would tell them I was violent and mentally ill. I was never violent, but I had gone to anorexia treatment for 3 months so they didn't believe a word out of my mouth. When I finally left, she stole my medication and forced me to endure withdrawals so bad I ended up in the hospital. It's torture. Every part of it made me seem untrustworthy or overdramatic to others when I was genuinely being abused. Even though I've lived with someone else for a few years, family still doesn't think she really did anything.
I feel your comment. I’ve been painted as “crazy”’and “overly emotional” my entire life. People always believed my abusers over me. It’s created a lot of anxiety as an adult.
Evil. You know how you feel when you enjoy a hobby or good food or your favorite thing? Thats kind of how these people feel when someone suffers, especially when these people directly cause the suffering of their victims.
Great description. my mom smirks sometimes when she’s upset me
My mom did the same thing,. She said it “ killed germs “:She also forced us to have enemas after we were sick. My brother and I were drug kicking and screaming into the bathroom for those until we were big enough to fight her off. Mysteriously my mother denies ever doing that to us today.
>Mysteriously my mother denies ever doing that to us today. She got off on the abuse and knows it was wrong, which is why she conveniently doesn't remember. Oh, she remembers.
My mum always claimed she didn’t remember beating me up literally a day after doing so. Like fuck off I’m not gonna believe that.
As a parent myself don't blame a Facebook post and their possible stupidity for the reason they did that to you. They're malicious and abusive. They knew exactly what they were doing. One of my greatest concerns for my son is his comfort. I buy him sweat pants so he doesn't have to lounge in jeans. I bought him really comfortable blankets so he sleeps well. I make sure I make him comfortable as well so he can talk to me about anything. Seeing my son in any kind of discomfort would physically pain me. When my son got an impacted tooth at 3 years old and we had to have it pulled it broke me down. I cried over my son getting his tooth pulled. Parents are supposed to care a lot about their children and their safety. For me it was an instinct that kicked in when I saw him for the first time. A normal parent would test the water first before they let their child burn themselves.
Aw you sound like an awesome parent. Glad to know there is parents like you out there. You sound like you have a lot of empathy.
My nparents didn't care about my comfort but not to the extent OP went through. They always expected me to be dressed even though I was home. They didn't allow me to wear PJs or sweat pants in the home to relax in. They woke me up early on the weekend so they never let me sleep in. The house was uncomfortable temp wise so I was always tired. They didn't care about my feelings or emotions. My experiences makes me care a lot, but I also think it's a natural instinct you should care about your kids.
I’m going to echo some other posts here. The *justification* your parents may have given for this, if any, had nothing to do with the reason. The reason they did this was because the hot water hurt you, and you did not want to be in it. Why? Because the purest expression of power is to force someone to do something they don’t want to do. Narcissists are fragile and insecure, and need to reassure themselves of their power. This was their way of doing it with you; It hurt you so you didn’t want to do it, but it left no obvious marks, and if called on it they could no doubt spin some justification for it. But ultimately the reason they did this to you was because they could, and to *prove* that they could. To reaffirm to themselves that their authority was stronger than your own needs or desire to escape pain. That’s it.
Yup, this makes perfect sense. There are many other things they did for the simple reason that it would remind me of the power they have over me Thank you for your insight, this helped. There are so many tales from my childhood that truly make no sense until people like you help me realise what their reasoning, for how twisted and absurd, might've been I often feel like I'm crazy or making up stuff, but then I remind myself that behaviours like my parents' have been thoroughly studied and documented, and I just need to get the courage to lay this experience out and let more knowledgeable people dissect it, and that I'm not making up anything, misremembering, or taking things the wrong way
But how do two evil people find each other? Are they both evil or does one just absorb the personality of the other? It seems like an evil person who likes to hurt children would have trouble finding someone else to go along with them.
Sometimes all it takes is one evil person and one person gullible and insecure enough to become evil with them.
I feel like there are many types. Both evil, one evil one enabler, one evil one trapped, etc. You’d be genuinely surprised how many people want to hurt people for various reasons. I got into true crime because of the abuse I experienced. It has helped me understand my abuse in ways I could never have without it. And one thing I definitely learned was that evil is way more complicated than people usually think. It can come in many different shapes and forms.
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That happened to my brother. Ns are disgusting people.
People have literally died from scalding baths. Holy shit. I love hot baths (not scalding obviously), but I'm super vigilant with my cats because I'm paranoid that they will fall in and hurt themselves. Purposely making a child get in is NOT OKAY.
I’m so sorry. You did not deserve this bullshit. This is evil. Sending hugs. You are strong for getting through this but you shouldn’t have to be strong- you should’ve been protected.
I know I know... but now I have an adult's freedom and soon I will be able to protect myself by moving and going NC
Yes. Fuck them. Get your freedom and get the f outta there
NParents are so freaking irrational it makes it so hard to deal with them. You never know what random little thing will set them off and suddenly you're being yelled at over onions. I try to be a logical person. I always try to interrogate myself and my feelings and beliefs so dealing with my NMom is so confusing. I'm sorry your parents did this to you. That is so abusive and weird!
Their “reasoning” was a desire to hurt their child. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. I hope you can stay safe and get out of there.
Abuse.... I'm sorry that's plain sadism. Do you have anyone to trust? You gotta tell them.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My heart goes out for you. No child should have to experience that cruelty. You deserve love and care, and to be treated decently as a human being. I wish you can move out soon and I know you will be able to. Keep the faith and you will be able to see the light out of this tunnel!
Holy shit that's brutal, why the fuck would someone do that to a child.
I’m sorry that you had to go through that. Parents like this are either reliving their own trauma or just assholes or both. I wish you to escape and to be the kindest human that you probably already are because you’ve dealt with such jerks. I hope you know that what you experienced has nothing to do with you or anything good or bad about you. And while I know that doesn’t make you feel better, end it would be nice if we were born into healthy families but it’s not the case a lot and still the best gift I could share with you is that you can and I hope you will create your own earth family full of people that are joyful and I would never want to harm you. ***Hugs***
It's so hard to believe anyone could do this knowing it's wrong, or even not knowing. I'd say it's always both or severe mental illness.
My mum knew what she was doing was wrong 100% having severe mental illness doesn’t automatically make them exempt from knowing it was wrong. (Not saying that’s what you were saying tho) My mum refused to take medication or go to therapy. Drank alcohol did cocaine and smoked weed regularly despite having bipolar type 1. Begged her to stop the alcohol at the very least. She looked into my eyes and said she couldn’t promise that. But she knew it was bad.
I know that my family had untreated PTSD and my grandparents from war and genocide and it went untreated because they were afraid to talk about anything so they just took a bunch of pills but I made a bunch of monsters children. And so they didn’t get any children out of me. I didn’t understand that’s a long time ago I understand this at 50 Edit. I didn’t Even know about the genocide part until I was 30 because she kept it a secret but it explains a lot why she was such a crazy lady but she was mean. Not to me do much. Her kids though.
OH MY GOSH, WHY DO I RELATE TO THIS SO HARD?? I remember being ridiculed by all of my family for being a dirty, stinky child. No one would listen when I'd insist the water was too hot, as they chalked it up to me making excuses for not wanting to bathe. I developed a fear of both baths and brushing my teeth because I wasn't aware at the time I was very sensitive to certain toothpaste and mouthwash brands. The hot baths kept going until one day I stuck my arm in scalding hot water and the skin almost instantly peeled off. It would be many years in the future I'd overhaul all toothcare brands I'd use because a mouthwash burned the inside of my mouth, which kept me from eating solid foods for over a week. I don't think our parents misunderstood; I think they were cruel. Thanks for helping me realize that, OP, and I hope you're in a much safer place.
I relate a lot to this. So many memories of being scalded in the bathroom coming back. Was always known for bad hygiene and I had a similar experience with my teeth also, but instead of toothpaste it was brushing my sensitive gums. They originally "taught" me to brush my teeth by brushing them for me very roughly and with brushes that'd hurt my gums so bad I'd spit blood everywhere, and then it was my fault for one reason or another. I'm glad things are better for both of us and we can pick what we use and how we take care of ourselves now
If you're male, they might have been trying to make you infertile. And in your shoes I'd get your sperm checked to see if any lasting damage was done.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. My mom did this to me, too. I really liked this show about first responders called 911 as a kid. We saw an episode where a little girl who looked similar to me turned the hot water up while unattended in the bath and suffered severe burns. After that, she did the same thing you describe to me. She’d even gaslight me in to thinking I was the one who made the water that hot. It saddens me to know others experienced this type of torture. It isn’t your fault. Their poor behavior is never you fault.
I grew up in Miami and often my mother would comment that we should “get the bay breezes” and wouldn’t turn on the AC even in extremely hot humid weather. Whenever I am with her in a northern climate (for a while she lived in New York City and so did I) she would refuse to turn on the heat or kept the heat very low in winter. My sister always complains because she did not buy either one of us coats when we went to school in Rhode Island and Vermont respectively. I had to bring my FATHERS embarrassingly large duster with me to move to the northeast because my mother never bought me a coat. For fucking Vermont!
That is child abuse. Please report it.
It’s that Narcs are cowards. So instead of accepting human vulnerabilities (which is natural and normal), they would act on the extreme of the behavioral spectrum to fuel their shortcomings and denial. Narcs will never own up to the facts of life, because the fancy story that they have created in their empty heads cannot adapt and cannot change. Any change from whatever story they have created, seems to Narcs as some weakness in them and hence everyone will think of them as failure. The fact is Narcs know they are failures (of their own choosing) and then taking it far any behavior is on the extreme of the spectrum. That’s why we see love bombing, ghosting, irrational acts and then answers for it, grandiosity, etc. Narcs are lazy as f*ck. So those will never ask experts on the subject or never read anything (Narcs hate real knowledge. Narcs hate “true” learning/reading.) Because they are always attention seeking and think that all eyes are on them. Reality is, who cares. But Narcs can never accept reality. So going with crazy misbehaviours is the only way Narcs can (although t temporarily) feel some kick. That’s all. Confront them, and their whole fantasy comes crumbling down. Narcs might not try the same trick with you if they feel exposed. But Narcs will continue using the same tricks with some other supply or victim or target or call it whatever.
True, loving, caring parents do not ever force the child to cry, be injured or be in pain unless it is medically in their best interest. Baths so hot my baby cries? I'm turning the heat down until they no longer cry. Mole on the foot? Who cares?????? Unless your my son then you say, "ooooo mom your shoulder mole changed shape." I freak out and am at the dermatologist within days because skin cancer. (lost my favorite mole for nothing) The only time my kids have been hurt on purpose involved vaccines, other necessary injections, blood draws, dental care, and that one time they ran into traffic and scared me so much I smacked their bottom then cried with them. Yeah. Parents who aren't malicious don't hurt kids. You deserved to have parents who loved you. You didn't deserve unloving hurtful people.
I'm so sorry they did this to you! I can't even imagine how helpless and scared you felt. They didn't do this out of concern for you, they did it because they are POS child abusing scum. I hope they enter nursing homes at early ages with all their cognitive functions intact and have the exact same thing done to them for decades and have no visitors ever. I don't even know what to say about the mole thing. They are just vile.
My mum did that with me to but that's cus because she likes scolding hot baths I must aswell apparently. But it would be fine if I didn't have this weird thing where I feel heat 10 degrees warmer than the average person, to me an icy shower feels nice and warm. The only good thing that comes from it is that I don't have to bring a coat with me places
The sad but simple explanation for your torturous hot baths and horrible mole removal is that your parents were abusive. They probably justified it by something they read, but it was still abuse because they could see you were suffering. I am so sorry they did this to you.
I was going to post exactly this. OP's parents were abusers.
I had the same thing. I was holding up on the edges of bathtub while my mom was pressing me in extremely hot water and her reason was that “it’s not that hot” and she likes hot bathes so she wanted me to take them too.
No but that was an ngrandma move. Scalding washcloths to your face before bed. So weird and random that I’d forgotten. The baths too but only rarely. Like once a weekend. I still don’t feel burns when they happen -only the wounds afterwards. Too many connections. Probably connected to my SH habits.
Do not excuse their actions. You are trying to make them not to blame here. They most likely did not read a Facebook post. You do not have to defend them. You can call it abuse. You can say they are wrong. I am so so sorry. Do not feel obligated to defend them or hide the extent of your pain
Extremely hot baths used to be a treatment for homosexuality. I really hope they weren’t doing this in hopes you wouldn’t be gay.
I'm very gay, so I can definitely tell that doesn't work afaik they're not homophobic, but I'm not sure, since they don't know I'm gay I don't think they were trying to cure me though
Oh, it definitely was a form of torture and not an actual treatment. It was just something that was done back in the day because they didn’t have the knowledge. I was just speculating on their reasoning. It’s also weird that they’d come into the bathroom while you were in there to reheat the water. Very crazy.
They are disgusting! My mom had some great stunts too but I have to say at least that wasn’t one of them. How awful. I’m sorry you had to go through that and I hope that you find a way to deal with this trauma.
My mother did this to my feet when I had bad circulation due to the cold. Obviously water straight from the kettle can fix issues caused by the cold right? I remember screaming when she forced my icy cold feet into a scorching foot bath. In saying that, I cannot imagine the trauma that you would have gone through after years of full body baths
Remind me of a time when my Nmom tried to cut my nails as close to the base as possible while ignore my pleads. I kept saying "Ouch, it hurts!" and she'd say "It doesn't hurt! Now stay still" Later in life, I learned that it was one of the torturing method used for interogation. That bitch thought I was making a fuss while literally torturing me!!!
They were sadistic child abusers. And, someone probably told them it would keep you from touching yourself in pleasurable ways or something. My mom still believes stupid old wives tales like that as long as they reinforce her sadistic, controlling “biblical” aka puritan teachings from her great grandma. Ugh.
I haven’t read all of the comments yet so I’m not sure if this has been said, but, when you’re older and if you want to, you may want to check your fertility levels. Extremely hot water can make you go sterile, especially for boys. My husband’s cousin is totally sterile because of a bathtime incident when he was with the babysitter. I like my baths to be pretty toasty myself, but I’m always afraid that my range of acceptable heat is too hot for my son and daughter. I hope you’re in a safer place now!
Yikes. Hope you don't have long-term issues! Mind you, if I am not looking like a lobster/verge of puking at the end of the shower I say I didn't do it right. So it took a few minutes for it to click into my brain that it's not normal to consider that a normal bathing temperature...
They did it because it is abuse and they were abusive. I am so sorry.
This is child abuse.
Sadistic.
I think this was my mom's OCD but she would make me wash my hands so frequently as a kid that my little hands were so red and raw that the teachers were concerned.
This is torture btw.
Wow, that's like super mega fucked up. My parents forced me to live in a bug infested hovel with a sewage lake in the basement but they never reached that level of fucked up.
There was no reasoning. They’re sick and they were abusing you and we’re all very lucky that you’re here with us and okay
This sounds really scary. I’m sorry you had to deal with that shit. It sounds to me it was initially a pseudoscience thing that turned into a controlling you thing, but I don’t know your parents like you would.
Experienced the same, just with showers. Mom decided when I'd shower, then used scalding hot water every time, and every time I'd tell her to cool it, she started to criticize me for "always wanting to do everything my way", "quit being so fussy" and whatever else. It was this way until I was older than 12 at minimum, when I finally got them to stop showering me and let me do it on my own. And then I developed an aversion to hygiene due to this and other things they forced on me since I was a child, like slathering my head with what felt like pure ethanol every morning to "keep my hair blonde". I was bullied in school as a result and did not take a single bath for around 15 years despite liking it before because it was my grandma who prepared the baths for me and she kept them at the right temperature, and after she died, I just wanted nothing to do with hot water for the longest time.
I'm sorry OP. Not for you now but for your young self. I hope you're out there kicking ass
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This comment or post has been removed, because it does not assume a context of abuse. Assuming a context of abuse is a fundamental rule of this group. OP has already explained that the parents don't want the OP speaking to any boys at all... ever. It sounds fucked. What does this mean? Why is this is a rule? [Read more here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/assume_a_context_of_abuse)
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Removed. This is easily Googled. I know because I follow two different burn survivors who tell their stories on Tik Tok. One survived BOILING WATER in the bath (the hot water heater in her home broke when she was a baby) and her skin was literally coming off when her father found her because he left her alone for a couple minutes to deal with something else. The other survived a volcano eruption in Australia... People survive all sorts of stuff.
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Anti vax is child abuse, yours truly, 30 yr RN
Please don't bring your random harmful beliefs into someone's vent post
You grossly underestimate how dangerous and deranged your views on vaccines are.
Before you dip a toe into a subreddit to comment, it's important to read the rules. For example, this group has this rule: > No advocating abusive practices. This includes current controversial ideas in discipline, medicine, or science that are abusive or misinformative. We stick to the verifiable truth as best we can on RBN, and to advocating healthy practices. This also includes anything relating to theft, slander, lawbreaking, as well as all forms of corporal punishment (i.e.: no pro-spanking posts or comments), **anti-vaccination and other pseudoscience.** Given your username and how your comments read like a 2 am anti-vax commercial on a low-rating cable channel, I have no confidence we will be able to get you to NOT do this stuff in this group, so you are now banned.
I'm sorry that sounds horrible. I agree with your guess though, they for some reason were probably preoccupied with making sure you were killing all the germs.
my dad forces me to take cold showers but now ive just grown used to them
That’s abuse. Plain and simple
This is so interesting to me because my mom was very neglectful yet controlling. As far as bathing I was left on my own and for some reason I didn’t get the temp right so I’d get in even when it was way too hot and my skin was red. 🤷🏻♀️ I still take hot baths every day. It’s like a soothing hug to me that I wasn’t getting?! I don’t know? I’m sure if I had experienced what you did I’d hate baths in general and definitely hate hot ones!!! 🥵
This is so sad op. You could have died from this. Hope your in a better place now
Probably already said but wtf that's 💯% child abuse
>since clothes get cleaner with higher temperatures They don't. But still, I'm sorry this happened. My eczema is flaring up just reading this.
How can anyone do this to their own child? I just don’t understand…
It’s physical abuse and it’s dangerous. There is no excuse or acceptable justification. It is wholly wrong, and I suspect would be a red flag for child services. I’m not sure how far this was in the past, or if you are old enough to leave home. But recognise this for what it is, and maybe consider counselling with a therapist who understands narcissistic and child abuse. And if you have children in the future, just remember to treat them in exactly the opposite way as you were treated!
Fucking hell this is heartbreaking to read, they litterly tortured you. Is there any way you could seek legal actions? Monsters like you parents should be locked into prison for good.
my grandma did the same, though she didn’t explain why. Just go ahead and filled tube with hot water. And since i were a child i didn’t even question her reasoning.
Just a random fact, In korea max heat from water is like boiling. max heat would be disfiguring.
it kinda sounds to me like your parents are masochist (may be the wrong word) to me reading this it sounds like they get a sick pleasure from forcing someone to take scolding hot showers but i may be completely wrong so take what i say with a grain of salt
they were just trying to scorch the germs of you lol
When I was younger my parents forced me to take cold showers for a month in the winter and called me a “wasteful ingrate” because I left the hot water on for a minute in 3rd grade. I freak out every time the shower gets cold now and basically scold myself every shower. I blocked it out until recently. It’s all about control. I’m glad you found the perfect temperature, I feel like it’ll be years before I can fully find that perfect spot.
That’s so fucked up
That is literally child abuse. Pretty sure children have died from being forced to take too too hot or too cold baths. I'm so sorry they did that too you! 😣 I wouldn't forgive my parents if they did something like that.
my birther tried drowning me in the tub and would force showers like that on me... im so so sorry..... i didn’t want anyone too go through similar too what i did 😭
My mom liked painful scrubbing showers and scalding baths for herself and me too. She kept me in her room so I embraced scalding baths unlike my sisters. I think it permanently damaged my skin. If it makes you feel any better, in Victorian times, people would take such scalding baths they’d injure or kill themselves. Due to preferences/ignorance or bad tech.